Chapter 27: Weird Night at the Sheep's Eye

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Previously on Midnight Burger, Clementine puts the diner in brunch jail.

Clementine put us in the ultimate place of punishment for a restaurant.

A never-ending brunch.

And that may seem all nice and groovy to you, but some of y'all have not gotten up at four in the morning to clean 1,000 champagne flutes and it shows.

Life.

You go jerk the guts out of one of them contraptions immediately and get us the heck out of this purgatory.

We'll do it.

Luckily, with the help of noted criminal criminal Lafe, the diner was able to escape its prison of Hollandaise.

I love crime.

And now it's time for the diner to get ready for the big showdown with...

Hang on.

Do y'all remember this?

I believe it's time.

I don't approve of this plan, Zebulon.

Where did he go again?

He has

decided to seclude himself in prayer.

And then a whole thing happened, and he came back and he was like, I have returned.

Hey, Zeb, we missed you.

What's going on there?

Let's start the shift.

As she dreamingly stood on the marble step

and leaned on the college wall.

My father LSI never

knew

his name were eyes so bright.

My mother sleeps in a new made grave is an

on victim.

The gold still fail and the wind

winds, and the rainbow

is gone.

His girl is girl and

the world is the world.

Brank

Brank

There was a particular bend in the river near my home where I would go if I needed to be alone.

Is that what this place is for you, Clementine?

I thought I put you in a box somewhere.

We are there still.

And what are you doing in the radio?

I'm afraid I don't have an answer for that particular question.

I want your voice out of my head.

As a man who has been married for many a year, I certainly understand the desire to not hear my voice for a time.

How are you able to do this?

Again, if you seek answers on that, I will disappoint you.

There are many a mystery round my wife's and my existence, but its strangeness does seem to have a certain mode.

My wife has a sense of things.

She seems to be able to see what's coming.

And myself, well, when I speak, things seem to happen.

And I seem to have no control over the effect my words may have.

Oh, but I suppose suppose that's not much different from anyone else.

I suppose we all speak without knowing what will come of our words.

Once they leave our lips, we lose any control we've had.

Then how about shutting up completely?

Oh, but I'm afraid being unable to control the interpretation of one's words does not release one from the obligation to speak.

Control what you can control and leave the rest to God.

God damn.

No wonder she wants you to shut up.

Yes, it's very frustrating.

Well,

say what you need to say, then.

Release us from the prison you've placed us in, Clementine.

No.

Clementine!

Hey, Frank.

How have you been?

Good, I've been good.

How long has it been?

Oh, I don't know.

About six months, I guess.

Good, that's what I was thinking.

What have you been up to?

Oh, uh, I had some business to take care of

some business, Clementine.

Yeah, that didn't sound right, did it?

Well, it sounds like you were doing something shady.

Were you doing something shady?

Some

things.

Is that better?

I had some things to take care of, so I

hmm.

I took care of them.

Congratulations.

Yeah, I feel.

I feel good about it.

I think things are coming together.

I feel good.

And I don't know.

Suddenly I found myself here.

You feel like celebrating.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I do.

So...

So you came here.

What's going on in there?

Brunch.

Brunch?

Yes.

Brunch is a combination of breakfast and lunch.

It is.

It's nighttime.

Yes, it is, but

this is the sheep's eye.

I don't know what what that means.

The sheep's eye is a bar that prides itself on doing things ass backwards, Clementine.

So they have brunch at night?

They do.

The owner of the sheep's eye is a man with the most ridiculous name in America.

I tell you that because you really need to be prepared before you hear this man's name.

Are you prepared?

I think so.

The owner of the sheep's eye roadhouse is named

TJ Peppercorns.

That can't be his real name.

It can't be.

You're right.

But he insists it is.

And I thought my name sounded made up.

Anyway, TJ does not like being told what to do.

So over the years, there has been more and more people building ski chalets and upscale cabins up on the mountain.

They'll roll into town on a Sunday and just be flabbergasted that there's nowhere to have brunch.

After about the one thousandth request from one of these fur-lined newcomers, TJ finally said, fine, fine, okay.

And now he has brunch

on Sunday night, when all the people he hates are asleep.

He sounds like quite a guy.

So I went by the motel just now.

There was nobody there.

Yes, uh, we're having a staff retreat.

A staff

It

Isn't the staff just you and June?

Yes, I'm having this cigarette

Then I'm coming back in and I'm kicking your ass I'm kicking your ass and I'm kicking your ass get ready.

Hey, I've started up a darts tournament inside.

Okay, we've all bet our pants I will be going home with three pairs of dudes jeans tonight.

Your pants?

I'm going to sling them over my shoulder triumphantly like deer pelts.

Oh shit.

Clementine's here.

Hi June.

It's you.

It's me.

Carmen motherfucking San Diego.

Who?

How have you been?

Clementine was just telling me that she has just taken care of some

business.

Well,

what a lovely Lothia-esque burlance.

Indeed.

Congratulations on your business.

Thanks.

Apparently, Clementine feels like celebrating a little bit.

She does.

Yes.

Is she going to mysteriously disappear after?

Probably.

Come on.

Clementine, you have definitely come to the right place to celebrate.

One problem.

You cannot buy cocktails with gold.

I mean,

it is central Oregon.

Right.

Who am I kidding?

You can totally use gold.

They would love that.

I probably shouldn't drink anything.

What?

Oh, you shouldn't have said that.

What?

I shouldn't.

Well, then, I'm afraid you have stumbled into a bear trap there, Clementine.

Because not only do I excel at winning dudes' pants in dark games, I also excel at irresponsibly pressuring people into drinking.

Oh, God.

Let's the peer pressure begin.

Inside, lady.

Okay.

Did you say so?

I do.

So how's your plan been going?

What do you mean?

Last time we talked, you had a pretty peculiar plan.

Oh, right.

You're never going to lose anything ever again.

Yes.

Whatever that means.

Yes, it's

going good.

I decided to be proactive.

Instead of hanging on to the things I didn't want to lose, I'm trying to get rid of the people that could take things away from me.

Uh-huh.

And how do you know who those people are?

Sometimes you just know, you know?

Not really.

But it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it so who am i to judge i'm not doing anything mean i promise i believe you i'm trying to

i think when people are trying to take something from you they really want something else

it's about something else so what if you help them get the thing they actually want

i guess you'd have to be sure you know what they want

I am.

I'm sure.

Great then.

You sound skeptical.

Clementine, we're having maybe the vaguest conversation I've ever had in my life.

There's no room for me to be skeptical.

Sorry, I know.

It's good.

It's going good.

Great.

Drinks, drinks, drinks.

Oh my god, what are those?

Bloody Marys.

It's brunch, remember?

Do we drink them or eat them?

Much like how brunch is breakfast and lunch, a Bloody Mary is food and a drink.

There's a lot of stuff on it.

The stuff is optional.

The important part is the drink part.

I still don't know if it's a good idea for me to drink.

It's a great idea.

If I start acting weird, stop me, okay?

You already act weird, Clementine.

What's a little more weirdness?

Like, really weird, though.

Hey,

you showed up at a bar wanting to celebrate your wins, right?

Yes.

Well, then, let's do that, Clementine.

It's victory lap time, right?

Okay.

Glasses up, party people.

Cheers.

Oh shit.

Oh wow.

That was really spicy.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

I've never seen someone shotgun a Bloody Mary before.

Are your insides on fire?

They always are.

I feel that.

I hope that wasn't a terrible mistake.

Me too.

I think it's great.

Let me ask you this.

Are you prepared to bet your pants in a darts competition?

I don't think I've ever played darts before.

That's not a no.

June.

How about this?

One more round, and then we decide on pants darts.

Oh, okay.

Excellent.

I'll be like that.

Don't let her bully you, okay?

No, I'm not.

I.

I feel really good.

I'm celebrating, right?

Sure.

God damn it.

What's happening?

They use this jukebox here.

It is so old.

It was part of the Louisiana purchase.

It's so old.

And sometimes it breaks down and I have to mess with it.

I'll be right back.

So it's not solitude you seek, but friendship.

Will you leave me alone?

Considering what we've all witnessed, I'm surprised you must ask anything of me.

With a wave of your hand, you could kill us all.

That's what you said, Clementine.

So, wave your hand.

Annoying me all night isn't going to get you anything.

And I believe I shall stay if it's all the same to you.

I am, of course, also with you out here.

Do I have to break every speaker in this town?

Well, you may certainly try, Clementine, but I've found with such modern-day gadgetry out there, there seems to be a noisemaker in everything, doesn't there?

I'm not going to let you get in my head.

Am I not already?

I'm trying to save people, don't you understand that?

I do not, Clementine, because you refuse to explain yourself to us.

Oh, you an explanation?

Do not keep your motivations hidden, then charge the sky with thunder when you are misunderstood.

You're just looking for something to use against me.

I am looking for understanding.

As a thing that lives and breathes, it is my obligation to understand another.

You are not.

You are not, by any definition, a thing that lives and breathes.

Nor are you, I suspect.

Who are you, Clementine?

Can you not give me some sense of who you are?

I'd believe your curiosity was genuine if you weren't just trying to get your friends out of their prison.

That's more like it.

Once upon a time in ancient Greece, a guy picked up a ball and said, Hey, try and stop me from getting over there.

And thus the sport of football was born.

Today is no different from that day in ancient Greece as we combine two of life's great joys: the game of darts and the thrill of someone losing their pants.

So you can see their incredibly poor underwear choices.

People of the sheep's eye roadhouse, I give you and start.

The rules are simple.

The winner keeps their pants.

Some would say that it is currently too cold outside to risk one's pants in a darts game.

But they are forgetting our long tradition in this town of ignoring common sense.

Our contestants tonight are the queen mom of pants dots, me.

Stepping up to the board, this inaugural game, Quolby Jack.

Where's Quolby Jack?

There he is.

John Bruin is here tonight.

Hello, John.

John is terrible at darts, as we all know.

That either means that John is a good sport, or he really wants to show us his underwear.

D.

Fox is playing.

That's unfortunate for all of us, because if there's anyone here who is free balling tonight, it is D.

Fox.

God help us all.

Last but not least, the weirdest lady I've ever met in my life, which is really saying something in this town.

It's Clementine.

Where's Clementine?

I don't understand why it's called iced tea if there's no iced tea about it.

Clementine, are you ready?

What?

Oh, her.

Okay.

Yeah, I guess.

Love the enthusiasm.

Okay, one more thing.

Gambling is wrong, and we frown on it.

However, Cece Ryder has fired up some side betting over in the corner.

He's taking bets on what style of underwear we're all wearing.

I don't approve, but you degenerates need an outlet, so go nuts.

Frank?

Last chance, Frank?

Absolutely not.

Frank is still being a stick in the mud.

Everyone, boo this man.

Frank is the enemy of fun.

It's what we love about him.

Okay, let's get this thing going.

Clementine?

We're starting with you.

We are?

Yeah, Clementine, you've disappeared on us more times than a magician's assistant.

I'm getting you up there before you go poof again.

Okay.

How do I play?

It's darts.

I've never played darts before.

Not surprising.

Okay, take these pointy things.

Okay.

Throw the pointy things at the big circle.

Try to hit the middle.

Okay, seems easy enough.

Sure.

Okay, people, here we go.

Take it away, Clementine.

Why did it get so quiet all of a sudden?

It's a small town.

People taking their pants off is big news.

Okay.

Okay, here I go.

Holy shit, bullvy.

Was that good?

Fantastic!

Do that two more times.

You can be the owner of other people's pants.

I really don't want their pants, though.

The point is not for you to have their pants.

The point is for them to not have their pants.

Okay, whatever.

Here I go.

Holy shit, another bullseye!

Oh, they don't seem too happy about that one.

Well, a few of them are facing the fact they might have to take their pants off.

And then a few others, I'm not going to lie, they're probably a little upset that you're not going to be taking your pants off tonight.

Oh, it's okay.

They made their bed.

Hey, you're great at darts.

I didn't even know.

Okay, one more,

and you will be very hard to beat tonight.

Think you can get one more bullseye?

I'll try.

Okay, here we go.

Quiet burves.

Okay.

One

more

bullseye.

Oh, shit.

You missed the board.

Where'd it go?

Anybody get hit by a dart?

Shit.

No?

Where'd it go?

Everybody look around for the missing dart.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

There's like three guys in here with fake legs.

Can all the fake leg people check their legs for darts?

I'm going to go look over there.

Okay.

Fuck.

Keep it together.

Don't see too many people keeping a radio in the bathroom anymore.

You're invading my privacy.

Which I wouldn't do were our predicament not so dire, Clementine.

Though

someone who invades the past lives of my compatriots and then cries for privacy is perhaps a bit too much for polite conversation to bear.

That's what we're doing.

Having polite conversation.

It's being attempted, at least.

You can't have polite conversation when you so obviously have an agenda.

Clementine,

I am from the south.

There is no polite conversation without hidden hidden agendas.

And where are you from?

I'm not doing this.

I am from Arkansas.

Was born in my parents' bedroom in the year 1895, five years before the century's turn.

I don't care.

My father was a farmer at first.

Then, after a strange turn of events, moved his talents to hog farming.

Perhaps a more grim profession, but far more lucrative.

A strange turn of events.

Indeed.

Torrential downpour one year, unlike anything he'd seen.

Good news for a farmer when a wet season precedes the spring, and yet, for some odd reason, his crops that year were poorly, and he had hardly anything to take to market.

That put him in dire straits.

Not one to hesitate, he purchased two dozen hogs with his savings, and that was that.

Hogs are hogs, despite the rainfall, he said.

Those rains taught him a lesson, though, that a curse can be dressed as a blessing.

What did he grow?

Pole beans, mostly, and sweet peas.

What the hell are you?

I've never seen anything like you before.

You just

show up in speakers.

It's certainly an odd way to exist, but we each take the life we're given.

And that's enough for you.

If I were to travel down the path of solving the mystery of myself, how far down that trail could I go?

How far could anyone go?

The Lord has given us a great mystery by giving us this existence.

Were we meant to unravel it?

Perhaps being given this life is more akin to being given a

musical instrument as a gift.

You learn more, become more skilled as the years go by, but in a lifetime you could never master it.

I can't believe you think that's an answer to my question.

If you're unsatisfied, just think how I feel.

I do not know what I am, Clementine.

I have come to think of it as

imagine shouting your name into a canyon, and then after a moment, your voice comes back to you from the other side of the canyon.

But the echo doesn't stop there, it continues to travel down the canyon, saying your name over and over again.

And then, in a strange moment, that echo of your voice somehow finds a voice of its own.

It begins life as an echo of another, but then comes to grow into a new being entirely, with thoughts and feelings independent of the one who once shouted its existence into that canyon.

Now what brings you to this old roadhouse?

Are these people your friends?

They

yes, they are.

Good.

Good to have friends.

It is.

Are we hiding from something in here, Clementine?

The dart disappeared when I threw it.

It happens sometimes.

And that brought you here.

Why?

So that I could concentrate.

You're not helping.

The rain made the soil too acidic.

That's what happened to your father.

As soon as the rain got to be too much, he should have switched over to potatoes.

You are a farmer.

I have no idea what I am.

As I said, that is a feeling I understand.

Tell me more.

Enough!

Come on, Dart.

Come back to me.

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Here, okay.

We're fine.

Found it.

Okay, call up the search.

We found it.

Okay, dummies, Clementine may have missed her last shot, but two bullseyes in a row is very hard to beat.

Let's hear it for Clementine.

Thanks, everyone.

D Fox is playing.

That's unfortunate for all of us because if there's anyone here who is free balling tonight, it is D.

Fox.

God help us all.

Last but not least, the weirdest lady I've ever met in my life, which is really saying something in this town.

It's Clementine.

Where's Clementine?

Clementine?

Fuck, fuck.

Clementine, where are you going?

You fucking idiot.

You fucking idiot.

What are you doing?

Clementine, what just happened?

Shut up.

Just shut up.

I am fearful of you, Clementine.

Before, it was due to your immeasurable power.

But now, even more frightening,

I don't believe that you are able to control this power you wield.

No, I'm in control.

Very well.

Your friends seem to be fond of games.

So let us play our own.

Fine.

This evening will go terribly wrong.

Despite all this power you have,

it will escape your control.

That's not a game, that's just you being a pessimist.

Call it what you like.

None of this is a game to me.

I'm trying to save people.

Then,

in the name of God,

go back to where you came from and use this power of yours to save them.

I can't.

Why?

Because I can't get back to them.

I can go anywhere, do anything.

Everything but that, I can't get back to them.

I don't know why.

So, this is how I save them.

This is how it has to be.

Clementine?

Hey, hi.

Did you just hear some thunder?

Yeah.

Yeah, is that weird?

It doesn't happen here a lot.

You okay?

Sorry, I felt really

trapped in there all of a sudden.

No, I get it.

It smells in there.

There is a smell.

I told you I shouldn't be drinking.

There's a very short list of people in the world who should be drinking.

None of them are in there.

June's mom is one of them.

Also, any Lutheran.

Hey, do you want to help me out?

With what?

The ice machine is having a little temper tantrum.

We need to go across the street and get some bags of ice.

Okay, sure.

Fresh air will be good.

Yeah.

Breathe in the mountain air.

That's a stupid term.

Mountain air.

Mountain air is thinner and not refreshing at all.

Some people rush up here from the city to have a nice, relaxing time and end up with altitude lassitude and start vomiting.

So

do I breathe it in or do I not breathe it in?

It's your only option.

Though, maybe not for you.

You did tell me a while back that you caught a hunk of gold as it escaped a star going supernova, so

maybe you don't need oxygen.

Yeah, I did say that, didn't I?

It's kind of strange being able to handle the void of space, but not being able to handle your liquor.

Yeah, I don't really understand it either.

It makes a certain sense.

Superman had kryptonite, green lantern had the color yellow, and you have old granddad whiskey.

Can we stay away from things that make me sound insane?

Sure.

That eliminates a lot of things, doesn't it?

It really does.

Flat Doug!

How's it going tonight?

Flat Doug.

Why do you call him Flat Doug?

He was run over by a snowplow.

Wow.

Twice.

Twice.

Yeah, so he's either a weird blend of lucky and unlucky, or he's a ghost.

He doesn't look like a ghost.

I don't know.

He has a look about him like he's seen things, like he's seen the other side.

He's definitely seen the other side of a snowplow.

And now, a reading from the book of Luke.

And he came to Nazareth, where he had been as a boy.

And he went to the house.

What is he listening?

Can you hear that?

This flat dog found Jesus.

Getting ready for that third snowplow, I guess.

Can you grab those two bites?

Yeah.

I'll be out in the parking lot, okay?

Sure.

The spirit of the Lord is upon me

because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.

Stop it.

I beg your pardon.

Leave me alone.

If we could have left you alone, we would have done so long ago, Clementine.

You want to be free so bad?

Tell your friends to accept the deal.

That's how this ends.

Okay, ready?

Yes.

Ready?

Where am I?

You're walking down the sidewalk.

I mean, what's this town?

Oh, okay.

Uh, Hood's Pocket.

That's a funny name.

It's a funny town.

Up there is Mount Hood.

The town sits in just the right place so that it hardly ever gets direct sunlight.

It's in the shadow of the mountain most of the year.

Hood's Pocket.

That's kind of depressing.

It has kept us from being a major tourist destination, which is nice.

I keep coming back here.

Yes, you do.

There was only one place I ever felt safe.

This place turned into another one.

It's not a bad place to be.

What was the other place?

Jerusalem.

Sure.

Right, so

Jerusalem and then here?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, great.

God, everything that comes out of my mouth sounds like a crazy lie, doesn't it?

Yes.

But I mean that in a good way.

How?

Honestly, there's a lot of people living here who are.

I'm sorry for putting it this way, but they're full of shit really yeah

I was just telling you about TJ Peppercorns and June used to date a guy named Tarvok Stormbringer you think that was what his parents named him

ask me what the mayor's name is what's the mayor's name sparker

sparker it's a dog Clementine the mayor is a dog

the

a dog?

We had an election, and we all decided that the mayor will be a dog named Sparker.

How?

The town is too small to have a mayor, but we felt left out, so we had an election.

And you elected Sparker the dog?

Well, everybody knew him, so

has he been a good mayor?

Oh, yeah, really great.

I mean, he's really cleaning up this town.

At least the parts of town that have food on the floor.

How does he sign bills?

Don't think about it too much.

You'll ruin it.

What I'm trying to say is: it's very entertaining.

The Clementine Show.

Come on, keep it coming.

It'll feel great.

If I think everything you say is a lie, then let it rip.

What have you got to lose?

Okay, sure.

For a while, my entire life revolved around growing and taking care of beets.

Really?

Yes.

Did you live on a farm or something?

Or something.

I feel like that's one of the more boring ones.

You're right.

Um,

one time I met Abraham Lincoln while pretending to be the ambassador from Luxembourg.

There we go.

That's the good stuff.

I did the accent and everything.

Watch.

Um.

We are a nation created by disagreement.

The Belgians, the Germans, the French.

They'll insist we belong to them.

When they are unable to agree, we were suddenly left to our own devices.

And now I stand before you.

Wow.

Good, right?

I am transported.

Where is Luxembourg?

Honestly, I don't even know.

I was winging it.

I was calling myself Countess Shakeda of Luxembourg, then someone told me that she had actually died 400 years ago.

Oops.

Who is that?

Countess Shaketta, no idea.

No, I mean, someone found you out.

Who was that?

Oh.

Um.

Casper.

Who was Casper?

Just

there were some people who didn't like what I was doing.

They were telling me to stop.

He was one of them.

Why were they telling you to stop?

They just didn't get it.

We're getting vague again, Clementine.

I told you about my plan.

To never lose anything ever again.

Yes.

Which is also pretty vague.

There's more to it than that.

I hope so.

They didn't like it.

They said I was.

They didn't like it.

They said you were what?

That I was hurting people.

Hurting people?

I wasn't, though.

I'm not.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

How about we get less vague with this plan of yours?

Don't worry about it.

I'm worried about it.

I'm not hurting anyone, Frank.

Clementine, I've been pretty understanding of your particular brand of chaos.

Have I not?

Understanding?

Yes.

You show up randomly and nothing ever makes sense and we roll with it.

But now you're talking about hurting people.

So I'm going to need you to be more specific.

People just don't understand.

They didn't understand me.

Did you try and make them understand?

What do you mean?

Did you explain things to them?

Maybe, I don't know.

Why not?

I don't know.

Some people avoid an argument because they're afraid of hearing something they don't want to hear.

Maybe I don't want to hear it.

That's not very fair to them, Clementine.

Jesus, Frank, just go away!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, Frank.

Frank, where did you go, Frank?

Shit.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Just breathe.

breathe clementine shut up clementine what have you done shut up

you have destroyed this man no i haven't

no i i haven't i can fix it can you not see now what a danger you are no i'm not

this must stop I have tried to be patient and tried to reach out to you, but first you must stop all of this.

Stop distracting me.

I'm going to fix it.

Time is the substance I am made of.

Time is a rivers that sweeps me along, but I am the river.

It is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger.

It is a fire which consumes me.

But I am the fire.

Some people rush up here from the city to have a nice, relaxing time and end up with altitude lassitude and start vomiting.

Oh.

Hey.

Hi, Frank.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Everything's fine.

Okay.

Okay.

Clementine, what's going on?

Well, hi there.

Hi, June.

Sorry to interrupt.

But you're missing an epic game of Pants in here.

We got the ice.

We.

Oh, we did.

Great.

Take it around back.

Leave it by the back door.

Okay.

Hey, let's have another drink.

That's the spirit.

Get in here, lady.

I'll be right there.

Hello there, young man.

Hi.

What's all this then, Gabner?

Excuse me.

Having a moment, are we?

June.

Having intimate moments in the street.

It wasn't an intimate moment.

I was talking about altitude lassitude, and she suddenly hugged me.

Oh, the old altitude lassitude trick, huh?

That's not a thing.

I'll say this once, and then never again.

No way that's possible.

You are coming dangerously close to getting water on the Magwai, my friend.

No, I'm not.

Frank, you dummy.

She's already done the tried and true.

Hey, can I stay here tonight maneuver?

Now there's hugging in the street.

Those are not maneuvers.

I invented those maneuvers.

They are in the Hall of Fame, those maneuvers.

You're overreacting.

Frank, that woman is a hoot, but she's an emotional, super fun site.

You know this.

I do know this.

You know this?

I know this.

We're agreed then.

We're agreed, June.

Good.

Then I adjourn this meeting.

Meeting adjourned.

Hey,

there are people taking off their pants that are not participating in pants.

Do not buddy the water.

it is clear to me now.

What's clear to you now?

You cannot stop yourself.

You will not listen to reason.

You will not acknowledge the pain you cause.

You must be stopped.

Fine.

Take your best shot.

Personally, I'm glad we're past the listening to reason phase.

Now we can just be good old-fashioned enemies.

And as your enemy,

I will now say this.

If I hear your voice come out of a box one more time,

I will come there and drag you all kicking and screaming into the life I have designed for you, or I will drag you kicking and screaming into your graves.

Thanks for the chat.

I have

I have won all of the pants.

Congratulations.

I am the Alexandria great of pants.

I leave in my wake nothing but the pantsless masses.

Look upon my work, ye pantsless and despair.

What do you do with all the pants now that you have won all the pants?

I will weave them

into a tapestry to commemorate my victory.

Why are you talking, Bunny?

Totally makes sense that you dated a blacksmith now.

Where's my chariot?

Parked over there.

Oh my god, Frank!

That's too far away.

Can you blow the drugger out?

Nope.

You're a terrible human.

We're not getting out of Dodger Stadium.

You'll be fine.

Hey, Frank.

I am June the Pantslayer.

Show them you're still a woman of the people by walking a thousand feet to the car.

Fine.

Hey, you two.

Um.

I just wanted to say,

thanks for letting me hang out with you tonight.

I had a really great time.

I kind of forgot what having a great time was like.

Of course.

You big weirdo.

Any time.

Are you staying at the horizon tonight, Clementine?

Oh,

let's all stay there together, sleep over.

Sure.

Okay, same room as last time.

Okay.

Uh, you know what, Clementine?

You should stay for a while.

Hang out.

Put down some roots.

enough of the enough of this.

The lady vanishes bullshit.

I think you like it here.

I do like it here.

I know you think you're too weird, but everybody who lives here is weird.

Did Frank tell you about the dog mare?

Yes.

Our mare is a dog.

So you're fine.

It's tempting.

Let's go.

Look, just try and imagine a universe where you live here, that's all.

You'd be surprised.

Let's go.

Relax!

I'd be surprised.

Time is the substance I am made of.

Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river.

It is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger.

It is a fire which consumes me.

But I am the fire.

It's done.

Hey, the papers are signed.

What papers?

What do you mean, what papers?

Sorry, I.

I forgot what we were doing here.

The Clementine.

Today is the day I signed the papers.

I am now the owner of the Sheep's Eye Roadhouse.

Oh my God.

What did you think we were doing here?

Sorry, I forgot.

I, um,

I thought it was tomorrow.

Today, Clementine.

I am now a business owner.

Congratulate me.

Congratulations.

You're such a space cadet.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Where's Frank?

Is he still at our place?

Our place?

Ah!

What is wrong with you today?

He was over at our place, fixing the washing machine.

Oh, um...

I haven't seen him yet.

He said he was going to text you.

He did?

Check your phone.

My phone.

Oh,

it's right here.

It's my phone.

There's a text from him.

It says he's on his way.

Great.

I am excited about this next part.

What's the next part?

Anytime you start a business in town, you go to the butcher, you buy a beef bone, and then you offer the beef bone to our dog mayor as a gesture of goodwill.

You're going to bribe the dog mayor?

That's life in the big city, Clementine.

Is the deal done?

Has it happened?

It's happened.

I am the new TJ Peppercorns.

Oh, you have to take the name too, like the dread pirate Roberts.

Please call me Baroness Peppercorns.

I can't believe you own the sheep's eye now.

It's a very ill-advised move, but no more ill-advised than me taking over the horizon.

It's a town full of bad choices.

Let's feel left out.

We've got the motel and the roadhouse.

Now Clementine needs to buy something.

Oh, that's true, Clementine.

What local business are you going to buy now?

Oh, um.

Let's see.

What is that one?

Trinket Coralie's new moon emporium.

Whoa.

Going after the local mystic, you might get cursed for that.

That's a problem easily solved by a witch trial.

This is.

This is good.

I like it here.

Sure.

So do we, Clementine?

So we're celebrating, right?

After the butcher?

Yes.

Remind me to get some ribs while we're there.

Clementine, your phone.

Oh, that's me.

Okay, let's see who it...

Who is it?

Clementine?

It's...

It's my, um...

It says mom, right.

She's coming for a visit, right?

She's what?

For her birthday, right?

Her.

No, what?

I.

I can't.

I can't do it.

Come on.

We love your mom.

Pick up the phone.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't leave you out there.

I won't.

Greetings to all who can hear my voice.

Let the chimes of freedom ring through the halls of every home.

Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

God damn it.

God damn it.

of the princeland heart

as she dreamily stood on the marble step

and lean on the following ball.

Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Siobhan Delilah Rose, Dan Bowman, Casper's number one fan, Stu, Nan McVicker, Rusty Accord, A Bug Named Nat, Colby Jack, Sparker, Daniel L., Mitzi Lou, Life is Liminal, The Art Sherpa, G.

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Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

I feel good about it, I think.

I think things are coming.

Fuck, here we go.

Oh, recording.

Blow on it.

Like a Nintendo cartridge.

Get the dust off of the duck hunt or whatever we're playing.

I fucking loved duck hunt.

Y'all, it was great.

Well, I'm rolling, motherfuckers.

It's not a hotel.

Standby.

No, it isn't.

Okay, let's try that again.

It's Panstart's rules.

We don't know what's happening.

Okay, dubbies.

Clementine may have missed her last shot, but two bull-eyes.

It's so sweaty in here.

Okay.

Real fast, I meant to ask, how drunk do you want her?

Just drunk enough?

Drunk girl at the bar who doesn't pick up on the social cues.

Great.

Just my life.

Great.

Sounds great.

The wheels are starting to come off.

Like having an audience for your nervous breakdown.

Hello.

Enough of this lady vanishes bullshit.

Except that I stumbled on the fucking word at the heat of the moment.

So

it's fine.

We're gonna do it again.

Great.

So many grunts and screams to choose from.

That's that's like the old school when you tape over something in a VCR, like you taped over your mom's favorite episode of Days of Our Lives or something.

Games.

I also excel at irresponsibly thin.

I'll do it again.

Irresponsibly.

Can I do it drunk, Joe?

Like, well, I'm afraid of someone in the bear chop there, Clown Tine.

Okay, here, we'll do it again.

Been recording all this time.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, bop.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to equal it.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.