the Patriots, Rob Reiner, Judgmental Friends | Monday Morning Podcast 12-16-25

Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.
I promise you're gonna laugh.

I am an immigrant.

Are there any other immigrants here?

Okay, what you can do is point at someone else.

Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Terms apply.

Okay, Robin Hood.

You know, nobody knows your money goals better than you. Robinhood puts you in control of your money with tools that work as hard as you do.

Looking in on everything.

What?

Locking in on every opening. Jesus, Bill.
Beating your PR, beating it again, channel that drive into your money. Robinhood puts you in control of your money.

Trade stocks and ETFs, option futures, and crypto all in one platform. You can now build and execute your own trades from a desktop with Robinhood's legendary,

well, Legends advanced tools. Dude, I wouldn't know how to do any of this shit.
Or take advantage of the new Robinhood strategies with a tailored portfolio managed by a team of experts.

You expect more from yourself. Expect more from your money.
Get started today at robinhood.com/slash your money.

That's why

our money. Again, that's Robinhood.com/slash your money.
Your money, your move. Disclosure: all investments involve risk, including loss of principal.

Options, futures, and crypto trading carry significant risks and may not suit all investors. Securities offered throughout Robinhood Financial LLC members SIPC.

Future trading is offered by Robinhood Derivatives LLC and not SPIC or FDIC Protected. Crypto offered through Robinhood Crypto, LLC, parentheses, NMLS ID 1702840, parenthesis.

Not FDIC or SIPC protected portfolio management offered by Robinhood Strategies on SEC Registered Advisor and SEC Registered Advisor. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 15th, 2025. What's going on, how?

Ah, yeah.

How's it going, man?

I hope everything's going good with you. Oh, Billy, Billy Freckles.
Oh, little Bill. Lil' Billy, the Christmas miracle.
Two weeks. Two weeks.
I haven't lost my shit.

I haven't lost my temper in two weeks. I'm on the other side of it.
I have a journal.

I wake up. I do my breathing.
I write down what I'm feeling. Leaving the door open.

Leaving the door open. I'm going to have access to all the feelings.
So I have options for the first time in my life.

Yeah, it's been unreal. Unreal.

Fucking mind-boggling.

The amount of shit that I have handled in the last couple of weeks that would have made me lose my mind, and I'm not doing it anymore.

Like, I'll tell you something that would have made me lose my mind, watching the Patriots go up 21-0 against the Buffalo Bills,

only to watch the halftime adjustment shut us down

in the second half. What was it? 24, it was 24-7 at the half, and it ended up 35-31

as the Bills came roaring back. And

I'm still not bothered by this. I still think we have a really, really like

great team. I mean, that Henderson kid, good Lord, he's a superstar.
Stevenson's been crushing it. Like, we have a really legit running game.

We're not fumbling the ball anymore.

I don't know. I just think we jumped on them and then there was just too much time left.
They came back. I mean,

it was against the Buffalo Bills. What the Bills did yesterday is what they should have been doing all year.
So I don't know if they haven't been healthy or whatever.

And we already beat them this year. So the odds of beating them twice.

We're still like a young team. And,

you know, where we were last year versus now,

that loss yesterday doesn't bother me. And I thought that we,

you know, we're hanging with the big dogs in the league.

Although it took, Jesus, didn't it feel like it took till like the end of November for you to start thinking like

maybe this team's good? I don't know. I was starting to think, oh, all right, Seattle.
And then they played the Colts and then they had a really close game.

I mean, how did you not root for Phillip Rivers?

I mean, that's unbelievable.

I know that he played professional football up until 2020, but to not play it for five years and get up off the couch and you got 10 kids and just go out there and start taking hits again and throwing the ball around, that was

really impressive.

Really impressive. So

anyway,

yeah, a lot of things to like. Our receiving core.
Drake May is great. Our coach is great.
Our defense is great.

And

I like where we're at. I actually think that we are in,

you know, two to three years.

You know, if they keep making the choices they're making with this crew, that why the hell couldn't we win another one?

This is not what I have been thinking since Tom Brady left. So I am thrilled as a Patriots fan, as much as that fucking, for whatever reason,

happy Boston sports fans is not what.

I don't know. I get it, though.
I get it. You know,

it's just, it's how human beings are. They don't like seeing success unless it's happening to them.
Generally speaking, that's how human beings are. So Boston was doing really well in sports.

So next thing, you know, everybody hates you.

I was watching this true crime thing with my lovely wife, my lovely, lovely wife. And

it was this, about this famous murder that I hadn't,

I didn't hear, I had, I forget the names.

I should look this up.

Yeah, it was Mickey and Trudy Thompson. This amazing couple.
And they were

just, I don't know, they were just meant for each other and they were like killing it on the racetrack. And then Mickey got into business and he was killing it.
And then there was this other guy.

I'm not even going to say his name because fuck that.

All right. These fucking mass shooters, they put their faces and names.
Fuck all of these. Fuck these people that do bad shit.
You should know the victim's name. So fuck the guy that did it.

Anyways, he was doing something with like motorcycles and they tried to get in business together. And Mickey was a good guy.
The other piece of shit was a piece of shit and he wasn't paying people.

So Mickey gets out of business with him.

And I don't know, things go south. And then this fucking guy,

this fucking guy, he hires these two guys to go there and fucking, you know, this perfect couple. He hires them to murder the dude's wife in front of him and then kill the husband.

It was one of the most brutal things I've ever seen. And it took him forever to get the guy.

It was, you know, one of those lighthearted things that women like to watch before bed.

It's, I always wanted to, you know, SNL did a sketch about that, how they watch like true crime before they go to bed. And I want to be like, you know,

like, Nia, do you ever watch anything settling before you go to bed? Does everything have to be like this level of like,

you know, right after the verdict, they just like drift off to sleep. And I'm just laying there going, like, that's one of the worst things I've ever heard of in my life.

Anyway, but the world seems to reward people like that i know it's just been it was just a dark weekend i'll tell you what's wild though is um

the narcissism

uh first of all the mental illness that we have had for the last nine years running this country is really astounding and i am amazed at people who are so into politics that they just refuse to see it if it's wearing the color tie that they root for.

I've seen it on both sides, so I'm not attacking either side, but like, dude, I mean, how you make

what happened this weekend,

how you politicize it and then make it like

these people died because they weren't fans of you as a leader is one of like

that's one of the most narcissistic fucking things

ever. And this is the thing that makes me really,

you know, I've come back where I'll believe in a higher power.

If that's what you're into, but like to believe in one that actually cares.

Like if it's actually a loving entity, why would it create narcissists and mouth-breathing morons?

Why would you do that? Like, what would that do for everyone stuck in the middle of that?

I have to be honest with you, like that fucking comment for me is enough to be like, this person

should be removed.

And whoever's next in line should be stuck in.

The same way, like, you know, just before all you fucking lunatics get all your butt hurt, get your red panties in a bunch.

Like when the last guy would be like mid-sentence, the president of the United States, and lose his fucking train of thought, and you'd see the panic.

He started wearing like sunglasses, so you couldn't fucking

trying to hide. Like, I just don't understand it.
I just don't.

At what point, like, what does somebody have to do in the last nine years of this shit that I've watched? What does somebody have to do

to like be deemed

not mentally stable enough

to run a nation? nation

evidently, we haven't gotten there yet. We have, and I'll tell you: if we didn't get there with the last guy,

if we didn't get there with the fucking last guy, we're never going to get there with this guy. It is just like,

I mean, that

train of thought is just

batshit,

batshit fucking crazy.

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.
I don't pretend to know how these things fucking work.

But

so that was,

I guess, you know, that was the weekend. That's what happened.
And in the middle of all of this,

I

took one of my kiddos to Disneyland.

And

I don't think I've ever, it was one of my favorite days as a dad. I was walking around the park going like, wait, am I a Disney dad? Am I actually enjoying this?

And there was so much stuff that, like, I don't know, now that I'm on the other side of this shit.

And I'm just saying that because I know there's a lot of angry people that listen to this podcast. It's how you gravitate it here.
You can get out of it. I don't know,

took me for fucking ever, but

there was so much shit that normally would have like pissed me off. And I was able to just glide through it and just see the absurdity of it and laugh at it as opposed to like

getting upset and um

you know i had a blast standing in the lines fucking you know eating the shitty food oh my god i ate a fucking i can tell you what to avoid

that pizza place near fucking space mountain oh my god

It takes a lot to offend me as a stand-up comedian, but the fact that they were calling that pizza, you know, I got a lot of friends, okay?

I got a lot of friends who are Italian, all right? And for them to be able to, you know, you might want to pay them a visit. It was, it was like,

the pizza was like, it was like two people who didn't know how to cook came together.

Like the dough was too like bready and doughy. And then the top, the sauce and the cheese were like one.

It wasn't like the cheese pulled away from the sauce it was just it was like remember when they used to put peanut butter and jelly in the same jar

it was like the pizza topping version of that and then somehow they had pepperoni on top of it and I ate that shit dude and I will say the the one positive thing that I can say is I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day I literally felt Like I ate like, I don't know, I don't know what, like a half a crock.

It didn't even feel like food. But having said that,

I have not been on Space Mountain in 40 years.

We took two family vacations

during my childhood, like back-to-back years.

We had never taken one until I was like 14 and we went to like Washington, D.C.

Which looking back, that, you know, I still had a good time seeing all like the Lincoln Memorial, the White House. I actually stood outside

when we went there and

wait, who was president?

It was Reagan. Reagan was president

in Anwar Sadat was making a speech and this was like months before or a year before he was assassinated.

And

I remember going to the Smithsonian all that. And then the next time we went last second,

my dad had some some business meeting in Florida.

And the last second, he decided to take us down there and then go to Disneyland and go to that alligator farm, you know, where you walk into the alligator's mouth, that famous one.

And we went down there and I rode Space Mountain. Scared the shit out of me.

And,

I mean, that was high-tech roller coaster. And it was in the dark.
And the only thing I had been to at that point was like a carnival, like in the church parking lot.

So they didn't really, they had no room for like a real roller coaster so that was my first one so I hadn't ridden that thing in like 40 years

and um

you know I got on it with my kiddo and uh

and I had like I know it's crazy I don't like fucking roller coasters like I'm one of those people like I make weird faces and my stomach drops and I just don't fucking like it and now that I have like learned like how to breathe from my diaphragm I actually was like super calm and as we were going down the first big drop, I just inhaled into my diaphragm and my stomach didn't drop at all.

And it was actually kind of enjoyable. And I was like, oh,

I was doing the fight or flight in the top of my chest.

Like,

like, I would never go and look at my face, the picture after, because I knew I looked like a fucking lunatic. So.

You know, we did all of the rides over there,

Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain, all the mountains.

One weird one that was like a virtual reality one that made you feel like you were on a roller coaster, but you weren't, which was the dumbest thing ever to me because it's like, there's actual roller coasters here.

Why don't we go on those? Let's see if we were like in a part, in a state where roller coasters were illegal, so you had to do like a virtual one. And none of it made sense.

But I was

happy and light the whole day. And my my kid, like, I don't know how many times, just randomly was hugging me, saying this was the best day ever.

And

then we went over to that California Adventures, whatever the hell it's called,

which is basically like walking into the Lightning McQueen movie.

The Radiator Springs ride was awesome. That goofy one was, I don't know about that one.
That one looks like it needed some WD-40. That one looked like

a death was coming soon on that ride. I also lost my sunglasses on that one.
And then the last one was we went on the

Increda Coaster, which I kept calling the Increda Roaster. I don't know why.
Incredit Coaster.

And

that was like,

that was a legit fucking roller coaster with a... 360 loop and all of that type of stuff.
And my kid did great on it.

And it was just awesome. The whole day was awesome.

And I didn't lose my shit once. I was totally calm.
And later on that night, we stayed there. And I got like 40 like random

hugs from my kid after, like totally chill. And I'm like, oh, my God, I did it.
Or I'm doing it is what I should say.

Because I was joking with my wife today when I was saying, like, me not being angry is like, I'm two weeks in.

I'm like that person that joins a gym January 1st like I'm fucking doing it every day this year man and then by February you know I'm fucking back to eating cheeseburgers but

I can't go back I can't go back so I'm committed to this man

anyway but I'm going

I'm going down

I'm gonna go try to do a spot somewhere tonight because I got Cerritos

Cerritos coming up just east of northeast of Long Beach where I learned how to fly.

I got a gig coming up down that way, which I'm really excited about. And I got to make sure that, you know, I don't suck.

So,

and I got all this new material

about undoing all of this shit. And it's been fun.
And I've had people coming up to me being like, hey, man, thanks for talking about that. So that makes me feel good.

By the way, I apologize for the sound here.

I can't find my fucking microphone. I know it's around here somewhere.

but uh hopefully uh by thursday this week how'd you guys like that freddie spencer interview huh how crazy was what that guy accomplished um

thought i i was trying to ask him some different questions my favorite thing when i was asking him like oh well what what do you dream about

like as a as a guy who races motorcycles at the top level back when you could like you could die at any second

And I just loved his answer. I thought it was going to be like, you know, dreaming of crashing and dying and, you know, waking up in cold sweats.

And he would dream that, you know, the race was about to start and he couldn't get his racing leathers on.

Like the kind of stress dream you would have if you had to do like a presentation in an office. He has the exact same stress dreams, except he's going to ride a motorcycle 200 miles an hour.

I really enjoyed talking to him. and how excited he still was about riding motorcycles and you know potentially teaching me and how much he likes teaching other people like his passion for it um

one of my favorite things in the world is to meet people um

my age a little bit younger or older that still have like a passion

you know and want to help out younger people and they're still into learning and that type of thing I mean that's how you stay alive so it was so awesome I want to thank him and all his people for getting that thing together to come on the podcast.

It was really fucking cool.

Anyway,

having said that, old Billy Jimrat, I have almost lost my whole belly.

Billy Belly, no more.

But I've been so fucking busy. I've been dying

to go for a ride or fucking

go fly. And I haven't been able to do it, you know, in a good way.
I got a little busy with my fucking work this week, but...

I got to make some time for that. Me and Dean Del Rey want to ride up to Ojai.
That's like the next ride we want to do. And

like I said, we do surface streets. We go like back roads and we do it during the week when there's like nobody on the fucking road.

And it's been a good time. And they got these new vests you can buy that I'm getting that they have like a

built-in

airbag,

like the Moto GP shit. And I'm like,

and this is another thing too, like with technology, it's like, why isn't that for your whole fuck? Why doesn't it do the legs too? Like, why is it just the torso?

They always do that. Like, you know, that they have the technology to do the pants too, but they're just going to be like, no, we'll just have them get the vest first.
And then

we'll have the pants, but the pants will come with the vest. So then they have to buy it again.
And they just sit around fucking doing that shit.

It's like all this information now that they find out like these this wireless technology with headphones surprise, surprise.

It's not good for a signal to be beamed from something next to your brain up to outer space and back down to you again. And

you know that they knew this from fucking day one, and they just pay people off. It just

kills me

that

regular people, we can't somehow

focus on these things.

Like, I bet there was more people talking about, like,

commenting on what the narcissist, how he somehow, like, this is when you know you're a narcissist. When somebody gets

a couple gets brutally murdered by their own son, you somehow figure out a way to shoehorn yourself into that equation so people are talking about you. I mean, it's fucking amazing.

It's really amazing.

I think narcissists are like influencers in the most

purest form.

I feel like influencers have to strategize how to get themselves into the zeitgeist or whatever they say, where a narcissist is just natural. They just know what to say to bring the fucking thing

around to themselves.

By the way, anybody who's a fan of this guy, if you can somehow justify that fucking statement,

this has been one of my favorite things the last nine years is I just, when I

think I'm stating the obvious, like this guy has mental problems.

Be it the person on the right or the left, I cannot get somebody who votes either way

like staunchly, hardcore, to own up.

What they usually do is just bring up somebody else.

You know, will Obama, Will Biden, or Will Trump, will Bush, they just do that. It's like, no, I'm not talking, I'm talking about the guy right in front of us who just said the shit.
Like,

how does that not concern you?

They won't budge. They will not budge.

Anyway, my condolences

to Rob and Michelle Reiner.

Rob Reiner, just an absolute

juggernaut of a talent.

Whatever side of the camera or writer or whatever he was doing, he just

and for so many decades at just such a high level. And,

you know, on All in the Family, which is one of the greatest sitcoms of all time,

the Archie Bunker meathead relationship was just it just was like it was comedy gold.

And

I grew up watching that stuff. So, and I grew up watching his movies, Spinal Tap,

you know, when Harry Met Sally, all of these things.

And

as much as I loved his directing and his writing and everything, I really missed him as an actor because I just thought he was so naturally funny and that he was one of those guys who didn't have to try.

He could just literally say the line.

And

it's just, it's such a frigging tragedy.

And then, of course,

you know, these mass shootings and stuff. I just don't know why they keep showing the face in the name of the shooter.

Like, why do you, this is, I, haven't people way smarter than me figured out that this is why some of these people, kids do this shit?

Why would you keep doing it? It's like,

you know why they're doing it for the money.

You know, so then they can turn it into like some sort of fucking Netflix series. It's just, it's fucking, like, capital.
You got to give it up to capitalism. Like, I don't give a fuck.

Terrorist attack. I don't give a fuck what it is.
I don't care how tragic it is. They'll figure out

merch, at the very least, merch.

Where a portion of the proceeds goes to help the victims. Yeah, where does the other portion go?

Anyway,

let's get to the reads for the week. Mizzen and Maine, everybody.

How long have you been shopping with them? What items did you recently receive? What's your favorite item? What does it feel like?

Why do you love their clothing? Oh, this was all for me.

You know what the saying? Okay, this is what they do. They make really comfortable clothing.
Mizzen and Maine. You know the saying, look good, feel good?

The problem is, most dress clothes only check one of those boxes.

Sure, they look sharp,

but they're stiff, hot, high maintenance, which makes it hard to actually feel comfortable. I hate nice clothes because of that.
Anything you lean up against, you're like, oh,

you know, and then also, if it's like high quality for some fucking reason, right? Like a sweater or something like that.

You lean up against a smooth surface and when you come off it, somehow you've pulled a thread out. And the whole thing comes undone.
It feels like that, right?

Hey, let's dress up and go out and get something to eat. You can't do it.

That's why I'm such a fan of Mizin and Maine. Let's be honest.
Most dress clothes are uncomfortable, high maintenance. I already said this.

Imagine this.

Imagine this, a crisp, comfortable white dress shirt you can wear every day of the week. Gross, without constant washes or endless trips to the dry cleaner.

That's exactly what Mizen and Maine delivers. Mizin and Maine makes classic menswear with performance fabrics so it's effortless to look shop and feel great.

Mizin and Maine actually invented the performance fabric dress shirt over 10 years ago. And since then, they've perfected it with modern fabrics.

Miz and Maine's shirts and pants look refined, yet they're stretchy, lightweight, moisture-wicking, wrinkle-resistant, and completely machine-washable. No ironing or dry cleaning.

When you put their clothes on, you'll feel the difference instantly. Professional style that's actually comfortable, whether you're in the office, on the road, or even out on the golf course.

It's timeless style you can invest in once and enjoy for years.

That's why thousands of guys swear by Mizin in Maine. It's a great name, by the way.

When they want to look great without the hassle, man. Right now, Mizin and Maine is offering our listeners 20% off your first purchase at Mizinandmane.com promo code Burr20.

That's Mizin, spelled M-I-Z-Z-E-N and Maine. M-A-I-N.com, promo code BUR20 for 20% off.
Mizininmaine.com, promo code Burr20.

All right, who's next?

Who are you? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, wait.
And if you'd rather shop in person, you can find Mizin in Maine stores in selected states. Okay.

The next one.

Simply Safe. You know, if you could stop somebody from breaking in before they got inside, why wouldn't you? Most old school systems go after someone's...

after someone's already in your place. That's too late.
Simply Safe is different. It's proactive with a double layer of defense that stops crimes before they start.

First, AI-powered cameras spot potential threats outside. Then live agents step in, talking to the person through the camera.
You don't want to do this, man.

Letting them know they're on video and police will be dispatched if they don't leave. They can even trigger a loud siren or spotlight.
That's how you help to stop a crime before it starts.

There are no long-term contracts or hidden fees you can cancel anytime. Name best home security system by U.S.
News and World Report, five years running.

60-day money-back guarantee, so you can try it and see the difference for yourself. This month, well, what the fuck? What if nobody breaks into your house after 60 days?

What do you do? You go out to a bar and start talking really loudly about the gold bars you have in your basement

to try and get someone to break in so you can try it out. This month only take 50% off any new system.

50% off. Any new system.
This is one of the best prices you will ever see for Simply Safe. Don't miss it.
Hit simplysafe.com slash Burr. B-U-R-R.

Again, that's simply safe.com slash burr and lock in your discount. There's no safe

like Simply Safe.

All right. Oh, last one.
Here we go. Robin Hood.

What if?

What if I told you? What if sports were traded like markets? Now you can't put your sports IQ to work in real time with Rob.

Oh, now you can put your sports IQ to work in real time with Robinhood Predictions Market.

It's not you against the house, it's you participating in a live market. You can buy or sell your positions live all game long.
Use your sports knowledge in the moments that matter.

This is like stock trading against sports betting. Robinhood prediction markets change the game.
It's people moving the action. So when the momentum shifts, you can move with it.

I always knew the game, but never had a dynamic way to apply that knowledge. Is that supposed to be me? Now I can take, okay, now I can take part live and a market powered by people.

You're no longer just a spectator, play by play. You decide.
Now available across the U.S. Download the Robinhood app now to begin.

Futures and cleared swaps trading involves significant risk and is not appropriate for everyone.

Event contracts are offered by Robinhood Derivatives, LLC, a registered futures commission merchant, and swap firm.

I'm gonna be honest with you guys, I have no idea what the fuck I just read.

Like, wait a minute, I'm on the sidelines. Now I'm actually making decisions on what? The game?

Is that why Pete Carroll did what he did a few weeks ago? Is that because somebody fucking

said I need you to cover? I don't know.

Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.
I promise you're gonna laugh. I am an immigrant.

Are there any other immigrants immigrants here?

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

My thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.
Terms apply.

You're entitled to your money back when flight and hotel prices drop. Axel makes sure you always get paid.
And it all happens automatically.

Axel finds price drops and works with airlines and hotels to get your money back. Most members save more than $300 a year.
Membership is just $35 a year and you're guaranteed to save more than that.

If you don't, you get a full refund. Axel makes sure you never miss an opportunity to save on travel.
Visit helloaxel.com/slash pod to start saving today. Original idea for natural born killers.

By the way, I watched this.

I watched this movie last week and I was saying,

I hadn't seen it since it came out.

And having re-watched it I realized that it's a romantic comedy with just a high body count it's actually I feel like initially this movie was offered to Hugh Grant he turned it down and then when they got you know

Juliet Lewis and Woody Harrelson they go all right let's change the tone of this but let's keep the love story because America loves a happy ending

All right, dear Bill the Buddha Burr, you recently talked about re-watching Natural Born Killers and how the social commentary on media exploitation of violence is plaguing our society.

Why do I always do that? Hang on a second. I gotta scroll back down again.

I'm not sure if you're aware, but Quinton wrote that script as the first half of a screenplay called The Open Road. Open Road, but his agent convinced him to split it into two.

The second half became true romance. I did not know that.

He was forced to sell both scripts to fund Reservoir Dogs, so he never got to execute his vision of the movie, which was completely different from what Oliver Stone did.

I do remember Quentin Tarantino getting into a physical altercation with somebody

connected with true romance.

I mean, they're all great movies. I mean,

I watch any of those movies.

Did God give a fuck?

He was for.

Okay, so he never got to execute his vision of the movie, which was completely different from what Oliver Stone did. Natural Born Killers was not supposed to be a satire or social commentary.

It was supposed to be a traditional love story, but with the couple expressing their love in a very non-traditional way, i.e. murder.

Tarantino was so unhappy with what Stone did to the script that he actually removed his name as a writing credit.

Dude, that's why Tarantino is... He's got balls.
No one knew who the fuck he was, and he took his name off a script that Oliver Stone was doing before Reservoir Dogs came out. That was...

That's amazing.

He just knew. He knew where he was going.
He knew what he was fucking doing. Anyway, if you watch True Mount Romance, that film stuck closer to what he intended for both films, and he has

publicly expressed praise for Tony Scott's direction. Oh, so maybe I had it backwards.
Anyways, hope all is well with you and the family. You should perform.

Come up to Fairbanks,

Alaska to perform. It was minus 32 degrees outside yesterday.
Ha ha, all the best, and go fuck yourself. I've only been to Alaska once, and I was there, my God.

I was probably 30 years old. I almost haven't been there in 30 years.

All right, you know what?

I just hit pause because I was trying to find that story from way back in the day with tarantino i swear to god i thought he at least got into an argument he yelled at somebody about them up his script if i remember correctly um

which i probably don't knowing me um anyway

any more like backstories you guys have on like bands or movies or sports i love all of that

Oh, by the way, me and my lovely wife were out to breakfast

this morning, my favorite thing in the world to do with my favorite person in the world.

And

sorry, my stomach is growling. I'm trying to lose weight.

Remember that George Carlin bit when you were like,

your stomach's growling, and it was saying things like, we're poor.

Anyway, we went to go pay the check and they said the check was picked up by the guys in the band Explosions in the skies so i've never met them and they did it like they they just did it and left like fucking james bond style beyond cool so thank you from to the guys in the band from me and my wife that was super fucking nice and i didn't get a chance to thank you like the fucking lone ranger so i got to do it on the podcast um

you know

fucking classy people there

uh all right sold Sold my business and lost my friends. Oh, by the way, any backstories you guys have on these

that type of stuff.

I love hearing,

I don't know. I don't know what it is, because I love all of those things.
So knowing any sort of more information about like, you know, what actually happened, like, who's that guy?

Now you know the rest of the story way back in the day on the

on the news

um

we did a parody of that on ephes for family

what was that guy's name who actually phil henry would do it on on the show but like the actual guy

he would start talking about a big historical event

on the radio and then he would go into the backstory of the whole fucking thing and then he would end it and tie the whole thing together and then like his catchphrase at the end was and now you know the rest of the story.

And what was great was there was no internet, so there was no way to fact-check what he was saying.

So then everyone would sit around and try to figure out, like, there were believers and non-believers of this guy, thinking that he was either just making this shit up.

Because it was kind of like, how the fuck did you find this out? Like, what bar are you hanging out in?

Anyway,

sold my business and lost friends. Dear Billy Boobhead,

I started a company at the age of 24 with $15,000. I earned this money on my own.
Oh, a self-made man, a woman. I love it.
I love it. While living at home and paying student loans.
Smart kid.

I didn't go to the best school

I was admitted to. I worked

part-time jobs during school and after. I worked at a car wash in the summer, and I did maintenance work.
for the city in the winter too. This is exactly what I did.

I worked my way through college, student loans, and all of that shit, and then lived at home, paid it off,

and got on with my life. The company grew slowly, and after 18 years, I sold the company to spend more time with my family.
Love that.

I missed birthdays and baseball games because I needed to be present for things to operate. The sum of money I received for the sale is significant.

I'll still be doing consulting and probably get a part-time job somewhere to keep busy. But most importantly, I'll be able to have a greater presence in my kids' lives.
All sounds great, right?

100% it does. Well, it comes to my attention that several friends of ours think that selling my business was a decision made out of greed.

Hey, welcome to the world of success, sir, or ma'am.

Yeah, they're just fucking cunts.

You know, you want to find out if you have friends or not, be successful. Be successful.
And then you'll find out who your friends are. And then what's funny is they'll say, you changed.

You know, that's the one thing I tell younger comics. I tell them, I go, you know, like, because I could have been a manager.
I'll see somebody young in their career. And I just, I see it.

I'm like, this person is fucking great. And they're going to do great things and sell a bunch of tickets.
And I always tell them, you know,

get a great lawyer. And then secondly, know this, that when you get there, you're going to lose a few friends.
Like a few of your friends are not going to be able to be around you

because they're going to view what you're now doing not as like, well, I'm going to be doing that. They view, well, you're doing it and I'm not.
So that means I'm a failure.

And then they can't fucking be around you. And then they project it onto you and say that you're somehow different.

So I'm assuming that this is what happened. They're just jealous that you fucking started a business.

And you sold it and now you can do whatever the fuck you want. Like, that's what they want to be able to do.
They should be asking you how you did that.

Anyway, comes comes to my attention that several friends of ours think that selling my business was a decision made out of greed and that I'm going to turn into a capitalist hack.

Oh, God, what do you live in? Portland, Oregon. These friends and I have never seen eye to eye on politics, but in this case, I'm not sure politics has anything to do with anything.

The main criticism is that my is that the family I sold my business to is likely to lay off a few employees. That is,

that out of 65 people I've employed over a decade, two or three part-time employees may lose their position.

None of this is certain, just speculation. The main reason being that the family that I sold my business, the family, oh, he keeps saying family, that I sold, he didn't sell it to a

business entity. Evidently, he sold to a family because twice he's capitalized every letter in family, is

not in need of bookkeepers because they currently have their own.

They intend to run the business just like I did, and I know this because I vetted their business carefully when deciding to sell to them.

I owe none of these friends an explanation despite being able to back up my decision with moral justification.

I'm thinking of just telling them all to fuck off.

Keep in mind, these friends all work for larger companies and have had paid holidays, matched 401ks, and hefty salaries. Yeah, these are garbage people.

Not only is my business none of their business, they're not even correct in their criticism. Hey, guess who knows what that's like?

Guess who knows what the fuck they, yeah, and let me guess, they created their own narrative

and they weren't even fucking there and they don't have access to any of the information. And rather than just asking you about their concerns, yeah, gee, what is that like? Dude, this is...

I don't give a fuck what business you're in. This is how it goes down.
I take umbrage with the idea that capitalizing on my hard work somehow makes me a destructive person.

And these friends have jumped from company to company, chasing higher salaries and signing bonuses.

One of these friends was laid off due to an AI initiative with...

which saw their company pivot from one area of tech to another. None of this ever had me criticizing them.
I truly hate to say this, but it's just envy that I had success. Yeah.

I mean, I'm just hearing your side of the story, but this is in fact how it went down. That's exactly what it is.

Person goes on to say, I really don't want to associate with these people anymore, so don't. Some are neighbors, and some are parents of my children's friends.
How would you handle this?

Would you acknowledge that you heard their shit talking or would you just smile and enjoy your new life i would definitely smile and enjoy my new life

but i don't think it's bad to acknowledge how you heard about their shit talking now to acknowledge how you heard about their shit talking

like the way i did it right up until a month like a month ago

like i had two confrontations one before

my sort of awakening and one after. And one, the one before didn't go as bad as

how I usually would do it when I was really angry, but it got heated.

And I said things to the person because I wanted to hurt him back, you know?

And then

after my bullshit,

I was able to convey

that this person did something that hurt me.

And I was able to kind of do it in a very matter-of-fact but light and silly way that actually had the other person sort of, you know,

at ease. Sorry, turning on the heat here, at ease with it.

And

the person was able to apologize, and I was able to accept it.

So,

having learned that, what I would do with these people is just say, you know, I got it. Can I talk to you for a second? It's come to my attention that

that possibly the fact that i sold my company has rubbed you the wrong way is there any truth to that

that's how you go about it you don't go hey i heard you've been fucking talking shit about me you fucking piece of shit by the way i always thought your wife was ugly that's not how you go in that's not how you drop in i mean you could do that but we all know how that's going to end

Yeah, if you keep your cool, you don't drop any F-bombs,

and you just,

in a matter-of-fact way just it's been called to my attention that you might have some concerns about the way i sold my company is there any truth to that and let them explain themselves at that point you don't have to talk anymore and then you can enjoy watching them squirm

and then what you do is you don't cut them out of your life that's just a lot of energy

and by cutting them out of my you know their life i mean like if they're neighbors of yours you can still say hello you can be cordial

but like hey they invite you over to the game. You're like, Yeah, no, I'm good.
I'm good. Thank you, though.
I appreciate the invite.

And they'll get they'll figure it out after a while, but just always be nice and always say hello.

And,

you know,

if they're adults, they'll in their head be like, you know what? He doesn't want to hang with me anymore because I talk shit and I fuck the relationship up. That's what an adult does.

What most people do who think they're adults will then just create some sort of narrative in their fucking head that you're the dick.

You know,

this is a great story for everybody who's on the podcast to listen to because this is,

yeah, this is what happens. You know, if you literally, you just go hit a fucking scratch ticket and you'll someone in your life that you thought was cool will have something to say about it.

And most likely they're projecting. That's something else that I learned: that I am a projecting motherfucker.

I had no idea. Like, I literally

had no idea, like, any, and I was really sensitive. And if anybody said anything, I just played out a scenario from my child.
Well, if this fucking person did that, I don't even know this person.

I would just fucking

worst case possible scenario. And I was doing it all the time.
And then it was like it happened. And then I was walking around talking to myself like a crazy person in the street

about what I was going to say when this person did this thing that they didn't even fucking do.

Insane.

Insane. So I've been on,

I've been on both sides of this. You know, when I was a young comic, I definitely was envious and jealous of

a couple of comedians.

And I hated that feeling. And I thought I didn't like them, but what it was is I didn't like that I wasn't confident.
And that was, you know, fortunately, that was only like

it was during like the first six to eight years that I did stand-up, and it probably didn't come on until like my third year.

So it lasted like about four years.

And then once I was like, you know what, I don't give a fuck. I'm just going to say what I want to say.
And I just sort of focused on what I was doing. All of that shit kind of went away but

so I don't know anyway I'm congratulations you started a business it was successful you employed people and now you're a dad and you understand that that's the most important job you're ever gonna have you're ever gonna hold and you're focusing on it and if somebody has a problem with that

that's their problem and and yeah

But you should definitely smile and enjoy your life.

But I would say something to those people. Because because if you just stop talking to them, then they'll be able to make you out to be the dick.

Now, if you don't care that they do that, which wouldn't surprise me because of the way they're treating you, then do that. But if you know, you want to,

I don't know,

it's kind of fun to approach somebody like that.

In a very calm way to be like,

it's your fucking problem, man.

All right.

Courtroom, stranger, spectators.

Oh, I talked about this. I was talking about how

that before they had this true crime, I still think that they did this. I noticed, you know, the one time I had to go to court, get arraigned, and then plea and do all of that shit,

that there was these random people,

old people, like there was this woman

doing needle point.

and it was in the summertime

I remember in the middle

of admitting to being guilty for drinking and driving

She caught my eye and I was just sort of looking at her like

She's literally here for the air conditioning and the fucking entertainment of this, you know, because I was you know this way back in the 80s where it's you know air conditioning was still a luxury

like central air like you were fucking you had if you just had like money for a window unit and you had it in your master, your master bedroom,

and all your kids could fucking sweat it out like they fucking,

you know, embezzled from a company down the hall.

All right, courtroom stranger spectators. Hey, Billy, courtroom balls.
You were talking about being in court, seeing old people you didn't know back in the day watching your court hearing.

This person says, I've been watching a lot of ancient history content and listening to the History of Rome podcast because I'm not smart enough to actually read papers and things like that.

Hey, right back at you.

Apparently, back in ancient Roman times, people in the city would go to watch cases for entertainment. Yeah, it's kind of like the first dramas on television, like before television.

This person goes on to say, as people tried to sue each other or whatever bullshit that was going on at the time or whatever one person did to the other to piss them off.

Okay, those are the cases they were watching.

Also, they had a sort, they sort of, they had sort of a patron system in the city where if you had more money than somebody else in your neighborhood, you might be making your rounds around the neighborhood and Johnny from down the street would be like, hey, Billy rich dude, you got a dollar for a friend?

And you'd be like, sure, Johnny, you're a pretty cool dude. Then you would walk down the neighborhood and see somebody richer than you and you'd be like, hey, Maximus, you got a 20 you could spare?

And they'd be like, like, sure, Billy broker than me. You're a pretty funny guy.

A patron system. That's pretty interesting.

So a lot of the same shit that goes on today was the same 2,000 years ago, except for whatever reasons, musicians, actors, comedians were considered the lowest of the low scum.

Well, I mean, I think a lot of people still think that.

I don't know why, but apparently that's how it was.

which would include me as a former musician. Well, they were probably getting the girls, the musicians.
I can see why, and actors too.

Comedians still have to work because, for whatever reason, like a musician, they don't want you to keep playing your song. But with comedians, they want you to be like funny every eight seconds.

Anyway, this person goes on to say,

This is apparently why Nero got such a bad name because he wanted to be a rock star.

I don't know who Nero is. I'm not up on my Shakespeare.
Love the podcast and go fuck yourself, comedian scum. Thanks for the laughs.
All right, I gotta look up Nero now. Hang on a second.

Okay, I think we're actually gonna learn something.

Here's a name for you:

Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus,

born Lucius Demetius Ahabanebus. Wait, was he Greek and then I don't know.
Roman emperor. Why does that seem like a Greek Germanicus?

Was a Roman emperor and the final emperor of the Julio-Claudian dynasty. Oh, was he the last one? Reigning from AD 54 until his death, AD 68.

AD 68. He literally died 1,900 years before me.
Oh my God, I hated this part of history

almost as much as ancient medieval history. All right, Nero was born.

Okay, okay. By the time Nero turned 11, his mother married Emperor Claudius, who then adopted Nero as his heir.

Upon Claudius' death in AD 54, Nero ascended to the throne with the backing of blah blah blah blah blah. In the early years of his reign, Nero was advised and guided by his mother

Agrippina,

his tutor, Seneca, and his patron perfect sextus,

Ephraius Burus, but sought to rule independently and rid himself of the restraining influences. Jesus Christ, you got the fucking cliff notes.

Early life, military

pursuits. Nero studied poetry, music, painting, and sculpture.
Wow, see, he was an artist. He took over the family business.
He both sang and played the Sithara.

I don't even know what that is.

Is that one of those little fucking

harps? You skip around with your fucking toga on? Many of these disciplines were standard education for the Roman elite. Oh, all right.

But Nero's devotion to music exceeded what was socially acceptable for the Roman of his class. Ancient sources were critical of Nero's emphasis on the arts, chariot racing, and athletics.

This guy was the man.

So the douche described Nero as an actor-emperor. Oh, I remember why, because

there was a thing back then where if you were an actor,

you were not allowed to run for political office because it was the belief that you were so good at acting that you could pretend like you were a better person

than you were.

People didn't realize at that point in time that

most people have the ability to act like they're a better person than they really are.

Anyway,

all right, I don't know what else to talk about. That is the podcast.
I'm going to watch a little Monday night football. I apologize for it being late today.
I just got caught up in some family stuff.

But thank you to everybody that bought some tickets down there in Saritos.

I'm going to get my ass on stage every night this week before this gig because I'm honing in some like the first 15 minutes of new shit that I got

on the happy side of the album as opposed to the dark side of the moon shit that I got the rest of the act. So there's going to be something for everybody.

There's going to be a little bit of hope and there's going to be a lot of darkness, but we'll see. We'll see how this

whole thing plays out. But we're coming to the end of the football season and I like my Patriots' chances.
I think that we could,

you know, I don't know, maybe we could win a playoff game and get to the AFC championship. Who knows? Anything can happen.
But like,

I don't judge anybody by their record.

Like, I know we have a better record than the Bills, but like, you know, if they're hitting their stride at the right time, I mean, they've been knocking on the door for like five fucking years, it seems.

And I think

they got a good a chance as anybody. The Chiefs are completely out of it.
Oh, my God. I didn't even realize Patrick Mahomes blew out his ACL.

Condolences to him and Chiefs fans. You know, as much as I've fucking bitched about the officiating during some of those games,

I obviously never want to see that happen. So I wish him a speedy recovery.

I mean, if any season it was going to happen, it might as well be this one where they're knocked out of the playoffs. So he has plenty of time to recover.

And he'll come back good as new. Tom Brady had the same injury, and he went on to win four more Super Bowls.
So, Chiefs fans, you're going to be all right.

All right. See, how about that? That's not bad coming from a Patriots fan.

All right. that is it.
That is the podcast. Go fuck yourselves, and I will check in on you on Thursday.
Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani.

My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu. I promise you're going to laugh.
I am an immigrant.

Are there any other immigrants here?

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Terms apply.

I needed more from my antidepressant, so my doctor added Caplita, Lumiteperone, proven to provide greater relief from depression symptoms than an antidepressant alone, building on my progress without starting over.

Caplita is for adults with major depressive disorder when used with an antidepressant and is available by prescription only. Individual results may vary.

In clinical trials, weight gain was not common. Elderly dementia patients have increased risk of death or stroke.
Caplita is not approved for dementia-related psychosis.

Call your doctor about new or sudden mood changes, behaviors, or suicidal thoughts right away. Antidepressants may increase these risks.

Report fever, confusion, stiff muscles, which may be life-threatening, or uncontrolled muscle movements, which may be permanent.

High cholesterol and weight gain may occur, as can high blood sugar, which may be fatal. Monitoring is recommended.

Common side effects are sleepiness, dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, feeling tired, and diarrhea. These aren't aren't all the side effects.
Ask your doctor about Caplita.

Learn more at caplita.com or call 888-252-4824.