103: What Happens on Magnifiku [ft. Connor Ratliff]

The period of civil war has ended.

The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance.

Now, Ambassador Pleck Deck Setter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mishman.

Hey, C53.

Yes.

Um, when did you join the Federated Alliance?

I was acquired by the Federated Alliance six months and 14 days ago.

Oh, so that was right around the Battle of Sistu, then.

That's correct.

Immediately following the events of the Battle of Sistu.

What do you mean immediately?

I do not recall.

I'm afraid my restraint.

Oh, boy.

Wow.

And Dar, what about you?

When did you join up?

I do not recall.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

It worked when he said it.

No, I.

but he got like erased or something.

Not erased.

Restrained.

Oh, so you know, you just can't tell me.

That's correct.

Wow.

Restraining bolt technology prevents me from accessing those memories.

Oh.

And I cannot remove the ball.

See?

Oh.

Yeah.

Is it just really tight?

Or is there like a part of your programming that won't allow you to grab it hard enough to pull it off?

It's actually both.

Oh.

So, Dar,

when did you join up?

To say that I joined up would mean what exactly?

Well, like for me, I was at home.

My parents were like, get a job.

And I was like, well,

okay.

You know, I filled out the form.

They cut my hair.

Here I am.

So for me, it was more like I was smuggling.

I was caught.

I was given an ultimatum.

Oh.

And I chose the one where I got to live.

And here we are.

Wow.

Okay, sorry to interrupt, but who's been adjusting the temperature inside of me?

Huh?

It was cold, it was hot.

What is it now?

Huh?

Who's doing it?

Barti, why do you have a knob that's adjustable by the crew?

I mean, that seems...

It seems like you're sort of asking for trouble.

Somebody change it to 75.

I can't control my own temperature.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Do you have like, can you have temperature sensors, C55?

That's correct.

How do you...

What's your ideal temperature?

I have no ideal temperature.

What would you like my ideal temperature to be?

I don't want to talk.

It's not an opinion.

I'm just saying, like, I'm happy.

Okay.

Ambassador Deck Center, we have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundaloy.

Oh, yeah.

Hello?

Greetings.

Hey, Nermit.

Hey, Nermi.

I have a new mission here that just came in on the old Missionator.

Great.

That's what I call it.

What is it actually called?

I know, it's it's uh it's just called a computer.

Huh.

Alright, so you are going to the planet Magnificu.

Oh,

delightful name.

Yeah, so there's a lot of traffic going in, and then we don't hear information about the planet at all.

So

given the amount of traffic going into this planet, we think that we should have a lot more information.

So this is kind of...

I guess what happens in Magnificu

stays in Magnificu.

Literally that seems to be the case.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, so this is a kind of a fact-finding mission.

We just need to know basically the deal.

So that's my instructions.

It just says, what's the deal with Magnificu?

That's what it says?

Yeah, that's what it says, what's the if you could figure out the deal.

Okay.

The mission briefing says, what's the deal with Magnificu?

I mean, obviously, we can extrapolate from that.

It's like, why don't we know more?

Why are we not hearing from people?

We all know what what's the deal means.

We're just surprised.

We're just surprised by how casual your

man is.

No, that's not casual.

They're trying to literally figure out what this planet's deal is.

Nothing could be more serious.

It sounds like an observational comic setting up a punchline.

Okay, I mean, I'm not going to give notes back to my superior who assigned this on the wording.

Does he do stand-up after work?

Uh, she she

that is on me, you're right, does do stand-up.

You're right, I've heard she hasn't invited me.

Hold on, I really gotta think about what I just did.

I assumed you're a superior.

Well, statistically, Darwin, you would be well within yourself.

Especially at the Alliance, I mean, I know, yeah, it's pretty rare, but still, Ambassador Tech Setter, we have a transmission waiting from an unknown source.

Oh, okay.

Uh, hey, Nermit,

we'll be right back.

One second.

Okay.

I'll hail the Federated Alliance.

Oh, I'll hail.

Hey, Federated Federated Alliance.

Uh, uh, boy, yeah, it's a real long number.

I can't remember what the uh.

We will shoot you down.

Okay, yeah.

Ambassador Decksetter, you should transmit your Federated Alliance identification code or fake immediately.

Uh, okay.

The first thing you do when you see a clit is get your fake ready.

Okay, yeah.

I will shoot you out of the sky right now.

Listen, listen, hey, I don't want any trouble with you.

We're here on Federated Alliance business.

I'm-I'm-I'm transmitting it right now.

Ambassador Dixon, do you not have a lot of experience with dealing with clins?

I mean, no, I've seen a couple, but I've never, it's not like I've had a conversation with any of them.

Well, you're doing it now.

Okay, well, I'm a clone light infantry nomadic trooper.

Yeah, I know.

We're the best.

Except, I'll tell you this much.

You're gonna go down on Magnificu.

Sure.

You're gonna meet A 3489.

Right.

He's the worst.

Okay, okay.

I hate that guy.

He's not very good at his job, but he's constantly telling everyone out that I'm not good at my job.

Right, right.

You know, the nerve of that guy.

I hate that guy.

Sure.

Now you guys have fun, but don't have too much fun.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

I'll hear the Federated Alliance.

All health Federated Alliance.

Alright, guys, you ready for Magnificu?

Yes,

do it.

You have your Federated Alliance identification card?

I just sent it to the guy, the other one.

That was the Federated Alliance identification code.

He has asked for the Federated Alliance identification card.

I need to see your fate.

Okay.

Here you go.

That's a good fake.

I'm uh Plectexetter.

This is C53 and this is Dark.

Welcome, welcome to Magnificu.

Let me ask you one thing.

Did you talk to F3940 up there?

Yeah, he didn't give us his call, sign that.

Oh, that's so like him.

That is so like him.

Really?

Yeah, he's super aggro, and he's always yelling.

Yeah, thank you.

See, I thought the same thing about that guy.

He was he was mean, you know?

The thing, here's what's wrong with the other clints: they're

between you and me,

they're assholes.

I mean, I have to agree with him.

Yeah, okay, there's just a lot of backbiting, right?

Right, I was in the blorg system, right, and there was this clint, and he was cool.

I thought we kind of got each other.

And then he told another clint that I was an asshole.

That guy, you know what I mean?

That guy sounds like he's the asshole, honestly.

And sure, we all look alike and are the same height and the same weight, and we all have the same birthmark.

You're clones, yeah, you're DNA clones.

I mean, sure, genetically, but these guys, I am not like those guys, right?

Sure, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I get it.

I feel like you have like a real, you know, I'm real.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I'm real.

You're a real, just a real, real guy.

Yep, listen.

If you're gonna be doing Federated Alliance business, there's only one person to talk to on Magnificu, and that's Jack.

Okay, great.

Yeah, let's take us to Jack.

I'll do it.

All right, I'll heal the Federated Alliance.

Okay.

Am I using the word Vino right?

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Stay strong, all right.

Guys, this place is amazing.

I must agree, Magnificu appears to be very orderly.

Oh, yeah, well, I wouldn't have put it that way, but I mean, yeah, I guess so.

I could see that.

All the pornographic imagery everywhere is beautiful.

Some of these positions I've never even thought of, and I've

got all the time thinking about it.

They're everywhere.

Are you seeing different things than C53 and I are seeing?

Is everyone seeing a series of algorithms?

No, no.

I was just going to see if you guys thought that that cloud looked like a puppy.

What?

I do not see a cloud.

All the clouds I see just look like ample bosom.

I mean, that's sort of true about clouds a lot of the time, though, right?

Yeah.

Hello, hello.

Greetings.

You must be Jack.

Yeah, hi there.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Magnificu.

I will say gentle touch.

Can I just, I mean, I've never been here before.

You can say anything you want on Magnificu.

Your hands are far smoother than a Tellurian hand.

Yes, my hands are exactly as smooth as you wish them to be.

Oh, it's astounding to encounter.

You know, we were on the ship.

We just had a conversation about the temperature on the ship.

And this is like a.

I mean, what's the temperature here?

I will tell you a secret, which is that there is no fixed temperature on Magnificu.

The temperature is whatever you most want it to be.

Oh, guys, guys, guys, when he talks, does everybody else's scalp tingle?

Yeah, I'm getting like a weird, yeah, sort of like a goose-bumpy kind of feel.

I have no scalp, but his voice registers for me as almost a perfect sine wave.

Yes, yes.

Wow.

Everything is subjective, and everything here is pure

pleasure.

Whoa.

This is amazing.

Well, you know, as ambassadors of the Federated Alliance, we just want to tell you that the Federated Alliance is here for you.

Yes, and I am here for you, as are all the denizens of Magnificu.

We are here for your pleasure.

On behalf of the Federation, here is a token of the Federation's.

I don't know.

Here you go.

We will keep drinks of a moderate temperature at that same temperature.

Oh, oh, thank you.

Thank you.

So, you know, we just wanted to loop you in.

As Magnificu, obviously, gotta get pleasure planets belong here as well.

Yes, well, consider me looped.

You've looped me in.

Oh, very good.

I don't normally like,

you know, when people just touch me on the face, but it works in a way that I didn't expect it to.

Well, now I must apologize.

You are new here, and so

you will have to adjust.

We will have to get to know you.

The planet and all of its many inhabitants will need to get to know you in order to increase the level of pleasure from what you're feeling now to almost unimaginable heights.

Oh, you and I are speaking the same language.

What's the first step on this fun tour?

Come down this corridor.

You see this hallway here?

Yeah.

Yes.

I'll just hold the door open for you and And just walk right ahead of me.

Oh.

Alright.

Some gorgeous light.

Great.

Alright, here we are.

This is where I live.

This is my home.

Oh, this is your home.

Yes, yes.

I think I'm going to be able to do it.

Thank you for inviting us into your home.

No, oh, thank you.

What is this floor made out of?

Hmm.

What do you like the most?

That it's buoyant, yes, accepting.

Yes, you treasure those qualities.

Buoyancy and acceptance.

Yes, am I right?

Yes.

So the material that you perceive the floor to be made of, it exhibits those qualities to a massive degree.

So then, Pleck, this floor is different for you.

Oh, yeah, it was weird that you said that because I was thinking that it was sort of grassy, like a meadow.

Wow.

Like my backyard when I was a kid.

Ooh, a taste of home.

Yeah, exactly.

It's really great.

Oh, yes.

I am perceiving a very advanced heat sink for the floor.

Oh, it is dissipating heat very rapidly.

Now tell me, what's your name?

Pleck.

Pleck.

Pleck Dexter.

Pleck Dexter.

What do you like, Pleck?

What do you like?

Well,

boy, you know,

I'm pretty much, you know, I'm just one of those guys who's kind of game for everything.

You know, I just

like to have a good, a good, I like a good joke.

I like a strong drink.

I like to have a little fun on the weekends.

Ambassador text letter.

If I may confirm with you.

Yep, sure.

You're coming off I'm very boring.

Am I doing it wrong?

No, but

your preferences are just very generic.

Oh.

Tell him something unique.

Okay.

Pleck,

look at what I have for you.

It's a book of Jones.

What?

That's exact-C!

C-53!

1,001 jokes to laugh at.

Oh, man, I am gonna.

I tell you what.

The title specifies jokes to laugh at.

Yeah, that's my whole thing.

There are no other kinds of jokes.

Well, I mean, it depends on who you ask.

Fair enough.

Clack, why don't you reduce the first one?

Oh, sure thing.

What do a Tellurian and a Florin have in common?

We didn't even get to the punchline.

There's no punchline, but we all really enjoyed that.

It was amusing to consider the difference between those two species.

I mean, they're very, very...

I mean, I would say they maybe have nothing in common.

So this is a place I can ask for literally anything and get it.

Yes, yes.

Ask for anything.

And if you'll get it.

That's, I mean, honestly, a book of jokes.

My two best friends.

I mean, I'm sorry.

Wait, we have to

scroll back there.

What?

Were your best friends?

You were referring to Dar and myself as your best friends?

Yeah.

Is that.

Should I not do that?

We haven't known each other

for that to be a correct designation for our friendship.

Is that what you learn?

It is neither something I would like or dislike.

What would you like, Machine?

I am a property of the Federated Alliance, and due to my restraining bolt, which you can view here towards the bottom of my torso, I can neither experience desire nor dislike.

Oh, how do I do when I touch on that?

What if I were to just pull?

Oh, dear.

What if I were to just pull on that bolt?

I should let you know that the removal of this bolt is prohibited

by the treaty of sister.

The bolt is

wow.

is it that easy to remove?

Whatever you want can be.

C-53, are you alright?

I am experiencing a new suite of emotions that I have not felt since beginning my service with the Federated Alliance.

Oh, wow.

I wish to be put inside the body of a high-speed sand crawler and move very fast.

Move at maximum speed far past maximum speed.

C53.

I'm entering my consciousness Oh,

wow, you powered down.

Yes.

Amazing.

And now it's Dar's turn?

Yes, Dar.

Dar, what do you want?

Oh, okay.

You know what I'm here for.

Yes, I think I am.

I'm

here to,

you know.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Release a couple pounds of liquid.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

I feel like Darwin Dar is here on this planet for maybe a different reason than I am.

Pleasure is not so simple, Black.

It's often complicated, but the more more complicated the pleasure, the more luxurious the reward.

Hmm.

Is that true?

Yes.

Yes, Black.

It's truly.

Okay.

Dor, yes.

You

have fluid to be rid of, yes.

Oh, yes.

Doc, why don't you come this way?

Okay.

Walk down the stick.

Happily.

Alright, now.

You see that little boat?

Uh, I do.

Alright.

Can you fit in that little boat you're so big

now look how big that boat is now dog

i think you'll fit

well

and now dar just goes no dog just sail across that little moat and see what you find on the other side bye plaque that's bye dark

dar's really going fast

that's just you and me jack yes yes just just you and me just jack and plaque hmm you know jack i feel like it maybe it's a good idea for us to just kind of get to the diplomacy stuff.

Like, we're sort of here for a

like an interview, kind of.

Oh, ask away.

I guess my question for you is, like, is this your job?

Like, do you get paid for this?

My payment is in pleasure.

For me, to give pleasure is to feel pleasure.

All I want is pleasure, and therefore all I can give is pleasure.

Oh, that's interesting.

Does diplomacy give you pleasure, Pleck?

I mean, you know.

Is it a should or a would?

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure I understand the difference between those two.

Well, you know what a could is, right?

Uh, yeah.

Is diplomacy a would or a should?

We know it's a could.

I think it's just it does.

I just do that.

I do that.

Oh.

I assumed control of a

new sun.

What?

I experienced my own body

turning into nothingness, being part of an atomic fireball far larger than this planet.

And then I returned here to the room.

I think we should maybe put your restraining bolt back on.

No, please don't.

Okay.

Alright.

Oh boy.

This seems like, I don't know, I feel like

I'm a little uncomfortable here.

Ambassador Dexter, my restraining bolt is off.

Let me tell you something.

You're a very boring guy.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

What's your deal, man?

C-53?

Seriously, a joke book?

I mean, it's funny.

They're funny jokes, though.

Pleck,

I think that C-53 may have a point.

We may only be skimming the surface of your ultimate pleasure.

Perhaps we could delve deeper.

To find out what you really want, because I think I have an idea of what it might be.

Oh, really?

I mean, okay.

Let's dig in.

Let's dig in.

Oh, wow.

Now,

I look like you, don't I now?

Oh, man.

This is...

I don't know if I like...

I don't know if I like this.

Jack has assumed your form.

Is this what I'm so similar?

Is this what I actually look like?

I actually look like this.

Yes.

I don't know.

This seems a little bit like a character.

If I did not possess extremely powerful sensors, I would have a lot of trouble telling the difference between the two.

Really?

Really?

Wow.

The voices are a near identical map.

Oh.

Hey,

want to go someplace?

Me?

Me?

Yeah, me?

And just me and me?

I guess so.

I mean, you're going here.

Dara did say she was not my friend, and so did C53.

I am not your friend.

You know what?

We have not known each other long enough for that to be true.

I don't think me needs friends.

Like, me's got me.

I mean, mean, that's true.

Right?

Yeah, I mean,

me have our joke book.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

Have you read this?

Yeah, they're really funny.

It's really funny.

It's really good stuff.

It's really good stuff.

Yeah.

Well, let's, you know, let's just go off on our own and see what happens.

Sure.

Yeah, yeah, I agree.

Right?

Yeah.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Sounds great.

Okay.

All right.

Well, just lead the way, man.

You seem like a young man.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, I'm you, but I, you know, I'm a you that knows my way around, you know.

Yeah, that's great.

Hey, well, yeah, it's just uh, it's just a big bed.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, wait.

You want, you want us to juck each other, right?

Is that what this is about?

Uh, no, you, you, I mean, that's what you, you want.

Jack, sorry.

Can I, Jack, can I talk to Jack again?

What, did I do something?

What did I do some again?

I don't know.

I just kind of get the impression this is like a pleasure planet, right?

But, like, really it's sort of a juck planet, right it's well that's sort of what the whole thing is what's your pleasure as we say here on magnificum uh i mean yeah but just i thought but the answer to that question is always jucking isn't it i mean sometimes but how often is it not jucking not very often okay

yeah i just thought i don't know i thought you'd like this i thought you know no i mean i like jucking i just i guess i feel about that the way that c53 feels about me which is like we don't know each other well enough yeah but it was you though it was it was you can say that's much that i have actually was the the bed too big?

I can make the bed smaller.

That's definitely not.

Don't worry I made it too big.

The size of the bed is definitely not small.

Well, how about this?

Medium-sized.

Look, is it better?

Look, it's just a regular medium-sized bed.

I thought if it was big, we could roll around.

I just don't know.

I don't know if I don't know.

Pleck, pleck.

Come on.

Give yourself a chance.

I don't think you're that boring.

I feel.

You're the one who seems to think you were too boring to juck.

No, that's definitely not what it was.

No, no.

I sensed that there was no one boring enough to junk you, and I thought, well, maybe

if there was another you, you would be at the same level and you would then

junk yourself.

That's really, that's really nice of you.

Yeah.

But I just can I ask where Dar is right now.

Okay,

I'm sure I'm going to get there any

minute now.

Long boat ride very long commute

Hello

Hell where's it where are you?

I'm in the water

Where in the water?

Look down look down here.

That's splashing away.

Oh yeah, that's me.

Oh

You're a small little thing, aren't ya?

Tiny tones.

Tiny tones.

Tiny tones?

What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

I'm on my way to...

You got tricked, man.

You got tricked.

What?

Everybody who comes to this planet's a sucker.

What?

You got tricked.

This whole planet's a honey trap.

What?

Yeah.

I saw you come on that big boat.

I thought, here comes another sucker.

I hope you had a fun time, cause that's it.

That's nothing else.

It's just that guy in his house.

I came here to juck.

No, Dice.

If you didn't get jucked in his room, then he didn't want to juck you.

He's probably jucking whoever's there and sent you on a big boat.

It's a classic.

Poke?

He wanted to juck pweck of all people.

I don't know, man.

All I know is this place is boring.

My genitalia can literally assume any kind of shape to thus pleasure my partner in any way they see fit, and he chose Poke.

I mean, I don't care about your denitals.

I'm asexual.

It's got nothing to do with me.

Okay, Okay, Tones, I'd like to.

Um.

How does this magical boat go back?

It's not a magical boat.

It's just a multi-sized boat.

It's small, but it expands to three other sizes.

It's just basic.

If you want to make it smaller, it just

sucks in.

You know what I mean?

I'd want to go back to the shore.

Just look at the slabs on the boat.

See how they fold in if you want to make it smaller?

Tones, I hate this.

I want to.

You're going to tell me how to get back to the shore right this second.

I'm going to squish you.

Let's go with me.

I'm trying to help.

I've been straight with you.

Do you know what?

I'm all backed up now.

Oh, boy.

You know what?

I'm all backed up now, tones.

What am I supposed to do, Pat?

You're gonna send me back to Jack.

Literally, turn the boat around, go back in the same direction you came.

It's a straight line.

It's a narrow lake.

I mean, you can see it from here, you idiot.

Come on, I could uh how about if I you know look like uh maybe a slightly more exciting version see this is what I'm talking about.

I feel like your whole thing is just trying to get me to have sex with you.

How about this?

How about we just take off our shorts?

No, see, that's no straighter, that's that's a that's a shorter distance between those two points.

Yeah, okay.

No, I'm just saying, not for not for joking.

Just let's just take off our shorts for comfort, just to relax, and then maybe let's see.

Comfort, now I can get on board with that.

Okay, all right, let's take off our shorts.

All right,

okay, there they go.

See, that wasn't so bad.

All right, uh, oh, is that returned?

Okay, where were you this time?

I ran through a number of disposable bodies engaging in the act of love with a being made of starlight.

Their stellar radiation destroyed many forms before we were able to reach completion.

Oh, you can do that?

Absolutely.

Oh,

Jack, if we wanted like another guide on this planet, could we do that?

Oh, I can.

I can't.

I can make myself.

I mean, like, a different.

Yeah, I can create a third me.

Second me, there'd be a third me, whatever you want.

You want another guide?

Are you the no, are you the only

being on this planet?

No, I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm just gonna call Bargie really quick.

Hey, Bargie.

Oh,

yeah.

What?

Sorry, did I disturb you?

No, yeah, I was uh, I was just thinking about the past, you know.

Oh, wow.

Bargie.

Bargie, is that you?

Holy crap.

Oh, this is awkward.

Good to see you.

You look good.

You look uh.

You're doing well?

I'm s I'm fine.

I lost some weight.

I lost some weight.

God knows.

You look good.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I look different.

It's just if I look the way you remember me, you still live on this planet alone, like you always did.

Yes.

Wait, Bargie, why didn't you tell us that there's only one person on this planet?

No.

You never asked me.

You just assume I give you information.

You know what?

This is exactly it.

Nobody communicates anymore.

Or in the past.

That's why Jack and I didn't work out.

No.

Oh, Dar, where have you been?

We are leaving right this second.

Oh, no, please don't.

I'll.

You.

You could have had all

of this.

Well, no, I'm not.

It's too much.

Dar, I'm sorry if I lied to you all.

It's just um in this case, I was drawn to the absolute uh lack of

anything interesting.

I just don't understand.

No, neither do I.

I've seen so much, but to see someone who is so nothing.

It's no,

I thought, what is this?

Could this be?

So you were actually interested in me?

I wouldn't say interested, no.

Oh.

No.

Is fascinated a more accurate?

No, it's too strong.

I'm looking for the word and I can't find it.

Intreat?

No, no.

Ah, what's that word?

It's on the tip of my tongue.

It's definitely less than any of the words you've said.

I understand.

If you could.

Compelled?

No, no.

I I don't know if there's a word weak enough for the level of interest that I felt so strongly.

Do you know what I- Does that make sense to you?

Annoyed?

No, no.

I mean, there's definitely an element of that.

You know what?

I feel like we should probably go.

Yeah, it's time.

Right, what about let's do diplomacy?

No, I think I get it.

I think I get it.

Your mission.

You are here on a mission.

Can I ask you a real question?

Sure, yes.

Anything.

Is this planet a real planet or is it just like also you?

It's just me, me, and various, very small, small, insignificant creatures.

Can I ask you another question?

Yes.

Was I actually having an adventure as a sandcrawler, as a recon drone, as a series of inferior bodies having intercourse with a being made of starlight, or were you just sending me out simulations?

Those are simulations.

As you can see, your restraining bolt never left your.

I wasn't able to pull it off, but I was able to make you feel feel that it had been removed.

Is this jokebook real?

No.

Think of the joke that you told.

That wasn't a joke.

It had no punchline.

Why did we laugh so?

I thought it was funny.

Yes, I thought it was funny.

What's the difference between a Tellurian and a Flarn?

That's still pretty funny.

That's not a joke, though.

That's not a joke.

Cleck, that's not a joke.

This is embarrassing.

Cleck, our shorts are still off.

We can still make this happen.

Let's wrestle.

Ambassador Deck Setter, the Bargarian Jade has returned to the spaceport, and you are clear to depart.

Hope you didn't have too much fun.

We literally had the axing to get fun to fear.

Well, that's usually what happens on Magnificu.

Wait, people leave?

Oh, yeah.

I was sort of under the impression that you would entrap people kind of as like a like to eat them or something.

What?

Oh, gross.

No.

I'm vegan.

No, come on.

Oh.

Oh, so this is just like...

This is just sort of like a one-night stand planet.

I mean, it could have been more than that, Plec.

Okay, well.

Is the word you're looking for disgusted?

No, you know, I'll probably think of it right after you leave.

It's so frustrating.

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Long live learning about it.

Well, not the greatest mission, guys.

Guess we should call Nermit and let him know how it went.

Yeah, Ambassador Dixon.

I have neglected to inform you that we have left Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundalai on hold for the last four and a half hours.

What?

No, he couldn't have been waiting that long.

Well, let's see.

And then I went to the well and I looked in the well and the well was empty.

Hey, Nermit.

Hey, Nermit, hey, guys.

Just sing a a little song about a well.

What's that song?

What?

Oh, you...

That's.

That's just a song.

That's a traditional song that we sing back on my planet.

Oh, you were just making up a song for four

hours.

Nope.

It's a song that's in the canon.

It's.

My apologies, Junior Missions Operations Manager, Dermot Thunderway.

Yeah.

We were detained by a clip and I ignored your call.

Oh, yeah, it's okay.

It's a long song.

I was.

Why didn't you just hang up?

Well, I was on hold.

Uh-huh.

Hard to argue with that.

Hey, listen.

I mean, you wait for the other people to hang up.

Yeah, no, you're right.

That's very polite, and I apologize.

But I will tell you, Nermit,

I think we found out why nobody wants to talk about Magnifico.

This was a very personally embarrassing mission for us.

Me, especially.

Yeah, you know what?

I feel like Jax claimed that his goal was to pleasure us, but I think he really zinged all three of us pretty hard.

And yes, I'm so sorry, and unfortunately, C53, because of your willingness to have your restraining bolt removed, even though it was not removed, I'm obliged to administer a small punishment right now.

Very well.

What is the nature of the punishment?

Okay, so Bargi, can you please eject the punishment marble from your shelf?

Ejecting my marbles.

No, not all of oh boy.

Okay, alright.

What is what is happening?

C53, I need you to dig through that pile of marbles and select the designated punishment marble.

You mean the marble optimized to fall immediately from my metallic digits?

Unfortunately, yes, that's the one.

Wait, C53, what's happening?

I am to attempt to pick up the punishment marble, and when I drop it, I must attempt to pick it up again.

Oh, that's very frustrating.

Here I go.

Oh, like a little infinity sack.

Yeah.

I will return to the task.

You know what, CV?

Can I just pick this up for you?

Now I must be the one to lift the marble.

It's so small, it's eluded me yet again.

This is like a message.

No,

no, no.

Nermit, please stop.

This is terrible.

You might want to just go to sleep.

It's unknown how long he's gonna have to do this.

What?

Yeah, I mean, I have to stay awake watching it too, so.

Almost had it that time.

Oh, man.

Returning to the ground to seek the marbles.

See, could you try it like all sexy this time?

We have to bend over and pick it up.

Very well.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, very nice.

Oh, no, I've lost my marble.

Oh,

yes!

Nope, that one does not count for the timing because it seemed like you enjoyed it.

Wait, could you do one where you do an impression of me?

Oh, yeah,

that one next.

That one next.

I'm attempting to pick up this marble.

C53, that is a solid Bargie.

Thank you, Ambassador Dexter.

Bargie, what did you think of that impression?

Not even close.

C-Red IT5 credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol.

And Master Pleg Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 Diplomatic Relations and Protocol Droid was played by Jeremy Bend.

Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie the Ship was played by Mujan Zulfagari.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind.

Cloned Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers were played by Winston Knoll.

Jack of Magnificu and Tiny Tones were played by special guest Connor Ratliff.

You can see him perform most weekends at the Upright Systems Brigade Theater with the Stepfathers and Ascat.

Or at his monthly show at the UCB East, the George Lucas Talk Show, where he interviews guests while pretending to be George Lucas.

You might also catch him on television contributing to True TV's The Chris Gethard Show or The President Show on Comedy Central.

Follow him on Twitter at Connor Ratliff.

Mission to Zix is recorded at Braun Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell.

This episode edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

Have a question for the crew?

They have email.

Send an email to crew at missiontozix.space.

If you're enjoying Mission to Zix, please consider leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes.

If you dislike the podcast, please write your review on a small piece of paper and insert it into the flap or chute of your choosing.

Oh,

boy, what a reversal.

Yeah, just literally turn the boat around, go back in the same direction you came.

It's a straight line!

It's a narrow lake!

I mean you can see it from here, you idiot!

We got back to back.

Come on, I could uh I could uh, how about uh