509: Tuck Ever 'Flacting [ft. Aparna Nancherla]

Space.

Some is chill.

Some is touped up.

All is part of the great infinite cosmic ballet.

The venerable starship, the RSS Synergy, forges ever deeper into uncharted regions of their galaxy, growing the coalition of united planets in the name of science, benevolence, and peace.

Now, lead envoy C-53 and his intrepid crew explore new worlds, forge alliances, and search for a way back home to finally fulfill their

mission to sink.

Yeah, we really did.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, it was very weird to live an entire lifetime and then die and then wake up and it had only been like a half an hour.

Like, when I was on the planet, I thought being on Bargie was a dream.

And now, it seems like my life on the planet was a dream.

So, sorry, I just need a minute to adjust.

Yeah, some of these missions are a little

weird.

Really tense.

Yeah.

I will say it was a wonderful break to be free of this frame for

essentially a lifetime.

Yeah, and so we were supposed to, like, understand that life is precious.

Was that the goal of the mission?

Like, what was the goal of that mission?

Yeah, I think so.

Did you learn how to play that flute?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

Wow.

Very nice.

Yeah.

I stick it in the slot of my helmet.

Yeah.

I didn't know it could do that.

Hey, Don, did you get a new shirt?

Looking good.

Oh, thank you for noticing.

I did.

I kind of spent a lifetime sewing it and then dying and then picking it right back up again.

I'm still not quite sure what the point of the mission was.

Like, we all just live a lifetime and die, and now we're supposed to.

I play a flute now.

AJ, they left that technology there for us to experience a lifetime on their planet so we wouldn't make the same mistakes they did.

Wait, we're supposed to be learning stuff from these missions?

I thought it was like action, not morals.

AJ, didn't it mean something to you to be in another civilization's shoes for a few decades?

You had five sons.

You had five sons.

Oh, they were so.

Yeah, I made a little boy band.

My five sons.

Like, you made your own religion.

Yeah, well, it was pretty similar to the space, but it was nice to be on top for once, you know?

It was a stupid mission, right?

Like, what's going on?

Now, Daw, is your shirt sleeveless intentionally, or you just never got around to the sleeves?

Oh, yeah, never got to the sleeves.

You know, there was a lot to do in that civilization.

You don't have to.

So, you managed to have five sons, you managed to create a religion, and I never got to the sleeves.

Because, yes, Vargi, you're right.

These seams are unfinished.

Okay.

Crew, I have an incoming transmission from Missions Operations, Missions Assignment, and Missions Envoy Associate, Nermit Bundaloy.

Hey, Nermit, what's up?

Hey, calling all cars, calling all cars.

Come home.

Come to the mothership.

Nermit, I gotta say, that mission was pretty cool, but it feels like we haven't seen you in about 80 years.

Oh, yeah, you touched the machine thing there.

Yeah, I was like, how do I work this?

Wow.

Darn.

A nice...

Well, what's up with the sleeves?

I'll get to them.

Never mind.

Guys, you gotta put it in the old hyperspeed and get back to the synergy we had.

You just finished the mission, Nerman.

It's not a mission.

It's an update from the coup about their progress on finding a way to get us home.

Two six squads.

Yes.

Nermin.

Nermin.

Yes.

Are you telling me that after 80 years, we're finally finding a way back home?

I gave you that mission this morning.

Well, no, I just

feel like I appreciate our perspective.

Yeah, we weren't supposed to use that machine.

We didn't know what it did.

I'm sorry.

We weren't supposed to use that machine.

Then what was the point of the mission?

That's what I've been saying this entire time.

Listen, I am sympathetic because to you it feels like 80 years ago, but you definitely forgot the real mission, which was to pick up empty storage drums.

Okay, fine.

Nermit, so what's this update about getting back to the Zig Squadron?

No, you have to come in for the update.

Garbo is going to deliver it in person.

It's so exciting.

All right.

All right.

I'm going to be in the hangar with those like two flashlight things.

You don't have to do that.

Yeah, you're going to have to.

See you in a bit.

Yeah, you're going to have to do that.

Yeah.

Love you guys.

He can only lift one of those, right?

I'm still on.

Oh, okay.

See you later, Nerd.

Later.

Hello and welcome.

Hey, Carbo.

Yes.

Hello, Carbo.

What's the update?

Nice to see you.

Very good.

You are looking well.

Thank you.

Yes, boy.

Oh, is it weird because they took one another?

Yeah, they what?

It's weird for me.

You were so raw and vulnerable with you.

It was incredibly raw and vulnerable.

I have an update about our progress.

Yes, great.

I'm getting you home to the Zix Squadron.

I know it has been a long time when we have not had updates.

Yes,

pretty much the entire time we've been here.

Yeah, good job.

We wanted to wait until we had significant news to tell you.

Yes, great, great.

But instead, we are going to update you now.

Wait, what does that mean?

We have determined that it is possible to locate your home galaxy.

Great!

Yes!

This is amazing!

And we have also definitively found that we cannot do it.

What?

Those two statements are honest, but what are you talking about?

It is definitely possible and not for us.

Okay, Carbo, I can't believe I have to do this, but what if I unbutton this button on the shirt?

Now do you know what?

It's a different shirt.

Badly made.

It fell right on the floor.

I'll get that later, but does this help jog your memory to the location of Zix at all?

No.

Okay.

How about

briefing complete?

Thank you, Garbo.

Nermit, did you know that this was the news?

No.

I

didn't.

Put the flashlights down.

Okay.

Guys, I'm so sorry.

I...

I...

I.

I...

I'll make it up to you.

We'll spend the day in the reflactorium.

Everyone can do money in a reflactorium.

Wait, what?

How?

It's amazing.

There's...

No, no, no.

You can go wherever you want.

You can do whatever you want.

We can do whatever we want.

Yeah.

Okay, that that sounds pretty cool.

That sounds pretty cool.

Yeah, you know, maybe

a day.

Maybe a little vacation would be fun, you know?

Can you be violet?

Is that like,

why haven't we been doing this all the time?

We are sort of overdue for like an extended fantasy in the reflectorium.

The violent delights tend to have violent ends, but other than that, you can.

It doesn't sound like anything to me.

Hmm.

Okay, Nermit, show us all the roller coasters you've been building.

Woohoo, yes.

Oh, Bargie, actually, you, you're not going to fit in the reflactorium.

I was still here?

Oh, what a magnificent and sunny day, Slasha.

Such luck have we to be creatures half fish, half Tellarian.

Don't be silly.

Just because you are fish from the waist up and I from the waist down, you're no less surfer-turfer than I.

I think those pants look just fine on you.

But...

If you must know my secret, it's this.

Stitch fix.

Ugh!

Shopping for clothes can be so daunting, Slosha.

Even if you aren't two species gloriously merged by Rod.

You never know if things will fit.

Returns aren't difficult.

And you don't even know what store to start with.

This season, let Stitch Fix do all the hard work.

I have

Great question.

Stitch Fix offers clothing thin-selected by expert stylists for your unique size, style, budget, and portion of you that's fish.

Every piece is chosen for your fit and your life.

It's the easy solution to finding what makes you look, feel, and dive your best.

Stitch Fix is where I got this insanely cute tank that's dressy enough for work, but casual enough for kelp and a movie afterwards.

A fair concern, my friend.

But Stitch Fix has free shipping, easy returns, and exchanges.

And a prepaid return envelope is included.

There's no subscription required.

Try Stitch Fix once or set up automatic deliveries, even here on this minute reef in the glorious Napathar Ocean.

Get started today at stitchfix.com/slash zix, and you'll get 25% off when you keep everything in your fix.

That's stitchfix.com slash zix for 25% off when you keep everything in your fix.

Oh, you're right, Slasha.

A ship approaches into the deep.

They must always wonder if we're real.

Okay, so when we get in there, you're gonna pick from one of many, many programs, and then the reflectorium will start the simulation.

And you can make modifications, you can summon other characters or locations.

And actually, I have one running now.

I can show you as sort of an example.

Nermit, we don't want to see Optisoft right now.

This is our chance to choose our own adventure.

Nermit.

Yeah, yeah, you totally will.

I just, I'm not at a save point, so we just need to go in for a couple minutes.

He's almost at a save point.

It'll be super quick.

What does that mean?

Welcome to your favorite software service company.

Optisoft?

That's not my favorite software services company.

What's your favorite?

What Dart?

Oh, Quasarix, all the way.

Exactly, Quasarix.

No.

I mean, have you ever used their software services?

They're incredible.

Unparallel.

Is that the one that lets you sync to the cloud really easily?

Yeah.

Also, Nermit, OptiSoft is just a simulation.

Quasarix is a real company.

They have many lawsuits pending against them.

They're baseless but exciting.

Nermit.

Can we just get into our own reflectorium and just have some fun?

Our day has felt like 90 years.

I'd love to have this conversation, Fleck, but I need everyone to fill out the NDAs on these pads first.

NDAs?

Well, you're gonna be gonna, I'm gonna show you behind the curtains.

Nermit, Optisoft exists only in the re.

It's a simulation that you made up.

Nermit, how long is this gonna take?

When do we get a turn?

So sorry.

This simulation is so complex and random, so if I don't save everything, I'm gonna lose weeks of work.

Where are my violin delights?

And the violin ends.

Yeah,

they will be here.

They're where are the buttons that we just get to push at random?

I promise you, all of that is gonna happen.

Um, if you can just please hand your completed NDA to our wonderful temp named

Sarnon Tucker

Sarnon Tuck.

Yeah, thank you.

You're a temp in this fictional company?

Yeah, yeah, I'm not uh I'm not permanently hired yet.

What?

Wow.

I've only worked here for two

days.

Uh wow, okay.

We have an amazing temp-to-perm pipeline.

Oh, that's good.

No,

AJ,

there's no pipeline.

It's all a simulation.

But Sarnon's real, right?

No, Sarnan is a hologram, just like everyone else in this office.

I'm real.

Yeah, you know, no, because I have learned that holograms are not real.

Uh,

guys, we have to have a little talk.

Nermit, how often do the temps here question their existence?

Only when outsiders mention it, okay?

Optisoft is built on teamwork.

If we give the employees existential crises, it ruins the whole business model.

Please just play along till I can save.

Please.

Please.

Fine.

Okay.

All right.

Fair enough.

Okay.

Wow.

Temp to hire.

Sounds great.

Yeah.

So, uh, Sarnon,

what is it that you do in your off time when you're not temping?

Well,

I'm one of the top temps in the biz.

Oh, wow.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Well, what that means is I work every minute of existence.

Just one second, Sarnon.

Nerman.

Yes.

Is this just a backstory that's been procedurally generated for this character?

Or is there a simulation for each of them?

Do you not know what a temp is?

No, I know what a temp.

That's not.

It sounds like you don't.

Mr.

Bundaloy,

permission to speak to you.

Of course, of course.

Totally.

No, that's...

I do make them do that, but it's not.

Why do you make them do that?

Your rule?

Yeah, Sardin's a temp.

May I humbly inquire as to the status of the launch?

The launch.

Oh, launch.

My goodness.

Thank you so much.

We're going to get you in that temp to perm pipeline.

Sorry, I forgot we have a launch today.

So I'm going to actually have to step out.

to

launch.

We're putting out version 11.2 of the API today.

And I spaced that out because I was so excited about the Z squadron.

Why are you backing away from us?

Where are you going?

I have to go to the C-suite.

I'm just going to pop out for like 15, 20, 45 minutes.

Pop out from what?

From there?

Where are you going?

Where are you going?

Is this in the same reflex?

What are you talking about?

Stop.

Do not skitter away from us right now.

Raising hands with sub uh sub sub sub.

It's okay.

You may call me whatever.

Um, would you like me to small talk our guests?

Yes, yes, perfect.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

This is gonna be a great launch, guys.

Oh my gosh.

Wait a second.

Where did that glass elevator just come from?

Where is he going?

The funny thing about that dart is that, like, if this turns off, he's just gonna be standing right over there.

Hey, Sarnon, can we see your desk?

My knees are my desk.

Oh, no.

That sounds awful.

And when I need a surface, I crouch.

Why don't you have a desk?

I'm temp.

Well, wait, this one here has a desk.

Yeah, she has a desk.

Why do you have a desk?

Hi, I'm the head intern.

Interns are perm.

Temps are temp.

Okay, uh, yeah, I guess I get full benefits.

You're unpaid, but you get a desk and benefits.

Uh-huh.

I get paid in experience.

Okay.

Hey, guys, we could be playing in a professional hat-ball league right now.

We could be fighting Nog Milk hand to hand on a fiery volcano.

Yeah, we're in the reflactorium.

We could be outlaws raiding settlements, you know?

Yeah, Nermit said he just needed to save his progress.

What if we just paused it, do our own thing, and then we'll restart.

Um,

permission to speak?

Oh.

Well, I was uh I was taking notes on your conversation.

Sarnon,

you didn't need to crouch and write on your little knees.

Yeah, Sarnon, you don't need to ask our permission to speak to us.

Yeah, you can just talk to us anytime you want.

Well, um,

after pause, temp disappear.

I'm sorry.

What?

Oh, oh, no.

But you'd be back when we restarted the program.

No, temps never repeat.

Once the program ends, ends, temp ends.

That wasn't even a complete sentence.

If temp tried to talk about something forbidden, temp lose word.

Oh, wow, even the grammar algorithm starts to break down.

This is terrible.

This is.

She's not perm.

What about this?

You guys ought not understand.

I guess I just thought that was a sort of a designation for her job.

Sernan, if we pause and restart this program, you will cease to exist.

Uh, correct.

Correct.

And you don't get like health insurance?

Yeah, I don't think.

Correct.

Oh, yanks.

Hey, gang, I'm gonna say this right now.

We cannot shut this program off.

We've got to get her to perm.

Yeah, Sarnon, if we get you promoted to a permanent position here at Optisoft, then even if we pause and restart the program, you'd still be here.

Correct, correct.

Well, that's great.

All we have to do is figure out how to get Sarnon into the attempt to perm de

Tope.

We're doing it.

This is exactly what Nermit wants!

He wants us to play in this stupid office building!

Pleck, I understand that this is not a desirable situation for any of us, but all we have to do is get her promoted, right?

How hard could that be?

Yeah, it's just not what I wanted to do today.

Hey, you and me both, brother.

Sarnit!

Oh, we're gonna make you perm!

Oh, oh, my gratitude, gratitude,

fellow Optisoft leaders, I am so excited to tell you that the code will be live in just a few minutes.

We have 250 customers who are about to have their minds blown by API 11.2.

Twice the rapidity of socket connectivity than 0.1.1.

I mean, we were proud of 0.1.

Are we proud of it today?

No, we're proud of the doubling right now.

Speaking of someone who came from KSARX, I just have to say I'm so happy to be here at Optisoft.

Right?

I honestly heard someone talking their praises today and I was like, are you kidding me?

What version are they on?

Two?

Two?

Right?

Am I right?

Am I right?

Okay, so Sarnon, let's get you promoted, huh?

Should we...

What do we start at?

HR?

Optisoft, the entire HR department is temps.

Oh, what?

So they can't advocate for you at all?

It protects the company from liability.

Classic.

That's terrible.

If you have an issue, you have to report to other temps who also have no power.

I mean, it sounds pretty rough.

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like I've worked in a few places that are kind of like this.

Surely there's someone, though, who can get you into the pipeline.

Like, who's the first perm position that's above yours?

Oh, that is Mr.

Greg Gordon.

Greg Gordon?

Greg Gordon?

Where are you?

Greg Gordon, show show yourself.

Where are you, Greg Gordon?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I have two hits.

Oh, hi.

I'm Greg.

I'm Gordon.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, we just want to put in a good word for Sarnon here.

A very responsible and efficient town.

Okay, let me check here.

Looks like Sarnon's eval is coming up in just a couple months.

Two shakes of a calendar.

You can't do that.

You can't do that.

Ow, That's a perm move there.

That's that's a perm move?

Oh, he's perm?

Taking his original.

We're not here to promote him.

We're here to promote

Sarnon.

Oh, right.

Sarn and Tuck.

Sarnon.

Greetings, greetings.

You know, Greg, Gordon, we really believe in Sarnon.

We think that she's the future of Optisoft, and we think you should give her some consideration for the Tempt to Perm pipeline.

Amazing.

She never had an entourage before.

I gotta be honest.

She has friends.

Don't you think, Gordon, we can impress the timeline a little here?

I think we can impress it down.

Yeah, down to a month.

A month?

A month.

It was two months before, my guy.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Guys, listen.

We can't wait a month for Sarnon to get promoted to perm?

Obviously.

Listen, Sarnon, is a month at Optisoft the same as a month outside the reflectorium?

Uh, yes, unless you want to fast-track it.

When you say fast-track, does that mean fast-forwarding the simulation?

Yes.

So we could just tell the simulation to skip ahead.

Yes.

Wait, so we're time traveling?

No, no.

Okay, we're not.

It's not.

I don't do that shit.

You gotta loosen up a little bit about this.

We're just

gonna get away.

It's more like skipping a cutscene.

Yeah, AJ, we're just going forward

at an accelerated pace, okay?

And Sarnon, you will still be here when we stop, right?

Correct.

Okay, I'll do it for Sarnon.

You might see me accelerating through several tasks in the process.

Uh, sure, that's fine.

It's fine with us.

All right, uh, computer fast track program Optisoft, maximum urgency, one month.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Look how much Sarnon is doing.

This is terrible.

She is here all the time.

Did you guys see her crying quietly at one point?

She's sleeping inside a file cabinet.

Does she live at Optisoft?

How much of this temp code is Nermit responsible for?

Because we're going to have to have a real conversation about this.

Sarnon,

how is it going?

I feel rejuvenated from the work.

Oh, great.

Let's see if it worked.

Greg Gordon.

Greg Gordon.

Greg Gordon.

Oh, wow.

Okay, right there.

Hello.

Oh, the guy you kicked me in the head.

I like you.

Hey.

Shows a series of stuff.

Yeah, a lot of fun.

You should like that.

Well, it's been a month.

Looks like it's time for Sarnon Tuck's review for the tip purpose.

Let's report these

time-lapse footage of the tasks.

Oh, very good.

Very good.

Curled up nice and tight in that file cabinet.

And that's an admirable quality.

We don't want to take up too much space.

Precious file space.

Just get to the decision.

Great, Gordon.

Not a lot of tears.

Now, the decision.

Yes, Gordon.

The good news is...

Promotion approved.

Everybody is amazing.

Okay, congratulations.

Hold on.

There's bad news.

It's not really up to us.

We're just middlemen.

We're in the middle.

We're like a sandwich.

We're the cream, wet cream of a sandwich.

Yeah, the sloppy white.

What kind of sandwich is?

Slappy wheels, a cream sandwich.

A moist, wet cream sandwich.

Darn it brought the middle of the middle.

You know, the middle of the sandwich, that real wet, wet, wet cream.

Here's your lunch, Greg.

And here is your lunch golden.

Oh, yeah.

Two wet cream sandwiches.

Slowly nibble it.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

Why doesn't the sophomore tell tell you to open your mouth?

Waste the slap when you can get it out on the outside.

Some of the corners of this simulation are weird.

Fleck, you've got to remember this simulation is trying to handle thousands of people at once.

So, you know, it's going to kind of cream the details here and there.

Ugh.

Gross.

Sarnon, we're going to get to the bottom of this.

No, we're going to get to the top of this.

We need to

take us further.

Sarnon, we're going to get you promoted whatever it takes.

Who do we talk to next?

There's 63 positions between Greg Horton and the CEO.

Oh, boy.

Well, I mean, this system works, right?

We get the paperwork in the system, we set the schedule, we skip ahead, and bing, bang, boom.

Sarnon, what do you want to do, you know?

I would like to head this company.

You want to be the CEO of Optisoft?

Yes.

Wow.

This is all I know.

I've never been beyond the walls of Optisoft.

Awesome, let's do it.

I mean, yeah, absolutely.

Yes.

You haven't been here in a month.

Oh, haha.

I know I used the bathroom for a long time, but it's whatever.

Oh, sure, one launch tanks and you take off?

Tanks, what are you talking about?

11.2 is about to launch in three minutes.

That was the worst launch of Optisoft's existence.

You leave the launch saying you have to use the bathroom and you come back a month later?

Thanks for nothing.

Did somebody fast track this without my permission?

Well, well, well, another couple months goes by an old nerve and bundle and shit.

Is this again?

You stand here like a statue for two months and expect to come back and run things?

Well, I don't think so, mister.

What is happening?

Oh no.

Yes.

I feel more powerful.

As Temp ascends ladder, they gain more words.

Now, of course, if you wish to be promoted, answer my riddles 3.

What?

This person works at Optisoft?

What division are you from?

Oh, yes, troll division.

Oh,

rod.

Maybe the fast-tracking introduced some hiccups into the simulation.

And Survive Riddles across the grid.

Next promotion.

Surely there's a shift change at some point.

Maybe we can just fast forward, wait it out?

Uh, yes.

Okay.

Trolls are here half the year.

All right, half the year, you say.

No problem.

Hit it!

Hello, I'm a creepy little toad.

If you want to pass, you must kiss me on ball.

Sarnon, is the other half of the year a creepy little toad?

Correct.

Okay.

I am gonna need to see an org chart on this company.

I want everyone to know that I've secured a majority of the members of this board who want me to stay in my position.

I may.

I'm not bullying you to show your face here at all, Bundaloy.

It's been six months, Bundaloy.

Do you know how much you cost us?

Listen, I may

optisop shares have tanked.

Should have invested in Crazarks.

This is when all of our competitors and naysayers are doubting us.

And this is when we come back from the ashes of

Sarnon, this is the moment you've been waiting for.

It's really happening.

wow

check out that new id badge sardon i'm perm

we did it

i'm perm you made it we only just skipped like two and a half years into the future of the simulation uh plaque it was a lot longer than that really yeah we're so proud of you thank you so much thank you so much

I'm just gonna take a five-minute break because that's my first privilege as a perm.

No, you can't break right now, Sardin.

We're just gonna go.

No,

we should, yeah, she could take a break, but I'm so tired.

Please, uh,

that makes sense.

Power down and dream of your cream sandwiches.

Guys,

guys, listen, I know now that Sarnin will still be here if we pause and restart the program, but I don't know.

I think let's get her to the top, right?

We have to.

That's what she wants to do.

She wants to lead this company.

Wow, look at you.

You.

Okay, you.

I get her invested now.

I think she's got some really good ideas for the

And what's on the Optisoft plaque?

Better software for a better world.

Yeah.

I think that applies.

Yeah.

And I think Sarnon's the person who can take Optisoft there to the next level.

Sarnon, you're going to run this company.

We're going to make it happen for you, Sarnon.

Sarnon, we're going to get you to the boss level.

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

At what point did we all start wearing

these polos?

I love this little pull key card, though.

Hi, Darren.

I don't want to interrupt.

I just want to say we're having a birthday for Stephanie

in the main conference room.

Sorry, do you want to attend this birthday or what?

Do you want to fast forward?

It would be my first birthday, I would be honored to attend.

Okay, have a good time.

Fast forward.

Wow, look at this corner office.

Whoa, whoa, VP on the door.

Nice.

I'm assuming that stands for very promoted.

Sarnon.

Oh, hi, guys.

You're doing it.

Yeah,

would you like a balloon?

Oh, yeah, look at it.

Sure.

I think you know your audience, yeah.

Yes, I'm uh I'm in charge of keeping spirits high.

That's uh vice president of fun.

Oh, Sarnon, you probably know a lot about what makes people feel better.

I do.

A cream sandwich everyone.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

I'm good.

Yeah, this is a giant plate of cream sandwiches.

Wow, big box tables and cream sandwiches.

Pretty fun.

Yeah, that's pretty fun.

Did Shopworth say a clown?

Oh.

No, in fact, no one said clown.

Did Shopworn Shay a c clown?

Is this an office clown?

Yep.

Yep.

This is our clown who who would like a clown dance.

Oh, wow.

Not a dance.

Oh, wow.

Ah!

Oh, ah.

Ah.

Clown, no one asked for the dance.

Awful.

Did someone need another clown?

No.

Well, no.

Clowns.

Are you ready?

Sorry.

Are these guys freelancers that are just here for the day, or are they like on the payroll?

We're contractors.

Thank Rod.

I thought you were going to say they were perm.

Uh, no, clowns are never perm.

Okay, good.

At least this company's still running the way it should.

Another fast track, folks.

Yeah?

Here we go.

Cleck, Dar, AJ,

Mr.

Flashman.

Where are you?

Maybe they're here in the server room.

Has anybody seen a motley crew of hapless, but there is

a lot of nerves showing your face in here, bundle boy.

He's not alert, he's a turd.

Okay,

you here are here?

I've been here.

You have it, so you can tope my nuts, brother.

Sir, there's not a nut I wouldn't tope in order to serve this company.

That's what I requested.

Oh, boy.

Plaque!

Wow, Sergeant, only 43 years ago you were on the bottom, and now you're in the top.

I can't believe we played this game for 43 years.

It feels like a lifetime.

Wow, looking in your office, seeing all these different awards that we never saw you get, these like kind of magazine write-ups.

Do you enjoy my metal sculptures?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, they seem fine.

They're a little harsh.

Well, they are made of temps.

Is that what?

What?

They're made of former temps who have been recycled.

Oh, no.

Wait.

Oh, my God.

Are you?

Sarnon, does Optisoft still have a temp program?

Yes, temps are what this company is built on, literally.

Oh, Sarnon.

You don't love to hear that.

We helped you up from the bottom.

You gotta help the people below you who are in the same position you used to be in.

You could give back to your company and your employees.

You can stop executing temps when they run out of usefulness.

But I thought that's what you do.

No.

You get to the top and then you make sure no one can touch you.

I mean, that is what people have been talking about.

And that is sort of what we frequently though.

We did sort of game the system

so that the person we wanted in power rose to power.

Yeah, it's crazy that this backfired on us.

I guess we should have seen this coming.

You tuping chuckers, are you?

Oh, he found this.

You've been fast-tracking all the time.

Do you realize the heat that's coming down on me from the board?

You've tanked four launches.

We actually have a lot to talk about, Nermit Bundaloy.

Yeah, Nermit thing.

Nermit Bundaloy.

Oh.

Sarnon.

Your reports have shown sub-optimal productivity for yours.

Sarnon is above me?

See you, baby.

What?

I'm sorry, but we have to let you go.

Oh.

This is awesome.

No, I am walking out right.

Wait, my keycard doesn't work.

You have been deactivated from the system.

Give me a break.

Sarnon, I have been nothing but devoted in my role.

You have only been at work three days in the last

43 years.

No, that's because these jokers were fast-tracking over and over and over.

Nermit, Nermit, in our defense, the temp-to-perm pipeline is way too long.

Well, you try running a company that's trying to unionize.

That's what they did, Nermit.

Fire him.

Get him out of here.

You gotta use temps.

Oh, wow, those guys are coming with the banker box.

You gotta put all your shit in there.

Yeah, you gotta get out of here, man.

Sarnan.

Oh, security's here.

Yes, answer my videos three before I throw you out.

Oh, no.

The toad and the troll got promoted to security.

Good way to go.

That's it.

That's the way it was really good for us.

Is that the toad from my screensaver?

My new policy is to encourage inter-office romance as much as possible.

Oh, that's nice.

Why is that, Sargent?

So that new workers may be bred on office premises.

Oh, that seems maybe a little bit down.

I'm ridiculous for killing.

This little toad is

I'm indebted to you for helping me ascend the corporate ladder.

For your help, I would like to reward you.

Oh, okay.

Let let me get one of the toads to bring you a couple swag bags.

Okay,

swag bags from the toads.

Okay, s Sarnon, just to be clear, once we we leave the reflectory, these cease to exist, right?

Correct.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't need one.

That's great, though.

Look, you got an Optisoft.

How?

I don't need any of this.

A flash drive.

These are wild.

Akusie.

Oh, cool.

Sarnon,

I guess I wonder, when you were a temp, you didn't seem very happy.

Are you happy now?

You know, I have all this power and all this control, but I think I was happier when I was a temp.

Oh, no.

Cool.

Well.

Oh, a mug!

There's a mug in here.

Greston, Greston, are ye awake?

Greston?

I am now, Bostral.

What is it?

I've woke, Greston, I can't sleep.

I keep hearing the captain in my head yelling, speed to flank, but I'm stuck on the afterbrow with a mizzenmast aback, and what do I spy but an ox-eye forming straight astern?

Then, then I remember, I'm on anchor watch, but suddenly I can't tell a capstand from a bollard, so we're in right danger of being bilged.

Then, Greston, pow!

Two mammoth rock spires are athwart ships narrower than the beam.

I guess I think I'm feeling what land lovers call stress.

Right.

Sounds like you're in need of an escape.

Yeah.

Which is hard to come by on these high and stormy seas of Napathar.

Enter Dipsy.

Dipsy.

Alright, like a reverse black wall hitch on a jackline.

No, no, no, no, a midshipman's hitch on a main sheet.

Boss, Cole and Dipsy's no rope tie.

It's canop?

I see what you did there, you baggy wrinkle.

No, it's an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on.

Drop your compass and let yourself get lost in a world where good...

Nope.

That's a fear of speech.

Oh, buddy.

Drop your compass and let yourself get lost in a world where good things happen.

And where your pleasure, Bostrom, is the only priority.

The priority, even here below decks, is not running ashore.

Rendered flotsome clinging here ginpole with master and commander floating right next to you like a cork breast, and that's that's the priority.

Oh, how you need sleep, wee deckhand.

Ah, Dipsy also has wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories, and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off in your soggy bunk.

Bedtime stories?

I am.

Like, oh, the tale of Bali the Ballast Tank Castle.

Oh, no, no, no, better stories than that, even.

Okay.

And get this.

Dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com.

Ah.

Slash six.

Six?

Is that a nautical term I don't know?

No, no, tis a foul, barnacle-encrusted quadrant teeming with privateers.

That's thirty days of full access for free when you go to DIPSCA Stories.com slash six.

Dipsystories.com slash filthy quadrant.

Oh.

No.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty proud of Sarin.

The way she fired you, Nerva, and kicked all of us out, pretty awesome.

AJ, that was terrible.

We put decades of work in.

That was just like our mission yesterday.

Right.

Except we didn't learn a thing.

All we learned was that power corrupts.

They took back all of our key fobs.

Yeah, well, the company is in bankruptcy.

Yeah.

Listen, Nermit.

Yeah.

I know we all came in and really ruined what you spent a lot of weeks trying to build here.

Yes, you certainly did.

But to be fair, it sucked.

Well, you should be happy now.

There's basically nothing left of it.

Nermit.

I'm sorry.

I guess there's no there is this cream sandwich.

Oh, put that down.

Don't don't eat that, Nermit.

Okay.

Might as well burn it down.

Computer.

Terminate.

Program.

Optisoft.

Excuse me.

Button.

Hello, hi.

Hi, hi, hi.

Oh, you the nermit.

Bundaloy?

Yes.

I mean, technically he's a nermit bundaloy, but I was just gonna shut down the Optisoft program for the final time.

Ah, I am an engineer at Optisoft, and I have been a big, big fan of your career.

You started Optisoft's RD department 43 years ago.

Thank you.

Well, we're finally our book is done.

Wait, so you all fast-track 43 years, so you've done 43 years of RD

every day, full of work.

To Tomak?

Bartolo?

That's who I am.

You were just out of college when I know now.

I've lived a full life.

Nermit, just end the program.

We gotta get out of here.

You are remarkable, and you should play more music.

What?

Okay, this is clearly.

Well, no, we should hear this person out.

What kind of engineer are you?

Because of your hard work and generous funding, I've spent 43 years researching.

And today, we have finally unlocked the secrets of transgalactic travel.

It's great.

Well, sorry, what?

Computer terminate

program.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what are you doing?

Stop.

Did you hear that person?

Not really.

Transgalactic travel.

Nermit, we can get back to the Zig Squadron.

Oh, yeah.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Nermit, you did it.

You did it, buddy.

Yeah, Optisoft is worth it after all.

This calls for a little.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

He's the loudest, floudest.

He's the less, to that flute.

Loudest float.

Toot that flute.

I have to stop.

I have to stop.

You know, I'd still bet Quizarx had something to do with it.

You know what you did.

But you got a great energy about you right now.

I don't know what it is.

I

forgive you for one of the things.

But I'm not gonna forgive you for the other bigger things.

And this is where I leave you.

So sad, isn't it?

What?

Wasn't the stormy seas?

Who are you?

I'm just another salty dog that's been wronged by that C-53.

Shame that you can never truly forgive them, right?

I

never.

Probably never.

Unless.

No, no, follow that.

Follow that feeling.

Because

you know what feels better than forgiveness?

Revenge.

Revenge, you say?

Oh, yeah.

It's the only way.

Captain.

This is Sea Red IT5.

Credits and Attributions Joyed.

Commencing, Outro Protocol.

Plec Deck Setter and Boatswing Grestet were played by Alden Ford.

Lean Envoy C53 and the Tube Fine Net Sky were played by Jeremy Benn.

Dar, the Surfa Turfa, and the Troll were played by Ellie Kopesh.

Bargie the Ship, Gordon, the Toad, and the Occisoft engineer Tomec Fardlo were played by Mujan Zolfagari.

Neri Bundaloy, Garbo, Greg, and Dekhan Bostrol were played by Seth Lind.

EJ and the Sea Captain were played by Winston Knoll.

Sernan Tuck was played by special guest Aparna Nancharla.

Aparna is an actor and stand-up comedian who has appeared on many shows including Inside Amy Schumer, Bojack Horseman, Corporate, Space Force, and her own episode of Netflix The Stand-Ups.

Follow her on Twitter at AparNapkin.

This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor.

Additional music by Shane O'Connell.

Opening opening curl narration by Jeremy Crunchley, shift design for the Rogerian Jade by Eric Boyce, audio hosting by Simplecast, Mission Six is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Hey there, beautiful people, did you hear that good, good news?

Something about the baby Jesus?

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Or do you mean the fact that Apple Podcast has named Santai one of the best shows of 2020?

I mean, we already knew that we was hot stuff, but a little external validation validation never hurts, okay?

Hosted by me, writer and journalist Jared Hill, and me, the ebony entrantress myself,

Javelle Anderson.

Fantai is your home for complex conversations about the gray areas in our lives, the people, places, and things we're huge fans of, but got some anti-feelings toward.

You name it, we fantai.

You nobody's off limits.

Check us out every Thursday on maximumfund.org or wherever you get your Slayworthy audio.

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Anybody seen a temp around?

I need someone to ice these clowns.

Ice down these clowns.

What do they need ice for?

They're sore from the dance.

Are you for sure?

Oh, yeah, it's fortunate.

No, it'll make sense.

Oh, it'll make sense.

It'll sure make sense later.

Ooh, ah.

Oh, man, that's the

wailing lament of the

dancing clown.

Ooh, ah.

Ooh, I'd retire, but I'm jump.