416: Macho Libre [ft. Jerah Milligan]

This is TH4NKU, kudos and appreciation droid, with a quick message of thanks for the thousands of people who have supported Mission to Zix during the Max Fun drive.

It truly means the quadrant to us that you make this show possible.

It's the final week of the drive, meaning you can still join these heroes of the space at maximumfun.org/slash join.

In closing, we love you.

Now, here is an insane episode.

It is a time of chaos.

Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course the colossal, all wheat.

Which looks like if an eclipse made it personal.

Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mission to Zinx.

It's in this

Yeah, what is it?

Sure.

You know, I do some mental health checks as part of my duties as

well, officer.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Just look through your

history and

that doesn't seem.

That can't be part of it, right?

Well, it is.

And uh, that's not some pretty troubling stuff in the game.

Okay, well, it's it's my personal data pad.

It's a company data pad, but it is with your

what what is it?

What is it Bargie?

Hey Bleck, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I want to talk to you about the websites you've been going to recently.

So how does now how and why does Bargie know what it's going to be?

Very troubling.

I did not know Bargie.

Yay.

So that wasn't part of the...

Okay.

That was just me.

It was like a big group threat.

Hey, C-53.

I've just finished looking at the website that Bleck's been looking at.

Yeah, it's troubling me.

Alright, listen.

Okay.

AJ.

AJ, look.

Okay, guys.

Before you all judge, there are connections between the events that are happening in this galaxy that I can't ignore anymore.

Okay?

I think it's my job to...

You have a job.

I mean, I don't have a title.

Wait, what's your job?

My job is to connect with the space, explore the stuff, become a master of both, and bring balance to the galaxy.

That's not a job, that's a hobby.

It's the ramblings of a crazy person.

These conspiracy theories.

Listen, I don't think any of them hold water, and I don't know if this is healthy for you to be engaging in.

Okay, then explain why the Federated Alliance put Bino on a planet guarded by riddles.

It's like they wanted someone to find him.

Exactly.

Exactly.

You're already sharing something wrong?

What?

Doesn't it seem suspicious to anybody else that the word for Bino and the word for all wheat in Jantawa are both Jantawa?

I don't think that's.

I

mean, a map, buddy?

Listen, C53,

I have to figure out what the all wheat is before I go into it.

Am I gonna have to battle something?

Am I gonna be in some sort of mind prison?

to get the information you need from?space/slash homepage/slash.html.

I mean, obviously, whoever writes the page doesn't know how to just, you know, put your index in the root directory, but that's not

a looping background gift as well.

Okay, they're not a web designer, whoever it is.

I'm just saying the truth is out there,

and I'm gonna find it.

Doesn't make sense.

How is it out there?

On your search, trust no one.

Alright, can everyone quiet down?

I'm making a phone call.

Oh, no.

Nermit Bundaloy speaking.

Go for Nermit Bundley.

I listen to what you say, and I have some good advice.

You're calling Nermit?

You need to go up to the person who's been bullying you, and you tell them who you are, and that you're not going to take it anymore.

Oh, Bargie, that...

Thank you so much.

That is seriously good advice.

I've been honestly up all night thinking about what to do about that.

Alright, guys, let me get dressed.

I'll call you back later with a mission.

Go, whoa, wait.

He is completely

not wearing clothes.

Well, usually he just wears a shirt and tie and nothing.

Captain Dari, incoming transmission from temporary emergency adversarial negotiations, missions operations manager.

Oh, hey, we just called him.

Hey, crew.

Hey, Nermit, nice clothes.

Thank you very much.

Feeling better, feeling profesh, feeling respected.

But here's the thing, though.

When you entered earlier, you were in your office.

Yeah.

Are you sleeping in your office?

I don't have what are called personal quarters.

I guess your heat rock is in there.

Yep.

No, no, no, do not write this off as like a normal thing.

Nermit is living in his office.

Yeah, they haven't given you quarters at all.

No, I mean, they will.

It's only been, what,

six months?

Lucy has a job.

AJ, that's not what a cartwheel is for.

Yeah, you can't do that for your own.

You know.

Yeah.

All right, Nermit.

So, um, I'm gonna get to a mission, but one quick piece of business first.

Uh, Captain Dar, I got a memo that your Captain's Guild membership needs to be renewed.

Renewed, meaning it was already nude, In that I already had one.

And now I have to get another one.

Dar, are you not an officially licensed captain?

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

If

I had not ever

heard of a captain's guild.

Oh my goodness, Dar.

That was your job.

That's your job.

Excuse me.

See, now that's it.

There we go, A.J.

Merma.

What paperwork do I need to fill out?

Okay, there is a fix for this.

Unfortunately, it has to be done in person.

So you're going to need to go to the Captain's Convention.

Capcom.

You know what a Capcom is?

I've never heard of any of this stuff before.

I love Capcom.

What is it?

I'll explain it.

It's a convention where all the captains come together and,

you know, size each other up, get motivated, network, very important to network.

Old captains reunite.

They sell merch.

You can get a sign signature.

You can do captains cosplay as famous of a captain.

Oh, whoa.

Alright.

Okay, so it just so happens there is a Capcon going on right now that I can attend.

The renewal notice came with the convention ticket information, so it's gonna be fine.

You can backdate it, it's gonna be alright.

Oh, oh, I know who I'm gonna cosplay as

ZT7119.

He was a captain of like a platoon.

What did he wear?

It's kind of like what I'm wearing.

Cool.

That's convenient.

Hello, Nermit.

It seems your father and I have reached your answering machine.

Yes, you must be out doing...

Oh, what is your job again?

Oh, oh, right.

You're a temporary operator.

Is that right?

Out operating something.

Yes, yes.

We're so proud of that job you do that we know.

Anyway, that's not why we're calling.

We wanted to let you know about this amazing new wireless company, Mint Mobile.

Nermit, it's simply incredible.

If you're still using one of the big wireless providers, you have to ask yourself, what are you paying for?

Yes, because Mint Mobile provides the same premium network coverage that you're used to, but at a fraction of the cost, because everything is online.

Yes, you remember the router that you had to keep fixing for us, Nimit?

Well, not only have we found the power button for that, we now have a fully online wireless company.

We've cut our wireless bills down to just fifteen kroon per month.

With unlimited nationwide talk and text.

You wouldn't believe how often we've been calling your sisters.

We talk all the time with each of them, which is why we haven't had time to call you.

Not that it's a competition.

Yes, there's no ranking system at all among the children.

Although if there were, Turpin would be very high up.

No, very high.

Just got a promotion, I'm sure you heard.

Permanent Missions Operations Manager for Ted Ronka.

Ted Ronka.

How do you like that?

I mean, Mr.

Ronka had our vote before, but now...

A man of the people.

He's massively wealthy and loves law and order.

Two great things.

What a platform.

So call us back at your convenience, Nermit, hopefully, using Mint Mobile.

I mean, you can choose between plans with 3, 8, or 12 gigabytes of 4G LTE data.

I looked up what that means.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and keep your same phone number along with all of your existing contacts.

Oh, I nearly omitted the special offer.

To get your new wireless plan for just 15 kroon a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, Go to mintmobile.com slash zix.

That's mintmobile.com slash zyxx.

Did you hear your father nervous?

Cut your wireless bills to fifteen croon a month.

That's mintmobile.com slash zix.

Oh, and have you heard from Mel lately?

Oh, we loved Mel.

Never understood her, but a delightful young woman.

Okay, well I guess uh we all have to go to Hall F now.

Um just follow me.

No, we're not captain crew.

So we actually have to go to Hall C.

No, but uh I have to go to Hall F, so everybody should just come with me.

Don't you know some some adventures a captain has to go on

on their own.

You got this.

The captain has to go.

Okay,

I'll come.

Okay.

Adrian, I'm tired of it.

Okay, sorry.

We're not going to go.

Got my hopes up there real quick.

Dar, you're going to be okay.

You know, you're a good captain.

Oh, well, you have to say that you don't know any other captains.

Okay, well, one small step for Dar.

No, all my steps are really big.

Here I go.

Bye.

Bye.

Alright, well,

hospitality suite.

Yeah, it's got light refreshment at the place to relax.

It says refresher.

You low-level Regamuffins, just head right down here.

Hall C.

Yeah, straggly crew, whatever you are, keep going.

I mean, the crew's not gonna get any respect at Capcom.

Why don't we just hang out on Bargie, you know?

Yeah, I'm giving a talk, guys.

Uh, call them Hall XW.

Hall XW.

24-hour talk about showbiz, baby.

All right, see you guys later.

I can't see it.

It's so far down.

Mathematically, that's gotta be

a lot of Halls.

XW.

Whole CC, I guess.

There's a giant sign with an arrow pointing low-level ragamuffin in here.

Uh hey.

Yeah.

You a new captain?

Hey, dude, yes.

I've been at Capcom for years.

Oh,

thank God.

Yeah, yeah.

It's good to know that somebody here knows what they're doing because apparently I have no jucking idea.

Oh, listen.

I know what I'm doing.

But these other captains, they don't respect me because I know what they should be doing.

Do you peep what I'm throwing down right now?

Oh no, I've allied myself with a bad captain.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Not bad.

I'm bad to the bone, because this is the thing.

Okay, I've been out here, all right?

Decades out here just going through saving, saving civilizations.

Lemilons, saved them.

Puricons, saved them.

All right?

When you went and you said, hey, hey, how did I get these new fresh uniforms?

My design.

Do I get credit for it?

No.

Ooh, I have you to thank for these lapels?

Yeah, you do.

That's my idea.

Wow.

You have a cape.

I'd like a cape.

Captains, the captain you are standing with be the captain you'll be paired with for the entirety of the con.

Wow, look at all those captains scatter.

I mean, some of them can't get away from us fast enough.

What's your name?

Dar.

Pleased to meet you.

What your name is?

Jerkins.

Captain Jerkins.

Jerkins?

I mean, I could tell you my origin story right now if

that's what you would like to hear.

Oh, no, no, no.

I couldn't possibly ask you to tell me your entire origin.

Please begin your origin stories to each other.

God, thank you.

Oh, well, look at that.

That's perfect timing.

If you don't mind, I'm going to go first.

My story kind of takes a while, so...

I mean, I don't know how I came to be.

I just remember darkness.

And I remember opening my eyes and I was on the side.

No, we're really starting at the origin.

Oh, yeah, I want to give you like my whole, my whole beginning until right now.

I feel like we got time.

It's a convention.

They go forever.

It's weird that they don't have chairs in this room, though, right?

Nah, you just press this button over here and you can float for a little bit if you want to float.

Do you want to float around?

I mean, yes.

I'm down if you're down.

Yeah, yeah, I'm down.

I mean, I'm up.

I would like to be up.

Okay, cool.

Granny Mingler.

Oh, yeah, you feel it, right?

You get what I'm saying.

Ow!

Hey, watch where you're going!

You move out the way!

Okay, you know what, Captain See?

Wait, wait, I'm gonna focus on the origin story.

I really want to hear that origin story.

All right.

One day, when I was like 13, I was walking on my dad's spaceship, and I got trapped in one of the doors.

It like opened a little bit and then closed right in my forehead.

And then, as it happened, I started seeing things.

So, when the door closed on your forehead?

From that day forward, I would dream dreams dreams that would come true.

Totally.

I mean, I could tell you right now, all right?

I could tell you right now that a lot of my missions that I completed, I knew I was going to complete them because I had a dream about them the night before.

Totally, totally, totally.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

How permanent are the partners?

No trades.

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck with the partner, man.

Dr.

Jerkins.

Absolutely not.

Suck it, Jerkins.

Captain Sydney?

Welcome to Hall C.

Wow.

I'm grabbing some tables.

A C.

AC.

Are you kind of like scoping out the other crews?

Seeing like who's alpha?

You know what I mean?

Like I am?

No, I don't think I'm protecting them the way that you are.

Yeah, but like, like, I'm looking at all these other security officers, mine.

I can take them.

Hey, I'm sure you're probably looking at like these other protocols.

I saw it ahead.

He said, I can take, I can take any other security.

I've been waiting.

I've been sitting in this hall waiting for someone to take me on.

Oh,

we really, we just got here.

Let's wrestle.

Well,

should we?

I mean, yeah, come on.

Let's do it.

I got the oil.

Uh, hold on.

I got uh

what kind of oil do you I got a box?

I got what kind of oils do you got?

I got oils that you would put on a small creature.

Um

thank you everyone for gathering.

We're going to discuss ship-based meditation right now.

So as everyone can circle up very close to one another.

We're actually, we're okay.

I think we're just gonna grab this.

We're kind of in the middle of something.

We're gonna meditate first.

And I'm ooh, once we're done,

ooh, once we're done, we're gonna go elbow to elbow.

Someone's getting pinned.

Do you want to meditate before we wrestle?

I feel like perhaps we got us on the wrong threat here.

Living introduction, I'm out of C-53.

I'm a protocol drug.

This is AJ284.

He's a security officer.

What's up?

Y'all want to go?

I don't.

Let's go.

Yeah.

We're going?

Yeah, let's go, man.

Wait, who are you?

What's your name, man?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You just don't point at a person and say, what's your name?

Okay.

I have to proclaim my name.

All right.

All right.

I was waiting for the perfect moment, but now that you put me on the spot.

Oh, you want me to just...

Hey, we're just hanging out.

Oh, you came across my Jojo.

Oh, whoa.

Yeah, did you?

There's a whole different vibe for you.

It's very different.

You're right.

Yeah.

But this is the con.

And, you know, we still got to meditate, but once we're done,

I'm going toss you up and then rope you down.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Oh,

no, we'll see about it.

Oh, we're gonna see.

No, that's what I'm saying.

We're gonna see about it, man.

We are seeing about it.

Hey, Joe, we're not gonna fight in a random

whole scene here.

We're on meditation extra.

We're gonna meditate first.

Yeah, we're gonna meditate first.

Okay, guys, guys, they have lemonade.

Not now, Clex.

Captain Sidney was on my ship before, but then all of a sudden now Captain Sidney has their own ship.

But it's okay.

I'm not, you know, feeling left out of anything because.

Oh, your tears are flipping up into the.

Well, Captain Jerkins, how's your convention going?

I feel really good about it this year.

I met this captain right here, Captain Darr.

And I just feel like you know, this is this is the year that you know the SS Johnson is gonna get respect, you know.

Wait, hold on there,

the Johnson is bigger this year.

The chickens of the SS Johnson, yeah, yeah, you heard about the Johnson.

I mean, we got a new paint job, okay.

We I changed up the outside, so it's strong.

It's a strong, hard Johnson that I'm talking about can go from corner to corner.

Describe the new outside of the Johnson, if you will.

Oh, yeah, so

this is the thing: people kept making fun of the size of the old Johnson.

So, we added a couple layers on to the back.

It was a small Johnson, okay?

It was a small Johnson, but now we added a layer, so it's a bigger Johnson.

Okay, yeah, yeah, sure.

It's here.

Just jerkins.

Oh, wait, you guys, this is a set and you guys are happy about no jerkins.

They're making fun of you.

Wait, what?

It's so obvious.

They're all laughing.

No, I thought they were agreeing.

Damn it.

They do this.

They do this.

Johnson's also a slang euphemism.

I know what it is.

Okay.

I know what it is.

Okay.

Jerkins.

I don't want you to have to see this, you know?

But now you got to see how everyone treats me and my ship.

You don't deserve to be treated this way.

Maybe I should just come and join your crew and, you know, we co-captain.

We co-captain the game.

No, no, let's make you feel good about being the captain of your ship.

You know, when you get annoyed, I tag in and you get to take a nap and we just combine both ships.

I'm pretty happy on Bargie, you know, if you've heard of the Bargerian Jade.

Um, wow, Bargy,

yeah, wow, you know, they say she say she speaks.

Is it true?

Is she

does?

Wait, does the Johnson not speak to you?

No, my Johnson does not talk to me.

I mean, you knew that almost all ships are sentient.

Ooh, your face has fallen.

You did not know.

Snap, snap, snap.

You can hear me snap right.

Excellent.

Elijah, Luke, if you don't mind beginning the meditation.

What we're gonna do today is think deep about how we could maybe be.

Wow.

Yeah, I'm gonna get tutoring.

As you all know, meditation began thousands of years ago.

We're gonna give you the history of meditation before we begin.

Okay, slide seven, eight, nine, two hundred.

Once we've been in the slide, I'm telling you, you are me and your friend.

Don't close your eyes for a second, man.

Oh, don't you worry about it, brother.

Yeah, Elijah Lou, I don't think this is working.

We have some very aggravated people in the audience.

I'm seriously aggravated, aggravate everybody now.

Oh boy, you called it.

Teaching Darkness.

I'm sensing tensions are getting high.

Listen, Elijah Louis Bisho.

This meditation presentation?

What?

Pretty bad.

Oh, wow.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

I'm a diplomatic relations and protocol droid, I-79.

Listen, Bisho.

C-53 protocol.

I-79.

It sort of seemed like you weren't able to get your control, so I just

wanted to get away from it.

I don't fight, and also you're in some sort of blue-collar frame, which I really would prefer not to.

That's a long blowout.

I-79?

Man, that war record fire is awesome.

Put limitation on it.

Listen, meditation times is over.

All right, tag team match.

Me,

what's your name again?

Louie Lou?

Me?

I'm AJ.

No, not you.

We fighting.

I'm Elijah, Elijah Lou.

Me, Elijah Lou,

tag team partners.

A what?

Excuse me?

Versus you and Bisho, tag team.

Well, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Bisho, are you in?

I mean, they said we won't get paid unless we make people happy.

Lady on fire, are you into this?

Lady Owar has to be the rep.

Yeah, she's just so insistent.

This seems like this is coming in, badly.

Listen, I-79 despite our disagreements a moment ago.

Would you help me defuse the attention?

C-53, are you suggesting that we Royal Rumble with these four adversaries and tag in to try to take the title for ourselves?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, let's do it, lady on fire, we have the combatants.

Bisho, high or low, what do you want to do?

I guess, you know, that the safest thing is to be low.

So you gotta kneecap them.

Or no, to go high, because if they go low, we go high.

Go for the eyes.

Perfect.

Oh, gosh.

You know, I am peed off.

I am jacked off that.

Oh, a lot of people.

Excuse me?

The fonts are too small.

What?

Express yourself on B-shoot.

Okay, we're doing the updates for the Captain Guild.

Captains of the Guild, you know, it's been a good cycle.

You know, we got a lot of new members.

We kicked a lot of old members out.

We fought for some pay rises across the galaxy.

Yeah.

Yep, yep.

We did some voting amongst ourselves.

Kind of rearranged some of the people who were are in charge.

And like most guilds, that has no bearing on your daily life or career as captains.

And we'd like to release out in the public now the list of the captains who will not be continuing on this year.

This year, we're really just focusing on the captains who are no longer members of the guild.

Yeah.

Okay.

Captain number one.

Captain Cornwall Deems is

no longer in the guild.

Wow.

I came as a shock to that captain.

Yeah.

That's not even him.

That person is just surprised.

Yeah, he, just to be clear, he is no longer in the guild because he is deceased.

This person is just super shocked.

Just super, super shocked.

It's going to be a wow.

Yep, this happens every year.

Oh, wow.

stop it.

Oh, nope.

Okay.

You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready, my church.

Lady on fire.

I'm ready whenever you say.

Oh, wait, wait.

I'm gonna put some oil on to make sure I'm ready.

With the oil, man, what's the deal?

The oil helps you look a little stronger, and also it's harder to grip a person, so you get a little bit of an advantage.

Oh, I told you my plan.

I see my friend.

You gotta oil me up.

See, he's gonna oil himself up and be slippery, and

Yeah, all right, you know, high-power hydro existence.

That'll do.

It's pretty thick.

That's great.

Shoot it on me.

Let's do this.

Okay.

Oh, it smelled.

Yeah, it's fast.

Okay.

But I feel good.

It's so, it's very thick.

B-shoot, do you want oil?

I don't.

You're guilty about this.

I guess.

I can.

That was in my eyes.

I'm sorry.

This isn't.

This is an outtake, Valve.

It's been too much.

Oh, before we start, we need one thing.

You!

Lemonade boy!

Me?

Yeah!

I can't get involved.

You're double-fisting lemonades, boy!

Yeah, I was very parched.

Lemonade, boy.

You will be the announcer.

You want me to announce this match?

Yeah, you're going to announce it.

You're going to be our commentator.

I don't think I can do that.

Just do it, brother.

Okay, okay.

Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the traditional tag team wrestling match here at Capcom.

Wow.

doing an excellent job so far.

Thank you so much.

Captain number 17,

Muta Guta.

It was a good run.

Muta, no!

No, no, no.

I'm out.

Muta!

Failure to complete assigned missions.

Wait, you can get kicked out for that?

Um,

because between you and I, I don't think we ever really complete missions.

Dar.

How many missions have you won?

How many missions have you won?

You win the missions?

Jerkins, how many have you won?

I mean, I'm honestly the most awarded captain.

I try to solve a mission per day.

Keep my average up two per day if I can, you know.

My crew is good.

C69, she can.

I mean, you put a C69 out there.

Trust me, she's gonna make things happen.

I see why you're a captain.

I can't even lead us to complete most of our missions and

the ones that we do.

I don't want to toot my own horn.

Someone say horn?

No, no!

Hell no, no horns.

No, no, there's no horn.

No, no, no horn.

It would stand to reason that everybody's horns are

shinier and prettier and bigger than mine.

They're gonna play the horn.

It's traditional.

Wait, you don't you don't have a big old horn?

Dirkins' horn is weird.

Everyone knows it.

Come on.

Can I bend this to the left?

Okay, first off, it doesn't bend.

It leads to the left.

And that's just based on sometimes how you hold it.

But, you know.

I mean, he just walks right into it, says I.

Damn it.

I'm not going to say anything.

Oh, don't leave, Jerkins.

Come on.

No, no, no, I'm out.

Okay, I'm done.

Sydney, screw you.

Hey, Mark.

His?

Mark is a dumb name.

Screw you.

I don't know your name.

Screw you, too.

Dar, you're cool.

I'm running out of here.

Well,

I'm gonna float down and then run up.

Wait, Jerkins.

I'm not a joke.

I don't need you.

Jerkins, wait.

Out of curiosity, how many missions have any of you all won?

Hey, we don't like to speak of numbers.

I'll probably go on one later and win it.

15, 15.

None of us be good as Jerkins, but he's so thin-skinned, it's always fun to get his gird.

I'll come at our first.

Lemonade Boy, Intro Me.

In the scooter, weighing in at 337 pounds, oiled up from the floor up.

It's Macho

Joe.

And weighing in at 225 pounds,

the clone with a bone to pick, it's AJ284.

And weighing in at 3,075 pounds,

it's the Silicon Uncanny Valley Sea.

Let's get ready to tune them!

And that's the bell.

The three competitors converge in the center of the ring.

Much of John AJ's 284 locked up.

And C-53 is attempting to pin both wrestlers with his arms.

He's kind of pressing down on us, so let me go.

She let me go.

I'm like, I'm letting him go.

You let go.

You let go.

I'm tagging out.

AJ's tagging out.

And Biju enters the ring.

Macho Joe has tagged out as well.

And in comes Elijah Lou.

Bijou is a huge bird.

I don't really know how else to describe her.

Get your dirty, oily feathers out of the ring, Biju.

You made fun of my slideshow.

Imagine an eye-center to Biju.

You write the slideshow!

Five, eight.

I'm gonna wing you right in your face.

Did you wait for me?

Yes,

I will chuck you up, I promise you this.

No, I've been waiting my whole life for this.

Oh, and now C-53 has tagged in.

I-79!

I'm just going to stand aside during this encounter and uh take on the victor.

Strategically a very smart move, I certainly have.

You've been my nemesis this whole time, Dishu?

You know you've never meditated once in your life!

Wow.

They're just sort of laughing at it.

It seems that the two birds are sort of infighting, infighting, ignoring the droid in the ring.

I feel like they should step in as a diplomatic move rather than as a wrestling move.

I'm gonna grab I-79 by the legs and hands off him!

What's this?

Elijah Lou has picked up the droid and is swinging it at Speju as though he was some sort of cyborg back.

I-79 tag me, tag me.

Oh!

I-79 is torn off his own hand and he's throwing it to C-53 to tag him in!

Oh, first round.

Jerkins, Jerkens, wait.

Wait, how did you get an ice cream so fast?

The ice cream guy.

He's just right over there.

I just asked him for an ice cream and I got one.

Just the.

There are two of us.

That's ice cream.

Jerkins, you're.

I was in the back.

Jerkins, don't don't run off.

Come back.

You're captain.

No.

I'm tired of being made fun of, okay?

I'm tired of this.

And you know what?

I was going to tell them that today was the day they were going to get assassinated.

But you know what?

Jokes on them.

Jokes on them.

No, that's not a good joke.

What do you mean they're about to be assassinated?

Listen, okay, I told you.

Alright, my dreams tell me when things are going to happen.

Last night, I had a dream.

They were all going to float out of the little window into the atmosphere.

And it's going to happen.

Listen, Jerkins, I know that nobody likes you, and you give them a lot of reason not to.

And honestly, you're kind of the strongest captain in the bunch.

So,

thank you for noticing.

Everybody knows because you tell them, like, all the time.

Listen, what do you want from me?

You want me to go back?

You want me to save those people who made fun of me?

Yes,

I want you to do that.

Are you suggesting that we put the lives of those other captains who ridiculed us, who made us a joke above ourselves.

You take our pride out of it.

Wow.

Wait, they made fun of both of us?

Yeah, you too.

I just never told you about it.

I just.

It doesn't change anything.

We should still go.

You're right.

You are a wonderful captain.

I.

I.

I want to sit in this for so much longer.

No time.

Let's go.

Attention, Captain's Guild.

It is I, Cerebulon.

The Captain's Guild has thwarted me for too long, especially Captain Jerkins, who is the best and most annoying amongst you.

And I shall have my revenge.

For you see, I have reprogrammed this conference room's gravity mingler to send you all through the tiny window into the vacuum of space.

Enjoy your final missions.

lever over there.

I'm gonna pull it and when I pull it the door should close.

But it's your job to hold them down before they get out of here.

You gotta hold them down.

We cannot go in there.

We're gonna get sucked right up to the ceiling.

We need we need like anti-gravity boots or something that'll keep us grounded.

Wait.

Wait, ice cream guys.

How can we help?

Can you melt that ice cream?

Sure, you know.

Normally try to avoid it.

But would you melt that ice cream to save the captains?

Oh, wow.

Do you have to think about this?

Really?

Really?

Well, I mean, if somebody comes and wants the ice cream, then we're out.

It'll be melted.

We're talking about saving the captain's life.

You know what?

Just give me the give me the ice cream.

Okay.

Okay, dark.

You put the ice cream on our feet.

The ice cream will help us stick to the ground.

Oh, and if we added caramel and maybe chocolate sauce.

Yes, some chocolate sauce.

Oh, now you want toppings?

Yes.

You know, I'm going to put sprinkles because you know what?

Why not?

If you're going for all the toppings.

Yeah, it feels really nice.

A little crunch underneath the tozies.

All right.

We're going to do this.

I'm making my way over to the lever.

Okay.

Oh, man.

That section is really heavy.

Not yet.

Alright, see?

Today, you're going to get sucked out in this campus.

We only lost one ice cream guy.

Which one was it?

Sometimes this casualty is a war.

But how it is a match for the agents, folks.

Here we are at round three.

Hopefully, we'll see some clean, skilled wrestling.

It's time for the Flirt Ferno!

Wait, what's a Flirt Ferno?

That's when we're all in there, brother.

Yeah, a Flirt Ferno is when all combatants enter the ring at the same time.

Wait, that's allowed?

That's right.

Let's get in there.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a full-out Flirt Ferno.

All wrestlers are in the ring fighting at once.

I can't believe it.

This never happens.

This never happens.

All of the wrestlers are simultaneously slapping, scratching, pecking, throwing, lifting, squishing.

You know, I understand that I'm the one who suggested this tournament, but I feel like maybe we should have a moment to just...

Oh, shit!

Whoa, Bishop just clothes like this!

Just nibbling him so much.

oil

made him more appealing as a target of attack.

I want to sew myself.

See, this oil is corroding my armor.

It's

a corroding.

I'm just going to pin you over.

See, Jeffy 3 is pinning.

AJ 288.

Hydraulic is stuck in the lower position.

What's this?

What's wrong?

He's seizing up.

His forklift arms are not working.

It's as though he lacks the lubrication to move them.

I used to pull my oil again.

Macho Joe, now climbing into the driver's seat on C53,

turning levers, pulling knobs, what's happening?

I'm pinning them.

I might be a meditation instructor, but I know a fused hydraulic is not good for a droid in a wrestling match.

Oh, no.

Wow, that's a

I didn't mean to.

What did you do to Elijah, Rob?

How dare you?

Wait, we're in the same team.

Let's bang him out, dead people.

There's so many chairs.

Lady on fire keeps throwing fucking chairs into the ring.

Is this part of the flirtator?

Lady on fire.

Tell us.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Killing each other is the only way to end the match?

The only way you can safely end the matches is if everyone's knocked on

everyone counts as picked in the matches,

competitors, I believe I may have a solution.

Oh no, I-79 has produced a small device that is blinking!

I do have this kinetic stun beacon, which is only to be used in extreme diplomatic circumstances, but it may serve the purpose.

I apologize in advance.

He's pushing the button.

The only person who's up is the

lady.

Macho Joe ain't so much oh no,

Captain Jerkins, you saved us all.

And the bylaws clearly state that if a captain saves all of the other captains from an assassination attempt, that captain is promoted to guild president.

That makes sense to me!

Ah, man.

It's alright.

I just want to say thank you for helping me find my courage.

Thanks, Captain.

No, thank you, Captain.

No, thank thank you, Captain.

Oh, sorry, I just got my first piece of paperwork.

Ha ha!

Oh,

dar, ya.

Your dues.

Have you never paid dues?

There are dues.

What?

What?

No, no,

not you.

Not you, Dar.

What?

Welcome back, brothers and sisters.

That was the real meditation for meditation, Joe.

Haha.

Wait, what?

What the job?

What do you mean?

You all feel relaxed.

You had a nap.

You're welcome.

Wait, this was a good idea.

So this was entirely part of the meditation?

Oh, yeah, brother.

What about the contracts we signed?

Those were actually acceptance forms so you would accept what was going to happen in

the meditation.

You got to get your passion out.

Then you got to get knocked out.

What about the vomiting?

Oh, that's on you, brother.

Oh, okay.

That's good.

Wow, meditation Joe.

Thank you, and thank you, lady on fire.

Hey, Johnson

Johnson

and you could talk the whole time?

The whole time.

Back to science.

Johnson, no one's gonna believe me.

Johnson.

Johnson.

Johnson, you don't.

Johnson, if you come back,

I will tell everybody that you are the hero of every mission.

Right security officer fire lady.

This is Sea Red IT5 Credits and Attributions Joint Commencing Outro Protocol.

Plec Deck Setter i79 and the Surviving Ice Cream Guy were played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent.

Captain Darr and the The Lady on Fire were played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie the Ship and Bijoux were played by Mujan Zolfagari.

T-Mom Nerm Bundaloy, Elijah Lou, and Walter the Ice Cream Guy, May He Rest in Peace, were played by Seth Lind.

AJ and Captain Tealbeard, the Pirate Captain, were played by Winston Null.

Captain Jerkins and Macho Joe were played by special guest Jara Milligan.

Jara is a co-creator and co-star of the Netflix sketch series Astronomy Club.

He is also a co-host of Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood, a comedy podcast that reviews films with leading actors of color.

His acting credits include Black Mirror, Blue Bloods, Broad City, City, and Alternatino.

And his directing credits include DZ and Miro on Showtime and MTD After Hours.

Follow him on Twitter at Jera Milligan.

This episode was edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

The digital performance by the Charme Street Brass Quintet.

Opening call narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Shift design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Huge thanks to everyone supporting us during the Max Fun Drive.

Join them and us at maximumfund.org/slash join

maximumfund.org comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Seth, we actually did need you while you were gone.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I had to kill a giant, a really big cockroach.

Welcome back.

Welcome back to New York.

Welcome.

My pit bull would not not do it.

My pit bull ran away from the cockroach.

And so I normally catch and release them off the balcony.

But this was, I needed to be fast, so I did.

I killed it.

Wow.

You had to do what you had to do.

I had to.

Them podcasts are worth taking a life for.

Yeah.