Jonny Pelham

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, crushing the biscuits of conversation, adding the butter of friendship, putting it all in a nice circle, and topping with the cream cheese and sugar of humor.

Like a sort of no-baked cheesecake.

So you just think about it and then you carry on with the podcast, and I know I've done a bad job then.

The thing is, we're recording this intro straight after doing another one.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

Together, we own a dream restaurant.

I love cheesecake.

And every single week, we're inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever starter, main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Johnny Pelham.

Johnny Pelham, an absolutely brilliant stand-up, James.

One of the funniest stand-ups working today.

I absolutely love Pelham.

Hilarious.

If people haven't seen Johnny Pelham, get to one of his gigs, ASAP.

A true natural.

Such a natural, so funny.

Like one of those comics who is just like very effortless on stage, but still uniquely himself.

Yes.

More people need to be watching Johnny Pelham and laughing their goddamn heads off.

Absolutely.

But he may be natural.

He may be effortless.

Yes.

He may be funny.

Yes.

But if he says an ingredient that we have pre-agreed upon, he will be kicked out of the dream restaurant.

Sorry, Johnny.

Sorry, Johnny.

And this week, the secret ingredient is Johnny Cakes.

Johnny Cakes.

Johnny Cakes.

His name's Johnny.

Johnny Cakes have been mentioned on the podcast before, a sort of

flatbread, battery bread with cornmeal used a lot in Caribbean cooking.

Yeah.

They sound delicious.

They do sound delicious, but his name's Johnny.

Their name's Johnny.

Johnny Cakes.

We have to make the link somehow.

Yes.

So if he does say Johnny Cakes, we will...

You suggested Pell Ham until we realised that Pell Ham isn't a thing.

Yeah, I said it should be pell ham and uh bonito just is like

yeah oh shut up

just doesn't answer us now if she thinks it's a stupid idea yeah earlier today uh we were talking about making sake the secret ingredient and benito said i like sake and i went i like sake too and he looked at me i went i'm being sake sarcastic he went oh i thought you were being annoying yes is what he said to me so that's where our relations working relationship is now

is he just says to me Oh, I thought you were being annoying, and then we carry on with the day.

So, Pelham, I guess I was being a bit of both when I said that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was quite soon after the sake joke, and I died of death.

So, I threw Pelham out there.

Yeah, didn't even look at you, didn't even look at me, just got on with it.

Pressed the record button,

right?

We should just get on with this, though, because I can't wait to speak to Johnny about his dream menu.

This is the off-menu menu of Johnny Pelham.

Welcome, Johnny, to the Dream Restaurant.

Woohoo, it's very familiar.

Welcome, Johnny Pelham, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

That was very dramatic, James.

Yeah, I like it.

I loved it.

How do you, do you prepare?

Do you like do some, are you like Daniel DeLewis getting into the genie?

Yeah.

Or in my head, when we started,

I am like, okay, here we go.

And now that we've done so many episodes, I am like, sometimes people anticipate it.

So Ed will say, Welcome, and they just go and they nod because they know who's going to be in that scene.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then that's when, so I'm often waiting for that.

I'm going, like, right, are they going to respond or not?

And if they do, I've got to get in fast.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, being a genie is a lot of work.

It's not an easy.

Well, no one appreciates it.

It's a lot of work when you're at the lamp.

I think there's a lot of downtime when you're in the lamp.

Wrong.

Wrong.

That's true.

Wrong.

Loads of stuff.

Here we go.

Here comes King of Improv.

What?

God, the pressure now.

That's not what improv groups do.

No, no, no.

That was gone, mate.

Yeah.

That was one of them starts.

Here he is, King of Improv.

Go on, mate.

Show my funny.

Also in improv groups, someone says there's a lot of downtime when you're a GD.

The person playing the GD doesn't go, incorrect.

That was my point.

There were any flaws in what happened.

I wasn't just saying, I wasn't just waiting for you to say something and go, here he comes, King of Improv.

That would be harsh.

But that's what you were doing.

No, it's making a point that you know-butted me.

Yeah,

I did no-butt him, I guess.

But I thought it would be open more doors to say I do stuff in the lamp.

Totally correct,

I don't do anything in the lamp.

Your instincts were correct.

And that is why you're the king of improv.

Now, please, tell us what the genie does in the lamp.

Just kick around.

Not much stuff on when I'm in the lamp.

A lot of downtime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is, it's quite boring life, I guess.

Yeah, it's very boring.

And you're like an animal that hibernates.

I mean, you just hibernate.

But you're awake for it.

Imagine that.

You're hibernating, but you're fully awake.

It's very bleak, actually.

You're in solitude confinement.

Yeah, that's awful.

That's my new nightmare is being a tortoise who can't sleep.

I don't think that's quite what was saying.

Yeah, hibernating, but not being asleep.

Yeah, if any tortoise can't sleep, that could be a film.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Quite a bleak Disney just about, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, I'd watch it, I think.

Oh man, I saw a great documentary on Disney Plus the other day called Billy and Molly about this old guy in Scott in the Shetlands who befriends an otter.

I got so excited.

My girlfriend was watching it.

I just went down for lunch, caught a bit of it, instantly hooked, instantly invested, had to watch the whole thing.

I was crying.

What's happened to him?

He doesn't quite get into detail, but he's had a rough time of it.

He's moved back to the Shetlands.

He's not doing great.

He's been.

No, Billy, the man.

And is it a cartoon or like?

It's a real man.

It's a real man.

It's a real documentary.

It's a documentary about a real life man.

Yeah.

Because he said Disney, I think, Johnny, wasn't yes on disney plus

and uh i think was it geographic made it national national geographic and uh why you're asking me him and his wife and their dog moved back to the shetlands and then uh this otter just finds him at the perfect time perfect time in his life they think the mum maybe got hit by a car so it's this orphan little otter now just just turns up on their doorstep

how were they filming it how when did they think we're gonna need to film this relationship yeah that's what i was thinking i was thinking at what point did you start making a hit by a car?

What?

I'd say if you're an otter, you can't be hit by a car.

What would you say?

Well, I think you need to be taller than a car to be hit by it.

Run over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you don't know.

You could have.

Couldn't have been looking at that moment and it's had a run up and like jumped and was trying to dive across the road, like free willy.

He got absolutely fucking slammed.

Then it's hit by a car.

Yeah, then it's hit by a car.

That was the thing that gave the man depression.

He just thought it was brutal otter murder.

Yeah.

But yeah, he looks after this this little molly.

I think I don't want to who on your parade, which is a sentence I don't think I've ever said before.

I think it is a sentence, really.

Yeah, I don't think it is.

But I think it has

why are they filming it?

Like,

I think it's a lie.

The whole thing's a lie.

This is why I've become a conspiracy theorist, I think, in this exact moment.

I just think, why were they filming it to begin with?

Yeah.

Unless they knew the otter was going to...

The otter is an industry plant.

Yeah, that's literally what I'm saying.

To be honest, the moment in which I got invested, it was already like halfway through.

Oh, right.

So we know.

So I don't see the setup.

So maybe the setup was more storytelling.

Oh, I don't think the setup is an old man's walking around and he finds an otter.

I can't.

I haven't seen it, so I can't swear to it.

I'd love to meet a heart-warming otter.

What would solve this situation?

It's a lovely otter, and then the otter just walks in the door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello, my mum was hit by a car.

She had a runner.

Free willing.

Just seem free willing.

I can't, yeah, I can't attest to that I don't know what the beginning is.

I assume it's them.

It has to be them saying, here's what happened.

And now we've started filming it.

Yeah, because we heard about this man and his otter, I guess.

It has to be.

That would make sense, I guess.

Yeah, joining it.

I see.

There's still a lot of story to tell.

So, like, you know, all the stuff that I saw, I was like, wow, they got a full camera crew.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not like when Louis Thoreau was filming with the Hamiltons and then they got embroiled in that sort of weird thing.

You don't know anything about them.

So lucky.

He would have been delighted.

I'm sure there were

a lot of days of filming.

We can't use this, Louis.

You're grinning from ear to ear.

You had a very boring documentary on your hands with just two slightly eccentric people.

Yeah.

It's in the early days.

Yeah, that is Louis Fu's job, isn't it?

Is as things get worse to pretend not to be just delighted by everything that's happening around him.

Yeah, yeah.

He's talking to those like Westboro Baptist church people.

Every time they say something awful, he must be on the verge of going,

making signs like, oh.

Can we film that?

Yeah, yeah.

They said, Yes, guys,

sorry, I'll take it down.

I'll take it down.

So, you're letting us film the signs.

Good decision.

Come off well in this time.

I won't trick you again like last time.

Three times, they fallen for those idiots.

Yeah, come back, Louis.

We'll prove you wrong this time.

Okay, are you going to do the signs again?

Oh, yes.

Come on, they filmed more signs.

We've had Louis Theroux on.

Have you?

Yes.

What was he like?

Yeah, he chose.

I think he wanted a goldfish in his water.

So

wackier than

you'd think.

That's strange.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, not to drink, I presume.

Oh, yeah.

He said he just wanted it in there.

Someone should do a Louis Theroux on Louis Theroux.

Yeah, they should Louis Theroux in.

That's a weird weekend.

Yeah, that is a weird one.

You'd think he'd be open to it.

Yeah.

Although he'd know all the tricks.

Yeah, he'd know about all the pauses.

Yeah, it'd be difficult, wouldn't it, to get him?

yeah because if you try and louis through louis through you ask a question you leave a pause like louis through

he he would sit in that pause yeah then you're just in awkward silence yeah yeah two hours go by got a standoff yeah yeah do you think you could get him

both my parents are therapists so i am quite good at like getting to the soul of people sometimes yeah um but louis through would be a challenging challenging get i'd say and also i don't know if even louis through knows what's going on do you know what i mean like i don't know if there is like a a deeper or like an objective.

Yeah, like I don't know what I'm trying to discover about him, I guess.

Yeah.

I guess why he does this sort of thing.

Yeah.

And, you know, what's wrong with him?

Yeah, what are you digging?

What are you digging down into?

Yeah, what are your questions?

Did you get any sense of that when he was on your pod?

He did a lot of voices, more voices than I expected.

A Texan accent character at one point.

Yeah, that was a good character.

Sounds a bit wild.

Goldfish in the water.

Yeah.

Pretending to be Texan.

He's a fun guy.

What therapy tricks did you pick up from your parents?

Oh, I thought you were going to ask him about food.

Carry on.

Therapy tricks.

The main one is:

this is true.

If you ask, you know, like empathic listening or emotional listening, which is basically what you do is you mirror exactly what the person says in different words, summarize it, and then add an emotion.

So say someone says, I'm feeling pissed off with my dad today.

It says, it sounds like you were sounding really frustrated with your dad.

And then because you've completely affirmed what they've said, they will then go deeper and then they'll tell you why.

And then if you affirm that, and eventually they'll get to a stage where they're like, oh, I fucking, I don't know know if I'm a good enough person.

Like, like, you just, and what, this is going to make me sound like a

school, when I was like 13, sort of not having a great time at school, a bit of bullying and stuff, what I used to do to the bullies is just ask them like four of those questions, get them to a stage where they were like, oh my God, I don't know if I'm loved by you for my family members.

And then I just leave them to deal with that.

And just walk away

with a knowledge they had of themselves that they couldn't nearly deal with.

Johnny, you were the bully.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wasn't the bully.

Well, you said he was having problems at school with bullying.

Yeah, yeah.

These kids were clever.

Couldn't stop doing it.

They're all crying.

Everyone's crying.

We always start with still a sparkling water, Johnny.

I will have still water, please.

I genuinely, I'm not a fussy drinker or eater, particularly, but just do not like sparkling water at all.

It sounds like you don't like sparkling water at all.

That must be hard.

Well, it is, yeah, it's very hard because I feel like maybe I don't know why I don't like it, but you know, it does feel it is very challenging.

Sounds confusing for you.

I am confused about my lack of desire for sparkling water, and that makes me feel anger.

You must be very angry.

I feel quite angry.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't like it.

I don't like it.

I don't know why I don't like it.

I just don't like it.

All right, I'm on to you.

Do you like other fitting drinks?

Do you like cooking?

Yeah,

love Coke.

Love, love every other fitting drink.

Except something Something like sparkling water.

I haven't had sparkling water in like 10 years because I just know I don't like it.

So there's a chance if I had it now, I'd think, oh no, this is actually all right.

Could be one over.

But genuine, and I think, particularly when you think it's still water and then it is sparkling water, that's awful.

Yeah, I hate the bottled ones, you might get them in hotels.

Yeah, yeah.

That don't have, because you'd think the bubbles should be not, you should be able to look at it 100% and go, it's bubble.

Exactly right.

And you've got to look at the label.

Yeah.

And sometimes the colour of the label is the wrong way around.

Someone says, like, there's one that's got a black label, one that's got a white label.

Preach.

In my head, the white label should be still one.

Yes.

Correct.

Of course.

Because it's plain.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the black label should be the fizzy one.

It's not.

It's the other way around.

And they both look the same.

The fizzy one isn't jumping around and looking all fizzy.

And sometimes you've just woken up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which actually like we talked about this

and that is genuinely something from this podcast that has affected my whole life and how I live it.

On tour, in hotels a lot, always a bottle of still, always a bottle of sparkling.

Because James once said on the podcast, he likes having a sparkling water in the morning if he's in a hotel and there's one next to him because it feels like it's cleaning his mouth.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Every time I do that now, I save the sparkling water for the morning, and I think James thought this is like cleaning his mouth, and it does feel like it's cleaning him out.

He does it.

Yeah.

You can't see how happy James looks like.

Yeah, right.

I never knew it influenced him before.

Yeah, I'm fully influenced.

I'm in.

That's my new routine.

Well, sometimes in the evening, I won't wash my face, and I'll think Ed used to do that.

Yeah.

He started now.

Really?

He started washing his face.

I'm on and off.

I'm on and off now.

He's on and off.

So you don't think he's moved you negatively.

Because

he's tripped you, and he said, oh, yeah, I don't wash my face.

You're not doing that.

He's looking bloody delightful with a washed face.

Yes.

He makes my life worse.

He looks so nice with his washed face, as you say.

I mean, I still don't know why people bother with that.

What, washing your face?

In the evening.

I mean, you're talking to...

I mean, I'm not washing my face in the morning often.

This is like Goldilocks.

We're the three bears.

Yeah, we're the three bears, but we're face washing.

He's made himself the perfect one, hasn't he?

Well, he's the middle one.

Yeah, yeah.

He's on and off.

Yeah.

I'm basically doing it all the time.

Yeah, every time I don't do it, I think, it's okay.

Edge doesn't wash his face.

And then you remember, wait a minute.

Yeah, hold up.

But now I'm going to think of you.

So now if I don't do it in the morning, I'll think Johnny Pelham doesn't watch his face.

That's a terrible strategy, Jeff.

No one should follow me in almost anything I do, really.

I don't know.

I'm start living like you, Pelham, after this episode.

Yeah.

I might start doing it.

I'm very heavily influenced, just like Ed is with me.

Yes.

I'm glad to know that.

I do feel there's pressure now for me not to tell you anything else I do.

In a year, you'll be homeless.

Is there ever any of your friends or peers who have influenced you in a habit in your life?

Is there something that you do and you always think that's because of that guy?

I am, I live with Bobby Mayer at the moment, he's a comedian.

And when he started moisturizing, I did think maybe I should moisturize or just do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

Our house is so terrible that we just have to tell people when they come on that one of us is doing crack.

It's the only way.

If you were in Sesame Street, there's Oscar the Grouch lived in the bin.

And then he had a little worm friend.

Yeah, yeah.

As well.

Forgotten about the worm, friend.

Yeah.

It's easy to forget about the worm.

Who's who?

Who's Oscar and his worm?

Sad to this, but I am undeniably the worm.

Dance sometimes, that worm.

Yeah, it's an optimistic worm.

That pretty much is a good summary.

Also, the worm living in the bin.

That's normal.

That's normal.

That makes sense for the worm, right?

The worm's found its perfect house.

Well, the problem is, I am the worm.

That's worse, isn't it?

Because really, I'm saying this is my happy place.

Yeah, yeah, this is your habitat.

Pop knobs or bread.

Pop knobs on bread, Johnny Pelham.

Pop knobs or bread.

That was pretty easy.

I like that sound.

I haven't got that sound out of someone before.

You kind of gained 60 years there.

Suddenly.

Old worm.

Yeah, the old worm.

Fred.

Yeah.

Definitely bread.

I love Fred and I think Freddy Mott is really underrated as a, like, I'll just have that often just by itself.

I just really enjoy.

Like, I'm just laughing at that.

Yeah, James.

It's a really tough James, and I laugh because

James is.

It's the image that Johnny's building of himself and this like

just living in an absolute dump.

Yeah.

And then my meal today is bread and butter.

The treat.

That's the treat as well.

This is underrated, Bobby.

It's rare that we have bread and butter in at the same time.

We're living great lives, okay?

Yeah, bread and butter is the all.

I agree.

I agree.

Bread and butter.

It's delicious.

I think probably like a French baguette sort of vibe.

Like the sort of thing you'd have with soup.

Just get rid of the soup and just the bread and sort of too much butter that is like more than is socially acceptable yeah so sometimes people will say well that's a lot of butter and i think if you won't eat it

so much more like a private amount of butter yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like something teeth marks you want to see your teeth marks in the butter never even yeah maybe yeah

do you want to see your teeth marks in the butter well that's how thick that's a measure of how thick the butter is right if you bite into it and you can see your teeth marks in the butter you know that's down the side of it, yeah, scraping down, yeah, like a block of cheese.

Yeah, wow, I didn't know this.

I nearly called my book teeth marks in the cheese, did you?

Yeah,

what did you call it?

Glutton, glutton, covered it off.

There was a book.

I called an extra book to teeth marks in the cheese.

I can't write another food book, mate.

What?

As if?

Yeah, you can.

Come on.

This is your niche now.

You can do it.

I think you have smashed it, Ed, in terms of your life.

Like, you've just got, you just eat now, and that's

a great, yeah.

That's sort of the dream life, isn't it?

Yeah, I just eat, make money just from eating.

Yeah.

Beans on toast, I go.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm eating bread and butter.

I'm just looking at my bank account go up.

Yeah, that's pretty great, man.

I'm proud of you.

Yeah, thanks, man.

And sometimes he talks to people about being untrustworthy.

Yes.

So that's the two things he does.

He'll do and then say to someone, why do you lie to all those people?

They can't trust you now.

What sort of butter?

If you're at home and do you get a good butter in?

Of course you don't.

Yeah, you're just scraping something out the sink.

Good butter?

What is that?

No, I think it's.

Cody

No, when I'm at a restaurant,

I do love, I didn't know butter can be that good.

Like sometimes when you go to a restaurant, you're like, this is just incredible.

Yeah.

Salt on the top.

And you think, yeah, let's go.

Yeah.

It's funny.

Go.

This is why people make money.

This is why people make money.

Playing at the bunny.

Worth all them hours.

Work.

I'm exploiting a lot of people and I'm doing it for this butter.

Okay.

What other things in your life have you experienced that makes you think this is why people make money?

Every time I walk in a house, yeah, this makes sense to see why this system works.

Yeah, what else?

Not your house, though.

No, no, no, this is what you walk in someone else's house, yeah.

This is why people make money, it's very motivating.

Not when you walk in your house, living in my house is very motivating to think I need to make more money.

I guess you could still say it in your house, it's just different.

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

What else is I just think just you often buy everything?

I think probably computer games, yeah, but that explains why I'm in the house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really?

Painting such a bleak picture of your life now, John.

I think the thing is, and this is a problem, but I am quite happy.

But that is like, that almost makes it worse.

Yeah, yeah.

There's no moat.

There's no like, but

I'm an optimistic man.

What can I say?

What's your favourite computer game?

I play a lot of football manager.

And I had to stop playing because it was like...

I'd be talking to my girlfriend and all I'd be thinking about is we need to buy a left back.

Now I'm scouring the Croatian league.

I've spoken to a lot of people who've got properly addicted to Football Manager.

Yeah, well, it's better than life, I think.

That's the problem.

I only play football manager when I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Because there you just want something that's completely out of the world that you can just do and enjoy.

And it's like the thing I do every month to stop me getting hammered.

I'm like, I won't drink.

I've got a gaupper.

I get some Champions League to win.

That's a good idea because every Edinburgh,

for the listeners who don't know, every Edinburgh festival, every comedian goes up and they always say the same thing.

They always go, I'm not going to drink this year.

I'm not going to read reviews.

I'm not going to care about the sellout board and how other people are doing.

I'm going to exercise every day.

And then obviously you don't do any of that stuff and it goes to shit and it's really bad.

But it's because we don't replace it with something that's actually fun.

So you replacing something that is addictive and enjoyable and isn't as bad for you as all that other stuff is genius.

Because I don't really know many people who have successfully done that for the month and gone this long.

And because I only play it during that month, it is like I'm really into it.

And I know this is my month.

I'm like, look, I'm getting terrible views.

No one's coming to my show, but we're doing well in the Premier League.

You've got a Premier League team.

I don't need this festival.

I'm a successful football manager.

That's why I scream at my audience.

I don't need you.

I don't need either of you.

You've got Liverpool on the weekend and we're going to beat them.

Who's your team?

Well, normally, because I'm quite don't improv or anything, I'm quite good at football manager.

So I start with someone like, I'm from Bradford.

So I often start with Bradford City, often feeling really ambitious, Bradford Park Avenue, who are in the conference.

And then you have to build them up to win the championships.

And you take Bradford all the way to like winning the

I've done that more times than is acceptable.

You know what I mean?

It's awful when you do that and then you log back on the year after and they're back down in the conference again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, this is clearly, it was all me.

You've handed them over to Ted Lasso.

Yeah,

he keeps getting relegated, but he's being very positive.

Optimistic American, this isn't going to cut it.

Yeah.

Believe.

Your dream starter, let's get into your meal proper, Johnny.

I think when I say my starter, we're all going to agree that I've cheated.

But

it's my dream restaurant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I can do what I want.

Yes.

Right?

Well, let's hear it first.

It's a nice, nice, light, warm you up for the meal, spaghetti Cabonama.

I think that's totally acceptable.

Sure.

Great, great, great, great.

We often let people have a pasta course.

Well,

if they want.

Yeah, we've even let people do that.

So, like, if you want to just make that your starter, great.

Well, it's a specific carbon arma because I was in, it was, it was my 18th birthday, I was in Florence.

I had a Cabanara that was so delightful.

that it sort of ruined food for me for the next 15 years, pretty much.

Because I had to be banned by my governor at the time from ordering Carbonara in Italian restaurants because I'd just eat it and then be like, it's not as good.

He's sad about it.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember what the place was called?

No idea.

That's the thing.

No idea what it's called.

You'll never get it again.

It was like we just landed, checked in.

We sort of one of those days where we're just walking, first day, walking through Florence.

It was just on like a side street.

Yeah.

Ate it.

It was just insane.

Like how amazing it was.

And that was was the first time I'd ever been to Italy.

So, I was just like, Well, I guess this is what food tastes like.

Yeah, yeah,

this is gonna be every meal, yeah.

Literally, and then it nothing has ever replicated it.

So, I'd say overall, that carbonara has had a negative impact on my life, yeah.

But

in the moment, it was just pure, pure joy.

I love that like 10 minutes ago, you're going, I guess I'm just happy, I'm an optimistic guy, and now you've gone, I love this carbonara, it's ruined my life.

I'm complex

and saying that your life was having bleak and bleak, yeah, And then you're like, I had this amazing Carponara.

Here's a positive story.

This ruined my life.

What was so amazing about this Cabanara?

I guess it's difficult to, like, the myth and reality are very intertwined now.

I mean, it's just, it was just, like, the past was perfectly al dente.

It was just sort of creamy.

It was sort of weirdly, you know, the thing about Cabanara is often they are rubbish because they're just so heavy.

Yeah.

So you're just like, oh, you just need some gabanara.

And it all coagulates and sticks together.

So this was like light delicious the the bacon was really salty and it was just like the perfect and was it cream or was it like the golden carbonava

huh no way well this is why i'm asking the italians ain't doing that man yeah i don't know enough about carbonara to know like i can't remember i'm sure it wasn't cream because it was like different to anything i've eaten that's a crime that's a cream crime

i'm not saying i'm not he's not going to go to florence and there's going to be cream in the carbonara man i think you've just got to be clear on it you know because like if if pelham's going around ordering carbonara's probably got some creamy ones

a jug of single cream

yeah that would be it was for dessert yeah

um it was incredible though it was like yeah it was real it was a real smasher that carbonara and do you think it's because you were in italy as well there was like the surrounding and we were tired and like it was like all those things of like we just got there we didn't quite know what was going on a bit hungry and then you just sit down It was like quite a secluded little like weird area.

And it was like nice temperature.

And it was just like, this is, I was like this is gonna be a good holiday this is this is why people earn money yeah yeah this is why

of course that's what you said and was it a good holiday yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it was good solid just you and your girlfriend or no no it was me and my full family not my girl I was only like 18 at the time yeah oh now I can see even more why your girlfriend at the time banned you from having Carbonara in restaurants because she wasn't even there for when you had the carbonara in the first place and you know what I would say the problem is is that it's quite a boring story.

It's not boring, it's a fine story, but once you was told that story 56 times,

every time you're like, she'll go for a romantic meal, yeah, yeah, I'll be getting the Carbonara and then I'll be sad.

Yeah, you know, I'll be wishing I was somewhere where you weren't originally and you were never there for it.

Yeah, so that, so I think the banning, you know, when someone says you've got to stop doing this, and I think that's, I'm like, yeah, you are completely right.

And now I just never ordered Carbonara.

I'll just let that.

Oh, so you haven't had Cabonara in ages?

Not had a Cabanara in ages.

Because, as I said, it is, when when it is, normally it's quite bad.

Like, it is, isn't, and it's so heavy.

So, but this one particular Carbonara, that's why I had to get it as a starter.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is my food issue in life.

Did the rest of your family have the Carbonara?

No, no, no, no, I was the only one.

And then I gave some to my parents.

Idiot.

You went, this is so nice, you got to try it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Little did you know that was the pinnacle of your entire life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you gave some of it away to your parents.

Yeah, I guess I'm just a great guy.

Yeah, great, great guy.

Did they say that's

that's amazing?

They were they were enthusiastic about it, but they weren't.

I mean, they really should have started weeping and gone, this is the best thing that's ever happened in my life, including the birth of all my children.

And then I'd have been like, they get it.

Yeah, yeah.

They said they were, you seem to like the carbonara, don't you?

I'm like, wait a minute.

Good holiday, though.

With you.

You, your parents.

My two sisters.

And older sisters younger sisters two older sisters okay and it was uh it was my birthday and my parents anniversary it's like four days apart yeah so it was like a combined of those two things and uh which one do you reckon got more kind of airtime good question in the holiday do you reckon it became more of a birthday holiday or an anniversary for i'd say because i was it was an 18th yeah yeah which i think it was probably me and i think that reflects how cool a person i am 18th birthday i'm in florence with my family i'm crying about a carbon armor i can't find find running around the streets of Florence going, I deserve a better Cabanama.

That sounds absolutely delicious.

I also love that

I didn't know like you were the youngest of three and it just makes sense.

Yeah, yeah.

I love thinking about little Johnny

running around after his sisters.

Like, I love it.

Yeah.

But like, hey, wait up.

That's what I always think.

Wait for me, guys.

Wait up.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I really like that image running around, even though in Florence you're 18, but in my head, you're like eight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like running around, like scrappy do.

You know?

You've had this Carbonara.

Is it the size of a main course, that Carbonara?

I think I'll talk to the genie about this.

Can I just have as much space for eating as possible?

Well then, yeah,

it's infinite.

It can't be infinite because then you're never going to get onto your main, are you?

Or are you happy to not finish the infinite Carbonara?

Yeah, I think it's just always there as an option.

Because basically every time I have an existential crisis about Carbonaras, it's like, oh, I've got some in the fridge, actually.

Yeah.

Well, here's the thing: then, it's in the fridge.

In your dream restaurant, you want an infinite carbonara that's fridge cold.

Well, I guess I have to leave the restaurant, right?

I can't just stay in the restaurant forever.

Yeah, so I'm just taking a vat of this carbonara.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe someone's telling me the recipe.

That's what's happening.

Okay.

Well, then I have to cook it.

I don't like my chances.

Yeah.

Maybe there's a chef who follows me around from this restaurant.

Okay.

And he lives in the bin with me.

Yeah.

You and Bobby.

In our house.

Somehow Somehow we were phoning a chef.

Yeah.

He's he's not done well out of this deal.

Yeah.

He was happy in Florence.

Yeah.

Now he's living with us and the fox.

That's a good sit card.

Well, okay.

Let's say you can never get full.

Yeah.

And you got an infinite amount of that carbonara.

It will never stop.

When do you think you would stop eating it?

And we'll just make it that size.

I guess so.

But like, realistically.

It's the best thing you've ever tasted.

You absolutely love it.

You start eating it.

You're never even, it's not even touching the sides sides at any point.

Yeah, I've got it.

Also, this, I think, sums you up.

Do you?

That you've gone with the best thing you've ever eaten and it's ruined all food for you, and it's your starter.

So, this whole meal is going to be downhill from now on.

Yeah, it can't be as good.

Yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying, Ed.

You're a wise man.

Yes, you've seen, you've seen the error of my ways, but yeah, I don't care.

Uh, basically, I'm having an infinite star, it's never ending.

Goodbye.

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Okay, so your main course.

Main course, I'm from Bradford,

and Bradford is...

They won the Champions League, didn't they?

Basically.

2037.

Yeah.

So it's a curry.

It's a curry.

Because that's really...

Bradford has...

Bradford gets a lot of stick.

It's always on like worst places to live that you can imagine in the UK.

It's always like four.

I was thinking, who's making that list?

What sort of a twat is coming down from London and me like, imagine living here?

But we're really good at curry.

So there's a few curries I thought.

There's, I like live in a very Asian area.

We're like one of two white families on our street.

And basically every Eid, the food is just ridiculous.

Like all the families, neighbours bring around like curry and samosa, and it is insanely good.

Like it's so good.

And it is amazing.

And then you do feel a bit guilty because we give nothing back.

Because it's like, what would we, hey, it was a cottage pie.

We have nothing to offer.

The one I'm going to go for is my local curry place.

We're just like a family restaurant.

It's called Habibs.

And it is just such good curry.

Yeah.

And I would get a lamb makani, which which

Meccani is a weird dish because I've had it every other place I go.

It's like a vibrant pink that doesn't exist in nature.

Yeah.

And I don't really like because it's really sweet.

But this one,

I think they might be doing it wrong, to be honest, because it's like yellow, but it's so delicious.

It's just like the nicest curry I've ever had.

Is it very spicy?

It's actually not that spicy.

I like spicy food, but this isn't very spicy.

It's more like just creamy and just like it's got a pineapple in it, which is a bit of a shocker.

Yeah, it is a bit of a shocker.

But it really works and it's

just a meat.

And then, yeah, a bit of japati and pilar rice.

And yes, please.

The meat of this?

What's the meat?

Lamb.

Lamb.

And the lamb's really tender.

It's like, it's absolutely smashing curry.

Have you been in this place your whole life?

My whole life.

We call them up now and they just know exactly what our order is.

It's one of those places.

That's what you want in life.

And we had it at Christmas Eve this year.

Because we were just like, we were only back for three days.

And we were like, all my family were like, we have to get a curry in.

So Christmas Eve had a curry.

And it was so good.

What are your parents' orders?

My dad gets.

Sometimes James asked the question where I was like, that's the most James question of all time.

Why is that a James' question?

Because he wants to know.

James' question is always, name your friends who are with you.

Tell us about your friends.

That's nice, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's always interesting the sort of real minutiae of what's going on.

What are your parents' orders is a very James question.

Yeah, I love it that they know your orders straight away.

So I thought you must know your orders.

And I like that everyone's got their own little orders.

So I completely agree, but it's very, he's right.

Yeah.

My dad gets a chicken buna.

Yeah.

And my mum, even though she's a meat-eater, because both my sisters are vegetarian, will get a vegetable rogue and Josh because she wants to

let them have more choice.

Because the great thing about Cooey is just smashing everyone's

on everyone's plate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So she just lets my sisters have more choice because she's a kind woman.

My dad, absolutely ruthless.

And your sisters, what do they get?

One of them gets a vegetable Meccane.

Yeah.

And the other one gets a vegetable dorpiaza, I think.

I love it.

Yep.

There you go.

You're new.

I love it.

You know, it's all of them.

The restaurant knows all the orders.

Did you ever go to the restaurant with your gang?

With my gang.

That you were in?

I was in a gang at school called the Blazing Bangladeshis.

We're just me and five Bangladeshi lads.

And it was very fun.

I was just, as soon as I knew you were coming in, I was like, I can't wait to ask him about his gang.

Yeah,

we love the gang so much.

Again, I imagine you just go, wake up, guys.

Why is it Bangladeshi?

He was like the lawyer.

Was it ever acknowledged that you were white in the Blazing Bangladeshis?

Well, look, let me...

Was it ever acknowledged?

I'd imagine day one, it might have been.

Well, I think I was an honor, and that was

part of the joy for me because I got included in this group.

Because I went to pretty much an all-Asian school, like I was the only white boy in my class.

So that's why I had to psychoanalyse people, stat,

get some rep.

Like, no, you don't want to mess with him.

He'll make you question your very existence.

And the thing was, a lot of white kids got bullied.

And I think subconsciously I looked at them and thought, I don't want that.

So instead, I just became the most Asian boy I could be.

Straight into a gag with them.

Yeah, yeah.

I knew how to swear at people's mums in Bangladeshi.

Yeah.

I knew all sorts of things.

I was really, it was a great time to be laughing.

And what's crazy is it was only when I went to university, I was like, yeah, yeah.

Obviously, I was in a gang of Bangladeshi lads that people, I realized how weird it was.

Yeah, sure.

It's not everyone's lived experience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you know what it's like.

On Friday, everyone goes to mosque, you have to play a lot.

How did you get in the gang?

Did they invite you or did you like...

Well, initially, it was a five-perside football tournament.

Yeah.

I was a goalkeeper again.

That's a position you get if you don't want to be bullied.

I was quite a good goalkeeper, which is the ultimate like, look, guys, I can fulfill a role no one wants to do.

Yeah, so I was quite a good goalkeeper.

They were like, we need a goalie.

And then we did quite well.

We got to the final.

And that is a bonding experience.

I mean, I play a lot of football manager.

I know how important team morale is.

It's like, look, if we're going to win this competition next year, we need a gang.

Yeah, yeah.

And they all agreed for you.

I mean, there was a time where.

Were you there for the naming of the gang?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was a founding member.

Yeah.

So, was there anyone said, Let's call ourselves the Blazing Bangladeshis?

Did no one look at you or you put your hand up and go, Will that work?

Will that cover everyone?

I can't remember.

I think there was a decent chance that I was the one who said, Why don't we call ourselves?

We're all the same, right?

Yeah,

a little pause.

Okay, Johnny, we can call ourselves that, but people won't, when you're not with us, people won't assume you're in the gang.

It's the only problem for you.

I would say they won't.

No, no one's just the blazing Bangladeshis and Johnny.

You know what I mean?

I think I was in the core group.

There were people who were more satellite gang members.

They must have been livid.

Yeah.

Especially if they were Bangladeshi, right?

Yeah, they'd have been like, who the fuck?

How is he so prominent in this?

Yeah.

And they'd look at me, I'd swear at the moment in Bangladeshi, and then go, he deserves to be.

Yeah, yeah.

He's putting more work in it.

He's got the work in.

it's like someone in the mafia who's not italian yeah he's done some stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah like an irish guy in the mafia yeah joe irish probably something

like joe irish is in the mafia yeah

um

so this curry sounds lovely i i love people's like local curry houses that they grew up with because like sometimes you know you get take you visit a mate somewhere else in the country visit their family they take you to their local local curry house they will build it up so much before you go and say how much they love this place you wait until you get there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then every time you go, and it's the same as any curry you've ever had anywhere, but you know they've grown up with it, it means that much more to them.

No other curry in the country tastes as good.

And I do love hearing people talk about you've got that place.

The Raj.

Although, also, shout out to the Royal Bengal as well in Ketwin.

They're literally two doors down from each other.

That's stressful for them, isn't it?

Yeah.

They're in constant competition.

Imagine the lads on Brick Lane.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't imagine.

That's not in Ketwin.

Just so you know.

But, like,

sorry to get off track.

Don't know what he's talking about.

Brilliant lane.

You don't know anything about Ketron, man.

It's not a place.

They're Rockingham Road, these places.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

The Roth.

That's what I meant.

Yeah.

Rockingham Road.

I've got bricks, rocks.

The Curry Mile of Ketrim.

Well, that's Manchester.

Curry 100 meters.

But yeah.

It is tense between them.

Yeah.

House of Spice, Rains Park, shout out.

House of Spice, Rains Park.

Habibs.

I would like people to go there because I feel like they're doing well, but they could be doing better.

Yeah, okay.

So if you're in Bradford, go to Habibs.

Don't mention me because I don't actually want to talk to them.

Like, I really like them, but the idea of knowing, them knowing that, I'd hate,

I don't want that.

Well, bad news, Johnny.

You've mentioned it by name.

You've made it sound really good.

Yeah, yeah.

Often...

The effect that it has on this podcast is people do go there and do mention to the owners.

Yeah.

We'll just go and the Why don't I call up and do my order?

And I'm going, did you mention this on a podcast?

Yeah.

And I have to go, I'm sorry.

Like, I just, I don't know.

I'm so sorry.

You were so sorry.

I don't know how to deal with compliments.

Like, I don't, I'd be like, oh, yeah, sorry.

That's interesting.

Why can't you deal with compliments?

Ed, I'm on to you.

It seems like you're.

You can't say that to it in a therapy session.

When you're on to you.

I'm on to you.

That's a bit better every time.

I'm on to you.

I'm on to you.

I know what you're doing.

My parents are therapists.

You can't pull this portion off.

You're trying to break my unconscious habits, are you?

Well, they're staying stuck.

That would be a good film.

A young person whose parents are therapists doing something that means they have to go to therapy, like being naughty, and they're like, right, you've got to go start going to therapy sessions.

And then they're like, I'm on to you.

They know.

He tries the therapist.

Yeah.

I know all these.

The therapist is crying.

Yeah.

I would watch that.

Like Goodwill Hunting, but like he's younger.

Yeah, yeah.

And as therapist pays.

Maybe it's based on me.

Yeah.

Maybe so.

Maybe I could play it.

Plus six.

The kids being a gang.

Yes.

The plays in Bangladeshis.

Yeah.

Cusses out the therapists.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm really loving this.

I'm seeing box office.

I'm seeing a lot of money.

You're seeing box office.

I'm seeing box office, yeah.

You're seeing box office.

The numbers are bad.

Box up, the presence of a box office does not mean it's done well.

Right, well, that's going to be fun to know.

How's my new film done on the phone to your agent?

How's my new film done?

Well, there's a box office.

I just instantly just start cheering.

Hello, is that box office?

Yes.

How's good Johnny Pelham doing?

Bad.

Thank you.

Bobby, it's got box office.

Your dream side dish.

So we've got we've got chapati and

pillout included with the lampa colour.

That included included.

Yeah, that comes with.

That's a package deal.

It comes with.

And I think I'm just going to stay at Habibs.

I do feel a bit boring not picking Habibs because it is...

I wonder if it represented a lack of imagination.

Well, no, it means a lot to you.

It means a lot.

It's been a lot to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to stay at Habibs.

Do you want the starter to be in Florence, by the way, at that restaurant, and then you move to Habibs for your main?

Or do you want us to transport the starter to Habibs?

Would it feel weird eating a Carbonara in an Indian restaurant?

Definitely, definitely a lot of people.

Sorry, it's a curry house.

Yeah, you see an Indian restaurant.

Yeah, it's an Indian restaurant.

I um, I don't know.

Where do I want to be?

Maybe in Florence would be nice.

I think if I was going to be anywhere, I'd be in Florence with the Cabanawa and the curry.

But can you transport me anywhere?

Yeah, I could do anything like that.

Absolutely.

I feel sorry for the Habibs.

That often crew.

Yeah, I feel sorry for the Habibs crew.

Do you?

Well, also, I don't know if I'd like a curry that I'm used to eating in an Indian restaurant setting.

in an alleyway in Italy.

Wouldn't feel right.

I don't know if it's an alleyway.

I've imagined

that's weird.

That's what I've imagined.

I've imagined it's in a little side street.

Yeah, like

an alleyway.

Yes, basically an alleyway, yeah.

Fair enough.

I think that's it's sad that I say I did delicious carbon armor in Italy, and you've looked at me and gone, I imagine it's in an alleyway and you've never been.

Can I tell you what I imagine?

Because Florence, all of those big places in Italy, the nicest restaurants are down like rickety little alleyway, side-streety places because the food has to be good because it's not touristy and the view's not good, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it probably was down in an an alleyway.

Yeah.

What's this about?

In my head, I think an alleyway you meant like it's like a like a.

Well, actually, you're talking about quite a picturesque, beautiful little alleyway.

No, it doesn't have to be picturesque.

I mean, if there's a bin, that's fine.

You can just, you know, short walk home.

Talking about bins, I would have enough for me.

I mean, yeah, yeah, it can be nice and coming, all right, bin, probably.

You live in a bin.

I imagine there's a lot of bins surrounding you,

surrounded by bins, you're sat in the middle.

So it's down in Habibs for the side dish.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

The side dish, I think it's just good.

They do these little fish-like Pecora things that are just properly top-notch.

Yeah.

They're like light leaf fried, I guess.

Like, I mean, you've eaten a picora, but it's really good version of that.

I haven't even had a fish.

A fish picora?

No.

Yeah, they're top.

They're really like blow your head off good.

My dad ordered, you changed the order about three years ago.

There was commotion everywhere.

Pardon?

And I thought he'd lost his mind.

I thought, well, clearly he's got dementia or something.

But

the first sign.

Absolutely fiber of us.

Oh, clearly he's got dementia.

I imagine this is the worst thing that's going to happen because of that.

Yeah, yeah.

Food always leading to the end of your life.

You're like, got to take care of my dad for 15 plus years.

As he's watching his steady decline, it is a shame.

Because he's always a fishbook.

But then he'd eaten it somewhere else, and he thought, I'm going to give it a go.

He's a sort of, you know, he's a bold man.

And incredible.

So good.

So they would be a side dish.

So are they super light, but also like they're like...

Very, very, yeah, exactly that.

Very light.

And you can really taste the fish in a way that you wouldn't imagine.

Because they're probably not like full.

They're not deep-fried as much as you would deep-fry Pakora, I guess.

So they're like lightly fried.

Then you can still taste some fish, which I presume is like cod, some white fish in there.

And it's, yeah, it's great.

Sounds good.

I have a question about your parents being therapists.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

She said your dad maybe heard about fish picora as side of the shrimp.

This is a great question.

Yeah, yeah.

I think I'm on the same page.

obviously therapists can't go about repeating what they've had heard in the sessions what people have said to them yeah if in the session yeah the person's like talking about something they go i was at this restaurant and uh it's very difficult for me i went there because they do these amazing fish bakoras they're just so good but um i talk and then they carry on with their story and your dad or your mum clocks that and goes that sounds tasty actually are they allowed to go and in their life then go and get fish bakoras because someone mentioned it in a session and it sounded good.

Are they allowed to take that

and do that in their life?

Take recommendations from there.

I thought you were going to ask a different.

I thought you were going to say, if then in 20 minutes, could they then go?

You mentioned earlier about these fish picoras.

Before we go, I think, just a sum up.

Or asking leading therapy questions, being like, Yeah, this place you had the fish pakoras.

You must have me.

What was the name of the place?

Because I think it'd be weird.

You could tell the name of the place to really understand you.

And this was like a kind of curb episode or something.

But if I said to my therapist, yeah, you know, it happened at this, there's this restaurant called Brat.

It's delicious.

I think it's the best restaurant in London.

And then I went there a week later and my therapist was there having a meal.

That's funny.

I would be like, are you here?

Because I recommended it.

Because I said it was good.

I thought there was...

It has to be anonymous.

Yeah, you can't be.

You can't be here.

That is great.

I think what you should do is you should start just just mentioning delicious, like you should try and like set him up.

Just keep saying like, I have the best donuts you've ever imagined at this restaurant, and then just see if he goes.

If he goes, just be like, are you taking my mother coming down for our sessions?

That's private.

It was the strangest thing about having parents' purpose was people, I didn't really know what my mum and dad did when I was like a kid.

And I would see happy people.

They had an office.

in our living room for in their office for a bit in the house.

And so I'd see these very happy people walking in.

and then an hour later they would just be weeping left and i was like i wonder what is happening in that space

yeah i guess dance telling them off i've been on the receiving end of that

been there buddy

someone's not cleaned their room yeah you gotta pick up your lego

he hates it

he hates it

um i love these fish bacores are they spicy because then they are lightly spiced i'd say but they're not like blow your mouth off hot.

Because sometimes when we have people come on and they stay in the same place for a different course, it can sometimes be, especially when it's the side,

it can be a bit of a, okay, they're just doing that because it goes with that.

It doesn't sound both of these sound delicious.

Oh, I'm glad.

I love the sound of your mane.

I love the sound of this side dish.

I would eat both of them.

I'm glad that you've stayed in Habib's.

Yes.

I think it works really well.

I'm glad.

They sound a bit like saltfish fritters, like Caribbean cuisine.

Or like

dumplings, deep-fried salt fish, like with fish running through them.

But they're not, they're not like Johnny cakes.

No, they're not like Johnny cakes, just to be clear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are Johnny cakes?

What Johnny cakes again?

I thought they had nothing to do with me.

They have nothing to do with you.

Yeah, well, you might pick cakes for your dessert.

They're like sort of flatbread batter type things, like dumpling sort of things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to eat a Johnny cake.

Are you?

Not Johnny's meal, though.

Not Juvenous Meal, though.

No.

They're not the

thing, oh, right, great.

Yeah,

stay away from those.

Normally, look, for the listener, we never tell the guests what the secret ingredient is, but I felt, oh, fuck, we've led Johnny to this.

There's no way I was going to say, I'll have a Johnny cake.

Well, I didn't know they existed.

You were on the verge.

I thought we'd introduce you to what they are.

You said, oh, I'm going to eat one.

And I was like,

if the next sentence was, yeah, fuck it, why don't I put one on the menu?

Then we go, get out.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's unacceptable.

So I did stand up in a also when Johnny found that out, he moved backwards, but he's had to move to move the microphone closer closer to him because he rolled his chair backwards.

I think I realized what a treacherous group is.

Well, it does sound a bit like a Johnny cake, doesn't it?

Or what's one of them?

Oh, wow.

You'd like those.

Why don't you try one?

Delicious.

I like that you thought, How can we get Johnny to say something?

He'll probably say his name.

I say his own name.

And then if he follows that with cake,

we get one simple as that.

I would like a Johnny cake, please.

Antim.

Johnny Pecoras.

Every single food you say you name after yourself.

Johnny Carbonara.

Johnny Carbonara sounds like quite the character.

Well, he's in the mafia with Irish Joe, isn't he?

Joe Irish.

He's trying to get in the blaze among the legends, but we're not letting him in.

Go away, Johnny Carbonara.

I love living in Bradford.

Put me on the wing.

I'm good at throwing.

I can please.

I'm Johnny Carbonara.

It's a good character, isn't it?

Yeah.

I love that.

I think

you can make that into a sketch, Johnny Carbonari.

Johnny Carbonara, yeah.

Make it into one of my sketches, I do.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we'll do many sketches.

Like, do you want to interview Johnny Carbonara for the Blazing Bangladeshis?

Trying to get in the gag?

What bit of Bangladesh do you feel most proud of?

Oh, my God.

I just love Bangladesh, you know?

I love the cuisine.

I love the people.

I just feel Bangladeshi at heart.

I'm Johnny Covino.

You're welcome addition to the gang.

Fantastic.

To be honest, it was quite easy to get in the gang.

We were actively recruiting.

This isn't the social.

It doesn't help me socially, as I imagine it would.

Still getting bullied.

It doesn't help to the.

It just allows the bully to know the group to bully now.

Yeah, okay, great.

There he is.

Was there ever a situation where so many Bangladeshis had left you had to recruit more white people and then it was a fully white white gang called the Blazing Bangladeshis?

That would have been the most

like a kind of

Atomic Kitten situation.

Sugar babes.

Sugar babes, sorry.

Sugar Babes was almost anger there.

Sugar Babes.

You should have been shitting around about it.

Next.

Imagine if once sugar babes replaced themselves with the members of Atomic Kitten and it turned into a

kitchen.

But they're still called the Sugar Babes.

That would have been the most confusing.

I wouldn't mean dead confusing.

Imagine if Sugar Babes changed their name to Blazing Bangladeshis.

That would be confusing.

That would be very good for coffee There's a chance I can make some money from that.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be quite the news story.

People go, Sorry, this guy

is saying that he owns the name Blazing Bangladeshis.

And now he's taking the Sugar Babes to the bottom.

But look for you, I think you'd be a villain on the internet if you tried to sue someone for using the name Blazing Bangladesh.

You just have to take the money and run.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is why people make money.

This is why people make money.

This is why people sue Atomic Kirk.

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Your dream drink.

Where are we going for this?

Interesting question.

I guess we're

now in London,

overlooking London on like a balcony.

And I'm having a margarita.

Lovely.

I love a margarita.

Didn't really get into margaritas until about five years ago.

Started drinking them too much.

And what I've learned about myself.

Really looked at James there.

Johnny Propper stuck his face forward.

Not too much.

Too much.

Don't like that accent.

You didn't be yet.

Yeah, look at that accent.

Not as good as the Johnny Carbonara one.

Too much.

That's what you sound like.

You do.

I'm from Yorkshire.

Whenever I try to do accents, I have to say where I'm doing.

And also, I just can't do accents.

Is that what you had to do in the Blazing Bangladeshis?

That wasn't good in the accent.

Can you imagine?

You wanted to fit in.

I think that's like day one out of the gang.

Surely.

He lasted two seconds in the gang and no prizes for guessing why.

No, we're the ones who bully him.

The problem with Margaritas, though, is I get quite cantankerous after about four.

So I'm really jolly, really jolly.

And suddenly I'm like, is this relationship even working?

Just insane shift in everything.

Yeah.

Which is weird because it's because it's tequila, isn't it?

So it should be lifting you up and making you happy.

That's what the big PR for tequila is these days.

Is that it's an upper, it doesn't make you cantankerous, but you are in the sky.

I'm just swirling it around.

Yeah.

It's dropping out of the glass.

What is love?

Is this real?

All overlooking London.

Yeah.

Do you have a particular place that you like to get a margarita from?

The best margarita you've ever had?

There was a place, I think it's called like 20 stories high in, I don't know why I spoke like that.

In

Manchester.

That was good.

So maybe there, but that isn't in London.

So I guess...

Thank you.

It's high, though.

Thank you for letting me know.

But Manchester's not in London.

We have a lot of international listeners,

they could do with being told that.

They probably don't know.

You could drink it in Manchester and be so high up on a building that you're overlooking London.

That's what I want.

Yeah.

I mean, even the fact that that's a possibility in this universe is wonderful.

Just that you can just do anything.

20 stories high, man.

Yeah.

You'd have to be 17,000 star views high.

And you get binoculars when you come in.

Is it called 20 stories high, Benita?

Have you found it?

20 stories.

It was called 20 stories.

It was high, so people couldn't get.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, if they didn't think 20 stories was high,

it's pretty high.

Well, is it spelt like stories in a building?

Oh, it's stories and tales.

So it's not even about being high.

20 stories.

I didn't, I never got that.

I was always pissed on Margarita going, this is a stupid name.

You spelt stormy mom, you idiot.

What the ground floor?

Yeah.

You sounded a bit like Johnny Carbonara, though.

you become Johnny Carbonara.

That's further.

Oh, so 20 stories.

Okay.

Let's say.

Oh, no.

What?

I just thought you were going to get Johnny to tell 20 stories.

Yeah, I have to tell them, but

just briefly, your favorite 20 stories.

That's a different podcast, 20 stories, James.

We should do that podcast.

Top 20 stories.

Just call it 20 stories.

I ain't say it's an overwhelming number of stories because I can tell stories.

I don't want to brag on anything when I've got a lot of in my head.

But when someone says, do 20 stories, your brain goes, wow, so many fucking stories.

I don't know how to do it.

Maybe the podcast would be 20 episodes, story each episode.

Yeah, yeah.

Or like tell four stories, like a starter

game, a story meal.

A story meal, yeah, yeah.

Or yeah, we could do it as a story per episode, call it 20 stories, record it at the bar 20 stories, and just get more and more pissed on margaritas throughout the whole thing.

That is a great, that is a great podcast.

Yeah.

I would be a guest on that podcast without a doubt.

Because that's the problem with cocktails, is you just drink them,

I just forget.

Intellectually, I'm like, oh, there's a lot of alcohol in here.

This will get me hammered.

And then that just goes out of the window.

Yeah.

And I just neck them.

At the time, the So You Think You're Funny Edinburgh fringe thing, me and Harriet Kemsley just got apps.

So they were giving free cocktails out.

Just couldn't have been more pissed.

And then decided to do the dirty dancing

thing.

And then

Harriet charged at me like a terrified bull,

sprinting across the dance floor, presumably thinking I was an expert dancer.

And jumped in the air.

I couldn't catch her.

We just,

to everyone watching, it just looked like Harriet comes in and ran across the room and speared me to the corner.

And that's one of the stories.

We arrive at your dream dessert, Johnny Pelham.

Well, I think I.

It's quite boring, this, but uh, it's a sticky toffee pudding.

That's not boring, it's a classic, classic

for a reason.

It's the thing I eat at, um, and also when I was

saying the fact that we both said it together, yeah, it's like we're a married couple who've been together for like 40, 50 years, yeah, yeah, but we still love each other, yeah, yeah, we still love each other, but we say stuff like it's a classic for a reason at the same time, and people go, they haven't even got their own thoughts anymore.

Yeah, yeah, these two because it isn't, I think that's so true, it isn't romantic that

when you get to where where every sentence, you know what the umpire's going to say, it's like, that's not romantic.

I think you're bored.

I think it's the pinnacle of romance.

Do you?

Yeah, I love it.

I love it.

You can be Google to

your partners.

Yeah.

When they're going, oh, what was that thing?

I'm trying to remember.

And then you know exactly what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's different, though.

But like, I would say, like, in terms of like someone saying stuff and then the couple.

both just say the same thing, have the same opinion about it and use, you know, cliched phrases.

That is sad.

You're nowhere near that.

No, no, no.

If I asked you and Charlie, they're very different.

Yeah, yeah.

You're not going to both just say the same opinion.

Yeah, we're the opposite, actually.

All of my opinions really upset her.

Well, I think that's healthy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's a bad, they're bad opinions.

I know.

They're not nice opinions.

Those WhatsApp groups' opinions.

Effie's talking about Ed.

Gamble, lady.

Fucking.

Have you heard his opinions?

You've heard his opinions.

This guy.

Yeah, sticky topic money.

And I think at like a specific time, basically when I was about 10, I started walking home from school by myself.

And there was like...

Sorry, that's obviously going to make James laugh.

So I was like, why are you laughing at that?

Well, okay.

It's funny.

A lot of reasons it's funny.

So it's funny imagining you as a little 10-year-old walking home by yourself from school,

feeling like a big, big man.

It's a big thing.

Trust me, correctly.

It's funny when an adult says stuff like that.

It still sounds like a little kid boasting that they walk home from school by themselves, Even though

I know that you're not doing it, I want people to know.

That was a vowel.

And it reminded me of starting to walk to and from school by myself.

And en route was this garage

and you know, where all the mechanics worked.

And if you looked through the window, there was a porn calendar.

So

I remember that from

walking to and from school, which would always just dance in the windows, see some boobies.

Yeah, you were laughing and slightly aloud.

Bosso couldn't believe it.

Like, couldn't believe these men had a picture of a naked woman on the wall.

Yeah, like how they can't wait to be that old.

It's not that I couldn't wait to be that old.

No,

I was a little Christian boy.

So I was like, I can't believe that this is happening.

Yeah.

And that they do that as men.

They sit around each other going, there's a naked woman, let's all look at it together.

Yeah.

Share that, write our appointments underneath it.

You know, like it was crazy.

I bet the second half of the walk was slower than the first, wasn't it?

Yeah, I was hunched over

Blood gun all over the blade.

Yeah,

light-headed.

Yeah,

woozy.

Sorry, I'm late, miss.

I went past the garage and go, gee, you've got to stop walking past that garage.

I must go to the toilet immediately.

Yeah.

Confessing it because I'm a little Christian, but

I looked at the naughty calendar.

So naughty, but I love it.

I'm so sorry.

Forgive me.

Yeah, imagine like, yeah, I I know the calendar thing is weird, isn't it?

Porn calendar.

Yeah.

It's all weird.

And that time when like there was just page three existing.

Yeah.

You look back at that.

It's like it just in absolutely an insane period of life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Even though now it's like the internet and it's the fucking wild west in terms of porn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then it was like...

But at least it's private.

You know what I mean?

It's just so crazy.

Yeah.

It was just next to the bananas in Tesco.

Yeah.

A newspaper woman with a tip tip sample.

Yeah.

Imagine being like, oh, writing in a doctor's appointment below like Nikki 19 from Manchester.

Feels weird, doesn't it?

It's very weird.

My prostate checked.

Lovely breasts up there.

So I can't wait till next month as a new lady.

Hope I make it.

Yeah.

Doc, please tell me it's good news.

It's the first of the month tomorrow, and I can't look forward already.

I'm flipping through the whole thing if it's bad.

enough.

I'm going to have to look at the back for the little preview squares.

Do they have rude Advent calendars?

They must do

a scene one.

It's funny if they do.

Open up a door and a dick just pops up.

A 3D dick.

Just open the door.

Boom.

Really realistic.

How big?

24.

Really big.

Just a seven incher.

Yeah, the first door as well.

So the rest are going on.

How am I going to work around this?

All these other doors.

I've got to lift up this dick

every time I'm open the other doors.

I can't believe it.

What's your dick made out of?

Is it a real dick?

Is it a real dick?

Somehow they've done it.

Somehow they've done it where you open it up and a full dick comes out.

It's a 17th, I've got to lift this dick up.

That was another one.

The 24th the calendar comes on you.

Oh, dude,

It's a Christmas in Glami Holt.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what you got in your hands.

That's good stuff, man.

Benito's looking very upset about that.

He doesn't like that.

He doesn't like the advent calendar with the.

As soon as I said, for the listener, when I said, do you think they have rude advent calendars?

Benito went,

yeah, yeah.

Don't do it.

It's like I could see there's a riff on its way that I'm not going to enjoy.

Don't do this for me.

I've got to re-listen to these when I edit them.

And if it goes down well as I listen, I've got to listen to it again for the end of year special.

Don't do this to me.

Oh, God.

They're all laughing.

If it's going down well in the moon, it'll probably go down well whenever Moon says it's a fucking nightmare.

Don't make me Google that.

He didn't want to Google that.

But yeah, sorry, the look was actually from Benito saying, don't make me Google if it's rude advent.

Don't make me Google rude advent calendar.

So I'm pretty sure the one that we riffed isn't real.

Yeah.

There probably is little.

There'll be a video of that, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Someone will be able to make that video.

Yeah, yeah.

Or it'll be, I mean, Microsoft menu will do an advert for a rude advert calendar where a dick a dick pops out of door one

and then i'd like a second video of the person having to open another door but lifting the dick up to get to it

that's that's my favorite bit

you very many have to do dick handpin in life

yeah

open that one and some of them i thought that some of them won't be pornographic yeah so they had to lift up the dick and open one it's like just a little picture of christmas pudding

and then they've got to put the dick back down over it but also the balls are in behind a separate door, but not directly below the dick.

How have they done this?

It's like a magic trick.

A Picasso dick.

Dicasso.

There's ass in there as well.

Yeah.

That's another hole.

Oh, I love a door.

Sorry.

Four years lit.

Right.

How are we going to get back from this?

The dessert.

Oh, yeah.

Dessert.

Sticky toffee pudding.

Sticky on my toffee.

Oh, God, no.

That's another dog.

You think it?

So I walk back from school, little tenure on me.

That was me walking.

And

then I would just, there was like, you could get two sticky toffee puddings for like £1.50 or two quid from Tesco.

Yeah.

And I'd just get them, whack them in the microwave, and just eat them both.

And it was such suddenly a moment in my life where I was like life's gonna be okay yeah yeah I can do this I'm in control yeah yeah this is huge it's like look capitalism has many flaws but if you can make two sticky coffee puddings for $1.99 yeah it's a good system yeah I think those are like those moments when you're a kid and you think when I'm an adult I'm just gonna get this and eat it all the time I can eat this whenever I want it's gonna be so great but obviously when you are an adult it does wear off a bit there's still moments in my life where I go I catch myself and go this is amazing yeah

but like those are maybe the greatest moments in your life yeah yeah yeah yeah and that sense of like possibility you're like well this I'm so free yeah like I could just do this forever yeah and that would be it that and that when you're 10 you think that would be such a good life yeah like that would just be sticky toffee pudding forever walking home from work two two sticky toffee puddings in the microwave ding dong ding dong great life I love those um Those formed a large part of my childhood, I think.

The puddings that you put in the microwave in like the white, in the white plastic tubs and you tip them up on the thing.

Steaky toffee pudding or the chocolate one I really liked as well.

Like chocolate following ones you could get.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd forgotten about them.

They were amazing, actually.

I did a lot of, I worked in a lot of like pub kitchens.

So a lot of the puddings were that.

Were like those ones in the pots.

Yeah.

You take the film off, turn it upside down,

put it in the microwave.

So I was eating a lot of them, but sneakily.

when the head chef wasn't looking.

Yeah.

Well, did that make them taste nicer?

Then you were getting away with it.

Yeah, you were sticky.

It was illicit.

Yeah.

It was great.

Sneaky toffee puddings.

Sneaky toffee pudding.

That's my nickname at the kitchen.

No, it wasn't.

Huh?

It's the mash king.

It's the mash king.

Yeah, because I made a great mashed potato.

Do you?

I did at the time.

Oh, really?

You know.

You still, have you lost the skill?

I think so.

Yeah, I think I think I've seen it.

I think I've probably lost it.

You know, I would have to really, I think I'd get the ratios wrong of all the stuff I was putting in now.

I think I could still mash with the best of them.

But I don't think I'd get all the ratios right.

Interesting.

Yeah, you develop a knack for it at the time.

It's a sixth sense.

Yeah.

Not, I wasn't seeing ghosts or anything.

Just make it mash.

Yeah, different film.

It's a very different.

I made good mesh.

That was for the bear initially.

It was for you.

It's got the sixth sense.

So I made amazing mash.

Yeah.

Bruce will just find me around and show him.

He's like, you know, I'm a ghost, right?

Who cares?

Look at the mash.

I think it's a big deal.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, Johnny.

See how you feel about it.

Well, who?

You want still water.

You want a French baguette with too much butter.

Yeah.

You want the carbonara from Florence.

You would like for your main the lamb macani from Habib's in Bradford with a chapati and pila rice.

Side dish.

The fish bakora also from habibs.

Drink a margarita from 20 stories in Manchester, but you want it 20 stories up in London.

And the dessert, you would like two sticky toffee puddings on the way home from school.

microwaved by your 10-year-old self.

And you're 10 when you have it?

Yeah, why not?

Yeah, in this world, memory.

I'm 10.

I'm 10.

Really delicious.

I desperately want to go to Habibs now.

Yep.

It is good.

If you're in Bradford, go to Habibs.

Next time I am in Bradford, and God willing, I will be, I'm going to go to Habibs.

City of Culture this year.

And I will say Johnny Pelham sent me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll say, I would like Johnny Pelham's order, please.

Oh, that, yeah, they probably.

I would like the Pelham.

No, that's confusing because your whole family has different orders.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you just get five coins.

Jesus Christ, right?

So much stuff.

Johnny Carbonara, thank you so much for coming on the Off Menu podcast.

It's been a great time.

What a great menu.

We'll see you soon.

Bye-bye.

Thank you, Johnny.

Goodbye.

Well, there we are.

Johnny Pelham.

What a lovely episode.

An honor.

A pleasure and a privilege.

A pleasure and a priv.

I think that is the most we've nearly led a guest to say it to choosing the secret ingredient.

And I hope the listeners will forgive me that I basically came clean and said to Johnny, that is the secret in your life.

I think we had to.

Because, look, he hadn't heard of it.

He wasn't going to choose it.

It wasn't going to be on his menu.

But we were almost telling him, like, no, you'd like him, Johnny.

Yeah, yeah.

He was like, oh, I might try one.

And I thought that might happen when I brought up

salt friche.

When I brought up saltfish fritters.

Because you made them sound similar.

You were saying similar.

Well, they are.

I mean, I guess it's a similar sort of base.

It's like batter-based, right?

But I thought that might happen, but I thought, surely James isn't cruel enough to try and lead him down.

I wasn't going to try and lead him on behalf of the camera.

And then I remember what I was dealing with.

I thought we've got to clarify that these aren't Johnny cakes.

Yes.

So I clarified it, but then obviously I'd forgotten why we'd chosen Johnny Cakes because his name was Johnny.

So obviously Johnny was then like, oh, yeah, Johnny cakes.

Johnny cakes, that's me.

What are those?

Oh, they sound nice.

I might try one.

I was like, uh-oh.

Uh-oh, he's going to put it on the menu.

What have I done?

Yeah.

This isn't fair.

It wasn't on the menu.

It wasn't.

For those people who still seem to think that the secret ingredient is if a guest mentions them at all, they're getting kicked out.

That would be crazy.

No, it's if it's on their menu.

If it's on their menu, why would it be if they just say it?

Yeah, it's that's that's crazy.

Thank you, Johnny.

That's crazy.

That's crazy stuff.

Johnny Pelham's fantastic.

So good.

Go and see Johnny do stand-up.

Yeah.

And Johnny's at the Edinburgh Fringe with his show, Is It Me?

Until the 25th of August.

For tickets, go to edfringe.com.

It might even be the Edinburgh Festival now.

Might be right now that you're listening to this episode.

So go and see Johnny's show.

Go and see Johnny's show.

Very, very funny man.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you next time.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.