MBMBaM 746: Long Gone Daddy with Fists of Steel

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the state park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

It's better, it's better with two.

Hello, welcome to my brother, my brother, me and Advice Show for the Modern Era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

Vroom, vroom, Trav Nation.

It's me, your middlest brother, big dog Wolf Wolf McElroy.

That could be thunder or the sound of a car engine that is far away.

I'm Griffin.

I forgot to say Travis.

Yeah, that's Travis.

I am realizing.

And that's Griffin.

Griffin's in my...

Griffin's got shotgun

and we're gunning it.

And Justin's in the trunk.

I'm in the trunk.

I'm in the boot, if you will.

I'm, you know, I'm realizing I had this moment, this chilling moment when we started recording and we were doing our introductions.

And then I let my mind drift as the human mind off does to the off outroductions.

And I realized I don't know.

We don't know how that's going to happen.

We did it again.

Yeah.

So let's not.

I mean, I included a fungalore wish.

No, I can't do that.

That was last year.

Can we do it like, can we say it's like instead of a wish to fungalore, it is a question that make a question to make the cargo?

It's absolutely a question we should have had on the production meeting that we did yesterday.

No, but you know, Justin, art is a living thing.

Art's alive, and we should live within it, like Osmosis Jones.

Yeah, exactly.

Like Osmosis Jones.

That's a man without fear.

That is, he's living faster than fear for sure.

Now, Travis,

it's been a little bit.

You were traveling.

How are you doing?

How are you feeling?

I'm traveling faster than fear, Justin.

Thank you for asking.

I'm feeling great.

I'm over my strep throat.

I did have a day, speaking of osmosis Jones, where one day, and this is like before I started my antibiotics, where suddenly, like...

And I didn't even have a fever, but it was like my fever broke and I felt like 25% better instantly.

And my first thought I shoot you not was, there's an osmosis Jones in there fighting this shit.

Just blasted.

Somebody just got absolutely melted by an osmosis jones, and I feel better.

I mean, it could have been him.

It could have been David Hyde Pierce, zapped Thrax, if you'll remember, was the bad guy in Osmosis.

Tylenol, I think, who killed Anthrax?

It was like a Tylenol that killed the Anthrax.

But hold on.

Thrax is just the name.

He's not anthrax because Bill Murray got it from eating a dirty, a monkey's dirty egg off the ground.

There's a lot in that movie that

reaches beyond like the limits of my capacity to imagine.

The scene where Bill Murray picks up a dirty egg off the ground and just goches it into his nasty mouth has really clearly stuck.

There's a scene where there's a party in a bar inside a pimple, if I remember correctly.

That's not important.

The stuff that I know behind the body is that I could try to explain this movie to someone who hasn't seen it, and it's going to sound like a fever dream or like a made-up thing.

And he gets anthrax from eating a monkey's dirty egg off the ground.

I don't think that's how anthrax, I don't think that's where anthrax came from.

No, it was from the government made up.

So it went through the government like publishers clearinghouse publishers clearinghouse over the cards

just fucking jazzing right now guys i'm loving it after two whole weeks of basically telling the same joke over and over again i think we're still picking a new name for the year god what is okay this is okay this is actually really good i was trying to figure out why i was feeling so creatively backed up and i mean

literally like i could feel it in me you know what i mean like the jokes the bio recorded.

My brother made a couple of times.

Why didn't that slake my thirst?

And it's like, well, you didn't do any

jokes.

You barely were creative.

You know what I mean?

No, at that point,

we were pagliachiing around of like people are laughing because of the sad clowns in front of them, but we weren't actually making jokes.

Yeah, we, I love this new podcast where a monk whips his back with the cat of nine tails until God whispers the future into his ear.

They did two of them.

We can't.

We did it.

And one day we'll forget.

That's what I look forward to is forgetting about this.

The day in like 2032, when we're going back over the past years and then we get to 25 more,

a shiver will no, we'll remember the name.

I'm saying a shiver will go up my spine.

What I need to know is...

And what I think we should have clarified last week, and I will very briefly mention this and move on.

Do we have an asterisk situation, or is this a dual theme?

Absolutely not a dual theme.

Tummy buddy time stuff, I think we can drop in there.

You're not even saying it right.

Yeah, tummy buddy life, I think, is going to end up being like one of those things where, like, there was an interim, but they still get listed hypothetically amongst the things, you know?

Yes.

Where it's like, if a president like has to undergo surgery and be put under, and it's like for that hour, the vice president was president.

That's like tummy buddy life.

But when we're listing it in like the property, I would just assume not.

It's a brief interregnum.

No, no, no, no, nothing more need be said.

Yeah, this is also an advice show.

Well, we do need to said more things because

we do need to say more things.

We should have said more things.

Yeah, yeah.

I recently started working at a Magnum PI agency, and one of the things we do.

That's not what it is, there's no way it says that, right?

I recently started working at a PI agency, and one of the things

I recently started working at a Raspberry Pi factory and

these dang things just keep hitting me in the face.

I recently started working at a PI agency and one of the things we do pretty often is run background checks for clients.

However, the more I run them, the more curious I get about what my background check would show.

The problem is we do have to justify every background check.

The confirmed story is someone ran a check on a very famous celebrity.

Me.

And that understandably raised some red flags with the site we use.

We now have to justify every background check to the site and our bosses.

Understandably so.

Yeah.

My question is, what reason can I give to write a background check on myself?

That's from Curiosity Kills the Cat in Pittsburgh.

Now, I want to help you, but first, I want to talk about this spy company.

Listen.

Hey, pal, listen.

I pay you for the spy stuff.

All right.

I can use that nasty spy stuff on anybody i want to right i don't need you judging me about who i'm spying on and being a creepy sneak okay i pay you no justin you're missing the point as soon as you the customer say give me a full background check i'm like tom hardy now there's a reason to do it but that because it's money but the employee can't just do it out of curiosity if dude so you can justin you can you Justin McGroy, as long as you pay them, I don't know, $5 or whatever, you can run your nasty, dirty background check on anybody you want to.

No questions asked, which does raise the question: if I can just go to a website to get background checks done on anybody I want, anytime I want, why do I need a private investigator?

Because it seems like oh, you have to pay an annual fee to log into the thing.

Yeah, they have the bookmarks saved already and the passwords are already in there.

It's just like it's a long password.

I've done that.

I ran background checks on you guys.

And also, if someone figures out what you're doing and they try to bring the heat to you, you need a real, a dick, a long gone daddy with Fists of Steel who can come be in your corner and help punch you out of the jam, you know?

Yeah, for sure.

This guy sounds cool.

Tell me more about him, Juice.

Yeah, I was going to go down an avenue of like joking about background checks on you guys, but now I'm in the background.

That's more of this long gone daddy with me.

This long gone daddy with Fist of Steel who's in my corner because I wanted to find out about Tom Holland or Tom Hardy or both of them.

Are they going to beat up Tom Hardy for me?

No,

that's all the

detective stuff that I know oh okay cool there's a long gone daddy with fists of steel that's that's a very selective miles of shoe leather that's from it was from a Bruce McCullough song that I was remembering and then I don't remember any more of it so that's okay you need somebody to hire your PI company to investigate you

yeah now

I'm investigating the PI companies and that is what I'm offering to you sharks huh

so a public investigation company of the private there's a lot of private investigators.

Where's the public investigator who just stands on a street corner like, you guys know, you know, Steve?

There should be a free service that solves crimes.

Yes, right.

Why haven't we invented that yet?

Right.

Are you worried?

If you guys got a background investigation done on yourself, I figure there's three possibilities, right?

One, there's stuff on there you weren't expecting.

Stuff on there, like not stuff on there that should have been on there.

Or like, yeah, that's me.

Which one of those three options is the most

satisfying to you

i mean uh i would want it to be accurate i i would hope i wouldn't want it to have a bunch of i don't want it to feel fun like if i wanted a background check and i got a background check and i was like yeah that's it i mean what do you want to be on there i guess trav i don't know find out a secret about myself i didn't know You know what I always hope for?

You don't see this as much because the internet, but when I was a kid, they used to publish these big lists of people that the government owed money to.

Like, come get this money, we got the money for you, come get it.

And I would love to discover something like that.

That would be great if they're like, secretly, the government has $400 for you.

No problem.

Well, I've talked about before, I think on the show, Griffin and I have very similar social security numbers, and that's because apparently, um, our parents didn't get me one when I was born, and then Griffin was born, and they were like, We'll just get them both done at the same time.

And that's efficient.

You, when you got three rowdy boys, sometimes you got to look for little corners you can cut.

Hey, folks, before you start judging our parents, they didn't have like cell phones.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

And I looked it up because for a long time I was like, that seems shady because they didn't let me leave the hospital with my kids until I had one.

And that apparently didn't start until like 1997.

But for a long time, I was like, there's a story.

Off the grid.

If I started talking, if we started talking too much as kids, they didn't have an iPad they could give us.

They had to do it the old-fashioned way.

Just turn the iPad.

Turn the lights off.

Face down on the carpet and then run out of the room real fast mr mr beast wasn't even alive yet no mr beast

mr beast was dead he was mr bean

our mr beast was mr bean that's how when mr beast was just mr bean in because mr bean mr wizard mr beast our mr beast was an old man who would show up at your house and give you a check from the publisher's clearing house and we like that was our mr beast he didn't do anything fun he didn't make blood sports for everyone to compete in.

What reason could there be?

I got enemied, and there's a version of me out there walking around.

Maybe you've seen them.

They are getting a lot of fights, and they run a lot of stop signs, and they're getting me in a lot of trouble.

So I need to check my background because I have forgotten which one of us is the real one.

I watched Enemy on a Plane, and I think that's what happens in that film.

It's just called Enemy?

Is it called Enemy on a Plane?

It's not called Enemy on a Plane.

That would be cool.

It would be a much more condensed version of the film if there were two Jake Gyllenhaus on the same plane.

To be honest,

we don't have to look for each other.

That's how I feel every time I get on a plane, and somebody immediately hits me weird, and I'm like, that's my enemy on this plane.

Whatever that person, I see them out of the corner of my eye.

What is it?

They're making faces when the baby's crying.

Truly

an unhinged way to live your life.

You guys guys don't do that?

You don't create a little Kfabe wherever you go?

I don't need rivals.

Like, I already have so many haters crawling out of the woodwork to come and grab my stash.

Sometimes it's nice to just have a little private ire towards someone where you're saying, I don't like that, but they'll never know it.

I have something like that, and it's the opposite.

And it's called Getting Through the Day.

And it's where I have to tell myself, you love this person.

You're all just trying to get through.

Everyone's doing that.

I'm not going to act on it.

It's not like, and I've decided to say so it's just like when they do something makes me feel superior

you gotta you're not hate judgment your thoughts have energy right yes oh you gotta they're you're you're telling your heart that with your brain yeah

powering the plane with my energy some people are really susceptible to that stuff some people are travest i'm a big energy guy

Haven't you noticed that, Trav?

He's got a lot of things.

I haven't noticed that.

He's more of an energy guy.

I mean, look at him.

He's doing jazz hands.

Ooh, Travis, even you saying that gave out a pulse, gave out a pulse, a different vibration, and I'm feeling it now.

And I got to say, it put a bad taste in my mouth.

So what you're saying, Griffin, is that I'm sending negativity to you.

And you're feeling.

You're doing it right now to me, right now.

And I'm picking it up with my dish.

Tell your boss you're looking for a new job and you're worried about what's going to show up on your background check.

And then if it's bad, tell your boss on second thought, I guess I'll stay here.

I'm worried about some stuff that may or may not be about to come to the service.

And I, this is for you, because if I'm in your employee when this stuff comes out, it's not good for anybody.

And then, and then at the end of the day, you're like, I remember earlier, I just want to say, psych, sonic, sonic, sonic, sonic, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Here's another question, please.

How do I show a hairdresser what kind of hair I want without

showing them a photo of Sonic's dad from the Sonic movies played by James Marston?

That's from Sonic 3 is four out of five stars.

That's good.

That's a great rating for that.

That film's so stupid and so much fucking fun.

I can't recommend Sonic 3 enough.

Am I going to see Sonic 3 by myself?

Did you see Sonic 2?

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah, you got to see Sonic 3.

Love this little guy.

I can't get enough off him.

Why not show him a picture of James Marsters?

No.

James Marster's is a different guy.

It's one of the hardest things to remember in life is which one each one is and this is something that we all struggle with all the time yeah i think if it's it's t if it's marsters they're coming from the top if it's marsden

it's a bear in a den that's how i remember yeah that's the good that's the good mnemonic device you could show him um i just spitballing here a picture of james marsters from James Marston.

I did it too.

You show a picture of James Marston from any other project.

If I could recommend,

what is the jury show?

Jury Duty, that's a good one.

He's great in that.

What about just like a series of James Marsden from different things?

And I could look like this guy from X-Men or this guy from Sonic or this guy from Superman Returns.

They're like, hey, these are all James Marsden.

That's weird.

I guess we're not.

You know, now that you mention it, that is weird.

Yeah.

What incredible, incredible hair James Marsden has.

I am looking at Jordan and it's like consistent.

It's so rock steady but it it looks stylish it's like rock steady in a shaggy way it's amazing like it looks like it always looks great i mean this is what i'm like aspiring to and can never juice i think you're juice honestly i think you are you are close getting closer all the time i'm looking at your hair i'm looking at james marston hair it's not that different problem is james marston hair in the sonic movies is not consistent he's growing with sonic isn't he as sonic like an emotional hair if you compare sonic 1

Sonic's dad to Sonic 3 Sonic's dad, I feel like as the radical attitude of Sonic has

teaching him, helping him to grow, I think he's got a little bit more of a waterfall in the back.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

It's fun.

God, he looks so cool.

Sonic, okay.

James Marsden has hair like in a video game where you're building a character and like Stardew, for example, and you put a haircut on him and it's like, that's their hair.

It's the platonic every time you see them.

this is standard hair i love about james marsden tell me now there's a lot i'm getting worked up yeah as here's what i love about james marsden is that it all seems attainable a lot of guys yeah a lot of guys you look at these brad pitts you know and you're like no they're different different eschewing you look at james marsden and folks

If you don't do this, you're going to laugh, but you look at James Marsden.

There's something about him where you're like,

maybe, maybe if I, I guess I could, hmm, I guess he's approachable, right?

When in reality, you don't mean approachable, like approachable, and like talking to, you mean approachable I could approach that level.

I could, you know, it's like, I think most straight white men want to be James Marston, but they can't realize when they've gotten there and they just keep pushing

George Clooney, but they would be happy to be James Marston.

That's not true.

That's not true.

I don't want to be him in the same way I don't want to be some sort of space angel.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I can't be a horse.

I can't just become a unicorn.

I see.

But James Marston,

if I put

a lot of work, a lot of work into my opinion.

Like, yeah.

I mean, if I put a...

I don't know, man.

He's got a jawline.

It's not, but the fact that you're right is immaterial.

Okay, I see what you're saying.

You know what I'm saying?

It's a mental.

It's a mental thing, right?

But I also think that makes it easy to root for James Marston.

Because it's like, he's like one of us.

You know, like when someone, like, you're watching whatever the one where, oh, what's his face?

Marky, Mark, Mark Wahlberg gets to play for the Eagles.

And it's like, he's one of us.

He's made it.

When I see James Marsden out there doing it, I'm like, yeah, man, there's a handsome version of myself.

Travis, yes.

It's so wild that this super handsome dude that got to be Cyclops at X-Men, I'm still like, come on, James.

You can get that.

You can get him.

But you're rooting for him.

You can get what?

But you're rooting for James Marston.

He's in like the only movies people go see anymore.

He was in X-Mid.

He's Super Mars.

And Superman.

Yeah.

He's Superman.

His hair is gray.

He got cucked by Superman.

He's fine.

He's doing just fine.

If I mewed hard enough for long enough, do you think I could get a James Marston chin?

I'm going to say yes, even though the answer is no, but I feel yes.

I don't think I know how to do it.

So he's a Sigma Chad is what you're saying.

I can't get into the latest.

Is James Marsden a Sigma Chad?

I can really stretch my neck muscles out like a fucking frog.

Are you guys seeing this shit?

When I'm mew, I feel like I'm just hiding a gross anthrax egg in my mouth.

Okay.

I got a wiki.

Do you want to talk more about how handsome and talented and funny James Marston is?

Because if you do.

We'll save that for the Patreon exclusive.

Here's the thing.

I feel like, you know, in my brain, I have a number of likelihood of most people of whether or not they could ever be on an episode of Clubhouse or something.

Yeah.

And James Marsden's is like weirdly high

in a way that I don't think reflects reality, but like

I'm like at a 30%,

like a 20% chance

that we could get James Marsden's.

It's weird that that feels right.

He has really cast a spell on you, Justin.

20% is low, I will remind you.

For sure.

If someone told you you had a 20% chance of winning the lottery, you'd be buying a ticket every day.

And those two

equivalent.

I mean, Griffin, tell me about your wiki.

Tell me about your wiki.

Hadn't done one in a while.

This one was sent to me by a lot of people.

A lot of people sent this one, and I do appreciate it.

And it's

how to have an imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend.

Huh.

Inventing an imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend is easy.

All it takes is imagination.

Yeah, no shit.

Well, yeah,

dude.

Well, of course.

It depends on, I would say, what your end goal is.

Because you could have a, you're right.

Yeah, you could have a non-imaginative imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend well i'm saying if i'm trying to have an imaginary partner in order to convince people i have an imaginary partner then maybe a powerful imagination is actually detrimental that's true wow that's true yeah so maybe this whole article we're about to read is going to be wrong and it's just going to be like don't say anything about them yeah keep it keep it open and empty so that you can not get caught at any point

Here's, let's start out with create your partner beforehand.

Have a firm grasp of who they are, where they're from, what they do, et cetera, before sharing them with anyone.

So that's the opposite of what I just said.

Yes.

So

maybe I was,

I think maybe let's go with the wiki on this one because they probably put more work into thinking about stuff.

Can you imagine if you decided

I'm going to convince like my coworkers that I'm dating someone and you show up.

And you're like, yeah, I started dating this new person.

And then you spend an hour and a half listing off everything about them.

And then they're like, how long have you guys been dating?

And you're like, two weeks.

Two weeks.

It's been a passionate, mostly text-based,

mostly text-based release.

You listed off their height in centimeters.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Those are the kinds of things that are important when you're getting to know someone.

She's from London, England.

So

to make her feel comfortable, I have gone metric.

Don't give yourself away by taking the time to think up lies on the spot.

That's true.

I've been watching a lot of traders.

I think I beat ass of that show because I can always tell if someone pauses for even a microsecond, I catch that shit like bull.

I catch that shit like bull easy.

My wait, but like bull from nightcore?

Bull.

Bull from bull.

Bull from the movie bull.

It's a TV show as well.

My secret talent in this area would be if I was trying to like trick people with this kind of thing is that I genuinely don't remember a lot of stuff that people or don't know.

You have plausible deniability.

Plausible deniability, like where people are like, and this guy and this and this and yada, yada, yada.

Like, I probably legitimately do not.

I do not recall if that was the case or not.

And I feel like that would be enough of a smokescreen.

Like, I believe I do have a Canadian partner

of some sort.

What province?

I don't know.

Province, I don't know.

What

did you get event called?

Make it memorable, I guess, is what Justin is saying.

Like, pick a name like, like, Jameson Hard Rock, and like, you won't forget, you won't forget that.

or start forgetting important stuff months out like okay cool where it's like oh I drive a um

I want to say red like you know like oh about yourself too yeah where you where if people later months later are like tell me about your boyfriend and you go up on details yeah it's like that's you that's par for the call that's them you that's you often forget large that's helpful for a lot of stuff too I imagine yeah not just it's called it's called lowering expectations and it's probably my superpower keep your partner believable.

Expect people to ask questions about them.

Keep your answers grounded in what you know for sure.

Expect people to ask questions about them is interesting.

This is what you know for sure.

Right.

Them not being real at all.

I don't know that when someone says I'm dating someone new, I might ask a couple questions.

I don't think I'm going to get that deep into what province are they from.

I also,

okay.

If you're someone who feels the need to invent a partner to convince people you have a partner.

Yeah.

The idea that you're going to seamlessly slip it into conversation in a way that makes people ask a lot of questions is also expecting a lot from you.

Yeah.

This is, this is interesting, though, because as an addendum to this point, it says, either give your imaginary partner an upbringing similar to your own so you can speak about it with authority or grew up in my house.

You're me.

Or model them on someone you know well enough to borrow a plausible background like a best friend, roommate, or cousin.

that's troubling maybe not that one's troubling

yeah their name yeah how did i meet them uh our dads are brothers

their name is susan mclroy

no it's cool man we did 23 and meet and it's four people back so it's four so it's five i think that's cool uh tell use the truth whenever possible bolster stories about your partner with real details huh if you tell people about a date or day trip you went on with your partner, use places you've actually been to.

Okay.

Real details from stuff you've done.

That's really good.

This is kind of lying 101.

I love all this.

I think this is all great stuff.

This person is overcomplicating it, though.

I have found with the

rapid growth in Hallmark original Christmas productions that you really don't need to go through all this trouble.

If you look around, there is probably someone pretending to be a boyfriend or girlfriend near you at any given moment.

You can hop into one of these productions.

Yeah.

Like that, you don't, that's scripted.

You know what I mean?

Or if you fake it long enough, imagine eventually people are going to start filming scenes with you for inclusion in a whole game.

And

if there's one thing I've learned from movies and TV shows, it's that especially if you want to move up in the corporate world, they feel more comfortable giving those kinds of jobs to married people.

It's all they seem to talk about in movies.

So

you should be able to just find another person in that similar position.

Uh-huh.

Right.

And just say, like, hey, you also want to be like CEO of the, of a company.

I do too.

Right.

But we need to be married before they'll let us do this.

You're so far outside the purview of this question.

You're so lost in the subject.

But that's not in there?

Getting married, having a sham marriage is actually not involved with how to have an imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend.

That's an easy one.

Just roll up wearing a wedding ring one day.

I'm just like, okay, I'm married.

You are still so far outside of your jurisdiction in this question question and what it's trying to do.

Oh, I didn't mean to cross state lines.

I'm just saying it's asking how to imagine a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and you're saying how to have a sham marriage.

Well, I once again point out, Griffin, that the title isn't how to convince other people that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, right?

Because this is not a good way to do that.

This could be fun.

Yeah, no, this could just be a fun little exercise for you.

Give a good reason for their absence.

When you create your imaginary party, you think

space?

They're in space.

They're astronauts.

not that they need space no they have too much of it frankly they're up there in it and i they're not going to be back here for 45 years actually they are traveling to mars my boyfriend you mean dr gideon

strongfoot he's in that he's in outer space right now on the issue yeah he's just going to be hurt the space elevator doors just closed he's on his way up man oh wait he's going to give you a call from him now i can't hear you over the loud space toilet dr gideon hardfoot

this is going to be hard for you to understand but he is currently hurtling away from me but he's going to perform what's called a temporal pincer maneuver yeah he's going to slingshot around the sun through a black hole and he's actually going to be here in time for dinner with us tonight but if he's not here now

he will be here later but in this reality listen it will just change outer space always has been

as long as you're imagining this partner why not go the full go the whole nine yards and tell them the absence the reason my partners are here?

They're a vampire can't come out during the day.

That's a real problem for them at night.

He's hunting and protecting me from the werewolf faction that's always trying to and then they're like what vampires aren't real and you're like neither's my boyfriend so now who looks stupid it's just like if you're going to suggest stuff that they clearly said in the question you can't do then you are really not living within the sort of the strictures that have been granted to you like they did say to not make it imaginative imaginative, and you're like giving them leathery batwings so they can rule over.

So they can fight and suck blood and live forever.

It's a fantastical world, and I think it's great.

But again, it's slightly outside the purview.

Can you point to a little earbud you have in your ear and say, it's a her.

It's a her.

I can't, you won't be able to see them because I've got a her in my ear from the movie her.

It's so we're inventing to impress people.

You're inventing the AI girlfriend.

Vampire, out of the question.

AI girlfriend.

That is

the big boss upstairs.

Go a different way.

And they're like, how come we've never met them?

And be like, well, it's pretty rocky.

Things haven't been going very well between us.

It's not a good relationship.

So you're trying to get a person with a bad relationship.

People won't ask questions.

That's actually really good.

No one's going to ask questions after that.

Howard is that you don't get along very well, but

we simply do not like each other very much.

But neither one of us is ready to pull the trigger on it.

So, you know, be

consistent.

Come up with one story, the tale of my amazing new partner, and stick to that one story with everyone you know.

They put it in the middle.

Did you write that title of that story?

Come up with one story, parentheses, quote, the tale of my amazing new partner.

What's that, Susan?

You'd like to

hear the tale of my amazing new partner.

Sit down by the fire.

Let me favor you with it, Susan.

Derek, play upon the pipe.

Accompany me.

Yes, a tale I know well.

They They suggest keeping a diary of events you've done.

Also, keeping up to date with weather in the city where they live

so that you could talk about, well, she's trapped in the freak blizzard.

It's what it says.

Starting to feel like a lot of work.

It is a lot.

I got to tell, I wish if you want to convince people, you're everybody, if you want to convince people you're not weird and you're normal, you got to stop doing weird things.

Like, you got, you're trying to convince people that you're a normal, cool person.

Yeah, has a and that's all we and that's all we need.

That's all we want for

you.

You have to live within that truth.

And for me, that means not looking at the weather in the city where your imaginary girlfriend lives.

That's why you're weird.

You have to stop doing things.

Trying to be weird enough that you become cool.

is not going exactly like i'm i'm so uh like no one goes so off the rails that they find themselves back on other rails where they're like i'm so

so weird that everyone thinks it's like cool and working for me i convince everyone i'm cool by being so weird this this next step seems

god i'm impossible that would have been such a huge sound tick tock is it gonna do you think it's still gonna be there by the time this episode comes out time this episode is up this is tick tock i'm thinking there's a oh last minute hail mary hail mary for sure save it come on so this one's impossible enlist someone you trust to help

Coach them on who your partner is, what they look like, how they interact with people, what they like, and what they don't like to talk about.

If I had this person in my life,

I wouldn't need to invent an imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend.

If I had someone who I could trust so deeply that I could get them in on the con of my imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend, any sort of intimacy needs or human connection that I need, I have that incredible friend.

Could you thread the needle on a romantic comedy where a guy insists the help of his girl best friend in inventing a

girlfriend?

Yeah.

And he doesn't see the girl that loves him is right there because he's so busy inventing a girlfriend that doesn't exist.

That's cool.

It's definitely a movie that already exists.

That's 10 movies.

Now, here's what's more interesting, right?

Especially if your co-workers are like have been in relationship for a while or are married.

Don't invent a fake boyfriend or girlfriend.

Invent a fake potential boyfriend or girlfriend that you're like, oh, there's some sparks, right?

Like, I don't know, I really like them.

I don't know how they feel about me.

That's interesting.

There's tension there.

Once you're like in the relationship, after a while, it's like, okay, cool, man.

Please stop talking about this.

That's also all I want to hear about, too.

You're like, oh,

I'm 44.

If you like, you think there's something sparking with you in the flinty coffee shop guy, like, great, man.

Let's hear about that.

Yeah, especially if I start to suspect you're making making it up then i'm gonna get even more oh

every single detail this next step is where i think it maybe goes too far and it is to give your partner an online presence okay here is you you've lost

you're catfishing yourself you're matt fishing if your name is matt yeah yeah you're just fishing i think at this point uh you're actually putting catfish into the water is like

trading your

yeah what is that called you're you're you're opening up the the uh the plane sluice dropping yeah thousands of pounds you've set up your own like trout cannon or whatever they're called seeding the pond i saw that happen once when i was a reporter for the iron to tribute i was there when they drew this brought this huge stupid truck and they sent a reporter man this huge stupid truck to the back of lake vesuvius they just open it out and there's about a million of the most fucking confused fish you've ever seen in your entire

blasting out of it you put apart guys there was probably 200 fucking people just like yeah

and i was one of them because that's amazing there was so many fish i wish justin that you had the scientific capabilities to interview one of those fish because the story they're gonna tell of like i don't know man like i don't know what's happening i don't know where i am

fascinating guys if you are good at internet and you start digging through the iron Tree Tribune website, you could probably find a picture that I took

with the headline, I don't fucking know, man.

It was wild.

Look at all these fish.

Check this shit out.

Let's go to the money zone.

I'll tell you who's really got my number, who ran a background check on me and knows everything that they need to know to do what they need to do and do it right.

And that is Stitch Fix.

Stitch Fix, I've been using it for a while.

Always look forward to getting a box of duds.

But using Stitch Fix taught me about my personal style.

And so I found some brands elsewhere that I found and I liked the clothes, liked the way it fit.

You know what's happened, guys?

Stitch Fix has started to send me stuff from those freaking brands.

They've got me so dialed in.

Their oracles, their fashion oracles,

have seen my future and they know exactly what I like.

Can I try some of these boxes?

Yeah, sure.

Here's the thing about these duds.

They're no duds.

What do you think?

Yeah, I like it.

Yeah.

These duds aren't duds.

There's probably a cleaner.

These duds aren't duds.

There's no duds here.

No duds here.

No duds in these duds.

No duds.

So all of that was to say that Stitch Fix is good at what they do, and that is

sending you stuff to try on, and then you keep what you want, and you send back what you want.

And they all explode.

They don't explode.

What explodes?

With fashion?

Because they're not duds.

No, come on.

Oh, like, these are live fire.

These are fireworks.

No, I know what they're there.

I don't actually think.

Let me see.

Hold on.

Yeah, the copy doesn't mention anything about jazzing up what their whole brand and like what their whole identity is.

It doesn't say, let me, no, there's some stuff in here about like you get a stylist and then they

figure out yourself.

Yeah.

But it doesn't say anything about jazz up a tagline for us, Travi.

Well, no, that's implied, but there's an assumed surplus.

Yeah, cool.

I do like Stitch Fix a lot.

It's got personal styling.

I'm wearing Stitch Fix right now.

Yes, I have Stitch Fix jeans on, and they've always, they know what makes my tuck is work.

They do.

Personal styling for everyone.

Get started today at stitchfix.com slash brother.

That's stitchfix.com slash brother.

You know,

eating great nutritious stuff doesn't have to be hard.

It can be easy, actually.

And that's a surprise to you at this point in your life.

You've been told lies.

That's right.

I'm here to tell you the truth about Marley Spoon.

Hi.

You want to fast track your way to eating well without the stress?

Check out Marley Spoon.

They give you over 100 recipes to choose from every week.

They got cozy comfort food like a beef stroganoff or maybe something a little lighter fair.

Like a more like strogan on salmon and creamy mustard dill sauce tray bake.

Imagine.

They just launched a new 15-minute express recipes.

That's going to be great for me and my busy family.

They put three of these in the menu every week.

You got a few extra minutes to spare.

They also have 20-minute options, too, if you want to

press for time.

But, Justin,

do they have anything from Martha Stewart?

Yeah, they got at least two of Martha's incredible recipes every single week.

And if you're, you know, got to check that out.

If you don't trust Martha, who can you?

Do they have any recipes from French Stewart?

That is.

Yeah, they do.

Yep.

Actually, they won't.

He ghost rode a lot of these.

That man's got a palate you would not believe.

This new year, fast-track your way to eating well with Marley Spoon.

Head on over to marleyspoon.com/slash offer/slash my brother and use code my brother for up to 27 free meals.

That's right, up to 27 free meals a whole year.

One last time, that's Marley Spoon.

That's

not,

man.

Yes, I love Marley Spoon.

I eat two every month.

They send you these two-week turbo meals, each one worth 140,000 calories.

They stuff you up so bad.

Yeah, man.

Believe it.

And

if you try to slice it up, they know.

In one.

They won't send you anymore.

They're never going to do this again.

We always fuck up.

There's not enough advertisers for us to keep doing this.

You got to stop doing this.

Marley's okay, let's be clear then.

Marley Spoon doesn't send you giant, brick-like 120,000-calorie turbo meals.

They send you normal meals.

Head on over to marleyspoon.com/slash offer slash my brother and use offer code my brother for up to 27 free meals.

And make sure you use our promo code, my brother, so they know we sent you.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

When should I stop telling people to have a good night?

I work overnights at a truck stop, typically from 10 p.m.

to 6 a.m.

And my heart says morning starts at 5 a.m.

Because that's the...

time they announce a new day and animal crossing, but it feels weird to wish people a good night at 4.30 a.m.

Am I wrong about when morning starts?

Is there a time-neutral way to wish someone well?

That's from Time Sensitive in Texas.

I wanted to talk about this because this, look, I have a couple, and I know these are me, weird hang-ups about this.

And one is like,

good morning feels like such a greeting, good night feels like such a like parting, right?

It also feels weird at like 11:30 a.m.

that I would say good morning.

Yeah.

But then it's like, well, afternoon is until afternoon.

Like, there's so many of like weird.

Is it weird that if you walk up to someone at a truck stop and they're like, good morning, you'd be like, no, good morning.

If you walk up to someone at a truck stop and they're like, good night.

I love you.

This is what I'm saying.

Should I leave?

No, good night.

Good night.

Do you want me to, should I go?

But there's a different...

This isn't good night.

This is.

What if they say, now explain this one to me?

Good evening.

Like if they say that, that's weird.

Don't let them in.

Good evening is welcoming.

Good night is get out of here.

Have a good night is a blessing.

Have a good night has a power and an intention behind it.

And I think that it's really strong.

And I love a have a good night.

I'll take a have a good night over a good morning in the middle.

I think this is what Griffin is hitting on here, right?

I think it's about what's in front of you.

So if you, if you think this, it's a judgment on the person, I think, because what you're really saying is have a good rest of your day.

Uh-huh.

If this person seems to be starting their day, that makes sense.

But if they seem to be wrapping up, like heading to bed, then it's good night.

But I think it's contextual to the person.

What about

what do you guys think about have a good one?

I love have a good one.

Hey, have a good one.

Have a good one.

Like you finish your transaction at this truck stop.

You say have a good one.

Could be have a good drive.

I'd

sleep.

Have a good one.

That's probably my number.

Have a good one.

Is like,

for me, it's some combination of have a good one, hang in there.

Yeah.

Stay safe.

Stay safe.

Stay safe.

Stay safe.

Stay safe.

And keep your head on a swivel.

Keep your head on a swivel.

Oh, and if I like the person, sometimes they're going to keep it sleazy.

Yeah, that's nice.

Or take her.

Take her sleeve.

Take it sleazy.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

Have fun out there.

Hang in.

Hang in there.

Hang in there, China.

Hang in there is a good one because I think everybody needs to,

like, I think everybody would welcome a hang in there.

It's a good confirmation that your situation requires hanging in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you where we could really improve this whole thing because obviously the fabric of society is just unraveling before we speak.

And we fit.

I'm working on it.

We got to fuse it back together and make a little bit more connection in our life.

Instead of good morning, let's swap out the good part.

for something more direct or actionable.

Oh my God.

Strong.

Strong, you're like, bad morning.

No, no, no.

That's not not what I'm saying either, Justin.

I'm saying give them a direction, like strong morning.

Brave morning.

Ooh.

And then you're telling them, like, you're going to, you should be brave this.

Be brave to have a powerful.

All I ever want is for us to just now.

Now, a lot of our like, the things that we say are from sort of our naval or mariner history.

And it's especially common and cultural.

Right.

Do you mean about like us as mackerels, our naval history?

Us as a people.

And I, I feel like the, I always am very drawn to greetings and stuff about about the sea, right?

Or the winds.

May the winds, you know,

may the winds find

fair winds find find you on the sea of adventure, you know.

Yeah.

Even you saying that there gave me douche chills, Juice, I'm being honest.

If anyone hit me with a fair winds, Traveler.

Fair winds.

No, okay.

But if I walk into a truck stop at 2 a.m.

and the person behind the counter is like, fair winds, traveler, I will, I'm good.

That will help me out immensely.

I would be fucking stoked, actually, and I will probably linger because that's pretty cool.

As a shopkeep, as a shopkeep, as a vendor or shopkeep, you can hit me with a fair wins, traveler.

Okay,

how many times would they have to say greetings, weary traveler, before it becomes so natural for that?

I don't like.

There's only no professional.

No, an innkeep, a hotel manager could hit me with a greetings, weary traveler.

I will turn around.

I will get on hotels tonight.

I will find different lines.

I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm so of your bones by the slipping machine.

No, I don't need that.

Come in.

Sup upon our pretzel doll.

If it's going to be novel, it has to be a goodbye because I need to be out of there.

I need to know that I'm not about to hang out with you.

If it's a goodbye, though, you've opened yourself up to like the...

Sorry, what'd you say?

What was that?

And then you have to be like, I said fair winds, traveler.

May Rise's Glory keep thee.

Sorry.

Rise is glory keep thee.

Yeah.

But then you get, you know what you do, Juice?

You can leave then because you're done with that.

You don't have to hang out in that moment.

Yeah, that's true.

But if you start with doing it regardless, if you hit them with greetings and then then say fair winds traveler i feel like you've started to set the sound in order to them being a character yeah where you're like oh greetings it is good trevs that's good that is good if you open if you give someone a little hint that like hey i'm kind of a cut up yeah you're gonna want to watch out for me i've got i don't think you can animate it that you can't be like ah greetings oh greetings and then you can hit them with fair winds traveler right at the end Yeah, and they're like, oh, there's a bookend here.

Now the pattern makes sense.

Now, when they pay, pay you'd have to say uh that will be 20 coin of the realm and just see how see you're making me uncomfortable

that energy king silver

i mean it's fun are you willing to barter i'll take three chickens for this slim gym i need to be warned before going into this business that there is going to be some creative anachronism taking place inside of it or else it is entrapment if there's a sign on the door if it's decked out like a tavern and there's chickens outside the gas station, I know, like, okay, going in here, it's going to be a medieval times experience for me and my kids.

Then that is okay.

Yeah, I find a lot, but it's just a Sunoco and then there's just a sign on the bathroom door that says privy.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's the only thing in the whole place.

You pop into a 7-Eleven and there's a sorcerer.

Behind the counter.

I'm not ready.

I wasn't ready for that.

But I love it.

It depends on how long I've been traveling at that point.

If I'm 10 minutes away from my house, how weary are you?

I'm not ready for that.

If it's like hour eight of the drive and there's a sorcerer at the 7-Eleven,

I'm good for another four hours of driving.

Um,

4 a.m.

4 a.m.

feels good to me.

I think it's 6, man.

Good dawn.

6 a.m.

Sunrise.

I think it's sunrise.

Because then it's dawn and then it's morning.

6 a.m.

is the, is for me

the cutoff where if we have like a flight the next day for tour and I know that I have to wake up before 6, that's

the night before.

This is a problem.

Like this is a huge like it's like I'll recheck that like certainly I'm not doing this math right.

I can't be waking up before 6 a.m.

Okay.

That's not right.

Okay, but all joking aside

guys it's midnight right night dawn morning afternoon evening.

You're You're trying to quantify something that can't be.

There is no

time.

Night ends when the sun comes up.

When does evening begin?

Afternoon, five o'clock.

It's five o'clock somewhere.

Afternoon, you said afternoon.

That's interesting.

Afternoon.

So maybe there's not a firm limit.

It's five o'clock.

It's all abstract.

It's all this is what we're doing.

Okay, but we know that like the sun goes down, night begins.

The sun comes up, day begins.

If someone at 4:30 is like, have a good night.

that's crazy

enjoy the rest 4 30 it's time to part it is time to go I if I'm up at 4 30 it's the next day if I'm in the gas station at 3 30 maybe I have I'm coming home from a very long day here's the problem it's a societal problem and not a time problem we need problems with our society yeah we need to start having indicators that let me the shopkeep know if you're heading home or heading out.

Okay.

Right.

So that way, if you're heading home, right, after a night shift and you're going to bed, it is night for you.

You're going to bed.

Oh, but you just woken up and it's still early.

It's morning for you.

Not only this would be very difficult, but you're, as a truck station attendant, one of the, is supremely well positioned to see what they're putting in their body.

Right.

If you're, if you're, uh, my grandpa Dan, when he was up late driving for the railroad and he would stop at a truck stop, he would get a chocolate milk and a big bottle of cedrin for the caffeine and for his headaches.

That was his thing.

If I see someone getting a big bottle of Ecedrin and chocolate milk, they're not going to sleep.

You know what I mean?

Are you sure about that?

They got a lot of best, his best vehicle for caffeine was Excedrin.

I know.

Yeah.

I know.

That's why he's such an unhappy dad.

If I

we should just have a little bit of okay.

What?

I want a munch.

I want two months.

Welcome to Squadron's Podcast of the Podcast profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating.

I got two big stories.

That's why I had to cut us off previously.

I got two big stories.

Here's the first one.

Pop-tarts, Krispy Kreme.

They're doing it.

Huh?

Okay.

Yeah.

Prop Tarts beginning today for a limited time at participating shops.

And I don't have a Krispy Kreme in Huntington, so I'm probably gonna have to drive to Charleston Pop Tarts is doing a Krispy Kreme Calabo Krispy Kreme popping off the new year with three insanely tasty new donuts we got a Pop-Tarts frosted strawberry donut which is an unglazed shell always so appetizing when they put it that way uh filled with strawberry filling dipped in shortbread icing and topped with shortbread pieces sugar sprinkles strawberry filling drizzle and a frosted pop-tart bites piece that's a lot of shit man.

Hey, Justin.

Can I have a moment to say something about these donuts and Pop-Tarts?

One,

it's really blurring the lines because this is in a wild, like, Pop-Tarts and Donut are not that far apart.

They're friends.

In the, like, if I'm breaking down by species, phylum kingdom, whatever, right?

Yeah.

And so to say we put strawberry icing and like a cream cheese topping so now it's like a pop-tart donut

and even looking at this picture at least for two out of the three styles they've gone to the effort of just gluing on a little

pop-tart so yeah the little pop-tart fascinator on some of these is what i really want to get to yeah i love that but the third design you don't even get that

well

That's true, but it's a donut based on a Pop-Tart.

So like, I don't know what you...

But you can't tell me strawberry icing, the new thing in donuts.

It's strawberry filling, a shortbread icing with pieces of shortbread on it.

This just feels so corporate.

They don't make Pop-Tarts bite.

This doesn't feel inspired the way that donuts normally do.

This feels like a cash grab.

It's a cash grab.

That's true, Trev.

That's actually like, wow.

I hadn't even thought about that.

Yeah, man.

I think they're just doing this to sell donuts.

I don't think this is about the passion.

I expect better from Kelanova, a leader in global snacking, international cereal and noodles.

Usually they're in it for the heart.

They have the heart of the heart.

A snacking company.

They're doing a bound sugar one and a chocolatey fudge donut one.

Cream, Krispy Kreme and Pop-Tarts were coming together for the very first time.

And you know, the result will be crazy good, says Dave Skinna, Krispy Kreme

Chief growth officer.

You need to pick a voice for Dave Skinna, Justin.

Well, Dave Skinna's voice

Count Dona does it is different from the Dave Skinna voice when I do it.

It actually, for a second, I thought, why is this so weird to me?

And then I realized Count Dona is not his shit.

Krispy Kreme and Pop-Tart fans will love kicking off the air with this delicious collaboration.

Now, what is let's check in with Kelanova.

What do they have to say about this?

Pop-tarts aren't just for the toaster.

They can infuse culinary creativity to delight consumers.

Krispy Cream has done an incredible job of bringing this opportunity to life, combining their iconic doughnuts with the beloved flavors of Pop-Tarts to create a truly one-of-a-kind experience for fans of both brands.

We're proud of this partnership to bring crazy good to donuts and donut lovers in unexpected ways.

Can you words mean things, and saying a one-in-a-lifetime, once-in-a-lifetime experience in a lifetime?

The idea that I'm going to eat this donut and then begin to weep because nothing will ever match that exact experience again.

That's like, this is, I can never know this again.

I also love when a press release refers to me as a consumer.

That's awesome.

Because

that makes it feel like this press release should be barking at me from a loudspeaker in the corner of my house.

And every morning they deliver a hot and fresh.

Oh, hey, who's this?

Who that is?

That's

one of the Mannings.

The younger Manning, I believe.

Elijah.

When I start this, before I start this press release,

I got this up for you guys.

You could just kind of tell me what's happening here while I pull the press release.

It's like Eli Manning is holding a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch.

A human bottle of ranch is holding a real bottle of ranch.

And he squirted either some of himself or the ranch dressing bottle onto a big pepperoni pizza.

And his face and body language is a shrug.

He is making the littlest stinker face I've ever seen.

Now, what do you see?

He's apologizing.

Let's get more details, though.

Let's get more details, guys.

What else do you see?

Give me more details.

So it's

Hidden Valley Ranch has partnered with Pizza Hut

to make a signature ranch pizza.

And then I see just down here at the bottom, Justin, score a one-of-a-kind resin-encased collectible.

Is it bottle of ranch or pizza or Eli Manning?

Let's get a resin-encased Eli Manning.

No, a pizza.

A resin-en-cased, collectible Pizza hut pizza that Eli Manning has signed with Ranch Trust.

Holy shit.

That's what we're seeing scrolled across the pizza.

So we've got three images here that you can use

for this.

One of these three,

for the big game, you got to have big prizes.

And the new easy squeeze bottle from Hidden Valley Ranch is so

exciting.

and powerful.

Can you scroll back up?

The second image is killing.

So fucking good, man.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Even the 10 other winners' prize.

Can I tell you the 10 other winners will receive a year's supply of Hidden Valley Ranch and Pizza Hut pizza?

So you wanted me to scroll back up just real quickly.

Is this what you want to see the purpose of?

Yeah, so here's these are images you could use, I guess, to tell your friends, like, we could win this or we'll use this, right?

So the first one is just a picture, has the logo and then ranch on one side, pizza on the other.

And then the third picture, bottle of ranch pizza.

The middle one.

Sitting on a yard line on football.

The middle one is a very close-up of just a hand holding the pizza, as if to say, in case you're wondering what it looked like when Eli Manning will scrawl his name in ranch, a little something like this.

Some clumsy, I will say, layer mashing

happening in the photo edit.

They're changing the game with the launch of their brand new easy squeeze bottle, make it even easier to add ranch flavor to everything.

I will say that's next level.

I fucking hate that I have to put ranch dressing bottles upside down where they then rest on the very small nozzle end of the bottle, top heavy the whole time, threatening to fall over.

I'm willing to

say that here, Easy Squeeze actually translates to we use thinner, cheaper plastic so it's easier to crush it in your hand like a Coke bottle.

That's

to celebrate, they are teaming up with Pizza Hut and football legend Eli Manning to create the one-of-a-kind Hidden Valley Ranch signature pizza delivered by Pizza Hut.

This unexpected collectible is a crave-worthy Pizza Hut pepper.

Unexpected is doing a lot of work there.

This unexpected collectible is, yeah, forbidden.

It should probably say

this unforeseen collectible.

Ungodly.

Unimaginable collectible.

This unfathomable collectible is a crave-worthy Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza autographed by Eli Manning using the precision and control of the new

the precision and control afforded by these easily squeezed bottles.

Easy squeeze bottle preserved in resin for eternity.

You haven't tested that, Pizza Hut.

You don't know.

You could encase this ranch-covered pizza in a 10-by-10-foot lucite cube, and I would still be able to smell it.

You could put this motherfucker in carbonite.

I would smell it from the other room.

PSA, the largest and most respected third-party authentication and grading company for trade.

Oh, sorry.

PSA is the name of it.

This is not a public service announcement.

Okay, cool.

PSA, the largest and most respected third-party authentication and grading company for trading cards and memorabilia, will authenticate the prize pizza.

And they're, yeah, like, hey, Vicky, you won't believe the day I had today.

I had to watch Eli Manning sign a pizza with Ranch and then sign a paper that say, yep, he did it.

Yeah, that sure is that one.

Our new bottle design is a game changer for ranch lovers, making it even easier to enjoy every drop of hidden valley ranch without the mess i don't think about

ranch dressing coming in drops it's more of a stream it's a viscous there's a viscosity there's no dropping that's going if a recipe called for five drops of ranch you would like no one you would lose your mind also imagine if someone said oh yeah baseball this new innovation is a real game changer we made it a little easier to swing the bat it's not really game changer games the game has changed for ranch lovers though i think It's fair.

Yeah, because the bottom.

The one lucky winner will receive the one-of-a-kind Hidden Valley Ranch signature pizza encased in resin.

And the 10 runners up

will receive a year's supply of Hidden Valley Ranch and a Pizza Hut pizza to create your own signature moments.

Yeah, but you got to think about one, the taxes.

Tell me how much I need in a year.

The taxes you're paying on winning that pizza, you're going to end up having to give back at least 30% of that pizza.

But also, when I win that resin-encased to Eli Manning signed pizza, do they also provide free security for me and the pizza for life?

Because I've just become a target.

You know what I mean?

You have a one-of-a-kind piece of art there.

Yeah.

And are they going to look after you?

No.

This is what I'm saying.

Who's going to keep me and my family safe?

Hey, Eli.

Here's a question.

Who pays the taxes?

on this pizza business.

That's what I'm saying, Justin.

Is that my problem?

Do I have to deal with that?

You got to stop.

You have to stop stop zooming into Eli Manning.

That face is actually saying very clearly, I'm not responsible for this.

Sorry, thank you.

So you can go get that pizza if you want.

I will.

Or you can just buy a pizza and

sign it yourself.

On the actual thing, the website, it says that the pizza is dehydrated and you should not consume because it won't be safe to eat.

Do you know how

sad it is that they have to hedge against the possibility.

They're only doing one.

Yeah.

So they have to hedge against the possibility that the one singular pizza they make like this is going to end up in the hands of the one person on earth who would try, who would be like, yummy, yummy.

You guys remember that heartbreaking scene of The Walking Dead where they were all out of food and the only thing left was their Eli Manning signed pizza and they had to break open the resin.

It's dehydrated.

That means we have to mix it with zombie piss.

I thought the show took a weird turn in season 33.

They mixed zombie piss with Eli Manning's dehydrated resin.

And they used zombie Eli Manning zombie piss to do it.

It was a good cameo.

I can't believe they got him.

There's still some good episodes.

The whole original cast got up already.

There's still some good episodes.

The Eli Manning Lucite Pizza arc

was lost me a little bit.

But the robot stuff is great.

It's great.

And like Negan, we're loving him.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast.

We hope you've enjoyed yourself.

I know I've enjoyed getting to record it.

I'm very excited.

Hey, Florida.

Or Flo Rida.

February 20th.

Flo Rida wanted to come to our shows.

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

February 20th and 21st, my brother, my brother, me, and Taz are going to be in Tampa.

It's our first live Taz in Florida.

And then February 22nd, my brother, my brother, and me is in Jacksonville, Florida.

Tickets are on sale now.

More info and ticket links, go to bit.ly slash McElroyTours.

We got a new plush that we've been working on in collab with U2s.

It's a MIGGI plush, MIGGI Mackerel from the McLroy Family Clubhouse, a streaming program you can watch on our YouTube channel every Tuesday.

It's only available for a little bit, though.

It's only available until January 28th.

So go to Miggie.utu's that's y-o-u-t-o-o-z.com and uh grab yourself one of these while supplies last speaking of there's only a couple of champions grove packages left it's the gaming event that I put on now in its second year, Memorial Day weekend.

It's fun.

I did it, and I liked it, and you're not better than me.

There you go.

So go to championsgrove.com for all the information and to see the remaining.

uh packages also we've got a wake up and do good shirt in the merch store and all proceeds from that shirt go to the transgender law center which organizes assist informs and empowers thousands of individual community members towards a long-term national trans-led movement for liberation And 10% of all merge proceeds this month will be donated to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund.

Thank you so much

to Montane for the Utah theme song, My Life is Better With You.

Let this powerful music start your year off so right.

And then let's end the show very quickly.

Let's just end the show very quickly.

We don't know.

We don't have the thing.

Maybe we should each share a personal fear.

No, go ahead, Juice.

Juice had it.

That's all, folks.

You do still need to say your name, though.

No, I don't want to say that.

I

won't, I don't want to put my name on something that doesn't have an ending.

You know what I mean?

Like, I really am proud of the whole episode.

Could we recreate, like, if we're going to be able to do that?

Could we recap the episode?

No, like, recreate, like, imagine, like, we're going to create a sound bath, but it's the three of us getting into a car, turning on the engine, and driving away really fast.

Like, you think we could make the sound of that?

We already did sound baths.

God damn it, you're right.

Yeah.

And we did wishes.

And now we could do the distance by cake, a cappella.

Okay, let's, let's just, I mean, yeah, I mean, let's go bad ideas.

He's going for speed.

That was sort of beefy.

All alone, all alone, all alone.

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line.

My name is Justin McGroy.

I'm Travis Zackroy.

That's not going to be it.

By the end of the year, it's going to be six.

We're going to have it.

We'll figure it out.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother, me.

Kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

It's better, it's better with you.

It's better with you.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

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