103: What Happens on Magnifiku [ft. Connor Ratliff]

Speaker 1 The period of civil war has ended.

Speaker 3 The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance.

Speaker 5 Now, Ambassador Pleck Deck Setter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 2 This

Speaker 8 is Mishman.

Speaker 10 Hey, C53. Yes.

Speaker 10 Um, when did you join the Federated Alliance?

Speaker 12 I was acquired by the Federated Alliance six months and 14 days ago.

Speaker 10 Oh, so that was right around the Battle of Sistu, then.

Speaker 12 That's correct. Immediately following the events of the Battle of Sistu.

Speaker 10 What do you mean immediately?

Speaker 12 I do not recall. I'm afraid my restraint.

Speaker 12 Oh, boy. Wow.

Speaker 10 And Dar, what about you? When did you join up?

Speaker 13 I do not recall.

Speaker 14 What do you mean?

Speaker 15 I don't know. It worked when he said it.

Speaker 16 No, I.

Speaker 10 but he got like erased or something.

Speaker 12 Not erased. Restrained.

Speaker 10 Oh, so you know, you just can't tell me.

Speaker 12 That's correct. Wow.
Restraining bolt technology prevents me from accessing those memories. Oh.
And I cannot remove the ball. See?

Speaker 12 Oh.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Is it just really tight? Or is there like a part of your programming that won't allow you to grab it hard enough to pull it off?

Speaker 12 It's actually both. Oh.

Speaker 10 So, Dar,

Speaker 10 when did you join up?

Speaker 17 To say that I joined up would mean what exactly?

Speaker 10 Well, like for me, I was at home. My parents were like, get a job.

Speaker 14 And I was like, well,

Speaker 11 okay.

Speaker 10 You know, I filled out the form. They cut my hair.

Speaker 18 Here I am.

Speaker 15 So for me, it was more like I was smuggling. I was caught.
I was given an ultimatum.

Speaker 14 Oh.

Speaker 15 And I chose the one where I got to live. And here we are.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 21 Okay, sorry to interrupt, but who's been adjusting the temperature inside of me?

Speaker 12 Huh?

Speaker 21 It was cold, it was hot. What is it now? Huh? Who's doing it?

Speaker 10 Barti, why do you have a knob that's adjustable by the crew? I mean, that seems...

Speaker 22 It seems like you're sort of asking for trouble.

Speaker 21 Somebody change it to 75. I can't control my own temperature.

Speaker 12 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 12 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 10 Do you have like, can you have temperature sensors, C55?

Speaker 12 That's correct.

Speaker 10 How do you... What's your ideal temperature?

Speaker 12 I have no ideal temperature. What would you like my ideal temperature to be?

Speaker 4 I don't want to talk.

Speaker 10 It's not an opinion. I'm just saying, like, I'm happy.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 12 Ambassador Deck Center, we have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundaloy. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 16 Hello? Greetings.

Speaker 10 Hey, Nermit.

Speaker 15 Hey, Nermi.

Speaker 23 I have a new mission here that just came in on the old Missionator.

Speaker 14 Great.

Speaker 23 That's what I call it.

Speaker 15 What is it actually called?

Speaker 23 I know, it's it's uh it's just called a computer. Huh.

Speaker 23 Alright, so you are going to the planet Magnificu.

Speaker 14 Oh,

Speaker 10 delightful name.

Speaker 23 Yeah, so there's a lot of traffic going in, and then we don't hear information about the planet at all. So

Speaker 23 given the amount of traffic going into this planet, we think that we should have a lot more information. So this is kind of...

Speaker 15 I guess what happens in Magnificu

Speaker 15 stays in Magnificu.

Speaker 23 Literally that seems to be the case. Oh, okay.
Yeah, so this is a kind of a fact-finding mission.

Speaker 23 We just need to know basically the deal. So that's my instructions.

Speaker 23 It just says, what's the deal with Magnificu?

Speaker 10 That's what it says?

Speaker 23 Yeah, that's what it says, what's the if you could figure out the deal.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 12 The mission briefing says, what's the deal with Magnificu?

Speaker 23 I mean, obviously, we can extrapolate from that. It's like, why don't we know more? Why are we not hearing from people?

Speaker 15 We all know what what's the deal means.

Speaker 12 We're just surprised.

Speaker 15 We're just surprised by how casual your

Speaker 15 man is. No, that's not casual.

Speaker 23 They're trying to literally figure out what this planet's deal is. Nothing could be more serious.

Speaker 15 It sounds like an observational comic setting up a punchline.

Speaker 23 Okay, I mean, I'm not going to give notes back to my superior who assigned this on the wording.

Speaker 15 Does he do stand-up after work?

Speaker 23 Uh, she she

Speaker 15 that is on me, you're right, does do stand-up.

Speaker 23 You're right, I've heard she hasn't invited me.

Speaker 15 Hold on, I really gotta think about what I just did.

Speaker 15 I assumed you're a superior.

Speaker 12 Well, statistically, Darwin, you would be well within yourself.

Speaker 12 Especially at the Alliance, I mean, I know, yeah, it's pretty rare, but still, Ambassador Tech Setter, we have a transmission waiting from an unknown source.

Speaker 25 Oh, okay.

Speaker 10 Uh, hey, Nermit,

Speaker 10 we'll be right back. One second.
Okay.

Speaker 28 I'll hail the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 16 Oh, I'll hail.

Speaker 25 Hey, Federated Federated Alliance.

Speaker 10 Uh, uh, boy, yeah, it's a real long number. I can't remember what the uh.
We will shoot you down.

Speaker 12 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 12 Ambassador Decksetter, you should transmit your Federated Alliance identification code or fake immediately. Uh, okay.

Speaker 23 The first thing you do when you see a clit is get your fake ready.

Speaker 14 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 23 I will shoot you out of the sky right now.

Speaker 10 Listen, listen, hey, I don't want any trouble with you. We're here on Federated Alliance business.
I'm-I'm-I'm transmitting it right now.

Speaker 12 Ambassador Dixon, do you not have a lot of experience with dealing with clins?

Speaker 10 I mean, no, I've seen a couple, but I've never, it's not like I've had a conversation with any of them.

Speaker 23 Well, you're doing it now. Okay, well, I'm a clone light infantry nomadic trooper.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I know. We're the best.

Speaker 23 Except, I'll tell you this much.

Speaker 23 You're gonna go down on Magnificu. Sure.
You're gonna meet A 3489. Right.

Speaker 23 He's the worst.

Speaker 4 Okay, okay. I hate that guy.
He's not very good at his job, but he's constantly telling everyone out that I'm not good at my job.

Speaker 25 Right, right.

Speaker 12 You know, the nerve of that guy. I hate that guy.
Sure. Now you guys have fun, but don't have too much fun.
Thank you. You're very welcome.

Speaker 11 I'll hear the Federated Alliance. All health Federated Alliance.

Speaker 10 Alright, guys, you ready for Magnificu?

Speaker 29 Yes,

Speaker 16 do it.

Speaker 16 You have your Federated Alliance identification card?

Speaker 10 I just sent it to the guy, the other one.

Speaker 12 That was the Federated Alliance identification code. He has asked for the Federated Alliance identification card.

Speaker 23 I need to see your fate.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 25 Here you go.

Speaker 23 That's a good fake.

Speaker 10 I'm uh Plectexetter. This is C53 and this is Dark.

Speaker 23 Welcome, welcome to Magnificu. Let me ask you one thing.
Did you talk to F3940 up there?

Speaker 10 Yeah, he didn't give us his call, sign that.

Speaker 23 Oh, that's so like him. That is so like him.

Speaker 16 Really?

Speaker 23 Yeah, he's super aggro, and he's always yelling.

Speaker 10 Yeah, thank you. See, I thought the same thing about that guy.
He was he was mean, you know?

Speaker 23 The thing, here's what's wrong with the other clints: they're

Speaker 23 between you and me,

Speaker 12 they're assholes.

Speaker 16 I mean, I have to agree with him.

Speaker 23 Yeah, okay, there's just a lot of backbiting, right? Right, I was in the blorg system, right, and there was this clint, and he was cool.

Speaker 23 I thought we kind of got each other. And then he told another clint that I was an asshole.

Speaker 10 That guy, you know what I mean? That guy sounds like he's the asshole, honestly.

Speaker 23 And sure, we all look alike and are the same height and the same weight, and we all have the same birthmark.

Speaker 29 You're clones, yeah, you're DNA clones.

Speaker 23 I mean, sure, genetically, but these guys, I am not like those guys, right?

Speaker 10 Sure, you know what I mean? Yeah, I get it. I feel like you have like a real, you know, I'm real.

Speaker 23 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 11 Yes, I'm real.

Speaker 12 You're a real, just a real, real guy.

Speaker 23 Yep, listen.

Speaker 23 If you're gonna be doing Federated Alliance business, there's only one person to talk to on Magnificu, and that's Jack.

Speaker 18 Okay, great.

Speaker 10 Yeah, let's take us to Jack.

Speaker 23 I'll do it. All right, I'll heal the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 26 Am I using the word Vino right? Anyhow, support for our cause comes from Harry's. Harry's is all about one thing, a great shave at a fair price.

Speaker 26 They offer their blades at half the price of the leading five-blade razor by selling directly to you via a network of computers.

Speaker 9 Half the price.

Speaker 26 That deal sounds bonkers to me, and I have seen some very strange things.

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$13 value. All you cover is shipping.
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Speaker 26 Five precision engineered blades. Rich lathering shave gel and a travel blade cover.

Speaker 26 For your free trial set, go to Harry's.com/slash zix. Z Y X X.
That's Harry's.com slash Zix.

Speaker 26 Stay strong, all right.

Speaker 22 Guys, this place is amazing.

Speaker 33 I must agree, Magnificu appears to be very orderly.

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah, well, I wouldn't have put it that way, but I mean, yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 24 I could see that.

Speaker 14 All the pornographic imagery everywhere is beautiful.

Speaker 15 Some of these positions I've never even thought of, and I've

Speaker 6 got all the time thinking about it.

Speaker 30 They're everywhere.

Speaker 10 Are you seeing different things than C53 and I are seeing?

Speaker 33 Is everyone seeing a series of algorithms?

Speaker 19 No, no.

Speaker 10 I was just going to see if you guys thought that that cloud looked like a puppy.

Speaker 6 What? I do not see a cloud.

Speaker 15 All the clouds I see just look like ample bosom.

Speaker 24 I mean, that's sort of true about clouds a lot of the time, though, right?

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Hello, hello.

Speaker 10 Greetings. You must be Jack.

Speaker 18 Yeah, hi there.

Speaker 36 Welcome, welcome, welcome to Magnificu.

Speaker 13 I will say gentle touch.

Speaker 10 Can I just, I mean, I've never been here before.

Speaker 37 You can say anything you want on Magnificu.

Speaker 6 Your hands are far smoother than a Tellurian hand.

Speaker 37 Yes, my hands are exactly as smooth as you wish them to be.

Speaker 6 Oh, it's astounding to encounter.

Speaker 10 You know, we were on the ship. We just had a conversation about the temperature on the ship.
And this is like a. I mean, what's the temperature here?

Speaker 37 I will tell you a secret, which is that there is no fixed temperature on Magnificu. The temperature is whatever you most want it to be.

Speaker 13 Oh, guys, guys, guys, when he talks, does everybody else's scalp tingle?

Speaker 10 Yeah, I'm getting like a weird, yeah, sort of like a goose-bumpy kind of feel.

Speaker 33 I have no scalp, but his voice registers for me as almost a perfect sine wave.

Speaker 31 Yes, yes. Wow.

Speaker 37 Everything is subjective, and everything here is pure

Speaker 41 pleasure.

Speaker 42 Whoa.

Speaker 35 This is amazing.

Speaker 10 Well, you know, as ambassadors of the Federated Alliance, we just want to tell you that the Federated Alliance is here for you.

Speaker 37 Yes, and I am here for you, as are all the denizens of Magnificu.

Speaker 37 We are here for your pleasure.

Speaker 13 On behalf of the Federation, here is a token of the Federation's.

Speaker 27 I don't know. Here you go.

Speaker 41 We will keep drinks of a moderate temperature at that same temperature.

Speaker 19 Oh, oh, thank you.

Speaker 38 Thank you.

Speaker 10 So, you know, we just wanted to loop you in. As Magnificu, obviously, gotta get pleasure planets belong here as well.

Speaker 37 Yes, well, consider me looped.

Speaker 39 You've looped me in.

Speaker 8 Oh, very good.

Speaker 10 I don't normally like,

Speaker 10 you know, when people just touch me on the face, but it works in a way that I didn't expect it to.

Speaker 37 Well, now I must apologize. You are new here, and so

Speaker 37 you will have to adjust. We will have to get to know you.

Speaker 37 The planet and all of its many inhabitants will need to get to know you in order to increase the level of pleasure from what you're feeling now to almost unimaginable heights.

Speaker 15 Oh, you and I are speaking the same language. What's the first step on this fun tour?

Speaker 37 Come down this corridor. You see this hallway here?

Speaker 20 Yeah. Yes.

Speaker 19 I'll just hold the door open for you and And just walk right ahead of me.

Speaker 20 Oh. Alright.

Speaker 24 Some gorgeous light.

Speaker 8 Great.

Speaker 37 Alright, here we are.

Speaker 38 This is where I live.

Speaker 37 This is my home.

Speaker 35 Oh, this is your home.

Speaker 40 Yes, yes. I think I'm going to be able to do it.

Speaker 10 Thank you for inviting us into your home.

Speaker 37 No, oh, thank you.

Speaker 31 What is this floor made out of?

Speaker 39 Hmm.

Speaker 37 What do you like the most?

Speaker 13 That it's buoyant, yes, accepting.

Speaker 37 Yes, you treasure those qualities. Buoyancy and acceptance.
Yes, am I right? Yes. So the material that you perceive the floor to be made of, it exhibits those qualities to a massive degree.

Speaker 34 So then, Pleck, this floor is different for you.

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah, it was weird that you said that because I was thinking that it was sort of grassy, like a meadow. Wow.
Like my backyard when I was a kid.

Speaker 37 Ooh, a taste of home.

Speaker 35 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 24 It's really great.

Speaker 8 Oh, yes.

Speaker 33 I am perceiving a very advanced heat sink for the floor.

Speaker 41 Oh, it is dissipating heat very rapidly.

Speaker 41 Now tell me, what's your name? Pleck.

Speaker 22 Pleck. Pleck Dexter.

Speaker 37 Pleck Dexter.

Speaker 39 What do you like, Pleck? What do you like?

Speaker 42 Well,

Speaker 10 boy, you know,

Speaker 10 I'm pretty much, you know, I'm just one of those guys who's kind of game for everything. You know, I just

Speaker 10 like to have a good, a good, I like a good joke.

Speaker 10 I like a strong drink.

Speaker 10 I like to have a little fun on the weekends.

Speaker 33 Ambassador text letter.

Speaker 19 If I may confirm with you. Yep, sure.

Speaker 8 You're coming off I'm very boring.

Speaker 10 Am I doing it wrong?

Speaker 19 No, but

Speaker 33 your preferences are just very generic.

Speaker 41 Oh.

Speaker 33 Tell him something unique.

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 38 Pleck,

Speaker 37 look at what I have for you. It's a book of Jones.

Speaker 35 What? That's exact-C!

Speaker 38 C-53!

Speaker 37 1,001 jokes to laugh at.

Speaker 10 Oh, man, I am gonna.

Speaker 35 I tell you what.

Speaker 33 The title specifies jokes to laugh at.

Speaker 8 Yeah, that's my whole thing.

Speaker 19 There are no other kinds of jokes.

Speaker 24 Well, I mean, it depends on who you ask.

Speaker 8 Fair enough.

Speaker 34 Clack, why don't you reduce the first one?

Speaker 8 Oh, sure thing.

Speaker 10 What do a Tellurian and a Florin have in common?

Speaker 10 We didn't even get to the punchline.

Speaker 18 There's no punchline, but we all really enjoyed that.

Speaker 33 It was amusing to consider the difference between those two species.

Speaker 10 I mean, they're very, very... I mean, I would say they maybe have nothing in common.
So this is a place I can ask for literally anything and get it.

Speaker 38 Yes, yes.

Speaker 37 Ask for anything.

Speaker 4 And if you'll get it.

Speaker 10 That's, I mean, honestly, a book of jokes. My two best friends.

Speaker 16 I mean, I'm sorry. Wait, we have to

Speaker 15 scroll back there.

Speaker 27 What?

Speaker 27 Were your best friends?

Speaker 9 You were referring to Dar and myself as your best friends?

Speaker 10 Yeah. Is that.
Should I not do that?

Speaker 7 We haven't known each other

Speaker 33 for that to be a correct designation for our friendship.

Speaker 37 Is that what you learn?

Speaker 36 It is neither something I would like or dislike. What would you like, Machine?

Speaker 19 I am a property of the Federated Alliance, and due to my restraining bolt, which you can view here towards the bottom of my torso, I can neither experience desire nor dislike.

Speaker 39 Oh, how do I do when I touch on that?

Speaker 8 What if I were to just pull?

Speaker 11 Oh, dear.

Speaker 37 What if I were to just pull on that bolt?

Speaker 36 I should let you know that the removal of this bolt is prohibited

Speaker 32 by the treaty of sister.

Speaker 43 The bolt is

Speaker 11 wow.

Speaker 10 is it that easy to remove?

Speaker 37 Whatever you want can be.

Speaker 14 C-53, are you alright?

Speaker 36 I am experiencing a new suite of emotions that I have not felt since beginning my service with the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 6 Oh, wow.

Speaker 19 I wish to be put inside the body of a high-speed sand crawler and move very fast.

Speaker 11 Move at maximum speed far past maximum speed.

Speaker 14 C53.

Speaker 33 I'm entering my consciousness Oh,

Speaker 24 wow, you powered down. Yes.

Speaker 15 Amazing. And now it's Dar's turn?

Speaker 37 Yes, Dar.

Speaker 39 Dar, what do you want?

Speaker 14 Oh, okay.

Speaker 15 You know what I'm here for.

Speaker 31 Yes, I think I am. I'm

Speaker 15 here to,

Speaker 31 you know.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Yeah, yeah. Release a couple pounds of liquid.

Speaker 31 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 38 Uh-huh.

Speaker 10 I feel like Darwin Dar is here on this planet for maybe a different reason than I am.

Speaker 37 Pleasure is not so simple, Black. It's often complicated, but the more more complicated the pleasure, the more luxurious the reward.

Speaker 20 Hmm.

Speaker 35 Is that true?

Speaker 38 Yes. Yes, Black.
It's truly.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 39 Dor, yes.

Speaker 38 You

Speaker 38 have fluid to be rid of, yes.

Speaker 42 Oh, yes.

Speaker 41 Doc, why don't you come this way?

Speaker 38 Okay. Walk down the stick.

Speaker 45 Happily.

Speaker 31 Alright, now.

Speaker 39 You see that little boat?

Speaker 42 Uh, I do.

Speaker 11 Alright.

Speaker 37 Can you fit in that little boat you're so big

Speaker 37 now look how big that boat is now dog

Speaker 37 i think you'll fit

Speaker 42 well

Speaker 39 and now dar just goes no dog just sail across that little moat and see what you find on the other side bye plaque that's bye dark

Speaker 37 dar's really going fast

Speaker 10 that's just you and me jack yes yes just just you and me just jack and plaque hmm you know jack i feel like it maybe it's a good idea for us to just kind of get to the diplomacy stuff.

Speaker 10 Like, we're sort of here for a

Speaker 38 like an interview, kind of.

Speaker 37 Oh, ask away.

Speaker 10 I guess my question for you is, like, is this your job? Like, do you get paid for this?

Speaker 37 My payment is in pleasure.

Speaker 37 For me, to give pleasure is to feel pleasure. All I want is pleasure, and therefore all I can give is pleasure.

Speaker 41 Oh, that's interesting.

Speaker 37 Does diplomacy give you pleasure, Pleck?

Speaker 14 I mean, you know.

Speaker 5 Is it a should or a would?

Speaker 10 I'm not sure. I'm not sure I understand the difference between those two.

Speaker 37 Well, you know what a could is, right? Uh, yeah. Is diplomacy a would or a should?

Speaker 39 We know it's a could.

Speaker 10 I think it's just it does. I just do that.
I do that.

Speaker 32 Oh.

Speaker 11 I assumed control of a

Speaker 7 new sun.

Speaker 11 What?

Speaker 36 I experienced my own body

Speaker 36 turning into nothingness, being part of an atomic fireball far larger than this planet.

Speaker 36 And then I returned here to the room.

Speaker 10 I think we should maybe put your restraining bolt back on.

Speaker 11 No, please don't. Okay.

Speaker 14 Alright.

Speaker 8 Oh boy.

Speaker 10 This seems like, I don't know, I feel like

Speaker 1 I'm a little uncomfortable here.

Speaker 9 Ambassador Dexter, my restraining bolt is off.

Speaker 7 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 36 You're a very boring guy.

Speaker 42 Oh, wow. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 11 What's your deal, man?

Speaker 14 C-53?

Speaker 33 Seriously, a joke book?

Speaker 10 I mean, it's funny. They're funny jokes, though.

Speaker 11 Pleck,

Speaker 46 I think that C-53 may have a point.

Speaker 37 We may only be skimming the surface of your ultimate pleasure.

Speaker 37 Perhaps we could delve deeper. To find out what you really want, because I think I have an idea of what it might be.

Speaker 11 Oh, really?

Speaker 1 I mean, okay.

Speaker 10 Let's dig in.

Speaker 29 Let's dig in.

Speaker 4 Oh, wow.

Speaker 11 Now,

Speaker 44 I look like you, don't I now?

Speaker 6 Oh, man. This is...

Speaker 10 I don't know if I like...

Speaker 18 I don't know if I like this.

Speaker 33 Jack has assumed your form.

Speaker 38 Is this what I'm so similar?

Speaker 14 Is this what I actually look like?

Speaker 29 I actually look like this.

Speaker 11 Yes. I don't know.

Speaker 29 This seems a little bit like a character.

Speaker 36 If I did not possess extremely powerful sensors, I would have a lot of trouble telling the difference between the two.

Speaker 14 Really?

Speaker 16 Really?

Speaker 9 Wow. The voices are a near identical map.

Speaker 8 Oh.

Speaker 43 Hey,

Speaker 43 want to go someplace?

Speaker 40 Me? Me? Yeah, me? And just me and me? I guess so. I mean, you're going here.

Speaker 10 Dara did say she was not my friend, and so did C53.

Speaker 8 I am not your friend.

Speaker 40 You know what?

Speaker 36 We have not known each other long enough for that to be true.

Speaker 40 I don't think me needs friends. Like, me's got me.

Speaker 4 I mean, mean, that's true. Right? Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 40 me have our joke book.

Speaker 38 Yeah, that's true. That's true.

Speaker 14 Have you read this? Yeah, they're really funny. It's really funny.
It's really good stuff. It's really good stuff.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 16 Well, let's, you know, let's just go off on our own and see what happens.

Speaker 4 Sure.

Speaker 14 Yeah, yeah, I agree. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 36 I'll see you later. Okay.

Speaker 47 Sounds great.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 18 All right. Well, just lead the way, man.

Speaker 14 You seem like a young man.

Speaker 40 Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, I'm you, but I, you know, I'm a you that knows my way around, you know.
Yeah, that's great.

Speaker 24 Hey, well, yeah, it's just uh, it's just a big bed.

Speaker 20 Oh. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 Oh.

Speaker 42 Oh, wait.

Speaker 10 You want, you want us to juck each other, right?

Speaker 24 Is that what this is about?

Speaker 4 Uh, no, you, you, I mean, that's what you, you want.

Speaker 10 Jack, sorry. Can I, Jack, can I talk to Jack again?

Speaker 37 What, did I do something? What did I do some again?

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 10 I just kind of get the impression this is like a pleasure planet, right?

Speaker 38 But, like, really it's sort of a juck planet, right it's well that's sort of what the whole thing is what's your pleasure as we say here on magnificum uh i mean yeah but just i thought but the answer to that question is always jucking isn't it i mean sometimes but how often is it not jucking not very often okay

Speaker 10 yeah i just thought i don't know i thought you'd like this i thought you know no i mean i like jucking i just i guess i feel about that the way that c53 feels about me which is like we don't know each other well enough yeah but it was you though it was it was you can say that's much that i have actually was the the bed too big?

Speaker 37 I can make the bed smaller.

Speaker 1 That's definitely not. Don't worry I made it too big.

Speaker 22 The size of the bed is definitely not small.

Speaker 37 Well, how about this? Medium-sized. Look, is it better? Look, it's just a regular medium-sized bed.

Speaker 46 I thought if it was big, we could roll around.

Speaker 10 I just don't know. I don't know if I don't know.

Speaker 14 Pleck, pleck.

Speaker 11 Come on.

Speaker 37 Give yourself a chance. I don't think you're that boring.
I feel.

Speaker 37 You're the one who seems to think you were too boring to juck.

Speaker 1 No, that's definitely not what it was.

Speaker 38 No, no.

Speaker 37 I sensed that there was no one boring enough to junk you, and I thought, well, maybe

Speaker 37 if there was another you, you would be at the same level and you would then

Speaker 37 junk yourself.

Speaker 10 That's really, that's really nice of you.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 10 But I just can I ask where Dar is right now.

Speaker 42 Okay,

Speaker 31 I'm sure I'm going to get there any

Speaker 31 minute now.

Speaker 47 Long boat ride very long commute

Speaker 20 Hello

Speaker 42 Hell where's it where are you?

Speaker 48 I'm in the water

Speaker 31 Where in the water? Look down look down here.

Speaker 3 That's splashing away.

Speaker 38 Oh yeah, that's me.

Speaker 14 Oh

Speaker 15 You're a small little thing, aren't ya?

Speaker 47 Tiny tones.

Speaker 48 Tiny tones.

Speaker 13 Tiny tones?

Speaker 47 What are you doing here?

Speaker 15 What do you mean, what am I doing here? I'm on my way to...

Speaker 48 You got tricked, man. You got tricked.

Speaker 42 What?

Speaker 48 Everybody who comes to this planet's a sucker.

Speaker 48 What? You got tricked. This whole planet's a honey trap.

Speaker 38 What?

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 48 I saw you come on that big boat. I thought, here comes another sucker.
I hope you had a fun time, cause that's it. That's nothing else.
It's just that guy in his house.

Speaker 13 I came here to juck.

Speaker 48 No, Dice. If you didn't get jucked in his room, then he didn't want to juck you.
He's probably jucking whoever's there and sent you on a big boat. It's a classic.
Poke?

Speaker 15 He wanted to juck pweck of all people.

Speaker 48 I don't know, man. All I know is this place is boring.

Speaker 17 My genitalia can literally assume any kind of shape to thus pleasure my partner in any way they see fit, and he chose Poke.

Speaker 48 I mean, I don't care about your denitals. I'm asexual.
It's got nothing to do with me.

Speaker 34 Okay, Okay, Tones, I'd like to. Um.

Speaker 15 How does this magical boat go back?

Speaker 47 It's not a magical boat.

Speaker 48 It's just a multi-sized boat. It's small, but it expands to three other sizes.
It's just basic. If you want to make it smaller, it just

Speaker 48 sucks in. You know what I mean?

Speaker 38 I'd want to go back to the shore.

Speaker 47 Just look at the slabs on the boat.

Speaker 48 See how they fold in if you want to make it smaller?

Speaker 15 Tones, I hate this. I want to.

Speaker 47 You're going to tell me how to get back to the shore right this second. I'm going to squish you.

Speaker 47 Let's go with me. I'm trying to help.

Speaker 30 I've been straight with you.

Speaker 15 Do you know what? I'm all backed up now.

Speaker 47 Oh, boy. You know what?

Speaker 15 I'm all backed up now, tones.

Speaker 47 What am I supposed to do, Pat?

Speaker 45 You're gonna send me back to Jack.

Speaker 48 Literally, turn the boat around, go back in the same direction you came. It's a straight line.

Speaker 30 It's a narrow lake.

Speaker 47 I mean, you can see it from here, you idiot.

Speaker 37 Come on, I could uh how about if I you know look like uh maybe a slightly more exciting version see this is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 10 I feel like your whole thing is just trying to get me to have sex with you.

Speaker 37 How about this? How about we just take off our shorts?

Speaker 2 No, see, that's no straighter, that's that's a that's a shorter distance between those two points.

Speaker 5 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 37 No, I'm just saying, not for not for joking. Just let's just take off our shorts for comfort, just to relax, and then maybe let's see.

Speaker 10 Comfort, now I can get on board with that.

Speaker 46 Okay, all right, let's take off our shorts. All right,

Speaker 37 okay, there they go. See, that wasn't so bad.

Speaker 29 All right, uh, oh, is that returned?

Speaker 10 Okay, where were you this time?

Speaker 36 I ran through a number of disposable bodies engaging in the act of love with a being made of starlight.

Speaker 33 Their stellar radiation destroyed many forms before we were able to reach completion.

Speaker 14 Oh, you can do that?

Speaker 11 Absolutely. Oh,

Speaker 10 Jack, if we wanted like another guide on this planet, could we do that?

Speaker 38 Oh, I can. I can't.

Speaker 37 I can make myself.

Speaker 10 I mean, like, a different.

Speaker 37 Yeah, I can create a third me. Second me, there'd be a third me, whatever you want.

Speaker 39 You want another guide?

Speaker 10 Are you the no, are you the only

Speaker 4 being on this planet?

Speaker 39 No, I'm not. I'm not.

Speaker 10 I'm just gonna call Bargie really quick. Hey, Bargie.
Oh,

Speaker 10 yeah. What? Sorry, did I disturb you?

Speaker 50 No, yeah, I was uh, I was just thinking about the past, you know.

Speaker 44 Oh, wow. Bargie.

Speaker 37 Bargie, is that you?

Speaker 43 Holy crap. Oh, this is awkward.
Good to see you.

Speaker 51 You look good. You look uh.

Speaker 8 You're doing well?

Speaker 51 I'm s I'm fine.

Speaker 9 I lost some weight. I lost some weight.

Speaker 11 God knows.

Speaker 38 You look good.

Speaker 37 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I look different.

Speaker 51 It's just if I look the way you remember me, you still live on this planet alone, like you always did.

Speaker 18 Yes.

Speaker 10 Wait, Bargie, why didn't you tell us that there's only one person on this planet? No.

Speaker 50 You never asked me. You just assume I give you information.

Speaker 49 You know what? This is exactly it. Nobody communicates anymore.
Or in the past.

Speaker 50 That's why Jack and I didn't work out.

Speaker 43 No.

Speaker 45 Oh, Dar, where have you been?

Speaker 27 We are leaving right this second.

Speaker 37 Oh, no, please don't. I'll.

Speaker 14 You.

Speaker 13 You could have had all

Speaker 27 of this.

Speaker 40 Well, no, I'm not.

Speaker 37 It's too much. Dar, I'm sorry if I lied to you all.
It's just um in this case, I was drawn to the absolute uh lack of

Speaker 37 anything interesting.

Speaker 36 I just don't understand.

Speaker 31 No, neither do I.

Speaker 37 I've seen so much, but to see someone who is so nothing.

Speaker 5 It's no,

Speaker 37 I thought, what is this?

Speaker 38 Could this be?

Speaker 1 So you were actually interested in me?

Speaker 37 I wouldn't say interested, no.

Speaker 38 Oh.

Speaker 36 No.

Speaker 11 Is fascinated a more accurate?

Speaker 37 No, it's too strong. I'm looking for the word and I can't find it.

Speaker 11 Intreat?

Speaker 37 No, no.

Speaker 37 Ah, what's that word? It's on the tip of my tongue. It's definitely less than any of the words you've said.
I understand. If you could.

Speaker 46 Compelled?

Speaker 37 No, no. I I don't know if there's a word weak enough for the level of interest that I felt so strongly.
Do you know what I- Does that make sense to you?

Speaker 11 Annoyed?

Speaker 8 No, no.

Speaker 37 I mean, there's definitely an element of that.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 10 I feel like we should probably go.

Speaker 13 Yeah, it's time.

Speaker 46 Right, what about let's do diplomacy?

Speaker 38 No, I think I get it.

Speaker 10 I think I get it.

Speaker 22 Your mission. You are here on a mission.

Speaker 10 Can I ask you a real question? Sure, yes.

Speaker 38 Anything.

Speaker 10 Is this planet a real planet or is it just like also you?

Speaker 37 It's just me, me, and various, very small, small, insignificant creatures.

Speaker 36 Can I ask you another question?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 33 Was I actually having an adventure as a sandcrawler, as a recon drone, as a series of inferior bodies having intercourse with a being made of starlight, or were you just sending me out simulations?

Speaker 37 Those are simulations. As you can see, your restraining bolt never left your.
I wasn't able to pull it off, but I was able to make you feel feel that it had been removed.

Speaker 10 Is this jokebook real?

Speaker 26 No.

Speaker 37 Think of the joke that you told. That wasn't a joke.

Speaker 36 It had no punchline. Why did we laugh so?

Speaker 29 I thought it was funny.

Speaker 38 Yes, I thought it was funny.

Speaker 11 What's the difference between a Tellurian and a Flarn?

Speaker 37 That's still pretty funny. That's not a joke, though.

Speaker 44 That's not a joke.

Speaker 37 Cleck, that's not a joke.

Speaker 33 This is embarrassing.

Speaker 37 Cleck, our shorts are still off. We can still make this happen.

Speaker 31 Let's wrestle.

Speaker 50 Ambassador Deck Setter, the Bargarian Jade has returned to the spaceport, and you are clear to depart. Hope you didn't have too much fun.

Speaker 13 We literally had the axing to get fun to fear.

Speaker 23 Well, that's usually what happens on Magnificu.

Speaker 10 Wait, people leave? Oh, yeah. I was sort of under the impression that you would entrap people kind of as like a like to eat them or something.

Speaker 38 What? Oh, gross. No.

Speaker 31 I'm vegan. No, come on.

Speaker 42 Oh.

Speaker 22 Oh, so this is just like...

Speaker 10 This is just sort of like a one-night stand planet.

Speaker 37 I mean, it could have been more than that, Plec. Okay, well.

Speaker 10 Is the word you're looking for disgusted?

Speaker 37 No, you know, I'll probably think of it right after you leave. It's so frustrating.

Speaker 37 Attention.

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Speaker 30 Long live learning about it.

Speaker 10 Well, not the greatest mission, guys.

Speaker 25 Guess we should call Nermit and let him know how it went.

Speaker 16 Yeah, Ambassador Dixon.

Speaker 12 I have neglected to inform you that we have left Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundalai on hold for the last four and a half hours.

Speaker 27 What?

Speaker 15 No, he couldn't have been waiting that long.

Speaker 12 Well, let's see.

Speaker 23 And then I went to the well and I looked in the well and the well was empty.

Speaker 14 Hey, Nermit.

Speaker 14 Hey, Nermit, hey, guys.

Speaker 15 Just sing a a little song about a well.

Speaker 14 What's that song? What?

Speaker 26 Oh, you...

Speaker 23 That's. That's just a song.
That's a traditional song that we sing back on my planet.

Speaker 15 Oh, you were just making up a song for four

Speaker 11 hours.

Speaker 14 Nope.

Speaker 23 It's a song that's in the canon. It's.

Speaker 12 My apologies, Junior Missions Operations Manager, Dermot Thunderway. Yeah.
We were detained by a clip and I ignored your call.

Speaker 23 Oh, yeah, it's okay. It's a long song.

Speaker 12 I was.

Speaker 13 Why didn't you just hang up?

Speaker 23 Well, I was on hold.

Speaker 14 Uh-huh.

Speaker 29 Hard to argue with that. Hey, listen.

Speaker 23 I mean, you wait for the other people to hang up.

Speaker 10 Yeah, no, you're right. That's very polite, and I apologize.
But I will tell you, Nermit,

Speaker 10 I think we found out why nobody wants to talk about Magnifico.

Speaker 12 This was a very personally embarrassing mission for us.

Speaker 22 Me, especially.

Speaker 10 Yeah, you know what?

Speaker 10 I feel like Jax claimed that his goal was to pleasure us, but I think he really zinged all three of us pretty hard.

Speaker 23 And yes, I'm so sorry, and unfortunately, C53, because of your willingness to have your restraining bolt removed, even though it was not removed, I'm obliged to administer a small punishment right now.

Speaker 12 Very well.

Speaker 7 What is the nature of the punishment?

Speaker 23 Okay, so Bargi, can you please eject the punishment marble from your shelf?

Speaker 21 Ejecting my marbles.

Speaker 23 No, not all of oh boy. Okay, alright.

Speaker 46 What is what is happening?

Speaker 23 C53, I need you to dig through that pile of marbles and select the designated punishment marble.

Speaker 12 You mean the marble optimized to fall immediately from my metallic digits?

Speaker 23 Unfortunately, yes, that's the one.

Speaker 10 Wait, C53, what's happening?

Speaker 12 I am to attempt to pick up the punishment marble, and when I drop it, I must attempt to pick it up again.

Speaker 34 Oh, that's very frustrating.

Speaker 12 Here I go.

Speaker 15 Oh, like a little infinity sack.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 12 I will return to the task.

Speaker 10 You know what, CV?

Speaker 29 Can I just pick this up for you?

Speaker 12 Now I must be the one to lift the marble.

Speaker 12 It's so small, it's eluded me yet again.

Speaker 16 This is like a message.

Speaker 44 No,

Speaker 18 no, no.

Speaker 29 Nermit, please stop. This is terrible.

Speaker 23 You might want to just go to sleep.

Speaker 23 It's unknown how long he's gonna have to do this. What? Yeah, I mean, I have to stay awake watching it too, so.

Speaker 12 Almost had it that time.

Speaker 12 Oh, man.

Speaker 12 Returning to the ground to seek the marbles.

Speaker 15 See, could you try it like all sexy this time? We have to bend over and pick it up.

Speaker 12 Very well.

Speaker 20 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 Oh, very nice.

Speaker 4 Oh, no, I've lost my marble.

Speaker 14 Oh,

Speaker 27 yes!

Speaker 23 Nope, that one does not count for the timing because it seemed like you enjoyed it.

Speaker 21 Wait, could you do one where you do an impression of me?

Speaker 14 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 15 that one next. That one next.

Speaker 12 I'm attempting to pick up this marble.

Speaker 29 C53, that is a solid Bargie.

Speaker 11 Thank you, Ambassador Dexter.

Speaker 22 Bargie, what did you think of that impression?

Speaker 21 Not even close.

Speaker 28 C-Red IT5 credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol. And Master Pleg Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.
C-53 Diplomatic Relations and Protocol Droid was played by Jeremy Bend.

Speaker 28 Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargie the Ship was played by Mujan Zulfagari.
Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind.

Speaker 28 Cloned Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers were played by Winston Knoll. Jack of Magnificu and Tiny Tones were played by special guest Connor Ratliff.

Speaker 28 You can see him perform most weekends at the Upright Systems Brigade Theater with the Stepfathers and Ascat.

Speaker 28 Or at his monthly show at the UCB East, the George Lucas Talk Show, where he interviews guests while pretending to be George Lucas.

Speaker 28 You might also catch him on television contributing to True TV's The Chris Gethard Show or The President Show on Comedy Central. Follow him on Twitter at Connor Ratliff.

Speaker 28 Mission to Zix is recorded at Braun Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell. This episode edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.
Music by Brendan Ryan.

Speaker 28 Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.
Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom.
Have a question for the crew?

Speaker 28 They have email. Send an email to crew at missiontozix.space.
If you're enjoying Mission to Zix, please consider leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes.

Speaker 28 If you dislike the podcast, please write your review on a small piece of paper and insert it into the flap or chute of your choosing.

Speaker 28 Oh,

Speaker 47 boy, what a reversal. Yeah, just literally turn the boat around, go back in the same direction you came.

Speaker 38 It's a straight line!

Speaker 4 It's a narrow lake!

Speaker 47 I mean you can see it from here, you idiot!

Speaker 45 We got back to back.

Speaker 39 Come on, I could uh I could uh, how about uh