L10: Just the Tubes of Us [LIVE ft. Rachel Wenitsky]

Speaker 1 Hey everybody, Alden Ford here. Happy Max Fund Drive!

Speaker 1 As you know, Mission is Xix and all Maximum Fund shows are primarily made possible by listener support, and the Maximum Fund Drive is your chance to help us make our show.

Speaker 1 At maximumfund.org/slash join, you'll see monthly levels for pretty much any budget from $5 a month up to $200 per month.

Speaker 1 And yes, people who can afford it and love Max Fun shows actually do give that much.

Speaker 1 Most people choose $10, $20, or $35 a month, and you can choose whatever level is right for you. We have always loved making Mission to Zix,

Speaker 1 but it's become something else since we started it. It's now a show that we love making with you.

Speaker 1 The late nights editing and mixing, the Zoom recording sessions in four different time zones, the orchestra, which this season has been upgraded to 61 pieces.

Speaker 1 These are all things that you, our supporters, make possible. And please believe me when I say that we always try to make every dollar you give us come right back to you through your headphones.

Speaker 1 I hope you can hear it. It's never been an exaggeration to say that Mission to Zix could not exist without your support.

Speaker 1 But this year, it's especially true. You may have noticed, for example, that we have had fewer ads this season.
I mean, it's understandable.

Speaker 1 The sponsors are a little more strapped than usual, and that probably means fewer companies that are excited to learn that on Mission to Zix, their product will be sold by alien cultists, library perverts, and tuper spickle.

Speaker 1 But we know that this year, more than most, is a weird time to ask you to give a free comedy podcast here money.

Speaker 1 There are plenty of places and people and causes in need at a time when your own financial stability might not be what it was a year ago.

Speaker 1 I won't pit our show against any of that.

Speaker 1 What I will say is that for me, Mission to Zix has been a welcome oasis of normalcy at a time when some things I used to take for granted, like live performance, audience interaction, even just joking around with friends, are all but non-existent.

Speaker 1 I've always been grateful to be able to make this show, but this year it's given me a connection to comedy, to my friends, and to you that I didn't think would ever feel quite so rare.

Speaker 1 And it's been amazing to hear from listeners that the show is also helping them cope or connect or feel a little bit normal during this scary and surreal time.

Speaker 1 So if you are in a position to support Mission to Zix financially, we would so appreciate it if you would consider doing so now.

Speaker 1 And if you're a Maximum Fun listener who's gotten into our show since the last drive, we would be honored if you added us to the list of shows you support and even consider increasing your level.

Speaker 1 That's maximumfun.org slash join.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned after the episode for details about all the rad stuff you can access slash get if you join or upgrade during the drive, including bonus content, gifts, and more.

Speaker 1 And now, I'd like to present a live episode recorded back in January as part of the Brooklyn Podcast Festival at Brooklyn's incredible bellhouse with our amazing returning guest, Rachel Winitsky.

Speaker 1 If you're anything like me, it will be a little unsettling, heartbreaking, and invigorating to hear the sound of hundreds of people in one room. Thank you so much for listening to Mission to VIX.

Speaker 4 Enjoy.

Speaker 2 And very excited to welcome out our special guest tonight, Rachel Winitsky.

Speaker 3 Bring her out here.

Speaker 2 So tonight you're going to hear an interim episode. This is going to be an episode about what happens between seasons.
So this is going to be very exciting.

Speaker 2 We have one more thing that we would like to do.

Speaker 2 Because this is an episode that takes place after the season three finale, we don't have a crawl that reflects what is going on in the galaxy right now. So I have a question.

Speaker 2 Is there anyone in the audience who thinks that they can do a pretty good British accent?

Speaker 6 Yes, you? All right, come on up, come up.

Speaker 2 Hi, thank you.

Speaker 7 What's your name? Michelle.

Speaker 2 Michelle, thank you for being here.

Speaker 2 Yes. So

Speaker 2 for those of you who don't know, every episode of Mission to Zix starts with a crawl narrated by a dulcet sounding British man.

Speaker 8 And that's what you're going to do tonight.

Speaker 2 Yes. So here is the version of the crawl, and you're going to read it along with the music.
You've got this.

Speaker 9 Alright, ready?

Speaker 3 Give Michelle a hand.

Speaker 2 Alright, so you're gonna read this and then the episode will begin.

Speaker 11 Okay? All right, here goes

Speaker 13 It is a time of confusion.

Speaker 12 Seriously, like what the chuck is happening

Speaker 12 with the Emperor defeated the galaxy is sort of unsure what to do, especially because of the emergence of the gigantic, horrifying celestial body that has has appeared in the Zix quadrant.

Speaker 12 It looks like some sort of flaming cosmic zit.

Speaker 12 Now, Zema Knight Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew must plan their next moves, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 11 This

Speaker 14 is

Speaker 14 mission

Speaker 16 to

Speaker 17 Z.

Speaker 17 Hey guys, we're back.

Speaker 19 Oh, not so loud. No, please.

Speaker 13 What the check happened in here?

Speaker 20 Um, we haven't had a chance to clean up yet.

Speaker 2 Wait, guys, we were gone for like an hour and a half.

Speaker 20 That's enough time for a powerful orgy.

Speaker 5 Why did you do this?

Speaker 20 Because you were gone for an hour and a half.

Speaker 21 Can I just say I understand why you would do that when Plex not here, but it hurts a little bit to find out you've done that when I'm here.

Speaker 23 I'll tell you why we did it.

Speaker 16 What's that supposed to mean?

Speaker 24 I'll tell you why we did it. Dara and I, we like to chat.
You know, we like to decompress and we complain about our jobs, you know?

Speaker 24 She has a glass of white, I have a glass of red oil, and we just talk.

Speaker 24 And then we got to talking, and we're like, why don't we have an orgy?

Speaker 24 Although, to clarify, because you know you got dirty minds, Bleck. What? It wasn't a sexual orgy, okay?

Speaker 24 No hatches were opened, okay? No hatch-to-hatch happened.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's none of my business.

Speaker 24 There's a sexual orgy of the mind.

Speaker 19 There's like

Speaker 13 three.

Speaker 2 There's like three people passed out in my room.

Speaker 19 Who are these people?

Speaker 24 Philosophers.

Speaker 2 Philosophers?

Speaker 13 I guess that's pretty good.

Speaker 27 Yeah, it's like a professional thinker.

Speaker 13 Sure.

Speaker 6 No, I know what a philosopher is.

Speaker 28 Hey, guys, guys, I'm stuck.

Speaker 25 My torso's stuck in this orange beer bottle.

Speaker 16 Nerve Yeah.

Speaker 6 How did that happen?

Speaker 5 I was at a mind orgy.

Speaker 2 I went to the mind orgy.

Speaker 27 You had the orgy with Nermit? And not me?

Speaker 2 Nermit got the invite to the orgy?

Speaker 20 Uh, not so much the invite as

Speaker 20 he heard us in the next room.

Speaker 7 And closest thing to an invite I get.

Speaker 30 Alright. Nermit, you've got two options.
I can pull you out of the bottle or I can break the bottle.

Speaker 31 Oh, boy.

Speaker 19 Neither of these options are good.

Speaker 13 I want to make sure that you're not going to be able to do it. How did you get?

Speaker 2 Was it like a suction thing, or did you crawl? How did you get inside this bottle?

Speaker 7 So you've never been to a mind or team.

Speaker 16 I guess.

Speaker 21 Actually, you're right.

Speaker 13 You know, I might be able to just.

Speaker 14 Get out. Oh.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 10 Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 Well, guys, you know, I gotta say, you know, ever since we defeated the Emperor, I feel like we've been kind of just coasting, you know?

Speaker 22 Got a situation here, everyone.

Speaker 22 AJ,

Speaker 27 you invited AJ to the mind originally?

Speaker 20 No, yes, he was invited. Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 27 This feels.

Speaker 30 I feel very consulted.

Speaker 2 AJ, AJ, what is your situation?

Speaker 22 There is a butt gun incident.

Speaker 22 I repeat, the butt gun has gone horizontal.

Speaker 16 Oh, boy.

Speaker 28 Oh, my rod.

Speaker 5 AJ, are you okay?

Speaker 8 Are you okay?

Speaker 32 Gonna be performing an extraction. Everyone, just stay calm.
I will not be able to be on the mission. This could take seconds, it could take hours,

Speaker 32 it could take days.

Speaker 2 I'm not a doctor. Okay, all right, AJ, I mean, I don't know if we're gonna really have a mission

Speaker 2 today. We're you know, we're just sort of cleaning up after the orgy, I guess.

Speaker 20 Oh, thank you for offering to clean up.

Speaker 2 I sort of meant we as a group.

Speaker 22 Thank you, Fleck. All right.

Speaker 2 All right. Okay.
All right. Yep.

Speaker 13 I guess I'll just

Speaker 32 felt the safety go off.

Speaker 19 Okay, AJ, AJ,

Speaker 13 you need to

Speaker 13 stay in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 You need to take care.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 8 Are you alright?

Speaker 6 Yeah, absolutely. Okay, alright.

Speaker 10 Alright, AJ.

Speaker 2 Look,

Speaker 2 I don't know what you're doing or what needs to happen, but if you need help, let us know. But otherwise, just just maybe keep your distance.
Oh, okay. All right.
We're now at a

Speaker 2 Code Brown.

Speaker 22 This is a Code Brown now. Okay.

Speaker 16 All right. Leave me be.
Go on without me.

Speaker 29 Okay. He agreed to do that.

Speaker 29 Excuse me.

Speaker 33 Sorry. These are my books.

Speaker 9 Just gonna get out.

Speaker 33 I'm sorry. Dar, it was so much fun.
Bargie.

Speaker 20 So nice connecting with you.

Speaker 21 He's a philosopher.

Speaker 20 I just have to say, um,

Speaker 15 you have a beautiful mind.

Speaker 16 I don't know what a philosopher is.

Speaker 22 Thank you.

Speaker 11 Goodbye.

Speaker 2 Would you call that like an escape pod of shame?

Speaker 15 Shame?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like you know, you're like, oh, I'm still wearing my philosopher's garb. Now I gotta escape pod home.

Speaker 24 There's no shame in what we did.

Speaker 9 Okay, yeah, no, that's not.

Speaker 24 Don't mind the sticky floors, though.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 29 What is it, Nermit?

Speaker 10 Yeah. Beep boop, boop, boop, beep, boop, boop.

Speaker 10 Boop, boop, boop.

Speaker 34 What are you doing? What are you doing?

Speaker 2 Nermit, what are you doing?

Speaker 7 That sounds like someone's calling in.

Speaker 6 Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Speaker 20 That's not what it sounds like.

Speaker 2 You're just making a noise. I'm never there when it rings on that end.

Speaker 29 I don't know.

Speaker 25 That doesn't sound like that, Nermit.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 2 You know, if you want to talk to us, Nerma, you can just talk to us.

Speaker 29 I'm just going to do it from up here on the fridge.

Speaker 34 Guys, I'm going kind of crazy. We don't have any missions.

Speaker 2 You know, Nermit, it's okay for us to just relax and have a good time. We defeated the evil emperor.
That's good.

Speaker 2 We could take a couple months.

Speaker 2 Yes, okay, he did transform into a gas giant-sized flaming eyeball or something, but that's not our fault.

Speaker 19 He gets my action! Okay,

Speaker 19 all right.

Speaker 24 I guess we're gonna. Or I'm being requested to say we have an incoming message from

Speaker 22 I care.

Speaker 29 Is it Nermit? Nerf.

Speaker 29 Alright.

Speaker 2 Nermit. Fine.
Do you have a mission?

Speaker 8 What is it?

Speaker 7 I was digging in the Missionator, and you know how, like, a synthesizer will come with pre-recorded music? There's some like stock missions.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Nermit, we're not gonna do that. We're not gonna do that.

Speaker 13 Also,

Speaker 2 what would be a stock mission on a missionator?

Speaker 7 I don't know, but I'm just gonna say, like, we

Speaker 7 might have the chance at succeeding at one.

Speaker 8 I mean, all right, fine. Okay, awesome.

Speaker 13 Let's try it out.

Speaker 18 It's a

Speaker 18 Army!

Speaker 20 Great startup scene. Beautiful.

Speaker 1 Alright, so go to a planet.

Speaker 6 What else does it say?

Speaker 7 Find resources.

Speaker 7 Retrieve them. High five.

Speaker 7 Oh!

Speaker 3 What? What is.

Speaker 7 That's not me.

Speaker 21 I'm actually getting a call from inside the midnight shuttle. It's so weird that

Speaker 20 almost never happens?

Speaker 13 Well, some some albums are private. Okay,

Speaker 19 okay, okay.

Speaker 2 You should pick it up. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Hello? Hell hello? Is anybody there?

Speaker 2 Hello? Yes, we're all here.

Speaker 2 My best friends! My best, best friends!

Speaker 13 Do you know who this is? Oh my gosh!

Speaker 27 Marf? Yes!

Speaker 27 Marf!

Speaker 27 Yay!

Speaker 19 Marf!

Speaker 1 Don't mind the cheering Orgy

Speaker 13 Orgy attendees.

Speaker 36 That sounded like a bunch of philosophers waking up.

Speaker 10 Still drunk. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Martha, how is everything going?

Speaker 6 Long time?

Speaker 16 Oh, no.

Speaker 4 Oh, so bad.

Speaker 13 What happened?

Speaker 36 Something horrible has happened. The worst thing has happened.

Speaker 2 Was the whole planet destroyed?

Speaker 23 No.

Speaker 24 Do you go on trial for like a lot of financial

Speaker 27 hurt or injured?

Speaker 3 No, no.

Speaker 20 Bad haircut.

Speaker 36 Oh, yes, but I got past it. Okay.

Speaker 36 Listen, something terrible has happened. It's almost hard to speak it out loud.
So, you know how my whole thing is that I own a store?

Speaker 8 I mean, there's a lot. You contain multitudes of our people.

Speaker 36 Have you heard of Mary Kandu?

Speaker 17 Oh.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not familiar.

Speaker 36 She wrote a book about how you should only keep things that spark joy.

Speaker 36 So I read the book and I got rid of all my stuff.

Speaker 4 Oh no! This works!

Speaker 4 I got rid of all my stuff!

Speaker 39 I don't think that Marie Kondu...

Speaker 36 It's actually spelled Marie, pronounced Mary.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 17 That's my fault.

Speaker 41 Mary Kondu.

Speaker 21 I don't think Mary Kondu assumes you own a business. I thought that was just a personal

Speaker 23 fluttering.

Speaker 36 There's an appendix in the back that says this could apply to your small business, your corporation.

Speaker 2 That's maybe like a step too far.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's

Speaker 13 presumptuous. Your corporation?

Speaker 21 What sparks joy in a corporation?

Speaker 10 I don't know.

Speaker 2 It doesn't seem right.

Speaker 36 Either way, I got rid of all my stuff. All it kept was.

Speaker 2 Oh, you kept your tube, obviously. Yeah.

Speaker 10 My tube. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But only only one.

Speaker 3 And I miss the rest of my tubes.

Speaker 3 Marv, we feel terrible.

Speaker 20 Um, we do feel bad.

Speaker 41 What can we do?

Speaker 13 Darn, what was that?

Speaker 41 What can we do, really?

Speaker 20 This is a good question.

Speaker 21 Are you willing to go to bed for Marf and try to get her things back?

Speaker 20 Oh, that's where this is headed?

Speaker 13 I thought so.

Speaker 2 You know, guys, we are looking for a mission. Maybe we could help Marv get some of her stuff back.

Speaker 16 Could you?

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah. I think so.

Speaker 13 Could you, really?

Speaker 13 What happened to all the stuff?

Speaker 36 Well, so I gave it all away.

Speaker 13 Okay. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 36 So to a junk planet.

Speaker 18 Oh.

Speaker 22 Oh, no.

Speaker 22 Uh,

Speaker 21 just taking a wild stab based on planets in the vicinity and known junkers.

Speaker 13 Yep.

Speaker 17 You didn't give it to the tree torrents, did you?

Speaker 41 I may have.

Speaker 14 Marv. Marv.
Yeah.

Speaker 41 I may have.

Speaker 7 Oh, she might have.

Speaker 30 Marv.

Speaker 13 Marv, this is some of the shrewdest traitors in the galaxy.

Speaker 23 That's why I've called you.

Speaker 36 I need help. I need my best friends to come help me get my stuff back.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, Marv, you know,

Speaker 2 we'll meet you there, I guess. You know, we can give it a shot, right?

Speaker 36 Yeah, I'll meet you there.

Speaker 9 Guys, this is good.

Speaker 2 We have a mission.

Speaker 6 We can help our friend?

Speaker 9 Huh?

Speaker 20 She said best friend.

Speaker 13 I'm still here, and I can't.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I had no idea how much junk there is on this planet.

Speaker 42 Sort of their deal.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 10 All right.

Speaker 13 You're just saying.

Speaker 9 said. Yes, I know.

Speaker 9 No, I know. I know.

Speaker 9 I know.

Speaker 19 I know.

Speaker 2 Okay, in retrospect, that was a dumb thing to say, but I'm just saying, like,

Speaker 2 the buildings are made of junk. The vehicles are made of junk.
There's people who are, like, wearing cotton, like, uh, wardrobe.

Speaker 5 I get that. I get that.

Speaker 44 Nice eye patch.

Speaker 6 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 44 I will sell it back to you.

Speaker 5 No, what?

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 44 You seem to be in need of an iPad.

Speaker 14 I want an iPad! I want an iPad!

Speaker 44 Oh, let's start the bidding over here.

Speaker 16 Give me that!

Speaker 34 Thank you.

Speaker 30 But you got to watch yourself.

Speaker 20 Yeah, he's never learned if you just take back the iPad for him.

Speaker 42 I feel like just going free socket is going to be

Speaker 30 harder to negotiate.

Speaker 20 Nobody likes

Speaker 16 hello.

Speaker 20 I am a tire.

Speaker 2 Guys, this tire is talking to us.

Speaker 42 Yeah, this is one of these Bronco cybernetics coverage made sentient tires for a while. It wasn't please.

Speaker 39 They couldn't include a full cybernetic brain in the tire.

Speaker 6 But they have a family.

Speaker 44 I'm five years old. I'm an all-weather radial.

Speaker 30 They understand enough to speak, but not enough to understand like a moral dilemma is the problem.

Speaker 9 I don't know. How much?

Speaker 2 Dar, don't buy a set of tires.

Speaker 20 It could be a good deal.

Speaker 8 We don't need any tires.

Speaker 34 They're clearly in a jam.

Speaker 20 You're gonna let the whole family go for real cheap.

Speaker 20 Son!

Speaker 28 Yes, mother.

Speaker 19 Oh, no.

Speaker 44 Wait, but I'm rolling away.

Speaker 44 Okay, how much?

Speaker 11 Six croons for the floor. No, that's a great deal.

Speaker 9 No, it's not. It is.

Speaker 5 We don't need it.

Speaker 11 Just practically.

Speaker 44 Just know before you buy us, as you drive upon us,

Speaker 44 it wears down our tiny bodies.

Speaker 34 Oh, my rod.

Speaker 30 Yeah, you see why the market for these never really took off.

Speaker 16 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 2 Listen, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Go find your mom, I guess.

Speaker 2 Marp! It's me, I'm far away, and I'm running towards you! No!

Speaker 2 Marp!

Speaker 2 Guys!

Speaker 2 Coming this direction!

Speaker 1 Just testing that junk hill.

Speaker 36 I'm taking a rest.

Speaker 6 That's fine, that's fine.

Speaker 30 Don't need to tire yourself out.

Speaker 45 Okay, I'm running again.

Speaker 45 I'm here! Wow!

Speaker 45 Wow!

Speaker 45 Oh, hey!

Speaker 2 Marp, it is great to see you again.

Speaker 14 It's amazing to see you all.

Speaker 42 We're also so sorry about that.

Speaker 30 I mean, it seemed like a good idea.

Speaker 19 You know, clarify your life, make it simpler.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I'm sorry that book ruined your life.

Speaker 37 It really did. And then when I was done, I had to get rid of the book.

Speaker 10 Sure.

Speaker 11 It was awful.

Speaker 1 Do you feel, you know, freed at all?

Speaker 2 I don't know, you can come and go from your planet as you please.

Speaker 37 I guess.

Speaker 13 But

Speaker 37 what use is your freedom when you don't have a bunch of junk in a basement to love?

Speaker 13 Which brings up a good point, Peter. Yeah, that's good, I guess.

Speaker 2 Well, listen, Marf, do you have like a list? Like, what do you need us to get for you?

Speaker 37 Okay, so I'd love to get back my bunch of frisbees.

Speaker 2 Okay, sure.

Speaker 17 Just gonna make it last year. Bunch of frisbees.

Speaker 12 I need the shield of whim.

Speaker 16 Shield of whim? Okay.

Speaker 2 Priority-wise, are the frisbees below us?

Speaker 15 Frisbees are first.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 11 Really?

Speaker 34 Keeping frisbees up top?

Speaker 37 They were at the front of my store, and I would see them every single day. I just missed them.

Speaker 6 Okay, all right. So round.

Speaker 37 And in a pinch, frisbees can be plates. So

Speaker 14 a shield.

Speaker 10 Oh, sure.

Speaker 10 On a whim?

Speaker 2 Is the shield of whim a frisbee? Be clear about this.

Speaker 37 I can't say that it can't be used as a frisbee.

Speaker 42 I can't say it's round, it's quite thin.

Speaker 2 What else is on the list?

Speaker 37 There's the great jeweled helmet of Merd.

Speaker 10 Oh, okay.

Speaker 13 Have you heard of it?

Speaker 34 Great jeweled helmet of Merd, absolutely.

Speaker 15 I pulled it out of a dune.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 37 And of course,

Speaker 12 my precious tubes.

Speaker 13 Sure. Wow.

Speaker 9 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 25 Someone's using it right now.

Speaker 2 Wait, is that the one that you have? Is that the one you have, or is that a different one?

Speaker 15 No, that's a different tube.

Speaker 37 Mine makes it sound like this.

Speaker 6 You gotta follow that too.

Speaker 37 Yeah, that's why I need the rest of my tubes.

Speaker 37 The sound is fading a little bit. It just sounds like this.

Speaker 29 That's not ideal.

Speaker 37 I can't stand that.

Speaker 11 Alright, well,

Speaker 9 before anything gets sold away, maybe should split up?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I think you're right.

Speaker 2 You know what? I'll go try to find the frisbees.

Speaker 19 Great. Okay?

Speaker 42 I could look for the Grave Jeweled Helmet of Myrrh.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 37 Thank you.

Speaker 20 I'll look for the shield of whim.

Speaker 12 I guess I'll look for the tubes.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 17 Great.

Speaker 20 Good. So we're all going off by ourselves.
Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 34 I don't see any problems with that plant.

Speaker 21 What a helmet you've got, Dick.

Speaker 31 Well,

Speaker 9 it has many jewels.

Speaker 34 I guess you could say that's a lot of jewels.

Speaker 17 I don't know, I've seen helmets with more jewels on them before.

Speaker 13 What did you say? Okay, helmets.

Speaker 9 I'm just saying it's where did you see such a helmet with more jewels? Oh, um,

Speaker 42 just out and about in the galaxy, I guess.

Speaker 9 Out and about? Yeah. Where?

Speaker 5 I need it.

Speaker 11 Hold this worse helmet.

Speaker 9 Okay?

Speaker 34 Point me out and about.

Speaker 21 And all you need is me pointing a direction?

Speaker 29 It better be the right one.

Speaker 42 Brother, you're gonna love this direction.

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 9 Here I go, but just to be safe.

Speaker 19 You wait here.

Speaker 34 I absolutely will do that.

Speaker 19 I don't know why he's laughing.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, 30,000 croons for these frisbees? That's too much.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying they're mass-produced. There's millions of them.
You know what?

Speaker 8 Okay, Liz.

Speaker 2 I don't have 30,000 croon. I can.
I don't know.

Speaker 25 10 croon?

Speaker 2 No, I I can't do 20,000 either.

Speaker 6 Okay, 12 croon.

Speaker 25 12 croon and a kiss.

Speaker 10 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Seems wrong.

Speaker 2 Are you saying that a kiss from me is worth, I don't know, 18,000 some croon?

Speaker 19 19,988 croon.

Speaker 18 I was just behind you.

Speaker 5 Where did you get the helmet? How did you get that?

Speaker 2 I've been negotiating with this Triton for 20 minutes or so.

Speaker 39 A kiss for me?

Speaker 42 I don't have what you'd call a mouth in many respects.

Speaker 39 But

Speaker 14 who am I to say

Speaker 2 master negotiator?

Speaker 2 How do you think Dar is doing finding that shield?

Speaker 20 All right, for a bunch of tires, you're all pretty good at Frisbee.

Speaker 20 Thanks to you, I knew

Speaker 18 it's our mother coming back.

Speaker 18 Will you tell us a story like our mother used to?

Speaker 18 Cause here's the problem:

Speaker 18 We

Speaker 18 love her.

Speaker 18 She is the heir to our tire.

Speaker 18 She literally fills us with air.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 29 How's it going?

Speaker 29 Badly.

Speaker 20 I mean, I have the shield of whim, but.

Speaker 29 These terrors are making me feel real bad.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I really, you know, when we came to the junk plant, I thought, we're going to do a lot of negotiating. We're going to meet a lot of cool, weird people.
We're going to see a lot of stuff.

Speaker 2 The depressing tires were not.

Speaker 2 I would never have guessed that.

Speaker 20 And they are literally depressing because their mother's not here to give them air.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 42 They were actually extremely poorly made tires.

Speaker 17 They lose a lot of air.

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 17 They're not good.

Speaker 2 Listen, I gotta call Marf and see how she's doing.

Speaker 1 Hey, Marf.

Speaker 34 Is this how you expected it to go? No, no.

Speaker 34 Our father dissuaded.

Speaker 16 We gotta go. We gotta go.
We gotta go.

Speaker 2 We're gonna take a 10-minute break, get a drink, we'll see you in a few minutes.

Speaker 2 C53, are you sure the coordinates lead here? This is not like the rest of the planet. Yeah.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Some of this stuff looks like it's been here for years and years.

Speaker 13 I mean, this is monarchy era junk.

Speaker 2 I don't like this.

Speaker 20 How much for that?

Speaker 2 Dar.

Speaker 2 Dar, what are you doing?

Speaker 30 We're trying.

Speaker 20 I mean, you just heard yourselves, right? This is disgusting. I'm going to get a really good deal.

Speaker 2 Dar, we are trying to find Marf. She's in trouble.

Speaker 42 Our best friend is in danger.

Speaker 44 How much would you like to pay?

Speaker 1 My name is Mary.

Speaker 1 Huh.

Speaker 10 How do you spell it? M-A-R-I-E.

Speaker 29 Wait, wait. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 You just got so much bigger.

Speaker 11 Yeah, as you spoke, a giant back half of you rose up.

Speaker 34 Oh, that's disgusting.

Speaker 45 You're taking too much time. You've got to make a decision.
Do you want something or not?

Speaker 9 Who are you?

Speaker 5 Who are you?

Speaker 3 My second head goes by

Speaker 39 Kundu.

Speaker 2 What have you done with Marf?

Speaker 13 She's up there.

Speaker 35 Guys, don't worry.

Speaker 2 I've got this.

Speaker 1 I'm a trained Zema knight.

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 16 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 19 Wait, do I hold on, hold on, hold on. That's the plan here.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm just going to go up and, you know, whack the monster a few times and then

Speaker 5 it's a wood saber.

Speaker 15 That's the first time you've picked that up in days. Okay.

Speaker 2 I have an innate ability to use it.

Speaker 28 While you argue over sticks,

Speaker 31 maybe consider a discount

Speaker 31 set of tubes.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 2 Those tubes don't belong to you.

Speaker 8 We want them back.

Speaker 16 Don't run at the.

Speaker 15 No, don't do that.

Speaker 30 Just sad to watch.

Speaker 19 Yeah, you're.

Speaker 28 You're embarrassing us.

Speaker 45 We like to apologize. We were sitting down.

Speaker 5 Why don't we

Speaker 18 scamp?

Speaker 9 And why don't we pause for a little back story?

Speaker 2 I don't know if you need to do that.

Speaker 31 We convince idiots to get rid of their precious, precious things.

Speaker 2 Of course, it's a scam.

Speaker 45 And then we take those precious things and make them part of us.

Speaker 19 Hor, hor, hor, hor, hor, hor, hor, hor, hor, hor.

Speaker 14 Very deliberate laughter.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 2 C53, can you tell how big this monster is when it goes underground?

Speaker 42 I mean, my sensors are only so powerful.

Speaker 34 There's so much interference from all this material.

Speaker 45 The only thing that could bring us down is... Wait, should we...
And we never discuss this part.

Speaker 28 Do we tell them?

Speaker 9 Do we tell them?

Speaker 6 Are they going to reveal their weakness right now?

Speaker 19 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 10 no, no, no,

Speaker 14 no, you should give it to Marf. Marf knows how to use it,

Speaker 2 but she's all the way up there.

Speaker 11 Do you throw it?

Speaker 14 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You know, you're right.

Speaker 2 Marf.

Speaker 2 You were always better with this than I was. Here.

Speaker 8 Catch.

Speaker 19 See?

Speaker 19 I cut the gag out of my mouth.

Speaker 16 Wow, my

Speaker 19 goodness.

Speaker 30 very risky.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I hear it. I hear it.

Speaker 25 We're sorry, Marv, but your stuff belongs to us.

Speaker 37 I don't think so, Mary Condue, because I've got a little backstory of my own.

Speaker 37 And it's called, I'm Really Good at This Thing That I'm Holding.

Speaker 43 Here I come!

Speaker 40 Shink,

Speaker 40 shing,

Speaker 18 shing! Wow!

Speaker 17 I like that she makes her own sound effects in addition to the sound effects.

Speaker 28 We have no choice but to throw all of these love seats at you.

Speaker 11 No,

Speaker 16 not love seats. Deal with the irony.

Speaker 17 No, no, ow!

Speaker 18 Facy boy!

Speaker 38 The ones that require

Speaker 17 this one as a massager!

Speaker 17 Shwing!

Speaker 37 Wait, did that

Speaker 41 do it?

Speaker 37 Was it the final swing then?

Speaker 15 I think it wasn't. I did it!

Speaker 20 Was it the final swing?

Speaker 25 Here's a plastic bottle.

Speaker 17 No, I wasn't!

Speaker 26 No! No!

Speaker 26 Swing!

Speaker 18 Swing! Swing! Swing!

Speaker 28 You thought they were recyclable!

Speaker 28 They last forever!

Speaker 43 Wait, there's one more swing left in me.

Speaker 46 Here it comes.

Speaker 15 Hold on, I'm taking a rest.

Speaker 16 Smart,

Speaker 19 yeah, you gotta rest.

Speaker 8 This is hard.

Speaker 9 Oh, you oh, swing!

Speaker 35 This was a moment of confusion.

Speaker 2 I guess we'll never really know who or what Mary Kondu was.

Speaker 20 Well, no, it was clearly a two-headed garbage monster.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, sure. I mean, besides that, I mean, like, was it always into garbage?

Speaker 11 Hey, what? Listen.

Speaker 28 Wow.

Speaker 46 Wait, it's somewhere in this pile of junk. I'm going to search for it.
Help me dig.

Speaker 46 Come on, Tube.

Speaker 43 I know I'm close. Tube, where are you? I'm coming, Tube.
Wait for me, Tube.

Speaker 43 My tube!

Speaker 43 My freshest tube!

Speaker 46 I love you so much, my beautiful tube.

Speaker 18 Oh, my beautiful tube! I missed you. Miss my beautiful tube, I miss you.

Speaker 28 Beautiful music is the only thing that resurrects.

Speaker 28 Oh, no, what do we do?

Speaker 2 Jock, my voice is just too beautiful.

Speaker 46 This always happens.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 34 Sorry, you singing so beautifully that somebody is resurrected from the dead has happened to you multiple times.

Speaker 37 Yes, people are like, wow, amazing.

Speaker 20 Real backstory.

Speaker 46 Oh, I'm walking down the street towards.

Speaker 9 What the Juck? My mother wanted that was assisted suicide.

Speaker 1 She was in pain.

Speaker 13 I'm so sorry. What did you do to me? I'm so sorry.

Speaker 10 Chuck a name.

Speaker 28 I'm so sorry. End flashback.
End flashback.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 42 Well, I watched you go through something in your mind just now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know what you were just thinking about, but it looked pretty chucked up.

Speaker 43 You don't want to know.

Speaker 34 Sounds intense and inappropriate.

Speaker 2 In fact, I'm glad we don't know what it was. I hope we never know.

Speaker 2 You know, guys, I don't feel comfortable down here. I think we should get back to the surface.

Speaker 42 We're still working on the garbage monsters blocking our way.

Speaker 34 Remember the garbage monster?

Speaker 46 Mary Kondu is back alive because of my beautiful singing. We have to stop her, but I'm all out of swings.

Speaker 11 Oh, I know.

Speaker 8 Let's try singing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. What if it resurrects it again because it's so beautiful?

Speaker 19 We're alive.

Speaker 9 Let's see.

Speaker 28 Okay.

Speaker 29 There's a. Okay.

Speaker 19 Bye-bye.

Speaker 13 Like, two notes?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's very fast.

Speaker 37 You did it. Your bad voice saved the day.

Speaker 2 Okay, I have a pretty good voice.

Speaker 46 Your bad voice was in you the whole time.

Speaker 2 Well, happy to help, I guess.

Speaker 37 Thank you so much for helping me.

Speaker 12 Look, all of my tubes, my shoe, all of my stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's like 65 C-series droid frames over there.

Speaker 37 Yeah, I got I didn't need them, but, you know, I guess it's okay to have

Speaker 37 some stuff.

Speaker 11 I mean, sure.

Speaker 2 You know, Marv,

Speaker 2 I feel like being down here in the bowels of Mary Kondu, it makes me realize, you know, there's got to be a middle ground. You know, you can have some stuff.
You don't have to get rid of everything.

Speaker 2 You have to be true to who you are, but you just can't let it get out of hand.

Speaker 15 You're right.

Speaker 37 I really feel like, in a way, defeating Mary Kondu was like a metaphor.

Speaker 21 How do you think?

Speaker 37 Well, I think it's a metaphor because, like, I wanted stuff, but then I got rid of the stuff, and then I wanted it back.

Speaker 37 But then I met like a stuffed monster who kind of represented that voice in my head that was like, collect more stuff, spend money on stuff.

Speaker 37 And then I defeated that monster, and so it was sort of like saying that I didn't need my stuff. And in that way, I feel like ultimately, it is a metaphor.

Speaker 13 You know who would love this?

Speaker 17 A mind-organ.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, we should call up some philosophers.

Speaker 32 Oh, hey guys, how did the mission go?

Speaker 17 Oh, hey, AJ.

Speaker 13 Good.

Speaker 8 Oh, it was good. How did the butt gun?

Speaker 2 Pretty good.

Speaker 9 Really?

Speaker 2 What? You put it back?

Speaker 25 Yeah, absolutely. I don't.

Speaker 1 Alright, man.

Speaker 2 Nermit, how did it go up here?

Speaker 7 It took him a real long time.

Speaker 1 It was nasty.

Speaker 27 Oh!

Speaker 27 Oh!

Speaker 27 I'm

Speaker 42 getting another phone call.

Speaker 42 Oh.

Speaker 42 Hey!

Speaker 42 Hey! Murph!

Speaker 27 Murph! You got the store back in shape.

Speaker 21 Everything's back.

Speaker 19 It looks great.

Speaker 36 Thank you, so I feel really good about it. You guys gotta stop by sometime.

Speaker 13 Oh, we should.

Speaker 2 It looks very tidy.

Speaker 37 It's smaller, it's clean, it's full of just the stuff I need.

Speaker 36 And tires!

Speaker 16 Oh, you took the tires.

Speaker 2 You sell tires now?

Speaker 36 Yeah, I sell tires now.

Speaker 2 Marv, they look so happy.

Speaker 36 Yeah, no one wants them.

Speaker 20 How much for the tires?

Speaker 40 Oh,

Speaker 36 they're not for sale.

Speaker 20 That doesn't make sense. It's a store.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 1 Marf, you know, it was great to see you again.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you did great work out there with the dingle hopper.

Speaker 36 Of course, but hey, Pleck. Yeah.

Speaker 36 Check your back pocket.

Speaker 17 Oh.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 36 I put the dingle hopper in your back pocket in the chaos of the end of that whole thing that happened before.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 20 You didn't notice?

Speaker 13 It's a big stick.

Speaker 2 I mean, I, well, you know, it's just, it's the, the thing is that the robe is always kind of like whacking against.

Speaker 2 I'm my my buttocks are not numb, okay? It's just I have a lot of layers, they're always shifting. There's the shorts, which are very tight, and then the robe, which is very loose.

Speaker 2 It's, you know, you wouldn't understand. You don't even have nerve endings, C53.
Wow.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 36 I hope you make good use of it. All I have left to say is

Speaker 18 enjoy the dingle hopper.

Speaker 18 I hope you have

Speaker 2 that guy just woke up.

Speaker 2 That guy was dead.

Speaker 2 This is C-Red IT5, Credits and Attributes Destroyed, commencing outro protocol. Pop a Plex Deck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

Speaker 2 C-53 was played by Jeremy Ben.

Speaker 2 Dar was played by Allie Kokesh.

Speaker 2 Bargie the Ship, Sad Tire, Kiss Sinking Junker, and Marie, or excuse me, Mary, were played by Bujan Solfagari.

Speaker 2 Master Missions Operations Manager Nerman Bundeloy, Depressed Child Tire, and Kondu were played by Seth Lynn.

Speaker 2 AJ was played in Abstentia by Winston Knoll.

Speaker 2 Marf was played by special guest Rachel Linitsky.

Speaker 2 This episode was performed live at the Bellhouse at the Brooklyn Podcast Festival.

Speaker 2 Live sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 2 Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Speaker 2 Opening crawl narration by Michelle!

Speaker 2 Shift design for the Bargarian Jade by Eric Boyce. Audio hosting by Simplecast.
And Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Bun Network.

Speaker 2 A special thanks to everyone who gave this performance, Enchanted Legs.

Speaker 2 Guys, that's our show.

Speaker 5 Thank you so much for coming out.

Speaker 5 Enjoy the rest of the festival. Have a great night.

Speaker 1 Hey there, it's Alden again. I mentioned up top that we would tell you about some of the exclusive content and gifts you can get for becoming a new or upgrading member of Maximum Fun.
So here we go.

Speaker 1 If you join now, at any level, you will get access to exclusive Mission to Zix content, including five more live episodes with a sixth on the way very soon.

Speaker 1 Also, mailbag episodes, ringtones, behind-the-scenes features showing how we make the show, the full-length Bermud Nundoloy album, which is a real thing, and of course, a link to join our Mission to Zix Discord server, which is full of amazing, friendly, hilarious, and kind Mission to Zix listeners like you.

Speaker 1 If you become a member at maximumfund.org slash join, you'll get access to all of this exclusive stuff and more to be released in the future, plus bonus content from all of the other Max Fun shows.

Speaker 1 So that's for every member, as low as $5 per month. And of course, there's amazing physical stuff that you can get also.
And we've learned this season how important the stuff truly is.

Speaker 1 If you join at or upgrade to $10 a month, you can get a custom enamel Mission to Zix pin that's only available during this year's drive, plus access to the bonus content.

Speaker 1 Our brand new pin gives you the chance to publicly display your devotion to the horrifying All Wheat.

Speaker 1 And then at $20 per month, you'll get a beautiful custom deck of maximum fun playing cards and six custom dice plus the pin and the bonus content.

Speaker 1 And at $35 a month, a maximum fun camp mug engraved with their snazzy rocket logo, the game pack, the pin, and all the bonus content.

Speaker 1 You choose whatever level is right for you at maximumfun.org/slash join, select mission to zix, enter your info, and Cablamo, you are making the show with us.

Speaker 1 Thank you again for listening and for helping. And to those of you who have joined already this week, without me even saying anything, that's amazing.
That means so much to us.

Speaker 1 Join these heroes, old and new, at maximumfund.org/slash join. See you next week.

Speaker 1 Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture.
Artist owned, audience-supported.

Speaker 37 So today we're going to be using you guys to help us in our upcoming fourth season.

Speaker 7 That is, if you would like to have your voices in the show.

Speaker 7 Great. If you don't want your voice in the show, just don't say anything.

Speaker 7 This first one is very clear. This is obviously going to give away a big thing.
You're going to be able to figure out what the episode is about.

Speaker 16 You're going to say, We are legs, army of legs.

Speaker 16 We are legs.

Speaker 19 Army of legs.

Speaker 40 We are legs, are we at legs?

Speaker 40 We are legs, are we in length?

Speaker 40 We are legs, are we in length?

Speaker 5 Amazing!

Speaker 2 Sorry for the big spoiler. I know that everyone was wondering,

Speaker 7 and it's the answer is yes.

Speaker 11 Thank you so much!

Speaker 19 That was awesome!

Speaker 26 That is incredible!

Speaker 45 Those sounds and more available.