Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 16: The Wizard of Wines

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Speaker 1 This is a head gun podcast.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Trinivale.

Speaker 1 And also... Baravia!

Speaker 1 Fuck yeah, I'm getting so much energy, so much energy from your voices. I'm energized, I'm energized to the gills.
I'm ready for the chills and thrills.

Speaker 1 That's dude. That's right, folks.
I'm energized, and I am your Dracula uncle, aka Dronkle called Walt Hanner. And I'm joined, as always, by my plumaged players, Brian Murphy.

Speaker 1 Fighting trees and charging parking fees, Jens Lindell.

Speaker 1 Oh, we've also got Emily Axford. I'll have what is having a W-frame cabin.
It's Annex Lumière.

Speaker 1 so sacred so hallowed and of course Jake Hurwitz land connector and porcelain figurine collector back of the ran of course

Speaker 1 so many angel butts so many angels

Speaker 1 guys uh i'm so sad that we've left our our beautiful sacred uh w frame behind but we must plow forward uh and we must plow right into some blights but before we do that how about a quick recap do it all righty please

Speaker 1 having set fire to the Abbey of Markovia, you three made your escape in your new ally, Esmeralda's magic wagon.

Speaker 1 Joined by Fitbit, the Were Ravens, and Donk Squad, you thundered down the road towards the winery.

Speaker 1 On the way, Esmeralda showed off her wagon's traveling tavern mode, allowing you all to get a long rest.

Speaker 1 While you relaxed, Marina suggested you head for Luna Lake, a small body of water outside the winery. It's not big enough for motorboating, but it is the perfect size for Markovia to consecrate.

Speaker 1 And so, with a new course plotted, you started brainstorming hashtag lakelifesigns to adorn your new waterfront cabin.

Speaker 1 While you worked, Esmerilda told you about her relationship with Leomund, who you suspected was killed by Strahd, and you became even more united in your goals.

Speaker 1 Next, you sent ahead the Were Ravens dag and steph to alert Davian, the winery's owner, that you'd be arriving soon.

Speaker 1 You then chatted more with the ghost of Markovia, who told you of Alana's time at the Abbey.

Speaker 1 It seems she was nearing a breakthrough with her anti-vampire cure, and that after fleeing the abbot's clutches, she and Marina headed to the very winery you're about to visit.

Speaker 1 Finally, you fell asleep and were greeted by a shared dream. In your vision, you saw Strahd's brother Sergei on the day of his wedding to Tatyana.

Speaker 1 After being killed and drained by Strahd, you saw Baba Lasaga and her witches attack the other wedding guests.

Speaker 1 As this happened, Sergei implored you to grow stronger, keep fighting, and not give in to despair.

Speaker 1 You awoke and found you had arrived at the lake, where you proceeded to dump the the wagon's septic tank into the water, Dave Matthews style. Got to.

Speaker 1 You got to do it. The slander continues.
Two episodes of slander.

Speaker 1 Is it slander if it happened?

Speaker 1 It's just the truth. Crashing to me is about the poop going in.
Yeah, it's about shit crashing into fresh water. Markovia then instructed you on how to perform the hollow spell ritual.

Speaker 1 As Marina and Esmeralda focused on the spell, you three envisioned a spiritual fortress, which took the form of a W-frame mansion with turrets.

Speaker 1 Inside was a mid-century modern open concept house littered with bashful angel figurines and wine signs.

Speaker 1 And of course outside you conjured a Hooters parking lot.

Speaker 1 You dubbed it Hooters aka Tudors and promised

Speaker 1 Hooters 2 the sequel to Hooters and promised that one day a spudfuckers would stand on this holy land as well.

Speaker 1 Markovia then suggested that Marina stay here to train, and Jins agreed with concerning haste. It's fine.

Speaker 1 The donk squad decided to stay behind as well.

Speaker 1 And so, with all of your NPCs safely stashed away, you headed to the winery where you witnessed for the first time the huge, menacing tree known as Gorthias.

Speaker 1 I actually think we made like a really clever pun by accident because a W-frame cabin looks a little bit like Tudor architecture. Yeah, totally.
You guys are so smart. It's a Tudor hooters.

Speaker 1 We're pretty smart.

Speaker 1 Did any of you do that on purpose

Speaker 1 i'll say i didn't you but you did murder definitely yeah right yeah yeah it's improv is a dance yeah i also did improv is a dance and i'm leading both of you are ahead of that pun yeah oh yeah and i'm the one who's leading uh-huh yeah

Speaker 1 okay surprised you caught up dude i i bow down to you guys yeah yeah you're masters of the craft

Speaker 1 and two-door is oh sometimes there are cars with two doors and there's a parking lot in front yeah yeah also a two-door sedan it works on so many levels all of them smart

Speaker 1 so that's the end of the recap because I needed to recap the joke as well. Now that that's out of the way, thank you, Emily.
And now that we all did it on purpose, moving on.

Speaker 1 I'm just glad to catch the rest of the audience that is unfortunately in the dregs

Speaker 1 with me up to Jake and against Tudor Style House would be it's cool because yeah, you're acting as the lay person, aka the audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who has taken a full two weeks to catch up to us, which honestly tracks makes sense. I'm not surprised.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. And if you were to describe two-door style to a layperson, it would be.
Yeah. And it would, well, a two-door is a type of, it's a house that has a front door and a back door.
There you go.

Speaker 1 Okay. There's obviously not a side door.
And hey, so we're talking split.

Speaker 1 Wait, I meant tudor, like t-u-d-o-r. Yeah, and so did I.

Speaker 1 It's two-door. Tudor.
Yep. And that's kind of like.
Todor, not tador.

Speaker 1 I might be predicting

Speaker 1 raw. I got one more.
Sometimes when you eat a lot of hooters, you get farty, so you're a tutor as well. Roll initiative! Hey!

Speaker 1 As you stared at it, you heard the crackling of twigs, and suddenly you were met by an army of shambling plant creatures covered in thorny claws and vines. And that is where we are now.

Speaker 1 You hear a chorus of splintering limbs as these vine-like creatures emerge through the mists.

Speaker 1 Their small bodies are humanoid in shape, but made of vines that crisscross their frames like muscles and tendons. On their heads, bunches of pungent grapes grow like hair and beards.

Speaker 1 The fruit jiggles wildly as they unsheath thorny claws and prepare to strike. Jens looks away.
His trees are jacked.

Speaker 1 It's one o'clock somewhere. Oh my god, they're so funny.
Everybody roll initiative. They're witty and shredded and threatened.
12. Okay.
15. 16.
I can't roll shit for ass.

Speaker 1 That's so crass, Murph.

Speaker 1 Hey, man, fuck it. Do you know we have tweens that listen to this show?

Speaker 1 We have so many tweens that listen to the show. Adoring tweens or tutors.
Who will find that hilarious? So, as we start here, let me give you a quick play of the land. Please.

Speaker 1 Folks, you are on this long dirt trail set between two fields of grapevines. There are currently three swarms of these wine blights approaching from their hiding spots.

Speaker 1 About 120 feet north of you, you see this large two-story ivory-covered winery.

Speaker 1 There's a loading dock to one side of the winery, and on top of that dock, you see a flock of Were Raven workers huddled in fear.

Speaker 1 These wine blights jiggle their grapey hair and begin to attack. But first up is going to be Esmeralda.
Ooh. These guys are freaky.
They're funny, but they're freaky, right? Yeah, shoot them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay. Actually, I'm going to try something else.
I'm going to shoot them with something extra nasty. I'm going to curse their ass.
How about that? Yeah. Fuck you guys.
Let's curse them out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Jens, you've been in a garcing mood. Yeah, fuck off, you shit grapes.

Speaker 1 Ooh, that's crass. I love it.
Yeah. Nyak plugs his ears.

Speaker 1 Hey, how about this wine? No clock, right? Okay, here we go. Now I'm feeling it.

Speaker 1 So she is going to target one creature she can see, and they're going to need to make a DC-14 wisdom saving throw or be cursed.

Speaker 1 While cursed, the target has vulnerability to one type of damage of Esmeralda's choice.

Speaker 1 Fuck. They just got it.
Okay. They just rolled a 14.
Thank you so much, Esmeralda. I think there might be a spot at the trading ground.

Speaker 1 Maybe you could train with Marina. Where all of our, quote, friends.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, you could protect the porcelain figures. Yes.

Speaker 1 The little angels would be

Speaker 1 so sick. Worried about people stealing the angels.
Hey, shut the fuck up. I have two attacks.
I should have just done that. I thought it'd be cool.
I was trying to impress you. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Esmeralda rethinks her whole life, looks a little embarrassed. Esmeralda, just advice, nothing impresses us more than people who don't want to be friends with us.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's a a monkey that I've never met. Or maybe I have.
Yeah, you have. But I'm obsessed with him.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 See, and he didn't register, and that's why he's awesome. Okay, so yeah, so like, would you neg you guys a little bit? That sounds pretty good.
Yeah, all right. You guys are perfect friends of my ass.

Speaker 1 How's that sound? It's too late. Stop! Jens looks horribly offended and just looks down.
The time for kidding is over.

Speaker 1 These wine blights are going to attack. They're going to go for Niak, Jens, and Onyx.

Speaker 1 Niak fully turns to Esmeralda, slumps his shoulders, looking away from the big mound, and it's just like, what do you mean by that? Friends of your ass? As he gets stabbed in the back of the head.

Speaker 1 That's going to be one hit on Niak, one hit on Jins, and Onyx, does A15 hit you? It does not. It does not.
So no hits on Onyx. Sorry.
As Jens looks down offended, a vine goes into his brainstem.

Speaker 1 WTF. Wine time finally.

Speaker 1 Wait, what?

Speaker 1 Okay, that's going to be eight points of damage to Jins. Ow.
And then 13 points of damage to Nia. Ow, I'm not drinking right now.

Speaker 1 Yes, he is. I'd still like to party.
I joined the wine monster. This guy's never partied in his life.

Speaker 1 Nayak, that is going to bring us to you. Okay, I'm going to spin around and Zephyr Strike to get advantage on my first attack, shooting at this big mound of bramble.
Great. That's a 21 21 to hit.

Speaker 1 That hits. All right.
I get an extra D8 there, and I'm also going to get my bonus attack for Dread Ambusher. That's a 22.
Sick, that hits as well. And now that we're leveled up, I get another attack.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Congratulations, Nyak, I say with furious eyes. Oh, I forgot you don't get it to level six.
Wow. Dude, to attack club.
That's awesome, man. I also get to attack.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Esmeralda, what are you in the no-attack club?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 perfect friend of my ass, aren't you, Esmeralda?

Speaker 1 Jens laughs when Nyack says it.

Speaker 1 Does a 17 hit?

Speaker 1 17 does hit. That is 56 damage.
Jesus.

Speaker 1 Nyak, you absolutely decimate this shambling mound of vines. They just clump harmlessly to the ground.
The grapes are yours to collect if you wish, sir. Thanks.
I'm actually, I'm good.

Speaker 1 I'm good, but I am here to have fun. I'm just not going to have any of the grapes, but thank you guys.
You're not even eating fruit at this point. I hate fruit to ferment.

Speaker 1 I don't even have a grapefruit. I hate to eat a grape.

Speaker 1 Eat a grape. I tried to figure your pressure in eating a grape.

Speaker 1 Dude, you've heard the bosom buddies. This is an ass companion.
I love this guy. Okay, Esmeralda.
Cool it.

Speaker 1 Sorry. The wine fumes are really strong.
You've made your point, all right? It's not funny anymore. It's just me.
Is he crying? We're all crying.

Speaker 1 Okay, next up to cry is Onyx.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I said bonus action, I will cast Spirit Shroud, so I will do extra damage.

Speaker 1 Okay, so there are two left? There's two left, yeah. Okay, I'm going to attack twice because I also have two attacks now thanks to an S hand.

Speaker 1 I can fight with my offhand. I have an offhand.
Pretty soon I'm going to have technically three because my offhand. More like S hand.
That's really crass. That's important.
Yeah, that was crass.

Speaker 1 12 and an 18 to hit. 18 hits.
19 damage. Hell yeah.
This shroud descends, blocking out the mist and replacing it with your own special brand of mist. What does the shroud look like? The spirit shroud?

Speaker 1 I think that it looks like everyone, instead of the spirits of the dead, it looks like everyone I have impersonated.

Speaker 1 Oh, and it's really

Speaker 1 poker heiress power.

Speaker 1 So kind of like I am surrounded by friendly poker heiress. Just a kaleidoscope of Verobians and Dead King.
And critters from Mobians.

Speaker 1 In this shroud, you descend upon this Wine Blight horde and just bludgeon the hell out of them with your maul. Hell yeah.
Okay, awesome.

Speaker 1 They look a little roughed up, but they are still skittering around. Their thorny claws are still exposed.
That is going to bring us to Jins. I attack the same one.
Nice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 11 on one, 17 on the other. One hits.
Okay, great. I'll do a defensive flourish.

Speaker 1 Technically, two attacks. 20 damage.
Woo! Jim. Here we go.
Finish off this second wine blight. I do a backflip.
I jump into it. I swing really hard with my forehand and destroy it in one hit.

Speaker 1 And then I swing around and do a really terrible attack with my offhand. And I go see two attacks.
Nayak, with righteous tears of fury in his eyes, turns to Esmeralda.

Speaker 1 That's the man you called an asshand.

Speaker 1 Piece of shit. My hand makes a farting sound as I drop my sword.
I hope you witnessed that. Who are you calling asshand? Is this too much? I'm like trying to figure out the balance.

Speaker 1 Esmo Krelta, I also missed one of my attacks. Why are you going after Jen? I don't know.
He seems like he's the alpha. I feel like I need to take him down a pig.
He's the alpha.

Speaker 1 Is it working? I'm scared.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that is Jen's turn. You see, next up, Keychain is going to birth three potions

Speaker 1 as if he's giving birth to puppies. Oh, puppy surprise.
Oh, graphic. We better get six and not three.

Speaker 1 Wait, you can get as few as two in those things.

Speaker 1 Potion, surprise. If I get two puppies, I'm going to freak out.

Speaker 1 Mine has an umbilical cord.

Speaker 1 Does someone want to chew this off? No.

Speaker 1 Unless there's six, then I'll choose six umbilical cords. And potions don't work unless you chew off the umbilicals.
This never happened before.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that's going to be two boldness potions and one alter self potion. Whoa.
I will hold on to these unless someone wants them right now. I ignore Keychain.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Keychain is going to use his action to help Esmeralda, who's next in the order. And could use it.
Okay, geez. I really liked your ass jokes.
You were so confident. Teaching.
You really liked her ass?

Speaker 1 What? And then you called her. Keychain, you really are a dog.
You really liked her ass, jokes? What the fuck is your problem here? Do you see how they treat me?

Speaker 1 That kind of behavior is not going to fly. That's not going to fly.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Tutors is respectable. We don't talk to people like that at Tutors.
We don't. We don't.
If you work for Tutors, you will be respected. He puts a paw on Esmeralda and says, see what they do.

Speaker 1 You have to get ahead before it's too late. They are vicious.

Speaker 1 What are you whispering? I'm mime snapping like a turtle.

Speaker 1 Think of better jokes, quick.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that brings us back to Esmeralda. She's going to take two attacks.
That is going to be two hits for Esmeralda thanks to Keychain.

Speaker 1 Way to go, Esmeralda. You only needed a lot of help from the robot.
You would be a really good candidate for AI if you like help from robots.

Speaker 1 I see him more as a friend and also maybe potentially a romance partner. Yes, that is what people do with AI.
You're using it correctly.

Speaker 1 Good dog. She pats Keychain and then slashes down on these Wine Blights for 21 damage.
And that is another Wine Blight horde defeated. Nice.
Two attacks, baby. Two butt cheeks, right?

Speaker 1 You see what I'm doing here? Stopped. You had it.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 All right, so you've made quick work of two of these wine blight hordes. There's only one left, but that is the wine blight's turn.

Speaker 1 Nike, you managed to take one of these hordes out super quick, so I think the blights are going to go for you next. I barely did anything, Blight.
Esmeralda just killed you.

Speaker 1 I haven't done anything for a few seconds. Yes, that's so true.
Go after Esmeralda. Don't talk to me until I've had my wine.
And by wine, I mean you.

Speaker 1 You should be a writer. Did AI come up with that? You have to tell us.
You have to tell us if you're AI. Don't talk to me until I've had my wine.
I really like that. We are all connected in a way.

Speaker 1 We are a network of thinkers, of fighters, of blighters, perhaps also writers. Oh my god, it rhymes.

Speaker 1 So they're going to do an intoxicating punch on you. No.

Speaker 1 This is going to be. No, we aren't drinking.
Wait. Nyack.
Nyack, no, I say rosy. Shout and don't try to help.

Speaker 1 Open wide. I'm good.

Speaker 1 You see, all of these grapes bloom on one of their thorny hands, and they're going to try and punch that into your mouth. Go ahead and make a DC-11 saving throw for me.
Constitution. Okay.

Speaker 1 Constitution, which I have a negative one too, I think.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. That's a nat one.
No!

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Nayak!

Speaker 1 Stay strong.

Speaker 1 Nyak, you are now drunk, which is the same as the poisoned condition, so you have disadvantage on attacks and ability checks for the next minute. But you're more interesting.

Speaker 1 Nyak just sways and

Speaker 1 that is the wine blight's turn. Nyak, that is you.
If you can stay on your feet. Okay, okay, I'll have one.
I'll have one.

Speaker 1 Nyack puts his arm around Esmeralda really sloppily.

Speaker 1 You're alright. You're alright.
Sorry, we're giving you such a hard time.

Speaker 1 Your nose is so red.

Speaker 1 I fall forward, shooting my bow at the same time, so I'll take this with disadvantage. Being heinously drunk with a bow and arrow is so scary.

Speaker 1 Worse than a sword, I think. It sounds like a bachelor party, though, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Axe throwing. Yeah.
Yeah. Nyak slips in the mud, fires an arrow straight in the air, but that is a 19.

Speaker 1 19 still hits.

Speaker 1 14 damage, but I'll use the acid on this bow. Nice.
Which I can do three times. So 17.
17 damage. This wine blight is shedding limbs.
Grapes are exploding like blood, but it is still standing.

Speaker 1 And that is going to bring us to Onyx.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Do more attacks.

Speaker 1 Zach and that's one.

Speaker 1 That is a 17. Okay, more like Astax, but seriously, good job.
17 will hit. Okay.
You're funny, Esmeralda. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I have to pretend that you're not funny, but you're funny.

Speaker 1 I like you, Esmeralda. You have to pretend? 21 damage.
21 damage. Onyx, finish this last wine blight horde.

Speaker 1 I think I see my companion, Nayak. As soon as he gets too drunk, Jens turns on him.
I look at Onyx and I go, it's honestly humiliating the way he's acting. Really?

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, I was saying I didn't want to get drunk. This is fun.
We're having such a good time.

Speaker 1 I'm just such a follower that it's hard for me to do something on my own and now talk about how much fun we're having but it's not that fun you know what i mean i love you guys i freaking love all of you guys now i'm starting to feel like if i got to his level i would feel how he feels you should i'm gonna finish it by

Speaker 1 eating it and

Speaker 1 try to get drunk i want to feel what you feel

Speaker 1 i only had one guys if i let go of him he's going to drop so i'm just gonna keep holding on to him they don't know how to hold their shit let him go

Speaker 1 Onyx, give me a DC 11 Constitution save.

Speaker 1 11 on the docky!

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're holding it together. You're just having a good time.
Okay, I don't know why I wasn't doing this. It's like so fun.
It just rocks, right? There's no downside. Onyx does a split.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. She does a split and then puts her feet, her hands on the ground and then does like a handstand split.
Well, Nyek, no disrespect, but what's wrong with you?

Speaker 1 Nyak drops to do a split, but just face plants onto a rock.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, he also tore his groin.

Speaker 1 I get it. Nyak, no, you'll never play basketball again.
He did a split, but I could tell he's not that flexible. He just forced it.
Jesus.

Speaker 1 I dropped so hard, I cracked my pelvis. This man's groin needs instant attention.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 As you decimate these wine blights, just twigs and branches and berries lay scattered around you. It is a bloodbath of grapes.

Speaker 1 But as they stop moving, as the last branches stop twitching, you see a few of the ravens from the loading dock flap over to your location. Their beaks click and clack with gratitude.

Speaker 1 Jins, Rules, kinda, you saved us. Oh, please, please come with us.
Dag and Steph warned us you were coming. We have prepared a place for you to stay.
Please, you must come meet Master Davian.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. Does he need help? I cracked my face in my pelvis, but I feel fine.
Yeah, he's good.

Speaker 1 He needs he's good. Kind of walk it off, I think.
I'm great.

Speaker 1 I'm grape, I should say.

Speaker 1 We have a stretcher, but no, you should probably walk it off. That's better.
Yeah, he should probably walk it off. Okay, yeah, let's get him to walk it off.
All right. Or we could dance it off.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. It's a searing pain through my whole body whenever I move my hips, but I think I could dance this off.
All right, now we're having a walk.

Speaker 1 I crack a few graves.

Speaker 1 And I start moonwalking towards the house.

Speaker 1 You guys have got the wizard in you. This is fun fun now.
That's what we call it here when you're getting a little drunk and having fun. You've got that wizard in you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, Macarena.

Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 1 I think we do a Congoline, but a Macarena in Congolese. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maca Trena. Maca Trena.

Speaker 1 Macana.

Speaker 1 We invented this. That's how we get around everywhere now.
Do you really understand why humans and alcohol co-evolved? Oh, yeah. When you invent something like Zamaca Trena.
Damn. I could never.

Speaker 1 Keychain, you're AI, okay? You could do anything. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you. You can't spell anything without AI.

Speaker 1 Keychain plows through a bunch of wine.

Speaker 1 Like Pac-Man, and then feels charged up. Yeah.
You drink alcohol, you drink everything. You drink air, you drink land, you drink

Speaker 1 resources. I must consume.
There you go. I never thought that like we are the fish of the air

Speaker 1 because we are sipping air all the time.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. We are the fish of the air.
Jens walks ahead.

Speaker 1 I just say to the were ravens, just take us to the nicest room, even if someone else lives there. Onyx is in the mood to rough house and just

Speaker 1 tackle Jen.

Speaker 1 Jens was standing straight up as he was tackled, and his kneecaps just go backwards.

Speaker 1 You land on the same rock, Nyak did. Dog pile, dog pile.
Nyack jumps on top of you guys. Dog pile! For fuck's sake, Jens will get in both of my knees.
They're both gone.

Speaker 1 I love you guys. I never say it.
What's in dog pile? What are you doing? You guys should never fucking drink again. I love you guys too.
Jeff, do you love us? No.

Speaker 1 Will you say it out loud? I need to be inside. I need to be inside the goddamn house.
Secretly, I want to hear it more than anything.

Speaker 1 See you guys.

Speaker 1 Maka Trina, your way up the trail to the train. Makatrina and Rough House.

Speaker 1 Stop. Just keep swatting on XOA as she tries to dive.
What's wrong with horseplay? Stop. It means it moves a horseplay.

Speaker 1 It's the sloppiest Makatraina I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 So you finally, after a long, bumbling walk, make your way up to the winery.

Speaker 1 Nestled amidst the ivy on the winery's front entrance is a faded sign that reads, The Wizard of Wines. It features a picture of an intoxicated wizard surrounded by floating wine glasses.
That's great.

Speaker 1 You like that? Yeah. Do you have anything like this in the gift shop? Oh, so many things.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Can we have a gift card?

Speaker 1 Do you want

Speaker 1 to help?

Speaker 1 We just helped.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll give you a $300 gift card. Yeah, you had bites in your front yard and we got rid of them.
Can we have three gift cards? You know what? That is only fair.

Speaker 1 Is it really that hard to come up with a gift card for people that just saved the vineyard? I dislocated my kneecaps on your property. I broke my face.
Hey, okay, I broke my face.

Speaker 1 I overserved your field stone. You overserved my friends.
And I demand a $300 gift card so I can spend it on signs of drunk wizards. Because honestly, this wizard is really cute and funny.

Speaker 1 I think the only thing that's going to heal my shattered pelvis is a pair of sweatpants. That says drunk on Zabat.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, Cariza, go get them some stuff from the gift shop. What do you all want? You said you want the gifts.
I want a gift card. I want to choose for myself.
I don't want stuff.

Speaker 1 You want to choose for yourself?

Speaker 1 it should feel like a shopping spree. Okay, yes, it's as good as cash.
Yes, Kretza has all the gift cards. She will get them for you.
You can meet her in the wine gift shop later. Great.

Speaker 1 First of all, I think that Davian will probably want to meet with you. He is the owner of the winery.
He's in another meeting right now, but he should be wrapping up. So

Speaker 1 we'll get set up in his room. Yeah.
And then we can talk to him when he gets back. And can you interrupt that meeting?

Speaker 1 Because it's kind of a power play that I don't feel good about meeting with somebody. Again, someone's knees were dislocated on his front door.
You know what? Okay.

Speaker 1 We're going to take a meeting. Yeah.
We're going to take a meeting. Okay.
And when he's done with his meeting, you say that we're in a meeting and we'll see him.

Speaker 1 Maybe you can visit the gift shop while he finishes up and I'll knock on the door. Does that sound good? That's actually a great idea.
Okay, Keretza, can you take them to the gift shop?

Speaker 1 A meeting in the gift shop. We're not waiting.
We're meeting in the gift shop. Okay, yes, come with me.
Come with me. So Keretza leads you into the house.

Speaker 1 As you enter, you pass this loading dock to your right.

Speaker 1 And as you go inside, you see that there is this barn-like structure on your left.

Speaker 1 Inside the winery, however, you see a huge kitchen and a doorway leading towards the winery workshop where you smelled the waft of fermenting grapes.

Speaker 1 On the other side, you see stairs leading up and down and a studded iron door with an ornate M mounted on it.

Speaker 1 At the back of the room, you see French doors opening to a large patio overlooking a garden of sunflowers.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's where the tastings happen.

Speaker 1 That is right, that's where the tasting happens. But right here, she points to your immediate left, is this little nook next to the kitchen, which has been transformed into a gift shop.

Speaker 1 Okay, I want maybe like a sexy shirt that says, I got blitzed with the whiz.

Speaker 1 And like a picture of a really drunk wizard.

Speaker 1 It's crazy that we have that exact shirt. Have you been here before? No, but I am psychic.

Speaker 1 I'm a Sagittarius. So

Speaker 1 I'm a little bit psychic.

Speaker 1 Wow, you're like Madame Ava. That's incredible.
Yeah. She comes here on vacation sometimes.
Cool. Yeah.
Cool. Can I have my shirt?

Speaker 1 Sorry, they told us to be chatty. They said that that was like part of the experience.

Speaker 1 I liked it a bit. Okay, a bit.
How would you rate me?

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Do I have to choose a smile or a frown? If you don't mind,

Speaker 1 she holds up like a little sign.

Speaker 1 I can't even, when I'm trying to play the worst person in the world, I can't even not press the smile. I press the smile.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Do you have any games for Sega Genesis?

Speaker 1 We have one of those little golf peg games, you know, that's a triangle shape. Yeah.
Okay. I know what.
Yeah, I'll take a golf peg game.

Speaker 1 Okay, could I like burn your favorite Sega Genesis character onto it? Yeah. Okay, who is your favorite character? Jens thinks for a really long time.

Speaker 1 The purple bean from Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine.

Speaker 1 Very well, it shall be so. Creats a pulled out a wood-burning lance, heats it up in a fire, and then etches this purple bean winking at you on it.
What is it great, but a purple bean, I say.

Speaker 1 Swirl a glass of wine and look out over the sunflower. Oh my goodness, you have to teach me how to do banter.
It's so good. Thank you.
Yeah, that's AI level. Aye, aye, aye.
aye.

Speaker 1 I'll also take 13 signs.

Speaker 1 A variety, or is there one in particular you're looking for? I definitely want a copy of the drunk wizard from the front, but also just like a smattering.

Speaker 1 Could I also get a bath mat made of wine corks, used ones? Oh, that's awesome. That's really comfortable for your feet.
Yes, of course.

Speaker 1 It's crazy that you know all the things we have. Every gift shop has like necklaces and jewelry that's too expensive to be here.

Speaker 1 I want one of, I want like a necklace, a gemstone necklace and earrings. Yes, we make them out of the lumps of glass.
Actually

Speaker 1 actually a Casimir, our glass blower, he makes these in his workshop.

Speaker 1 They are crystalline and beautiful, so I think they would look great on you on your bare chest there. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that sounds great. Okay.
Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Can I have the most expensive one?

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't you have a collector's one so no one else has access to? If you can look here over in this glass cabinet, we have our very exclusive items.

Speaker 1 These are normally reserved for VIP members, but yes, you did help us with the wine blight. So can you open the glass cabinet and we can try everything on? I broke my pelvis on your property.

Speaker 1 I feel you're really coming up against the budget for hospitality that I had in my mind. My cheap phone is shot.
Just like no pressure, but I would like to get to our room.

Speaker 1 Now that Nyak's picking his stuff, I'm not having as much fun.

Speaker 1 So just like... It's so cool to be hanging out, all three of us.
The clock is ticking.

Speaker 1 She goes to unlock this glass cabinet full of extremely expensive looking jewelry.

Speaker 1 But as she does, you hear a voice from the back of the room say, Caritza, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 And she kind of stiffens a little bit. She went rogue.

Speaker 1 I'll take a hat. I'll take a hat.

Speaker 1 You're going to get me in so much trouble. Oh, my God.
Just give me a fucking hat.

Speaker 1 Okay, if you shut the fuck up, I'll give you a hat. I'm not saying anything.

Speaker 1 Sorry. You're not even talking.
Sorry, Davian. I was just getting him a hat.
He just wanted to look at the jewelry, not buy it, of course. He wants to buy it later.

Speaker 1 Very good, very good.

Speaker 1 You hear this man talking and you turn to look who it is and you see this ancient were raven with a little beard of grey feathers perched on the tip of his beak and two arching grey-feathered eyebrows.

Speaker 1 He walks with a cane next to what can only be described as perhaps the most normal man in Barovia.

Speaker 1 There's just this man with kind of like blonde hair, slick back, wearing like a tailcoat and a like silk satin cravat. They walk together.

Speaker 1 You see the man kind of smiles and winks at you and Davian, this old wereraven, says, That's quite enough with the gifts. I think you have all you need.

Speaker 1 If there is more you want, I would be happy to bestow it upon you after our business is concluded. First of all, let me bid farewell to my guest here, Mr.
Holtz. It has been a pleasure.

Speaker 1 Likewise, Davian, baby, thanks so much for having me. As this man turns to leave, he kind of looks at you all, shakes your hands, and says, Dolter Von Holtz, pleased to meet you.

Speaker 1 Sorry to tie up, Davian, there. We were just discussing some business.
You seem awesome. Where are you? What kind of business are you in? Because we want in, honestly.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm in the best business in town, baby. I'm in real estate.
Oh, wow. Okay.
Hey, let me tell you. Are we doing residential, commercial, land value? What are we doing? Yeah, what are we doing here?

Speaker 1 You name it, friends. We actually just built a property.
Yeah. Is that so? We're thinking about becoming slum lords.
Yeah. I would actually love to get it assessed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe you could assess our sanctuary. Oh, you got a new little sanctuary? Where is it at?

Speaker 1 It's the new W cabin. Yeah, if you notice, like in the past day, a giant W cabin at this huge Tudor's parking lot has just emerged in the middle of this small lake.
Yeah. Oh, small lake?

Speaker 1 You talk about Luna Lake? Yeah,

Speaker 1 pretty small. More of a pond, really.
Thank you. That's what I said.
I do most of my business over at Tsarevich Lake. I don't know if you've heard of it.
Oh, yeah. Is that the big one?

Speaker 1 Is that the one that does tubing? That's the one that's got tubing. It's got a new thing I'm working on.
I've just introduced it. It's called a jetter ski.
It's like a tiny little steamboat.

Speaker 1 You can zip around on the water on it. It is extremely dangerous, but very fun.
Okay. I thought that it was going to be jet skis the size of water skis.
So you have a jet ski on each foot.

Speaker 1 You, my dear, have a mind for business. That is an incredible idea.
I would love to talk to you more about that. That's great.
Can we get your card? Of course, friends. Here.

Speaker 1 He pulls three cards out of his pocket. They say Dolter von Holch Tsarevich Lake Real Estate.
Wow, look at the stock on that.

Speaker 1 They are embossed with this kind of like golden ink. And on the back, there is a little map of Tsarevich Lake with all of his real estate holdings.
Double printed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I mean, times have been tough because there's not as many nobles anymore in Borovia. Everything's been kind of concentrated because of you-know-who.

Speaker 1 But I still try to make sure that there's plenty of luxury lakeside real estate for all who want it. And that's just something I've been talking about with Mr.
Davy and Mardikov over here.

Speaker 1 But I've taken up more than enough of your time. I'm actually, I'm going to be staying over by Fogg's End over by the Megalith if you guys want to talk more.
So just let me know. Right on.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We'll swing by there for sure. Yeah.
We'll be there. It's so nice to just meet a nice person.
It's really nice to meet you three. You know what? I heard that big kerfuffle out there.
You're neat, man.

Speaker 1 You're freaking freaking neat.

Speaker 1 Did you guys take care of those wine blights? Yeah. You did, yeah.
They are a chore. You got to tell you.
But thank you so much for handling that. Hey, you know what? You come on by.

Speaker 1 I'll give you a free jetter ski ride. Okay.

Speaker 1 Why not?

Speaker 1 I feel like we're on vacation again.

Speaker 1 All right. Hey, you guys, hey, stay golden.
Hey. Stay golden.
I'm going to start saying that. Stay diamond.
Whoa, okay.

Speaker 1 Let me get one of those hats, too. Like this guy's got on.
He points at you, Niak. This guy, that is style right there.
Let me get one of those. Take mine.
Take mine. I don't care.
You're a good guy.

Speaker 1 Don't mind if I do. Yeah, here, just take.
I give him five gold.

Speaker 1 Take some cash.

Speaker 1 Do you own my shirt? It says I got blitzed with Zawiz.

Speaker 1 I would love one, but I've already got three. Wow.
One for the lake, one for the bedroom, and one for jogging. Dude, just take our money.
Whatever you're doing with yours, do it with ours.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're in. You want to invest right now? Yeah.
Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Actually, we're going to circle back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're going to throw some stuff against the wall and see what sticks.

Speaker 1 But we'll circle up and we'll regroup later.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. I look at Nayak furiously, knowing that he ruined it.

Speaker 1 We want to approach this deal with our best ass forward. You see, Isabella smiles a little too big.
Oh my God.

Speaker 1 We don't know her. She followed us in.
I was so scared. I think she lives outside.
I'm really scared of her. She's not a partner.
Well, colorful cast of characters here. Anyway, you've got my card.

Speaker 1 I'll be over in Fogg's Inn for a bit. I've got a little piedere there that I stay in when I'm visiting the Mardikovs.
It's been a real pleasure, folks. Ta-ta for now.
Ta-ta.

Speaker 1 And hey, hey, don't get too drunk, am I right? That's right.

Speaker 1 Ta-da.

Speaker 1 He kind of like jauntily strolls off. While he's already turned around, Anik says a really desperate for attention split.

Speaker 1 So much need in her eyes. Oh my god, are you okay?

Speaker 1 It didn't work. I was too slow.
I heard at least three separate pops. That one was so slow.
Okay, so it seems like you guys are good here because that dude just seemed on top of the ball.

Speaker 1 Like, you'll just sell this and it's just somebody else's problem, huh? He had a very interesting offer for me, but I have not committed to anything yet.

Speaker 1 But please, we do not need to discuss business now. You have helped us so much already.
Dag and Steph told me how you met with my son Erwin. And now you have cleared away these wine blights.

Speaker 1 I think that we are going to be fast friends. Can I offer you something? Perhaps you would like to have a tasting flight on the veranda overlooking Alana's garden.

Speaker 1 Or maybe you want to try our grape-stomping vats. We've also got an award-winning glass blowing facility.
And my son Adrian would love to give you a history lesson in the cellar. Just the first one.

Speaker 1 Just the first one, of course.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're good. We don't want to meet Adrian at all.

Speaker 1 I would do some glass blowing.

Speaker 1 I would blow glass blow.

Speaker 1 We don't want to do that one. Let's just

Speaker 1 do Jensen. I want to do glass blowing.
You do.

Speaker 1 You can do decorations. You guys don't.

Speaker 1 Because we've tried glass blowing before, and you guys don't have the patience for it, do you?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're just not going to be good at it instantly. Maybe it'll be faster.

Speaker 1 It's not going to be faster this time, okay? The glass gets really hot. You guys said it was hot in there.
When we took the class,

Speaker 1 remember we got the group on.

Speaker 1 We got the group on.

Speaker 1 It's not colder this time. We got the the group on, and we did the glass blowing.
And everybody said it's too cold this time.

Speaker 1 We said we're never going to do glass blowing again. It took too long.

Speaker 1 We had the group on, but the group on costs money, right? Yeah, but the problem was we used the group on, and this time we're using a relationship to get in. Okay, but the group once expired.

Speaker 1 We had to run. Yeah, we could have done the night canoeing, okay? And it would have been a cool night instead.
It was hot in the glass blowing, right?

Speaker 1 Okay. And it's too wet.
Alright, I'm going to let you ask me one more time if we want to do glass blowing. Do we want to do glass blowing?

Speaker 1 If they promise they can do it cold and fast, okay.

Speaker 1 Can we do glass blowing but make it cold and fast?

Speaker 1 We could perhaps get some of the wheel ravens to fan you off with their feathers while you do it. Is that good? That sounds good to me.
That sounds cold. All right,

Speaker 1 hey, you know what? I'll let you guys learn your own lessons. Let's do the glass blowing again.
Harsh but fair, you clearly are a leader of men, I understand. Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's tough out there, it's tough out there. We had a group on, you know? know

Speaker 1 oh yes we we tried group on here it did not work it would just attracted too many people that were just getting really drunk right up top and then they were just like spilling hot molten glass on themselves sure yeah it happened molten sounds pretty hot yeah but this time it'll be cold yeah i'm glad this time it's gonna be cold

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Speaker 1 Goodbye, sweeties.

Speaker 1 So, yes, um, we will have matters to discuss later. Our spies are expected to return this afternoon with details about the ritual and the tree.

Speaker 1 But until then, please enjoy all the winery has to offer. Would you like to start with the tasting flight and then we'll move to the glass blowing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's do the dangerous glass blowing after we get driving. Great, that's so smart, guys.

Speaker 1 I have one more. Again, we should have learned our lesson with the the Groupon, but we haven't.
And you know what? I feel like that's what makes this vineyard magical.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So, Davian leads you through these wide French doors and onto a flagstone veranda covered in long wooden tables.

Speaker 1 Beyond the table, you see a large field of sunflowers, which poke defiantly through the mist.

Speaker 1 Davian gestures to the sunflowers as you find your seats.

Speaker 1 Pretty, aren't they? They were planted by a woman named Alana who stayed with us for a time. Yeah, she was an alchemist, right? Uh of sorts, yes, a scholar, I would say.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, did she leave okay, when she stayed here, did she leave anything behind? We think she might have some herbs and spices. We're sort of in the uh restaurant business, yeah.

Speaker 1 What was her, like, old room? Um, oh, she stayed um upstairs in one of the sleeping quarters. I saw her, she spent most of her time in the garden, actually.

Speaker 1 Uh, she was working on something and uh the sunflower sprung up rather quickly, so I was not able to. Did she have a plant shed? Did she have a potting shed anywhere? A potting shed, yes.

Speaker 1 You know, she had a potting shed, but the strange thing is, uh, the flowers grew out from the potting shed.

Speaker 1 She kind of had it in the center, and then the flowers kind of grew around it, and it came to kind of a maze to even get in there after a time.

Speaker 1 So the potting shed is probably still in there, but good luck finding it. Okay, let's go.
Okay, do you want the wine flight first, or you want to go check out? Yeah, we'll take it to go.

Speaker 1 We'll take it to go. To go, it's more of like a seating.
It's called a flight. Yeah, it's called a flight.
We'll just go.

Speaker 1 That's a crow punch.

Speaker 1 It's a crow pun. We serve it with like little feathers next to each of them.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, don't call it a flight and say you have to have it here. Okay, we have a little paddle here.
Because if JetBlue did that, they would go out of business. We'll take it to fly, please.

Speaker 1 Okay, yes, they're going to take it to go.

Speaker 1 He claps his feathery hands, and you see a bunch of were ravens wander out, delicately holding these wine paddles with three wine glasses on them.

Speaker 1 And they say, it would really be best if you sat down with these, but no, you want to take them to go? They hastily take the paddle and hop over the fence and start walking into the sunflowers.

Speaker 1 I'll take the glass blowing to go as well.

Speaker 1 I'll come with you so I can describe each of the wines. Okay.
Okay, first,

Speaker 1 just as you are walking into these sunflowers holding these paddles full of wine, he says, we're going to start with our most common vintage ow. A sunflower hits him in the face.

Speaker 1 Purple grape mash three. Ow, ow.
This one is full-bodied with earthy notes of soil, grape, and wood. Where is it?

Speaker 1 It's just all from here. Yes, it's all from here.

Speaker 1 We grow all of the grapes here thanks to the blessing of the original wizard, Akazan. Long ago, Kazan

Speaker 1 blessed this land with the help of the Druids, and that is why the land remains so lush and fertile to this day. Huh.
Did any of the druids... Okay, so somebody's messing with your tree up here.

Speaker 1 That's why you got all these wine blades and everything

Speaker 1 and whatnot. Do you know if any of the original druids are who became these boy moms that are terrorizing this area? Yeah, I think that's what happened, right?

Speaker 1 The witches, yes, you've heard about this. They have been plaguing our land for a long time.
Are they the original druids? No, the druids split off from Kazan. There was a...

Speaker 1 There was an uprising, and the druid Golthias rose against Kazan and killed him. Okay.
And is Golthias a tree now? Yes, you see, it is a sad day. They were ravens.

Speaker 1 We helped to work this land in exchange for a use of the soil. And we helped fight off this uprising of druids.

Speaker 1 But many were killed. Eventually, Golthias was caught and executed, and his bones were placed on top of Yester Hill.
Oh, you gotta be careful with the bones. Yes, that's what we thought.

Speaker 1 We put it far away from the winery, but in doing that,

Speaker 1 the hill has become cursed, and the tree has grown there.

Speaker 1 And we thought the threat was done for a while, but then these witches, they rallied the druids once more and they've been praying to this tree and making it grow bigger and bigger so much so that it is blighting the land all around.

Speaker 1 What did the druid and the wizard fight about? I'm sorry, I have like three cicadas in my shirt now because we're standing in these sunflowers. One second, get out, get out, get out.

Speaker 1 Sorry, say that again. What did the druid and the wizard fight about? The druid and the wizard? Um, well, the druid was aligned with Strahd.

Speaker 1 He was working for Strahd and wanted to overthrow the wizard so that he could control the vineyard on Strahd's behalf. Got you.

Speaker 1 Are there plants around here that help you to limit the growth of this tree or to protect your plants? It is the soil itself.

Speaker 1 It was blessed long ago by Kazan, but this blight, it weakens the blessing every day. Only these sunflowers seem to remain unperturbed.
Okay, so Annex is going to...

Speaker 1 She has an arch spell called Plant Growth, which I I thought I would never use, but here we are. So I'm going to cast Overgrowth

Speaker 1 on the sunflowers.

Speaker 1 You cast this spell, tapping into your patron deity.

Speaker 1 Ariana, I'm thinking of becoming a plant bitch.

Speaker 1 I saw that online. They look so happy.
Plant bitches. They've connected with something old, something ancient.

Speaker 1 The plants, they're all connected to each other, Much as we strive to connect everyone else as phones.

Speaker 1 I've always thought that like plants and phones have so much in common. They really are the phones of nature.
Yeah, what are phones but like tech mushrooms?

Speaker 1 Let's dial this in. Let's get you rooted.
You're establishing a landline, babe. I love it.

Speaker 1 You cast this plant growth spell and you see these sunflowers like erupt higher and higher. You feel this sort of connection to this land.
You see

Speaker 1 this ghastly form of Ariana like walking through the soil. And above, you see a giant crow circling as well.
And the sunflowers

Speaker 1 rise higher and higher. And as they do, there's this sort of like rippling of the soil.
And they kind of erupt and bloom further and further out.

Speaker 1 And you kind of get this whiff of fresh flowers and fresh grapes as the entire land around the vineyard is kind of refreshed and as this dust around you clears you see that a path is laid out for you into the center of this grove.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Okay, let's do it.
I drank all my wine. Okay, Onyx, this is what happens when you drink.

Speaker 1 I do feel so creative. Okay, but would you like to actually, you haven't actually sampled the first wine yet.
Would you like to? Well, yes, I'm a bit of a psalm myself.

Speaker 1 I sniff it, I swirl it around, I take a sip,

Speaker 1 sucking it in between my teeth, and then I smack my lips. And Jens goes, Red.
It's a red one.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Very good.
I'm getting, I'm, Nyak sniffs. I'm getting wine.
I'm getting, I'm getting alcoholic, like a whiny alcoholic. I'm getting that too.

Speaker 1 Now that you say that, I smell that. I'm getting the color red.
Okay. I'm getting old grape.
Yeah, I see that. I see that.

Speaker 1 I'm getting hints of glass bottle. Uh-huh.
Yeah. I chip my tooth on the wine.
Okay, so

Speaker 1 I'm getting a hint of enamel. Oh, I'm getting some blood in my mouth because I bit the cup.
Oh, you are savants, all of you.

Speaker 1 Everybody give me a constitution saving throw here. Okay.

Speaker 1 18. 18.
17. 17.
Nayak, what'd you get? I got a five.

Speaker 1 Nayak,

Speaker 1 maybe it's just you. Maybe it is all the blood in your mouth.
But you do sense that something is off off with this wine.

Speaker 1 And you spit it out. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Would you like a spitting cup? I apologize. Here, I have a bucket for you.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I liked it. I liked it a lot.
That was. Nyak motions to Jens and Onyx.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Funky.

Speaker 1 Like, cut it. Yeah, make the cut on his

Speaker 1 neck.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know about this wine.
Perhaps you'll like the next one better. He's a Red Dragon Crush.
It's an exclusive vintage, spicier, smoky aftertaste.

Speaker 1 He presents the second wine to you as you walk. Okay, and now that Naya has said this, I'll take a teeny sip of the Red Dragon Crush, knowing that I've had it before.

Speaker 1 Oh, you've had it before. Yeah, I had it before because his son gave it to us, right?

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm going to take a teeny sip, and I would like to see if I can tell if it's the same or if he has done something to fuck with it.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's going to be a that's going to be another con save. Can I give a help action to jens

Speaker 1 just to investigate that are you doing an investigation or are you doing your con save i would like to do like a perception check oh sure okay cool that's a 19 19

Speaker 1 with a 19 you taste it and it tastes more like ash than wine and you realize davian is not trying to poison you the wine has been poisoned it is going bad it's this blight hey buddy yes this is this wine's no good it's corked yeah it's absolutely corked it tastes like and i know what that means it tastes like ash and it tastes like ass it tastes like ass looks so good you see

Speaker 1 friend of my ass

Speaker 1 as realta does the splits yeah this wine is a friend of my ass damn it uh you see that davian has been trying to hold it together this whole time and he just kind of crumples looking crestfallen.

Speaker 1 He slashes the wine paddles out of your hands and says, damn it! I knew knew it! That tree, it's tainted all the wine. It's all rotten.

Speaker 1 Only the grapes we have stored, those are the only ones that are left that are good.

Speaker 1 If we cannot stop this tree, keep it from growing, then the winery is finished. Well, you'll always have the glass blowing.
Yeah, that is true. What a what a beautiful silver lining.

Speaker 1 But the glass blowing is hot, isn't it?

Speaker 1 It's hot in there. It's still going to get hot, okay? Guys,

Speaker 1 I think it's going to be

Speaker 1 fast.

Speaker 1 I lied

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 the blacksmith in class was hot too. Remember to be fast? All this stuff, it gets hot.
It gets hot in there.

Speaker 1 The feathers, we can do what we can to try and fan you off, but it's still gonna just fan the flames and make it hotter. That's how it works.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Look, I'll wait till we dry it, and I'll wander away if I'm not interested.

Speaker 1 Thank you. You know, I'm sorry I lost my temper.

Speaker 1 This has been a stressful time for the winery. Maybe it is best that we take Daughter's offer.
I think that the winery might be finished.

Speaker 1 So I'm pretty familiar with this type of thing. You buy a business in crisis, you do a reorg, you get a new valuation.

Speaker 1 Is that the offer? Yes, he wants to turn it into some sort of

Speaker 1 inn and spa, I think. You know, moving away from the winery direction to something slightly different.

Speaker 1 Just an extension of what he's been doing with his Zarvich Lake properties. He promised us that he would offer us a house in that area that my family could move to.

Speaker 1 I don't want to sell, it's just I have children and grandchildren and I worry about them, especially with this blight approaching. Wait, can I pull aside

Speaker 1 Nyak and Onyx? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Okay, hey, guys.
Yeah. I know we thought that guy that was like buying up a bunch of real estate was awesome,

Speaker 1 but like this place sucks, so he's kind of an idiot, right? Yeah, I would say that's a good idea.

Speaker 1 Like if anything to where Ravens are ripping him off, he's making making a bad investment he's making an absolutely terrible investment we have to save him do we have to save him or do we have to save these were ravens it's such a flawed concept to have an in in spa when he says there is no aristocracy yeah yeah who is gonna be his clients and also this is just it's it screams of wellness when really we should all just be drunk right yeah i think he can't carry that loss but we can because we don't even actually live here so why don't we why don't we do the deal instead of him?

Speaker 1 And we take all the risk, and he'll love us for that. Yeah, I don't even, I don't even want his respect though, because he's trying to buy a place with assy wine.

Speaker 1 I do think that he's like off presentation, like his presentation was fascinating. It's so good, it's so good.
His voice

Speaker 1 is such a good read on him.

Speaker 1 The way he spoke, all the words he used, trust him. Yes, but I think that this was a bad business.

Speaker 1 His business moves are off. Are they off? Are they off? I think so.
Or is he himself trying to devalue? Is he involved with the tree? Oh, is he intentionally?

Speaker 1 Is he intentionally trying to create a bad business that will fall? He's either dumber than we think or smarter than

Speaker 1 both are dangerous. Either way, I don't like

Speaker 1 it. I like him to just be the right about around the world.
We have to meet him and find out if he's stupid or too smart. Maybe we should just kill him.

Speaker 1 He's driving the value down, buying low, then selling high, then he gets rid of the tree. He could be a tree in disguise.
He might be a tree. He could be a tree.

Speaker 1 I think Keychain's got the right of it. Okay.
Okay, listen. Look, we talked, and we think that you are getting a bum deal because the person who offered it to you is a tree.

Speaker 1 They're in Karut.

Speaker 1 We think the tree and that awesome guy are in Karuts. Okay.

Speaker 1 It cannot be.

Speaker 1 Adrian warned me that this might be the case, but you think it to be true as well. Adrian teaches the glass blowing.
Adrian is in the cellar. He is the historian.

Speaker 1 No, Adrian, we are not going to talk to you.

Speaker 1 Okay, down there it'll be cold in the cellar. That's interesting.
You guys like

Speaker 1 that? But it won't be fast.

Speaker 1 It won't be fast, that's true. It's true.
It will take longer to blow the glass because we will have to heat up the cellar and that will mess with the wine temperature.

Speaker 1 The corks will start to expand, you know. Well, then what can be done?

Speaker 1 If we do not take this deal, I fear that the land will be sapped and then we will have to move regardless. Okay, actually, I'm going to take Nayak and Jens to the side again.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, hi, one minute. Okay.
Yeah. So actually, I just proved that I'm like an incredible gardener.
Should we just buy this place and I can

Speaker 1 pop a spell every once in a while?

Speaker 1 We can be the tree. We're not super liquid.
The money tree, okay, yes.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, I'm sorry. Sorry, this was a private conversation.

Speaker 1 I just, my beak was.

Speaker 1 This is just the friends of your ass.

Speaker 1 ABCDE conversation. F yourself over here.

Speaker 1 That's so good. Can I I get Vanilla t-shirts? Yes, absolutely.
Okay, but look, it doesn't cost me anything to cast a spell every once in a while. I just come back here.
I cast a quick spell.

Speaker 1 We have wine. Yeah.
Okay. Look, we know that these boy moms are in karuts with Strahd.
We know that this guy is a tree and he's working with this badge. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 We say to this person, we want to be silent partners if we kill the tree. Yeah, what are we even thinking, right? Because we are going to open a spud fuckers connected to our tutors.

Speaker 1 And if there's a wellness place here, people aren't gonna want to load up on big potatoes. Right.
Verse, if they're drunk on wine,

Speaker 1 definitely want big potatoes.

Speaker 1 It's about the community. It's the synergy.
It's like when there's a pizza hut in a wing street right next to you,

Speaker 1 that's exactly what it's like, keychain. Keychain, I just feel like you just get smarter and smarter the more ozone you eat.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't know if we've said this today, but you're on. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Is he just like just devouring sunflower after sunflower? Okay, here, have a cicada. I really think that we should say we will get rid of your tree for part ownership.
Well, part ownership.

Speaker 1 Yeah, minority ownership or a controlling entrance. Yes,

Speaker 1 we just want to be on the board.

Speaker 1 On the board, yeah. Let's do three board seats

Speaker 1 and a minority seat. So we have a majority.
Okay, right.

Speaker 1 We actually have a proposition. Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Okay. So we can take care of your tree problem.
Both of them, I I wink.

Speaker 1 I see.

Speaker 1 We just see we're opening a restaurant. It's in the middle of the lake across the short highway over the pond.

Speaker 1 And we think it's right by that beautiful parking lot. Right by the beautiful parking lot.

Speaker 1 It's sort of better synergistically for us to have a winery here than it is to have a wellness spa because those people are not going to eat baked potatoes, let's face it.

Speaker 1 They're going to get drunk and they're going to want the door dash something for the baked potato restaurant. The deal is, you guys do not serve food.
You never serve food potatoes.

Speaker 1 You never serve food, okay? Oh, no, no, no. They do it catered by us.
Pak potatoes. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yes, this could really work. Okay, yeah.
Pick potatoes if you want. Yeah, yeah, that does actually sound good.
And we just want a couple board seats.

Speaker 1 Just a couple of board seats, so make sure that you never start serving food that isn't ours. Yeah, we can just kill it in the room.
This is amazing. You see,

Speaker 1 we have lost many were ravens recently because we mounted an attack against the druids and the witches, but Babala Saga and her creeping hut, they came upon the wereravens and swatted them from the sky and decimated our number, so we we don't even have a cooking staff anymore.

Speaker 1 Does the hut have chicken feet?

Speaker 1 It has uh chicken feet made of wood, yes. Okay, it's kind of like a living tree.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 I think we're gonna need all of the board seats.

Speaker 1 Okay, just I have a big family, so they occupy a lot of the board seats, but I can promise you your least favorite one. Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, just for our resume, I just need to have a really impressive title that implies that I know everything about wine and I know how to taste when a wine is corked and I would never not know if a wine was corked or not and just drink it anyway.

Speaker 1 If a wine was corked, we would be mad. Yeah,

Speaker 1 they'd give it to us. We'd be like, I know this is corked.
That is the first thing they teach you. Is whether there's a cork in the bottle or not.
Okay, great. Okay.

Speaker 1 If it pours out, then there's no cork. So there you go.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 So where do you know where any of these witches dwell? Because if we could just murder them at their houses, it might be a lot easier. I hate it.

Speaker 1 So again, very soon, the spies will return. There will be a bell that will sound, and we will have a meeting on the balcony on top of the house.
Well, that sounds nice.

Speaker 1 Yes, but usually it is reserved for VIPs, you know, big jewelry guys.

Speaker 1 We're on the seats.

Speaker 1 You are on the board now. Promised board seats.
I will kick out. You know, Alinka, Mirabel, Sorvia, they're very nice, but it is time that they left the nest.
Yeah, they're not here anymore.

Speaker 1 Let's face it. And Erwin, you know,

Speaker 1 my night mother, bless him.

Speaker 1 I think it is time for him to, you know, branch out as well yeah but also can any of them do what i just did with plant gross no you truly you have some of the workings of kazan in you i i feel like i sense the night mother in you as well did you say the name ariana yeah arianna is a sheo she's sort of like my mentor in being a like a sheo she is the mother of the were ravens as well did you know this

Speaker 1 It hasn't come up, but we both just talk about ourselves mostly.

Speaker 1 Business gets in the way, it is true. Yeah.
No, you see, uh, the great crow Corvak, she and the night mother uh lay together and the were ravens were the offspring of that union. That's really hot.

Speaker 1 She fucked a bird? She fucked a bird, it's true. And we, as a result, were born.
And we have cared for this land ever since. Satsuko, I think I actually realized what I want my title to be: Shi-Eo.

Speaker 1 Shi-E-O? Can I be Shi-Eo? Oh, of the company? Of the company.

Speaker 1 Because you said we could all get Taitos. Well, I'm currently CE Crow, so we could have a CE Crow and a Shi Eo.
I think that would be good. You know what? Yes, let's shake on it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So you shake on it. Emily actually shook my hand.

Speaker 1 You shake on it amidst this grove of growing sunflowers, still kind of blossoming out. And as you do, the final veil of sunflowers unfurls from the center and you finally see this shed.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Let's go check it out. Yeah, this is honey.
Honey, I shrunk the kids style.

Speaker 1 Look at this forest.

Speaker 1 How they got they shrunk and then they were in the grass, and then all the grass looked big. Yeah, they have you guys never been to Disney's Hollywood studios in the 90s.
I shove Nyack.

Speaker 1 I know they rode an ant in the film. There you go.
You know,

Speaker 1 you know, Nyack remembers. I remember.
I'm just trashed.

Speaker 1 Jen runs ahead.

Speaker 1 Morenos, he's awesome, man. There you go.
Space balls.

Speaker 1 What's that?

Speaker 1 So, yes, you walk into the center of this sunflower grove. At the back of this grove, you do see this shed.
And mounted on the shed is a silver sunflower pendant.

Speaker 1 It actually looks very similar to the dawnflower pendant you now have, Nayak.

Speaker 1 And at the center of this garden, you see a bunch of sphere-like purple flowers. The flowers are kind of like swaying gently in the breeze.

Speaker 1 They're small and unassuming, but you do notice that the purple on them is the exact same color purple as on the pendant you hold in your hand now, NIAC. Oh, let's go over and give them a sniff.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Can I push? I'm going to take the pendant and press against the flower. You do that.
I'll say that you all bend down and you press the spinning against the flower.

Speaker 1 A couple of the flower petals fall off. I release the...

Speaker 1 The pendant kind of rattles in response to these flowers.

Speaker 1 And as you all bend down to inspect them and watch this, you get a strong whiff of garlic.

Speaker 1 Oh, duh! Purple flowers! This is garlic! Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Is it ripe for plucking? Yeah, can we overgrow the shape?

Speaker 1 I want to grab one out and see if the garlic bulb is ready. You pull One out and a string of four silver garlic bulbs emerge from the soil.
Silver. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm also gonna harvest some sunflowers too.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. Yeah, awesome.

Speaker 1 We should definitely okay, we should take this little garlic patch that we have and if you can do the overgrowth again or if you can't do it now, you can do it again tomorrow.

Speaker 1 And we should expand this garlic. Yes,

Speaker 1 yeah, okay, that's good. Let's also seize this this pendant, this sunflower pendant.
Oh, the one hanging out in the shed. So you inspect this door and realize it has no doorknob or keyhole.

Speaker 1 However, as soon as you get close, the dawnflower pendant in your hand starts to vibrate.

Speaker 1 You sense that this pendant bears the blessing of the Olmist Order, and that by wielding it, you are permitted to pass this threshold.

Speaker 1 You place it to the corresponding silver flower, and the purple gem starts to glow.

Speaker 1 Within the door, you hear a grinding of internal gears, followed by a loud

Speaker 1 as the door unlocks and swings open. Yeah, I'll poke my head in.
Great. Yeah, let's step inside.

Speaker 1 So you look inside this shed, and inside you find various gardening implements, as well as dust-covered vials, pipettes, and beakers Alana must have used for her various experiments.

Speaker 1 But most striking is the jars of garlic that line the shed's far wall.

Speaker 1 The bulbs all have a dull metallic sheen to them and are labeled puralium ore, parentheses, unrefined.

Speaker 1 Unrefined garlic. All right, let's um, these are the herbs and spices.

Speaker 1 Let's start jamming these jars in our bags, I guess. Let's take out my

Speaker 1 Trader Joe's bag that had bones in it previously.

Speaker 1 You bust out your bone tote and you start just shoveling jars into into it. As you do, you see that they all have notes about their harvest date and their potency on them.

Speaker 1 All of them seem to be within a range of five years. You hear the jars kind of click and clack as you put them into your bag.

Speaker 1 And once you're done, you look down beneath these shelves and you see a small desk upon which rests a silver tube bearing the same sunflower sigil of the Olmist Order that was on the door.

Speaker 1 We inspect the damn tube. All right, we pop this tube.
Grab this tube, and you are about to pop it open when suddenly you hear a loud, ringing bell,

Speaker 1 followed by the piercing caw of several ravens. Davian pokes his beak in the room and says, The spies! They've returned! Quickly, follow me! Follow me!

Speaker 1 I saw he said the spice, the spice. No, the spies! The spice? I hold up the tube.
No, what happened? What is that? That save it through later. Spice!

Speaker 1 Put it in the toast! We got a toast! Okay, put it in the a toast. Okay.
Come on.

Speaker 1 The spies.

Speaker 1 You all rush upstairs, past the sleeping quarters, and onto a narrow staircase leading to a rooftop balcony. Atop the balcony, you see several were ravens have all gathered to welcome back the spies.

Speaker 1 You look to the sky and see just a single raven flapping unevenly towards the roof. Oh no.
It nearly drops a few times before successfully plummeting into a soft net held by the other ravens.

Speaker 1 As it falls, the bird transforms back into its hybrid form, revealing a huge gray-feathered were-raven.

Speaker 1 Blood pours from wounds in his side and wing. As he struggles, Davian rushes forward to help him up.
Elvir, brother, are you okay? Where are the others?

Speaker 1 Killed by Lasaga's cavern. And don't worry, Davy.
My wounds are worth the knowledge we've gained.

Speaker 1 The old raven spits blood, then grins. The witches are on the move.
They've left the tree and are headed for the megalith at Fog's End.

Speaker 1 Oh, the megalith? I was like,

Speaker 1 to them, the megalith is actually something that I promised to restore for Ariana. Okay, so that's on our to-do list, not to burn you out.

Speaker 1 What purpose do they have at the

Speaker 1 Okay, so we have to go disrupt their ritual

Speaker 1 so that we can restore the Megalith to be for Ariana. And if that guy's rich, we can kill him and take all his stuff.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.

Speaker 1 The wereravens all chitter excitedly. Davian kisses his brother on the beak, then walks over to a barrel with a map laid out on it.
He stabs a knife into the map.

Speaker 1 This is the chance we've been waiting for. That knife is available in the gift shop, by the way.

Speaker 1 Why should I get it for free? I look bashfully at my 13 signs.

Speaker 1 The wereravens all caw proudly.

Speaker 1 This is our moment. Caw, kaka.

Speaker 1 We shall take our winery back. We shall make a last stand.

Speaker 1 He turns to all of you as the wereravens caw happily, his eyes wild with excitement, and he says, How do you feel about going on a little witch hunt?

Speaker 1 After a short rest, yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's where we'll end our session.

Speaker 1 Woo!

Speaker 1 Oh man, we got our board seats, and that's what's important.

Speaker 1 All that matters is our voting power. Just like having a partnership where they're selling our baked potatoes to drunk people.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 that's our flywheel. Wow.
Classic Trinivale to go on a winery vacation, but end up just buying the winery. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was amazing, y'all. I'm so excited for you guys to face off against these witches.
We'll talk more about it. There was so much stuff.
There's so much stuff left to do with the winery as well.

Speaker 1 So maybe we'll get into that on the short rest, which you can listen to at patreon.com slash nadpod. That's NADD POD.
We don't seen you yet.

Speaker 1 Close those beaks, you freaks. It's time for plugs, actually.
So go ahead. Let's have some.
Sure. Follow me on Substack.
Substack.com slash at JKurwitz.

Speaker 1 And I will go ahead and plug the NADPOD fan calendar again. I've been watching them unveil some of the art for it, and it looks really, really cool.
Awesome.

Speaker 1 You can go to linktree slash NAD calendar to find out more information, or you can head right to their Etsy. All of the proceeds are going to go to the UNICEF Gaza appeal, so please support that.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. I'm really excited to pick one up and use it to plot my future because I'm very bad at that.

Speaker 1 And you can follow us on social media that are in at use at CSRSME, at Caldescaldwall, at ASWRS Emily, and at your coverage is Jake. And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NATPO.

Speaker 1 That's NADDPOD.

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Speaker 1 If you would like to join this illustrious council, you can do so by going to patreon.com/slash nadpod. That's going to be it for us today, but we will catch you here next week with another episode.

Speaker 1 Thanks for listening and goodbye.

Speaker 1 That was a headgum podcast.

Speaker 1 What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

Speaker 3 And Hannah Simone.

Speaker 1 And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl Rewatch podcast now on Head Gum. Now, here's the thing.
Every single week we chat about an episode of New Girl and we really get into it.

Speaker 1 Like we get up in there. We get up in there.
You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea.
We react to re-watching episodes that we haven't seen in years.

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I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

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