Jet Lag, The Pretenders, Wimbelton | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-25

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Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

And I'm just checking in,

checking in on you.

What's going on?

How you been?

Oh my god, I feel like I haven't talked to you guys in forever.

Sorry, I just been traveling like a maniac and

I am not,

I don't know, I haven't been sleeping well.

I haven't been sleeping well, and I'm drinking coffee because that's the only thing I have left, and that's not helping obviously with me sleeping.

But, like, you know, what am I supposed to do?

I'm traveling and I want to see what people's coffee tastes like.

You know, you like how you guys didn't say, Hey, Bill, how come you're not sleeping?

I'm actually kind of like giving you guys shit.

Like, you said, Bill, what the fuck?

Why don't you sleep more?

Why are you drinking so much coffee?

Anyway, how do I get caught up here?

All right, so I went to, by the way, I just fucking woke up and it's five in the afternoon, 5.09 in the afternoon.

I finally just decided I'm not fighting fucking jet lag anymore at my age.

I'm not doing this shit where I stay up or try to make myself go to sleep.

I'm just going to fucking

if I get tired, I'm going to sleep.

Eventually this shit will work itself out.

Or it doesn't.

And if it doesn't, when I go back to the States, I don't have to fucking worry about trying to get acclimated.

you know

i learned that trick by uh i worked with dom irera

like 10 years ago or something like that in australia and i was like oh man i'm so fucking jet-laked he goes i'm not he goes i just fucking if i'm tired i just go to sleep he's like i don't give a shit

if i'm up till four in the morning i don't give a fuck and i'm like

yeah that's right what am i fucking trying to go to disneyland out here i'm not i i work nights anyway

what am i doing?

I don't get along with day people.

I used to be a day person.

I used to be a morning person.

You know, I had a fucking paper root.

And then once I got into doing stand, I always,

when I was a kid, sleeping in was 7 a.m.

If you can believe, oh man, how old do I sound now?

Oh, let me tell you, kids, something.

When I was a kid, why is this thing redlining?

Oh, I guess I had the volume all the way up.

That'll do it.

Anyway,

yeah, weekday, the paper had to be there before 7 a.m., so I'd get up at a quarter to six.

And then

on the weekends, it had to be there by 8 in the morning.

So I could get up at 7.

Oh, my God.

That was incredible.

7 a.m.

and no school.

Little Billy Burr and his fucking bicycle and his bag bag of papers, riding down the street, all freckled and dumb, thinking he was going to go to Notre Dame and go to law school and become a lawyer.

That's what I thought was going to happen.

That's not what happened.

It's not even remotely what happened.

Anyway, and then once I got into,

you know, fucking

doing stand-up and shit.

It completely flipped.

And then I had kids and then it went back.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm fucking jet lagged, people.

I'm going to be babbling a lot on this.

So, anyway, I went to London.

I can't believe I hadn't been there since I did Paper Tiger back in 2019.

I thought it had only been like three years.

It was six.

So,

can't do that again.

So, I went there and had an absolutely

amazing, amazing time.

First of all,

I don't know where to start.

I played the Odeon, the Hammersmith, the Apollo, whatever they call it, which I've always loved because

there's like a fucking highway, like elevated.

Like you could jump off the highway

onto the venue.

And that venue I played a long time ago.

And you can probably find the podcast whenever it was.

It was like probably early

last decade.

Yeah, Bill, that's what the fuck we want to do.

Sift through all of your fucking.

Well, maybe you can look up when I played there if they have that information.

I have no idea.

And then he could sync it up with the

podcast.

And I guarantee you, I was thinking what I was thinking this last time I did it, two nights ago, was whenever I go into that venue.

I'm sorry, I'm fucking dehydrated here.

No, I have not been smoking.

Still have not smoked a cigar since January.

Still fucking going.

I'm not saying I've quit them forever, but I'm just taking this fucking extended break.

My daughter said I could have a few when I'm in Italy.

But then I'm thinking, like, do I want to start back up again and then have to go through quitting?

That's my thing.

It's not the starting, it's the quitting.

I just don't want to go through.

That's how I stopped drinking.

I didn't stop drinking because I was just like, you you know what?

Like, this is it.

My fucking life is out of control.

The da da da da da, and all of that shit.

I mean,

there were aspects of that that was true, but it was more just like, I don't want to, I don't want to go through quitting again.

I don't want to be Billy Booze face.

I don't want to wake up hungover.

I don't want to go through this shit again.

I'm fucking tired, man.

So,

anyway,

so here was the deal.

It was for Glenn Tipton's foundation to help find a cure for Parkinson's.

And it was a gig that I was going to do a long time ago before COVID.

And then COVID happened, and then I had a son, and then we did old dads, and all that shit I was saying on Monday, on the Monday morning podcast.

So it finally happened.

And then simultaneously over the years,

Chrissy Hine, who the first time I met her, she came to see me at that gig at Hammersmith, but she didn't come backstage

because we didn't know each other and she thought it would be weird.

But when I did

Royal Albert, that's the first time I met her.

So

I was telling her, you know, I was a failed drummer and all of that.

And we were talking about first concerts, which is so amazing.

I told her about Judas Priest.

And

my parents were there.

My mother was saying how her first concert, my mother saw Elvis Presley before he was famous in Sarasota Florida doing five show uh sets in this little theater in Sarasota she saw him at like three in the afternoon in a half-filled house and like three weeks later he did like no not three weeks later

like three months later he did um

the Ed Sullivan show and I looked the whole fucking thing up he had a gig in Sarasota in like February and I think July he did Ed Sullivan I haven't looked it up in a while and

she was telling all the kids at school that she saw him.

And they're like, yeah, no, you didn't see him.

She goes, I'm telling you, I saw the guy.

So anyway, Chrissy was obviously enjoying that story.

And

through talking to her about that,

you know,

we came up with an idea one time, like we both like playing smaller places and shit.

She goes,

Just for the fun of it, she goes, we should just do like a comedy music night one night, whatever it is, or maybe do a couple of dates, go through England, and maybe you could sit in on drums,

you know,

on a couple of songs.

And I was like, fucking twist my arm, I would do that in a second.

And England's a really, really gorgeous country.

When you, when, you know, London's great and everything, but once you get outside of London, you get more like

in between their major cities and everything.

There's

it's a really peaceful place, at least visiting.

I know they get the shit text out of them, so that's not too peaceful but

I do remember doing one of these runs leading up to Royal Albert that I was with one of the promoters

and on the way to a gig we were going by his hometown and also his favorite place to get fish and chips and I'm like that's your favorite place to get that he goes yeah I go dude we're fucking going there so We went, we got fish and chips, and then we sat by this little fucking

stream

that had these locks in it.

You know what I mean?

Like you're going through the Panama Canal, but it was small and these little boats and shit.

And we just fucking sat there on a bench eating fish and chips as he was telling me stories about growing up there.

And it was like a perfect, you know, sunny day, but not hot.

And

I remember while it was happening, I was like going like, I need to do shit like this when I'm on the fucking road.

So my brain isn't going 90 million miles an hour.

So anyway,

so that's what I was thinking when Chrissy was saying we should go do a run of dates.

I was like, oh my god, you know, fucking talk to locals, find out where they eat.

I'll do that, and I'll sit by little streams, and maybe I won't be such a fucking angry lunatic.

I'll start playing the flute, sitting next to the streams, and then I'll fucking meet Robert Plant.

You know, write some fucking lyrics about it.

There's a ginger I know

who's got no fucking flow, but he still plays the drums with some pee he pole.

Anyway,

so all of that shit led up to what happened two nights ago.

I finally get to do the benefit.

And it was basically

Bianca Christovao, Adam Rowe, myself, all doing stand-up.

And then in the end the pretenders came out and we and

you know

they did a set.

So

I go down there, right?

And I'm supposed to, we're supposed to do like fucking three songs.

Oh, I forget,

I'm fucking this up.

I land in England,

drop my bags at the hotel, and immediately go

to this rehearsal space to run these songs.

And we were basically playing and chrissy picked out the songs based on

you know

her listening to my act and concerts she'd been she'd been to so she picked ace of spades motorhead

um because she saw motorhead at that venue years and years and years ago Then she she picked Honey, What Do You Do for Money by AC DC because I always do bits about gold digging whores.

And then she picked Breaking the Law because of Glenn Tipton.

So we went in

and I got into the rehearsal space fucking jet lagged

and met the two other guys I was going to be playing with Dave Page on bass or bass player and James Walburn on guitar and they could not have been cooler.

They was and they were fucking amazing musicians.

They were so fucking great.

And they were they were also just like so chill, so fucking cool, and so welcoming.

I was kind of worried I was going to be getting to look like,

all right, you know, Chrissy, is this the jerk off we have to be fucking be playing with?

But it wasn't like that at all.

They were all,

you know, just came in, just everybody was vibing, shooting the shit.

We sat down.

We played Ace of Spades.

It went well.

We all looked around and went like, it was pretty good.

All right, let's do the ACDC one.

You know, I grew up playing into that, so that one went good.

And then we did

Breaking the Law.

And she turned around.

She was like, not bad, not bad.

You know, sat down, shot the shit a little bit.

She goes, you want to do them again?

I said, all right.

So we did them again.

And we kind of looked around like, yeah,

yeah, you know.

We're going to fuck up here or there, but I think it's going to be fun.

So she's like, all right, cool.

Well, you know, we'll run them again tomorrow at sound check.

So I say, fine.

So

and i fucking go home i'm up till like four or five in the morning

i finally fall asleep i wake up at like one or two in the afternoon

and uh i get a text message

because they put the pretender's name on the marquee first we put chrissy's name up there and she was like i don't want my name on on the marquee So we said, Bill Burr and the pretenders.

So then she saw it and she's like, well, fuck, now we got to do a pretenders song.

You know,

do you want to do it?

I know it's last second.

Why don't we do Don't Get Me Wrong?

And I was sleeping through all of that.

And she's like, hey, if you don't want to do it, it's no big deal.

Yeah.

And then just, yeah, you know, fuck it.

Forget it.

We'll just do the three.

So then I woke up and I read all of that.

And I was just like, hey, you know, let's try it.

It's sound check.

If it's a train wreck, we won't do it.

If it sounds all right, let's fucking do it.

So she goes, all right, that's the rock and roll spirit let's do it so

we went down and uh i get to the the venue

and

going back to what i was saying earlier back in like 2011 or 2012 when i played it i always have the exact same memory when i walk in there and there's a there's this great great concert film of iron maiden on the killer's tour with Clive Burr on drums.

I was talking about it Monday on the podcast.

And that's what I think about when I walk in there.

The place looks almost like the exact same.

And there's actually footage of a picture of John Lennon standing there.

I guess the Beatles did a run-up date there.

The fucking Beatles did a run-up dates there in like 1964.

And they have a picture of him standing right in the doorway to dressing room number two.

which is where I was.

And you look, you know, some things have changed, but the doorframe is the same.

And there was something in the top of the door jamb that almost looked like a circle piece of copper, almost like a door lock.

I don't know what.

It was right in the middle of the door jamb.

And I see it in the John Lennon photo.

It's exposed, and you can see it.

And then I looked up at the door, because they have the photo right next to the door jam.

And I look up and I see it's been painted over, but you can still see it.

I'm like, that's the same.

Like, he fucking leaned against this maybe.

This is unbelievable.

And then I walk out there, and when I look out into the crowd,

all I see, even when I'm doing stand-up,

over and over and over again, is this memory I have of the crowd that came to see Maiden that night, which was, it's arguably the coolest looking crowd

I've seen at a fucking

concert venue because it's when metal was like it was before it became hair metal and glam and everybody teased their shit up and guys wearing lipstick and it and and it and it was like mainstream so it became like a formula this was like 82

and everybody showed up

it was like the ramones look you know what i mean it was just blue jeans fucking leather jacket long hair

and you just had long hair you didn't fucking bedazzle it or whatever the fuck it turned to.

You just had long hair, black leather jacket, jeans, Converse All-Stars, and fucking Marlboro Reds and everybody in whatever booze and drugs you did.

And

when I went out, that's what I would be thinking.

So anyway,

we run the song.

Don't get me wrong.

And that's when I first started being like, what the fuck?

Am I doing right now?

Because it was one thing to hear Chrissy sing those other songs, but when she sang her own song, it was really like,

Wow, that's fucking Chrissy Hines.

This is the pretenders.

What is this right now?

Why did I say yes to this?

I'm gonna fuck this up like you fucking read about.

So, anyway, we went through sound check and we did Don't Get Me Wrong at the front and in the end.

So, we just decided we were gonna keep the order the same, and then we would end with Don't Get Me Wrong

her song.

So,

all right, you know, and

I go back to the dressing room and I sit down.

I'm kind of thinking about my set and shit, and then, but in the back of my head, I'm like,

Why do I do shit like this?

Like, this is not

getting anxiety.

I mean, I totally want to do it, and I know I can do it, but there's like that, why the fuck, you know, you could have just come here and do what you do, and you could just get the fuck out of here, and then it could just be that, right?

So, no, no, no.

So,

yeah, I went a little Will Smith.

You know, I bite off more than I can chew, and then I chew it.

Oh, my God.

Watching people making fun of that has been some, you know, I hate when another performer gets trashed, but just that one killed me.

Anyway, plowing ahead.

So,

the show starts.

Bianca goes out,

fucking murders, right?

As she always does.

And then Adam goes out, and then he goes to another level.

He slays, right?

So the show is building.

I mean, the two of them had me like pacing backstage going like, oh, fuck, I knew we were doing a show.

I didn't know we were doing a show.

Okay, here we go.

So then I went out there.

Of course, the first thing I tried only did okay.

And I'm like, ah, fuck, am I going to, I'm that guy on this show?

You know, everyone was good except that one guy.

I was like, I'm going to be me, you know?

But fortunately, I was able to turn it around and

just fucking crush for the first 45 minutes.

And then I couldn't remember any more of my jokes.

So when I can't remember my jokes,

I go into saunter mode.

I start sauntering on the stage, acting like I'm relaxed as I'm really searching, like, what the fuck did I used to talk about?

And then I'm also talking myself down, going, No, Bill, this is part of the process.

You just did a play for four or five months.

You're not going to be able to remember your jokes.

You know, the things, moments like this are going to happen.

You're going to remember something.

Things are going to pass.

Just relax.

That's half my brain.

The other half of my brain is going,

Am I going to have to just say goodnight right now?

Because I can't remember a fucking thing I was talking about.

So, anyway, while I'm doing that, I saunter.

I don't walk.

I don't trot.

I saunter over to

the stool where I had a set list written down, but it was at the beginning, so I had done most of the jokes.

And I went

over there, but there's always some bit that I go, oh yeah, that, that,

let's fucking do that.

So

which then led to other things, and then I was fine.

So

ended up going great.

I said goodnight, and we were like, take a 15-minute break, and the pretenders are coming out.

And I haven't told anybody that I was going to be playing drums.

I don't think, unless you listen to the podcast, I can't remember if I brought it up or not.

It was like a secret, but not a secret.

I don't fucking know.

So, anyway, the pretenders come walking out

after 15 minutes.

Everybody's cheering and everything.

And they did the whole bit of like, yeah, we're going to play out, but, you know, but our drummer couldn't show up.

So we actually, we got a substitute.

I think he's back there, blah, blah, blah.

I already had my ear plugs in, so I missed my cue to window walk out.

And she's finally like, Bill, get out here.

So I fucking walk out.

Oh, Billy, ears ringing, right?

So I fucking went out there, and

we just fucking went into it.

And, oh, by the way, while I'm waiting to go on stage,

they had,

they put a little dry ice out there, so they gave it some atmosphere.

And it was looking like the venue was looking like when Maiden played and Clive Burr, rest his soul,

was playing with them.

And I was just like, what the fuck?

So I went out there.

But fortunately, because of Josh Adam Myers

and everybody else that have let me, you know, play drums on their shows and sit in with their bands, I've done it enough times where

I went out there and I wasn't nervous.

And Chrissy was like, we should have a live mic back there so you can talk to the crowd between songs, which ended up being being the perfect thing because

I came out and I immediately let everybody know

that,

you know,

this was just a fun thing.

Like I came out and I said, ah, you see that?

You thought this was a benefit for Glenn Tipton's

Parkinson's Foundation.

I go, I lied to you.

I go, this was Billy Makeo-Wish Night or did something like that.

And I acted like the whole night was

all bullshit just so I could sit down and play drums.

I can't really remember because I still can't believe I got to play with that band.

So a lot of this is a blur, but I remember it got a big laugh and it also I felt like put the crowd at ease where they don't have to be like,

wait a minute, does Bill actually think he's like good, you know, like good enough

to like do this like I had to make a joke so everybody knew like, hey, I know this is like some make-a-wish shit, right?

And so everyone can relax and be like, all right, this is, this is fun.

Now I feel like I can watch this,

this aspect of it, not the professionals out front.

So,

yeah,

we did all of those songs, and Chrissy was hilarious, and the band sounded amazing.

We did Ace of Spades, and then we did

ACDC Honey, What do you do for Money?

as I mentioned.

And Chrissy gave that a great intro.

She said, I picked this song because of Bill's love of gold digging whores.

So that got a big big laugh.

Everyone was loose.

It just sounded amazing.

And

then we do Breaking the Law.

And,

you know, Ace of Spades and Breaking the Law both have these little breakdown things, you know, where shit could have gone off the rails.

But thank God when I was doing Glen Garry, Glenn Ross,

I played the songs every night.

After my characters, you know, told everybody to go fuck themselves.

And there was still a half hour left in the play.

I would go downstairs and I would just play them.

So I didn't have to count or anything.

They were sort of like the songs felt like you know, old pair of shoes at that point.

So

I was definitely looking

over at Dave and James to make sure I didn't fuck that up though.

So, anyway, now we go to go into the pretenders thing, and I'm like thinking in my head, like, wow, this is going really good.

Like, I, you know, I, you know, I fucked up on every song, but not, I've been, you know,

not like noticeably, I hope.

Anyway, so we go to go to the last one, and I count off the fucking song.

And

oh no, wait, I went to count off honey, what do you do for money?

I forgot to count off the band.

I just started playing the song, and then I had this, like, I just smashed the first symbol, and nobody did anything.

And then I went, like, oh, yeah, that's right, I have to count you guys in.

That got a big laugh.

So it was like fun.

It was like the song sounded good, but then there was still comedy in between.

It was fucking perfect.

So we go to do the last song.

And all I'm thinking is like, oh my god this went fucking perfect now all i got to do is get through this song but you know we've only literally started playing it like an hour ago um

just don't fuck this up and we'll be good so i count off the song train wreck count it off again train wreck counted off a third time train and they're like they're like what are you doing

and like i was counting off the wrong song In my head for some reason, because I hadn't rehearsed the song.

I was counting off, I'm uh

what was that?

What song was I counting?

I'm special, so special, I gotta have some.

That's what I was counting off and I was supposed to be counting off don't get me wrong.

So Chrissy goes, what fucking song are you doing?

And I

go, special.

She goes,

She's like, we're not doing that song.

She goes,

you know, we can do that song if you want.

I'm precious.

Sorry, special.

I am special.

Lamara.

I'm precious.

So,

dude, I am so fucking jet-lagged.

I can't even remember the names of the lyrics.

So I go, I'm doing precious.

And she goes, we're not doing that song.

She was like, we can do it if you want.

I go, no,

why don't we do the one that we were supposed to do?

So that.

James literally had to come over, count the song off, and sing the filk so I could remember it.

And then we went into it, and then it went great.

It was like a big laugh and all of that.

No, wait, it is special.

Dude, this is like where my brain is.

Like, I've gotten no fucking sleep.

I've gotten like three hours' sleep in the last two nights.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, so that's what my brain was doing as I'm trying to count off this fucking song.

Not only am I counting off the wrong song, I can't remember the fucking lyrics.

Brass and Pocket is the song that I was fucking counting off.

And we're supposed to be doing Don't Get Me Wrong.

And so I'm humming the song in my head, probably with the wrong lyrics.

And yeah, so it was.

Anyway.

So we end up doing it.

And

it ends up going great.

And that was like

and that was like the end of the show and then

we had we had this great hang after

and I had some friends there

that came out and they were all laughing about me counting off the wrong song and all that shit and

I don't know and then I like

And I played it cool the whole time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, it fucking went great.

It fucking went great or whatever.

And I ended up hanging, and then we left

and we went out and we got some Lebanese food, which was fucking unbelievable.

This Lebanese restaurant.

I got to get the name of it.

Oh, by the way, and around the corner from the venue was this

Australian coffee shop,

which I can't tell if it was the best coffee I've ever had in my life or if the milk in my country is so fucking poisoned to actually taste what milk is supposed to taste like.

Either way, it was a fucking unbelievable cup of coffee.

Like, if you're standing underneath the marquee and you have your back to it, if you go to the right, there's an Australian

coffee place there, and it was fucking amazing.

So, anyway, later on that night, we go, we get Lebanese food.

And

I fucking

I was kind of laughing at Kenny going like wow I think that sounded all right and he was like you know you did very well it was very blah blah blah blah you know

and

we finished eating and then we walked back to the hotel

and

I got in the elevator and the elevator doors closed and I go all right Kenny you're gonna have to deal with this and I started jumping up and down in the in the elevator going I fucking played drums with the pretenders at the Odeon I fucking played drums with the pretenders.

He just started laughing.

I was like, woo!

So,

anyway,

that was the first stop

on the tour here.

I am in Abu Dhabi now,

and I have tonight off.

Tonight, which is basically in another hour, it'll be nighttime, I I think.

And I'm excited to do this gig.

I had such a great time the last time I was here.

The crowd was friggin' amazing.

And

I don't know.

I don't know if you guys know what that's like.

You fucking,

I don't know.

To go on stage in different countries is such an amazing experience.

To just see people, like you're on the other side of the fucking world and they actually know what you do and they appreciate it.

It's like

I don't know.

Like the last time I was here, you know, I'd never gone, you know,

I'd done Tel Aviv,

you know, but it was like English speaking there, right?

I know they speak Israeli too, but they speak enough English or whatever.

So I had no idea what this was going to be like.

And I came out here and I immediately loved the people.

The food is incredible.

And they treated me great and everything.

And then I went on stage.

And

what's so fun about doing stand-up is you can learn so much about whatever state you're in, whatever country you're in, whatever city you're in, just by

how people react to different jokes, what they laugh at, what they think is funny and everything.

You don't even realize you're gaining all of this information that kind of opening up to you by the way they laugh.

And that was the thing that I remembered most.

Other than

I met one of the royals afterwards and they were like, that's great.

We got to have you back.

And I said, all right, just don't have me back in the summertime because it was ungodly hot.

It was August.

So of course, they had me back in July.

But I will say,

it's not bad.

It's like

it feels like it's like like in the 80s, so it's not bad at all.

It's like when I was coming out of the airport, they built this whole new beautiful airport, and as I was coming out, I was worried that it was going to be

like 120 degrees out or something like that, but it wasn't.

I came out, I was like, oh shit, it's actually really nice out.

And then that's it.

And then I came to the hotel and I just slept for like fucking nine hours, and now I'm talking to you.

All right, so you guys are all caught up.

Let me

do, oh, and I forgot, dude, this is how fucking nuts my life was.

The next morning, I got like three hours' sleep, and I woke up and I went to Wimbledon.

You guys are going to be hating me after this fucking podcast.

Like, who is this fucking cunt?

Yeah, I had a fucking make-a-wish fucking day,

24 hours.

I went to Wimbledon, center court,

saw the American Amanda Anishmo, Annes, Anis Mo,

I can't say it, and Annesimova.

Annesimova.

These kids today with their names beat Irina Sabalenka.

And we were sitting center court underneath the fucking roof so we didn't have to deal with the sun.

This is going to be a long podcast.

I don't give a fuck.

It's a day late anyway.

We're there and like, it's the middle of the match.

So

Sabalenka is the number one player.

I don't know if in the world, ranking, or at least at Wimbledon, she had the number one next to her name.

And then Amanda was like ranked 13th.

And

so we're watching the first set,

and

all of a sudden, there's like this pause in the play,

and Sabalinka runs over to her chair, grabs

a bottle of water, and brings it over.

And

somebody went down in the crowd, like it was hot as shit.

And you know, there's all those old

people that, you know, have the good seats that sit around, you know, down near center court, and they were just baking in the sun.

You know, I'm assuming it was an English person that's as pasty as me, and we're just not built for it.

And, like, three people came over, there was a giant umbrella, there was water, there was all of that.

That happened two times during the match.

Like, somebody just fucking went down.

And then we were fucking underneath the roof.

It was fucking amazing.

So, Amanda wins the first set 6-4.

All right.

But I can feel the crowd is really pulling for Sabalenka, right?

They're mainly on her side.

She's the number one player and everything.

And they're also like, I feel like in general, they always cheer on whoever lost the first set because people want to see three sets.

They want to see the full thing.

So,

you know,

Sabalenka comes back,

breaks Amanda, and then she wins the second set, I believe 6-4.

So it's 6-4, 4-6.

Now we go into the last one, and I'm sitting there talking to Bianca and Kenny.

I go, this is the difference.

This is the difference between the number one player and the number 13.

13 player.

The number one player in the world can shake off losing a set, can shake off having their serve broken, can have their serve, can have the match on their racket and fucking be cool as a cucumber and not double fault and fucking forfeit a game and then get in their head and then fucking not forfeit a game, lose a game and then you know everything,

the walls start closing in, right?

The exact opposite thing happened.

What's her face?

Amanda broke her twice

and at one point was up five to two I think

and had the match on her racket

now wait and then it became five three then she had the match on her racket she lost the game

Irena broke her serve

so then it was six four

and I'm like ah fuck Irina's gonna win this game because she's serving and then it's gonna be six five and then now it's gonna be oh I'm sorry I'm sorry not six it was five five

oh jesus billy and fucking math

yeah it was five four that's what it was

and arena was serving to maybe make it five five i think and i was like oh fuck like then it's gonna have to go seven five then it might go tiebreaker and all of that and the american Amanda's not going to win.

And instead, she broke her serve to win at 6-4, I believe.

I didn't have my glasses, so I was squinting a lot to try to see what was going on and

we oh my god we got to see that and not even to

not even to mention to like when I came up the stairs and actually saw center court like I've been watching that since I was a kid I'm not gonna lie to you since I started doing stand-up for the last 30 something years I only catch it once every like three four years it seems and with the kids but I used to watch it every year Dick Enberg breakfast at Wimbledon I watched the whole fucking John McEnroe Bjorn Bjorn Borg era into,

you know, you know, Bjorn Borg always won, and then McEnroe was winning.

And then it was,

oh, God, who won?

Boris Becker, I remember he won.

I remember that blew my mind in 85 because he was my age.

We were both 17.

All of these guys, Gorin Ethan Istovich, can he win it?

What was that guy who used to always wear the hat?

Used to look like Phil Sims, Curry,

and then Pete Samper.

When Pete Sampro's, you know, what's his Andre Agassi,

Michael Chang, all of those fucking guys.

I used to watch all of that.

And then, of course, Chris Everett Lloyd into

what's her face, who she told her to work out.

Martina Navitrilova, Monica Sellis,

Gabriella Sabantini.

I used to watch all of that shit.

All of that shit.

Monica Sella.

Yeah, Monica Sellas.

Right through

to

the Williams sisters.

Yeah, I watched right through like 2000, I think.

Pete Sanfords' career.

That's right.

That's right.

And then once What's His Face came in, the Swedish kid, that's when I really was like on the road and I had no manager or no agent and I was just fucking, those were the dark years.

Federoff, Roger Federoff, I missed all of that shit.

He was only one of the greatest tennis players of all time.

I kind of missed all of that.

So anyway, so coming up those stairs and actually seeing that venue like fucking blew my mind.

I still can't believe I got to do it.

I did it really quickly.

I watched one match and then had to get on a plane to go to

come here to Abu Dhabi.

But I definitely...

I felt super guilty because I wasn't there with my lovely wife.

And we've been to the Australian Open and Roland Garrison France.

So

she's like, what the fuck?

You gonna go to that with you know she's breaking my balls.

You're gonna go that way.

I go I promise we'll come back next year.

We'll do it.

So hopefully I can

make that happen.

All right I'm done babbling.

Let's go here.

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All right.

That is the podcast, everyone.

I wanted to read this really quickly for anybody else in MotoGP who can't understand why if Peko Binaye is riding a factory Ducati like Mark Marquez, why he's having problems

even with Alex.

Hey, Billy Baltires.

I'm just a schmo who does a few track days a year and watches MotoGP, but let me take a shot at Peko's problems.

This is mostly taken from interviews he's given and opinions from journalists.

When Peko is driving to an apex in a corner, he wants the front fork compressed all the way so he can feel everything the tire is doing.

I believe he likes a shorter length shock.

For whatever reason, Ducati has put different forks on the front of the 25 so it doesn't compress all the way down like he prefers and Peko is very sensitive to his bike setup.

If it's not perfect for him, he's going to have a bad weekend.

I think we all recognize that the 24 Ducati is faster than the 25.

It's probably due to suspension and frame choices.

Mark is the kind of rider who can ride around issues with the bike.

He'll push until he crashes and that's how he knows his limit.

If he's not,

it's not that Pekko doesn't want to chase down and pass Mark and Alex.

He just can't do it with this bike.

Maybe next year they'll put him back on a 24.

There's been some discussion about it.

Also check out Yamaha Champ School on YouTube.

They have some good videos that that explain about trail breaking into a corner.

I'll link one below.

It might help you understand MotoGP a bit more.

I really appreciate all of that.

Also, go get your ass to a racetrack.

I definitely have to do that.

All right, that's it, everybody.

That's the podcast.

Thank you to everybody that came out

to the show in London.

And I cannot thank ever, I could never repay

Chrissy Hine, Dave Page, James Walburn, everybody that was involved, the sound, the people who set up the the drums and all of that to make that moment happen.

Everybody involved.

It was just a magical night.

We all had such a great time and I still can't believe that it happened.

And

yeah, that's it.

All right.

So listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themelis.

And I'll talk to you guys next week.

Also, I wanted to give a shout out.

I read this great play

that my buddy Howard Overshoen gave me, Cost of Living by

Martina Majoc, M-A-J-O-K.

And Martina is spelt with a Y, M-A-R-T-Y-N-A.

Just an incredible.

I like reading plays.

Oh, Billy Dum-Dum.

I like 100 pages.

All right, that's it.

Enjoy the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Have a great weekend, your cons, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Sunday morning goes and calls your bluff.

Choosing wisely when all you're picking up

what to do, what to do, what to do.

And

hard times they've been following you.

You can ring my bell.

You can ring my bell.

You can ring

Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

July 9th, 2017.

What's going on?

How are you?

How's it going?

Oh, Billy's voice is coming back.

It's coming back.

You know, I've been drinking my old throat coat tea there, right?

Been having some fucking

hauls, mentholiptus.

You know, just, you know, trying not to yell at people in traffic, trying to meditate, trying to learn about patience.

Oh, that guy cut me off.

Oh, if I get upset, that's my fault.

According to the fucking meditation guy on Headspace, as he tries to chuckle through, blaming me for other people's cuntiness.

That's a challenge.

That's a challenge to try to remain focused.

You know, what kind of a fucking guy, you know, is just sitting there trying to get into his zone, is telling you that things are your fault?

I know he chuckles along.

I know he's probably right.

Why should I have expectations when I'm on the highways of LA that somebody isn't going to pass me doing 90 on the right while somebody in the left lane's doing 35?

And I'm in the middle, like,

you know, and I'm in the middle.

I'm the victim.

I'm the guy driving perfectly.

I never pass people on the right.

Bullshit!

Every once in a while, I do.

I tried to be cognizant.

I don't even know what I have so much shit to talk about.

I mean, I always talk, but I mean, I actually have shit to talk about.

And by the way, shout out to that fucking lunatic who listened to my whole fucking Give the Oilmen the Sun, and he took it seriously.

Like he's trying to debunk my theory.

You know, he's like, oh, well, you know, give him the sun.

Well, did you ever think about there's already like fucking 3.4 billion cars out there?

What do you do about that?

At least that's the way I read it.

That's the way you sounded in my head.

And I just wrote him back.

I was like, dude, how many F-bombs did I drop

during

the presentation of that theory?

Why are you acting like you went to a TED Talk?

Was I like the one person you felt smarter than on the internet?

It's like, oh, here's my opportunity to be like, oh, maybe if you fucking

that's the classic internet, the way you dive into a debate.

Oh, maybe

try this next time.

Everybody coming at you like they have like these, like just a bunch of awards up on the wall behind them.

You know,

as opposed to you, you know, whatever you, what do you gotta do?

What hacky fucking posters do you have on your wall?

Huh?

What's a hacky poster for the millennials?

When I was growing up, you had to have the Farah Fawcett poster.

I don't know, a Fonzie poster or some shit like that.

It was, you know, it was the 70s when I was still into posters.

I don't want to talk about it.

You know what I'm doing?

Is I'm talking to you guys on trying to get fucking comfortable on this goddamn couch.

We bought one of these fucking pull-out couches.

In case we have guests, what, once every three years, someone's going to stop by here for Thanksgiving?

Because his fucking wife had enough with them.

So instead, I got to be on this thing that's not a couch and not a bed.

Oh, it looks fluffy.

Oh, it looks comfortable, but the looks are deceiving.

So, anyways,

I've been back in the writer's room.

I'm back in the writer's room for Efforts for Family.

We're knocking out

episode one.

We got our first table read on Thursday.

And then I'm actually going to have to do a couple table reads over the phone because I got some acting work

in New York City.

And spoiler alert, they're rebooting Sex in the City, except this time they're doing it with guys.

And guess who gets to play Samantha?

I don't know.

Cynthia Nixon, whoever the redhead is.

All right, I'm going to wear a short little wig.

All right, and I'm going to be the smart girl of the fellas.

That's what's going to happen.

It's kind of like that John Travolta movie, Hogs, whatever the fuck it was called, where they rode around on motorcycles.

You know?

I hate that those movies are hits.

It just reminds me of the sadness that most people live in, that they can relate to that movie.

Like, oh, wouldn't it be awesome if we could still go out and do fun stuff?

I don't know why you can't.

I don't know why my voice still cracks at 49 years of age.

I don't know why you can't.

Why can't you continue to do fun shit?

Two reasons.

One,

you're exaggerating your importance as a parent.

You know what I mean?

That's the most important role you'll ever have.

I know, I know it's important.

But the fact that you think you got to fucking be there 24-7 staring at your kid and you can't just sneak down the street.

You know for fucking 90 minutes during the day like some what the fuck is going to happen to your kid in those nights how fragile

a mindset is your family in that, God forbid, you go down the street for 90 minutes, you know, figure 20-minute drive, 20-minute back, you got a shower after, whatever the fuck you do, right?

You go to, you go rock climbing,

at one of those rock climbing gyms, you know, you take your talc out, your little talc fanny pack, whatever the fuck it is you do, you know, and in your head, you're going up Mount Everest because that's all you got.

It's all you got.

You can't go all the way over there and fucking walk by dead people in sleeping bags while you got a family, a family bag east.

You can't do that, right?

You can't fucking do that.

You got to go down the fucking rock wall.

Okay?

People either overexaggerate the importance of being a goddamn parent or they fucking

They're afraid of their wife

Just say look

I need to go do this.

I'll be back in 90 minutes.

And then just go do it.

What is she going to do?

Tackle you on the way to your car?

The worst she can do is just be moving.

Well, the worst she can do is divorce you and take all your shit.

You know, who's kidding who?

Whatever.

You know what I mean?

You got to, every once in a while.

Why don't we steal away?

Like, fucking, every two, three days, you can't just go down the street and just fucking do something.

I'm saying this because I have a tremendous amount of guilt because I came home from work, right?

And,

you know, I make sure I don't work as much as I did last year before I became a parent because I became the most important person in the world for me.

So

I come home like a couple hours earlier than I did last year, right?

So I can take my daughter for a walk around the block.

We're going to walk around the block.

Right?

That's what I do.

Okay, so the other day I'm driving to work.

No one's driving to work.

I dropped dropped my car off to get serviced, right?

I got the old truck.

I'm driving.

Now I can either go right to fucking work or and be like 10, 15 minutes early, or I can swing by my house and hang with my daughter who just woke up.

So obviously no fucking brainer.

I do that.

I hang out with her for 10 minutes.

I have a great fucking time.

And then I leave.

And then I drive to work feeling like a great dad.

Feeling great that I did that.

I got my priorities straight, right?

I'm going to raise

a great citizen for this wonderful land that everybody else is jealous of.

That's why they don't like us around the world.

It has nothing to do with our foreign policy.

I'm so sick of that excuse.

Okay?

Just admit it.

You like our blue jeans?

You like that we feed cows to other cows, right?

You like that.

You know you like it.

You're over there in Europe, you're in Asia, wherever you're.

You're all fucking jammed up.

Everybody, you're fucking driving cars on cow paths, or there's like 90,000 skyscrapers like over in fucking Asia.

Jesus Christ.

Hong Kong is the most astounding fucking.

I didn't realize there was that much concrete in the fucking world.

They had clusters of Manhattan skyline just parked all around that place.

It was just never fucking ending.

I would love to meet the Donald Trump of Hong Kong talking about how he has the greatest skyscraper ever.

But anyway, so I come home and I'm like, all right, this is great.

I saw 10 minutes this morning.

I'm coming home.

Gonna get the hang.

Go for this walk around the block.

And I walk into my house.

All right.

And I notice it's hard to open the door.

I can't open it all the way.

And I look around the corner and what do I see?

I see like five giant fucking boxes and then I see an even bigger box across the room and they all say Gretsch drums on them.

My drum kit arrived.

I couldn't fucking, I was so convinced that I was like, Murphy's Law, the second I go to New York for two fucking weeks, that fucking drum kit's gonna come.

There's gonna be some nose-picking jackass delivering it, and he's just gonna fucking leave it on the front porch, and some asshole's gonna take it.

But for once, you know, life worked out, right?

I showed up, it's there it is.

There it is!

I don't think I've ever been so fucking excited in my adult life, ever.

So the drum kit came and it spent literally,

as far as when I saw it, I don't even think it spent 12 hours in my house.

Boom, right over to the rehearsal space and

unpacked it.

And each box you unpacked, there's a box within it, right?

You open that box up and then there's the drum and then there's this little card, this little card, right?

Like a birthday card from Gretsch drums, and it says that great Gretsch sound.

And it's written in that writing that millennials can't read, whatever the fuck you call it.

We used to call it writing versus printing.

Cursive is what they call it.

Maybe that's why millennials don't like it, you know, because,

you know, I don't want to curse.

I don't want to offend anybody.

I'm going to print.

Or maybe they're on computers all day, Bill, and they just don't see it anymore.

All right, fair enough.

Fair enough, whatever.

Maybe you're just an old guy, Bill, and you're just trashing trashing younger people because they're younger than you, and they're still in the prime of the, hey, you know, you maybe have a point.

Maybe it'll be okay, whatever.

So

I load up my truck, I drive over to the place, about 20 minutes down, fucking straight, and I start taking these things out of the box, and

they're absolutely fucking gorgeous.

There's a couple of pieces of hardware that I need to get, but I am going, I'm going to tweet a fucking picture of that thing

probably Monday.

Tomorrow I'm going to go over and pick up the last couple pieces of hardware that I need.

They are fucking gorgeous.

And I don't give a shit what you think.

Oh, you like those?

It looks like you fucking.

I don't give a fuck what you think of the color.

I love them.

I love them.

So

I am just over the fucking moon.

I can't fucking believe.

Can't believe.

Best thing I ever did is I got rid of that old fucking Ludwig and went out and bought the kit that I wanted.

I can't fucking wait to go over there, but now I have this crushing fucking guilt,

you know,

being a dad.

Oh, you should be with your daughter right now.

It's like, I can't, and I'm fucking yelling at myself as I'm driving over there.

I can't fucking go down there for fucking 90 minutes.

Not even 90.

I play for an hour.

20 back, 20 over.

That's an hour and 40 fucking minutes.

Oh shit, that's more.

That's 100 minutes.

Oh, Jesus.

All right, so I'm the worst fucking dad ever.

What do you want from me?

Keeps me in a good mood.

Anyways, they came and

I'm going over there today.

My drum teacher, he's going to fucking tune him up.

I got him sounding halfway decent, but I'm just a comedian.

This guy's a pro.

So these things are going to sound like fucking...

I don't know what they're going to sound like, but

I can't fucking wait.

I'm so goddamn excited.

And

I got, oh, Jesus, my stomach's growling here.

I got a fucking, I got my symbols.

I got the whole fucking thing.

You know how nice, this is how nice the setup is?

I'm afraid to show it to my wife.

That's how nice it is.

You know that shit, you know, when you do something like that, and then your wife just looks at it, and she's just kind of quiet, doesn't say anything, and it's just, this is all they do.

They just go,

huh.

And you're like, oh, fuck.

How much did that how much that noise right there?

How much is that going to cost me?

You know, all I did was buy a set of drums.

You know, they're fucking shit.

What's she going to go get?

Well, I thought this would be fair.

Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

So, anyways, I want to thank the Gretsch Drum Company for fucking making the greatest goddamn drums I've ever, the most beautiful fucking drums I've ever seen in my life

and packing them up so

there wasn't even a piece of dust on them.

Absolutely gorgeous.

And I'm going to go over there today and I'm going to play because I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam.

The fucking two or three year anniversary.

I've lost track at this point.

I think it's the two-year anniversary.

When did it start?

In 14 or 15?

Maybe 14.

No, it started in 15, the two-year anniversary.

And

I'm going to be singing one song even though I can't sing.

And then I'm going to be sitting in on drums for the Encore.

And no, I am not bringing my kid over.

I'm not bringing it over because

I don't have any cases.

Plus, I would be fucking losing my mind that something bad was going to happen to him.

So that's it.

All right.

So there you go.

That's what I have to look forward to.

Anyways, so where do I?

I don't know where to fucking start here.

See if I can keep my happiness in my drum kit as I talk about this next thing.

I saw two of the most fucked up things

as far as

just that have you no shame.

You know, and I'm a piece of shit.

So for me to think that, you know,

I was watching

some fucking clip

trashing Dr.

Phil, and I never saw this.

I didn't realize this.

I guess like a year ago or two years ago, you know that actress Shelly Duvall who crushed it in The Shining?

Well, she's in her 60s now, and I guess she's having, I don't know what she's having.

She's having some sort of mental issue.

I don't know what it is.

Okay?

But she's old and she needs medical help.

That scumbag, Dr.

Phil, who I called it the second I saw that guy, I called it.

I was like, that guy looks like a fucking crooked cop.

The second I saw him, I was like, that guy looks like he'd plant a fucking gun on you.

You know?

He'd fucking shoot you over some routine fucking traffic stop and he'd pull out.

He'd do that to a white person.

That's how fucking nuts this guy is, right?

He's not your standard, you know, bad cop going after minorities.

This guy would do, this guy's like a, he has a serial killer look, doesn't he?

Anyways,

that piece of shit fucking interviewed Shelly Duvall and talked to her as if he was trying to help her.

And she was saying all of this stuff about how Robin Williams was still alive and fucking, you know, the earth is flat and just all kinds of stuff like that where it's clearly like, okay, oh my God, all right, shut off the cameras.

Shut off the cameras.

Come on.

Let's not do this to her.

And he's sitting there talking to her like, So like he's going to try to help her.

So like, you think that

Robin Williams is still alive?

Okay.

I think you need...

Like he was acting the entire fucking time like he was trying to help her rather than completely exploiting

this famous actress who's now in like

you know this mental condition.

It's just it was it was

I don't I don't how do people how do you still sit down and watch that guy's fucking show fuck that guy and everything he's fucking connected to

Jesus you don't have enough fucking money you cunt

you don't drag enough fucking penniless people onto your fucking show you don't have enough honey boo-boo people coming on your fucking show you got to do that

Jesus fucking Christ

but you know I've been meditating and I guess I'm not supposed to get upset upset about this.

I should, you know, I should expect it.

I should expect that behavior out of him.

So you're saying that you're hearing these voices in your head

are saying,

I'm making up all of this shit.

I couldn't get,

I don't think I got 20 seconds, 30 seconds into it.

The second she said the Robin Williams thing, and then they cut to him.

So you're saying, once he did that,

I had to just

like shut it off, shut it off.

Shut it off.

Dr.

Phil, have you no shame?

I swear to God, that fucking guy.

I'm trying to think what he wouldn't interview.

You know?

What wouldn't he?

First of all, I love that.

People watch those shows as if they're like watching somebody trying to help somebody.

They're not.

You can't fix somebody in a half-hour episode.

On that time when he had that girl on, that little girl on there, the, you know, catch me outside, how about that?

That one that went fucking viral.

And then he has her back on again.

He's like, people thought I was exploiting her, so we took out the studio audience.

Yeah, but you still broadcasted it.

I don't know.

But you know something?

I'm a hypocritical cunt.

All right, because I still watched the catch me outside.

How about that?

I just kept seeing it on Twitter, and I was like, I have to see what that is.

And I'm not going to lie to you, I did watch it, and I did enjoy it.

So maybe I got to knock back my criticisms.

Criticism, why don't you just exploit people that still have their whole life ahead of them?

Jesus fucking Christ.

I don't know.

Did I become the asshole by the end of that?

I don't remember.

I don't know where the fuck that whole thing went.

So, anyways, i was watching the the f1 race in austria

which uh by the way this there's something fucking crazy going on in austria right now uh jewish people relax um

it's not that

um

well it's kind of is it's kind of related to that

then you know you know in fucking in england like all their shit is old

because they you know,

that's the origins of white people.

Unless you listen to a Nas album and somehow we all came from Egypt, which they're not really black either, are they?

They're like Arab.

You know what I mean?

But he's like, yeah, they're African.

It's like, all right, well, I'm German and Irish.

Do I also claim to be Italian because I'm European?

Like, African, Africa is a continent.

I've never been able to.

So you're saying that we all came from Egypt?

Tell you right now, there's no fucking way I did.

If you ever saw my fucking legs,

I mean, I don't know how fucking long ago my ancestors left Africa

or how, and then we did what?

We sat in a fucking snow jacuzzi for fucking 2,000 years.

I don't know, but I do actually, I do believe that we all came, we had to all come from the same fucking

whatever

Lake

Do you know you realize what you're listening to right now?

You're listening to a comedian trying to figure out like just because he watched like 10 minutes of Neil deGrasse Tyson, whatever his fucking name is, as he's falling asleep.

And if I can quote deGrasse Tyson, whatever the fuck his first name is,

I believe he thinks we came from trees.

And I don't mean like we were living in trees, like we were apes.

He's like, no, trees.

like

i don't i i that was one of those things where i was just like falling asleep because like this guy's crazy i fell asleep i never saw the other other part of it

but you know what the deal is you'd go over his house and he'd convince you of it

you go over and he'd have on a turtleneck with a sport coat over it like smoking a pipe and there'd be a fire in the fireplace right

He'd come in and he'd have all these fucking artifacts.

You know, you and your wife show up.

There's these other couples there.

And you're just thinking, like, this guy's either going to fucking tell me the secrets of the world or I'm going to slowly lose consciousness and end up in one of those silence of the lamb pits trying to steal his dog.

Anyways,

the fuck am I talking about?

Oh yeah, so I'm watching.

Oh,

what happened in Austria?

So what's happening in Austria?

It might have already been solved.

I just remember seeing it a little while ago because a couple weeks ago I was trying to see where the F1 circuit was taking them next.

And I guess in Austria,

Hitler's house still exists.

Like where he was born, but it's more like an apartment building.

So I guess all these neo-Nazis go there and they do like the neo-Nazi like YOLO selfie, you know, instead of doing the peace sign.

I bet this, but you can't do like a full Sieg Heil,

you know,

in a selfie.

That's a hard thing.

Your arms aren't long enough to hold it out, so they probably do it to the side, you know,

where it's just from the elbow to the tip, and then they do the duck face,

right?

I guess they've been doing that.

I don't know what the fuck they're doing, they're doing some shit like that in front of it.

And for some reason, people feel that if you take that place down,

that, you those guys aren't going to continue to exist.

I don't know about that.

I mean, what are people going?

You know, I was going to be a neo-Nazi, but then they

took down Hitler's fucking building.

So whatever.

So there's somebody that owns it, and he's like, no, I'm not tearing this shit down.

And the government's like, right, we're going to fucking seize it.

All right.

That's how they talk in Austria, too.

Everybody talks like my bad sort of fucking English accent, maybe.

I don't know what the fuck it is.

Davy Jones, whatever I'm doing.

So there's some big battle about that, and they're going to like knock it down.

But I got to be honest with you, as much as I'm not down with the Nazis, like if I went to Austria, I would go see that place.

I would be like the most evil baby,

you know, the Jordan of evil babies.

You know, fucking came home to that place right there.

People walked in and saw baby Hitler and were like, oh, isn't he adorable?

Look at his eyes.

There's a lot going on in there.

So they want to get rid of that.

I don't know.

I thought that that was fucking interesting.

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Like,

this is what kills me.

Like, who fucking,

how do people know that that's where he grew up?

So many people fucking died in World War II.

You'd think that anybody that even remotely fucking remembered it.

The old people go, okay, I remember that when he grew up in that place right down the street, and he always had a funny look on his face.

Oh, I never liked him, right?

They just passed the story on.

It's too juicy a gossip

that it just,

it just keeps getting passed down to the point they got to knock down this perfectly good fucking building.

I guess it needs to be redone a little bit.

Like we're doing with the baseball stadiums over here.

And then what happens?

They throw it out.

It ends up in the ocean.

Throw it out in the fucking Mediterranean Sea.

That water, you know, the water that when you go over there, they try to say there's no sharks in them until you go on the internet.

It's like, oh, yeah, I just saw there was a couple of attacks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean, I mean, there's been a couple of attacks, but, you know,

it's rare.

Yeah, shark attacks in general are rare, considering most of us are on the fucking land.

I don't know.

I swam in the Mediterranean.

I absolutely loved it.

It was fucking life-changing.

But afterwards, when I was reading about these shark attacks, there is just this fucking

it's the scariest thing.

Other than being tortured,

you know,

I'm trying to think, you know,

of stuff equal to that.

Speaking of shark attacks,

I was watching this fucking movie that starred Paul Walker, rest in peace, Jessica Alba,

Scott Kahn,

this other woman, her name escapes me.

Her name escapes me.

I was watching that movie, and I don't know what the fuck it's called.

I don't know what the fuck it's called.

Jessica Alba, first of all, is so fucking beautiful.

She doesn't have to do anything.

She just sits there.

She looks fucking amazing, right?

And

that movie was so fucking ridiculous, yet entertaining.

I don't think I've ever seen people hold their breath longer underwater in my life.

You know?

There's a fucking crash plane under the water.

They go down there, they find drugs.

This is even like a spoiler alert.

This is like how many fucking times they've done the movie where regular people find a bag of money or they find some fucking drugs.

Oh, what should we do?

I think we should leave it.

No, you should take it, man.

This is a shot, right?

And then the fucking bad guys figure out that they fucking took it somehow, right?

The same classic fucking story right then tom hanks lost his wife and he meets meg ryan in seattle it's all the same movie billy crystal comes in and says a couple of things okay then rom ryiner makes a cameo because he's directing the thing

and then somebody starts shooting up tom cruise runs through and the dubs come up and there's your movie it's every hollywood movie Somebody's getting too old for this shit.

The two people that hate each other have realized that they now love each other.

The two foes then look at each other and they realize that, you know what, I respect you.

You know, the days of thunder ending.

I think that covers it, right?

Anyway, so we're watching this fucking movie.

And at one point, the bad guys have scuba gear.

Paul Walker and fucking Scott Kahn have no scuba gear.

They just dive down to this fucking plane,

which is like, I don't know, like 20 fucking feet under the water.

So they fucking,

the scuba guys swim into the plane looking for him.

Scott Kahn is sitting in one of the, in the co-pilot's seat, pretending to be dead.

He had enough time to sit there, gather himself, pretend to be dead, holding his fucking breath.

And the scuba guy comes up and looks at him.

He's like, well, I guess he's dead.

And he keeps going.

And meanwhile, they keep cutting to Paul Walker.

Rest in peace, right?

He keeps fucking peeking in at one of the windows

and this scene is like five fucking minutes long real time it feels or when you're just doing the math of how long it would take to get down there how long you could fucking stay down there

and he's like peeking and then he would just duck back out of the way and all they had the decency to do was have like one or two little air bubbles go like

If I'm underwater and I don't have any fucking air, I mean, your heart's already racing like a fucking lunatic.

So you're eating up that oxygen.

Forget about the fact that there's these drug dealers with scuba gear that want to kill you and you're in shark-infested fucking waters.

Didn't affect Paul Walker or Scott Kahn in the least.

Somehow they were able to throw effective punches under the water.

I mean, it was unbelievable

the leaps of faith that you had to make in that movie.

Yet I still enjoyed it.

You know, because every time you were like, this is fucking ridiculous, they would cut to Jessica Alba, just going like, should we keep the drugs or something

you go oh my gosh fucking beautiful genius the editing of that movie is genius I don't know what it's called though dude she has one scene she just leans against the door brushing her teeth and it's like I could watch a movie of that

Jessica Alba gets ready for bed um so check it out I think that's what that movie is it's called something about the deep they're always called the deep

the cove

I don't know what it was, but I was just sitting there, you know, in my own way, making fun of the movie, trying to make Nia laugh.

I was just like, Jessica, I'm not going to wear a shirt, Nancy, are you going to wear a shirt?

Which is probably childish.

So, what do I do here?

Wait a second.

I got to find out the other name of that actress on that movie.

I can't name three of the four stars, right?

Can I?

Hang on a second.

Actually, you know what?

Fuck that.

I'm not even going to look that up.

I have to give somebody, I got to give two people a shout out.

I've been watching Bloodline.

I'm up to episode 8, season 3.

I got two more episodes to go.

That show,

that series is gut-wrenching.

Like, I can only watch two of them, and then I have to shut it off.

And

I've never watched a show where I get so mad at the characters.

You know, I get so fucking mad.

Like, why the fuck did you just do that?

Shut up.

Stop talking.

All of that stuff.

Most of it's with the Kevin character.

Norbert Leo Butts,

one of like five people who ever won the best lead male Tony Award,

which is a Broadway Oscar, basically, amazing fucking actor.

So, anyways, there's a guy on that show who plays Eric O'Bannon, who's absolutely killing it.

His name is Jamie McShane.

And for breaking bad fans, if you're wondering, how do I know that guy's face?

Why would his face

fucking make one of my?

How do I know that guy?

If you're a breaking bad fan,

the episode, I'm not going to give anything away, the one that involved the train.

All right?

I can't remember if he played the conductor or the engineer.

And he was a great fucking guy.

And his work on this show is fucking unbelievable.

I don't know.

I want to quote his lines, but everybody like

when they watch movies, it's like years later you know my dad just saw like I did this movie called stand-up guys

and he calls me up he's like Christ Bill yeah I tell you the other night I'm sitting there I'm like I'm like narcoleptic I'm falling asleep on the couch I wake up at three in the morning and I'm watching this movie and uh and I'm already laughing because I know it's gonna be some shit I did like fucking 10 years ago He goes, it's got Al Pacino and Christopher Walking and I'm watching the movie.

And all of a sudden, there you are.

I'm like, holy shit.

He wakes up.

My mother goes, Jesus Christ says, Bill.

That's how my parents pay attention to my career.

They watch shit that I did.

He goes, it was a great movie.

And I'll tell you, Bill, you know, you could do this comedy stuff.

You could do the dramatic shit.

Hey, you fucking got it all figured out.

That's what he said.

You can do the dramatic shit.

It's my favorite thing anybody said to me all week.

You can do the dramatic shit.

So, anyways, anyways, two thumbs up from my dad for

the fucking stand-up guys.

Check it out if you get a chance.

Anyways, Jamie McShane is fucking killing.

Everybody's killing her on that show.

And then also,

John Liguazamo.

I mean, has that guy ever been bad in anything?

He's fucking, everything he's in, he makes it better.

The guy's fucking unreal, and

he's like creepy and hilarious all at the same time, which I don't know how you do that unless you're a fucking genius like that guy.

There's a scene.

How do I do it?

I don't want to fucking ruin it for people.

He goes in and he orders like what we used to call like a slurpee or a frosty, you know, one of those.

He orders one of those.

It's one of the funniest fucking scenes I've seen in a long time.

Just start watching Bloodline.

And I'm telling you, if you want to not have your insides get fucking

all twisted up, just you do two episodes at a time.

Okay?

The first season, you know, it's like, all right, you know, it starts a little slow, like most series do, because they got to establish who the characters are, what the background is.

But once that fucking rock starts rolling down the hill, so I'm going to watch the last two episodes today.

And

I don't know, you know, I'm excited to see what happens, but then I also have that, you know,

I almost had the balls to say this.

I almost had the nerve to say, like, you know, when you're finishing a great book, like I read, I remember back in the day when I used to read,

and a book would end, and I used to read a lot of that.

It was that guy who did all the train spotting and Maribou Stork Nightmare books.

I used to read all of his shit.

Irvin Welsh or something.

Then I started reading the classics.

I remember I read the full version of the Three Musketeers, not Three Musketeers, the Count of Monte Cristo.

It was like 700-something pages of the smallest fucking typeset or font you've ever seen in your life.

And I'm like, I'm finishing this fucking thing.

I'm finishing this fucking thing.

And

I just would try to read like 20 pages a day.

It took me months to finish that fucking book.

But I did.

I finished it.

And I was like, wow, like

I spent a significant part of my life reading this book.

That's how slow I read.

And all these years, and I was always proud that I read that book.

I read it like 20 years ago.

And I remember thinking, like, you know, this is what people did back then.

They had time to read books like this because there wasn't the internet, there wasn't the TV and all that.

And they were bored and needed to be entertained.

So these guys would just spin these yarns that would go for six, seven, eight, nine hundred fucking pages.

And recently, I forget where I saw it.

They said that Alexander Dumas, however you say his name, was getting paid by the word.

And then 20 years later, later, I'm like, you fucking asshole.

You could have finished that shit in like 200 pages.

I read like the director's cut

of

the Count of Monte Cristo.

I still love the book.

Gotta love a story or revenge.

You know?

So, anyways, this is the time when I would usually read some fucking advertising.

But

I'm doing this early

because I got shit to do tomorrow.

I got shit to do tomorrow, man.

I got stuff to pick up.

The last few pieces of hardware that I need

for my kit.

And then I'm good to go there.

Let's see.

Let's see.

Let's see.

The advertising has not come in yet.

So what do I do now?

Do I just pause here and I just pretend like I have reads to do?

How many minutes have I done?

37.

37 minutes.

You know, I'm just going to continue talking about the shit I want to.

Then I'll just do it.

I'll just hit pause.

And when the advertising comes in, I'll read it.

And then when the fucking

questions come in, I'll fucking read those too.

So, anyways,

so what you're saying is,

I saw this thing, you know, when I shut off the F1 race.

Which is kind of becoming my teaser here.

Like, people, you're going to talk about it?

Are you going to talk about it?

When I shut it off, okay, well, I'll talk about the F1 race.

Congratulations

to,

I always want to say Valerie.

Valteri, whatever his fucking name is, Botas.

He had such a good start to start that race, they actually thought he

was a fucking cheetah.

Like the Indianapolis Colts there.

And it was a typical fucking F1 race, where it was the first guy

to turn one, won the fucking race.

There was a fucking accident in the beginning, right?

The guy in the fucking, the stepchild of the Red Bull Bull team, that Rojas fucking team, whatever the fuck, whatever they are.

Oh, Jesus, Bill, grab your almanac.

Grab the fucking program.

If you're going to talk about it, have a little bit of respect for the people that actually watch the goddamn race.

What's the name of their fucking team?

What is it?

What is it?

Oh, the Toro Rosso.

Rosa.

That fucking lunatic.

He came in and he fucking slammed into one of the McLarens who then slammed into the Red Bull guy, Max Verstappen.

And every one of them, their whole fucking day was over.

That was it.

It was over.

Botas was out in front.

Lewis Hamilton got like a five-position,

I don't know, penalty because he had to change his gearbox during qualifying.

So even if he was number one, the best he could have done in qualifying was

six.

So he was started eighth.

So I guess evidently.

Wait, that would be.

Yeah, five, squad.

Yeah, so I guess he came in third.

Anyways,

pretty uneventful race the the whole fucking time.

Other than

then, in the end, it got great.

It got great.

But

I actually love the shit that Lewis Hamilton was talking.

They were talking about the whole

his bullshit with

what's his face there, Sebastian Vettel.

And

he goes.

He goes, you know, what do you plan to do?

He goes, you know, I'll go out there.

I'll try to exploit a few of his weaknesses.

Just floats that out there.

So, of course, the reporter bites and goes,

what are some of his weaknesses?

Would you say his temper

is one of his weaknesses?

Because I guess this guy, Vettel, he's dangerously approaching 12 penalty points.

If you get 12 penalty points, you have to set out a race within a calendar year.

They're basically points for being a cunt.

Driving dangerously, slamming your car into Lewis Hamilton, whatever the fuck it is he's doing.

He's like those people on the highway out here that pass you on the right doing 90.

He does shit like that.

So if you accrue 12 of those points within a calendar year, you have to sit out a race, which is devastating, especially if the guy you're going up against wins the race.

He gets 25 points.

He's just sitting there on your ass,

you know, sitting on your helmet.

So, anyways, they said he goes, I'm going to exploit a few of his weaknesses.

So the reporter bites and goes, is his temper one of them?

And Lewis smiles and goes, yes,

which is the perfect thing you want to do with someone with the temper, you know, speaking from experience, because all that does is make us more mad and then we fuck up again, right?

So then

the reporter goes,

Well, what's his other weakness?

And Lewis just smiles.

He goes, He's like, I'll keep that one in my pocket.

And he walked away.

And I was like, ah, that was perfect.

Perfect.

He's in his head, man.

But, anyways, like I said, it was pretty uneventful for the whole time.

Everybody just cruising around the fucking track.

No big crashes after that turn one.

And

the fucking American team, the Haas team, was up front for like two laps.

You know, they gave us a little pat on the head.

Like we were able to hold off the Ferraris for the first three laps of a 71-lap race.

And as an American, I'm supposed to be excited by that as we have the Ferrari Jr.

engine, whatever the fuck they give us.

So, anyways, the final like six laps,

Lewis Hamilton was right on fucking Ricardo's ass.

The tires are all fucking chewed up.

I was convinced Hamilton was going to catch him.

Ricardo was able to hold him off.

And then Sebastian Vettel was right on Botas's ass.

Once again, no passes were made, but it was still fucking exciting.

The last six laps of the race was great, and that track was fucking cool as hell, man.

I love how it starts like uphill.

That bizarre,

I don't know, I've never seen a track laid out like that, and it's in the

Austrian Alps.

How do you not fucking go to that?

Swing by Hitler's house, you go to the F1 race, and then you get yourself some Wiener Schnitzel.

How do you not do that fucking trifecta?

That's a bucket list thing right there before they tear it down.

I mean, I was always a fan of the Omen.

Always all those horror movies, those demon babies.

How do you not fucking go there and just be like, he fucking learned how to walk in that house?

It's just fascinating.

Like the first time he lost his temper was in that house.

First time he realized

he could draw.

I don't know how long he fucking stayed there.

It's just eerie, you know what I mean?

Look, if Universal Studios, if you can take the tour over there and they still have the fucking psycho house, you know, because everyone just wants to look at that.

This is a real life fucking psycho.

It shouldn't be glorified.

I'm not glorifying it.

It's the same reason why I want to see a great white shark from a boat.

You know?

I don't fucking, this is so, as much as everybody fucking bitches.

There's no way if you walk down the street, you couldn't fucking look at it.

You couldn't feel that fucking vibe of evil

coming off the side of the fucking house.

I don't know.

They're probably right.

They should probably tear the fucking thing down.

You know?

Why am I talking about Hitler's house?

Can somebody explain it to me?

So, anyways, the race ends.

I shut it off.

I come in here to go do the podcast.

And

I ended up, as when I shut off the race, there's this woman with short hair.

You know, she's got the fucking

haircut as that one.

Who's a girl?

I'm coming out, so you better get the party started.

Remember that

pink,

right?

Had the pink haircut, and she's sitting there talking to this guy.

And I'm looking at it like, this looks like a fucking therapy session.

What's going on here?

And the show is called The Therapist.

And they then, and I'm, and she's sitting there, it's Katie Perry

talking

i i about herself and like you know some people like me some people don't

some people like that i had long hair but they don't like the shorter haircut and i'm just sitting there thinking why are you doing this

sweetheart you should do this in private why would you put all this out of there is she going nuts

But as much, you know, her I felt bad for because it's just like, she's fucking obviously going through some shit.

But

the fucking therapist guy,

they got this whole intro and he's like walking through doors and shit.

Like, I'm so insane.

I'm a licensed fucking therapist.

You're a fucking money-grumping cunt.

Acting like you're trying to help Katy Perry.

I had to shut it off.

I had to shut it off.

I rewound it because I had to find the name of the fucking show and then I had to fucking walk away.

Jesus Christ, Katy Perry, if you need therapy, go to a fucking therapist.

Close the fucking door.

Have her shut up her phone

and get it out.

And I hope you get better.

You don't fucking do it on TV.

Do you realize what you're doing?

You're letting the world know what hurts you and you're on the internet.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

These are my weaknesses.

And every fucking asshole on the internet's gonna be coming after you

It's a bad move.

That is not a good move and like that licensed therapist air quote fucking that guy that guy should be disbarred That you would fucking exploit someone like that, but you know what at the end of the day I mean it was probably her people's idea She green lit it and then they had to find they had to find a therapist low enough on the rung

With enough TV presence that would fucking agree to do that gig.

I'm trying to think of the stand-up equivalent to that.

A televised gig.

You know what it would be?

It'd be like those fucking gigs that Beyonce and all those guys do for like fucking New Year's.

They go out, they sneak out of the country, and they go do like fucking, they sing Bootylicious for like 5 million bucks to the son of a fucking dictator.

You know, in some country that we're at odds with.

I guess like that's the TV version of it.

Maybe, I don't know.

Who the fuck knows?

Speaking of all that shit, did you see when Trump went to Russia and he met fucking Vladimir Putin?

Did you see that?

That was fucking hilarious.

You know what?

That's when they fucking were shooting the shit.

It reminded me of Jimmy the Gent after the Lufthwanza heist, however the fuck you say it.

When Trump walked in, Putin should have been like, Come here, you.

Come here, you.

Lufswanza, Lufton, how do you say L-U-F-T-H

Lufthansa heist?

Modal, I don't fucking know.

Anyways, oh, by the way,

rest in peace.

Great drama passed away about four days ago.

Jonathan Blackwell, who

absolutely killed it with Prince New Power Generation, played on Justin Timberlake's big, I think his first album, that tour.

Was it Blood Sugar, Sex, Magic?

I can't remember what it was.

Sexy Back Tour.

Stomp it on a disco ball, whatever the fuck it was called.

I can't, you know.

I actually own the album, too.

That's the sad thing.

Whamp,

whamp, whamp,

whamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp.

I'm bringing sexy back.

Right.

And what's that other one?

The other one, I always get the words wrong, and Neo always laughs.

What is that one?

Oh, I always think he says, dirty bitch.

Then I'll let you whip me if you misbehave.

I always think he's going, dirty bitch.

And he always laughs, going, he's not saying dirty bitch.

And I go, what's he saying?

She goes, a dirty babe, or something like that.

You know, it's the hardest one to fucking understand is that Rihanna.

She's got the accent and she doesn't.

She says, like, the first three letters of every word at the end of a sentence.

What's her new fucking hit?

We, you know,

me and Neil were going, I forget where the fuck we were going, but we had on like pop radio, right?

One of the pop stations there.

Is that what it's called?

Top 40?

And it was hilarious.

Like, they played the same 10 songs on the way there and the same 10 songs on the way back.

Isn't that whack, whack, whack, whack, whack.

It wasn't that one.

But it was the same thing.

It began with a W.

What?

Oh, it's going to fucking drive me nuts.

I gotta look it up.

All right, Katie fucking Perry.

Katie Perry, what a show, Katie Perry.

Not Katie Perry, sorry.

Not La Swanza.

Not Jimmy the Gent.

Rihanna.

Rihanna.

Music.

Let's see if it comes up.

Umbrella, L

A

A O O E E.

Come on.

Loading.

slowly loading.

I'm running out of shit to talk about.

I might have to fucking hit pause here at this point.

Maybe I can look up the song.

Oh, yeah.

It's not that one.

She has a lot of W songs.

Don't stop the music.

Work.

Love on the brain.

Diamonds.

Umbrella.

We found love.

Bitch better have my money.

Okay?

Man down.

All right.

I'm just, I'm too fucking old to be looking at this shit.

You know what I mean?

God bless you.

God bless you, hits.

Okay, I'm going to fucking.

I like being an old guy.

And you know something?

When you're a fucking old guy, you got to know when you're too old to be fucking looking at something.

You just walk away.

You know?

Like those fucking.

I don't understand why guys over 40s take those fucking testosterone pills.

It's like you're finally clearing your head.

You know what I mean?

You're finally getting out of the fucking bars.

You're finally realizing how much more sustained happiness you can get out of ordering a brand new drum kit and setting the fucking thing up

than the fucking colossal waste of time that chasing pussy is.

You know?

You see that question?

You're a guy over 40.

Try, was it?

Nugenics.

They act like your testosterone dipping is a bad thing.

It's a fucking great thing.

The clouds are finally parting.

Why would you want to take a bottle of that B18 forever fucking juice?

Jesus Christ, do you want to go back into the sports bar, shorten up the fucking

sporty slash whore-themed waitresses?

Right?

The original spice girls as they walk around with jerseys tied on.

Who's winning the game?

You want some wings?

You want some more buffalo wings?

Is they're slowly fucking killing you?

Why would you want to take a fucking pill that's going to make you think that that's a good option?

I'm going to go back into that.

You know, then you got to start P90Xing.

You got on a myrtle, right?

A man girdle, trying to suck in your fucking.

You know, guys, the torso just starts, it just keeps getting thicker and thicker, right?

You got your fucking, you still got your skinny high school legs because you're boozing it up, you got that goddamn beer belly.

Now you're gonna fucking throw some 18-year-old fucking testosterone down your throat

as you're walking up there, you know?

You got to dye your goatee before you go down there.

What the fuck are you doing?

Just let it go, man.

Fuck it.

Jesus Christ.

I will never fucking understand that.

I don't want to go back into that fucking world.

Granted, I experienced it with an orange afro.

I mean, maybe you guys had a better time than I did.

I don't fucking know.

I don't pretend to know.

Anyways,

I think this is it.

I don't know that I can go any fucking further here.

Have I talked about everything that I wanted to talk about?

I believe I have.

Oh, coming up this weekend, me and Dean Del Rey, host of the Let There Be Talk podcast, are going to be at the Fountain Street Church

in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

This is one of my favorite fucking places to play.

It's a still functioning non-denominational church.

All right?

Which is why they let comedians go in there.

If I ever decide to get back into religion,

I think I could, you know, what?

I bet I couldn't go to a non-denominational one either because they'd be so busy patting themselves on the back about how open-minded they are.

Just whatever you want to do, if you want to stand, you want to kneel.

And I have all that Catholic in me going, there's got to be some sort of structure.

What is this?

A fucking drum circle?

Anyways,

we're doing two shows Friday, and I think one Saturday or the other way around.

All I know is the third show has just been added.

There's still some tickets left.

They just added that thing because the first did so well.

So thank you to everybody that's showing up.

I can't wait to go up there and run my fucking mouth standing on an altar.

You got to go to this.

If you don't see me, you have to see a show at this place just to see the fucking venue.

It has an upper deck,

horseshoe upper deck that runs from one side of the altar right down the hall,

down the side of the fucking, you know, the windows there, to the back of the church and then comes right back up again like a horseshoe.

Right?

Like what they still call Ohio State Stadium, even though they enclosed it.

And like the altar is like the new stands that they stuck in there when they enclosed it.

So I'll be up there and then I go to New York to do the acting gig.

I'm just basically filibustering right now, seeing if I can get the fucking.

Nah, they ain't coming in.

God damn it, they're not coming in.

Why don't I read some dates for you?

You know, not like you can't do this on your own.

Billburr.com.

Stand-up dates.

I have got to change the fucking picture.

Oh, I got one with the shaved head.

I just never fucking, I got to learn how to upload photos.

All right, where do I go here?

Shows.

All right, this is what I got coming up.

Then I got in August 10th, Red Bank, New Jersey, Count Basie Theater.

All right, and then after that one, August 13th, All Things Comedy producing their first stand-up special ever,

Paul Versey.

All right.

Me and Pete Davidson are going to come out on stage and get the crowd warmed up and then Paul's going to go out and absolutely crush it.

It's taking place.

It's going down at the Terrytown Theater in Terrytown, New York.

Absolutely beautiful.

Bring the wife, bring the kids.

Don't bring the kids.

Come up there, hang out with us, watch a great special.

Tickets are going fast.

I'm sorry, August 10th and 11th.

I'm in Red Bank.

Oh, and 12th.

Oh, shit.

And then I fucking hang out with Versey.

Bam, on the 13th.

August 27th, Hyannis, Hyannis, Massachusetts at the Cape Cod Melody Tent, Jod.

Then I'm doing the Hampton Beach Casino.

First show sold out.

That's on the 30th.

Second show, they added a late show.

September 2nd, I'm at Valley Center, Harris Resort in Southern California.

And September 8th, I'm at the Horseshoe Casino in Bluesville, Mississippi.

Bluesville, Mississippi.

And then I'm going to an Alabama game.

The Crimson Tide.

Holy!

Going to that.

September 22nd, I'm at the Toronto, the Sony Center.

The Sony Center.

In Toronto, Ontario, on the 22nd and 23rd.

Then I'm in Vegas on the 29th.

Then on the 6th of October, I'm in St.

Petersburg, Florida.

Mahaffey Theater.

Now, this is what's great about that gig.

The Thursday, I'm going to see the Patriots play the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

That's the last NFL team I need to see

a home game of, including the fucking Los Angeles Chargers, but I'll go to one of those in September.

Then I do my gig, and then the next day, I go see that Florida LSU game.

And on December 14th, I got the hard rock

in

Florida.

And I might have an overseas gig

in Europe in December in my favorite city over there, my favorite city to take my wife.

Possibly, we're working on it.

We are working on it.

I'm going to hit pause right now.

I'm going to wait for the advertising to come through.

I'm going to read the fuckers, but it's not going to take any time out of your life because I'm not doing like,

you know,

not just going to leave a recording.

You know what I mean?

All right.

I'll see you in a couple hours, but in your world, it'll be a couple seconds.

All right, I'm back.

God damn it, I'm back, and I have advertising to read.

All right, we're done.

Nia, we're on to the questions.

Okay.

All right.

Norway.

When are you coming to Norway, man?

We would love it, man.

We need it before we end up like Sweden.

Have a nice weekend and go fuck yourself.

Oh, he's trash and sweet.

Hey, Nia, people want to know when I'm going to come to Norway.

Oh, is it Nia plus one?

I brought my plus one.

There you go.

Little baby boo bear there.

Here you go.

You can't sit in that chair right there?

No.

You didn't even entertain that option.

Nope.

All right.

Upside down, you're turning me.

Giving love instinctively.

Okay.

Rounding.

Yeah, I was talking about Deep Into the Blue Ocean with Jessica Alba and Paul Walker.

Into the blue.

Into the blue.

Into the blue.

I'll have the blue.

That racist ass movie.

Ocean.

Racist.

Yes.

How is it racist?

I watched it as a white person and I didn't have a problem with any of it.

Surprise, surprise.

What did you see?

No, that scene where they had the talk into the mic for the love of Christ.

You know what?

People have tweeted me and have been like, we can hear you just fine.

Well, then they would say that I was too fucking loud.

I mean,

yeah.

But they haven't.

They're used to it by now.

All right, I'm talking to the microphone.

No, there was this one.

So this place, this movie takes place in the Bahamas, right?

But of course you know there's like barely any black people in it and it's white people on vacation they're not on vacation they live and work there except for scott jessica alba's not white

oh right oh now who's not being racially sensitive yeah she's yeah okay fine she's not white but they're in the bahamas that's where black people live anyway can i get finish telling you how i you know Anyway, one of the guys that either works for them or works with them in some capacity, He has like maybe two lines and one of them is I gotta go my baby mama is hassling me over a weave or like needs me to give her money for a weave needs a new weave

needs a new weave like what the fuck they were capturing the black experience no no no they can't give him a line that has any kind of like dignity like oh I gotta go I told my wife I'd watch the baby or oh I gotta go my son has a soccer game my baby mama needs a weave that is so racist.

That is so, and then, and then there's another scene where they're somehow explaining, I don't know, pirates or some kind of Bahamian legend that, you know, Paul Walker is explaining.

And then, um, what's his name?

Scott Kahn is looking at pictures.

And he's like, I love Scott Khan.

So this is Snoop Dogg here.

And these are all his hoes.

And this is his pimp cup.

And blah, blah, blah.

And it's like, really?

He used to be in a rap group.

He knows the terminology.

You know what?

Do you ever see Eight Mile?

That was based on him.

It was based on Eminem.

And I'm not even

Scott Khan in a rap group.

Like, I'm just not even...

No,

I don't even want to talk about that.

Scotty Khan.

Scotty Khan.

Oh,

did he scratch to that, right?

And he came out.

Oh, my.

Yeah.

Let me rock it.

Let me rock you, Scotty Khan.

That was ridiculous.

The one thing that I liked about that movie, I can't believe we actually watched the whole thing, but there was a scene.

I enjoyed it.

It was so ridiculous.

Scott con and paul walker are talking about the like what are we gonna do man and they're underwater holding their breath at the same time they're above punching sharks they're on land and it's daytime as they're talking and the camera slowly pans around them like really slow and by the time it's done the sun has set and it was a really beautiful shot other than that that movie can go kick rocks right oh that's because you're holding the baby kick rocks can kick rocks said the f-word in front of her really trying not to do that

I mean,

but that movie was ridiculous, and I'm really upset at that line.

It still bothers me.

I got to go.

My baby mama needs new weed.

They were underwater for 15 minutes.

I can suspend my disbelief on that.

That wasn't something that I'm just saying.

I mean,

if they're going to handle

making excuses for that line in that movie,

why are you making excuses?

Because I meditate now.

And what I've learned.

It doesn't have to do with anything.

I'm learning to have patience.

Patience with what?

With just people's behavior.

Well, you're lucky that you have that ability to do that.

I was very offended and annoyed by that.

No, I'm just saying that, like, if it's not.

Was that not offensive to give him that line?

Not to me.

I'm white.

What?

I'm not asking about you as a white person.

I'm just saying that.

I'm not asking anybody.

It went over my head to defend you.

I'm just saying I didn't get it.

I'm telling you what it is.

So why are you sitting here acting brand new like you don't understand what I'm talking about?

God.

I'm just trying to be at some point and that's not funny.

Well, I don't care about it being funny.

I know it's a ridiculous fucking line, but I got to keep the comedy going.

This isn't count.

Point.

Counterpoint.

What is it now?

Point, counterpoint.

You got a moron for a host.

Oh, yeah.

Keep the funny for the love of God.

Please, let's not lose the funny.

God forbid you actually agree with me on some shit and try not to know.

Can you pitch this episode to dear white people for me?

Good lord.

I got it.

It's fucking offensive.

I'm agreeing with you.

I'm trying to fucking keep it funny on some level.

Fine.

I'm trying to, I'm just playing the ignorant white guy.

You don't have to play at anything.

Nia?

I'm the one who said the line first.

I was laying there.

I go, I got to get my baby mama a weave.

Terrible.

It's terrible writing.

I mean,

what the fuck?

It's offensive.

It's fucking people jumping, they're walking around all naked, looking good, holding their breath for fucking four hours.

Do you honestly think that they're going to have Maya Angelou or one of those people in their fucking heads?

Is that the right reference?

Sure.

All right.

What else you got?

I don't know.

Okay, Norway.

When are you on this apology?

Oh, by the way, you know what's stupid?

It was when I was imitating Jessica Abler doing lines.

I'm like,

like, she's dumb.

She's got a billion-dollar fucking company.

Where do I get off saying that?

Although, my podcast is doing pretty well doing iTunes.

All right, Norway.

When are you coming to Norway, man?

We love it.

We would love it, and we need it before we end up like Sweden.

Have a nice weekend and go fuck yourself.

Now, you, man.

We traveled.

You know what that means.

No, but before we end up like Sweden.

Yeah, you know what that means.

I don't know what it means.

You remember when they said Sweden?

Sweden used to, you know, Sweden remained neutral during World War II.

Okay.

Okay.

And they looked the other way and they allowed the Nazis to use their train system to go into Norway and fuck Norway up.

Is that what's going to happen to

Norway had right before the war

regained the lower third of their country from Sweden.

And Sweden's like, whatever, we didn't want it anyways or whatever, right?

So then during World War II, Sweden remained neutral.

Let the Nazis go through.

The Nazis fucked up Norway.

Sweden became a power after World War II just simply for the fact that their cities were still standing and they could

function in like a business capacity.

Jesus, I'm using some pretty impressive words for me, right?

So long story short, Norway ends up finding, and Norway didn't offer any, I mean, Sweden didn't offer Norway any help or any of that stuff.

Long story short, Norway ended up discovering all this oil in that land that they got back, I believe, or Northern that now

they're making so much money over there.

Nobody wants to do like lower-level jobs, so Swedes come in and do the jobs Norwegians don't want to do.

You don't remember the Norwegians saying, or the Swedish people saying, Yeah, we're like the Mexicans for Norwegians.

Wow.

Okay.

You don't remember that?

No, I don't remember that at all.

When would I have, when was that?

When the guy said it to us,

I thought it was the Norwegian guy when we were in Norway?

I got to be honest with with you, and you're probably going to jump all over me, but when we did Norway, Finland, and Sweden, like I honestly can't, I don't know, I don't recall which was which country because it looked the same.

Do you realize?

Do you realize?

No, don't try to cover your tracks.

Don't try to cover your tracks.

Do you realize if you took me

to Rwanda, fucking Rwanda?

Ecuador, and what is the other one over there?

You took me to three African countries, right?

The Gambia.

Gambia, Africa.

South Africa.

And then we went to Rwanda.

I was like, yeah, you know, to be honest with you, yeah.

I know what you're saying.

It's a bunch of blue-eyed, blonde-haired, white people.

No, it looked the same.

Norway, Finland, and what was the other one we went to?

What was the other one?

I want to go.

I want to go.

You know how much that plane ticket cost me?

Sweden, I love, because I love Stockholm.

But what were the other three?

I don't know.

Why don't you go get a fucking globe and spin it around a couple times and figure it out?

I can't remember which country was which.

I always wanted to travel as a little girl.

His three.

Was Oslo where we had that crazy meal?

That like 10 course meal?

Like the never-ending with the cheese at the end?

Was that Norway?

Why don't you just move out to Calabasas and knock on the Kardashians' door right now?

Why don't you just do that and just fit in with them?

What does anything that I'm saying have to do with the Kardashians?

Who is that place?

Oh,

I don't remember.

When we ate the cheese.

I don't remember what Finland versus Norway, like what we did, because they were geographically very similar.

All right, I'm going to have to do, I'm going to have to remind you of these places places in a way that your little travel brain

can remember.

Okay.

All right.

Finland was where you got the coat.

Yes, okay.

Okay, now you remember that.

Norway is where you got the cheese.

Yep, okay, okay.

And Stockholm, you loved, so you remember that.

There you go.

That's the difference.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So Finland's the coat country.

Got it.

Oslo's the cheese country.

The meal, yeah.

Yeah, we had that 200-course meal.

Yep.

And then there was that funkiest cheese ever, and I was eating it, and you were telling me to stop, and my eyes were watering, and the more you told me to stop, the more I had to eat it, because it was funny to me.

All right.

It was cold.

I remember it being cold.

Yeah.

All right.

Paris was the place that had the arch, like in Washington Square Park.

Yes, I remember Paris.

All right, restaurant doesn't accept

cash deer.

Cash deer.

Oh, dear Billy Red Tits.

Restaurant, some reason this is backwards.

It says, restaurant doesn't accept cash, dear.

All one word, Billy Red Tits.

I think it's Billy Red Tits.

Restaurant doesn't.

Dear Billy Red Tits.

All right.

The other day, I went to a very trended salad place in Hollywood.

And when I went to

a very trendy salad place in Hollywood, and when I went to pay, I held out a $20 bill, and the cashier said, sorry, we don't accept cash.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever done.

Have you heard this before?

Yeah, on like trains,

planes and shit.

Planes, I don't think they do.

What do you think?

Yeah, they're working towards a cashless society.

We're all going to be microchipped.

And that's going to be it.

And right when they gain control of all human society, the robots are going to take over.

All right, lastly but not leastly, the last question here.

Girlfriend wants me to call her daddy during sex.

There's a new one.

Hey, Bill, I just started seeing this girl.

We've been dating for about two to three weeks.

She's smart, attractive.

Everybody says this.

Career-driven, and generally speaking, has her shit together.

She seems like a girl.

Seems like a girl.

She seems like a girl.

As far as I can tell, she's got all the lady parts that I can see myself having a long-term relationship with.

However, recently when we were having sex, she insisted on calling me daddy.

I've never been the type to talk dirty.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I say, okay, I get it.

Oh, okay.

I thought it was the other way around.

I thought she wanted you to.

Okay, I get it.

Okay, okay, I see now.

All right, well, that's pretty pedestrian.

However, recently,

I've never been the type to talk dirty because it seems kind of silly and takes me out of the moment.

Yeah, you guys are not compatible.

She's gonna want to say all this filthy, crazy, over-the-top shit, and you're gonna be like, oh,

oh,

like in your fucking chi, whatever the fuck you're doing, you know, which neither one of you are wrong.

I don't know if you're compatible here.

When she started calling me daddy, I was caught off guard, but tried to play through it because I didn't want to make her feel weird.

Well, you're a good person then, all right?

i even attempted to throw in my own lines like oh yeah you like that but afterwards after the words left my mouth i had to try not to laugh because it felt like i was in a cheesy porno and it started to affect my performance um afterwards she asked me how i felt about it and i just brushed it off like it wasn't a problem but on the inside i was starting to have my doubts i'm trying to paint a picture without giving too much detail because i know you get all the weirdos

You get all weirded out by shit, but I know I don't get weirded out by a lot of shit.

Is it weird that she likes me to call her daddy?

Am I walking into a relationship with underlying daddy issues?

Help me out, Bill.

What should I do?

Oh, I get to be Dr.

Bill.

So when he's having sex with you,

she wants you to call her daddy?

This is how Dr.

Phil would handle it.

Well,

most of my fan base is female, so you're the male and you're therefore always wrong.

No, I would definitely bring it up to

I would bring it up to her.

It's difficult to bring up something like that with somebody, but if it bothers you, you got to bring it up.

I would bring it up and just say, listen,

I'm not judging you or anything like that, but

for me,

you got to keep it on your side of the bed.

It just feels weird.

Now, how do you say it?

I don't feel comfortable

having you call me daddy in bed.

It just

makes, just say uncomfortable.

Don't say weird.

And then, hey, Nia,

I need your help.

Are you here?

Keep coming?

I got the boo in the other room.

All right, this guy, this guy's with this girl.

He thinks she's great and everything.

She wants...

She wants

him to call

she wants to call him daddy during sex and it weirds him out.

How does he bring it up without making her feel like she's got a fucking problem?

I don't want you to call me daddy during sex because it makes me uncomfortable.

I don't think it's wrong.

I'm not judging you, but just for me.

For me.

That was perfect.

Yeah, just be honest.

There you go.

But just say I'm not trying to judge you.

I don't think you're weird because I know a lot of people do it because a lot of people do do it.

But just it makes me uncomfortable, and I'm not ready to go there just yet.

Can we come up with something else?

What if they went different languages?

Like, she's I poppy, yeah.

Or you just picture some completely random language.

I don't know.

Is German random enough?

German?

Yeah, you don't want to go there.

Next thing I know, she's taking a shit on your chest.

I don't know, buddy.

You got a.

Yeah, however, Nia just said it.

That's perfect.

All right, I'm going to wrap up the podcast here.

All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you guys once again for watching Efforts for Family.

We got, I don't know, you never know what the fuck ratings you get on Netflix, but you know, they gave us another season.

So there you go.

I really appreciate it.

That's it.

Please come out and see me and Dean Del Rey at the Fountain Street Church.

Grand Rapids added a third show.

Tickets are hopefully going fast, but hopefully there's some left so you can get them because I'm saying there's some left.

All right.

That's it.

I'll talk to you on.

Check in on you on Thursday.

Bye.

But don't let life go and pass you by.

Those dark moments take you by surprise.

Why this on my

trust

still telling me I ain't good enough?

You can ring my bell.

You can ring my bell

with the batter blowing through your veins.

Knowing family, knowing fate.

What to do, what to do, what to do.

And

time's coming right downhill.

You can ring my bell, honey.

Anything you need.

You can ring my bell, honey.

Anything you need.

You can ring my bell.

You can ring my bell.

You've got a sadness hanging in your eyes.

Well, I just wish that I could change your mind.

You can ring my bell on anything you need.

You can ring my belly anything you need.

You can ring my bell.

You can ring my bell.

You can ring my bell.

You can ring my bell.

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