Chapter 26: Brunch.

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Previously on Midnight Burger, Joe didn't have COVID, but now

they're coming right out of it.

It's gonna be fine, kids, but seriously, get a booster shot, and then get a booster shot for your booster shot, and then a booster shot for that booster shot, shots on shots, on shots.

We need to stop this woman.

I know.

It's been well established that Clementine is problemo numero uno, but the kids have made themselves a plan.

It's a trap.

Theoretically, if we can keep Clementine here for a while, we may be able to throw water on the the witch.

I want to trap her here.

Wow.

I really hate this idea.

Before we make a time crystal, we're going to have to make a quantum computer from scratch.

And then we had a nice day.

Casper's mom stopped by.

You're good at this.

Do you have a kid?

Casper's other mom stopped by.

How's it going out here?

You're kinda creeping me out, man.

I know.

Ava's mom stopped by.

Excuse me, idiot.

It was like a barbecue.

Guess what?

It's a trap.

Gloria, we are being snared in some sort of a deadfall.

What are you talking about?

Clementine crashes the party and just makes things so not a party.

I could snap my fingers and kill you.

But I'm not here to do that.

I'm not here to take anything.

I'm here to give you something.

A world where Lafe didn't throw everything away.

A world where every scientist in the world listens to Dr.

Ava Maddox.

I can give you your son back, Casper.

And you, Gloria.

Should we say a world where one night your parents cruised right through that intersection and there was no drunk driver to be found?

I'm gonna put you somewhere for a while.

Give you some time to think.

I'll come and get you when I feel like you're ready.

I recommend you all figure out how to say yes to me.

You don't want to see the alternative.

Congratulations, Clementine.

You have made us actually miss the Teds.

Let's start the shift.

Oh, I'm going down the road of feeling bad.

Oh, I'm going down the road of feeling bad.

Oh, I'm going down the road of feeling bad.

ain't gonna be tweeted this away.

Leave what have you seen Casper?

No,

great.

God damn it.

We've got another one, Muckle Waynes.

Lord.

These people just do not stop.

Gloria?

Oh, what is it, Labe?

We've got another one.

Great.

Great.

Start up the steamer trays, alright?

Yeah.

Ava's out here, too.

Ava.

What is it?

I can't find Casper.

I'm sure he's around.

I don't see him anywhere.

He's been going off on his own.

In between shifts, I'm sure he'll be back.

I've looked in all his hiding places.

I don't see him anywhere.

Ava, I'm sure he'll be back.

Relax.

How many people do we have late?

It's like a full boat again.

Great.

Let's get going.

I'm gonna go check for him one more time.

Ava, the reason why Casper is going off on his own between shifts is because you won't leave him alone.

Well, I don't understand that, so I'm choosing to ignore it.

Okay, good luck then.

Morning, Muckawains.

Morning to you, Gloria.

We seem to have yet another ship full of visitors approaching.

Yeah, they don't seem to let up, do they?

I'm still a bit confused by this ritual.

It's a combination of breakfast and lunch.

It started because people wanted to get together either after church or before their hangover wore off.

How do these people get anything done for the rest of the day after drinking fancy champagne in the late morning?

They don't.

Effie, do you have any more feelings about where we are?

No, Gloria.

It's all the same feelings.

We have been put in a place of punishment.

Though, I hardly see how it's such a punishment.

Trust me, it is.

Clementine put us in the ultimate place of punishment for a restaurant.

A never-ending brunch.

Right this way, everyone.

My group, this way.

Everyone, take a seat anywhere.

There are booths, tables, and stools here.

Please stay away from that booth over there, the one with all the books and things on it, okay?

Thank you.

Hi, Gloria.

Hey, Quinn.

Another big group.

It is.

I remembered about that one booth this time, did you notice?

I saw, thank you.

I'll start bringing out some food soon.

Hi, Laif.

Hey, Quinn.

Okay, everyone.

Who wants champagne?

Good morning to all.

I'm Zebulon Mucklewain, here with my wife, Effie.

Hi, y'all.

Let us begin this glorious morning with equally glorious noise.

Here is the Shannon Quartet with Christ arose.

I love your AI so much.

It's got so much personality.

We like it.

And where is the music from again?

Earth.

Weird.

Never heard of it.

Okay, everyone.

I hope you're enjoying your champagne.

We're going to have some food, and then after that, we're going to leave for our first aerial tour of this mysterious and wondrous planet.

Champagne for you, Quinn?

Ooh, thank you, Wave.

Everyone, while we're waiting for food, do take a look at the tour information I just sent to your dads.

It has all we've been able to learn about this mysterious, uncharted place we find ourselves in.

I know Clementine meant this to be a punishment, but at least the people are nice.

Quinn be speaking our language, but never have heard of our homeland?

It's weird, right?

I'm assuming we're pretty far in the relative future right now.

In my day, English got adopted across a few galaxies because they liked watching our television so much.

I guess we're so far in the future that Earth's been forgotten, but our language still survives somehow.

How could our world in its entirety be forgotten?

People always forget more than they remember.

I guess that could apply to a whole damn planet.

He's not by those trees back there.

I'm gonna go check by the water's edge.

I've seen him there a few times.

Ava, you really need to give him some space.

Really?

I should give him just enough space to do something stupid.

Are we talking about the same guy?

Ava,

Jesus.

Just let her burn herself out.

Casper will be back soon, and then she'll relax.

I mean, she won't relax.

She'll keep hounding him, but she'll leave us alone at least.

I know.

And while we're on the subject, Gloria, I know, I feel that we are speaking quite often of the purgatory we find ourselves in,

and not the reason we've been placed here.

It wouldn't have made sense for us to jump right into it, Zeb.

I agree, Gloria.

Clementine has challenged us as Satan challenged Christ in the desert.

The temptations she presented are very real, and each should be confronted in our own way.

I don't think Clementine is Satan, said Yelan.

She certainly is not,

but neither are any of us Christs.

When Casper's ready to talk about it, we'll all talk about it, okay?

Understood.

Yeah, I believe that's fair.

Okay,

Leif, can you help me make one million scrambled eggs, please?

Yeah, sure.

Dear?

Yes, dear.

I believe it's time.

I don't approve of this plan, Zebulon.

And there are parts of myself that do not approve of it either.

But our friends are in a bad way.

And if there is anything I can do to shake us loose from this particular spider's web, then I feel I must.

Very well, dearest.

Go with God

and go with my love.

As I always do.

What do you suppose their fascination is with this planet?

If you look out over the bay, you can see the ruins of

something.

There was a big city here a long time ago, but it looks like they have no record of it.

People like lost civilizations.

They like the mystery.

Everyone can come here and drink champagne and be amateur archaeologists, take a tour of the ruins.

I don't get it.

Drinking champagne and looking at ruins is basically the entire economy of Greece.

Just imagine that on a planetary scale.

What do you think happened to the people who lived here?

Could be anything.

Plague, war?

Hell, it could have just been the slightest change in their son's behavior that wiped them out.

And you still have no idea where we are?

No.

I thought I would try and triangulate our position using constellations, but the cloud cover in this place is constant.

I can't get a good look.

We need to have a meeting before the meeting.

What do you mean?

Casper is going to come back at some point, and we're all going to have to have a big talk.

But I think we need to talk before we talk.

Okay.

Let's do it.

You've been making plans, haven't you?

Maybe.

A little bit.

What have you got?

Not much.

But I know Clementine can't keep us here forever.

How do you know?

If she could keep us here forever, then she would just keep us here forever.

We'd be done.

But instead, she made us all an offer.

Tried to buy us off.

Interesting.

I think eventually, the diner's going to figure out a way to slither out of this trap she put us in.

She'll just find us again.

And the question is,

what can we do between the diner escaping and her finding us again?

And what can we do?

We can hope that we have enough time for me to build a quantum computer.

I build the computer, fabricate the time crystal, and then we can trap her.

And then we're trapped inside the diner with the murderous supervillain.

Yeah.

I'm working on that too.

Well, it's thin, but it's something.

That's what I keep telling myself.

How do you think she's able to do all of this?

I tried asking Ava, but she started saying things that didn't even sound like words.

I don't know.

And I don't care.

That's the difference between Ava and me.

A long time ago, at the edge of a map, there would just be an arrow and some calligraphy saying, Here be dragons.

A guy like me sees that and thinks, well, fuck that.

I'm not going over there.

There's a dragon over there.

The world is big enough.

Someone like Ava needs to see the dragon.

Warnings are advertisements to her.

Even if it means getting eaten by a dragon?

Yeah.

Even if that.

Clementine made us an offer, Life.

I know.

I want you to know that I wouldn't judge you if Gloria, fuck her offer.

Maybe this decision is easier for me than it is for all of you, but I know what my answer is.

This place changed me.

You, Effie, Zebulon, Casper, Ava, all the people we've met.

I'm different now.

And she offers to send me back to before all that happened?

Fuck that.

Thank you, Life.

I've been in worse spots than this.

You have?

Yeah.

We'll be alright.

Okay.

Then I guess we just wait for Casper while you keep making plans.

Sounds good.

Take this tray of scrambled eggs out there, okay?

Yeah.

Gloria?

What?

The radio's gone.

It is?

Yeah.

Hey, Quinn.

Hey, what's up?

Our radio is gone.

Oh, yeah.

That guy took it, the one that never talks.

Casper?

That's it.

Casper took the radio?

Yes.

What is he doing?

He's not down by the water.

He's not under the tree.

He's not anywhere.

He's gone.

He can't just vaporize, Ava.

How do we know that?

Maybe he clicked his heels together three times and Clementine whisked him away back to camp.

We don't know how it works.

Well, whatever it is, he took the radio.

Why did he take the radio?

He's never done that before.

Relax.

I'm sure he's around here somewhere.

Stop saying that.

I'm sorry.

Should I have said something?

Go sell someone a timeshare.

What's a timeshare?

Quinn, give us a minute, okay?

Sure.

We have to be a united front.

Clementine made her little offer, and if Casper takes the offer, then the two of you are gonna fold like a card table.

I know it.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

And then it's all over.

Then what?

Casper is caving.

I can feel it.

We have to find him.

He may surprise you, Ava.

That man has never surprised me.

He's as predictable as a romp.

Ava, I know you don't want Casper to go.

This isn't about him.

It's not.

It's not about him.

It's about everything.

He can't cave.

It's all over if he caves.

It's not about him.

Fine.

It's not about him.

What do you want us to do?

I want everyone to agree with me.

No, we're not going to do that.

Look.

I've known Casper longer than any of you.

He's not a rom-com.

He can surprise you.

So that's it?

We're just gonna wait patiently while the whole thing unravels?

The whole thing is not unraveling.

Maybe we should trust him.

Oh, oh, should we?

He loaded me into a tin can and shoved me into deep space.

You want me to trust that guy?

Yes.

No.

Ava, how about some empathy?

No.

We can't know what it's like to get an offer like this.

It's probably fucked him up pretty bad.

It's fucked me up pretty bad.

But you're still here and he's not.

You want us to form a search party?

Why did he take the radio?

We don't know.

The radio where?

Ava.

I can't believe you two are just sitting here.

Ava, maybe he took the radio because he wanted to talk to someone who wasn't constantly hounding him.

You're upset he's gone?

He's gone because of you.

Maybe if you relax, he'll feel comfortable coming back.

Don't give me that Zen master crap.

Fine, how about this?

Go back to your fucking booth and stop annoying the shit out of everyone.

You're not helping.

You're making it worse.

This is a mistake.

Okay.

I've got some aerial drones now.

You want me to just search the area?

No.

Us finding him isn't going to change anything.

He's going through something and he needs some space.

Sometimes you need some space and

sometimes you need someone to come find you.

Ava's found him about 20 times now.

Sometimes you need the right person to find you.

Well, we don't know where he is anyway.

Where would you go?

Um

right.

Give me one of those puffy jackets.

Junk cook, stop it.

Still hard to believe all this exists right under our noses.

You suppose it's always like this, or is there a springtime?

Ava explained at one point that this land is in an eternal December, but the words she used were of the sort that made me want to quickly think about something else.

We'll never want for a Christmas tree, will we?

We should really do ourselves a favor with Christmas this year, shouldn't we?

Doesn't that sound nice, Casper?

Effie, I brought you down here with me for some comfort, but you've just given me more to worry about.

Zeppelin will be along.

No need to worry.

Where did he go again?

He has

decided to seclude himself in prayer.

Seclude himself in prayer.

That's what I just said.

I don't know what that means.

He's praying, Casper.

He is praying,

and he's secluded.

Has he ever done this before?

I don't remember him ever doing this before.

Well, we've never been stuck in this particular patch of mud before, have we, Casper?

Zebulon is convinced that reaching out in prayer is the best way forward.

I don't like it.

And you're so full of good ideas.

Can we get back to the matter at hand?

What was the matter at hand?

Christmas.

Right.

We've never had a proper Christmas day, and here we are sitting right on top of a snowy wonderland.

Hard to know when it is.

I suppose.

Perhaps, considering our situation, we should choose a day.

Let me know what you decide.

I need enough time to shop.

You should have had this idea back at the mall.

Jump cook, goddammit!

Don't yell at him.

Oh!

Hey there, Gloria.

He's just trying to get your attention.

He's getting my attention by annoying me.

He doesn't care how he gets your attention.

He just wants it.

Apologize to Junk Cook.

Apologize.

I'm sorry, Joan Cook.

Thank you.

You know how to make a campfire?

Effie had to talk me through it.

City folk.

What's going on down here?

Effie's just now realizing that we really never do Christmas.

Oh, and by the way, Zebulon's gone.

What?

Not to worry, Gloria.

Don't let Casper get you all wound up.

Zebulon is just off praying.

He feels it may help us in our endeavors.

This is the wrong day for unexpected changes, Effie.

I know that it is, Gloria, but worry not.

He's just off praying?

That

he is

fine.

I have never had this much trouble getting folks to talk about Christmas.

How the hell are we supposed to know what day it is?

We can't just pick a Christmas.

This is what I said.

We're just gonna pick one.

Let's not get bound up in particulars.

Okay, but I want us to put on a production of a Christmas carol.

That's my demand.

Oh, well, that sounds delightful.

I can assure you that Zebulon will want to play Mr.

Fezziwig.

I got dibs on Jacob Marley.

I want to rattle some chains around.

Let me guess, I'm supposed to play Scrooge.

No, Ava's playing Scrooge.

Agreed.

Who am I then?

The ghost of Christmas past.

I imagine we could both play that role pretty well right now.

Yeah.

You know, while you were gone, Leif fixed the door.

Really?

Yeah, it no longer takes two days to get back home.

Can't seem to catch a break, can I?

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want to abandon you during the endless brunch, but I had to get away from Ava for a second.

I understand.

And I guess you've come down here to get me to stop avoiding the elephant in the room.

No, Casper.

I was doing the same thing.

We were both avoiding it.

You went and hid somewhere, and I buried myself in this endless brunch that's going on up there.

We were doing the same thing in different ways.

Does that mean we're done avoiding it?

Yes.

Great.

With a wave of my hand, I could kill you all.

That's what she said.

I have a very clear memory of that moment.

Why this, then?

Why did she do this to us?

I don't know.

Because death is not defeat.

And she needs to defeat us.

I feel pretty defeated.

Feeling down on yourself isn't defeat, Casper.

This woman is tearing a path through all creation with reckless abandon, but she ain't stupid.

Somewhere deep down, she knows she's wrong, and she's desperate for someone to tell her she isn't.

And then here we come, telling her to stop, adding to the doubt she feels.

If she were to wave that mighty hand and send us to the great beyond, our voices would still be in her head.

The only way to get the voices out is to change our minds.

Get us to come over to her side.

However, before I get too far down on that particular path of righteousness, I should say another thing.

Zebulon and I love you both very much.

We can get to these places in our lives where we feel as though there's no escape.

Places we inhabit out of obligation and duty, or fear and anger.

We find ourselves trapped because we're afraid of what others will say or how they'll judge us should we leave.

A promise should not be a prison.

It does a great disservice to yourself and to those you have promised to.

It becomes dishonest.

It's important to keep your promises, Effie.

Yes, I.

Well,

I'm not certain of that, Casper.

What do you mean?

It depends on the promise, doesn't it?

Before his conversion, the Apostle Paul had sworn to persecute Christians and drive them from their faith.

When the Lord appeared to Paul and he experienced his great conversion on that road to Damascus, should he have kept his promise to persecute those he now cared for?

Was the promise to be kept then?

What I mean to say to the both of you is that we do not feel we are owed anything from you,

and we wish for you both to travel the path you feel God has intended for you.

We're not taking the deal, Effie.

Oh,

thank the Lord.

You can relax.

How do you know I'm not taking the deal?

Because you wouldn't.

All this moping and hiding you're doing is because you know you won't take the deal.

And it really sucks.

It does.

The entire time we've been stuck here, I feel like I've been run over by a truck.

And the Teds threatened to freeze me in a block of chemical ice, but for some reason this was worse.

It shouldn't be.

I mean...

Looked at in the right light, Clementine is actually trying to do something nice for us.

Something impossibly kind, something anyone would be grateful for, but

it doesn't feel that way.

Casper, what she did was terrible and evil.

There's nothing kind about it.

It took years before I was over the death of my parents.

Years.

And still to this day, every once in a while, I'm back at square one like I lost them yesterday.

I had to read books about about it, and they were not good books.

People try and sell you the stages of grief like it's a video game, like you're unlocking achievements or something.

That's not how it is.

One day it's stage three, one day it's stage five.

After months at stage five, you wake up one morning back at stage one.

It's a state of being, not a process.

All of that work I had to do to get over it

started at one place:

acceptance.

They were gone, and there was nothing I could do about it.

She took that away from me.

I'm still never going to see my parents again, but in making this offer to us, she made that my fault.

She made it my choice.

It's a horrible thing to do to someone.

God, that really is true.

Which is why, when we finally catch up to this woman,

and we will catch up to this woman,

I'm going to punch her right in the boo.

Wow, you heard me.

Things are getting serious.

That's right.

Mark my words.

I support you in your endeavors, Gloria.

Let's not tell Zebulon.

Thank you for being miserable, Casper.

Why are you thanking me?

Because Leif and Ava sailed through this pretty easily.

I'm glad it ruined someone else, too.

Gloria, you know, if you want someone to feel miserable with, I am always your huckleberry.

God damn it, J-Hope keeps bringing me dead rabbits.

He wants you to make rabbit stew.

I'm not making rabbit stew.

J-Hope, I am not making your rabbit stew.

No!

No, I'm not.

Oh, give me the rabbit.

I'll make the stew.

You get back up top and finish brunch service.

I need some wolf time, okay?

Ava?

Jesus Christ, there you are.

What are you doing here?

What do you think I'm doing here?

Why aren't you wearing a coat?

Gloria, why don't you tell Casper why I'm not wearing a coat?

Because I told Leif not to give you one.

That's right!

Because you're conspiring against me.

Do you really think I'm going to let the laws of thermodynamics stop me?

I am immune to the standard model of physics.

For fuck's sake, give her her coat.

Jesus, Ava, here.

I will not be swayed by kindness.

Put the goddamn coat on.

I suppose you thought you could hide down here, huh?

Wrong.

How are you going to come down here and say that you haven't already said?

Nothing.

I was going to continuously beat you over the head with my valid points until you finally agreed with me.

How sweet of you.

I am holding this project together with my own two now frost-bitten hands, and you're off somewhere gazing at your navel.

Okay, look.

Gloria Gloria needs some wolf time, and this isn't helping.

We're walking back up to the diner.

Wolf time?

People are taking wolf time while we're in the middle of a crisis?

You could use some wolf time, lady.

Oh,

did.

Did- did she just raspberry me?

Yes, I did.

Four doctorates, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on.

Look.

Clementine is obviously trying to use our emotions against us, so now's now's not the time to be making emotional decisions.

Do you understand that?

I do understand that, Ava.

You've explained that to me a million times.

This isn't about you, Kesper.

This is about all of us.

I understand that.

We've spent all this time working towards something, and we can't throw it out the window.

I understand that, too.

I know it's difficult, but she's trying to force us off the playing field.

I don't want off the playing field.

I'm not taking the deal.

You're not?

No.

You.

You decided this just now?

No, it was about five minutes after she offered.

Well, then, why the fuck have I been chasing you around this whole time?

Nobody asked you to do that.

In fact, they told you to stop.

I have been chasing you around, dumping reason after reason on you for why you shouldn't take this deal, and you've already decided.

Hey, I don't talk to you when you're ready to talk.

I talk when I'm ready to talk.

I'm sitting here making a gut-wrenching decision, and you keep talking to me about the mission that we're on, with no acknowledgement whatsoever that I'm doing the emotional equivalent of driving a nail through my hand.

I'm sorry if it wasn't great for you.

You still could have said something.

I have been giving you reason after reason to say no for weeks now.

That just made me angry.

Why?

Because you had reason after reason about not giving in to people like her, about the progression of the scientific world, and how close you were to really learning something.

I just wanted one of those reasons to be about me.

About me not being here anymore.

Just one.

And then I got angry that I cared.

And then embarrassed that I cared.

It's embarrassing.

Come on, let's keep walking.

What made you decide to stay?

Back when I was talking to my mom, she said I would be a good parent.

It was weird to hear.

But I think she's probably right.

I'm a different person now.

It's literally been a century.

So it was tempting.

Not just because of that, but because

173 years, Ava.

It's oppressive, all this time.

All those years I was alive, it builds up.

I didn't even know.

I wasn't even looking at it.

Suddenly I turned, and there were all those years behind me.

It builds up.

Like rust.

Deposits at the mouth of a river.

We're just not built to hold that much time in us.

I'm past my due date.

And the temptation is always there to

find a nice spot, lay down in the grass,

let the years rush at me.

And here is Clementine offering me that and my son.

It was tempting.

I may be worthy of being his dad now, but to get back to him, I'd have to.

I'd have to screw you over.

Which would mean I'm not the guy who's worthy of seeing him again.

To be the guy I should have been for him, I have to choose to not be around him.

Going out of my way to see him again, fucking things up in the process, that would be about me, not about him.

She offered me a way to make it all never have happened in the first place.

But the thing is, it did happen.

And I could ignore all that, choose whatever reality I want, and leave all this behind me.

Or I could not do that.

I could just say no.

No, to what I've done.

What people have done to me.

What I've been through.

The trauma, the heartache, the mistakes, and I could look at it all, all that has built up over years and years and years, and I could just say, enough.

Enough of looking back, enough of taking stock, enough pain, enough pity,

enough of so much of the garbage that we define ourselves with, and just point at the horizon and say that way

ever forward

these things are all a part of me but I won't live in them or try and rid myself of them

ever forward

that way

There's no turning back the clock, said the man in the time machine.

I could just do that.

Besides, Gloria has said that when we find this woman, she's going to punch her right in her titty.

And I think that we've all,

as a family,

earned the right to see that.

Agreed.

I'm standing here in the middle of this weird place with you.

I choose this.

Thank you.

So, what else is going on?

What's new with you?

Have you figured everything out yet?

No, and it's really annoying.

Okay.

Let me see if I've got the full picture.

Damage to the fabric of space-time.

Yes.

Do we have a name for it yet?

No.

Okay.

I'm going to call it Schmutz.

Please don't.

There's schmutz everywhere.

It's all over the universe in every universe we travel to.

Yes.

The schmutz has a tendency to mess things up real bad.

Maul zombies, Ashley the asteroid, stuff like that.

Correct.

Is this new?

What do you mean, is it new?

How long has it been there?

I don't know.

Okay, but a huge asteroid.

Maul zombies.

These things are hard to miss.

Yeah.

You know what I think about sometimes?

Gloria.

How did she get here?

She answered an ad in Craigslist.

She answered an ad in Craigslist, Ava.

What the fuck?

I was hunted by an android created by my ex-wife from another dimension, and that android became one of my best friends I've ever had.

Leaf got visited by two different versions of himself from the future in the same day.

Probably listening to this conversation right now is a fourth-dimensional being named Chuck.

What are you saying?

I'm saying there's the weird shit,

and then there's the weird shit.

And we've been saying that it's all the same shit, but maybe there's a difference between this shit and that shit.

You're saying this new thing

has always been here.

Yes.

And Clementine, she's just.

She's Typhoid Mary.

A perfect carrier, spreading the schmutz around, empowered by the schmutz.

God damn it, Casper.

Where did it come from?

I don't know.

But I know it's bad stuff.

And I know the diner loves to chase it around.

Maybe that's what what we've been doing all along.

We just finally have a name for it.

Schmutz.

No.

I'm saying no.

It's gonna catch on.

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Hey, Quinn.

Hey Laif.

Everyone's having a great time.

That's great.

I'm so glad you guys opened this place here.

Everybody loves brunch.

It's very popular.

And this is what people do on...

What was the planet you said you were from?

Earth.

Earth.

This is a tradition on Earth.

It is.

It's so weird.

I've never heard of Earth.

That is

strange.

I mean,

some people say the language we're speaking right now came from Earth.

Shut up.

It's true.

That that can't be right.

I know.

Ridiculous.

So nobody knows what this civilization was, huh?

Not a clue.

It's hard to find any records.

And, I mean, between you and me, I think they kind of like it that way.

Really?

The mystery is the fun part.

I think if we figured it all out, people wouldn't come here anymore.

Ah,

Loch Ness Monster situation.

What?

Nothing.

You know, it's funny you bring that up because we're doing a special surprise for our little explorers today.

What's that?

Well, they have just recently uncovered a time capsule in this area.

It was encased in titanium and has a bunch of information about the planet.

We're doing a big presentation on it today.

They're sending a script to my dad right now.

I'm performing today.

Fallen.

Oh, another tour has arrived, and a tour guide's work is never done.

Hey.

Those are nice ships you've got there.

They're super nice.

Our tourists love to travel in style.

What's the power source?

Power source?

Uh,

you know, I'm not sure.

When everything transferred over to ERT boxes, ships didn't need reactors anymore, but I don't know where the power comes from now.

Who knows how anything works these days?

ERT box?

Yeah.

Everything switched over to ERT boxes when I was a kid.

It changed the whole system.

They say it's a new golden age.

What's an ERT box?

It's a processor.

I mean, calling it a processor is kind of

something about entanglement and photons.

A quantum computer?

I don't think anyone calls them that anymore, but yeah, that's what it is.

The ERTs made a quantum computer?

Yeah.

And

let me guess.

It's small enough to carry around?

Yeah, it's about the size of your radio.

Pretty cool.

I've got to get this new group.

Are you ready for another brunch wave?

Sure.

Great.

Hey, you should listen to that presentation I'm going to make today.

I think it'll be really interesting.

Will do.

Right this way, everyone.

We've got a special treat for you called brunch.

fucking earths hey hey man

sorry i disappeared on you it's okay i can't even imagine what it's like

are you okay i'm okay

hey

you know what i discovered what this huge body of water we're on the edge of what about it look at us you're from california i spent most of my life in california and neither of us saw it look

Oh shit.

Do you see it now?

That's the San Francisco Bay.

It is?

We're on Earth.

We've been on a future Earth this whole time.

What are we looking at?

We're on Earth.

Are we?

In the future.

It's abandoned for some reason.

Well, we certainly didn't want to stick around, did we?

Good point.

It's weird that this changes nothing.

Yeah.

We're either trapped here or trapped in some other galactic sock drawer.

Actually,

I've had a bit of a revelation.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Remember that quantum computer I was saying was impossible to build?

Yeah.

We are, I'm guessing,

a thousand years in the future, and every single one of those ships over there has a quantum computer in it.

Are we about to do crimes?

We are absolutely about to do crimes.

I love crimes.

Do you think Gloria's gonna mind?

Gloria's making stew for the K-pop wolves right now.

We don't need to bother her with this.

You're right.

We don't want her to feel guilt or shame or any of those emotions that normal humans feel.

I'm standing right here.

Oh, hey!

How are you?

How are the wolves?

We were not talking about crimes.

I heard the whole thing.

Yes.

Look.

Desperate times.

Gloria.

Go jerk the guts out of one of them contraptions immediately and get us the heck out of this purgatory.

We'll do.

Do we need to create a distraction?

Actually, Quinn was telling me she's about to do some sort of big presentation about what happened to this mysterious planet we're on.

Everyone should be focused on that, and that's when I'll make my move.

Oh, cool.

We're gonna see how Earth was destroyed.

I hate to be old school about this, but I'm gonna say thermonuclear war.

What do we think?

No.

The clowns finally rise up and kill us all.

Kind of glad Zebulon isn't here to see us commit Grand Theft space auto.

Well,

when the cat's away.

I'm going to grab some tools.

Wish me luck.

Happy larceny.

Everyone, gather round.

We have a very special presentation for you.

Gloria, could we get some of that champagne for the group?

I got it.

Thanks, Casper.

I'm feeling a strong desire to spoil this and tell them exactly where they are.

No.

I want to see how dumb they are.

So, everyone, the big news today is that there has been a huge discovery on our mysterious planet that sheds a lot of light on who lived here and what happened to them.

And it all starts with a time capsule encased in titanium that was found not far from here.

Yes, very exciting.

This time capsule contained comprehensive notes and even data files with video testimony on them.

And today, we are going to hear directly from the person who put this capsule in the ground so long ago.

This better not be some survivalist jackass.

We can't tell you much about this person, but we can tell you that they referred to as a businesswoman, an entrepreneur.

So, let's get right to it, shall we?

Let me introduce you to Tamara Oliver.

Wait.

Okay.

My name is Tamara Oliver, and if you're seeing this video, it means you found my capsule.

Good, I'm glad.

I'm feeling a little stupid putting it together.

It's tomorrow.

Is

that

the young lady from the shopping mall?

Plus, about 40 years.

Yeah.

What is happening?

What I've been telling people is that I want to make these videos as a little retirement project to leave something for future generations.

But that is not my intended audience.

What I'm not telling them is that these videos are meant for a very specific audience.

I'm talking about my old friends at the diner.

If anyone's listening to this, I sure hope it's y'all somehow.

Let me start at the beginning.

Oh my gosh.

So we're in the same timeline as the mall zombies right now.

Chopsies.

A thousand years later, but yes.

And we're not calling them that.

Didn't you and Leaf make a thing where you can tell if we've been to a universe before?

Yes, but I've been a little busy chasing you around the moors, Heathcliff.

These videos that Tamara made are very comprehensive, and they will all be available on everyone's stack right after the presentation.

But to sum up, Tamara was making these videos specifically for a mysterious group that she constantly refers to as her friends at the diner.

We imagine this is code for something, but we're not sure what.

The first several videos document what happened to Tamara after something she refers to as the shopsies.

Nice!

God damn it!

After this incident, Tamara went on to be a very successful businesswoman using something she called the secret sauce.

The secret sauce?

I gave her stock tips from the future.

And so there I was.

I was a successful woman.

I had money in the bank.

I had three houses.

Not bad for a security guard from Ohio.

The thing about getting rich is you've got some time on your hands.

That was new for me.

I did some traveling.

I worked with charities.

Shit, I even played golf a few times.

And then, one day, my rich ass found itself at an art auction.

Me.

I did not fit in.

Surrounded by all these fancy people with a paddle in my hand that said number 73,

and that's when I saw her.

Up on that auction block was a painting of a woman whose face I recognized.

And I bet you recognize it too.

We have here an image of the painting Tamara is referring to.

It's called Woman with Red Hair by an artist named Modigliani.

Oh, I definitely recognize that face.

My word, is that Clementine?

It is.

Tamara claims that the woman in this painting that was painted long before she was born is also a woman she met while she was a guard for something called a mall.

Tamara became obsessed with this woman and spent the rest of her life trying to find out more about her.

And Tamara believes what she discovered is the secret that we've all been wondering.

How did the mysterious civilization of this mysterious planet come to an end?

Believe it or not, Tamara believes that the demise of her entire civilization comes down to this woman.

No way.

She calls her Clementine.

Listen as Tamara explains.

I knew she told me her name when I met her, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

So I was fumbling around in the dark with this for a long time.

Luckily, someone finally invented Google, but even then I didn't know where to go.

The only thing I could search for was Notorious Redhead, which brought up...

Well, I'm sure you could imagine what it brought up.

But then, I finally found an old blues song from 1929.

It was a song about a small town that had suffered a train derailment, a flood, and a swarm of locusts all in the same year, and each disaster coincided with a particular woman coming to town.

The name of the song, Hard Times Clementine.

From that point on, Tamara describes herself as going down the rabbit hole.

We don't know what that means exactly, but we think it means to pass some sort of point of no return, to be consumed by something.

Over her lifetime, Tamara assembled a mountain of evidence regarding the person she calls Clementine, and in doing so, documents a planet that is in a constant state of emergency.

Today, we've come to call this constant state of emergency the polycrisis.

a confluence of many events that brings about a civilization's demise.

And we've seen several examples of the polycrisis on many planets throughout history.

On your doubts right now, just press on a history of the polycrisis across the system.

On this mysterious planet, the polycrisis takes on a different form.

A planet that was not just unlucky.

In fact, you might even say haunted.

Haunted by a beautiful red-headed woman named Clementine.

Tamara's research on the mysterious Clementine is exhaustive and spans massive amounts of time.

She identifies Clementine in ancient artwork from a place called India.

Pictures from a riot in a place called Wales.

I know it sounds very strange, but I have to say, the evidence spanning massive amounts of time that Tamara has assembled is truly impressive.

Tamara lays out case study after case study and then finally lands in the present day, where she insists the world has now been completely exhausted by the alleged encounters with Clementine.

I don't even know how to describe this world I'm living in now.

It's different than when I last saw you.

It's like we can't just seem to catch a break.

There's a forest fire in California right now.

It's been burning for three years.

They can't put it out.

A while back, half the population of Indonesia started speaking another language and nobody knows what the language is.

Siberia started to thaw out and it's released some kind of virus that gives you amnesia.

The world's gotten pretty chaotic now.

It's getting harder harder and harder to look into these things.

And that's a shame, because I was just getting on the trail of my favorite one yet.

Something about a man in Jerusalem in the 14th century.

A man named Tarek of York.

I swear to God, I have found evidence of this man, Tarek of York, over the last 700 years.

Same guy.

700 years.

What the hell does that mean, y'all?

Is there another one?

The way people are migrating across the globe now, I may never know.

I've lost track of him at this point.

But I bet you'll find evidence of a mysterious redhead in all of these cases.

But I'm too tired now to figure it all out.

We all are.

I think the one that may have done us all in was Ashley.

Oh, shit.

Ashley the asteroid?

Half the planet couldn't see it, but I could.

That thing was huge.

Dark skies for three years, but only for half of us.

What the fuck?

The zombies and Ashley the asteroid are in the same timeline?

Oh my god.

It's all in the same timeline.

What do you mean?

As I said, we've studied polycrises on multiple planets.

Across the system you can see civilizations that fall because they've been beset upon by multiple forces seemingly out of their control.

One aspect that we've observed in a state of polycrisis is when a civilization reaches a tipping point, going down the rabbit hole, as Tamara would say.

When a civilization is so degraded by the poly crisis that they are headed for complete collapse, this fact is often kept a secret from the general populace and only circulated through societal elites and oligarchs.

This planet seems to be no different.

Luckily for Tamara, she was one of those societal elites because of her status as a venerated businesswoman.

A man named Kevin Batten wants to meet with me.

He's looking for investors.

He says he's got some way of saving the human race, but he wouldn't give me any details.

He says he's got the backing of the Pearson family, though, and they're even richer than me, so I figure I'll give it a shot.

Hope Springs Eternal, right?

I don't know why I made all these videos for you all.

I met you for one day, 40 years ago, but I still hope the message gets to you somehow.

You may be the only ones who can do something about it.

As you can see around us, whatever the plan was to save the human race appears to have failed.

And in the end, we have no way of corroborating any of the information Tamara presents to us.

But as of right now, she is the sole ambassador of this lost civilization, a civilization haunted by a mysterious woman named Clementine.

Who wants brunch?

Ava, I can't believe it.

What?

She's been zigzagging through time, trying to figure out what destroyed her civilization.

Turns out, she's from Earth.

And the thing that destroyed her civilization was her.

In her rush to undo her fate, she sealed it.

Thank you, oh Lord, for the poetry.

Okay, hang on.

I know what you're going to say.

You have told me.

I know.

You have told me multiple times that this is not how time time travel works.

I know.

A Michael J.

Fox ass understanding of time travel, I believe you called it.

I did.

A woman going back in time to try and change her future.

That's a pretty Michael J.

Fox ass situation.

Who is this, Michael?

She hasn't been able to change her future, though, because

she's still at it.

But the future she lives in was apparently created by her future self in the past.

Yes.

So what the fuck is happening there?

Here's the thing.

I

have reached a Zen-like state regarding Clementine and the fact that nothing she does makes sense.

Congratulations.

Clementine breaks everything she touches.

It's not going to make sense.

We can't talk about her like she's following a set of rules.

She's...

she's just

a big ball of wrong.

Well, I'm about ready to kick this ball of wrong up onto the roof so nobody can play with it anymore.

Okay, one more time for the idiot.

Clementine comes from some sort of ruined earth future, uh-huh.

And in that ruined earth future, is somehow given godlike powers.

Yes, so she uses the godlike powers to go back and try and undo her ruined future.

Still, yes, and in going back, literally becomes the reason why her future is ruined.

That's right.

I'm just

so mad

about

all

of the times that you told me that this was impossible.

Come inside.

I want to show you something.

Where's Laif?

Gloria!

Oh, hey, are you back already?

I thought there would be some sort of highly advanced security system,

but this future is a utopia.

They don't have crime.

I'm literally Wesley Snipes and demolition man right now.

So you got the thing?

Gloria.

Holy shit.

This thing

is amazing.

I've basically got the Ark of the Covenant from Indiana Jones up here.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Well, plug it in.

It's time to melt some Nazis on it.

I understood none of those references,

but they all felt like good news.

Oh, hey, Gloria.

What?

What was the presentation?

How did the Earth die?

Ah,

we have some news.

I'll tell you later.

Okay.

Oh, also.

What?

If I get this thing fired up,

it might be the thing we need to break free of this place.

And we've got a whole brunch going on.

Ah, okay, I'll handle it.

Gloria, I have returned.

Hey, Zeb, we missed you.

How was praying?

Gloria, would that it were as simple as putting a hammer to a nail?

Well, you came back just in time.

Did I?

You know what we call this, Mucklewings?

Tell us.

The comeback trail.

Hallelujah.

The Ted stole all of your notes, and yet this booth is still a garbage barge.

You know, you're shushing me a lot lately.

Uh, here, look at this.

What am I looking at?

What does it look like you're looking at?

I would say math, but it's really just a mess of numbers and letters.

That's the universe.

On this piece of paper?

Yes.

The basic stuff, not the quantum stuff.

The standard model, the boring stuff.

Inertia, thermodynamics.

Every equation on this piece of paper represents an aspect of the universe.

And every aspect of the universe fits on this one piece of paper.

Broadly speaking, yes.

No, fits on one piece of paper.

Why do you have so many notes?

Now look at this piece of paper.

This looks like more of the same.

This is a printout of a page of code from a computer game.

Which one?

Zork.

Uh-huh.

They look very similar.

They do.

I don't like that they look similar.

I know.

Change one number or letter in that computer code, and you are no longer playing Zork.

Change one number or letter on the other piece of paper, and well, that's what Clementine is doing.

Going back to your Typhoid Mary theory, it's what she is doing, and also what was done to her.

Done to her by what?

Exactly.

By what?

Hmm.

If somebody wrote this computer code on this piece of paper, then who wrote?

Yeah, we don't have time for that right now.

Okay.

Hey, Quinn.

Hey, what's up?

Listen, this is going to seem a little strange, but we have a little presentation of our own we'd like to show you.

Really?

That's exciting.

What is it?

It's a little traditional thing we like to do on our planet.

What is it?

I don't want to spoil it.

Do you mind if I get everyone outside?

Sure.

Great.

Surprises are fun.

Aren't they?

Attention, crowd.

Before we start brunch service, can we real quick get everyone to come outside?

We've got a very special secret to reveal about this strange and mysterious planet.

Ooh, doesn't that sound fun, everyone?

Here we go.

Come on, you two.

What's happening?

Gloria, what's going on?

As soon as they're off the parking lot, fire up the Ark of the Covenant and get down here.

Okay.

Just right over here, everyone.

That's great.

So, as you know, my name is Gloria, and this is my place.

It's called Midnight Burger.

Another name for it is

a diner.

It might be hard to believe, but we are the friends at the diner that Tamara was talking about.

Gloria, what is this?

You're probably going to be wondering about this planet for the rest of your lives.

So before we go, I just wanted to say a few things.

The planet you're standing on is called Earth.

We're from there.

I know that doesn't make much sense, but it will in a minute.

Casper, introduce yourself.

I'm Casper.

I'm from Cleveland, Ohio, then Sacramento, California, then all over the western United States.

I'm a former employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Ava?

I'm Dr.

Ava Maddox, professor emeritus at Cornell University in New York, and I was born in St.

Louis, Missouri.

I'm Leif.

I'm from Northern California.

Youngest ever recipient of a master's degree in aerospace and computer engineering from the University of California at Berkeley.

And I'm Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.

Hi, y'all.

And we are from the great state of Arkansas.

I'm Gloria.

I'm from Arizona.

I run a restaurant with my friends.

Gloria,

I just wanted to introduce ourselves.

I imagine you're going to make a bunch of assumptions about our home in years to come, so I just wanted to say

we made mistakes, sure.

We had more flaws than pluses, but I recommend you be kind when you judge us.

Not because we deserve it, but because someday, far off in the future, someone will be having brunch on top of your bones, too.

How would you like them to speak of you?

Back in the saddle, babies.

Okay, Clementine's going to be on our ass real quick.

We need to figure out a way to keep her either here or in the parking lot without her turning us into tapioca.

You know what?

I've got this one.

What?

Uh, you've got this one?

Yeah.

I've got this one.

What are you talking about?

When she shows up, I can keep her busy.

Okay, but

not in a sex way, right?

Ew.

God damn it.

No.

I'm serious.

I've got some ideas.

She shows up, I'll handle it.

Okay.

How much time do you need?

Not much.

The Ertbox increased my processing speed by about two billion times.

I'm supercharged up there.

Okay, then.

I guess we just wait.

Gloria, if I may.

Sure.

Clementine is a danger to anyone she encounters.

I suggest we do not wait for her to realize she's lost us.

What do you want to do?

Taunt her?

Oh, yes.

We do.

If I cast my voice out, she will hear me.

I do not know why.

That's just going to make her more mad.

No, I want her mad.

It's part of the plan.

This is some of the most ill-advised shit.

Yes, let's make a series of rational decisions as we're careening through space-time in a diner that has wolves in the deep freeze and parmesan cheese without spatial permanence.

Okay.

Bait the hook, Mucklewains.

Greetings to all who can hear my voice.

Let the chimes of freedom ring through the halls of every home.

Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Hey, Clarence III.

Oh, sure.

She can do it.

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Punt Gusher Esquire, Chelsea G, Tanya Bericardo, Mel Momberg, Cosmic Shrugg, Kingpin, Rubius Fuzzle Butt, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Banshee Ranch, Victor in Cincinnati, Kurt Bartnick, Roman Ronin, D.

Fox, Matt Mosby, Nicole Colangello, The Real Dirt Fairy, Haya Buddha, Lady Karma, The Dread Pirate Fred Fredberger, Rogue, Liz Laser Eyes, Ivy, Your Favorite Kenny, SCRB Mark 11, Robert Oliveri, Adrian Ramirez, Berserking Off, Genuine Jacob, Schnoogens, Chris Gonzalez, Mossy, Stephen Robin Poole, Pathos, Amanda Marie Catherine, The Something Something Detective Agency, Andrea Strick, Virgo Aries Infinity, Sir Cat Dad, Velocicate, Gracefully Impaired, Ecryptid Wearing a Cool Tie, Jack Lane, Phantom Turtle, Books Chiff Managed, Aaron the Optimist, Andrew Barner, Camel Pope, Clara Olson, Justine Burbank, Sonny D.

Anomaly, Peachy Zatowichi, Chris Hancock, Caravan Shaker, Trinket Corale, Disco Funkslinger, Deli Cruise, Edgy Steve, Incorrigible Ross, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Grilled Chicken Sando, Quilandis, Potato Nation, Lacockne Francaise, Alice Malice, Podge Art, Starlight, Thomas Stolen, Michael Christian, Wandering Aquarius, Moldy Bread Millie, Tarvox Stormbringer, Techno Ranger Rick, Magnificent Hogbeast, Charmay, Brockowini, Theo Alex Deen, Flat Doug, Purple Saline, The Wondrous Methazophon, Antigone Brickman, Nicole 23, Saren Far Beyond the Stars, Jen C, Leia B, Samira, Xavier Sage, Blargo, Blargo, Blargo, Onyx Rose, Death the Kid, Churlington Beastcoat, Tamara Oliver, Kelsey Home, Jackie Wavelet, Marissa, Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Terry, Magic Pony, Jay Snoozeton, Maggie's Yarm, Rebecca Trossel, Zealous Pragma, Mallory Mae, Aaron Mitchell, Raven the Neko Queen, Melvis Gray Mystery, Joshua Cody, Om Vega, Codex Typo, Al Cave, Kevin Batten, Creator67, Sono Nasuno, John Dew, Courtney DuPona, John Pruitt, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Derplahoma, It's Just Blake, The Pearsons, Tired Pirate Muffin, J.R.

the Hiker Bear, Fiona Malisey, Daniel Caprit, Menlore, Rachel Rachelson, Tracy, Calibri, The Green Street Major, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Nate, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Hippo, Maloran, Marun Mai Salil, Kara, Late Indeed Again, Ian Herzler, Mother of Thor, Cryptesia, Nth Anomaly, Special K, Laura, Ryan Abbey, Best Buds, Danny and M, Captain Blepp, Finnegan Robert, Sarah Bergenholz, Paul A.

Johnson, Hunter B, Zachy Nat, Big Whiskey, Coat Full of Owls, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Dandy Bay, Cece Ryder, K-Mack, K-Mack, the artist formerly known as Mouse Cop, Eli the Electrician, Good God There Are So Many Names, Curtis Trell Sr., David Pierini, Dancing Dog Dreams, and existentially, Exhausted Bean.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

No, I'm not.

Give me the rabbit.

I'll make the stew.

You get back up top and finish brunch serve.

Please say the no, no, I'm not.

Just for me, though.

Please.

Am I doing it again?

Okay.

No!

Well, we certainly didn't want him.

Sure.

Well, we certainly didn't want him.

The reason why Casper is going off on his own between shifts is because of you.

Oh, Ava.

If I could be so pointed.

Ava.

I've got some aerial drones now.

You want me to search the area?

filed under things that are funny that I did not realize were funny

we're killing Susie here

yeah

I'm saying there's the weird shit and then there's the weird shit

and we've been saying it's all the same shit, but maybe there's a difference between.

But

there's a lot.

And what we've been saying.

The secret sauce.

The secret sauce.

I gave her stock tips.

What?

Sure, sure.

I did.

What?

I gave her stop.

No.

There it is.

Hey,

secret tips.

I gave her stock tips.

It's going great, see?

I gave her stock tips from the future.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

All right, remember, the machine knows if you're lying.

First statement: Carvana will give you a real offer on your car all online.

False.

True, actually.

You can sell your car in minutes.

False?

That's gotta be.

True again.

Carvana will pick up your car from your door, or you can drop it off at one of their car car vending machines.

Sounds too good to be true, so true.

Finally, caught on.

Nice job.

Honesty isn't just their policy, it's their entire model.

Sell your car today, too.

Carvana.

Pickup fees may apply.