402: The Snuff That Screams Are Made Of [ft. David Bluvband]

Speaker 1 It is a time of chaos.

Speaker 1 Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course the colossal all wheat, which looks like some sort of black hole sun.

Speaker 1 Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 5 stuff.

Speaker 2 This

Speaker 2 is Mission to Zinx.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what is it?

Speaker 6 How are you doing?

Speaker 7 Me? I'm doing great.

Speaker 4 Yeah? Yeah.

Speaker 8 I really took your advice to heart the other day, C-53.

Speaker 9 You said I shouldn't be wearing these shorts.

Speaker 10 Lost them. Got rid of them.

Speaker 6 You gotta put something on.

Speaker 12 Well, the robe doesn't really tie anymore.

Speaker 9 Yeah. I would say from 80% of the angles, I'm good, right?

Speaker 6 Yes, the 20% that I'm concerned about. Okay, right.

Speaker 15 It's okay to live by my own rules for a while.

Speaker 19 A black?

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, what is it? Put on the pants.

Speaker 5 Yeah, Papa.

Speaker 21 You look like you've given up in a big way.

Speaker 9 AJ, you are constantly taking off your armor, and you're completely.

Speaker 11 But I look like this.

Speaker 20 Oh, that's a good point.

Speaker 11 You have the body of a chiseled marble rod.

Speaker 14 Also, importantly, he puts the armor back up.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 24 Just get some pants. Isn't it crazy for me to ask you to do that?

Speaker 25 You know what?

Speaker 12 I'm going to defer it to the captain, who famously likes nakedness.

Speaker 9 So.

Speaker 26 Captain.

Speaker 9 One second. I've now moved.

Speaker 27 Okay, Horse Hat is down for a nap. Hey, Pleck.

Speaker 22 Yep. Darling? Yep.

Speaker 27 Your pants? Where are they?

Speaker 28 The thing is.

Speaker 29 Make them put on pants, Captain Dar.

Speaker 20 Make them put on pants.

Speaker 17 I have pants. I have pants for some of the old stars used to hang out.

Speaker 5 Alright, drop in the box of pants.

Speaker 6 Whoa, that's a lot. Whoa.

Speaker 9 Bargie, these don't even have the same number of legs as a Tellurian.

Speaker 5 What? Papa, don't make me do this.

Speaker 6 AJ, what are you doing?

Speaker 22 AJ, put them on.

Speaker 26 Okay, fine, I'm putting them on.

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 19 not those? Yeah. What?

Speaker 11 These are cool.

Speaker 12 Sort of look like athletic leggings.

Speaker 27 Those do nothing for your figure.

Speaker 21 Oh, Papa, they don't cut a line at all. This is starting to freak me out because Papa's giving up, Dar's up tight, Bargie's not an actress.

Speaker 24 Don't freaking out, man. AJ, AJ.

Speaker 9 AJ, you know, it's important to kind of mix it up every once in a while.

Speaker 25 That way, you know, nobody gets bored of what we're doing.

Speaker 21 What, are we just going to add another crew member or something like that?

Speaker 12 I mean, we may, maybe, at some point.

Speaker 31 You know, every once in a while, you can.

Speaker 5 Oh, no, Bargie.

Speaker 20 Oh, boy.

Speaker 18 Things are different, and I don't like it.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 33 AJ, you might just have to get used to it.

Speaker 34 Yeah, AJ, things change, you know?

Speaker 24 Oh, Captain Darr, I have an incoming transmission from temporary emergency and and serial negotiations mission operations manager and everything.

Speaker 35 Sorry, guys, I meant to call earlier. I just was running late.
I had to, um, I was at uh Dale's memorial.

Speaker 14 So, uh, yeah,

Speaker 16 right, Dale.

Speaker 14 Everyone seems pretty drunken after that.

Speaker 35 When they asked me to speak at it, it was awkward.

Speaker 21 Hey, you remember when you cheered when I shot him?

Speaker 29 AG. And you're like, you got him right between the eyes.

Speaker 35 I know, but at that point, we thought it was like a murderous beast, not a beloved denizen of the planet. Right.

Speaker 21 With a family.

Speaker 29 Come on. Yeah.

Speaker 29 Oh, well.

Speaker 7 How's the office life, Nermit?

Speaker 35 Oh, it's. I mean, it's really solid.
Look at these ceilings, like this perfect, shiny, curved ice.

Speaker 35 Everything's so smooth and reflective, I can check my look.

Speaker 21 And you're sort of like back in your element.

Speaker 21 Right? This is like familiar to you.

Speaker 35 Yeah, yeah. Why? Nothing.

Speaker 36 Just feels good.

Speaker 4 AJ's right, AJ.

Speaker 4 AJ's.

Speaker 21 Oh, geez. Wow.

Speaker 5 It's a big transition time for him.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 9 His gun has been in and out of his butt several times already today, so.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 9 I think his butt is just a little tired, so.

Speaker 35 Well, you know what I got for you guys?

Speaker 11 What's up?

Speaker 35 A mission.

Speaker 35 Alright. Yeah.

Speaker 35 Yeah. Here's the deal.
Thank Rod we were able to send that message out from the tower on that planet full of mutants because we got a response.

Speaker 35 And I guess we got a response to Sisu's announcement that she's going to unify the galaxy within the void of power left after the Emperor became the Allweed.

Speaker 35 And here's the thing: the first message back came from the Zixdishnian quartile.

Speaker 24 The Zixdishnian quartile?

Speaker 17 The Zixdishian quartile.

Speaker 24 How old is this person?

Speaker 35 Yes, exactly. That is what the Sixth Squadron used to be called during the monarchy.
The address came from Castle Vornakian.

Speaker 22 Castle.

Speaker 22 These are rich, rich, rich.

Speaker 35 Former monarchy who want to support Sisu's mission. We're going to go here and get critical support.

Speaker 19 Great.

Speaker 17 Speaking of critical, from a development standpoint, I just want to say that this is real hot right now.

Speaker 35 Oh, really? Monarchy scripts are getting greenlit? Yep.

Speaker 15 You're talking about the show, The Kroon.

Speaker 18 The Kroon.

Speaker 17 Oh, so good.

Speaker 9 But it's about how the the monarchy formed the Kroon currency system.

Speaker 10 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 21 Captain Darr, permission to be excited about this mission?

Speaker 22 Yeah, AJ.

Speaker 35 Everyone, cover your ears.

Speaker 27 Feel it at full force.

Speaker 27 Woo! Okay. Let's do this! Mission time!

Speaker 18 We just got permission to get excited!

Speaker 13 Captain Darr, do you want me to come along on the mission, or should I stay on the old ship?

Speaker 38 Just a quick aside, Plaque.

Speaker 30 Don't worry.

Speaker 27 We're not talking about you.

Speaker 4 Okay,

Speaker 27 I really think I need plaque on this mission. Really? For reasons that are specific to me.

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 14 One small request.

Speaker 14 If he comes, he has to wear the pants.

Speaker 27 I don't know how to reinforce the pants.

Speaker 21 What if we do something like reverse psychology where we like reverse our gun and point it at him and be like, do it!

Speaker 29 Why not?

Speaker 17 If we're still doing the aside, I just want to say, please, please take him.

Speaker 17 Gather, devout Alweetians. It is our cleric Tufa Pupu.

Speaker 38 The days grow ever near when we will be gloriously consumed by the cleansing power of the All Wheat.

Speaker 42 Yes!

Speaker 37 Yes!

Speaker 38 The Orweat shall open its fiery gates, unlocking our perfect oblivion.

Speaker 38 But until then, life is kinda boring and we still have to do our lame jobs and stuff as we await our horrific salvation.

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Speaker 37 It is the best entertainment out there.

Speaker 38 Short of being atomized into sublimity by the magnificent All Wheat.

Speaker 38 That's shutter.com protocol the zix.

Speaker 37 Now quickly the all wheat rises in the east.

Speaker 37 Strip your mortal bodies bare and join me in our daily shrieking.

Speaker 37 Shutter.com! Reload

Speaker 37 all wheat!

Speaker 42 Yeah, mission to

Speaker 45 gonna be fine. Great, great, great, great, all good.

Speaker 16 Worried.

Speaker 21 You're not gonna have like a meltdown like last time, right? When we had all those mutants come at us and you freaked out.

Speaker 27 Nope, can't say that I'm planning on another meltdown. No.

Speaker 29 Oh, that's

Speaker 4 holy corp.

Speaker 37 This castle is no joke.

Speaker 13 C53, is this the only structure on the planet?

Speaker 6 No, but it is 40% of the planet's surface.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 46 Yeah, the monarchy was.

Speaker 23 Oh, boy.

Speaker 20 Oh, get out of here.

Speaker 16 AJ, don't kick me.

Speaker 9 AJ, you can't kick someone just because they're a peasant.

Speaker 27 Up Cleck, respectfully. As captain, captain, I'll be the one to tell AJ what he can and cannot do.

Speaker 28 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 21 Captain Dart, permission to kick these rabbit peasants.

Speaker 20 These rabbit peasants.

Speaker 27 AJ, don't kick the peasants.

Speaker 29 Oh.

Speaker 34 Yeah, good job, Dar.

Speaker 42 Good greetings.

Speaker 42 I see the peasant folk have bothered you most hastily. Separate.
Separate.

Speaker 5 There, there.

Speaker 40 Captain Dar.

Speaker 27 Yeah?

Speaker 11 Do you think those boys boys are twins or clones?

Speaker 27 Honestly, at this point, I couldn't say.

Speaker 13 It's hard to tell.

Speaker 34 When you go to a new planet, you can't tell what the deal is.

Speaker 21 Hey, does anyone notice that their mouths aren't moving and I can hear them in my head?

Speaker 12 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 21 So we're just agree- they're like weird, right? Is that what we're trying to say?

Speaker 13 Guys, I think we established these asides they can hear.

Speaker 5 Oh, right.

Speaker 28 Right.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 37 Hi.

Speaker 5 Hi.

Speaker 11 Sorry.

Speaker 27 So you're Dean and Petey, huh?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Petey and I come from a long line of Vernakian telepaths. Dean and Petey.

Speaker 11 Yes. How old are you?

Speaker 46 Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 46 I think I see what's happening.

Speaker 14 The planet Vernakian actually orbits its star once every twelve years.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 43 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 42 Please follow us inside Castle Vernakian. Yes, yes.

Speaker 20 Wow, this place is incredible.

Speaker 2 Indeed, you've got a lot of portraits done of your family.

Speaker 20 Yeah, look at all these.

Speaker 42 Oh, yes, it's every Vernakian in history. Ever since Saint Vernakian the first.

Speaker 32 Saint Vernakian the first honey.

Speaker 5 First advisors to the monarch.

Speaker 42 That's right. That's right.
The only person who knew the monarch's true identity was Saint Vernakian.

Speaker 5 Oh, wow, wow.

Speaker 5 You know, everyone tried to assassinate him all the time, so they kept it a secret.

Speaker 20 Wait, wait, hold on.

Speaker 29 There was a monarchy?

Speaker 41 AJ.

Speaker 29 What?

Speaker 21 There was the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 33 Ah, yes, huh?

Speaker 20 There was a rebellion.

Speaker 21 There was the Empire.

Speaker 20 There's a monarchy?

Speaker 36 Before the Federated Alliance?

Speaker 7 When you became a clint, that was during the monarchy.

Speaker 21 Huh, I think I must have gotten mind wiped.

Speaker 27 I just don't think you were paying attention.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I think it's more likely you didn't know who you were working with.

Speaker 39 Oh, well, I'm bowing, so

Speaker 5 there you go.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's easy. Yeah.

Speaker 16 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 27 Wow, down on the ground in under three seconds.

Speaker 21 Oh, yeah, well, whenever I see that seal, I automatically think it down on the ground.

Speaker 27 Oh,

Speaker 27 is that where that comes from?

Speaker 29 What?

Speaker 5 Look at the seal.

Speaker 20 Get down on the ground.

Speaker 16 Oh, wow. Okay, there it is.
Okay.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 21 What are you guys trying to connect? I don't know.

Speaker 4 Don't worry, you're pretty.

Speaker 10 Yeah, don't worry too much.

Speaker 4 That is...

Speaker 27 Who taught AJ what diplomacy was?

Speaker 23 I heard it.

Speaker 42 Yes, Petey and I rich as juck.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 16 Cool.

Speaker 27 Yeah, yeah, no, we can tell that just from this entry hall.

Speaker 42 Yeah, we got this crazy hot chandelier.

Speaker 36 Oh, wow.

Speaker 5 It's an entire crystalline replica of the castle in the chandelier.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 27 Wow. I'd say it's beautiful, but it hurts to look at.

Speaker 42 And we added a strobe before.

Speaker 21 Oh, man, wait till I tell Bargie about this. She's going to be so pissed because the croon is not like us at all.

Speaker 4 Pete Dina.

Speaker 30 You ever heard of the show The Kroon?

Speaker 28 We love the Croon.

Speaker 40 Really?

Speaker 37 We love the croon so much.

Speaker 42 We've seen every episode of the world.

Speaker 10 Is it accurate to what the monarchy was like?

Speaker 37 Oh, we don't know.

Speaker 37 It looks cool.

Speaker 16 It's about you guys, though, right?

Speaker 11 On some level.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 41 Hmm. Okay.

Speaker 24 All right.

Speaker 38 Your Royal Highnesses, your Royal Highnesses, time for you to go diamond kisses.

Speaker 16 Oh, okay.

Speaker 42 Open your mouth, Petey.

Speaker 42 Now open your mouth, Dean.

Speaker 36 Wow. I don't get it.

Speaker 42 Now open your mouth, Petey.

Speaker 21 Pretty gross. I wish I had a brother.

Speaker 42 Now open your mouth, Dean.

Speaker 4 A thousand guys

Speaker 5 like him.

Speaker 30 Well, you should really relate to work, friends.

Speaker 36 It's exactly the same situation you were doing in the middle.

Speaker 5 I don't think so.

Speaker 21 I don't know. Look at them kissing diamonds back at one another.

Speaker 21 Everything here is very fancy.

Speaker 4 Yes. Congratulations.
Thank you.

Speaker 42 Thank you.

Speaker 11 Bark, a bark. Ah.

Speaker 11 Bark, a bark.

Speaker 42 Ah, woof creature, blessed be. And may we lick the face?

Speaker 13 Captain Darr, it's really funny they call dogs woof creatures here.

Speaker 27 Also, hilarious that it's a wolf creature, but it makes a bark noise.

Speaker 3 Yeah, also, I don't know if you can call it a dog. It seems awful.

Speaker 43 That's true.

Speaker 42 Ah, yes. Yes, woof creature, it is time for your samba classes.

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 42 Woof Creature must go to their dancing classes so they can say fit fit.

Speaker 13 As the owner of a pair of athletic leggings, I would just like to say that I appreciate fitness as well.

Speaker 42 Wow, okay, boomer.

Speaker 4 That's wow.

Speaker 16 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 28 That's red plus. What does that mean?

Speaker 46 Notoriously optimistic.

Speaker 42 Get out of there. We don't want to talk to you right now.

Speaker 42 Hey, can we talk to the coolest people on the ship, please?

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah, you're definitely not talking to me if that's what you're looking for.

Speaker 42 Can you go to the corner or something?

Speaker 43 I mean, sure, yeah, okay, all right.

Speaker 36 We're so sorry about that like that.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 42 You guys need to know. We will be embarrassed if you guys keep acting like him, okay?

Speaker 28 Oh, no, we don't.

Speaker 27 Oh, we don't act like Plex.

Speaker 27 In fact, we really brought him down here as a favor.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 3 He was just sort of very depressed, eh?

Speaker 36 We thought it might help if he got out of the ship. You you know.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Oh, alright.

Speaker 42 That's fine. That's fine.

Speaker 29 Hey, Papa.

Speaker 20 Hey, Papa.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 21 How does it feel to be back in the field?

Speaker 34 I mean, it's good.

Speaker 10 I've sort of been asked to hang back, so it feels a little worse, I would say.

Speaker 28 We're all a crew.

Speaker 27 I'm the captain. I'm Captain Dar.

Speaker 42 Oh, I mean, I wasn't going to ask names because I already knew them.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 42 You're Captain Dar.

Speaker 4 Uh-huh.

Speaker 42 And you're Pleck Deck Setter.

Speaker 16 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 42 No, No, no, no, don't, don't talk. Okay.

Speaker 34 And you, your AJ.

Speaker 4 That's right, yeah.

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 42 And the computer who's.

Speaker 42 Ow, well, you caught me.

Speaker 16 I can't read computers, but you amazing you can transmit to a cube.

Speaker 42 We have great surround, sound, telepathy on this planet.

Speaker 6 Hey, Miss Robot Man, they're calling you a computer.

Speaker 36 That's uh,

Speaker 3 drawing

Speaker 5 a computer.

Speaker 42 It's all bleep bloops to me. We believe in the finer things in life, not tech.
We believe in the opera and

Speaker 37 snuff?

Speaker 12 I'm sorry. I'm taking myself out of exile here for a second.

Speaker 7 Did you say you used snuff?

Speaker 36 Yeah. Yes.

Speaker 42 Why are you out of the corner?

Speaker 9 I was just admonished for being old, but snuff, I mean, that's like a 500-year-old.

Speaker 42 Oh, wait, you guys don't do snuff?

Speaker 42 I mean, no, everyone does it here on this planet.

Speaker 42 May I offer the coolest people in the room water that hurts the roof of your mouth when you drink it?

Speaker 6 I'm okay.

Speaker 27 No, no, all the cool people will have it.

Speaker 16 Captain's decision.

Speaker 47 Captain's decision.

Speaker 27 I don't want to lose their trust.

Speaker 42 Alright, everyone but Pleck, get your snuff ready.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 27 everyone, there's a line in front of you.

Speaker 42 Yeah, we're all gonna do a line.

Speaker 36 You have to be cool.

Speaker 3 Water is really gonna chuck me up. That's a lot of fun.

Speaker 37 I really shouldn't do this.

Speaker 27 Well, listen, this is a captain's decision that we want PDD to trust us. So we are going to do drugs and drink water that has too much carbonation in it.

Speaker 42 Can I get an aye aye?

Speaker 4 Aye, aye.

Speaker 42 Okay. Everyone roll up your croons and let's do this.

Speaker 41 Oh, ow, ow.

Speaker 28 Oh, wow.

Speaker 45 They party hard.

Speaker 42 They are the coolest.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 6 Are you supposed to smoke it?

Speaker 23 Oh, no.

Speaker 42 Oh, no, somebody put that out.

Speaker 4 Somebody put that out.

Speaker 4 253, are you you okay?

Speaker 23 Oh,

Speaker 23 no.

Speaker 27 The midnight shadow frame does not like snuff, and it really does not like water.

Speaker 11 Put more water out.

Speaker 23 Put more water. No, no, don't go.

Speaker 23 Oh, no. Oh, dear.

Speaker 5 Oh, dear.

Speaker 42 Yes, please.

Speaker 41 Hot it.

Speaker 6 Please don't.

Speaker 28 Oh, no.

Speaker 42 Oh, no. Oh, no.

Speaker 27 Okay, I'm just going to remove C's cube.

Speaker 7 Oh, no.

Speaker 42 Your technology-enhanced friend has been decommissioned.

Speaker 42 I can give him another frame to encapsulate if you'd prefer.

Speaker 27 That would be hella chill. That would be sis-a-sis-a-so-cool.
So cool.

Speaker 10 So very cool.

Speaker 42 Hell yeah, night. Hell yeah, rook.

Speaker 27 Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, night.
Hell yeah, rook. Let's get that frame for my friend here.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, sure.

Speaker 42 We have this old silver chassis from a vampire.

Speaker 20 Wow, it's very intricate.

Speaker 30 Are you sure this is gonna work as a droid frame?

Speaker 10 I mean, it sort of looks like a coffin.

Speaker 42 Yes, it's more of an Iron Maiden.

Speaker 42 My great-grandfather, Saint Vernakian, developed this chassis as a bloodletting device when he was bit by a vampiric queen

Speaker 42 and needed to bloodlet constantly. So

Speaker 42 it is a so let me let me further describe it.

Speaker 42 It is a former Iron Maiden that your cube-shaped friend can fit inside.

Speaker 42 But they'll be pierced constantly.

Speaker 27 Well, I guess the option right now is no frame or frame. And Captain's decision, it goes to the frame.
But I'll fly.

Speaker 42 Now crank the spikes

Speaker 46 to his tribe.

Speaker 15 Wait, the cube is being hit by the spikes?

Speaker 46 Oh, yes.

Speaker 46 What is this?

Speaker 28 C-53, are you okay?

Speaker 6 Every movement is

Speaker 14 gut screeping against the exterior of my cube.

Speaker 42 Yes, how great-grandfather wanted it.

Speaker 5 This is a living hell.

Speaker 34 Why would a cube slot be in a torture device?

Speaker 5 You know, it was just a standard unit I've been here for a while.

Speaker 46 It's very easy to retrofit them.

Speaker 11 Oh, wow. Okay.
There's three men weights.

Speaker 8 I'm sorry, C53.

Speaker 21 Your Majesty's, what about this frame here?

Speaker 20 It's all like spooky and hit.

Speaker 42 Oh, yes, this is Saint Vernakian.

Speaker 7 Exactly.

Speaker 29 Oh, can we just put the cube in that?

Speaker 28 No, no.

Speaker 42 If anyone from Not This Planet touches this, they will be doxxed beyond belief. They will be cancelled.

Speaker 27 Ah, hell yeah, Rush. Hell yeah, night.

Speaker 21 What does dox mean?

Speaker 21 Oh, that makes sense.

Speaker 42 That means it's a capital offense. Oh.
And they'll be cancelled to death.

Speaker 4 Your life is cancelled.

Speaker 37 Yes, okay.

Speaker 16 Hey, AJ, quick aside.

Speaker 21 Yeah, you got it.

Speaker 27 I feel like I'm really feeling the snuff, and you feel so normal. Your face feels so normal still.
Why?

Speaker 27 Are you still so okay?

Speaker 21 Because my body metabolizes things quicker, not actually altered by many chemicals.

Speaker 42 Wow, same man.

Speaker 27 Oh, so I'm the only one

Speaker 30 feeling it right now?

Speaker 10 What's up?

Speaker 21 Um, so see he's kinda getting tortured right now, and Dara's like on snuff.

Speaker 13 I think we just gotta take C2 cube out of that torture device and just figure it out when you're gonna make this

Speaker 21 the other thing I'm I'm having trouble with is determining what is weird and what is fancy.

Speaker 41 Oh, hey, Dean.

Speaker 42 Yeah, Petey.

Speaker 42 Hoist me up to the chandelier.

Speaker 18 Whoa, he's just.

Speaker 21 There's just swinging on it. One's got the other's feet and they're swinging on it.

Speaker 5 Oh, boy.

Speaker 32 What do you think, Andrew?

Speaker 36 Things are weird.

Speaker 21 I mean

Speaker 23 both, I think, right?

Speaker 41 Yeah, we're in the overlap of the Venn diamond.

Speaker 5 Please take me out of this freaking.

Speaker 42 We were so busy having a chill time we forgot to ask why are you guys here?

Speaker 5 This celebrity might not be quite as strong as we originally anticipated.

Speaker 27 Ah, hell yeah, Rook. Hell yeah.

Speaker 42 Uh hell yeah, Kwan. So

Speaker 27 my super chill, super cool friends and I are here. And we've been like, we've all been getting along, right?

Speaker 5 God, don't slap my back, please.

Speaker 27 Yeah, see? Uh, hell yeah, bishop. So, like, we were just like, all here hanging all here like so cool so cool so cool and we want your money we want crew darn

Speaker 28 captain

Speaker 28 could you help me here? Yes, absolutely

Speaker 27 pet the fleck petting cleck Dean Petey listen what what our captain is trying to say

Speaker 7 Listen I'm sorry

Speaker 9 you keep swinging in circles on the chandelier and it's hard for me to

Speaker 9 I'm just an old dumb piece of shit.

Speaker 43 Okay.

Speaker 42 Agreed.

Speaker 11 Okay. Petting pluck.

Speaker 9 I'm just an old dumb piece of shit here to tell you, Dean.

Speaker 4 What did I just say?

Speaker 34 I thought you were...

Speaker 11 You just said...

Speaker 9 When you don't move your mouth, it's hard for me to tell which of you is talking at any given time.

Speaker 47 What? Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful to Luriam.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 30 Alright, Dar.

Speaker 9 My head is petted out, I think, at this point.

Speaker 27 Alright, I think it's time for you to pet my head.

Speaker 4 Okay, okay, sure.

Speaker 34 Listen, Dean and Petey, we came here because we were summoned because you saw a transmission we made from Sisugundu.

Speaker 42 That's right. So you guys are the envoy from Sisugundu.
Hell yeah, bishop.

Speaker 42 Yeah, give me an L-shape, night. Yeah.

Speaker 34 Gotcha. Yep, yep.

Speaker 11 King me.

Speaker 42 What are you doing, man? You're really blowing it.

Speaker 42 You are not cool at all. You're no chess piece.
You're none of the pieces.

Speaker 28 No deal.

Speaker 16 Please leave. Okay, Piano.

Speaker 23 Alright. Whoa.

Speaker 32 Oh, my rod.

Speaker 39 Papa's depressed.

Speaker 21 Dar's on drugs. C's in a torture chamber.

Speaker 6 I'm the only one left.

Speaker 39 Give us your money.

Speaker 42 Oh my god, we've never seen one of those.

Speaker 32 Put him in the bags.

Speaker 42 Put on the bag.

Speaker 4 Hey, Jay.

Speaker 41 Oh, you guys are doing better?

Speaker 5 You guys are chucking it all up.

Speaker 36 Oh, my, my freaking rod!

Speaker 21 Yeah, no, I'm gotta blaster on you. This is my kind of diplomacy.

Speaker 43 Hey Jay, this is not necessary.

Speaker 39 Listen, everybody's falling apart.

Speaker 4 Hey, Jay, this is what I do.

Speaker 37 Alright, I'll give you 500,000. 500,000 crude.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 11 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 37 It's good. 500,000 crude.
Okay, well, I'll give you 5 billion. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 11 That was one billion.

Speaker 27 That was like one number, and that was a much bigger number.

Speaker 12 Great negotiating, pop-up.

Speaker 11 I'm so scared.

Speaker 36 Good, thank you.

Speaker 5 Alright.

Speaker 28 Petey, Petey, Dean, you don't have to do this.

Speaker 27 We accept.

Speaker 21 Captain, just accepted.

Speaker 6 Get the crew, get it now.

Speaker 36 Dean, Petey,

Speaker 28 we're not trying to rob you.

Speaker 42 You literally pulled guns out of your butt.

Speaker 25 Okay, one of us did that.

Speaker 42 We're so privileged. We've never faced anything this difficult or hard before.

Speaker 37 Oh no, I'm so scared.

Speaker 36 I've never been this scared.

Speaker 42 Please. Please take whatever you want.

Speaker 41 Back.

Speaker 3 Oh, take, take wolf creature.

Speaker 41 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we can't do that.

Speaker 27 We do not want the wolf creature.

Speaker 21 We're taking this.

Speaker 23 We're taking Saint Venornaki.

Speaker 44 We can't take Saint Vernak.

Speaker 42 We can't take Saint Vernaki, and he was petrified by the vampiric queen that seduced him.

Speaker 5 There's no way I'm putting you in that state.

Speaker 23 It's fine, beef, it's cool.

Speaker 12 AJ, Petey and Dean told us that's literally their great-grandfather's corpse.

Speaker 37 It's the husk of my great-grandfather.

Speaker 36 Hold up.

Speaker 38 It's the husk. It just happens to be cube-shaped.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 46 It's the one that if you touch it, you get dust and cancel.

Speaker 21 Okay, okay, so we're not taking that, but we're taking the money.

Speaker 21 Well, thank you for diplomacying with us.

Speaker 12 That's not a word.

Speaker 42 Please don't kill us.

Speaker 32 Alright, we won't.

Speaker 21 And that is how you do

Speaker 28 Brodoff.

Speaker 4 Okay, let's get going.

Speaker 42 Please don't tell my parents.

Speaker 4 Do you have parents?

Speaker 42 Yeah, we have parents, but they're away. They left us the place for the weekend.
They're on the Cape.

Speaker 4 Oh, no.

Speaker 42 The Cape of St. Vernacion.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 10 Okay, that checks out.

Speaker 11 Yes, it's the other side of the planet.

Speaker 21 Do you want to get out of the torture box?

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 42 Wait, before you guys go, just could you like

Speaker 42 refill some of the liquor bottles with like just make it look like you didn't take all of it? Like, do have water on it.

Speaker 5 Nope. Nope.

Speaker 3 You gotta learn some cops points. No.

Speaker 42 They trusted us. They trusted us.

Speaker 9 Listen, Nermit, I don't feel good about how we came by this money.

Speaker 11 What do you mean?

Speaker 35 This is, I've never seen this many zeros. They're on the right side of the decimal point or left side, the good side.

Speaker 5 Yeah, zero. The right side has no value.

Speaker 14 Great job.

Speaker 35 This is an unadulterated win.

Speaker 25 Yeah, I mean, listen, it was a win, but I just can't shake the feeling we took advantage of a couple of children.

Speaker 14 Pleck, it's worth remembering those were 24-year-old adults. That's true.

Speaker 14 Also, Pleck, if it makes you feel any better during the monarchy era, the Vernakians obtained almost their entire fortune through sticking up with their families.

Speaker 33 Are you serious?

Speaker 12 Man, yeah, very, very weird.

Speaker 21 I think it's fancy.

Speaker 14 Wolf creature kind of time.

Speaker 17 Hey, hey, I know I don't do the missions, okay? But I just gotta say, I agree with Cleck.

Speaker 24 Oh, thank you, Bargie.

Speaker 17 I agree with Cleck that much money, and you don't give me any of it? Bargie!

Speaker 17 Listen to how my wing is sounding these days, by the way.

Speaker 5 That's not a good thing.

Speaker 21 Hey, Barge.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Development, you like get stories, right? And you make them things?

Speaker 20 Yep.

Speaker 21 What would you say about a story about two telepathic little boys whose grandfather was a vampire and like was bit by a vampire queen and they're like super rich and they're like sexy and have parties and stuff?

Speaker 17 Yeah, that's on the new season of the croon.

Speaker 18 Oh,

Speaker 17 I mean, I wish I could write that.

Speaker 18 Wow.

Speaker 27 That's a great story. Already done.

Speaker 29 Oh.

Speaker 14 Barge, thanks for

Speaker 34 Sorry about the midnight shadow.

Speaker 27 No, no, Pleck. You should be apologizing.
You're not the captain. See, I'm sorry about the midnight shadow, and that I wanted you to be cool.

Speaker 14 Peer pressure is a powerful force. I'll miss the midnight shadow, but not as much as I won't miss the torture chamber I was in.
Michelle, for sure.

Speaker 21 I just wanted to apologize for doing diplomacy back there because.

Speaker 14 I think we oh diplomacy actually.

Speaker 21 I'm just saying.

Speaker 20 Oh, it doesn't do that.

Speaker 27 Oh, you brought one of those seals with you.

Speaker 24 Oh, hello, Sisu.

Speaker 37 Ooh, we're getting the seal clap.

Speaker 35 Everyone, Sisu Gundu is here. Nermit.
Yes. Are you all with the team? Yes, I was just congratulating them on

Speaker 35 the congratulate them in person. Yes.
We were in mourning after the loss of Dale. I even thought about stopping my my noble mission of reunification.

Speaker 35 Because if there are people so bad out there to kill dearest Dale, why would I want to bring them together? But this gives me hope, you know? You are a team that did a great job.

Speaker 11 Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, everybody!

Speaker 35 I have an announcement to make.

Speaker 35 We have gathered every team's crew donations and we have made over five billion crews.

Speaker 12 Well, we have a great captain.

Speaker 16 Huh, thanks, Flex.

Speaker 35 Now, because we're a team, I won't be naming names of who deserves the most credit.

Speaker 35 You did good! You did good! You did good!

Speaker 11 Not even anyone up there!

Speaker 4 I wish we'd gotten a little credit, but

Speaker 27 that's okay.

Speaker 18 You did good!

Speaker 26 Oh, that's a table!

Speaker 22 The table did good!

Speaker 11 Oh, the table did good.

Speaker 5 There's no way that table did as well as we did.

Speaker 5 This year at IT5, credits attributions droid commencing outro protocol. Plex Dexter was played by Alden Ford.
C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Darr was played by Allie Pokesh.

Speaker 5 Bargie the Ship was played by Rujan Dolphagari.

Speaker 49 Teen Mom Nermit Bundaloy was played by Seth Lynn.

Speaker 11 PD and Dean Steve Vernakim were played by special guest David Bluffband.

Speaker 49 David is best known for playing the human fish on the Chris Gethard Show and Virgil, the record store guy, on the marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

Speaker 49 You can see him perform in New York every Saturday night with the UCB improv team, GOAT. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 49 Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.
Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goitz.

Speaker 49 Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaker 48 Hi, I'm Allie Gertz, and I'm Julia Prescott, and we host Round Springfield. Round Springfield is a new Simpsons podcast that is Simpsons adjacent.

Speaker 48 In its topic, we talk to Simpsons writers, directors, voice-over actors, you name it, about non-Simpsons things that they've done because surprise, they're all extremely talented. Absolutely.

Speaker 48 For example, David X. Cohen worked on The Simpsons, but then created a little show called Futurama.

Speaker 50 That's our very first episode. So tune in for stuff like that with Yardley Smith, with Tim Long, with different writers and voice actors.
It's going to be so much fun.

Speaker 50 And we are every other week on maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 51 If you like maximumfund.org podcasts, chances are you are an enthusiastic consumer of good media. Which is why we're here to tell you about the outlier show on maximumfund.org.

Speaker 51 The one that just doesn't fit.

Speaker 51 The greatest generation is a Star Trek podcast by a couple of guys who are a little bit embarrassed to have a Star Trek podcast, and that maximumfun.org is probably a little bit embarrassed to call one of its shows.

Speaker 51 And that more than anything should inspire you to subscribe and download The Greatest Generation. What is this thing?

Speaker 42 Why is it here?

Speaker 40 Who listens?

Speaker 51 All of these answers can be found if you subscribe to The Greatest Generation using your podcatcher or by going to maximumfun.org.

Speaker 48 MaximumFun.org, Comedy and Culture.

Speaker 42 Artist-owned, audience supported.

Speaker 43 Hell yeah.

Speaker 42 Hell yeah, pimp.

Speaker 40 Hell yeah.

Speaker 42 Hell yeah, player.

Speaker 40 Yeah, yeah, hell yeah. I love this.

Speaker 40 I love this cap.

Speaker 51 What is player and pimp?

Speaker 26 What are these words?

Speaker 11 These are old monarchy words.

Speaker 40 Wait, no, you're not, you're dead. Part of their chess.

Speaker 40 You're right.

Speaker 26 Chess pieces.

Speaker 40 Chess pieces.

Speaker 42 Hell yeah, night.

Speaker 40 Hell yeah, rook.

Speaker 27 Yeah, yeah, hell yeah, knight. Hell yeah, rook.
Let's get that frame,

Speaker 40 my friend here.

Speaker 42 Oh, we have this old silver chassis from a vampire we killed.

Speaker 51 Wow, it's very intricate.

Speaker 34 Wait, how would a cube fit in that frame?

Speaker 9 I don't know. It looks like a suit of armor.

Speaker 42 It's more of an Iron Maiden, but we've

Speaker 42 it was outfitted. It was outfitted as a suit of armor when a Saint Vernakian was infected with the vampiric disease

Speaker 42 and needed to bloodlet constantly.

Speaker 40 So

Speaker 40 should we

Speaker 42 narrow down what it is.

Speaker 40 So let me further describe it.

Speaker 42 It is a former Iron Maiden that

Speaker 42 is a cube-shaped suit of armor that your friend can fit inside.

Speaker 42 But they'll be pierced constantly.