415: Dear Maxie [ft. Lauren Lapkus]

Hey everyone, it's Seth Lind.

I play Nermit Bundaloy.

Maybe not the coolest crew member on Mission to X, but um

safe to say the shortest.

It is the Max Fun Drive, the time when we celebrate this amazing listener-supported podcast network we are proud to call home Maximum Fun.

It's also the time when we get to thank the people without whom this show would truly, truly not exist.

And I mean you, the MaxFun member who clicked Mission to Zix when joining.

Thank you so, so much.

You are what makes it possible not just for us to make this show, but to put it out into the world for anyone to listen to for free.

And that's precisely because the show is supported by listeners who are in a position to help us make it.

And I am here to invite you to join them.

I noticed a comment on one of our Facebook posts the other day from a listener named Lucas.

I'm just going to pull it up here.

Here's what he said.

And he said I could quote it here.

This comment struck me just because it was so sincere and sweet.

Here it is.

He said, it always makes me so happy to hear this podcast.

It is my favorite because you all make me smile.

I work in a sawmill and lumber yard, and I need to keep my mind busy.

So many podcasts are are about true crime and depressing stuff, but when I get to listen to Mission to Zix, it makes my day so much happier.

I hope your fun drive goes well.

I wish I had the funds right now to donate.

I would send thousands if I could, but I will continue to tell everyone I know about Mission to Zix.

Thank you, Lucas, for the comment and for telling people about the show.

That is its own amazing donation.

And...

Thank you, listener who supports the show financially via maximum fund for making the show exist for everyone out there in Lucas's position or any position like that, because that's the thing.

It's especially important to us at a time like this that we're in now with an economy-crushing pandemic when so many people's employment and finances have been thrown for a loop.

For us to be able to put this incredibly laborious show out for free,

that is more important to us than it's ever been.

But

part of that bargain is is the trust that to someone, maybe you,

it's actually not free.

Right?

That's kind of the contradiction inherent in this, is that in order to keep this thing free

for a select group of people, it isn't.

But rather it's something you pay a little bit for or however much you can or want to so that other people can benefit from it.

So if you love the show and are in a position to support it, it, we would be just honestly delighted if you would join now over at maximumfun.org slash join.

If this is resonating with you, I'd ask you just to hit pause right now and join up before you forget.

It's the kind of thing that we all just think, yeah, that that seems right, and we don't get to it.

So just hit pause and the show will be here when you're back.

Did you hit pause?

Did it feel good to join?

Okay, here's the episode.

It is a really fun one featuring a guest.

We've wanted to get on the show for a long time.

And thank you so much for making this show exist.

Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal, all wheat.

Which looks like a bruise with an event horizon.

Now, Captain Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mission to Zinc.

Hey, Corsax.

Oh, did you get a chance to finish Bargie's script?

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

No, I agree.

It's amazing.

Right?

And also, it just felt like none of the characters announced what their quirky traits were.

They were just themselves.

Like the whole time.

Exactly.

Are we talking about Bargy's script?

Yeah,

Horsette and I both finished it.

Did you finish it?

Fantastic.

Right?

I mean, I don't mean to sound so surprised, but...

Okay, it is.

Horsette has a point.

It is a little surprising.

But, you know, Bargie's been in the business for a long time.

Are you guys talking about Bargie's script?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's so many pages, right?

Did you get through it?

No, I mean, I, like, started it.

Sure, yeah.

Like, what's finishing it?

You know what I mean?

I kind of

went.

Are you guys talking about the All Wheat?

No.

No, we're talking about that.

You know, it's funny.

None of us really ever think about the All Wheat.

You know?

So,

it's sort of a galactic essential threat.

We actually are are Bargie.

Yeah, Bargie.

Yeah, Bargie.

Garbage, right?

Completely garbage terrible.

What's going on?

This script.

I hate it.

It's great.

Yeah, I mean, to piggyback on what Horsette is saying, it's just, it's really refreshing.

And to piggyback on what everyone else is saying,

you know, there were, I mean, there's so many pages to it.

And

I just thought it was really tight.

AJ, AJ,

please stop trying to piggyback C53.

It's not an actual

picture.

It's not a literal piggyback.

It's a conceptual piggyback.

Right, but just to piggyback on that.

Okay.

Alright.

Well, I just want to say, I appreciate everyone reading my script, okay?

But don't worry about it, because I already deleted it.

It's over.

Argy, what?

No, Argy!

I thought I'd write something honest for a change.

Really put myself into it.

Yeah, that came across a mistake.

I threw it away.

Instead, I'm writing a spec for Shirk 5.

Shirk 5?

Don't you know?

No, not Shirk 5, the Shirk's a Cole.

We don't.

No one wants that.

And especially not a musical version.

No, Bargie, please.

Does Dunkey sing in it?

Yeah.

Yes.

I'll read that.

I thought Dunkey died at the end of Shirk 4.

Wait, what?

Is that how you interpreted that?

I thought he just.

It doesn't matter.

They always resurrect Donkey.

It's just so.

It's always without consequences.

And now I straight up killed Donkey in the first page.

Wow.

What?

Oh, so when you say spec, you are writing fantasy fiction.

Like,

you were talking about the all-wheel.

No, you know what?

It's fine.

I understand you guys don't think or talk or worry or

dream about the all-eat quite as much.

You know what I mean?

He has that.

What?

He has that kind of look in his eye.

Does anyone ever know what I'm talking about?

Oh, yeah.

To the surface of his eyeball.

Oh, yeah.

Kind of look the donkey has in the first page right before he takes his own life.

What?

Bargie, I want to see that Shirk 5.

I want to hear it about Donkey.

I'm almost sure you should probably bring him back.

Because if there's anything people love, it's when a beloved character that everyone thought was annoying dies and then comes back.

Captain Darn, I have an incoming transmission from temporary emergency emissarial negotiations, missions, operations, manager, Nermit Bundle.

Hello, Nermit.

Hey, crew.

What is up?

Bargie, this script is incredible.

Oh, thank you so much.

Is it you're talking about Shirk 5?

Uh,

I'm definitely not talking about Shirk 5.

Cause spoiler, there's more of my real life in that one, I'll tell you that.

Oh, boy.

Uh.

Do we have a mission, Nermit?

Yeah, what's our mission, man?

Yeah,

of course.

So the PR coming off of having promised that zombification would help the galaxy is, as you can imagine, a little rough.

So we've arranged a photo op so you will be meeting Sisu Gundu at the Plentius Children's Hospital.

We're supporting Sisu at the hospital.

What is our role?

You're going to be kind of like background.

It's a time where the children have all been annoyingly mostly cured, so they need people to kind of fill up beds in the background of the photo shoot.

Yeah, you're really working on it.

Yeah, so you guys are gonna.

Well, from far, if you're far enough in the background, they're really desperate, so they're gonna move the beds kind of further back, and you're gonna be in the back of shots playing sick children because there are not enough sick children.

Are you disingenuous?

I mean, I'm sick, so I'm in.

AJ's in.

I mean,

I guess anything for C2.

Yeah.

Thank you.

So here are the coordinates to Plentius.

You know what, Norman?

Actually,

let me punch those coordinates in for you.

I don't mind.

That's not really something that you normally do.

Like, I could just transfer these coordinates straight to Bargy.

You take a break, C53.

You're always doing stuff in your cube and with Bargie interfacing

almost no one.

Yeah, well, you know, I like to get my hands dirty sometimes, punch in a coordinate or two.

So I guess you still technically don't have a job in the crew, so if this makes you feel better, I guess.

You know, Nermit's right.

Pleck,

anything to get that look out of your eye.

Alright, I'm sending them straight to your data pad, Pleck.

Okay.

So here are the coordinates to Plentius, specifically the Little Bill Preemptive Memorial Wing.

holding on, but obviously not for long.

Oh, that's not great.

Well, he's been terminally ill for a long time.

It can't, you know, like.

He can't last.

Don't love that.

Yeah, it seems like he's had a good run so far.

How old is Little Bill at this point?

Who is this?

Little Bill's 41.

Hey, Quack!

Quick!

Yes, when you're putting in the numbers, could you scratch the third number?

It kind of it just.

Wait, wait, you mean three?

The number three?

I don't know, just the third one.

Next to one and two, whatever that's called.

Okay, that'd be three.

I don't pay attention to numbers.

Just scratch it.

Okay.

By the deep scratch.

That's too light, like a deep,

deep scratch.

Alright, yep, that's

that.

Oh, that's good.

That's really good.

Alright.

Alright, let's hit the old

hyperspace lanes.

What?

Alright, Kiy, we're rolling, ready to go?

Indeed.

Okay, hit it.

My greetings to noobs and papas alike.

It is I, Zima Master Kiarondo, with stereophonic audio log entry 212.

Though who can say when this audio shall find its way to your ears, the internet on Zima Prime has been down for a good seven months, ever since an unknown disturbance in the space knocked out all our stuff.

We'll just assume everything is fine and the galaxy is fresh as ever.

But I digress.

Today I wish to impart to you my love of a most magnificent pair of devices, Myraycon earbuds.

For you see, these wireless earbuds sound incredible, delivering pristine clarity, clarity, thumpy bass, seamless Bluetooth pairing, and a compact design at about half the price of other premium wireless earbuds.

I have used these bad boys for everything from conference calls with the other masters to analyzing Beetleman records to binging podcasts, and these earbuds, in my case, the Everyday E25 earbud, in blue, for blue is the freshest color, allow me to listen to my audio, and not whatever my roommate is watching, or the drum circle, or whatever that little wooden boy is prattling on about.

And believe me, my expertise in audio comes from the very fabric of the space itself, which imbued me with the power to harness the oral vibrations of the universe.

Plus, I was a stockboy at AG Cornax and Sons all throughout high school, so I know audio equipment, friend.

Raycon earbuds are stylish and discreet, with six hours of playtime and top-notch noise isolation.

So before you go dropping hundreds of croon on a pair of earbuds, check out Raycon.

And heed my words.

Right now, get 15% off your order at buyraycon.com slash zix.

That's buyraycon.com slash zix for 15% off Raycon wireless earbuds.

Now, as a resident Zima master here, I should probably talk to Spurch about why no ship is docked on on Zima Prime for seven.

Wow.

This isn't.

This isn't even Plexus.

C-53, everyone

I have something to admit to you you don't know how to put in coordinates?

No, no, I actually do know how to put in coordinates.

You're a clone.

What?

No, why would that be what I'm weird, isn't it?

Hear me out, okay?

I punched in these coordinates after the call with Nermit.

This is more important than our mission, okay?

This is the real mission.

Hold on, is that why you wanted to punch in the coordinates?

Yes, they did.

They could be catching up.

Yes.

Decided

Oh!

Listen, guys, I'm sorry I lied to you, but this is.

I know what this place is.

I know where we are.

We're at 18

magazine headquarters.

Oh, they did a story on me once that said they be too old.

I mean, I'll never forget it.

Yeah, that's the name of the magazine in the article, then

that's right.

All the magazine headlines start with the thing.

They sexy dresses.

Pleck, are you fucking kidding me right now?

You took us to these

magazine headquarters.

Yes, okay.

Everyone, everyone, listen.

I know we just spent a lot of time getting our sallow makeup perfect.

But if this is what Pleck needs...

Thank you, Captain.

Bargie, can you open the hatch?

We didn't want to pose in the background of a photo at an empty children's hospital.

That sounds terrible.

Some questions are just too big for us to be able to figure out on our own.

I've been struggling with what my destiny should be for months now, and I realize there's only one person who can answer my questions.

It's Maxie Wiggs.

None of us read They Teen, so you're gonna have to tell us who that is.

Maxie Wiggs is the advice columnist at Thay Teen.

Every single week, she cranks out this incredible advice for people all over the galaxy with these crazy personal questions.

But hold on.

You think Maxie Wiggs is going to give you a 26-year-old man

pissy advice about your destiny as a Z-Book.

Listen, C-53, this magazine isn't called Girl Teen.

It's not called Kid Teen.

It's called They Teen.

That encompasses everyone.

All of us.

It's called They Teen.

Okay, that part is secondary.

Okay, so I guess we just tell this receptionist that we need to see Maxie Wiggs?

Yes.

Yes.

Hey, bring her out.

Hey.

Hello.

Did you sick sick children

win a wish to come to the lake?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We are winning.

We are sick children.

We're.

Oh,

my goodness.

Children's teens.

Very rarely do they make their wish to come here.

Welcome, welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We would like to speak with Maxie Wiggs, please.

I mean, who are we to say no to?

Sick, sick, sick children.

Oh, no, we're all.

This way, this way, this way.

This way.

Um, um, let me move, I'm gonna move these boxes out of the way, Maxie keeps them.

A lot of storage boxes kind of blocked.

Okay, and Maxie, these sick kids are here specifically for you.

Okay.

Come in to step step over this

porcelain cigarette.

Don't knock any of this over.

These are all very expensive.

Yeah, you really managed to pack a lot of stuff into this little office.

I don't think C and I are gonna sit in here.

Maybe we should leave it in here, too.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

I'm gonna piggyback on that and literally jump on you, C.

Okay,

we're out of here.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm I thought you all wanted to talk to me.

If that's not the case, no, no, no, Miss Wiggs, we want to talk to you desperately.

I'll stick around.

Thank you, AJ.

My name is Pleck Deck Setter.

I'm a I'm a Zima Knight, and I've been a subscriber to Veteen for 14 years.

Oh, wow.

Did you come here to get a a sticker?

No, no, no, I I c I came to get advice from you.

You've had stickers for people who've had a membership a long time, so you get a sticker every year.

You get a membership.

So you guys

got 14 stickers to turn to this point.

They're gold stars.

They look like planets.

They're all very beautiful.

Wow, these are all great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Scott just made that one.

Oh, whoa.

Oh, yeah, it smells like space.

Wow, cool.

Listen, Miss Wiggs,

I'm not here for a sticker.

I'm here for advice.

Well, you came to write advice.

You know, I've been writing advice for my whole entire life, actually.

I came out of my mother, and the first thing the doctor asked me was what he should do about his wife cheating on him.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Do you remember what you said, or was it?

I cried, and he said, That's right, I guess I should express myself.

Oh, wow.

You were sort of born to do it.

It's an innate gift.

I know you have a gift.

I haven't gotten a letter through to the magazine, I think, because I'm more than a decade older than most of your subscribers.

But I just know, I just know you can help me.

What's your issue?

What's your problem?

What's your issue?

Okay, okay.

Oh, this is amazing.

This is amazing.

I

destroyed the Emperor of the Galaxy, who then turned into an enormous flaming black hole.

I think that it's my purpose to fly into the All Wheat and

see what's on the other side.

But I know it puts myself at risk, it puts my best friends, my ship at risk.

It puts the entire galaxy at risk if I don't do it.

Wow, this is really heavy.

Alright, I'm going to give you a little quiz, and then this will kind of help me narrow you down a little bit.

Okay, all right.

Okay, it's a multiple choice.

So

you see your friend is in your class and they're cheating on a test, and the teacher asks you after class, who cheated

do you a tell on your friend do you b say you cheated or do you see you didn't see anything

uh

i guess see

he's just gonna lie and say you didn't see anything

they're my friend

age

number two

your friend is always complaining about their body.

Do you A tell them they look great?

B tell them something they could work on or C

Say you didn't hear them.

I

I mean are those the only three options?

I feel like you could probably be a little more

diplomatic.

Is the combat unit that they not been conditioning properly?

AG, I'm trying to get to the bottom of a real issue here.

You're you're

I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna play I'm just gonna look, not not touch, but look at some of these figurines.

Oh, do not touch that.

I won't be touching them.

Just looking.

Those are from some of the original clowns that have ever been.

Whoa, originals?

Like some of the first clowns?

Those are porcelains of a porcelain.

What does that mean?

Well, there was, well, you want me to take you back in time?

There was originally clowns that we all base our clowns on now that we know.

And they were the original.

And then they had merch and they bought it.

Okay.

Clown porcelain.

Incredible.

Maxie.

Why, why, why?

Why is a very important conversation we need to have?

Do you want to have it in private or do you want to have it out loud in front of these strangers?

Anything you could say to me, you could say to these guys.

Okay.

Maxie.

Maxi, as you know, the teen has we're not doing the best financially this quarter.

What?

And unfortunately, we're gonna have to let some people

go.

Are you kidding?

And

despite your many years here,

where is it going, Willie?

We think maybe it's in your best interest.

Hello, stop you right there.

Because I can't hear you.

Option C, I can't hear you.

Option C, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I can't hear what you're saying.

Okay.

So if I can't hear, then I don't think I can really follow through on whatever your whatever your desire is.

Okay, well, I think you understand what I mean.

So if you could by the end of the day,

it would take me days, weeks, months, years to get all this stuff out of here.

So I feel like it's easier if I just stay.

And you could just work around that.

There's no option C in life, Maxi.

Goodbye.

To me determined.

Maxi.

Maxie, this is.

This is terrible.

You're a pillar of the Veteen community.

They can't fire you.

You know what?

They've been using a picture of a young woman as

my image in the magazine for years, and I think this is Aegis.

I think so, too.

I mean, as a 26-year-old subscriber to to 18, I totally understand where you're coming from when you say that.

I've always said 18 should be for everyone of all ages.

Yes, that's what the they refers to.

That's what the they is in 18.

That's what I've always said.

Uh, see, you can put me down.

Okay, I'm good.

I'm not super hungry, so I don't really want to raid

any snack areas, but uh.

What other departments might they have here?

Nobody's clicking on the nobody's clicking on the ass.

Oh

not for us, no, no, no, no.

Alright, uh, let's see here.

Um

no no wait, see.

This is for you and me.

Gossip, seven-year-old.

Oh, yes, Dar alikey.

That's just poker.

Yeah, you just.

Okay, let's see what sits here.

This is the cube that holds all the gossip.

Are you kidding me?

All the gossip?

Hold on, Darth.

If you pick up a cube,

consequences.

Pick up.

Get your phalanges on this one, Steve.

Come on.

Here we go.

Steve, hold on.

Shh.

I think someone's coming in.

Uh Jared, are you gonna finish that sandwich?

Yeah.

Oh, Jared.

Whoever you heard his name, the cups are devised.

The name is activating something.

Oh, Jared, you wily rascal.

Oh, yeah, who can we tell?

I guess we could just start going off as an office.

Yeah, he seems sad and like he could do some hot gas.

If the banner was the full width of the thing, I think we could get the

feel about hot gas.

I mean, I don't like to pass it on, but I like to hear it.

Okay, okay.

Alright.

you know, Jared?

Maxi, I know things are difficult for you right now with 18, but if you could just help me with this problem, the fate of the galaxy rests on it.

We're so close to getting the answer.

I need to figure out what type you are so I can figure out how to best solve your problem.

I'll try to figure out the type.

Yeah.

Okay, sure.

Okay.

Next question is this.

You're having a birthday party.

you want to invite everyone from your whole school, but you don't like everyone.

Hmm.

So, do you A

invite everyone anyway?

B

only invite the kids you like or C

pretend you didn't hear it was your birthday and then just see how it shakes out.

Uh, yeah, sorry, Maxie.

I just feel like I just feel like oh,

why would you do that AJ?

I love this so and I'm gonna say you said see the last one which is pretend you didn't hear your friend when they were talking about their body

Okay, great.

So what this means is you're you're a really great person and you have a strong belief system

But you also are a bit of a coward

So this is where kind of issues come into play.

Wow.

I gotta say Maxie So hold on what it means you should do is you should have the confidence to ask

You should ask out whoever you want to ask out.

C, AJ's gotta answer for you.

Yeah.

You know, Maxie,

even though you sort of pushed me into answering C for all of those,

and even though my question has nothing to do with dating,

you really summed me up.

I'm optimistic.

I want to do what's best, but I'm a little bit of a coward.

Well, the quiz is always right, which is why they should keep me around here because these quizzes has been helping teens for many, many eons.

Well, you know,

I try to be brave, but sometimes, you know, I just don't know what path to take.

I mean, I spent months studying the space.

I learned how to use my dingle hopper.

I dueled the Emperor on top of a...

Was that a comb?

Dinglehopper?

No, no,

it's a woodsaber.

I mean, I don't want to brag it's sort of the most powerful, it's the most powerful woodsaber in the galaxy.

Interesting.

It actually is

infused with the power of the space.

What?

Even though it's stuff.

Well, okay, well, then maybe you can help me because that lady keeps walking in here and keeps trying to fire me.

So what would you do if you were me?

Because it's getting a little bit scary.

Wait,

you want my advice?

If you could.

I know it sounds crazy because I'm the advice lady, but it's happening to me.

But you know what I think you should tell her is that you're the reason that Dayteen is great.

You give the subscribers something to look forward to.

And I guess, you know, he always gave me something to hope for: that if I ever had a really big problem, that he might be able to help me out.

Wow.

Sorry, Taylor.

I just, I

get you have guessed here.

You don't.

Is this something I'd rather talk to you in the morning?

We're actually the same guest.

Would you like me to just say it in front of these strangers?

They know me better than anyone.

Okay.

I mean, you look at somebody's ancient porcelain clown collection and you

know.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, as you know, the teen has not done well financially this past quarter.

But the new

worst development is that the gossip cube that fuels all of our content has gone missing.

So if that's not found by the end of the day,

I think we're all gonna have to pack up like you to roam free.

Wait, hold on.

Yes.

I have something I need to say now.

Okay.

I know that I have did many things that is very good for this magazine.

Yes, that's it.

And I have did many things that have changed it for the teens and all ages and allowed everyone to read it.

Yeah, that's pretty close.

And I have did many things that people have thought is good.

And I have did a lot

here because

I'm not sure,

but it's not good.

It doesn't sound good.

I mean, it's almost like she's so used to giving good advice that she just doesn't know how to take advice.

Maybe that's what it is.

I have did

good

and no bad because

Maxie, you got this.

You gotta believe in yourself.

All but what I did and do is respected because it wasn't bad because everyone was thinking it was good.

And when they got the magazine, they thought it's good.

Okay.

I'm done.

All right, you could go.

That was close.

That was perfect.

You liked it.

I loved it.

You know,

we got some looks.

You're carrying this cuber up, but I feel better at having a cube in my hand.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

And you know, I mean, you saw the way Carol was looking at us, but

I know things about Carol now.

Yeah.

What?

Oh, we know.

Yeah, the cube won't stop vibrating, and then I'm losing.

I'm losing.

I'm losing.

I'm no gossip, and that's the main traffic driver, and uh nobody's clicking on it yet.

I think we should go down a different hallway.

Oh, so there's the cube in?

Get the cube away.

No, no, no, no, no, no, I think it's the cube away from us.

I'm a sick kid.

My name is Lorkin.

Oh, wait.

Oh.

Oh, Lorkin.

You got some secrets there, don't you, buddy?

Yes.

So when we met at that reception, we were supposed to give my twin brother, Borkin.

Oh, nope.

Now we know the name.

Boo.

Oh, you shouldn't have told us your name, Borkin, because now we know a lot about you.

Lorkin, you should know that Lorkin kicked your sandcastle, and that's the reason why you lost the contest, not because a rogue wave came crashing in.

Lorkin said it was a rogue wave.

And Lorkin, did you know that your favorite shirt that you thought was lost?

Vorkin took it and he spilled checkering on it, so he threw it in the cards until you can't find it anymore.

Fucking I would never, I would never.

But here's the juiciest piece of the pie.

I thought the earliest part was juicy.

What's coming next?

You're actually Lorkin.

You're actually Vorkin.

Wait, so I kicked the same careful.

No, they just confused.

They got confused.

Mixed up.

We all picked a favorite between twins.

Twins!

I'm David!

Between terminal and yellow twins?

Very well.

Alright, we're off.

See you later.

I actually feel feel really, really confident after that pep talk.

Yeah?

I'm not even afraid.

Let it come back in here because I'll show her was what.

That's great.

And what I always say is lock and load.

I'm only gonna write that down.

Just write it down.

How do you spell that?

What?

How do you spell that?

How do you spell lock and load?

Yeah,

CK.

What did you think it was?

And then what?

And.

A-N-D.

Okay.

Interesting.

And then it was saying...

Load.

L-O-L-O-A-D.

A-L-A-L-O-A-D.

What?

No.

Load.

Load, L-O-A-D.

Load.

Lock and load.

I'm not a child.

Okay, all right.

You're the writer of the column, though, the advice column, right?

I write the column.

Here we go.

That's a magazine, which is actually a very important magazine because it is very important for our teens and all ages.

I said that.

I said that to you.

The magazine is important because it finds your destiny.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Right, Cleck, you found your destiny.

And I think my destiny might be collecting porcelain victory because I really am like vibing with these.

The original clowns?

Yeah.

Gotta go online.

Okay.

And just type in

L-O-C-K.

Why would I type in lock and load?

L-O-A-D.

Clowns.

It'll never do you wrong.

That's what you always say.

You're right.

I'll go and find porcelain clown figures by diving in lock and load into a search bar.

Oh.

Um, just wanted to say

anything you could say to me, you say in front of my family.

They are my family, and they can hear it.

That's right.

Yeah, I think she said we're friends, and then that we know her better than anyone and then family.

I just want to make sure I'm keeping track.

Okay.

Well, I brought a guest.

This is

Stephen from Ad Sales.

Just to reiterate the point about how we're doing financially.

So Maxie doesn't see you love the comments.

Thank you.

So they're not clicking on the ads.

I think we're going out of business.

Okay, why does it all keep saying this?

All right.

Listen, Stephen from advertising.

And I'm sorry, what's your name?

Maxie.

No, not

you, Maxie.

What's your name, Miss?

AJ.

No, AJ.

I'm talking to the woman who's trying to fire Maxie Wiggs.

Okay.

Susan They.

You're the owner of They Teen?

Yes.

She founded the magazine.

Oh.

Mrs.

They.

It's Miss They.

I have not engaged in marital status yet.

Oh, okay.

She's really banking on this one guy she's seeing She thinks it's going the right way, but based on her quizzes, I have other opinions.

Okay.

Susan, listen, don't you see what's happening?

Maxie Wiggs is the heart and soul of the teen.

And I think you could learn something from her, right?

You have problems at the magazine.

You have problems in your personal life.

Yes.

I'm telling you, Maxie can fix them.

And at the farm?

I mean, yeah, maybe she could

fix stuff at the farm.

farm.

What's going on at the farm?

Is that 18 related or is it kind of your own?

No,

oh, we're gonna get into song now.

Every CEO needs a hobby farm.

Susan, what's going on?

Why is the magazine going under?

Print

isn't

the future.

What?

Really?

You said that a lot, but it is the future.

It's the past.

Also, all the people who have been subscribing seem to be over 18.

Okay.

Not the demo.

Here's a suggestion.

Why don't you just change the magazine to they?

This is why I brought him in.

Wait a second.

I don't think she brought us here, did she?

Papa.

Susan.

And I said we needed to have big changes because we're going under.

Steve, that's a really good idea.

Did she bring us here?

I thought you brought us in here.

No, AJ, just

relax and listen.

Hey, that's new.

That's uh.

I'd click on that.

Would it be

online?

Yeah, we do have an online version already, to be clear.

That's where they're not clicking.

But what about the gossip cube?

Without it, we have nothing

to gossip about.

Maybe.

Maybe what teens and adults alike need isn't gossip, it's

the truth.

Print truth?

What?

This type of rebrand and pivot, it costs a lot of money.

And the magazine, well, it's fallen on hard times.

Yeah, we know.

We know that it's...

Do your guests have the funds?

The venture capital to make it happen?

What?

Nope.

You're talking to us?

Yeah.

No.

No, we don't have any money.

Okay, I'm going to leave these boxes here.

Again, take your time.

It's not being fired.

We don't use that word.

We use going to pasture.

That's worse.

Because it feels like a value judgment.

So I'm going to pasture.

I'm going to the farm.

It's too much.

It's too much.

The glass is too hot.

Sort of feels like my hands are hurting it or

not.

I have a name.

Oh, yeah, what's your name?

Yeah, what's your name?

Tough guy.

My name's Steve.

Steve?

I am tough.

You know what I mean?

Are you sick?

Maxie, um, oh, yeah, Susan.

Hi, sorry, I don't want to.

Am I interrupting with who are these?

No, no.

You can say anything you want in front of my bosses here.

These are my two bosses.

These are my best friends.

Very close employees.

As you know, the company has not been doing well.

But

Susan, you don't have to open every every conversation like this.

We do heard this

20 minutes.

Yeah.

I just know that.

It turns out that the gossip cue had been taken by two very sick children, one of them huge and the other made of metal.

Wait, that's Darren C53.

No, Papa, she said they're sick children.

No.

Anyway, they unlocked some critical gossip, revealing that the magazine's profits were actually all piled under someone's desk.

Perfect hiding space.

Amazing.

It seems like Steve in advertising was hoarding all of the money himself.

I admit it.

They were clicking on the ads.

They were clicking the ads and I just rerouted it.

Oh, they were always clicking.

They were clicking on the ads.

Wow, we have the funds.

We got the funds.

We're not under.

We're above.

Yes.

Steve, does this mean that I get a paycheck now?

Wait, you weren't getting paid.

Wait, Maxie, you weren't getting paid before this?

He was always a little bit late by many years.

Susan, you owe this woman a lot of back pay.

And furthermore, it's our friends who stole the cube and found out where all that money was.

So, you know, we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Maxie.

So, you know, effectively, Maxie saved the magazine.

Baba, she said it was sick children.

It's.

Maxie brought us the funds.

Everybody clap.

Yay, I did it.

Maxie, you get to keep your office.

In fact, you can get the suite at the end of the room.

Oh.

That's too much space with my figurines.

Sweet at the end of the room?

At the end of the room?

She's right over there?

Just a little corner.

Okay.

I think my hands are the cube.

I don't know where my hands are going to be.

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, get that down, we have to get back on the ship,

we can't put it down, it's too good, it's too hot.

Yeah, is it physically hot or is it like hot, like cool?

Oh, good question.

Both.

Okay, guys, seriously, I called Bargie.

She's waiting out in the parking lot.

We gotta go.

We're not gonna put it down, plack.

That's a hot gaze, bro.

Wait, what's a hot Hakas?

Wow.

Whoa.

Wait.

Have you really been hearing me all of you?

Like, in your head this entire time?

Yeah, I've told you guys that so many times.

That's not gossip, that's just a thing that happened.

Yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't want this in our lives anymore.

Yeah, some gossip is just sort of sad facts.

Option C.

I refuse to to hear this or believe that it's happening.

So Blackwell's like meeting Maxi.

I don't know, C-53, you know, they say you should never meet your heroes.

I guess I went there looking for this great advice, some guidance in my journey, but you know, Maxi is kind of a mess.

She's all over the place.

She doesn't speak very well.

She works in this tiny little closet, basically.

None of her co-workers respect her.

Her confidence was so low, she didn't even realize she had the power to save the magazine, you know?

Are we talking about Maxie?

Maxie.

You know, the lack of confidence and believing in yourself.

Maxie,

she's also just obsessed with, like, all the stuff in her office, like, these clowns, these ancient objects that she keeps around because she thinks they have some sort of significance.

You're talking about your stuff.

Yeah, the one that's in your hand right now.

You mean, like, the stuff?

Like, you've literally been just gabbling on about all the time?

You're always talking about the stuff.

The stuff is different than that stuff.

I mean, that stuff is stuff.

Wait a second.

You're right.

Maxie was somehow giving me the advice I needed to save the galaxy.

To believe in myself.

I don't know how she did it.

She's a genius.

No, no, he doesn't even know how to put in cordon.

Oh!

What a bird.

So, you guys didn't go to the hospital?

Oh, Mermaid's still here.

I want to say something.

Oh, oh, okay, Bargie.

I sold my script.

Hey, congratulations.

Lady and Jade.

They liked my angle.

I mean, the notes look good.

They said that no donkey shouldn't take their own life in the first page.

They didn't understand what having a plaque look meant.

Yeah.

Okay.

Menacing twinkle, and they didn't get that.

Instead, Donkey is gonna be going into high school as a f hot, hot, sexy, sexy college freshman.

So, Donkey's getting younger in the sequel.

And Donkey is a hot college freshman in high school?

I don't care if it's a reboot.

I'm just happy to get back into the Donkey burst.

This is Sea Rat IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.

Plec Deck Setter was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn.

Captain Darr was played by Ellie Kokesh.

Party to the Ship, Susan Day, and Lorkin.

No wait, Borkin were played by Mujan Zolfagari.

Teen Mom Neripundaloy, Stevie Edgai, and Bork Bork Borkin were played by Seth Lynn.

AJ was played by Winston Knoll.

Maxie Wiggs was played by special guest Lauren Lapkis.

Lauren has appeared on many TV shows including Orange the New Black, Crashing, and her own episode of the Netflix sketch comedy series The Characters.

On her long-running podcast with special guest Lauren Lapkiss, each guest is the host of their own podcast and Lauren appears as a character on their show.

She also co-hosts the podcast Newcomers with Nicole Nicole Beyer, in which they watch all the Star Wars movies and shows for the first time.

Lauren releases even more exclusive podcast episodes and videos on Patreon.

Follow her on Twitter and Instagram at Lauren Lapkist.

This episode was edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan, performed by famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra, with additional performance by the Chime Street Brass Quintet.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Cretchley.

Shift designs of Argerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

The Max Fun Drive is on.

Thank you for everyone joining up to support the show.

Become one of them at maximumfund.org/slash join.

MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Like your fancy stick.

That's

literally talking about the stuff.

Like, you talk about that a lot.

Oh, Oh, yeah, you're always talking about the stuff now.

The stuff is different than that.

Also, don't you mean that stuff is different?

Don't you tend to give yourself a different name, you know?

Like, you give yourself nicknames, right?

No one?

That's a bit of a stretch here in the mercy.

I think that's

nicknames.

Now you're talking about you.

What are you talking about?

Anyway, old Hucklebe is going to sleep.

Going to sleep.