Chapter 45: The Builder

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Last season on Midnight Burger, rolling along, singing a song side by SWAT them.

Everybody down!

The diner finds itself under attack again.

But by who?

Turns out, it's this guy.

Killed him.

Who has an entire evil empire of these guys?

Kroc the Propagator is his name, and universal domination is his game.

And his plan all starts in Cryptesia, a galaxy that he has populated with planet after planet of lab-grown earthlings where he tests out the best way to control the minds of everyone he dominates.

Like Fiona.

Hi there.

Also wrapped up in it all are Kroc's three daughters.

My name is Kazi.

That was my sister Tita.

She's about to get our other sister Labuza.

They're pretty intense.

All of our people are prisoners.

We don't know where they are.

I led them all here.

They're all trapped out there because of me.

You should come up to my lab sometime, Casper.

I'll grow you a fucking spine.

Heads up!

Edible arrangements?

This is a fucking robbery!

After an intense game of cat and mouse across Cryptesia, the diner finds itself in the clutches of Croc.

God damn, this guy absolutely fucked us.

It's like he knows the diner better than we do.

And in a move that some have called Banana Pan's Crazy Town Nutso, Gloria, Ava, Casper, and Laith sacrifice themselves so that others may continue the fight.

Lafe!

Sorry, Leif.

What the fuck are you-

Now, separated by the vastness of the multiverse, how will our heroes find their way back to the fight against Kroc?

Top off your coffee and feed the cat.

Season five of Midnight Burger is here.

Let's start the shift.

Once upon a time,

there was a builder.

The builder had lost his workshop, lost his tools,

lost his way.

He wandered on icy plains on a distant planet.

Had to be a fucking ice giant, huh?

There's death by fire, and death by ice.

Both are merciless, but at least fire is quick.

Ice takes its time.

Ice slowly creeps in.

Ice gives you time.

Time to regret.

Time to fear.

And the worst of it.

Time to hope.

The builder had no choice but to hope.

Okay, Leif.

At least get out of the wind.

It was a strange magic that brought him to this frozen land.

He had been banished, but his banishment could only occur in a place he had touched in the past.

For all of us, how many places could that be?

So few of us move from place to place all our lives.

But for the Builder,

there were few stars in the sky he hadn't touched at least once.

As far as he knew,

he could be anywhere.

The builder took shelter in the shadow of a cliff by an icy sea.

Shelter from the wind would postpone his death, but extend his misery.

Really regretting my decision to have visited so many shitty planets over the course of my life.

Casper probably landed in Bakersfield.

I'd give my right lung to be in fucking Bakersfield right now.

Okay.

Okay.

Where are we, Lafe?

Let's think back.

Ice giants I have known.

Castriff,

Celestiani?

You're only as lost as your mind allows you.

The builder had spent a life among the stars and knew clusters of dust like one would a curve in an ancient road.

He searched the night sky to see what it could tell him.

Quillandis!

Of course it's Quillandis!

Wouldn't be poetic if it wasn't Quillandis.

I hate poetry.

The builder realized he had once made his home here.

A long time ago, when all hope was lost, he crawled into a hole between two mountains and waited for the end to come.

When he finally left, he hoped he'd never see it again.

All right.

There's only one ocean on Quilantis.

I lived about 30 kilometers from it.

There.

If my hideout's here, it'll be between those two mountains.

30 kilometers.

If I try to walk 30 kilometers,

I'll die.

If I stay here, I'll die.

Fuck!

What is a knight without his sword?

What is a farmer without his field?

What is a builder without his tools?

The builder tried to remind himself of the first rule he ever learned.

There is only one tool:

inventory.

H2O.

Matter state, solid.

H2O mixed with sodium chloride.

Matter state, liquid.

Water and salt water.

That's all I've got to work with.

That is not going to do it.

I'm fucked.

Maybe I try and huff it.

I did 35 seconds in the void of space one time.

I could do 30 kilometers in.

I'm guessing, negative 10 Celsius without any protective clothing?

Sure?

Sure, I could.

No, I can't.

Fuck!

Tools are irrelevant without materials.

The builder had taken stock of his materials.

And as far as his eyes could see, he saw only ice, water, and salt.

It wasn't enough.

What?

What can I do with you?

Nothing.

You saved my life, and you're totally useless right now.

I hope it's going better for you guys out there.

Where'd you wind up, Gloria?

Back at Jack in the Box

Ava, you probably landed in some high-armed leather chair surrounded by dudes with elbow pads.

Not me.

No,

I get the fucking ice planet.

Oh, shit,

Jesus.

Well,

hello hello there

nice to have some company

What's your name?

I'm Lave

I'm going to be dead soon

Of course I could try and kill you and live inside your body Han solo style

But you are twelve feet of blubber, and I just have a space pager.

Wait, wait,

secret handshake.

Fifty thousand volts is just

going to make you mad, isn't it?

Fuck.

Well,

nice to meet meet you anyway.

Oh my god,

seriously.

Come on, man.

Oh my god, the smell.

So excited that this will be the last thing I ever smell.

It's odd, the builder thought,

how anything could be a gift if it's given at the right time.

Hang on.

Water, sodium chloride, and now methane.

Iron, copper, depending on what you ate today.

Methane gas could ignite.

Well, it'll ignite, sure, but that's one big flash.

The high moisture content of the fuel source makes a continuous burn pretty tricky.

Oh man,

you're really missing out, guys.

I'm trying to save my life by lighting a gigantic pile of shit on fire.

There's a metaphor in there somewhere.

Okay.

Humongous shit pile.

How do I light you on fire?

In one hand, I have a space pager.

Looks like Paradise Life made this thing pretty efficient, so I won't get much juice out of it.

But in the other hand, I have the secret handshake.

Can deliver a quick burst of 50,000 volts, but

low wattage.

Going to need sustained heat.

Environmental concerns.

Fuel source, aka shitpile, is steaming right now, but I imagine will be frozen within an hour.

Whatever I do, I'll need to be ready to do it by the time the next guy wants to take a dump on the beach.

Sustained heat.

Sustained heat.

When the solution finally came to him,

it didn't arrive as good tidings.

Like any escape from certain death, this solution would require a sacrifice.

Sunrise in about four hours.

Let's get to work.

The builder needed one tool to live.

But that tool was buried in the wall of ice before him.

He kicked and kicked at the wall as the shards of ice fell around him.

He was finally surrounded by fragments of ice, large and small.

Okay.

Several hunks of ice.

Which one of you is the lucky winner?

I need you to be the size of a dinner plate.

Any takers?

You there!

You look like you're up for the job!

Okay.

Big piece of ice.

I'm about to turn you into something beautiful.

It's going to cost me, but all beauty comes at a price, am I right?

All beauty comes at a price.

The sculptor blinded by marble dust.

The painter driven mad by the poison in their paint.

And now the builder.

Using the warmth of his hand, he would slowly melt and shape the fragment of ice.

He was careful to only use his left hand.

Then, after his hand was too cold, his left arm.

Then back again to his hand.

Over and over again, smoothing the edges, slowly shaping it into the only tool that could save him.

Mr.

Torvaldson, I've dealt with prodigies before,

and I will say to you what I've said to all of them

No amount of intelligence will make up for flawed optics

Clean your optics every morning mr.

Torvaldson

Fuck!

It's cold!

Keep going, Life.

Into the morning, he shaped the ice to his will.

As the sun rose, it offered little comfort.

The star was distant and cold.

But he did not need the sun for its warmth.

Okay.

Ideal angle is 17 degrees above the horizon.

Lafe?

You're going to need both of your arms for this part.

You can't feel one of your arms right now, but it'll still respond.

I think

two minutes will do the trick.

Two minutes is all we need.

Okay.

Just waiting for the guest of honor now.

He waited in the frigid morning for the last phase of his plan.

One arm numb, the rest of him not far off.

The only thing left

was a little bit of luck.

Oh, hello, gorgeous.

Come on,

come on.

You know that's why you came here.

Great work, pal!

Two minutes later!

The builder raised his new creation above his head.

It was a massive lens.

All night long, he had used his own hands to make a lens made entirely of the ice that was trying to kill him.

The lens would gather the rays of the sun into a beam.

And with enough time,

the builder would make fire from ice.

God!

Come on!

Hold it steady!

Fucking fire, baby

No my

god that smells like a chemical plant, but the heat is glorious

Fuck you I made fire

You're still sucking in air Lafe

somehow

The builder fell into a deep sleep next to his fire made from ice.

His dreams were strange dreams of warmth.

An endless celebration by a crystalline ocean.

An argument with a friend on a train.

A warm body in a warm bed.

Bright, white, sharp teeth in the darkness darkness whispering.

I love you.

Hey there,

pretty great, right?

It's fire.

It's one of the things that separates me from you.

One of the

many things.

I.

Uh.

I have no idea what your kind is called, so I'm just going to call you Jay Schmo, okay?

Ah!

Fuck!

Mr.

Schmo, if you could remind me not to touch my left arm, I'd really appreciate it.

Jesus Christ.

I can't believe I lived

barely

sadly.

This isn't going to do it, Jay.

This is a temporary situation.

Thirty kilometers.

Thirty kilometers inland.

That's the next step.

How am I going to pull that off?

Sun's going down.

If I don't have a plan by tomorrow, I'm dead.

Know any campfire songs?

All through the night, the builder tried to convince himself that he didn't already know the plan.

The plan came to him almost instantly, as soon as he awoke.

All through the night, he tried to think of any other plan.

Anything that could keep him from doing what he would have to do next.

Nothing came.

What?

Oh, all this?

Well,

believe it or not, my blubbery friend.

This is the plan.

I have here in my arms

several pieces of your frozen shit.

I will

now

sit down by the fire

and take my boots off.

You're right.

It does sound crazy.

But I'm afraid that's all we're left with.

I take a moment and

Warm my feet by the fire and then

I take my right boot and

fill it with frozen pieces of your incredibly stinktastic shit, Mr.

Jay Schmo.

I fill it all the way to the top of my boot.

And now

I have one boot full of shit,

one empty boot,

and two socks.

I take two socks

and put them

on my right foot.

And then I take the empty boot and put it

on my left foot.

I lean the shit boot up against the fire

and I wait for it to thaw enough

that it catches on fire.

I knew this guy back home,

Lenny.

Lemmy Harris.

Cool guy.

I was packing up my stuff, heading off to Berkeley.

I told him I would fix his bike for him, so of course, I added a motor to it because I can't fucking help myself.

I'm finally going to get out of here, he said.

Oh, yeah?

Where are you going, Lenny?

He said.

Micronesia.

Micronesia?

What the hell for?

They'll never find me there, he said.

This is a 17-year-old kid talking like he was on the run from the feds.

You know, Lenny, the problem with nobody being able to find you is

that nobody's able to find you.

Should have taken my own advice.

Here we go.

I have turned my boot into a torch.

The fire will burn at the top and slowly thaw the fuel underneath and then use that to keep burning.

That

should be enough heat to keep me from dying at least.

Time's a wasting.

Jeishuo, my friend,

enjoy the fire.

Theoretically, if you keep coming ashore and shitting on it, you can always have a fire up here.

An eternal flame.

A memorial.

30 kilometers.

Peacecake.

With a torch and only one boot on,

the builder made his way across the land of ice.

The wind was constant and relentless.

Even when the sun was at its highest, it was as though it burned cold.

It wasn't long into the journey that time became irrelevant.

He could have been walking for minutes.

He could have been walking for years.

There was only one way he found to motivate himself.

He thought of his death.

If he were to die here, his body would never decompose and become part of the earth.

He would be frozen, trapped forever.

Wide, dead eyes gazing at the sunrise for eons until even the sun burned out.

If he died,

he would never be free.

Emergency medical bed deployed.

Diagnosis request

full body scan.

Conducting full scan.

Please remain still

dehydration level four

please remain still for electrolyte injection

triage report available go

upper left appendage and lower right extremity experiencing level seven necrosis

treatment recommendations He was careful to only use his left hand.

Field amputation.

Removal of upper left appendage and lower right extremity.

Do it.

Administering anesthesia.

Procedure will commence in two minutes.

As he waited there for the machine to change his body forever,

he heard an old, familiar voice.

So,

loosen your arm in the Justine Burbank system, huh?

Sounds a little familiar to me.

I'm aware.

And watch yourself, Buster.

Everybody loves the freewheeling old man.

But all I was ever ever meant to be was a cautionary tale.

I'm aware.

With certain death narrowly avoided, the builder changed his focus as the chemicals seeped into his body.

He thought of those that sent him here.

His enemies.

The ones that took his friends from him.

The ones that condemned him to an icy death.

As he thought of them, he issued a promise to the empty air.

I'm going to kill every single fucking one of you.

The builder had become the destroyer.

As every builder does from time to time.

The key is knowing when the destruction must stop.

Sometimes it never feels like enough.

Reviving patient in five, four,

three,

two.

Report.

All procedures successful.

Recommend replacement of removed appendages with cybernetics or live grafts.

Would you like me to connect you with local vendors?

No.

Would you like a debrief regarding psychological trauma or PLP?

No.

Remember, nearly all patients who have an amputation performed have some form of phantom pain or discomfort.

Would you shut up, please?

Deploying assistive device.

Home, sweet home.

Yeah.

Hello, Nancy.

At least you won't have to walk out of here.

Looks like she's in pretty good shape.

One problem, though.

If my ship's here,

where am I?

The builder stood over his own slain body.

An echo of himself, gunned down and left for dead a sheen of ice covering his skin

so many of us are plagued by the road not taken

few of us come face to face with it

who do you think got him

well the teds would have captured you a few different plasma burns on the rocks

Looks like some rim runners just got lucky.

Caught you unawares.

So,

effective reminder that it could be worse.

Yeah.

Sorry, Lafe.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Welcome to the unselling wizard.

What can I get you?

Uh, Lafe, Brillzebub.

I thought

you're supposed to be dead.

Surprise,

You, uh,

you can't be here right now.

I'm exactly where I want to be.

Well,

what do we have here, Bugaboo?

Do my eyes deceive me, Battle Pope?

We're looking at a dead man, Bugaboo.

Or at least he looks like one, Battle Pope.

Battle Pope and Bugaboo.

Is there a shitty criminals conference in town or something?

What was I saying just the other day, Bugaboo?

I believe you were saying

you wish we killed him, Battle Pope.

And now here we are, Bugaboo.

You know, they swore to us up and down, Battle Pope.

Never trusts the word of a rim runner, Bugaboo.

So what's worse, Lee?

Being dead?

Or knowing you're about to be killed?

Talking to you two is worse than both.

What kind of idiot escapes getting deleted and then walks into the unselling wizard like it's nothing, Bugaboo?

Well, this kind of idiot, Battle Pope.

Well,

if you want something done right, Bugaboo.

Guys, guys, guys, listen.

I realize there's a bit of bad blood between the three of us, but trust me,

I'm here to make amends.

Is that right?

Of course.

Here.

Take these.

This is my way of saying I'm sorry.

What the hell are these, Battle Poke?

Oh

fuck.

It's crazy, right?

I hand them to people and they just take them.

So trusting.

Hey, guys.

Long time no see.

Let me guess.

You thought I was dead, right?

Honestly, me too.

So don't feel bad.

oh.

You know,

I thought a couple of secret handshakes might not be enough for a situation like this.

So,

of course I made more.

I'd like some credit for developing non-lethal technology in a hostile marketplace.

Oh shit.

Hey, Brillzebub.

What's that drink you make that I like so much?

A uh

a barbarian bloodbath.

That's the one.

I'll have one of those.

You know,

once upon a time,

I wanted to be that guy who walks into a bar and everybody notices.

But now that that's happened,

I don't know.

Not all it's cracked up to be.

What

happened to the arm?

Slipped on a banana peel.

Laif.

I'm just a bartender, okay?

Nobody's ever one thing, Brilzebub.

Leif, I swear I just stop talking, Brilzebub.

Now,

you're going to walk me into the back, and you're going to get me in to see the potion, Maestro.

If you don't,

I'll show you what else I have in this bag of mine.

Who is it?

You have a new patient.

I don't have a patient on my schedule.

It's uh

it's urgent.

Very well.

This had better be an emergency.

It is for me, but you know, everything's relative.

Life.

Yeah, yeah, you thought I was dead.

Do me a favor and don't make any sudden movements, Maestro.

I've managed to go all day without killing anyone.

Respect the streak.

I saw your body.

The image was locked.

It couldn't have been faked.

This is a missed opportunity on my part.

I could make up a great story about how I avoided death.

Huge myth-making opportunity.

How about this?

There's infinite leafs out there.

You can kill one of us, but another one's just going to show up to take his place.

We're like fucking herpes.

Pretty good, right?

People love a good story.

Like

the story you told me one time about how 60% of your body is metallic.

What did you just put on my wall?

Don't worry, it's not a bomb.

What are you doing?

I've just magnetized you to the wall.

Convincing metal to act like a magnet is much easier than you would think.

What do you...

want?

Do I have your undivided attention, Maestro?

Yes?

Great.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I'm missing one arm and one foot.

I'm going to need you to look through your godforsaken inventory and find me a replacement.

Of course.

Of course, no problem.

I just got a shipment of Sherbear 17890s.

You and I both know share bears can be tracked.

Okay, okay, no problem.

Maestro, this magnet's about to crush your pseudoskeleton.

I'd think a little quicker if I were you.

Davy Voice, I got Davy Voice 711s in the back.

Fantastic.

Can you turn off the magnet now, please?

One more second.

I'm attaching a bomb to your arm.

Your real arm, not the one you can remove.

I'm going to set the timer for two hours.

So, if I'm not awake with my new arm in two hours, then bippity-boppity-boom.

They're going to be cleaning your guts and parts off this room for weeks.

Not that you do a lot of cleaning around here.

Are we clear?

Yes!

okay.

I look forward to working with you.

We're never truly done with the darkness in us.

You can come to terms with it, hide it away,

even send it into a lifelong slumber.

But it's never eliminated.

The darkness never leaves you.

And at times when you're backed against a wall by your circumstances,

you can reach deep down into yourself and rouse it back to life.

You can use the darkness within you to survive.

But there's a trick to it.

If you use the darkness, the darkness may use you.

You may never get control again if you let it out.

I don't know what universe I'm in.

I need to do a CMB scan and I don't want to spend time making another interferometer, so.

We are parked on the outskirts of the Harbinger Pulsar, where there are a group of decommissioned mirror satellites.

I use the laser on the mirrors and bounce the signal back to me.

I use the interference to make the CMB map.

Nice.

Doing it in space cuts out the atmospheric interference.

So,

you figure out where you are in the multiverse and then what?

I don't know.

I figured getting my bearings was the next step after getting all my appendages back.

How's the new arm?

It's a piece of shit, but it'll do.

What was yours again?

A noble barrel, but I made some changes to it.

Okay, we're good.

We'll give that a few minutes.

In the meantime, let's see what Dead Lafe has left us with.

A pack of scrizzles.

Leopard donuts.

Jesus, I was not taking care of myself.

An errant popsicle stick.

Thanks, Dead Laf.

Hey.

Now we're talking bladeless drones.

Silent but deadly.

These will come in handy.

Let's get these charged up.

Here we go.

Holy shit.

I'm still in the same universe.

I didn't change universes.

I'm still where I was when I shot myself.

I'm in Crocs universe.

Still where you were?

Yeah.

Only several years in the past and two and a half million light years away.

Hey, could be farther.

Distance like that.

You might as well be nine universes to the left.

Maybe.

I know you hate this kid.

What are you talking about?

That mind of ours.

How it acts in times like this.

Most people, when they hit the skids, they've got to practice a healthy dose of acceptance.

There's only so much you can do about the situation that you're in.

Your mind, on the other hand,

it gives you a few more options than the average bear.

What's wrong with that?

The options that your brain gives you in times like these are pretty fucking dark, Buster.

You're thinking about building it again

You promised you wouldn't.

What do you want me to do?

Wave a white flag?

You've got more options than waving a white flag.

This isn't Clementine.

This isn't going to be solved with a heartfelt talking to you.

Don't do it, Lafe.

I'm several years and several million light years away.

Can you think of another option?

You can think of another option.

Yeah.

Well, I just lost an arm, a foot, and my friends.

I'm exploring any option I can right now.

This wasn't Gloria's plan.

It wasn't a plan.

It was a panic button.

Building a weapon and using it against the bad guys, that's a plan.

Kid,

you promised you'd never make it.

What if we can't stop him?

What if we can't stop him because nobody's willing to make a tough call?

I'm not here to be Einstein to your Oppenheimer, Buster.

Well, why the hell are you here?

I'm not, Leif.

It's just you.

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Hey, Han.

Yeah?

I uh found that missing harvest droid.

Uh-oh, how's it doing?

Yeah, it's uh trying its best, but its best is not enough.

Be sure and give it high marks for effort.

Uh, you need to uh stop treating the droids like they're our children.

But they're trying so hard, honey.

Well, I'm about to take this child of ours into my workshop and take it apart piece by piece.

How do you feel about that?

Yeah, the analogy kind of breaks down at that point, doesn't it?

It does.

Uh, how are you guys doing up there?

She still hates the new visor.

Does she understand that her only other option is blindness?

She does.

That doesn't keep her from complaining about it.

Has she tried to make you a deal yet?

Of course she has.

She says she'll double her chores if she can wear her old visor.

Her old visor doesn't even fit her.

She doesn't seem to care.

Oh, suddenly repairing this droid all afternoon doesn't sound so bad.

She's a menace, this daughter of yours.

Okay, why is she called my daughter when she's being a menace?

You're the scientist.

Do the math.

We're both scientists.

Doesn't feel like it right now.

I promise tomorrow I'll let you do robot repair all day long while I negotiate with the menace.

Thank you.

Ah!

Hun?

Yeah.

Have you seen any weird drones lately?

Weird, how?

Weird, like you've never seen them before.

No.

Is our neighbor being weird again?

Maybe.

See you in a bit.

Okay.

Wow.

Oh, what the hell?

Hello?

Hello?

Sorry about the drones.

It's my first time on this planet.

I don't know where I'm going.

No problem.

Can I point you in the right direction?

Um...

Town?

Town?

You're on a colony candidate.

Right now, you're not going to find a lot of towns.

Oh, yeah?

If you're looking for a town, you may want to wait a generation or two?

Okay.

Sorry to trouble you.

Excuse me.

Are you an Earthling?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, I am.

I know.

Weird, right?

I've never met an Earthling before.

How did you get all the way out here?

Long story.

Where am I?

You're on Dariel.

It's a colony candidate in the edge of Triangulum.

Okay.

Just uh doing some sightseeing.

Uh

I'm actually trying to finish a game of zomcom

zomcom?

Yeah.

I started one with a friend a while back and then we lost touch.

Is that you sign my shovel

to polar gap?

Surprise.

You're an earthling?

I am.

How the hell did you find me?

Chat threads on Tangle games are not nearly as anonymous as you think they are.

It's really you.

It's really me.

What happened to you?

It's been ages.

I got a little sidetracked.

You know.

Life stuff.

And you just decided to show up at my farm all of a sudden?

Are you still working on it?

I am.

You?

Yeah.

In fact,

I think I solved one of our biggest problems.

That's why I'm here in person, actually.

Anything from this point on shouldn't have a text thread attached to it.

Wow, you're serious?

Yeah.

An earthling?

An earthling.

Well, it's nice to finally meet you.

You too.

You better come inside.

Good morning, colonists.

Here's the weather report for Colony Candidate 1.2-12.

Region 118.

Light wind will continue throughout the day with a 13% chance of precipitation in the next three days.

You are a projected 57 days from autumnal conditions.

As always, please report any any deviations from standard predictions to your colony candidate Nexus.

Have a wonderful day.

Terwin.

Terwin, come eat food, please.

I'm not hungry.

Sure, you are.

I'm not.

Sweetie,

a hunger strike is not going to get me to change my mind about the visor.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay.

Hello?

Aren't you supposed to be fixing a robot?

You're not gonna believe this, but we've got company.

Company?

Yes.

You mean I'm actually going to have a conversation with someone who's not my husband or my daughter?

Can you believe it?

Oh, hello there.

Hey, this is...

Holy shit, I don't know your real name.

Right, I don't know yours either.

I'm Jeremy.

Jeremy Impson.

I'm Hannes.

This is Cat Cat.

Hi.

Wait.

What's going on?

Honey, this is.

this is Tupolar Cat.

Holy shit, really?

Yeah!

How the hell did you find us?

It's okay.

She knows everything.

Me and your husband were comparing notes back and forth on the chat thread for a private game of ZomCon.

Right.

It's a cheap and dirty way to have a private conversation through a comms node, but it gets to a point when you've got to take the next step.

I I see.

And this is the next step.

It is.

You're an earthling?

I am.

So.

I know.

You're telling me that you and my husband are on the brink of a scientific breakthrough?

I think so, yes.

And you're an earthling.

We're not known for our scientific breakthroughs.

You're not.

I'm a bit of an outlier.

In several ways.

In several ways.

I told you you could be tracked through those games.

I know you did.

We could have had someone much worse than Jeremy showing up at our door.

I know that now.

Who's out there?

Terwin, we've got company.

Why don't you come out of your room?

Who is it?

I'm not having a conversation through a

hint.

That's our daughter, Terwin.

She's going to be the president of something one day, but right now she's just a pain in the ass.

Hello there.

Hello, I'm Terwin.

Hey,

I'm Jeremy.

It's nice to meet you, Jeremy.

Jeremy, don't you agree that this visor I'm wearing is too big for my face and makes me look ridiculous?

I'm sure you'll grow into it.

But, Jeremy, don't you agree it makes more sense for me to wear my adolescent visor, which fits me much better?

I think you should probably do whatever your mom says, Terwin.

I'm going to need a better answer than that, Jeremy.

Okay.

How about the fact that you appear to be a crimson nixite?

And if you don't wear that visor, you'll be blind.

Granted, but I offer a counterpoint.

How old are you?

My adolescent visor fits me much better.

Why should I be forced to wear the visor I don't like?

Because your parents told you to.

I see.

So we're to be enemies, you and I.

Wow.

Terwin, don't drag Jeremy into your personal crusades, please.

I look like I'm wearing a spacecraft on my face, Dad.

You don't look like that at all.

Jeremy,

you're an Earthling.

Yep.

How did you get here?

It's a very long story.

Really?

Yes.

Well, you're in luck, Jeremy.

Why is that?

Because when my parents informed me that I was going to have to wear a visor on my face that was roughly the size of a planetoid, they also told me that I was now going to be spoken to to like an adult in the house.

Mom, can you confirm that, please?

I did say that, yes.

Okay, then.

Let's hear it, Jeremy.

Actually, Winnie, I think we all want to hear this story.

How about we set up the table for all of us, and Jeremy can tell us a story?

Okay, Hannes, can you put some music on, please?

Hell yeah.

Anyway, so there we were at the top of the mine with a cadre of Teds waiting for us.

They said what we created was too much too soon for the human race and that they would like to make us all a deal.

A deal?

Yeah.

In exchange for what?

In exchange for pretending like we didn't discover something.

Get the fuck out of here.

No, it's true.

What did you discover?

Dark matter.

Earthlings haven't discovered dark matter?

This earthling did.

But they wanted you to keep it a secret?

They did.

And you just said...

I mean,

it was a long time ago.

I was a kid, and suddenly I'm confronted by not just an alien race, but confirmation that there were aliens to begin with.

A discovery like that would have transformed your planet.

Would it have?

An unlimited energy source for a planet that's still primarily run by hydrocarbons?

Of course it would have.

Has it changed anything out here?

It's not like once you leave Earth, there's suddenly no crime or poverty or injustice, right?

The Ted still exists.

They're still pirates.

The Iron Quadrant is still poor.

The original Coalition is still rich.

I guess I've never seen technology change people.

People change or they don't, whether they're holding a tangle or a club.

Can I get a tangle?

No.

How long have the Teds been doing things like this?

The Teds messing with Earth is one of the worst kept secrets in the triad.

Yeah, I don't think it would come as a surprise to anyone.

Do they do this with other planets?

Just us.

That's curious.

It is a little curious.

But another Earthling I met out here was this Australian guy.

Australia is a part of Earth.

Yeah, kangaroos.

That's right.

That's where kangaroos are.

He had this theory that's always stuck in my head.

He said that if any group has cultural power, there will be a concerted effort to keep them away from political power.

Because a combination of political power and cultural power would be unstoppable.

What are we listening to right now?

It's Mozart.

Right.

A piece of music written hundreds of years ago on my planet is being played light years away.

If that's not cultural dominance, I don't know what is.

We're speaking English right now from my planet because everyone loves our movies and TV and books.

If you somehow added technology and some political power to that, the Teds would be cooked.

So they try and keep us as dumb as they can.

Terwin, how am I doing?

Do you feel like I'm talking to you like an adult?

What happened to your arm, Winnie?

No.

It's fine.

I was working in core design for a while.

One of the drives became unstable and there was an explosion.

Did it hurt?

Mercifully, I don't remember it happening.

I just woke up and posted.

What does it feel like now?

It takes some getting used to.

It's better than having no arm, but it's no replacement for the real thing.

If I poke you, will you feel it?

Kind of.

Okay.

We're bombarding Jeremy with questions.

Jeremy, it's your turn.

Well, Hannes, you're from Sepsu, I'm assuming.

That's right.

Sepsu?

Sihai.

Cat cat, you're from Sigius, obviously.

And you, with the brand new visor,

you're a crimson nixite.

I am.

One family.

Three races.

What's going on there?

There's an adoption lottery on my planet for couples who aren't genetically compatible.

That's how we got Terwin.

Nobody wants kids from my planet, but they adopted me anyway.

Terwin, don't say things like that.

It's true, Jeremy.

Nobody wants to deal with a kid who has to wear a red visor everywhere.

Frankly, I know how they feel right now.

Where do you hear these things?

One of my study partners told me.

Well, your study partner is an idiot.

You can't say that about other kids, Dad.

Sure, I can.

Call him right now.

I'll tell him to his face.

I can't call him.

I don't have a tangle.

I have a friend from NYX.

She's one of the smartest people I've ever met.

Really?

Yes.

Her name's Labuza.

She's a flaxie in Nixite, and she's a freaking genius.

You should tell your friend.

Uh-oh, lunch break is over.

Back to school.

You can't call it school if it's just my room.

It's the closest thing we've got out here in the CCs, kiddo.

Get in there.

How long are you staying, Jeremy?

I'm not sure yet.

Well, it would be rude of you to leave without saying goodbye.

I'll be sure and say goodbye then.

Thank you.

Mom, I'm about to be laughed at by other children because I'm wearing a grain silo on my face.

How do you feel about that?

I'd feel worse about it if I didn't know you were exaggerating for a fact.

Goodbye.

See you at dinner.

She's great.

I feel like Connis and I are doing a great job, but she has the distinct ability to make it feel like we are constantly failing her.

Take it from me.

You guys are doing great.

I wanted to leave home so bad, I left the planet and the galaxy.

Yeah, how does that work exactly?

You can't really tell mom and dad you've gone to space, right?

For me, it wasn't much of an issue.

Some people on Earth decide to leave society behind and go live in the woods.

My parents were those people.

My dad hates technology, and my mother is literally allergic to it, so

it's not like I'd be able to call them.

Last they heard from me, I was on a research station on the other side of the planet.

Wait, humans can be allergic to technology?

Uh

no, actually.

Uh, some of them think that electromagnetic fields make them sick.

There's no proof that's true, but that doesn't stop some earthlings from feeling that way.

But you're an engineer.

Yeah.

So the things you would make made your mom sick?

Yeah, it wasn't great.

That on top of having a dad who was a pretty big asshole made leaving pretty easy.

So like I said, you guys are doing a great job.

Okay, well, on to other business.

I'm going to open up a bottle of Festin Live.

Oh, really?

What's a special occasion?

We're all going to have a glass, and you two are going to tell tell me what the fuck is going on.

I see.

I hope I haven't gotten anyone in trouble.

You haven't.

I'll be the judge of that.

Okay.

Why don't you tell me what you know and I'll fill in the rest?

Hmm.

Okay.

So

I know that we had to leave the Coalition Planets behind so that Hannes could continue his research.

I know that he had an anonymous little helper that up and vanished a while back.

I now know that that anonymous little helper is somehow an earthling.

And you know what his research is about, I'm assuming.

She knows.

I know.

When we first started seeing each other and he finally confessed to me that his pet project was a doomsday device, I strongly questioned my taste in potential partners.

Understandable.

But then he finally convinced me that he was researching it so that he could prevent it from ever being built.

Well, the idea was: if we can come up with a viable model for this doomsday device, it meant someone else could too.

Which would mean someone needs to come up with a way to defend against it.

Our home planets want nothing to do with this research, which is why we had to leave, so I could keep working.

What else would you like to know?

This is actually when she decides she doesn't want to hear any more about it, which I get.

He told me you had a cute little name for this thing:

a cow catcher.

Uh-huh.

How

does it work?

You're sure you want to know this, Cap?

Sweetie, Jeremy hasn't shown up because he's on vacation.

You had a breakthrough, I'm assuming?

Yeah, I have.

So?

How does it work?

Okay.

Imagine a missile that travels faster than the speed of light.

If you're traveling faster than light, one of the many potential problems is photon collection.

You're You're now traveling faster than photons, which means some of them may collect on your hull.

A cowcatcher is designed to collect as many photons as possible as it travels faster than light.

When a cowcatcher arrives at its target, it doesn't blow up or anything.

It just stops.

And every single photon it's collected is suddenly released at the speed of light.

If you've traveled faster than the speed of light for long enough, when a cowcatcher stops, it could potentially release enough energy to obliterate an entire solar system.

Fuck.

Yeah.

It's like dropping a supernova in your enemy's backyard.

Feeling pretty justified in not asking about your work, honey.

I know.

I'm sorry.

So.

Hmm.

What's the verdict?

Am I going to be staying up nights afraid that we are suddenly going to be atomized?

I was hoping at some point your husband and and I could compare notes so we could see how much sleep you have to lose.

Well, I'm glad I started drinking early.

So, here's the visualization of the warp bubble.

As you can see, in front of the bubble, space-time contracts, and at the back of the bubble, it expands.

The weapon technically stays still while the warp bubble it's contained in travels faster than light.

The most unexpected thing I found is that, assuming the power source is consistent, acceleration can be infinite.

Really?

So, not only would this theoretically go faster than light, it can go several times faster.

Nice.

As you might be able to tell, I just took the basic ideas from an inertial dampener and I kept expanding the idea.

It was way too unruly at first, but if I modify the bubble geometry to make the walls of the bubble thicker, it gets much more stable.

Okay,

there it is!

Yeah, it's possible for sure.

And I think with this new bubble construction, it'll require a lot less power, but it will still need a very powerful engine, something more powerful than anything out there.

And that's where I come in.

How have things been going on your end?

Hang on, let me connect to my ship's drive.

Can you imagine if the Teds got a hold of something like this?

They could end a rebellion at the drop of a hat with one of these.

They could.

But the Teds are just as dependent on the Triad as we are on them.

They start blowing up star systems and they're ending their lifeline of natural resources.

Also, they religiously ban any research on faster-than-light travel since it would be a direct competitor to their warp gates.

I don't worry about the Teds.

I worry about bad actors.

I worry about pirates, terrorists.

Then past that, I worry about proliferation.

Suddenly, we're living in a world where three galaxies all have a gun pointed at each other.

Okay.

This

is Uncle Rogue.

It's a dark matter engine.

The dark matter engine isn't the kind of power signature that we're looking for, but...

If I keep the basic idea intact, but flip it on its head, it can harvest dark energy instead of dark matter.

So the fuel source has negative energy density.

Exactly.

So I've got my simulation now plugged into your simulation.

Let's see what happens.

Holy shit.

Oh, it works.

Hammer of the fucking gods.

How fast is is it going?

1.3 times the speed of light?

But watch what happens when I speed up the timeline.

1.4,

1.5.

It's getting faster.

Just like you said.

Looks like, forgive the Earth metric, but after traveling for a year, it'll be going 5.7 times faster than the speed of light.

And it'll just keep going.

Until it hits its target.

This is amazing.

Yes.

It's It's also very bad.

Also that.

Oh,

this is a very strange feeling.

Because it's an amazing breakthrough and also the most destructive weapon ever created?

Yes!

This may help.

Okay.

I've zoomed out on the simulation.

Look at the energy wake.

It's emitting something.

Yeah.

It's emitting waves forward.

It is.

How can it send anything forward when it's going faster than anything in the universe?

Those are gravity waves.

And because of the gravitational distortion, it's sending gravity waves forward in time.

That's right.

If you can keep an eye out for this very specific frequency of gravity waves, conceivably you can detect this thing before it's even launched.

Oh,

I know I've studied this my entire life, but physics is so fucked fucked up, man.

Right?

So, yes, this is the most dangerous weapon ever created, but it's got an early warning system built into it.

Yes, which, look,

it would be great if it didn't work at all.

But at least you can see it coming.

If you can see it coming, you can figure out how to stop it.

But only if people know about it.

We need to tell someone.

Yes.

Even making this simulation is highly illegal.

do we tell there's someone on sidious you can talk to her name's whala she's the mom of a friend of mine she'll know what to do

okay

there's something we have to do first what get real drunk

yeah we do

Engines on

flight path calculation parameters quadrant search for unstable unicorn.

Hi, oh shit.

Hey, Terwin.

I said leaving without saying goodbye would be very rude.

You did say that?

I'm sorry.

Where are you going?

I've got some work to do.

What kind of work?

I'm a freelance engineer, so I go where the work is.

Your work is on an unstable unicorn?

Ah.

Kind of.

What I'm doing is called a build order.

I'm making something from the ground up, so it's nice to have enough space.

I have a tendency to settle down on an unstable unicorn for a while and do most of the work there.

No distractions.

No danger of setting the neighbor's house on fire.

What are you building?

Nothing too exciting.

Water harvester for a dry planet.

Okay.

So it's just you and your folks out here, huh?

Yeah.

You don't get to hang out with kids your age?

School is just a monitor screen for me.

Once a month, we all take a field trip together.

Well, that must be fun.

Kids my age are pretty annoying.

Okay.

But they're fine.

Um,

how did you know you wanted to be an engineer?

I couldn't help myself, really.

Even when I was younger than you, I kept making stuff, taking stuff apart, putting it back together.

How about you?

What do you want to be?

I don't know.

Is it true that everyone on my planet is a lawyer?

Nyx?

On the Crimson side of the planet, sure.

Lawyers, dealmakers.

Usually, if there's a deal to be made in the triad, there's a crimson nyxite involved somehow.

But not on the other side?

No, on the Flaxian side, you'll get a lot of astronomers and musicians.

Okay.

I don't think I want to do any of that.

That's fine.

And I don't know how to figure out what to do with my life.

Are you asking me for life advice, Terwin?

I don't talk to a lot of other adults, other than my parents.

I'm taking advantage of the situation.

I see.

Anytime now, you're going to do something, and for some inexplicable reason, you're going to be better at it than the other kids.

Listen to those moments.

Um, that's pretty vague.

Sorry.

Crap, don't tell my mom.

What?

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Judging by how drunk Hannes was when he went to sleep, the two of you had a pretty big night.

Yeah.

Yeah, we did.

Really?

Really?

I'm going to have a drink.

Okay.

You?

No, I'm good.

You know,

two guys coming up with a working model for a doomsday device does not seem like a good reason to do some heavy drinking.

Or maybe it does, depending depending on your perspective.

I'm sure it seems pretty weird, but it was a serious breakthrough.

So he's going to be able to go to Sidious and show them this doomsday device, and they'll start to take it seriously?

Absolutely.

It can really destroy an entire solar system?

Yeah.

Yeah, it can.

I'm a scientist too, you know.

Oh yeah?

It's not as fancy as a theoretical physicist.

I think earthlings call me a

limnologist.

I'm not familiar.

Lakes and rivers, freshwater systems.

That's cool.

You know what, Jeremy?

It is cool.

Thank you for saying so.

I convinced Hannis that we should come out here to the colony candidate so that I could study the freshwater systems of all these untouched planets.

But really,

things were getting a little scary in the triad.

Have you noticed that?

Sure.

I wanted to get away from it all.

Go somewhere where I didn't have to worry about inner system politics or the Teds or

Doomsday machines?

Yes.

I really do mean it when I call this good news.

Sidious is an amazing place, and it's an amazing example to other planets.

But they've got to get their heads out of the sand on this.

Their their heads?

Out of the sand?

Sorry, it's an earth thing.

There's this bird called an ostrich.

Never mind.

It's not enough for Sidious to just take care of its own business.

It's got to take the lead on things like this.

I know.

I know where you're coming from.

The desire to escape is something I'm very familiar with.

But it always comes for you.

In the end, there's no safe place.

And on that tranquil note, I'm off to bed.

Sorry.

It's okay.

I understand where you're coming from, Jeremy.

I'm glad you showed up.

He was starting to consider taking farming more seriously.

Gross.

Right?

Thanks for not saying anything.

So you get spoken to like an adult, but you still have a mandatory bedtime.

It's a little contradictory around here, Jeremy.

Okay.

You lied to us earlier.

I did.

You said that you knew someone from my planet named Labuza.

That's right.

I don't remember my planet, so I read about it sometimes.

No one is allowed to be named that on my planet.

It's a sacred name.

Really?

A long time ago, there was someone named Labuza on my planet.

She's famous for being the daughter of this, like, warlord guy.

So, unless you were alive a long time ago, you were lying to us.

Sorry.

I must have heard the name somewhere, and I guess I was trying to make you feel better.

You don't have to do that.

Okay.

I hate this visor, Jeremy.

Really?

I hadn't heard.

I'm the only kid in my class that has one.

That doesn't make you feel cool.

Do I look cool to you?

Kind of.

I look like a Raxian riot cop.

I'll tell you what.

I can make that visor cool real quick, but you can't tell your parents.

How?

Can you give it to me?

Um, okay.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Don't panic, but the sound you're about to hear is the sound of me cracking open the data center for your visor.

I don't think you're supposed to do that.

I'm definitely not.

Hang on.

See.

They wanted to sell visors with upgrades on them, but they found it was cheaper to sell everyone the same visor with the upgrades locked away.

And you can pay to have them unlocked.

Upgrades?

There we go.

Okay.

Put it back on.

Okay.

Um,

it looks the same.

So, that button on the side that doesn't do anything?

Mm-hmm.

Give it a try.

Whoa.

That's a low-light filter.

It looks like it's the middle of the day.

I know.

That is cool.

What did I tell you?

Press it again.

Okay.

What is this?

That's the ranger setting.

It'll give you a compass, sunrise, sunset, topographical map in the corner.

Okay.

Uh, can I see through walls?

Kind of.

Press it again.

You're a big red blob.

Thermal imaging.

Look at the wall.

There are two more red blobs.

That's your parents sleeping in the next room.

Whoa,

this is amazing.

See?

I'm going to use this all the time.

Good.

Just don't get me in trouble.

Look at them.

I can see them sleeping through the wall.

You're always going to know where they are.

And they're really going to hate that.

My parents are now a couple of blobs.

Did you know your parents?

My parents?

Yeah, I did.

I do.

Do you still talk to them?

No, it's a.

It's a little hard to stay in contact when I'm out here.

Do you think they miss you?

I think my mom probably does.

My dad.

Hmm.

That's a little more complicated.

Are you glad you knew them?

Yeah.

I am.

Family is a funny word, Terwin.

Why is it a funny word?

Family is the word you use for the people that give birth to you and who were born with you.

That's how most people use the word.

And then

one day you find yourself thrown together with a bunch of people you didn't choose and didn't choose you.

And after a while, you turn around one day and you realize this collection of strangers you've stumbled into

that if anyone tried to hurt them or take them away from you,

that you'd burn the whole world down to stop them.

But you're not supposed to call them family.

What do you call them?

There's not a word for it in my language.

Your dad had a big day today, Terwin.

You should be proud of him.

They're proud of you, too.

How do you know that?

Because I know what it looks like when parents are disappointed.

Earthlings are interesting.

Thanks.

I wish you didn't have to go.

Me too.

But there's something I have to do.

Okay.

Can I tell my parents about the visor?

Yes, but you have to wait until I'm gone.

Okay.

Goodbye, Jeremy.

Goodbye.

Begin pre-flight.

Let's get out of here.

It would take a full turn around a star, but the builder would finally make his weapon.

A weapon that used dark ideas to harness dark forces.

The builder faced a cursed god,

and the weapon he would use to defeat him would be equally cursed.

The ones he loved would find it abhorrent,

but the ones he loved were nowhere to be found.

The builder was alone.

And when we are alone, we go to the darkest places.

Status.

Fuel enrichment at 95%.

Alert me at 100%.

Work's almost done, old man.

It's mounted on the hull, and it'll be ready to launch any minute now.

Fine.

Hello, this is Hannes Ilmuzakia.

You've reached my comms node.

I'm currently residing in the Sidious Colony Candidates, and these messages may take a while to reach me.

Please be patient.

Hey, Hannes.

I imagine after I disappeared on you, you got real worried I had some nefarious purposes.

I wanted to leave you this message to let you know that I don't have any dark designs, okay?

Playing this out in my head,

you probably approached Sidgeus with our design, and they probably had a nice big Sidian freakout.

If there was one particular Sidian involved in the conversation, it may have been revealed who it really was that visited your house a while back.

So,

my name is Laif.

If you check the Ted's top 10 most wanted list,

actually, you won't find me there because they think I'm dead.

I am dead.

But also not.

It's complicated.

Full disclosure, Hannes?

I built it.

There is currently a fully operational cow catcher attached to the hull of my ship right now.

And it's almost at full fuel enrichment.

And yes,

I am going to fire it.

But my target isn't in the triad.

It's much farther away.

It's headed toward Cryptesia.

A place called the Egg.

Ask a pirate.

They'll tell you all about it.

I'll launch it in just a few minutes.

It will travel up out of the system and head towards Cryptesia.

It'll reach the speed of light within the first day of travel.

After that, it will increase its speed for years.

By my estimation, it'll take about six and a half Earth years to get there.

By the time it reaches its target,

it will be going faster than maybe anything in the universe has ever traveled.

Pretty amazing accomplishment.

Too bad it's a weapon.

I'm not going to attempt to tell you why I'm doing this.

You're going to have to trust me.

Yes, I realize how laughable that is.

You've got a great family, Hannes.

I'm trying to protect them.

Fuel enrichment at one hundred percent.

Okay,

Showtime

launch beginning launch sequence

Eat shit, Croc.

Launch successful.

I'm going to drink myself to sleep.

Set a proximity alarm at 0.5 parsecs.

Proximity alarm at 0.5 parsecs.

His creation unleashed.

The builder dwelt in in darkness now.

There is comfort there in the darkest places.

Despite the absence of light, we know our dark places well.

They are with us always, tempting us away from the sunrise, away from the laughter, away from what could be.

Jesus Christ, what

identify ship in proximity boundary?

No ships in proximity boundary.

Great, nice work.

I'm going back to sleep.

The fuck is that

Full range scan for vessels.

Full range scan.

No vessels detected.

Then what is that sound?

Bring up external cameras.

Nothing.

The fuck is that sound?

I don't recognize that sound.

Vent plasma from thrusters two and four.

Venting plasma.

What the fuck?

How'd he lose the arm?

Honestly, he hasn't been coherent since the gate shock set in.

He doesn't get gate shock.

That doesn't make any sense.

Gate shock is the only term I have for what he's going through.

I don't really know what's happened to him.

His foot, too.

Arm and foot.

But it's curious, I have no idea where they came from.

I can't identify the manufacturer or the technology.

They're more elegant than anything available in the triad.

Could Could he have made it himself?

Doubtful.

He

always had an aversion to biological interfaces.

Rough crossing.

How did I get here?

Yeah.

Sit down.

A long time ago, I got a message from you.

At least,

I think it was you.

You told me about a nice, quiet place on a mountain, and I thought to myself,

this is not the man I knew.

Who is this person?

I ignored at first.

I'm not sure what to do.

My life is complicated.

I don't have time for mysteries, so you know, I get on with things.

And it sits there in my inbox for a very long time.

And then

one day news breaks across the triad.

Something called Midnight Burger, crisscrossing the triad, riling up the locals.

And there

you are.

This

is

also

not the man I knew.

It wasn't the man in the message.

It wasn't the man that.

You know.

So.

So who the fuck am I talking to right now?

It's me.

I know it's you, idiot, but

who are you?

I can't stay on Earth.

That'll just make it worse.

I'll get out of here and hitch a ride somehow.

I didn't come here on purpose.

Earth, huh?

Yes.

What?

Come outside.

Why?

Get up and come outside.

Come on.

What are we doing?

You remember that sexy thing you used to do where you'd look up at the sky and you could tell exactly where you were just by looking at the stars?

No instruments or anything, just that brain of yours.

Remember that?

I guess.

Look up.

What?

What the fuck?

Where the fuck am I?

Welcome to the horizon.

What were you listening to?

Nothing.

Are you listening to that music again?

No.

We're forbidden from listening to swear dancing.

I wasn't listening to swear dancing.

Anything on the scans?

No.

Not yet.

They told us the ship disappeared in this nebula.

It has to be here somewhere.

Maybe we're in the wrong nebula.

Is it the Kyla Ren Nebula?

It's the Kyler Ren Nebula.

Then we're in the right nebula.

It just looks like purple mist everywhere.

We'll find it.

Our sensors don't work very well here.

Then let's go home and tell them we gave up.

Would you like to do that?

I'm just saying it's going to take a long time.

Then it takes a long time.

These are our orders.

Okay.

Fine.

Were you listening to square dancing?

Yes.

You're gonna get us both sent back to processing.

I can't help it.

You can't help it.

Do you want to hear it?

Okay, put it on.

Oh crap, turn it off, turn it off.

There.

I can see it.

There's our missing ship.

Hail it.

Bombs aren't working.

It looks like it's drifting.

Get closer.

Okay.

It's definitely drifting.

What do you think happened to them?

Is that...

Is something written on the side of the hole?

Written?

Zoom in.

Okay.

Your dog hates their clothes?

What does that even mean?

What was that?

We're being boarded.

Some went out on the sea in ships.

They were merchants on the mighty waters.

They saw the works of the Lord, his wonderful deeds in the deep.

We need to get to the armory.

What was that?

Oh no.

Evening, gents.

How about I give y'all a half a minute to repent your sins?

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open at six.

Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Wilson, Billy, Burtbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Cowboy and Sasquatch hunts Bethany's, Bethany the Lone Star Edition, Joji the Birdwatcher, disguised as a Bethany, Aunt Buffy, and her uncle Denzo have agreed to help de-escalate the Bethany crisis.

Bailey Bethany Burr, the Bethany of Bethany's, Lady Bethany, aka Mrs.

Turkey Spit, Anomalous Bethany.

I pushed her.

Bethany, that is.

Bethany in a random place.

Alexandre Laroque has brought La Guillotine to assist the Bethanies in their survival war.

Vive la Révolution.

Bethany 2, Electric Boogaloo.

Wandering Bethany Biscuit.

Jalen Lanaris, secretly in Enby Bethany.

Wilbur Winklewright, Wristwatch Wrangler of West Worcestershire, bamboozled by the bajillions of bustling Bethany's Bethanies, belligerently blocking the sight of the devious Red Nell.

Rednell hiding in a crowd of Bethanies to avoid capture by Wily Wilbur Winklewright, wristwatch wrangler of West Worcestershire.

Bethany, hold the Beth.

Bubble Butt Bethany has banana breath.

Reese Pontiff still won't choose sides in the Bethany Wars.

Eris, Goddess of Bethany's.

Upschnart, the probability demolition expert will now perform his new spoken word jazz opera, a baffling biography of the brilliant battles of the bold and belligerent Bethanies.

Alphonse Suitperson, Knight of the Order of Bethany's.

But Bethany, I made biscuits.

Green Mountain Hermit might be allergic to Bethany stew.

Arnold Rumspringer, the demise of the Temple of Bethany's.

Whom, what, when, where, why, and Billy Rose would like to be at the beginning to say hello to all the Bethanies no matter the disputes.

Billy Rose stole my Bethanies.

Byro the Mother Vuggin Dragon is willing to solve the Bethany crisis with Yahtzee.

The Julio's Bohannant Foundation, the coalition of patrons named Bethany, and contributions to your TED station from viewers like you.

Glorbnar 7, now granting refugee status to victims fleeing the Bethany Wars.

Hicks Bethany Mates, still Casper's number one fan, but now armed with a quantum spatula and ready to duel every Bethany in the multiverse with breakfast wisdom.

I'm Ava's evil twin sister, Bethany.

Bethany the 23rd stirs their spring brew with an errant popsicle stick.

My hot wife Bethany calls this show Spaceburger all the time.

Tybalt the Bethany.

There are only 105 MB fan fiction and no Bethany.

Dr.

DeBertbert Law and Dubertbert Douay have joined the peacekeeping force and believe peace in the Bethany conflict is possible.

Mr.

Squizzle Sizzle Wizzle Fizzle the Horrendous, secret co-conspirator behind the long-ongoing Bethany War.

If war is your game, Bethany is your name.

Bethany wandering in a green field.

My milkshake brings all the Bethany's to the diner.

Dr.

Professor Reverend Bethany Wethany Lethany Woofy McFluffenberger, MDPHD Esquire, did not get the memo about our new policy for 128-character usernames.

Please contact our office, Doctor.

Chase and her army of turtles join the Bethany War.

CJ's Big BBQ Bistro for Bethany's.

N.B.

Bethany's Cut Your Car in Half With the Laser Saw.

Zachary DeFeo, Kevin Winans, Marlon C., Renee Paris, Aurora Blue, Cherish Hellfire, Lycan Lady, Midnight Club, Knox, Lisa Liu, Emmett Hale, The Triad's Baddest Goblin, Emery and Lano, James Miles, Dave Sadler, Alari Hamilton, Max Ania and Yvonne's Mark, Minion Simone Mimi Davis, Misty Dawn Mitchell Jr., Wayne Barrahona, Jesse the Dragon Rider, We Will Not Rest Until Puerto Rico and Palestine are free.

Kaylee Heights, Radio Ghoul, Nissy's Mom, Poké Splort, Joseph J.

Pierce, Zephyr Vitriol, Altreon, Riley Flynn, Spey Reales, William Lemoyne, Jen and Britt, Adriana Bartolomucci, Jonah is Gay, The Midnight Ashes, Hornetti, Balion Fair, Unpaid Intern that can barely afford the $10 a month, but fuck it, you guys earned it.

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Eloise Waffles, The Floof Wrangler, Aki the Space Druid, Phantomland TTRPG Dice, K-8 is Curiouser, Moxie, Little Birch and Her Beaches, Jason, HVAC Tech for the Diner's Deep Freeze, Aaron James Tyrone Barlow the First of His Name, S.K.

Phoenix, Glitch the Gamer Error, Zephyr Foxworth, Ted Ted and Teddy, Merry Face Aviation, Luan Cherry, Peppermint Pearl the Interdimensional Space and Tea Time Witch, Ashley Brown, The Cashier at the time-spanning interdimensional Aldi, Banjo Buscalo, Full Beans, Gloria's Forgotten Ford Festiva, Brandon Wright, Imdas Boot, This Is For You, Mark Scott, Rosie Mum, Slater Morales, Big Willow, the replacement proctologist for the Justine Burbank system, Max Powers, Angel Vasquez, Terra, Stephen Raymer, J.

Carp Fishman, The Great Goblino, Low Oxygen, Michelle Hopper, Nye, Lilac Marcella.

The pressure to come up with a clever username has kept me from subscribing for too long, so fuck it.

Your majest, Stealth, Temporal Hasbrown, Diane Brown, Mags, Captain No Sleep, The Slim Reaper, Ruben Eden, Smedley P.

Snodgrass III, The Shreveport Bohannans, Cece the Umbrella Mage, Bradbury Sasquatch, Din, Mel, Lack of Lifestyle, August the Schmoggest, and Hosfest, Ashley Davis, Mousy, Leaf is a silly goo-woo-woo-woo-woos, Postmaster General Kwan sent me, Blake Busmagian, Nitwit14, Royaled way

too harshly, DJ Johnny B, the superficially, extra-judicially municipality of trying to make Joe run out of breath or flub his words.

Marco Montano, Shiny Fields, Adam Tacek, Christopher Wendell, Alanus Morissette, Dana Fluffer, Paul Sepher, the Paulist of Paulism, Spencer F., Zombie Spider-Man, Alondra, The Sorcerer Sanguine, and the Pretty One with the Face.

Bex823, Auntie Cryptid, Barry Heap, Gas Mask Penguin, Mime Ninjas Ninja Mime, Master Oogwe, Barry, Dilly is Dallying, Podcast Junkie, Futile Screaming at the Ocean, Fox Hatlin, Dylan Karoni, Peter Vamasdam, Penny Sparkles, Slider, Dimitri, Julian Rhodes, Maple Emily, The Gayest Library Janitor in Indiana, Laf Shart's Waffles Now, Physic the Goodbush, Scout Mistress and her phalanx of intergalactic Eagle Scouts, TED Talks, TED Talks at Nonday Burger, Vapus 10's Big Black Gaping Hole, Gubrius, Bruce, Jessica Guyogamma, Scott Dickinson, Toracle, Jenny the Bear, Grr, Bellringer, Serdine Thorne, Dreach, Josie Jones, Mr.

Fibble is Very Cross, Hot Potato, Dr.

Mojo Tinker Gestalt, I Skip Leg Days, Shane Burke, LA Woman in PDX, The Secret Recipe, Dorothy Graves, Miss Luann, a British Woman with Cute Dogs, Cup of Noodles, Is, Killjoy and Lovebug, Nicholas Griffith, Mark Jackson, Matt Grigsby, Justin Smallin, Riku 31, Craig Dundee, The Names Knight with a K, Astral C, Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me Too, Guy with the Chops, Sam, Bagel Knife, Inmelda and Scott, Courtney Cochrane, Lily Starling, Ryan K, Ulfheimer, Nate, Forklift Lifts Forks for Cliff, Vince M, Brick Brick, Chip, Radio Free Relia, Amanda Nascarella, Violin Loves Biddy, Joanna Banks, Brian Pasley, Suwoobasa, Grena, Piston Whip, Captain Ducky, Retro Dagwood, Josh from Accounting, Satsuma, Silliest Goose, Icy Axe, Shane, Cassad, Norwin Murgler, The Star Set Messengers want to know how that vanilla flavor is treating you.

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Engnor, A.T.B., Kiwi Lovelybead, Zoe, Professor Freyda, Michelle Spurgeon, Jack the Sleepy, Garrett, Son of Defarge, Wisco Teach, Scott A.

Snellgrove, Casper's Cult, Sam Alema Ding Dong, Sarah, That's It.

Just Sarah, Ricardo Golumba, Kari's Crafty Cloaking Devices LLC, We Weave Em of Gossamer, Hanadon, Deeringer, Penny the Wonder Dog, and Bucky von Buckbuck, Kentex Oridian, Cherry Appleby, Medium Rare Extra Toasted Bun, Saucy Caesar, Belt, Unemployed Assassin Snowplow, Mick J67, Ava's Favorite My Little Pony Pencil, Is this thing recording?

Mr.

and Mrs.

Drifter, Terran, Nathaniel Lee Industries, Lord Entropy, Bach Bach Motherfucker, Everybody's Favorite Clown Splotchy, Pinstrike Algorithm, Alyssa's Shiny Pants, Gondor Calls for Aid, Muscles for Tits, Teratopsis, Kitty McSkull, Raven Stromdans, Hapless Novelist Passenger of the Dimensionally Impermanent and Temporarily Incontinent Bookshop Cafe The Wild-Eyed Prophet, Tessa Craig, Perfectly Personalized Disaster, Richard Schofeld, Jim Turner, Felix Sullivan, Big Chunk, Gadides, Sasha the Wandering Chaos God and His Peculiar Posse, Boom Boom's Wooden leg.

Will the real Muadib please stand up?

Kitty Cat and Lollipup can't get enough of this.

Eudon, Tracy Baby, Leia.

Is that the Chris Hancock who traded weekly soup for the use of my kitchen table?

A singular nightbird.

I am the lizard frantically firing flachette guns.

Bumblefei, Mr.

Epsilon, the Mothman, Long-Haired Matt, Lenny Harris, Robert W., Brilzebub, Krezimira, Jessa Lorin, Mayday Hoops, Telltale Raven, Myth and Stitch Embroidery, Loves the Mucklewains, Lulu Louise, Dulio, The Brew Crew Family, Burt Ruba, Jeffrey George, Even Older Whimsy, Ellie, Don't Tariff Me, Bro, Oopsie, Elob, The Wizard Mooses holds out their cap for you to pet.

Grimlore, Existential Pancakes, Jenny Waboom, M.

Horowitz, Isle of Refuge, Cappy, Jack Spider's Mom, Tyler Edwards, Llama Fresh, Jare the Benevolent Destroyer, Valtiel Heller, Raven the Red Beard Wizard, Burt Burt and the Funky Bunch, Carora the 12th, Shh.

Just listen.

Damian Fletterjohn, ZomCon.

Welcome to the Kwan Pound.

Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen.

Mr.

Muchacho Kaiserschnitzel, Leader of the Truffle Puffs Fight Club.

The Wolves in the Deep Freeze Say Awoo.

Julie Hammond, Sanctuary Moons Number 2 fans.

Simpson, Jason DeVries, Alice Lewis, Astor, Amy Burkett, Even Older Liz, McBearcat, Astro, Your Friendly Neighborhood Android, Moonlight Zombie Fox, Old Doc Racy, the Midnight Missionary, out there somewhere looking for you.

Grandma Panty, JS, Eldritch Ender, Artist Dragonborn, Bigby Garage, Shaloma, Bill Zangana Lester, Joaquin Jimenez, Muffins, Space Wives, Chad Hatter, Captain Jack Harkness Wants Peter the Robot, Oreo, Oreo, no wait, pineapple, actually never mind, Oreo, Banana Manaz, Akorgi Cold Kibble, Cuddly Kraken, Life's Alode Studio and his wife MegaNator, The Game, Axel Light, Sarge the Bard, Seminity, Tim, LL Cool Mint Jams, The Other Original Caitlin, Ken Daddy, Celestiani, Jaded Umbra, Millie Was Taken, Hanus, Ben Camp, Shan Man Man Man, Karma Karma Chameleon, Kinran, Wabajack, Zoe and Her Army of Dice, Daniel, Sammy the Baby Seal, Dr.

Bootiologist the Glutes Doctor, Hood's Pocket Tourism Association reminds you that loner pants can be found outside City Hall.

Enjoy your stay.

Tobias Ewing, thank you for pressing too.

Your Anglophone Emotional Support Canadian request will be processed in the order in which it was received.

Queen Surly Jess, R.I.P.

Lance McLean, You Would Have Have Midnight Burger.

Adam Tokelove, Dr.

Bitchcraft, Sassy Cat the Space Vixen, Claire Rock, the size 2 fish you've been looking for, Iokai, Borja, Natasha Without Boris, Spiders Are Cuddly, Lafayette Lasagna Lovers 1, Main Immortal Billy Rose that Has All the Corn Dogs, Sin City Scuba Steve, Polywog, Jinx the Cat would like to offer you biscuits, Michaela White, Professor Thaddeus Snookums VIII, Mr.

Grin, Glenn Petrofsky, True Trans Traveler, This Moment of Silence So Joe can catch his breath is brought to you by Rick Tyler, Elizabeth Hammond, Cheap CheapCon.

Yeah, you heard me, Greg, Laramie, and Drop.

Cheapcon, Fonchbrunglen, Steam Vision, Conductor of the Interdimensional Time Spanning Hype Train, Dave Harold, Wise Cube, Dirty Diaper Fussbutt, and the Piggy Runt.

Bromine, pronounced Bro, Mine, Main Habdinga, Mother of Pearl, El Ching Gon, Sealface, Rigger Mortise, Megan's Things, Things Meghan Makes, Shiny Fields, Magical Maggie, Trebek's Reject, Prophet of the God of the Mucklewains, Matthew with Two T's, The First T is Silent, Igneous Burp, Darth Ox.

This brief pause is brought to you by Michelle Kay's Wish for Joe to catch his breath.

Aaron Arnold, Mama Mander B-Raz, and Sluntmaster J.

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Cheshire Corgi, Old Kelsey No Shoes, Zeldia, Dizzy Flame, Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana, Sasha, Beth and Alan Ben Gillis, Langston North, Brought to You by Communism, Timothy Aotis, Chance Wants You to Know He Cares, Wolfstark, Adrian Vance, Elliott, Natalie Bartlett, Rory of Yin, Mubi the Golden Calf, Giovanni Salinas, Rocky G, Perry the Pirate, Aaron Elizabeth, Kay Narcotics, Solomon Price, Daydream, Angela Sanchez, Bubba485, aka Schimmelbach the Christmas Whale, Kaiju Sommelier, Stella Corvus, JP the I.T.

Guy, Candyman Fight, John Peters, you know, the farmer, Barkley on the Holodeck, Dapper Dad, SCP-049, Oh Magis, Raven the Dreamer, TK Turtle King, Mike M, Space-Based Lasers, Captain B and Lady G with their swabs, Mr.

Steamwave, my friend Rhino says, be nice.

Dream Founder, Huckleberry, Elizabeth T, Ty Ty the Wonder Hamster, and her dear darling Duke, Gus, Coco Yumi is painting ponies, Huggamuffin, Bigfoot of Doom, D.L., Annie Atkins, Crandyman the Pug Whisperer, Garrow, Nick Gomez, Our Cats Said to Tell You, Meow, Bag of Oats, Benjamin Ortiz, Mr.

Frog President, Pop Rock Quicksand, The Bene Yapper, Abenasso, Trina Ward, Ada, Spooky Spader Storytime, William Kent, Andy, The McJimmies from Your Local Dimension, Xavier Killingsworth, Reformed Colonel Reb, Mimetic Hygienist, Rogue Art, Aaron Starr, Claude DeClaus, Spunky Dan, Rachel Seymour, Chis Alfredge the Bullheaded Professor, Professor, Ed Boy, Ryan Finelli, Jonathan Kay,

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V., Effie Rawlings, Megan Hazen, Philip, Your Dad is Not Your Dad, Nick Borough, Midnight Blumber, Mr.

Cherry Loves Baby Bok Choy, Happy Anniversary, Our Ass is in the Jackpot, Tubby Teddy, Weinheiser, India Inkblot, Slev of Muhammad, Omi Gracie, The True Mega Mike, Fred and George, The What Weekly Media Database, Ava Maddox Jr., Liza Wirth, Cass Williams, Yeet My Boy, 46 Tool Shed 2, and El Marie Catastrophe, The Image Collector, Blended Music, Lexicon.

Definitely Not Kevin.

Sitting Squirrel.

Patricia E.

Melt Missed Everyone.

A round of yargs on the house.

Red the Gray, the Silver Crow, Couch Potato Alex, Neverchild, Dr.

Nassos, Interdimensional Biologist.

Kiboko Du Nord.

Lil Kev, Kozamine.

Jonathan Burton.

Mr.

Man and Lady.

Lucas Barding.

DJK DJK.

Taryn says, hey, Oreo's our rabbit.

Sandalwood Mountain is an odd way to refer to Hawaii, but it worked for Henry.

Whimsical Fuckery.

Megan with an H.

Hey, it's me again.

Warranty Lady.

what happened to us?

You never return my calls anymore.

Did we lose our spark?

Patricia the Time Lord.

Is it though?

Mango Connoisseur.

Britty Bug and the Quirky Jester.

The Big Moose.

Glory Cole.

Janelle Miaonet's Cat Butler.

O'Shin Liu.

Alex Berry.

Andrew Oakden.

Asymmetrical Exile.

Magpie Cat says everything's a bag of holding if you know how to pack.

Alex Spence, Galaxy Britches, Angry Ron, Dominus Caesar, Durkadub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, The Wild Thistle, Most Likely Cass.

James Harlow has decided decided he's ready to see the claw.

I'm Not Joe's Dad.

Jasmine James, Dr.

Caber Ant, also known as Omni, thanks, Waffle Chateau, Colorado Beekeeper, Fruitcake, Anatha, Zandria, Jennifer McCalkins, Guacamolio, Midday Burger, Don Parks, Throat Goat666, Princess Leia, Prime Freak, They Call Me Pie Guy, Imperial Grand Poobah of the Burgerverse, Droid Pirate Findlay and his Rubinesque Parrot, Droid Pirate Findly and his Rubinesque Parrot.

Stuck in a pit of Skittles, Drunken Coyote, Gix the Norwegian Viking impersonator, deflator mouse, Tony Piakarsky, Adrian R., Kimber Derp, Sandy the Bobandy, Crazy Thadley, the Harbinger Pulsar, Cremulous is just happy to be here, the Twisted Twixter, The Rural Juror is a massive fan, Faye Queen, Showtime, CR Iptid, For My Mother, Homer, Are We Doing Crimes, CCTX Girl6823 Waiting on the Diner, Nicole Studioso.

I recommend you sign my shovel.

Kay the unsecured penguin is not to blame for the helicopter crash in South Africa.

Truck Stop Sandwich, Indigo Escargo, Love My Captain, Joe Mauma, Castric, Ames Affection for Internet Protection, Retro MG, Night Script, The Gainesville Fear Garden, Happy Birthday Lana Banana, Utred and Rose's Viking Void Vittles, Fueling the Intergalactic Fight Against Fascism.

Not Sure What I'm Doing.

Leah Rose, River Brown, Senior Deuce, Warped Writer, Tim Nacy, Ruben Klamso, Terwin, Hugh the Mini Mungo, Morgan Brockman, Sylvie, Glennis Thompson, Betty White Eat 13, Good Grief People I Need to Breathe, Laramie Wall, Starscribe, Lucian Thunderstruck,

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Me Pod, A Cat Named M, Potito Pato, Palace, Ethan Cobb, Big Moe, I am Annie, I live forever in every moment I've existed.

I swear to every star in the cosmos, I never forgot it was a gift.

The Stone Fox, Mrs.

White in the hall with a laser saw, Solivia, Juiciton, Papitos, Boomhauer, Ninja Grim Reaper, Miles Nelson, prove to me that orange cats aren't gods.

Britwards, Ashleysaurus, Momo's Mama, Hold My Yarg, Ivy Paisley, Toast, Sue Watts, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution, Transdimensional Delivery Man, Matt Lock, Lord of the 13th Sea, Mr.

Trigvy, Printing with Cats, Khaleesi Del Mar, Dixie Dinah, River Waters, 7,000 Possums, Sarah Jack's Sparrow Space Pony, Revibe, Debbie E, Emma, Mr.

and Mrs.

Owo, Dusty Ventures, Ronnie Porter, Gloria's Line Cook, Eagle Rock Lobster, The Gabbiest Painter and Her Bird of Fire, Wandering Wenjo, Painted Oni, Q Dell, Pharrell, Betty Hayes and the B-Team, Emily with Two E's, Spaceman Nathan, Ramsley's Niblick III, Kerplunk, Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble?

Mad Goat, Jackie Wavelet, Issa the Straga, D.

Greitzler, A Gremlin with the Munchies, Michelle Scaracchio, Genuine Jacob, Andy's Brain is Weird, Space Rooster Randy Doing Crimes, Leopard Donut, Poofy Thang, Mellow Nuggets, Keychain Crap, Mat Matt Sharkman, Steelo, Arcadia, Bumbling Lily Bee, Buffy's Daughter, a quick pause so Joe can sip from his tiny teacup

Buffard D's Nuts, Panda, Curtis Lellick, Kennedy Allison Farmer, Tristan Stoles, Dalen Y, Shadow Rapture, Yet Another Nicole, Hank the Wonder Llama, Russell, Zephyrus Wind, Just a Regular Fox, Jeremy Impson, What the Hell, Cineplex, and all the black people in North Carolina.

Just Rachel, Danger Girl, Atlas Bear, Patty the Ginger, Ava's Cigarette Ash, Tim Lynch, Boysenberry, aka the Boys, A, Zeus, Anaphylaxis, Scav with Comtax, The Shapeshifting Sad Girl, and her girlfriend say, Joe, you've done it again.

Sarah Nicole, The Kells, Angry Leaf's Laser Saw, Magnus Aerochill, Amy Perry, Christopher Kai, Source Decay, Skexis, Randy Zamigo, Katie Mermaid, and the Delinquent Duo, Norman, Nicole, Victor Schauberger reincarnated as White Mountain Hillbilly Glitter Cupcake, Max Dangers, Security Chief Shatzi, The Anxious Peach, Team Michelle and Billy, Nayanix Reno, Frankentener, Nordalbash, Jordan, Arwin X Belasco, Ryan Rosinski, Average Height, Medium Rage, Audio Monkey, Joe, Team Hefeweisen, Monica and Mason K, Tony Wants to Be Laife, Rowan, Lady of the Black and Herald of the Stars, Pistachio Inc., Arianne Can't Manage Normal, Ryan Burnett, The Joyful Nihilist, The Temid Ghost 23, Dr.

Dr.

B, Zoprez and the Bumble Army, Growing Into My Farm Boots, Geneva Boss, Brothers of the Cosine, Uncivil Gnomes, The Rat Queen Evelyn, Great Lunch Conversation, The Other Scott, Letty Lou.

He was a shifty one, that Nick Howard.

Kinger was here.

Bobby Ray Winland Jr.

Bebop Bidaba Doo Wop, Warped Echoes, Slabs BicTerps, Robert Otardis, He's Bigger on the Inside.

Jeremiah Franco, Justin the Nick of Time, Gothic Rainbow, So We Made It, Cody McClure, MC Hadley, Eternal Champion, Jingalos, Hasmatilda, Dirty Bay, Just Your Average Reese, Kyle Church, I Am a Lafe on the Wind, Static Ego, Some Fucking Swamp Wizard, Lolly, Evan M.

Dobson, Dave B, Sean C.

How Did I Get Here?

Oh God, is that the soup?

Going to be lit.

I am Shaggy, Captain Emerald L, Wayne Hall, Danny Mars, Frank and a Field, Fuzzle McBumpernits, Neelix Tiny Wolf, Asher the Raven, Christina Sennett is teleporting, BRB,

Shane R., the Wandering Welshman, whatever Tabby, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Capo the Sartorius, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, BLTN, The Kiwi Duckling, Dana Dana Bobana, Fifi Fofana, Dad and Aubrey, the Dirt Bike Demons, Tequila Mockingbird, Snuffle Up Agoose, Damarin the Space Goblin, Iso Pale, Oh no, a B.

I am Lord Zoltan, hear me roar, Pocket Ghost Max, Nate the Milkman, Mags the Conqueror, Wes and Heather have made it.

My cat's name is Beef.

Eric, Katie Kate, get your colonoscopy, Victor Cassados, Emily Shmemily, Work for Melvis, Bohogo, Bye-bye for Jojo, Pogo, that's a no-go, bro.

Cody Monster, Tybo, Miss Nixie, Karen Gallagher, Kyle Perino, okay ladiesware, Sid the Sloth on a Bike, Priya Gandhi, Wandering Mermaid, understands the assignment, Lil Stevie Pie, Two Polar Cat, Carl the Teller of Dad Jokes, Skylab's Multidimensional, Multiphasic Intergalactic Quantum Cyberverse, Verde Soul, Galen Miller, Tess, Geriatric Young'un, Mystic Hippie, Unforkable, Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacons, Pyro's Calling, Joe Suasian, Banjo Cat, Too Many Jans, Catjot, Pamela Rose Eltierra, Then Steena says, Thug Tweed, Nicole DG, Countess of Carbon, Slappy the Squirrel's Ted Slapping Rampage, Luminous Elk, Rodian Caution, Love is for the Neards, Taz Hernandez, Captain Crash and the Surviving Crew, Casper Needs a Hug, Joe is the Writer's Room, Awkward Heretic, Devin7777, Troy Acker, Mandy Kane, Northerly Keebler, Lost Basan, Kim Sell, Silly Goose, Honk Honk, Admatha, Astro Unit, Ghost Saber Wolf, The Sleepy Mystic, Sarah Joy, Taters, Precious, Teddy of the Wasteland, It's Just Steve, Sweets Martinez, Char Noble 610, Mere Tender Creatures, Amanda Short, Chut Brimble, Mike Whiskey and Your Friend Frosty, No Saguaro, Ben Bar, Zven the Unlikely, Cognito Hazard Expunge, Ted Wasanasen, Virestria, Spoomples, Nicole, I Love You, but I will name Kid 2 Brathar, Fernwood Gal, Horn Swaglin Daniel Arthur, Mike Laclusi, it's a, it's a fucking dog rapture, Abigail Yodale, heehoo,

King Humble, we'd better ask Dave, Wind Chimes for Safety, Cameron Winterborne Welsh, Fireball XL5, Mackenzie Duna, Alexica Habaniera, Code Stranger, One Batty Bat,

Matt N, Julia Kringlin, Monad Nick, Frelp, M.

Lin, Feed Mafish, JRR on SFP, Lahari, Teds Loves Catherine, J Spark, Lucid Harbor, Little Mira Leopard Paws, Diet Knight, Mars Royalty, Take 20 Damage, Maisie's Bandstand, Kimbob, Battle Pope and Bugaboo, Snorts Magorts, Fresh Squeezed, Patrick Holt, Atlas B, Hold it Now, Hold it Now, Hold It Now, Hold it Now Hit it, Had it, Hit it, Hot It, HUD It Bradley Ashby, Peter, Megan Okio, Vicki Aber, Brad Manier, Jane, Hannah Dale, Phantom Zone, Stabby Cacti, Crystal Delightful, Gruntled, Killshot Betty and her steel-eyed bow, Turtles All the Way Down, Jackie Lowie, The Little Pigeon, Crazed Bear, Dr.

Lattice Trash Angel riding past you on a bike smeared head to toe in blackberries,

Crafty Lizard Quilts, Noble Barrel, Andy Croft, Yes, my brain is weird, thank you, Bippity Boppity Boom, Megan the Meg Young, Baby Bears Love the Diner, Corey Morose, Russell Bunny, Max Savage, Apprehensive Craig, Tim Aranetta, Bacon, Nicole Studioso, Rambo, Chaos Squatcher, Jimmy Snims, Lord Than and Lady Sarah, Mary Kirby, Stephanie Sturgis, Kirsten, Hurry Up and Wait, Sarah Farmer and Her Prismatic Chickens, Criddle, Twillow, Heidelberdy, Tom Webster, Rashmi Vinkatesh, McClump, Azana the Leathersmith, Rad Dolls, The Bard with the Tuba, Hayward's Finest, Garen Elizondo, Terrified Toddler, Sir Shitzalot Strikes Again, Damn Animal, Elspeth, Skyland, ALR, Sidewalk Jam, Tonka 2005, Cruisin' B.

Anthony, J.

Way Mythical, Stephen Schmidt, Xavier Romo, AlleyFrog, Trey the Turquoise Tortoise, Freya Titmittens, Courtney the Frogologist, The Fontucky Wrangler, Scrim Brulee, The Singing Loon, Zusana, Celeste Yos, I'm So Antigone Fun, Noah and Katie, Hendrix the Stink, Sarah Murphy, The Ambergler, Boodles, Osvaldo Simeone, Siobhan Delilah Rose, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Ryan Ortega, Barbarian Bloodbath, The Defenestration of Teds, Corinne Sabrantha, Shadow Daddy, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, K-Mac, The Something Something Detective Agency, Hayabuddha, Eli the Electrician, Sonny D.

Anomaly, Charmay, The Wondrous Methazophon, Post-Turtle Evacuation Squad, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Finnegad Robert, Samira, Flat Doug, Trinket Coralie, Deary Darling, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Gracefully Impaired, Tired Pirate Muffin, Steve King, Laura, Roman Ronin, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, Inshuligan, Cryptesia, Rebecca Trossel, Chris from Tacoma, Mitzi Liu, Kelsey Home, Amanda Marie Kathraine, Damien Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, All My Homies Hate Croc the Propagator, Mac Mosby, Saint Fu, Harry Fishnuts, Joshua Cody, Astronaweeb, Magnose the Civil Gnome, Ghostblade Heidelon, Starlight, David Pierini, Techno Ranger Rick, Brett Zimmerman, Blaine Vitovich, Naya Venturi, Luca Vecchito, Kellati Arena, Fall of the Berlin Wallaby, Elijah Sharp, Elizabeth Sells, Robert Savat, Roseberry Prim, Michelle Myers, Richard Ryan Moschel, Glenn Morris, Lauren Mayer, Snorp, Britt Littlefair, Anthony Anthony Lakey, Boot Skooton Dave, Josie Jones, Meredith Jester, Jake the Cook, V.

Greenlee, D.

Flower, Jessica Engela, Kevin Dottri, Martin Deers, Andrea Crowther, Entropy Eigenbasis, Stephanie Book, Lauren Benner, Drink Spiller, Thomas Adams, Ryan Abbey, Whisperdan, Mad Maddox, Arwin the Freer, Fridge Pickle, Jacqueline Snyder.

I hope something good happens to you today.

Yes, you, Stephen Duro, Dan Gentry, Ron Hayden, Joe's Wheeze Laugh, Virgo Aries Infinity, Best Buds Danny and M, A Bug Named Nat, Cece Ryder, Hunter B, Rudra, Death the Kid, Big Whiskey, Ul Cockanator, Magic Pony, Robert Oliveri, Dan Bowman, Paul A.

Johnson, Killer Odd, Dandy Bay, Dr.

Puntgusher Esquire fears that every day now is The Cats Bother Dad Friday, Creator67, Bajolanth, Laif's One True Love, Mermaid of the Dark Seas, Cosmic Shrug, Incorrigible Ross, Deborah Wales, SCRB Mark11, Courtney Depona, Maggie's Yarm, Stew, Enth Anomaly, Megan Mighty, Purple Saline, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Drew Drew and LA, Captain Blepp, Eevee Power, Your Favorite Kenny, Terry, PJ Says What?

Danielle L.

Fear Now Doesn't Polish the Shiny Melon.

Blargo Blargo Blargo.

Brayden.

Tonight at 11.

Lorak the Barbarian S, Zealous Pragma, Tuba Rick, It's Just Blake.

Alice Malice asks, how many chains could two chains chain if two chains could chain chains?

Sir Cat Dad, Kelly Jane Danky, Aaron the Optimist, Thomas Stolen, aka Casper from Another Universe, Chadney Ashra, Lucrezia, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa, Ava, no not that, Ava, the one with the

Grim says, Trans rights, y'all, Zekinat, Spizzeringtum, Michael Christian, Ransom, Brun Maisalil, Grolix and Terrabang, Late Indeed Again, Theron Pyralis, Omvega, Dances with Burritos, Original Recipe, Aaron Mitchell, Lady Keanu Meissen, Onyx Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R.

the Hiker Bear, Velocicate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Maloran, Sweet Michelle, Kara, Colmy Zen, Calibri, Mel Momberg, Rogue, Lisa Geisler, India Holbert,

What the Chuck, Sono Nasuno, Ben and Jessica, Todd Van Voris, Nea DeRusso, Peachy Zatowichi, Inca the Kraken, Azula the Brave, and their ever-faithful squire Grabthar, Dalek Steve, Dancing Dog Dreams, and existentially, Exhausted Bean.

Start the recording.

And now we're not going to say anything funny.

Nope.

Not a single funny thing, Judy.

We're not going to tell you all of the butt stuff that we were just talking about.

So much butt stuff.

I'm not going to tell you about my professor who told me to wear thong underwear.

Nope, not talking about that.

We're not talking about pushing out your noise.

I think it was powering out your noise.

Power out your noise.

It's so fucking good, dude.

I'm sad we didn't catch up.

Power out your noise.

It's less funny when we talk about something that happened versus the thing happening.

Right.

Too bad.

Sorry, everybody.

It's telling your friend about a very funny thing, and it's just not as funny when you tell them because it's not a funny thing.

It's like, oh my God, I had this dream.

Instantly don't care.

It's never, it's, I,

I totally understand that people have fun dreams.

I,

they don't translate.

They are suddenly the most boring thing in the world as soon as somebody tries to tell me about them.

Yeah.

They don't translate.

Okay, if you're going to tell me about a dream, just tell me like a single funny thing, like a single less than 10 second funny thing about your dream.

Like, it's got to be sub-10 seconds or I'm checking out.

Exactly right.

I once had a dream in college that I beat a friend of mine to death.

See, that was sub 10 seconds enough, essentially.

And it fucked me up, right?

Because, like, I went to class and I saw this guy, and like, we were friends, but there's no reason for me to dream that I literally beat him and kicked him to death in my sleep the night before.

Oh, my God.

And I told him about it, and he thought it was the funniest thing you'd ever heard.

Honestly, I would probably think that's funny too.

If someone told me that they had a dream, they beat me to death.

Like, I was distraught.

I was like, I don't know how to look at you.

I don't know what to do.

And he's like, that's hilarious.

Power out your noise.

Ice gives you time.

That's it.

Better?

Okay.

Yes.

Joseph, use that take, please.

He's going to have such a fun time editing this.

He's probably not even going to listen to my track.

It's just going to be Shelly.

He's going to be like, why is she saying this word?

This one line over and over.

Tell him, Finley says use the last take.

Finley says use the last take, Joe.

Thank you.

Okay.

That was perfect.

So nice.

Power out your side.

I'm glad.

It's great.

Wear that thong.

Wear the hell out of that thong, Lady Macbeth.

Woo!

I'm being so fucking theater school abstract right now.

I hate myself.

No, this is good.

This is good.

This is everything I hated about undergrad school.

Okay.

No, this is good for me.

I literally have a keychain that says tummy troubles club.

Just like we're like, the whole thing's gonna go.

You know what I mean?

It's not just his hand that cuts off.

His whole fucking arm has gotta go.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Word.

Power out your noise.

So losing your arm in the Justine Burbank system, huh?

So when are we gonna get even older Ava?

I didn't know it was something I wanted until right now.

I'd watch yourself, Buster.

Okay.

As he thought of them, he issued a promise to the empty air.

I'm gonna kill every single fucking one of you.

You did it!

I did it!

Oh, that's so good.

I hope Joe agrees because if he doesn't, I hope so, he is incorrect.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

The power is ours.