MBMBaM 790: Face 2 Face: Frogspotting

Speaker 1 McElroy brothers are not experts.

Speaker 1 And their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert.

Speaker 1 But if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening.

Speaker 1 What's up, you cool baby?

Speaker 1 It's the side

Speaker 1 of something beautiful.

Speaker 1 A small acquaintance has blossomed. It's ripened into a precious friendship.

Speaker 1 I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Speaker 1 Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life,

Speaker 1 it feels love.

Speaker 1 My life,

Speaker 1 it's better, it's it's better with you.

Speaker 1 My life, oh,

Speaker 1 it's better, it's better with you.

Speaker 1 This is true.

Speaker 1 It's better, it's better with you.

Speaker 1 My life, I'm better with you. Hello, everybody, and welcome, my brother, my brother, Mean and Vice Show for the modern era.
I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

Speaker 1 What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middlest brother, Travis, big dog, Vroom, Vroom, Wolf, Wolf, McElroy.

Speaker 1 What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin, 30-under-30, media luminary, Belt Ford, Tough McElroy.

Speaker 1 And I regret to inform everyone that I've just realized my Lightning McQueen jumpsuit costume has shrunk dramatically in the wash

Speaker 1 from the last line. Where you've gotten bigger and musclier.
I don't think so. Your muscles? It's possible.

Speaker 1 You didn't have it dry cleaned?

Speaker 1 It's like the idea of you bringing that to a drug clean. It's like halfway up my calf, man.
Like, it went up. It didn't go in.
It went up. Oh, no, you accidentally...
You wore Henry's.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what it was.

Speaker 1 You may have to have a costume changes like I did.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's time for you to reevaluate. San Antonio, I hope you appreciate appreciate Justin's rock and a new Steeze just for you.

Speaker 1 I switched the drive cosplay because I was informed during our last engagement that my

Speaker 1 mean to Justin. Very mean because they said that when I took my helmet off, my speed racer costume made me look like I was a Donald duck bounding.

Speaker 1 Paul, do you have an image of my costume so you you all can be the judge of whether or not I'm a

Speaker 1 sorry it's a nude photo so we can't actually censor they say well it's pantsless they censored it out wait yeah so

Speaker 1 you've lost the ascot so this isn't very representative

Speaker 1 but I have a red ascot and you can actually if you look at my jumpsuit in this picture you can see how now it's riding up like used to be way high

Speaker 1 and for some reason tony hawk pro skater 2 was on the screen maybe we were playing that while doing

Speaker 1 bored and just had to crank out some combos yeah

Speaker 1 oh well so thanks so i i changed i had kind of say a wonderful day in san antonio texas

Speaker 1 I got up. I got up at 6.30 because I had to say goodbye to my kids.
And I realized, oh my God, I'm up. But luckily, it was already 85 degrees here.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. So I got out and I got a little, I rented a, you know, sometimes you can rent the little stand-up scooters here in San Antonio.
You can rent little sit-down guys. Sit-down, like Vespas?

Speaker 1 Like a little sit-down Vespa. You can rent.

Speaker 1 And it is hysterical to drive around the city because you're not allowed to drive it on the sidewalk and you're also not, you can't go faster than 20 miles an hour. Right.

Speaker 1 So it's like everywhere you're going, it's a little parade just for you. You know? Like they can honk, they can get mad.
You just wave like, I can't do anything other than this.

Speaker 1 That is such a classic, like, comedy movie about just a real doofus in town who does that kind of thing. Like, oh, I'm so excited for this.
And then everybody is stuck in traffic, honking behind them.

Speaker 1 And you watch it like, what a doofus. Tommy Boy and his magic scooter.
What a fucking goofball. I definitely ended up on some roads that I should not have been on in a little scooter.

Speaker 1 It's like on a clover turnpike. Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck. I'm up so high.
Jesus Christ. I heard truckers like, oh, we got a baby's day out situation over here.
He had This baby is just rolling free.

Speaker 1 No, but it's great. I went to Archie's Coffee, and then after that, I went to Vela Coffee because I just wanted more coffee.
And then I drove the Vespa out to the Japanese tea garden.

Speaker 1 Have you all been out there? Holy shit!

Speaker 1 It's gorgeous. I gotta say, you're

Speaker 1 real. Your vibe.

Speaker 1 Just now, though, was not matching the vibe of the Japanese tea garden. I disagree, Griffin.
You didn't know when I went, I yelled, holy shit.

Speaker 1 This is an amazing tea garden. One of the most beautiful places I've ever been in my entire life.
It was incredible. And I followed that up with something just as

Speaker 1 majestic, a visit to the Wonderland of the Americas.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 Hey, listen. That is a singular place, guys.

Speaker 1 I loved it. Can I describe Wonderland of the Americas for you?

Speaker 1 So we've all got dying malls. I love a dying mall as much as the next guy.
Wonderland of the the American. Darma's been dying since it was born.

Speaker 1 Wonderland of the Americas has the guts to just not go down without a fight. See,

Speaker 1 you get dropped off at the most nondescript entrance possible. You then have to walk through a hallway of four of the most depressing businesses.

Speaker 1 Like, literally, it's like tissue replacement, sick kids store. bone health for veterans.
Like it's just like the sad, it's like a haunted house, but for being sad, right?

Speaker 1 And then you chuck all the way through it and you swear to god it must be closed everything's closed right

Speaker 1 but then you go upstairs and it's like some of the coolest little stores and shops and everything is fantastic but the bottom they should rope it off or something you know like cask of a montelado style just break it off like we don't we don't have a downstairs it's just cool shops upstairs and then a very large

Speaker 1 an insane burlington coat factory

Speaker 1 It looks like it was built by a fucking Sauron. What's wrong with you guys?

Speaker 1 But I had one more trip in the Vespa. I don't know if Joe's here, but Joe almost ruined the show for everybody.
Travis ran into Joe before. Joe didn't know we were doing a show.

Speaker 1 Joe's staying at the same hotel we were staying at. And Travis told Joe, like, hey, we're doing a show.
Come to the show. As I'm leaving, I don't have enough time to get to the venue.
Oh, man.

Speaker 1 But guess who's still there? My Vespa is parked out front.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, like, okay, well, I got to to make it to the show on time, right? I got to get the Vespa. This is how the Aerosmith roller coaster at Disney World starts, by the way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got to get the Vespa. So I get I get the Vespa, and I'm like, all right, time to roll, time to ride out for the show.
I'm on the edge of my seat. Yes, no.

Speaker 1 I've got two bags that are balanced on the handles, right? I'm barely making it. And then Joe comes out and he's like, hey, I'm really excited for the show.
And it's like, oh, cool.

Speaker 1 It's nice to meet you. And then I'm like kind of joking about how I'm about to ride a Vespa and how Buddha live, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 But then I realized like as I'm about to leave, I'm holding a can of coffee that I have just opened.

Speaker 1 And I have absolutely no fucking plan.

Speaker 1 Like I have no plan. And Joe's.
What did you do? But Joe's right there, right? No. Well, what I had to do, Travis, I had to chug the entire coffee right then and there, right?

Speaker 1 How was this Joe's fault?

Speaker 1 How was any of this Joe's fault? Because if he hadn't been there, I would have just dumped it out, probably. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Or gone to a sewer? Dumped it out in a sewer. So Joe held you accountable for your impact on the environment.
And somehow this is Joe's fault. I would have recited.

Speaker 1 As Joe's lawyer, I must object, sir. As you've certainly guessed from my life choices, this is an advice show.

Speaker 1 That's better. Thank you so much, Paul.

Speaker 1 Very demonstrative. Much better, Paul.
Thank you so much, Paul. Excellent.
Much better.

Speaker 1 This is an advice show. And we are going to...
Wait, but for what era?

Speaker 1 Oh, the mantram thank you so much we're going to take your questions that you have submitted to us and turn them alchemy like into wisdom as is our purview here on the program

Speaker 1 i don't know if you've listened before you're vamping because you forgot to unlock your ipad again

Speaker 1 is that joe's fault too justin

Speaker 1 you know it could be hard trying to carry the entirety of the show on my shoulders if you guys wanted to do any jokes that would leave a little bit of padding for me to you know open up the document i went and got a massage today it wasn't funny

Speaker 1 it was just nice go off travis i needed it because i deal with a lot of stress when my brother can't open the dock during the show that's enough okay my brother-in-law refuses to go to chili's with me my husband and my sister his wife it's my favorite podcast um

Speaker 1 he's

Speaker 1 uh he is a very talented and creative cook at home so i think he feels like chili's is beneath him how do i convince him that six dollar margaritas and a triple dipper are cool and even though chilies is in a five-star establishment that's from sister-in-law in San Antonio are you here

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ

Speaker 1 I've never been scared by one of those before

Speaker 1 that's the energy of someone who has appreciated the great deal of Chili's tonight yes have you been there and received amazing service and reasonable prices

Speaker 1 uh okay great things about chilies just to start off with one thing is that chilies has the guts to sell adults tenders and not pretend like it's something else and they'll put a little bit of a fancy sauce in there like oh have you tried our elegant new bourbon tenders it's like nah nice try i love it though thank you so much appetizer samples yeah no they fancy restaurants don't do that that's true fancy restaurants won't give you one shrimp in a cocktail and another thing is fancy restaurants will get mad at you when you get mad at them for not doing that that's true greth but they get all snooty about it yeah i want the pate and the shrimp and the hush puppies do them on

Speaker 1 That was a crazy restaurant I just described. That had all three of those things on the menu.
Another thing I like about chili is a random shit on the wall. Yeah, that's funny.
That is fun.

Speaker 1 You don't have to just go to a restaurant for the food because sometimes you can go there

Speaker 1 just for the hangs. Just like a good hang.

Speaker 1 It seems like maybe the best hang at Chili's. You've got everything you need.

Speaker 1 You're like, what, Griffin? $6 margaritas. Shit on the wall.
Yeah, covered. that funny commercial with the barbershop quartet.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. That's the one.

Speaker 1 What restaurants can you go to where you have an excuse to sing barbershop quartet because of the place you're at?

Speaker 1 Also, one of the few restaurants I've eaten at where I've had to been warned by the serving staff not to touch the plate that my food was on because it was a sizzling hot iron skillet.

Speaker 1 Everything is sizzling hot iron. They trusted me with that, though.
That's a level of trust and responsibility that they gave me what amounts to a deadly weapon and said he's going to be fine.

Speaker 1 Or maybe they're just like really, really hardcore into Applebee's and they are worried they're going to get spotted.

Speaker 1 You think that's crossing the line? You know how sort of protective of their turf those two businesses are. That's why you settle on TGI Fridays, right there between

Speaker 1 ever dined at a TGI Fridays. No, they don't exist, actually.
It is a money laundering front. But they'd be so happy to have you.

Speaker 1 Chili's is awesome because when you see it out in the wild, there's like there's a Chili's in Austin that is like the meme chilies. And that's great and all.

Speaker 1 We can all compare it to the other great restaurants in the area that a Chili's is at, sure. But when you're at an airport, uh-oh.
Hey, wait a minute.

Speaker 1 That Chili's is looking pretty good right about now, isn't it? When that Chili's is the only option next to a Panda Express and a raggedy looking subway, hey, wait a minute. Chili's is fine dining.

Speaker 1 At least

Speaker 1 Chili's to go presupposes that you're just here for the food. Fuck yeah.
You know, you don't need to hang around for the ambiance. You're just here for the food.
Here's a bit of

Speaker 1 actionable advice. Let me try a pitch like this.

Speaker 1 You know what will be so wild and silly tonight? Okay.

Speaker 1 If we went to Chili's, can you imagine? And then you get him there, and you're like, that food is pretty good, isn't it? That's how everyone who gets. You enjoy the ambiance?

Speaker 1 That's how everyone gets having a fun time here's a gift card todd it's for five thousand dollars

Speaker 1 let him go okay before he leaves let him fill a ziploc baggie with spices and butters and herbs cool and one knife

Speaker 1 but just one bag just one okay he could have four bags four bags of butter spices and one knife spices

Speaker 1 spices fats

Speaker 1 salty sweet knife in a bag knife in a bag butters salt. That's three bags.
If you have some rope in there, that's like a serial killer cannibals

Speaker 1 set up bag. At least finish the bag.
The fourth bag will be empty. Okay.
Because that's for leftovers. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't know if you guys had stuff for this. Jazz, I have no idea where our brother is going with this whole run.

Speaker 1 You're also going to have an induction cooktop.

Speaker 1 So you're going to arrive, and one of you will put on the Ted from Chop Voice, and it's like, okay, here's your mystery basket is jalapeno poppers from TGI Fridays or wherever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Now bust out your spices and your butters and your knife and your empty bag for mixing. Yeah, dude.
That's what it's for. It's for mixing.
Oh, okay. And try to like upset.
We're going to upcycle it.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, so and then

Speaker 1 when the server comes by. Oh, that's the game.
They can't see because they will be hurt. Okay.
So when the server comes by, they can't see it. They're feelings will be.

Speaker 1 When the server comes by and sees your brother-in-law under the table going,

Speaker 1 they can't.

Speaker 1 And smoke starts to rise up.

Speaker 1 And then they're like, hey, sir, what the fuck are you doing under there? This is a chili. He says, oh, I'm cushing up the onions.

Speaker 1 So I deserve it. God damn it, another chop-style game in our restaurant.
I did it the fourth time, did they? I didn't say you can't be seen doing it

Speaker 1 in the setup. I said they can't catch you doing it.
So the thing is,

Speaker 1 I'm masturbating under here. Leave me alone.
You're inventing the one thing that can't happen in this game, okay? If it does happen, it is seen by all participants as a failure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're secretly cooking on an under-table induction cooktop and mix and mush-in bag. Right.
And then

Speaker 1 there's no way you have more to this.

Speaker 1 There's more steps. There's no way, dude.

Speaker 1 Everybody eats it.

Speaker 1 If you guys hadn't put on so much mustard, I could have just said everybody eats it and moved on with our lives. You know? You guys don't just have to pull over the car.

Speaker 1 Is there a rule that the server can't see?

Speaker 1 You literally can't see. The eating? The eating has to, that you have to see.
Okay. Because I need them to be able to get it.
The server is going to come by and see you eating your hot mush.

Speaker 1 Your hot egg roll mush.

Speaker 1 If they clock it, you lose. Okay.

Speaker 1 Wait, lose what? Win what? The game. What are the stakes? Did you not even pay attention to the fucking question, Travis? My brother-in-law wants to play a high-stakes secret undertable chili sword.

Speaker 1 When it takes all, no Holtzbarg, deathmatch. Art doesn't need...
Art doesn't need. It says right here, if they catch us eating the sloppy glop, then he loses.
So fucking pay attention next time.

Speaker 1 You're right, dude. It's my fucking fault.
Art doesn't need...

Speaker 1 I have a favorite local coffee shop across the street from my apartment complex. Recently, one barista started a conversation asking what my plans for the day were.

Speaker 1 For some reason, maybe tired brain, I decided to overshare and stated, oh, I'm on my way to qualify for regionals. They asked, in what? I said, oh, it's for magic.

Speaker 1 They proceeded to get a lot more interested and said, that's super cool. I love magic.
What kind of magic can you do?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you guessed it, friends. I was actually talking about going to a Magic the Gathering event.

Speaker 1 So I just said, cards.

Speaker 1 You were impeccable with your word. You honored your first agreement.
That is true.

Speaker 1 I believe the record will show I did not lie. You're not lie.

Speaker 1 But I said,

Speaker 1 they asked if they could show him a card trick since no one was in line. But I just said, sorry, but my backpack was in the trunk.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine if you had made the backpack appear right then? Hold on.

Speaker 1 You said that your magic was cards,

Speaker 1 and then you said your backpack was in the truck. It's cards.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, why? It's cards. They're in your pocket, right? They're very large cards.
They're huge novelty cards.

Speaker 1 I juggle them with chainsaws. It's the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Anyway, brothers, what kind of card tricks can I quickly learn in case they remember and ask again? That's from I Just Want an Iced Coffee in San Antonio. Are you here?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Fair enough. Thank you for not scaring me.
That was amazing.

Speaker 1 You may be a barn owl sitting in the distance. That's cool too.

Speaker 1 I'm a barn owl who just qualified for regional at Magic the Gathering.

Speaker 1 If they ask you again, say, well, I qualified for regional, and now I have to save my mana points for when I perform tricks at state.

Speaker 1 And what do you think, how will they receive that sentence that you just said out loud?

Speaker 1 What do you think the response to that sentence is? I think if you say it with a solid enough chilling look, they'll never talk to you again. Travis is right, actually.

Speaker 1 If you say I can't because I'm saving up my mana points, this will not be the same thing. The problem here is I realize mana points is also a thing in magic, right?

Speaker 1 Wait, hold on. I meant more like I'm casting magic tricks.
Using my magic points. Wait, but you're not, they didn't think you're an actual wizard from Final Fantasy ass magic time.

Speaker 1 But they don't know how magic works because the rules of magic say I can't tell them how I do my shit. Do you think that

Speaker 1 the issue here was?

Speaker 1 I didn't think anything, Griffin. I was doing a fucking bit.

Speaker 1 I was doing a fucking bit for our audience to enjoy with comedy jokes.

Speaker 1 I'm a grown man. I was a national merit scholar, sir.

Speaker 1 Cards.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to be funny for once.

Speaker 1 The good thing is, the hard part part is done because your hands know the cards. Your hands know the weight of the cards.

Speaker 1 When you hold a king ice velociraptor or whatever, like they you know what that feels like. Sorry, a what?

Speaker 1 You know that just from the ink of the ice wind

Speaker 1 guy quest

Speaker 1 shield

Speaker 1 guy that like you know that that card I got a commander deck that's based around the ice wind quest guy. Yeah

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 is the trick, Justin, that you close your eyes and pick up a card and tell them what it is? Yeah, like you could, you could do that if you know your deck.

Speaker 1 When you are really in tune with your deck, you don't need to look at it anymore. Like, you know the cards.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know the cards just from, like, the weight and the crinkles that your uncle put in them.

Speaker 1 Whoa! Hold on. He was trying to throw them away, and you're like, please don't.
I love those cards. Wait, why was your uncle? Because every card tells a story.
Like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Why is there mustard on the back of my Charizard or whatever? Yeah, because my fucking uncle. Yeah, it's my fucking uncle used it as a napkin again.
Uncle related.

Speaker 1 It could be like my best friend Johnny spilled ketchup on it or whatever. So there's mustard on it because Johnny spilled ketchup on it.
Every card tells a story.

Speaker 1 Woo! Yeah, every card tells a story.

Speaker 1 I think that anyone can learn how to do tricks of sleight of hand and subtle gestures with those cards, but not anyone can make an infinite mana loop, one hit, KO, first round, knockout,

Speaker 1 some real shit. So I think you can say, like, okay,

Speaker 1 first of all, the coffee shop needs to be very fucking empty because this is going to take you like 45, 50 minutes.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of setup, and then you do have to execute the infinite loop. You make them draw all their deck.
You have to draw your entire. It's a whole thing.

Speaker 1 But then when it's over, they're going to be like, wow, I get it, man.

Speaker 1 I would also just say, and this is not to try to like pump you up, but seriously, like that kind of success in anything, I think people actually are interested to hear about it.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't think there's going to be any judgment. I, of course, would be interested to hear about someone's Magic the Gathering proficiency.

Speaker 1 You know, I've learned four or five card tricks, and I've tried to learn Magic the Gathering, and I can't. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 1 I think that's the magic, frankly. I'm way more than a judge when you play Magic the Gathering.

Speaker 1 I've played many games of Magic the Gathering, and when they have ended, whether I've won or lost, I have no idea idea why it happened

Speaker 1 I always think I gotta get more into this game most card tricks don't require you to use tokens and track health loss and tap things

Speaker 1 so which one's more impressive Griffin definitely Magic the Gathering easy yeah for sure hey try this

Speaker 1 oh I misunderstood you

Speaker 1 Now it's on them. You could also do like sleight of hand with Magic the Gathering cards.
And then when you ask them later, was this your card? They'll have absolutely no fucking clue.

Speaker 1 I think, yeah, it had a dragon on it or something. There's fire.
Something like that. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 Sorry, this just like this just came across my desk.

Speaker 1 There was a puff of brimstone and sulfur. This is just coming across my desk.
I'm so sorry, guys.

Speaker 1 We do have a haunted doll watch.

Speaker 1 First up, let's

Speaker 1 meet Holly the Pixie. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Woo!

Speaker 1 I wanted to bring some positivity this time. Okay, that's cool.
And I'm telling you right now, a bold, like Mary Tyler Moore-esque woman in the city, like fighting for her

Speaker 1 right there.

Speaker 1 Meet Holly. She's an enchanting spirit known as a Pixie Fae.
She has a deep connection to...

Speaker 1 Holly, it just doesn't say.

Speaker 1 Holly encourages humans to reconnect with nature showing respect for the environment and a deeper appreciation for the beauty that surrounds us she loves all animals and critters and they love her presence she brings hot into your life wait wait what what whoa whoa

Speaker 1 By the way, that was cool hearing everyone say wait what in the exact same voice. She brings hot into your life by uplifting moments with laughter and positivity.

Speaker 1 She possesses a bunch of magical abilities.

Speaker 1 they don't often promise this much a bunch yeah she has she'll make you happy is not often a promise made by her dogs the first one's awesome because her first one is animal communication which like prove it

Speaker 1 yeah good point that would involve like my dog being like this is legit yeah yeah once we once we invent that helmet we put on a dog or on us to make that conversation possible you think the first thing dogs are going to say is holy shit thank Christ you can hear me.

Speaker 1 All the dolls in this house can talk to me.

Speaker 1 Holly the Pixie makes it so fucking hot in here, Doug. And we're getting married.
She has the ability to, she has plant growth, the ability to accelerate growth.

Speaker 1 With the role of a D8, she can't bloom of plants coaxing flowers to blossom and gardens to flourish. She has weather control.
What?

Speaker 1 She has the ability to influence subtle weather changes.

Speaker 1 Okay, now hold on. They're not overpromising.

Speaker 1 maybe a bit more fog oh it's 95 degrees instead of 94 degrees thanks holly you did indeed bring the hot by one degree

Speaker 1 she also promotes natural healing so this there's so much more to holly she's definitely one of the best i've ever encountered then wouldn't it be supernatural healing uh she brings good nothing out okay that's fair i don't think so she brings it's a very good point travis inviting a feel to your home and i know she'll add a touch of greatness to your life are you holly's new keeper adopt holly today Keeper sucks as a title to have because of a thing I bought on eBay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So that is Holly the Pixie. Next up, next up.
I wouldn't even call myself like my dog's keeper. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Next up, a haunted vessel doll, a protective spirit of a mother who lost everything.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Hey, wait, it might get funny.

Speaker 1 The name's fun.

Speaker 1 No, I mainly wanted to feature Marguerite. She's a devoted mother in the late 1800s, a woman who gave everything for her family.
Let's see that first picture, Paul.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, Justin. Her life was cut short by scarlet fever, a brutal disease that took her swiftly.

Speaker 1 And I too, big itis.

Speaker 1 Leaving behind 10 children. The youngest, only six months old, and the eldest 17.
Even as her body failed, her soul refused to leave.

Speaker 1 The thought of abandoning her children, of leaving them to face the world without her, was unbearable. Paul, let's see that next image.
Yes. Yeah, dude.
I've never seen anyone do this shit.

Speaker 1 It's fucking so good.

Speaker 1 Give me another one, Paul. Hit me with another one.
Oh, boy, baby. Yeah, dude.
Hey, how come she got neck wrinkles? That's fucked up. Okay.
Hey, what's she made out of?

Speaker 1 This is starting to border on montage of dead wife in movies. She remained earthbound.

Speaker 1 Searching for a way to continue protecting those who needed her. Eventually, her spirit found its way.
But who's protecting me from Marguerite? Let's see. Can we see another picture of the vessel?

Speaker 1 This one's. Oh, hey, you done found me under the bed.

Speaker 1 come on in let me show you my secret place marguerite is a fiercely protective spirit drawn to those who need comfort my own daughter has asked me to place her vessel under the bed at night to keep i thought you were talking about charlene cooper for a second no that would be amazing marguerite seems to like this role so this is to be clear mommy's putting this doll underneath your your mom

Speaker 1 The only mom you have supposedly is putting this haunted doll in here to protect you from the other haunted dolls. Yeah, that's awesome.
Oh, fuck. No.

Speaker 1 Hey, this is a mother who lost everything, and her kids are definitely not in the picture anymore. I definitely want her to form some kind of strong bond with my daughter.
Oh, yeah, man.

Speaker 1 She's chock full of raw mom energy. Yeah.
One day you'll be older and you'll get married and James Wand's going to have a lot of fun with that one. Let me tell you.

Speaker 1 This goat is going to freak out. The doll's going to try to kill him.
This is actually pretty good now that I say that out loud. Paul, write that down.
TMTM. Insidious five something.

Speaker 1 Okay. I want to.

Speaker 1 She's saying goodbye.

Speaker 1 Goodbye, Margarita. Jump truck ass.

Speaker 1 Travis.

Speaker 1 That wasn't me.

Speaker 1 It was Margarita speaking through me.

Speaker 1 Her influence. I grew up.
I should mention there is a mystery of her purple eyes. There's an unusual purple eye as an airy yet beautiful anomaly.
Yeah. At times they seem to illuminate.

Speaker 1 That's her ass, Paul. Nice.

Speaker 1 When this happens, the atmosphere in the room shifts, sometimes comforting and warm, as if a mother is near, watching over you. Yeah, or under you, because she's mainly a sub-bed, sort of.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would say the majority of the photo shoot has happened under

Speaker 1 bed. Yes.
Do you guys want to meet the best dude ever? Fuck yeah, dude. Okay.

Speaker 1 Hey, Paul, no more jump scares, please. No more, Paul.
Hey, let's fucking

Speaker 1 meet Bouchard. Yeah.

Speaker 1 let me see my son Bouchard

Speaker 1 hell yeah haunted Vessel doll sweet Bouchard

Speaker 1 why didn't you guys like Bouchard

Speaker 1 hey let me tell you what kind of jaded assholes are you

Speaker 1 let me tell you a little bit about Bouchard this is Bouchard from the moment he came into my home he has been nothing but a joy to be around His energy is light and warm, like a child's laughter echoing through the house.

Speaker 1 Everyone adored him when he was alive. He grew up surrounded by his aunts and cousins, always tagging along as the youngest of the bunch.

Speaker 1 His older cousins would take him skating to the batting cages, and he loved every second of it.

Speaker 1 His favorite place in the world was a spot he called Bullwinkles, a place that brought him endless happiness. I'm going to skip his death.
Yay!

Speaker 1 That's not wait, does he have a pair of dice with him? I'll get there. His parents.
He's playing some silo. He's shooting some craps.

Speaker 1 His parents had both passed over from overdoses when he was only two months old, so he never knew them. Only stories and not good ones.

Speaker 1 This made him frightened of crossing over, afraid of what might be waiting for him. As opposed to most three and four-year-olds who are like, can't fucking wait to kick it.

Speaker 1 You know, thank you for your faith so far, because you know how hard Bouchard has to deliver to make up for that real bummer of a beginning. So let me tell you this.
Here he is safe. He is calm.

Speaker 1 He is sweet and playful. He has always been a joy to us, and I know he will bring the same to his next keeper.
My own children discovered that Bouchard loves offerings of Pokemon.

Speaker 1 One night while they sat in the same room with him, he made that very clear.

Speaker 1 Because of that, he will go to his new home with the Pokemon items you see in his pictures at my children's request since they don't want him to be without them.

Speaker 1 So Bouchard is being said, Hey, parents, I am always looking for great ways to get rid of my kids shit.

Speaker 1 If I thought I could also box up a bunch of their garbage with haunted dolls, this is epic, lady. Good on you.
Sending away a bunch of their Pokemon cards.

Speaker 1 Also, scalpers have ravaged the Pokemon card market. So, I mean,

Speaker 1 you are getting yourself quite a deal with this Bouchard doll pickup.

Speaker 1 Just to clarify, though, in case you are buying Bouchard, items in the photos will be included with him, except the bench his vessel is sitting on, that is mine.

Speaker 1 Thank you for clarifying about the bench.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Vessel Boy, taken too soon. Hey, do you have anything of Bouchard in action, Paul?

Speaker 1 Sweet haunted Vessel Boy taken too soon. That's Bouchard.

Speaker 1 There was a time when we were children and we had a My Buddy doll and my older brother Justin propped him up inside a closet so that when I opened the closet door, he seemed to spring out at me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I don't remember him being around much after that. I don't think he was.
The doll, not Justin. I was around.
Justin or man.

Speaker 1 Hey, when Bouchard talked to the kids about how he wanted Pokemon cards, I'm just curious what that conversation sounded like. Hey,

Speaker 1 what do you guys got up there? Give me all your Pokemon cards. They're all haunt your sister.

Speaker 1 What imaginative little monsters you've got there.

Speaker 1 If only I hadn't been killed by that stray bullet.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Oh, no, I didn't tell you kids about that, did I?

Speaker 1 This is rough, but I did always want a Charizard if you have a spare one.

Speaker 1 I got to learn some new Pokemon.

Speaker 1 I love frogs, but I can never spot them in the wild. I live in a relatively damp place, so I know there are plenty of frogs around.

Speaker 1 Often, other people will point out frogs to me, see them, see that I'm taking photos of wildlife, and I'll get so excited to have the chance to take a photo of a frog.

Speaker 1 I'm haunted by all the frogs I know were out there that I didn't see and thus couldn't take photos of. Brothers, how can I get better at spotting frogs? That's from Frogless and Frustrated.

Speaker 1 I fucking am

Speaker 1 brave of you.

Speaker 1 How brave of you to finally say it. Every time I spot a frog, it feels like such an accomplishment.
Like, ha ha, got you. Oh, but but the crushing defeat of someone else spotting a frog before I do.

Speaker 1 Oh, when they see the frog first. Or it's just a weird rock and now you're an asshole.
Or, fuck, it's a toad? Dude!

Speaker 1 Sometimes I'll bring a frog with me places so I can set it down and be like, frog! And everyone get impressed with me at how good I am at spotting these frogs.

Speaker 1 Well, shit, Griffin, because that was my suggestion to fix this problem.

Speaker 1 Not forever, but just some practice frogs frogs that you would bring with you, let loose, and then know those frogs there, know what they look and sound like, what their names are, and then be able to spot them with some kind of accuracy so that you gain confidence in your frog spotting ability.

Speaker 1 You know, though, the movie Frog Spotting is so weird with all the drugs. That's so funny.

Speaker 1 The hardest thing to spot is a turtle. Because when you spot it, you're definitely looking at it and you're like, yes.
Yeah. I see it.
But then the turtle will continue to be there.

Speaker 1 And you definitely have to have a moment. You're like, okay.
I get it.

Speaker 1 I got to go.

Speaker 1 Other animals, you get close to them, and they're like, that's enough.

Speaker 1 The moment's over. There's not a lot of animals beside turtle that I see.
And I'm like, I should pick you up. And then my brain's immediately like, no, don't do that.
You don't need to pick up.

Speaker 2 Why do I have this reflex?

Speaker 1 Is it because it's football shaped? I guess he's got his own little lunchbox that he carries around with him.

Speaker 1 I would also say a turtle is an animal that I could spot, be excited, and it could be dead, and I'd have no idea. And I'd stare at it for like 20 minutes being like, nature is beautiful.

Speaker 1 Anytime I've ever seen a turtle in my life, I think, ah, buddy, you shouldn't be here.

Speaker 1 Let's get you out of here, pal. But you don't want to touch them because they got salmonella.

Speaker 1 Cool. Yeah.
No. Your wife's a doctor, so I just assume that you know what you're talking about, man.
It would be turtle. Pretty safe there.
I'm also your older brother. So, thank you for recognizing.

Speaker 1 We have other questions for you from you, our beloved.

Speaker 1 Yeah, hey, can we ask a question for you?

Speaker 1 Anyways, just enjoy the frogs you see. Don't worry about the ones you don't see.
They don't exist if you don't see them. Wow, Trav.
Thank you. Next question.
Beautiful. Also,

Speaker 1 also, thermal vision goggles.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. No, wait, are frogs.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Notably, that's a really bad idea. That's lizards.
Wait, cook the frogs before.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 You have to have a friend help you. Get a discreet friend to plant 30 toy frogs in the local woods.
Have them give you a GPS.

Speaker 1 Where the fuck are they going to find 30 real frogs? At the fucking frog store. Yeah, man.
Read a book. At the frog store, dude.

Speaker 1 What, like bait frogs that you buy to feed the bigger lizards? Yeah, yeah, dude. To feed the nasty fish.

Speaker 1 I'm going fishing today, but only for really fucked up psycho fish who eat whole fucking frogs, man.

Speaker 1 That's my favorite section of the pet store when there's pets that are actually food for other animals, but they don't know about it.

Speaker 1 Crickets. Like the crickets think they are there waiting on the right child, you know? Yeah.
Now I will be loved. That one open-minded kid.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at that. They gave me a lizard to eat.

Speaker 1 Wait, I'm looking at a a second. You're looking for a kid that needs a moral compass.

Speaker 1 I got a room, this big, scaly roommate of mine. I love this guy.
Hey, boys. Yeah, Trav.
Hey, Trav?

Speaker 1 I've got a pretty important new development to share with you guys. All right, man.

Speaker 1 As both the leader of Trav Nation and

Speaker 1 thank you.

Speaker 1 And the CEO of Trav Nation Company.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't know about that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We're constantly looking to incorporate brand integration

Speaker 1 and indoctrinate more people.

Speaker 1 So all the embezzling you've been doing from our company has been for you. Oh my god, I'm so glad you brought that up, Griffin.

Speaker 1 Sort of.

Speaker 1 So tonight, I have a brand new segment called Paul. Can you pull that up? Traff Nation Industries introduces Travesties.

Speaker 1 It's Travis plus Novelties seeking angel investors. So I've got three is the TM there your initials or trademark.
Okay, so it's about

Speaker 1 TM.

Speaker 1 Isn't that what it always is? Oh, okay. Okay, I have three investment opportunities for you guys tonight.

Speaker 1 Okay, but much like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie when they were selling the pictures of their baby Shiloh

Speaker 1 To the paparazzi. I am going to take your bid sight unseen.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And then I'll tell you what

Speaker 1 are now because i've embezzled so much money yeah you guys have been accumulated quite a few traff bucks

Speaker 1 and it is i should say a one-way exchange that's so rare with exchanges you know

Speaker 1 where us dollars become draft bucks but traff bucks cannot go back you know nobody ever comes out They're like arcade tokens in that way. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to give you guys a chance to ask me some questions. The first investment opportunity is a food stuff.
And now you can ask me some yes or no questions before

Speaker 1 you give me your bid

Speaker 1 in Trav Bucks for the first investment opportunity. Would this be something that I would feature on Munch Squad? No.
Is it wet? Yes.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. I figured it out.
No, I haven't.

Speaker 1 Is it real? Like a thing that could exist?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I've never played this game before. Okay, Evis, I'd like to say that.

Speaker 1 Is it a sauce?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 It's gonna be wet then, dude.

Speaker 1 Is it a liquid?

Speaker 1 No, I mean. Are you selling a liquid? Just answer.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that a suspension, dude? You gotta answer. Is that like tube black, dude? I'm gonna say, yes, no, answer unclear answer unclear.
I'm gonna say the plasmoid state of whatever the case is.

Speaker 1 A sauce is present. Okay.
Is it an entree?

Speaker 1 Travis,

Speaker 1 I need the foodstuffs I invest in to fit squarely into one of the three states of matter.

Speaker 1 Yeah, is it a plasmoid?

Speaker 1 And it is for that reason that I'm out.

Speaker 1 Hey, Griffin, here's the problem. You actually can't.
Yeah, you have to break it. How much do I have? I have to bid? Yeah.
So is it a commercial package? I'm backing up that you want to sell.

Speaker 1 It's bidding time now, Justin. How many trap bucks? This is bidding time.
Yes. How many trap bucks are you willing to do? How many do I have? You maniac? 500,000.
Yeah. 500.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 500 feels right to me. 500,000.
Hey, juice. Babe,

Speaker 1 how many Trav books is it okay for me to spend? I know, I know. They're supposed to be for the girls' college.

Speaker 1 Hopefully, Trav Nation University will be closed by then. Okay.
Yeah, all right, thank you. 5,000 Trav Bucks.
Okay.

Speaker 1 4,999 Trav Bucks. Okay, Okay, let's see what you've invested in.

Speaker 1 New beef trevioli.

Speaker 1 Okay. Kids love that it comes in a can.

Speaker 1 Parents love that it is edible. With twice the schlort sound of the leading competitor when board from a height contains absolutely zero Travis.
That's great. Wow.
Yeah. Wow.
I'm a...

Speaker 1 Do you want to increase your bids? Fucking no, man.

Speaker 1 I'm actually an investor in cup of noodles, and I can't actually have competing products on store shelves. You understand? I do.
Also, this sounds gross. I would like to reduce my bid, please, because

Speaker 1 you can't reduce. I would like to, at this point, now that I know more, reduce, because I feel like the fact that it doesn't contain any

Speaker 1 Well, there's an asterisk there. That is true.
Okay, yeah, you're right. Awesome.
Because everything has a little Travis in it. Same way.
In the way that, like, dust and star stuff and show us.

Speaker 1 Okay, our second investment opportunity is a household good. Is it wet? No.

Speaker 1 Is it dry? Yes. Okay.

Speaker 1 Don't get all

Speaker 1 because sticky is half wet and half dry. It's a household

Speaker 1 product. Is it for cleaning?

Speaker 1 Yes. Is it poison? No.
Toxic? No. Purple? No.
Green? No. Red.
Orange? No. Blue?

Speaker 1 No. White? Glass cleaner.
Gray? No. Clear.
clear, yes, edible, clear, no, gray, yes, it's gray, juice, it's gray.

Speaker 1 We're ready for your bids. Wait, no, you can't just say,

Speaker 1 I just gave you so many fucking questions.

Speaker 1 There's a limited number of questions. That information is.
If I knew there was a limited number of questions, I wouldn't have sing Joseph in the amazing Technicolor Dream Code.

Speaker 1 You airline trap $5,000 on the gray thing that's dry. We don't accept dollars.
$5,000 trap bucks on the dry gray household thing.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say $30 because I really. They don't accept dollars.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say $300,000 Trap Bucks.

Speaker 1 Is that the exchange rate? I just know. I did the conversion in my head.
Sorry, I have to do the conversion to my head. Okay, let's see that product.
The Traff Can. I was right.

Speaker 1 Loves to eat your garbage. No questions asked.
Totally judgment-free. Motion activated real talk action with

Speaker 1 yummy trash. And that's a totally normal thing to throw away.
And I turn trash into jokes. That's that one's.

Speaker 1 I think it sucks that I have to be up here and because I'm a paid professional, I'm forced to bear witness to something I would cook away so fast from on Tumblr that it would make you feel like you don't want to throw trash in my mouth?

Speaker 1 Look, my mouth is the lid. My mouth opens.
You understand?

Speaker 1 Like, I've already engaged with this mentally more than I would ever. Traveling.
You'll see what happens, right? My mouth opens. It says, yummy trash.
Hey, you guys.

Speaker 1 I'm doing all your laugh, right, man? I'm doing one more dollar than Justin did. I love this product.
I think it's funny. I think kids will like it a lot.
Hey, Travis, it makes complete sense.

Speaker 1 If the next one is just this on a toilet, I'm walking off the stage. Dude, I'm going to do that either way because it'll be the end of act one, but still.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's go to our third and final investment opportunity. This is an online course.

Speaker 1 Is it wet?

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 it's not wet if you miss is it dry

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 is it taught by you yeah okay it's a class yeah

Speaker 1 it's an online course it's a dry online course yeah yeah okay if you can bully if you can imagine such a thing do you do you teach podcast no okay we already wrote a book about that that's true.

Speaker 1 Don't tell them our secret, Travis. That's our private book.
Our private book. Our secret diary.
For friends and family only. This is our vanity book.

Speaker 1 I bet,

Speaker 1 I bet

Speaker 1 that's the game, five million Trav bucks on

Speaker 1 this. Okay, six million.
God damn it. Okay, let's see.
You're so good at this game, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Let's see it, Paul. This is the Trav Wife online course.

Speaker 1 We'll teach you how to pick up and quickly abandon all kinds of virtual hobbies. The worst thing I've ever seen, Travis.
Officially clean the house by hiding seven closets and cabinets.

Speaker 1 Please, your husband, the Travis way. Okay, so if you're not taking a picture of this image, if it's up to me, it'll never be seen again.
So make sure you get it recorded for posterity, please.

Speaker 1 This looks like that. Look for all of these things on your shelf and internet.

Speaker 1 The Oak Ridge boys finally fell off.

Speaker 1 If you have questions that you'd like us to answer and you would want to come down to the mic and talk with us about it, you can email live at nbmbam.com. Try to keep it short.
Try to keep it tight.

Speaker 1 Those are usually the best ones for a live setting. Yeah, the instructions should be up on the screen.
But we're going to take a quick break and we'll be back after the intermission.

Speaker 1 And we'll see you guys in a bit.

Speaker 1 It's got it with you.

Speaker 1 Hello, my friends. This is Griffin.
I'm so thankful for you this week of extraordinary gratitude. I want to tell you about our sponsors.
This week, we got Aura Frames on the docket.

Speaker 1 Aura Frames is a great time to talk about Aura Frames because Aura Frames is a really great present, a really great gift for a lot of different sort of people categories you might have in your life.

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Speaker 1 We've given them out as gifts to a lot of people, and

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Speaker 1 That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com promo code MyBrother. This exclusive Black Friday Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year, so order now before it ends.
Support the show by mentioning us at checkout.

Speaker 1 Terms and conditions apply. Also, I want to tell you about Factor Meals.
This time of year is a shit show for everyone.

Speaker 1 There's like a hundred holidays that all happen basically all at once. And, you know, work is so crazy right now.

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Speaker 1 Just on the menu this week, there's a potato leek mash and grilled chicken with roasted corn and zucchini saute. That looks gorgeous.

Speaker 1 A smoky gouda, macaroni, and shredded beef with Parmesan buttered green beans. A yum yum, don't mind if I do.

Speaker 1 Everything I've gotten from Factor has been really, really great and super, super quick to get ready and make me feel like I'm eating like a person.

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Speaker 1 That's code Brother50Off at FactorMeals.com for 50% off your first box. Plus free free breakfast for one year.
Get delicious, ready-to-eat meals delivered with Factor.

Speaker 1 Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. Also, want to tell you, we got some stuff coming up.

Speaker 1 As you know, every American Thanksgiving, the three of us with our good friends Tim and Guy from the worst idea of all time, our honorary brethren from New Zealand, get together to watch a little film called Paul Blart Mock Cop 2.

Speaker 1 This is the, if I'm not mistaken, the 10th year that we've done it, but our 11th watch. And that takes us a while to kind of unpack in the watch.

Speaker 1 There's also

Speaker 1 a pretty high concept and I will say costly prank style thing that happens this year that I think really sets it apart.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to talk anymore about, you know, what the quality of the watch was this year, but if you've seen the movie or heard us talk about it before, I mean, you know what to expect.

Speaker 1 It's the boys. We're talking PBMC too.
And that comes out on Thursday on Thanksgiving. So you can check that out.
Also, Candle Nights is coming up very, very soon, December 6th.

Speaker 1 We're going to be performing at the Keith Alby Theater in Huntington, West Virginia, our hometown,

Speaker 1 for our annual Candle Night show. It's been a while since we've done one in person,

Speaker 1 but we are very, very excited to be putting it back on in Huntington this year.

Speaker 1 It is going to be a sort of variety-styled show. Not exactly a live mbim bam, but a lot of sort of mabimbam

Speaker 1 segments, some clubhouse stuff.

Speaker 1 Everyone in the fam's getting a hand on the ball, and it's going to be a good time.

Speaker 1 And all of the proceeds from the show are going to benefit Harmony House, which is an amazing organization in our hometown of Huntington that works to end homelessness by providing countless supportive services to people experiencing homelessness.

Speaker 1 It is a great organization, and we are really honored to be able to partner with them and help them out and you can help them out too by come to the show.

Speaker 1 If you can't make it to Huntington, we're also going to be putting a video up of the show on December 19th.

Speaker 1 You can get live tickets or those video on demand tickets over at bit.ly slash candle nights 2025.

Speaker 1 There's also some new merch in the merch store, including some Candle Knights merch and some Paul Blart Mall Cop to tell Death to Us Blart merch.

Speaker 1 And that's all at macroymerch.com. So go check that out also.
Enjoy the rest of the live show. We will be back with a new episode next week.
So keep it locked and

Speaker 1 have a great holiday if you choose to celebrate that. And we'll talk to you soon.
Bye.

Speaker 1 Ready, go. Knock, knock.
Who's there? We got this. With Mark and Howell?

Speaker 1 You knew this one.

Speaker 1 We can't put that out as an ad. We just did new episodes every week on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcast.
Now it's hewn in rock. Hewn in rock? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How do you hew something in rock? With a chisel. There's only one hew in rock and it's Huey Lewis.

Speaker 1 And the news is we got this with Mark and Hallows available every week on maximumfun.org. I walked right into that.

Speaker 3 Need a gift for a Max Fun fan in your life? Or maybe you need some ideas to fill up a wish list of your own. Heck, maybe you just want to pick up something for yourself as a little treat?

Speaker 3 Well, the Max Fun Holiday Gift Guide is here for all of your gift-giving and gift-wanting needs at maximumfun.org/slash gift guide.

Speaker 3 Of course, there's show merch like clothing, hats, bookmarks, stickers, even a candle.

Speaker 3 But there's also a bunch of other cool stuff made by your favorite hosts, like comic books, graphic novels, music, art, and jewelry.

Speaker 3 Go check out the gift guide and make sure you order soon so things get there in time for the holidays. Maximumfun.org/slash gift guide.

Speaker 1 We're going to take things to you all now. We're going to call some folks down to the microphone that we have.
If we can get some house lights up a little bit just to help with navigation.

Speaker 1 You three sitting in front of it. So sorry.
The guardians of the micro, the Cerberus. Ask them their riddles.

Speaker 1 If you all every once in a while could do the hear no evil, see no evil kind of bit, I'd appreciate that. Well, you won't acknowledge it, but you could do it.

Speaker 1 And hey, while we're working on that, thank you to the Tobin Center here for having us. Yeah, this room is so beautiful.

Speaker 1 They were showing us some of the fancy light tricks that they can do, and we told them we don't deserve any of that stuff.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi.
How's it going? Hi.

Speaker 4 Oh, I'm Celia. Pronouns are she, they, he, any pronouns.

Speaker 1 Hi, Celia. How can we help? A lot of Celia heads in the audience tonight, which I'm loving.

Speaker 1 Hard not to be.

Speaker 4 So my question is, how do I keep mascots from approaching me?

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that's chapter and verse, Celia, the question you sent to us. I am wondering what that means.

Speaker 1 And my follow-up is, Celia,

Speaker 1 have you found this to be a problem in the past or are you worried that this will become a problem in the future?

Speaker 1 What's the context?

Speaker 4 So, for example, you might go to a sports event. There might be like a here in San Antonio, maybe a Spurs coyote going into the audience saying,

Speaker 4 wanting to interact with you. My problem is that I never know what to do.
They kind of scare me.

Speaker 1 Sure. Okay.

Speaker 1 Good instinct. Cecely, you're describing a hypothetical situation that might happen.
Has a mascot ever approached you?

Speaker 4 This has absolutely happened too many times.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think if you get just right down the mouth is the key. That's where the eyes are.
I gotta look down the mouth and say, don't. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Honestly, I was gonna say a strong, no. Don't.
Not now.

Speaker 1 Not now. Look at me for real.
Right in the mouth.

Speaker 1 Because what you're probably looking at, Celia, right now on stage, you're looking at three people who have done mascot work many, many, many times.

Speaker 1 I also don't want to be there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're right to be off-put because they, no matter how dedicated they are to the cause of the Spurs,

Speaker 1 they don't want to have an interaction probably, unless it is contractually required. What's hard is, Celia, I think if you start putting your hands up and you're like, no, thank you.

Speaker 1 I don't want any, then they're going to make that a fucking bitch. Oh, dude, it's going to be a bit more.
Have you seen the video of the raptor from the basketball team eating

Speaker 1 the person in the crowd? Like,

Speaker 1 scary. Scary.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for sure, man. That sounds scary.
If I saw that happen,

Speaker 1 a mascot or aid a person? I think there should be mascot. No, don't leave it off.
A mascot ate a person? It's a video. It's a big...
Yeah. It's a raptor.
You watch a lot of weird videos, Griffin.

Speaker 1 We've just covered it. Is there a San Antonio mascot that everybody likes do you all have a favorite is there like a beloved

Speaker 1 please Celia

Speaker 1 I did hear the balapeno a couple of times balapeno balapeno that makes a lot more sense i thought people were saying volcano at first i didn't understand how that could be a mascot

Speaker 1 in an actionable way is the balapeno like a ball that's also a pest so he's an anthropomorphic jalapeno pepper yes

Speaker 1 how does that treat you if that if that runs up on you how does that feel compared to a coyote

Speaker 1 Were you not happy?

Speaker 4 That's so scary. I don't know what happened.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get to happen. Okay, Celia, Celia, I've got you.

Speaker 1 Are there any less scared, out of curiosity, if a mascot had to run up on you, is there like one that you're least scared of where you'd be like, okay, not bad.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Why am I asking you? No, it's just

Speaker 1 specifically asking Celia. What in the world? Like, if you were trying not to think about one Ghostbusters, which one would you make into a giant monster? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, which one do you like? Ooh,

Speaker 4 truthfully, in my heart, they all kind of freaked me out.

Speaker 1 I did hear

Speaker 4 HE buddy, HE Buddy, I guess.

Speaker 1 HE Buddy, HE Buddy,

Speaker 1 Celia.

Speaker 1 I got your back here. You ready? Yes.
They have shit peripheral vision. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you, they have like a 15-degree wide cone. Stay out the cone.
If you can move to the left or the right, they don't fucking know you. Slice the pie, Celia.
You will not get clocked, I guarantee you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You can shove children in front of you.
You could duck down six inches and they'll just lose you completely.

Speaker 1 They'll look around and go off to the next the next row.

Speaker 1 I hope that helps. Does that help you?

Speaker 4 Yeah, that was perfect. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 What's H.E. Griff? What's H.E.
Buddy look like?

Speaker 1 Can we get a picture of H.E. Buddy on the screen? I got to get to H.E.B.S.
and cereal.

Speaker 1 Okay. We'll get H.E.B.
H.E. Buddy isn't in the house.
We're not going to bring HE Buddy out. That would be so cool.

Speaker 1 Hello. Hello.
Hi. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Sandy. Hi, Sandy.

Speaker 1 Hi. And my question, I'm just going to read it, is

Speaker 1 how do I explain to servers at Mexican restaurants that I might order something besides tacos when they see my taco time knuckle tattoos without it being a huge letdown?

Speaker 1 Sami, can I tell you what I'm dying to know? Can you show me the orientation? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What time is it, guys?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to see from here, but I don't have good vision. Is it taco time? How is it? Taco.

Speaker 1 Time. Time.
That's usually how knuckle tattoos, it's not usually like a rebus that people have to solve.

Speaker 1 Unscramble the knuckles. You see if I cross my fingers like this.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 I thought this was a comedy. Hey, guys, I'm a national merit scholar.
Yeah, here he goes. I know.
Okay. I met.

Speaker 1 I don't understand.

Speaker 1 The place we order from for dinner had the most outrageous chips I've ever eaten in my entire life. I think they were the best chips I've ever eaten.
I could hear the crunch from across the room.

Speaker 1 What was that place called? It was Taco Bell. Taco Bell.

Speaker 1 Rosario. Rosario.
Rosario. Rosario.

Speaker 1 Rosario rips. So good.

Speaker 1 When they come by, when the server comes by, you get so excited. You look at your knuckles, maybe bash them together for a second, and then look at your watch and get

Speaker 1 so dejected. yeah yeah and say not yet i guess i'll just have fajitas

Speaker 1 what do you and then you pull up your shirt you've got fajitas time tattooed on your tummy yeah get another tattoo under taco time that says like 4 38 p.m yes

Speaker 1 get a get a palm tattoo that says not and then you can just kind of semaphore your orders out sounds good um does it sound good sandy sandy what's your order?

Speaker 1 If you're not going to get tacos, what are you in the mood for usually? Chicken nuggets. I mean, it's all good, but usually enchiladas.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I have to assume, Sandy, that you do have an affinity for tacos. I do.
Okay, great. All right.
So maybe

Speaker 1 just buckle in and get some tacos, Sandy. You made a commitment.
You made a commitment. That's very true.
That's very true. Maybe you should order a side of tacos just for the bit.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, just for the gag. I think it would be such a bummer to not be able to bring you tacos.
could you get a tiny tattoo that's a question mark after time so for the taco time

Speaker 1 is it is it

Speaker 1 tell them the owner said you could get free tacos with that tattoo whenever you wanted can you know before you go to the restaurant you don't want tacos and wear gloves instead

Speaker 1 like justin has on yeah

Speaker 1 I'll need to invest in some driving paraphernalia, sure. Yeah, absolutely.
It's a cool look, and it's kind of the year for it, man. So

Speaker 1 sounds good. Does that help? Tremendously.
Thank you so much, Sandy.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 2 I'm Amelia. She, her.

Speaker 1 Hi, Amelia.

Speaker 2 Well, I wrote in two questions.

Speaker 1 You sent in one about a gas station visitor.

Speaker 2 The important one is.

Speaker 1 One of these is a pressing issue.

Speaker 2 How do I get this gentleman to stop coming in and asking for 25 delicious dollars in gas?

Speaker 1 Oh, are you okay?

Speaker 1 Yeah, 25. Say it again, please.

Speaker 2 Well, that's the problem. That's all he says.

Speaker 1 Hello, no, no, sorry.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Amelia. It's worth saying twice.

Speaker 2 He says, he walks in, he's very emphatic. He says, hello, can I have 25 delicious dollars on Pump 1?

Speaker 1 Yeah, in gas.

Speaker 1 He's not demanding money from you. Yeah.
Hey, I'm the weirdest robber in history. No, no, no, no.
In gas, in gas. Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, my calling card. I make everyone uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 I'm an eccentric gentleman thief with some overdue library books. I gotta give you credit, Amelia, because the no would have been out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about it.

Speaker 1 Absolutely not. I do not have that for you, and you cannot access it.
Thank you, Amelia. Try again tomorrow in a less weird fashion, please.

Speaker 2 The issue is that I try to be, you know, like have good customer service, but I can't stop stop myself from laughing at this person.

Speaker 1 Amelia. They say, Amelia.
Amelia. Amelia.
That's the problem.

Speaker 1 The first time that person came in, they misspoke.

Speaker 1 They didn't mean to say delicious because that's not a thing human. Wait, okay, no.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 He said it twice to two different people.

Speaker 1 Wait, Amelia. No, stop.
Did they laugh?

Speaker 1 Okay, away. Why did the second person, would they have been within earshot of the first person? Like, did he know he was delivering it a second?

Speaker 2 Absolutely, he did not. My co-worker texted me a few days earlier, and he was like, It's crazy.
This guy just came in and asked me for 25 delicious dollars.

Speaker 1 And then of gasoline. You have gasoline

Speaker 1 and gas.

Speaker 2 And then I was like, haha, that's funny. And I moved on with my life.

Speaker 1 And then a few days later, were you Starstruck?

Speaker 1 I wasn't.

Speaker 1 Whoa, Jim.

Speaker 2 It was a regular who had come many times times before, and he's never said this before.

Speaker 2 But this time, this time, a little bit after he said it to my coworker, now he comes in to me. And first he asks me, how am I doing? And I say, good.
And he's like, that's excellent news.

Speaker 1 Can I have 25 delicious drugs?

Speaker 1 Amelia, listen, this is going to sound like a joke. And I get that.
But weird things happen.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's how

Speaker 1 on a scale from one to ten,

Speaker 1 how strongly did the feeling hit you of maybe this person has been taken over by an alien and they're learning how to talk like a human being or ghost. Maybe they aren't.

Speaker 1 I'm asking Amelia, give me an honest answer. Well,

Speaker 2 no, I thought he was human because I have come to expect this from our customers. I didn't know.

Speaker 1 I actually...

Speaker 1 Wait, what the fuck does that mean?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Hey, Amelia, here's my I think from now on. You know who deserves good customer service? Good customer service.

Speaker 1 And that's what Chili's offers you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Amelia, have you ever, and this is a, I think I know the answer to this question, but have you ever seen him eating money?

Speaker 1 Or eating gasoline.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I watched him leave.
Nothing weird happened after that. I just thought, I guess he thinks it's a normal thing.

Speaker 1 He doesn't do. He doesn't doesn't shove the pump into his exhaust port in his chest.

Speaker 1 Or just keep walking. You realize he doesn't have a car

Speaker 1 and suddenly he's rising off the ground.

Speaker 2 Well, the thing about that is that I kind of overemphasize the amount he asks for. Usually it's two to three dollars.

Speaker 1 Two to three deliveries. Okay, no, wait, hold on, Amelia.

Speaker 2 It's a pickup truck.

Speaker 1 Two to three dollars every single day. How often does he come in?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 2 every single day. Okay.

Speaker 1 But he's never said this before. This is my one-time thing.

Speaker 1 This is a killer drink. He's been trying to work up the nerves.
That's why he buys so little every day.

Speaker 1 He promises himself he's going to say it. Amelia,

Speaker 1 I think every other person in this room is sitting here

Speaker 1 secretly jealous of you. This is a wonderful human encounter.
Yeah, really.

Speaker 1 Does that help?

Speaker 2 Not at all, but I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Amelia.

Speaker 1 Right on.

Speaker 1 I believe we had one more. Yes, hello.
Hello, my friend.

Speaker 5 Hi, my name is Bennett.

Speaker 1 Hi, Bennett. Hi, Bennett.

Speaker 5 So, yeah, the other day I was thinking about the fact that my family has like a weird thing with three-letter names, like dad, bomb mom, Jan, brother, Lee, uncle, Jim, and K, so on and so forth.

Speaker 1 That was tough to follow. Yeah, yeah, but we get it.
The point is, it's a lot. You were saying you have a dad named Dad.
No. And I was like,

Speaker 1 cool.

Speaker 5 But yeah, and then I thought, I was thinking about Lee's name, and it's like, oh, shit, I have no idea how to spell Lee's middle name.

Speaker 1 Sorry, this is your brother.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's my younger brother, Lee. I'm 30, and he's 28.
So it's, I can't.

Speaker 1 You don't know how to spell your younger brother's name.

Speaker 5 Yeah, like, well, Lee, obviously, like, that one's pretty simple. Slampy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all pretty good on working.
Good areas.

Speaker 1 No wrong answer to this. Yeah.
What is Lee's middle name? Macmillan.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Hey, fucking damn it.
I get it.

Speaker 1 Wild

Speaker 1 middle name. Yeah.
And I was trying to think about it.

Speaker 5 It's like, ooh,

Speaker 5 I feel like when I was little, I used to say Macmillan. Like, was that actually enough? I'm gaslighting myself now, like, to what it actually is.

Speaker 1 Oh, is Lee here tonight? No. Oh,

Speaker 1 okay. That's what I wanted to know, too.
That was a huge.

Speaker 1 That was going to be a mistake.

Speaker 5 I was safe too because he doesn't listen to McBambam or anything.

Speaker 1 All right, fuck safe.

Speaker 1 You walk up to him and say, hey, Lee, you think you're so fucking great? Anybody don't want to listen to the show? How do you even spell your middle name? Guess what, Lee?

Speaker 1 I know two of your three names now.

Speaker 1 I have power over you.

Speaker 1 Hey, can I say something, Bennett? Sure. Absolutely, crabsolutely, do not say your last name at that microphone.

Speaker 1 If you can't, you haven't said your middle name yet, but if you care about your brother Lee, you will not say your surname on that microphone.

Speaker 5 True question. Bennett is my middle name.
That's what I go by.

Speaker 1 Got me again. Is your first name Macmillan? No.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 go to your brother and say, hey, right now, I bet you can't write my middle name properly.

Speaker 1 Because there could be like three N's in there for all I know. People get

Speaker 1 it all the time.

Speaker 5 It's two E's, two N's, two T's.

Speaker 1 The only answer by itself is. But one B? Yes, exactly.
That's the trick. I would have written it, but Bennett.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. I mean, this is a tough one.
Getting someone to write their middle name down sounds like how you

Speaker 1 trick Rumpelstiltskin into killing himself or something. Can I tell you something?

Speaker 1 With no context, I tried to explain the story of Rumpelstiltskin to my daughters the other day. It's fucking wild.
At no step were they having any part of this. Yeah, no way.
They were like, wait.

Speaker 1 And the king thought, what? And he said what to her? And then she did what? And he had a spoon? And I was like, yeah, listen, there's no part of this that makes any goddamn sense.

Speaker 1 So, Bennett, does that help?

Speaker 1 I mean, it's essentially just don't ask.

Speaker 1 No, you can't, you can, hey, someday your brother will die. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, shut up.
Now listen. No, that's not.

Speaker 1 That's the worst scenario because it's like, what do you want to put on his gravestone?

Speaker 1 Like, just for juicy.

Speaker 1 Get it like a fancy script so you can't really tell. You wore a real aged stone.
You know, like this has been here since the 1800s.

Speaker 1 You don't have to wait for him to pass to get his gravestone our dad's already got one which is so cool for us to go and see from time to time

Speaker 1 get it now get that middle name on there you're in the clear does that help Bennett sure

Speaker 1 Thank you so much, Bennett. Thank you, Bennett.
Glad we can help you so much. No one disagrees that we helped.
And thank you so much, San Antonio, for coming to our live show. What an incredible town.

Speaker 1 Hey.

Speaker 1 I loved it. It's fucking amazing.
I love this.

Speaker 1 We have, of course, some more posters for sale out in the lobby. They were designed by John Barlow.
I am fucking wild about this poster, and you can get one for yourself.

Speaker 1 We also, I believe, still have some challenge coins for the Paul Saborn Memorial Canned Food Drive for sale out in the lobby, which go to benefit the San Antonio Food Bank. Awesome.

Speaker 1 Also, tomorrow we're

Speaker 1 doing Adventure Zone and then my brother, my brother, me and Austin and Griffin's driving there tonight and we're driving there tomorrow. So I know it's drivable.
Come on. on.

Speaker 1 I know you all could be there. We also want to say thank you to Paul and Amanda and Rachel and Clint,

Speaker 1 our dad, for helping us with the show tonight. Thank you to the Tobin Center.

Speaker 1 Wonderful to be here.

Speaker 1 And thanks, y'all, for coming to our show. We really, really appreciate it.
Seriously, it's absolutely rambunctious and fun. I hope you have fun.
I hope you liked it. We had a great time.

Speaker 1 I had a good time. I had a kick-ass time, and I want to thank Montane for the use for a theme song, My Life is Better With You.
And it's a Bob.

Speaker 1 And I want to thank that cursor for being my shiny song.

Speaker 1 I genuinely do not think it's fine. We have to cut it every time because there's no continuity.

Speaker 1 Hey, we've been asking you for your fears that you want to be faster than in the year of our Lord 20 Thunder Drive.

Speaker 1 What is our fear for this episode, Griffin? This final fear, to leave us off. This year, I vow to be faster than my fear that Dennis Rodman will show up unannounced and throw money at me again.

Speaker 1 My name's Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.
I'm Griffin McElroy. Smith, my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad square on the lips.

Speaker 1 It's better with you.

Speaker 1 It's better with you.

Speaker 1 It's better, it's better with you.

Speaker 1 It's better, it's better with you.

Speaker 1 Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.