417: The Daming of the Crew [ft. Alise Morales]

It is a time of chaos.

Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course the colossal All Wheat.

Which looks like an enormous interdimensional eye with conjunctivitis.

Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mission to Zinx.

Hey Black.

Uh yeah, what is it, Captain?

What is it that you're doing right now?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked.

I'm just putting a little shrimp on all of the surfaces of the ship.

Yeah, like the fridge, on top of the fridge, there's a about

a couple dozen shrimp.

The thing is, I'm trying to summon two.

You remember two from the singularity?

Oh, I see.

So you're showing up when we were talking about shrimp.

So I think if I just cover the ship in shrimp, then that will sort of bring him to us and he can finally answer some questions that I am very interested in knowing the answers to.

First of all, what is Two's relationship with Bino?

And if Bino and Tu know each other, how old is Tu and how old is Bino?

Slick, you gotta stop it.

You gotta stop this right now.

You don't have time.

He just slew throw a tray of shrimp out of my hands.

Well, you don't have time to be throwing shrimp around Bargie.

You have to take responsibility because today you are second lieutenant in it.

I am?

Yep, I just said it, so it's a fact, and it's...

That's the thing.

That's the thing now.

You're second lieutenant in it.

Yeah.

Congrats.

Congratulations.

Have a job.

Oh.

Wow.

Can I finish putting the shrimp out or is uh do I have a please take those away?

Okay,

Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from temporary emergency serial negotiations, missions operations manager.

Hey, Nermi, how's it going?

Hey, guys, that man, no horse hat on the top.

You know, horse hat.

Horse hats with Nermit, you know, right now.

Captain Dari,

second transmission from temporary emergency

transmission

Hey, crew, I just holding Horse Hat back because that big red hang-up button is so it just looks tantalizing.

That's true.

Yeah, Horse Hat, good, good, good, good, good.

I mean, Horse Hat doesn't have to sit in your lap at work, though.

This is like a bonding thing, and a little concerned about your legs.

Can you feel anything down there?

I think I'm only a head and a shoulder.

Nermit, does Horse Hat have a mission for us or what?

Does horse?

No, Horse Hat doesn't.

I'm still giving the mission.

Are the babies giving missions now?

Okay.

No, I can't.

Oh, but the mission sounds so cute when Horse Hat gives us the mission.

I have a.

No, Horse Hat, don't, don't, don't,

missionary Nermit.

Yes,

Hi, Sisu Gundu running for galactic leader.

Hello.

Hi there.

Nermit, can you stop whatever it is that you're doing and immediately just follow me?

My 1700-pound child is pretty much running the show right now.

I love how we have Parent Children Day.

What?

Let get.

Okay, I'm a mother.

I know what to do.

Oh, thank you.

Do you know how to get horse hat down from this drain pipe?

My family used to use a lullaby that put all of us to sleep.

Horse hat, you are sleeping.

Think of success.

The only way is up.

Oh, wow.

They dropped right down.

They're taking a nap.

Wow.

Okay, so I was about to sign the old mission here.

Yeah, so I'm overriding whatever it is that you're doing.

Oh, Nermit, as you know, the poll numbers have been coming in, and despite the fact that I am overqualified, I am an expert on practically everything, and I'm being humble about it, you know?

It's just a fact.

I'm not showing off.

I just studied very hard and spent a lot of my life rising to the top.

And what's wrong with that?

You know, my poll numbers are not doing well.

It seems that people would rather get a drink with honky-tonk ronka.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And all the sick freaks out there are apparently a huge voting block and they're all wanting to sticky with IQQ.

This is a problem.

Shoulder to shoulder of sex work.

So, we need to go speak to the dame.

The dame.

This is an important mission.

It will get us to finally understand what it is about the past that has made the future so jucked up and what we can do to change it.

Wait, the dame?

The past?

You don't mean

Dame Adelaide Wiggles.

Wiggles, wow!

Dame Adelaide Wiggles.

We have access to Dame.

Well, I'm gonna go get on my tightest pants.

Oh, okay.

Wait,

sorry, are those not your tightest pants, CC?

Nope, of course that's up.

Alright, we'll see you later, Nermit.

I love yours.

CPU 3, who is Dame Adelaide Wiggles?

Well, I mean.

You don't know the dame?

Oh, she's great.

I would say I hardly need to explain, but clearly I do for

you and almost certainly AJ.

Huh?

Dame Adeline Wiggles is both the longest lived and the only surviving sign of the Memorex people.

Memorex?

Yes, they have perfect memories, flawless reproductions in their minds of historical events.

They are arguably the only people who can be trusted to faithfully recount the history of the galaxy.

That's incredible.

I didn't even know these people existed.

Well, they barely do.

There's one laugh.

Now, just

Yeah.

Boy, what a memory!

Awaken, gunfollowers.

Awaken.

Your cryo-slumber is over.

Finally, we embark on the last leg of our voyage.

A voyage into the whole wheat itself.

Yes, yes, we have heard the rumors of an imminent plan to thwart our beloved and merciless Gunth Bean.

But that caper will not prevail.

Because nothing can contain a supermad black hole that's on fire.

Now, to ready yourself to be gloriously consumed, please notice the small drawer that is opening in your part.

Take the earbuds you see therein and place them in your ears.

Listen

to

that.

These are no ordinary listening devices, dear Zealot.

These are Raycon earbuds.

Whether you're working from home, working on your fitness, or, in our case, enduring your final days as a being separate from your beloved destroyer, you want what you're listening to to be what you're listening to, not whatever impious hollow your roommate is blasting.

Stop, I know what you're thinking.

Bundle leader, did you spend all of our precious all-wheat tribute on earbuds?

No.

For Acon earbuds start at just half the price of other premium wireless earbuds on the market, but sound just as amazing.

Plus, we received 15% off our order at buyraycon.com slash zix.

That's buyraycon.com slash zix.

Why have we provided these to you?

Well, for the remainder of your journey, you will hear nothing but 336 uninterrupted hours of the divine meditative hum of the All Wheat itself.

Commander Gundu, it's a real honor to have you on a mission with us today.

Absolutely.

Platte Dexter, I heard that you now have a new title.

Oh,

really?

When did you hear that?

Your captain, oh, Dar, I told her, obviously.

Yes, second lieutenant in it.

That is an honor I've known many in my day.

That's actually not.

Sorry, I have to take a call, but I am focusing and I am walking.

So, AG, why don't you go check the perimeter?

We could also

be in

the same way to this.

You mean better than crumbling and falling to the ground?

Yeah, that is.

I was trying to put it more difficult.

Thank you, AJ.

Thank you.

It is beautiful, though, right?

I mean, you know, in a sort of

front door, I am supposed to give a poem for the door to open.

I mean, it's

fallen down, so we could just cross

the threshold.

It's not a problem.

I believe in protocol.

Oh, sure.

I have to respect it.

I am but a tiny seed from which I fly endlessly.

Open thy door and let me in.

My name is Sisu Gundu.

Oh, he wrote the poem.

At the beginning, I thought.

Okay, never mind.

Welcome, Miss Sisu.

A tiny seed you are.

Dame Wiggles, it is an honor to meet you.

Where are you?

I don't see you.

Do you see the shadow?

I don't see you.

Oh, okay.

Hello.

I've been expecting you.

Really?

Oh.

How's that possible?

I always wake up expecting someone that way.

I'm never surprised.

Also, I made an appointment online.

Oh, yeah, that's interesting.

I assume you're here for my memories.

I would be correct, dear wiggles.

We're just cutting right to the chase.

And are you not intimidated by the beauty of my opulent mansion?

We were actually just talking about that.

Have you ever seen such splendor?

No, we've never seen anything like this.

No.

Dame Wiggles, it must take a lot of work to keep a manor this large in good shape.

Oh, yes, but my little helpers tend to that.

Where are my little helper?

Helpers!

Helpers!

Get to tending!

It's just these mice!

Yeah,

Yes, indeed.

Explains why a lot of the structural problems aren't being addressed.

If anybody wants to know what the smell is, there's a couple of little helpers that may not have made it.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, everybody.

I need to take...

Uh, I need to take this other call right now.

It's very important.

But I will be back, and I am focused, and I'm ready to learn about what in the past has caused the future to be the way it is.

Okay.

She's been taking calls the entire time.

Isn't she the one who's supposed to

get the information that she wants?

And she came back just to tell us she had to stay on the call?

So, Dame Wiggles, have you lived here in the manor your whole life?

Yeah, were you two to manor born?

What?

What a question.

And what a history there is to answer such a question.

She's singing out a little bag of home.

Yeah, this is opulent.

What is happening?

Where are we?

Adelaide, my sweet child, would you like your coffee out on the terrace or in the bath?

There I am.

You've traveled back in one of my memories, and there I am as but a young girl.

She looks the same.

Please, Mama, I'll kick everything in the bath.

That's me.

Wiggles, this is one of your memories.

It is indeed.

One of my most precious.

Keep watching.

Okay.

Of course, my little darling daughter.

But before we do, let us say goodbye to your dear papa as he goes off to war.

Goodbye, Papa.

As you can see, I'm going off to war.

My papa was going to war.

Kill the enemy.

Hopefully.

And hopefully, not break out myself.

Lysula wiggles?

Yes,

this is the war of the Kingrishian oligarchs.

This was 400 years ago.

It is indeed.

This actually wasn't the last time I saw him.

He was in a commander's position, ultimately kept far away from the fighting.

Oh, so he survived the war.

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

So, why are we in this memory?

I mean, but I guess my question is: how do we get out of this?

That's a good question.

Dame Wiggles, how do we leave?

Oh, never you mind that.

Oh, okay, so you just hit the old stick on the ground and then we go back to the present or out of your memories.

Okay.

Dust to go, stick to return.

It's actually quite easy.

Very interesting.

Yeah.

But the stick, you can't use the stick to go.

Oh, no, you could never use the stick to go, you ridiculous boy.

Oh, sorry.

Okay.

Ugh.

You know, many years ago you'd get killed for a question like that.

Foolishness.

She's actually not wrong about that.

I mean, I wouldn't mind seeing that.

And here we have an execution.

What did you do?

Wow, you're there.

You're operating the guillotine.

Oh, yeah.

That was my first job as an adolescent manning this guillotine.

She looks damn

you really I mean I guess I should say Dame Wiggles you haven't aged today since this memory.

Thank you.

Hey look

I can put my hand through his body because we're not actually here.

No, it does harm him in real life.

It does.

It actually the very it's an interesting bit of magic, but you have hurt him badly.

Oh.

Still alive though.

Quiet, you

so we can also interact with your memories.

Certainly, he'll spend the rest of his life wondering what happened to him that day, and he will never know.

Literally, there's a guillotine halfway through his neck.

Well, his final moments are filled with questions, then, aren't they?

This makes no sense.

Poor guy.

Now, there are innocent questions.

Stop poking your hand in here.

Anyway, I eventually quit this job.

Yeah, good job.

The hours were unbelievable.

The hours were ridiculous.

Morning, noon, and night was absolutely exhausting.

So, I totally get what we learned by coming to this part.

The dangers of asking innocent questions.

Yeah.

Yeah, like it's summer jobs suck too, right?

I guess that's all.

Absolutely.

Most of them are pretty good.

Pretty gory way to learn that lesson, I think.

So, is there something else you wanted?

I thought you wanted to see an execution.

Oh,

I can show you another one.

This one was one of my favorites, and I didn't even do this one.

Take the evil, put it in a sandwich.

Oh,

I don't like this.

And do you know what he did?

Oh,

no idea.

He did a ridiculous dance at an inappropriate time.

Flex, show her your dance.

Oh, God.

It's a little.

Was it like this?

Was it like this dance?

Look, this is a memory dangerous here.

Well, normally we just observe the memories, but if you dance around like an idiot, you're bound to draw some attention.

No, do the stick thing.

Do the stick, use the shaggy sandwich.

If you insist on the skin,

when Lego, we wanted his leg sandwich.

Oh no, I brought him.

I brought him a wood.

I brought him.

Hold on, hold on.

Am I still eating his leg to death?

What's happening?

Cause they were eating him like a sandwich.

We used to do that.

Used to?

It's gonna be very confusing for this guy.

Uh, servants,

my little helpers.

Take him and explain to him everything that's happened.

Oh, so this is a future, isn't it?

It is.

Alright, checking it.

Sorry, crew, I'm in the middle of doing 20 things at once.

Again, thank you so much for bearing with me.

Dame, I am ready.

You know, Sisu, actually, we've been in a couple memories already.

Yeah, pretty intense.

It's okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, that guy is from one of the memories.

Oh!

It's making more sense now.

Okay,

good, good.

Wow, real progressive old-timey guy.

Hi, Sisu Gunju, nominee for Galactic Leader.

Nice to meet you.

These memories have been great, but could we maybe try going to a memory that would be a little more relevant to Sisu's, you know, mission?

Absolutely!

Oh, I can't come!

Welcome!

Alright, so Sisu, this is a memory.

Oh, sorry, I'm in the middle of seven conference calls right now.

Just keep doing what you're doing, I'm observing.

Now, this is one of my most favorite memories.

Okay, good.

Where I have the most delightful set of biscuits.

Oh,

that's nice.

There I am, right over there.

Oh.

This looks like sort of like a craft services table.

How is visiting the set of a hollow gonna help Sisu?

There's chrome everywhere, there's velvet on the loading dock.

I have some questions about the script.

Okay, is anyone available to talk to me about it?

I barge it.

Yeah, sure, no problem.

This is the big scene with you and the game.

It's gonna be good.

Here's the thing: I don't think my character would act this way, you know.

I don't believe in it.

Oh, see, here's the thing: it doesn't matter what you think, because I wrote it and you're in it.

How dare you?

Wait, here's a question: Is there like a crew of us inside of Barge?

This is middle.

This is a very old memory

before

we joined the crew.

Oh, okay.

Cause, I don't know, it feels like everything's up for grab, so Dame Wiggles, what's the name?

What's the name of the film?

She's just housing those biscuits.

Two points so far.

The name of the the film was Ship Please.

Ship please?

Of course!

You were in Ship Please?

Yes, I was!

Yes, I was!

Wait, but there's no name!

That's because I performed under my stage name.

Mm-hmm.

Joan Crawford.

Joan Crawford.

So this scene is a wonderful scene in the film with Dame Wiggles, or Joan as we know her, is testing your doorbell, Budge.

Alright.

Hi, Joan.

Um, nice to meet you.

My name is the Bargerian J.

Oh, we should have introduced you, Sarah.

Wait, so who are they talking?

Are they talking...

Which which one are we talking to?

Are we talking to the one that's the old one or the old?

Which is the old one?

This is gonna be kind of a difficult time for you in general, but

we're back in this memory with Dame Adeline Wiggles, the one we met in the manor.

But there's another Adeline Wiggles.

Yes.

She's doing the scene bargain.

Can I be honest with you guys?

I hate this.

I hate this.

It's confusing to me, and I don't like tiny, wimey stuff.

Well, I don't think it's timey-wimey age.

It's just a memory.

You know, it's more like a sort of a fish picture.

It's confusing.

Hold for room tone.

Hold for room tone.

Hold it for room tone.

That I get.

And this is where I blew it.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I couldn't stop eating those cookies, and I was crunch, crunch, crunching through room tone.

And that's why Ship Please is my first

and

last

film.

I was going to say

just in the background of Ship Please never in a scene.

Wow.

But this is still one of your favorite memories.

The biscuits were that good, and I remember them vividly to this day.

Well, you're eating one right now.

Yes, that's why I come back to this memory.

Wait, hold on.

So, you can eat the food in the memories and you taste them past you.

No, current, you taste the

past cookies.

Okay, I have a question.

The more you come back, are there fewer biscuits on the plate because you've been eating them as present you traveling back to the memory?

That is a question for another day.

I'm sorry, I gotta just take a back seat.

No, you're the second lieutenant in it.

Ask all the stupid questions you want.

Oh,

where is Sisu?

Last I saw

she was on a call by the carousel in the memory.

Hold on a second.

So we are traveling.

If we can leave Sisu in a memory,

we're effectively traveling back in time.

Oh, yes.

Don't you trouble your pretty little head about it.

Wait, so

we've left her in the memory.

She's ceased to exist.

AJ, you're not gonna like this.

I know you hate timey-wimy stuff.

What happened?

We left Sisu in the memory.

And in fact, only exists now in the past.

How do we know about it?

The mice don't know, but we

know that.

We were there.

They were there with us.

My head hurts.

And honestly, it would just be completely insane for us not to know who Sisu is anymore.

We wouldn't have been here in the first place.

Dame Wiggles, we have to return to that memory on the set of ship please.

We have to remember that memory or travel back in time.

What do we

do?

No, it's fine.

He's not the first person to break down in Wiggles Manor.

Over some memory hopping, I assure you.

Are we sure?

Yeah, no, no, no.

Are we sure?

No doubt.

It's a fun one.

No.

I'm wearing a hilarious hat.

Let's do it.

No!

No!

Hey, look at my little hat!

I can't handle it.

I can't handle it, Jay Wiggles.

No, you can't do it again.

My brothers, and one of your memories.

You gotta forgive us, Emily.

Our friend's having a real rough day today with this.

Oh, he's not the first one to have a mental breakdown.

No, no, don't take us.

Don't think that.

Don't take us.

We're about to see a memory of a memory.

How is that possible?

Oh, and this one's fun too.

This one, I've got the most delightful little ring.

Wait, so now there's, just to be clear here, so there's you and the advocacy wiggles we met.

There's the adolient wiggles in the memory we were just in, who took us to the memory.

And now there's the advocacy wiggles whose memory we're currently watching!

And we're back on the set of shit please!

Please?

My nose is bleeding!

But you can tell which one I am because I don't have the hat or the ring and I'm not eating biscuits.

Yes, but you are eating a a biscuit right now.

Well, yes, well, this is, I had to have one.

If we're going to be back here again, I had to have one.

Cecil.

Wait, wait, Cecil's directing.

Bargie, I loved what you did in the lesson, but I feel like you weren't exactly there.

You know what I mean?

I want you to go inside and find the child Bargie within and use it in your acting.

Does that sound good to you, Bargie?

Are you sure you want us to take her back?

She's really making the film better.

Hey, can we get some tighter pants on the extras?

Everyone, do you like

doing legends for Sisu?

Uh, sorry, if you want to speak to me, you need to speak to my assistant.

Thank you.

Wait, Sisu, why are you directing this shit, please?

Ah, yes, to be a director is such a story, right?

It starts at the beginning, which is the director earlier this afternoon had a mental breakdown because there were no more tiny little cookies.

So no one's gonna do anything.

I'm gonna take over and use my artistic integrity to make this piece even better.

Wow.

Now, which union are you from?

I mean, guess what?

It's us, your crew.

Yeah.

Oh, the union crew.

Yes, we'll definitely be having a memory.

Hold on a second.

This is the same day as the memory before, but she doesn't remember us anymore.

Wait, what?

That doesn't even make sense, knowing it doesn't make sense.

Wait, I know how we're gonna get her back.

AJ, take off your helmet.

Can you see Sue?

Yes, hi.

Have you met my friend here?

Oh, hello.

Hey there.

I'm sorry, Beef.

Sorry about my nose.

Are you in a lot of party?

Are you a.

Are you an actor?

I'm sorry, I

you look so familiar, but I don't know.

She seems into me, but I don't want it to be like this.

You got this, AJ.

Keep going.

AJ, give it all you got.

That's a direct order.

Sir, yes, sir.

Listen, you don't belong here.

None of us do.

Then, if you know what's good for you, you'll come back with us.

What's he doing with me?

To where you belong.

What is his voice at?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm so into it.

I think we can go back now.

Yeah, Dean Wiggles.

We could perhaps request a stick.

Alright.

Sisu!

Sisu, are you alright?

Uh, yes, sorry, I uh have a bit of a migraine.

I guess that's what happens when you go

to the field.

I'm sorry, what year is it?

What's happening?

Who am I?

Am I ready for it?

You ready for leader of the galaxy?

Of course, yes.

We're your favorite crew.

We're your favorite crew.

Yeah, we're successful.

Wow,

yes.

Perfectly natural.

Wow, um, Dame, I.

That was so many things.

Dame Wiggles, what?

You're welcome.

Can you explain what just happened?

Well, if it wasn't obvious already,

we have been traveling through time.

We left Miss Sisu back in one of my memories.

If you spend too much time in one of the memories, you start to get folded into the memories.

And that, my dears, is what you've been experiencing.

You know,

time travel explanations are never satisfying.

But

these feel less satisfying than most, honestly.

These feel like made up.

Yeah.

Well, I have to thank you.

I've never felt such respect as I did in that moment being in charge of Ship Please, which,

wow.

I'm just checking up on one of my tablets right now, and the rating of ship please went from one and a half stars to

three and a half stars.

Wow, so that's gonna change things for Bargie, isn't it?

Also, it says co-directed by Sisu directed.

That's me.

I thought you got folded into the memory.

What if I was a girl?

She did.

She did.

And now she's back.

As a reward for traveling through time and space, I will now give you.

Rewards?

Sisu gets a reward.

rewarded

I'm sorry I have a call I I apologize I have another call so y'all

Sisu just pay attention to this part really

you know what is very important also is trying to unify a galaxy who is that call with you you literally just

let's

play.

She's your boss.

I am the second lieutenant on this ship, and I will see you.

Alright, I have to strip you of your title.

You're done.

What?

You don't yell at Sisu.

What?

Okay, all right.

Dean Wiggleson, you had a reward.

Anyway, I was going to give you this delightful ring.

I stole it from my memory when I was in the middle of the ring.

You have a tiny ring.

My little tiny ring, isn't it adorable?

It's very cute.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

If you stole the ring from the memory, then the other you that traveled back with the guy whose brother got stuck,

she wouldn't say, Look at the cute ring I'm wearing.

And also, we wouldn't be able to tell the difference between you with the ring and you without the ring in the time we went back to that memory, the second time.

Oh, my nose is bleeding.

This doesn't

make sense.

How would we ever?

Enjoy the little ring, Cleck.

No, okay.

I don't want the ring.

Put it back.

You have to put it back in the past!

Well, I've had a great time, and I'm not gonna question time travel at all.

But now that it's just the two of us, I do have a favor to ask.

Anything, my dear.

I just I'm starting to regret stripping Pleck of his title.

I mean, I just gave it to him, and I feel like it, you know, he was starting to click back into the crew.

Could we just go back like five minutes?

Five minutes?

Yeah.

Five minutes.

Okay.

Yeah, no problem.

Dust in the face.

Happened many times.

I'm sorry, I have a call.

I apologize.

I have another call.

Okay, now, at what point can I interact with my past self and change the future?

You can do it now.

Once you make the choice to jump in, you're in, baby.

Okay, so I can just run in there and tackle myself.

It's fine.

Don't say it!

Alright, I just stripped you.

Oh,

there's excuse me, get off of me.

No, no, no, this is important.

You're about to make a grave error.

Dar,

two darks?

I mean, it could be darn horse hat.

Oh, that's a good point.

Darn it.

Darn, what's happening?

I'm trying to fix something right now.

But I feel like he really overreached there.

I mean, yeah, watching it again, I'm like,

are we really vibing?

Am I crazy?

But are we really vibing?

We are really vibing right now.

Oh boy.

Okay.

Yes.

Hey, Dar.

Hi.

Hey, Dar.

What's up?

Is everything okay with what happened?

Okay.

Yeah,

everything's pretty much normal.

Okay.

Um,

there are two darks.

Wait, hold on, AJ.

Isn't this what you've been training for?

This is a classic time loop.

You love time loops.

I've been training because it's bad.

I've prepared for them because I hate them.

You don't train for stuff that is fun.

Like, why would you?

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

No, it's how it was to be expected.

Okay.

Yeah.

Um, teamwiggles, we

really thank you for this experience.

It's bad.

Oh, you're welcome.

Eye-opening, dude.

But we never really learned what the past is supposed to teach us about the present.

You know, we were supposed to bring some sort of lesson back to Sisu.

Where is Sisu?

Gang, good news.

I figured it out.

Everything is perfect.

Thank you, dame.

Everything you said came quite clear, and I've definitely learned my lesson of how to move ahead in this election.

You're quite welcome.

Correct, everybody?

Uh I guess what did you learn, Sisu?

Well, second lieutenant plaque, I've learned it at the end of the day, no matter what, through thick and thin.

It's all about

keeping it

tight.

And gang, I think I've kept it very tight.

Oh, I love that.

Okay.

And dame Wiggles, I know you only have five more minutes left of your life, because that is the natural progression of your species.

That kid.

Indeed, I do.

Five minutes?

Five minutes?

What?

You know how five minutes it should be.

All of us together.

Is there any final memory that you'd like to take us?

Oh.

Why am I...

What happened?

Why am I in this memory?

Wait, why is AJ here?

I just thought it would be fun to bring him along.

I just thought it would be fun.

Wait.

Hey, Pleck.

Hold on a second.

Pleck, does this look familiar to you?

Yeah, this place, I've been here before.

Wait a second.

This is Florp.

Look over there.

That's us.

Back when we were working for the Federated Alliance.

Dean Wiggles,

were you...

Were you here when we met with the Kula?

Yes, I was.

I was right over there.

Look.

This was the day that I lost my delicate little opera gloves.

And you can see me right over there, and I'm looking for them all over the place.

There was such lovely lace, and I never once found them again.

Look, look.

It's me.

Oh, my God.

Remember those koozies that we had that we gave out to everybody?

Oh, right.

As if that was something that anyone wanted.

I just want to clarify that I am paying attention, but I'm also writing my novel

in a speech, and I have seven

conversations going on in my earpiece.

So I'm paying attention, though.

Hutchins, let's break through the clutter.

Oh, darn.

You know, listen,

I've thought about this a lot.

I've always really owed you a real apology for shooting you.

Oh, no.

I was so startled by the gunshot.

Yeah, Flex shot me.

Shot me good.

Darret getting back up.

Why are you getting back up?

One of us getting back up?

Oh, well, this is the part where I found a napkin that I thought was one of my little gloves.

And so I wasn't really paying attention to what happened here because I was so excited, and then it turned out to be a napkin, if you don't believe it.

Dame Wiggles, this is all wrong.

Dar isn't following us.

Dart got on the ship with us.

We all left.

Right, we were running back to the ship.

No, it was chaotic.

Pleck misfire.

Pleck shot me right here near my brain and left of the brain.

Yeah.

And then, of course, you know, as we were running, I...

Oh,

wait a second.

I died.

What?

I died.

No, no, you got on the ship with us and then we went off and we talked to Nerman.

You can't fake that.

That was on the cube of a Federated Alliance sanctions.

Do you have actual proof of me getting shot and then getting up, or just that I was shot and then later you saw me?

I don't have that file.

I can work.

This doesn't make any sense.

Well, you know, I'm just a little old lady with only five minutes to live.

Three minutes to live, but.

I think I know what I have to do.

No, you can't do this.

I have to.

Oh, wow, subsensual.

AJ, this is gonna be a strange order, but I'm your captain, and I need you to take out your butt gun and shoot me.

Okay, no question here.

Let's do it.

Not just anywhere.

I need it to be in a specific non-lethal spot, left of my brain.

Right here.

Uh-huh.

You got it.

Ah!

Dar.

No, Dar, come back.

No, let Dar go.

I mean, that Dar, I'm gonna stay right here.

That Dar's gonna get on Bargie with all of you right now.

Wait a second.

So if that Dar

got onto the ship with us, that's the Dar that has been with us this whole time.

That Dar, that's you.

You're that Dar from before.

I oh, my nose is bleeding.

Oh, no, now everyone's nose is bleeding.

All right, alright, it's time to go.

Dar, are you okay?

I think

I'm okay.

It was really hard to see me go, but

I love to watch me walk away.

That's beautiful.

Wait a second, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Dar, why don't you remember doing that?

Dame Wiggles, if you came, yes, I believe you mentioned somebody left behind and a memory would adapt to that timeline.

Thus, their memory of the future would dissipate within months.

So, Dar, I guess is you lost your memory of the future when we left you in the past.

Hey, guys, what did I miss?

I just mind-wiped myself.

Perfect!

Then, great, nothing at all.

In that case, this is Dame Wiggles.

Oh, hi!

Hello.

I'm about to die.

Oh, I feel like I'm dying.

Momentarily,

I'll be dying.

No.

Yes, my little servant,

it's my time.

I trust you all got everything that you needed.

You know,

in a way, we really, really did.

Did we?

I don't remember.

Well, Miss Sisu, I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors.

Yes, absolutely.

Trevor, tell me the numbers.

Dame Wiggles,

you know, it seems silly coming in the last seconds of your life, but thank you.

Well, you're all very welcome.

Also, Dame Wiggles, if I may.

Oh, she's dead.

Oh, choked on a biscuit.

Yeah, popping up.

She started fucking biscuits.

Spilling out.

Oh, she died doing what she loved.

Mowing down on biscuits and traveling through time.

Wait, what?

You did time travel stuff?

Hello?

Ha ha, it worked.

By the Lord Rod Above, it chucking worked.

This is...

I am.

Hark.

Hark!

Tardagast!

I was a pilot, yes, eons ago.

Or was it just moments ago?

I was locked in an endless psychedelic prison between dimensions, a paradoxical checkmate between layers of reality shifting through my very being as I was transported between digital, ephemeral, psychic, and physical planes.

I met myself in many forms, saw the Big Bang and the heat death of the universe, always fighting tooth and nail to return to my own reality.

For a brief moment, I was able to communicate with my old rebel commander and trivia night partner, Sisu Gundu.

But the decryption algorithm, known only to her trusted comrade Dale, must have gotten lost or corrupted somehow.

But my continued efforts were not in vain.

The eternal dimensional loop in which I found myself ensnared was finally broken as I witnessed a rift in the space-time continuum through which I saw Sisu, Sisu herself traveling between realities, crossing paths with herself in the past, presumably in an effort to locate me along her own experiential timeline.

Because, as Dale is undoubtedly aware, when two temporal paradoxes collide, they create a link back to the present.

And it was there that I spied my single chance in Infinity to slip back into my own reality.

But how was I able to slip through the nearly dimensionless rift, you ask?

Well, this transmission, and indeed my very corporeal existence, is brought to you by Manscaped, dedicated to being the best in men's below-the-belt grooming.

Yes, my chiseled hirsuit body would never have squeezed between dimensions without a long overdue trim.

The amount of friction body hair causes when traversing paradoxical realities would surely have ripped me limb from limb.

But the new and improved Lawnmower 3.0 trimmer gives you a smooth, precise trim and features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents, thanks to Manscaped's advanced skin-safe technology.

The Lawnmower 3.0 is water-resistant, lasts up to 90 minutes, and features an LED light for a closer trim, or to escape a dimension entirely devoid of photons, as I did.

Plus, the stand doubles as a USB charging duct.

Can you believe it?

And to whomever is hearing this transmission, I have absolutely no opinion on whether trimming your junk is more attractive.

That is a subjective and cultural assessment that my multi-dimensional consciousness can no longer make.

But I do know this: you can get 20% off and free shipping with the code zix at manscape.com.

That's 20% off and free shipping at manscape.com.

Use the code CYXX

Now let's see if this trusty old hyperdrive still has a few more surprises left in her.

Well, that could have been real mess, but I think we knew.

Yeah, I think we pulled it out.

Yeah, I guess so.

But I don't remember any of it.

That's for the mess.

thing.

Captain Darwin, incoming transmission from temporary emergency adversarial negotiations, missions operations manager, Nermit Buckaloo.

Hey, Nermit.

Hello, crew.

Hey, Nermit.

Hey, hey, hey.

That was a wild ride.

Yeah?

Well, I mean, all I know is that this new slogan is testing incredibly well.

These banners look amazing.

Keep

it tight.

Why is that slogan working so well?

I think it's just because ship please is like it didn't do well when it came out, but everyone remembers that line.

What are you talking about?

I love that line.

Yeah, it's like the seminal line of ship please.

Hey, ships, keep it tight.

Wow, you're bringing me back memories.

Yeah, I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier because of like Cecil's always like, I'm so tired in the tight pants and check out these.

Oh, super tight pants.

And so, yeah, it's just an immediate upswing in polling.

Ted Ranka had cornered the market on the kind of like folksy idiom, and we just found it.

We're totally eating his lunch now in terms of numbers.

Power of nostalgia?

What's he gonna eat?

Not a literal.

Yeah.

Food situation.

Yeah.

Keep it tight.

Nermit, could you just could you give me just one second?

Sure.

Dar, C53?

Just keep it tight.

A line in in Chip Please?

I don't remember that line.

It wasn't

to my knowledge, but before it wasn't before reveals that it's

not posters, it's not t-shirts, it's an extremely popular colour quote.

Yeah.

The Jung Tower release of Ship Please actually translate as Keep It Tight.

I'm talking about keeping it tight.

Yeah, Bargie, keep it tight is that's a line from Ship Please.

You know, I got it in one take.

One take.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Of course, I wasn't the one saying it, but that's fine.

Yeah, that scene was directed by an old director known as Sisu Kuntu.

Wait, Bargie, is that how you know Sisu?

Oh, yeah, I've known her for years, I guess.

She hasn't age, I'll tell you that.

She taught me how to make an old salty grandma.

Oh.

And if I think about it too much, it makes no sense.

But I'm just gonna go with it.

Alright, guys, I'm gonna go and mind wipe myself again.

So

AJ, I don't think you need to.

I think it's all good.

Nope, I'm pretty sure I do.

So I'm gonna do that.

Anyway, I'm gonna go keep it tight.

Okay.

Are we all saying that a lot now?

I'm not because I don't remember any of it.

Okay.

I'm still here, guys.

I'm keeping it pretty tight, but

I think you can take off those pants.

Okay.

Oh, take off the pants?

Your legs are turning purple?

I don't know.

They're very tight.

That's how we try to keep it.

This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attributions Droid, commencing Atro Protocol.

Black Dexter and Wimbledon Spickle were played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn.

Security Officer Dar and Captain Darr were played by Ali Kokesh.

Barge the Ship, Sisu Gundu, Mother Wiggles, and the Mouse Helper were played by Mujan Sulfagari.

Team Mob and the Rebundaloy by Sula Wiggles, the elder mouse helper, and the guy brought back.

To the future were played by Seth Lind.

AJ and the Grand Coula of Fleur were played by Winston Null.

Dame Adelaide Wiggles was played by special guest Elise Morales.

Elise is a voice actress and comedian who you may know as Lila on Tuning Out the News or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Showtime's Our Cartoon President.

Her podcast, The Rose Taboo Teenage Self, just launched on the All Things Comedy Network.

Follow her at Pandalise on Instagram and Elise Navidad on Twitter.

This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Opening crowd narration by Jeremy Cruptley.

Ship designed for Rogerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Hi everybody, my name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Sidney McRoy.

We're both doctors and...

Nope, just me.

Okay, well Sidney's a doctor and I'm a medical enthusiast and we create Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine.

Every week I dig through the annals of medical history to bring you the wildest, grossest, sometimes dumbest tales of ways we've tried to treat people throughout history.

Now, lately, we do a lot of modern fake medicine because everything's a disaster, but it's slightly less of a disaster every Friday, right here on maximumfund.org as we bring you sawbones and merital tour of misguided medicine.

And remember, don't drill a hole in your head.

Hey, I'm Jared Hill, co-host of the brand new Maximum Fund podcast, Fantime.

And I'm Trevell Anderson.

I'm the other more fabulous co-host.

And the reason you really should be tuning in.

I feel the nausea rising.

To be Fantai is to be a big fan of something, but also have some challenging or anti-feelings toward it.

Kind of like Kanye.

We're all fans of Kanye.

He's a musical genius, but like, you know.

He thinks slavery is a choice.

Or like the real housewives of Atlanta.

Like, I love the drama, but do I want to see black women fighting each other on screen?

Ew, to the naw, to the na-na-na.

We're tackling all of those complex and complicated conversations about the people, places, and things that we love.

Even though they may not love us back.

Fantai, maximum fun, podcast.

Ew.

Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

AJ and Pleck are outside because C53 has dragged them out there.

I think, no, you have to change the channel.

No, we changed the timeline.

Yeah.

We stayed in.

We stayed in,

we never came back to the future future that time.

So we just stayed in the timeline that Allie went back.

Otherwise, there wouldn't be two Dars.

Yeah.

In an alternate universe.

It makes sense.

What did I tell you?

I think I mean, all of you this.

I was with you.

I never wanted to just time.

I love

me.

AJ is me.

We know.