S1E8 - 'The Chalet' REMASTERED

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Jamie, why are we here?

We're here because my dad's written a porno.

Your dad's written a porno.

Erotic literature.

Why?

Previously, on my dad wrote a porno.

I also want to personally thank Sir James Godwin for letting us have this opportunity to raise some much needed money for our local charity, the Asses and Donkeys Trust.

The safe word is thimble.

It stops you from getting pricked.

She's had vagina, Jen.

Virginia.

Vagina, if you're.

Virginia and tonic.

Virginia and Tonic.

Hello, James and Alice.

How are you guys?

Very good.

Wonderful, thank you.

Excellent.

And hello, everyone at home.

People who are crashing their cars, being interrupted in the supermarket from laughing too much, spitting their tea out.

It's dangerous, listening to this.

It's been hazardous, I think.

It has, yeah.

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My dad wrote a porno is causing carnage around the world.

Are we liable if someone does hurt themselves?

Absolutely not.

Oh, okay.

We take no responsibility for injuries caused.

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Pull out the headphones.

Now,

stop.

Thank you for joining us again.

We are here to tackle chapter nine of Belinda Blinked.

Can you believe it?

I feel like it's been a lifetime.

How has it only been that many chapters?

Well, I thought about something the other day.

Oh, yeah.

In book terms, in narrative terms, we've actually only known Belinda for three days, but I feel like I've known her a lifetime.

I can't imagine my life without her.

Exactly.

It'll never be the same again, your life honestly.

I don't know if it will.

So, the previous chapter was the Tombola.

And this chapter is the chalet.

The chalet.

Yeah.

When I think of chalets, I think of those like

no, those things on the beach, like the sheds on the beach.

That's a beach hut, technically.

Oh, is it?

I believe I'm right in thinking that Centre Parks does have chalets.

So aren't they more log cabins?

I think chalets are what you get in like Courcheval.

I think a bit bit of reclette.

We're from very different backgrounds.

Yeah.

Mother used to call it a chalet.

Make it sound posher.

Going down to the garden shed.

James, the chalet, dear.

James, go to the mansion.

That's a bin, mother.

Rocky recently built a garden shed at the bottom of his garden, and they call it the pavilion.

Oh, wonderful.

Yes.

You can really upsell anything.

You really can.

Is that where he writes?

In the pavilion?

Has he ever written it?

Yeah, I think he does.

A bit like Roaldahl.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Has something at the back of the garden to get out of mum's hair.

So, chapter nine is the chalet.

Are we ready?

My heart's racing right now.

You have got very strange

grabbing my legs.

I think I've got sweaty hands.

Anticipation.

My goodness.

Okay, so Belinda blinked.

Chapter nine: The Chalet.

Belinda felt the horse box reversing, accompanied with the grinding of gears, and then the engine of the 4x4 went dead.

Hmm.

There was a silence for at least 30 minutes.

30 minutes?

She was sat in the back of the horse box for 30 minutes.

Well, copious amounts of genotonic, James.

Who wouldn't stay there?

That's true, but I would pop my head out and be like, is everything all right?

That's the Daily Mail story, because you know when people leave their dogs in the car when they're in the supermarket for like two hours in the summer?

Yeah, crack a window.

Really bad.

There was silence for at least 30 minutes and Belinda started to feel abandoned.

Well, she would.

Yeah.

She would, of course, anyone would.

Then suddenly the tailgate opened, and the Duchess climbed up the ramp.

She was dressed in full horse riding gear, a red jacket, white jodpers, black boots.

It's getting very Jilly Cooper, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Black jumping hat and crop with a scarlet tag on the end.

To me, that says like fox hunt rather than general horse riding, like the red.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It certainly doesn't say sexy time.

Belinda blinked.

Stop.

Did she?

What a surprise.

Fearing the worst.

It was a fearful blink.

The Duchess grabbed Belinda's ass and pulled her up to a standing position.

Via her ass.

Not the ass that she's been raising money for at the Tumbola.

Not the Donkey and Asses Trust.

Right, okay, sorry.

I thought there was an ass in the horsebox with her.

Right, okay.

Could you just think about the mechanics of pulling someone up by their ass?

You have to get around the back and...

That's difficult.

That is quite tricky.

The Duchess is strong.

She then pushed her down the ramp and pulled her by her left tit into the Chalet-style building.

Some really push-and-pull going on there.

They grabbed one of the tits on their own.

To me to you, yeah.

What's going on?

So, an ass and a tit.

Ass and a tit.

Hold a hand.

Do you know what I mean?

They're designed perfectly for such an action.

Dragging her in by the nipple.

I love it when he says tit in the singular.

Sounds so wonderful.

Tit.

Because Rocky is a bit of a tit, isn't he?

It's quite a fun word to say.

The Duchess made for a doorway at the end of the lounge, which led to a large wet room.

A wet room?

Like with a shower in?

No, probably not.

Oh, God, she was a core tent.

I think it's like the leather room.

She stood Belinda under the shower and turned it on.

Slowly, the Duchess started to strip off her riding gear.

Seems a lot of faff to get in all that riding gear just to take it off minutes later.

So, did she spend the half an hour getting into the riding gear?

Is that where she was?

I think so.

Oh, right, okay.

And then she's just taking it off.

Like Belinda, the Duchess was well endowed.

Does the Duchess have a dick?

Yeah, she's got a big cough.

I think he means endowed as in breasts.

Tit.

Yeah.

Double tit going on.

Double tit squared, Belinda and the Duchess.

It's a pomegranate salad waiting to happen.

I love that the pomegranates just will never die.

I will never look at one in the same way again.

And I also feel really terrible that I said that they don't hang.

They do hang.

They do hang.

Like boobs, like tit.

They do hang like tits.

Like Belinda, the Duchess was well endowed, but her ass was showing signs of her 50-something years.

And childbirth.

Big old saggy ass.

50-something years of what?

I'm waiting to hear.

Someone dragging her by her ass, probably.

She's got big old saggy ass.

But her ass was showing signs of her 50-something years, and childbirth had not been kind to her.

Oh, my goodness.

Give her a break.

She's in her 50s, bless her.

Also, like, when you're 50, I don't feel like, I don't know.

Well, it should be that saggy.

No, I just don't feel like it shows the 50 years on it.

Like, I don't think it's like the rings on a tree tree.

I don't feel like you could age someone just by the ass, like, 52 next.

I bet her thong won't be straight.

You know what I mean?

However, she was still in good shape, and the riding clothes had made the most of her attributes.

Belinda could not help but hope she would not be in worse shape when she reached the same age, albeit some 20 years away.

She hoped that

Belinda could not help but hope she would not be in worse shape when she reached the same age, albeit some 20 years away.

Is that a compliment?

She couldn't help, so she was hoping that she wouldn't be in worse shape.

So she

looks quite good.

So she hopes, like, she won't be.

Yeah, her or better.

Yes.

Okay, cool.

You're welcome.

I'm glad we got that.

Thank you.

Christ.

Now, totally naked, the Duchess started to wash Belinda and herself down with shampoo and smelly natural oils.

Smelly?

Also, shampoo, like all over a body.

Bless smelly.

I know.

That's such a dad thing to say.

She's got some Christmas smellies on her.

She's lovely.

Good use.

Belinda whispered a word of thanks for this thoughtful act, even though the Duchess's hands were all over her vagina, ass and breasts.

A word of thanks.

So thanks.

The Duchess immediately frowned and stepped out of the shower area to pick up her crop, which was laid close to hand across the wash hand basin.

Uh-oh.

Anxious.

We know what's going to happen with that crop.

I don't.

Address me as my lady and nothing else.

And to emphasise this, she flicked the crop onto the cheek of Belinda's right ass.

Right ass?

It's a lot of asses this chapter.

So wait, the Duchess has a dick and Belinda has two asses.

Oh my God.

What is going on?

Oh, Belinda's right ass.

The crop's impact made Belinda jump and left a nasty bright red mark on her skin.

It's going to sting.

Belinda grimaced and replied quickly, Thank you, my lady.

That's better, servant, said the Duchess.

She's a bit kinky now.

This is authoritative, isn't she?

SNM territory.

This chapter feels quite different.

I mean, I'll say one thing for Rocky.

You never know which direction it's going to go.

It changes like the wind.

From chapter to chapter, you could be in a maze, getting kind of tied up.

You can be in

a leather room, town hall clock.

You can just be in a regional sales meeting.

I mean, there's no rhyme or reason.

To think eight chapters ago, we were in a job interview and she's had a busy whole week, hasn't she?

And she was going to do a big shop, wasn't she?

But she went instead to the tennis party.

Today should be a big shop.

I actually wish she did do though.

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The Duchess set the crop aside and continued to wash Belinda down.

One little flick on the right ass and then back to washing.

Well, I think she was just kind of setting the tone, saying, you know, address me correctly.

Setting up the parameters of the sexual badinage about to take place.

Don't say badinage.

Never say badinage.

What does does badonage mean?

Tata-tet.

Oh.

Can we have an actual word?

It's kind of communicative.

You know, badinage, ta-da-tette.

Have you been borrowing Rocky's Word of the Day toilet paper?

Like father-like son, guilty.

The Duchess set the crop aside and continued to wash down Belinda, again applying plenty of hand squeezing to her tits.

Applying hand squeeze.

She's expecting it to dispense soap

out the nipples.

After five minutes of this, the Duchess changed her tactics and concentrated on her vagina and clitoris.

It's a different tactic.

Belinda's nipples started to respond.

She was, after all, that type of girl and couldn't help it.

However, the Duchess started to smile and said, That's very good servant.

Thank you, my lady, replied Belinda.

With her nipples now fully extended and her vagina.

Was it a periscope?

With her nipples now fully extended and her vagina started to become wet, the Duchess decided to dry down Belinda and move her to her bedroom.

Belinda was told to lie down, open her legs wide and masturbate herself in front of the Duchess.

Masturbate yourself.

Oh my God.

Is that the phrase?

Masturbate yourself.

I guess just masturbate.

I just feel really uncomfortable.

He isn't your dad.

Quite.

Well, quite.

How are you?

You're right.

Masturbate is one of those words that you don't really associate your parents even knowing.

Yeah.

Open her legs wide and masturbate herself in front of the Duchess.

Can you stop saying masturbate yourself in front of the Duchess, please?

I'd love to, Alice, but it's down in the book.

My lady, please fuck me as you wish.

I know I am your servant, so please use me for your pleasure, said Belinda.

Is that the most words Belinda's ever said in a row?

I think it is.

Wow.

She's strung a sentence together at last.

Maybe she likes being a subordinate.

I don't don't know.

Oh.

She's a power player, is Belinda.

She'll be, you know, mentally checking in in the extra legroom seat or something.

Mentally updating her Facebook status.

Yeah.

It's complicated with the Duchess.

Feeling subservient.

The Duchess smiled and said, yes, servant, I do believe you mean it.

And I will test you soon.

Don't you worry.

Oh, what does that mean?

I hate the Duchess.

She's really creepy.

Yeah, she doesn't seem to be enjoying it that much.

She isn't really embracing the roleplay in like a fun way.

She's quite, you know, she's quite austere, isn't she?

There's been no conversation so far.

It's all been command after command.

I don't know if they're in it for the chit-chat.

The Duchess left the room, and Belinda looked around her.

It was a classic motel bedroom.

There was nothing to look at which would give her a clue as to where she was.

Okay, so where are we?

Well, she has no clue of where she is.

Please listen to Belinda.

Belinda blinked.

My thing is, what room ever tells you where you are unless there's a photo of a map of where you are on the wall?

She would just have to wait until the Duchess wanted to have sex with her and perhaps tell her where she was.

In that order.

Anna finished.

You're in Cambridge.

Does she get more information each time?

They do it three times.

She's like, off the A52.

Junction clothes.

The Duchess soon returned with two glasses of gin and tonic in in her hands.

Oh, no, no more of this business.

Oh, yeah.

She set them down and started to massage Belinda's long legs.

Set them down where?

Aren't you supposed to do that like for Varica's veins and things?

It's not a sexy move, is it?

Well, she's 30.

I don't think she's got Varica's veins just yet.

Alright, well, I don't know.

I can't wait to see what's underneath those tights.

Oh, hello.

Why do you think I wear a six dudenier?

She stretched them out and quickly shackled her ankles to the bottom of the bed with a similar pair of handcuffs Tony had used on her that afternoon in the maze.

Red ones then?

Yeah.

This time they were coloured yellow.

Oh,

what?

Okay, so he didn't tell us where the gym and tonics got put, but it'll tell us what colour the handcuffs are.

This time they were coloured yellow.

Belinda wondered idly where they were purchasing them from.

Toys I R Us.

There you go.

There's another, that's another like thought she shouldn't be having in that moment.

I wonder where she's getting handcuffs.

A child's toy store.

Yeah.

Oh, she said Toys R Us.

I thought I used this toys.

No, that's in the book.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

There's Millions, says Jeffrey.

All I'm doing.

He was not talking about.

Toys over us, toys over us, toys over us.

Special offer on handcuffs.

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Sorted colours while stocks last.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah, why does she never feel like she's in the moment?

Always her mind is wandering.

The Duchess started to massage Belinda's arms.

Oh, just moved on from the legs.

It felt so good.

And she half expected them to be tied to the bedhead, but this didn't happen.

It felt having your arms massaged.

I wouldn't say that.

I'd be like, ow, get off.

The massaging of the arms makes me think of like physiotherapy rather than something sexy.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, yeah, she's obviously got tennis elbow.

Oh, sure, right.

There you go.

Tennis elbow, Varica Slanes.

There's a lot of.

Shin splints.

That's why she was working down there.

Two asses.

I mean, she's quite the woman.

I mean, no massage will sort that out.

The Duchess started to massage Belinda's arms.

It felt so good, and she half expected them to be tied to the bedhead, but this didn't happen.

And Belinda soon found out why.

Why?

Uh-oh.

They finished their drinks.

And they did patter cake.

Because they had a thumb war.

They did the macarona.

The Duchess, who was also still totally naked, started to massage Belinda's body with her tongue.

I'd call that lick technically rather than massage with tongue.

Tongue must be freaking strong.

A deep tissue massage.

Yeah,

let me work out those knots for you.

I love that her body looks 50, but her tongue is so lithe and muscly, it looks like an 18-year-old.

The Duchess's breasts draped over Belinda's body.

Draped.

Like a tablecloth on an old oak bench.

They just sound really thin, don't they?

Like a couple of fried eggs like and draped sounds like they've been placed so like she's like you know when you like waft out a duvet it sounds like she's gone

the duchess's breasts draped over belinda's body as she licked her from head to toe like a thin veil of saggy skin

belinda was cold so she draped the duchess

like a burrito belinda found it strangely erotic especially when the Duchess's nipples, now as hard as rivets, scraped her soft.

What's our safe word again?

Oh, God, I can't remember.

I've just spat everywhere.

I'm so sorry.

Rivets.

Rivets?

So she's got these like napkins for breasts with like bolts on the end.

What are they drape?

There's so much weight.

Oh, God.

They're weighted bags of skin.

Also, how is a rivet scraping you erotic?

It must be.

Well, someone's like licking you from head to toe.

I mean, oh, Duchess.

How is it scratching?

Oh, Duchess.

Oh, Duchess.

Oh, is it scratching us?

They're scraping.

They're scraping.

I'll try.

That tongue, though.

Oh, that snack.

That rough cat's tongue.

Oh, God.

Can you imagine bubbling licked by some sandpaper?

She's going to have grazes.

She's been in the wars, Belinda.

Really has.

So, Belinda found it strangely erotic, especially when the Duchess's nipples, now as hard as rivets, scraped her soft skin.

That is strange.

Belinda responded by rubbing her hand up and down the Duchess's vagina and eventually picked up enough courage to massage her clit.

Here's the thing about this.

Go on.

do we have to finish the book?

Yeah, I think we've heard everything we're ever going to hear.

I've heard so many things where we haven't.

That's the thing.

We think that we've heard everything, and then yet each chapter he manages to dredge out of nowhere just the most eye-watering imagery.

It's just unbelievable.

So we have to keep on reading.

We have to.

It is credit where credit's due.

Yeah.

And there's no credit due here.

There's no credit.

So let's carry on.

After some very satisfactory

Charming.

Great reviews there.

There's Ofsted again.

That's what I think after every Belinda blinked recording.

There were some very satisfactory moments.

After some very satisfactory moments, according to the loud moans emanating from the Duchess, she stood up and left the room.

Excused herself.

Not even.

Belinda started to wonder what she'd done wrong.

But the Duchess returned with her riding crop in hand.

The Duchess smiled at Belinda and said, Are you ready for this servant?

No.

Belinda nodded her head slowly in disbelief.

The Duchess wasted no more time and pressed the crop handle into Belinda's vagina.

Oh.

She had read about this type of sexual fantasy, but had never, ever experienced it.

Has she read Belinda Blink?

Because I've never read about this before.

Some sales job this was turning out to be.

Oh my god, you're telling me

understatement of the century.

Belinda jumped.

She had.

Oh Jesus, what was that?

Jump.

She's attached to the bed.

At least she didn't blink, I suppose.

However, she grinned and said, Thanks, my lady.

She also wickedly thought,

I must send Jim Sterling one of these.

There she goes again.

Antony, oh, I must send Jim Sterling.

But to be fair, great comedy timing from Belinda.

She's thinking about the bowl.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Belinda started to grind on the leather crop handle.

Oh, God, Jamie.

In actual real-life experiences, the handle was smaller than a lot of the cocks she had encountered.

Oh, sure.

The Duchess held it in position and let Belinda enjoy the experience while she sucked her breasts and ate her nipple.

Ate!

Don't swallow!

Where's it gone?

Oh, Jesus.

Say on, who's eating who?

The Duchess is eating everything.

The Duchess is thinking she's at a buffet and is just

showing down.

We haven't had any lunch.

Yeah, the Duchess is all over Belinda.

Oh, okay.

Eight.

She sucked her breasts and ate her nipples.

Hope she didn't.

Belinda became very wet, orgasming at least three times in quick succession.

Satisfied, the Duchess walked over to the wardrobe and brought out a strap-on penis, again made of finest leather.

It is finest leather, to be fair.

What does it matter?

What does it have one of those, you know, when it says real leather?

Like, you know, and like Italian wallets.

She put it on and entered Belinda in a single thrust.

Wow.

Okie-dogie.

This time, Belinda knew that she was in for a real hammering.

It was truly the best ride she'd ever experienced since the Dutchman Peter Rouse.

Oh, yeah, she did have quite a good time with the Dutchman.

I know we're not having a good time, but at least Belinda's having a good time.

This is the worst ride of my life.

The Duchess then unlocked Belinda's ankles from the plastic shackles and expertly flipped her onto her front.

Using her breasts like you would a sheet to like flip.

She started to massage Belinda's back and buttocks.

All four of them.

Four of them.

Snap.

Well done.

After a fairly short time, the Duchess said to Belinda, okay, servant, it's your turn.

Belinda couldn't believe what she was hearing.

and watched warily whilst the Duchess removed the straps and put the penis onto Belinda.

The Duchess made sure everything was tight and in the right place and slapped Belinda's ass as a gesture of good to go.

Good to go.

Like a whole gospel.

The way you'd tap the boot of a taxi to say, drive on.

I know, I love that it was all like shackled correctly.

Yeah, it was almost like Belinda was about to do a parachute jump.

Like she basically ride a roller coaster or something like that.

Health and safety.

She's not on the oblivion.

Belinda walked around the bedroom with her monster prick out in front of her.

Monster prick

and also walked about or just like strutting herself.

I've got me, I've got a penis.

Suddenly her gait has shifted to quite the masculine strut.

Monster prick.

There's a phrase I didn't think I'd hear.

She could hardly believe it and happily got to work on the Duchess.

After about seven minutes of pounding the Duchess's vagina and cervix, Belinda asked.

Vagina's fine, we don't need ancillary.

Belinda asked her to get on her knees.

It's a classic combo.

In fairness, Belinda thought the old bird was not doing too badly.

The old bird.

God, what a way with words she has.

Okay, thought Belinda.

It's time for a couple of volcanic orgasms.

Oh, sure.

It's time for a couple of volcanic orgasms.

And she entered her mistress's vagina again.

She's in and out like a flipping doormouse.

Is that the phrase?

I don't think it is.

Dormouse?

Where have you been letting a doormouse go?

In and out from where?

In and out of a vagina, like a doormouse.

Is that the saying?

I'm sure that's a saying.

In and out of a vagina, like a doorma.

Not in and out of a vagina.

Like a door vagina.

Bizarre.

In and out like a doormou.

Belinda kept up the stimulation, and soon the Duchess had orgasmed four times.

Bloody times.

She stammered.

Thank you, servant.

That was utterly fantastic.

I hate your Duchess' voice.

Try to give it a bit of character, guys.

Belinda came out of her and

Belinda came out of her and looked at the Duchess's face.

She looked totally shattered.

Of course.

Of course she's shattered.

We're all shattered.

I think the Duchess probably looks a bit like I look right now.

She's completely haggard.

She looked totally shattered.

Her makeup was ruined, and her immaculate hair was all over the place.

Belinda then held her tits hard in her hands.

What, like a stress ball?

Like rolled them up.

More like crumpled paper, I'd imagine.

Yeah.

And pulled her into an upright position.

Why is everybody using the breasts as handles or as like

leavers?

The Duchess flopped back onto the bed.

No stamina, thought Belinda.

Then, to Belinda's surprise, her mistress immediately fell asleep.

Immediately?

Not like narcolepsy.

Belinda had obviously worn her out and suddenly thought, what do I do now?

Leave?

She was free to leave.

Oh, thank God.

Or was she?

Belinda thought for a few moments and an idea entered her head.

Oh, first one of the whole book, right?

I know.

I could do my job and then wouldn't have to shug everyone inside.

I think it's just nice that for once something metaphorically entered her.

Oh,

very nice.

Belinda thought for a few moments and an idea entered her head.

She took the discarded yellow handcuffs and put them on the Duchess's ankles.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Oh, it's getting a bit like...

Revengey.

Yeah, like

an actual story.

Something's happening.

There's a plot.

There's a plot.

Who knew?

The Duchess didn't stir throughout this procedure and was now sleeping very deeply.

Very deeply.

Yeah.

Perfect, thought Belinda.

She should stay this way for at least four or five hours, which will take me past my 12-hour servant contract.

I told you she had other stuff on her mind.

The second part of Belinda's plan was simple.

As she had arrived at the chalet totally naked, she had no clothing and needed something to get back to the horse and jockey for her late evening appointment with Peter Rouse.

She's still going to make the appointment.

She's a professional, Alice.

Of course she is.

Sorry.

Calmly, Belinda went to the wet room and picked up the Duchess's discarded riding clothes and boots.

I knew it.

They would fit her just fine, and she didn't need to wear the underwear.

She very rarely wears underwear.

It's an alien concept to Belinda.

She quickly pulled on the jodpas and riding boots.

Standing up, she looked at herself in the large mirror.

Not bad, she thought.

Indeed, they look very sexy.

Belinda, give it a break for a minute.

Jesus.

All she thinks about is sex.

It's like a one-track mind.

And let me guess, she's probably looking a bit disheveled.

She's not going to be looking her best, is she?

Not bad, she thought.

Indeed, they look very sexy.

The black boots suited her colouring.

And the elasticated jogpas perfectly fit her two asses.

The black boots suited her colouring and the elasticated jogpas took the shape of her perfect ass extremely well.

Told you.

Perfects in the ardent beholder.

She pulled on the white blouse and attached the black cravat around the collar.

You don't need to put the cravat on.

Just need some clothes to get back to the horse and jockey.

Don't accessorise.

The flourishes.

Jesus.

And then she put in a fascinator and she was on her way back to to town.

What is she playing at?

Lastly, she put on the red riding jacket.

It indeed was a beauty and must have cost a small fortune.

A last look in the mirror told Belinda what she already instinctively knew.

What do you think she thinks?

Gone?

I think she's think, I look hot or something like that.

Right.

I think it's going to be something about her looking good for her age.

Okay.

A last look in the mirror told Belinda what she already instinctively knew.

She looked a million dollars.

She did not look a million dollars.

Little equestrian range, $12.99.

She checked on the now snoring Duchess.

She went back to check, just leave.

The Duchess is like,

the Duchess is totally checked out.

I love that.

She checked on the now snoring Duchess, grabbed the black riding cap and crop, switched off the lights and left the chalet.

As she had hoped, the Duchess had left the keys in the ignition.

Belinda had no need for the horse box, so she unhooked it and mentally thanked one of her past male flings for teaching her how to caravan.

She jumped into the driving seat, started up the engine, put on the headlights and headed for the main road.

All she needed now was a signpost to the local town where she could orient herself, find the horse and jockey and keep her appointment with Peter.

And that's the end of chapter nine.

Have you ever read a book that is

both so grueling and so rewarding in equal measure?

No, I don't think so.

I've never laughed as hard at chapters in a book, but at the same time, I've never left quite so exhausted from reading a book.

it is so draining especially when you have some

go around for tea around your mum and dad's house and and just try and not think about what you've just read so what's the next chapter called so the next chapter is called

the horse and jockey So we're back in the pub.

So she makes it back.

She makes it back.

Spoiler alert.

So if we haven't alienated all of you listening, come back next week for more smutty fun with chapter 10, which seems incredible that we've got this far.

In the meantime, please do get in touch with us, let us know what you think.

We love your thoughts, dad loves your thoughts as well.

We've been checking Twitter, you can tweet us at dad wrote a porno.

Yeah, you can go on Facebook as well.

My dad wrote a porno, there's a page there, and we have an Instagram too.

My dad wrote a because Instagram are a bit funny about those things, yeah.

They potentially won't like chapter nine,

no, but before then, until we get to chapter 10, enjoy yourself, look after yourself, masturbate yourself,

you know.

Until then, thanks for listening.

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