Down Time, Alternate Mixes, Witch Sex | Monday Morning Podcast 12-22-25

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani.

Speaker 2 My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 3 I promise you're gonna laugh.

Speaker 4 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 4 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 1 Okay, what you can do is point at someone else.

Speaker 2 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 6 Terms apply. That wasn't my call.
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Speaker 7 Terms apply.

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Speaker 9 What?

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Speaker 9 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 22nd, 2022.
What's going on,

Speaker 9 why?

Speaker 9 How's it going?

Speaker 9 Three days before Christmas.

Speaker 9 Let me ask you this. What do you think about people that send gifts to your kids and they're not wrapped? You know what I mean? It's just like, what the?

Speaker 9 You gave me a job, man.

Speaker 9 No, it's fine. Most of them came wrapped.

Speaker 9 But the ones that didn't, you know, I was all proud of myself.

Speaker 9 I did all of my shopping and I was done in November and I just wrapped all that shit.

Speaker 9 Just fucking wrapped it, dude. You know, I wasn't like you guys buying this shit and thinking, oh, I'm going to wrap that someday.
I got it done.

Speaker 9 It was like fucking inspirational, even to me. I was like, wow, Bill, you are fucking amazing.
And then all of a sudden, all the relatives sent this shit in.

Speaker 9 I got a whole nother pile of shit I got to wrap.

Speaker 9 You know, and then you forget who gave you what. And they send it for Amazon.
And then they give you like, it's like a fortune cookie. You get this little slip of paper.
Who's it from?

Speaker 9 What the fuck is it? What does it do? You know, that is a penalty. Pushed him right in the fucking back.
Sorry, I'm watching the Lions Pittsburgh game.

Speaker 9 And I got to give a shout-out to somebody on special teams on

Speaker 9 Pittsburgh. Skroenek.
Skroenek, number 15.

Speaker 9 Guy's a madman. He's on the outside.
They push him out of bounds. He kind of stayed out of bounds, you know, by choice.
They threw a flag on him, and then

Speaker 9 he still tackled the guy. And then they tried to be like, well, it's because you were running out of bounds, buddy.
So you got an unsportsmanlike conduct.

Speaker 9 With me, an unsportsmanlike conduct is you did something to another player. You know, you ran outside the lines.
They should call it something else.

Speaker 9 It's the same amount of yardage, but,

Speaker 9 you know.

Speaker 9 Maybe just being sneaky. 15 yards for being sneaky.
And then the call is the ref like sort of tippy-toes around instead of doing, like,

Speaker 9 putting his arms out like he's Jesus on a cross. Anyway, and then the next time they go to kick it, this fucking kid timed like this guy.
I guess he didn't call for a fair catch.

Speaker 9 He timed it perfectly.

Speaker 9 It reminded me, there was a guy in the Cowboys a long time ago, Bill Bates,

Speaker 9 number 40. And he was like the wedge breaker.
He was an absolute maniac on special teams. And he was so good on special teams, he actually made it up to,

Speaker 9 he started i think for the cowboys for a couple of years was a fan favorite kind of guy out there like breaking his helmet you know man shit not like me sitting here wearing vans with my legs crossed is that emmett smith dancing dancing with the stars emmett

Speaker 9 that can't be real this can't be real

Speaker 9 He's not bad. I don't know about that shiny shirt.

Speaker 9 Anyway,

Speaker 9 Emmett Smith. You know, just when you think, you know, running for over 17,000 yards is all this guy has.
He comes on the TV and he's doing a fucking tango

Speaker 9 for Geico. Oh, it's Geico, though.

Speaker 9 All right. I don't know about you guys.
Have you been listening to my podcast lately?

Speaker 9 I feel like I've been coming up with some really good ideas.

Speaker 9 for athletes and rock stars to be in commercials.

Speaker 9 You know? And you think, well, maybe this is a new skill set and this is like something I could do.

Speaker 9 And then they hit you with Emmett Smith on Dancing with the Stars paired up with Geico, and you're like, ah,

Speaker 9 I'm just not operating at that level. Why, you know, every fucking,

Speaker 9 I never noticed how much my stomach growls until I do a podcast. I just ate three fucking ribs.
How can I still be

Speaker 9 the stomach growling?

Speaker 9 Anyway,

Speaker 9 yeah, so Christmas is a couple days away. I don't know if if you heard.
I don't know what part of the internet you're on, but I'm having a great end of my year.

Speaker 9 I want to give a shout out to everybody that came out to see me in Cerritos.

Speaker 9 I had a great time.

Speaker 9 I brought Ambria and Dean to come down. They both fucking killed it.
The crowd was amazing. It was fucking amazing.
They were just sort of like

Speaker 9 one of those crowds where you really couldn't push it

Speaker 9 too far. They sort of were game for everything they they did they did groan it one one joke i did but it was a little too soon i think um

Speaker 9 but i had like i don't have like this epiphany because i've just been changing the order or whatever and i finally just came up with the order for the set for the new shit and i i did the work i wrote it down and i had it on the napkin and i just i i and i stuck to the order

Speaker 9 I don't know, I was a little nervous that was going to look fucking unprofessional. But

Speaker 9 as long as you're funny, I think you can keep glancing over the piece. I just had to make sure I did it in the right order so it would like connect.
What are those things called? Segues.

Speaker 9 They're called, you know, in my business, it's called a segue.

Speaker 9 Do they even make those anymore? Segways?

Speaker 9 They were kind of amazing when they first came out. And now, when I think about them, it's just like,

Speaker 9 did they have to weigh like fucking 5,000 pounds?

Speaker 9 I mean that was my shit back in the day going on YouTube and watching people wiping out on a Segway there's just something about you couldn't let go there's something about motorcycles scooters jet skis

Speaker 9 and segues when when you fucking lose control It's like

Speaker 9 you're hanging on to the handlebars and you're also turning the throttle on so you're going even faster. And you just sit there going like, let go of the fucking thing.
Just let go of it.

Speaker 9 And they don't. They ride it until they crash.

Speaker 9 They just

Speaker 9 get like a death grip on it. I got the Pittsburgh Steelers in this game, by the way.

Speaker 9 It's three to three. I don't know how many points I'm getting.
It's not too much. I can't figure the fucking Lions out.
They win, they lose, they win, they lose, they win, they lose.

Speaker 9 You know, they got a bunch of injuries, I guess.

Speaker 9 I don't know, Ford Field. Detroit is really coming along, though.
Last time I was there, you know, a lot of good restaurants and shit like that.

Speaker 9 It's finally coming back.

Speaker 9 They had a fucking race ride in 1968. And it's my whole life.
Detroit has been trying to come back. They're finally coming back.
There's the bridge.

Speaker 9 That's the bridge that Bob Probert got busted on coming back in rest his soul with some fucking blow Remember that?

Speaker 9 And there's a casino right across the way. I used to perform out there.
I haven't in a while. Bill, what are you taking us down memory lane or are you doing a goddamn podcast? All right, relax.

Speaker 9 Fucking relax. I can't be excited that I feel good about my act finally.

Speaker 9 Anyway, today marks three weeks. Three weeks.
This is like being sober of me not losing my temper and not even having to work on it.

Speaker 9 I feel like I'm fucking cured. I can't believe it.
Now all I have to work on is not cursing in front of my kids.

Speaker 9 It's going to be fantastic.

Speaker 9 It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be like, I remember a long time ago, one of my specials, I did a bit and I was talking about how much I crush it as a husband and a father.

Speaker 9 But I was talking about how my temper fucks up, you know, my life, though.

Speaker 9 So the joke was basically talking about all the great things that I do.

Speaker 9 And I was like, you know, other than that, all my wife has on me is who I am as a person.

Speaker 9 I am laughing at my own joke. I haven't told that in a while.
And

Speaker 9 I was talking about if I could just not have a temper, like, there would be nothing for her to complain about.

Speaker 9 So I am now,

Speaker 9 I'm now, I'm not talking shit yet because I'm only three weeks in. But I get like three months in of not losing my temper.

Speaker 9 I'm going to talk a little shit. I'm going to get in her cute little grill,

Speaker 9 have a big smile on her face, my face, and she's going to be like, what?

Speaker 9 And I'm going to be like, nothing.

Speaker 9 What do you mean, nothing? You got nothing. You got nothing on me.

Speaker 9 I'm clean. Oh, Burt Kreischer's doing the Paramount Plus New Year's Eve bash.
There you go. There's something to watch for you on New Year's Eve.
Do you go out? Do you go out with all the drunks?

Speaker 9 Survivor 50?

Speaker 9 How many fucking seasons do they do a year that they're already on Survivor 50?

Speaker 9 Like they started in 1975.

Speaker 9 Somewhere along the line, like the host just, you know. Red team, fucking up.
He starts like...

Speaker 9 I think he's just been on that island a little too long, and I noticed that he's a little more hostile.

Speaker 9 Is it hostile or hostile? I like hostile. adds a little something to it lets you know that isn't just a regular version of hostile why you being so hostile why you being so hostile

Speaker 9 sounds like heil makes you think of Nazis it makes you really fucking think there's something serious going on Jesus Christ Tony Romo went out last night huh good gravy

Speaker 9 You don't like he's drunk. He looks like he just woke up.
You know when your face is all puffy? What's that was it? What was it? Tony, you gotta announce the fucking game.

Speaker 9 Well, here's use my sport code. Oh, see what he did there? He found the seam.
The great ones do that. They sit down in the zone, they shoot the A gap, and it's a cover zero.

Speaker 9 Anyway, so

Speaker 9 oh, Billy, downtime. Oh, Billy, downtime.
I flew a couple of times. I keep trying to do that pasta roblaze flight.

Speaker 9 But I get a nervous, you know, because it's like almost an hour and a half one way. So I got to refuel.
And every, you know, every time I look at the fucking

Speaker 9 the uh, what is it, the not the METAR, I look at the TAF, there's always that, you know,

Speaker 9 low IFR and shit like that. And it looks like it's gonna clear up, but I can't fly all the way up there, and all of a sudden I get into the soup or whatever.
And then what am I doing?

Speaker 9 I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere. Where am I gonna refuel? So I get all scared.
And then I don't do it. Instead, I fly to like Brackett.

Speaker 9 Brackett's a scary airport. It's It's got this helipad, the Northeast helipad.

Speaker 9 And, you know, if you fly the pattern there off of that thing,

Speaker 9 it's a very short run-up before you're right at the tower and all of these, this,

Speaker 9 I don't know, radar equipment.

Speaker 9 And then you got to make a right before it. And you sort of, you know, if you're not careful, you're kind of in the dead man's curve as you're climbing, which is, you know.

Speaker 9 Dead man's curve is

Speaker 9 your airspeed is low and so is your altitude.

Speaker 9 All right, you have you have three bins of in of energy you have your airspeed you have your altitude and you have your main rotor Okay, you you can trade one for the other, but you can't lose two you lose two you're fucked

Speaker 9 Okay, if I had the altitude and I didn't have the speed I could nose down if I lost my engine I could enter an auto All right, if I fucking have my speed and I'm really low, that's fine.

Speaker 9 I can just enter the fucking auto. But if I don't have my speed and I also don't have the altitude, well, god damn that's when you get a little scared and you start thinking to yourself,

Speaker 9 I don't want to end up on the news, man.

Speaker 9 I do not want to end up. I'm putting you on the news.

Speaker 9 So, anyway,

Speaker 9 I kind of went when I fly the pattern there, I kind of back up a little bit. I'm in a hover and I give myself that extra 20 feet.
That's what it's all about, people.

Speaker 9 You just keep the odds in your favor.

Speaker 9 Anyway, one of my goals this year was that I had three airports I wanted to fly to. I already did two of them.
Now I got to do Paso Robles.

Speaker 9 All right? And I got fucking only nine more days to do it.

Speaker 9 But you know what? If I don't do it, I don't do it. I'm not going to get involved and get their ideas.
Would you look at all these comedians on TV? Nikki Glazer is doing the Golden Globes.

Speaker 9 I saw her run that thing down the

Speaker 9 improv. She ran a monologue.
She fucking crushed it. And I saw Pete Davidson doing a

Speaker 9 doing a fucking

Speaker 9 commercial. Donald Trump at the Kennedy Center.

Speaker 9 He fucking took it over.

Speaker 9 All these liberals are going to make fun of me. No,

Speaker 9 somehow he puts his name on it. I mean, that's fucking...

Speaker 9 The dude is diabolical. I mean, I know a lot of people don't like his politics, but it's like Dr.
Evil shit.

Speaker 9 He showed up at a roast. Seth Meyers and fucking Obama made fun of him, destroyed him, stuck him right in the middle of the room.

Speaker 9 Made fun of him. Like, what are you trashing Obama for? He's president.
He's making important decisions. And then a few years later, he was president.
Obama was handing the keys over to him.

Speaker 9 It's the greatest revenge story after any roast I've ever heard of.

Speaker 9 Oh my God. A guy on the Steelers just punched a guy with a blue wig on, and I stand by it.

Speaker 9 I stand by it. And the NFL better not fight him because the guy in the blue wig was excited.
He was excited that he got punched in his fucking stupid face.

Speaker 9 What a shit fan that guy is.

Speaker 9 Now watch, he's going to get in trouble, and and I'm sure they're getting chastised

Speaker 9 you know you gotta be a professional you should be doing shit like that he said something that there's no fucking way I always support the athlete when they go over and punch somebody in the fucking crowd why has he got a pacifier I don't know about that but I'll tell you this when you when you're fucking

Speaker 9 the amount of shit that fans yell at people on the field crazy wild shit

Speaker 9 that you wouldn't say to probably a fat guy who is a little taller than you in a bar and you these are some of the most in-shape people on the planet. And you're saying it because you feel safe.

Speaker 9 And they're making a zillion dollars so they fucking take it. But if they actually go over there and punch you, you.

Speaker 9 I wish I was running a league.

Speaker 9 What did you say to them?

Speaker 9 Well, what the fuck did you think was going to happen?

Speaker 9 No, I'm not giving you free. Well, fucking sue us.
We got billions. We will bury you.
We'll keep appealing it. Fuck you.
Stop talking shit to people you can't beat up.

Speaker 9 Fucking world do you grow up in?

Speaker 9 Why can't it be like that? Why?

Speaker 9 Because the customer is always right.

Speaker 9 That's not the truth.

Speaker 9 You see what they do to their customers. You see the food that they feed them, feeding them fucking cancer, and then they tell them to stand up for cancer.

Speaker 9 Oh, the hypocrisy, Bill. Is that what you're talking about right now? I did see a commercial

Speaker 9 for this fucking for this cruise ship.

Speaker 9 He said, How do those things float? It was a cruise ship that had a fucking amusement park, like a legit amusement park on it.

Speaker 9 And the first three questions I had for anybody that takes a cruise that has an amusement park on it: A, how bored are you? B, how fat are you?

Speaker 9 And C, What is your favorite song?

Speaker 9 Those are the questions.

Speaker 9 I mean that whole

Speaker 9 vacation package just says I don't think.

Speaker 9 I don't think for myself.

Speaker 9 I just like if it's shiny

Speaker 9 If it's big, if the music is right, good Lord, look at that woman with her clam out on a fucking Christmas thing.

Speaker 9 It's unbelievable. You know, I don't, I feel really bad for prostitutes.
You used to be able to spot a hooker. Now every woman out there is like hooker chic.

Speaker 9 How do you know who's selling their ass and you know who's just gonna ready to take a picture of their breakfast burrito? I mean, it's a very confusing world, touchdown lions.

Speaker 9 Oh, is that a beauty? $155 to go in the second quarter if you're paying attention at home.

Speaker 9 That was a beautiful pass and catch. Jared Goff.
I always root for this guy.

Speaker 9 First of all, anybody named Jared, you have to just have to be excited that they escaped Utah or Wyoming, wherever they're from. Jared.
Jared just says, my parents were too religious.

Speaker 9 You know what I mean? Something weird's going on.

Speaker 9 In between two defenders. That was amazing.

Speaker 9 The guy coming over the top could have hit him a little harder. Why does he look like Theo Vaughan, the guy who just fucking caught that ball?

Speaker 9 Ah, Jesus, Billy's losing now.

Speaker 9 Seven to three. The goddamn Steelers can't move the fucking ball.
What's his name? Tesla.

Speaker 9 Tesla?

Speaker 9 Jared Goff, you know, no longer a Mormon.

Speaker 9 He's living in dirty-ass Detroit, and they're fucking, they're balancing him out. That's a good balance, huh?

Speaker 9 You grow up in Salt Lake City, and then you go to work in Detroit, you know. One's too clean, the other's too filthy, and somehow Jared just ends up being this perfectly balanced person.

Speaker 9 No, I didn't like how the Rams got rid of him, so I rooted for this guy to get a goddamn Super Bowl ring. I mean, Matthew Stafford obviously worked out for the Rams, but you know,

Speaker 9 the coach could have said, you know, he could have said something.

Speaker 9 Should you be allowed to dress up like Santa if you're in in shape?

Speaker 9 You got to at least put the fake pillow in there, right? Or does the NFL not allow that?

Speaker 9 Now let me guess. They keep replaying this because they're trying to see if it was a shot to the head.

Speaker 9 No, he got him on the elbow.

Speaker 9 Anyway.

Speaker 9 Okay, so let's get back to those three questions. How bored are you? I'm not bored.
I love taking cruises and I love roller coasters.

Speaker 9 And when I found that they combined those two worlds and they had s'mores,

Speaker 9 it's great. You don't even have to do them over the fire because you're in the Caribbean.
You just melt them in the sun.

Speaker 9 So I think that's the answer to the first one. How fat are you?

Speaker 9 Their answer is compared to who? You know, because probably the whole family.

Speaker 9 Do you think it's the buoyancy of the passengers that help the boat stay afloat? Actually, no. I love this.
They're showing it again.

Speaker 9 He fucking missed him, too.

Speaker 9 God bless Metcalf. I would give him Player of the Week.
That's good. Every once in a while, an athlete has to punch somebody in the crowd just to keep it fair.
You know?

Speaker 9 Wasn't that bad. All right.
What is your favorite song?

Speaker 9 I don't know what the answer to that is but I can tell you this I was in my wife's car

Speaker 9 and I was in the middle of the electric confusion that is my wife's car

Speaker 9 like how do I turn the volume up where is the volume is it on the fucking steering wheel do I swipe the inside of the windshield it's like it's like flying a spaceship so you know Billy old school what I'm listening to some white snake right

Speaker 9 so

Speaker 9 I want to listen to slow and easy, right?

Speaker 9 I mean, it's Sunday. Some people listen to Lionel Ritchie Easy like Sunday morning, you know.

Speaker 9 I'm a fucking white dude from the suburbs, so I listen to White Snake Slow and Easy.

Speaker 9 Which is a love song, you know, if you're in the right mood. And

Speaker 9 I go to put it on, and I can't find the, they got fucking the extended version, blah, blah, blah. I ended up just clicking on one because I'm driving down the street.

Speaker 9 You're not supposed to drive distracted, even though the entire dashboard is a fucking iPad.

Speaker 9 So I,

Speaker 9 oh, Metcalf just dropped the ball. I bet that blue-haired guy is really going to get on him now.
Maybe he'll give him a fucking combination this time.

Speaker 9 Wouldn't it be amazing if an athlete went to the crowd and literally just beat somebody to death?

Speaker 9 Like, how much would you shut the fuck up the next game you went to?

Speaker 9 Anyway,

Speaker 9 there would still be somebody going after he beat him to death, be like, hey, Mr. Metcalf, can you sign this for me?

Speaker 9 Anyway.

Speaker 9 Sorry. So I'm making fun of people that take cruise ships and I listen to White Snake slow and easy.

Speaker 9 So anyway,

Speaker 9 I click on it and it was the fucking board mix from 1983. It's like,

Speaker 9 I don't need to know what it felt like when you guys listened to this and you were like, yeah, no, this isn't it. This isn't it.

Speaker 9 Because it wasn't as good as the one that they ended up with. I don't need,

Speaker 9 do I need the ones that like

Speaker 9 the engineer, the producer, and the artists themselves were like, yeah, this isn't good enough to release. Why do I want to hear that?

Speaker 9 Just give me the fucking original one there.

Speaker 9 To the bone. Boom, bitch, ba-pe-bit-doo.

Speaker 9 Boom-wack, awaka-boom.

Speaker 9 Anyway, if I knew how to pop lock, that's the song I would listen. I would pop lock to.
Boom, gank, go wack a doon. Boo dit, ba-di-pa-doon.
Take me down slow and easy. That's when you got a skip.

Speaker 9 For some reason, skipping was okay for half a second. If you put a little gallop in there, skip, skip, gallop, you know, up to the mic.

Speaker 9 That worked in like 1985.

Speaker 9 Dallas Abu Buddha Boop,

Speaker 9 suck my fucking dick tonight. Won't wink, a wick-a-won't.

Speaker 9 My wife has not watched the Kardashians in forever, and all of a sudden she started watching them again.

Speaker 9 And,

Speaker 9 you know, now I'm fucking Billy Good Vibes. I'm Little Billy, the Christmas Miracle.
I don't get mad anymore, so she has it on, so I'm like, all right, I'll watch this shit with you.

Speaker 9 I gotta tell you something, that fucking chloe chloe is funny

Speaker 9 they went to go see this weirdo that like is like in his mid-40s was trying to say he has as many erections every night as an 18 year old he was saying this to all the women

Speaker 9 and he was actually sitting at a table talking about like you know mortality is now like a choice

Speaker 9 He's sitting there with this wispy hair and this shoe polish in it.

Speaker 9 It was super, it was really shady. The whole thing was fucking shady.

Speaker 9 And a few of them were like, oh my God, I love this guy. But Chloe's like, I don't know what the fuck this guy's talking.
Like,

Speaker 9 I didn't need to know about your dick.

Speaker 9 Middle kid. Middle kid, always the class clown.

Speaker 9 Trying to get the attention. Anyways,

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Speaker 9 Q, U,

Speaker 9 O,

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Running a business on a clunky old phone system is like competing with one hand tied behind your back. And every time you miss a call, you know what happens?

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Speaker 9 That's past interference. No, we fucking caught it.
And it's a touchdown. Get the fuck out of here.
That did not just happen. Was he down by contact? There's Metcalf.
Look at him.

Speaker 9 Punching fans, scoring touchdowns. Is that Metcalf? Look at the lines.
No, there wasn't. Sorry.
Wrong guy.

Speaker 9 Is that a touchdown? Sorry. Every time you miss a call, that's money left on the table.
Put it on the table.

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Speaker 4 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 1 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

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If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 7 Terms apply.

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Speaker 9 All right, and with that, let's get to the goddamn reads.

Speaker 9 Oh, wait a second, it's halftime. It's 10 to 10.

Speaker 9 Oh, Billy Betface is looking pretty good. He's looking pretty good.
All right. I don't know why it always scrolls back up.
I didn't do that thing

Speaker 9 that you guys told me to stop doing. All right, here we go.

Speaker 9 First question. First question of the goddamn day.

Speaker 9 Metallica's battery for batter companies.

Speaker 9 Oh, wait. Is somebody...

Speaker 9 Oh, they're coming up with a commercial. Oh, for Metallica.
I like this. Dear Bildo.

Speaker 9 The other week you were popping off marketing that

Speaker 9 should use big songs that are obvious. Oh yeah, I had little Wayne sitting in a hotel room having a good time, and then, you know, a fancy hotel.

Speaker 9 So around five o'clock, there's a knock at the door, and he's like, what? And they're like, turn down service. And he's like, turn down for what?

Speaker 9 However that fucking song goes. You know, it's a collaboration.

Speaker 9 Tommy Lee for Tacoma, Toyota Trucks, because he said Tacoma like 50 times during that drum drum solo. So this person is adding to this.
He's saying Metallica battery for batter companies.

Speaker 9 What are batter companies? Like cake batter?

Speaker 9 The other week you were, okay, you were popping off about, okay.

Speaker 9 One big one would be Metallica's battery,

Speaker 9 which has the lyrics, cannot stop the battery, cannot kill the battery.

Speaker 9 Oh, it should be for battery companies, right? A smaller audience would be Scorpions, Rock You Like a Hurricane for the

Speaker 9 Matty 40 beverage. I'm sure Anheuser-Busch could afford the rights and the Scorpions could use the money.
Well, they're still out there touring.

Speaker 9 My lovely wife already trademarked Gucci Gucci goo for a high-end baby line.

Speaker 9 That's fucking hilarious. Gucci Gucci goo.

Speaker 9 They'd sue you twice, but I think, I don't know, I love that.

Speaker 9 That's if you actually, if they, if you made adorable, there's something fucking annoying about high-end

Speaker 9 baby clothes.

Speaker 9 You're just saying, I'm not going to be involved in my kids' life.

Speaker 9 I got four nannies.

Speaker 9 Look forward to seeing you in Pittsburgh again. Come for the draft.
Anyways, go fuck yourself, but Merry Christmas to the family there.

Speaker 9 All right, I like all of those. Those were all good ideas, I think.

Speaker 9 Jeez, look at this fucking Middle-earth crazy movie. A visionary of modern seminar.
Oh, Frankenstein.

Speaker 9 Why does it look like it's also...

Speaker 9 What was that movie with those blue people? Not the Smurfs, the tall ones.

Speaker 9 Avatar. It looked like fucking Avatar.

Speaker 9 But he has like that Vertilago, whatever the fuck it is, so like his skin's white instead of blue

Speaker 9 And then he kind of looked like he was boyfriends with the guy from the half a mess fan of the opera. That's what that looked like to me with the sound down the sound does so much for movie promotion

Speaker 9 This is how dumb I am the other night. I was watching this fucking

Speaker 9 I Don't I thought I was watching a TV show and I watched it for like a minute and then I said out loud I go oh, this is a trailer

Speaker 9 and my wife's like yeah. I was like yeah I was thinking God they're moving along here

Speaker 9 she just started laughing at me like what the fuck is wrong with you i was like i don't know like they'll they didn't announce it they just sort of went into it from this other thing it was something about little affair

Speaker 9 was this all female like

Speaker 9 music festival from the early 90s they were making a documentary on it in the middle of it i i believe they brought up that somebody tried to bomb it

Speaker 9 and i was like where is this going and then they just abandoned and they kept going that's why i was just like what the fuck is going on on? Oh, it's a trailer.

Speaker 9 They're just showing you like what's going to happen.

Speaker 9 But I have to watch it because I just, like, who the fuck would bomb

Speaker 9 Lillifair?

Speaker 9 I'm trying to see what.

Speaker 9 I mean, I understand misogyny. God, I built half my fucking career on it.
But, you know, I stopped short

Speaker 9 of bringing a bomb to Lilla Fair. So I got to check that out.
I'm babbling this week, people. I'm sorry.
All right,

Speaker 9 let's keep it going.

Speaker 9 All right, what do we got here? LA Witch Dilemma.

Speaker 9 Hey, Billy Zen.

Speaker 9 I'm a 30-year-old guy from the Midwest. A couple weeks ago, I met an attractive and mysterious woman at my local coffee shop.
This sounds like the beginning of a porno or a fucking horror movie.

Speaker 9 She gave me Morticia Adams vibes.

Speaker 9 Which one is that? Is that the... I never watched.
I used to watch the Munsters. I watched the Munsters and I watched the three stooges.
I didn't like the fucking Adams family

Speaker 9 The dad was just too weird

Speaker 9 He didn't even have any makeup on he just fucking

Speaker 9 He was really weird and then there was

Speaker 9 See what was those other guys

Speaker 9 You either watch the three stooges or you watch those other guys with the Marx brothers. I never watched the Marx Brothers.

Speaker 9 I like broad comedy. I don't like thinking.

Speaker 9 Oh, now I got the fucking hiccups.

Speaker 9 Oh, geez. I'm falling apart.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 She gave me Morticia Adams vibes, but I'm into it. Okay, you kind of goth.
I understand it.

Speaker 9 We hit it. Goth.

Speaker 9 We hit it off and went and got sushi that night.

Speaker 9 The next line. Turns out that's not the only thing she likes raw.
Oh!

Speaker 9 Sorry.

Speaker 9 I stayed away from that Bills game. I knew that fucking game.
There was something about it. Oh, no, I didn't.
No, I didn't. I took the Bills.
I'm a fucking asshole.

Speaker 9 Ah, Jesus. They're in a goddamn game.
I'm giving away all kinds of points. Oh,

Speaker 9 Billy, the Christmas miracle. Can't pick a fucking game in his own goddamn division.
All right. I'm a 30-year-old guy,

Speaker 9 I'm kind of into it. All right.

Speaker 9 Turns out she was just in town on business and left the next day back to LA. We've been texting non-stop and she wants me to go out and visit her for a few days in January.
Dilemma.

Speaker 9 The other day she told me she's an actual witch and has been mixed in

Speaker 9 with the occult, spooky shit, since she was a kid. I jokingly asked if she was going to put a hex on me and she replied, only if you hurt me.
Kind of creep me out.

Speaker 9 Bill, this woman is 47. She's intriguing, but but I want to meet the right one and have kids one day in the next few years.
Probably not with her.

Speaker 9 Should I go to LA for a few days, adventure with this witchy lady,

Speaker 9 and risk becoming

Speaker 9 a newt or a stay-at-home and freeze-alone in the Illinois? Oh, wait, I fucked up his joke.

Speaker 9 He goes, Should I go to LA for a few days, adventure with this witchy lady, and risk becoming a newt or stay-home and freeze-alone in Illinois in January?

Speaker 9 Cheers to therapy breakthroughs and go fuck yourself.

Speaker 9 I was going to say

Speaker 9 to not go out there, but is that going to make her mad?

Speaker 9 Ooh,

Speaker 9 whoo, witchy woman.

Speaker 9 See how high she fly.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I mean, women are vindictive enough. You don't need someone that actually knows how to put a fucking hex on you.

Speaker 9 I don't know, dude.

Speaker 9 You're doing the guy thing. You're like, just thinking, all right, if she's a witch, she's going to be a fucking animal in the rack.
Like,

Speaker 9 is there any information out there about,

Speaker 9 you know what? I'm going to, yeah, you know what, just for you guys, you know, it's the holiday season. It's the holiday season.
Doobie-doobie-doo. I'm going to do a search.
Are witches good in bed?

Speaker 9 Witches,

Speaker 9 they're kind of old, aren't they? Good

Speaker 9 in

Speaker 9 bed.

Speaker 9 Let's see what they say.

Speaker 9 According to various practitioners, modern occultists, and cultural lore, witches are often associated with being exceptional in bed due to a focus on energy, intention, and self-awareness.

Speaker 9 The reputation stems from several key concepts within witchcraft.

Speaker 9 Who knew? Sex magic. They spell it with a K, like magikowski for the fucking Packers.
A common practice among many witches is using orgasmic energy as fuel for manifestations and intentions.

Speaker 9 Well, no wonder you vibe with this person. This sounds amazing.
This practice often makes the sexual experience more deliberate and focused.

Speaker 9 You fucking dialed in. You're ready for the playoffs.
Heighten awareness.

Speaker 9 Many practitioners believe that witches are more in tune with their own bodies as well as the energy of their partners, which leads to more present, conscious, and considerate.

Speaker 9 Are people daydreaming during sex?

Speaker 9 Being in the moment, you know, really seems to be a problem for a lot of people. Natural and herbal wisdom focus on pleasure.

Speaker 9 confidence because they so often do not conform to traditional practical ideas of womanhood. They are sometimes perceived as more empowered and confident.
Dude, you got to go meet this person.

Speaker 9 You know?

Speaker 9 You got to tell her, like, listen, I'm fucking,

Speaker 9 I'm like, well, how do witches feel about foul language? I would just be like, listen, I'm

Speaker 9 looking for a new love, baby. No, I'm looking for a, I want to settle down and have a wife and a kid and some kids.
That's what I'm looking for.

Speaker 9 If that doesn't fit into your witchy shit, then, you know,

Speaker 9 I don't want to lead you on like I'm looking for a relationship because I also don't need a hex put on me, but I am really attracted to you, and I'd like to come out there and have like fucking regular person witch sex with you.

Speaker 9 See how that is. Is that all right with you? Just be fucking up front, say it smoother than that, all right.

Speaker 9 And I think you'll be all right. I think you should go to LA, and I definitely think you should go to LA and hook up with a witch.
All right,

Speaker 9 out loud, that doesn't sound it, sounded good in my head. I don't know, but I don't know, know, dude.
You're on your own.

Speaker 9 Dude, that's a fucking series right there.

Speaker 9 There's a witch, right? And like too many people in LA, you know, that being in show business, they're just not good victims because we're always looking to get fucking stabbed in the back.

Speaker 9 So, where do they go? They go out to the Midwest where all you wholesome people are to get their victims. But here's the thing: she can only fuck you and kill you if she's in L.A.

Speaker 9 You know, if you try to fuck her out in Chicago, Chicago, she can't kill you.

Speaker 9 I think that's how it works.

Speaker 9 If I see one more fucking down-home commercial, remember how there was a time there when liberals were running shit and they acted like everybody was in an interracial relationship?

Speaker 9 Now that has been replaced by like everybody's like standing out in the middle of fucking Wyoming. There's something about being out here.
You just can't lie when you're out here on the prairie.

Speaker 9 You know, like people who live in the middle of fucking nowhere are somehow better people.

Speaker 9 Ed Gein lived in the middle of nowhere. Okay?

Speaker 9 P. Diddy lived in L.A.
There's fucking psychos everywhere. Can we just stop with this shit?

Speaker 9 Jesus Christ, can't you just go back to a barbershop quartet singing about fucking Aqua Velva?

Speaker 9 Is that too much to ask?

Speaker 9 Well, evidently it is. All right, moving to Germany.

Speaker 9 Dear old man Billy, I'm a 19-year-old high school student. I got back from Germany a few months ago as part of an exchange program.
I was there for a year and I fell in love with it all.

Speaker 9 The people, history, history, wow, okay. The cities, everything.
As a result of talking with the people I met there and the host family to whom I am close, I have decided, I'm going to Münze Jebridi.

Speaker 9 I will be able to stay with my family host, my former host family, when I first get there. I have gone as far as to go to the German embassy in DC.

Speaker 9 I live nearby and I am in the final process of getting a visa.

Speaker 9 Sorry for the long prologue. My question, dude, that's fucking great.
Like, I wish, you know, if I was younger, I would definitely go live in another country.

Speaker 9 I think that's a tremendous, tremendous, tremendous experience to have. I'm happy for you.

Speaker 9 Plus, you're also like in the middle of,

Speaker 9 you're in, like, the middle of like sort of the Midwest, not quite

Speaker 9 of Europe. So you can do east, you can do, you can come to the coast, you can go down to the fucking Mediterranean, and it's great.

Speaker 9 Scandinavia is just north.

Speaker 9 It's fucking great. It's fantastic.
Anyway, the person goes on to say, sorry for the long prologue. My question for you is, how do you suggest I go about telling my family about my plans?

Speaker 9 How would you want your son to tell you something similar? Any advice will help. Thanks, and hopefully see you in Germany soon.

Speaker 9 Well, I didn't think there was anything wrong. I would be excited if my kid wanted to live abroad.
I think that's... You gotta love Dan Campbell.

Speaker 9 He literally literally looks like he could be in that movie, The Incredibles.

Speaker 9 Anyway,

Speaker 9 I don't think there's a problem.

Speaker 9 So, obviously, your parents, do they have a problem with Germany or do they, they just, you guys are like home bodies and they want you nearby and they're going to miss you and all of that type of shit.

Speaker 9 Um,

Speaker 9 I think uh

Speaker 9 I would just tell them. I mean, you're not going there forever, are you? You're just going there.

Speaker 9 Just tell them, you know, you know,

Speaker 9 I vibed with the place. I want to live over there.
I feel like it's going to be a good experience.

Speaker 9 And someday, you know, when I get older and I get married, I make you guys grandparents, you know, they'll like hearing that. Then,

Speaker 9 you know, I can fucking

Speaker 9 come back.

Speaker 9 I'll come back with a with a Freudline.

Speaker 9 Well, that's cool.

Speaker 9 I'm happy for you.

Speaker 9 I don't know what your parents' thoughts are on that. So I don't think it's,

Speaker 9 it's not like,

Speaker 9 it doesn't seem like a big thing to tell them.

Speaker 9 Not trying to diminish your story.

Speaker 9 Not trying to not validate your journey.

Speaker 9 Aaron Rodgers is so fucking old. He looks like a guy going to the game.

Speaker 9 It's what I'm loving him and Philip Rivers. Still out there slinging it.

Speaker 9 Slinging it.

Speaker 9 All right, well, I got 10 minutes to go. I don't know what the fuck to talk about.
That

Speaker 9 was the podcast. Oh, I'm still doing.
I'm still doing my. There you go, Metcalf.
I love Metcalf. I already loved him.
I loved him when he was on Seattle, but now that he punched a fan,

Speaker 9 look at his fucking arms. What are you doing yelling at this guy?

Speaker 9 Fucking jerk off. He didn't even hit him either.

Speaker 9 Fucking cunt.

Speaker 9 Stupid guy with his blue fucking wig. We get it.
You're a Lions fan.

Speaker 9 Anyway.

Speaker 9 That'd be a great thing to do.

Speaker 9 Pay a, like, have a benefit to pay an athletes fan his fine that punched somebody in the crowd.

Speaker 9 Fans,

Speaker 9 you know, fans for athletes not taking shit from fucking loser fans, whatever, whatever you would call the organization there.

Speaker 9 But anyways, I've been playing drums and I'm still doing that thing, trying to free myself up the flow mode, and I'm finding it's starting to starting to seep into my playing.

Speaker 9 All of a sudden, I'm starting to hear fills, and I'm able to, you know, kind of start to play them.

Speaker 9 I'll tell you, you know, it's a really fun song to jom to. Fucking, that's my job.

Speaker 9 What is the name of it?

Speaker 9 It was like a hit for a second, and then I stumbled upon it. I heard it.
I heard the goddamn thing, and I was like, I'm downloading that because I want to play to that.

Speaker 9 Nobody speak, DJ Shadow is a really fun song to play to, and also to play 16th notes to

Speaker 9 during the chorus.

Speaker 9 And also, just it's a great tempo to just sort of play Phil's the whole song

Speaker 9 and try try to like free yourself up.

Speaker 9 I find I have much more ideas if I just, if I played it like a medium, just play Phills over a medium tempo song as opposed to listening to a click.

Speaker 9 Mip, moop, moop, moop, mip, boop, boop, boop. That just doesn't

Speaker 9 get me going.

Speaker 9 As opposed to the other. Look at the fucking Steelers.
Just drive down the field and get me a goddamn touchdown. Could you please? Could you do that? Oh man Rivers.
No, sorry. Aaron Rodgers.

Speaker 9 Roger Wilco

Speaker 9 will comply. It's going to get old Billy a fucking touchdown here.

Speaker 9 Arizona Atlanta game. Now there's a game I stayed away from.

Speaker 9 Fucking Jacksonville beating Denver. Who knew?

Speaker 9 Fucking Raiders hanging with the Houston Texans. None of this shit makes sense.

Speaker 9 I don't know. Anyway.

Speaker 9 Oh, up the fucking middle to the fucking 10-yard line, dude.

Speaker 9 Fucking chewing up the clock, too.

Speaker 9 That's what I like about the Pats, man. We have a nice running game.

Speaker 9 Eating up the clock, even though, you know, we let the Bills come back last week. What are you going to do?

Speaker 9 Was that the most subtle fucking straight-arm you've ever seen in your life? He barely touched that guy.

Speaker 9 Barely touched him. Ever see those highlights of Derrick Henry just stiff-arming people?

Speaker 9 It literally looks like he's throwing his son through a screen door and he's doing it to an adult.

Speaker 9 Aaron Rodgers, Aaron Rodgers, he's not going to scramble.

Speaker 9 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 9 He should be wearing loafers that have like the cleat things, the spikes on the bottom.

Speaker 9 They should have him like, you should have like a fucking lazy boy with a little table and like an Arnold Palmer.

Speaker 9 Just stare into it.

Speaker 9 ARP card advertising on the back of it. You got to love a fucking old quarterback.

Speaker 9 You know, they always dye the hair on top, but they let their whiskers come in white.

Speaker 9 Anyway, people, I'm going to stay on. This podcast is going to end after this fucking touchdown here.
So it's second and eight. Aaron Rodgers looks like he's going to handoff, dumps the ball off.

Speaker 9 The guy,

Speaker 9 he just plows through. He almost loses the ball.
The Lions are claiming it's theirs. Don't fucking, and they're saying it's on the goddamn, it's on the ground.

Speaker 9 How dare you?

Speaker 9 Oh, Campbell hooking his son up in the fucking secondary. I mean, this is why they're not winning.
Okay, do you want to win games or do you want to make your kids' dream come true?

Speaker 9 Oh, they better run that quick. They better run that quick.
They better run that quick. Was he on the ground? I don't have my glasses.
Fuck.

Speaker 9 Fuck you. No.

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 9 Look at Aaron. He's about ready to fucking blame everybody.

Speaker 9 Oh no.

Speaker 9 Oh no. It's out.
That ball is out. That ball is out.

Speaker 9 You

Speaker 9 dead fur view. Bill Burton go fuck himself.
Time out. Time out.
We're going to check the ref. We're going to play the replay.

Speaker 9 Yeah, this mic.

Speaker 9 Run that shit back. Well, that fucking ball is out.

Speaker 9 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 9 Dan Campbell's kid. Look at that.
And then they go right to a burrito like that's supposed to make me feel better.

Speaker 9 I hate how Chipotle acts like they're out there with all these fresh vegetables. I've never seen that when I went in there.

Speaker 9 It is kind of funny how they rock like, you know, this time, you know, now we're actually using real food.

Speaker 9 All right, you guys are just going to hang here for these commercials, these AI animals trying to sell me something.

Speaker 9 Doesn't everybody have insurance at this point? How long is Progressive going to advertise? Do you think that people fucking

Speaker 9 every week they got to buy it?

Speaker 9 Friends and Famerie.

Speaker 9 All right, I don't know what to talk about. Okay, anyway.

Speaker 9 I'm going to hit the clubs this week because I have like a new 20 minutes where I'm all, you know,

Speaker 9 fucking you know billy not anger angry and it's uh it's really coming together man I got I got everything in there from not being angry to suicide it's it's it's uh you know I'm running the gamut there

Speaker 9 I'm running the gamut

Speaker 9 and I just got to make sure that I hang on to it I just got to keep doing that and then you know I got a couple acting gigs next year and I just got to see when they're going to happen and then from there I can start booking my stand-up dates.

Speaker 9 I'm just going to go back to all my favorite places that I've done through the years.

Speaker 9 I don't want to name the places because I don't know if they're oh, fuck it. I'll tell you, I'll tell you some of my favorite theaters.

Speaker 9 Let's see, the Chicago theater, Massey Hall in Toronto,

Speaker 9 the fucking Tabernacle in Atlanta.

Speaker 9 uh

Speaker 9 oh the Fox in St. Louis there's some great ones there's really really some great ones and then I want to go out with Dean

Speaker 9 I want to do like a run through like uh

Speaker 9 Idaho Montana and down into Wyoming and rent some fucking bikes, you know, when it warms up, obviously. I'm thinking of doing that.
All right, we're back to the game. We're back to the goddamn game.

Speaker 9 Oh, it's a fumble. That ball is out.
I mean, Jesus Christ. How many times you got to look at it? How many times you got to look at it?

Speaker 9 All right, just fucking just do it. Just tell me.
Just tell me.

Speaker 9 It's not a touchdown. And we're not going to get a touchdown.
They get no points.

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah, no points. You fucking cocksucker.

Speaker 9 Jared Goff with poise throws it out of bounds. All right, maybe they have a little three and out.
We start over again.

Speaker 9 You hate to see it. You just hate to see it.
Anyways, oh, Washington.

Speaker 9 You were so close.

Speaker 9 What are you shaking his hand for? It's all right. You'll get him next time.

Speaker 9 You'll get him next time. All right, that's the podcast, everybody.
Thank you to everybody that came out to Sarita's. Beautiful theater down there, by the way.
And

Speaker 9 thanks to Dean and Ambria opening up for me. The crowd, you guys were fucking awesome.
And I've been loving all of these theaters that I've been playing out here in LA.

Speaker 9 Thousand Oaks, Cerritos, fucking Riverside.

Speaker 9 All these great places. And all you guys that came out really helped my act, really helped shape it.
And I'm going to have some killer shows in 2026.

Speaker 9 Thank you to all you guys for keep supporting me, this podcast, all of this shit.

Speaker 9 If you keep giving a shit, I'll keep doing it. I love it.
All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.

Speaker 9 Have a great Christmas. Is Christmas gonna happen to us today? 22nd, 23rd, 24th.
Oh, wait a minute. I'm gonna do the Thursday afternoon podcast.

Speaker 9 I'll talk to you on Christmas, you fucking jolly so-and-so's. All right, that's it.
I'll see you. Wait a second.
This is the epilogue. The second I hit stop, the fucking Steelers just got a safety.

Speaker 9 Woo! I'm up by,

Speaker 9 I got points in, we're up by two.

Speaker 9 That is my favorite thing when I'm at a football game is if my team gets the safety and then everybody in the crowd, everybody for some reason, that is the one fucking signal.

Speaker 9 Not only does everybody know,

Speaker 9 referee signal, everybody knows it, everybody does it. It's like the shark fin above your fucking head.
All right, look at that. See? You get down in the dumps.

Speaker 9 Little Santa Claus there gives me the goddamn safety. All right, that's it.
Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful holiday, you bastards.

Speaker 2 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 3 I promise you're going to laugh.

Speaker 4 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 4 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 1 Okay, what you can do is point at someone else.

Speaker 2 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 6 Terms apply. That wasn't my call.
If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 7 Terms apply.

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