Chapter 28: Pockets

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Previously on Midnight Burger, Clementine goes clemin' nuts.

If I hear your voice come out of a box one more time,

I will come near and and drag you all kicking and screaming into the life I have designed for you, or I will drag you kicking and screaming into your grave.

Okay, well, that sounds very dangerous, and we should definitely stay away from her and not try and goad her in any way, shape, or form.

God damn it!

God damn it.

Okay, well, here she is on the warpath.

What What stands between Clementine and the diner?

She shows up?

I'll handle it.

Seriously, this fucking guy?

Alright, buckle up, everybody.

Let's start the shift.

Cathode RayTube televisions, or CRT televisions, or as my grandma called them, bunny ear televisions, were all but extinct a year ago.

But these days, they may be the most prized possession in the world.

When the first solar storm hit hit eight months ago, everyone's big, beautiful, flat-screen televisions went dark when the complicated technology inside them was scrambled by the sun's magnetic bombardment.

The world suddenly went silent, and television, in an instant, became a thing of the past.

But in the past few months, things began to change.

Breaking News America, a formerly fourth-rate cable news station, announced that they would begin broadcasting their usual nightly news show, Pass Prologue.

Using broadcasting methods from the early days of live television, BNA said that it would be able to provide a nightly live news update to anyone who could get their hands on a cathode RayTube television.

Within days, thrift stores and vintage shops were completely cleared out of any CRT televisions.

People seem to be dying for at least something that reminded them of the world they lost eight months ago.

Now, as the world anxiously awaits the results of the Hong Kong experiment, watch parties have sprung up all over the city with large groups of people gathered around whatever bunny ear TV they can find.

Come in.

Hey.

Hey.

Vinyl still works?

I know.

I always warned you about all your stuff being digital.

And look at me now.

Turns out all the things that made me intolerable, like collecting huge amounts of vinyl, are now paying off.

Maybe not all the things.

Any word on Hong Kong?

I imagine I would say if I knew anything.

It is the most important news in the world right now.

Right.

Are Jeff and the kids still upstate?

Yeah.

The kids are still pretty freaked out.

They started volunteering at a shelter up there.

That's giving them some structure, but he has a hard time getting them to go to sleep at night.

Have you tried bourbon?

They're seven and nine years old.

I don't see how that's relevant.

Anyway, they'll be fine.

Better up there than in the city.

In any city these days.

How are things on Park Avenue?

Turns out I was the only one living on Park Avenue who didn't buy a place upstate.

It's a ghost town over there.

Everyone's gone.

I walk the streets like Omega Man.

It's a little disturbing to me how well you've fared in this particular apocalypse we find ourselves in.

Well, I think we've both fared pretty well.

I think you've liked it.

Just a little bit.

Siobant, planes were falling from the sky.

Not that part.

The other parts.

The vinyl still works parts.

Well, we were about to go extinct, you and I.

We were talking heads on television.

Nobody cared about talking heads on television anymore.

But then this new dark age hit, and

we're suddenly useful.

That's a strange feeling.

Never thought I'd be useful again.

Have you heard about these watch parties?

People gathered around antique televisions every night?

I heard.

People went all in on the internet, and then the internet disappeared.

Who do they turn to?

A couple of dinosaurs like us.

Don't call me a dinosaur.

We're dinosaurs, Javon.

But it is very suddenly the time of the dinosaurs.

Hey, Tanya, what's the word?

Hong Kong failed.

We're on in two minutes.

Shit.

Fuck.

Yes, agreed.

Let's go.

We still don't have the prompter up and running, so you're going to have to wing it.

That's fine.

Getting used to it at this point.

There's bullet points on the desk.

You go through the bullet points, and then you're going to go live to the Capitol.

Apparently, the Senate is going to vote on another aid package.

Who's at the Capitol?

Amanda Marie and Daniel.

We've got the earpieces up and running again, so both of you be prepared to have me in your ear for the rest of the night.

How long are we going to go with this?

Giving them the bad news will take about two minutes.

We're going to broadcast until I feel like people have calmed down a little bit.

It'll take as long as it takes.

Got it.

Get to places.

I'm getting the control room set up.

They're called Image Orthicon tubes.

If I can get enough of those, I don't need the physical camera.

I can make the camera myself.

Okay, call me back.

I'm in the control room.

What's that about?

Spare parts.

These cameras are going to fold on us anytime.

I'm trying to get backups.

Did we try the film and television museum?

Where do you think I got our current ones from?

I'm talking to guys at junkyards now.

Is Amanda Marie in my headset yet?

It's not the greatest signal, but it'll work.

Okay.

Amanda Marie, are you there?

I'm here.

We're going to have to broadcast from the Capitol steps.

These old cameras don't travel well.

That's fine.

On the plus side, we're the only TV news team in existence now, so we don't have to fight for a good shot.

Okay, hang tight.

We're going to throw things to you in a few minutes.

Tanya, Ryan's on the phone for you.

What's up, Ryan?

Uh-huh.

Seriously?

You're kidding me.

Shit.

That is hilarious.

Okay, be ready when I throw to you.

Everyone, listen up for a second.

We are about to once again go on the air and report some bad news.

I know we all wanted good news today, but there's nothing we can do about that.

Focus on the job right in front of you, get to the end of the day, then do it again tomorrow, okay?

I know it's a tough world out there, but at least we're a useful part of it.

Tom, Siobhan, you two ready?

We're ready.

One minute, people.

Want to hear something ridiculous?

Of course, course we do.

We're doing a weather report tonight.

You're kidding.

Ryan has a copy of the farmer's almanac and the phone number of every meteorologist in the tri-state area, and he's just going to dive in.

That is fucking ridiculous.

Hey, we're here to do the news, right?

15 seconds.

I think I'm gonna open with a joke.

What do you think?

Good idea.

Folks, we'll get to the news of our impending doom in a minute, but first, have you heard the one about the armless hunchback?

And three,

two,

one.

Good evening.

This is Past Prologue.

I'm Siobhan Delilah Rose here with Thomas Stolen.

The Hong Kong project that sought to create a new form of digital storage that would be immune to the sun's magnetic storms has failed.

The project hoped to create a computer mainframe that used state-of-the-art shielding to remain functional after a magnetic storm, but it appears now that the project's design team was too optimistic.

We'll have more details on this story as it develops.

For eight months now, our sun, which for billions of years has fostered life on this planet, now seems to be dead set on destroying it.

Regular magnetic storms have swept across the globe at least twice a month since the storms began.

They have fried everything but the most basic of circuit boards and made all forms of digital storage impossible.

We are now a modern world that can only use pre-war technology.

As we speak on Capitol Hill, the debate is raging on a new aid package to help those who are struggling the most with this new world we find ourselves in.

No doubt, the failure of the Hong Kong project will greatly inform the current debate.

We now go live to Amanda Marie Katherine on the steps of the Capitol.

Amanda, what's the atmosphere like right now?

Siobhan, as I'm sure you can imagine, the atmosphere has gone from tense to panicked.

At the beginning of this crisis, there was a large group of members of Congress who believed that the troubles would pass and soon everything would get back to normal.

But as the months have gone by, those members of Congress have quickly been reduced to two senators and ten representatives, now jokingly referred to as the Ostrich Caucus.

What are they voting on next?

Next up is a vote to establish a nationwide network of crisis centers where Americans will be able to receive services.

That vote should be happening any minute now.

Okay, we will check back with you soon.

Folks, this

well, this is yet another day of bad news, isn't it?

I'm sure you're watching right now and you're wondering, why bother?

Why am I sitting here watching this antique television going out of my way to get even more bad news?

We hear you, and quite honestly, we don't know either.

Not a lot of light at the end of the tunnel, is there?

Thomas, no French novels, please.

As you know, I'm Thomas Stolen.

I'm here with my dear friend, Javon.

In the control room now, begging me not to be a depressing sot, is our producer, Tonya Ricardo.

Right next to her is Daniel Caprit, a man whose weirdly encyclopedic knowledge of mid-century live television made all of what you're seeing right now possible.

At the Capitol right now is our one correspondent, Amanda Marie, and her crew of one cameraman, Sean Wright.

We're not much to look at, but we're here, and we will continue to be.

The world may fall apart completely, but you know what?

In a few minutes, Ryan Ortega is going to give us a weather report.

You heard that right.

Ryan has no Doppler, he has no satellites, nothing.

But he is going to be on in a few minutes to tell us what the weather is going to be like.

The world may be broken, but it spins regardless.

Okay, we're out.

She'll give us a 30-second warning.

30-second warning would be nice.

Yesterday, when she threw to me, I had half a sandwich in my hand.

You doing okay?

Yeah.

I figured Hong Kong was gonna shit the bed, but there was this part of me that was really hoping we would catch a break.

It was their first try.

Maybe they'll get their act together.

When?

Fuck if I know.

Police barricades everywhere.

No food at the supermarket.

London is flooded.

I have to walk up 15 flights of stairs to get back to my apartment.

We can't go on like this.

Uh, it's a little funny you threw in 15 flights of stairs with those other things.

Because it's a tragedy, Sean.

I hear you.

Uh,

look,

I think we should remind ourselves that human beings existed a long time before circuit boards and hard drives did.

I hate how much I sound like my dad when I say that, but it's true.

What's that sound?

What sound?

Listen.

Hey, Tanya.

What?

Can you put your headset on?

Amanda Marie's freaking out about something.

Okay.

Amanda, what's wrong?

Put me on the air right fucking now.

That's a shame, because I was just getting on the trail of my favorite one yet.

Something about a man in Jerusalem in the 14th century.

A man named Tarek of York.

I swear to God, I have found evidence of this man, Tarek of York, over the last 700 years.

Same guy.

700 years.

What the hell does that mean, y'all?

Is there another one?

The way people are migrating across the globe now, I may never know I've lost track of the world.

Why do you keep listening to that?

I'm trying to remember anything I know about Jerusalem in the 14th century.

Just for fun?

This thing Tamara said about this guy, Tarek of York.

It's bugging me.

Why?

She tracked Clementine through her entire planet's history, and then she got on the trail of this other guy.

Apparently, he pops up over the course of 700 years.

You don't think that's weird?

Of course I think it's weird, Casper.

Everything is weird.

This seems especially weird.

Casper, we're floating in an ocean of doo-doo right now, and you're picking up one turd and saying, hey, guys, isn't this weird?

A 700-year-old man is in a different category than the other stuff.

Are you going to start an old dude's club?

Play some golf, secretly influence world events?

Maybe.

What's a British guy doing in Jerusalem in the 14th century?

How do you know he's British?

Tarek of York is a British name.

Crusades?

Crusades were over.

Maybe he was on a pilgrimage.

If he was a member of a religious order, he probably would have changed his name to something biblical.

I don't know what to tell you.

If there are two Clementines out there, we should know about it, right?

Casper, look at all this up here.

I'm a little preoccupied with the one vengeful goddess that we do know about.

Yeah, it's looking pretty crazy up here.

What is all this?

This is the plan.

Using the new processor we stole, I've put together a smaller version of the Ted's wind chimes.

When she gets here, she should, should be trapped here.

While she's trapped here, the diner gets to work trying to take away her powers.

If it can.

And what about the part where she's psychotic and wants to kill us?

That's where I come in.

I'm basically going to throw everything I've got at her.

Which will just make her more mad.

According to Zebulon, Clementine's on tilt right now.

I need to keep her that way.

Keep her off balance.

If she can't focus, I think I'll be able to keep us safe.

Okay.

Hey, if you blow her up while she's riding away on horseback, don't forget to save the horse.

Still?

Oh, yes, still.

John Wilkes Booth.

Still, I'm not going to argue about this anymore.

Remind me to tell you about the Tower of Enlightenment on Moog sometime.

Fine.

What's this big antenna?

That's the Hail Mary pass.

People who are confident in their endeavors don't normally have a Hail Mary pass.

Never know when you're going to need one.

Leaf, is any of this gonna work?

It's the only play we've got.

She said she couldn't get back to her people.

While I do believe that everything must be done to stop her,

it was a moment when I felt sympathy for her.

I saw her wind the hands of time back and forth.

I saw her erase a man only to make him somehow appear appear once again a moment later.

Despite that, she appears unable to return to the home she is attempting to save.

She can't go back to her version of Earth and use her power to save it.

So she's been trying to shift the timeline to give her version of Earth a better outcome?

If she can't get back to her home, how would she even know if it worked?

I don't think she would.

It sounds like she's been opening every door she can, hoping that the next thing she does will lead her back to the home she wants to have.

And she doesn't know that everything she does just makes it worse.

She doesn't realize that she's the thing that ruined it all for her version of Earth.

Which is a crazy bananas paradox that shouldn't be possible, but nobody told her it wasn't possible, so...

For her, it's possible.

When she shows up again, we need to tell her what's happening.

If she knows knows the destruction she's causing, maybe she would stop.

Effie and I have discussed this very thing, Gloria.

We do not believe that Clementine should be told of the destruction she has caused her people.

You don't?

Why?

We believe that Clementine is in the thrall of something.

Call it what you like, call it the devil, call it hubris.

Doesn't matter much what you call it, but she has been seduced into thinking that she has the power to steer the world as if it were a ship on the ocean.

And if you were to tell her that her actions brought destruction to those she loves, there would be no repentance.

There would be no reflection.

There would only be the voice of that demon within her whispering in her ear, You can change it all.

You can erase your mistakes.

The world is for you to shape.

And while that voice has a hold of her, every attempt to reason with her will be dry branches on a bonfire.

I'm afraid Clementine has become an abomination, a monster.

And though there may be within her a child,

we will not save the child without first defeating the monster.

It's rare this is ever the case, Gloria, but the only solution now is an ass whooping.

Pardon my language.

I'm not sure Leif is equipped to whoop the demon out of her, y'all.

I'd have a little more faith in that odd bird on up on our roof, Gloria.

I believe he's due to surprise us any time now.

Demons.

Ava?

Ava?

You okay?

Demons.

Uh, what?

Goddamn demons.

Oh, God.

Is it happening again?

God damn motherfucking demons.

I agree with the sentiment, Ava, but I have to talk to Leif.

Okay,

I guess we're going up to the roof.

Come on.

I'm beginning to feel a bit guilty about ever being carried around by everyone.

I love it.

I feel like the queen of Sheba.

Lee, what?

God,

damn, this ladder is a tetanus festival.

What's going on?

Leaf,

listen.

Maxwell's demon.

demon.

Maxwell's demon?

Maxwell's demon?

Think about it.

Maxwell's demon.

Maxwell's demon.

What's happening?

Keep saying Maxwell's demon over and over again.

What does that mean?

How would I know?

Maxwell's demon.

Maxwell's demon!

Are they actually communicating right now?

Maxwell's demon!

Maxwell's demon!

How long do you think it's going to take before they talk to us?

They don't even know we're here right now.

Y'all, if this predicament of ours involves demons, do you understand

the size of the apology I will be owed by every dang one of y'all?

I'll be first in line.

We're not talking about thermodynamics.

No, expand the idea.

Clementine would need a massive amount of energy to do what she does.

Where is it coming from?

Hmm.

Uh-huh.

I miss having a phone in these moments because I would just check Instagram until they were done.

Could you follow on Instagram?

Bakers, mostly.

If she's running an entropic deficit,

where is she making up for the deficit?

Think about Siligadze.

Siligadzi.

Yes.

I keep forgetting to tell you.

I really like what you did with your room.

Thank you.

It's very cozy.

I need more pictures.

I usually have lots of pictures hanging.

You'll get there.

You're saying she gets her energy from mirror particles.

Such as

dark matter.

Dark matter.

She's fueled by dark matter.

Yes.

Holy shit.

My darling Annabelle, it has been three weeks since Leif and Ava started talking and I fear that there is no end inside.

Clementine has a power source.

Yes, pure evil.

Dark matter.

She uses uses dark matter as fuel to do all the things she does.

How?

No idea.

But it means there are rules she has to follow.

And if she has rules to follow, that means we can use them against her.

What are you going to do?

I need to reroute a few things.

If Ava's right, when she shows up, she'll be pulling errant dark matter from her surroundings.

But if I'm pulling dark matter out of the environment too,

it might limit her powers.

By how much?

No idea, but it might be enough.

This might not be a suicide mission anymore.

It was a suicide mission before.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Would have liked that information.

You're going to be able to take her powers away?

I seriously doubt it.

But if I can siphon enough energy off of her, I may be able to shave off 25%,

30%.

That may make all the difference.

Okay.

While Lafe's doing that, we've been talking.

We're not going to tell Clementine that she was the one who destroyed her planet.

We're not?

Why?

Because if we do it, it might push her over the edge.

And when someone that powerful goes over the edge, who knows what could happen.

If you were causing that much destruction, wouldn't you want to know about it?

Honestly,

I don't know.

Here we go.

Uh.

So this is

a bit conspicuous.

Are we

on the steps of the fucking Capitol building?

I feel like people are gonna notice that a diner just appeared outside of Congress.

Where is everyone, though?

There's police barricades everywhere.

Leaf, where are we?

Hang on.

This earth looks pretty screwed up, but we're not on Clementine's timeline.

Maybe the diner took us to neutral territory?

This is someplace new.

Weird.

This looks like a fairly modern Earth, but

there's no data networks, no satellites either.

Something strange is going on here.

Where is everybody?

There should be tourists.

Reporters.

I see a news camera.

Right over there.

Look at the correspondent.

She's freaking out.

Weird day for her.

Um,

does she look a little familiar to anyone?

What the hell?

Oh my lord.

We're going to have to cut in here.

Amanda Marie at the Capitol has something for us.

Amanda, what have you got for us?

Uh,

Amanda?

There is

just a few seconds ago a well a

diner

has

appeared

on the steps of the Capitol

A diner we have a live shot here

are you seeing it

Sean can can you get closer in?

That's...

That's a diner.

Amanda?

How long has it been there?

Siobhan, it just

showed up.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

Amanda, you're saying that a diner

has just appeared on the steps of the Capitol building.

I'm having a hard time saying those words, Tom, because they sound like crazy words.

Amanda, there appears to be people on the roof.

Can you get a closer shot?

Sean, can you get a closer shot of the roof?

Okay.

Okay, uh, there, we can see the people on the roof, and uh, that's

that's

am I seeing what everyone else is seeing?

Is that

me?

What the fuck?

And now they're waving at us.

That's totally Effie in front of the camera.

Is it really?

Yeah.

That's what Effie looks like?

It is.

Effie, you look great.

It's a very sharp pantsuit you're wearing.

It is a fine look, I don't mind saying.

But what in all heck is going on?

Zebulon's behind the camera.

Oh, shit.

And that's what Zebulon looks like?

I feel that I am not properly dressed for a workday.

What does this mean?

We're going to have to figure this out later, people.

We've got incoming.

Shit.

Here we go.

Knock, knock.

Y'all open?

Good luck, Laif.

Showtime.

Whoa!

Cool.

Oh, shit, did we just put our shields up?

How you doing, Clementine?

The fuck is this force field, Laif?

Additional security measures.

I don't know if you heard, but there's a fucking insane person out there trying to kill us.

You realize I'm just going to teleport inside your little bubble, right?

The thought had occurred to me.

Give it a shot.

Jesus Christ.

Fine.

Oh, shit, Lee.

That was very gratifying.

What the hell was that?

Pretty great, right?

It's called Misox Tabernacle.

And it's not really a force field.

It just looks like it.

There's this dwarf planet near the center of Triangulum.

It was totally deserted, but a surveying team found a workshop there.

Covered in dust and rubble.

The only thing left inside was a skeleton, and volume after volume of engineering schematics, wild stuff, things nobody had ever seen before.

All of it designed by a being named Misok, who died a millennia ago.

Nobody knows who he was.

All we have are his designs:

Misok's chariot, Misok's Oniger, Misok's Astrolabe, and of course,

Misox Tabernacle.

A force field that isn't really a force field.

The problem with Misox designs is that they're so complicated and so elegant that they can't be scaled and they can't be mass produced.

And in a system where everything's a volume business, there was just no place for them.

Sad, really.

So Misox designs became an oddity, something weird that had no place in the world.

Kind of like the knuckleball.

Weird, strangely effective.

But there were really just five or six people in the game that knew how to pull it off.

And not to toot my own horn, but uh, toot toot, I'm one of those people.

So you're just gonna hide in your little bubble?

Is that it?

It's working so far.

Fine.

Suit yourself.

I'll just put you and your diner and your bubble into an even deeper hole than the one I put you in last time.

See you soon.

What's

demon?

Yes.

Oh, you having a little trouble there, Clementine?

Why won't you go away?

Clementine, if I had a beer for every time someone said that to me, I'd be shit-faced right now.

What are you doing?

Clementine,

you're out of your league.

How about you give this up now before it gets worse?

Out of my league?

I could destroy this whole city if I wanted to out of my league.

Yeah, we've all heard the stories of how powerful you are, Clementine.

That's not why you're out of your league.

You're out of your league because of this.

Tell me how electricity works.

What?

Electricity.

You flick a switch, a light comes on.

How does it work?

Uh.

I don't know.

Right.

And I do.

And so does this one.

Yeah.

Maybe not these two so much.

I feel like I could know it.

I've just never taken the time.

I know what I'm meant to do.

Who I'm supposed to be.

It took a long time to figure it out, but I know now.

But you?

flailing around the cosmos?

You have no idea what you're doing.

And that makes your power irrelevant.

Take down this force field.

I'll show you how irrelevant it is.

You ever watch Penelope Pitstop?

What?

I never watched TV when I was a kid.

We didn't have one.

But once I left Earth, I was constantly on a lot of very long flights.

A lot of time to catch up on everything I missed.

And there was this one old cartoon that caught my attention.

Penelope Pitstop is a wealthy heiress, and the bad guy is always trying to steal her riches through these ridiculous plots.

Always trying to keep her safe is the Anthill mob.

This group of short little gangsters who all had their own gimmick.

Lots of allusions to Snow White.

Dum Dum was the dumb one.

Snoozy was always asleep.

You get it.

One member of the Anthill gang was Pockets.

Pockets could always reach into his pockets and pull out whatever they needed to get out of a jam.

defying all laws of physics.

He pulled a suspension bridge out of his pocket one time.

God, I loved that guy.

A criminal,

a guy who could make things,

and a guy who wanted to defend something beautiful.

Anyway, I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

What the fuck?

I'm Pockets.

So,

am I the only one who had huge cannon on the roof of the diner on their bingo card?

Fucking asshole.

Pretty fun, right?

Who doesn't love a good particle cannon?

Yeah,

yeah, that does look like fun.

I think I'll give it a try.

Did she just shoot freaking lasers from her hand?

I think so.

Anything you can do, I can do better.

I can do anything better than you.

Everybody stay down.

So,

Amanda

What are we looking at now?

Um

there's a woman

She

appears to be shooting lasers out of her hands at the diner that has just appeared on the steps of the capital uh-huh

sure

that's

okay

Just making sure

what is that music?

That's not our music.

We're okay.

The shield told him.

Didn't tell me about lasers out of the hands, Leif.

This is the less powerful version of her.

We're okay.

We're just getting started.

What is that music?

Welcome back, Sports fans.

I'm Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton.

And we are coming to you live from the Rumble at the Capitol.

If you're just joining us, the fight is off to a thunderous start.

Leaf unleashed a devastating particle beam attack on Clementine, but then Clementine surprised us all by returning fire with not one, but two particle beams out of her own damn hands.

Bram, the look on Leave's face when she returned fire.

Kitty, I thought Leaf was gonna make a big old boom-boom in his dipey-wipey.

Bram, how do you think Leif's gonna recover from this?

Well, kitty, Leaf may be a mere mortal compared to Clementine's crazy godhood, but he's got a bag of tricks the size of my grandmother's yarn barn.

Who knows what he's gonna pull out of there?

Fly, my pretties.

And it looks like it's drones.

You know, Bram, I was not expecting drones so soon.

It's an unconventional choice, but Leaf's an unconventional guy.

Let's watch.

Drones?

What are you gonna do?

Annoy me to death?

Firing flachette guns.

Those bees do like to sting, don't they?

Kidd, the drones appear to be firing some sort of projectiles at a very high rate right now.

Let's talk to Lee about it.

Leave, what are your drones packing right now?

Huh?

We see you've got some interesting firepower on the field right now.

Tell us about it.

Uh,

yeah, uh, flashette gun or needle gun.

Small, needle-like projectiles fired with an electromagnetic at a very high velocity.

Well, that sounds like an ouchie factory.

I'll tell you, kitty, I'm never looking at my acupuncturist in the same way again.

Okay, I have several questions that I need answered.

Like,

why are our doppelgangers on a roof of a diner that suddenly appeared on the steps of the capital?

Yes, thank you, Daniel.

That's one.

You know, Bram, the drones looked like an odd choice at first, but Clementine does seem to be having a dickens of a time getting rid of them.

Maybe we should start with who's breaking into the broadcast.

With so much I can do about that, this technology is one step up from the Bronze Age.

Tom,

Folks, we

don't have any answers for you about what's currently happening at the Capitol.

All we can tell you

all we can tell you

is that we're going to keep on this until we can tell you something.

How about that?

That sounds good.

Yes, also, you're going to be hearing some other voices as we're broadcasting.

That is, unfortunately, just another thing we don't know about.

They're just...

kind of

here.

She is like tippy hedred out there with those drones.

Like that.

Like what you just heard.

No idea where that's coming from.

Amanda, are you still there?

I'm still here.

I don't know how else to ask this, but are um

are the laser beams randomly firing into the sky?

Siobhan,

there now appears to be a squadron of drones

firing something at the laser lady

and she's firing lasers randomly at the cloud of drones in other news.

Could someone please fire me for having to say what I just said?

And

this is all happening in the parking lot of the diner that has just appeared on the Capitol steps.

Sure.

Okay, everybody, real quick while she's distracted by the drones, everybody take one of these.

What are they?

You don't want to know, just do it.

Are these grenades or something?

Or something.

I love it.

Give me one.

Everybody, throw on three.

Ready?

One, two, three.

What's this now?

dude.

Is that what I think it is?

Chemical ice.

Looks like you were right, Graham.

Kitty, it's looking like the drones kept Clementine busy just long enough for Lee to make his next move.

And it's gotten a chilly reception, wouldn't you say?

That's right.

It's looking like Clementine failed to turn before the iceberg, and now she's got passengers manning the lifeboats.

You dropped her in a giant ice cube.

I did.

Can she get out of it?

I'm sure she can get out of it.

The question is: can the diner suck the evil out of her before she escapes?

Well, how long did it take with the shopsies?

Several hours.

Sheesh.

How long do you think she'll be frozen?

Not several hours.

I need to work on my next move.

And that's halftime.

What a way to end the first half, wouldn't you say, kitty?

Bram, as we've seen before, Lafe loves to steal things.

That is true.

He is not Ronald McDonald.

He is the hand burglar.

And right at the end of the first half, we see it.

Chemical Ice, the dreaded tool of his arch enemy, the Teds.

Hey, if it works, it works.

You heard it right here, folks, from the man himself.

If it works, it works.

Don't go far, folks.

We're gonna have more action for you right after this break.

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Okay.

So now the voices appear to be cutting to some sort of commercial break, which we're not hearing.

Not sure what that's about.

If you're just joining us,

wow!

How to summarize this?

A bit of a challenge.

Earlier this evening on the steps of the Capitol, a diner appeared.

That's bizarre thing number one.

On the roof of that diner appeared to be,

well,

us.

People who look exactly like myself, like Tom, as well as Daniel and Tanya, who produced this show.

Bizarre thing number two.

And then.

I'll take this one.

And then a red-headed woman also appeared in the parking lot of the diner that had just appeared on the Capitol steps.

And she began shooting lasers from her hand.

Yes,

that.

That

happened.

And that is Bizarre Thing number three.

Now, that's plenty of bizarre things for me, but we are not stopping there.

Oh, no, we're not.

Because now there is a big block of ice.

Is that right, Amanda?

That's right, Tom.

Huge block of ice.

And

do we

have any idea where this block of ice may have come from?

Seriously?

Well, I'm just wondering how.

You really think I'm going to know where a block of ice the size of a Ford Super Duty came from?

Well, I don't,

asking me this before you ask me about the magical diner or the laser I'm just trying to kill some time Amanda because apparently we're on a commercial break folks if you're watching at home and think that we're all having some sort of massive hallucination

who knows you might be right

One thing's for sure though, for the past several minutes, I bet you haven't been thinking about how the sun's sun's trying to destroy our planet.

That's a very important point, Siobhan.

In fact, I almost forgot myself.

Okay, it looks like we're hearing something again.

Let's listen in.

Amanda, keep that camera pointed at the action.

Well, what else am I going to film?

Okay, just making sure.

And we're back!

Bram, while we're waiting for the second half to begin, a bit of behind-the-scenes business.

I have heard from multiple sources that right before the action began tonight, there was a dramatic change in Laif's approach to facing off with Clementine.

Is that right?

It's true.

And it all has to do with something called Maxwell's Demon.

Sounds spicy.

Now, I would not be able to explain this to you.

I'm no expert.

Luckily, in the studio right now, we have the member of the team responsible for this tactic change, Dr.

Ava Maddox.

Ava, how are you doing today?

Huh?

Oh,

oh, okay.

Hi.

What are you doing?

Shh, I'm doing press.

Ava, Maxwell's demon.

Tell us all about it.

Maxwell's demon is a thought experiment proposed by physicist James Maxwell.

And what does that have to do with our matchup tonight?

Maxwell's thought experiment imagined a superbeing, someone who was able to control the flow of particles in a way that defied the laws of thermodynamics.

Maxwell asked, could a being like this exist?

And what does that have to do with our matchup tonight?

Well, for a long time, it was thought that Maxwell's demon couldn't exist, because cheating your way out of the laws of thermodynamics would cause you to incur an entropic debt.

You would be generating energy, and you don't generate energy in any universe, you just move it from one place to another.

I'm sensing a twist!

Then along comes Zurab Siligadzi.

He proposed that Maxwell's demon could exist if the demon was paying off its entropic debt through mirror matter, like mirror photons or dark matter.

So we thought,

what if Clementine works in a similar way?

Well, I don't understand a word of that, but you're saying you use this idea to take Clementine out at the knees?

She's definitely working at a reduced capacity right now.

She could easily get out of that block of ice had Leaf not started siphoning dark matter.

Aw, Leaif?

Yeah.

I think the ice age is coming to an end over here.

Fuck.

Already?

Look!

Shit.

Kitty, it looks like the second half is starting whether we like it or not.

Clementine has had enough of the ice bath and she is ready to take the field.

What do we do?

What's the next move?

God damn it.

It doesn't matter.

What do you mean?

I was hoping I'd be able to hold her off longer than this.

She's unstoppable.

Nobody's unstoppable, Laif.

Think the ice is melting.

I think she's raising her body temperature.

Fuck.

Okay, you told me you've been in worse jams than this.

Think about those.

What did you do?

Okay.

I would always make a plan, but then there was always a point towards the end where I would have to abandon the plan and just wing it.

I think we're there.

Kitty, I want to remind everyone that this is not just a block of ice Clementine is trapped in, but a block of chemical ice.

The freezing point of which is far lower than that of regular old H2O.

Now, for her to cause that to melt so fast, she would have to be generating enough energy to light up South America.

Bram, if Leif has a Hail Mary Pass, it's time for him to throw it.

Hail Mary Pass!

Hail Mary Pass!

What's the Hail Mary Pass?

Something to do with that huge antenna.

Lafe!

Hail Mary Pass!

Enough energy to light up South America.

I can see her inside the ice now.

She's glowing.

Wait, we need to boost the signal.

We're going all in on the Hail Mary pass.

Casper, see those two red cables?

Yeah, hold them.

Okay.

Okay, these cables are very live.

That's the dark matter energy I've been funneling from the surroundings.

Should I be holding these in my hands right now?

On the Hail Mary antenna, there's two auxiliary power inputs.

Do you see them?

Yes.

Plug the cables into it.

What does the Hail Mary antenna do?

Nothing if this doesn't work.

I've plugged in the red cables and also I taste pennies.

Here we go.

Yeah, she's almost out of the ice.

I'm gonna make you pay for this one.

Oh,

Clementine has broken free of that ice like it was a brick wall, and she was the Kool-Aid man.

She does not look happy, Kenneth.

Open up!

Graham!

Clementine is tearing into Lab's divisions, and the look on her face.

Like a fair.

You just stumbled into an old country buffet, kidding.

The shield is not doing great.

Come on.

Come on.

There we go.

Kidd, we really need to be asking ourselves what this Hail Mary pass could be.

Could it do any good?

Could this be the end of a very long streak of good luck for Leith?

Life, any statement for us in these final moments?

Has your luck finally run out?

Fuck luck.

Uh-oh, get it?

We know what that music means.

Bram, it sounds like another player has entered the arena.

Is anyone smelling popcorn?

Hey, X?

Who are you?

Get away from my friends.

Oh my, that is one heck of a haymaker from the X.

She has sent Clementine rolling down the Capitol steps faster than a drunk candidate.

This is a game changer, Bray.

Fuck yeah.

X.

Oh my god!

Hi!

What the hell?

Well, I kept hearing this really annoying sound in the back of my head.

When I really listened to it, it was a message from Lake saying you all were in trouble, and so here I am.

The Hail Mary antenna.

Hail Mary is right.

Who's this lady?

Oh, uh, X, uh, read my mind real quick.

Okay.

Hey, um, Abe Lincoln.

Okay, okay.

Shop shop seats.

Gonna workshop that.

Thank you.

Oh my god, she spied on you.

Oh, oh my god, an asteroid?

Oh my god, your mom's

wait.

Here it comes.

She offered what it wasn't great.

Oh, this chip's gotta be good.

We agree.

Yeah, she's.

Oh shit.

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck are you?

I'm Clementine.

That's a stupid name.

You have to have someone fight your battles for you, Lave.

Hey, don't talk to him.

You're talking to me now.

These people are my friends, and you're trying to hurt them.

I don't know who you are, but you're in my way.

I don't know who you are, and I don't care.

Whatever.

Let's do this.

Bram, the game has officially changed.

This is an epic showdown, Kidd.

The irresistible force of Clementine versus the immovable object that is the X.

No telling how this turns out.

You have no idea what you're up against right now.

I've survived 11 million versions of Casper.

I'm pretty sure I can handle you.

That's a little unfair.

But you're in the boat!

So,

um,

Amanda?

Yeah.

What?

Um

What are we looking at here?

I have no fucking idea.

Whoa, language like the FCC exists anymore.

Can you just describe what we're seeing right now?

Of course I can't.

Could you maybe give it a try, Amanda?

Oh, okay,

fine.

There's a red-headed lady with laser hands, and she is currently in a fight with um

I don't know

some sort of thing that nerds masturbate to.

I'm just trying to report the news here, Amanda.

Well, here's some breaking news.

You can't

Hey, Clement.

You know what's so funny?

Look at us.

We're out of breath after trying to beat the crap out out of each other.

But here's the thing:

I don't breathe.

I'm an android.

So, what am I doing?

What are you doing?

I think it's a relic.

I used to be programmed to mimic human behavior.

There's a few things I still keep around just for fun.

I imagine it's the same for you, right?

What do you know about me?

Well,

I can read mine's Clementine.

And I've been trying

to read yours for the past few minutes, but it's funny.

You don't have one.

You've got arms,

legs, a head, no brain.

There's nothing there.

I know.

That's a new one for me.

What happened to your brains?

Guess I didn't need them.

I know how you feel.

I don't have a brain either.

My body is just one big

slab.

You don't look like one big slab.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

It's a little lonely, right?

Knowing there's no one like you.

Here we are, two unique beings.

Maybe we should compare notes.

No, thank you.

Oh,

relentless in the pursuit of your mission.

Yeah, I used to be like that too, but then I realized I didn't have to be.

I realized I could

let it all

go.

You should give it a try.

Why is this diner full of people who can't shut the fuck up?

I know it's really annoying, right?

It's the ones that don't talk that worry me, though.

Anytime I see someone who doesn't talk and keeps to themselves, I worry about them.

Because they're afraid.

They're afraid if they open their mouth, that something will change.

They say something, and it changes everything.

That's an amazing thing about words.

And I'm pretty powerful, as I'm sure you've noticed.

The power that runs through me is the kind of thing that normal people dream of.

But

it's nothing compared to someone just opening their mouth and speaking.

You can say the right word at the right time, and the ground can shift underneath you.

A dark world becomes brighter.

You can change everything about yourself in

an instant just by speaking.

Give it a try,

Clementine.

Speak.

No.

Okay.

Then I guess it's back to beating the crap out of each other.

It was you, Clementine.

Lafe.

What?

You're trying to figure out what destroyed your world.

It was you.

I thought we said trust me.

That's impossible.

You're right.

It is.

But you can do impossible things, Clementine.

It was you.

I come from a destroyed world.

I can't be the cause of it.

You destroyed it a little bit more.

I know.

It's hard to understand.

I'm coming down.

Wait, what are you doing?

Hey, I said I would handle this.

I'm handling it.

Let him go, Casper.

Kidd.

What do you think we're looking at right now?

Ram, in an unprecedented move, Blaif has called a timeout and is headed out on the field.

It's brief moments like this that can shift a game's trajectory entirely.

Let's watch.

When you put us in jail, it was on your version of Earth in the future.

I imagine that was on purpose.

You wanted us to see what your world had become.

But there were people there.

People from other planets.

And they were picking through the rubble, trying to find out what had happened.

They had learned some things.

They had learned that every bad thing that had happened on the planet happened when there there was a visit from a beautiful red-headed woman named Clementine.

You're lying.

I didn't figure it out.

It was Tamara.

Do you remember Tamara?

She was a security guard at a mall.

You gave her a diamond from the surface of Mercury.

She spent the rest of her life trying to figure out who you were.

She learned a lot.

Siberia?

Indonesia?

Fires in California?

Does any of this sound familiar?

There's no way you could know that.

Clementine, there's no way you can't know it.

I know pretty well what it looks like when someone's dancing just as fast as they can, trying to keep the truth away.

That can't be the truth.

You've been pushing through every door, weaving through history, trying to make something happen.

If you stopped for just one second, if you took one second to look back and see the trail of destruction you're leaving behind you,

you'd know I was right.

It can't be me.

I know a little something about leaving a trail of destruction behind you.

Sometimes it's so much you feel like you can't ever look back.

So at a certain point, you decide that the only way you can function is through denial.

It works pretty well for a while, but

it's no way to live.

Clementine,

we have you trapped here.

What?

That was the whole plan, okay?

We get you here.

We trap you here.

The diner would slowly take away your powers while we duck and cover and hope you don't kill us first.

Go ahead.

Try to teleport away.

You can't.

Turn it off!

That's lazy.

Get behind me.

I'm going to turn it off, okay?

It's okay.

I'm going to turn it off, not because I'm afraid you're going to kill me, but because

I believe in you, Clementine.

I believe in people,

I believe they can change.

There,

it's off.

How about we call this one a draw?

Why?

Because we can't beat it out of you.

You've got to see it for yourself.

You can't call it a victory, but everyone did walk away from this one, and you can't be mad at that.

Kiddip,

this was the fight of Leaf's life.

And what did he do?

Abandoned his usual way of thinking at the last minute and used his real power.

Being a human being.

So poignant, Bram.

So poignant.

We're gonna take a quick break, and then we'll be back as Bram and I break down the match moment by moment.

They're not actually gonna break it down moment by moment, are they?

We're back, y'all.

Sorry, everyone.

I thought it was really beautiful, Leaf.

Thanks, Ex.

When you said you were going to abandon the plan, I was not expecting this.

I know.

I I wasn't too happy about it either, but doing the math, she would have needed to stay here for hours before the diner could fix her.

That means several hours of Clementine and the ex pounding away at each other.

They would have leveled the whole place.

I guess I could get more mad about it, but I for real thought we were all dead.

You know, thinking back on it now, this whole thing was a terrible plan.

It was our only plan.

Yes, I'm realizing now that just because it is the only plan does not, in fact, make it a good plan.

I don't like that you went against our wishes, Lafe, but we understand.

It was made better by watching our friend deliver just a little bit of ass whooping to Clementine.

My pleasure.

It is, of course, wrong to celebrate violence, except for, of course, this time.

Excuse me.

It is such an odd feeling staring into my own face like that.

I don't see it.

I'm Amanda Marie.

I'm with Breaking News America.

We're live right now.

Could I ask you some questions?

Gloria, looks like you've got to go give them the talk.

You know what?

You do it.

For real?

Yeah.

You did good today.

Go take a victory lap.

Talk to the people.

Okay.

Okay, cool.

Hey there.

Could I get your name?

I'm Laif.

Hello, everyone.

Okay.

Hello, teleporting to me.

How are you?

That was so much fun just now.

Fun is a word.

Clementine's crazy powerful.

She is.

I hate it.

I haven't gotten a real workout in a while.

She shot me with laser beams.

You know, only you could phrase that exactly like that.

So,

how have you been?

Are things with Avine, you know?

I'm sitting right here.

Hey!

Hi!

Thanks for bailing us out, X.

I love your violence.

Thank you.

Ex, I can't believe this, but I'm going to hug you.

I love it.

I've never been happier to see a thing I don't understand in my life.

Sounds like Clementine really put y'all through the ringer, huh?

It was rough there for a minute.

I loved swooping in and saving the day.

I felt like Zorro.

Okay, I'm making everybody food.

Come down in a minute and tell me how Shell is doing, okay?

Okay, well.

I'll head down too.

Thanks again, Slugger.

No problem.

So

what happens next?

Do we go after her?

Do we wait for her to come to us?

X.

You can't come with us.

You obviously need my help.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

But...

I don't know where this ends with Clementine.

She could come back at us even harder than before.

She's completely unpredictable.

Which is why you obviously need my help.

X, why don't you tell me why you can't come with us?

Because I have obligations now.

That's right.

You're off on a distant planet raising little tree lits now.

If we went up against Clementine again and something happened to you, they'd be screwed.

You've got people depending on you.

I'm thrilled to see you, but

if Leaf had told me he was calling you in, I would have told him no.

I'm sorry, you can't come with us.

Fine.

Can I at least drink a margarita and pretend like I'm drunk again?

Of course.

Okay, let's go.

Wait,

what?

What?

What?

What's wrong?

Wait.

Casper?

You can't come with us, but

I do need you to do me a favor.

Oh

Okay,

so wait

regular magnetic storms?

I mean, they're not like clockwork, but it's a couple of times a month.

A month?

A month.

Holy shit.

But what I wanted to do is.

So you can't use any modern electronics.

I mean, look at the camera we're using.

This is from 1955.

That's crazy.

It is, but I wanted to- So you guys are screwed.

Well, we are trying some solutions.

There was an experiment in Hong Kong, something about tri-blend metallic shielding.

Oh, yeah, that'll never work.

Can you tell me where this diner comes?

I have an idea.

X?

Yeah.

The Force Field unit.

Do you see it?

Yeah.

Could you bring that down and the book right next to it?

Sure.

Thanks.

I think I can help you out.

Help us out.

How?

Holy god damn it.

Oh, sorry, not to worry.

Just a teleporting android.

Hi.

Here's this big metal thing.

Here's the book.

Thanks, X.

No problem.

Fucking what?

You get used to it.

Can you tell me what she is?

I'll get to that in a second.

Let me talk to the people really quick.

I'm going right into the camera.

Hello, America.

My name is Laif.

I am leaving you with two things.

One,

Misok's Tabernacle.

This force field will hook up to any power source and give you a diffusion field that will protect you from magnetic storms.

But

it'll only protect one building, which is why I'm leaving you with this.

A copy of the Mysteries of Misok.

All kinds of interesting things in there that will help the world get through this trying time.

There's an abandoned gold mine in South Dakota that's already set up for experiments, and it's deep enough to protect you from magnetic storms.

Good luck.

Thank you.

So,

okay, let me just start from the beginning.

What is this place?

Oh, shit.

You know what?

It's time to go.

I've got a head inside.

Wait.

You guys are going to do great.

Read the book and get to work.

Who are you, people?

We run a diner.

Hello?

Your uh correspondent gave you this number to call?

Hello, me.

Well,

hello, me.

This is

weird.

I imagine it must be.

Not weird for you, though.

No, this is pretty average right now.

Okay.

Hey, any second, though?

We're not going to be here anymore.

I'd ask your questions now, if you have them.

Okay,

why is my doppelganger on the roof of a magical diner?

I'm not your doppelganger.

There's

there's infinite universes, and there's infinite

us.

In your universe, you're on the news.

In mine, I'm in a magical diner.

Okay,

you probably got about thirty seconds.

Any advice on being us?

I'm not the greatest version of us to ask advice from.

Um,

how about this?

Find people you love,

hold on to them.

Never,

ever

let go.

Holy shit, the diner just disappeared, Parking lot and everything!

I just talked to him.

Who?

Me.

No!

Yes.

How?

I told Amanda to give him my office number.

The phone went dead when you came in.

What did you ask?

I asked him for advice on being me.

What did he say?

He told me to stick with you.

Okay,

so he's a genius.

I guess so.

We're all gonna go find something resembling a bar, and then you are going to tell me everything.

Yes,

yes, I will.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

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I'm going to open with a jump.

You know what?

Can we just

before you say your line, can you be doing like a mama mama or something like that?

One of those

unique things.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

99 nuns in an Indiana nunnery.

The human torch

is on fire.

Um,

this

is

a

bit con

yeah,

I can't speak.

I'm having a stroke,

folks.

If you're watching at home and think that we are all having some sort of massive hallucination, I cannot say that fucking word,

folks.

Folks, having a weird mom builds character, you guys.

That's totally

Thanks for the mom bonding.

But I'm enjoying it.

It's kind of fun.

It's kind of fun.

It's weirdly sexual, but very fun.

Let's do it.

It's nice to meet you.

All right.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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