102: Nermie, I Shrunk the Crew [ft. Sasheer Zamata]

The period of civil war has ended.

The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance.

Now, Ambassador Pleck Deck Setter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mishman.

Hey, Dar.

Yeah, what's up?

Um,

can I ask you, like, a personal question?

No.

Okay.

Hey, C53?

Yes.

What species is Dar?

Ambassador.

Dick Sitter, I believe you just asked Dar whether you could ask her a personal question.

And she responded in the negative.

Okay, that's...

Yep.

I would feel I was invading her privacy to remember.

Okay, no, we don't need to talk.

I get that now.

We don't need to talk.

I was just curious.

Hey, Bargie?

No.

No, I'm not gonna.

I would not.

I get it.

I get it.

We're not.

I'm.

But were you about to ask?

That's irrelevant at the time.

No.

Were you about to go over my head and ask a second person what species I am?

No, I just...

You're a fascinating creature.

You're, like, huge.

You're covered in, like, these furry scales.

I just...

I...

I just can't imagine a planet full of you.

That would be crazy.

Crazy?

No, like, awesome.

I mean, maybe it's just because I shot you and you're totally fine now, but I don't know.

I just.

It's very impressive.

You could also shoot me and I would be fine.

Am I also crazy?

I know.

I didn't mean to shoot Dart.

You could shoot me if you wanted to.

Okay.

I appreciate that.

You're welcome.

You're very fast and loose with your body.

This body is merely a frame.

One of many I have existed in over the course of my time here in the galaxy.

wait you don't associate your your

identity with your body absolutely not my consciousness is seated here this glowing cube contains my consciousness but the the body that you're in is like not you

no I am the cube

now that now you're more than just a cube

I'm actually not okay well yeah but you're also like we have a relationship that makes you exist outside of that cube like I have I have an image of who you are in my head right now

That does not impact my cube.

Okay, yeah, but it does.

Like, when you die,

you know, they always say, like, when you die, two deaths, right?

Like, you die

when your bodily functions stop, and then you die when the last

person, your name is spoken for the last time.

I could create a subroutine that would continue my name being spoken until the end of the galaxy.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Yeah.

Let's all do that.

I'm loading subroutine now.

Put my name in there.

Very well.

Thank you.

Your name and mine will be echoed until the end of the Federated Alliance.

This is great.

Ambassador Dixon, we have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundle.

Hey, Nermit.

Hello.

Wow, is that a new shirt?

Thanks for noticing.

I like it.

They issued these to some of the people in the department.

It's actually to indicate um that I've had five demerits, but I luckily it's a nice shirt.

Does your species like traditionally wear clothes?

Um yes.

What kind of question is that?

We're not we're not a planet of nudists.

I'm a nudist.

Right, it's very rare for ships to wear clothing.

It tends to burn.

Back in the day, I used to wear the shortest skirts.

Oh, you had a skirt.

You had a skirt?

And the cutest little tiny, tiny tops.

I am projecting some old pictures of Bargie.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

I like it being around the engines like that.

Yeah, they used to call me Double D Bargie.

What did the D stand for?

Diesel.

Oh.

And disease.

And disease was the other D?

Diesel and disease.

These pictures are very popular on certain silge websites.

What does silge stand for?

I'm afraid it is not safe for work.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Mermid Bundelai, am I allowed to continue?

It's a request for information.

It's within your protocol.

Ships, I'd like to jump.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

That would not have been authorized if I knew it asked.

Bargie, when you would leave atmospheres, would the clothing burn up?

They were painted on.

Oh, okay.

That makes

way more sense.

Of course, each time I would go through atmospheres, the paint would come off.

So what you did ask me is true.

Similar problems.

would be paintless, and uh it's caused a lot of decay.

Ah, and I have to get surgery upon surgery upon surgery.

The uh skin you see now, not skin.

How do you say?

Oh, she's right.

It's not mine, it's synthetic.

It was not synthetic before?

No,

that was original hope.

Yeah, right.

It's a right I remote and biology about it.

Oh, very well.

Now, Nermi, on this next mission,

how many demerits do we need to earn to make you lose that shirt?

Oh, boy.

I mean, I think that's just five more.

But we're all in this together,

and let's go get them.

Who are we going to get?

Well, it's actually pretty exciting.

You are going to the forest moon of Grinland.

Now, this is a location that has been giving off life readings, but so far, the Federated Alliance has not been able to locate the actual life forms on this moon.

However, very exciting development.

The Alliance has intercepted a signal from Grinlin requesting a visit by Alliance ambassadors.

So, this is great.

Welcomed with open arms.

We can figure out if there are valuable resources there.

It's a beautiful, verdant, kind of almost magical place, and I think we scored on this one.

Projecting images of the surface.

Yep, check that out.

Yeah, wow, it's gorgeous and sort of adorable.

Lush.

Well, let's give it a shot.

Bargie, let's head in.

All right.

Do to do.

Hello.

Hello, is anyone out there?

This is Rebel Leader Rolfus Tittle with a critical announcement.

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You will love your undies or get your money back.

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I can't imagine what they're spending to ship these beauties to the Zig Squadron.

Anyway,

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Go to meundies.com/slash zigs, Z-Y-X-X for that special offer.

That's meundies.com/slash Ziggs.

AC-53, I don't see who we're supposed to be meeting here.

It's just a bunch of bugs and plants.

I'm told there is a delegation away.

Whoa, that was the where where was that coming from?

Did that it was me?

Hi.

Oh, I'm Shitana.

Uh

I I literally can't see you.

Ambassador Dexter,

I've engaged my my magnification.

Uh the people of this world are very small.

Oh, okay.

Well, uh.

No, you're too big.

Oh, wow, okay.

You're way too big.

I mean, yes,

I am.

Dar is big.

Dar is big.

I can say that.

You can't say that.

Okay, well, sorry.

Ambassador Dexter, allow me to project Shitena.

Oh.

Oh, hey, wow.

I like your wings.

Thank you.

I just got them done.

Really?

Yes, I got them fluffed and bedazzled.

That's really, that's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

It's because it's my wedding day.

You're getting married today.

I'm getting married today.

Wow, congratulations.

Thank you for we invited you.

Oh, it's very kind of you to allow us to join you for your wedding day.

Well, it's actually because one of you is supposed to be my husband.

One of the three of us?

Yeah.

Well,

um,

let me just take myself out of the running first.

Why?

I would love to know what it was like, believe me.

But I would, Squishy, turn you to dust.

You don't have to worry about that because we have this machine that can shrink you.

So you can be as big as me.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I'm pretty big.

I'm a princess.

Oh, that's...

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, that's what...

That's why the horn went off.

Oh, right.

I remember that.

Of course.

I am a princess.

Congratulations.

Well, I mean,

I didn't do anything for it.

I was just born.

Oh.

My dad's a king, and

my mom's a queen.

Well, you say you can shrink us down.

Should we do that?

Would that be easier for us to talk?

Yes, please.

Let's do it.

I mean, C-53 is that.

How does that work on your circuits and stuff?

I think that's fine.

Everyone usually stays okay.

Your inside should be the same.

Usually.

We have some slip-ups, yeah.

But could you define a slip-up?

Death.

Some people have died.

Oh, well, that would be a slip-up.

Wow.

Yeah.

I cannot die.

So perhaps I should go first.

Sure.

Alright, I'll just get this lazy, and I'll point it at you.

And yes!

C-53.

Where did he go?

Are you small?

Can you not see me?

Uh, no, I.

I'm down here.

Okay.

I've been here.

Yeah, that's not really helping.

Woo!

Oh, yeah.

It's like a little blowworm.

Oh, man.

Do me next.

One, two, three.

Oh!

Hey,

there you guys are.

You've disfigured him horribly.

Oh, my hands and my legs are so tiny.

My head is so huge.

I'm adorable.

When you make me big again, can I just be a bigger version of this?

We'll see.

Here's hoping.

Great.

All right, now your turn is Dar.

Okay.

One, two, three.

Oh.

Wow.

Look how teeny, tiny baby I am.

Oh, you're smaller.

Yeah, Dar, you're about the size that I was before I got shrunk down.

Look at me.

I'm so cute.

Dar, please.

Watch your mother.

You're gonna crush us if you keep it.

But I wanna shake my teeny tiny little fanny.

Okay.

Is that what you think I'd like small and cute?

Yeah.

But look at me now, though.

My head's so big.

My head's like half the size of my body.

You look like one of those toys you get from a machine.

Right.

Okay.

You look like royalty.

Thank you.

Wink, wink.

Oh, oh, see?

Good, it's happening.

Shatina, perhaps you should show us your village.

Sure.

Um, if you walk this way.

Okay.

look to the left, you'll see a waterfall.

Me too.

That's where we do our baths,

which are very graceful.

We make a whole thing about it.

We have choreography, we actually kind of rehearse our baths.

Really?

Really?

Yeah.

There's a lot of lore around us being fun and flirty while we're taking baths.

May I say this is a very adorable planet?

Yeah.

Though you may not, but it is so cute.

Everything's so miniature.

No, It's normal size.

You're too big.

Alright, fair enough.

But the color palette is very bright and pleasing.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah.

Many Tulurian babies have bedrooms painted in these colors.

Yeah, yeah.

This sort of looks like my bedroom, actually, this place.

You mean your baby bedroom, not your...

Yeah, well, you know, I mean, it's like you get used to something and then as you get older,

you're still living in a baby bedroom.

Yeah.

Hmm.

What what do you make?

Do you guys do you guys export anything, import anything?

No, we're pretty self-sufficient.

It's kind of like a trade community.

So you have to use your skills and then you trade.

Shotata, what is your trade that you offer?

Kisses.

Oh,

I think that's pretty cute.

Oh my goodness.

Do you feel like we're fixating on the cute thing?

It just feels patronizing.

We take ourselves very seriously, but everyone who comes here thinks we're so cute.

But your job is kisses.

And you have the dazzle and wings.

Yeah, well, but you're shiny.

I'm very shiny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's that's pretty cute.

Oh, thank you.

In addition to kisses, what other uh what other things do you make here?

Well, we make wishes

and dreams and hope.

Can you barter one for the other?

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

You might trade a wish for a dream.

Exactly.

How many wishes can you get for a dream?

42 wishes for one dream.

One dream?

Pretty powerful currency.

Yeah, see, on my plan, I think wishes would be more.

You think so?

Yeah, because with the...

Well, think how easy it is to make a wish.

Anyone can make a wish.

But you have to really focus if you want to have a drink.

So the wishes don't come true.

They're just wishes.

Oh, exactly.

You can have as many wishes as you want.

They may not happen.

Yeah, you've got to focus everyone.

That makes sense.

Do you guys sell wishes that do come true?

Yeah, but that's a lot of money.

Yeah, that

makes sense.

Fair enough.

This is a really pleasing place to be.

Yeah, Black, it sounds like you're starting to like your new home.

Yeah.

I mean, see if you

would it be like I could probably couldn't marry someone on this planet.

Absolutely you could marry someone on this planet.

Oh, as a team of ambassadors, we are required to do many diplomatic functions that, well, perhaps unusual, might be necessary to secure footholds into certain worlds.

so certainly you could marry Princess Shotena.

Huh.

I just.

And if you look to the right, that's where we have our horses that we ride to, like, fight battles and

can I ride one?

Oh, no, no, no, you're too big.

Yeah, Dar, you are really much, much larger than that.

Darn, look at your own hand.

You could pick up one of the horses.

Can I pick up one of the horses?

No, please don't.

You'll scare them.

Oh,

put this horse down.

But it's so cute.

Those chuckles.

That's my horse.

Just take a deep breath, chickle.

There, there.

This chuckles all right.

Yeah, no, no, she's fine.

We should just keep moving on this tour.

We should just keep this tour moving.

Chuckles!

Oh, Fanny, on your wedding day.

Oh, my body dude!

I can't believe this.

Darlis, you have to understand, this is so rare.

Pleck is the one who usually messes things up.

And now that I'm Pleck's size, I'm the one messing stuff up.

Do you think that's what it is?

I'm the wrong size?

I mean, also, it's your personality.

I'm sorry, it's just that everything is so cute, and I just look cute.

You're so cute.

It's normal.

It's normal to me.

You're the one who's a...

You're weird.

All of you.

Freaks of nature.

I'm your size now.

Yeah, but you have a big head and tiny hands.

In Princess Shatina's defense, you are very strangely proportioned right now.

Your head is at least a third of the mass of your body.

C53, we've seen creatures with thousands of eyes with

just nod in agreement.

Face down in the dirt.

My daughter.

Oh, Dad.

Are these the people who will become your groom groom today?

Well, I thought so, but I hate them.

What?

They're so awful.

They killed my horse.

We did kill them.

Accidentally.

Chuckles.

The horse that when we gave birth to you, we also gave birth to Chuckles.

Yes!

Christmas horse!

Let's click back there for a second.

You birth

a girl, but also a horse?

Yes, every other thing that we birth is a horse.

Is that sick to you?

It's not sick, it's just unexpected.

But you know the law.

If you're a princess, you must marry someone outside of the land.

So, who did you have to marry?

I married a Flagurian.

That's a lot of spikes.

Yeah.

She has a great personality.

Very funny.

Stand-up comedian.

She's very.

You should see her.

She's playing at the Laugh Hulk next week.

She makes fun of me all the time.

I'm like, please don't use me in your material.

And she doesn't listen.

She makes me look foolish.

And I'm not.

I'm just normal.

I'm a normal teenage fairy.

You seem normal to me.

Your proportions are totally regular.

Your proportions are totally regular?

Well, I mean, as opposed to me, who is...

You might marry Shitena.

Well, but yeah, you were making fun of the size of my head.

I'm just saying you're far outside the parameters I normally associate with a Tellurian.

It's very upsetting to think about.

Seriously, does your neck hurt?

It doesn't hurt at all.

These can't be the only choices.

I don't want to marry any of these people.

I want to marry Juno.

Dead!

Juno is a horse!

But I love him!

You cannot marry Juno!

Juno!

Oh, Juno, I love you!

I understand you have a connection.

I know.

I wanted to marry Pliploop, okay?

Pliploop was the love of my life, but I could not.

I had to settle for your mother, and you will have to settle for one of these unless somebody else appears in the next five minutes.

I feel like a lot happened.

Yeah, look, we got into the

we

Juno's getting upset.

We got into the middle of like a dispute here.

I have to go deal with the guests, okay?

You figure this out.

Um, Princess Shatina, we are very sorry for you.

Juno, Dad!

Ambassador Dexter,

do not look Juno directly in the eyes.

Listen, Juno, I mean you no harm.

You don't have to worry, Juno.

You're more man than any of them.

Whoa,

you two use a lot of tongue when you're affectionate.

Especially Juno.

Yeah.

Wow.

So,

Princess Sheta, sorry to interrupt.

I guess I'm a little confused.

Is your dad angry with you because Juno is not from off-world or because Juno is a horse?

Would you be allowed to marry an off-world horse?

I never even thought of that.

But I wouldn't.

I love Juno.

But what if we made Juno look like an off-world horse?

Can you do that?

If we enlarge him?

We can give it a try.

Sure.

Is there a language barrier with Juno?

Do you feel like you can't really communicate?

No, we communicate just fine.

You can understand what those grunts mean?

Yeah.

Here we go, Juno.

You ready?

One, two, three.

Oh!

That's an incredibly large, bedazzled horse.

I must say, he wouldn't present well as an off-world horse, but would your father be fooled?

I hope so.

Don't you think your father might be a little suspicious when Juno is just sort of not around?

Oh, I'll say that Dar killed him.

Excellent defense.

Dar has already killed one horse.

We don't know that.

We don't know that Chuckles is dead.

We know.

Okay.

You know.

You're taking it very well.

I don't know how it works on this planet, but on Rangus 6, where I'm from, if a horse even breaks a leg, that horse is pretty much done.

Really?

Do you have any horse hospitals or doctors?

No, no.

If a horse breaks this leg, you just kill it.

It seems sick.

What happens to a Tellurian when they break their leg?

I go to the doctor.

What?

Why wouldn't you treat them the same?

I mean, I'm not a horse doctor, so I don't know, but I'm just saying.

So now you're saying there are horse doctors.

No.

You still kill the horses.

Very nice, pluck.

These are evil doctors.

What about the Tellurian mothers who birthed those horses?

Oh, that's so.

See, that's the confusion.

That's not how it works on Rangus 6.

How does it work?

Horses are just, they just have other horses.

Horses give birth to other horses and no Tellurian.

No.

Also, you can mate with any horse you want.

No.

There's no rules, right?

Because you're not at risk of sleeping with your brother or sister.

That would be impossible.

Yeah, that would be impossible.

It's sort of frowned upon on Rangus 6, but not for that reason.

It's a different.

Why is it frowned upon?

It's just not a lot of interspecies hookups on Rangus 6.

Sounds like sort of a boring planet.

I mean, it is.

I mean, to be fair, it is.

It's a total backwater, you know.

Very close-minded.

Oh, my father's here!

Oh, the guests have arrived.

We're ready for the ceremony.

Which one did you choose?

I chose this new being,

Fruho.

That's right.

Fruho was on our ship and just he's our horse,

one of our ship horses.

There's something familiar about Fruho.

Fruho, where are you from?

Tell me your story before I give my daughter away.

Could you understand that?

Yes, of course.

Of course we could.

I don't know.

Wow.

You're perfect.

You're good.

These other three are garbage.

I was so worried.

I was about to hand her off to three pieces of garbage.

Well, that's not entirely fair.

We're really just here to do our jobs.

I have been called nurse.

Just unattractive pieces of garbage.

Now we're just

going to go blind voluntarily after the wedding because I never wanted wanted to see her with these garbage pieces of monster.

No, but you, you are a beautiful species, and I cannot wait until the public viewing of your mating happens.

Hooray!

And the public viewing of us consummating in front of the whole town.

They have to judge it to say, oh, this is beautiful lovemaking.

They should do this forever.

And if they don't like it, we both get killed.

This is a brutal society.

Seems normal to us.

Well, there's actually four other planets in the Federated Alliance in which the equality of lovemaking is judged before marriage can continue.

Really?

Most of those planets will just send you to an education course if your lovemaking is not sufficient.

As opposed to the market.

Yeah, see,

I can see that.

Yeah.

And we're pretty open-minded, so everyone's like, oh, you do your thing.

Oh, oh, okay.

So it's it's pretty rare then.

Most people are like, we're just happy, you're happy.

That's good.

The guests are here.

We're ready for the ceremony.

Um, you know, shouldn't we size Fruho down before the ceremony, or

is this not a size?

No, this is a significant thing.

I was merely suggesting it would be terrifying to have Princess Shitena engage with Fruho, a full-sized horse.

We will find a way.

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It was really nice of her to still let us come to the wedding.

Can't believe they found something for you to sit on.

Before me, I have my daughter.

And the...

What are you, Ira?

Yes.

The orse that will marry her.

I've always wanted my daughter to be with someone she loved, but we all know in this community that could never happen.

But this magnificent beast is the next best thing.

Please exchange your vows in front of everyone.

You're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny,

and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, which will be like

15 years.

Oh, they're very small, their lifespan.

This is a wedding.

Oh, very rude of you.

Oh, here come the waterworks.

Darn, are you crying?

Don't look at me right now.

Wow,

C53, what is happening?

It is a very stirring vow from Fuvo.

It's poetic, but it is not in any way false.

It is just the truth.

It is beautiful.

Man, I really wish I could understand what he was saying.

I now pronounce you bride and groom.

Wow.

I really wish she'd shrunk down that.

And now his tongue is three times her size.

Is he gonna swallow?

Oh boy.

Wow.

Oof.

I think uh

if anybody objects, now is time to speak.

What

the ceremony is still going on?

I'm pretty sure.

I'm pretty sure Shitana just got eaten.

Does that happen a lot during these ceremonies?

They are now as one.

Isn't that what a husband and wife is?

My wife is inside of me.

She would be performing via me next week.

Oh, my wife has been with me this entire time.

The husband eats the wife.

The husband eats

the wife.

Now,

maybe we should be getting back on our ship.

Yeah, should probably go.

Unless you'd like to regale us with some of your wife's stand-up comedy?

You know what?

I do.

Please put your focus on my stomach for modeling P Hauser.

I don't think you have to clap before her.

Hey!

Hey!

My daughter!

My daughter's such a

such a princess

that whenever she goes to the mall,

she comes back with a clap.

See, I makes sense.

Whew, that was...

that got dicey there, guys.

I thought

you felt like

the wrong size.

What?

Yeah.

See?

My sensors indicate that it's the right size, but it still looks wrong.

Huh.

Ambassador Deck Setter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundaloo.

Okay.

Hey, Nermit.

Hey, uh, Ambassador Deck Setter.

Um, uh, tell me the rank of missions operations manager that was allowed to authorize miniaturization.

Uh...

It's several ranks above me.

It's certainly not the level of ambassador, and you guys are shrinking and unshrinking and enlarging.

And uh, a lot of demerits are being leveled on your old junior missions operations manager.

Hopefully.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, you went to wonderful forest moon of Grenlin.

Was it nice?

I mean, not really.

It was sort of weird.

Oh, was it weird?

Was it weird to almost get married and kill some horses?

And

that was a mistake.

And honestly, we thought it was going to get really weird, but turns out getting married on Grenlin means eating your spouse.

Not jucking it.

So we were relieved, honestly.

Oh, good.

I'm glad you're relieved.

And you were presented with a princess, royalty of the planet,

with whom you could have established relations on behalf of the Federated Alliance, which would be a great thing to know.

I know.

Oh, wait,

you were presented with a wonderful opportunity that could have shown the power and oomph of this team that I run.

And

you know, you pooped the bed.

As they, whatever.

Okay.

Listen, Nermit, I'm sorry, but it is hard to take you seriously when you're not wearing a shirt.

Oh, really?

Oh, do you think you're alone in that?

It seems like no one can really take me seriously when I'm just trying to stand in line in the cafeteria and they say, where's your shirt?

You can't even put your shirt on to go to the cafeteria?

No.

Listen, listen, Nermit, listen, Nermit, you don't have to be embarrassed around us, okay?

Like,

you're not even the same species as me.

I wouldn't be embarrassed to see you without a shirt on.

In fact, Nermit, you are so fired up right now for the whole shirtless thing, talking passionate.

It's working.

It's really working.

Yeah, it's inspiring.

You know what?

I'm going to take off my shirt.

You don't have to do that.

I'll take off my shirt.

Yep.

See?

I will remove my exterior torso casing.

I mean, you guys don't have to do that.

I mean,

I'm going to take it off, too.

What does that even mean?

What are you taking off?

I am boxing thing, engine.

I don't take it.

No, don't take it off.

Don't take off.

Chuck my life.

C-Red IT5 credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol.

Ambassador Plech Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 Diplomatic Relations and Protocol Droid was played by Jeremy Bend.

Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Gokesh.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermin Bundeloy.

Juno the Horse and Fruho the Orse were all played by Seth Lind.

Margie the Ship and the King and Queen of Grenland were played by Mujan Sulfagari.

Shatina the Fairy Princess was played by special guest Sashir Zemeda.

You can see her stand-up special Pizzamind on ciso.com or follow her on Twitter at the sheer truth.

Mission to Zix is recorded at Braun Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell.

This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Cretchley.

Ship design for the Margerian Jade by Eric Goist.

Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

The official Mission to Zix website is missiontozix.space.

That's right, that's our website.

If you're enjoying Mission to Zix, please consider leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes.

If you dislike the podcast, please write your review on a small piece of paper and insert it into the flap or shoot of your choosing.

I think

if anybody objects, now is time to sit.