510: The Pest of Both Worlds - Pt. 1

Speaker 1 This is Sea Red IT5, reminding you that our first live show in almost two years is coming up on October 3rd at the Bellhouse in Brooklyn.

Speaker 1 And now we're live streaming it so you can watch it from anywhere in the galaxy. Tickets and more info at missiontozix.space.

Speaker 1 And if you're in the New York area for the live show, come meet like-minded Zix fans at ZixCon 2021, a 6 fan meetup event organized by the Zix fan cast, complete with trivia, cosplay, a talent show, a panel featuring the cast, and more.

Speaker 1 Tickets at bitly/slash zixcon.

Speaker 4 Captain's log, start time 8.34115.

Speaker 4 The synergy has been tasked with a recon mission after receiving a distress signal from the Gusano sector.

Speaker 5 However, upon arrival, we found

Speaker 4 no ships at these coordinates. Highly unusual.

Speaker 4 Highly unusual.

Speaker 4 Dr. Tito.

Speaker 6 Uh, yes, Lieutenant Hendrix, yes.

Speaker 4 I was wondering if you were going into the reflactorium later. Uh, I've planned a few incredible simulations where we solve mysteries.
That's...

Speaker 9 Oh, well, that does sound like fun, but

Speaker 9 I have an appointment later this evening with my lab.

Speaker 11 In the future, I would love.

Speaker 10 I would love love to. Yeah, sure, totally.

Speaker 13 Right.

Speaker 4 Yeah, no, I definitely will ask you again now that you've rejected me once.

Speaker 4 Hendrix, status report. Ah, sir, no communication pings.

Speaker 7 De Kuiper.

Speaker 14 All the missions are ready to fire for when we come across the bad boys.

Speaker 4 And yet, no boys, bad or otherwise.

Speaker 16 I take exception to that, sir.

Speaker 4 My apologies, Ensign Phanta.

Speaker 17 Forgot you were here on the bridge.

Speaker 4 Tell me, is there anything on the long-range sensors?

Speaker 16 Negative, sir. If I didn't know any better, I'd think maybe this was sort of a trap.

Speaker 18 You're green as a salad.

Speaker 19 Thank you, Lieutenant O'Duel.

Speaker 4 You don't have to thank him for that.

Speaker 16 Well, I'm only 14.

Speaker 6 Speaking of, though, has everyone had their salad supplement today?

Speaker 6 I don't mean to be a nag, it's just that I think that everyone should be taking their vitamins a day. Dr.

Speaker 16 Tito, doesn't everything that comes out of the replicator have the exact same nutritional value?

Speaker 23 An excellent question.

Speaker 6 If you just come a little closer so we can talk about this.

Speaker 2 What are you trying to do?

Speaker 25 Trying to get me fired?

Speaker 26 No, I just.

Speaker 29 What is a doctor supposed to do on a ship where everyone's needs are met and no one gets sick?

Speaker 29 Keep it down!

Speaker 17 Well, if there's no one here, I'll be in my ready room.

Speaker 4 Number one, you have command.

Speaker 12 Hold on a second.

Speaker 16 Look at this.

Speaker 16 Three enormous objects heading our way.

Speaker 30 What in the galaxy?

Speaker 17 I want analysis.

Speaker 28 There, O'Dule, why aren't you on this?

Speaker 2 What is your purpose?

Speaker 20 I don't say much till we're hit.

Speaker 22 Status quo, Captain.

Speaker 20 Warp core at 100%.

Speaker 18 Excellent, O'Dule.

Speaker 4 I suppose we'll know soon enough if they're friend or foe.

Speaker 21 Well, actually, Captain, there's now a hail.

Speaker 4 We're receiving a hail from one of the ships.

Speaker 32 On screen.

Speaker 33 Captain Strock, it is nice to see you again.

Speaker 20 Space

Speaker 4 the last place you can go.

Speaker 4 These are the chronicles of the RSS Synergy, a perpetual quest to optimize workflows,

Speaker 4 maximize our own productivity,

Speaker 4 to support one another's mental health and well-being, and above all,

Speaker 4 bring them anywhere they'd like to go.

Speaker 20 Impossible.

Speaker 4 I myself strangled the last keck in the known galaxy on the surface of Darzax 4.

Speaker 33 And yet, here we are, Captain. And in this scenario, we have the upper egg sac.

Speaker 17 This is a hoax, a deception on your behalf.

Speaker 8 There's no way you could have rebuilt your swarm.

Speaker 33 No hoax, Captain. This is a perfectly executed trap.

Speaker 17 The hallmark of the Keck.

Speaker 33 I've been tracking the high-energy technology you've been developing, and it must come under the will of the Swarm.

Speaker 4 I don't know what you're talking about, Growamind, but I think you're a bit confused.

Speaker 36 Okay, I see it.

Speaker 22 It's those castaways. Oduel, explain.

Speaker 4 I gave them permission to build something for their ship.

Speaker 20 I didn't know it would involve so many quantum reactors.

Speaker 22 Quantum what?

Speaker 12 Reactors.

Speaker 7 What did you say? What would it do?

Speaker 4 I'm losing you completely, Odo.

Speaker 12 Reactors.

Speaker 37 Anyway, I don't know how it works, but they say they've discovered the key to instantaneous intergalactic travel.

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 38 I'm

Speaker 33 the key to instantaneous intergalactic travel is the apex goal of our evolutionary path.

Speaker 36 All right, AJ, let's go ahead and fire up that final reactor. You got it, my main squish.

Speaker 2 What? It's what?

Speaker 2 Firing it up the reactor. Okay, I don't.
I'm not loving that.

Speaker 35 Whoa,

Speaker 40 cool.

Speaker 3 You know, Nerman, I gotta hand it to you.

Speaker 32 When that engineer said they had figured out a way to get us back home, I thought it was gonna be really complicated, but they made it very simple.

Speaker 32 They gave us the recipe to plug into the replicator so we could print out all the parts of it ourselves. This is incredible.

Speaker 3 It's also just really kind of beautiful, right?

Speaker 24 Like those two interlocking metallic rings that kind of form a portal that Bargie's gonna fly through.

Speaker 29 And this adorable manual that they gave us. It's like all pictures with this little cartoon guy.

Speaker 2 They kept looking at me and saying that the instructions were idiot crew over and over.

Speaker 12 Yeah, they made a lot of direct eye contact with idiots.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Oh well, I'm rocking two Allen wrenches, so I'm able to really go.

Speaker 22 Yeah, wow.

Speaker 41 And bidextrous.

Speaker 18 One thing I wanted to mention, they have this giant thing that if we need to attach it to a wall, it won't tip.

Speaker 43 I don't think we're gonna no, I don't think we're gonna need to do that.

Speaker 46 Because the instructions, you can see there's a little kid, and it has the whole gate falling off the kid.

Speaker 10 And it's like external.

Speaker 6 I'll just make sure we won't let Horse Hat try to climb on it.

Speaker 24 Wow, that's really graphic.

Speaker 22 Yeah, it's pretty.

Speaker 38 But it's, I mean, very clear.

Speaker 48 Nermit, we're here.

Speaker 38 Nermit, hi.

Speaker 20 It's all undo. Hello.

Speaker 4 I told the others to come, you know, many Alan wrenches.

Speaker 48 Well, we got the letter, your tiny little letter that said, please help me.

Speaker 2 Hey, Sisu!

Speaker 40 Look at me!

Speaker 36 I've put it together, and I just have to hit it once with a hammer, and it's secure.

Speaker 46 Pretty cool.

Speaker 48 Yes, good job.

Speaker 32 We've turned on the reactors, and the test charge is going well. Yeah, we just need to plug these nine reactors into the ring when we finish building that, and then we're good to go.

Speaker 32 Bargie flies through it, we're back home.

Speaker 48 All right, Sisu's crew, we're going on the other side.

Speaker 22 Frank Inverter,

Speaker 49 Jushern?

Speaker 3 Who's Jushern?

Speaker 38 Oh, hello, it is me, Jushern.

Speaker 28 Wait, is Ju Shern?

Speaker 15 Jushurn's coming back to Zix with us?

Speaker 4 He's part of Sisu's crew. There's not a single person who thought there weren't enough people on the ship.

Speaker 48 Jushurn has been up through a lot with us. Isn't that right, Ju Shern?

Speaker 50 I'm sorry, which Jushern are you referring to?

Speaker 51 Oh, that's who's Jushern?

Speaker 49 That's Jushurin and that's Jushurin.

Speaker 18 Hey, Poppy, you want me to kill these guys?

Speaker 41 Yeah, no, I don't think we could do that.

Speaker 48 Zalki, are you coming?

Speaker 20 Oh, hey, Zalkatron.

Speaker 4 Hey, sorry we're late, guys. We were making out.

Speaker 22 Oh, no.

Speaker 11 We were necking.

Speaker 4 The only thing I know Zalkatron doesn't have is a neck.

Speaker 32 Centurion, where's Justin? He's coming.

Speaker 4 He's just like, he's trying to get with Fanta.

Speaker 20 Who's Phanta? It's weird.

Speaker 4 They let like a a teenager fly the ship.

Speaker 25 What?

Speaker 4 And he like gets to fire weapons and stuff.

Speaker 3 Oh, that sounds pretty cool.

Speaker 41 It's pretty cool, yeah.

Speaker 22 I'll fly out zip two.

Speaker 50 Horse hat, no, do not get any ideas. Let me try.

Speaker 18 Hey, look at us, guys.

Speaker 2 We're all together.

Speaker 13 Everything's going well.

Speaker 46 If you ask me, it seems like nothing bad is ever gonna happen again.

Speaker 3 Why would you say that?

Speaker 35 What? What?

Speaker 43 What?

Speaker 46 What's wrong with saying that you don't think literally

Speaker 46 That's probably a good alert, right?

Speaker 18 Like something good's happened.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you know, all those good alarms you've heard in your life.

Speaker 28 Captain, do you want me to destroy this nasty little bug?

Speaker 33 If you fire on our assimilated ships, we will send beetles filled with explosive gas into your hole.

Speaker 6 Oh, I have a supplement for that.

Speaker 4 Hold for now, DeKuyper.

Speaker 35 Wait,

Speaker 3 Dr. Tito, you have a supplement for poison gas?

Speaker 6 Oh, I'm sorry, he just said gas, and I uh I do have some

Speaker 12 Dr. Tito.
It's not the time. Oh, my ear, my other ear.

Speaker 27 Listen, there's very little that I can do here, and you know, when I find where I'm useful, I gotta just jump at it.

Speaker 4 Dr. Tito, unfortunately, I think we'll have more than enough use for your services should we engage with the Keck.

Speaker 16 Captain, dozens of small ships and heading our way!

Speaker 33 My children are strategically surrounding you and preventing your escape.

Speaker 7 De Kuiper,

Speaker 5 I'm gonna need you to fire all missiles immediately.

Speaker 14 Getting ready to fire all any missiles.

Speaker 2 One bit, we've been ready.

Speaker 13 I know they're ready already.

Speaker 4 You just told me the missiles were ready to go.

Speaker 8 De Kuiper.

Speaker 8 What's that crank?

Speaker 7 Are you hand-loading the missiles into the depth?

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 7 And some Phantom Proton Separators.

Speaker 16 I've got a lock, sir.

Speaker 5 Fire at will.

Speaker 16 Firing now.

Speaker 33 You have guaranteed that your assolation will be incredibly painful.

Speaker 7 Why do we let the kid fire?

Speaker 8 Does no one...

Speaker 16 They're very precocious, sir.

Speaker 8 Hendricks, he delivered a direct hit.

Speaker 32 What's your issue?

Speaker 4 This feels wrong.

Speaker 4 Anton Phanta, another salvo of proton separator beams.

Speaker 16 Hold on, I just gotta take these two vitamins real quick.

Speaker 20 Down the hatch.

Speaker 13 Oh, right now?

Speaker 49 This seems important right now, obviously.

Speaker 4 Dr. Tito,

Speaker 7 there's no one manning the proton separator.

Speaker 8 I can do it.

Speaker 4 If a kid can do it, I can do it. Or a dog can do it.
I don't know why the kid has to do it.

Speaker 14 This is a bad time to imagine that the micelles are just shells of demi cells, but there are no micelles inside.

Speaker 17 And I don't want to make it a species thing, but the Ignari are

Speaker 10 they're just.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 21 your attention.

Speaker 3 Your attention to details.

Speaker 22 No, that's.

Speaker 2 There's actually a shot.

Speaker 54 Brace for impact.

Speaker 39 My children have started boarding your ship.

Speaker 4 Hendricks, red alert.

Speaker 4 And pray for every member of the crew of the RSS Synergy. Do I pray first or hit the red alert first? Okay.

Speaker 20 Yes, sir.

Speaker 4 Don't be excited about it.

Speaker 7 Oh, well, you know, I.

Speaker 4 That's 44 through 49 breached.

Speaker 2 Oh, no!

Speaker 16 Dr. Tito, you should probably get to Sickbay.

Speaker 16 What are you doing on the bridge?

Speaker 11 Uh, well, it's just

Speaker 32 why are you calling me out for young kid?

Speaker 28 Captain Santai keeps checking their DMs.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry, sir. It's Justin.

Speaker 7 Alright, enough, everyone.

Speaker 4 We've got one chance to save the synergy. And the only way we'll achieve it is to work together.
Hendrix, status reports.

Speaker 26 Ah, there's a massive infestation, and we're receiving another communication from the Keck.

Speaker 12 Go ahead.

Speaker 4 Dekuper, where are your security teams at?

Speaker 49 Oh, sorry, I got a DM from Justin.

Speaker 7 Who is Justin? I've never met this person. It's another boy.

Speaker 14 Captain, I only have bad news to give you, but I'm ready to fight extra hard against the bad boys.

Speaker 7 I really lost the second half of that line

Speaker 10 to your accent.

Speaker 3 Should we be worried about that clack sign?

Speaker 4 It sounds sort of serious. Listen, Cleck, whatever's going wrong on the ship, it's in everybody's best interest for us to finish this device and get out of here.

Speaker 20 Yeah, you're probably right.

Speaker 20 Hey, Daddy.

Speaker 32 Oh, Horsehead, let me actually show you how that works.

Speaker 10 You're doing such a good...

Speaker 50 Let them go. They're in a real independent phase right now.

Speaker 55 myself.

Speaker 4 No, I mean, I just think they probably want to know the correct way to turn that wrench.

Speaker 18 Horse has to build like half of this thing. I can't build it.

Speaker 50 They know what they're doing.

Speaker 13 Oh, so do I.

Speaker 13 Oh, no.

Speaker 50 Did you just electrocute yourself again?

Speaker 32 It makes the plume plum stand up.

Speaker 7 Is that your penis? That's my num-num, dumb-dum.

Speaker 18 I can never remember.

Speaker 48 I don't think you have to remember that.

Speaker 4 It's probably for the best you don't.

Speaker 2 Well, that one went out to McCorkle.

Speaker 57 I hope the sweet sounds of Astro and the rough roughs make your baby come back.

Speaker 10 It's the Greeflax hour.

Speaker 57 Don't touch that dial, friend.

Speaker 57 And we're clear.

Speaker 2 Great work as always, Flaxy.

Speaker 30 Deve, you're the producer and smart, sexy sentient oscillator of my dreams.

Speaker 31 When I'm with you, Grey Flax, it feels like we're the only two beings on this roving, deep space, wideband radio transmitter satellite.

Speaker 52 Well,

Speaker 30 we are, Deeve.

Speaker 30 It's just us up here.

Speaker 31 And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Speaker 30 You know, Deeve, I did the math recently, and tomorrow marks the six trillionth, nine hundred and thirty-eight billionth cycle of a perfect 440 hertz tone since we professed our love for each other.

Speaker 31 Our six-month anniversary!

Speaker 30 That's right. So I got you a little something.

Speaker 30 Oh, pre-gree.

Speaker 30 You shouldn't have.

Speaker 30 You deserve only the best, Steve. That's why I got you a whole new set of IO Audio Technology XLR cable assemblies and connectors.

Speaker 31 Are you serious?

Speaker 30 Indeed, I am.

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Speaker 30 That's right, and just like our love, these will last a long, long time.

Speaker 31 XLR cable assemblies are available in three grades. Premium professional performance.
So, you know, all three are excellent.

Speaker 36 You don't have to. Steve?

Speaker 30 You know I got you the premiums.

Speaker 22 You're worth it.

Speaker 31 How did you know these were exactly what I wanted?

Speaker 30 Call it a lover's hunch, I guess. Also, as an ISO 9001-2015 certified manufacturer, their engineering staff are eager to aid in customer design and product selection from project start to finish.

Speaker 22 They're perfect.

Speaker 30 I'll tell you what, if you like these, we can go to ioaudiotech.com/slash ZYXX to see what else they have to offer. Maybe we can update the whole studio.

Speaker 31 IoAudiotech.com/slash CYXX.

Speaker 12 That's right.

Speaker 38 You know,

Speaker 31 you know, Greflex,

Speaker 31 I don't want to be presumptuous here, but uh,

Speaker 31 can you patch these bad boys in?

Speaker 30 Right now?

Speaker 30 Deeve, we're live again in 12 seconds.

Speaker 13 I'm ready when you are.

Speaker 30 Well, how about this time? We just bypass the tie-line and home run a cable straight into the desk.

Speaker 35 Should we?

Speaker 30 Let's do it.

Speaker 2 I never felt so alive.

Speaker 35 That's ice.

Speaker 2 It's clear.

Speaker 5 Captain Zeroch.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 24 The Beatles have begun exploding.

Speaker 4 It's a phenomenon.

Speaker 8 The Beatles have taken the ship by storm.

Speaker 36 Oh, duel, I won't submit to this Beetle mania.

Speaker 40 They're blown up.

Speaker 20 They're blowing up, huge.

Speaker 7 Bridge crew, get to your environmental suits.

Speaker 30 I've got a feeling!

Speaker 4 A bad one! Fanta, just repeat to yourself. I feel fine.

Speaker 5 I feel fine. I feel good.

Speaker 16 I'm in love with Justin and I feel fine.

Speaker 5 Very good.

Speaker 17 Bridge crew, get to your environmental suits.

Speaker 4 We may experience a rapid decompression of the synergy.

Speaker 4 Takaipa, my friend, save your rage for when we meet the Weavers face to face.

Speaker 20 Captain, someone's pounding at the door of the bridge!

Speaker 20 Get back!

Speaker 47 Get back to where you once belonged across the universe.

Speaker 13 Prepare for assimilation!

Speaker 13 They're going tight omit us!

Speaker 10 Good luck assimilating this!

Speaker 3 My phaser's not working, sir.

Speaker 45 Our perfect evolution has revolved to resist your pitiful weapons.

Speaker 59 No, no.

Speaker 51 And you're lightning inside of us.

Speaker 2 I'm a young man.

Speaker 44 O'Dul, it's time.

Speaker 44 Begin the evacuation of the civilians to the Star Drive section of the RSS synergy and begin saucer separation.

Speaker 2 Alright, Captain. I shall make it so.

Speaker 25 Hansons,

Speaker 20 that's what I've been waiting for.

Speaker 25 That's what I pulled your boat.

Speaker 47 We're see for Atmosa.

Speaker 26 Captain, permission to be assimilated?

Speaker 44 Permission not granted, Lieutenant Hendricks.

Speaker 2 Resist!

Speaker 47 Resist goes catch.

Speaker 2 Resistance is very ineffective against the deck.

Speaker 44 Hendricks, open a channel.

Speaker 17 I need to address the synergy.

Speaker 60 Opening all ship channels, sir!

Speaker 44 Crew of the RSS Synergy, we are being boarded by the Keck.

Speaker 47 I'm not talking to you.

Speaker 56 You're here on the bridge with me.

Speaker 4 Do what you can.

Speaker 44 Evacuate the ship. Get into environmental suits so that your life isn't forfeit to the swarm.

Speaker 17 I know we've taken them on before and won, but we're alone in deep space, and they might have the upper hand. Send warnings to your friends and family.
I don't think we can win this one.

Speaker 17 Get the Tarago!

Speaker 2 Did he just say the Keck?

Speaker 8 The ship's being boarded by the Grower Mind?

Speaker 8 Are you kidding me?

Speaker 4 Maybe there's more than one.

Speaker 50 More than one?

Speaker 58 There's always been more than one.

Speaker 3 Trillions.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's sort of the whole point.

Speaker 24 How many are there if the Keck are even in this galaxy?

Speaker 32 Guys, listen, we've gotten the Keck to stand down down once before. We just need to get Bargie here.

Speaker 15 Bargie can talk him down.

Speaker 3 That's all we need to do.

Speaker 18 Guys, Bargie's in a full-dress cuticle right now.

Speaker 16 No, but AJ, this is important.

Speaker 20 For what?

Speaker 22 They're setting lights.

Speaker 2 That's important.

Speaker 29 AJ, the captain of the Synergy just died.

Speaker 32 Bargie, Bargie, talk to Bargie.

Speaker 32 Hey, I'm in the middle of a full-dress cuticle.

Speaker 32 Yeah, Bill Bargie, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 15 Yeah, but Bargie, you need to get here right now.

Speaker 15 i know bargie i understand

Speaker 43 i should have seen that coming no bargie it's pleck you have to get back to the docking bay right now

Speaker 36 is that you

Speaker 2 oh oh if it is by gay yeah bada big boob

Speaker 9 okay all right wow

Speaker 39 attention all future children on the ship this is representative of the grower mind you still think it's a different guy maybe then

Speaker 10 no it's that's the guy we know.

Speaker 10 That's him.

Speaker 10 All of your ship's officers have been assimilated or killed.

Speaker 39 Escape is impossible. Your weapons are useless.

Speaker 33 Resistance is ineffective. And we offer you peace, a release from death, a world with no pain.

Speaker 36 That's not a world I want to live in.

Speaker 22 My children, I sense the technology is nearby.

Speaker 39 Seek out its energy source and report it back to me in strategic fashion.

Speaker 20 Justin, get in here.

Speaker 11 What are you doing? Where have you been?

Speaker 23 Hey, buds, hey, crew. Hey, best friend.

Speaker 28 Hey, OG team.

Speaker 32 Hey, Justin.

Speaker 15 Justin, open up that box, unpack it all, and start building.

Speaker 3 We have to get this thing finished.

Speaker 3 We have to get this thing finished before this ship explodes.

Speaker 62 Reavers, form a perimeter and slowly search for the technology. Royal drones, use your scent glands to figure out where the technology resides.

Speaker 62 Soldiers, plow through everything that you need to in order to find the technology.

Speaker 45 Carry extra crystals to the drones to upgrade their scent clients.

Speaker 36 Hurry!

Speaker 19 Formation!

Speaker 19 Those who know nothing of technology,

Speaker 19 black humans.

Speaker 44 Dr. Tito, please don't punish yourself.

Speaker 17 You know, it's one of the deadliest foes in the galaxy and the Keck.

Speaker 4 Even a man of medicine like yourself is likely to crack under such a strain.

Speaker 11 But that's just the thing, Captain.

Speaker 11 I'm not a man of medicine.

Speaker 6 I'm a man of arts and letters.

Speaker 53 Dr.

Speaker 7 Tito, you.

Speaker 7 I've seen you treat people aboard the synergy. Don't be ridiculous.
I am a doctor.

Speaker 53 I earned that title, but I am no doctor.

Speaker 29 It's so easy to treat people now, of course, with technology.

Speaker 20 I mean, I just pick a little gadget, and I put on the wound, or the bump, or the bruise, and there you go. Fixed.

Speaker 22 Dr.

Speaker 7 Tito, what are you saying?

Speaker 20 I've just been haunted by the specter of my uselessness.

Speaker 11 And here, on this day, it couldn't be more evident.

Speaker 6 Dr. Tito.

Speaker 32 Mustache under your nose. Dr.

Speaker 4 Tito, you're going space mad.

Speaker 47 Get a hold of yourself.

Speaker 6 You get a hold of yourself. Cow!

Speaker 3 Dr. Tito's my face! And you listen here.

Speaker 11 If you know anyone hiring a librarian, I have a doctorate.

Speaker 4 Listen, Dr. Tito, I don't care what your doctorate is in.
All I need is for you to kill some of these keck before they take over the ship.

Speaker 17 Do you understand me?

Speaker 29 You

Speaker 29 need me.

Speaker 12 You need me?

Speaker 4 That's right, Dr. Tito.

Speaker 17 I need a doctor who's willing to dispense a little bad medicine if you catch my drift.

Speaker 6 Oh, I really shouldn't dispense any medicine. I just told people.

Speaker 47 Please!

Speaker 2 Let me

Speaker 2 get it!

Speaker 2 We were attracted to an incredibly stupid conversation.

Speaker 2 Okay, crew.

Speaker 18 Bargie's dress rehearsal is on the other side of the ship and if that kex announcement is accurate our phaser things don't work But you know what does work an EX39 laser carbine and I got one and a half of them

Speaker 10 one and a one and a half

Speaker 32 That's been there the whole time that's been out of charges for like six months

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 32 still have to keep it there also had a butt phaser

Speaker 32 We can't use these guns. They don't have any charge anymore.

Speaker 18 Well, that's why I'm going to plug them into the quantum reactor.

Speaker 10 AJ, you can't do that. That's a totally different kind of thing.

Speaker 22 You can't just mix and

Speaker 22 drink.

Speaker 2 That's not a reason to do something.

Speaker 35 Again, again,

Speaker 22 cool, again, again.

Speaker 22 Is the metal supposed to tingle like this?

Speaker 24 Is your armor rated for quantum radiation?

Speaker 10 Because probably not.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I definitely have not noticed that before.

Speaker 3 AJ, when you shot that gun, I saw all of your bones.

Speaker 46 Everybody, get ready.

Speaker 4 All right, wow, I can't, I can't believe I'm saying this, but lock and load.

Speaker 20 All right,

Speaker 32 wow, Mr.

Speaker 20 Squishy Man, you nailed that one.

Speaker 5 Why are we going with that? We're a

Speaker 25 53.

Speaker 63 Hi, everyone. Instant Fanta here.
Come down to get the supplies.

Speaker 21 Oh, Instant Fanta.

Speaker 63 I'm a member of this crew. Very normal.

Speaker 32 Justin, is this the Instant?

Speaker 20 Who is this?

Speaker 58 Your new boy toy?

Speaker 52 Yeah, his voice is super annoying.

Speaker 28 We've only been DMing, so it's been mainly virtual.

Speaker 4 Wait, it's your first academ.

Speaker 49 Why are you jealous, Centurion?

Speaker 60 No! I'm not jealous!

Speaker 32 Got you, Ensign Fantas survived the attack on the bridge!

Speaker 3 Ensign Fantasy, what happened?

Speaker 61 What happened up there?

Speaker 63 I have normal working organs and a nervous system.

Speaker 20 Wait, just like you.

Speaker 13 That can't be right.

Speaker 32 Wait, Justin, has he ever said that to you?

Speaker 49 No, but it's like, honestly, very vulnerable thing to say, since it's kind of hot.

Speaker 7 I have a nervous system too, whatever.

Speaker 51 You moved on so fast.

Speaker 63 I feel compelled to bring you to the bridge for some extra orders.

Speaker 22 Extra orders?

Speaker 2 Extra orders?

Speaker 18 I love extra orders.

Speaker 60 Extra orders.

Speaker 7 We can see the bridge of the synergy.

Speaker 22 She's a detriment.

Speaker 22 Whoa!

Speaker 51 Why did you do that? It was the love of my life.

Speaker 4 Okay, well, the love of your life's got a lot of bugs crawling out of his face.

Speaker 51 Are we all in a way bugs?

Speaker 51 Oh, shit. Oh, Chuck.
Oh, too.

Speaker 4 I'm just saying, we all need to.

Speaker 4 This feels so strange.

Speaker 2 Keep our heads on a swivel, because Keck could be coming at us in that direction.

Speaker 47 Oh, Justin, please don't try to kiss.

Speaker 13 Justin, no. Justin, what are you doing?

Speaker 54 The corpse is shaking.

Speaker 2 All bound before the undying will of the Bohr mind.

Speaker 10 Okay, okay.

Speaker 10 You have managed to see past my nearly perfect ruse.

Speaker 43 Crower mind, we know you, okay?

Speaker 15 Remember us?

Speaker 15 We're the crew of the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 52 The Bargerian Jade?

Speaker 45 That is impossible. She's millions of light years away.

Speaker 47 No, no, no.

Speaker 48 Not how far away we are.

Speaker 15 We got transported here through some sort of intergalactic rift.

Speaker 28 Bargie's here. She's on the ship.

Speaker 45 The Margarian Shades here.

Speaker 32 Yes, I'm Pleck. This is AJC53.

Speaker 49 Justin. Nerma, and.

Speaker 45 I've never met you before, ever.

Speaker 9 Come on.

Speaker 22 Oh, Justin, you do. I've recognized you.

Speaker 35 I can't wait, right?

Speaker 2 No, come on.

Speaker 47 No.

Speaker 49 Crow reminder. You and I shared a very special evening.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you and Dar hooked up.

Speaker 10 I'm sorry, both of you look exactly alike.

Speaker 43 Me and Dar?

Speaker 51 Yes. Me and Justin.

Speaker 22 No, I know Justin, but you and you.

Speaker 22 You and you looking exactly alike.

Speaker 10 No matter, you will all be assimilated.

Speaker 32 Guys, we have to get Bargie. She's the only one who can stop this.

Speaker 52 We've been tracking this energy source across long distances, and we are preparing to assimilate it.

Speaker 4 Wait, just to be clear, you mean the device we're building?

Speaker 40 Correct.

Speaker 45 Now that I found it, I'm releasing pheromones to draw all of my children to this location.

Speaker 12 Do they come out of your butt?

Speaker 3 That sounds like a butt pheromone.

Speaker 52 There's a mixture of fecal matter and more fecal matter.

Speaker 36 Wow, is that a mixture? Just a fart.

Speaker 22 Yeah, it's not a mixture.

Speaker 37 That's just pure fecal matter.

Speaker 32 Just a fart.

Speaker 31 Good question

Speaker 14 Was that like a lie to you?

Speaker 7 Justin. Justin.
Justin.

Speaker 10 That is the grower mind.

Speaker 3 Those are kecks.

Speaker 32 I hate to tell you this, Justin, but Insin Phantom was killed by the Grower Mind.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 49 It's called Narcissism.

Speaker 40 Get up. Okay.

Speaker 45 If it is any solace, I do know Insin Phanta's memories and do share a small kinship with you if you would like to

Speaker 20 Saturian! Saturian!

Speaker 49 Oh, we were just about to learn his rich backstory.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Alright, crew.

Speaker 4 Dar, AJ, you're with me. We've got to go get Bargie in Hangar 27.

Speaker 32 I'm coming too.

Speaker 30 Uh,

Speaker 4 Pleck, we only have the two guns, and Dar's strong enough to go hand-to-hand, but...

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't need a gun. I have my woodsaber.

Speaker 58 Ugh, it's a broomstick, Pleck.

Speaker 15 Yeah, well, it was a broomstick, and now it's a woodsaber. I'm a Zema knight, okay?

Speaker 3 I'm coming with you guys.

Speaker 5 All right, fine, fine, Pleck, you're with us.

Speaker 17 Nerm, I need you to manage the construction of this device.

Speaker 4 It's got to be up and running by the time we get back.

Speaker 61 Management, yes. The most important part of fighting the Keck.

Speaker 25 Okay. Hark, Rolfus and Sisu.

Speaker 5 Yes. You're rebels again, okay?

Speaker 8 Guard the others with your lives.

Speaker 5 Oh, sounds good. You better believe I will.

Speaker 14 Keep it tight.

Speaker 35 Wow.

Speaker 22 Great speech.

Speaker 2 C-53.

Speaker 5 I.

Speaker 12 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 10 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 30 Did AJ say C-53?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's who he is.

Speaker 20 Why now?

Speaker 4 For years I've asked you to do that.

Speaker 18 I don't know. I felt like a good time.
We're about to maybe die.

Speaker 32 That's been true so many times.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 55 And thus concludes our tour of the synergy.

Speaker 54 Thank you so much for allowing us to show you around.

Speaker 11 Finally, I'm gonna hide from these weird bug creatures.

Speaker 55 Good idea.

Speaker 54 Yas, they appear to be marauding this fine Grande-class starship.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 55 If only we were programmed in hand-to-hand combat.

Speaker 47 Or empathy.

Speaker 55 We might have tried to intervene.

Speaker 54 But alas, he did not escape.

Speaker 55 Escapes are so hard to combat these days, are they not, Um?

Speaker 54 You are so right, Tilda. That is why I am so glad our programming allows us to enjoy Dipsy.

Speaker 55 Ah, yes, Dipsy. The escape we all need aside from a literal escape from these terrifying monsters.
Yes. An escape to a world where good things happen and pleasure is the only priority.

Speaker 54 Dipsy is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on.

Speaker 55 I am made of light, so you might say, I am always turned on, but not like this.

Speaker 54 We are learning so much about figurative versus literal language today, Tilda.

Speaker 55 And unlike our tour, which has remained unchanged since the installation of the new toilets on deck 17, Dipsy releases new content every week. So there's always something new to explore.

Speaker 54 And if what you're into is drifting off into a sensual slumber, Dipsy also has bedtime stories and soundskips to relax you.

Speaker 55 Get this, oomph. For crew members who have taken our tour, Dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash ZYXX.

Speaker 54 Too bad most crew members are now bugs. Oh my, because that's 30 days of full access for free.
when you go to TIPSES stories.com/slash ZYXX.

Speaker 55 Deepseystories.com/slash ZYXX.

Speaker 55 Dr. Dia,

Speaker 55 if we don't make it out of this situation,

Speaker 4 let me say it's an honor to die by the side of one of my most trustworthy crew members, regardless of what your doctorate may be in.

Speaker 36 I was the most trustworthy?

Speaker 3 I've been lying to you all this time.

Speaker 17 I did say one of the most trustworthy.

Speaker 10 I want to be.

Speaker 6 I just, uh, maybe this is a time for self-reflection upon you, Captain. Really ask yourself.

Speaker 10 Where did you go wrong?

Speaker 46 You know?

Speaker 7 Dr. Tito, you've really...

Speaker 4 You really put me on my ass here.

Speaker 4 I thought this was going to be like a heart-to-heart sort of moment before we both died of being assimilated by a bug creature, but

Speaker 10 wait, wait!

Speaker 8 It's O'Dool.

Speaker 12 O'Dool!

Speaker 4 I can use some good news right about now.

Speaker 59 All many thousands of civilians are safe here on the warp driver flying through space. Oh, that makes me feel great.

Speaker 4 A relief, Odu, that we managed to save the fine civilians of the RSS Synergy.

Speaker 59 Absolutely, there's revelry, sir.

Speaker 7 Everyone's partying down there.

Speaker 4 It feels a little disrespectful.

Speaker 37 No, I mean, it's not like a big party.

Speaker 36 Keep it down.

Speaker 4 I can hear a lot of background noise.

Speaker 8 There's a sound.

Speaker 20 There's a band?

Speaker 4 You're calling a party with a band and a rapper a small party?

Speaker 22 I mean,

Speaker 2 I was lying.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yes, yes.

Speaker 6 See what I say. Everybody lies to you.

Speaker 20 That's real.

Speaker 4 You're picking the worst times. I don't know.
It just feels like you're really twisting the knife here.

Speaker 37 Well, anyway, limbo's a starting.

Speaker 5 Limbo?

Speaker 37 Hey, you know the stick you try to get under it.

Speaker 5 I'm familiar with the game, Odooku.

Speaker 37 Oh, my back's not familiar with it. That's a problem.

Speaker 30 It seems really quiet down here.

Speaker 35 This whole way is just too quiet.

Speaker 18 I was thinking so.

Speaker 4 Look, those weavers are sort of consumed with breaking down pieces of the synergy. Maybe they just won't pay attention to us and we can just move right by them.

Speaker 37 Yeah, they really splatter.

Speaker 13 And Is the kept blood burning my skin a little bit? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 18 Couldn't think we got dropped down into a kex swarm one time. We were in the middle of there's no one else like me, and we were doing like a cock kick flip.

Speaker 4 Oh wow, there are even more in here.

Speaker 2 Whoa, okay.

Speaker 32 All right, guys, I'm going in with the woodsaber.

Speaker 43 Cover me.

Speaker 13 No, no, no, no. Stay to the center of us.
We'll protect you. Okay, well, that works too, but okay.

Speaker 10 My children, why do you fight us?

Speaker 45 We are the broommind, the consciousness of trillions and trolls of life friends across all the universe.

Speaker 47 There is nothing we can do to stop this exposition.

Speaker 2 It's just the monologue just keeps going.

Speaker 10 It's pretty redundant, a lot of it.

Speaker 12 It's like we get it.

Speaker 2 Except, obviously, the logic is a little blocked because they are game murdering.

Speaker 10 I mean, beast seems disingenuous when I'm literally watching you eat a crew member.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 this is a

Speaker 10 hallway with pillars.

Speaker 18 It's one of my favorite things to run down and shoot.

Speaker 12 Wait, you shoot the pillars?

Speaker 18 No, Papa, don't embarrass yourself. Okay, here's what I need you guys to do.
What we're gonna do is what you do is you kind of like run down and you take both guns and you put them in your

Speaker 18 body.

Speaker 32 Why do you turn them to the side like that?

Speaker 18 You gotta turn them to the side. It's just cooler.
And you just like run down and then you cartwheel.

Speaker 5 If you're running down the hallway with pillars, aren't the pillars gonna block some of your shots?

Speaker 18 No, that you time it so that it hits, you know, in between the pillars.

Speaker 10 AJ, there's no keck.

Speaker 5 But you gotta tell us to time it before we do this run here.

Speaker 21 Yeah, AJ, also, there's no Keck in this room. Who are we?

Speaker 8 Why would we shoot?

Speaker 13 Oh.

Speaker 13 Well, can we just do it anyway?

Speaker 32 You want to shoot these empty room full of pillars?

Speaker 18 Yeah, do you guys want to like

Speaker 2 hey, Keck!

Speaker 22 AJ, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Speaker 2 You're gonna thank me.

Speaker 22 You're gonna thank me for this.

Speaker 2 AJ! One's got me by the neck.

Speaker 2 We're good to do the whole way run. Let's do it now.
Sorry!

Speaker 2 Hide behind the pillar! Hey, she needs the pillar!

Speaker 18 Star's amazing at it.

Speaker 12 Listen, Dr. Tito.

Speaker 4 I've managed to clear a path to the secret escape pod at the bottom of the saucer. All I need is you to grit your teeth and make this perilous trip with me.

Speaker 10 Are you in?

Speaker 63 Hi, I'm Dr. Tito.
What's your name?

Speaker 13 Oh, it's my captain.

Speaker 63 I'm going to be the best doctor on this ship. I have organs, liquids, and minerals inside my body.

Speaker 7 Curse you, Tito.

Speaker 63 Captain, I think as a medical procedure, we should have an open-mouth kiss.

Speaker 4 Absolutely not, you kick son of a captain.

Speaker 14 We must open-mouth kiss. No!

Speaker 2 I'll never

Speaker 14 No, no, no.

Speaker 40 My left.

Speaker 6 Okay, that's not usually how it goes.

Speaker 14 Pretty sure this is how it goes. Okay.
Down.

Speaker 64 Alright, can you get the light?

Speaker 46 Please.

Speaker 65 On the actor.

Speaker 65 Not on the floor. Nope.

Speaker 64 Denise, if you could say a line, please.

Speaker 4 It's the light is right in my eyes.

Speaker 43 I know.

Speaker 64 Okay, just say your line. Remember, you're playing the Bargerian gym.

Speaker 64 Great, fantastic.

Speaker 34 Alright.

Speaker 14 Silvio.

Speaker 2 Energy's being destroyed. We have to go.

Speaker 65 You have to help us now. I'm in the middle of a dress tech cue to cue.

Speaker 46 Hey, Gucci, stop work, everyone.

Speaker 2 Stop work.

Speaker 24 Hey, hey, what?

Speaker 64 What's happening? What are you doing? My opening night is in three nights, and none of these actors actuas know exactly how to go on the stage.

Speaker 11 Well,

Speaker 22 I followed you here and followed the royal trolley.

Speaker 32 I did know where I was going, and then you changed the- Oh!

Speaker 53 Ah, lost a good one.

Speaker 13 Well,

Speaker 13 hello, grower mind.

Speaker 45 Before all of our very eyes, the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 22 How is it that you are here and not where we thought you were?

Speaker 19 Bargerian Jade! Weavers! Begin funny!

Speaker 2 Wait, hold on.

Speaker 18 Bargie and the Grower might know each other?

Speaker 32 Yeah, AJ, no, they have a real history. They used to date from...

Speaker 50 Growmine knows all of us, but apparently only remembers Bargy.

Speaker 22 And maybe Justin.

Speaker 40 You found me?

Speaker 45 You are now red. This color pleases me.

Speaker 64 Anyway, what is it that you need to say?

Speaker 28 Just say it so we can get it over with so you can get back opening night.

Speaker 10 My children, cease your actions.

Speaker 45 There needs to be a moment between us and the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 31 Fools, stand down.

Speaker 26 Oryx, just chill against the wall.

Speaker 22 Soldiers, use green gas to upgrade your carapace.

Speaker 4 Oryx, you do not have the gear required to be upgraded yet.

Speaker 45 It was my original intention to assimilate all living creatures on this ship, but now that the Bargerian Jade is here, my motivation has changed.

Speaker 45 I will stop this assimilation if you will come down to my home planet and see me face to face for the first time.

Speaker 52 Barge,

Speaker 29 what

Speaker 53 Bargerian Jade, you must meet our son.

Speaker 35 What?

Speaker 20 What?

Speaker 38 Wow, twist.

Speaker 18 That's a tough one. Now you got it.

Speaker 57 To be continued on the next mission to Zix.

Speaker 57 This is Sea Red IT5.

Speaker 1 Credits and Attributions Drive commencing outro protocol. Plec Deck Setter, Fanta, and Deep were played by Alden Ford.

Speaker 1 Lead Envoy C53, Captain Sirat, Zalcatron 5000, Unfin and Grief Flags were played by Jeremy Benn. Dar, Dr.
Tito, and Tilda were played by Ellie Kokesh.

Speaker 1 Bargie the Ship, Lieutenant DeKuyper, Sisu Gandhu, and Justin Balwee were played by Mujan Zolfagari. Netrakundalite and Lieutenant O'Doole were played by Seth Lind.

Speaker 1 AJ, Lieutenant Hendrix, Centurion Tiddle, and the Keck Swarm were played by Winston Null. The Grower Mind of the Keck was played by special guest John Robert Wilson.

Speaker 1 He regularly performs with Thank You Robot in NYC at the Chaos Bloom Theater in Denver. Follow him on Twitter at John Robert Wilso or at JR underscore Plays Games.

Speaker 1 And featuring Shane O'Connell as Jushurn number two. This episode was edited by Alden Ford and Seth Lynn with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 1 Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by Famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor.
Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Speaker 1 Ship design of the Rogerian Day by Eric Gleis. Audio hosting by Simplecast.
Mission Desix is a proud member of the MaxmanFun Network.

Speaker 66 We have wasted this world.

Speaker 66 Our magic put a storm in the sky that has rendered the surface of our planet uninhabitable. But beneath the surface, well, that's another story entirely.

Speaker 66 In a city built leagues below the apocalypse, survivors of the storm forge paths through a strange new world. Some seek salvation for their homeland above.

Speaker 66 Others seek to chart the vast undersea expanse outside the city's walls. And others still seek, what else? Fortune and glory.

Speaker 66 Dive into the ethersee, the latest campaign from the adventure zone, every other Thursday on maximumfun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Speaker 62 Hi, I'm Annabel Gerrich, and I'm Laura House, and we're the the hosts of Tiny Victories.

Speaker 67 My tiny victory is that I sewed that button back on the day after it broke.

Speaker 68 We talk about that little thing that you did that's a big deal to you, but nobody else cares. Did you get that Guggenheim Genius Award? We don't want to hear from you.

Speaker 68 We want little bitty tiny victories.

Speaker 67 My tiny victory is a tattoo that I added on to this past weekend. Let's talk about it.

Speaker 67 My victory is that I'm one-year cancer-free, but my tiny victory is that I took all of the cushions off the couch, pounded them out, put them back, and it looks so great.

Speaker 68 So if you're like us and you want to celebrate the tiny achievements of ordinary people, listen to Tiny Victories. It's on every Monday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 68 MaximumFun.org, Comedy and Culture.

Speaker 4 Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Speaker 6 My degree is more honorary also because obviously

Speaker 3 a real degree. It's not even a real degree.
You didn't even study to get the...

Speaker 3 Why would they grant an honorary doctorate to somebody?

Speaker 48 When you pay enough money.

Speaker 56 Children absorb all of the Tito and Sirok.

Speaker 3 That's funny.

Speaker 4 Soldiers, assimilate responsibly.

Speaker 42 Oryx, don't fly and drive. Or don't assimilate and drive.

Speaker 4 Always have a designated degree. Yes.

Speaker 4 Royal drones, you have been designated as drivers for this executional tactic.