Ms. Pat | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-20-25

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd, Bezos now, ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 2 coming.

Speaker 2 Watch Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 3 Okay. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Bird.
It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on your week.
See how's it going?

Speaker 3 Obviously, you see that I'm filming, which means I have a special guest, which means I'm not talking to myself like a lunatic.

Speaker 3 My special guest is one of the funniest and most authentic people I have met.

Speaker 3 In this business, this person is who she is everywhere she goes. It's why I'm such a huge fan.
We've been trying to do this for a while. Please welcome

Speaker 3 from BET. And what channel is the judge show on? I don't know.
BET. B.E.T.,

Speaker 3 the queen of BET, Miss Pat.

Speaker 3 Miss Pat settles it.

Speaker 3 I got to ask the thing I've always wanted to know about those

Speaker 3 judge shows on TV.

Speaker 3 Like that's the settlement is like they sign shit like whatever you say. Yes.
That is real.

Speaker 3 Now, what if they just won't shut up, right? Is there like contempt of court on you? Like, do you have like a Hollywood jail you can actually stick? Do you have that authority?

Speaker 1 No, I don't have that authority, but I do have the authority to say shut the hell up several times.

Speaker 1 And the good part about my courtroom, I think people know what they're walking into. So I really don't have that.

Speaker 1 You know, you know, I really don't have nobody like just getting out of control because I come away from around now and have a real conversation with you. Hey, let's talk.

Speaker 1 I don't need to talk about it.

Speaker 3 No, but you seem like such a fair person.

Speaker 1 I am a fair person.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so I wouldn't be like, if I was in your courtroom, if you came at me, I'd be like, all right, it must be something I'm doing.

Speaker 1 You know, a lot of people look at me as like an auntie, they mama, they sister. And so when they walk in the courtroom, they automatically feel like I'm a family member.

Speaker 1 And I'm that older person in the family, so they're going to listen. And so I've never had nobody just act a fool.

Speaker 3 Right. But I think when I,

Speaker 3 anyway, how I'm wired is if somebody is just being who they are, then I can relax because I don't have to like, okay, they said that. What do they really mean? And do all the math.

Speaker 3 Recently had an experience like that where it's just like, you know, there's what you're saying.

Speaker 3 You know, I remember this guy, I can't, I don't name names, but this person always pretends like they're friendly with me and they got a big smile on their face, but his wife is like staring daggers at me.

Speaker 3 So it's like, all right, this is what you're saying in public.

Speaker 1 That's what you're saying at all.

Speaker 1 Get out of my face. You

Speaker 3 You guys got to get on the same face page to sell what he's saying.

Speaker 3 It's super awkward. So I just always go like, all right, man.
Yeah. Hey, thanks.

Speaker 1 Appreciate it.

Speaker 1 He haven't taught his wife how to act in the business.

Speaker 3 I don't think she's in the business.

Speaker 1 She's in real life.

Speaker 1 That's why she got that face.

Speaker 3 If she was in sales, maybe she could have do it also. But

Speaker 3 anyway, so

Speaker 3 Miss Pat settles it. I got to ask, how do you have time? You have Miss Pat show, Miss Pat settles it, and Miss Pat on tour.
Always. Always on tour.

Speaker 1 Always somewhere doing some comedy, yes.

Speaker 3 Don't you like when people say that? Like, when are you going back out on the road? Or like, when does your tour end? It's like, never?

Speaker 1 Never.

Speaker 1 You know, in this business, I've learned that comedy is the one thing you own. You know, they're going to eventually cancel the Ms.
Pat show. It's in the fifth season, and then Miss Pat settles it.

Speaker 1 Who knows where where TV is going today? But one thing, you know, as comics, we can always count on, we can tour.

Speaker 1 You know, we're not like actors and actress who got to wait on somebody to call us and give us a job. We can literally go to a bar and sell $5 tickets and make up some gas money.
Right.

Speaker 3 And also what the hard part about acting is after you...

Speaker 3 Like as a comedian, once you prove you're funny, you're funny. Yes.
With an actor, it's like they prove that they can act, but then it's like, but can you do this? And it's like, I can act.

Speaker 3 I feel like actors have it harder because they have to,

Speaker 3 there's no like, I did this,

Speaker 3 so now you can have faith that I am a good actor.

Speaker 3 All they do is like, okay, so you played a cop.

Speaker 3 That's what you can do. We're just going to keep sending you cops off.
So then you have to fight this

Speaker 1 whole thing.

Speaker 3 This, what do you call that?

Speaker 1 Stereotypical.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you get not stereotypical.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 Typecast. The typecaster, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the typecast. And now all you do is play a cop.
I'm talking about my career.

Speaker 1 Cop or a fireman. What did you play?

Speaker 3 Oh, me? Oh, man. God, I played so many cops and firemen and shit like that.

Speaker 1 That's the face you got, Bill.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 I know. But I'm not a cop or a fireman.

Speaker 1 I know, but you don't look like a principal either.

Speaker 3 Well, what?

Speaker 3 Because of why? Because TV told you what a principal looks like.

Speaker 3 That's like Germany.

Speaker 3 With all of that World War II shit, everybody who's never been to Germany thinks it's all like Hitler's dream, like blonde hair and blue eyed.

Speaker 3 That's not that, that's who we saw across the way. That's the Swedish people.
And even then, that's just in Stockholm. You go outside of Stockholm, Sweden, that's where they keep their brunettes.

Speaker 1 Okay, next time I'm there, I look for them. But

Speaker 1 you gotta have, I mean, I think when people cast for certain things, they gotta be able to play the role, and then they gotta look like they belong in their role, too. Yes.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm not saying that. You wouldn't hire me to be a dance teacher.

Speaker 3 Why not?

Speaker 3 Because immediately that's an amazing backstory.

Speaker 1 I can't dance for one thing.

Speaker 1 I'll give you another.

Speaker 3 Injury, you had too many kids. You fucking lost your dance body.
There's a whole way, the whole way I could go with that.

Speaker 1 So I'll give you another example. Everybody think I can sing because I'm fat and I'm black.
I'm horrible. So nobody ever put, say, you're a comedian.
They automatically, you sing gospel. Fuck no.

Speaker 1 I don't sing at all.

Speaker 1 But everybody thinks my son's back to me.

Speaker 3 Everybody thinks my backstory is goodwill hunting.

Speaker 3 Did you grow up in Southeast? Were you good at math? Did you say, did you like apples? No, none of that. None of that.
I grew up in the suburbs. It was nothing like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I mean, so I can see you playing a firefighter or a police officer. I can see that.

Speaker 3 You're like working against me right now, if any casting directors want you.

Speaker 1 Well, you Bill Burr, you don't need no damn casting director.

Speaker 3 You'd be surprised.

Speaker 3 You would be surprised.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Look, I'm not young.

Speaker 3 I mean, it took me a long time. It took a few people.
You know what it took me? It was me going bald.

Speaker 3 That's what helped me because then I shaved my head and I ended up looking like the asshole that I really am. So I got to play an asshole.

Speaker 1 But before that,

Speaker 1 like they had. What guy was holding you back?

Speaker 3 They, well, they just would, I would walk in, like, occasionally, I've told this story a million times, but back in the day when there was black and white headshots and it was the 90s and you put moose in your hair,

Speaker 3 it looked dark, so it looked brown. And a few times I got brought in for the lead, and there was an unwritten rule that a red-headed male is not a lead in a movie.

Speaker 3 And I would come in there and I would see their faces drop.

Speaker 3 And you know that shit where you prepare like three or four scenes and they'd be like, you know, you know, we're just going to do the first scene.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 3 And like, nobody's looking at you as you do it.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I knew why. But I also knew in the back of my head, I'm like, I just just need one person to give me a chance to play an asshole.
So actually, you know, something was breaking bad.

Speaker 3 It was Vince Gillian that gave me a chance, and I still had hair. So, but I also got to stand next to Lavelle.
So, Lavelle Croft. Yeah, yeah.
So, I think I look maybe tough by proxy.

Speaker 1 Tough or either smaller?

Speaker 3 Or definitely smaller.

Speaker 3 So, tell me about this, the

Speaker 3 Judge Show, and as far as like

Speaker 3 how how long does it take you when you i always want to wonder on stuff like that like do you just like knock that out um when you go when you you you do like your taping of a season whatever whatever it's called nowadays um

Speaker 3 for the uh the the the miss pat settles it settles it so the way it works is we sweet i want to say miss pat that's that that's what i thought they should have called it like the verdict and it's over right miss pat settles it how long does it take you to shoot that thing uh two weeks it's how many episodes We spin about 70 episodes.

Speaker 1 No. Yes.
Two weeks.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. Yeah.
Okay. And I don't know.

Speaker 3 Five days a week?

Speaker 1 Yeah, five days a week. About 10, 12, 13 hours a week.

Speaker 3 What day do you start going crazy?

Speaker 1 It's what time I start going crazy. Probably about four o'clock.
I've had enough of it. After lunch, after you done fed me, it's time to go.

Speaker 3 You become a hangman judge after four.

Speaker 1 You know, it's just long. Then it's all ab lip for me.
So none of that stuff is written. So I have to come off of my top of my head to keep the show interesting, to make sure it's funny.

Speaker 1 And then I do have a jury on the side, but it's all really on me being able to pay attention to everything and make the crap funny. So it's like doing crowd work.

Speaker 3 That's the funny thing, though. A jury on the side.
I didn't know what that meant for a second. I got a jury on the side.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they ain't what shit, but they funny. Oh, they are, right? Carlos Miller, D-Ray Davis.

Speaker 1 Oh, D-Ray's on that show? D-Ray's on it too, yeah. Okay.
And it's, it's pretty funny. It's pretty funny.
All right.

Speaker 3 Well, I got little kids, so I can't watch stuff like that.

Speaker 1 Well, we're not cursing on that one.

Speaker 3 I know, but they just, they're not going to get into adults arguing over you put your fence on my property. And I didn't appreciate that.
Like, they're going to get. They watch like Jurassic Park.
Oh.

Speaker 3 And stuff like that. Yeah, I'm kind of in like that world right now.

Speaker 1 How old are they?

Speaker 3 Eight and five. I started late.
I'm the reverse. I started.

Speaker 1 Oh. Yeah, really late.

Speaker 3 Is that okay? That was like two O's.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's legal.

Speaker 1 I'm the O.

Speaker 1 You got some shelter babies because my kids watch any damn thing.

Speaker 3 Well, you know what? I kind of go with their vibe. Like, my son will watch, like, Kojak with me and stuff like that, and he doesn't care.
But my, yeah, I'm old.

Speaker 3 But my daughter is not into into that stuff. She doesn't like violence, she's like a good person, you know.

Speaker 1 And my son are like you took him all the way back to Kojak? It's a great show,

Speaker 1 Bill Burr. You sit here sounding like my damn husband.
Well, you might know my husband be watching like old World Series game with Bay Rooster, and just dumb crap.

Speaker 1 It's not dumb crap, it's better. It's black and white TV.
Everybody at that stadium is dead. Everybody on that show is dead.

Speaker 3 Kojak, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Kojak dead.

Speaker 3 Cracker just passed away. It was Crocker.

Speaker 1 Bobby Crocker. I was like Cracker.
I remember Cracker.

Speaker 1 I remember being on there, but I don't remember nobody's name Cracker.

Speaker 3 No, I like going because I like the cars.

Speaker 3 The dialogue is funny. And.

Speaker 1 It's so old.

Speaker 3 I'm so old.

Speaker 1 I can't say.

Speaker 3 How old are you? 57.

Speaker 1 I'm 53. Right?

Speaker 1 But I don't watch that. I don't watch nothing.
I don't watch nothing past the 90s.

Speaker 1 Well, the 90s is 30 years ago.

Speaker 3 What's another 20 years? I'm going to go to the next stage.

Speaker 1 I'm the end of the 90s. The end of the 90s.
Geez, I don't even know if I watch it.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Speaker 3 What is the oldest? You won't watch like an old, like, Fresh Prince?

Speaker 3 Martin? Was that in your wheelhouse? What were you watching?

Speaker 1 It was in everybody's wheelhouses. I don't watch a lot of Martin.
My sister loves it. I had a friend that loves it.
You know, I can't tell you I was, I watched a whole bunch of Martin.

Speaker 1 I did watch some.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you, I didn't watch a whole bunch of friends.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 3 I couldn't relate to it.

Speaker 1 Why not?

Speaker 3 What do you mean, why not? Because they fucking.

Speaker 1 They're your people.

Speaker 1 Them your people. Come on.

Speaker 3 You know better than that.

Speaker 3 You know better than to lump everybody all into one fucking thing.

Speaker 1 You think I glad would sit there and have something to say to the fucking

Speaker 3 whatever they were talking about.

Speaker 1 You come on.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you,

Speaker 3 you know one of my favorite.

Speaker 1 Are you a white man that didn't get

Speaker 1 drinking coffee in a cafe?

Speaker 3 I didn't start drinking coffee until like two years ago.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. What other ideas of white people do you have?

Speaker 1 Oh, wait.

Speaker 3 How big do you think my apartment was when I was in New York? Did you think I had a step-down living room and I left the door unlock and my friends would just come walking in?

Speaker 1 We had those types of issues. I don't know, Bill Bird.
I don't don't know what you're doing.

Speaker 3 I think you do. I feel like you're pulling back right now.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 you're white. I thought you had the good life.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You said suburbs. That right there was a big thing for me because I didn't.
I said what?

Speaker 3 I said Sherburt?

Speaker 1 Suburbs.

Speaker 3 Oh, suburbs.

Speaker 1 Oh, I forgot. Your wife have a college degree, so you don't talk slowly.
No, you have a southern accent.

Speaker 3 Can you please say suburbs again?

Speaker 1 Suburbs.

Speaker 3 Okay. All right, now I got it.

Speaker 1 You know what that reminds me of?

Speaker 3 Before southern rap became mainstream,

Speaker 3 I remember this,

Speaker 3 what are those, those Def Jam poets? He came up to New York City with a hardcore Southern accent and they were just laughing. He had this poem he was doing.

Speaker 3 And he'd be like, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because you're scared.

Speaker 1 And everybody goes skirred in the crowd.

Speaker 3 And he kept going back to it.

Speaker 3 And he had no idea why he was bombing.

Speaker 1 Because you're scared.

Speaker 3 And in his head, people just go, because you're scared. And just laughing at him.
I felt bad.

Speaker 1 I do have a southern accent. I'm from Atlanta.
All right.

Speaker 3 Well, okay. Yeah.
So I didn't, yeah, there's different kinds of

Speaker 3 people.

Speaker 3 It is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, there's different kinds.

Speaker 3 Yeah. So not all white people were looking at friends like, yeah.
For a lot of white people, maybe that was something to aspire to.

Speaker 3 To have an apartment where you could actually buy like full-size furniture.

Speaker 3 Like any apartment that you see on TV in New York where you actually have room to have a table on your.

Speaker 1 Well, they were supposed to be in New York.

Speaker 3 I think so, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't watch Friends.

Speaker 3 I didn't either.

Speaker 3 I didn't either. I mean, I thought the women were

Speaker 3 beautiful, but I mean, it wasn't enough to make me sit there and watch their shenanigans every week.

Speaker 1 I watched,

Speaker 1 what was the show that they stole it from?

Speaker 1 I watched Living Singer.

Speaker 3 I don't know what that was.

Speaker 3 Now, wait, how are you going to sit there and look at me and be like, I know you watched Friends, if that's your idea of me? Why would I know what Living Single is?

Speaker 1 Living Single with Queen Latifah on it.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 I watched sports.

Speaker 3 I didn't watch The Golden Girls. I didn't realize The Golden Girls was a good show.

Speaker 1 Oh, that was such a good idea.

Speaker 1 I watched The Golden Girls.

Speaker 3 Okay, until I had a baby, right?

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I couldn't get up. Because my daughter had fell asleep.
And then this Golden Girls marathon came on. I was like, oh my God, this is the worst.

Speaker 3 You you know the remote was over there and it's like I can't move because the second she wakes up I'm in trouble and I just was watching it and it was it was great it was fucking it was fucking hilarious yeah all right it was hilarious oh you found some common ground here yes I love the golden girl

Speaker 3 and they talked about real stuff all right I liked Martin I like Martin I didn't I didn't watch Fresh Prince I wasn't into that I like fresh prince I watched that I didn't watch that golden girls it took me a while a lot of shit, I get to it late.

Speaker 3 And I go, oh, this is good. Like,

Speaker 1 I know you haven't watched my shit, Dan. What? The Mispass Show.

Speaker 3 I did watch your shit because you've supposed to have come on this show for years now, and it's never worked out. And when I watched it, I was like, this woman is a star.
And I was just so struck with

Speaker 3 how mean

Speaker 3 this stuff you were saying simultaneously with the amount of love that was underneath it. And I absolutely loved the show.
Say that?

Speaker 1 Well, I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 And I was like, she's an amazing actor, and she has this authenticity to her, and she could do stuff way beyond this, like dramatic shit that a lot of times they don't let comedians do.

Speaker 3 That's what I thought. And then I went back to watching sports.
But I watched like four or five episodes.

Speaker 3 And what it reminded me of is the great sitcoms of the 70s that I grew up on where they actually had real characters rather than, you know, somewhere along the line, people started speaking in setup and punch rather than in character.

Speaker 3 So, what I loved about your show was that it was, it was deeply rooted in character. And as much as you were trashing your kids, I wouldn't trash them.
You could say, okay, tough love.

Speaker 1 Black mama. Huh?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 I'm going to go around that.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you're looking at me like, not my damn wife.

Speaker 1 Inner city black mother.

Speaker 1 I am an inner city black mother.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 What is that? Okay. All right.
You say, sit the fuck down. Oh, okay.
And the situation. Oh, wow.
Burberry mama might be saying, no, we need to time out.

Speaker 1 No. Okay.
No, not in.

Speaker 1 I'm just telling you the two differences so you'll know.

Speaker 3 I know, no, but that's that's once again

Speaker 3 that whole thing that, like, oh, you were in this.

Speaker 3 I remember, like, my friends, because they all came from divorce, were sitting there going, like, oh, yeah, look at Bill's family, because we all rode around in a station wagon and had paper.

Speaker 3 So, like, oh, yeah, they probably sit down for breakfast and they have two pieces of toast with that square piece of butter and the half of grapefruit and all that type of shit.

Speaker 3 And I was thinking, like, dude, if you knew what the fuck was going on in my house, I wish my dad left.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Oh, you know, I saw your car, too.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it was, it was, yeah, that, that is the,

Speaker 3 that is super light.

Speaker 3 Super light. And that's not even, that's more me than my dad.
That, that was, and that was another thing. That was an amalgam.
There's, you know, it was 10 writers in the room.

Speaker 3 So that was an amalgam of everybody's dad. I mean, I didn't want to put all the stuff out there.
I also wanted to have a funny show.

Speaker 1 It was good. I did watch that.

Speaker 3 Okay, so I didn't want to, yeah.

Speaker 3 Look, it was before therapy.

Speaker 3 People did the best they could. This, look,

Speaker 3 yeah, there was like people drank.

Speaker 3 My parents weren't drinkers, but they were like, people had kids, so they didn't have to get up off the couch to make a drink.

Speaker 1 That is the most really shit ever.

Speaker 3 Yeah, all of my friends, like, were like,

Speaker 3 could pass the bartender test by the time they were like eight. They could make whatever you wanted, like a screwdriver, a Cape Carter, a Manhattan.
You know, how do you like it? Do you like it dirty?

Speaker 3 You know, it was insane. I used to sit there, and it was funny.
It was, I used to look at them and think their parents were cool.

Speaker 3 And it wasn't until I got older that I said, no, my parents not doing that.

Speaker 1 It was cool. It was cool.

Speaker 3 Because I was just starting to get drunk with my, you know, underage drinking and stuff. So,

Speaker 3 you know, with my teenage brain seeing parents behaving like teenagers to me, oh, they're cool. Like, that's how I'm going to be when I'm an adult.
And then you realize that that's not the way to be.

Speaker 1 My mother used to make us light her cigarettes. on the stove.
I don't know why she never had a lighter or no damn matches. And she was like, she would give give us a cigarette.

Speaker 1 So I think we probably, probably six or seven or seven, eight. And we would have to go in there.
And if we didn't pull it, she would whoop our ass.

Speaker 1 Because if we didn't pull it, it would burn the cigarette down the side. And I, when I remember being in school, and then it was this thing called Smokey the Bear.
And Smokey the Bear,

Speaker 1 Smokey the Bear would tell you, don't do drugs and don't smoke cigarettes. Everything kills you.
And if you, you know, if somebody touched you, you know, Smoke a Bear taught you all the right things.

Speaker 1 And so.

Speaker 3 You went a different Smokey the Bear than I did. He just told us not to pollute and don't light the forest on fire.

Speaker 1 No, this who told me

Speaker 3 inner city, Smokey the Bear, and this is all you load a Glock.

Speaker 1 Yeah, keep your

Speaker 1 thumbs out your ass.

Speaker 1 Tell the truth.

Speaker 1 I'll smoke it a bear.

Speaker 3 We were just like, We're not sending all those mascots down there.

Speaker 1 Have Smokey the Bear come down there and just say all this shit.

Speaker 3 We don't have time for this.

Speaker 1 Smokey the Bear was like, No alcohol.

Speaker 1 no, keep the thumbs out your ass.

Speaker 3 I had Mickey Mouse come to my school to watch out for sexual predators, and then I had Smokey the Bear.

Speaker 1 No, we had Smokey the Bear just did everything,

Speaker 1 so he said, Don't smoke. But my mama would make us light her cigarettes, and I remember burning her cigarette up the side because Smokey the Bear said, Don't smoke.

Speaker 1 And she was like, Why you burn my damn cigarette up? I said, Smokey the Bear said, Don't smoke. She snapped the shit out of me and said, Who the fuck is Smoke of the Bear?

Speaker 1 And I'm like, The man at the school who says, Don't smoke.

Speaker 1 She didn't like me to light her cigarette because I wouldn't pull it. But my sister pulled it.
And she's been smoking since elementary school.

Speaker 3 Oh, your sister smokes?

Speaker 1 Yeah, crack everything now. And I still went back to my mama having her pulling that cigarette.
I refused to pull it.

Speaker 3 You just burned it up?

Speaker 1 I burnt that bitch up so many times, and I took that slap like a man. I took that slap like Jesus.
You know, turn the other cheek and let them slap you again.

Speaker 3 Weren't you just trying to get out of having to do that? Or was it actually because you didn't want her to smoke?

Speaker 1 Well, no, she smoked Winston too, so that was very strong. And for a seven-year-old kid to be puffing on a Winston, you might have well had me puffing on a winston.

Speaker 3 Oh, so you didn't just light the end. You had to get it going.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I had to get it going. Because it was on the fire, on the stove.
You know, you just light it, it's gonna burn it up. If you don't pull it, it won't catch.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's I thought you meant pull it out of the fire. Oh, no.
My parents didn't smoke.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, pull it. Like, I had to put it in my mouth and pull the cigarette to get it going.
I ain't like cigarettes.

Speaker 1 And my mama watched a lot of soap poppers, so I could never understand why she didn't smoke Virginia Slims like the lady on the sitcom, because they looked warm, like very female.

Speaker 1 My mama did everything like she was a lesbian.

Speaker 3 Oh, because of the size of her cigarette.

Speaker 1 Thick-ass cigarette, she told, she never told a purse. I've never seen my mama with a purse.
She told a wallet, and she kept everything in that man's wallet.

Speaker 1 Our birth certificate, her panty liner, her prescription,

Speaker 1 everything.

Speaker 1 By the time she sticked that bitch in her back pocket, it was this thick.

Speaker 1 My mama had no ass, but one side was always sticking out.

Speaker 3 Wallet butt cheek on one side.

Speaker 1 She carried a wallet. All right.

Speaker 1 I used to think that she was a lesbian, but she wasn't.

Speaker 3 I can see that though. She carried all that.

Speaker 1 I thought that I would watch Friends and be like, oh, yeah, I get this.

Speaker 1 I don't know, Bill Burr. I just love Chandler.
Yeah. I don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 3 I felt like it was sort of like all of those sex in the city, all of that stuff. Like, I've never been into that.

Speaker 1 What have you been into?

Speaker 3 I watched a lot of sports, and then I just.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're talking about the damn sports. Huh?

Speaker 3 What are you talking about?

Speaker 3 That's all I did.

Speaker 1 You asked me what I did. Is that what you do now, too?

Speaker 3 Well, I've finally gotten, now that my kids are up and running,

Speaker 3 now they're getting into sports.

Speaker 3 so I can watch it now. Like my son likes hockey, and

Speaker 3 my daughter likes baseball and stuff. So they're coming around.
But like, you know, early on, it's a lot of like Bluey

Speaker 3 and these other cartoons and stuff. And it's, it's, you know, and then you're just like, all right, once they go to bed, I'll sit down and I'll watch this game that I tape.

Speaker 3 But you're just exhausted from raising them, so you just fall asleep. So I kind of have like a five-year period where I didn't watch much of anything, but I watch a lot of movies and I watch sports.

Speaker 3 I don't like

Speaker 3 a lot of the new TV shows. It's just, they're, they just, the way they, they, they compel you to just watch, keep watching and binging,

Speaker 3 it's like, I don't know, it's like to eat like Doritos. So you start eating them, you can't stop.

Speaker 3 I just want to be up at three in the morning going, I'm just going to watch one more episode of this shit.

Speaker 1 I'm just not. That's good TV, isn't it? What?

Speaker 1 To continue to watch, you know, episode after episode.

Speaker 3 And yeah, well, it's just like booze is good until it like fucks up your life.

Speaker 3 And I just look at all of that stuff: the internet and TV and all of that shit, like that you really have to, like, you know, you have to drink responsibly. You have to like watch responsibly.

Speaker 3 You just can't just put on a streaming network and just lose nine hours of your fucking life.

Speaker 3 You know, like, I got to get caught up. I got to get through this.
I don't have to do any of this shit. I always tell people, I'm like, just tell me what happens.
Tell me what happens. And literally

Speaker 3 saved me 30 years of my life, 30 hours of my life.

Speaker 1 You literally are at that edge where it's just male midlife crisis. You like.

Speaker 3 I'm having a midlife crisis because I don't like to stream television shows.

Speaker 3 I'm going to go on a limb and say, you just misdiagnosed me.

Speaker 1 You just, you just, you just.

Speaker 3 If you were my doctor and you said that shit to me, I wouldn't even argue with you. I would just sit there with my eyebrows up, like in my head, being like, I'm firing her.

Speaker 1 This is my last

Speaker 1 appointment.

Speaker 1 You just at that point in your life, like

Speaker 1 most people who's over 50,

Speaker 1 you know, forget the bullshit. Just get to the point.
Like, I hate long conversations. I hate a long text.
I don't like to read. Literally, I do not like to read.

Speaker 1 I don't want to read all of that, especially no text message. Because you could have called and told me this shit, and it was way easier than me squinting my eyes and opening in this.
Or voice text.

Speaker 3 That's like a book on tape. It's like a text on tape.

Speaker 1 I don't want to text at all. Just pick up the phone.
So I'm at that point in my life.

Speaker 1 So I understand you don't want to binge and, you know, I don't watch a lot of TV either right now, but those are the things that I don't like.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm not holding my gas anymore because I'm 50-some years old and I don't have those type of organs that can hold gas back.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 3 you know. All right, so we'll do like a half hour.

Speaker 3 All right, here's something that fascinates me. One of many things about you is, and I didn't know about this

Speaker 2 until

Speaker 3 Pam told me.

Speaker 1 Oh, Lord.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because I was just like, I'm not going to ask her the same 12 fucking questions that she gets asked. So this whole thing that

Speaker 3 you're like into real estate and buying properties, I don't owning them or flipping them. I don't know what you're doing.
But that was really interesting to me to see an artist.

Speaker 3 Usually we're done with our money, but to see somebody actually like...

Speaker 3 you know, creating like a revenue stream outside of the, considering how this business is shrinking, which isn't, it's like as big as it's ever been.

Speaker 3 What has shrank is the amount of people actually getting paid to be in it.

Speaker 3 So the fact that you're like, all right, so I got, you know, when you were talking earlier about you got your stand-up and nobody can touch that and that's your thing to then create this other,

Speaker 3 like to me that as much as, okay, you got to deal with tenants and that type of stuff, it seems like a really smart, liberating,

Speaker 3 it's putting you in a really great position of power in this business that if they if somebody comes to you with something you don't want to do, you're not in a situation to be like,

Speaker 3 I don't want to do this, but I have to do it because I got to keep my

Speaker 3 SAG card. So, um,

Speaker 1 I like, um, I like uh, I'm a DIYer, so I was doing this before my career ever took off.

Speaker 1 My husband used to, uh, before he worked at General Motors, he used to build houses, and I will watch, I was on Section 8 at the time, and I watched a lot of HGTV, and I would dream of having houses like those on HGTV.

Speaker 1 And so, when I when I bought my very first first property, I

Speaker 1 just tore it apart. Now, HGTV gives you the energy to tear it apart.
I was just saying, how did you have the guts to do that? I would be so scared to do that. Because they pump you up.

Speaker 1 Oh, you can do it. You can do it.
But nobody tells you you got to know how to put that crap back together. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But my husband was, my husband was building houses at the time. So he knew a little bit.
And between that and YouTube, we made some mistakes. And over the years, we just kept them.

Speaker 3 He keeps building houses. What do you mean he only knew a little bit? It sounds like he would know what he was doing.

Speaker 1 He framed them. So he didn't do all the inside.
He just framed them up.

Speaker 3 So he didn't have any plumbing or electricity.

Speaker 1 No, he don't have any of that.

Speaker 3 But he knew what a load-bearing wall was.

Speaker 1 He knew, yes. That's the big thing.
He just removed one from me today.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 2 give it up for Chicago. Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 2 coming

Speaker 2 watch sebastian man escalco it ain't right now streaming on hulu and hulu on disney plus for bundled subscribers terms apply

Speaker 1 oh

Speaker 3 that's awesome i think that that's fantastic yeah so i just started uh i only owned three properties seemed like a lot to pam what it what what's so fast that's great but it's like that's money that's just always going to come in so you're never going to be broke.

Speaker 1 Yes, and I paid the properties off. So I built my house two years ago.
I uh, my, we were living in Indiana, and I told my husband to retire. I was like, I think I can, I think I got this.

Speaker 1 Just come on back to Atlanta. So we get back to Atlanta, and he told me where he wanted to live at.
And I bought a house for $480,000 on seven acres, and I knocked it down.

Speaker 2 Seven acres? Yes.

Speaker 1 And I built a 15,000 square feet house. And I just saved my money.
And I didn't have a G G C.

Speaker 1 I got an architect.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 1 A general contractor. So they're the person that you give all the money to.
And then they take a percentage of your money and they build your house. And they make sure every, they keep the product.

Speaker 1 How long did it take you to like design it?

Speaker 3 And then from designing it and then

Speaker 1 it took me about six months with an architect because what I did is, I'm not a designer, interior or out.

Speaker 1 I just rolled around neighborhoods and I just told, I just told the architect, I said, I want my front porch to look like this. I want this to look like this.
I want that to look like this.

Speaker 1 And I just went on TikTok and stole everybody's designs.

Speaker 3 But you didn't have any like specific thing like

Speaker 3 I want a whole movie theater or I want to do that.

Speaker 1 I do have one.

Speaker 1 Okay, you got it.

Speaker 1 I put all of that in there. I knew I wanted that because I had that in my other house.
So I just,

Speaker 1 like, when you walk in my house, I didn't want to walk in directly to steps. So I told the architecture.

Speaker 3 Is it just the split entry?

Speaker 1 No, it's just over to the side and they have backsteps for the kids to come in when they come from school. And I knew what I want the railing to look like, the bedrooms to look like.

Speaker 1 I knew how many bathrooms. It was crazy because as I was building, I put one too many bathrooms there and I didn't realize.
And I was like, what the hell is this? And my

Speaker 1 bathroom. I said, this is supposed to be a closet, but it was already plumbed up.
Oh, God. So it turned into an extra bathroom.
So I ended up with 13 baths.

Speaker 3 Well, let me ask you, that's what I never understood: is on these giant houses, the amount of bathrooms versus bedrooms, there's always like three times as many bathrooms like do these people have weak bladders like it'll be like seven bedroom 43 bathrooms it's just like

Speaker 3 i think i have can you not make it to one of the seven it seemed like it would be like seven bedrooms like eight bath you'd have one one downstairs off the living room the kitchen or whatever but why do why do they always have

Speaker 3 it's like a third more

Speaker 1 i don't know do they run i think they run out of ideas they do i to do with all of that space i have 11 bedrooms and 13 baths, but I built a little podcast house next door for one of my kids.

Speaker 1 So I have a two-bedroom house connected to the big house. And my daughter stays over there.
And I go there and I do my podcast.

Speaker 3 You have like llamas and stuff running the property. You got animals or any of that stuff?

Speaker 1 I have a dog. $3.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they have a house. So, $100 acres? Yeah, I built them a house too.

Speaker 1 So they have an 800-square-foot house.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Let's back up when you were saying how I couldn't relate to friends in their giant apartments, and you just told me you built an 800-square-foot house for your dogs.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They got air-conditioning cable and AC in a washing machine, a shower.

Speaker 1 They're cane corsos. They're bigger than you.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you took all their motivation away to have to bark and defend you. It's like they made it.

Speaker 1 No, they bark. They do bark.
They really do bark.

Speaker 1 But they are spoiled. They are spoiled.
That's amazing. Yes.
So I think that's what fascinated people. So do you want to

Speaker 3 continue to grow? This is when you get money. They call it your portfolio.
Yes.

Speaker 3 And your real estate portfolio.

Speaker 3 Increasing or decreasing your presence in the real estate market. That's how they talk.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't know anything about that, but I'm going to increase. My daughter, one of my daughters right on my show.

Speaker 1 And so she's very good with her money because she went to a much better school than my Medicaid kids did.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 she invests and I just went to her one day. I was like, hey,

Speaker 1 let me show you how to get money to make more money. You just sitting here living for free in the other little house.
You know, let's buy some houses together.

Speaker 1 And she was like, and I was, I didn't think she was going to do it, but she did it. And so she was like, well, how much you need? I was like, just give me $75,000.

Speaker 1 And I was like, she's never going to give me $75,000.

Speaker 1 And I looked up and she trembled. I said, this bitch got some money.
Oh, so she's been doing it.

Speaker 7 That's amazing.

Speaker 1 So we just bought our first property together. And

Speaker 1 she let me do all the remalling. And I just told her, I said, you got to think about it like this.
It's money when you need it. It's there.
And

Speaker 1 the houses that we're buying is paid off. So I'm just buying like, you know, some raggedy crap.
And because I'm a DIY, and that's what I do. And I just fix them up.

Speaker 3 That's great. My wife watches this show, this couple.

Speaker 3 I don't know where they're from, but they're always flipping houses. It's a huge show,

Speaker 3 and they do the exact same shit to every house. They come in and they just go, all right, we're going to open it up.
We're going to get some windows, put in some hardwood floors.

Speaker 3 And like, I just say that every time, like, right as they look at it, I say it, and then they end up doing it. So

Speaker 3 they've had a couple of cool ones. Like,

Speaker 2 there was like this, like, I don't even know what it was.

Speaker 3 It's almost, I don't know, it's a shotgun shack. What do you call it?

Speaker 3 It's like one of those, like, we call them railroad apartments in New York, but it's like one of those things where you just, you walk in, here's the living room, and then you walk into the kitchen and the bedroom.

Speaker 1 That's the kind of house my granddaddy had.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so somebody, there was only a few of them left. So now they're kind of historic because that style of house doesn't exist anymore.

Speaker 1 Well, they're bringing them back into new model homes, them shotgun houses. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 I know. I feel like

Speaker 3 that has to do with

Speaker 3 how wealth is spread out at this point. That we're sort of reverting back.
And now they're like lowering the age where kids can work. You know, they're trying to get it down to like 14 and 13.

Speaker 3 I mean, this is shit that people like died, like fighting cops and strikebusters to prevent their literally going back to that.

Speaker 1 They try.

Speaker 3 What kills me is it's fucking nerds. I always thought it would be like some, you know,

Speaker 3 you know how Jack Nicholson looked when he was playing Jimmy Hoffa with that square jaw and that buzz cut.

Speaker 3 Like if it was somebody like that doing it, you know, with the Joseph Stalin haircut, you're kind of like, all right, I get this, but to have some fucking

Speaker 3 Star Wars fan

Speaker 3 take all the music and then this guy's taking all of this.

Speaker 1 You do social media?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 I got off that in the beginning of September.

Speaker 1 It works for me.

Speaker 1 I can't stress over, you know, somebody's opinion about me. And I had to learn that too, because when I first started,

Speaker 1 they would say mean stuff about me. Oh, you fat and you this and

Speaker 1 all kinds of shit. And so, but I talk back.
You say something to me online, I'm going to talk back. And I was like, yeah, I'm fat, but I make, you clocking in at McDonough,

Speaker 1 you poor bitch.

Speaker 1 And I'm going out here making your whole salary one weekend. And stop letting your daddy fuck you.

Speaker 1 So I was fired back. So you say something to me,

Speaker 1 they don't really say anything to me anymore. Because I will fire back.

Speaker 1 I tell them, I'm not Beyonce. I'm behind this phone.
When you send a message, it pops up, bitch, and I can read it.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 1 And I talk about that. And I go straight to their page and find their slow kids.
Oh, okay. And they mama and had been in a wheelchair

Speaker 1 and they inbred family.

Speaker 3 You just told me you say fuck it and you give it to God. And now you're doing a deep dive into completely.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't do that as much as I used to.

Speaker 5 Going after their whole families.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 What does their slow kids have to say? They don't even know how to type it in.

Speaker 1 Well, I got to talk about them. Get that slab off your baby bottom lip.

Speaker 1 Who you had that baby by a llama?

Speaker 1 Or duck?

Speaker 1 Baby, look like a cash pack kid, bitch.

Speaker 1 That's when I have time.

Speaker 1 If I don't have time, I just, you know, I say, fuck it, I give it to God. But if I'm just laying in the bed a couple days and ain't had no bath and my wig is off, you gonna get it like a hard dick.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna give it to you.

Speaker 3 Your whole family's gonna get it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I send a message to my assistant. I said, make sure I spelled everything right.
She sent it back and I tear their ass up for about an hour. She'd be like, stop it, stop it.

Speaker 1 I said, I ain't gonna stop. You said something to me.

Speaker 1 You said something. Don't say nothing to me.
I said I would meet you at Starbucks and beat this shit out of you.

Speaker 3 You gotta be careful with that.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 3 There's crazy people out there.

Speaker 1 Come on over my house.

Speaker 1 Come on over my house.

Speaker 3 You don't mean that.

Speaker 1 Yes, I do. No, you don't.
Yes, I do. No, you don't.

Speaker 3 You have this beautiful 15,000 square foot house.

Speaker 1 And I got three dogs that eat white and black people, Asian, Mexican, anybody who jumped the fence. And I got a couple bullets.
Now, I can't shoot you because I'm a convicted felon. But

Speaker 1 I live with a lot of non-convicted felons.

Speaker 3 As a convicted felon, even in the South, you're not allowed to have a gun?

Speaker 1 Not right now. Not till I get the other felonies off my record.

Speaker 1 Today I get them all off. I'm just going to be shooting in there.
Pow, pop, pow, pow, pow. I mean.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get on the back of my cane corso back and I'm just going to start shooting in there.

Speaker 3 Wait a minute. How many do you have left? I don't want to get involved in them, but how many do you have left?

Speaker 1 You got to get in there. I got about, what, three felons to go?

Speaker 1 It was like three. Three.

Speaker 3 Oh, that must have been a long list.

Speaker 2 She just said just like three.

Speaker 1 It was like four

Speaker 1 in the single digits.

Speaker 1 It was holidays are here.

Speaker 3 The judges are feeling a little more forgiving.

Speaker 1 Believe it or not, it was a lot.

Speaker 1 Oh, well.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 well, you

Speaker 3 became a wonderful person. I don't know who you are.

Speaker 1 I was already a wonderful person. When I was committing those crimes, I was trying to survive.
Two kids at 15, eighth-grade education. I I was trying to get some money.
I wasn't trying to kill nobody.

Speaker 1 I was just trying to steal a little bit, sell a little crack, you know, made a few mistakes. You know, I was just trying.

Speaker 1 I wasn't the dope dude that did the drive-bys. Now, I put the gas in the car for the drive-by, but I didn't personally go on the drive-by, unless it was on my baby daddy.

Speaker 1 I drove by, shot up his baby mama's. But just a regular person, no.

Speaker 2 You beat up one thing,

Speaker 3 wait a minute. Some more of these more of your pastors come on.

Speaker 1 I did not beat up the teacher. He lied.

Speaker 3 You defended yourself.

Speaker 1 You defended your own. No,

Speaker 1 I used to do vending at the dome, at this hot dog space, the dome. And I would take

Speaker 2 Georgia Dome.

Speaker 3 I still don't understand why they tore that place down. There was nothing wrong with it.
Put that whole city in debt with the Mercedes-Benz, whatever the fuck they call it.

Speaker 1 And the family is a bad person. And then

Speaker 3 they tore down Fulton County Stadium, built a brand new stadium. My people don't want to go in town because of the traffic.
And then they built another one out there.

Speaker 3 And there's still just as much traffic.

Speaker 1 It's just as much traffic.

Speaker 3 I had a show out there when there was a Braves playoff game. Like they have a little theater near the ballpark.
And I was sitting there. I could see the venue for like an hour and 15 minutes.

Speaker 1 I don't think it was because white people didn't want to come. That's the only people that went there because I used to work at the Braves Stadium.

Speaker 1 The problem was they wanted a new stadium, and the city said no.

Speaker 3 They just got one.

Speaker 1 That Fulton County Stadium has been around a long time. No, no, no.

Speaker 3 Then they built them a new one. No, no, no.
And then they got another one.

Speaker 1 No, they don't. They only built, it's from Fulton County.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Atlanta. I forgot.
I forgot. Fulton County.
God damn. How do you know all this? Well, Fulton County State.

Speaker 3 That's what I did when I was on the road.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I didn't work at Fulton County. I worked at the other one.
Okay. And so

Speaker 1 they wanted that one tore down and a new one. And he said no.
So they was like, forget you. We're moving the Braves to Cobb County.

Speaker 3 But what I'm saying is they tore down Fulton County Sandy, which I understand. That was the cookie-cutter, you know, football and baseball.

Speaker 3 Those things were ugly, and they didn't put any thought into them.

Speaker 3 So then they made them this beautiful stadium, and then it was like nine years later they said, We want another one, we want to get out of here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 And then they left it, and then they gave it to like Georgia Tech or some shit. And they draw like 800 fans sitting in this thing that you could play a major league baseball game in.

Speaker 3 Yes. Yeah, it's bizarre.

Speaker 3 I guess. And you as a convicted felon can't have a gun in that state?

Speaker 1 But they can do that.

Speaker 3 When does the

Speaker 3 Miss Pat, and that's that show, when does that

Speaker 1 settle it? It's come on every Tuesday night.

Speaker 3 Oh, so it's still on. So are you here to promote a new season?

Speaker 5 Is what I'm asking you to do?

Speaker 1 Yes, it's just started. New season.

Speaker 3 Oh, so it is just starting. Okay, that's great.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, I'm going to.
I'm going to

Speaker 3 check. I think you're a sweetheart.

Speaker 1 I think you wanted to do it.

Speaker 3 Despite all of your, you know, gassing people up for drive-bys or whatever the fuck it was you were doing.

Speaker 1 We all have a pass.

Speaker 3 No, and I think you're a phenomenally talented artist.

Speaker 3 And I think if they give you a shot to do something dramatic in a movie, I think you would absolutely fucking kill it because you are so grounded and such a real person and really interesting.

Speaker 1 Thank you. I am a real person.

Speaker 1 One thing I said about when I went to Hollow Kane, Hollywood, I can't let anybody change me because I can only be Miss Pat.

Speaker 3 Well, there you go. My thing that I said to myself was like, no matter what happens, I'm coming out the other side looking like a person.
I'm not doing

Speaker 3 this shit or this shit. I'm not doing that.
I'm not getting hair stapled and I'm just going to be like, all right, I guess I'm a character actor. I guess I'm going to look like.

Speaker 1 You know what's the craziest thing is like, you know, white women need lips because white people have thin lips. But now black women are getting Negro lips.
I don't get it. It is.

Speaker 3 First of all, they can only make one pair of fake lips. Everybody has the exact same lips.

Speaker 3 And you can tell them from a little behind on the side. You automatically go,

Speaker 3 those are those. Yeah.

Speaker 3 They make...

Speaker 3 I'm trying to do it. I can't do it.
But it's the exact same. Why don't they a little more, a little, it's not like fake titties where they could any cup size you want.

Speaker 3 They have like, do you remember like the old haircut? Like, which haircut do you want? They go, which lips do you want?

Speaker 1 They got one pair of lips and everybody gets them and do you know those lips go down and they have to get them pumped back up they go down like every three to four weeks and they have to get them pumped back up

Speaker 3 it's it's uh it's insane people and and nobody wanted them until they went online and and that's the thing i think what it is is regular people get trashed like entertain like entertainer you just have to take it that it comes okay if you're going to get up on stage and run your yap and a mouth

Speaker 3 into a microphone sorry run your mouth and into a microphone someone's going to, you know, you're going to get heckled. People are going to say mean shit to you.
That comes with the gig.

Speaker 3 But now the people in the crowd, they have their own little Instagram, TikTok page. And,

Speaker 3 you know, people just like, that's like a sport. Like, and the people who are the meanest, like, have no accounts.
Like, they just go in to like trash people. So I think it's giving like,

Speaker 3 like, dude, I know somebody in New York. He's he's

Speaker 3 a superintendent

Speaker 3 Of a building, and he got a hair system.

Speaker 1 Jack.

Speaker 1 A hair system.

Speaker 3 He got like his shit.

Speaker 3 He was going bald.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine

Speaker 3 Billy Ocean?

Speaker 1 You know who Billy Ocean is?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I know who Billy Ocean is.

Speaker 1 You know the lips on him.

Speaker 1 You know Billy Ocean's lips. Well, I never looked at him like that.
Can you imagine? They tease him about his lips, and today they buying his lips.

Speaker 1 A woman, whoom, whoa.

Speaker 1 Oh, what do you know about that?

Speaker 3 Mr. Potato Head Lips.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a good ass.

Speaker 1 I never thought of it like that.

Speaker 3 You can't even see the nose.

Speaker 1 Mr. Potato Head lips.
That's what they buy.

Speaker 1 But they go down. That's so crazy.

Speaker 3 No, all of that stuff doesn't.

Speaker 1 It's like asses. I used to hate having a big butt.
I have a big butt. And, you know, big butts wasn't always in style.
But my daddy's side of the family, everybody got an ass.

Speaker 1 When I met my daddy, I was like, oh, okay, I see why I was shaped like this.

Speaker 1 And nobody wanted to have a big butt. Now, everybody wants a big butt.

Speaker 3 It's Sir Mixalotte's problem. It's what? He brought it into the white community with that rap video.

Speaker 3 And then all of a sudden, he basically was talking about flat-ass white women, right? And he wasn't into that. He liked this.
And then that was the first thing. The first thing.

Speaker 1 What's the song? Remind me.

Speaker 3 Isn't it? I like big butts.

Speaker 1 Oh, I like big butts. Yes.

Speaker 3 Yeah. That was my people's first, like, what the fuck is this?

Speaker 1 That's what made white women go out and say, we ain't got no way.

Speaker 3 I think that that was the beginning.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know. That was the beginning.

Speaker 3 And then, like, and then also during that time, that was when, like, hip-hop started overtaking, like, pop music.

Speaker 3 And then it became the mainstream. And then there was all of this money.
And then all of those women were in those videos.

Speaker 3 And then that, the same way it was reversed, you know, where black people were watching all these white people looking at that. It was like the fake ass is the white people's conk,

Speaker 3 basically.

Speaker 1 You know, like the fake ass is the white people's conk.

Speaker 3 Yeah, conk, like straightening your hair. Oh, conch.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So now they're like, I guess I have to have a fucking ass so I can look like the people on TV.

Speaker 3 It's gone, it's gone the other way.

Speaker 3 Anyway, we're getting off track here. So

Speaker 3 I don't know what else to talk about. Let's talk about your live dates coming up, and then we can wrap this up before you start getting gassy.

Speaker 1 I'm glad you remember.

Speaker 1 I don't have my dates on me. Just go to Miss Pat.

Speaker 3 This is how you know she's funny. If she was a hack, she would know all of her dates, all of the fucking information.
Truly talented people cannot promote their fucking tours to save their life.

Speaker 1 I don't fucking know. If I didn't have this young lady in my life, I wouldn't know where the hell to be ahead of you.

Speaker 3 You're like me. Like, I'll be going to the airport, and my wife will call me up and be like, Do you know what airline you're flying? I'm like, I don't.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 I just deal with like, I get picked up at this time, and then I get in the vehicle. Yes.
And then I handle some phone calls.

Speaker 3 And then when I start getting close to the airport, that's when my brain goes, okay, what airline are we flying?

Speaker 1 You don't fly the same airline?

Speaker 3 No. I just fly when I want to.
I never got into that miles thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. You're leaving so much money on the table.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you know something?

Speaker 3 I don't become like they keep moving the yardstick. That's what I don't like.
And they got all of those fucking idiots.

Speaker 1 Well, by now, you're at the yardstick. It's not for you to worry about the yardstick.
I'm a million miles, so you've been doing this shit way longer than me.

Speaker 1 So I know you would have been there by now. I only fly Delta.
I try to.

Speaker 1 I'm not on there to like play their fucking fucking well mamma coupon type person if I'm if it's a credit card it's got to be some type of coupon or something I'm gonna get out of it I'm a I'm a miles person

Speaker 1 I'm a points person

Speaker 1 every hotel I stay at like make sure you use make sure I get my points and they be looking at me like you want points yeah bitch I want all my points

Speaker 1 every time I swipe my American Express card I'm concerned about points Home Depot give me points

Speaker 1 Lowe's give me points I mean I mean that's a different you know I'm a woman so I watches everything everything. Everything's about points and coupons for me.

Speaker 1 I would literally have somebody, one of my kids, hey, clip that coupon and go buy this today.

Speaker 3 You got to do it. You call it a coupon.

Speaker 1 Coupon.

Speaker 3 Coupon.

Speaker 1 Coupon, what? Coup. Coup coupon.

Speaker 1 What'd I say it?

Speaker 3 Cue.

Speaker 1 Cue. That can't be a coupon.
Coupon.

Speaker 3 Coupon.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 3 It's C-O-U-P. Coupon.
Oh, am I fucking losing my mind?

Speaker 3 I know what you're saying. I just think it's cute the way you say it.

Speaker 1 Coupon? Coupon. Okay.
No, the way.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 Who's saying it wrong?

Speaker 3 This is becoming like Goodfellas. No, the way you say it, it's just funny.

Speaker 3 The way you say the

Speaker 1 coupon?

Speaker 1 Oh, nobody ever told me I was saying it wrong, but okay. Let me...

Speaker 3 No, I was just quoting Goodfellas, which I knew halfway into it. I'm like, she's not going to get this reference.

Speaker 1 I'm not.

Speaker 3 Now you quote Living Single or whatever you talked about.

Speaker 3 I can tell you this, the whole cast of Living Singles would walk by me and I would have no idea. Queenly Tifa, I would know, but only because of MTV.

Speaker 3 UNITY, that's a unity.

Speaker 2 I remember that with the big priest hat.

Speaker 1 That was not a priest hat. That was a.

Speaker 1 The fucking chocolate. That was not a priest hat.
That was a.

Speaker 3 That was an African, whatever. I know.

Speaker 1 All right, so I'm in.

Speaker 3 If you're a white person, you wear a hat like that, you're the Pope.

Speaker 1 You really are the Pope.

Speaker 1 Not with the dashiki on the front. Yeah, okay.
Then you, African. Fair enough.
Philadelphia, what is this? He's growing up. Oh, I did.
I was like, I look like I already been to all these days.

Speaker 1 My next date is.

Speaker 3 I thought you had on slip-on clogs.

Speaker 3 Actually, clogs never had that thing on the back, did they?

Speaker 1 No, these are slip-on Gucci.

Speaker 1 I'm in Miami, Florida. No, I'm not sure.
Did you have a coupon when you got those?

Speaker 1 It was a gift. It was a gift.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Charlotte, North Carolina. I'm at the comedy zone December 5th and 6th.
Right after my mama and daddy's birthday.

Speaker 1 December the 12th through the 13th, San Antonio Comedy Club.

Speaker 1 I'm coming that away. Laugh out loud.
New Jersey, the theater, Victoria's Theater. Make sure you get your tickets.

Speaker 3 What's the date of that?

Speaker 1 New Jersey, December 19th.

Speaker 3 December 19th. There we go.
All right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But the most important.

Speaker 3 Give one more.

Speaker 1 The most important. I'm going to give you two more.
The most important one,

Speaker 1 New Year's, Alabama, I'll be there at the Stardome. But guess what?

Speaker 2 I love that place.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? I do too. Yeah.
February 13th and 14th, I will be in

Speaker 1 Baltimore at the Baltimore

Speaker 1 Center Stage.

Speaker 3 Do you ever used to work that improv? We had to walk like nine miles down that hall.

Speaker 3 It was like it was buried into the bowels of this fucking building. It was the worst location I had ever.

Speaker 3 I don't think they still have it. They had like something like right down on the water.
And you would like walk.

Speaker 1 I think I did that

Speaker 1 when I used to open for Arnaz J and D-Ray Davis.

Speaker 3 Arnaz Jay, I was talking about him the other day. That's one of the funniest dudes ever.
Yes.

Speaker 3 Like when I first started out doing comedy, I remember seeing him on TV being

Speaker 3 like that.

Speaker 3 That is killing.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he would murder. Yeah.
And all of those comic views, all of that stuff.

Speaker 1 I opened for him for about eight years. Him and D-Ray around the same time.
Oh, okay. So I have to give a shout out to D-Ray.
D-Ray taught me how to headline.

Speaker 3 Yes. D-Ray, I used to do that Mobeta Mondays.
Yeah. I haven't done that in forever.

Speaker 1 It's still there. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I haven't done that. It's a grumpy crowd sometimes.

Speaker 1 You know, I think those.

Speaker 3 Because it was Monday. It was just Monday.
It wasn't people just sitting there like, I got to do this four more times.

Speaker 1 You know, then you'd be going on stage, hey, who are you?

Speaker 3 I'm a comedian. I don't have to do shit.

Speaker 1 They don't want to laugh. They just, I'm here to see the celebrities.
I don't ever stop through, but I love D-Ray.

Speaker 3 I love D-Ray too. No, and Monday nights is good, but I'm just saying, every once in a while, the crowd would remind you that it is, in fact, Monday night.
Yes. It's not a weekend.

Speaker 1 But they dress up like it's a weekend. Yes.
Yes. Yeah.
They came to show some skiing.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's not how I roll.

Speaker 1 I'll forget you were saying your special. Oh, February 13th and 14th, I'll be at Baltimore

Speaker 1 center stage, and I'm shooting my second special there.

Speaker 2 That's amazing.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 4 Where are they going to put it on?

Speaker 1 I'm paying for it myself, so we don't know yet.

Speaker 3 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 3 Well, let me know. If you want to come back and promote it, I would be happy to promote it.

Speaker 1 Well, I'll be more than happy to come back to Bill. It took us five years to get together.

Speaker 3 I know. Well, you're busy.
Your tour never ends. My tour never ends.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And when you, I tried to catch you last time you were in Atlanta, but I was leaving the day you got there.

Speaker 3 Because you're always on the road. All right.
And I would do a date with you at some point if you wanted to do like a road gig or something like that.

Speaker 1 Oh, most definitely. Hell yeah.

Speaker 3 Let's bring a crowd together and freak people out.

Speaker 1 You'd be surprised how diversity mine is.

Speaker 3 No, that's like, no, I think

Speaker 3 you're an old school star. You're an old school star.

Speaker 3 All right, before we just have off-camera conversations, I'm going to try to bring this back into like a professional thing and just wrap it up here.

Speaker 3 I'm so psyched we finally got to hang.

Speaker 1 I'm so psyched.

Speaker 3 And I'm so happy for you and all of your success. I think, like I said, I kind of said all the compliments earlier, but I'll say them again.
I think you're phenomenal. You're a star.

Speaker 3 And beyond all of your comedy and your real estate portfolio and all of that, I'm dying to see when somebody gives you a shot in some movie where you got to do some drama stuff because I really think you would kill it.

Speaker 3 I really think that you would kill it.

Speaker 1 Thank you. And if that don't come, I would love a DIY show.
Oh, okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 Do it yourself.

Speaker 3 I got a production company?

Speaker 3 I would put that together in a second.

Speaker 1 Do it your damn self. I want to,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 because TV is so fake.

Speaker 3 All right, that is the Thursday podcast. Miss Pat, everybody.

Speaker 3 Check her out on the road. And if you're in the Baltimore area, please check her out when she's going to be doing her stand-up special on the 13th and 14th.
Oh, February.

Speaker 1 Go to misspatcomini.com.

Speaker 3 Oh, Valentine's Day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What a great date night.

Speaker 3 All right, that's it. Thank you for watching.

Speaker 2 We'll see you on Monday.

Speaker 2 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 20th, 2017. Right off the bat, the first thing you should notice is my hushed fucking tone.

Speaker 2 Not a hushed tone, a hushed fucking tone.

Speaker 2 My daughter is sleeping downstairs. It's like 5.30 in the fucking morning.
And this is the only time I'm going to have to do this podcast

Speaker 2 if I wanted to kind of come out on time today. So

Speaker 2 that is what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 I was with my daughter all day yesterday. It was awesome.
Nia went out with some friends and then she went out to fucking dinner

Speaker 2 and I just sat there. We watched the Patriots Raiders.

Speaker 2 I had taped the Celtics

Speaker 2 Hawks game. I watched a little bit of the Dallas

Speaker 2 Philly game because on inside the NFL I said Dallas was going to win.

Speaker 2 And my only reasoning was division rivalries. You know what I mean? It's like, look how bad the Buffalo Bills got fucking raped yesterday by the San Diego Chargers for whatever fucking reason.

Speaker 2 They're going to give us a tough game. They're at least going to cover the spread one goddamn time.
For the simple fact that we see him twice a year going back to like 1960 back in the AFL, you know?

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I was wrong.

Speaker 2 I'm big enough to say that I was wrong. Carson Wentz,

Speaker 2 I guess, six foot five, unbelievably mobile.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Eagles put a thumping on him. I'm a big enough man to say I was wrong.

Speaker 2 I'm a big enough man to let you know that I'm sitting here drinking tea all alone.

Speaker 2 So yeah, I just did that. It was just

Speaker 2 hanging out with my daughter, dude. She's amazing.
She really is amazing. She is like

Speaker 2 all over the place. She can say mama now and she can say dada, but she doesn't know what they mean.

Speaker 2 You know? And she doesn't know when the word ends. So you like say mama, and she just goes, mama, mama mama mama mama.

Speaker 2 Say dad da. She'll go like, mama mama.
Come on, say dada. She'll go, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, da.
And then pointing at myself, she'll just smile at me like, what the fuck is with you?

Speaker 2 And she just crawls away.

Speaker 2 She can stand, she can let go of stuff, still stand

Speaker 2 for a good like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I think her record's like eight or nine seconds. And you always think that they're going to like fall back and hit their head.

Speaker 2 Drives you nuts, but for some reason, they just sit right down in their butt.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I still don't trust the whole.

Speaker 2 I still don't trust the whole thing.

Speaker 2 And I did the classic dad moment.

Speaker 2 Somebody bought us a toy that I think is a little advanced

Speaker 2 for my kid.

Speaker 2 It was basically, you know, like the walkers that old people have. This is like the same kind of thing, except it's,

Speaker 2 you know, it has a smiling cow's face on it and sings songs on the front. But essentially, it's an old-person walker.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 my daughter was pushing it around like on her knees first, and then she started standing up.

Speaker 2 What I did was I put my iPhone slightly in front of it, you know, because they love any sort of computer screen. Um,

Speaker 2 and uh, she was, you know, started taking steps with it or anything, but there's like no brake on it. It's like really fucking dangerous, so I always have to be hovering over.

Speaker 2 So, the one time I go to film her doing it, and no, I'm not going to show you this footage.

Speaker 2 She fucking starts to walk, and I'm filming her, and all of a sudden she like leaned back, and the whole thing like tipped over on her. She fell down, hit her head.

Speaker 2 She was on the rug, though, the capital area. But if I were to show you that video, you'd see the second she was in danger, I fucking threw the camera down.

Speaker 2 I tried to catch her, as opposed to most of these fucking parents out there.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, it's like they're trying to put him in bad positions. And then the kid falls down and you hear the parents laughing.

Speaker 2 They don't even try to help him because they're all giddy thinking like this is going to get me a bunch of hits.

Speaker 2 Like I haven't seen this one. There's some kid, I guess somebody was telling me like

Speaker 2 hanging from something and falls into a fucking fish tank. Breaks the fish tank or something.
That's water. That's glass.
That's dead fish.

Speaker 2 That's the kind of shit used to get you sent to bed. The second your parents saw it, they'd be like, dude, what the the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 2 Okay, they didn't say dude, but everything else they said.

Speaker 2 Now the parents just sit there and they, you know, it's like watching one of those nature shows. Like anytime they show a snake eating, somehow it always finds a fucking mouse.

Speaker 2 Do you know how long you'd have to sit there following that goddamn snake around with an entire camera crew?

Speaker 2 The thing keeps turning around, looking at you, trying to strike you. You're freaking it out, right?

Speaker 2 Plus, you and your camera crew are making all that goddamn noise. You're going to scare all the mice away.
But somehow, they always seem to capture the moment.

Speaker 2 The snake fights the other snake, you know, it kills a rabbit, it kills a fucking bird.

Speaker 2 I want to know why all of these fucking people out there, right?

Speaker 2 All of these animal lovers, they're talking about the Japanese beating all those dolphins to death in the cove. They're talking about don't leave your dog,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 in a car with the windows up, all of that shit. What about these mice?

Speaker 2 Okay, on these fucking nature shows. I think I've told this before.
I watched one time. They're following this snake through the, we'll say, air quote woods.

Speaker 2 Okay, the snake is completely oblivious of the goddamn camera crew. They must be just tippy-toeing around, right?

Speaker 2 Craft services just off in the distance.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 So they got one camera team is following this mouse. The other team is following like this rattlesnake or something.

Speaker 2 So the mouse goes down into the hole, and then the snakes go down in the hole. And then next thing you know, I'm in the hole too.

Speaker 2 The camera is in like the giant living room part.

Speaker 2 The open area, the great room, the room over the garage, if you will, of this hole. Okay, the game room, the man cave, right?

Speaker 2 And the camera's already in there.

Speaker 2 The fucking mouse is standing there, like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 You know, like Joe Pesci and Goodfellow is like, ah, no, the second it sees the camera, and then the snake comes in and kills the thing.

Speaker 2 I want to know, PETA, they're so busy, you know, wrapping themselves around some fucking half-dead armadillo layman in the streets. Where the fuck are they on this issue?

Speaker 2 How in God's name could that camera crew possibly, in all the fucking holes in the woods,

Speaker 2 of all the fucking mice in the are there mice in the woods? I don't know, right?

Speaker 2 Of all the fucking rodents in the goddamn woods, how the hell did they know that this fucking mouse was going to go down that fucking hole and that snake that they were following was going to follow that mouse down into that hole, into that part of the hole?

Speaker 2 There's only one way, people.

Speaker 2 It was a setup.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 It's a setup. The same way they set up those sharks to look like a bunch of lunatics when they hang that fucking steamship round, hanging off the goddamn boat.
Steamship round, everybody.

Speaker 2 I told you I'd work it in.

Speaker 2 It's just basically half the hindquarters of a cow. They got that hanging off the side of the boat, right?

Speaker 2 The great white shark shows up.

Speaker 2 It's got that Arsinio thing where, you know, when it smiles, it shows way too much gums, making it not a sympathetic character, which is why I think when they brought Arsinio back, it didn't last that long.

Speaker 2 I think personally, I don't think it was because of the talent of the man, you know, go back and watch Coming to America, going blow for blow with Eddie Murphy, you know.

Speaker 2 Same thing with these great white sharks.

Speaker 2 Majestic, beautiful, doing their fucking job.

Speaker 2 God forbid you got crooked teeth in America. I'm telling you.

Speaker 2 The mice have crooked teeth? They got pointy teeth, right?

Speaker 2 Are they meat eaters?

Speaker 2 The fuck does a mouse eat?

Speaker 2 It's got to suck when you figure out that in the pecking order of nature, you're just sort of this

Speaker 2 like a slider.

Speaker 2 You're like this appetizer.

Speaker 2 you know, all of that shit. Christ, they're fucking like rabbits.
It's like rabbits have to produce the way they do or a bunch of other species die

Speaker 2 and I imagine some egghead with the lab coat would say that eventually human beings would die

Speaker 2 unless we ate a plant-based diet

Speaker 2 fruits and vegetables grains and nuts

Speaker 2 I'll get into this shit later on you know I watched this video saying that you know meat and butter and shit and eggs and dairy wasn't that bad. So you know what happens the second you fucking

Speaker 2 say that

Speaker 2 you know this food isn't bad, a bunch of people, other non-experts,

Speaker 2 come out of the fucking woodwork and start telling you about the videos that they that they just watched and the shit that they think is right.

Speaker 2 You know, it's literally like these fucking food people and nutrition people, I'm done with them.

Speaker 2 You know what they're like? They're like religious people

Speaker 2 where they think God loves them best. Their story about God, Buddha, Muhammad, Jesus.

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus. Right?

Speaker 2 I don't want to start a race war here. Not a race war, a religious war here.
But you got to admit, Jesus is the coolest out of all of them. You know?

Speaker 2 Hey, man, like, you guys want to see me walk on water?

Speaker 3 I mean, he's just doing all these tricks.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 He's like a fucking lounge act in Vegas. He's pulling all the fucking bread and the fish out.

Speaker 2 You know, in fairness to Muhammad, I have not read one word about him.

Speaker 2 I've never read the Quran. I've never even read the Bible.

Speaker 2 You know, in the afterlife, I just hope I die in a group accident. You know what I mean? So that way we're all just kind of sitting there and I can kind of skate with the smart kids.

Speaker 2 You know, when the teacher would come in, did anybody

Speaker 2 read the short story last night?

Speaker 2 Y'all read it? And everybody was kind of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like try not to make eye contact.

Speaker 2 Then the dude would start asking questions. You're like, oh, fuck, come on, man.

Speaker 2 You start looking at the smart kid, like, dude, put your fucking hand up and ask God damn, answer these fucking questions. That's what my afterlife thing's going to be about.

Speaker 2 You know, I actually don't think it's going to be that bad

Speaker 2 because I am a big believer that either you're just dead, like that poor fucking mouse,

Speaker 2 or the Arsenio Hall reboot of the talk show. She's just dead.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck, that I just wake my daughter up.

Speaker 2 I can hear her downstairs, but she always wakes up this time, anyways.

Speaker 2 It's amazing when you're a parent. The second your kid stirs in the crib, you fucking wake up.
Still not getting eight hours' sleep.

Speaker 2 It's probably why I'm talking about this fucking mouse right now at 5:47 in the morning. Pacific Coast time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think either you're dead or you just kind of show up

Speaker 2 and God's just like, yeah, sorry about that.

Speaker 2 You know, it's just a big experiment. I just,

Speaker 2 you know, I wanted to create a bunch of things that destroy each other.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's what happens. If you do watch those nature shows, the level of fucking murder that goes on out in nature,

Speaker 2 Just all the time.

Speaker 2 Does anybody die of old age, like die a natural death in nature?

Speaker 2 I think like elephants do.

Speaker 2 But even then, they're trying to walk back to that place that they remember. And I don't know, they're always hyping up elephants about everything that they fucking remember.

Speaker 2 It's like, I get it, I get it. They're smart.

Speaker 2 Okay, I get it. There's 30,000 fucking muscles in their goddamn nose.

Speaker 2 I'm just fucking with with you. You gotta love elephants.
You know?

Speaker 2 Rhinos and hippos are the cunts of elephants.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Like, I feel like an elephant, you kind of got a shot, as long as that kid's not around.

Speaker 2 Like an elephant just kind of looks over at you and it's just like, all right, man, you know,

Speaker 2 keep your distance. Everything's fucking cool.
And rhinos and like hippopotamuses, those fucking things are.

Speaker 2 Did I say rhinos and elephants are the cunts of the elephants? Did I say that earlier or did I say rhinos and hippos? I don't even know. It's fucking early.

Speaker 2 Rhinos and hippos are the cunts of elephants. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Little short motherfuckers. They didn't get the long nose, right?

Speaker 2 Just one of those guys coming out playing pickup hockey or pickup hoop and just taking it way too seriously. And you just...

Speaker 2 instinctively try to stay away from them before they blow your fucking knee out.

Speaker 2 Ever watch one of those animal videos when like the hippo is like chasing after the boat?

Speaker 2 Going under the water, coming out of the water, coming under the water, coming out of the water. It's like, how the fuck is it producing that speed?

Speaker 2 It's a tub of shit. It's got a giant fucking head.
It's not aerodynamic whatsoever. And it's got those little short legs.

Speaker 2 I think it's doing the butterfly. It's definitely not doggy paddling.
When it gets going,

Speaker 2 it's got to be doing the butterfly.

Speaker 2 It's got to be front legs forward, you know, and then both legs at the same time and then thrusting back.

Speaker 2 Like a hippo's like that fat kid at the pool who always goes into the pool with his shirt on, right?

Speaker 2 The fat kid and the fucking redhead, like me. I don't know why I never thought to do that.
I would just take the fucking sunburn.

Speaker 1 It's going to turn into color later, is it, Bill?

Speaker 2 That or skin cancer.

Speaker 2 Anyways, how about those New England Patriots?

Speaker 2 Number one offense and the lowest rated defense. I don't know about you guys, but I think that spells success in January.

Speaker 2 I'd have to look at the numbers and see how

Speaker 2 just see how they've been doing over

Speaker 2 the last few weeks if they've been letting up. less points.

Speaker 2 You know, like, God knows we got the shit kicked out of us. Not even, it was just the final quarter and a half.
We got the shit kicked out of us by the Kansas City Chiefs. Okay?

Speaker 2 And everyone was going like, holy shit, Brady is old. Here comes Kansas City.

Speaker 2 And now look what happened. Kansas City just lost to the fucking

Speaker 2 New York Giants.

Speaker 2 The lowly New York Giants. Whoever thought you would say that?

Speaker 2 All right, Patriot schedule results. Yeah, 2014, that's what I want to fucking see.
2017.

Speaker 2 Dude, what in God's name is going on?

Speaker 2 What the hell scores are these?

Speaker 2 All right, here we go. What the hell's going on with Kansas City? Like, how many fucking times can you do this to your fan base?

Speaker 2 How many times can you get these fucking people excited only to turn around and just shit the bed? I don't understand it. All right, preseason, preseason, preseason.

Speaker 2 All right, we gave up 42 points to the Jets.

Speaker 2 Then we gave up 20 points to the Saints, 33 to the Texans, 33 to the Panthers, 14 to the Buccaneers, 17 to the Jets, 7 to the Falcons, 13 to the Chargers. All right, we're doing all right here.

Speaker 2 16 to the Broncos, but they stink.

Speaker 2 And 8 to the Raiders. All right, I think we're all right then.
I thought I overheard that stat yesterday that we were last in team defense.

Speaker 2 It's nice to actually see us get pressure on the quarterback.

Speaker 2 I felt bad for Derek Carr, though. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 I don't know if the Raiders have been dropping as many passes as Tony Romo was suggesting, but how great is Tony Romo in the broadcast booth?

Speaker 2 The guy knows the game, and he's not afraid to shit on people.

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 2 I feel like he's doing everything that people think Chris Collinsworth is doing. And Chris Collinsworth, I thought, was always fair.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you right now, the Patriots are just not getting it done on defense. Like, I always felt

Speaker 2 as much as it was annoying to hear, like, I know Chris. I'm watching the game.
He can't get mad because the guy's right.

Speaker 2 On the other hand, Tony Romo just takes shots at guys. It's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 Like, when they were sitting there saying how Tom Brady is the only player to ever throw a touchdown pass in three different countries,

Speaker 2 being the United States of America,

Speaker 2 England,

Speaker 2 and now Mexico. So Tony Romo goes, yeah, you know what that means? He's a great quarterback, and he's really old.

Speaker 2 And you know what I loved about that? It was funny listening to somebody make fun of Tom Brady.

Speaker 2 And then it was also funny knowing that you could just hear Tony Romo bitching to his girlfriend about how much attention fucking Tom Brady was getting. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 As he was trying to be a Dallas Cowboy quarterback, which God knows, you know, there's no fucking,

Speaker 2 I don't know,

Speaker 2 whatever, whatever, no good deed goes unpunished when you're a quarterback for that team.

Speaker 2 Forget the fact that Tony Romo had like 11 quarterback coaches in like 10 seasons or whatever, however long he was there.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 I bet he was just going like, oh, you know, every fucking thing I do in this fucking one-horse goddamn town that thinks they're this giant city

Speaker 2 just gets scrutinized. Oh, but Tom Brady, oh, he's so fucking good looking.

Speaker 7 Hey, I'm just as good looking as that guy, right?

Speaker 2 You know, he's thinking all of that shit.

Speaker 2 So it's fun listening to shit on people. I thought it was funny when he made fun of

Speaker 2 Deion Sanders.

Speaker 2 And then Deion Sanders, who was so above the conversation, took the time to shit on him back.

Speaker 2 I enjoy all of that.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 hey, by the way, how great were the Mexican fans, by the way? You know, I know a lot of Americans flew down there. Well, I guess we're all Americans, right? We're all part of North America.

Speaker 2 All people from the United States of the Americas. flew down for those games, but um

Speaker 2 and the Raiders are the perfect team down there. If I wasn't mistaken, I thought I I heard the Patriots getting booed down there, which made me feel great.

Speaker 2 Nice to know we get respect down there, too.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I don't know. I thought it was a great game.
I am a little concerned, though, considering we lost Andrews, our center, and then we Nick, not Nick Cannon, Marcus Cannon is out.

Speaker 2 And then the backup to Marcus Cannon also has gone down. So I don't know who the fuck we play next week, but

Speaker 7 I tell you right now, these Patriots, their offensive line, better get healthy, or that's going to spell nothing but trouble come January.

Speaker 7 Hang on. Is my daughter still?

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, I think I'm waking her up.

Speaker 2 She's still downstairs making noise. I got to talk even quieter.
I'm sorry. I'll turn up the volume.
I'll turn everything up. There we go.

Speaker 2 Why don't you use the volume, Bill, to your fucking advantage? All right, I'm going to whisper.

Speaker 2 For the rest of this, I swear to God. The first whispered podcast ever.
I'm not going to do that to you.

Speaker 2 Alright?

Speaker 2 I would never do that to you.

Speaker 2 Alright, let's talk about some more bullshit. I watched my first Bruins game in

Speaker 2 a half of two Celtics games for the first time this year.

Speaker 2 First of all, who are these 2017, 2018 Boston Celtics? I barely recognized anybody's face. But all I can tell you this, is we're fucking young as shit.

Speaker 2 Okay? We got Jason Tatum. this kid's like fucking 20 years old we got Brown who I think they were saying is 20 years old that's in our start in our starting five

Speaker 2 we got Al Horford you know he's like the Zidane O'Chara of the team we got Marcus Smart he's still on the team and I don't know who the fuck else we got some other guy on there

Speaker 2 And all I know is we beat the Golden State fucking Warriors.

Speaker 2 And they barely scored any points against us.

Speaker 2 I forget what the final score was, but like both teams were in the fucking 80s.

Speaker 2 Anyways, all I know, if it was under 100, we made the Warriors play our game.

Speaker 2 And we slowed it down.

Speaker 2 Okay? And God knows if you can beat the Golden State Warriors in November, what's going to happen come January.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you right now, the Celtics won one game against the Warriors. Does this mean they're going to sweep them in a seven-game series? They're going to start doing that shit.

Speaker 2 I obviously think the Warriors are still too strong.

Speaker 2 I think we have a better head coach than Brad Stevens.

Speaker 2 But I also think we still have to get past LeBron James and the Cavaliers first.

Speaker 2 I just said I forget who the other guy was. It's the guy from the fucking trade there with the plastic mask, Kyrie Irving.

Speaker 2 I'm very excited to watch them. I watched my first Bruins game in this year and I watched the stinkeroo against the fucking Anaheim Mighty Ducks.
I think we beat the Kings the next night.

Speaker 2 And I missed the game against the San Jose Sharks, but I think Brad Marchon is coming back. But

Speaker 2 we're pretty banged up right now.

Speaker 2 Whatever. It's good to be banged up this time of year rather than

Speaker 2 the end of the year because that's when you play for the trophy.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I'm listening.

Speaker 2 I think she went back to sleep. Alright, cool.
Jesus Christ, how much quieter can you fucking talk?

Speaker 2 These damn kids, I swear to God, they spoiled brats. They spoiled brats.
Dude, what the fuck is going on with the Kansas City Chiefs?

Speaker 2 I don't get these guys.

Speaker 2 I just don't get it. Now the Saints are coming on, but when the Saints come marching in, they got fucking Drew Brees and they have a running game.

Speaker 2 I actually fucking looked up yesterday.

Speaker 2 My daughter fell asleep on my chest, right? And it's just like, all right, rookie move.

Speaker 2 Rookie move. I should have had her fall asleep on the bed, and then I could have got up and got on with my life for fucking 50 to 90 minutes.
So she's sleeping on my chest.

Speaker 2 And I'm just like, well, how do I

Speaker 2 make this time productive? And I realized on inside the NFL how little I know about the players in the league. I mean, I was already working too hard on F is for Family.
Now I got the kid.

Speaker 2 I barely know anybody. So I started looking up the starting quarterbacks of every team, trying to see how many I could name.

Speaker 2 All right, so here we go. I swear to God, I don't have them in front of me.
I'm going to try to remember as many as I can.

Speaker 2 Okay, Tom Brady, the greatest of all time, up there in New England, playing in Foxborough. And you got Tyrod Taylor in Buffalo.
I don't give a fuck who his backup is.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to waste my time memorizing a backup's fucking name. Alright?

Speaker 2 Until they do something, until they win the fucking job.

Speaker 2 The Jets have Josh McCown, Eli Manning, the Patriot Killer. The Eagles got Carson Wentz.

Speaker 2 And then the alias, Joe Flacco. The name you give to the cops.

Speaker 2 What's your name? Joe.

Speaker 2 Joe what? Joe Flacco.

Speaker 2 Oh, then who the fuck do the Redskins have? You like that.

Speaker 2 You like that.

Speaker 2 Whatever his fucking name is. There's like 20 Carsons, I feel.
He's another guy with a C-name. It's not Cunt.

Speaker 2 Cam Newton.

Speaker 2 Then

Speaker 2 Jacksonville has Blake

Speaker 2 Bortles.

Speaker 2 Jameson Winston in Tampa Bay. and then

Speaker 2 Jay Cutler,

Speaker 2 Maddie Ice in Atlanta, Drew Brees

Speaker 2 at the Saints, Marcus Meriwether.

Speaker 2 Is it fucking

Speaker 2 the Titans? I couldn't name any of these. I just fucking tried.
I'm trying to test my fucking brain here. Alright, then you go to the Bengals.
You got the fucking

Speaker 2 redhead there.

Speaker 2 All right, the giant Ginger Andy Dalton

Speaker 2 with with the fucking hipster haircut

Speaker 2 mocking my hairline.

Speaker 2 And then the Browns, one of the great names of all sports, have

Speaker 2 Deshaun Kaiser.

Speaker 2 I love that name.

Speaker 2 Is he a black guy?

Speaker 2 Is he fucking celebrating Hitler's birthday? You don't know. I don't know.
Kaiser just sounds like a fucking German officer to me. I don't know why.
All right.

Speaker 2 Then what do you got? You got that guy out there

Speaker 2 on the Lions. What the fuck's his name? Tommy Hilfiger.
I don't know why that name just popped in my head.

Speaker 2 Come on, this one got one of the best. Eric Hippel.

Speaker 2 The fuck do they have?

Speaker 2 I just went blank on his name. Andrew Luck

Speaker 2 is with Indianapolis. I know they got that dude from NC State

Speaker 2 backing him up. Aaron Rodgers, I know he's hurt.
My ribs still feel why he's hurt.

Speaker 2 I don't know who the Vikings have.

Speaker 2 The Bears have some guy, Mitchell fucking

Speaker 2 Trubisky or some fucking thing. Alex Smith,

Speaker 2 Zach Prescott, the fucking

Speaker 2 Texans, who the fuck do they got? I know there's some fantasy football people just rattling on. They got that kid from Clemson who got hurt.

Speaker 2 And then Denver, I always forget that guy's name.

Speaker 2 Some regular name, and his last name is like fucking oscillation or some shit. I don't know who the fucking Cardinals have.
The L.A. Rams have

Speaker 2 the fuck is his name?

Speaker 2 Jared Goff.

Speaker 2 Philip Rivers. Derek Carr.
And then this one killed me. CJ

Speaker 2 Beat Hard.

Speaker 2 Jack Off.

Speaker 2 Murder Your Meat, whatever his fucking last name is, and then you got Russell Wilson. See, that's not bad.
That wasn't bad. Now ask me to name all the receivers.
I can't name anybody.

Speaker 2 That's what I knew. I realized when I was inside the NFL that I'm going to bore you guys to death trying to fucking get caught back up.
You know what? Fuck me over?

Speaker 2 When I stop collecting football cards, I'd love to get back into it, but they won't just let you buy a whole set.

Speaker 2 You know, at least they wouldn't last time I tried to collect like 10 years ago. I think I'm going to have to give in and start playing fantasy football

Speaker 2 or I'm just not going to know anybody.

Speaker 2 All right, I need to just promote some things here.

Speaker 2 I'm doing a benefit tonight at the Laugh Factory in Long Beach. If you want to come down and watch me do a headlining set in a wonderful comedy club and watch all of the money

Speaker 2 go to the victims of the hurricane out there in Puerto Rico

Speaker 2 Please come down. There's some tickets left.
All right.

Speaker 2 That club has not been doing the greatest job promoting this fucking show. Alright, so please come down.
I'll do a meet and greet afterwards. I'll shake your hand.

Speaker 2 I'll sign your fucking tits, whatever the hell you want me to do.

Speaker 2 But I'll ask you first before I sign your tits, before I get in trouble.

Speaker 2 Oh, also, Jesus Christ. Oh, All Things Comedy.
We got our new website up, redesigned it, and all that type of stuff. I couldn't find the TV shows that we've made yet.

Speaker 2 Those things should be coming up soon, too. So please check that out.

Speaker 2 Allthingscomedy.com. And

Speaker 2 now for some sad news.

Speaker 2 Not even sad, just an amazing life. Malcolm Young of ACDC passed away.
And all the football I watched yesterday in the NFL, I was a little perturbed.

Speaker 2 I was a little annoyed that there wasn't any sort of tribute to Malcolm Young, considering

Speaker 2 he's arguably the greatest rock and roll rhythm guitarist of all time.

Speaker 2 He's written so many classic riffs.

Speaker 2 All of those ACDC albums, and there's like four or five that are just absolute masterpieces.

Speaker 2 They're all great, but he has five fucking masterpieces. All right? As much as I love Pink Floyd, as much as I love Led Zeppelin, I mean, they're right there with him.

Speaker 2 Masterpiece. Highway to Hell, masterpiece.
Back and black, masterpiece.

Speaker 2 Let the Be Rock, rock masterpiece

Speaker 2 power age masterpiece flick of the switch masterpiece all right and if you don't fucking think they are it's because you're not you don't know what you don't you don't know what the fuck you're talking about

Speaker 2 I even like for those about to rock everybody was all fucking like this isn't as good as back and black I shut the fuck up

Speaker 2 Anyways, I would have thought the NFL would have done something. For how many years have they been playing Hell's Bells

Speaker 2 and and Thunderstruck and all that, getting their stadiums all amped up? And how many years did his band,

Speaker 2 you know, then come back on tour and sell out those same football stadiums? How much money has the NFL,

Speaker 2 you know, that's a great partnership there, made off of that band.

Speaker 2 And during the offseason, when they try to have soccer in their stadiums and the fucking place is half full, who comes in to save the day? Fucking Malcolm Young with his band ACDC

Speaker 2 and some of the greatest riffs of all fucking time.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 I was lucky enough to see him.

Speaker 2 How many times did I see him? I think I saw him three times.

Speaker 2 I saw him in 86 on the Who Made Who tour.

Speaker 2 On the Heat Seeker tour, I saw his nephew who's now in the band.

Speaker 2 Then I saw them,

Speaker 2 oh, I think I only saw him twice. Then I saw him on Black Ice.
I've seen ACDC three times. Then I saw him on the Black Ice tour.
That was the last time I saw him. And he's just the coolest, greatest.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Rock and roll rhythm guitarist of all time.

Speaker 2 Just the way they build a song. I was listening to Live Wire.

Speaker 2 You know, only he could just make those chords sound so fucking evil.

Speaker 2 And the way he builds them, it still gives me chills. TNT.

Speaker 2 I don't know. There's just too many.
Overdose. The way that song builds.
I know everybody knows the classics.

Speaker 2 Gone shooting. The whole second side of Power Ridge.
Down payment blues. All of that stuff.
It's just absolute giant.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I thought, did Google do a tribute to him? I mean, that's the level of guy that passed away here.

Speaker 2 But anyways.

Speaker 2 Thanks to him and his genius and that unbelievable. That was my band growing up.
I was actually actually laughing listening to all the music.

Speaker 2 I wasn't really even like sad that he was gone because I think he lived like such an amazing life.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I was just thinking of all the fucking classes that I flunked in high school and how depressed I was and how stupid I thought I was. And then I would just go out and I would fucking

Speaker 2 get in my piece of shit truck. And I would turn it on and pop in that cassette.

Speaker 2 And then I would just go into fantasy world that I was in their band and knew how to play guitar, and then I would instantly be in a good mood again.

Speaker 2 And I used to always sing on multiple choice tests that I knew I was flunking.

Speaker 2 And I was just guessing, and I was running out of time that Bond Scott lyric.

Speaker 2 I don't even remember what song it's from, that Take a Chance While You Still Got the Choice, Rock and Roll Damn Nation. That song would be playing in a loop

Speaker 2 as I was guessing.

Speaker 2 I forget what I got on my SATs, but I got like a 300-something combined.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to tell you, I tried. I took a prep course.

Speaker 2 I did everything. And I just fucking shit the bet on it.

Speaker 2 And I'd love to tell you people that had a major effect on my life, but it didn't.

Speaker 2 Anyways, let's read some. So rest in peace, Malcolm Young.

Speaker 2 There's never going to be another one like you.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 I always thought Malcolm Young and Phil Rudd were the two coolest guys in the band.

Speaker 2 That was it right there. Those two fucking guys.

Speaker 2 Malcolm and Phil Rudd sitting there with the cigarette dangling out of his mouth, just fucking crushing it.

Speaker 2 I think even Billy Joel said, you know, that was the greatest live band he's ever seen.

Speaker 2 Speaking Speaking of which, does anybody hear the Howard Stern interview with

Speaker 2 Billy Joel?

Speaker 2 Jesus, fucking amazing. What a talent.
There's a guy I have to go see live. I can't believe I've never seen that guy live.
I was such a douche in the 80s.

Speaker 2 If you didn't have a guitar, I just thought you were the biggest pussy ever. I fucking watched this guy playing his piano.

Speaker 2 Did your parents pay for the fucking your recital?

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, he's this total badass. I never understood, this is such a bad thing to say, but I never realized how talented and what a badass

Speaker 2 Billy Joel was. I honestly didn't really even pay attention to the guy until he started getting hammered, driving his car into the fucking fronts of people's houses.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 I remember when he was singing like Uptown Girl and all that type of shit.

Speaker 2 Well, that wasn't Uptown Girl. What was that song where...

Speaker 2 One of those songs. Where he was singing like, you you know, he was in love with this girl across the tracks, like he was this badass guy.

Speaker 2 And it's just like, dude, you're this little Jewish guy playing fucking piano.

Speaker 2 That's about as safe as it gets. You're a model citizen.

Speaker 2 That's what I thought. I didn't realize.
And he starts getting hammered, driving his car into people's houses, and this is just trying to sit down and eat dinner.

Speaker 3 And I was like, oh, you know what?

Speaker 2 I guess he is from the other side of the tracks. Gotta love a booze, huh? All right.
Speaking of which, I'm 95 miserable days in.

Speaker 2 And I was hanging out with these two alcoholics this fucking weekend who are now clean. And they were both sitting there going, yeah, you know, I don't miss it.
I don't miss it.

Speaker 2 I was just like, oh, yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 I do.

Speaker 2 All right, that's it. Okay, let's get into the questions here for this week.
I really apologize for the fucking whispering, but what do you want from me? All right. Malcolm, everybody.

Speaker 2 Bill, if you read this, please refer to me as Steve.

Speaker 2 Okay, Steve reads, I don't don't know why I'll never understand why my friends gave me such a hard time for attending the ACDC show in Madison Wisconsin in 2001 being a high school sophomore ACDC with a shit as far as I was concerned but at the same time I didn't give a shit about top 40 and let my classmates know they had shit taste ACDC never let up the most hard-working band of the last 30 years they never let down their fans

Speaker 2 I just queued up If You Want Blood. Oh, what a fucking song that is.
The drums are insane and that perfect fucking drumbeat. Everything is just a shit.
He said, there's nothing better.

Speaker 2 Oh, unless you're talking about the live album. It's another amazing thing.
When I actually went to Glasgow, Scotland, I looked up the theater because I wanted to go in there where they recorded that.

Speaker 2 Thing doesn't exist anymore. Anyways, wanted to keep this short.
Hope you're well, you freckled cunt.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I don't know what you didn't really ask a question, but I share your opinions on ACDC and I've already talked about that.

Speaker 2 Shit.

Speaker 2 All right. All right.
Front flipping robot. I actually saw that.
Hey there, Billy2000.

Speaker 2 Did you see the video of the extremely agile robot that was going around last week? Yeah, it was kind of looked like a white dude doing flips, okay?

Speaker 2 Man, Bill, this thing is legit. It's the first robot machine that I've ever seen where I thought I cannot disarm this.
Oh yeah, it's total robo cop.

Speaker 2 Even with the extreme flames or large amount of water,

Speaker 2 I think it could kill me first. You're right about all this robot shit.
No one is going to be scared enough to stop this.

Speaker 2 Also, if we didn't make robots that could fight, wouldn't we just be sending our guys into

Speaker 2 wait. Also, if we didn't make robots that could fight, wouldn't we just be sending our guys in to fight Russian or Chinese robots? Now you just went the exact opposite way.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is how human beings, we

Speaker 2 out of fear and just

Speaker 2 the seduction of power, we just keep making these fucking things.

Speaker 2 It would be great if somehow we could all just get on the same page.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 So we wouldn't do this type of shit to each other because this is, yeah, it's not good. It's not going to fucking end.
Well,

Speaker 2 it really isn't, but we're never going to get on the same page. So, I've just, you know what I do? I just sort of give into the fact that we're doomed to destroy ourselves.
All right.

Speaker 2 And I have to think a robot death has to be a quick death. I would like to think that the Illuminati, who is making these things,

Speaker 2 to replace all of us.

Speaker 2 Because they totally fit the bill for everything the Illuminati wants, which is basically slaves.

Speaker 2 Do what we say, do whatever we say, whenever we say it.

Speaker 2 And what have we said for years? Like assholes. We like, what are we? Fucking robots?

Speaker 2 And what did the Illuminati do?

Speaker 2 Robots. Hmm.

Speaker 2 And they went out and they made the fucking things.

Speaker 2 I just want to talk to all the nerds out there. And everybody who thinks these nerds are harmless.

Speaker 2 These are fucking fucking egghead nerds who are so fucking smart smart that they are going to destroy us because they are listening to the fucking sociopaths of society, the people who are in power.

Speaker 2 And they go out and they make these fucking things for them. You stupid nerd fucking cunts.

Speaker 2 I mean, what do you do if you're held captive by a robot?

Speaker 2 You just have to wait till the thing powers down and just hope you can find a screwdriver and just start unscrewing shit and just fucking ripping out wires.

Speaker 2 But you know what they're going to do? They're going to make these robots, like the ones that are designed to kill all of us.

Speaker 2 They're going to make them out of like the same material as that door on the cockpit of a plane that nobody can get into. That's what it's going to be.
Unless you have the codes, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's all scary shit.

Speaker 2 And back when I was

Speaker 2 just a fucking guy who was married and I didn't have a kid, it wasn't as scary. Because I was already thinking, like, you know what, I've had a great fucking life.
I really have.

Speaker 2 I've done all kinds of stuff. I got to

Speaker 2 make a dream come true, becoming a comedian. Everything else has been gravy.
I got a great wife.

Speaker 2 This is the kind of shit that I think that when I see robots, I'm like, you know, I've had a great life.

Speaker 2 When that thing comes in and just grabs me by the throat and just crushes my fucking windpipe,

Speaker 2 that's what I'm going to be thinking. I'm going to be thinking, this robot, as much as it's killing me right now, is never going to know joy.

Speaker 2 It's just going to know inputs.

Speaker 2 Anyways, that's what I'm going to say to the robot. Yeah, at least I know what happiness feels like.

Speaker 2 Damn, robot gets all mad. Shut the fuck up.
But if it could feel anger, then I could feel joy.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 Okay, MMP advice. A lady requests your advice on men.

Speaker 2 Okay. Hi, Bill.
How are you? I love your work, especially your specials and your MM podcast advice. I learned a lot from your advice about the male point of view.
That's really fucking...

Speaker 2 I feel like there's a lot of layers to that compliment. And I would be grateful for your insight.
All right.

Speaker 2 I don't know why you're listening to me, but okay, here we go. I have no fucking background whatsoever other than failing a lot.

Speaker 2 All right, no professional background. I am a happily married woman with a toddler baby girl.
Oh, isn't that the best? And I'm currently pregnant with another girl. You hit the lottery twice.

Speaker 2 I am writing you.

Speaker 2 I'm writing to you because by listening to you, it seems that in general, you feel that women have the upper hand in life. However, I disagree.
Well, yeah, the grass is always greener, sweetheart.

Speaker 2 That is one thing that I always, I do ask feminists. I say to them, is there any scenario?

Speaker 2 Is there even one scenario where you can think that, hey,

Speaker 2 you know, as far as men and women go, in this scenario, it's good to be a woman.

Speaker 2 They can't do that because their whole business model falls to the fucking ground. Every fucking scenario.
It's so much harder for us.

Speaker 3 Is it?

Speaker 2 Everything out there is harder for a woman, then why do you outlive us?

Speaker 2 If your life is really that much more difficult than mine, why do you outlive a man on average by like eight to fucking ten years?

Speaker 2 Let me guess, because the man is doing something wrong.

Speaker 2 Blame the victim, ladies. The exact thing you don't want done to yourself.
Do you ever think that maybe you have something to do with it?

Speaker 2 Here's a classic one. You know, when my wife leaves the house, you know what I think? I think, cool, I got the house to myself, right?

Speaker 2 When I leave the house, you know what my wife thinks? What can I now text him and tell him to go out and go get me? What can I add? He's out there having fun. Let me add a fucking errand to it.

Speaker 2 Hey, can you go to Trader Joe's? Could you just go to Trader Joe's really quickly the Saturday before Thanksgiving and wade into that fucking Black Friday food fucking

Speaker 2 mosh pit?

Speaker 2 Sorry, that was my yesterday. Anyways, I disagree.
I think men have the upper hand in general, especially when it comes to job prospects, salary, and sexual aggressions. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Here we go again.

Speaker 2 What does sexual aggressions mean? I don't even know what the fuck that means.

Speaker 2 I would agree with job prospects and salary, but I think the biggest fucking problem women have is you guys don't go out and start enough businesses. You keep coming working for men.

Speaker 2 We've been fucking you over since day one. At what point are you going to become self-sufficient? And I feel like

Speaker 2 I'm not just fucking

Speaker 2 going, I'm not like being like, do as I say, not as I do. That's what I did in this business.

Speaker 2 I am self-sufficient in this business. If this business took everything away from me, I can still be a stand-up comedian and do my podcast.
I'm completely self-employed.

Speaker 2 Those two things me the most amount of money.

Speaker 2 And I can easily live off either of those.

Speaker 2 I got a TV show. I have a cartoon called Efforts for Family, but I was never dumb enough to be like, well, I got a TV show now and quit stand-up comedy like I saw so many comedians do.

Speaker 2 Because eventually your show goes off the air and those fucking residual checks dwindle down to like, you know,

Speaker 2 I get residual checks routinely for like under three dollars

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 2 um i'm trying to say this to empower you but you know quit your fucking whining all right there's all these studies out there that clearly show that women are smarter than men so if you're smarter than us then you can build a better mousetrap so get together with some of your smart lady friends and start a fucking business but for the love of god quit your fucking whining

Speaker 2 everybody out there is eating a giant shit sandwich now Now, granted, there might be less shit in my sandwich than yours, but make no mistake, it's still a shit sandwich.

Speaker 2 All right?

Speaker 2 But there's nothing stopping you from picking out the bread.

Speaker 2 Because when you do start your own business,

Speaker 2 you're going to work more than you ever worked.

Speaker 2 That whole thing where it's like, I will start my business and then I will delegate, and it will run on its own, and I'll sit on a fucking yacht, yeah, and they will rob you blind.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 sexual aggressions.

Speaker 2 All right, but I think you guys make up more than make up for sexual aggressions, whatever the fuck that means.

Speaker 2 Is that sexual assault? Are we talking about we're the ones who have to have an opening line?

Speaker 2 I think you guys more than make it up with divorce court aggressions.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 and your whole fucking thing where you know I wish that women could just beat the shit out of guys instead of just trying taking every fucking because an ass kicking it's like

Speaker 2 you know a week of Epsom salt you go to the dentist you can put it behind you

Speaker 2 all right but when a woman kicks you kicks your ass and just they you know they just take everything

Speaker 2 Everything. The house, the kids, your guitar collection, your car, whatever the fuck you collect that you love, they're going to to make you sell that.

Speaker 2 Not even because they need the fucking money, just because they know it's going to put another fucking hole in your heart.

Speaker 2 All right?

Speaker 2 So there you go. So here we go.
I'm going to fucking play my little violin as I listen to the rest of this. I agree with George Carlin, my hero, when he said 99%

Speaker 2 of all the truly horrifying shit going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated, enabled, or continued by men.

Speaker 2 Yeah, absolutely, but that's only because women haven't been given an opportunity to show how fucking out of their minds they are. I gotta be honest with you.

Speaker 2 I don't understand why to compliment a woman, you have to trash men.

Speaker 2 Anyways, he says, and in the course of life, compared with men, women have far more to put up with. They bear greater burdens, extra spoonfuls of shit.

Speaker 2 Oh boy.

Speaker 2 I don't don't 100% agree with that.

Speaker 2 I also agree with Louis C.K. that men are the number one threat to women, men are the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women, and men are the worst thing that ever happens to women.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you can say that right back about women, to men.

Speaker 2 No one can fucking destroy a man's life like a woman. Look at all of these fucking powerful men

Speaker 2 who ascend the fucking mountaintop and what brings them down.

Speaker 2 Marrying the wrong fucking woman will fuck your life over worse than cancer.

Speaker 2 Anyways, I do not.

Speaker 2 I do

Speaker 2 not know any woman who has not been in some way physically and emotionally assaulted and minimalized by men.

Speaker 2 I don't know any guy out there who's dated a fucking woman and hasn't had his heart fucking stepped on.

Speaker 2 See, what you're doing here, sweetheart, is you're just looking out your own head.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 There's the yin and the yang. Okay?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I've never seen a happier woman out there than when she actually meets a great man and vice versa.

Speaker 2 There's a positive way to look at this.

Speaker 2 And in this age where they're just constantly trashing men and where you can just hashtag white male trash, which is you're combining racism and sexism and you're being called a fucking hero about it.

Speaker 2 I don't get it. Unless you're just going to fight fire with fire.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 So, anyways, I would like to teach my daughters to defend themselves from physical aggression and belittling comments from men. Now, this I agree with.
Yeah, it's called fucking MMA.

Speaker 2 Get your kid involved in mixed martial arts, get your kid involved in sports.

Speaker 2 Big believer in that.

Speaker 2 However, I do not do not want to make them biased against men as I want to raise confident, polite women who view men as their equal, but know when to defend themselves when necessary.

Speaker 2 Well, I got to be honest with you. If you look at the millennial generation, they've turned Manhattan into bed bath and beyond.
The vibe.

Speaker 2 I mean, older generations literally turned it into a giant bed bath and beyond, but like.

Speaker 2 I mean, I never thought I'd say this, but I feel like the stand-up scene is better in L.A. than it is in New York.
Just as far as the groan factor. I get way more groans in New York City.
It's unreal.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 you had a daughter recently, and I would love to know your opinion on what you will say to your daughter about defending themselves without making them psychotic or biased against men.

Speaker 2 Because of the news...

Speaker 2 The me-too movement, the wage gap, and my own personal experiences, unfortunately, I find myself more and more more enraged with the opposite sex.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's because you're just being inundated with these fucking images. It's also why you probably think everybody in the Middle East is a fucking terrorist, because that's all they're showing.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Social media is a massive failure. And there's all these studies coming out now that show that it actually

Speaker 2 makes you angry, it makes you depressed. It's not a good thing.

Speaker 2 Anyways, and I certainly do not want to pass that on to my daughter under any circumstances.

Speaker 2 I have talked to my husband a little bit about this, but I do not want to tell him the extent of my disappointment in the male species because I plan to stay with them for the rest of my life.

Speaker 2 I would love to know your opinion and especially your defense of men so that I have a different point of view and a more balanced opinion of men that I can pass on to my daughter when I grow up.

Speaker 2 Thank you very much. P.S.
I am from Spain and I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors as my English is not my native language.

Speaker 2 Well, first of all,

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 2 the way that you wrote all of this and just sitting there, you didn't say one good fucking thing that men do.

Speaker 2 And even trashing men to the level that you do, you're still playing the victim here. And I have to sit here and do some tap dance.

Speaker 2 For you to try to figure out why your fucking life is actually also great because of men. go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 It's not my job to not make you a sexist cunt.

Speaker 1 All right?

Speaker 2 I get it. You hate men.

Speaker 2 What am I going to do? Evidently you don't like central air conditioning,

Speaker 2 heat, all modes of transportation, modern medicine.

Speaker 2 Fucking some of the greatest music ever produced. I mean, we have done some good things out there.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, a couple of flashes and a few thousand fucking wars, and all of a sudden, all your good deeds are just gone. I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 2 All I can tell you is, I feel bad for your daughter, and I feel really bad for your husband.

Speaker 2 That you basically don't like men.

Speaker 2 I gotta be honest with you, as much as I trash women,

Speaker 2 I realize that most of my shit is fear-based.

Speaker 2 Because I grew up with a bunch of men that feared women.

Speaker 2 And then I also got into this business where most of us get divorced.

Speaker 2 And I watched

Speaker 2 so much shit go down

Speaker 2 that is really fucked up. And it's just everybody just looks the other way.

Speaker 2 But having said that, the older I get,

Speaker 2 the more I realize

Speaker 2 how wrong I was about women.

Speaker 2 Having said that now, I'm not walking down the street not having my guard up either.

Speaker 2 You know, I am a big believer is you should let, if you're a nice person, if you're a good person, you have to let people earn the fact that you're a nice person. You just don't give that away.

Speaker 2 Because when you're a really nice person who's open-minded, you become a psycho magnet.

Speaker 2 And some of the worst people ever are really going to come into your life because they need someone who's nice and as forgiving

Speaker 2 because everybody else is not going to put up with their bullshit.

Speaker 2 But a lot of shit that I've said about women has been 100%

Speaker 2 in the wrong.

Speaker 2 And I understand that. So

Speaker 2 I don't know. You kind of sound like where I was at about 10 years ago with the opposite sex.
And you're also kind of making yourself out to be a hero.

Speaker 2 I Don't know

Speaker 2 I Don't know when I see guys on stage Trashing men like that. I always just think they're just trying to get laid

Speaker 2 You know what I mean

Speaker 2 This whole fucking thing that oh man down there is man down there. Yeah, they have we also done a lot of great things too

Speaker 2 We also have done a lot of great fucking things too, okay? And at the end of the day, to always be talking about women as victims and in these victim positions is not empowering to women.

Speaker 2 All right?

Speaker 2 To just sit around and just say, all of my problems are because of a male-dominated society. Like, where is that going to get?

Speaker 2 And then your solution is to just bitch about men and then hashtag white male trash.

Speaker 2 As white male trash here, I can tell you, we're not having any meetings concerned about any of that shit.

Speaker 2 You're just fucking talking to other women that believe the same way you do, okay?

Speaker 2 In life, if you want to get out of your situation, you have to fucking take control of it. All right? If you don't like working for men, start your own thing.

Speaker 2 All right? I don't like working for other people. That's why I do this, and this is why I do stand-up, and will continue to do that.

Speaker 2 So you always have to have that ability to be like, well, that's the deal you're offering me. Yeah, I don't want it.
Go fuck yourself. And you walk away.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 what would you do for your daughter? I would, first of all, I would not give her probably 90% of your negative opinions on men because she'll become a man-hater.

Speaker 2 But it's your kid if that's what you want. And I would.

Speaker 2 I don't know. If I was running shit, I would secretly teach every woman out there mixed martial arts.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 then that Israeli fucking martial arts shit where you disarm people that have weapons.

Speaker 2 You know, that thing where they got a gun in your face and you do that little flat move, and all of a sudden you're holding the gun pointing it at them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that type of shit.

Speaker 2 I would also tell your daughter to never go back to a hotel room with a guy, ever.

Speaker 2 Ever.

Speaker 2 Ever. Guys do not want to talk to you.
If guys want to talk, they go hang out with the fellas. Okay? They're trying to fuck you.
That's it. And hey, let's go back to the hotel room, just talk.

Speaker 2 That's just part of him trying to get you back there.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I feel bad for your husband.
That's all I can tell you, because I just inserted myself into that thing. It's just like, oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You know, you didn't say one positive thing about men. And you just wrote a giant fucking, there wasn't one positive thing thing in there and uh

Speaker 2 and the worst thing about where we're at right now as human beings is you would be complimented on that and you would be called strong

Speaker 2 and that's the direction that we're headed in um

Speaker 2 you know and you know what i don't dictate it so

Speaker 2 i don't know i guess mix martial arts and i teach her how to run a business And along the way, you know, if you don't know how to do that, I would learn that too, so you don't have to work for men.

Speaker 2 For the record, men treat other men like shit too, by the way. And that whole feminist fucking idea that if a guy's a dick, that he gets respect,

Speaker 2 like,

Speaker 2 is the stupidest thing ever. No one likes a dick.
No one wants to work for a dick, and everybody secretly hopes the guy crashes on the fucking way home. Hey, you know what I loved about my boss?

Speaker 2 He treated me like shit, and I don't know why. I just really respected him.
Nobody likes being treated like shit.

Speaker 2 That is something a woman made up because it fit their fucking argument, and everybody ran with it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if you're acting like an asshole, you're an asshole. All right, Joe Rogan is going to get you killed.
The fuck is this?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Bill Burr, on the podcast 11-16-17, you said, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I can eat this much meat. Oh, God, here we go.

Speaker 2 Here's another fucking nutritionist with no fucking background whatsoever.

Speaker 2 He's now going to tell me everything that I watch is now bullshit, right? Is that where this is going? Okay, because you can't.

Speaker 2 Bill,

Speaker 2 I know you love your buddy Joe Rogan. However, your buddy, the self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist, so am I,

Speaker 2 is dead wrong about nutrition. All that meat and animal-saturated facts will line your arteries with disease-laden plaque.
Do not eat this stuff in abundance. Minimize it.

Speaker 2 Forget the notion of moderation, too. That's all horseshit.
This is this right here. I'm telling you, they're like religious nuts.

Speaker 2 All of it is horseshit. Explain the French then

Speaker 2 and their rich diet and their lack of fucking heart disease over there.

Speaker 2 Listen, there's elements of truth in everything. And the second you're going to sit there and tell me that your diet is the diet,

Speaker 1 I don't know, it's all horseshit.

Speaker 2 The bulk of your calories should be from beans, peas, and legumes, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds, and whole grains.

Speaker 2 Crush waters and eat your salads as per usual, of course, but add walnuts, pumpkin seeds, blueberries, mushrooms, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and greens to your daily routine, as well as countless other whole foods of your choice.

Speaker 2 Minimalize all oils, processed foods. Who doesn't know about processed foods? Meats, dairy, and eggs.
I don't care care where the fuck they come from.

Speaker 2 Like Rogan's elk from the mountains of gods or wherever the fuck he hunts.

Speaker 2 Go to nutritionfacts.org. Now, did you vet nutritionfacts.org? Do you know where this came from?

Speaker 2 For all published nutritional science in all the esteemed peer-reviewed worldwide

Speaker 2 reviewed worldwide medical journals and science papers. Yeah, buddy, they have blood money behind them.

Speaker 2 Okay? I'm not saying it's all bullshit, but there is an element of bullshit in there. The food industry

Speaker 2 fucking lines those people's pockets. He said, forget the nonsense from the media advertising and these pseudoscience-pushing fruitcakes like Rogan.
I know

Speaker 2 he means well, but he's wrong.

Speaker 2 Look at the works of Dr. Joel

Speaker 2 Furman, Dr. Michael Greger, Dr.
John McDougal, Dr. Dean Ornish, Dr.
Codwell.

Speaker 2 I can't even read this guy's name. Eliston and others.
Just looking out for your buddy. Hey,

Speaker 2 tell you what. Thanks for looking out for me.
I'm going to do what the fuck I've been doing anyways because I have low blood pressure.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 I'm doing fine and I'm keeping the weight off. All right.
I'm not going to just sit there eating two handfuls of fucking bacon.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 But, you know, and I'm also not going to just eat a plant-based diet. I'm not doing that.
I'm gonna continue to do what the fuck I'm doing because it's working for me.

Speaker 2 And with all due respect, sir, at no point there did you say you were any sort of nutritionist. You just read a bunch of shit that made sense to you.
Alright? And then you also went to

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 2 you went to like the mainstream fucking thing. And that mainstream thing has a bunch of money behind it.

Speaker 2 Okay? From people in the food fucking industry that want to sell the food that they grow. So, that place is

Speaker 2 also naturally perverted or corrupt. I'm not saying it's all bullshit, but there is an element of bullshit.
Would you not agree in that?

Speaker 2 There's elements of bullshit in every fucking thing, including this goddamn podcast. So, don't listen to me either.
All right, here's the last one: here: accidentally killed girlfriend's cat.

Speaker 2 Don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 Billy Chode. That's something I never found funny, that word chode.

Speaker 2 There's like a certain portion of like part of the country that thinks that that's a funny fucking word, which I believe is like a short fat dick.

Speaker 2 Got myself into a little bit of a moral dilemma. I'd appreciate some advice.
My girlfriend of

Speaker 2 seven months has an outdoor cat. who was really smart and could always find her way back home.
Anyways, you can probably see where this is going. Where I can see where it's going in the title.

Speaker 2 He said, you accidentally killed your girlfriend's cat.

Speaker 2 I'm driving to her place less than a block away, not really watching the road. And I hit the fucking thing.
Died on impact, practically in two pieces. Hey, that's all we can all pray for, huh?

Speaker 2 A quick death. I hit the fucking thing.
All right.

Speaker 2 But my

Speaker 2 girl had this cat for some four years and has a serious emotional attachment. I'm not trying to be the asshole asshole who killed her cat.
So I had a couple of sturdy plastic bags in my car,

Speaker 2 a towel and a water bottle. Sounds like it just came from the gym in a 7-Eleven.
And without getting into the gritty details, within 10 minutes, looked like nothing ever happened.

Speaker 2 I chucked it into a dumpster a few blocks away.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, get

Speaker 2 a car wash to be extra cautious and drive back to her place.

Speaker 2 so uh

Speaker 2 it's been two weeks and i haven't told her she's freaking posted at least 30 missing cat photos all around the neighborhood and anywhere even remotely nearby fucking crying and all of that

Speaker 2 it's messing with my conscience and our sex life there's there you go there you go you selfish bastard i feel like if she knows it's dead zo she'll be able to move on but also

Speaker 2 with me covering it up for so long, I'd be in a good bit of trouble, to say the least. Help me out here on what I should do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 The SS coming clean, that ship sailed.

Speaker 2 That ship sailed right after you cleaned up the crime scene and threw it in a fucking dumpster.

Speaker 2 Here's what you do. You don't say a fucking word.

Speaker 2 You don't say a fucking word. It's over, dude.

Speaker 2 It's over. There's no...
You let her cry for two fucking weeks and you knew that it's over.

Speaker 2 And then also you got to ask yourself, am I going to marry this person?

Speaker 2 All right?

Speaker 2 Here's the deal. If you're going to marry this person, don't ever fucking tell her.

Speaker 2 Alright?

Speaker 2 If you don't want to marry this person,

Speaker 2 you got to do a two-for-one here.

Speaker 2 All right?

Speaker 2 you have to break up with her and then also tell her that you killed her cat but not in that order you tell her that you killed her cat

Speaker 2 all right and then hopefully she'll break up with you

Speaker 2 oh wait do you open with killing her cat

Speaker 2 oh dude this this no i don't know if this is around the holidays i think you got to do it

Speaker 2 Look, if you want to stay with her, if you love her,

Speaker 2 are you going to marry this woman? If you're going to marry this woman, don't tell her you killed a cat. If you're not going to marry a woman, then you know, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I know there's a lot of people also horrified by this fucking story, but like,

Speaker 2 I mean, the cat was dead.

Speaker 2 What are you supposed to do here? I mean, he should have told her, but I mean, as far as like throwing the thing in the dumpster,

Speaker 2 I mean, if I die and somebody throws me in the dumpster, I don't give a shit. My biggest concern is how bad I'm going to smell up that parking lot.

Speaker 1 Other than that, I'm dead.

Speaker 2 Don't eat some fancy fucking box.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 I don't understand that when people die and they put them in these beautiful fucking caskets. It's like it's a piece of fruit that went bad, you know, and you're putting it on display.

Speaker 2 Throw it in the fucking trash.

Speaker 2 All right, that's disgusting. Okay, that's the end of the podcast here.

Speaker 2 Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Do your cardio.
Eat your salads.

Speaker 2 Go nuts on Thanksgiving, but hit it again right on Friday. All right? Get after it.

Speaker 2 I wish I could actually meet that woman from Spain and we could sit down and I'd talk about all my fucking women hating shit and she could talk about our guy hating shit.

Speaker 2 Maybe we could fucking find a middle ground

Speaker 2 before we both fuck up our daughters.

Speaker 2 No, I would never say anything negative about women to my daughter. I would.
All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.
Happy Turkey Day, and I'll check in on you Thanksgiving. Look at that.

Speaker 2 Not even taking a day off. All right.
I'll see you.

Speaker 6 What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast for NFL week number

Speaker 6 12.

Speaker 6 Dude, it's over every time it starts. I don't even know what's going on, but I'm your host, Paul Earth.

Speaker 4 That's your host. Say that about a lot of things.
Yeah, hey.

Speaker 6 We are here. I'm in New York.
Bill's over there. We got Jake the Snake on the injury report coming in soon.
And of course, we can't forget the Greek freak, Andrew Themless.

Speaker 6 Before the show started, we were talking about head cases. Let me ask you this question to start the show, Bill.

Speaker 6 Name a head case because you know I love him. You know, I love him.
I got the Randy Moss is one of my favorite. The Allen Iverson.

Speaker 4 I don't think Randy Moss was a head case.

Speaker 6 No, he had his moments, but name a head case.

Speaker 4 I don't think he was. I think he was misunderstood.
Yeah. I want to call him a head case.

Speaker 6 He's one of my all-time favorites.

Speaker 6 But name a head case that won

Speaker 6 in any sport. Well, baseball doesn't count because there's so many of them that maybe football too.
But name like a football player or a basketball player head case that won because it's rare.

Speaker 3 It's rare.

Speaker 4 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 No, no, no, no, no. Especially, especially not in basketball.
Not in basketball. There's been plenty of fucking, I got to send this to this guy.
He's asked me me about this fucking coffee shop.

Speaker 4 It's a very important thing to me, but Paul, sorry. There are so many fucking head cases that have won fucking NBA championships.

Speaker 6 Ron Ortest. The first one I think is Ron Artest, Meta World Peace.
He won one, right? He won a couple.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but him, I feel like he was like, is he a head case or is he on his own fucking, he's in his own matrix? Because I love that guy.

Speaker 4 And at the end of the day, he delivered it and he didn't take away from the team. A head case to me,

Speaker 4 I'm going to speak in code here. It goes, you got to choose between this guy and that guy.
You got to get this coach out of here. I need more free agent help.

Speaker 4 Like, okay, now I just described like five people off the top of your head in the fucking NBA who have rings, that that's how they operated.

Speaker 6 All right. I think we have different definitions of head case.
I'm thinking of like the...

Speaker 4 You say to the coach, you got to get these guys the fuck out of my way.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I guess that's a head case, too i guess there's two of them i'm talking about the trouble guy off the field i'm talking about oh off the field i'm talking about the guys that were like you're talking about sending a dick pic and taking public funds to finance the volleyball you're talking about like that

Speaker 4 i thought you meant in the locker room paul i'm sorry no you're talking about two different things paul you're fading away again you're blurring out on me I'm like that fucking camera dude I swear to what do you want for Christmas a new fucking anything better camera Right when he said, I look crisp, too.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm talking about the guy that, like,

Speaker 6 dude, why is he at a nightclub the night before? Because he's good. I'm talking about the good player that does dumb shit.
Have any of them won?

Speaker 4 What about the guy who had the Glock in his sweatpants and somehow pulled the trigger and shot himself in the leg?

Speaker 4 I have to name names. Didn't he win one with you guys?

Speaker 6 No, that's common.

Speaker 4 Now, he talks about it all the time.

Speaker 6 Has Plaxico Burrs, but he did that, I guess, after they won. But yeah, you know what? That's a great call because that's why Pittsburgh got rid of him.

Speaker 6 Pittsburgh got rid of him because they said he was a head case.

Speaker 4 Listen.

Speaker 4 But is that a head case or is it just someone who didn't take a gun safety course?

Speaker 4 I don't want to do that to Plaxico. I love that guy.

Speaker 6 I love, dude. Plaxico was huge for us and he really helped Eli too.

Speaker 4 100%. Yeah, dude.
So did your defensive line. It's kind of funny all these years later, Eli gets the credit for beating Belichick and the Patriots.

Speaker 4 It's like, hey, I kind of think it was their defensive front four was

Speaker 4 taking Tom off his spot. He wasn't comfortable, at least in 07, dude.
I thought that whole, your whole front four, man, were just, they would, he would, you were in his kitchen the whole fucking day.

Speaker 6 It's funny you said that because Osiuminora said that he looked at tape and he saw a tick that Brady had, and he like talked to the defensive team.

Speaker 6 And that was the time Brady got sacked five times, which he never did before. Listen, it definitely was the defensive line why we won.
Eli didn't make mistakes.

Speaker 4 Your defensive line line was like supersized linebackers. They weren't fat guys trying to bull rush.
These guys were fucking Adonises and they manhandled our fucking offensive line. Yep.
Yep.

Speaker 1 All right. Well,

Speaker 6 before we start, we got to shout out our sponsors.

Speaker 6 It's the Bet MGM app. Best lines out there, guys.
You know what to do.

Speaker 6 If you listen to the Anything Better show and you want to follow our show, all you got to do is grab your device right here and download the Bet MGM app.

Speaker 6 You guys put in as little as ten dollars into the account and you you make your first bet if you lose that first bet you will get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets okay uh so enjoy bet responsibly and don't forget the first touchdown uh promo that they have going on right now you pick any nfl player in any nfl game to get the first touchdown in the game you win if that person does not get the first touchdown in that game but in fact gets the second you get your cash back so there you go have a lot of fun bet responsibly we are going into week number 12.

Speaker 4 oh you got that down dude you were like an auctioneer speed on that one oh dude you know what i mean this is what i do i'm back

Speaker 4 tell the people what you did last week paul tell them what you did i went listen i went three and one and i'm still in double digit losses so i didn't do much i need more and once again once again i get burned by the tampa bay buccaneers time out time out i want to give a shout out the fact that you didn't do this after one week of winning like you you see like i love when people do where they shush a crowd and they're down by 14 because they just fucking

Speaker 4 they scored a touchdown. It's like, dude, you're losing.
Dude.

Speaker 4 The Patriots played the Falcons and their wide receiver. Uh,

Speaker 4 what the fuck's his name? He's fantastic.

Speaker 4 Um, Drake London.

Speaker 6 Oh, that kid could play. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Dude, he had like three touchdowns. Every time he did this, and every time they were losing, and then they lost the game, it's like,

Speaker 4 it's like, we're winning. I'm allowed to cheer, man.

Speaker 4 i don't have anything all week this is the one thing i got don't take it away from me

Speaker 6 the celebration should be when the game is clearly over and determined by that play period

Speaker 4 period walk off home run all bets are off i mean walk off home run all of that dude all of that shit is is just it it's it's so normal now but i remember when people started doing it it was always like yeah it's just like self-congratulatory shit Paul, can you imagine killing on stage and you get an applause break and you just go like this?

Speaker 6 Dude, but I will say this. A walk-off home run.

Speaker 1 No, no, better off.

Speaker 4 No, no. Bombing for fucking 10 minutes and then finally getting a fucking laugh and then shushing,

Speaker 4 shushing,

Speaker 4 shushing your hecklers.

Speaker 1 Dude, I got to say, though, a walk-off,

Speaker 4 walk-off home run in the World Series.

Speaker 6 for me, you do anything.

Speaker 6 Hey, my pants would be off by the time I got the home play. A walk-off home run to win a World Series.
The guy could do Joe Carter to Toronto Blue.

Speaker 4 The way Joe Carter did it was great.

Speaker 6 Yeah, jumping up and down like a little kid.

Speaker 4 But that thing flipping the bat and then saying every curse word as you look down at the dugout. Fuck this fucking fucking motherfucker.
It's the stupidest shit.

Speaker 4 Even if you're a good baseball player, seven times out of 10, you're going back to the dugout failing. At that point, you should be like, you fucking suck, you fucking motherfucker.

Speaker 4 Why don't you do that?

Speaker 6 That's the only thing about Kevin Garnett that drove me nuts. Kevin Garnett would hit like a mid-range and just be backing up and go,

Speaker 4 it's like, all right, dude.

Speaker 3 It's like, come on.

Speaker 4 I love Kevin, but he did do that. And it got worse towards the end of his career.

Speaker 4 I think he knew. I think he knew he had lost his steps.
And now he was just trying to,

Speaker 4 he was trying to make up for that half a step you lose as you get older by like fucking, you know, with the attitude.

Speaker 6 Oh, that's great.

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 4 fucking layup. What the fuck was that shit? It's like, hey, man, you know, it's fucking seven to four first quarter.

Speaker 6 All right, we got, we got week 12 here. Okay, we got week 12 here.
It's an if it's an even number, which means I believe it's my first pick this week.

Speaker 4 Well, Paul, what the first thing I noticed is it's week 12 and most of the spreads are greater than 12.

Speaker 4 Jake, oh my God.

Speaker 4 I want to talk to. Jake, why am I looking at 10 and a half, 13 and a half, 13 and a half? Even like there's a bunch of six and a half big spreads this week.
Are people hurt?

Speaker 4 Yes, probably, depending on which game we're looking at.

Speaker 4 The Browns Raiders game is the one I'll bring up first because Shador Sanders is going to make his debut. And I'm very excited because we both went to Boulder.

Speaker 4 So I'm excited to see him out there, get his first start.

Speaker 4 Was it true? You guys both had a big rivalry when you were there?

Speaker 4 Absolutely. I already was a little intimidated by your swagger, man.
I don't want to start anything, but it's nice that you guys are friends again. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Dion was, you know, had to intervene, but yeah, no.

Speaker 4 And then I don't know if you, I sent the video to you guys, but Jamar Chase and Jalen Ramsey got in a fight on the field.

Speaker 4 And then the NFL looked into it and realized Jamar Chase spat spat at on jalen ramsey so he's suspended for the patriots game but there was an odd choice

Speaker 4 to spit on someone on somebody that has never that has never entered

Speaker 4 my head to ever do

Speaker 6 i had a friend spit on me and after he spit on me we just both started swinging it was not it's the most basically it's over it's the most disrespectful it's nuts You would think like llamas and camels will get into more fist fights the way that they, the amount of people they spit on.

Speaker 4 You ever see that shit? You come up to them.

Speaker 4 I mean, even if you got to hit at the fucking thing, you got to start, you have to start swinging.

Speaker 6 Dude, a camel screaming is one of the most terrifying things. The camel, you see that video where the camel goes,

Speaker 1 dude, it's horrifying.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I remember Shannon Sharp. I can't do the obvious joke with

Speaker 4 Shannon Sharp was saying, like, you spit on the ground, but not a person. So you're saying the person's like worse, you know, worse, worth less than the ground.
So I don't know.

Speaker 4 That always stuck with me.

Speaker 6 Spitting on the ground.

Speaker 4 I mean, that's sort of a classic. That's almost, that lives in the world of slapping someone with a white glove.
You spit on somebody.

Speaker 6 Italians and Greeks would do this thing where they would go,

Speaker 6 you know, remember even Karen said it in Goodfellas. She would spit on a floor.
I never understood. It's almost like a fuck you, you know, but like, you know, on her own floor.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah.
Hey, Paul, what do you think? What do you think when someone's in a conversation with you and they accidentally spit on you and they try to play it off like they did?

Speaker 4 You should be able to slap them, right?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 4 Accident is different than of intentionalism.

Speaker 6 Wait, so wait, is Chase out?

Speaker 4 No, but you know, they see it, then they see you fucking go like this and they still don't do anything.

Speaker 4 What a, you give him one of those.

Speaker 6 Oh, dude, when somebody does that and you just go, I don't like when somebody gets it on my hand and then I don't know. If I like the person, I don't tell them.
I just kind of secretly wipe it.

Speaker 6 If I like them,

Speaker 6 if I don't like them, I go, Whoa.

Speaker 4 Dude, there's a comedian I worked with a long time ago. So, you ever talked to somebody?

Speaker 4 I don't know if he still does the bit, though. The guy doesn't write enough, so maybe I don't want to do it.

Speaker 4 I saw the bit 30 years ago. Hey, Paul, some people don't write, you know? Hey,

Speaker 4 so yeah,

Speaker 4 yeah, he's suspended for the game, so he won't play. But there was a report yesterday saying Joe Burrow practiced fully, so it's possible that he returns this week instead of for Thanksgiving.

Speaker 4 Um, that's oh, I was wondering why the Patriots Bengals was six and a half. I'm like, Joe Burrow's coming back, we're in Cincinnati, and that's six and a half.
Okay,

Speaker 4 yeah, so it's it's 50-50 now. You know, we'll know more later in the week, but um, that's the news right now.
The Bengals have Tyrod Taylor, no,

Speaker 4 Macco Flacco is still out. Oh, Flacco.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Tyrod Taylor is one of the best names in the NFL. Yeah, he's actually starting this week for the Jets.
They benched Justin Fields, so it's funny you brought that up.

Speaker 4 That poor bastard can't get a break. Yeah.
And then the Texans aren't going to start C.J. Stroud tonight against the Bills.
Gonna be another Davis Mills start for them. Oh, okay.
That changes things.

Speaker 6 And what about Aaron Rodgers? Is Aaron Rodgers not playing for the Steelers? Broken wrist?

Speaker 4 Yeah, he's probably not playing, but they're saying he's trying to to play. Um, I don't, I can't imagine he's gonna play on a fractured wrist, though.

Speaker 4 I mean, throwing hand or the other hand, it's the other hand,

Speaker 4 so you know, that's kind of like what they're saying. Like, oh, he's trying to play through it with whatever.
Um, anti-vex. Well, they don't really hit quarterbacks anymore.

Speaker 4 No, but he, I mean,

Speaker 4 quarterback with a fucking sling at this point. Just have your hand here.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I see the catcher like this, the snap, scrambling for a first down.

Speaker 4 Is Daniel Jones playing?

Speaker 4 For the Colts, yes, he is.

Speaker 4 And then the Packers

Speaker 4 have an injury too. Their running back, Josh Jacobs, might not play.
So that's a pretty big one. He's a really great player for them.
And then Jackson Dart is back.

Speaker 6 Jackson Dart is back

Speaker 6 for the Giants against the Lions.

Speaker 4 That's what it sounds like. Yeah, he's back practicing at least.
Concussions are tricky, and they're a lot more strict now. Thankfully, they're a lot more strict now.

Speaker 4 Is it true the Lions aren't dressing their puncher this week?

Speaker 4 I don't know. I've never heard of that.

Speaker 4 You guys hear? Oh, you guys hear about this one's week at head cases. The Cowboys, they benched their two receivers for the first drive in that Raider game.
I guess they were out in Vegas partying.

Speaker 4 Is like what came out later. They said they saw one of them throwing up in his receivers.

Speaker 4 I think it was Lamb, actually, even though you would expect it to be Pickens. But yeah, I don't know.
I thought that was an interesting sign.

Speaker 4 I mean, one of the things it's such a crazy, like, I remember when I I was a kid, they said Las Vegas would never have a sports team because they don't want to have people around that.

Speaker 4 And now, look at us. We're doing a sports gambling podcast.

Speaker 4 And now they have a football team, a hockey team. They're getting a baseball team.
And they're going to get a basketball team, too. Oh, my God.
The NBA is going to do that.

Speaker 4 Jesus, that's the easiest game to fucking fix.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Paul, this is the end of times.

Speaker 3 Dude, I'll tell you what.

Speaker 4 This is Jesus right now waiting to come back.

Speaker 4 When fucking the Vegas whoever has their first fucking game. Now that, now, yeah, okay.
All right.

Speaker 6 You know, in tag team wrestling, when the guy's getting beaten, the other one's going like this?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 6 So, dude, if I'm

Speaker 6 this lovely lady asked me if I want to go into a hot tub, I'm going to say, no, she's a fan.

Speaker 4 I was doing it for the franchise. Doing it for the fans.

Speaker 6 We have a hot tub in the facility for our muscles. What am I going to do?

Speaker 4 Did we not talk about being a little more friendly with the fans to help the NFL product? That's right.

Speaker 4 I didn't have to bring those three women back to show them my fucking rings.

Speaker 4 They wanted to see them.

Speaker 4 We watched four episodes of The Office. That's what we were doing in there.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 4 That'd be hilarious.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 Well, I'm offended. I'm offended that you think I would do something like that.

Speaker 4 Come on. I'm a man of God.
What are we doing? I'm a man of God. I was trying to get her on the straight and narrow.
Oh,

Speaker 4 yeah.

Speaker 4 Jesus says. That's why I have all these chains, the cross chains.
Oh, dude. And the way she was committed to her job, I got something out of that.
I got something out of that this Sunday.

Speaker 6 Dude, she was dedicated, prepared. What do you want me to do?

Speaker 4 Hey, they all bought in. I'm like, I'll lock her up.

Speaker 6 They bought into the system.

Speaker 4 They weren't overt. The casino looks the other way.

Speaker 4 We are in a recession right now. And I'm a big believer in spreading your money around if you have it.

Speaker 6 Dude, the sushi restaurant just put in a fountain.

Speaker 6 The guy, the owner asked me to come by. What am I going to do? Ask my wife.

Speaker 4 I love a fountain. I love a fountain.

Speaker 4 I was so upset we weren't staying at the Monte Carlo.

Speaker 4 I could watch that music with those fouls and a couple of hookers all night long.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 6 Well, Jake the Snake,

Speaker 6 you just changed me with the, I was going to take the Texans tonight, but you know what? I do not like no C.J. Stroud.

Speaker 6 So I'm going to, and that line just changed, which means there's a lot of movement there.

Speaker 6 So I'm going to do something here. I didn't think I was going to do.
And this is a team I didn't think I was going to ever take. But you know what?

Speaker 6 I am the Chicago Bears. The Chicago Bears keep proving to me every week, every week that they win.
The Chicago Bears are what, seven and three?

Speaker 4 Seven and three.

Speaker 4 First in the NFC Court.

Speaker 6 Chicago Bears keep showing up in the end of the game to get it done. It's less than three.
They are at home. And Aaron Rodgers has a broken wrist.

Speaker 6 I think it's irresponsible of the Pittsburgh Steelers to put him in that game, even though it's his opposite hand, which means the second guy's coming in, and I love the home team minus two and a half.

Speaker 6 So I am taking the Chicago Bears.

Speaker 4 Andrew, what's my record? How the fuck was I 19 and 19? I lost three games, and now I have 23 losses.

Speaker 4 So you were, yeah, you were 16 and 19 when we thought you were 19 and 19. So

Speaker 4 this is the final thing. Dude, there's no fucking way to beat these cunts.
So, Paul. I don't give a fuck how many good weeks you have in a row.

Speaker 4 Every time you get your nose above the fucking water, these cunts come back. Bill, how do we have to go? Bill and I are all tied.

Speaker 4 Oh, Andrew, too.

Speaker 4 Yeah, Jake, you, me, and Bill are all tied.

Speaker 6 You guys are only three and a half games back. I am.

Speaker 4 19, 23, and 2. That's pretty funny.
Because Jake was up.

Speaker 4 14 and a half back, Paul. And this week 12,

Speaker 4 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. Paul, you could do this.
I have it, Andrew.

Speaker 4 You got to go three and one the rest of the year. Do you do this, Paul? This is what you do.
Paul, this is what the fuck you do.

Speaker 6 I thought I was 13 and a half back. This says 14 and a half back, but you know what? I'll go back and look too.
But I think it's off by a game.

Speaker 4 You know what I do, Paul? I slowly fade away during the holidays.

Speaker 4 We'll see. My paw dying.
Nah, don't say that. You got this, Bill.
No, you guys are three, though. Nah, nah, I got busy.
I had acting work. I didn't even watch any fucking games.
I can't pick any.

Speaker 4 Nobody likes me.

Speaker 4 All right, sorry, I'm catastrophizing.

Speaker 4 But yeah, 0-4 last week. I got to bounce back to.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but Jake, you know, when you're a Playboy and you don't get in until five in the morning, you miss those early games. Forget about the one.

Speaker 4 Dude, what did Spain do that they deserved that fucking game last week? Jesus Christ. Can we send them a good product? Are they trying to go global?

Speaker 2 They are.

Speaker 4 They are.

Speaker 4 That was the last international game of the year, thankfully, for us.

Speaker 4 Paul, it's getting late in the season.

Speaker 6 It's getting late early, as the great, late Yogi Barris says. It's getting late, early.

Speaker 4 Getting late early.

Speaker 4 I'm going to take the Eagles minus three going into the Cowboys.

Speaker 4 I don't know. They just haven't fucking...

Speaker 4 They're going to shake off the Super Bowl win, Paul. Are they finally going to do that? Is everybody healthy? Like, when are they going to start being what they could be?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Why not this week?

Speaker 4 Yeah. And it's only a three-point spread.
I'm only laying three points. And all those other fucking games scare the shit out of me.

Speaker 4 10 and a half, 13 and a half, 13 and a half.

Speaker 3 13 and a half is nuts.

Speaker 4 I had that last week. I had 13.
I was late. I had 13 points, and I pushed.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 6 Well, I think, what's it called?

Speaker 6 I think that with the Eagles going to A.J. Brown now and Saquon is starting to really get back to kind of business, I like that pick, especially at three.
Speaking of three,

Speaker 6 speaking of three, I am giving Trevor Lawrence one more shot.

Speaker 6 I'm giving Trevor Lawrence and the Jacksonville Jaguars one more shot at the plate. I'm letting them get in the batter's box one more time.
Okay. They are playing the Cardinals who just got smoked.

Speaker 6 I know my homecoming theory with the line, but

Speaker 6 I got to see the Jacksonville Jaguars one more time to see.

Speaker 6 I think they're the better team with the better quarterback.

Speaker 6 I'm going to take Jacksonville to win by three in Arizona. The line was two and a half right before we did a half hour ago.
The line was two and a half, which pisses me off.

Speaker 6 But I'm going to take them to win by a field goal.

Speaker 4 You know, Paul, I got to tell you, I am terrified of the NFC South.

Speaker 4 And you have, you fucking put on your bathing suit and you've grabbed your nose and you've just jumped the Buccaneers, the Jaguars, you didn't want, you've gone right in.

Speaker 4 I don't know what it is about the NFC South. The games never come on.
I don't even know what's going on.

Speaker 4 If they got rid of those four teams, it would take me about five weeks to realize it even happened.

Speaker 4 I commend your courage.

Speaker 4 All right, speaking of courage,

Speaker 4 I don't know why. I just think Joe Burrow is a really experienced quarterback.
I think six and a half points is a lot of points to get at home. The Patriots are winning.
They're not necessarily,

Speaker 4 you know, dominating mid-range teams. You know, I know we beat the Jets by 13, but like, I just like that half.
If it was six, I would have stayed away. Six and a half at home.

Speaker 4 I think the Patriots win. I don't think they win by a touchdown.
I'm taking Smoke and Joe Burrow.

Speaker 4 A tale of two Joes this year out there in Cincinnati. I'm taking the Bengals.
And Paul, you know what? If they win next week when Joe Burrow comes back i they might be my afc jaguars

Speaker 4 okay i like it i like it i like the pick um

Speaker 6 i'm gonna do something wild here

Speaker 6 don't play i'm gonna take a dog i'm gonna take a dog and i'm gonna take the carolina panthers on monday night football on the road getting seven

Speaker 6 uh i just think that they i think they're coming they're coming off of a are they coming off a buy or not yet no they won um they beat atlanta or no was it Atlanta?

Speaker 4 Well, they won last week. They beat Atlanta.
I think it was Atlanta.

Speaker 6 They're kind of turned a corner. The Panthers have turned a corner.
And

Speaker 6 I know Brock Purdy's back, but I think seven points is a lot. I could see a little backdoor touchdown there at the end to get.

Speaker 4 Paul, keep it clean, huh? Hey.

Speaker 6 I'm going to take the Panthers getting seven on the road on Monday night football. Bryce, he's under the lights, right? He's under the lights.
Primetime game.

Speaker 4 You know, to your point, Paul, the Failers are six and five. So if they win this game, they have a chance they could potentially win the division because they're only half came back with Tampa.

Speaker 4 And Jake, would you say this is a statement game?

Speaker 4 Statement game for both teams, yeah, because Niners are seven and four. So, I mean, we'll see.

Speaker 6 I just picture a topless woman walking past Jake going like this to his head, rough, and just keep going right now.

Speaker 4 How are you doing? Nothing would surprise you, kisses him on the cheeks. Hey, thanks for last night.

Speaker 4 I know that was just sex, but it was worth it

Speaker 4 see you next time in town i'll see you the next time i'm in town honey

Speaker 4 um go ahead bill it's up you're up oh jesus christ uh i'm gonna take the vikings

Speaker 4 getting uh getting six and a half going into green bay i like six and a half in a division rivalry they live right next to each other they're not afraid to be outside in the cold even though they play indoors in Minnesota, Paul.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 4 It's going to happen. They got Sam Darnold.

Speaker 4 Sam Gosh Darnold.

Speaker 6 Sam, dude, that's a. No, they don't.
Who? Who are you talking about?

Speaker 4 Yeah, they have J.J. McCarthy.
Yeah. That was last one.

Speaker 4 Wait.

Speaker 4 J.J. McCarthy.
I thought he was a coach.

Speaker 4 No, you're thinking of it. I'm like a quarterback? Dude, I'm still out of the look.
You know what? Whatever. I like the color purple.

Speaker 4 You think that's why Prince picked purple? He was from Minnesota, too. Was that his way of saying he was a Vikings fan?

Speaker 4 I think the Vikings, like Prince, are going to go crazy like it's 1999. Lambo Phil, here you go.
There's some catchphrases for you. I'll take the Vikings, not knowing who their quarterback is.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 6 I don't like the half a point. I've been bitten on the half a point.
We've all been bitten by the half a point.

Speaker 6 But I'm going to do something because I truly believe right now that

Speaker 6 the Kansas City Chiefs,

Speaker 6 I really believe this is it they're five and five they keep losing games the look on mahomes' face after the last loss was the first time i saw now they're going hey is he gonna go to the jets if they don't win and is he gonna fucking rebuild that you start hearing things like that i'm like it's way too early for that i don't like to have a point but the chiefs are coming off of a bad loss at home minus they're going against daniel jones and the colts but uh i'm gonna take the chiefs to to have a to have a bounce back as bill says a statement statement game to save their season now.

Speaker 6 Because I think that if this is the time. So there you go.

Speaker 3 I agree with all that.

Speaker 4 That half a point is scary. I swear to God, if it's 2019,

Speaker 4 dude, I know this guy. He's in his 80s.
He's been playing, you know, been in Vegas for a long time. And I can't say it on the air, but what he said about the half a point.

Speaker 4 It's a fucking great joke. It's wild, but like,

Speaker 4 I can't do it on the internet.

Speaker 4 Next time we hang.

Speaker 4 I'll let you know. And if you're a fan of my shit and you come out to go see me and there's an opportunity, I will tell you the joke.
It is a joke, but it is not a joke that you can do

Speaker 4 on a sports podcast. You know, with somebody as wholesome as Bet MGM, you know?

Speaker 4 They're just, you know.

Speaker 4 I know they're involved in sports gambling, but I feel their heart is in the right place.

Speaker 6 Absolutely.

Speaker 4 Like, if Julia Roberts playing a hooker was running a sports gambling site, I feel like it would be Bet MGM. I'm expecting a card from them for complimenting them like that.

Speaker 4 Um, how was the whiskey a go-go show, by the way?

Speaker 4 Oh, I had a great time. You know, they try to say that was the first stand-up show there ever.
I can't believe that that would be true.

Speaker 4 The amount of comedians and musicians, Sam Kinnison, Steve Martin, Woodrow Allen. I mean, somebody must have gone down.

Speaker 4 He took out his, he probably electrified his clarinet, came down there, opened by the runaways.

Speaker 6 All right, that was just for me.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Oh, Billy Punch drunk this week. Paul, my God, Jesus Christ.
I should have brought my glasses

Speaker 4 to look at all these fucking spreads. I got nothing, Paul.
Paul, I don't have anything. I would literally throw a dart at this right now.
For some reason. like an asshole, Paul.

Speaker 4 I am gravitating towards that Raiders Browns game. Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 Shador Sanders. Shador Sanders' first start.

Speaker 4 I believe.

Speaker 4 You got Pete Carroll.

Speaker 4 Why does it have to be four? Why can't it be three?

Speaker 4 The holidays.

Speaker 4 I can't. You know, you don't have to go.
Can't you just have a holiday line? Just one game.

Speaker 4 Dude, I got

Speaker 4 a

Speaker 4 win.

Speaker 6 I see a degenerate talking to his bookie before like legalized. And he's like, come on.

Speaker 2 Come on. Dude, it's come on, Joey.
It's Christmas.

Speaker 1 Give me half a point. Come on.

Speaker 6 How long have we been working together, Joey? Give me half a point. I'll give you the fucking.

Speaker 6 You can make the vig a little more. Take a little more juice on the back end.
Just give me the three.

Speaker 4 Joey, look, look at your car. We both know I'm making the paints.
Me,

Speaker 1 Joey, I know your mother. I know your mother.

Speaker 4 You know, that's good. Come on, Joey.

Speaker 4 Give me four. And then he does it.
He goes, Hey, you know, I took a shot. I tried.

Speaker 4 I tried.

Speaker 4 My mother always told me, it never hurts to ask. Hey, Bill, Bill.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. Come on, you said, oh,

Speaker 4 it's the darkest video on the internet.

Speaker 4 When he's standing there going, this is so stupid. This is so stupid.

Speaker 4 I have to know what he had riding on that game. Oh, oh, my God.
I'm so happy his horse won, but I'm also.

Speaker 4 sad for him because I know he's going to come back the next day and do it again because he won. Talk about this classic clip of this guy watching the ponies.
All right, fuck it.

Speaker 4 Just to keep the show going, I'm going to take the Raiders minus four. Sneaky Pete, I think he stays in that night.
Doesn't go down to the Vegas Strip like fucking some of those guys on the Cowboys.

Speaker 4 I think he focuses on it. He's got an ego.

Speaker 4 I think he's going to be extra chewing that gum this week.

Speaker 6 He's putting on a crispier pair of khakis this week.

Speaker 6 New balance.

Speaker 4 Fuck that. I'm taking the Browns plus four.
Fuck that. I'm not going with it.

Speaker 4 I'm not doing it.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 4 No, no, no. I want to root.
I want to root for that kid. Fuck it.

Speaker 3 I do too.

Speaker 4 Somebody just made a point.

Speaker 6 I was like, why would you root against him? Because he's Dion's son. I get the whole Rolex and the Rolls-Royce around school.
I get that.

Speaker 6 And I get the, you know, but dude, you don't root against a kid.

Speaker 4 Oh, the guy likes to dress nice.

Speaker 6 And here's the deal.

Speaker 4 He likes to have a nice car. He likes the women that like that stuff.
Who is he hurting?

Speaker 4 The egos of fat sports riders. Yeah.
Wearing Hawaiian shirts. Never,

Speaker 4 never came close to top shelf pussy. That's why they don't like them.

Speaker 6 Hey, Bill, let me ask you a question. If me, your friend who you've known, Paul Versey, for a long time, if I was able to drive a Rolls-Royce and have a fucking Rolex on college campus, would I do it?

Speaker 4 Oh, 100%.

Speaker 1 I'd be walking around.

Speaker 4 I would pull up shirtless wearing a fur.

Speaker 4 Especially at Boulder.

Speaker 4 But you know what? You'd still be a great guy.

Speaker 6 I would be a great guy.

Speaker 4 I would still be a nice guy.

Speaker 6 I'd be like, my dad's a coach. What are you going to do? Come and have a drink.

Speaker 4 Hey, I'll introduce you to the boosters. I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 4 Am I supposed to say no to this?

Speaker 6 I'd go up to the fat fuck writer who talks shit. I go, dude,

Speaker 6 come to my dorm. I'm having a little party.
Some people I'll introduce you to. Next write, I'd be incredible.
You know, I had this guy wrong. This guy's a nice guy.

Speaker 4 Now he would burn you. He'd burn you.
He would take all the fucking accoutrements in your fucking party and then he would write a fucking hit piece.

Speaker 6 I'm like, I got you blown.

Speaker 1 You fat fuck. Nobody like did that.

Speaker 1 I talked to her.

Speaker 6 All right. Sorry, this is a clean show.

Speaker 4 I spread the ball around the field. How am I the bad guy?

Speaker 1 You got the balls to write that about me when I had you.

Speaker 6 I hooked you up with her.

Speaker 1 You fat fuck.

Speaker 4 You're going to show up in a Camry and you get your dick sucked by that?

Speaker 4 And this is the article I get?

Speaker 4 Oh, God, it's great. Fucking band-aid colored fucking Camry.

Speaker 6 Oh, that's so funny.

Speaker 6 I let you take the Rolls-Royce around campus. I let you ride the Rolls around campus.

Speaker 4 We're good together.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 6 There you guys go.

Speaker 6 Those are our picks for week number 12. And right now, it is time time for Bill to sing.
Because wait, have we? We are on a little cold streak, guys, with the Monday night special.

Speaker 6 We've hit a drought.

Speaker 4 We've had a little lake effect snow on our Monday night picks. Let's be honest.
We came out of the gate.

Speaker 6 We came out of the gate.

Speaker 1 Hey, mate.

Speaker 4 We were flipping the bat. We were yelling.
People in the dugout. We were pointing, shushing.
Oh, yeah, the whole thing.

Speaker 6 We got to get one here. We got to get one here.

Speaker 4 So let it ring. The dirty bird.

Speaker 6 It is time for the Monday Night Special. Okay, I'll do it.

Speaker 4 All right, everybody. Okay, it's time to let the Monday Night Special

Speaker 4 win some money for you.

Speaker 4 Let the Monday Night Special win some fucking money for you. Come on, Paul.
What do we got this week? We've got the Panthers and the 49ers.

Speaker 4 What say you?

Speaker 6 We got the Panthers, 49ers. It is a touchdown spread, seven points.
Hey, Andrew, can we get the under over on this game?

Speaker 6 I'm going to say 46, my guess.

Speaker 4 It seems

Speaker 4 44.

Speaker 4 Andrew, are you there? So specific, I feel like one of those guys would be right.

Speaker 4 Yeah, just point. Jake, you don't have to be nice.
Tell us what it is. I know you know it.
I don't know. I don't know.
That's bubble's like that. No, it's 49 and a half.

Speaker 1 49 and a half?

Speaker 4 49 and a half. They expect a high-scoring game.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 scoring game? Paul, you know, I mean, one team's not going to score 49 points, Paul.

Speaker 6 I picked the Panthers, but I like the I like Sam Fran on the money line.

Speaker 4 Okay, let's go ahead and hedge.

Speaker 6 I like Sam Fran the money line. I just think the seven points is a lot.
So

Speaker 4 you can take.

Speaker 6 We know a guy that said, I'm a lot.

Speaker 4 I'm a lot.

Speaker 4 You shouldn't be. Probably me.

Speaker 4 I mean, you can take McCaffrey.

Speaker 6 Jake, you compared to this guy. It's not even, I couldn't even do a comparison.

Speaker 4 That's how opposite it is. Oh, wow.

Speaker 6 It's probably the most contrast, opposite thing I've ever seen.

Speaker 6 I couldn't even give you an example.

Speaker 4 Jake, you're a nice, humble guy

Speaker 4 who's really good at what he does. I appreciate that.
Never forgot where you came from.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 4 Guy takes, he's got all this money. He won't even buy a picture to fucking put it on his wall.
That's, that's how fucking humble this guy is.

Speaker 4 The first time Paul and I really hung out together,

Speaker 4 this person was around. And Paul goes, I really liked how you pushed back.
And I was like, we're going to get along just fine, Paul. Oh, he finally figured out, he's a fucking baby.

Speaker 4 He's like, oh, dude,

Speaker 4 literally 10 seconds. And Paul goes, oh, you're Greek and Italian? I go, yeah, I'm half Greek, half Italian.
You don't meet a half-Greek, half-Italian everywhere.

Speaker 4 Literally, six seconds has been spent on this topic. And yeah, yeah, we get it.
We get it. Paul and I look at each other like, No, no, no, we just finished the sentence.

Speaker 4 We didn't even get into it. We didn't even get to it.
The only person I knew who didn't have a weak bladder but still needed adult diaper.

Speaker 4 I didn't know where you're going. That's hilarious.

Speaker 6 Um,

Speaker 6 I think we, I think the 49ers at home is any line, right? Or, I mean, unless you guys want to go the other way

Speaker 6 and take the Panthers with the points, whatever you want.

Speaker 4 No, I like the money line because I don't want to be rooting against your bet. So I like the money line.
I think the 49ers

Speaker 4 eke this out. Although, Paul, I kind of like the way you're looking at this game, Paul.

Speaker 4 McCann's going to get a touchdown. This probably is a good thing.
You know what I think it is?

Speaker 6 I think this is going to be a game where the Panthers score and they need one score and have to do an onside kick and don't get it. One of those deals.
But I do like the Niners with the money line.

Speaker 4 So we can. And I like the Panthers with the points.

Speaker 4 However you want to fucking do it, Paul. I just got to.

Speaker 4 The Panthers are a tough fucking team.

Speaker 6 Dude, the Panthers are six and five, getting seven. You want to take them?

Speaker 4 I think you're onto something, Paul. Yeah, the Panthers, you know, they want to walk around.

Speaker 3 Hey, they need a little walking around money.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 All right. Fuck it.
Let's. Let's fucking put our balls on the table the week before Thanksgiving.

Speaker 6 We're going to roll with the cats.

Speaker 4 We're going going to roll.

Speaker 4 That's right.

Speaker 6 All right. So we got, all right.
So that's the first leg of our bet is we are going to take the Carolina Panthers on Monday night football, getting seven. What's phase two?

Speaker 6 Throw us a bone here, Jake.

Speaker 4 A couple of people you can take to get a touchdown. I mean, McCaffrey is definitely going to be the most popular choice,

Speaker 4 even though he's on the Niners. And then Bryce Young.
And the Panthers running back, Rico Doddle, is very good, too. So those are kind of the three that I would look at.

Speaker 4 Here's a question I have, Paul. Do you think it hurts us like every fucking week? We like we pick a team and then we start betting all the offensive shit the other team's going to do.

Speaker 6 I mean, you know, let's go, let's go Bryce Young to throw one of the Panthers. Let's do that.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I like that a lot.

Speaker 6 And then I think we, you guys want to go, you want to do, we haven't done this in a while. You want to go under the 49

Speaker 6 points or you want to go over? Or you don't want to touch it?

Speaker 4 I have no feeling on that.

Speaker 4 I have a strong feeling that the Panthers could win this game, definitely cover. I like all of that stuff.
That That over-undershit is.

Speaker 6 It's poison.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I would stay away from that.

Speaker 6 Jake, what's the, by the way, I want to let the people know, Bill, we've never done that. So you people that don't know, Jake the Snake gives us a report every week.

Speaker 6 This isn't just, he's not just here to show off his good looks. Okay.
And, you know, take the time off of his fucking crazy dating line. No, he does the work.
He puts the work in.

Speaker 6 He gives us an amazing report. He breaks everything down.

Speaker 4 It's all written out. It's a, he sends a document.

Speaker 6 Dude, I didn't write that much. Hey, I didn't write that much in all high school, all right?

Speaker 6 So, Jake, are the Panthers got a good defense or no?

Speaker 4 That's a good question. It's been like kind of up and down, you know?

Speaker 4 Like, I think the Niners will be able to move the ball on them.

Speaker 4 That would be my prediction, but they're much improved from last year.

Speaker 4 They can get stops, but like,

Speaker 4 yeah, it's tough to say. Probably middle of the road would be fair characterization there.

Speaker 4 For sure.

Speaker 4 Andrew, are we able to do anything fun?

Speaker 6 Are we able to do like a, like, is Bet MGM going to let us do like a four?

Speaker 4 Oh, is, Paul? Have fun.

Speaker 6 What do you want? So

Speaker 6 can we do a kicker to kick over a 50-yarder?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Those, I mean, they're probably, the odds are probably available.
Why not? Let's have fun. We're taking the fucking Panthers.

Speaker 6 All right, let's do that. And it doesn't matter what kicker.
So here's what we want to do.

Speaker 6 Either kicker kicks a 50 or more so 5-0 counts or more and then we'll take the panthers with the points and we'll take bryce young and the panthers to throw one i think that's a fun one

Speaker 4 i think balversey has found his he's he's fine he's he's got it back if i win this week i'm gonna come in here a little little more arrogant

Speaker 4 I'm not gonna say you're gonna wear a button down, but you're not necessarily going to button all the buttons.

Speaker 4 I'm going to hear. You're going to show a little chest.

Speaker 4 This is how you know how Paul has been doing: how much chest hair is showing. Or how many chains.

Speaker 6 On the next three weeks, I was just shirtless.

Speaker 4 Jacob's, how many chains are out?

Speaker 4 Paul, I have not seen your fucking,

Speaker 4 your gold, man. I haven't seen that this season.

Speaker 4 I know. You know what? I went three and one last week.
Let's take it out.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that was a nice one.

Speaker 4 You're like the athlete at the end of his career has one more good good game.

Speaker 4 And for a brief moment, you saw flashes of his youth to end a fantastic career. All right, Paul.

Speaker 6 There you have it, guys. We got our picks.
We got our Monday night special is the Carolina Panthers getting seven. Bryce Young to throw a touchdown.

Speaker 6 And any of the NF, any of the kickers in the game kicking a 50 or longer field goal will be the Monday night special. So you guys can root for a field goal, which will be great.
And there you go.

Speaker 6 Download the app to your device, put as little as $10 in for your first bet. If the bet doesn't hit, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets.

Speaker 6 And you could do the touchdown promo, which is you pick any NFL player in any game to get the first touchdown and you win. If they don't, but get the second touchdown, you get your cash back.

Speaker 6 There you go. Good luck this week.

Speaker 4 I got to tell you real quickly, betting either field goal kicker to kick over a 50-yarder is like one of the most exciting bets of the year for me.

Speaker 4 And I'm like, I'm going to watch this game. This is just such a funny level to watch the game on.

Speaker 6 Well, when we were younger, I almost said when we were kids, but when we were younger, 40 years ago, a 46-yarder, you'd be like, Oh, dude, this isn't now.

Speaker 4 It's like dude, there was no shame in missing a 48-yarder, unless you did it on the bills for the work for the Super Bowl. None, yep.

Speaker 6 Now they're like, dude, it's 54. As long as this year is 59, you're like, What?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, dude.

Speaker 4 I remember Adam Vinatari kicked a 57-yarder. My buddy called me up.

Speaker 4 Yeah, dude, north of 55, north of 55 was fucking in. That was the field goal version of your boy's catch there in the back of the end zone.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Like people didn't, maybe it's not that far.
That was the 63-yarder, but like to kick a 57-yarder, it's like, fuck, man.

Speaker 6 Dude, I remember in the late 90s, the guy on the Denver Broncos tied the record with 63, and they ran out on the field like they won the Super Bowl. Now the guy and the Cowboys kicked a 70-yarder.

Speaker 6 It's like, it's nuts. But I like this bet.
This is going to be fun to watch. And And this will make everybody on our thing.
Because if Bryce Young throws one, now it makes everybody in it. So

Speaker 4 there you guys go.

Speaker 6 That's the show. We'll see you next week.

Speaker 6 Jake, Bill, and Andrew are three and a half back.

Speaker 4 And I believe I'm 13 and a half back.

Speaker 6 Not, but I'm going to go back. We're going to see.
Either way, hey, I got my work cut out for me, but let's get it.

Speaker 6 Let's get it to, let me just get it to single digits in the next two weeks, and we'll see what happens.

Speaker 4 Paul, they're letting you hang around. They're making a big mistake.
Don't do it. Plenty of time left, Paul.
Plenty of time left. Plenty of time left.

Speaker 6 All right, guys. That's our show.
We'll see you guys next week.

Speaker 2 All right. Bye-bye.