S1E12 - 'The Duchess Comes Clean' REMASTERED

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Jamie, why are we here?

We're here because my dad's written a porno.

Your dad's written a porno.

Erotic literature.

Why?

Previously, on my dad wrote a porno.

Beside it sat two rounds of what looked like turkey sandwiches

with vigour.

Similar vigour.

Similar vigour.

Similar vigour.

Comparable vigour.

Slam your buddy down and similar vigour.

Is there a Flintstone grandma?

Nana, I apologise in advance.

Okay, um, Pearl Pebbles, slag hoople.

Hi, guys.

It's Porno Day again.

Woo!

Yay!

My dad, Red Porno is back.

I'm here with James and Alice again.

Hi.

Hello.

We should say hello to the Belinkers, which is the name of our family.

It's never going to take off, James.

Never darn.

I think it already has taken off.

Actually, has anyone even called themselves?

I mean, he's really, really rammed home hashtag porno day, and finally people are like, okay, fine, hashtag porno day.

That has taken off.

it hasn't traded yet, but it has taken off.

People have succumbed to porno day, but Belinkas.

Is it Balinkas?

So the first half of Belinda, so Belle.

Belle.

And then the last half of Blinkers, so Belle Linkers.

Belinkers.

Like any good joke takes quite a lot of explainers.

Also, it's like Justin Bieber's Beliebers.

There's lays to it.

I mean, it keeps explaining it.

It's very clever.

Gets funnier and funnier.

Good job.

So anyway, for everyone who's still listening, welcome back.

Can you guys believe that we are on the penultimate chapter of Blinder Blink?

It's mental, right?

Feels like a long time coming.

Does it feel like there's time for it to wrap up?

No.

Oh, God, no.

Well, nothing's actually happened.

That's the weird thing.

Do you think it's going to be two chapters of just pure action now?

I hope not.

Fingers crossed.

What counts of pure action, actually?

You're right.

Yeah.

Painstaking admin in steel's pots and pans.

Well, you know, the book is starting to change people's lives.

It's changed mine.

I wouldn't.

irreversibly.

Yeah, it's certainly changed mine.

Yeah, everyone's desensitized to sex, but apart from that, and it's my dad, and it's your dad.

So, my whole family dynamics completely changed.

We should come back home more often.

I don't feel like we ever bring that up.

Well, it's become so normal to us all now.

We've kind of forgotten, and even I've kind of forgotten.

Yeah, so you're screwed, so that's how it's changed your life.

Cheers.

We've had an email from a girl who said her friend lost her virginity because of this podcast.

Fuck.

What are you talking about?

I'm not even joking.

Surely this would stop people from having sex.

So her friend.

This is great birth control.

I thought we were doing something for the planet.

Yeah, I've always seen it as contraception.

Overpopulation will kill us all.

Her friend has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for three years.

They've never had sex.

And she was starting to get a bit nervous about it, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And they started listening to my divertoporno together.

I don't know if he's being serious.

I can't tell.

Is this on a situation?

For real.

Where's the punchline?

This is real, guys.

And it kind of broke down the barriers of, like, you know, they started laughing at all these sexual scenarios and things like this.

And it kind of made sex less intimidating for them both.

Wow.

What?

I mean, no.

I can find it.

If you've never had sex, totally fine.

But do not use this as some kind of guide.

No, this is very much a what not to do.

I was going to say, please don't tell me that they like built their own leather room or something.

He grabbed her cervix.

No, you know.

And she's now in hospital.

But yeah, yeah, so because of because of Belinda and her sexy ways,

it made them realize sex is okay.

That is the most bizarre and happy story.

I mean, yeah, considering that sex is never okay in this book.

Oh, what a lovely story.

And with that, I think we should go on with the book.

That's so weird as well, because there was that other email where that person felt really intimidated by business, and this book inspired them to start their own business.

And they've now got a turnover of £3.4 million.

In pots and pans.

They're huge in skillets.

We've got an email from Mr.

La Cruze.

He is a huge fan, to be fair.

Well, is today's chapter called Jamie?

Well, as we said last week, it is a bit of a charged chapter title because it's called The Duchess Comes Clean.

Yes.

This is an ambiguous title, if I recall.

It might just mean that she actually has a shower and physically cleans herself of all of the knowing Rocky it probably would be the sort of mundane thing that would fill a chapter.

At this stage he's just filling word gal.

Okay so Belinda blinked.

Chapter 13.

The Duchess Comes Clean.

It was 6.30 in the morning when Belinda awoke from her deep sleep.

The receptionist had left at 2.30, giving her a much-needed four hours sleep.

There was much to do, and certainly no time for breakfast, even if it were being served by the very sexually fulfilled night receptionist called Sam.

Who?

Who?

Is that the youngish man?

Oh my god, Sam.

He's just a youngish man.

He slips in the name of the youngish man.

We said we'd never find out.

I've wanted to know for about four chapters what this guy's called.

He'll always be the youngish man to me.

He just nonchalantly slips it in.

So to split.

That was Alphonse, I think.

I think that was Alphonse Jim Sterling, Peter Brown.

Sam the youngish man slash the night receptionist.

Also, yeah, why is the night receptionist

serving breakfast?

He should be going home.

Or he should at least have his job title changed for each job he does.

Receptionist, day or night.

This time, Belinda dressed in one of her simple one-piece black work dresses with matching lace bra and panties.

Sorry.

This is the most covered up she's ever been.

What do you mean, piece?

A dress is always in one piece.

Unless it's got like the bra and panties attached.

I don't know.

She just like jumps into it.

You know, those really cheap shirts that you can get from Primark that have like a t-shirt sewn into them.

Oh, do you think it's just all as one?

Yeah.

This is kind of the classiest she's dressed so far, I think.

She's dressed, which is, I think we'd all agree an improvement.

Her plan was very simple.

Always is.

She would get back to the motel, release the Duchess's ankles from the yellow handcuffs, take her back to the chairman's house where she could collect her company car and get into work for nine

right okay a few things yeah one there's no way those handcuffs are keeping the duchess on the bed like those plastic handcuffs belinda snapped them in half exactly belinda is the hulk to be fair

yeah i guess the duchess is an older lady but like still if you were desperate can we something older lady she's only in her 50s

hey i'm just these are rocky's words not mine so she's attached to the bed still which i had kind of forgotten actually i thought she was just dozing yeah but belinda kind of wants to make good she wants to Yeah, like return her.

Return her, get her car, and get into work for nine.

Never going to have her.

She doesn't even need to be there at 9 a.m.

Do you remember?

She fannies around for two hours.

She's getting them at 11.

It's fine.

And also, I think if a day in lieu was ever called for.

Take it as a holiday, sweet up.

Working from home, I think, explains a lot of Belinda's success.

The Duchess could then collect her trailer from the motel and continue her sex life as she wanted.

Or life.

One of the same, James.

I must go.

I've got to continue my sex life.

The hell?

I also love, like, I've just got to pick up a trailer.

So it makes it sound like...

Those two things aren't that compatible, are they?

Hitching your wagon and your sex life.

Is that the trailer that's got the sofa and the gin and tonics in?

Yeah, it's like a lounge out there.

So it's a bit of a sex den, actually.

So she just travels around the country with that and just luring women into it, feeding them gin and tonics.

tomba.

She sniffs out the nearest tombola.

Sniffing out the next tombola.

Oh look, signed for a summer fate.

Off I go.

She's like a really upmarket carnie.

So the Duchess could then collect her trailer from the motel and continue her sex life as she wanted.

But without her involvement.

Thank you.

So Belinda's done with the Duchess.

I'd like to extricate myself from this whole situation.

Belinda would also reluctantly return the horse riding outfit, which had served her extremely well all Sunday evening.

Reluctantly return.

You stole it.

So she's borrowed.

Borrowed, okay, fine.

Come on.

The traffic was non-existent as she left the horse and jockey.

Sam had obviously gone to kitchen duty, so no time was lost in saying farewell.

Does Sam ever not work?

I know, my God, he's like a little machine.

Sam is a worker bee.

It's that odd of a twist.

The company was picking up the tab on the overnight room and meals, so she got off to a good start.

Literally makes no sense.

Though she said she wasn't having breakfast.

She quickly motored through the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside.

I have a feeling it said, did it say something about just a countryside?

Congratulations.

You're in Cambridge.

You know, you were right in that it was a university town.

A shire, Jamie.

A shire, sorry.

University Shire.

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She quickly motored through the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside to the motel, where she had left the Duchess attached to her bed.

The horse box was still in the parking spot where she had left it, and the motel room looked quiet.

Well, it would.

It's 6:30 in the morning.

Belinda jumped out of the big vehicle and entered the room.

In the bedroom, she found the Duchess where she had left her, albeit her makeup now smeared to hell.

So she's just been clawing at her face.

How?

Belinda switched off the bedside light and gently shook the Duchess away.

She's still fast asleep.

I just imagine like a rag doll like, ooh, ooh, come on, wake up.

To be fair, he does say gently, but I can't imagine it's that gently.

No,

on the bed.

You've come back to release me was the first words she murmured.

It's like some shit fairy tale.

Belinda's prince charming all of a sudden.

Well, with that monster prick.

She's still wearing that.

Probably.

Yeah, she never took that off.

She's been rocking that the whole night.

You've come back to release me, was the first word she murmured.

Yes, said Belinda, equally as softly.

But you must understand

that I was your sex servant.

So now you are mine.

No, that's not how it works.

Aren't the rules?

Aren't the rules that I'm allowed?

She's got to work at nine.

She can't be having sex service.

Why is she fannying around?

I've been talking about

it.

I was your sex servant, so now you're my sex servant.

That's going to be a real, like, vicious cycle to get get out of.

What have happened to just turning the other cheek?

Exactly.

Bum cheek.

Oh, one of the four.

The Duchess started to sob

and replied.

I do not blame her.

Tears of joy?

I always knew it would come to this.

Oh, no.

This is where she's going to come clean.

I have to tell you,

I was a very reluctant player in this erotic game.

As if!

Reluctant!

Reluctant is not the word I'd use.

She's the one who brought out the crop.

Seriously.

She could have just brought Belinda back to her motel and made her a lovely cup of tea.

They could have played Scrabble.

There's a lot between what they did and what they could have done.

If you're reluctant, you don't make a horse box with a sofa in.

And then poor Virginia and Tonic.

Virginia and Tonic.

You know, some would say that was premeditated.

I mean, unless she just whipped that up 60-minute makeover style, then yeah, it was.

I mean, to be fair, she does dress a lot like Lawrence, Llewellyn, and Bowen.

So that's true.

She does have a lot of flamboyant outfits.

I was a very reluctant player in this erotic game.

They left me no choice in the end.

Who's going on?

And now here I am.

Who, the Illuminati?

I think Rocky's a member of the Illuminati.

He does have great power.

Wait a sec.

Is this anything to do with what was he called?

The Knight of the Realm?

Oh, Sir James Godwin.

Sir James Godwin.

Is it something to do with Sir James Godwin?

Guys, this is bigger than all of us.

This goes right to the top.

Wait, do you mean not just kitchenware?

Do you mean like homeware?

Oh my god.

They left me no choice in the end.

And now here I am, a sex servant to you, Miss Belinda.

Uh, excuse me, you could do a lot worse than Belinda, actually, and I don't like to defend Belinda, but don't turn your nose up about being a sex slave to Belinda.

And also, don't call her Miss Belinda.

Miss Belinda.

Miss Blimenthal.

Miss Belinda.

Miss Belinda, I couldn't possibly.

Miss Belinda.

Belinda blinked.

No!

We promised we'd take a layer off when she said it.

Boys' shirts, I'll go skirt.

Oh, gross.

Belinda blinked.

Was this whole episode a game organised by somebody else?

What, this episode?

Was there a master planner behind all of the Tomboda activities and the ramifications they were producing?

If there is, what is their plan?

What possible outcome were they hoping to achieve it certainly couldn't be coincidence that she bella and giselle were the ones to be made servants are you so thick though like what do you mean of course is this getting like self-referential is he about to go and the man behind it all was rocky flinstone the wizard of oz if you will we talked about this rocky writing himself into the book oh my god is this the moment

it certainly couldn't be coincidence that she bella and giselle were the ones to be made servants.

Perhaps the Duchess knew more than she was telling.

Yeah, she's about to tell you.

She's just said, I've got to be straight with you.

She needed to proceed softly.

She needed the Duchess on her side.

If you can call me Miss Belinda, then I will happily call you my lady.

Is this a good start to an equal relationship between us?

What?

What's happening?

Belinda, I think.

Is the Duchess English?

This is Belinda speaking.

Why is she calling her Miss Belinda, please?

I think she thinks it's like sexy or a bit of titillation.

I'm not sure.

What?

She's sobbing.

Again, Miss Belinda.

She thinks that's sexy.

Also, not equal, Miss Belinda and Milady.

I think so.

Yes, I know so.

Oh, how I do want.

This is ludicrous.

I think so.

What?

No, I think so.

No, I know so.

Just give the port of an a hug and a hanky.

That's all all you want, James, isn't it?

Hug and a hanky.

Great night in for James.

Oh, how I do want to be a sexual servant to you, Miss Belinda.

I just want you to fuck me hard with my beautiful black leather dildo.

U-turn.

Seriously.

Anyway, yeah, you were saying about the master plan.

Also, she's gone from sobbing to being like, dust off the dildo, time for tea.

I just want you to fuck me hard with my beautiful black leather dildo and respect me for what I am.

A happy sex servant to you.

This is a beautiful greetings card.

Well, that's fine, I suppose, from your perspective.

But what do I get out of this relationship?

replied Belinda.

Sex?

She made that quite clear.

But what do I get out of the relationship?

replied Belinda.

The Duchess thought for a moment.

I know that sexually I'm a bit over the top.

Age-wise, that is.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself, Duchess.

What do you mean over the hill?

Yeah, because I thought you meant like a bit flamboyant sexually, like, you know.

A bit OTT.

Yeah, not most people use that.

Hang on, she might mean that.

Hang on.

I know that sexually I'm a bit over the top.

Age-wise, that is.

But I do assure you, I am a fanatical lover.

And in my role as your sex servant, I will do your every bidding.

Fanatical lover.

Something says...

Crazy.

This is, I don't know what it is.

There's just something about the wording that's that's making me think, run for the hills.

I wish we had like an earpiece in Belinda's there.

It'd be like, Belinda, get out of that room.

Abort for submission.

She's a fanatical lover.

Keep on the handcuffs.

But you know, exactly.

Do not unleash her.

But you know, for Belinda, that's green light.

She's going to be like,

Whoopie-doo.

Yeah.

Whoopie Goldberg.

She there too.

Probably.

And in my role as your sex servant, I will do your every bidding.

I am open to all new sex erotica

and I promise to never disobey you in the sexual act.

I will drink your orgasms and eat your vagina all day long until you order me to stop.

Bon appetite!

I'd order her to stop before she got to the point where she was eating my vagina, not that I have one.

Oh, chewing a labia over breakfast.

Oh, come on.

We'll eat your orgasms.

No, drink your your orgasms.

In an impeccable glass, I would hope.

She's insatiable, the Duchess.

Didn't the Duchess eat all the nipples?

Yeah.

She is ravenous.

Yeah.

Eat her vagina.

Do you think it's so unnecessary?

There's nobody.

Why aren't you?

Whole thing is unnecessary.

Because it's a penultimate chapter and we've been through so much.

How are you still shocked?

I don't know.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

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I will drink your orgasms and eat your vagina all day long until you order me to stop.

Belinda quickly interrupted and said, I get your intentions, and they are truly what I need of you if you wish to become my sex servant.

But surely a person is well connected to the lineage of Britain.

I mean, you being a duchess, with all what that means.

Belinda, will you try and be partial?

With all what that means, Governor.

Malady.

My lady, with all that you own, what is nice and expensive.

You must have connections.

Buy the bucket, my my lady.

What one said once.

Yeah, she's trying to sound like Nancy out of Oliver, isn't she?

Street urchin.

I mean, you being a duchess, with all what that means,

could surely open doors I couldn't dream of ever even encountering.

Right.

Is this a comment on class?

Yeah, maybe.

And on kind of the hierarchy that we all live in.

What's she saying?

Like,

I want to be with you for your connections.

Or is she saying that?

People love hearing that.

Oh, what do you think she's saying?

She is living in different worlds.

Yeah, we're two different people.

No, but I think she wants to be part of the Duchess's world.

Oh, she's the little mermaid.

Sorry, another musical reference.

What was it like?

How did Rocky describe it in the blurb?

The set.

The plush riding set.

Yeah.

Oh.

Miss Belinda.

I adore you so much.

Yes.

You met her last night.

Chill out.

I know, seriously.

I adore you.

I adore you.

Is she still sobbing?

I think she's perked up, actually.

Miss Belinda, I adore you so much.

Yes, I will be able to introduce you into the highest sexual circles in the land.

She didn't say sexual circles, she just said the higher circles.

She just wants to meet posher people.

Oh, yeah, she's put sex in there, hasn't she?

Maybe that's the only place that she's got access to, poor Duchess.

Oh, they only want her for a baddie.

Not the House of Lords.

The House of Smut.

What do you think Belinda wants access to?

The House of Lords.

Actually, probably.

She'd clean up in there like fish in a barrel.

She'd be like, I wrap up a drain pipe.

Belinda bent over.

Of course she did.

Belinda bent over and pulled the plastic handcuffs off the Duchess's ankles.

Again.

What broke them off without a key?

The Duchess stood up and stretched her cramped body.

Cramped.

Sexy.

Sexy.

Nothing's so sexy like cramped.

Cramped.

Her nipples hardened with her feeling of freedom, and they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the whole of the fateful Titanic together.

Yay!

The Duchess has got nipples from the Titanic.

Titanic's my favourite film, so I know exactly what he's talking about here.

Iceberg, Iceberg.

So specific.

Here's a reference I can get on board with.

So unsexy, so many people died.

Like, why are you using the Titanic?

Please read that again.

That is amazing.

And also, one of my dad's ancestors died on the Titanic.

So, this is kind of a tribute.

It's what he would have wanted, I think.

How moving?

Where did his brain go?

Seriously.

Her nipples hardened with the feeling of freedom, and they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together.

The fateful Titanic.

How big are her nipples?

Apart from anything else.

That was the ship of dreams, for fuck's sake.

It was massive.

It really was.

Three inches.

That is.

That is.

Hang on.

What?

How many centimetres in an inch?

2.5.

7.5 centimetres long.

Jesus Christ.

Wow.

No.

Like, wide or long.

Yeah, do you mean across or out?

Oh, good.

Point.

Don't know.

It doesn't say.

I imagine length.

I also love that with freedom, it made her nipples do that.

Do you ever do that after, like, like, I don't know, a long coach journey?

You're just like, oh, oh, there they go.

They're free.

Imagine how huge Nelson Mandela's would have been when he walked out like that.

And nobody ever speaks of it.

And Rocky is the only one that tells the truth.

Evan was so polite and not mentioned it as he walked out.

They were like, I mean, it's great.

It's like a real feat for like humankind, but also look at his nips.

Nelson Mandela is smuggling peanuts.

Belinda was drawn to them like a magnet.

She needed to touch them, caress them,

tighten them with a spanner.

She needed to touch them, caress them, and finally suck them.

It's going to taste irony.

The Duchess stood still as Belinda fulfilled her desires.

Took her nipples.

Basically.

Tweet and played around and took them.

After two minutes of caressing and sucking, The Duchess carefully removed Belinda's one-piece black work dress.

Just a dress.

You can just say dress.

One-piece dress.

How does rocky think it's in parts like did does wilmer wear like zip off sleeves or like is it kind of somehow bulkroad i hope not i really hope not the duchess carefully removed belinda's one piece black work dress she then slowly removed her black lace bra and after a few moments her panties

you hate the word panties

panties it's the worst oh i can't even say it oh i think that's our first mention as well as it was said earlier oh i obviously blocked that out skimmed over that.

You mentally blocked it.

Oh, please don't repeat that line.

Disgusting.

She then slowly removed her black lace bra, and after a few moments, her panties.

So he repeats it.

Said it again, Jamie.

Clearly, he said it again.

Belinda stepped out of her high heels and guided the Duchess back to the bed.

I thought you were going to say, to the top of the vagina.

It's the only place she ever guides anyone.

And that's the end of chapter 13.

No!

The third one.

That was dialogue heavy.

That was terrible dialogue heavy.

And sex light.

It's building up to a big finale, I think, though.

What on earth is going to happen in the final chapter?

And also, the Duchess didn't really come clean.

What we actually learned.

That revelation was never fully explained.

Oh, yeah, she sort of started to reveal that she didn't really want to be the sex slave, but nothing else.

Yeah.

And also, she clearly did want to be the sex slave.

Look at her.

Happy as Larry.

Do you think, like, at this point when Rocky was writing, he was just like

rushing to the end of the book now?

He's like, just got to get finished.

Get it out the door.

Did he have a holiday books or anything?

Probably.

I'm left with more questions than answers.

More so than usual, because there's normally that.

But this time, we were promised answers and we never got them.

So, what are our questions?

What's the master plan?

Where's Sam?

Where's Sam?

Why did Belinda not take advantage of the buffet breakfast?

But did take advantage of Titanic's Rivets.

That was my favourite bit of this chapter, I think.

that is a genius move and he always he always surprises me yeah pull it out the bag never underestimate Rocky that is what I've learned the man deserves a knighthood it's true I'm lobbying for that by the way really so sad there's only one chapter left I don't know what I'm gonna do once it's over I know I'm hoping that I can rebuild some sort of father-son dynamic and carry on with their life but I wouldn't bother

because I think he's working on more material and you'll just have to kind of break it down again yeah are we going to hang out once the podcast is done?

I see no reason.

No, I mean

can this just be one of those secret like in the future we just pretend it never happened and we just don't talk to each other.

This is just a crazy summer we had that time.

Next week is the finale, but we should stress about that very special Christmas Day bonus episode.

Yes.

And we need you guys to help us with that because we basically want your questions for Rocky.

Yeah.

They can be about anything.

Literally anything.

The Titanic.

If you want to know more about the history of the Titanic, Maybe you want to know what the recipe is for the turkey sandwiches.

Oh, yeah.

My question is going to be what what is the master plan?

Well, we might find that out next week.

So by Christmas Day, you'll know the master plan and you'll be like, oh, thank God I know.

Oh, then I'm not going to send my question in.

Just don't bother.

And you can submit your questions by going to our website, my dadrotaporno.com forward slash questions and just submit them.

Rocky eagerly awaits those questions, I'm sure.

Oh, he, yeah, he is raring to go, actually.

He has a list of his own questions about his own book.

He'll set aside the writing for five minutes, do the questions, and then come back to it.

Yeah.

Five minutes is at least a book and a half.

So see you next week for the last one, guys.

Yeah, thanks for listening, everybody.

Do you guys want to go and watch Titanic now?

I really do.

That's all I watch.

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You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

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