Diabolical Behavior, Holiday Bums, Driverless Cars | Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-25

Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.
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Are there any other immigrants here?

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Bird. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 1st, 2025.

What's going on? How are you?

Oh, I got up there. Hi, yeah.
How did you know?

How are you? How's it going?

How is your day going? My day is going fantastic. Is there anything better than hitting a couple of bets?

You know, gives you a sense of control, makes you feel like you know something.

You know what I mean? You just sit here and it's December 1st and it's fucking 81 degrees out in Los Angeles. These fucking, I will tell you this.
Oh, I am on one. Ooh, Billy's on one.

These fucking local weather people,

I don't know what,

I don't know what management is telling them, but they are not bringing up global warming at all. They're acting like it isn't happening.
They said there's the rest of the country's getting snow.

They don't want to graze out. It's just like, even I know.

Basking in the sunshine out here in the sunshine state. Even I know as a comedian

that extreme weather is happening.

And that to be like, well, it's fucking snowing in Chicago. It's like

it's supposed to be snowing in Chicago. And it's supposed to be cool here.

It's 81 fucking degrees out. It feels like

mid-September and it's December.

I don't know how they do it. I mean.

The level of drinking that these fucking media because they they actually know what's going on.

They've been studying the chats forever.

They know what the fuck is going on.

Like Paul Versey knew, the Carolina Panthers were going to give the Rams a game. It's 24-21, 6-20 to go in the third.
I got the game on the flat screen here.

I like what the Panthers are doing here. They're trying to establish the run game here.
They're chewing up the clock.

Anyway,

I just just lost my whole train of thought. You know, this is, at some point, I'm going to realize with my ADD, I cannot, I repeat, I cannot have a TV on in the background, but it is what it is.

I'll tell you, I'm starting to like,

I

fucking play drums, flow helicopters, rode motorcycles, and all that. Like the shit that I hear now.

I heard at the beginning of this podcast, I thought the guy said, hey, it's Adam and Eve

in the broadcast booth. And I'm going like, Adam and Eve, what is this? the fucking 700 club what am I watching here

Adam and Eve oh what they got some broad call in the game and then they cut to them

it was Adam and Drew Brees

just like oh

it's Adam and Drew Breeze not Adam and Eve

TV was turned down a little bit Turned down for what? Can somebody tell me why they haven't put Little John in a commercial yet?

A commercial yet where the fucking it's for a five-star hotel and they're showing all the amenities and then like the fucking

not the waitress the maid comes in like knocks on the door

and he opens the door and he's he's like, you know, yeah.

And she goes, turn down service. And he goes, turn down for what? Right? And then they cut to the music and they're like, Marriott, five nights only, fucking $69.99.

I mean if I am representing little John

I'm not waiting for that offer I'm going out and I'm actively pitching it

okay you can't sit on your hands in this business you can't sit on your hands in any business right now with with the way these nerds

are you know remember how nerds you know they used to get fucking picked up on in the sandbox and they take their toy and going home they're doing that with entire businesses

and instead of going home with the toy they're taking all the money and they're sticking it in their front pocket and they're walking away and then they're just saying oh the business is shrinking yeah right into your fucking pocket you greedy cunt

it's kind of amazing i always thought

that

like the end of this was gonna i just thought that the people doing it were gonna be a lot more sinister You know, I guess classic, like, Hollywood cinema sinister.

You know, big black mustache, twirling it. That's what I thought it was going to be.
I thought it was going to be type A psychos.

But I will say that the computer really leveled the playing field when it comes to

diabolical behavior. It used to be like nerds were nerds.
They nerded off with each other. They put on mascot uniforms and they had their little fuck-off parties.

And, you know, in the middle of a dungeon and dragon game. I mean, that's how they did it.

And then somewhere along the line, a laptop got invented, websites got invented, and then then online shopping, and

I don't know what happened. Everything's just,

everything went to like three people.

Now, I have to wonder, because

behind the politicians are these nerds that have swallowed up whole businesses. And behind those nerds,

okay, are

the oil companies and the pharmaceuticals and behind those people

is the Federal Reserve. And behind those people

is

the blue bloods that evidently go around the ocean in a giant armada that doesn't show up on any radar.

They just sail around the world running shit.

So I'm wondering, at what point are they going to feel that these nerds are getting a little too big for their britches? Because all of a sudden, if you've got a billion dollars,

you do have enough money to convince a former high school linebacker not only to be your security, but maybe to take a run at that armada if you get enough of them.

You could promise them, hey, you want to be a billionaire too? They are worth trillions of dollars. If you take out that fucking armada, I'll be a trillionaire and you guys will all be billionaires.

What do you say to that? I'll fucking do that shit.

That's what I want to see.

Enough with them coming at regular people. I want to see them go after each other.
That's what I was really hoping for, you know?

when that Luigi thing happened last year, man, or when it, yeah, like over a year ago, I was hoping that that was an organized hit and that CEOs were finally whacking other CEOs.

And it just turned out that it wasn't the case.

Anyway, and that's another Panthers first down. Look at that.
Look at that. Just going right down the goddamn field.

Anyway, a buddy of mine from Back East, hey, my family back east,

sent me a text last night because, you know, I'm always fucking whining about the goddamn state of sports. And he said,

you know, if you get a chance, watch Costellic destroys cider tonight. And he said, Visions of McQuaid, because one of my favorite fights,

sort of in the end of the Enforcer era, before it became finesse,

you know, which is just a different different kind of hockey, you know, it's sort of the ice capades

mixed with

hockey, I guess. More ice capades, less NHL hockey that I grew up with.

There's this fight. You got to look it up.
Adam McQuaid versus Rafi Torres.

And I remember Rafi Torres came down on the right side and he jumped up a little bit and he elbowed

Ference right across the face.

Our other defenseman, and McQuaid, without question, went right over, dropped the gloves, and beat the fucking shit out of the guy. And I just always remember seeing that.

I don't think I've ever, in the modern era,

well, before what it is now,

it's just textbook

defending of your teammate. Like, oh, is that how you guys are going to play? If this is how you're going to play, this is what's going to happen.

And I'll tell you, the Phoenix Coyotes became little chihuahuas after that,

as far as their cheap shit.

And so he told me, you know, because I was saying, you know, I went, sat front row, down in the front row for that Bruins Kings game.

Thank you to the Bruins, hooking me and Jackie Flynn up.

I was just amazed at the size of the players that could turn like

Brad Marchand. He had like guys 6'6, 6'5, 6'7.

And like those guys used to just be... First of all, they weren't even that big.
If you were that big, you played basketball.

And

now they can actually play hockey. And then it became you were just sort of this enforcer guy.
And now these guys, they're like that big, and they can turn like a forward.

It's insane. The level of skill.
And I will tell you, when I was sort of

in the back doing something for Nesson, I saw one of the players, like, this is the level

of savagery of the modern modern athlete. This guy's a hockey player.

It's before the game, and he's sort of doing this side gallop down the hall, juggling three tennis balls off of the wall, slowly galloping to the right and to the left.

Like, these guys are working out their fucking brains.

It's like, I thought going like, you know, 30 miles an hour backwards

trying to stop Carner McDavid was enough for your brain. but it's like, if we're going to stop this guy, we need to do this.
I mean, it's really insane.

The human ability. I mean, back in the day, if you could do that, if you could gallop sideways and juggle three balls off of a wall,

you were a fucking juggler.

You were going to work for a long time in the circus,

or at least doing college gigs around the country.

You know?

There was nobody in the NHL that could fucking do that. Now, I guess they do this before the goddamn game, and it explains their hand-eye coordination and the insane level of

talent.

I guess, you know,

try to learn how to do that.

My brain gets older. Maybe I'll something new.
It'd be funny if I tried it and I fainted.

It's too much taking

motor skills and hand-eye coordination. candy.

Anyway, old Billy back on the road, baby.

Going out tonight, tonight, tonight.

Remember that Phil Collins song? Oh.

Whole fucking song. Gonna make it right tonight, tonight, tonight.

Whoa. And he was so fucking popular, he got away with that.
You know, there was guys in the booth going like, hey, Phil, are you gonna maybe

write a little more stuff to say?

Uh-uh.

Tonight, tonight, tonight.

Oh,

I'm going to go out to do some stand-up.

I got a bunch of new shit that I'm going to try out. Very excited.

And get myself ready. I'm going up to Bakersfield, one of my favorite places to go.

Heading up there. Who the fuck do I got with me?

I think Ambria Allen and Dean Del Rey. I think that's who I got.

Should be a good time, man. A little up and back there.
And

they got a good coffee spot up there. By the time I get up there, it's going to be closed.
I'll build with the goddamn coffee. When are you going to stop with the goddamn coffee? All right.

Here's another fucking

celebrity ad.

If I was

Tommy Lee's from Motley Cruz agent, I would get him.

There's a clip of him

from back in the day doing a drum solo. And, you know, he's talking to the crowd and he's in Tacoma.
And he keeps going, Tacoma, Tacoma, you know? All right, Tacoma, right?

And they edit it all together, trying to make it look all spinal tappy. But of course, they cut out the amazing drum solo and all the other shit he said.

So it looks like all he said was Tacoma 50,000 fucking times. It has a bunch of views.
If I'm his agent,

why not get him

playing a drum solo, going Tacoma a bunch of times, going upside down and all that?

And then in the end, he drives off in a Toyota Tacoma. Bam!

There's another one.

See, this is what you do. You try to get people that you like work.

Okay, and considering the nerds are swallowing up show business and everybody has to do commercials now, you know, I'm going to look out for people that I like.

You know, I went to a Carolina Panthers game, everybody.

I did it. It reminded me of the old NFL, that

old stadium that they were playing in and all of that.

It would be really cool if they're kind of a low-key, like good team this year. By the way, does anybody have any idea who's winning the Super Bowl this year?

I saw a game Tom Brady did, was announcing, and he, he, I don't know if he was thinking what I was, what I'm trying to say here. He said, this is a weird year.

And I think, I don't know, was he alluding to the fact that there's no clear frontrunner

for the playoffs? Like, I think the Chiefs are done.

Unless they win all the way out and like 50 things happen, they got a bunch of division losses.

I don't know.

And the Ravens didn't step up. The Bills didn't step up.
And my Patriots out of nowhere

are killing it.

But like,

I don't know. I mean, I just don't.

I'm just talking like AFC here. Oh, by the way, my Patriots are playing the Giants tonight.

You know, in the New York sports media. who fucking blows New York Knick fans.
And anytime the Giants play the Patriots, they go back. Now they're going back 18 years.

You remember when they were on the fate of the da-da-da-da, you know, and that whole myth that Eli Manning beat Tom Brady rather than it was the Giants' front four that destroyed our offensive line and moved Tom off his spot and got him moving, which he wasn't comfortable.

Or the second one when it was Brady to Welker and it was a little behind him and Welker didn't catch it and gave him the ball back. That's what fucked us on that one.

But now it's becoming Eli just had their number.

Oh, was he a coach? Was he out there tackling people? But that's what they're going to do. That's what they're going to do.

And they're going to ignore the fact that the Patriots went to five more Super Bowls

after that first loss to the Giants. Won three, lost two, won a total of six, and have more Super Bowls than the Giants, Bills, and Jets all put together.

I don't know what to tell you. And Tom went on to win number seven with the fucking Buccaneers.

But if you want to act like, you know, Eli's a better quarterback than Tom Brady, you know, go ahead and have that. New York.
You guys all know that you don't have to accomplish as much in New York.

If you do something in New York, it's never, oh my God, you do it in fucking Seattle. People forget

Ken Griffey Jr., Ichiro. I mean, those were two of the greatest baseball players I've ever seen in my life.
If they did that shit in New York City, oh my God.

They'd have fucking statues in Times Square for him. All right, maybe not that, though.
Let's fucking relax.

Anyway, plowing ahead here. They're playing tonight.

We'll see what happens. I have no idea.

I just can't believe that we're 10-2.

I was like, how the fuck are we 10-2?

We have the best record in the AFC. It doesn't make any sense.
On paper, you look at the whole fucking thing.

It doesn't make any sense that it wasn't the Bills, Ravens, Chiefs.

Other teams got injuries, or even like who knew,

you know,

old fucking Aaron Rodgers with the Steelers.

So I'll be honest with you, I have no idea

who's going to win

basically from week to week, but

I need a big week to catch back up with the bookie. I swear to God.

I was right at 500 after having a horrific start.

And all it takes is one one in three week. I pick four games a week, and then you just go under.
Somewhere in November, you just go under and you don't resurface.

Jesus Christ, look at the size of these fucking concussion-proof helmets.

You know what they need to do is they need to fucking elongate the human tongue and have it wrap around the human brain like it does on a woodpecker. Because a woodpecker never gets concussions.

There's no concussion protocol with the woodpecker. And evidently, because it has a tongue.
I can't believe this. I was on the internet.
The tongue, the back of the tongue wraps around the brain

and fucking somehow cushions whatever's going on here. Fucking stomach growling.
Oh Billy fucking trying to drop weight. Oh Billy diet face.
Oh Billy diet face.

I got to eat more though. I haven't been eating lately.
Just been fucking working.

Having like a cup of coffee in the morning and then I just had fucking eggs at noon.

You got to eat, dude. You got to eat, bro.
You want to lose the fucking weight? You got to fucking eat. Hey, I don't have to fucking do anything.

Well, you know, if you know, if you don't want to accept the help that's out there,

I'll tell you, when I go to the gym, I always like low-key spy on like younger people's workouts.

Like when they pick up the kettlebells or they do like body weight exercises, it's just like shit from the future.

And I just like, like, what is that?

That's what a push-up looks like now?

You know?

Or that one where they do a squat and they got like one

kettlebell, they squat down and then they push the kettlebell up and then they stand back up.

It's like, I guess this guy, is this guy, is that like

an actual exercise or is this guy late for work? Because it seems like he's doing his shoulders.

They do it all at once. I don't know.
I just look at that stuff and I think about it for half a second. I was like, you know what? Dance with what brung you.

You know, if I was 20, 25 years younger, I would try new exercises like that. I would try that exercise out with

like my socks balled up in my hand instead of a kettlebell.

Not trying to go out there and fucking

blow out an ACL, doing a one-legged squat, pushing a fucking kettlebell up on the other side to work my core.

But anyways, let's get to the holiday. How was your holiday? Did you guys have a good one with the Thanksgiving there? Did you avoid it? I didn't give you your pep talk.

Your pep talk. This is how you deal with family members.

Now that, let's look at the game film, considering it's after Thanksgiving.

One of the things I like to do when I feel like, you know, something,

this probably isn't going to go well.

Or something's going to get brought up.

shit that happened in the past politics ex-girlfriends ex-boyfriends something's going to fucking something's going to happen

um i do this thing where

when i'm talking to somebody that i've had like difficulty with in the past which i'm taking my oh you motherfucker get out of bounds um

i'm rooting for paul verse's bet here um I've had difficulty with people or whatever. I'm doing this new thing where they start talking and I just let them talk

until they figure out that I haven't.

I just sit there and I nod and I nod

and I nod a little more, and then

you know, I nod some more, and then they finally stop talking,

and I just go, Yeah, you know,

I hear you.

And then they'll just look

and they

get it.

It's not that I don't have anything to add. It's just I don't want to do this.
I don't want to get into this with you, man.

Let's just fucking chill out and have a nice fucking,

nice fucking dinner. I didn't have any desserts.
Old Billy's dialed in. I didn't do the fucking Thanksgiving for breakfast every day like I used to.
I used to do that fucking, I'd have Thanksgiving.

And then I would have Thanksgiving for breakfast Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And then on Monday, I would go in and I would get my cholesterol checked.

And the guy'd be like, Jesus Christ, we need to put you on lipitor. And I would be like, just relax.
I'll come back in a month.

It's like, what the fuck are you checking it for? The Monday after Thanksgiving. This has got to be a big money day for you, buddy.
What do you get?

800 bucks per patient trying to get us on this shit? Do you know that they do that? Those fucking goddamn piece of shit, pharmaceutical companies?

Five, six, seven, eight hundred bucks from what I've heard

to get you on the drugs to bring your shit down and fuck up your kidneys or your liver.

That's the game, man.

Fix this while fucking up that.

You know, like you ever have work done in your house, and as they're fixing that, they're fucking up the door jam, bringing shit in and out. It's just never fixed up.
It never ends.

I don't know. Let's see here.
I feel like the Rams are going to win this game, but I don't think they're going to cover.

It's 11.15 to go in the game. It's 24-21.
The Rams are driving.

They got Matthew Dafford under fucking center.

And I just think he's got too much goddamn experience. I think maybe they got a better coach.
Who knows? He's got a Super Bowl ring, right? Spend a two.

Spend a two, we won one.

Last time the Pats won a Super Bowl, we beat the Rams. First time we beat the first time.

I don't care what city the fucking Rams are in. Oh my my fucking God, what a catch.

Holy shit. Sorry.

What the fuck?

He's definitely juggling some balls off a wall. That sounds dirty.
What the fuck was that?

This is one of the sickest one-handed catches I've seen in a minute.

Stumbles.

He catched. He caught it with his inside arm.

god damn that was a great catch.

Dude, these fucking today's athletes, okay, I don't like the rules of the game or whatever, but I will never take it away from these are the most talented people that have ever played the fucking game.

Touchdown Rams.

And same thing with like fighters. Like

the fucking UFC fighters are the most insane.

Just like, how do you want to do this? you want to be on the ground you want to stand up you want to kick what the fuck do you want to do i can do it all

like i feel like ufc fighters are kind of the legitimate like action like all those action heroes that i watched when i was a kid and they were going to a bar and beat up like 80 fucking people

you know it's funny

is all they were doing was throwing punches and grabbing them and sliding them across the bar it was always a bunch of drinks they'd always go up and over the the bar and into some glass, or they'd slam them, choke, slam them down onto a table, and everybody waited their turn.

Okay, it was a respectful time. You didn't bring up politics or religion.
And if 10 of you were going to fight one guy, you all waited your fucking turn.

We learned anything from Bruce Lee movies. You wait your fucking turn, and then you go in, and then he fucking,

you know, it was respect for his martial arts,

the artistic way way he did his martial arts, his artistry. That's what I'm trying to say.

And you know, all 100 of them, after they got their ass kicked by Bruce Lee, they all got up and they exchanged notes. Like,

how did he fuck you up? Oh, he did this, he did that. Oh, well, with me, he did that.
He fucking can do that too. Like,

Bruce Lee could have 100 guys come at you, 100 different fucking ways of fucking you up. But it was a movie.

These UFC guys actually can do that. Could walk into a bar and fight five regular guys.

Oh my God, how quickly would you know you were in trouble?

You know?

If the bar was dark and all of a sudden he gets in his grill, and that's when you first clock the cauliflower ears, and you're like, oh no.

Let me rephrase that. What I was trying to say.

Anyway,

fucking amazing. Amazing, amazing.
So, yeah, hockey, the football, all of this shit. Oh, look at these guys in the steam room.

It's an odd thing here. I actually saw a fucking great, really funny commercial today.
Have you guys seen

that Teddy Bridgewater commercial where the girl's talking to the other girl? And she's, you know, venting about her relationship that isn't working. And then the other girl's not listening.

She goes, ah, that's it. And then she calls in Teddy Bridgewater and he comes in.
He said, Teddy Bridgewater, backup listener. And then he sits down.

And just the choice he makes, the way he, you know, is sitting there listening was hilarious. He delivered the lines hilarious.

And I was like, God damn, that is a funny fucking commercial. And for some reason, I figured I'd share it to you, forgetting what he said.
Hey, you know what? You're not a mechanic.

It's not your job to fix it. That's what he said.
Something like that.

Anyway, did you guys watch Alabama Auburn? The Red River? Not the Red River, the fucking Iron Bull.

That was a great game. Alabama pulling it out in the end.
But how about Auburn, man? Just giving them a fucking game. That was a wildly

entertaining game. It's my favorite one out of all of them.
How State finally handled

the Michigan Wolverines. My Michigan Wolverines.
I love those guys.

And now, as always, every couple of years, Lane Kiffin is looking for a new gig.

You know what I mean?

I was joking with a buddy of mine where he's like,

he's like one of those actors that always had like a new sitcom that was coming out. Like, Lane Kiffin is forever going to a new college program.

Like, he was at Tennessee, he was at USC, he was at Alabama, Mississippi.

And now my buddy's an LSU fan. He's thinking, what do you think if he comes in,

coaches at LSU is that I don't know did he come up to the NFL too

like Lane Kiffin is a made guy

but you know I will say everywhere he goes he does make the program better they do become winners so he knows what the hell he's doing but

he doesn't stick around

He's got that

It's like he's in the Allman Brothers, you know, you just got to keep moving Lord. I was born a rambling rambling man.

I think in the end of it, he might coach every team in the SEC.

He's already been at three. I know he wasn't the head coach in Alabama, but he's been at all.
He's been at... He's probably been to more.
I have no fucking idea.

Anyway, I don't have the reads yet. I was trying to knock out a half hour of this because

I got some bidding.

I got fucking business tomorrow.

Just trying to get ahead of it here. Gonna watch the rest of this game, though.
Wait for my reads and all that shit to come in. And as always, with the magic of editing, you're not gonna have to wait.

All right, I'm back.

Jesus Christ, just went down the fucking improv.

Shaking the rust off. My God.

That was terrible. Terrible, I tell you.
All right, quo, QU-O.

Let's talk about something everybody, let's talk about every business owner.

Wait, let's talk about something everybody knows knows too well. No, let's talk about something every business owner knows too well.
I can't get that fucking song out of my head.

Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me.
Let's talk about all the business owners knows too well missed fucking calls.

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Smartest goddamn way to hire. Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani.
My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu. I promise you're going to laugh.
I am an immigrant. Damn.

Are there any other immigrants here?

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Terms apply.

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all right finally

we have finally made it finally the rock has come back to the questions all right holiday bums

By the way, I don't want to get all the emails like, wow, dude, your energy totally fucking changed.

I know it did.

I'll admit it. I can chill.
Is that what you want? You want me to back off, man? Huh? You say the word, and I'll fucking back off, bro.

How about the fucking Jets

for no fucking reason deciding to win game three this year?

God forbid you get a good draft pick.

Holiday bums. That was the ugliest game-winning field goal I've ever seen in my life.

All right, holiday bums.

Hey, Billy Boy, I'm here to bitch a little.

Well, you've come to the right place and given me a break for my bitching. People who don't go to town at the holidays are wasting their lives.

People who don't go to town at their holidays are wasting their lives. I don't mean people who can't afford it.
I'm talking about people who are too lazy for tradition. Oh, you mean go all out?

I'm taking everything literally. I'm like, well, what town? What town are we talking about?

Christmastown? Thanksgiving town?

P-Town for fucking Halloween?

Oftentimes, these people will act so enamored by other cultures and traditions, but when it comes to their own lives, they'd rather watch Netflix marathons and stare at their phones.

All right, well, which holiday are we talking? We're talking Thanksgiving, because if you tap out on Thanksgiving on Halloween, I got a problem with you.

But, you know, if you don't do shit for Christmas, because you see it for what it is, if you got kids, you got to do something. But if you're an adult, like, what are we doing?

Let's just take the day off and

save our money.

All right, you know what my gift is? My gift to you is you don't have to give me shit.

And I won't get you shit. How about that? Oftentimes, these people will act...

As you can see, I'm covering a lot of ground here.

All right, well, geez, you're not shy about giving yourself a compliment there. You are covering a lot of ground there.
I guess I was supposed to say that. Why, yes, you are.

You are covering a lot of ground.

Me and all the listeners, well, we're going to try to keep up with you, buddy.

He said, I think my generation, I'm 38, has given up a lot on tradition because they simultaneously hate themselves and think they're better than everyone.

Well, a lot of times when you hate yourself, Then then the ego has to come up to balance you out. You know what I mean?

It's like the old doing, you know, you did too much Coke, you drank drank a little bit of alcohol to try to bring it down.

That's my generation.

And that's, and what's with people showing up to others' houses in sweatpants, I agree. I didn't grow up in a buttoned-up, no pun intended household.
We were middle of the ground.

When it came to a lot of things, but at least up until at the age of 16, my mom made us dress nice when we were going to our grandparents' house.

One set set of cousins would show up looking like slobs. You don't need a suit and tie, but at least wear something you wouldn't wear on a sick day.
Thanks for hearing me out. Go fuck yourself.

You know what? I agree with a lot of that.

I'm alright. If someone doesn't want to fucking be involved in the holidays, I actually think that's kind of cool.
Like Christmas, if you like, I'm not fucking doing that shit.

I actually think that's great because then you're not behind.

You don't have to worry. You're not stressing.

You're not going to websites now and you give them the email, then you've got to confirm that it's you. By the way, you don't.

You don't have to confirm.

Like, I didn't confirm, Dan, I was still able to buy something. Like, I was trying to buy these fucking light bulbs today.

The overhead lighting, the track lighting. So I'm trying to get the warm, whatever the fuck it is, the warm light, not the soul-sucking fluorescent light,

you know, like I'm, you know, I don't know, an office building in 1968. I don't want to be underneath that shit.

And I was perusing, they have, you know,

bright light, something,

soft. I think it was soft white.
That's what I wanted. They had all these different ones, and they didn't have the ones that I wanted, so I just keep looking and looking.

And then one of the light bulbs, you had actually had to download an app

for the light bulb.

Meaning that the light bulb was somehow tracking you and taking information.

I told you I got a new refrigerator in my kitchen and I opened it up and by the third day I looked in and I go, is that a fucking camera? There's a camera.

So then they sell these things online to cover up the camera. So I'm like, I'm not using those things.

Like, why would you sell

make the camera and then sell the thing to cover it up? I feel like you guys are both in business. You're getting money off me twice and it's more like sunglasses on the camera.

So it looks like to me, you blocked the camera, but you really didn't. So I got like electrical tape and just put it on.

Fucking curtsy.

You fucking curts.

Definitely with the dressing down, like dressing like bums.

If I was a young man right now, I actually think dressing shop would get you a lot of ladies. Because everybody else is,

I don't know, maybe he's talking about older people.

There is something about

when you get older, too, if you still dress nice,

people respect you more, they notice you, makes you feel good about yourself. If you don't dress nice, like

you send it out to the world that you quit, and everybody's just like, okay,

duly noted, noted. Don't need to deal with that guy.

That's the fashion equivalent in my business of being part of somebody's entourage.

If you want to make it in this business, the last thing you do is become part of somebody's entourage.

Because then you are no longer seen as somebody trying to make it. You are seen as

sort of an extension of the person they actually want to hire for the movie or give the gig to. And you're just sort of the fucking wacky sidekick.
You turn yourself into Robin.

And then you gotta fucking, you know,

you gotta hang around and wait till whoever's running the entourage is ready to go and everybody's going to like fucking, you know.

It's such a weird dynamic, the entourage.

And then as the performer, to have an entourage, that's also a dangerous thing because then your good mood becomes like currency.

So no matter what's going on, everybody's going to act like everything's fucking great to keep you in a good mood so everybody gets paid.

So then you don't start, start, you stop like not understanding if you're doing quality work. These are just my opinions, people.

All right?

Take it or leave it, okay? You know, you know what? I covered a lot of ground on that.

Like that last listener, he did cover a lot of ground. He went from fucking sweatpants to,

you know, put up a Santa hat. Put a Santa hat on, you bastard.
All right, ordering the dinner.

Dear Bill Giblet face. oh Jesus, insulting me.
This year, my sister-in-law insisted we go to her house for Thanksgiving.

Okay.

This would be fine, except I'd rather go to my parents' house because that's where I'm going to feel the most comfortable. Know the food is going to be great, and I have to,

and I get to have a holiday. in my childhood home.

The holy trifecta.

All right, I like how you're thinking here. So after convincing my family to have it at her house, we expect her to go all out.
Oh, no.

But my mother and my wife wanted to bring something like dessert or a side. She refused and said she had it all covered.

My spidey sense didn't like any of this. Oh my god, I've been to a Thanksgiving like this.

And I remember I snuck out.

I forget what my excuse was.

Oh, I remember I snuck out and said I was going to go down to the laugh factory and feed food to the homeless, which I did for like seven minutes.

And then I went next door to Greenblatt's and I got a fucking Thanksgiving dinner.

All right. But my mother and my wife.

Okay. My sputty sense didn't like any of this.
Well, I was right to have my concerns.

We show up and there's a huge spread, but she ordered it from a local place that basically is a whole food type store.

I wouldn't be so pissed except that she was hyping up all the work she was doing. The food wasn't that bad, but it wasn't home-cooked.
It wasn't my mom's work.

I didn't go in with a good attitude, but the fact that she was talking up the meal and

all she did was have to pay for it and pick it up kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

Yeah, like

I mean, anybody could have done that, but she should have said it. You're turning down home-cooked meals

or like sides and a dessert? You at least could have had that.

He goes, I know I sound like a whiny cunt who's not thankful at a time when I should be. No, no, no, you're 100% right.
You had another dip place to go to that was going to be home-cooked food,

and you showed up and she went to Ralph's.

Anyway, the person says, I'm thankful that everyone is happy and healthy and that I have access to food, but give me a fucking break. Don't be proud of ordering food.

Either you're cooking or you're a live-in waitress

acting as the face of the food you didn't make.

I went to a restaurant today and I had to figure out their fucking iPad. And I ordered everything.
And then in the end, they asked me for a tip.

So then if you give a tip, the people behind the counter, it goes to management and then they give a percentage of that it's such fucking bullshit

But you know people use Apple Pay stupid the same people use Apple Pay are gonna use those driverless cars. They're so dumb.
They're such stupid fucking people. They just don't think

Phasing out cash. Jesus Christ.
What the fuck are you doing?

Now they're gonna in the future. They're gonna know every fucking transaction you ever did

and then they're gonna fuck you even harder on taxes.

And when you bitch about it online, you're gonna get into your own driverless car, and the doors are gonna lock, and it's gonna take you to go get fucking re-educated.

It's a police car, it's your own private police car, and you're gonna be microchipped, and you're gonna be in the fucking car, and they'll just press a button, and it will drive you to them to begin the torture.

I'm sorry, re-education process.

All right, getting a little crazy here. We're talking Thanksgiving, though.
Relax, all right? Let's, let's, let's not fucking

throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Hockey films. Bill, hope all is well.
Listening to your November 24th Monday morning podcast and thought I would send a message from the state of hockey, Minnesota. Absolutely.

This week's podcast, you brought up two things that caught my attention: obscure films and old hockey. Have you seen the 2005 Canadian film The Rocket about Maurice Richard? I haven't.
Fantastic film.

It shows hockey and life before your or my time.

I am older at 64.

Very eye-opening life,

both on and off the ice. If you have not seen it, please do.
A lot of it is in French so you can polish up on your French speaking skills.

I've listened to so much French, when I listen to Canadians speak French, it doesn't sound like French to me.

Another off-the-beaten path watch you might enjoy is the Canadian TV series The Tournament 2005.

I got a couple for you. The Boys on the Bus,

which sounds like a gay porno, but I swear to God it isn't. It's about the Edmonton Oilers.

I think before they won their first cup, Paul Coffey, Gretzky, Messier, Yari Curry, Grant Fuhrer, Glenn Anderson, all those motherfuckers. Mike Krushzoniski, didn't he go over there

from the Bruins?

Who else went over there?

Oh, God, what the fuck? Craig McTavish.

Anyway.

And of course, Slapshot. Everybody's seen that one, though, right? Another Off the

Young Blood.

Another Off the Beaten Path by the Tournament. It's a mockumentary style show about youth hockey and how nutty the adults are.
The funniest thing

I can remember about this series is how a parent talked about Uncle Phil,

meaning Phil Esposito, always stopping over at his single mother's home and ending up making pancakes for him the next morning.

Phil does appear in the episode. Having raised two boys in this state, youth hockey was unavoidable, so I lived that nonsense.
Happy holiday to you and your family. Oh, that's a fucking great idea.

I gotta watch that. The tournament 2005

and The Rocket. I would love to read that or see that film, as they say,

as they say. say,

as you say, as they say.

Anyway, how much fucking time have I done here? 20 minutes plus 29. Oh, God, we're up to 50 minutes.
Just like that, dude. Just like fucking that.

All right, so now we are into December.

Have a December to remember. Go online and buy a bunch of fucking shit.
You don't need.

Celebrate the fucking bastard in your life.

um

i got my shit all done my wife bought some things my lovely wife bought some stuff so i have to wrap these and once i wrap these i am done i'm ready to go i'm gonna go get the goddamn tree

you know i used to get one on black friday the day after thanksgiving i would just immediately go right into it but then the thing like dies

you know It doesn't like turn brown, but like all the branches are like hanging down. like it's a it jumped off a bridge and it's about ready to hit the water.

You know, it wants to fucking knife in, like it threw a it threw a rock down.

I still don't get that. Like, you throw the rock down so the water's moving.
If the water's moving, it's not,

it doesn't feel as hard, it doesn't feel as bad as concrete.

Um, I finally understand why, at a certain speed, water hurts.

I guess it just can't get out of the way fast enough.

I've jumped off a few things that are a little higher, and my feet hit the water. I remember like, oh, that fucking hurt.

Oh, Jesus.

The worst is when you jump off a bridge to kill yourself and you don't die.

That's got to be the worst.

Then you're like suicidal and like like stinging.

Oh, God. And you wanted to kill yourself before your body was all fucking red and stinging.
Jesus Christ, now how fucking suicidal are you?

Anyway.

How the fuck did I end up start talking about suicide? You should reach out for help though.

I learned that one. You know, not when I was suicidal, just when I was going through some shit.
I used to, there's so much shit you hear and you just don't think it applies to you.

You know? Like, you know, if you're going through something, you should reach out, talk to people. I used to always hear that.

I was always, I used to, you know, when I was younger, I was like, that's fucking gay, right?

Yeah, this year, you know, I kind of went through some shit and I reached out to some people and I was like, yeah, that actually makes you feel a lot better.

As opposed to just sitting there doing the John Wayne thing?

Well, I'm just going to sit here and deal with it myself, you know.

That's not the way to go

because you don't have any answers, and then you come up with the solution, and then

that's how that goes, man.

It is a slippery goddamn slope. All right, so Monday night football.

The Patriots versus the Giants. I got a a good feeling.

You know, the Giants got a bunch of injuries.

I don't know. We will see.
We will see. It will be funny to watch Giants still living their glory days.

I do. Whenever they give me shit, I go, you realize that was like fucking 17 years ago.

Hey, you remember two decades ago? Yeah, I do. It's fading, but yeah, I do.

You know?

Do you remember the decade after when we won three more Super Bowls?

Some reason you don't remember that part? That's weird. You also remember we also lost to the Eagles.
You weren't the only ones, so I mean, I don't fucking.

New York is weird like that. They always get like they get something on, they just want to keep doing it for fucking ever.
Long past when it matters.

I like that they finally said fuck Boston. They finally like moved on from that 1918 cadence when they were trying to go Boston sucks.

That right there should let you know.

All right. You know what New York and Boston have in common? Is most this most of the smart people there are from somewhere else.

Like Boston has this weird thing where it's like the meathead capital of the world.

You know?

You've been listening to me for an hour, so obviously you know that's true. And then we also have like MIT and Harvard.

BU. And all these smart schools, dude.
Nobody I knew went to those fucking schools. I knew a bunch of people that went to Quincy Jr.

or Bunker Hill Community College. UMass Amherst, dude.

Go out there, come out of there with like, back in the day, like you'd come out like 30 grand in debt and fucking cirrhosis of the liver.

And you'd know at least one person that knew somebody that was the person that fell off the elevators. They used to ride elevators.

They jump back and forth and kids would like, they would have fatalities at their parties out there. It's fucking insane.

Fucking insane school. I don't think I ever went there.

I went to UMass Boston, but I never went to,

I didn't tell you guys that.

I went to UMass Boston for a few semesters. I did tell you this story.
It was just told everybody commuted. So everybody just came to class and they got the fuck out of there.

And one time the kinks were playing, and we were all thinking, like, that's not like the kinks, the real kinks, that's like

spelt with like a lowercase K or some shit. What is this?

And I took a chance, and it was the actual kinks, and they didn't promote the gig, and there was like fucking 80 people there, and I and the kinks fucking destroyed.

And that was the best, that was my best memory

of going to

UMass Boston.

Used to take the red line in

from Quincy Adams.

Then, you know, and I was psyched taking the train in.

I felt like I was, you know, because I was a suburb kid, I felt, I'm taking the subway, so I feel like I'm taking the red line, like I'm some badass, right?

Then after about a month, I'm like, the fucking subway sucks. So then I would go to Quincy Center, and then I would go to Walston Beach, and I would go all the way to that last one.

North Quint, not North Quince, whatever the, what was that last stop called?

And I would just take it like one stop over that goddamn bridge and I would I would be right there.

I would park my truck, but then I'd be more towards the inner city and then you'd get your fucking radio stolen.

Those were the days and you knew when you were there. All right, that's the podcast, everybody.
I was serious about that. You know, if you're going through some shit, call up a buddy.

You'll feel better. You'll feel better.
Don't just sit there by yourself,

sulking. You'll get through it.

Then you got a story, and then you're stronger because you got through it. All right, that's it, everybody.
Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.
I promise you're gonna laugh.

I am an immigrant.

Are there any other immigrants here?

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Terms apply. Let's be honest, parenting is a juggle.
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