New York, MotoGP, Crooked Nipples | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-24-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago. Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.
30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd.

Speaker 1 Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 1 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in

Speaker 1 on you.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, I, oh my God, I fucking sw,

Speaker 1 I fucking swear to God.

Speaker 1 If one more of these motherfuckers.

Speaker 1 I just, you know something? That just took me back. That accent just took me back to forever being drinking underage

Speaker 1 in some East Boston, Chelsea. That's where we used to go.
They'd fucking serve you.

Speaker 1 And you'd just be talking to some fucking shit show chick that had a Bud Light and a cigarette in the same hand with little yellow teeth.

Speaker 1 And you're looking at her like she's got to be 37 and she was like underage too.

Speaker 1 Where the fuck are you from?

Speaker 1 Yeah, where's where's that?

Speaker 1 South Shore.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 what the fuck was I going to say? Oh, yeah, I was at the hotel gym.

Speaker 1 Which, by the way, I keep fucking going to the gym almost every day, and I wake up in the morning and I'm like, I need to go to CVS, Dwayne Reed. I need to go to all the fucking pharmacies.

Speaker 1 All the fucking pharmacies

Speaker 1 and get some Ebson salt. Or is it Epsom salt? Ebson salt.

Speaker 1 Ebson salt bath.

Speaker 1 That's what I got to do. You know what I should really start doing? I should take, should start taking fucking HGH and testosterone.
Like all these fucking guys I see that are my age.

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you this. I'm going to tell you this right now.
You see somebody fucking jacked?

Speaker 1 I don't mean fit. I mean fucking yoked.

Speaker 1 37 or over. They're fucking injecting shit into them.
I'm just, that's just, it is what it is.

Speaker 1 You're seeing that now in the pro athlete game. Like these fucking guys, like, I get it.
You're a professional athlete. You know, you're part of a small percentage of people.

Speaker 1 You're not that fucking, you can't be that fucking jacked over 40.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you get over 40. It's a rap.

Speaker 1 You're fucking walking around like it still could picks an 18 year old up and throw him through a fucking wall. That's not a year old man.

Speaker 1 All right, that's a fucking cyber truck mixed with the human being. I'm not threatened.

Speaker 1 You are.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 what am I doing today? I'm playing with my kids. I already took them out to breakfast.
My son hit my daughter. and then had the nerve to ask me for a fucking toy truck.

Speaker 1 And I was like, you just hit your sister. Do you think you deserve a toy? And he looked down at the table and then looked back up at me.
And that was that was enough for me.

Speaker 1 That means I know that you know the answer is no, but you're smart enough to not answer the question.

Speaker 1 You're gonna go Bill Clinton on me.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bill, what's the deal with you going to Epstein Island?

Speaker 1 I think the record shows. He smiled and walked away.

Speaker 1 I mean, if you didn't do that shit, you'd be like, what the fuck did you just accuse me of?

Speaker 1 You don't laugh. Who laughs when you get.

Speaker 1 These politicians can get literally get away with anything. Anything.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I got to watch what I say on this because now every fucking stupid ass is just taking little things that I say and they just taking it out of context.

Speaker 1 Somebody just had a headline.

Speaker 1 Bill Burr's wife warned him not to go on The View.

Speaker 1 It was a joke.

Speaker 1 She didn't warn me not to go on The View. She knows that I'm a fucking misogynistic fucking moron.

Speaker 1 Why would you go on that show?

Speaker 1 It's called being smart.

Speaker 1 But people see that, and I guess that show leans left.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 1 I do love all the people calling people snowflakes that watch the view, but somehow they know what the view is about. I went on there.
I had a great time. I did Kelly Clarkson yesterday.

Speaker 1 I had a great time.

Speaker 1 I had a great time on that show. She's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 1 And it went great. And you know what? My wife went to that one, and she was

Speaker 1 afterwards, she was like all smiles.

Speaker 1 And I was just laughing. I was going, you see, people do like me.
Because this thing, my wife lives with me, right? And she sees all the dumb shit that I say.

Speaker 1 So she goes, I just want people to see you how I see you.

Speaker 1 And I go, they do. It's just that they don't have to live with me.

Speaker 1 The problem is, sweetheart, is you have to live with me. So all the fucking happy-go-lucky shit that I do

Speaker 1 is diluted because I'm walking around going, who the fuck put this here? Jesus, how many fucking times I got to say to keep this area clear? They don't have to, they don't see that part,

Speaker 1 they just see the fucking clown with the red nose and the big shoes.

Speaker 1 So, anyway,

Speaker 1 I've been having the best time

Speaker 1 back here with my wife and family. And I got to tell you something: yesterday,

Speaker 1 the matinee and the late show, everybody was was fucking on fire. Everybody was just fucking

Speaker 1 killing.

Speaker 1 And Kieran does this thing. I'm not going to say what it is because in case you have tickets.
He does this thing.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he's been doing it for a couple of weeks. And I haven't been looking at him.
And I made the choice last night to look at him when he did it. And

Speaker 1 he almost got me on both shows.

Speaker 1 And I had to mentally go somewhere to prevent myself from bursting out laughing because he was trashing me when he was doing it. But

Speaker 1 anyway, it's just been a great time.

Speaker 1 And all I have is one show today.

Speaker 1 I think the show's at seven, seven o'clock. It's just

Speaker 1 a good time. I've been playing with the kids, having a great time.

Speaker 1 My life feels normal again.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 all I got to do is ride out May, and then the kids will be done with school. They'll be back in June, and then this thing's going to be done.

Speaker 1 and um

Speaker 1 i don't know it's still fun it's fucking nuts we've done like over 50 shows and i'm still having a great time

Speaker 1 so so there is that

Speaker 1 so there is that what did i want to talk about there was something there was something that was on my mind i believe i believe um

Speaker 1 oh i actually watched like 10 minutes of a hockey game the other night. I have not watched any sports since I started rehearsing and doing this play.

Speaker 1 Especially now, it's like whenever the games come on, I have a show.

Speaker 1 Seven, eight o'clock. So I haven't seen one Red Sox game.
I know the Celtics are in the playoffs. I don't know who they're playing.
I know they won last night.

Speaker 1 I know the Bruins, Penguins, and Rangers didn't make the playoffs in the same year for the first time in the history of hockey. I watched a little bit of Minnesota, Vegas,

Speaker 1 and Minnesota was up 4-0.

Speaker 1 Vegas got a goal four to one.

Speaker 1 Then I fell asleep, but I have no idea. I know Tristan Cassis hit a walk-off home run.
I feel like the Red Sox are starting to heat up a little bit.

Speaker 1 I got to figure out some time where I can watch your baseball game, but I don't think it's going to be until the end of June once I get through this thing.

Speaker 1 But anyway, what are you going to do?

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you going to do? Did I tell you that guy that I saw on 7th Avenue? He had one of those, you know, those things that they're not a motorcycle. They're not a car.

Speaker 1 They're not like a buggy. It's like a three-wheel thing.

Speaker 1 I think there's two in the front, one in the back.

Speaker 1 It's like

Speaker 1 if you wanted to buy the Batmobile, but, you know,

Speaker 1 you didn't quite have the amount of money you needed.

Speaker 1 It's sort of shaped like a triangle.

Speaker 1 So anyway, it's like him and three of his friends. So, they're having fun, whatever.
They actually do look like fun, aside from being super dangerous.

Speaker 1 And he is listening to that Alicia Keys Jay-Z song

Speaker 1 that New York

Speaker 1 at like full fucking volume.

Speaker 1 I think I already talked about this on his way down to Times Square.

Speaker 1 It just struck me as fucking funny. That would be like me driving that thing in Boston, three-wheeler, and then I'm listening to, I love that dirty water.

Speaker 1 Wow,

Speaker 1 Boston, you're my home.

Speaker 1 Like, why would you do that?

Speaker 1 He's going into Times Square, listening to New York,

Speaker 1 concrete jungle, where dreams are made of

Speaker 1 at full fucking volume, blowing out his eardrums and everybody on the sidewalk. And then the best part was he was stuck in traffic and he didn't even turn it down.
Like, I had to respect that.

Speaker 1 Like, you ever be listening to some guilty pleasure song? You pull up to a red light. We all know what you do.
You put the windows up, you turn it down. This guy didn't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 He was just fucking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's just one of those guys

Speaker 1 that like whatever you do, that's what you do.

Speaker 1 I'm from here, this is what you do. You go to Times Square, you listen to fucking Alicia Keys and Jay-Z,

Speaker 1 New York.

Speaker 1 Where am I taking to this? To the most touristy fucking place, that's what you do.

Speaker 1 You get a Yankee fitted, you get a bacon, egg, and cheese. You go, oh, I'm walking here.
There's nothing outside the box. You don't move one inch off your block.

Speaker 1 You don't fucking, there's nothing to be examined. You don't look at the people that you grew up with and be like, you know, I like some of this, some of this.

Speaker 1 You just accept all of it.

Speaker 1 You just fucking accept all of it. I was always envious of those people.

Speaker 1 You know, those people who had no fucking desire whatsoever to seek anything beyond what they've been shown.

Speaker 1 There's a piece to that.

Speaker 1 Like a lot of New Yorkers are like that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you ever go, why the fuck would I fucking go there?

Speaker 1 I don't know, experience something different. I got my fucking right down the street.
I got the fucking dirt. They just don't.
They have no desire.

Speaker 1 The fuck they got out in that fucking place. Well, they're not going to have anything you like with that attitude.

Speaker 1 Anyway, remember that stupid restaurant? It was called Gratitude? And it ended up being like Scientology?

Speaker 1 What's the deal with religion? They always have to like put you down a step.

Speaker 1 You always have to be thankful and grateful and all of that shit. Well, yeah, I am.
To the invisible person, not to you.

Speaker 1 What, now you came out here, you're dressed like James Brown with your fucking robes and shit, and now I have to, I got, my gratitude has to go through you.

Speaker 1 Why don't you get a fucking job?

Speaker 1 Donation.

Speaker 1 Get a fucking job. I think priests should be part-time.
You fucking say one mass a week. What the fuck are you doing the rest of the week?

Speaker 1 I probably don't want to know. Why don't you go get a fucking job? Do something.

Speaker 1 I wonder if they're like comedians working at half-filled comedy club. Jeez, I got a fucking two and a seven tonight.

Speaker 1 Holy, holy, holy.

Speaker 1 Just walking in there. I wonder if some of them are fucking

Speaker 1 on gummies.

Speaker 1 They should do that like gummy Fridays.

Speaker 1 Right? And the fucking priest just eats like 50 milligrams and then gives a homily.

Speaker 1 That would be amazing. I'm not gonna lie to you guys.

Speaker 1 I don't really know what happens to you when you die, man, but I know that, you know, there's no reason why we can't all be cool, you know.

Speaker 1 That's something. Just breaks down crying.

Speaker 1 I just took my kids out to breakfast, right? So I ordered this breakfast, and the guy goes, You want cream in your coffee? I said, I don't want to eat coffee. He goes, it comes with coffee.

Speaker 1 I was like, all right, cream.

Speaker 1 He goes, it also comes with orange juice. I go, I don't want orange juice.
He goes, it comes with it. I go, all right.

Speaker 1 so he just brought it and I didn't drink it

Speaker 1 it's like why didn't you just fucking just there's no reason to pour that out right pour it in you know he's gonna dump it down the sink I get it you're gonna charge me for it but I said I didn't want it he goes it comes with it all right

Speaker 1 you know It's kind of like relationships.

Speaker 1 I find you attractive. Okay, great.
I don't take accountability for my actions. Well, I don't want that.
It comes with it. It comes with it, buddy.
Buckle the fuck up

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 it comes with it. Can anybody explain to me why watching Moto GP3, the Moto 3, is so much fun?

Speaker 1 There's something about those bikes. I just look at them and go, I can fucking ride one of those because they're so little.

Speaker 1 And then you realize that they're going well over 100 miles an hour on essentially what looks like a fucking bicycle.

Speaker 2 And then you go, you know, I don't think I could do that.

Speaker 1 I mean, I could do that.

Speaker 1 That would be the greatest if you had me mic'd up on that thing, going 100 miles an hour down the fucking straightaway.

Speaker 1 You just hit me

Speaker 1 as I fucking went by. I'd be scared shitless.

Speaker 1 Scared,

Speaker 1 shitless.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so all I got is one show today.

Speaker 1 I'm going to the gym doing fucking upper body, dude. I've been actually, I finally went into my account on Instagram and all of these workout videos that I saved and I never did any of them.

Speaker 1 I did one of them the other day and I'm still all a sore.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I got to keep doing that because I've been going to the gym. Did I mention I've been going to the gym? Like every day, but I just keep doing the same workout.

Speaker 1 And I deliberately said that so I could get a thousand emails being like, bro, you can't do that. You You got to switch it up every two weeks.
This is what you want to do. Do a fucking cycle.

Speaker 1 What do you think, like, the long-term effects of that shit is going to be?

Speaker 1 HGH and testosterone and taking that stuff.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 1 The reality is, I don't think that anybody knows yet. It's still really early in the game.
But the one thing that I've learned in life is you can't have your cake and eat it.

Speaker 1 There's always, there is a price to fucking pay for everything. So if you're going to walk around

Speaker 1 fucking jacked,

Speaker 1 I don't know, some of these stories that I'm seeing in the media right now, I'll tell you. Oh, boy, howdy, I will tell you.
You know, maybe if you weren't all fucking jacked

Speaker 1 in your 50s, right?

Speaker 1 Some... Well, I guess money.
Whores do like money, right?

Speaker 1 That's their thing.

Speaker 1 That's true, right? This has got to be a great age to be a whore,

Speaker 1 right? Because back in the day,

Speaker 1 they had to bang some old pruned-up-looking guy. But now that guy can get Botox, he can get a hair system, he gets HGH,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 1 And from a distance, you can't tell that he was born mid-last century.

Speaker 1 That the dick you're riding shared the earth with Eisenhower. Like,

Speaker 1 you don't have to think about that.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 General West, pre-General Westmoreland fucking pectorals.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is a

Speaker 1 this is a really fucked up time. And I don't know if any of you regular people and by regular people I mean you're not in show business because you're always saying how we're all fucked up, right?

Speaker 1 Have you guys noticed that a lot of you have more plastic surgery than the average, not a lot of you, but you can you can walk around in your fucking hometown

Speaker 1 and you can see a person that looks like they used to have a movie career, it went south, so now they're fucking with their face.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 1 the fucking fake lip epidemic,

Speaker 1 the Brazilian butt,

Speaker 1 the Botox,

Speaker 1 all those real housewives-looking chicks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a really, it's a very strange time. Everybody is walking around like they just had a movie that did okay, but they need a hit.

Speaker 1 They need a hit, or they have an award show coming up.

Speaker 1 Like if you look at fucking politicians now, you look at real estate agents.

Speaker 1 Real estate agents, I mean, they have as much plastic surgery as they do properties that they're selling. And the men, too.

Speaker 1 These fucking men going out getting goddamn fucking Botox.

Speaker 1 It's a very,

Speaker 1 it's a strange, I'll tell you, it's fucking weird.

Speaker 1 Maybe it is social media.

Speaker 1 Is that what it is?

Speaker 1 Because everybody's on there and all of a sudden you have a page and you just post something being like, you know, you start off, you're just a regular-looking person who on the weekend has like a little flower box.

Speaker 1 You know, you grow some herbs and some flowers. Everybody's, I love this page.
This page is like

Speaker 1 this page is like everything.

Speaker 1 You know, I love this guy. He's just like a regular guy.
You know, he's growing herbs and flowers and stuff, right? And then, like, the first person comes on

Speaker 1 and is just like, hey, dude, you know, it's pretty cool that you're growing basil and shit, but,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 what's up with that fucking thing on your face? It looks like you have an extra nose, right? So what do they do? They go out and they get it. They get that lanced, and that just opens Pandora's box.

Speaker 1 Then all of a sudden, they're like, wow.

Speaker 1 I thought I was going to have to deal with my second nose for my whole life. I kind of accepted it.
And just like that,

Speaker 1 the guy came in there like he was modifying a car just took that right off maybe uh

Speaker 1 the next thing you know you're back there and that guy's you know they start drawing the lines all over your body

Speaker 1 you ever seen that my wife used to watch those fucking shows

Speaker 1 was it botched or something like that with people

Speaker 1 you know like what do they call that when a when a word sounds like what it is like botched that that sounds like bad plastic surgery like you fucked up um

Speaker 1 yeah people would come in with like you know

Speaker 1 two different size titties one's looking one way one's looking the other you know like that fucking lizard right

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 they take the shirt off and they're like i just

Speaker 1 i just want my nipples to be looking at the same thing and the guy's like it's okay it's all right it's all right and just two angry Fucking titties just sitting there, you know, fucking bloodshot,

Speaker 1 you know, with like murder in their eyes. And he's like, all right,

Speaker 1 we're going to make these titties inviting again.

Speaker 1 Why do your titties have road rage?

Speaker 1 They're evidently at a fork in the road and they're looking down both streets, right? And then they would come in and they would relax.

Speaker 1 Her titties like the fucking, it would look like the nipple was going to pop off the end. They had made him so big.

Speaker 1 Now that I guess they figure out how to do it. The bottom line is what I'm saying

Speaker 1 is if we keep going in this trend, in this direction,

Speaker 1 that people are getting behind a fake ass, reaching around for some fake titties,

Speaker 1 and you have calf implants as a dude and a penis enlargement and all that. Like, how we're slowly becoming, like, there's going to be like this middle ground.

Speaker 1 There's going to be humans, there's going to be robots, and then this middle ground of like plastic people.

Speaker 1 Like, that's what's going to be amazing. Some of these people, when they die, they're going to decompose at the same rate as a plastic water bottle.

Speaker 1 Anyway, having said that, I have a gig in Turkey coming up. All right.
And I don't want to be judged.

Speaker 1 All right. I'm going there to make people laugh and maybe get my hair back.
And if I choose to do that, I'm making that choice for me.

Speaker 1 And I shouldn't be judged. It should be a safe space.

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Speaker 1 This

Speaker 1 sounds like some freaky sex people out in the suburbs have some sort of subset of shit that they're into. Chubbies.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 1 little fat white people, five foot six and under, that like to fuck on the grass.

Speaker 1 I'm a chubby. I identify as chubby.
Well, you don't have to identify it, dude. I can see it, you fat fuck.
All right, chubbies, fellas, April is here, but this ain't the time for fooling.

Speaker 1 Fa-fa-fa-fooling.

Speaker 1 It's the time to let those thighs fucking breathe.

Speaker 1 It's the time to let those thighs breathe.

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Give it up for Chicago. Sebastian Meniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 1 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right. Premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.
Terms apply.

Speaker 1 All right, do I have one more?

Speaker 1 I do. Oh my God.
I'll get through this quickly. All right.
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There's no safe like simply safe.

Speaker 1 All right, there you go.

Speaker 1 All right, and with that, old Billy Boy is going to call his fucking agent today, and I'm going to try to get some stand-up dates here in New York

Speaker 1 in May and in June because once this plays over, old Billy's going overseas. I'm going to London.
I'm going to Abu Dhabi and And then I'm going to Italy. I think I'm going to Florence or Milan.

Speaker 1 I can't remember which.

Speaker 1 So I have to have my act together, as the kids say.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 that is the podcast. Enjoy the music here picked out by the incredibly talented Andrew Temple.
Then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Speaker 3 You don't need plastic surgery.

Speaker 3 All right?

Speaker 3 Don't get plastic surgery. Okay? Look human.

Speaker 3 Look human so we know what side you're on when the robots are coming. All right, I'll see you.
Have a great weekend, your cons.

Speaker 1 We have titled our special segment this evening, Telefuture.

Speaker 1 It's the first in a series of three special reports from reporter Fred Briggs on the future of televised communication in the United States.

Speaker 1 A future which is more varied and interesting than many people would believe.

Speaker 2 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burns. Time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 24th, 2017.
How's it going?

Speaker 2 How are you?

Speaker 2 How you doing? How's your week? Oh, I'm sorry, the podcast is a little late. I traveled today.

Speaker 2 I flew back from Boise, Idaho, not Boise, everybody. There's an S in there.
That's what I learned when I was up there. Boise.

Speaker 2 Idaho. And you know what's hilarious? When we landed, when we landed, it did.

Speaker 2 You know that

Speaker 2 the fucking shooter, you know, on the plane, the shooter? And I don't mean with the gun, because you can't get guns on the planes unless you make one like what's his face there? John Malkovich

Speaker 2 in that Clint Eastwood movie. What was it called? Gun.

Speaker 2 Is that what it's called?

Speaker 2 He made like that little plastic gun.

Speaker 2 Till I get some goddamn respect. And he fucking hung up the phone.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not talking about a gun. The fucking, the shooter, the guy, the wedgebreaker.
It's like the second

Speaker 2 they ring that little bing-bong, and you can take off your seatbelt. Some guy from 12 rows back like runs up to the front of the plane.
So, of course, he stops right on my row. So, now I can't get up.

Speaker 2 And I'm looking at his dad jeans, and he was wearing flip-flops. All right, so I got to give it up to the guy.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 You know, to show that kind of quickness with, like, you know, a third of a shoe on was, you know, it was impressive. So this fucking guy who was in the row behind me, diagonally across,

Speaker 2 starts fucking chirping in his ear. It was like the fucking NHL playoffs.
I'm like, are these guys going to drop the gloves? I see him talking to the guy.

Speaker 2 I see the guy, you know, the flip-flop guy looking over his shoulder, right? It's basically a guy with really nice shoes and polka dot socks in first class,

Speaker 2 which is where I sit.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck if I'm flying to Las Vegas.
I sit in the front of the fucking plane. That's just how I do it.
All right? I spent 20 goddamn years in the back of the plane.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I'm not going back. Did I just spill the fucking tea all over the place?

Speaker 2 What are the odds that I would put my wallet on the fucking string to the tea bag and then this shit's just gonna go all over the place? It's just, I swear to God.

Speaker 2 I'm having a hell of a like fucking four days here.

Speaker 2 Every goddamn thing, every little cunty thing that can go wrong. You know, first I break my computer screen, and then the teabag comes out.

Speaker 2 I mean, Jesus Christ, that's going to take me at least 11 seconds to clean up. Or I just kind of wipe it up with my sock.
Oh, what a fucking animal.

Speaker 2 I just had to stop it from going down the side of the table. Don't judge me.
So, anyways, let's get back to the

Speaker 2 polka-dotted socks.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Fucking gentleman worked his way up to the front of the fucking plane. Or maybe he was born into money.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't think this guy was, because he was fucking all over this fucking animal with his flip-flops who was coming up from, you know,

Speaker 2 the fucking, the animal section of the plane.

Speaker 2 Where this guy deserved to be.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 2 Telling you right now, that should be your guy's goal in life. You got to get to the front of the fucking plane.
And that's not a metaphor.

Speaker 2 That is literally, you have to get to the front of the fucking fucking plane.

Speaker 2 Unless you don't travel that often. Then just, you know, suck it up.
Who gives a shit? But if you travel all the time, you have to get to the front of the fucking plane.

Speaker 2 And I'm telling you, the only difference between the front of the plane and the back of the plane is they just, they treat you like a human being. That's it.
That's it.

Speaker 2 It's not like it used to be where, you know, there was fucking broads up there and, you know.

Speaker 2 They'd meet you in the Eastern Airlines fucking lounge afterwards and they'd, you know, you're having like a fucking, whatever the fuck happened in the 70s, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's that incredible meeting of pubes that that decade was.

Speaker 2 So, anyways, this guy is fucking in the guys.

Speaker 2 Like, I've, you know, I got my fucking

Speaker 2 free fucking Bose headsets, the wireless ones that those Bose cunts gave me, and then I found out they're spying on you.

Speaker 2 If you have the app, I had to delete the fucking app.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. And then I found out those guys at Blue Apron are like going down to farmers' markets.
They're going, hey, you don't want to be with these guys? Come over to us.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? What a bunch of pussies.

Speaker 2 If that's what they're doing. Allegedly, that's what they were doing.
Why don't you fucking go do that in a goddamn Ralph's?

Speaker 2 Do it in a supermarket, right?

Speaker 2 Stay in your own weight class.

Speaker 2 You colored apron cunts.

Speaker 2 It's fucking hilarious. This farmer's market guy was going off on him.
He's going, Blue Apron. They eliminate the middleman.
He's like, ah, hello, you are the middleman, you dumb cunt.

Speaker 2 We eliminate it. We farm this shit.
We're going right to the people.

Speaker 2 Anyways, I probably just lost a sponsor there, but I don't give a fuck, right? If that's what they're doing, if you weren't doing it, I apologize to everybody that

Speaker 2 wears an apron the color of my balls right now. Okay, I apologize.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 Jesus, Bill, can you get to the fucking fight? All right, all right. Sorry.
I'm a little distracted. I don't like doing this podcast on days that I traveled.

Speaker 2 I'm a little scared of brain there. More so than usual.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Before you make your joke.

Speaker 2 God damn, my new computer screen is gleaming. I'll tell you, underrated.
Breaking your fucking computer screen. You know? You take it down.
You never go to the Apple Store.

Speaker 2 Don't ever go to the Apple Store. The Apple Store is like flying coach.
Okay? You're going to go in there and they're going to treat you like a fucking animal. You know?

Speaker 2 They put themselves on a higher plane, walking around genius, right? On on their shirt. What does your shirt say? It says nothing, right? Like you have no fucking thought in your head.

Speaker 2 You got to go down there and go talk to those fucking wiry cunts.

Speaker 2 Anyways, no, you go to just some local fucking place. You know, they charge you a little bit more, but you go in there, okay, and you get treated like a fucking human being.

Speaker 2 So I go in there, and, you know, and they see the busted computer screen. They know what the fuck happened.
You know, and I'm not going to lie to them. They're like, oh, you know,

Speaker 2 I got a little one at home and she knocked it off the table at the, you know, doing that shit. I didn't do that.
They go, what happened to it? I said, I stabbed it with my phone.

Speaker 2 So they start laughing. They go, why'd you do that? I said, because

Speaker 2 I'm an impatient person and I'm not good at these things. And

Speaker 2 it seemed like the right thing to do in the moment. And I immediately regretted it.
So now I'm here to give you my money if you can fix this. And they were like, absolutely.
You know?

Speaker 2 You You know, it's funny, because I always have a piece of tape. I have a piece of tape over the fucking camera.
So I don't want people watching me fucking jerking off the porn.

Speaker 2 I don't want to watch people muttering, walking around, talking to myself in the hotel room, trying to come up with new joke. I just don't want people watching me.
So that's the first thing I noticed.

Speaker 2 I was like, wow, this screen is really clean, and fucking Big Brother can see what's going on. You know?

Speaker 2 I don't mind if they can hear what's going on. I just don't want them to see it.

Speaker 2 So, anyways, there's this guy. He's got polka dot socks on.
He's fucking, you know, got a smart pair of wingtip shoes on. And he's just fought, giving this guy shit.

Speaker 2 So I take off my Bose headphones, you know, which they probably downloaded the entire argument. Those fucking spying cunts, right? So I take him off, and he's right in mid-sentence.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you just walk right up here. You hit me with your bag.
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? And I can't hear what the other guy's saying.

Speaker 2 But this other guy, the guy in first class, you'd think he'd say some fucking guy with little soft hands, you know, never worked a day in his life.

Speaker 2 He's fucking all over this this guy to the point the guy who,

Speaker 2 you know, the flip-flop guy just turns his back and doesn't want to say anything. And this guy just keeps going.

Speaker 2 He goes, What are you going to do next? Are you going to push down a kid? You know, hey, you might want to brush your teeth, too.

Speaker 2 He started giving the guy shit bad, his breath stunk. I was like, I fucking love this guy.

Speaker 2 Fucking love the guy. Just fucking, just the entire time it took him to get the goddamn jetway over.
This guy is just in his fucking,

Speaker 2 in his fucking ear, and the guy wouldn't drop the gloves. Would not drop the gloves during the playoffs.
Unbelievable. You know, like he's some star player, right? And he's gonna,

Speaker 2 he'd actually hurt the team if he fucking sits down.

Speaker 2 The shooter, man.

Speaker 2 You know, I wish what happened. I wished he grew I grabbed him by his backpack.
Because I don't give a shit if you have, if you fucking have a black belt in every martial art

Speaker 2 discipline, if you have on a backpack, it's fucking over.

Speaker 2 Because all the person has to do, once somebody just grabs your backpack and starts running the other way, there's nothing in jiu-jitsu, there's nothing in Aikido,

Speaker 2 you just can't, you know?

Speaker 2 That's why, if you watch the UFC, and Joe Rogan will tell you this, they do not allow backpacks into the octagon for that specific reason. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 The backpack, it's like the gun, as far as like just

Speaker 2 throws the black belt right out the window. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You know, like all karate movies, like nobody can have a gun because then it's just kind of like, well, yeah, I can just shoot you, you know?

Speaker 2 That's the coward way out or the cinchy way out. Do you remember that?

Speaker 2 Oh, you can do it, it's cinchy. That's what I was a little kid.
That was a word that just disappeared, meant easy.

Speaker 2 I guess it's a cinch.

Speaker 2 Became cinchy? I just figured that, ah, fucking 48 years later, I finally get it.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 I just wish I reached up, grabbed his backpack, and yanked it back, passed him to the polka dot and sock guy, and everybody just passed him right back to his fucking row. Would have been tremendous.

Speaker 2 You know? And I know a lot of you young listeners to this podcast, and I could lie to you and say that pre-9/11, that was the America that I lived in. You know?

Speaker 2 You know, you could sit in my house and not have to worry about somebody from the geek squad watching me fucking rub one out, you know, in the privacy of my own goddamn home.

Speaker 2 I have tape over every fucking thing I can find. They can listen, but they can't see.
That's the deal. There's no video.
It's just like the podcast. No fucking video.

Speaker 2 I'm in my living room right now.

Speaker 2 I got my TV. They got the little fucking camera up there.
Not fucking doing that. I want to look at some fucking pimple-faced douche and play War of the Worlds, whatever these kids do.

Speaker 2 You know, War of the Worlds. Whatever the fuck is it? Warcraft, Minecraft, Minecraft, Mind Head, what is it called?

Speaker 2 Has a video game transcendent video gamers to the point that I actually know? Isn't it Witches of Eastwick? What is that?

Speaker 2 What is that fucking game that everybody loses their mind when it comes out? Is that Warcraft? Something like that.

Speaker 2 Ah, it'll come to me.

Speaker 1 No, it won't. But whatever.

Speaker 2 That's how you get out of your own stupidity. That's such a great phrase.
Ah, it'll come to me. Why didn't I know that back in the day when I was in math class?

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 What is the sine, cosine, and tangent of that fucking hypotenuse?

Speaker 2 Mr. Burr, oh, it's.

Speaker 2 Don't tell me, don't you? You know what? It'll come to me. It'll come to me.
Then my teacher will be like, hey, fair enough.

Speaker 2 Then maybe I wouldn't have had to go to summer school two out of four years. I should have gone all three fucking.
I should have gone all four years. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 My sophomore teacher let me off the hook and gave me a D-minus. And then senior year, I was like, well, what's the point?

Speaker 2 What's the fucking point?

Speaker 2 What am I getting to a better community college?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it didn't make any fucking difference. You know what I mean? It's like when the fucking outfields playing in,

Speaker 2 you know, and then the guy after the plate, he hits it over the guy's fucking head. He doesn't go get it.
He just runs in. That's why I treated summer school my senior year.

Speaker 2 Not fucking doing that shit.

Speaker 2 What's the point when I can go out and get hammered, drive drunk, and do what you did in the 80s? Just driving around, hammered.

Speaker 2 Hammered.

Speaker 2 You go down to the fucking liquor store or the packy, as we called it.

Speaker 2 Hey, go down to Packy and get me a Sixer dude. We go down to the Packy store, right? You just stand there out front, you know, your hands in your pockets, looking as conspicuous as possible.

Speaker 2 And then you just fucking walk up to adults and be like, hey, could you buy me some beer?

Speaker 2 You know, and there was no fight, there was no cameras back then. The television had just been invented.
I mean, and nobody knew how to work these things.

Speaker 2 And people would do that. They would actually, like,

Speaker 2 not even think about the liability. They would go out, and they, you know,

Speaker 2 you try to judge, like, get a buyer. That's what it was.
You try to, like,

Speaker 2 try to, like, pick the right person, somebody who looks cool.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Anyone in a suit, you're like, fuck that guy. I'm not asking him.
You don't ask a mom, you know, didn't ask any women. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Unless she hoarded up a little bit, you're like, then you got to make the judgment call.

Speaker 2 How involved in her life was her father?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know.
Yeah, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
And you just wait for somebody with a little bit of long hair, you know,

Speaker 2 some fucking

Speaker 2 shitty little mustache. You look for a dirtbag, is basically what you did.
Someone who would have no concern for people underage driving away with alcohol. And

Speaker 2 that's the way it was done. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now.
You notice I got these fucking helicopters in my ears. Can you hear that thing?

Speaker 2 They're like hovering right over my house. They're having a big parade right now.
I don't know, parade or something. It's

Speaker 2 the Armenians.

Speaker 2 They're recognizing or remembering everybody who died in the genocide. You know?

Speaker 2 You know, I just realized that just really just fucked up my relationship with the Turkish funny boat. I probably won't be getting any weekends out there for a while.

Speaker 2 That and Kaz Zakerstein or whoever the the two countries are that try to act like that we didn't we never did that.

Speaker 2 Ah, that never happened. Yeah, well, the rest of the world knows it did, so you can just sit there and deny it all you want.
What are you fucking Bernie Madoff?

Speaker 2 How long are you going to fucking lie about this shit?

Speaker 2 I actually watched this documentary speaking of just despicable, horrible things to do to human beings.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 I don't know anything about Turkish people, but I'll tell you right now,

Speaker 2 they were probably scared shitless of Armenians. You know what I mean? They're fucking tough people.
That's probably what it was. They got all nervous or some shit.
I don't know what it was.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of Armenians in my neighborhood, and I swear to God, like every other one of them you look at, and you're like, is that a UFC champion?

Speaker 2 They're fucking jacked. Their heads are shaved.
Every one of them just looks like they could kick the shit out of you.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Maybe Turkey got nervous.
I have no idea what happened. I don't know how you could fucking do that.

Speaker 2 I don't know. The older I get, the older I get, the more

Speaker 2 sickening human behavior becomes. Not saying I'm some fucking saint, but I still, for the life of me, do not understand how war is legal.
I just don't, I don't get it.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Let's wade into international waters here without really paying attention to anything.

Speaker 2 I don't even watch the the BBC. That's what a lot of stuck-up cunts over here do.
I just want to get another perspective.

Speaker 2 So, Syria gases some of its own fucking people, and then we shoot missiles at them.

Speaker 2 So, my thing is, where did the missiles go and who died?

Speaker 2 How accurate are those missiles? Was it just some guy selling popcorn on this corner of Syria and Kazakhstan? You know,

Speaker 2 he's up there, step right up, step right up.

Speaker 2 Extra, extra. Read all about it.
And it's shh.

Speaker 2 Then we're like, ah, sorry about that.

Speaker 2 Sorry about that. We were trying to get the guy that did the thing that we didn't like,

Speaker 2 that we frowned upon.

Speaker 2 We would like to apologize to

Speaker 2 anybody at the food court. I have no idea.
Are our missiles that good? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I have no idea. I just don't get how that works.

Speaker 2 Yeah, war is just really, I just don't, I don't understand it. We're going to murder more of your people before you murder all our people.

Speaker 2 And then when we win, we're going to say that you guys are evil.

Speaker 2 Right? The only way is if somebody just starts with you. If they start it, you know.
Then you've got to finish it. I guess that's how it works.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Didn't Sean Connery make a speech about this in the Untouchables or something like that?

Speaker 1 I don't fucking know.

Speaker 2 But I don't get why we're all up in arms about that hairless fat fuck over there in Korea. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I just don't, I don't understand why this guy can't shoot off his fireworks at his own fucking country. I mean, we do that shit all the time.
Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 2 What is that fucking

Speaker 2 gerbil gonna do?

Speaker 2 That's what he's built like.

Speaker 2 He's built like a gerbil. He just has like a fucking

Speaker 2 I he's adorable. If you would just stop with the I'm gonna blow up fucking the United States,

Speaker 2 you gotta admit, the guy he's kind of adorable.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I have no fucking idea. But anyway, so I was watching this thing on Europe

Speaker 2 right after World War two.

Speaker 2 And then I and it was so fascinating to me what the fuck was going on that I actually you know, I went on I actually got on my my the internet I didn't have my laptop because I stabbed it with my phone but my phone was still working so I was checking out

Speaker 2 you know a couple of websites and this one website put exactly how my mindset was how I believed World War II right after was like right I mean I knew in Germany that obviously they had to fucking rebuild you know

Speaker 2 obviously Japan

Speaker 2 that was a rough one right I knew that they you know were rebuilding but everybody else I kind of thought hey you know everybody was all in a good good mood and shit and skipping down the fucking street because it was over.

Speaker 2 As his website put it, you know, there were sailors kissing nurses in fucking Times Square. That was it.

Speaker 2 And evidently it was not.

Speaker 2 In a lot of ways, like people were acting exactly the way against sh the the people they were fighting. It was fucking brutal.
There was all kinds of rapes, murders, people settling scores.

Speaker 2 All Germans that were all around Europe that had, you know, were not in Germany, they were getting fucking killed and sent back to Germany.

Speaker 2 A couple of little mini genocides were, you know, between people in Eastern fucking Europe. It was just like, Jesus Christ.
And I have to tell you something of these, the fucking Nazis, too.

Speaker 2 Every time I think, like, I've heard the worst thing they ever did, it's like

Speaker 2 you can't even watch it.

Speaker 2 I just found out something else they did. I'm going to tell you, it was so fucking disturbing, I'm not even going to repeat it.

Speaker 2 I can't stop fucking thinking about it. And then they were showing the goddamn Nuremberg trials.

Speaker 2 And those fucking Nazi cunts are sitting there with this arrogant look on their face, like, well, this is fucking bullshit.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 And then I'm thinking, how could you think that? How could you not be like, wow,

Speaker 2 that got a little, yeah, I guess we got a little sideways with that plan, huh?

Speaker 2 They're fucking sitting there, you know, with these look on their face, like, yeah, like,

Speaker 2 like, this is fucking bullshit. And then I'm thinking, like how could they possibly think that because they're probably and I'm thinking they think well if we fucking won

Speaker 2 you guys would be sitting here

Speaker 2 all right what about when you firebombed Dresden how about that shit and then we could just be like well you know we wouldn't have done that if you wouldn't do what you were doing

Speaker 2 if you weren't doing what you were doing right mr.

Speaker 2 Blonde they had just done what I told them to do no one would have been dead that's what we were doing if you didn't do what the fuck you were doing we wouldn't have done what we did

Speaker 2 and then they would say, well, what we did, we learned from you with what you did to the Native Americans. And then we would say, well, you know what? That wasn't us.

Speaker 2 We weren't alive when that happened. And then they'd be like, well, you know what? You're still alive.
And a lot of them are still alive. And you're not doing anything about it.

Speaker 2 And we'd be like, all right, fair enough. You know what? We'll set some in motion to eventually give them casinos.

Speaker 2 And the Nazis would be like, you know, fair enough. Fair enough.

Speaker 2 And that's it. You see, they had all this fucking footage of them hanging these fucking guys.

Speaker 2 Just a nonchalant way they did it. They had this footage of this guy.
I didn't even know what the fuck it was.

Speaker 2 It was like, it was just a board.

Speaker 2 It was like a do-it-yourself fucking hang the guy right in court.

Speaker 2 They fucking tie the guy's hands behind his back. They lay him down on this board.
It just goes like to a 45-degree angle.

Speaker 2 They hoist the guy up. They put a fucking rope around his neck.
And he's sitting there

Speaker 2 fucking holding him up, right?

Speaker 2 And then a guy with gloves just covers the guy's eyes, and then they let go of him, and as the guy slides down, he breaks his neck, and the guy with the hands just, he just moves his hand with the guy's head so you never see his fucking eyes.

Speaker 2 You know, because they don't want to upset people in court.

Speaker 2 It was fucking insane.

Speaker 2 Fucking insane. And

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. I got to be honest with you, I really wish I didn't watch it because there was this woman testifying in that.
That, you know, if you want to see it, I can't remember the program.

Speaker 2 I'm sure you can find it on the fucking internet.

Speaker 2 You know, just Google what the fuck was Bill talking about World War II. I'm sure somebody will find it.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you got to see them. Like, you know, I'm ugh.
All right. This is just not funny anymore.
All right, let's plow ahead. Let's talk about something else.
Okay, so

Speaker 2 I was in Boise.

Speaker 2 This

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Sorry, Sorry, I'm typing in my password here. I was in.
Oh, you know what?

Speaker 2 Uh, has anybody seen uh

Speaker 2 Joe McIntyre's new show?

Speaker 2 Joe McIntyre from New Kids on the Block, from the movie The Heat.

Speaker 2 I got to work with him on that movie, and he was a fucking great guy, absolutely hilarious, right? So I was supposed to do a podcast with him to help promote his show.

Speaker 2 And I had, I just completely forgot. And he drove all the way over to this podcast studio, and I wasn't there.
Completely fucked the guy over.

Speaker 2 So he's going to be, I'm going to be interviewing him for next week's Monday morning podcast. And he is going to give me a fucking ton of shit.

Speaker 2 So out of guilt, I'm like, fuck, I got to watch this guy's show because I fucked this up. And I put it on, and lo and behold, it's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 It's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm not going to lie to you. I hit pause because I wanted to make sure that I said this guy's name right.
Joey Lawrence did a guest star.

Speaker 2 I always forget. There's too many Joey's in the story, so I was gonna fuck it up.
He was fucking hilarious. And the guy who plays his

Speaker 2 agent is great. I don't know what his name is.
I'm on the IMDb page. I'm gonna fuck all of this stuff up.
Everybody on the show is hilarious. Jamie Denbo, who I also worked with in the Heat.

Speaker 2 Who else was in? Donnie Wahlberg. All of these guys were just.
It's really fucking funny. Thank Christ.
Because I was already sitting there going, like, like, fuck, I fucked this guy over.

Speaker 2 I didn't show up. And then I'm going to watch his show.
And I'm like, oh, God, what if it's terrible? Then what do I do? I got to sit there and cross. Ah, it's a great show.

Speaker 2 I can actually tell you, it's a fucking great show.

Speaker 2 I don't know what network it's on. I'm going to fuck it, but I'll know by Monday.
All I know is it's not on the comfy network, but it's fucking hilarious. Just look it up.

Speaker 2 It's really, really well written. And the guy who plays his agent is a fucking beast.

Speaker 2 Kills it. And

Speaker 2 I don't know. I actually found it interesting too, like what his life is like,

Speaker 2 you know, because it's based obviously on his life. And there's so much like creepy older women wanting to come up and hug him.

Speaker 2 And now he's got to kind of just allow them to do it.

Speaker 2 I found that hilarious just because I don't like people touching me. You know, I just, after a while, I just

Speaker 2 like I so understand how he men dealt. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Just us, people always wanted to come up and touch him. And then, like, what if he wants a fucking sandwich? And all those hands he just shook.
All that DNA.

Speaker 2 He could literally start his own country with what is on his fucking hands. And when you really start thinking about that,

Speaker 2 you know, that's, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Like, my favorite time to meet people is during the winter when I'm back east and you already have gloves on. I love winter when you're in New York.
You know?

Speaker 2 You can go on the subway, you can grab onto shit, you can finally hold on,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 just walking down the street, high-fiving homeless people.

Speaker 2 You don't give a shit, right? You got on gloves, it's perfect.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's what I'm gonna do. You know, I've always been looking for something.
Oh, look who's here.

Speaker 2 Am I being too loud? No, I thought you were telling them. No, no, no, I haven't done the podcast yet.
Oh, it's the two lovely ladies.

Speaker 2 Can I say hello to my daughter?

Speaker 2 What's up?

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what? The internet doesn't work in the office. And I was worried I was going to stab my laptop again with my phone.
I didn't want to do that.

Speaker 2 Come here, let me get one little smile here. Let me get one little smile.
Hey, buddy. Oh, she just woke up.
Did you just wake up?

Speaker 1 Hey, remember me?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's that smile.

Speaker 1 How are you?

Speaker 2 All right, She's too adorable, and this is not going to be a funny podcast anymore. How are you, cutie?

Speaker 2 We're going to hang out today? Huh? Read you a couple. Yes.
Nice smile. All right.

Speaker 2 Sorry. I'm back.
I'm back.

Speaker 2 All right. Let me do some of the

Speaker 2 reads here. So, yeah, check out Return of the Mac.

Speaker 2 Nia, how funny is that show?

Speaker 1 Very funny. There you go.
See that?

Speaker 2 Nia would never lie.

Speaker 2 All right, let me read some of these fucking things here.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so let's get on to. Okay, so I was up there.
I am going to talk hockey, but I'm trying to avoid the pain.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to avoid the pain, okay? I just thought about Carlito's wife. Here comes the pet.
I related.

Speaker 2 Kleinfeld is my friend.

Speaker 2 That's one of my favorite roles Sean Penn ever played. I fucking love him in that.
I love him with the fucking perm and the receding hairline. You know, he's doing the fucking blow.

Speaker 2 Cop comes in, says all that crazy shit to him, trying to scare the shit out of him.

Speaker 2 He just looks at the cop and goes,

Speaker 1 Dun dun dun.

Speaker 2 Fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 Oh, I love Sean Penn. You know, sometimes I pray for a flood just so I can see him coming up in a boat just to rescue me.
He's that kind of guy.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 so I'm up in Boise, Idaho, working in the Egyptian theater. I had a great fucking time, despite the fact for the first time in like 12, 13 years, I had to kick somebody out of the show.

Speaker 2 And I never do that. And I told a guy, I don't want to do that.
I think it's a pussy move by a comedian. Deal with the heckler, and that's it.
But this guy was just,

Speaker 2 he just was, you know, he wasn't

Speaker 2 even remotely coherent. And

Speaker 2 I don't know. I offered to pay for his tickets and all that.
I was just like, dude, you just, you got to go. You got to fucking go.

Speaker 1 And I gave him one more word.

Speaker 2 You could just shut the fuck up. And he's still...

Speaker 2 I couldn't even respond to what he was saying because I couldn't understand him. And

Speaker 2 it was getting ugly. It was getting ugly.
So, you know, I apologize to the people there. And if the guy's listening, you know, just come back next time, sober.
All right.

Speaker 2 That's all. I didn't want to do it.
All right. I'm sure you woke up today, all fucking mad at me.

Speaker 2 You know, when they threw him out, they found 14 beers, empty beer cans underneath his

Speaker 2 underneath his seat.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know if they're trumping up the charges. I don't know if because he was in the front row, a bunch of rows of beers, cans rolled down to him.
I have no, I don't pretend to fucking know.

Speaker 2 But, anyways,

Speaker 2 I was performing at that theater, and

Speaker 2 one of the coolest things anybody has ever done for me, the people at the theater heard that I played drums, so they rented a drum kit.

Speaker 2 And during the day, I got to go into the theater, the theater, and just fucking,

Speaker 2 you know, put on my walkman, whatever the fuck you call it, the iPod thing, my phone, my little handheld stereo, and just fucking just rock out, man.

Speaker 2 I had a great time. And

Speaker 2 whoever tuned up those drums, they sounded great. The snare was fucking unbelievable.

Speaker 2 It was like a marching.

Speaker 2 I don't know how deep it was. It was like 6.5 by like.

Speaker 2 What's the next size up?

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. It was like 14 by 6.5.

Speaker 2 What's the next size up? Is it 8 inches deep, 9 inches deep? But this isn't a porno here, people. I'm fucking asking.

Speaker 2 It was incredible. Incredible fucking sound.
And I was this old Ludwigs, and they didn't even have like the usual

Speaker 2 lugs on them, whatever the fuck you call the things you unscrew when you're tuning up and tuning down the drum or whatever, or tensioning it, tensioning the drum, however the fuck you're supposed to say it.

Speaker 2 They just had screws that were all stripped. So it's got this great kit, but to adjust it, I had to take out a pair of pliers that came with the drum kit.

Speaker 2 So it was a five-piece, broke it down to the four-piece setup, the Steven Adler fucking setup that I fell in love with when Appetite for Destruction came out, you know?

Speaker 2 When I was going down the slippery slope of I want as many drums as possible because I was listening to Iron Maiden and then Stephen Adler came out.

Speaker 2 I'm like, this fucking guy's getting more music out of these four drums than half these guys out with these fucking 15-piece kits.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I just

Speaker 2 had the greatest fucking time and

Speaker 2 was up there with Rosebowl Tailgate legend Joe Bartnick, who fucking murdered all week. And

Speaker 2 Monday morning podcast

Speaker 2 produced producer, producer. Is that what he said? Extraordinary Extraordinary Andrew Themelis was up there.
And we made a tour. We did a tour of Boise.
We fucked it. We got everywhere.

Speaker 2 We got fucking everywhere. We went on the Blue Field.
We went up to the fucking Table Rock. We were all over that fucking town.
We had a great time.

Speaker 2 So that'll be coming out. The San Jose one is almost done.
And then I also got another one for San Antonio that's coming up. So I'm just going to start doing those fucking things.
I don't know why.

Speaker 2 I like doing them. They're fun.
You know, plus it makes me get out and do shit. You know, I've been to Boise a number of times.
I never got up into those fucking hills.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 2 So, all right, I think I've avoided it long enough. Let's talk about the NHL playoffs.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 you want your team to make the playoffs until they lose a playoff series. Then you're just like, oh, that sucked.
Shouldn't they just not have made the playoffs?

Speaker 2 They could have just ripped the emotional band-aid right off.

Speaker 2 Congratulations. I'm saying this through gritted teeth.
Congratulations to the Ottawa Senators. It was a well-played series.

Speaker 2 I had nothing to respect for you guys and your organization. Good luck in the next round against the New York Funket Rangers.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I got to, you know,

Speaker 2 they always do the star of the game. I mean, at some point, you got to give it to

Speaker 2 all those Ottawa locals that were refereeing those games.

Speaker 2 Particularly game three, game five, and even a little bit of game six.

Speaker 2 You know, I'm not saying if, if, you know, I'm not saying that's why we lost, but Jesus fucking Christ. All I wanted was a little consistency.
You know, and here's a deal.

Speaker 2 A ref can fuck you in one game, but you know, when it's like three out of the six,

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, how many times did we have to win game five before they had to score like two fucking goals?

Speaker 2 They're fucking sitting in the crease, covering the puck up. In the crease, not the goalie.

Speaker 2 Okay, for those of you who don't watch hockey, that's a that's I've been watching hockey for 37 fucking years. That's a penalty shot.

Speaker 2 They have replay. I don't know how they manage.

Speaker 2 After further review, when the defenseman put his hand over the puck, we could no longer see the puck, so it was inconclusive as to whether it was underneath his glove or not.

Speaker 2 So we actually won game five, despite the fucking refs trying everything they possibly could to give Ottawa a chance to fucking win it. Game three was a debacle.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 End of the third period. I can't even remember who the fuck it was.
Someone on Ottawa just stood up and punched one of the Bruins in the face and we got offsetting roughings.

Speaker 2 We both got two minutes for roughing. The Ottawa guy for punching the dude in the face and I guess the Bruin for not ducking.
I don't know what he, I don't know what we got.

Speaker 2 Two minutes for not ducking.

Speaker 2 For allowing yourself to be punched in the face. I have no, so it was also like, all right, that's what he's going to do.

Speaker 2 When I saw that, I was like, okay, this ref is like, it's going to be even strength. I'm not going to be a part of this horseshit, okay? I don't know why he punched him in the face.

Speaker 2 Maybe some other shit happened right before that, and this is retaliation. I don't have time for you fucking bullshit, children.

Speaker 2 You're both sitting down, and it's going to be even strength, and no one's going to know my fucking name at the end of this. But that's not how it went down.

Speaker 2 Because then in the fucking overtime, Ottawa comes in, fucking smashes us in the face. Nash punches the guy back in the face, and we get two minutes.

Speaker 2 They go on the power play and they fucking beat us.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I'm not even saying that we would have won the fucking thing, but it's just like, well, why do that to me? Now I got to think of that the whole fucking summer.

Speaker 2 Can't you just let Ottawa beat us? They were going to beat us.

Speaker 2 Maybe they weren't. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't fucking know. But Jesus Christ.
I even thought that last one.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm looking at this through fucking black and gold fucking colored glasses, which of course I am. I'd love to hear what you think.
But even like that fucking.

Speaker 2 You know, they won on the power play again. On some ticky-tack fucking horseshit.

Speaker 2 It looked bad, but when you looked at the fucking

Speaker 2 when I did, anyways, let's be honest. When I looked at the instant replay, it's like Posternock was trying to get to the guy with the puck who's entering the offensive zone.

Speaker 2 AKA, a fucking scoring threat. The fucking Ottawa guy turns around, looks at Posternock, and initiates the contact.

Speaker 2 Pasta reaches out, grabs the guy, and he just sits on his ass two minutes for fucking holding.

Speaker 2 Fucking 30 seconds later. Hey, enjoy your golfing.
But you know what?

Speaker 2 What do I give? I mean, I actually, I have no fucking shit, I don't give a shit about Ottawa at all.

Speaker 2 I go there, I have a good time, I do shows. They've never done anything to us.
For some reason, they decided to trade Chara to us, so thank you for that. So, God bless you on your fucking wing.

Speaker 2 But now, I get, this is it, but you know something? As sad as that was,

Speaker 2 I was equally happy for the New York Rangers. Not because I don't dislike the Rangers either.
I actually like the Rangers.

Speaker 2 It's one of the few New York teams that actually kind of see. I really love the Knicks and I love the Rangers.
Unless they're playing us, then I don't like them. And it's not really even them.

Speaker 2 It always comes down to the fans. So I was extremely excited that the Rangers knocked out the Montreal Canadiens.
But of course, I cannot give 100%

Speaker 2 credit to the New York Rangers. I do have to thank the fans

Speaker 2 of Montreal who were in the Montreal Forum, the second forum, on that fateful night when you guys absolutely humiliated Patrick Waugh to the point he gave you guys the fingers.

Speaker 1 Right? Remember that?

Speaker 2 Then he went over and he sat on the bench and he looked at your owner and I've read his lips. He said, listen, you motherfucker, I'm never playing for you cunts again.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 2 Trade me to whoever the fucking Nordiques are now. And that's what happened.
That's exactly what happened. He called it, and then he went on and he won two more cups, I believe, in 96 and in 2001.

Speaker 2 Or was it 2000? I can't fucking remember.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 2 And the greatest thing ever is: the Montreal Canadians never won another cup.

Speaker 2 The end.

Speaker 2 That's it. That's how the story ends, as of right now.

Speaker 2 That's how it's going to end.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 2 They're dead.

Speaker 2 Can you believe this? I'm literally, I root for a franchise that has six cups, you know, but we won in 2011. So

Speaker 2 that gives me rights.

Speaker 2 You know, whenever Montreal fans talk about their fucking all the cups they won, I just start singing Glory Days.

Speaker 2 That's all I do. It's really obnoxious.
It annoys the shit out of them. They start wiping their tears away with their little hankies they have in their front sport coat pockets.

Speaker 2 I was actually talking to Bartnick

Speaker 2 and host of Puckoff, and I was trying to tell him I was, you know, saying that I was going to root for Toronto. So, of course, then they get the old right there, Fred, from fucking the Capitals.

Speaker 2 By the way, hey, Bill, who do you think is going to win the Cup? I think the Penguins repeat. That's what I think.

Speaker 2 That's what I think. I think they're going to have an amazing fucking series

Speaker 2 against the Capitals.

Speaker 2 And then they'll probably face the fucking Rangers.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 who are they going to face face in the West? Well, who the fuck knows now?

Speaker 2 Nobody saw that four-game sweep against the Blackhawks,

Speaker 2 and I mean, noah saw that shit coming.

Speaker 2 Fucking people in Nashville, you know, they actually

Speaker 2 such not hockey fans, they actually showed up for game five. They didn't know how many games you had to win.

Speaker 2 That's such a cheap joke, but I enjoyed it. Congratulations to Edmonton.
Who else moved on? Anaheim? Anaheim fucking kicked the fuck out of somebody? St. Louis Blues.

Speaker 2 You know, I guess I got to root for the Blues again. I'll root for the Blues.

Speaker 2 They've never won a cup. And,

Speaker 2 but, anyways, I was talking to Bartnick, Joey Bartnick.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 a lot of people don't know this because the Maple Leafs have not won since 1967.

Speaker 2 And I was surprised when I was going back one day, just going down some fucking hockey history rabbit hole.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 do you know in 1967,

Speaker 2 like,

Speaker 2 if you ask somebody, like, who's the greatest hockey franchise, the most successful one of all fucking time, it would still would have been the Canadians, right? They had still won the most cups.

Speaker 2 But a lot of people don't know this. In 1967, the fucking Maple Leafs were only one cup behind

Speaker 2 the Montreal Canadiens. They are now 10 cups behind them, or something like that.
11 cups, I believe. Yeah, 24 to 13.
In 1967,

Speaker 2 the fucking Toronto Maple Leafs won their 13th Stanley Cup to be within one of the Montreal Canadiens. So that's like Celtics Lakers,

Speaker 2 except the Maple Leafs weren't lying about any of their titles. They didn't win one in some other fucking hockey league, you know.

Speaker 2 And then they called it a Stanley Cup championship, you know.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 so they win it in 1967.

Speaker 2 All right, the Canadians have 14,

Speaker 2 Leafs have 13. They're breathing down their fucking necks.

Speaker 2 If they win two more, right, all of a sudden they're the greatest fucking franchise of all time. That's how fucking close they were.

Speaker 2 And once again,

Speaker 2 they won the cup in 67.

Speaker 2 The end.

Speaker 2 And that's the end of that book. It's fucking unbelievable.
And then the Canadians, they won it the next two years in a row. 68, 69.
Then the Bruins won it in 70. Oh, God, here we go.

Speaker 2 This is from memory. This is how much of a fucking nerd I am.
71, the Canadians win, 72, the Bruins, 73, Canadians win. Then the Flyers went back to back

Speaker 2 in 74, 75, and then they fucking had a Canadians had a dynasty. 76, 77, 78, 79.
When Larry Robinson beat the shit out of Dave Schultz, you know, both of them rocking the same fucking perm.

Speaker 2 Both of them, I believe, had a mustache. I mean, it was 1976.

Speaker 2 You watch it now. They look like a couple of roided-up hipsters.
But back then, that's what men look like. And he stood up to them, and that was it.

Speaker 2 That's one of my favorite fucking moments, by the way. And that's as a Bruin fan.
I love that fight. You know, just because, you know, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I just don't like bullies. And I'm not saying Dave Schultz was a bully.
It's like, you're playing fucking hockey for fuck's sakes.

Speaker 2 He was too mean to me. You know, but whatever.
They were called the bullies. It was just something about it.
Like, I just saw him pulling people's hair and shit.

Speaker 2 And I was just like, ah, you know, who's kidding who? I love Dave Schultz. But after a while, you win so many fights, you just start rooting for somebody else.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 then they won in 86, then they won in 93. They won 10 more fucking Stanley Cups, and they just disappeared over the horizon.

Speaker 2 It was like when Lance Armstrong looked back at that guy, you know, and he went on to win the Tour de France like seven fucking times. I still can't believe they took those titles away from him.

Speaker 2 That's so fucking ridiculous. That's one of the dumbest things ever.
That whole fucking sport is on drugs. They're all on drugs.
So it was a level playing field.

Speaker 2 Okay? That's it.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you right now, if the same people raised, okay, and they all went clean, he's going to win it again.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 He's the best guy. If they're all on drugs, it was even.

Speaker 2 I don't know. That whole thing fucking annoys me.
You know why? Because everybody fucking shits on the guy, but everybody made all this money off of him.

Speaker 2 You never saw anybody give any of their fucking money back, did you?

Speaker 2 Oh, they were so fucking outraged. Like the fucking cunts who run the sport of cycling didn't realize what the fuck was going on.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 If someone were, if someone you work with, if you're in a restaurant and somebody's on fucking heroin at the staff, you know.

Speaker 2 The people in the restaurant don't know, but you fucking know because you work there.

Speaker 2 They let that guy win seven in a row, blow up the fucking sport, and then they took it away from him, and then they all kept their fucking money. That's exactly what happened as far as I'm concerned.

Speaker 2 You know, why doesn't Trump go shoot some missiles at them? You know?

Speaker 2 Anyways, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 Let me fucking type in my goddamn passport.

Speaker 2 Passport? All right, password.

Speaker 2 Oh, the screen is just so clear. I never fucking wipe down the screen.
Fucking animal, I am. Never do it.
I just, I'd rather squint for some stupid reason. All right, let's do a couple questions here.

Speaker 2 All right, big eyes follow-up.

Speaker 2 Hi, Bill. I listened to your podcast when you were going, you were Googling Big Eyes and heard you mention the fiasco that occurred, which you dismissed, assuming that it wasn't the same artist.

Speaker 2 Actually, there was a fraud involved. The husband took credit for the wife's artistry, which came out after the images were licensed.
Love your podcast. Love you.
Go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 And by the way, I am a 62-year-old woman.

Speaker 2 God bless you, sweetheart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I actually looked it up. Yeah, that guy was a fucking creep.
We should put a link up to that. It's a crazy story.

Speaker 2 My favorite part of that story was,

Speaker 2 I forget, there was some big fucking,

Speaker 2 you know, one of those things that like socialites show up to.

Speaker 2 You know, those people who are just, you know, they're famous because they go to these parties where famous people are there. And evidently they just have a great conversation.

Speaker 2 You know, they go in there and they talk about fucking hard air ballooning or just something just, I don't know.

Speaker 2 They just people just find them fascinating because they can go from subject to subject, you know,

Speaker 2 while eating appetizers and not getting anything between their teeth. They just, I don't know what it is about fucking rich people.
They are fascinated.

Speaker 2 I think they got so much fucking money, they just get bored, right? And God knows they're not talking to their wives anymore.

Speaker 2 You know, they went out and they got themselves a mattress that, you know, two different kinds,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 Fucking banker, he probably wants a heated one, the reptilian cunt.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I think, I don't know if it was the World's Fair, I don't know what it was, but they fucking bought,

Speaker 2 they had all the, they bought some big, one of those big-eyed fucking kid paintings.

Speaker 2 And somebody in the New York Times and one of these fucking papers that all these fucking socialite cunts want that respect trashed those drawings saying they're creepy, they're hacky, it's awful, it's terrible art.

Speaker 2 What happened was they just became too mainstream and people got sick of them and they trashed them and then they immediately took it down.

Speaker 2 I think they commissioned her to fucking paint the goddamn thing.

Speaker 2 I mean, what a fucking shame. One article, it's like you liked that shit.

Speaker 2 You liked that shit. And then you walked, you commissioned that artist.
You told her how much you fucking liked her and you appreciated her work. And one little fucking article, what did you do?

Speaker 2 All of a sudden, you were like a fucking kid in high school. who wasn't strong enough to say, yeah, I'm friends with that snot-nosed kid over there, right? And stayed with them.
You know, you didn't.

Speaker 2 They just stepped away and they watched that lady get stuffed into a fucking locker with all her goddamn paintings.

Speaker 2 After what the fuck happened to her and her husband, I'll tell you right now, that's reprehensible.

Speaker 2 All right, Captain America, everybody.

Speaker 2 Hey, Billy Bruce Banner. I don't imagine you're spending your free time reading comic books.
Yeah, I can't get into them. I really like the way they're drawn, though.

Speaker 2 And I also, like, the superheroes always have like fucking, they have like the hottest girlfriends, at least the ones that I read. Spider-Man's girlfriend was fucking ridiculous.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, the fucking titties, ass, and legs. I mean, she was, she was fucking amazing.
Beautiful, beautiful, goddamn woman.

Speaker 2 That's why I don't like the movies, you know what I mean? Because nowadays, they gotta make sure they can't go too fucking pretty now, or else all the fatties get fucking upset.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's an impossible image. Go to the fucking gym.

Speaker 2 Do I fucking cry when Brad Pitt takes his shirt off? Maybe I do, but I don't tweet about it.

Speaker 2 All right, I don't imagine you spending your free time reading comic books, Bill, but I thought I'd share some news with you, man. It was revealed months back

Speaker 2 that Captain America was actually a Hydra spy all these years. Hydra is basically the Nazis.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 All right, it was assumed that they would write it in that he was actually, he wasn't actually a spy this whole time, but was pretending to be.

Speaker 2 Well, this month they decided to make it so that Captain America is and has always been a bad guy. The story elements they are adding are trash, so it's not even a cool twist.

Speaker 2 Oh, I love, oh, is there anything better?

Speaker 2 Is there anything better than the fucking

Speaker 2 the pissed-off comic book reader with the direction that taking the story?

Speaker 2 You like that fucking Dolores Claiborne, whatever the fucking name is, Misery, whatever the hell her name was.

Speaker 2 This isn't how it should end.

Speaker 2 What else are they supposed to do? He's been a good guy for 100 fucking years, and I'm going to tell you right now, you fucking comic book.

Speaker 2 Am I even going to read the rest of this? You guys have,

Speaker 2 you know, out of respect, I'll read the last few sentences here. He goes, I'm not a staunch Republican.

Speaker 2 The fuck did my screen go? I'm not a staunch Republican or a wild Southerner. I'm just a guy who is tired of this self-hating trend.

Speaker 2 What's with people hating tradition so much that they can't stand a hero just being a hero? Oh, I see. You went a different direction.
This is good way I read it. Okay.

Speaker 2 I think you'd like some of the newer comic titles. Pictures and words and some good stories.
Makes for an easy, stimulating read. Just don't read Captain America.
Love you. Love Nia.

Speaker 2 Congrats on the little lady. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Sir, what you're dealing with here is money.

Speaker 2 That's why they're doing it. They have exhausted every fucking possible story, storyline.
You know what I mean? Like, you remember the Brady bunch when they had to bring in Oliver?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 2 Remember, like, remember, happy days? Like, after a while, like Ron Howard,

Speaker 2 he just left. It's just like, there's nothing left to do with this character.
I'm out of here. And all of a sudden, Fonzi started wearing suits and he was teaching a mechanic class.

Speaker 2 He became a teacher.

Speaker 2 This fucking hooligan riding a motorcycle. Next thing you know, he's pulling up in a station wagon, teaching this fucking guy with blonde hair

Speaker 2 how to fucking tune a carburetor. He's actually helping them with their problems.
All of a sudden, it became like, Welcome back, Carter.

Speaker 2 It's because they were out of ideas. It had run its course.
And I hate to tell you this, but Captain America has run its fucking course.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 2 They're going to get themselves out of this.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 2 They'll do the classic thing that, you know, it wasn't actually the real Captain America. It it was fucking somebody else.
But the thing is, dude,

Speaker 2 who you should really blame is Al Gore.

Speaker 2 He's the reason that this is all going down. Because as we all know, Al Gore invented the Internet.
He said it himself. He said it himself and he said it again.
The man invented the Internet.

Speaker 2 And the Internet

Speaker 2 gave birth to fucking Napster, which gave birth to all of these things where people could watch movies and shit for free.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 2 Napster obviously was music, but the other shit. People go on Pirate Bay, they just watch all these movies for free.
So, what happened was that killed

Speaker 2 the fucking $30 million to $70 million movies. Like, they just went away.

Speaker 2 So, then everything became either super fucking cheap or a $100 million superhero fucking movie where it's like, all right, we're going to just spend all this money and people are going to go because they're going to want to see special effects

Speaker 2 at the movie screen. That's what happened.
So, and they made 9,000 of these fucking movies,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 there's nowhere else to go with them. I think they made a couple of Captain America movies, didn't they? I don't fucking know.

Speaker 2 But now, what they're gonna do is they're gonna set this up that now this guy is actually a fucking Nazi,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 and who was doing all this great stuff in America. I don't understand.
He was like saving children while spying on us. I don't know.
They're somehow going to try to explain all of that shit.

Speaker 2 I have no idea. But eventually, he's going to fight Batman.

Speaker 2 We all know that Batman has one professional fight under his belt, and he's 0 for 1.

Speaker 2 He lost to Superman.

Speaker 2 So before he gets another shot at the title, I think he has to fight somebody else. Who's he going to fight? It can't be Lex Luther and fucking the octopus guy.
I mean, those guys, they're played out.

Speaker 2 They're all punch drunk. Spider-Man's been fucking them up for years.
They need somebody new, so this is the only way to go.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 2 I would be surprised if Vince McMahon does not sue them for this storyline because he did this with Hulk Hogan like 50 times.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 You knew Hulk Hogan was,

Speaker 2 you knew when he was the bad guy I loved because he would dye the side of his beard.

Speaker 2 He would dye that fucking black, and then he would have the fucking blonde mustache, which, by the way, I thought looked really cool. He had a great fucking Fu Manchu.
He still does.

Speaker 2 Do you ever see a guy go bald more gracefully than that? He just kept pushing it back like Richard Rowlings, and every time he did it, it was a little further back, you know?

Speaker 2 Then he started wearing the fucking

Speaker 2 scarves.

Speaker 2 It always came off. And he, I don't know, tanned his head up.
He looked great. Neil, wouldn't you say that?

Speaker 2 Hulk Hogan went bald very gracefully, wouldn't you say?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You don't think so?

Speaker 2 What's wrong with you today? I feel like you don't like me.

Speaker 2 I mean, part of being married, some days you're not going to like me. I feel like that's one of these days.
No, fine.

Speaker 2 I don't understand how you're so loud with slippers on.

Speaker 2 That's why I don't like you.

Speaker 2 Oh, she just said that's why I don't like you. All right.
Princess Kate finds parenting hard.

Speaker 2 Well, I imagine when they try to play hide-and-go-seek in that castle, it's going to take forever. Hey, Bill, get a load of this crap.

Speaker 2 Kate Middleton, a fucking princess, princess, did a speech in which she says she finds it hard being a mom. Now, I'm sure she has a busy schedule, but for Christ's sake, she has servants.
I know.

Speaker 2 She doesn't even have nannies. She has servants.
She may have one of the easiest jobs in the entire world. She wasn't born to royalty.
She married into it.

Speaker 2 So all she needs to do is not be a cunt for the next 50 to 75 years, stay married, and she's all set. Attached is a link to her full speech.
You can listen to it if you care to listen to it.

Speaker 2 I'm not listening to that shit. She's trying to promote mental health awareness, which is nice.
But did she really need to try to tell us that she finds parenting difficult?

Speaker 2 Huge fan from Newfoundland, Canada. Thanks, and don't forget to go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, you know, this is the thing. When a kid comes into your life,

Speaker 2 there's an adjustment period. So she was sitting there getting fanned by feathers and all of that shit, right? Having somebody bring her a little Dagwood sandwich.

Speaker 2 She's sitting on, you know, the Louis XV fucking, I don't know, Ottoman. Is that a word? Is that a piece of furniture? It is, isn't it? Or is that an empire?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then all of a sudden the kids are there and she has to pretend to give a fuck about it. You know,

Speaker 2 I think it just makes her photo shoots more difficult.

Speaker 2 What does she name her kids? They probably gave him some old white guy name like Winston

Speaker 2 Ebenezer the fucking 19th or some shit.

Speaker 2 I have to be honest with you. Like, that has to be the most boring fucking life you could ever fucking live.

Speaker 2 Being a fucking princess. At least when you're a prince, you know, you get to, that fucking guy goes around, he flies helicopters, he was in the goddamn army.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Goes out, he does shit, right? Hangs out with the boys, he's smoking cigars. What do you do as a princess? Once you're fucking married, You know, you rode down on the white horse, you had your fucking

Speaker 2 your wedding, right? Everybody shows up, you know, all the women in the crowd giving you the evil eye because they wanted to be a princess, all the haters.

Speaker 2 You know, there's nothing good about that ride-in, you know, because it's either going to be haters or people just sobbing because that dream's never going to happen for them.

Speaker 2 So that's all you see is people staring fucking daggers at you next to fatties and fucking weirdos, like,

Speaker 2 she's so beautiful.

Speaker 2 I would think it would be hard to be a princess.

Speaker 2 The mind-numbingly boring fucking life that you're going to live, you know, to the to the fuck, this is when you know you're bored, is when you've you promote a cause.

Speaker 2 You know, you're so fucking bored, you have to go out and help somebody.

Speaker 2 You're so fucking all set. There's nothing, what the f- There's nothing to do.

Speaker 2 You know, there's nothing. You got everything you fucking want.
It's, it's, yeah, the end. Game over.

Speaker 2 Now what do you do? Now you got to fucking, you got to go down to some third world country and start installing plumbing or some shit.

Speaker 2 You have to do something.

Speaker 2 Either that or you just fucking, you just become like one of those Dudley Moore characters. You just get shit-faced every day.

Speaker 2 That's what I would do. Take up like archery and shit.
I'd just be in the backyard just fucking shooting stuff,

Speaker 2 walking around with some fucking ridiculous cognac. I would be such a piece of shit, you know?

Speaker 2 I really would be.

Speaker 2 Can you get written out of the will? Can you get unfucking princed,

Speaker 2 ex-princed or something like that, excommunicated from that? That's exactly how I would do. Oh my God.
I would have all the fucking sports packages. I'd go to all the fucking games.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't give a shit either.

Speaker 2 I would be fucking ridiculously blowing the money. And like, that would be my goal in life.
Like, how overt can I be with the English tax people's money?

Speaker 2 What am I trying to say? The English taxpayers' money. There you go.

Speaker 2 You ever seen somebody like dyslexic when they're just talking? You think I'm trying to read this shit? Like, always flip words around.

Speaker 2 And by all means, all of you who aren't doctors, please diagnose me and tell me what sort of fish oil I now need to take to cure it.

Speaker 2 That's what I would do. I would just like,

Speaker 2 my goal would be: by the time I'm 42, I want them to,

Speaker 2 I could easily do that.

Speaker 2 I could easily do that. I could get ex-fucking, you know, you're no longer a duke.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what would be great? You know what'd be great? The people would actually love you. And once they were done hating you, the second you walked into a pub, you have no more security anymore.

Speaker 2 You just come walking in.

Speaker 2 And they're like, Yeah, well, you really fucked that one up, didn't you? You cut. You'd be like, Yeah, I did.
I had a great time, though. The fuck was I supposed to do? I was living in a castle.

Speaker 2 You'd fucking, you know, that would be it. The next thing you know, you're sitting in the bleachers, right?

Speaker 2 In the fucking pit at the footy games, just being a regular guy, getting fucking hammered, eating fish and chips, and just laughing, just laughing at how bad you fucked up your life and all those fucking sad sacks.

Speaker 2 They'd love you.

Speaker 2 Anyways, fat yoga instructor, hey, Billy Red Sack.

Speaker 2 I don't know why that struck me so funny. I mean, I see it every day.
You'd think that that would be an old joke.

Speaker 2 I work out here in LA as a personal trainer and teach some yoga classes here and there.

Speaker 2 I've been teaching yoga at this studio for over four years and I got this fat-ass cunt for a manager.

Speaker 2 Bill, she's got to be 80 pounds overweight and despite being around all this healthy lifestyle, she has done nothing to improve herself. I'm talking donuts and cookies.

Speaker 2 I fucking love this person.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. I love both of these people.
I love that you're calling her out for being fat or him out. And I love that this person's sitting there fucking eating donuts in a yoga,

Speaker 2 a yoga shop? What do you call it? Studio. A studio.
A dojo?

Speaker 1 Crib.

Speaker 2 I'm talking donuts and cookies in the studio lobby around people that are there to avoid these temptations. That's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 Anyways, I've kept my mouth shut for years, but recently we had our annual class review where the manager comes and sees how

Speaker 2 your class is put together

Speaker 2 and how you are with the students, etc.

Speaker 2 This whale couldn't even get through the first 15 minutes. She was beached on her mat belly.

Speaker 2 She was beached on her mat belly up, gulping fucking water. Oh, she went into, yeah, she went into whale pose.

Speaker 2 Then afterwards, she had the nerve to criticize my class that it wasn't challenging enough.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 2 And you didn't say anything?

Speaker 2 Okay, this is their reason the the grudge is being held. Okay, I should say the reason.
The reason the grudge is being held is that my annual raise was a mere 30 cents.

Speaker 2 And I wonder if that criticism affected it.

Speaker 2 Give me that Billy Burr philosophy on the situation. Love the podcast.
Congratulations on the baby. It was great hearing her on the podcast the other day.

Speaker 2 Go fuck yourself, fire nips.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Really coming at me with the fucking redhead shit today, aren't you?

Speaker 2 I think the whole thing is fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 I got to ask you something. All right.
You've been doing this shit there

Speaker 2 for over four years.

Speaker 2 Why don't you eventually start your own thing

Speaker 2 at this point? You know?

Speaker 2 Get out from that. This is what, you know what I would do if I was you? Get in her good graces, man.

Speaker 2 You know? Just start bringing her donuts. I bring her fudge.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 And just, you know, I don't know if the cops could prove it, but just kill her. Kill her with what she loves.
Kill her with kindness. Okay, there you go.
Kill her with kindness. Just keep

Speaker 1 what you got to do.

Speaker 2 Okay, this is the thing about those fatties is that they can handle donuts, all right? But I'm telling you right now, nobody can handle fudge. Fudge is like, it's like

Speaker 2 almost 100% sugar.

Speaker 2 It's like a solid form of cotton candy with like chocolate in it. I mean, it is fucking, you can't even eat it.
like your whole face puckers up

Speaker 2 This is what you do you come in and you make a tray of fudge All right, you cut a piece out. This is what you do, okay?

Speaker 2 You cut a fucking piece out All right, and just you know give it to the birds or some shit, right? I think sugar is good for them. I can't remember.
It's either good or it kills them either way.

Speaker 2 Just give it to the fucking birds, right?

Speaker 2 Then you bring the fudge in there. So now it looks like somebody already took a piece, so she's not going to feel guilty.
And I guarant fucking to you. I guarantee you.

Speaker 2 You do that, and the sugar's going to fuck with their joints. All right.
Then you come in with some bacon, some sandwiches. You just keep going.
Sugar salt, sugar, salt, sugar, salt, okay?

Speaker 2 And just, you know, that 30 cents they should have given you, you take another 30 cents out of your fucking check every goddamn hour, all right?

Speaker 2 And you put it towards giving this person food that'll slowly kill them. There you go.

Speaker 2 Or

Speaker 2 you get a new job.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I just think killing her would be funnier. All right.
Disowning your daughter. Hey, Billy Bathgates,

Speaker 2 would you ever disown your daughter if she brought home a dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot hack comic?

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus. Think of the hackiest type of comic you can think of.
And in the future, she brought him home talking about how she loves him and how he's the funniest comic ever.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 He's got a YouTube channel, tells jokes with the lampshade on his head, etc.

Speaker 2 She asks you what you think of him.

Speaker 2 You tell her he's a hack. She gets mad at you, tells you you don't understand him, and now he's funnier than you.

Speaker 2 Would you disown her and tell her she can't bring the hack into his house? No, no. Joke thief.
Yeah, joke thief. He can't come into the house.
He can't come into my house as a fucking joke thief.

Speaker 2 This is what I would do. You know what? Even if he stole fucking jokes, I know he's going to get caught and people are going to call him out on it.
I wouldn't say anything. All right?

Speaker 2 Because I'll tell you this. I've seen how that goes down when you say you don't like somebody that your kid likes.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And then there's all those in-love problems. All right?

Speaker 2 This is your job as a parent is you got to trust your kid's decision-making. All right?

Speaker 2 They love the guy.

Speaker 2 You just got to go with it. You know what I mean? And then if they get divorced, you can't be like, hey, you know, I was, you know, because why did you fucking say something? Because you'd hate me.

Speaker 2 Jesus, why would you bring that up? I'm just, I'm three months into this. I want to enjoy my

Speaker 2 daughter growing up. Jesus Christ, you already got me

Speaker 2 pictured being at the fucking wedding.

Speaker 2 You know, the guy would have some fucking crazy-colored fucking bow tie, the cumber bun.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Jesus Christ, what a way to end.

Speaker 2 By the way, how about the Celtics? I'm coming back winning two games. How lucky do we get with Rondo going down?

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. By the way, he pulled off a short-sleeved suit.
I don't know how he did it. He actually fucking looked cool.

Speaker 2 I think you had to have a cast on to make it work, though.

Speaker 2 Like he did. He fucked up his thumb or some shit.
All right, Patrice.

Speaker 2 Dear Billy Big Tits. Hey, I'm losing weight, you cunts.
Found this on YouTube. Almost shit myself laughing.
Thought you'd appreciate this. Some classic Patrice.
Hope you enjoy and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 I will definitely retweet this.

Speaker 2 Thank you for sending that in.

Speaker 2 You know, it's always great that people are still watching his shit. And I'm always talking about him and that type of stuff.
It keeps his comedy alive.

Speaker 2 I know that's all cliched stuff, but like I was talking to.

Speaker 2 I was actually talking to Bartnick and Andrew last night about him in the green room. And I was just talking, just saying how

Speaker 2 just what a fucking, just still, still, like, crater, comedy fucking crater.

Speaker 2 What a fucking loss that was, man. It's just, that guy was so much, he was so much better than all of us.
It was fucking ridiculous. And

Speaker 2 I'm telling you,

Speaker 2 even as great as Elephant in the Room is, I'm telling you, he's,

Speaker 2 he effortlessly, his next special would have been at least fucking 30% funnier than that one. That's the trajectory that that guy was on.

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 ah, fucking kills me, man. Fucking kills me.
So, anyways, that's the podcast for this week. I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Speaker 2 Please check out Return of the Mac. The first couple episodes.
It's streaming on something. I don't fucking know anymore.

Speaker 2 Very funny. And my apologies to Joe McIntyre for standing you up last week.
I really fucked that up. And he couldn't, you know what's the worst part? He was totally cool about it.

Speaker 2 He goes, no, no worries, brother. Fucking don't worry about it.
And all that. That was the worst.
I was like, can you at least be mad at me?

Speaker 2 Something? All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.