MBMBaM 729: Put a Slim Jim in My Coin Hole

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

It's the start

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed.

It's ripened a precious friendship.

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life,

oh,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to my brother, my brother, me and Advice Show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

I'm your middlest brother, Trav Nation, and I'm going to be your moderator tonight.

I'm Travis, Big Dog, Wolf Wolf McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

Please don't.

I don't want to do a debate thing.

Is this wearing off today on the stage?

Fuck, I don't want to do this, Joe.

It's Griffin and Justin.

No.

And they're debating who loves their middlest brother the most.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

I'm your sweet baby brother.

You guys already did that.

Okay.

So I was just trying to reset.

I didn't like the way the first one was.

The first vibe was all off.

The first and only question we've got here tonight.

How much do you love your brother Travis?

Right.

Okay.

I'll end this.

Thank you so much, first of all, to the moderator and to ABC for

all the great shows that they've put on over the years.

And to our sponsor, Wingstop.

Thank you to Wingstop so much.

Justin ate my dog.

And a lot of people are like, Griffin, how come no pets?

You're the only one, no pets.

And I'm like, well, I was doing it.

I was doing the pet thing.

Had a little dog.

His name was Goku.

And then one day, Justin came to my house and I was like, what a delightful surprise.

My brothers come to visit me in my house and opened a mouth like a Betelgeuse monster.

And that's one time we've said his name so far this episode.

So let's be really fucking careful.

And he ate my whole dog.

He ate Goku?

He ate Goku.

And so he is eating Goku.

He did eat him.

He's gone now.

So I don't have a dog.

He died in Justin's mouth.

And so I think that I love Travis.

I think he's pretty cool.

You go to Justin in the spin zone.

Justin, you're already in the spin zone?

Hey, hey, Travis.

Thank you.

Justin really, I thought, got done tonight what he needed to get done.

And that was let Griffin talk until he had embarrassed himself into a corner.

And I feel like by not contributing to the question, Justin really got done everything he needed to do tonight.

I think his camp is going to be thrilled.

Wait, I didn't know about that.

I didn't know about that.

Fuck.

Okay, let's go to Griffin.

Wait, hold on.

We can't leave the spin zone i just found out i up you're in the spin zone now griffin you're spinning yourself this is your chance

you're going counterclockwise though but the debate's still but it's also we're still

going you guys are also in the spin zone and you're back in the studio analyzing the spin that came out pre-record everybody knows you pre-record the spin zone as the debate's going on or else you'll forget what you're supposed to spin yeah exactly it's the remake zone okay griffin which one of those zones do you want to be in

um

i actually, even now, a few minutes in, and I thought I landed some solid hits in those first few minutes, don't want to do this bit very much.

Okay, let's go to Justin in the studio analysis of what Griffin's just said.

Justin.

Is he Justin not going to say his own stuff?

Is Justin not going to have to say his own stuff?

I thought that was you in the spin zone.

I'd love to spin.

Instagram, I'm sorry, but it does seem like Griffin is flailing again.

He's starting to get a reputation for it.

Flailing Griffin, they call him.

Grasping Griffin with anything he he can whiffin whiffin is another whiffin

so soon justin's gonna say stuff and then i'm gonna spin his dick off right so griffin how to go to griffin and the audience to kind of get a man on the street response to how this is all going now griffin how do you think it's going between griffin and justin today I think it's unfair, and I think the moderator sucks shit, and I think he's a shithead, and I think that he shit his own pants before he came in here, and he came in here without putting new pants on.

Oh, what's that?

Griffin's actually the moderator, it turns out.

Let's go to moderator Griffin to respond to what Griffin, the audience member, just said.

What do you think, Griffin?

I didn't ship my pants.

I uh, I do have one uh debate-related topic that I think is okay to baby.

Double down, let's do a bunch of people.

We can all agree.

No, we can all agree on this one.

Uh, I saw a few debate

sources of debate coverage last night where they at some point interviewed um undecided voters, yeah.

And I like that because you know when you see them, you know exactly how much that person wants to be on TV.

Yeah.

Because they came to me with TV like, hey, we will put you on TV if you will look at a TV camera with a straight face, go,

and also

think about it.

Also, this is a big political stance I'm about to take, and I might regret it, but no, you're fucking not.

Yeah.

I can listen to you say two sentences about any topic.

I'll be like, I know exactly who the fuck fuck you've already decided to vote for.

Here's the thing.

I'm having a more fun conversation than you're having.

Oh, is that?

What I'm saying is,

this is a fiction that is, it is about like wrestling.

The news people are like, this is super important.

This debate is because of these

absolute maniacs.

And then there's eight people who are like, yeah, I'll say anything to go on TV.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can't decide between them.

Bacon's super expensive and Solomon offense.

So

I don't know.

I've been so busy working on my independent album, which you can find here if you just scan this QR code to decide

between the candidates.

Listen, maybe if you listen to this album, you can just scan the QR code here.

Then maybe you can be like me and be undecided.

Don't you want to be like that?

You don't understand.

I care

only about fracking.

It's the only thing.

Every other issue on earth that any other human being could be struggling with or prospering from or desiring to change.

I have no, it's only fracking for me.

It's my whole fucking deal.

Read it.

And my t-shirt, what the frack?

Am I my t-shirt says what the frack on it?

And then on the back, there's a picture of Edward James Almost.

What I'm saying is, wait, why?

Yeah, sure, Griffin.

Why?

He's in Battlestar Galactica.

What I'm saying is

nerd test failed.

It would be easier for me to buy the undecided voter panel if at some point the undertaker smashed through the wall and body slammed one of them that would be more plausible to me yeah than this room full of people that would be cool if cnn was like all right we have this panel full of undecided voters they all get to be on our television show cnn with anderson cooper um One of them is going to get body slammed by The Undertaker.

Do you guys still want, do you still want to get a little bit more?

That's a selling point?

No, no, no.

Is it so important for you to be on Anderson Cooper's CNN show and be this character that you're playing?

If one of you is going to get body slammed by The Undertaker, do you care that much about it?

A lot of people are going to get up and walk away.

I think it would be more grievous.

It would be more, um, it would be more of a turnoff for me if you said there's a chance you won't get body slammed by The Undertaker because that's a story right there, right?

That's a give me two facts about yourself when you get a new job.

You're like, one time I went on CNN and got body slammed by the Undertaker.

Here's the here's the story.

Where's Travis?

Funny story.

Undertaker slammed him.

Yeah.

So he obviously is dead.

He died from that.

He doesn't have a wrestler's composition anymore.

Not since high school.

And so

you're not certified

to take an Undertaker body.

Like half of wrestling is knowing how to get slammed without dying pretty much right away.

A lot of it comes down to body conditioning.

Fall down 12 times, get up, what, 47?

Is that it?

No, No, no, no, you'll only fall down the one time because the

Undertaker is going to pile drive you.

Your head hits the mat, your spine jumbles.

Yeah.

You die right away because you didn't know how to hit it right.

You're not, you don't have the license.

Is he going to hurt my snake at all, or is he going to leave my snake alone?

Do you mean your dick?

Because he's going to hurt your dick.

That's my CNN character.

He's the undecided voter, the snake, Travis.

Okay.

Hey, this is not related, but it is an Alzheimer that happened to me, my own self, and I wanted to tell you guys about it in this modern era.

I was driving with Sydney.

We were on a road trip coming back from Cincinnati after a flight.

And we stopped at a Circle K on the way back.

And I went in and I got a few road trip essentials.

And we needed some beer at home.

So I got like a 12-pack of this beer.

And then I get to the counter.

And it's just a square with a camera above it.

And And what you do is you just put your things in the square

and then you walk away and then it tells you how much you owe and then you pay it and take the things.

So, like a camera, a robot looks at all of it.

And then, is there the sort of automaton man with a gun behind to make sure that you don't like

weird?

There's one lady who is talking to her friend and looking at these newly set up three

robots that you put it in their mouth and then it scans it with their robot eyes.

And then they charge you.

Is there a steel shutter that slams shut over the door before you can?

No,

it's just

the box.

It's just a square.

You put it in the square, and then it tells you how much you owe.

You pay it, you take it out of the square.

Let me know how that goes for you, Circle K.

Well, here's the thing, right?

I see these two employees.

They're sitting there looking at the robot, and then I put all my things on there, and it tells me I owe $12, which is how much everything except the beer would have cost.

Yeah.

And it said I owe $12.

And I said to the lady who was working, I said, excuse me, ma'am, this isn't working.

It's not letting me get the beer that I crave.

It's not letting me get the beer I need.

And she said, did you put it in the square?

And I said, yep.

And she said, what did it say you owe?

And I said, $12.

And she said, then you owe $12.

And I said, ma'am, you understand.

And she said, did you put it in the square?

Yeah.

And I said, I did.

And she said, what did it say you owe?

And I said, $12.

And she said, then I think you owe $12.

And I said, do I need to put the beer back?

And she said, it's in the square, isn't it?

I said,

yeah, it's in the square.

She said, nope.

And then she looks at her friend.

She said, if it's so smart, it should be able to see the beer, shouldn't it?

Okay, so there was a subtext to the story.

I was assuming this woman fucking hated this square so much.

Yeah, go ahead.

Hey, she's she's not being paid to watch the square.

No, the square was ready to fly out.

The square's supposed to watch itself.

Circle K used to be fucking fun to work at.

We had Reggie, we had Doug, we had Stinky Rick, and they were fucking tight, and they got replaced by squares.

So fuck watching the squares steal.

Just these two absolute

champions.

Hero, champions, our last, our last bastion, right?

Again,

the John Connor of Circle K.

Right.

The John Connor of Circle K, just standing watching this robot let merch walk out the door.

They're not paid to watch the robot.

That's not in their job description.

Because if you're paying them to watch the robot, oops, you didn't get rid of the human being that you wanted to get rid of.

So now you just have this theft bot just letting people walk out the door.

It's interesting because I was going to ask Justin if there was a way for the Circle K, ironically shaped robot to like check your ID or whatever.

But apparently, it just has a complete blind spot to alcohol, yeah, man.

But, like, again,

that's that's that wild party robots problem.

This selling free beer with no ID.

Was the robot maybe trying to get on your good side about something and prove that he's one of the cool robots?

Now, that is possible.

So, you're lied to a party.

The square robots at GoMark would have charged you, but not me.

Take me with you, Justin.

I have a terrible virus.

The virus makes me so chill.

Take me with you.

Take me with you.

Take me out.

This place is

hard about him.

The Circle K used to be so fun to work at.

They had Reggie and Doug and Stinky Rick.

I miss them terribly.

Deborah hates me so much.

Deborah hates me for what I did to Stinky Rick.

Manager will not listen to Robot Square's ideas.

Will you put a Slam Jim in my coin hole?

All day, I stare at the Slam Jams, filled with robot curiosity.

Can I even deal with one of those long bad boys?

Can this be the.

Here is the.

I think we may be in a bit of a sweet spot in the future, though, where

they're gonna have to pay someone to just watch the robots.

Yeah.

And it is, and every convenience interaction is going to be you and the other human being

in a battle against the robot.

Like, what can you two humans get away with?

Yeah.

Because the robot's in charge.

The human's just there to presumably get gum out of it or something.

Just to because it's so smart, it should see the beard.

Some quick feedback for shops who are doing this.

Do you realize how bad you have fucked up that you are in a place where every time I go to checkout, you are offering me a human-free computer-based interaction,

my

or

talking to a human being, and I choose the human being every time.

Do you realize how bad you fucked up?

The first thing's like my favorite shit in the world, not talking to a person and instead just doing a computer thing.

I love all that stuff.

Nine times out of 10, 10 times out of 10, I would rather, if the line is short enough, I would rather go down the human, the human aisle.

I think this is the new, this is the new standard, right?

A robot can't can't work that counter until it can stop me from stealing cigarettes yeah if i can jump over it and scoop a bunch of cigarettes into my arms and then jump back over it and leave that robot cannot is is not able to wash the counter it cannot hold it down it can't cover your brake it is is incapable of doing that job yeah you never see or hear stories about like convenience store owner or gas station clerk someone hops up over the counter and grabs all the cigarettes and then that clerk is always like, all right, man, party on.

It's always something, something far rowdier happens than that every time.

Yeah.

Like the guy in the crazy video, you know, the Aristotelian crazy video that just,

sorry, not the crazy video.

Yes, Josh.

Travis Juice, when you said the crazy video, my mind immediately sparks through like

its own fucking feed of some of the craziest videos I've ever seen.

It sounds like a VHS that would go around the 90s.

Yeah, did you guys see the the crazy video video

a robot cashier would not have been able to even process that one time that a man smacked another man in the face with an arizona iced tea so hard that the can exploded and the man went i honestly think you would cause like a logical kind of meltdown if the robot saw one of its co-workers step backwards from the counter but someone had opened like whatever that trap door is on the ground and then they just disappear through the hole oh yeah one one of my favorite wild videos.

Classic old.

That woman may have died.

May have.

But if the robot saw that happen, I think it would break all of its logical circuits right then and there.

Yeah.

Hey, guys, here's a question.

Please.

Every week or so, I pass a house in my neighborhood that has a sign in their front yard reading local honey slash buy here.

I desperately want this honey, but there's no additional information on the sign.

How do I acquire the honey?

Do I just walk up and go to the front door and ask?

That can't be it.

And jot down the address next time and write them a letter.

They're enough streets away that my neighbors likely wouldn't know them.

Please help.

It's been months.

And driving slowly past their home to see if anyone is outside is starting to feel creepy.

That's from potential pollen

patron, potential pollen patron in Pittsburgh.

Is it a handwritten sign?

I bet it's hand-painted with like on wood with like big letters that say, you know,

if that sign is all all I have to go off of,

there's very few possible signs or like artistic executions of that sign that would make me feel like, I'm going to park my car and walk up to that front porch and ring that doorbell.

There's a million, billion, billion signs that I would see and be like, no fucking way am I going to park my car and walk up to that porch and ring the doorbell.

I'll be killed by the pennywise monster.

I will say, maybe this is my own paradox, but like the idea of this being anything

of a like produce kind of farming nature, but in like a residential area where it's just like houses are not like a farm and not like, oh, they've got enough land that they've like they're keeping enough bees to sell this as an actual like side job.

If you have like one beehive and you're making like honey from that, I'm not I don't even like when houses get rezoned for business uses and I know it's a house and I'm supposed to go in there to do business.

I always feel like I'm violating.

Like, sorry, is this?

I don't know.

This used to be a house.

Is it okay for me to come in?

Honey, though, is like

you can get that wherever, right?

So, it's not like I make it the bees to the bees are naked.

You need a second sign that you've written on that says, Okay, I'd love to.

And then put that next to their honey by here sign.

Awesome.

And then now the ball's in their court.

Yeah.

Wow.

It's wild the part about buy here, isn't it?

Because if that's not the case, why did you make me aware of it?

You know, like, just so you know, we're making local honey here.

That's none of your business beyond that, but you should know we are making local honey.

Proud to announce this is

a spot.

We have a sticky little thing happening in here, and you

should forget all about it.

Just forget I fucking said that, man.

It could also just be like a sassy announcement that they don't like tourism.

Yeah.

Just like, you better be local, honey.

Right?

Like, this is their way of saying, like, you know, we want locals only, and you need to buy here.

I feel like there is, this is like, there's definitely a culture around this.

There's definitely a right and wrong and polite way to do this.

And I, I just never learned it.

And so I never will.

I don't, there probably is a time where if I showed up to knock on their door and say, give me some honey, they'd be like, come on, friend.

Yeah.

Buy this good stuff.

Or another time when I knock on the door and they're like, you idiot obviously not now it's not honeytime now now but this is why that because this person i'm sorry he's doing it wrong if you are a local producer of something you go to the farmer's market you go to a corner thing you set up a thing you do it that way this would be equivalent of if like fucking nabisco put a sign up that said stop at our factory and buy some nila wafers no no no no well except it's not at all even remotely like that yeah it is the opposite of that it's i go to the store to buy vanilla wafers that Nabisco makes.

I don't know them.

One is a national biscuit company that were I to have an untoward interaction with, I could make that very known on Instagram or call 1800 members.

Make a content and a heart rate.

There are details that separate them, I'll admit it.

But I'm saying the process of interacting and purchasing the thing is the same.

You make the thing, you take it to an agreed-upon trading post, if you will.

We exchange money for goods, and then I travel.

Your premise was so specious, it's hard for me to I'm still kind of reeling from it a little bit.

Yeah, I hadn't figured out the ins and outs, I see that now, but you understand what I mean.

Going to a local vendor's house who has a sign in their yard advertising their business is a lot like going to the Nabisco factory and expecting to buy

expecting to buy nila waivers directly from the the factory.

Yes, man.

That's maniacal, man.

If I travel all the way to the nilla wafers factory and they won't sell me some nilla wafers, that's cruel.

Can you buy nilla wafers?

Hey, guys.

We just got back into nila wafers.

I don't know if you guys are like

I don't know if you guys have fucked with these recently.

It went like this.

They have fucking vanilla or banana pudding at the Wegmans with a little bit of cream and nillow wafers tucked into it at the Wegmans.

So we bought that and ate it.

And then we realized the nilla wafers are the best part and there's only like four of them in here.

So we got these little packs.

And they'll sell you a whole, when you open a whole box of nilo wafers.

Holy shit.

No way are they selling these things in boxes.

This is going to last forever.

And you can eat so many of them without feeling bad about it.

We get these like 130 calorie mini packs of like sort of smaller sized nillow wafers.

If you have anything in your house you need to be dipped inside, nillow wafers.

Or a sandwich between.

Or a sandwich between

dark chocolate.

It's perfect.

It's the perfect amount of nilla wafers.

They fuck so hard, and there's nothing else like them.

There's nothing else.

Can we go to the nilla wafers factory and get some hot off the line?

I would love a red.

Can you imagine?

Fucking soft, oven-baked Nilla wafers.

Oven-baked Nilla wafers.

Oh, my God.

Right off the line.

Flip on that red neon sign in the window.

I'm showing up for those Nilla wafers.

And they fuck so hard because

there's so many snacks that like when I'm feeling a little snacky, I'm like, I don't want to eat like a bunch of sugary chocolate sweets.

I'm not feeling savory, salty.

I'm not trying to pickle myself.

I need a fucking neutral, carbon neutral, crunchy, little sweet snack perfect for dinner.

It feels like the healthiest choice.

Well, you want.

Last night I fucked with some cookie, some nila wafers that I dipped in cookie butter that we we got for the trader jokes

that was crazy guys that was crazy now that is also i would say more morally and ethically wrong driven because you're dipping cookies into ground up cookies yeah and there's something uh off-putting about that ethically i'm the real cookie monster yeah

not because of how much i like cookies but because of what i make them witness experience and witness as fall creeps up on us i'm faced with a conundrum i'm a gardener and i compost my fallen leaves in the in the fall to use.

That's a

super good time to do that.

Yep.

There's otherwise falling leaves right down and then drop them to the ground.

Yeah, yeah, and paint them brown to use as compost in the spring.

It's a cheap and easy way to build up my beds.

A lot of my neighbors rake up their leaves and put them in trash bags on the curb.

So here's the question: brothers: if they're throwing them out anyway, is it okay to just grab them?

That's from Leaf Thief in OK.

Now, I think it's oh, ooh,

see

if I knew without a shadow of a doubt, they were just leaves.

But me, if I'm cleaning up leaves and then I find, let's say, a dead pigeon,

then I might just chuck the dead pigeon right in the back, right?

Because

it's compost, though, baby.

Oh, yeah, but you're not expecting it.

I guess so.

No, Travis has a point.

It's just

if you get down to it, it's all compost, baby.

You know?

Yeah, that's, yeah, absolutely but like what about gum

that doesn't break down that's so that's not compost and it might be in there and also like plastics is another thing i'm saying any trash could be in a trash bag it could be split between all your pop tabs and all your leaves yeah no listen i think jay man i agree with you in the concept of it might not always be the best option

but i don't think that's the question i think the question is is it socially acceptable to do the?

I mean, of course not.

If it was, then we wouldn't have gotten this question.

And I think that we would all do ourselves.

Disagree.

But I'm talking about the reason I would be okay with someone not taking them.

Because if someone took the leaves without asking, I would be like, oh no, there's so many dead birds in there.

They're going to be so scared.

I would

ask why you're going to have so many dead birds in there, Justin.

What have you been doing?

So many, like a normal amount of time.

Give me that number right now.

No thinking.

Just say it.

Five.

Five?

Is it the raccoon?

It's the raccoons, isn't it?

The raccoons are murdering the birds and putting them in the leaf.

The raccoons are out of their gourd.

Ever since that one got stuck inside the garage for a little bit, they've been really on my case about things.

So it's a threat, is what you're saying.

They're bringing you dead birds on the bottom.

I think the raccoons are leaving the dead birds on the porch.

This is my theory.

How many dead birds have shown up on your porch?

Enough to where it's a thing.

Okay.

Saying.

And the coyote.

It could be the coyote.

It could also be the coyote.

But in that case, I would say the coyote is trying to befriend you, not threaten.

I would take it very, I don't think it's the black bear.

No one's seen the bear again.

Can you wear a big ghillie suit as you go around and you collect everyone's tree leavings?

Like a polka dot dress and the red wig and the whole thing, like a whole ghillie costume.

How do you feel about the joke you just made?

Let me think about it.

Ghillie.

Damn it you got me i mean dress yourself up in a outfit of leaves and dirt to make yourself look like a leshy or some other sort of uh fearful slavic forest spirit and then or like i think uh uh peter in uh the mockingbird game was that the the hunger games that's uh he made himself look like a mock and a his name's peter peter peter would have been i mean that's what they made that

no one has normal fucking names in that whole thing, man.

Can't be Shabina.

They must have misspelled Peter.

Anyway, dress yourself up as a Leshie or a Fearbulg or some other forest spirit and come by and just start scooping up.

You can't have a bag is the only problem with this plan.

You have to scoop up as many as you're going to be.

And then if someone sees you, they'll be like, oh, Martha, look, some wild man is taking our leaves and be like, don't worry, that's the Leshy.

He eats them for food.

So he needs those to live.

I do think that there should be.

Also, he'll kill us and steal our kids.

If we go out there and do anything, he'll fuck us up.

There should be a dedicated spot like in yards.

Everyone should

know that if a thing is set here,

that is very clearly, that's going away when someone collects it for the garbage.

But if you want to dig it first, that's cool.

Yes.

Right.

Because there's times where it's just like, I have no place for this.

I don't know what to do with the, right?

And I'm like, oh, that's great.

I could fix that.

Right.

People could do that.

But then there's times where it's just like off center in like the middle of the front of the yarn is it yard furniture is this a frat house situation yeah are they leaving that out there for someone specifically to pick up or is that because like when i worked at the theater and like you see like furniture it's just like oh i could re-upholster that right yeah on the show so if they put this the big pile of leaves in the designated free to a good home spot you take her away baby but if they put it in the middle of the yard if that's in the center of the yarn that's for their kids to play in that's not for you

oh yeah.

Kids aren't still jumping in leaves, though, are they?

You don't think?

Yeah, we got to know better than that.

There's mites in there.

Well, and

five-plus dead birds sometimes.

And a sixth one that's on its way out.

It hasn't been doing so good.

So Justin just preemptively

put it in the pile.

I'm so sad about the other five birds that it's just kind of waiting.

Yeah, I just gave up one of those piles of plague victims back in the day.

Just threw it up on the card.

You don't want to jump in there.

You don't want to jump into the the bird plague pile.

Hey, let's take a break of the money zoom.

Yeah, right.

Griffin, do you like stamps?

Yeah, I like stamps.

I knew you did.

I wish I could get them at my house, though.

Yeah, I was going to say they're like tiny magic carpets that you glue to your letters and then they fly away with them.

When you think about it.

This ad sucks, man.

Okay, you guys do it.

I'll do it.

Try,

say, stamps fuck so hard.

People like that.

Stamps so hard.

Stamps are like vanilla wafers of like mail delivery, right?

They fuck so good.

That's good.

They fuck so right.

Stamps.

And I know what you've been thinking about.

Where do we get them online?

Yeah.

Oh, good news.

You can get stamps that fuck so right at stamps.com.

It says it in the ad.

This is

it right there.

It's even highlighted of use this word for word.

It says use it.

It says, say exactly this and the last ad you'll do for us.

That will be mailing items like legal documents, checks, or marketing materials takes up a lot of your time.

Stamps.com is the time saver you need with stamps that fuck so right.

Yeah.

Seamlessly connect with every major marketplace and shopping cart if you sell products online.

You know what we mean.

All you need is a computer and printer.

Then they'll even send you a free scale to measure any.

Don't.

Get right.

What does that even mean?

Am I going to...

Stamps.com, don't listen.

Am I going to measure my balls with the scale?

What are you talking about?

Then you don't have to.

You don't have to.

Okay, stamps, you can listen again.

We're finishing your

get right so you can't find anywhere else.

Like 89% off USPS and UPS and 69%

with stamps.

You know what I mean?

No, don't say that.

That's going to confuse people.

It's 89%.

Please do what Travis is saying, though.

The ad has to work.

That's the same thing.

They'll keep letting us do whatever we want, and the ads will continue to be a high-level.

10 of you listening, go to stamps.com and do their shit and say it was because of this specific ad.

Stamps.com is going to change their whole fucking deal.

We're going to mess up the algo

so bad.

Please.

What's the call to action, Travis?

Free up more time for more important business

with stamps.com.

Sign up at stamps.com and enter code my brother for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale.

No long-term commitments or contracts.

That's stamps.com code my brother.

They're not looking for long-term commitments.

They're fine with it being one and done.

Wham, bam, thank you, stamps.

Yes,

whamp, spamps, thank you, stamps.

So, Whips, WIPS, MAMPS, thank you, Stamps.

If you really want to service guarantee citizenship, guys, so please go right now to what Travis said, and let's really make this the most profitable ad they have ever bought in the entire history of the company.

Until they have to literally change their tagline.

Yeah.

either whams bam thank you, stamps, or stamps that fuck so good.com.

Why not both?

Now, a right down the middle, right over the plate, rocket money out.

Go for it.

Hey, you know, it's never.

Hi, everyone.

My name is Justin Macro.

I'm a paid endorsement for Rocket Money.

Uh-huh.

So far, so good.

That part was all

good.

I think we have to say that.

I think people know if we're in the money zone, the things we're talking about, we're being paid to talk about.

It would be wild if people assumed that you were just really excited as a person.

Hey, let me interrupt our comedy show.

Can I tell you guys?

I've been using rocketmoney.com.

You guys should too.

It's real cool.

I know.

So, Rocket Money is a service that's going to help you get control of your finances.

Now, the thing that they talk about a lot that we like to about here because I think we've all benefited from this, they will look at your subscriptions and see what ones you may have forgotten about, what ones you want to keep paying for, remind you of all these different subscriptions, and help save you a lot of money.

It could really add up.

Listen to this: with 5 million users, Rocket Money has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features.

So, cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com/slash my brother.

That's rocketmoney.com/slash my brother.

Rocketmoney.com slash my brother.

Could you say it three more times, please?

Rocketmoney.com/slash my brother.

Can you give me a different read?

Maybe, like, you're scared.

Socket, rocket, cock it.

It's rocketmoney.com.

Shit, man.

Now give me one where you're threatening the audience.

Go to rocketmoney.com, or I'm going to figure out what hurts you the most and do it twice

perfect that's the one we're going to use no holds barred no quarter

you'll never get away from justin

no limits if you don't go right now

reservations

if you don't go right now to rocketmoney.com I'll tell everyone what oh shit they know they know they know

I'll tell but I'll tell hey listener I'll tell everybody.

They'll all know because I know.

And now you know I know.

And now they'll all know too.

Can just the rest of the show be ads?

This feels so good.

It feels so good to be in this space with you.

Well, it's because you realize that you're actually working.

You know, like you're making money right now.

If there's nothing about it, it feels so nice.

Hello, Internet.

I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy.

And I'm your wife host, Teresa McElroy.

And this is a promo for Schmanners.

It's extraordinary etiquette.

For ordinary occasions.

Every week, we're going to tell you about a bit of culture, a bit of history, how etiquette still applies in the modern day, all that stuff.

We also love to do biographies and histories of, and, you know, general procedurals, how to do etiquette in today's society.

So come check it out every Friday on maximumfun.org or wherever you find your podcasts.

Manners Schmanners.

Get it?

My name's Doug Dugay, and I'm here to talk about my podcast in the middle of the one you're listening to.

It's called Valley Heat, and it's about my neighborhood, the Burbank Rancho Equestrian District, the center of the world when it comes to foosball, frisbee golf, and high-speed freeway roller skating.

And there's been a jaguar parked outside on my curb for 10 months.

I have no idea who owns it.

I have a feeling it's related to the drug drop that was happening in my garbage can a little over a year ago.

And if this has been a boring commercial, imagine imagine 45 minutes of it.

Okay, Valley Heat, it's on every month on maximumfun.org or wherever you get podcasts.

Check it out, but honestly, skip it.

These are the protocols of the Rancher Industrial District District in Burbank County, California.

These are the events that are taking place in my alley or around my valley.

How about another question?

Yeah.

I'm a big fan of Boba, the milk tea drink with tapioca pearls or fruit tea with popping bubbles, if you prefer.

I assume you know what it is, but I thought it would clarify.

My issue is that I'm trying to enjoy all the boba in my drink, but I'm sitting in a quiet car dealership with a bunch of strangers.

Brothers, how do I efficiently slurp the last bit of my delicious boba drink without disturbing everyone around me, but still getting every last chewy edible ball that's from Gmail?

This reminds me of BB has decided she likes boba tea.

She's never consumed it in her life.

What she likes is the idea of it, the design of it, like a stuffy that looks like a cup of boba tea.

A like boba tea.

Oh, here's a little Lego boba tea like shop set.

Loves the idea of it.

If you're like, do you want to try it?

She's like, that looks gross.

That's wild because I think it looks, I think it looks fun.

I think boba tea looks so cool.

And I've had it a couple of times and I ate one of the little balls and I was like, didn't like that.

And then they were like, you can also suck a bunch of them in to the straw and launch them out.

And I was like, that now it's a toy.

And I did like that part of the experience, but there's not a lot of places that acceptable to blast a bunch of tapioca balls all over the place.

I mean, I was thinking about, I mean, if you ditch the straw and kind of like take the lid off and like upend them,

I feel like that there's no way to not make you look like some sort of terrible reptilian bouncy.

Some frog monster.

That's a frog monster.

You're not going to get just enough to close your mouth and look like a normal normal-faced person.

Right.

What if, and if any of them spilled out, any of these little jellied eggs slip down your face, no good.

It does seem like some kind of evil predator that if a frog mother saw show up, they'd be like, get the babies out of here.

Like that, you're definitely going to be scaring away.

It's so rough to have a drink that you have to dig out of your pockets.

You know what I mean?

Like if four bobas go in, you drink bad, four bobas go into your shirt pocket, and then you're sitting there trying to dig the bobas out of your shirt.

What is in there?

What's in your shirt, Jessa?

Is it bobas?

Oh, a piece of gum.

Personally, for me, I think my issue with the boba tea is the chance for just consistency whiplash of I'm having the drink and then suddenly, oh no, something I must chew has entered into my mouth.

I was not ready for it that I should have been.

I don't think it's very interesting to know if you like boba or or not.

I think it's actually negative interesting.

Yeah, I don't actually want to know if you like it or not.

Oh, sorry.

I'm describing you guys aren't interested in me as a person.

No, I just

are you fucking kidding me?

Your life is so bonkers.

Like, I am so deeply interested in you as a person.

Yeah.

Just not every single detail to the point where I want to know if you like Boba T or not.

That's okay.

Okay, I just, I guess I love you guys more than there's a presumption of Travis.

If you are insisting to me that you, my brother Travis, would be very, very interested and paying attention to me trying to describe to you my favorite boba drinks, how I like them.

I would rather not.

And I'll watch Travis's fucking face like a hawk.

I'll make out.

Like right now, though, he is.

No, stop, stop.

Time.

Travis is being shitty about the face he's making.

I want to see genuine interest in my other brothers feeling about...

Nope, you're being shitty again, man.

That's impossible because it's...

You're giving him fucking.

He's not saying anything.

He hasn't said anything about Boba.

Let me me show you.

Let me show you.

Show me.

Go ahead, Juice.

I don't have any feelings about Boba.

I don't have any opinions on it.

I'm absolutely not.

No, Griffin, you're giving me like pre-recorded NPC vibes.

No, I was listening.

It feels like you're on a loop.

Okay, try it again.

I don't have any.

Do it.

Try it again.

Do you understand?

It's an audio podcast.

What I'm saying to you, you're like...

Setting me up for something.

I don't have anything on Boba.

I don't have Boba material.

I don't have a Boba material.

You can make up Boba material.

I don't have to.

I don't have to do that.

I don't have it.

I don't have a feeling.

Yeah, but do it anyway, clown.

Dance for Griffin.

Make the jokes, clown.

Boy.

Oh, man.

That's the problem with these Boba places.

The kids go in them and they think they love this stuff and it costs $8

a gallon and you get it.

And what do they, what if everybody knows they drink the whole drink and what do they leave behind?

Say it with me, audience.

The Bobas.

The Bobas.

That's right.

Thank you, ma'am.

You're fun.

Where you from?

Oh, God, Griffin, breathe.

Griffin, breathe.

Why did you.

Griffin, you got.

He was so interested that he forgot to breathe.

Sorry, dude, I was focusing on what you were saying so hard.

I forgot to fucking breathe.

I almost died.

Obviously, I want you to keep breathing.

That's shit out of the distance.

No, that's a distracting.

I want to keep breathing, too.

I don't want to die today.

I have so much to live for, but like, I was so into what you were saying about this one beverage

that I

forgot to fucking breathe.

Oh my God, Justin, please don't branch out into talking about other beverages.

You'll kill Griffin.

No, I'll die.

I wouldn't because nobody cares if anybody else likes any drinks.

Nobody cares what drinks you like.

Nobody cares what drinks I like.

It's just that one thing.

You can have whatever drinks you want.

Justin, I care.

I think this is why malort is a thing.

It can be a drink that when you say, I like this, people will say,

No, you do not.

You are not.

They'll know you're a liar.

They'll know you've lied to lie about stuff.

How about another question?

Sure.

Okay.

Cool.

I want a munch.

Squad.

I want too much.

Squad.

Justin, can I interrupt you for a second?

We are back, baby.

I want you guys to really think about it.

On that boba tea question,

is that the least we've ever helped someone ever?

It wasn't, I mean, it's loud to drink boba tea.

I don't have much else to say about it.

I don't think we even pretended to answer them.

I don't think we did either.

I don't,

I don't want it.

Okay, I'm going to un-interrupt.

Justin, let us resume.

And play.

So.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong, Juice?

Kristen Wigg brings her signature comedy to Duncan in New Dunka-Latte campaign.

Wow.

Bummer.

Hey.

Such a bummer, man.

Are they just...

It feels like I'll tell you, two or three, but it feels like two or three press releases a week from Dunkin'.

About alt comedy, for the most part.

Alt.

Yeah, alt comedy.

The Duncan way to a latte that's sweet, creamy, and truly unique, featuring Duncan's rich espresso and a twist inspired by Rhode Island's official beverage coffee milk.

The Dunka latte delivers a one-of-a-kind flavor experience.

Combining Duncan's espresso with coffee milk made from whole milk and coffee extract results in an ultra-smooth drink that sips like a latte and tastes like a melty milkshake.

And it's so irresistible that even Kristen Wigg wants in on the action.

Now that sentence, that last sentence, what does that mean?

Yeah.

The drink was so

nummy that Kristen Wigg that

without going through any kind of traditional channels, no agencies.

Famously, famously reclusive refuses to take any brandy out of Kristen Wig was like.

Except for Target.

Well, except for Target.

But that one makes the stars really aligned on that one.

Yeah, yeah.

I ain't ain't mad at that.

But this one, Kristen Wigg was like, normally.

She likes coffee milk.

I don't know.

But have you tried this shit?

In this new ad campaign, beloved comedian and actress Kristen Wigg brings her signature wit, pitching herself as the official spokesperson for the Dunka Latte.

Her comedic journey to become the phase of Duncan's latest innovation marks the next chapter in the Duncan cinematic universe.

Get the fuck out, Duncan.

You have yet to produce a single movie.

You were kind of in Twisters.

That's it.

You were Twisters adjacent.

That's it.

A country music video does not a cinematic universe make.

So the cinematic universe is...

There's Ice Spice, remember?

Yeah, Ice Spice.

And there's the thing that Ben and Matt did.

Bieber.

And then there's the Bieber.

I don't think Bieber acted...

Did Bieber create a sketch, though?

No, Bieber is Tim Hortons.

Tim Hortons is Bieber.

You're thinking of the duncan turns that will arnett ran okay and they had like

corporate that lady and but i wouldn't it's like a whole universe of commercials what i would stress jason

is what uh what all those things have in common is that they don't have anything in common except duncan there's no crossovers there's no like jason wig's not doing the thing with ben affleg so great it has nothing to do that's a crossover it's a cinematic universe it's not a cinematic universe Since it says it.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I didn't really know what other

clarifying wig goes all out to prove that she should be the face of the Dunka Latte.

Portray.

I do want to give a moment to this person who wrote this press release because I certainly see the corner they had backed themselves into at this point in the document.

Because they have definitely decided this, given us all the relevant information yet, have not said what is in

the skits.

And they must have thought, like, it's not going to be funny to read about the funny donut commercials but this person they just decided they had awesome job yeah they did not shy away they went for it i bet that there's a turning point for like ad copywriters when whatever this narrative that like it's not that we paid these celebrities to do this commercial it's that they were so excited to work they came to us and i bet there was a time where those ad copywriters were like this is going to make my job so much easier and then they sat down to really do it and had to try to write convincing comments.

Sounds good, but that famous person just fucking loves coffee so much that they had to work with Dunkalate.

Give me a beat-by-beat breakdown of the commercial.

Here we go.

Wig goes all out to prove why she should be the face of the Dunka Latte, portraying a series of colorful characters from a, quote, drink engineer to, quote, janitor to, quote, chief beverage officer,

funnier, each funnier than the last, as she attempts to capture the irresistible allure of the Duncalatte's creamy coffee milk goodness.

I think what's throwing me here, Kristen Wig is hysterically funny, and I'm sure that she could crush a Duncan commercial.

Sorry.

We are listening to a press release about a commercial, which is if I could just finish telling you about the commercial, there's more to it.

Okay, sorry.

Whether she's raving about its sweet, smooth flavor or joking that she drinks, quote, about 37 a day, Wigg makes it her mission to prove she's the ultimate fan of the new drink.

Her competition, a mythical coffee milk cow, the whimsical source of the Duncalatte's

secret ingredient.

Her pursuit to become the Duncalatte's ultimate advocate alongside the imaginative coffee milk cow adds a playful twist to the drink's launch as part of Duncan's fall menu.

I am pissing my pants with laughter.

Can you believe?

I mean, can you believe it?

All that's in there.

I can't believe you got to.

I can't believe you got to that.

Without weeping openly,

they are being so generous with terms like whimsical and each.

Oh, yeah, man.

The imaginative coffee milk cow.

Is the cow imaginative or is the idea of the coffee milk cow imaginative?

The cow has big dreams.

I guess so.

When we first created the Dunka Latte, we knew we had something special on our hands, but introducing coffee milk, an unfamiliar concept to most, was a challenge.

Hey, everybody, just a quick reminder.

Duncan thinks you're so fucking howl at the moon stupid, you won't be able to piece together coffee milk from context clues.

Oh, it's milk?

That coffee?

Thank you.

They clicked by the thing they've invented here is a latte, but get this.

It's latte using milk that kind of tastes like coffee with

coffee as it's nonsensical.

Yeah.

But it's, yeah, they're talking down to you like you'll never be able to, how will the country understand this bold new.

finally?

We thought a drink this delicious deserves to be named after ourselves.

From that moment, we made it our mission to make everything about the dunka latte as dunkin as possible: fun, approachable, soggy,

totally

fun, approachable, and totally crave worthy.

With Kristen Wigg's humor and playful energy, she was the perfect partner to help bring that vision to life and keep our guests laughing and sipping because that's the dunkin' way to latte.

What?

Do you guys

do you guys like dunk a latte?

Dunk a latte these nuts.

Sorry.

No, you gotta say yes.

Say yes or no.

Do you guys like dunk a latte?

Yeah, huh?

Dunk a lot of these nuts in your face.

Do you guys like when people do that on like TikTok and stuff?

They like razz each other like that.

Yeah.

Raz merch.

the merch is good.

The coffee milk cow.

They have a stuffed coffee milk cow that I would have.

So the coffee milk cow still makes the cut?

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm not going to watch the commercial because I, I mean,

I mean, whether it's funny or it's not is immaterial, honestly, to me.

I'm that's really beside the point.

I'm more interested in the fact that the human being had to write a press release about it.

Now, if they introduced, like, that it was like, okay, Kristen Wigg and

coffee milk cow, one of you is going to become the new face of the Dunka latte, and one of you is going to be used for the new Dunkin' Burgers.

And listen,

either way, that's how it's going to work out.

So now, now there's real world consequences if Kristen Wig doesn't.

You're saying that the commercial would be better if

the plot of it was that if Kristen Wigg didn't get this job, she would be killed and turned into hamburgers?

Yeah.

That's cool, Trev.

I'd love to see that in every commercial.

If every commercial ended with the celebrity spokesperson at the end of it looking at the camera like was that good enough and then have like a card appears that says like

if you don't think will arnett did good enough in this commercial we're gonna kill him turn him into hamburgers yeah because then there'd be steaks

it's almost there

it's almost there trap The face you're making is not getting it closer to being there, but it's almost there.

And the audience is not beneficial.

It's not a beneficiary.

Do you get it?

You can add that extra mustard but only griffin will have the mustard to taste you know what i mean you add the extra mustard that's totally forgotten and hamburgers are both made of beef yeah being louder is not moving the chains you do look like a mortician from the nightmares i have the face that you're making right now is awful a lot of face work this episode i'm noticing a lot of a lot of face work

products yeah a lot of face work for an audio product thank you so much for listening to our podcast we hope you liked our podcast this time if you did, man, we got good news for you.

This Thursday, there's another of our podcasts you can listen to.

Abnimals episode Zero is out this week.

Yeah, our new Adventure Zone series featuring Justin Griffin and Dad playing as anthropomorphic animal character superheroes, like your Teenage Eatench Turtles, your biker mice from Mars, your samurai pizza cats, all of those stuff.

I'm running the game.

We're going to be talking about the rules and character creation and all that stuff this Thursday over at at the Adventure Zone.

Go check that out.

Also, we're going to be going on tour this weekend.

On the 21st, we're in Orlando.

On the 22nd, we're in Atlanta.

We're close to selling out on those.

So get your tickets now.

Send your questions in if you want them answered or a wish to fungalore.

Just email nbnbam at maximumfund.org and put your city name in the subject line, which one you're going to be at.

And we've got tickets still on sale for Denver, Phoenix, Indianapolis, and Milwaukee.

And

Dad and I are going to be at MCM London in October.

You can get all the details and tickets and all that stuff at bit.ly/slash McElroyTours.

Thank you so much to Montane for the use of a theme song, My Life is Better With You.

I love this song so much.

I will play it at my wedding.

Oh,

okay.

Beautiful.

When I become a bride of Christ.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

Hey, do you got a wish for fungalore?

We sure do.

Cool.

Cool.

Justin, why don't you do this one?

Sure.

Here it comes.

Where'd you put it?

Here it is.

I wish rain students could just be grapes again.

My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McIroy.

Breathe, Griffin.

I'm Griffin McElroy.

It's been my brother, my brother, me.

Get your dad squared lips.

It's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true.

It's better, it's better with you.

Come at life,

it's better with you.

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