502: Themm and the Holograms [ft. Cody Lindquist and Charlie Todd]

everyone, Seth Lind here.

I play Nermit Bundaloy.

So, this is it.

These are the last days of the Max Fun Drive, and it's the final season of Mission to Zix.

So, this is the final time we'll ask you to support the show and help us bring it home in the most epic way possible.

In a way we can't do without your help.

But before I get to that, I actually want to read you a tweet.

Okay.

Here's what this person said.

Does anyone remember that article about how podcasting is harder than people think?

And the podcast they interviewed for it was an improvised sci-fi podcast where they manned a spaceship and it had like eight people on staff for some reason?

And then someone comments, you have to have a microphone.

And then the original tweeter said, that's it.

That's all you need.

Okay.

So let's take the high road and set aside that someone randomly thought of an article about our show from three years ago and felt the need to tweet something, you know, perhaps not charitable, and set aside that it is a lean seven people on the staff of Mission to Zix, not eight.

Okay, those things aside, I want to share these tweets because I think that a lot of people might actually agree with the sentiment they express, maybe without even knowing it.

You know, people who love podcasts and listen to them all the time, because come on.

Everyone has a podcast.

The whole point is anyone can do it.

It's people hanging out talking.

I mean, that's not Mission to Zix, of course, but like, is Mission to Zix really so hard to make?

It's improvised.

What, like, and what costs money?

So, I'll get to that, to our show, and how we're counting on new support to close it out properly in just a sec.

But what I want to say first is: saying you need a microphone to podcast is like saying you need a laptop to write a screenplay.

It's true,

but it utterly misses the point.

The point, I think, is that anything good,

anything worth listening to,

it takes work and time and all the sunk cost of developing the skills to be able to do it in the first place.

I mean, even a chat show that sounds like a couple people just shooting the breeze, if it's entertaining, there was thought and planning and production and editing that went into that.

The tossed offness of it is a mirage.

And on a show like Mission to Zix, I think that that's sort of exponential, the time spent in the background.

And time, my friends, let me be the first to say, is money.

There was a now deleted reply to that same tweet saying something like, yeah, Zick said they spend 40 or 60 hours sound designing each episode,

which,

you know, that's true.

And that's a week or week and a half of full-time work when the hardest working person in sci-fi audio, Shane O'Connell, isn't doing other work.

This is his job, friends.

Plus, our editors put in like 30 hours before that, taking a two-hour improv recording down to 30 minutes, preserving the organic feel of it while honestly like carving it with a scalpel.

I mean, if you saw the text threads between me and Alden about whether to cut or keep a single line, like whether that line is on character or it pulls us away from the action, how long these threads are.

I mean, you would.

Okay, maybe you'd think we're crazy and be inspired to tweet about it in three years, but just to say that, yes, the seven people who make Mission to Zix, we put a admittedly ludicrous amount of time and thought and labor and forego things that would, you know, pay way more with honestly just this, this faith that people will choose to step up and help us do it.

Because we have made an ambitious plan for this final season, the season that's going to stretch into 2022.

A plan that is, like everything that we do on this show, more grand than it has any business being.

And it's based on the idea that you all want us to go big and will help us do that.

That new people who love the show will step in to help us enact it.

And here's what that plan consists of.

We have hired a booker.

for the first time in the history of the show.

This is a person who has spent their career building relationships with established actors and comedians who can help us secure amazing guests we don't have personal access to.

Guests who, yes, have higher rates because they're, you know, famous and in in demand, which means we're treating this like a TV show.

It's not, hey, want to be on our podcast.

It's, can we cast you professional actor in a role that you,

in a role of your own design?

And to be clear, I'm not talking Meryl Streep or Idris Elba, though Mr.

Elba or Ms.

Streep, if you're listening, you are welcome to the show.

What we're talking about are like just our favorite funny people in the world who would just kill it on this show, who we don't know personally.

And

also, we've signed up for software subscriptions, fancy sound design software, to take the sound of this show to yet another level.

If that's possible, we will find the limit of what the ear can hear and what the shane can do with software that is, of course, expensive.

Hopefully we can keep those subscriptions running.

And yes, we have reserved more recording sessions with our favorite 66-piece orchestra in hopes of having more brand new new orchestral scoring music written and performed for the back half of the season, music custom written for individual episodes.

We talk about how every dollar that people give to support the show, well, you know, you end up hearing, but we're actually, we're spending money on something you specifically can't hear.

We've ordered elaborate transcripts, including annotations and stage directions, of every episode of the show to make sure it's accessible so people who are deaf or hard of hearing can still experience it.

All those things, in addition to just the costs that have been there all along, we've committed to all those things because we believe you will make it possible.

We're counting on new people to step up and join or upgrade your membership or even better, sponsor a gift.

for someone who can't afford to join, which is this amazing thing that MaxFun is offering.

So someone not in a position to pay will get access to the huge amount of exclusive member content you get for joining.

I won't go into all those perks now because those things are really a way of saying thank you for supporting, not the real reason the real reason is it's you know the only way the show exists

but

here's the thing

the stuff i just said to you you've probably heard us say it before

and you um you haven't signed up to support you haven't joined max fun

at least statistically speaking chances are that you haven't If you have, please literally pat yourself on the back right now because the show would not exist without you.

Here, I'll pat my microphone, which of course you do need to podcast.

But if you've heard us ask before and you've not supported the show, and that means you're one of three groups of people.

Okay, one, you're not in a financial position to support the show.

And let me say, one of the things we love best about MaxFun and making this podcast is that it is free and supported by those people who can for anyone and everyone who can't.

So, Rod Speed, we love you.

The second group, you are a casual listener of Mission to Zix.

You enjoy it, but it wouldn't like, you know, ruin your day if the last season kind of petered out for lack of resources.

A lot of shows to listen to.

It's not your priority.

Cool, totally get it.

But if you're in this third group where you actually can afford to join at the $5, $10 level, and...

You care about the show.

You would find it a bummer if we weren't able to end it properly.

You,

you, my friend, are who I want to speak to.

I want to ask you from the bottom of our hearts to consider supporting the show because you are exactly like the people who are supporting it now.

I think there might be this misconception that there's this magic line that separates you and the people who have joined up, but there really isn't.

They care about the show just like you do.

The only difference is they took that step to support it.

Okay, so this is you.

You care about the show.

You got a little money per month to support it.

Here's what I want you to do.

Do it now.

Like actually right now, because you want to, you think it will probably feel good, but it is so easy to put off and not get to it.

I am speaking to you wearing glasses that are literally held together with tape because I have been putting off ordering a new pair for an embarrassing number of weeks.

So I get it.

It's easy to put things off.

So do it actually now.

You are listening to this on your phone or your computer.

Don't even pause.

Go to maximumfun.org slash join.

Because here's the other thing.

This is literally the last time we'll ask.

This is your shot.

This is your shot to, and we really mean this, to make the show with us.

Chatting with listeners and our members' Discord every week about the newest episodes that have come out and about their theories about where the story is going, about all the completely non-existent contradictions in our canon.

Alden is particularly good at explaining those away.

Being with this community, it is such a huge part of the show for us.

These are people who are literally making the show exist.

So yeah, now's the time.

Last shot.

Go to maximumfun.org/slash join, sign up at the level that's right for you.

Choose Mission to Zix and the other Max Fun shows you listen to.

And let us know on social media when you do.

We're at Mission to 6, so we can shout your name from here in the ass end of space space and raise a glass of orange beer in your honor.

I don't know, maybe in three years we'll even tweet out, hey, remember that person who helped us make the show?

Just one last note.

Please do not go after the person who tweeted that message I talked about.

We appreciate that they shared a sentiment that helped us talk to you about this.

Okay, thank you so much.

Here is episode 502.

I love this episode, which took, yes, way more work and way more time than some people would find reasonable, but we would not have it any other way.

I have a real question.

I was trying to get the sea captain thing.

Wait, hold on.

The sea captain?

You're gonna talk about the sea captain?

We're gonna hurry about the sea captain finally?

I'm alive.

We're all alive.

Are we in the afterlife afterlife together?

If this is death, we're gonna blast away out of the body.

That doesn't matter.

I think we need to stop assuming we're dead.

I mean, yeah.

If we're not dead, what happened to you?

I think what happened was that beam that the ship was pointing at us, like, teleported us here.

Whoa.

So we're back in Zix.

No, no, I think we're back in Ziggy.

No, I'm calling it.

We are right now.

No,

AJ, it smells too good in here.

It smells way too good in here.

I think we're on the ship.

I think we're in some sort of holding cell.

Where's Centurion?

Justin, didn't you, like, aren't you guys still together?

I had a change of heart.

Death does that to you.

Well, we didn't die, though, clearly.

I mean, we're all still.

My heart is dead.

Uh-huh.

Huh.

Whoa.

It's one of those things that we saw earlier.

The others who attacked the others.

Okay, everyone, let's just relax by staying calm and acting professional.

Maybe we can engage with them.

We are diplomats after all.

Yes, true.

The Zix Quadrant feels further out of reach than ever.

After drifting for months, crashing on an island planet, assaulting an alien away team, and narrowly escaping using stolen psychedelic fuel, the crew of the Bargerian Jade have been promptly beamed aboard a massive, ominous spacecraft.

But, you know, A for effort.

Deep in the bowels of the imposing vessel, our intrepid heroes, and Justin Borwheed, must steal their nerves, face their fearsome captors, and throw Zelcatron 5000 firmly under the speed of us if they ever hope to fulfill their

mission

to save.

It's not registrar at all on my translation algorithm.

You know, these look almost exactly like Delurians or myself.

Let go, let go.

Ewa!

That was not my nose.

Oh, original slide.

Hello and welcome.

What?

I heard it.

Wait,

are they suddenly speaking regular?

Translation probes have reached your brains.

Oh, wow.

That's a translator you stuck in that shoot?

Yes, so sorry.

Wait, can you understand what we're saying, like, literally right now in the second?

Definitely, yes.

So, if I said I think you're absolutely disgusting, look at that.

AJ, come on, that's AJ, from a drug perspective, they look almost identical to Tellurians.

Yeah, Yeah, I mean, they've got sort of ridges on their heads.

AJ, they...

It's an unholy abomination.

No, AJ.

I hope you enjoyed being transported upon our vessel.

We sensed that your ship had limited fuel, so we pursued you to save you and extracted you one by one.

Wow.

And then, of course, you as a clump.

We were all sort of huddled together as we sort of accepted death, I guess.

Listen, we apologize for assaulting your team that was on our planet.

Oh, no problem at all.

They have recuperated 100% and send their salutations.

Oh, really?

Well, that's very good of them.

Wow,

I thought we were gonna be in big trouble.

No, no, no.

It is an understandable mistake that we forgive.

Oh, once.

Uh, what?

The second time you attack us, of course, the penalty is quite harsh.

Oh, wow, okay.

It won't happen again.

Yes.

We also apologize for stealing a lot of your

Speaking of fuel, we were surprised that you were not able to leave the planet earlier, as you have a small fuel refining device here.

What are you talking about?

These square machines.

No, no, no.

What?

This is.

I don't have anything to do with fuel.

You would simply slice the loconuts, put it in here to warm, and then boom, pure fuel.

I'm sorry, I say what?

That is why we were on the planet.

It is a wonderful source of local nuts that powers all of our ships.

Whoa.

We could have left it any time?

Of course.

From day one?

Or if you wanted to wait longer, day two.

Oh boy.

You always use that fuel because it really messed up our ship.

I cannot see why.

It is the purest form of fuel.

I mean, as long as you do not do some bone-headed move, like pass it through a flambeau chute,

which of course would taint it.

Bonehead isn't like our heads really strong.

No, it's stupid head.

Okay, stupid.

Got it.

Yeah.

Listen, I should explain.

We're travelers from another galaxy.

That's why we don't know anything.

We also don't usually know anything.

That's true.

That's why we know less even than you.

Of course, of course, this is fine.

We understand completely, and in time, I hope you will all grow to understand Them.

Uh, understand

who is who's them?

Us.

We are them.

Is it us or them?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I kind of prefer the others, so can we just go with that, maybe?

No, no.

Them is the name of our people, our species.

We are Them.

Oh, you're you're called Them.

Yes, gotcha.

Well, we are us,

but we're not that's not our species.

Yeah, that's you probably have many more questions.

They will all be answered by our explanatory holograms.

My job was only to insert the translators, and I have already overstepped.

Goodbye.

He just left.

Hello, welcome.

Oh, oh,

hello, hello.

Who are you?

We are holograms here on the RSS Synergy.

Oh, wow.

Pleck, do you know that word?

Synergy?

Yeah.

We're here to show you around.

We will show you all parts of this Grande class starship.

Oh, holy crap.

Wow, that's great.

I mean, because honestly, we thought our friends were dead, and then we thought we were dead, and then we thought we were going to be killed when we got here.

So this is all a huge relief for us.

So we get a tour of the ship, the RSS

Synergy?

Yes, it's a very large starship.

There are over 2,000 residents,

as well as over 4,000 uniformed officers.

That's enormous.

6,000 people.

Wow, that's a fun ship.

Wow.

Do you have

names as holograms, or how does that work?

Yes, my name is Sven, and I'm Beech.

Oh, okay.

Sven and Beige.

Okay.

Sven and Beige.

Great to meet you.

I'm Pleck Deck Setter, emissary and seamen.

Oh, yeah, I was just about to say the same to you.

I'm so surprised that we're galaxies away from our home and we sort of look the same.

I still think they look disgusting.

Okay.

AJ.

Yeah, again, that's rude.

I think all of the theme look like this.

Is the gagging necessary?

Yeah, what are you doing?

You're gonna throw up into your own helmet.

You just don't look right.

We are holograms, therefore we are the most representative version of our species.

In other words, we're hot.

Any holograms?

Holograms have a question for you?

Like a legit question.

We are only here to answer your questions and show you around.

Any question you want?

Part one, are we dead?

Part two, are we prisoners who are dead?

And part three, we're Centurion.

He's the love of my life.

You are not dead.

You have just been in our brick temporarily while we have evaluated whether or not you are a security threat.

And our senior officers have decided that we are not concerned at all about you.

And number two, you're not dead.

That was the second question, too?

Yeah.

Justin, I think we pretty firmly established that we're not dead.

But there was a part three, too?

Yes.

Yes.

The part about Centurion?

Here we go.

Well, yes, they went through orientation.

We gave them a tour, too.

Did they look like they knew someone had replied to a DM

that wasn't from them.

Justin Justin, yeah, I think this is just not gonna know the answer to this.

Yeah.

Well, if DM stands for direct message, there was one individual who was constantly trying to plug into our computer mainframe to find a direct message.

Whoa, really?

No.

Oh, it's Centurion!

He just ran off.

Justin, come back.

Wow, sucks for Justin.

Having our own quiet look for someone in the others.

Wait a minute.

Oh no, if there's anything we can do to help your emotional display, please let us know.

If you would like us to give you a hug, we can provide that.

Okay, I can use it.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

You can't hug me.

You're made of light.

Why don't you try?

We consent.

This might be good for you.

Give it a shot.

Okay.

I mean, it's.

You can hug tighter than that.

That's weird.

Why would you.

Should they be like passing through me?

Aren't they supposed to be like

not solid?

Wow, these holograms are very advanced.

Sven, beej, are you able to sort of tell us a little bit about the the technology that brings you to life?

Yes, we are holograms.

We are entirely computer generated.

Okay, okay, is that the whole explanation or our ship's motherboard is constantly building matter and antimatter on top of itself beaming light to allow you to touch us and feel us

wow wait matter and antimatter at the same time simultaneously

there's also light in there how's what the light do well that's the hologram the light is reflecting and and reflecting before

sorry did you say did you say reflecting reflecting i don't i don't think we have that

Yeah,

we can't expect their technology to have evolved the same way it did in the Sixth Squadron, either.

I mean Sven, B, you should know that, like, where we come from, like, a three-dimensional hologram doesn't look like you guys.

It looks sort of like a crappy tape.

You can see through it, there's a lot of scan lines that kind of pass through.

How far away from home are you?

Uh,

that's actually a really good question.

We we don't really know.

Do you know how far we are from the Zix Quadrant?

Unfortunately, we're here just to make sure you have a good time, enjoy yourself,

find some things to eat.

it's a hologram so yes you're asking us lots of questions about science and cartography we're here to show you how the toilet works

yeah we probably

should we haven't gotten out of the hallway yet so we should probably

Wow, it actually looks like they're walking.

I mean, the gate and everything.

It's similar.

It's very impressive.

Yeah.

Okay, come this way.

Come this way.

We're going to show you one of your quarters.

This is just a sort of a showroom quarters.

No one sleeps here.

This is like a model home.

A model.

Some people would call it.

So let's check out how this toilet works.

Okay, yeah, so this is a standard quarters here.

The bed is there.

This is the toilet.

We have standing toilets only.

Only standing toilets.

Okay,

Wait, do they you guys shouldn't do use a toilet at all because you're holograms, right?

Oh, yeah, we've never used a toilet ourselves.

We're speaking of our people.

Yes, Sven is demonstrating how one would use the toilet, but he's not actually using the toilet.

Yes, I will stand above the toilet right now, and I will be doing a defecation, so please step

back.

This is very normal in our culture.

People use the bathroom in front of each other.

It's very normal.

Very normal.

Is that reflecting that I'm seeing right now?

It's real color that bacteria like real feces.

We're not going to eat your shit just because we want to see if it reflects.

Am I nuts here?

What's going on?

AJ, AJ, listen.

We don't know anything about femme culture.

It could be totally normal.

Uh, Papa, I think you mean their culture?

You kind of of sound like an idiot right now.

It's femme.

They're called femme.

I don't care.

They're telling us they're asking us to eat their shit.

Like, we say no.

That's.

Doesn't matter what galaxy we're in.

We don't have to do it.

We just have to.

You have to consider it diplomatically.

Yeah, AJ,

AJ, we've been working on this.

Yeah, diplomacy.

You know, not making judgments on other cultures.

AJ, we are in a very different place.

No, we're

different customs.

And we're guests.

Would you like to see the view?

We would love to see the view.

Sure.

Over here, I take you to the window.

Now, what's the best thing about this view is it can be whatever you want.

So, what's your favorite planet?

Well, I mean,

all our favorite planets might be long gone.

And after that giant explosion, that was all Plex's fault.

Okay,

we don't know.

They might be gone.

They might not be.

Who's to say whose fault it could have been?

But it was sort of my destiny, a little little bit.

I see you are renegades.

Oh, yes,

outlaws.

Well, I wouldn't say

dirty, dirty people.

Wait, no, whoa, no, dirty people don't break the rules.

Anyway, the point of asking your favorite planet wasn't to get into like an emotional breakdown state for you.

It was just to say you can just pick whatever planet you want and type it into the keypad, and the planet will show up in your view.

Oh, oh, yeah.

I suppose it's worth a shot.

If this civilization has our galaxy in their database, they might have a way of communicating with it.

Okay, uh, sure.

Uh, let's see.

Rangus six

I'm found.

Oh, do not know this planet.

No, I've never heard of that one.

Um, okay, well, they're quantaurus.

Yeah, see if it is here.

You don't have to type with your toast.

I'll just type it for you.

Oh, Quantarus.

You know, Sven, Age, I know this is tedious, but I'm unfortunately in this toaster frame, so I just don't have any way of manipulating objects or moving around.

So if you- I am so sorry we did not offer beforehand.

Of course, we have something for you.

Wait, really?

Oh, I can't tell you what it was.

It's called a caster.

Oh.

Okay.

So it's a sort of a small wheel that you're attaching to the bottom of my toaster here.

And if you'd like, we can provide a string or something, so maybe one of your co-workers can carry you around.

Of course, Pat can just drag you around.

Oh!

C-53!

So, Quantaurus.

Are you making these planets up?

Is this a joke?

Are you.

Do you know if your home worlds are part of the coup?

Sorry, the coup?

The coup.

What is it?

There's a coup?

The coalition of united planets.

Often known as coup.

Oh.

Have you not heard of coup?

Koo?

I guess not.

Our mission is to seek out new worlds

and, you know, confidently go where like other guys have never been.

Oh, wow.

Cool.

You know, where we come from, our galaxy is sort of, I mean, honestly, sort of jucked up, if I have to be honest.

You know, that explosion that was sort of my fault/slash destiny?

I think that was a rift in reality, and we fell through it and landed here.

What is this word that's not translating?

It's some sort of profanity you have used?

De jock?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's sort of catch-all profanity.

It means anything from

copulation to,

you know.

Oh, it's like touping.

Touping, yeah,

like a toupe.

Like, oh, you touped it.

Yeah, don't toupe it up.

That's a toupe.

Oh, I like that.

Seem to be using it in pretty soup.

Yeah.

Would you say, hey, toupe you, man?

Oh, yeah, tupe you.

We don't like you.

toupe you.

But it can be good, too.

It can be like, this soup is took awesome.

And I love the way you toop me.

Okay, all right.

Wow.

It sounds like we found it in a lot of time.

It's exactly the same word.

It doesn't translate?

Yeah.

Okay, great.

Cool, okay.

But also, it's not appropriate to use words like this in an orientation.

I'm sorry.

I apologize.

So, are you ready to see another part of the ship?

Because we would like to show you the gymnasium.

Oh.

I don't really know that any of us would likely use the gymnasium.

No, probably not.

Well, AJ would probably.

Okay, I've noticed that you're all different shapes and sizes and life forms, so I'm not sure if you exercise, but exercise is very important.

It's a very important part.

Keep everyone in cool.

Yeah, no one's going to be able to do it.

I agree with you.

We're just really.

Yeah, we're very busy.

We're being realistic.

Sure, but you could wake up an hour earlier.

I mean, even if you're busy, right?

Yeah, we could, but like, we're, but it's sort of like.

Ah.

So you guys exercise.

Everyone in cool gets up early or stays up late.

He goes to the gymnasium.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You guys do look, I mean, great, honestly.

Well, thank you.

We work really hard.

Sure, technically, we could just get the computer to give us our muscles, but we like to earn them.

Yes, it just feels more cool.

You two holograms.

Work out.

Yeah.

Wait a second.

You guys look like that because you work out, not because it's part of the program?

No, we started as very scrawny individuals with the program, and we've been going to the gymnasium

in our off time.

Can I just have a moment with my friends just for one second?

Just to chat for a second.

Privacy is very important to us.

If you'd like a private conversation, you can just pause us.

Just pause the program.

Oh,

yeah, okay.

How do we do that?

You just say pause.

Oh, okay.

Uh, pause.

Someone with a more authoritative voice, a deeper voice.

It didn't really take that.

Wow.

That's frozen.

Okay, here's the thing.

I might not know everything,

but there's one thing I know.

I might not.

But if there's one thing I know, let's see where this is going.

It's about building muscle tone.

Okay.

And these things, whatever they are.

The holograms?

Yeah, but how can they do it?

You have to be real in order to get gains.

Like, you have to be real.

I think that's part of the program.

They design these characters to motivate you to use the gym.

But his eyes are moving.

Like, I see his eyes moving.

Well, he's paused.

Like, these are not

light constructs.

AJ, listen, suppose you're right.

What's the goal?

What would they want?

What could they possibly want from us?

They had us in the brig and they let us out.

AJ, we just need to finish this tour so we can meet up with all of our friends.

You guys want to see Nermit again?

Yeah, yeah, I mean, definitely.

He's the one I want to see the most.

Really?

Yeah, he's my favorite.

You guys are that?

Alright.

Well, I feel like I just learned something new today.

We just get each other.

You and Nermit get each other.

Yeah, we're constantly.

Remember when we killed that ice beast?

Yeah, that was not a great moment.

What can I say?

I missed the lizard guy.

Lizard, lizard man.

You missed the lizard guy?

I just said his name like four times.

Yeah, I know.

All right.

Lizard guy.

Just a reminder: if you want to unpause us, just say unpause.

Yeah, anytime we're waiting for you to say unpause.

I feel like maybe they heard that entire aside.

What?

No, we're not listening.

We're just

unpause.

We're like a smart speaker.

We're only listening for the word unpause.

That's all we're listening for.

But you didn't hear it, but then you started talking anyway.

We're not listening now.

We're just listening for unpause.

All right, unpause, I guess.

It didn't work.

If you tried it, it didn't work.

An authoritative voice needs to say.

We are back.

We're back.

The toaster works.

The toaster can do it.

We don't know what we missed, but we are back.

We had a really good conversation with each other that we absolutely were not listening to.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay.

That's a red flag, but I'm just gonna roll with it.

I think they're real, guys.

I'm telling you.

All right.

What's the next step?

Well, the replication station is next if you want to come see.

This is where we make all of our food.

You can ask for any food, any type of tea or coffee or anything that you want.

Wait, really?

Do you have replication station technology in the worlds that you come from?

We actually don't.

Wow, could I get an orange beer, please?

No.

Okay.

That's very strange.

I've never heard a no.

Someone else try.

Someone with a more authoritative voice.

Just some plain bread.

Sliced bleed.

So

this food's made of light or antimatter?

Real food?

Why do you think it's not real food?

I don't know.

I'm just confused.

Listen, Beach, I'm sorry, but AJ, I don't think he really gets it.

He doesn't know the technology.

Actually, the word is technology, and I don't know the replicator technology or the hologram technology.

Okay, wait, I think I have a question that might help clear things up for AJ.

Sven Beach,

are you capable of eating this toast from the replicator?

Yeah, yeah, well, we could eat it, and it would go reflected down our throats.

Eventually, I would defecate it down while standing up.

You can eat it if you want.

We're not eating your shit.

I don't know how many times I'm gonna say it, but we're not eating your shit.

AJ, that's not what they're saying.

It's just not just

like it's what it's not what they said.

Listen, just try some replicated food.

We can move on.

Fine.

Does it make protein paste?

Sure.

Fine.

I like a block of protein paste, please.

Put it into your mouth and eat it.

Okay.

Oh.

Wow.

This is great.

Oh my god.

The paste here is way better than the paste back haul.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Great.

So actually, in our world, defecation is turned into food?

What?

That can't be right.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

It is.

All personal waste is collected, purified, and reneutrified

to become delicious, replicated food.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm just walking by.

No, I eat their shit.

They tricked me to eat their shit.

I'm also walking by, and I couldn't help but overhear you did not go to the gymnasium yet, you still got dunked on.

Oh, who you are?

Hey, Papa, when is this tour over?

We've been walking so long.

Yeah, AJ, the RSS Synergy is an enormous ship.

It's a grandeur class starship.

Yeah, but they showed us a toilet twice.

I've just, we're far away from home, and everything's weird and different.

And I just, I miss Zix.

I wish we knew what this Zix was.

Yeah.

It's my home.

I wish you knew too.

Where we all

okay so this tour is almost over

okay okay the next stop is the armory it's right here um we're going to get some weapons for ourselves just for funsies this is very standard protocol wait sorry the the holograms are getting weapons yes for themselves

now okay now aj yes now i'm yeah it's a little bit i'm a little curious

oh really

okay so if everyone would like to get weapons you can pick your own weapons

we are a peaceful peaceful galaxy so weapons are really just

they're playthings.

So just get some weapons for some possible these weapons don't even look like guns.

This looks like a remote control.

Okay, I'll show you how to work a weapon, okay?

So there's a power button, there's an input button, so you can change the input

you can turn the volume

You can turn the volume up and down, okay, or you can change the channel of the weapon.

Wait a minute

if you want to control the velocity, okay, you hit the rapid button right here and you just touch that.

Are you talking about these two arrows pointing forward?

Oh my rod.

That's a proton separator.

Yes.

Well, only people with high security clearance are allowed in this room, like the holograms, of course.

Thank you, so you know.

Why do we have high security clearance?

Were you with us?

So just get up, everyone, put two or three weapons in your pockets.

Okay, this is the first cool thing we've done.

I mean, these holograms are pretty cool.

Reflecting weapon is technology, I can understand.

I'm with Beach and Sven.

Sorry, just to clarify, this happens every tour.

Yes, you guys, as holograms, come in and take weapons from the armory every tour.

Whoa, it sort of seems like you're stealing all these weapons.

We're not stealing.

Okay, let's keep it moving right over here.

Yeah, let's keep it moving.

Quick, we don't have time to go in there.

That's just...

Is that our mermaid?

Nermi!

Yay, Nerman!

Nermit is a

curse

in this room labeled Reflactorium?

Wait, why are there so many people crowded around Nermit?

I've never had such a big enthusiastic crowd like this.

Thanks so much, everyone.

This is great.

Thank you.

Nermit!

Nermit, over here.

What are you doing up there?

I was finally discovered.

Look at this enormous crowd!

What are you doing?

How long have you been here?

Oh, sorry, sorry, this is so loud.

One second.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, that makes...

Okay, I get it now.

Reflectorium, it's sort of a virtual...

It's all holograms then.

It all makes sense, Nermit.

Yeah, you can sort of see I'm standing on this deck with all these holes that project the holograms.

Yeah, we know it.

Yeah, we get it.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Oh, you guys are on the tour.

The tour is fun.

The tour guides are a little drab, but it was cool.

Drab?

Yeah.

They didn't make you eat their own shit.

Yeah, did you eat the shit, though?

I'm sorry.

Hey, wait, Nermit.

Yeah.

Were those your hologram tour guides?

Oh, is it Tilde and Unf?

What?

Tilde and Unf?

No, no, no, this is Sven and Beech.

Those ones with the weapons.

No, all the tours are led by Unfinn Tilde.

Multiple copies of their holograms can be doing the tours simultaneously or attending my concert and loving it.

Okay.

Listen, we're just gonna finish this tour.

We're gonna come catch up with you, bud.

Okay.

Okay,

Sven

beach.

Looks like you have some explaining to do.

Okay, I can tell that everyone is getting a little restless, and it is good to know that there's only one more stop on the tour.

Last stop, and we finally discovered where it is, so that's exciting.

Listen, obviously, there's something at play here that we don't understand as outsiders.

So, let's just play along, finish the tour, and get out.

For the last stop on the tour, we will take a look at your ship so that you may get your personal belongings and bring them back to your quarters here on the RSS Synergy.

Okay, so here we are.

Hey, guys, look, it's Barging.

My favorite ship!

Which ship is yours?

Uh, the Bargerian Jade, uh, right here.

Hey, Bargy, how you doing?

I am so bored.

I'm sorry, are you?

None of these other ships are talking to me.

I just I'd be giving my backstory for hours on end now.

I don't even know where I am.

You look great, though, Bargie.

Thank you.

They fixed me up, they made me red.

Yeah, wow, look at that racing stripe.

I honestly really like it right here, Bargy.

Yeah, we're working on it, Bargy.

Uh, Sven, B, this is the Bargerian Jade.

She's a sentient starship.

Oh, so your ship is almost like us, a computer that can talk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's pretty clear you guys are just regular people, but sure.

If you see any reviews for Shark Fight, do not show them to me.

Okay, I'm actually this is very embarrassing, but uh, is there a bathroom here on this ship?

Because that can't be right.

When you got the go, you got to go, you know?

We do have one.

It's right down the the hall to the to the right.

We can't let him shit, Marty.

No, that's not a toilet.

That's it, like, like a soup.

My feet can't comfortably stand on this structure.

No, you get no, you sit down.

Yeah, you you s sit on it.

How you sit down?

Do you not fall asleep when you

sometimes?

Listen, Sven, you don't need to demonstrate to us how to use our toilet.

We know how to use our toilet.

No, the tables have been turned.

You are giving me orientation to this toilet.

It's very strange.

Okay, sorry.

I'm sensing waste on my wall.

Oh, no.

Sven, come on.

Sven, no.

You won't sit on Farget!

Okay, why are you running at us?

Input.

Video.

what?

What's menu?

What does menu call up?

Stop!

Whoa!

AJ, just macho

right out of RG's hatch.

Thank you.

Nobody shoes up, Bargie.

Oh, no.

AJ, let him go.

Let them go.

Oh, yeah.

I don't care if I'm an interloper.

I don't care.

You're going to be arrested.

AJ, we're going to get in trouble.

AJ.

AJ, remember what that guy said?

The second time that there's a penalty?

You got to let him go.

Here come some of those disgusting aliens with the use your remotes.

Use your remotes.

Get the guns.

Get the guns.

You have to shoot everyone.

You have to shoot everyone with your guns.

Turn the volume up.

Shoot everyone.

Anyone who is that, I'll shoot everyone.

You hear the red alert.

I'm still going to hold on to the bottom.

Get the channels right.

Press the record button.

There they are, the interlopers.

The interlopers.

Listen, there's been a huge misunderstanding.

We didn't mean anything by this.

Not you.

You heroes have tackled the interlopers.

And I, Garbo, thank you.

Oh, those are the two who have tied us up.

Wait, Sven and Beach tied you up?

Yes, it is I, Unch.

It's I, Tifta.

Wait, so you're what?

You're the actual holographic tour guides, but you could be tied up?

Yes.

Well, we are reflected, so it is possible.

I don't need to know.

If you guys are holographs, who are these guys?

Did you not hear the alarm?

They are interlopers.

No, we heard that.

Okay, you caught us.

Okay, it looks like we've been tuped.

Ow.

We are stories.

We were trying to steal your ship, but it didn't work out.

Lars, Garbo, it is time to send these interlopers to prison now.

Yes.

Affirmative mushroom.

No, no, we cannot go back to prison where we only have a queen-size bed.

Back to nuts.

I'm sorry, these are the rules.

You will be fed four organic meals a day, and that is the law.

Four meals?

That is not enough?

No snacks?

No snacks, other than, of course, your daily fruit bar and, of course, nutlog.

I will need you to make a decision now on which intramural sport you would like to play on Fridays.

I will choose hatball.

And I will choose brown ball.

Noted.

Wow, this prison sounds pretty good.

Sounds pretty good.

It is horrible.

It is the worst.

Now, if you could please show yourself to prison, we trust that you will get there on your own.

Yes, we know the way.

We'll be there.

Very good.

Make sure to drop your weapons back in the armory.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, sure.

Thank you for complying with this justice result.

Whoa.

Wow.

Wow, they're really nice here.

It has been so great to meet all of you.

It was so nice to meet all of you.

And now we will walk ourselves to prison.

So I hope that you live a long time and have prosperous journeys.

Wow.

How does he do that thing with his fingers?

That's really cool.

Yeah, I can't reflect my fingers that far apart.

Believe me, I have pride.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Alright.

Here's the thing, guys.

How can a hologram go to prison?

No, AGP.

They're not holograms.

We're on board now.

We are out.

Yeah, you were right.

You were right.

You were right.

You were right, AJ.

Okay.

Pardon me, nut block cart.

Wow, they bring it around.

They bring it around here.

Great.

Yeah, I'll take a nut log.

Yeah, watch it.

Very hot.

I'm gonna pass.

Oh, do not worry.

The defecate has been completely re-neutrified.

No, I don't want any.

I don't want any.

Garbo, Lars, Mush,

can I just say you have an amazing ship here?

And

even though that was a fake tour conducted by criminals, we learned a lot.

So

that's excellent, Envoy Dexetter.

Sorry, what?

Oh, I said that's excellent, Envoy Dexetter.

I'm sorry, what

excellent.

Who is.

Yeah, no, right.

No, I got that part.

Who is Envoy Dexetter?

Is that me?

Do I have your last name wrong?

I thought it was like this.

That's correct.

Yes, okay.

Then we are understood.

Yeah, for me.

Would you prefer to be Envoy Sugarcane?

It's no problem.

No, but I'm not an Envoy.

I'm a

I can translate here.

I've had this conversation in many a hollow meeting.

Basically, what the DL is is: we're now part of a new society, and they're giving us new jobs because we're not going home anytime soon.

That is accurate.

Thank you, Envoy Jade.

Oh, wow, Envoy Jade.

Barchie, does that happen in a lot of Hollow contracts?

Basically, and if you're bad, they lock you into a tiny box, which is what they did with a lot of the child actors.

Oh, my God.

This is where the comparison thankfully breaks down.

Just like Sherlow Pinkong.

Wait, Sherlow Pinkong.

They locked her in a box?

Yep, notoriously, for 17 years.

But she was that adorable

with the ringlets and you should have seen her when she came out of the box.

Oh, no.

Wow.

Tough business!

Tough business.

You know, Bargie was saying we can't go home, like, we'll be able to, like,

go home, right?

The truth of the matter is, your home is so far away, we don't know if you will ever get home.

What does that mean?

It is unfindable.

All of your star maps do not correspond with the part of space that we are in.

We cannot find it.

Even if we could locate this supposed Zix quadrant, it would take centuries to get there.

And before then, you would all be dead.

Thank you, Garbo.

Now, have you heard of ship police?

No.

I'm sorry, no.

Wow, we are duped.

What about all of our, like, friends and all the people we met?

Well, they may be looking for us.

But it's likely that they're not.

Yeah, I think that's pretty unlikely.

I have a lot of bridges like Baruch.

Luckily, your job is much to make new friends.

What what do you mean?

Surely you would want to have some purpose in our society and not be a loafer or a layabout?

Uh,

yeah, I mean, I guess

were the options to be loafer, layabout, or useful?

We gave a few options to your small manager and he's talking about Nermit?

Yes, yes, Nermit Bandaloy has already established you will be going out and making friends on behalf of us.

Damn, and of course, the coup.

Um, Wait, what?

What did you guys?

Did you hear the news?

Nermit,

where did you get that uniform?

Oh, you'll, of course, all get these uniforms.

They're

shiny.

Yeah, it's wet look.

Sorry, Lars, Mish, Garbo.

Can we just talk to our friend Nermit here for a second?

Pause.

Yeah, no, these are actual people.

AJ, you can't pause.

Yeah, you can't pause them.

Lars, Garbo, let's give them privacy.

Sure, of course.

We call this a pause.

Okay.

Alright.

Fine.

Nermit.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Are you trying to get us a job here on the synergy?

Trying, succeeding.

Nermit, we're not even from here.

Are we qualified to do this job?

We can't be diplomats.

We're in the wrong galaxy.

I mean, it's not like we know anything particularly about the galaxy we're from.

Wow, that stings a little bit.

Hey, Berfin.

How much, uh, how much are they paying us?

That's the cool thing.

There isn't money here.

here.

What?

What?

Is that a cool thing?

I think it's cool.

They're post-money.

What does that mean?

Post-money.

What?

I mean, eventually every society will realize that money is a fiction, and then, of course, ban out.

I mean, sure, but it's a reality to us.

I mean, not anymore.

Hey, Borfit.

I'm going to say this as kindly as I can.

To you.

See, Bargie's already got the lingo.

Just think of it, guys.

We're going to go on missions to strange worlds on behalf of the Coalition of United Planets.

But the options were loafing, laying about

being useless.

Loafing Nermit.

Exactly.

I don't want to imply that I'm a great loafer, but it's just a mess.

You're a toaster!

You're literally a toaster!

Yeah, you definitely involve are involved with loafs.

Okay.

You're abusing the ominum.

And C53, you can't really loaf because you are the lead envoy.

Wait, what?

Oh, Yeah.

So, sort of in your leadership position, definitely.

Hey, hey.

When I told the theme that we have an AI whose only job is protocol, they were like, boom, in charge.

That's great, C-53.

Good job.

And what did you tell them about me

that put me not in charge?

Oh, I guess that didn't come up.

Listen, Darf.

Sorry.

You were such a good captain.

And Oh, whoa.

Look at all those

card wheels.

Jeez.

Wow, oh, no-handed one.

Congratulations all around, I guess.

Mostly to C-53 and Dar.

Things are sort of the same for me and AJ, but uh...

Wait, hold on.

Nerve it.

What are you doing?

Huh?

I get that you want to be useful, but like, we need to get home.

We need to get back to the Zig Squadron.

Who even knows what exists anymore?

Yeah, that's part of the good news.

The Them and all of Ku, they're fascinated by us and their lack of knowledge of our home galaxy.

So while we're going out on missions, they will be devoting all of their resources, not money, to

knowledge.

You have to stress that.

We're past it.

I'm not past it.

They will be devoting their resources to trying to find a way home for us, back to the Zig Squadron.

This is great.

Wait, so what about the others?

Are the others?

Are we all doing this together?

together?

Do I opt everyone?

The one who didn't opt to loaf has been given an amazing job here on the synergy.

So we could have chosen to loaf.

Yes.

Who opted, Nermit?

Who opted to loaf?

Another drink, Mr.

5000?

Make him double.

This is Sea Right IT5, Credits and Attributions Droid, commencing outro protocol.

Fleck Dexter was played by Alden Ford.

C-53, Lars, Oomph, and Zalcotron 5000 were played by Jeremy Bent.

Dar, Miyush, and Dilda were played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie the Ship and Justin Balweet were played by Mujan Zolfagari.

Nara Bundaloy, the translator, insertion guy, and Garbo were played by Seth Lind.

AJ was played by Winston Knoll.

Beach and Sven were played by special guests Cody Lindquist and Charlie Todd.

Cody is an actress, comedian, and writer who plays Melania Trump on our cartoon president and has appeared on Broad City, Master of None, The President Show, Difficult People, and Law and Order SBU.

Charlie is the founder of Improv Everywhere, producing and directing the group's work since its creation in 2001.

He also works in television, recently recently serving as executive producer and director of the Disney Plus series Pixar in real life.

Charlie was a performer at the legendary Upright Systems Brigade Theater for over 18 years.

This episode was edited by Seth Lynn.

The sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor.

Additional music by Shane O'Connell.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission Desix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

This is the last week of the Max Fun Drive, the final drive of our final season.

A huge thank you to everyone who has supported us over the years and to MaxFun for being such a wonderful community of creators and listeners.

And the party isn't over.

Just go to maximumfund.org/slash join.

MaximumFund.org: Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

We were going to steal your ship because

there was a spa on another planet that we wanted to go to.

We thought it looked like fun.

What did you?

What were you in prison for?

It was a thing with

the feces.

Oh, of course.

Checks out.

Was it tricking people into eating your own ship?

Yes, you have guessed it.

I don't know how you have guessed it, but that is it.