2XM: X-Marse in Zistarkitarn

Speaker 1 This is Sea Red IT5 with a special announcement. Due to collective political upheaval, Emperor Bundaloy has cancelled X-Mars this year.

Speaker 1 Please enjoy this last scene featuring the crew of the Barbarian Jade, which takes place before the events of the Battle of the Planet Crushers. God bless us, everyone.

Speaker 2 What's wrong, Bino?

Speaker 3 Interesting sounds like

Speaker 3 a sound.

Speaker 5 Oh, Bino, that was the saddest fart I've ever heard from you.

Speaker 4 Been a...

Speaker 6 Just wanna know what X-Mars is.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I was talking, I was in a conversation with my son, and I was like, Why do I only have to call you an X-Mars? Why can't I call you more and check up on you more regularly?

Speaker 7 And he's like, I'm living my life, Bob. I'm no longer an amusement pod.
I'm now a laser tag pog. Anyway, uh, but uh,

Speaker 3 X-Mars.

Speaker 6 Been wanna know what X-Mars is.

Speaker 9 But X-Mars isn't for a few months, so

Speaker 8 okay, okay.

Speaker 5 Listen, uh, Bino, X-Mars is a very special time of year, usually in the winter, where family and friends gather around.

Speaker 5 We open boots that have presents in them.

Speaker 11 And on my planet, it involves killing one of your tribe.

Speaker 9 And of course, that brings us all back to the meeting of X-Mars, which, as we all know,

Speaker 7 we already know this. We've discussed.

Speaker 6 Beetle love X-Mars.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 5 Pluck love X-Mars too.

Speaker 10 He went from zero to 100 on X-Mars.

Speaker 6 We don't want to do X-Mars right now.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's not that.

Speaker 14 That's not really.

Speaker 15 Okay, DevW.

Speaker 6 We don't want to do X Mars right now.

Speaker 4 DevW boots.

Speaker 5 Okay, Bino, listen.

Speaker 9 You know, usually you plan X-Mars.

Speaker 16 You know, you buy it.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you gotta buy everybody their boots.

Speaker 6 Bino think we should do X-Mars and CisTarkatarn.

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 I mean, you know, that's kind of a fun, kind of kitschy thing to do.

Speaker 16 Yeah, a lot of university students who will have that kind of party to you.

Speaker 9 X-Mars and CisTarkatarn.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, you know what, Bino? Great. You know, next time we pass, you know, the Tiger Nebula Strip Mo, we'll hop in, grab some presents, we'll put some boots down.

Speaker 7 I have a bunch of boots. Wait, what? I have a bunch of boots.
You know, I've never opened them. I had a party back in the day, got a little wild.

Speaker 7 You know, so long ago, we were still a democracy before that was set on fire.

Speaker 4 Whoa, pre-monarchy.

Speaker 7 Yeah, so the police came, they raided the place. It was a crazy party.

Speaker 5 Progie, when you say the place, you mean you.

Speaker 7 Yeah, they raided the place.

Speaker 7 At that point, I had a very low self-esteem. I didn't consider myself a me, I considered myself a place.

Speaker 18 Wow, that's so sad.

Speaker 7 Anyway, I still have all the boots.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 5 But me just shove them out.

Speaker 3 Wow, now, oh, Archie, there are dozens of these.

Speaker 21 Archie, you get these boots off me.

Speaker 5 Nermit, why are you always standing under the delivery chute? You know, you never know when you're gonna get something delivered, but it's-I mean, I'm in a pile of boots.

Speaker 10 Ugh, get away from the bottom of the box.

Speaker 7 I apologize for the dust and the smell, but let me tell you, the party was crazy.

Speaker 13 You know, I don't know if we should be opening these boots.

Speaker 5 These are these are like collectors. Some of these belong to celebrities.

Speaker 4 No, there's a smell up.

Speaker 3 There we go. Okay.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 15 Jags.

Speaker 8 That's just a pile of color cream lacrosse.

Speaker 22 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11 But it's

Speaker 10 the wrong color.

Speaker 9 Yeah, well, this dust is clearly

Speaker 3 gone. Man, it's just become dust as you see.

Speaker 22 Yeah, that'll happen.

Speaker 17 Open another.

Speaker 4 Oh, wow.

Speaker 11 Little fake for you, but you could grow into it.

Speaker 6 Vino loves taking pieces.

Speaker 7 That was probably from Lilin Mino.

Speaker 18 Oh.

Speaker 7 He was a real nasty little piece.

Speaker 5 You know, Bino, a lot of the time, we all take turns open.

Speaker 10 We all take turns opening boots. That's kind of.

Speaker 16 You don't just open a bunch of boots opening.

Speaker 4 Oh, wow.

Speaker 13 Wow, a boot inside a boot.

Speaker 6 It's a nasty boot.

Speaker 21 Okay, sure.

Speaker 7 Wait, open up the one that's been making noises. It's been driving me crazy for such a long time.

Speaker 5 There's something that's still activated in one of these boots?

Speaker 4 Oh no! What?

Speaker 4 Oh boy, wow. That's

Speaker 10 good.

Speaker 11 You opened it, Bino. Do as that tiny creature says.

Speaker 8 See this thing out there early?

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 3 It's been trapped in a boot for 90 years.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Bino, this is part of X Mars where if, you know, if a very suicidal being has been trapped sort of genie-like in there, you do have to kill kill it.

Speaker 6 Is the meaning of X-Mars survival?

Speaker 5 Well, it's our survival. Yeah, well, at the expense of others, if necessary.

Speaker 11 You know what might actually help set the X-Mars mood? Why don't we throw on the Holomark channel? There's just hour after hour after hour of senseless X-Mars holos to watch.

Speaker 3 They start that earlier and earlier.

Speaker 10 And

Speaker 5 a lot of them start bargaining.

Speaker 7 Oh, what a beautiful X-Mars Eve. I can't wait until I get my ex-Mars kiss underneath the salacious rock.

Speaker 17 Bargie! Vergie, that's you, Daddy.

Speaker 3 Oh, my rock! Is that that same guy from the boat?

Speaker 20 Kill me!

Speaker 8 I'm not gonna kill you. Just kill me!

Speaker 7 No, tomorrow's ex-Marzieve! You can't kill someone. It's about survival.
Not about our own survival, but the survival of everybody.

Speaker 8 Happy X-Mars!

Speaker 7 Happy X-Mars!

Speaker 7 Bye the merch!

Speaker 5 Bino, we might have gotten that wrong wrong earlier when we told you to kill that guy.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Well, you know, times change.

Speaker 5 Sure, it was a different time.

Speaker 11 That was 90 years ago.

Speaker 6 Bino still not know what is Xmars.

Speaker 5 Listen, Bino, I gotta tell you, X-Mars is pretty much what we've done.

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 3 you watch some Holomark channels.

Speaker 8 Yep, though.

Speaker 6 But Bino thinks there must be

Speaker 6 more to X-Mars.

Speaker 5 I mean, I think it's a lot about you have rough relationships with your family and you try to fix that through what ends up being like pretty poorly thought-out gift.

Speaker 5 It's always inside the same thing, a boot.

Speaker 9 To be honest, it's not a great receptacle for most gifts.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 Hey, can someone stop Roger from touching all my buttons? We wouldn't, he wasn't my favorite co-star. We do not get along.

Speaker 14 The reason why he's in that boot.

Speaker 16 Roger, Roger, we can drop you off wherever you want.

Speaker 8 Just push this.

Speaker 14 No, Roger, certainly.

Speaker 22 Certainly, Roger.

Speaker 22 Oh, Roger!

Speaker 20 Oh, they're down the toilet.

Speaker 4 But, Benny, what is X-Men?

Speaker 8 Well, you know, think about it.

Speaker 11 Usually at X-Mars, you're stuck with your family.

Speaker 5 You've probably been drinking.

Speaker 11 And this group of people is definitely as close to family as any of us are going to get.

Speaker 7 You can't stop thinking about the people who you were with, what they're doing on X-Mars now, with other people.

Speaker 11 Oh, yeah, you're always thinking about other people who you think are having a better time because they're projecting it on social holidays.

Speaker 17 Sure, sure.

Speaker 21 Okay, listen.

Speaker 11 I do need a drink now. I feel like that's in the X-Marshall.

Speaker 8 Oh, I have some of those.

Speaker 7 They're from that party.

Speaker 4 Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Aged in the bottle.

Speaker 10 Toss one of those over here.

Speaker 11 I mean, they're all giant jugs with just three X's on them.

Speaker 14 Wait, was this a little bit of a damage?

Speaker 21 This is a prohibition-era party.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 5 Listen, uh, Bino.

Speaker 3 Did you drink that whole game?

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 5 I suddenly know a dance. Okay, you don't.
You actually don't know.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you don't know a dance. You guys, in about 20 minutes, get me up.

Speaker 6 Bino, wanna hear the story of X-Mas.

Speaker 10 Well, you know.

Speaker 3 You know, Bino,

Speaker 4 a year ago, we had a.

Speaker 15 Rip Ciso!

Speaker 3 Okay,

Speaker 17 just keep drinking, sweet.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 18 he told us.

Speaker 22 He told us some wonderful stories about the true meaning of Exmars. So maybe

Speaker 9 if we remember Rip Ciso's words.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you know, C-53, maybe you could play back a story that Rip Ciso told us about X Mars. You know, maybe one that was cut for time.

Speaker 16 I believe it's different.

Speaker 5 Mission time, cut for mission time. Of course, yes,

Speaker 14 we got the first X-Mars end, Mr. Ciso.

Speaker 12 Rip Ciso. Oh, Mr.
Rip Ciso.

Speaker 15 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 23 Would you like to hear the story of the very first X-Mars?

Speaker 21 That'd be great. We would, yeah.

Speaker 13 Well,

Speaker 23 long, long ago, before anyone was born except the people in this story,

Speaker 23 there was a decree sent out from the center of the galaxy. That galaxy's rulers said, I want to do a census.
I want to know every creature that lives in the galaxy.

Speaker 23 I want to know their name, their ethnicity, their height and weight.

Speaker 23 I want to know their political affiliations.

Speaker 24 I want to know their eye color.

Speaker 23 I'd like to know

Speaker 23 what kind of sex they have,

Speaker 15 how often,

Speaker 23 and is it dirty?

Speaker 25 That's a thorough sensitive.

Speaker 4 Quite similar to the work we do.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I mean, honestly, that sort of sounds like the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 11 I was waiting for you to make this about you, Pleck.

Speaker 17 It felt to be fair.

Speaker 25 C53 brought that up first.

Speaker 17 It really felt like

Speaker 17 you wishing to say, I do the same thing.

Speaker 25 Is that what you think my voice sounds like?

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 4 Yes, that's quite close to how you sound.

Speaker 12 Oh, I like to do this.

Speaker 4 That's a pretty good play.

Speaker 5 Alright, continue, Ripsy Song.

Speaker 15 So,

Speaker 23 there was this couple,

Speaker 23 this young couple, and they were with child.

Speaker 23 Not both of them, they weren't that sort of species, it was just the one, the female one, was great with child.

Speaker 13 Exactly,

Speaker 13 Right.

Speaker 23 Like, that's what they'd say to their friends: like, Would we children?

Speaker 11 Hate couples that do that.

Speaker 11 Really disgusting.

Speaker 21 I hate this couple.

Speaker 25 Well, now it's still early in the story.

Speaker 26 Don't judge them.

Speaker 25 Don't write them off just yet.

Speaker 17 All right, it's going to take a lot to turn this around for us, though.

Speaker 15 Understood.

Speaker 23 So, this young couple, their names were

Speaker 23 Geranius and Medzoid.

Speaker 23 Geranius and Medzoid had to go back to their own planet, Beetleham.

Speaker 23 They had to go there to be counted on the home planet, right?

Speaker 25 And talk about their sex lives and how tall they were.

Speaker 23 Wouldn't you know?

Speaker 23 There was no room at the spaceport for them.

Speaker 23 And so they went to talk to the quartermaster of the the spaceport who said, I don't have any room for you, but you can get in that garbage compactor.

Speaker 23 And I'll tell you what, I won't press the button to smush you with the walls.

Speaker 2 Common problem.

Speaker 23 It is a common problem.

Speaker 11 And very generous of that quartermaster, I must say.

Speaker 12 I've been smushed in a garbage pact. I have.

Speaker 5 Is that why one of your legs is shorter than the other?

Speaker 20 No.

Speaker 12 That's from the story. That's why my legs are shorter.

Speaker 5 We didn't get to that part of the story, so I wasn't sure.

Speaker 22 Ow! Ow!

Speaker 4 Maybe it's still bringing it up so much, they won't kick you quiet so frequently.

Speaker 23 You shouldn't have brought it up, sir.

Speaker 21 You're right.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 5 Sorry, continue. So they got in the garbage compactor.

Speaker 23 The garbage compactor.

Speaker 25 There's Mersoid.

Speaker 25 She's about to give birth.

Speaker 23 It's her time to birth this youngling that she's got inside of her. Meatsoid was a Tellurian, so

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 25 Oh, the story's about Tellurians. That's great.

Speaker 13 Well, is that the only way you can understand this story?

Speaker 5 Sometimes it helps me understand things if I can envision it in a way that I can relate to.

Speaker 12 That's unconscious bias, that's what that is.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 5 Rip Ciso, please continue your story.

Speaker 23 So Medsaw gives birth to a beautiful child.

Speaker 25 Now...

Speaker 23 This child was beloved by many, for many thought that perhaps this child had the the power power to to unite the entire galaxy that this child will one day grow up to become a great teacher

Speaker 24 and by example

Speaker 23 show everyone the true meaning of X Mars

Speaker 24 but

Speaker 23 the child got lost in the rubbish oh no

Speaker 23 it was born and then just slipped down in that garbage

Speaker 23 and they never found him

Speaker 25 Rumor has it?

Speaker 23 He's still around.

Speaker 25 That seems like the least likely scenario.

Speaker 15 I loved it.

Speaker 5 That seems, I mean, almost definitely not still around.

Speaker 25 If that was first, X-Mars,

Speaker 13 I can't imagine.

Speaker 4 Were you there

Speaker 4 in the garbage compact?

Speaker 21 No. Wait, were you, sir? No, no, no.

Speaker 16 No, I wasn't.

Speaker 23 Thought we had a lead.

Speaker 18 It's a mysterious holiday, Exmaraz is.

Speaker 5 Yeah, not the not the most upbeat.

Speaker 5 Do you understand, Bino, now what Exmars is?

Speaker 7 Well, hey, I actually uh got a boot in my mail patch a couple days ago.

Speaker 9 A couple days ago?

Speaker 18 And uh,

Speaker 7 I know that sometimes, you know, mail comes across the unibus very fast or slow, depending on how much closet you put on.

Speaker 11 I do what priority you say.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I mean, if you ship it ground, it's not going to get here.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Rod, help you if you go for the Super Saiver shipping.

Speaker 22 Sure. You don't know when that's going to happen.

Speaker 8 I mean, ow.

Speaker 17 Nermit, you have to get out of the window.

Speaker 5 I don't know when it's going to be something good. It's always going to be something that hits you.

Speaker 12 What if it's just like a blanket?

Speaker 5 You think Bargie would receive a shipment of

Speaker 21 a loose blanket?

Speaker 8 I mean,

Speaker 4 why are you open it?

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 5 I guess I earned it.

Speaker 13 Wait.

Speaker 17 Guys, hold on a second.

Speaker 5 This boot is from Miss Janelle Fitzmeyer to the crew of the Bargerian Jade XOXO.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 5 Joy, joy, joy.

Speaker 27 Tis a season of grace and truthfulness.

Speaker 27 Hello, dear Pleck, C53,

Speaker 27 Dar,

Speaker 27 Nermit, Bargy, and of course, they know treasured friends. I thought I would send you you a very early XMARS update.
This past year since I've seen you last, I have lost 46 etons of weightlessness.

Speaker 27 That is very good for my blood pressure. I also took up percussion.

Speaker 27 Well, please enjoy the Bebops and Zuzus that I made for you in this nice little tin box. I also included a two croon coin, coin and it's from a very rare issue year so I hope you enjoyed that.

Speaker 27 All is well with the cleanse. They are not as smart as they used to be.
Something is a little off but we thought we would add something fun this year to their programming and that's hip-hop dancing.

Speaker 27 I also thought you'd enjoy knowing that.

Speaker 27 You are always welcome to visit me here. I do have a truckle bed in my guest room that will sleep three, so I hope to see your beautiful faces soon.

Speaker 18 All right.

Speaker 3 Ta-ta.

Speaker 27 Love, love. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug.
Janelle Fitzmeyer.

Speaker 5 She is so nice. She really just is the best.
She's just, she's an empath, you know?

Speaker 16 Yeah, we were lucky to have met her at all.

Speaker 11 Very sweet.

Speaker 17 Very, very sweet.

Speaker 18 Wow.

Speaker 7 Oh, well, since we're all gathered here today,

Speaker 7 there's a new song by Peeny Gorno.

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 7 It's Trump's new holiday X-Moss album that came out now because I think

Speaker 9 critics describe it as extremely ill-advised.

Speaker 19 Alright, Peeny, we are rolling.

Speaker 18 So, whenever you're ready.

Speaker 18 Come gather and children and open your boots.

Speaker 28 I got an X-Mars surprise for all of you. It's my new X-Moss album.
You're listening right now.

Speaker 28 I got a lot running on this project because I've been damn financially.

Speaker 10 I'm very vulnerable and I need help.

Speaker 5 Why are we stopping?

Speaker 13 Why are we stopping?

Speaker 11 I mean, there is nothing more X-Mars than a croon grab holiday song.

Speaker 5 I imagine he was just kind of stoned to death at that concert.

Speaker 10 He made it out.

Speaker 12 He survived.

Speaker 6 Bino wav all of you.

Speaker 10 Whoa.

Speaker 11 Oh, Bino, you are certainly growing on all of us.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you know, Bino, we really thought you were gonna be gone after a couple missions,

Speaker 5 but turns out you were around for a long time.

Speaker 5 And when you're gone, if you're gone,

Speaker 5 we'll probably miss you.

Speaker 7 And I'll never ditch any of you ever, definitely.

Speaker 5 Thanks, Bargie. That means a lot.
Wow. Happy X-Mars, everybody.
Happy X-Mars.

Speaker 20 God bless us, everyone.

Speaker 4 Oh, no.

Speaker 13 Whoa! Where is he? Wow, why was it? Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 16 He crawled back up the toilet and...

Speaker 21 Nervous, what's in that boot?

Speaker 15 Oh, okay. I'm just gonna dig in here.

Speaker 5 Oh, it's just a sausage.

Speaker 26 Mm-hmm. You get 10% off at Sausage Land down by the Arena Skate Center off of Route 77882.

Speaker 5 Wow, this sausage is also an audio coupon.

Speaker 26 Who loves sausage? Wiener loves sausage. Do you get that? Do you know what we we just did? Yeah, I get the job.
Who loves sausage?

Speaker 13 Wiener loves sausage.

Speaker 26 And now it's 50% off this weekend.

Speaker 13 Honestly, a good deal.

Speaker 5 Barjay, I'm surprised at how many of the items that these boots are like still kicking, you know?