MFM Minisode 426

Speaker 1 This is exactly right.

Speaker 1 This podcast is sponsored by PayPal.

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Speaker 2 Goodbye. Goodbye.

Speaker 1 No one brings out your inner monster like a bad neighbor.

Speaker 2 Claire Danes and Matthew Reese find that out for themselves in The Beast in Me, a new eight-episode drama from the team that brought you homeland. Danes plays Aggie Wiggs, a grieving writer.

Speaker 2 Reese plays Niall Jarvis, her new neighbor and possible murderer.

Speaker 1 But who's the monster and who's the bad neighbor? That's another story.

Speaker 2 It's a game of cat and mouse that sets them on a collision course with fatal consequences.

Speaker 1 The Beast and Me, now playing only on Netflix.

Speaker 2 You will not want to miss this. Goodbye.
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Goodbye.

Speaker 2 Hello and welcome to my favorite murder. The mini so where we read you your stories.
They're mini.

Speaker 1 Would you like to go first?

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to read you the title of this one. I'm just going to start telling you.
Okay. Hey all.

Speaker 2 In the late 1970s, 76 or 77, my mother-in-law and father-in-law were on a long drive going down the coast of California when they decided to pull over at night in the Santa Barbara area to sleep in their car.

Speaker 2 My father-in-law, a tall man, slept sitting up in the driver's seat while my mother-in-law laid on the front bench with her head on his lap. My mother-in-law woke up to a loud sound.

Speaker 2 Disoriented and not able to see because her contact lenses were out, she eventually realized my father-in-law was holding his neck and running around in a state of shock.

Speaker 2 She started to panic when my father-in-law eventually grabbed her and told her she needed to remain calm and flag someone down for help because all caps, he had been shot in the neck. What?

Speaker 2 Thankfully, he was a Navy vet and he was able to stabilize the situation, according to her.

Speaker 2 How he was shot in the neck, though, by a stranger who came up to their lonesome parked car and shot him from the outside where they were sleeping.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 My mother-in-law said she flagged down a semi and told him they needed to get to the hospital because her boyfriend had been shot.

Speaker 2 Apparently, the truck driver suspiciously asked, how do I know it wasn't you who did it?

Speaker 2 A valid question. Look, valid.
It says like, okay, man, good question, but clearly they need help.

Speaker 2 Anywho, he called for help over his radio and my father-in-law ended up surviving. They never caught the person or even had an idea of who did it.

Speaker 2 My mother-in-law says she highly doubts it was the Zodiac, but seems pretty zodiac, wouldn't you say?

Speaker 1 Was it in California?

Speaker 2 Fucking Santa Barbara on the coast. Which in the most recent Zodiac documentary about the one guy that they, Arthur Lee Allen.
Yeah, wasn't it? It's like there's a case in Santa Barbara.

Speaker 2 It's where he started, right? Uh-huh. It's the early, early.
And yeah, 100% fair.

Speaker 1 Well, the story is shocking.

Speaker 2 Through mini sodas. Through someone else's work.
Yes. Well, this story is shocking and fascinating to hear.

Speaker 2 I'd like to add that it has made me realize in the grand scheme of things, when it's your time, it's truly your time.

Speaker 2 I never got the honor of meeting my father-in-law because he passed away unexpectedly when my husband was a baby.

Speaker 2 I like to imagine he was a smart and interesting man who was an amazing dad and husband and would be the best grandpa to our kids today.

Speaker 2 Just finding out that my dad has primary colon cancer that has spread to his liver, I'll appreciate all the time I've been able to spend with him, unlike my sweet husband who lost his dad way too soon.

Speaker 2 Sorry to end on a bummer note, you two are a safe space and I am eternally grateful for this community you two have created, SSDGM, and hug your dad, M, she, her.

Speaker 1 M, you're so right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And also, it's just my, it was my aunt Jean's 90th birthday this weekend

Speaker 1 and she looks great and is great, but my cousin gave a little speech, you know, before we, you know, sang her happy birthday. And I never knew this about her.
Her mom died when she was 12.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 1 And her dad sent her off to live with like a family friend.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And that's like, it's just that kind of thing where it's like that primary thing. It's so easy to take your parents for granted and the upbringing you got,

Speaker 1 especially if you have complaints about it. Totally.
Where you're just kind of like, this old thing. And it's like,

Speaker 1 there's a lot of alternatives that are much worse than.

Speaker 2 oh i've said it to vince a million times whose mom died when he was very young like i'm sorry i keep complaining about my mom because i'm sure like you didn't get any of those experiences yeah yeah that's very sweet thank you m for that lovely email okay they wrote out a funny subject line for this email but then in parentheses at the end it says may not want to read the subject first okay read it to me afterward let's talk about it So it says, hello, MFM Posse.

Speaker 1 You guys are great. My mom attended St.
Mary's of Notre Dame in in the 60s and my dad attended Notre Dame. My mom is a hoot and was a bit of a wild child.
She got the nickname in eighth grade, nuts.

Speaker 2 That was her nickname. That's fun.

Speaker 2 Just straight up nuts. Nuts.

Speaker 1 Another time... I'll tell you the many pranks that she and her friends pulled on the nuns.
However, this time I will tell you something a little less mischievous, but no less awesome that she did.

Speaker 1 As she tells it, my mom used to go out drinking with the priests from Notre Dame.

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 She used to love to argue theology and philosophy with them while having a cold brew.

Speaker 2 I love her. So good.

Speaker 1 She had to check in her dorm every few hours, though. It was strict in those days.
Even with the priests, though, like you could stay out all night. They can do whatever they want.

Speaker 1 The priests would take turns driving her there and back so she could sign in at the dorm.

Speaker 2 What is happening?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because they want to have a good time. It's like some of the few

Speaker 1 things, kind of lightly sinful things they can do is like drink and play cards and hang out and chat.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Love it.

Speaker 1 And it's very important to like build those relationships community spiritually yeah my mom really wanted to take a theology class with one of the priests she partied with problem notre dame at the time was an all-boys school this would not be a problem for nuts though she struck up a deal with the priest she told him she would make him homemade spaghetti and meatballs every week if she could unofficially take his class needless to say he agreed Thus, as far as we know, my mom is the first woman to take a class at Notre Dame.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. Unofficially, that is.

Speaker 1 Stay sexy and never underestimate the power a homemade spaghetti and meatball dinner has over a priest. Molly, she, her.

Speaker 2 Those are words to live by.

Speaker 1 But also, nuts doesn't get the credit for being the first woman at fucking Notre Dame.

Speaker 2 Bullshit, but we fucking know here on MFM.

Speaker 1 And now all of you know, listeners.

Speaker 2 I love her. I love that.
That's what we call chutzpah. I know she wouldn't, but we call it chutzpah.
And I fucking like it, and we should all be like that.

Speaker 1 It's so good. Wait, so we only got the name nuts? She didn't tell us her mom's real.

Speaker 2 Did she tell us in the beginning? No.

Speaker 2 I mean, what more do you need?

Speaker 1 I guess it is all I need. That is her government name, Tobino.

Speaker 1 This podcast is sponsored by PayPal.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's talk holiday shopping.

Speaker 1 From now through December 8th, you can get 20% cash back when you pay in four with PayPal. No fees, no interest.

Speaker 2 This limited time offer is perfect for the Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals you've been eyeing. Save the offer in the app now.

Speaker 1 So whether you're buying tickets to an improv show or a whodunit board game, PayPal helps you make the most of your money this holiday.

Speaker 2 Expires December 8th. See PayPal.com slash promo terms subject to approval.

Speaker 1 Learn more at paypal.com slash payin4, PayPal Inc., NMLS 910-457.

Speaker 2 Goodbye. Goodbye.
Don't miss Netflix's new series, The Beast in Me.

Speaker 1 It's a riveting psychological thriller from the team that brought you homeland.

Speaker 2 The Beast in Me follows acclaimed author Aggie Wiggs, played by Claire Daines, who has withdrawn from public life after the tragic death of her young son.

Speaker 1 She's unable to write and is a ghost of her former self. But Aggie finds an unlikely subject for a new book when the house next door is bought by Niall Jarvis, played by Matthew Reese.

Speaker 2 Niall is a famed real estate mogul who was once the prime suspect in his wife's disappearance.

Speaker 1 Horrified and fascinated by this man, Aggie finds herself compulsively hunting for the truth, chasing his demons while fleeing her own.

Speaker 2 It's a game of cat and mouse that sets them on a collision course with fatal consequences.

Speaker 1 The Beast and Me now playing only on Netflix.

Speaker 2 You will not want to miss this. Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Speaker 2 This is called Former Banker Self-Deposit Box Trazures. Anonymous, please.
Yes, please.

Speaker 1 Hello, lovelies.

Speaker 2 I'm currently months behind on episodes, so binge listening. In episode 441 from August 2024, you asked for safe deposit box stories.

Speaker 2 Then she says, so I hope this isn't too late. As if we've ever been like, stop writing the thing we asked for.

Speaker 1 Stop it. That's from six months ago.

Speaker 2 So no. More Matrix splitching the Matrix stories and laugh.

Speaker 2 Then I said, let's get into it.

Speaker 1 Never too late for that's just under the headline of Treasure, which will always be valid. Totally.

Speaker 4 All of it.

Speaker 2 I spent almost 15 years in retail banking. She wrote in two stories, but they're really long, so I'm just going to read the second one.
Okay. Because it says, Story two is much more scandalous.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Here we go. A man rented a safe deposit box at my bank.
I helped him with the rental, and he was charming and smooth. Think Miami Vice, total player.

Speaker 2 He visited the bank a few times a month, dressed to the nines to visit his safe deposit box. I love like it's a date that he got dressed up for.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The safe deposit box. And I'm imagining if they said, think Miami Vice, then it was what? Like kind of a pink linen suit?

Speaker 2 Yep, white suit jacket, pink tie, all the things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, everything's kind of open and chest hairy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but like so high end.

Speaker 1 And tons of Coke. Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, one day his wife shows up and wants entry to the box. No, ma'am, that is not how this works.
Your marital status does not give you ownership of a safe deposit box. So we turned her away.

Speaker 2 That's good to know. I know, right? I didn't know that.
She showed up about once a week, always approaching a different member of the staff.

Speaker 2 She knows what she's doing, trying to access the box and always getting the same response. You aren't an owner of the box.
You cannot access it.

Speaker 2 After weeks of this, she shows up in a state of desperation, screaming at us that her husband can't open the box because he's in prison awaiting bail and we have to let her in.

Speaker 2 We didn't. We couldn't.
That's not how the law works. But now that we had this tidbit about prison, the online sleuthing began.

Speaker 2 Keep in mind that this is the late 90s, so the internet is not what it is today. But with a determination and burning through several work hours, we found the arrest records.

Speaker 2 Several counts of manufacturing and selling fraudulent tickets to concerts and sporting events all over the state. Oh.
So random, right?

Speaker 1 It's so specific. I know.

Speaker 2 And then it says in parentheses, this might be a good time to inform the young MFN listeners that in the 90s, there was no such thing as a QR code.

Speaker 2 Cell phones only made phone calls and event tickets were all paper. I fucking used to go to the Hollywood and Vine ticket store to like buy paper tickets with cash because they charged you less.

Speaker 2 And I didn't have a credit card. I never had a credit card.
Right, exactly.

Speaker 1 Or like, didn't they also sell them at like Tower Records and stuff? There were certain places you could go to get concert tickets that had like a little machine.

Speaker 2 Totally, but you had to go to them. Yeah.
Oh my God. That's how it all was back then.
Everything was harder.

Speaker 2 Tickets were physical and fraud was much easier than it is today. Fast forward a few months, multiple vehicles pull into the bank parking lot at the same time.

Speaker 2 This is just like the movies, and here comes the wife again, this time being escorted by local sheriffs, state police, and no less than five U.S. Marshals.

Speaker 2 She's in handcuffs, and I've served a warrant for access to the safe deposit box. Everyone throw all the hoops.
And then the warrant was valid and required the bank to allow U.S.

Speaker 2 Marshals to access and inventory the box. A locksmith was called.
I observed the drilling of the lock lock and then handed over the closed box to the U.S. Marshals and left the privacy room.

Speaker 2 Well, sweet Jesus, curiosity was killing the cat when a U.S. Marshal came out of the privacy booth and said to me, here's the inventory list.
I need you to make three copies, please.

Speaker 2 You better believe I went to the coffee room to make those copies and absolutely took a quick peek at the inventory.

Speaker 1 I mean, what human being would not?

Speaker 2 The fact that they didn't make an extra copy for themselves is like, that means you're a saint.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? No, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 Like, I would have made myself an extra extra copy to like take, put it in my pocket, you know? But all non of us did was take a peek.

Speaker 1 Do you think it, you would do that because you're like, you won't tell me to not read this thing. I'll keep it for myself.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, I need this for later.

Speaker 1 I need to show my friends that I need this for my personal records.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah.
You can't take a screenshot of it because phones were just for phone calls.

Speaker 1 But also, I think this was a time where it was easier to keep all that separate, where it's like, if you're the person at the bank, you're like, sorry, I can't ever put my eyes toward your very private thing.

Speaker 1 Right. Where it's like, that was their their one and only chance to find out.
Totally.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Absolutely.
Because, yeah, you can't get into, like, they don't have the keys. The inventory is tens of thousands of dollars in cash and hundreds of diamonds, emeralds, sapphires, and rubies.

Speaker 2 As it turns out, my customer was part of a large-scale operation across state lines and one of multiple defendants tried in a RICO case. My customer, what's RICO again?

Speaker 1 Racketeer-influenced and corrupt organizations. So it's Mafia stuff.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's like mafia mafia stuff. Yeah.
Cool. Okay.

Speaker 2 My customer, Charming and Smooth, was responsible for cleaning the dirty cash by converting it to expensive gems and stones and then selling those gems, stones to a different jeweler to get clean cash in return.

Speaker 1 But you'd have to know the jeweler that would be just dealing in gems like that.

Speaker 1 It's not just any place you go into.

Speaker 2 I'm sure there's enough around town. I think so?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Because I think we should get into this.

Speaker 2 Sounds like a great business for us.

Speaker 2 I followed the case in the news for a few years, and even all these years later, my palms get sweaty thinking about the day a crew of U.S.

Speaker 2 Marshals rolled in and the criminal who'd been utilizing our bank to stash his dirty earnings.

Speaker 2 Hope this story makes the cut for a mini-sode sometime. Stay sexy, and if you're thinking about committing fraud, just don't.
Anonymous Murderino.

Speaker 1 Anonymous, you made it. You made the cut.

Speaker 1 Your name can't be involved, but... We know at heart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we know who you are.

Speaker 1 God, just, it stresses me out because all I can do is focus on the fact that

Speaker 1 you did all this work to make these fake tickets and rip these people off.

Speaker 1 You made your money. You had to turn it into jewels.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 How?

Speaker 1 Like where's those contacts? And then you have to sell those jewels.

Speaker 2 Totally. But I love the wife who just kept trying to get into, get rid of all the evidence.
She's got to get those jewels or like line her pockets. Totally.
Move the fuck out of town.

Speaker 1 I love learning that it's just the person who

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 1 safe deposit box the concept of them were set up for people to have secrets that no one finds out about illegal secrets too because like yes you can't put this in a bank you can't have this at home you can have it in the bank it's just not deposited

Speaker 1 but it's safe it's a secret in a bank where did safety deposit boxes come from i ask myself as i decide to do this as an episode

Speaker 2 nazis Promise it was Nazis.

Speaker 1 My dad saw the fucking movie, The Woman in Gold, which is about starring Helen Mirren about that climped portrait that the Nazis stole from the Jewish family and she had to go fight for it.

Speaker 2 He talked about it all weekend. I haven't seen it.
I'll watch it. It's really, well, it's good, but I mean, that all of that stuff where it's just like.
Oh, yeah, completely. Okay.

Speaker 1 The subject line of this is fellow finders unite. And then in parentheses, it says, hold on, why isn't mine money? Oh, got it.

Speaker 2 What does it mean? People who just find shit all the time. And why isn't the thing I find all the time money? I thought I'm guessing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think you're right.

Speaker 2 Because I've read this.

Speaker 1 Hello, fuckword murder mystery hosts my eternal compliments to the dad who coined this that alternative podcast name it's my favorite piece of historical fiction i love it yes ours too we just did a rewind episode with that when that first came out

Speaker 1 Okay, so it says, I just wanted to say to the recent listener who wrote in about their Chicago street money finding talent.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Girl, what?

Speaker 1 You two?

Speaker 1 And then a parentheses, it says, girl is meant to be gender neutral here for exclamation purposes.

Speaker 1 So it says, I also have a weird knack for finding lost things, not cash money, unfortunately. So hats off to that incredible luck.
But I have found the following.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, was this written by a crow? And it's just going to be a bunch of like

Speaker 2 weird shiny junk.

Speaker 1 Yes, things listing out a soda can tab, a quarter.

Speaker 2 I gave them all to a little girl.

Speaker 1 A piece of corn. Okay, so it says, I have found so many sets of lost keys.
My own keys when they're lost, almost never.

Speaker 1 But keys strangers have lost at the park, on a hiking trail, in parking lots at grocery stores, or on a riverbed? Absolutely yes.

Speaker 1 Sometimes even if I'm not looking, I just happen across them and see someone looking nearby, and I get to be a hero for a few minutes.

Speaker 2 That's hilarious.

Speaker 1 My favorite key finding story happened about three years ago when I went to the dog park a bit late one day after work.

Speaker 1 And while leaving, as the sky had just fully darkened, I noticed someone frantically looking around with a flashlight. They seemed really stressed.

Speaker 1 So I asked if everything was okay. This person was on the verge of tears and told me they had been looking for their keys for almost two hours and they were already late for work.

Speaker 1 No joke, I found their keys in less than a minute.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, I love that skill.

Speaker 1 It's such a good skill.

Speaker 1 Almost immediately after I started to look, they were just right in front of me and I was drawn to them right away, even in the dark. Wow.

Speaker 1 We both were shocked and they insisted that they had looked there several times before already.

Speaker 1 Two, I also find random lost items that are still in perfect condition all the time, like Bert's Bee's chapstick with the plastic wrap still on.

Speaker 2 I still wouldn't touch it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because why did the person just go like that? No, unopened candy, mints, or packages of gum, perfectly intact glasses and jewelry.

Speaker 1 And once again, a favorite recent story: just last week, I found an unopened package of weed from a local dispensary on the grounds, still fully sealed and childproofed.

Speaker 1 Three, credit cards, debit cards, and IDs.

Speaker 1 At least four times a a year, I find these items someone lost in my path. I try to return them when I can, but I can't always find the person.

Speaker 1 Once I even found what looked to be someone's entire wallet, everything but cash dumped out on the ground.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to see what I find next, and I would love to know why isn't it also street cash? I guess I'll have to take my random weed gifts and acts of kindness finding strangers' keys for now.

Speaker 1 Stay sexy and keep your eyes on the potential prizes in front of you. Kendra.
Cheers.

Speaker 2 Amazing. Isn't that so good? That reminds me of, so you're not obsessed with mudlarking, which is like finding stuff in the Thames and all that stuff.

Speaker 2 And the thing I read about people who are really good at it, at just finding treasure among trash, is that our brains immediately want to spot man-made shapes.

Speaker 2 So not natural shapes. It just like makes sense that your brain just goes to like a button among rocks because it's circular and it's not supposed to be in nature.
So you just kind of think like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That you're looking for not natural shapes.
Your brain will find whatever's there. Yeah.
Isn't that cool? Yes, for sure.

Speaker 1 I follow a couple mudlarking accounts on TikTok, and there's a woman who does it. And I'm almost positive she does this on purpose.

Speaker 1 And it's so brilliant because she puts this thing down into the water so the camera is clear.

Speaker 1 So you can see from her point of view,

Speaker 1 looking at the river, right? You've seen it. I butt lover, yeah.
So it's almost like, I was looking here and this is interesting. And then you see it? Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then there's always something when she goes and picks up, say, like the button. Yeah.
There's always something else in the shop where I'm like, why aren't you touching that over there?

Speaker 1 And I think that's potentially intentional so that it is a little more addictive.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe, or it's my suggestion.

Speaker 1 Hide a little bird in there.

Speaker 2 A little piece of like china. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's my favorite. My favorite one was the bird that time.
Yeah. Someone found like, it was a bird whistle or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Yeah.
That's amazing. So good.

Speaker 1 This podcast is sponsored by PayPal.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's talk holiday shopping.

Speaker 1 From now through December 8th, you can get 20% cash back when you pay in four with PayPal. No fees, no interest.

Speaker 2 This limited time offer is perfect for the Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals you've been eyeing. Save the offer in the app now.

Speaker 1 So, whether you're buying tickets to an improv show or a whodunit board game, PayPal helps you make the most of your money this holiday.

Speaker 2 Expires December 8th. See PayPal.com/slash promo terms subject to approval.

Speaker 1 Learn more at paypal.com/slash payin4, PayPal Inc., nmls 910-457.

Speaker 2 Goodbye. Goodbye.
Don't miss Netflix's new series, The Beast in Me.

Speaker 1 It's a riveting psychological thriller from the team that brought you homeland.

Speaker 2 The Beast in Me follows acclaimed author Aggie Wiggs, played by Claire Daines, who has withdrawn from public life after the tragic death of her young son.

Speaker 1 She's unable to write and is a ghost of her former self. But Aggie finds an unlikely subject for a new book when The House Next Door is bought by Niall Jarvis, played by Matthew Reese.

Speaker 2 Niall is a famed real estate mogul who was once the prime suspect in his wife's disappearance.

Speaker 1 Horrified and fascinated by this man, Aggie finds herself compulsively hunting for the truth, chasing his demons while fleeing her own.

Speaker 2 It's a game of cat and mouse that sets them on a collision course with fatal consequences.

Speaker 1 The Beast and Me now playing only on Netflix.

Speaker 2 You will not want to miss this.

Speaker 4 Goodbye. Goodbye.

Speaker 2 Okay, here's my last one. I'm not going to read you the title.
I'm going to read you the title. Is it moron?

Speaker 2 Doesn't make any sense. Hello.
I've been listening since I came out of the womb. Maybe a bit dramatic, but it really feels like that.

Speaker 2 I love you guys so much and sometimes forget how much the podcast has grown. I recently had a job interview and someone I met told me they were from Petaluma.

Speaker 2 I said, oh my God, this tiny underground podcast that I listened to, one of the hosts are from there. And she said, yeah, people always say that when I tell them where I'm from.
Imagine my surprise.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I never intended to write in, but I just listened to Minnie Sode 423 and was inspired by the story about the falling priest.

Speaker 2 Remember at the funeral and the priest fucking fell face down, just like

Speaker 2 a timber and just like made everyone at the funeral laugh. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yes, but also there have been so we've done so many of these. It's kind of like, yep, there's somewhere in there.

Speaker 2 Totally. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So that, that one was about laughing, needing a good laugh at a horrible time and how important that is. And so this, then it goes on to say, in 2017, I had spinal fusion surgery for my scoliosis.

Speaker 2 And being 16 at the time, I was treated at the children's hospital.

Speaker 2 In the waiting room full of kids, much sicker than I, and loads of worrying parents, we anxiously wait to hear our last names so we can go over final paperwork before the surgery.

Speaker 2 One of the nurses calls out for a family saying, is it moron?

Speaker 2 That annoyed mom says, it's Monroe.

Speaker 2 And then there's an emoji, like just a flat line of like,

Speaker 2 emoji. In a way that sounded like that mistake happens pretty frequently.
Yeah. In a completely silent room, my parents and I lock eyes and burst out laughing.

Speaker 2 A nearby family joined in, and we shared a much-needed cackle before hours of surgery/slash waiting. This is a classic story in our family, and you guys feel like family.
So I wanted to share.

Speaker 2 Stay sexy and don't yell moron in a room full of sick kids. Emma,

Speaker 2 is it moron? It's not moron.

Speaker 1 No, our name isn't like Dan and Jean Moron, and we're here with our child. What are you talking about? I'm kidding at you.

Speaker 2 There's nobody named Moron, probably.

Speaker 1 I think they would change their name.

Speaker 2 I think so, too.

Speaker 1 Okay, here's my last one. The subject line is bumper boats, trauma, lighthearted.

Speaker 1 Hi, I've been listening since 2016.

Speaker 2 Love you all. Wow.
I haven't.

Speaker 1 When I was eight, my family went to the fair. My older siblings and I really wanted to go on the bumper boat attraction, basically bumper cars on water.
Have you ever done that?

Speaker 2 No, but it doesn't sound crazy. Right.

Speaker 1 Seems familiar, but I haven't done it.

Speaker 1 Each boat was equipped with rubber edges so you could crash into other boats without causing damage. Great.
When we got in line, we could see the rules said ages eight and up could ride alone.

Speaker 1 I was elated. I felt so grown up, ready to captain my own tiny vessel.
I remember seeing a younger boy riding with his mom and thinking, ha, he's not even old enough to drive his own boat.

Speaker 1 When When they released us, I realized the steering was a lot harder than I'd imagined. The wheel was very sensitive.

Speaker 1 As everyone else was having fun driving around, I was desperately trying to control my boat. I was zigzagging all over the place.

Speaker 1 When the whistle blew to end the ride, everyone smoothly navigated back to the dock. Meanwhile, I couldn't figure out how to steer my boat that way.
Full panic set in.

Speaker 1 The pool itself was not very big, but to me, it felt like the ocean. I thought to myself, I'll never make it back to the dock.

Speaker 1 Every time I came close to the dock and the right attendant tried to catch me, I'd unintentionally zip away.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 I'm not doing it on purpose.

Speaker 1 This went on so long that the attendant started to put waders on to get into the water to grab me.

Speaker 2 Oh, are you crying? And you're probably crying.

Speaker 1 Humiliating.

Speaker 2 So humiliating.

Speaker 1 Just trying to have fun at the fucking fair. However, before he stepped into the pool, an older gentleman who was standing near the edge caught my boat and was able to guide me to the dock.

Speaker 1 Relief flooded me as I burst into tears.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, my mom was laughing hysterically as she watched the whole thing unfold from the sidelines.

Speaker 1 She had to physically turn away so I couldn't see how hard she was laughing at my terror.

Speaker 2 It's the littlest bit of joy she's had in so fucking long.

Speaker 1 And also it's controlled danger.

Speaker 2 She's like,

Speaker 1 but nothing's going to happen from this.

Speaker 2 This is

Speaker 2 so hilarious.

Speaker 1 Once I was back on dry land, she took me in her arms and we decided that was enough riots for the day. Let's go home.

Speaker 1 Since then, I've always wondered if they raised the minimum wage after that incident. I'll never know.
SSDGM and always have a pair of waiters on hand.

Speaker 2 Kelsey. Being a kid sucks so bad.

Speaker 1 It's a series of seeing other kids doing things, going, here's what I'm going to do when I do that thing.

Speaker 1 You go to do that thing. Not only do none of those things happen, but a series of other totally unprepared for and like unimagined things happen.

Speaker 2 And then you're like, oh, that's how I'm going to get after humiliation. Like constantly.

Speaker 2 It's why I don't want kids mainly because I don't want to live through someone else's horrible fucking childhood again for real. For real.
I can't watch someone I love get bullied.

Speaker 1 No. Or humiliated.

Speaker 2 Like, I just can't do it. I'm done.
No, I'm done with that part of life.

Speaker 1 Or hold their hand through it and be like, it'll be okay.

Speaker 2 Cause it's like it's not. It won't.
By the grace of God, it's fine, right? You and I are fine.

Speaker 1 But like, the good news is nothing's okay.

Speaker 2 So it's true.

Speaker 1 In a way, we do have to keep on remembering. And like you're saying, we just have to keep remembering and reminding each other always.

Speaker 1 This happens to every single person. It's just a different noun.
It's not the bumper boats. It's just a different

Speaker 1 pants.

Speaker 2 Mine is pants. Oh.
It's just always something. Yours is tampons being thrown across my side.

Speaker 1 Mine's the tampon suitcase.

Speaker 1 It's also the day I watched a girl who was, I think, in fifth or sixth grade walk in because it was free dress day. I think I've told you this a thousand times.

Speaker 1 But this one had killed my soul because I was in eighth grade. And of course,

Speaker 1 I went to Catholic school, so it was first through eighth. So the eighth graders, by the time you're in eighth grade, you're like, I'm fine.
And I'm just trying to prepare for high school.

Speaker 1 It was free dress day, which we got like, I think, once a month. So it was very special.
Everyone wore their best and it was a big deal.

Speaker 1 This little girl who was a lovely girl, and I think she was only in like the fourth or fifth grade.

Speaker 1 And also our, sorry, I tried to make this fast, but our playground, because it was Catholic school, it was like part gravel, part unpaved like okay bad for children to play on literally a 45 grain

Speaker 1 downhill like you weren't allowed to run because you would start and you wouldn't be able to stop blah blah blah I'd never noticed this before but in the entrance there was almost like a little lip of like asphalts where they kept having to pave over it because this is where all the kids walked in but then that then it was downhill started

Speaker 1 And this little girl walked in and immediately slipped and fell because she had brand new like Mary Jane's on

Speaker 1 or hard shoes that she had not scuffed. And she got up and basically fell down like five times in front of the eighth grade girls.
Oh, no. And by the end, I mean, it was multiple, four or five.

Speaker 1 By the end, me and my friend almost went to get her. And then she finally made it up and like ran away.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 But it was one of those things where I was watching going, you'll always remember this. You'll never forget this moment.

Speaker 1 You'll always scuff your shoes.

Speaker 1 This has changed your trajectory. Absolutely.

Speaker 2 It's the kid who pisses themselves or calls the teacher mom on accident in third grade. You'll never not be that kid.

Speaker 1 And you'll hold it like you think that's the reason people don't want to talk to you in a bar or something.

Speaker 2 But everyone's fine. Everyone has that.

Speaker 1 Everyone's barfed and pissed and called people mom that they're not supposed to call mom. We're gonna be okay.
We're gonna be okay.

Speaker 1 We're gonna be okay. Stay sexy.

Speaker 2 And don't get murdered. Goodbye.
Elvis, do you want a cookie?

Speaker 1 This has been an exactly right production.

Speaker 2 Our senior producer is Alejandra Keck.

Speaker 1 Our editor is Aristotle Acevedo.

Speaker 2 This episode was mixed by Liana Squolacci.

Speaker 1 Email your hometowns to myfavoritemurder at gmail.com.

Speaker 2 And follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at MyFavorite Murder.

Speaker 4 Goodbye.

Speaker 1 No one brings out your inner monster like a bad neighbor.

Speaker 2 Claire Danes and Matthew Reese find that out for themselves in The Beast in Me, a a new eight-episode drama from the team that brought you homeland. Danes plays Aggie Wiggs, a grieving writer.

Speaker 2 Reese plays Niall Jarvis, her new neighbor and possible murderer.

Speaker 1 But who's the monster and who's the bad neighbor? That's another story.

Speaker 2 It's a game of cat and mouse that sets them on a collision course with fatal consequences.

Speaker 1 The Beast in Me, now playing only on Netflix.

Speaker 2 You will not want to miss this. Goodbye.
Goodbye.

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Google. Bye.
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Speaker 2 And December 31st, exclusions may apply. Terms and minimum order apply.
See App for details. Goodbye.
Bye-bye.