Stevie Martin

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Hello and welcome to the Off Menu podcast.

Taking the...

I'm not sure I've...

I think I might have done this one before, James.

I'm going to do it anyway.

Okay.

The mint leaves of conversation.

Oh, it's not ringing any bells.

Muddling them in the glass with the muddler of humour.

I definitely haven't heard you say muddler before.

Adding the rum of content.

Mmm, Now it's sounding like a good time.

Maybe soda water.

How do you make a mojito?

Yes, it's soda water.

Soda water of internet.

Mojito.

It's a mojito.

It's a podcast hito.

Daddy Zed Gamble.

He's a podcast hito kind of guy.

My name is James A.

Caster.

Together we own a dream restaurant and we invite in every single week a guest.

We ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Stevie Martin.

Stevie Martin, a wonderful comic.

Wonderful online content as well, James.

Yes, Stevie Martin does it all.

Stevie Martin does it all.

Online, offline.

What else is there?

Midline.

Midline.

Midline.

Hey.

She's very, very funny.

Looking forward to speaking to Stevie.

Also a brilliant podcaster.

Part of the Plosive family.

The Plosive family, of course, the Nobody Panic podcast.

That she does with Tessa Coates.

She's under the Plosive umbrella.

She's under the wing of Benito.

Oh, yes, yes.

I imagine Benito having wings more than an umbrella, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Even though in real life,

he's more likely to be carrying an umbrella, but I imagine the Great Benito, the character of the Great Benito, have wings.

Have wings.

And it's a very safe place to be under the wing of Benito.

It is very safe.

Warm and safe.

And are there, baby birds?

Stevie Martin's new show, Clout, is on tour.

He absolutely hates that.

He doesn't like that.

Her new show, Clout, is on tour soon, so keep an eye out for that.

And just go and follow Stevie on social media as well.

She's very, very good.

And Stevie is on Taskmaster.

So that's very exciting.

Very, very exciting.

Because I'd say Stevie out of a lot of people I know is the sort of person who is always just slightly like one second away from a very funny meltdown.

Absolutely.

There's a reason why it's called Nobody Panic Podcast.

Yes.

It's absolutely applying to the hosts.

Yes.

And Stevie will panic.

And I don't know what's happened on Taskmaster.

No.

I guarantee the listeners right now, if they watch it, they're going to see Stevie Martin panicking.

Absolutely.

Of course, if there's a secret ingredient, Stevie really will be panicking because we're kicking her out the dream restaurant.

That is true.

And we've got a brilliant secret ingredient this time, James.

It's Stevie.

Stevie.

Stevia.

Stevia.

Suggested by the great Benito because Stevie's name is Stevie.

You pull that out of his wing.

Yeah.

And if you add an er, it's Stevia.

Stevia's a natural sweetener.

Oh, okay.

I didn't know what it was.

Yes.

And that's quite good, actually, because that is, you know, people don't really like sweeteners.

So it works on every level.

I think it's natural.

I'm pretty sure it's natural.

Yeah.

You know, I always need to check these things because I don't know if you've noticed about me, James.

I like to say things about food with huge confidence and quite often they're wrong and people get angry about it.

Really?

See, because I'm not like, you know, we said Stevie Martin rules the online.

I'm offline these days.

Yes.

I have no idea.

So I still think you're right about everything.

Yeah.

And I don't know that people call you out.

Correcting me all the time.

Really?

And correctly, you should correct me if I'm wrong.

Fair enough, but I'm walking around.

just regurgitating this shit and saying it to people and believing it.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, man.

I I've got you in real trouble over the years.

Yeah, I probably look like a right fool everywhere I go.

Yeah, that's true.

That's not my fault.

Yeah, I heard that's natural.

That's sweet.

Yep.

What the hell?

Hey, Castor.

Buddy, just mouth off again.

But if Stevie says Stevia, and that doesn't count her own name.

No.

If she says her own name a bit wrong, we're not going to kick her out.

We're going to let that stop.

Yeah, but if she says Stevia, she's gone.

So this is the off-menu menu of Stevie Martin.

Welcome Stevie to the Dream Restaurant.

Hello, I've got egg on me.

Welcome, Stevie Martin, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

You since toothpaste or egg.

It's toothpaste or egg, isn't it?

Toothpaste or eggs.

Toothpaste or egg, Stevie.

Bubba.

Toothpaste or eggs.

Egg Bob it up.

Yeah, it's on my shorts, so I'm thinking.

No, it's not.

It's on my lapel.

Is that on lapel?

No, that's the lapel.

The lapel's up there.

The lapel, isn't it?

For the listener.

I'd imagine it's...

It's to her knee.

Yeah, it was.

I'd imagine it's toothpaste given the the positioning of it.

Would you?

Who brushes the teeth around the side?

That's fairly low.

Yeah, I mean, that's like the bottom of your shirt mount to the side.

I think you've lent against something chalky.

Yes.

Yeah, or I've been eating egg and it's dropped into my lap.

That makes more sense.

Just to solve the mystery immediately.

It also doesn't look like egg, I would say.

It doesn't look like egg, no.

Yes, okay, fine.

But welcome.

Thank you.

I love the restaurant.

Thank you.

What can you see in the restaurant?

What's going on?

So it's a very chill vibe because I don't, I think there's a a place for your kind of

and that's fun too yeah but um i don't know

what you mean no pipes what's the what's the instrument what for the

drums

a recorder

this song recorder yeah

do you mean like like a fancy restaurant with like

yeah like a string quartet maybe yeah thank you um all right there's none of that i'm thinking it's kind of like regardless of the food I'm going to choose, you know, when you go to like a Mexican restaurant and you're like, yeah, I could I could hang here for ages and have some muggles and talk really loudly and there's there's like a chill relaxed but they're still gonna like bring your cutlery like you don't have to go and get your cutlery and like get your own water and then also do all your food and serve yourself like Lando's like you can still it's like it just feels relaxed there's like a good color scheme bright I'll be honest, what you describe there to me, apart from you saying it's chilled, does not sound chilled in the slightest.

Okay.

Because you said it's really loud and you're shouting at each other.

No, it's just that you can talk loudly, but there's not very loud music, so it doesn't escalate.

So it's just people, and maybe there's like candle light.

Um, it was bright, yeah, bright.

Yeah, I did say bright, the lot of colours, a lot of candles, there's a lot of candles, sort of like five per table.

It's quite dangerous, it's quite dangerous.

I feel very relaxed for boiling, okay.

Yeah, there's a window open.

Um, and I don't know.

Candles keep blowing out, yeah,

booths, booths, booths, booths, yeah, nice, fine.

I saw, I can, I can envision it.

There's a place in Soho called El Cameon.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

And it's not great.

But it's actually, no, it is great.

It's not relaxed.

Is it good, though?

This will be a theme.

I'm not going to be able to come down hard on either option.

There's booths.

And when you go in there, you're just like, yeah, I could hang here.

Rather than that, like, I've got an hour and a half slot and I simply must leave.

Yeah.

And it's Instagrammable.

You know, it's not Instagrammable.

It's like a chill.

I keep saying the word chill.

You can say chill.

Yes.

It's really chill.

Yeah, you'd like a chill i just want to be more chill a chill booth yeah so that i mean i understand that you would like a chill booth chill booth to have your meal in yeah with friends what friends yeah oh wow

who's the guest list of the dream meal the guest list of my dream meal william shakespeare of course um your friend my friend and uh my friend unfortunate name there was a guy in my school and called michael jackson yeah yeah how was michael jackson as a as a person your friend i'm talking about he had some problems

yeah quite early on.

I don't think you'll mind me saying we didn't know each other.

Um, I didn't speak to him because of his name, obviously.

People won't be able to find him out because this isn't the baby reindeer situation.

People google him, they're just gonna, yeah, not a googleable name.

Did he go by Mike?

No, he went by like Michael.

It was like, call me Michael.

Michael,

the king of pop.

Yeah, Michael the King of Pop.

Yeah.

Poor guy.

Not his fault, of course.

Oh, it is.

If you ask me, called Michael.

Yeah, that's true.

The dream guest you've asked me for.

Well, I'll have to say Michael Jackson now, but I don't want to.

Okay, great.

I think you don't have to say.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Actual friends, that'd be, I think, a nice...

My friend Kayell really likes food and has many opinions on food.

Yes.

He's quite good to have because...

We've heard all of them.

Oh, he's been on this podcast.

Of course he has.

Yeah, he did tell me, of course he has.

Didn't he bring tequila or something?

No.

No, we had whiskey here.

It was an evening record and I think the record was about three hours long

because we started drinking whiskey.

Great.

That might be happening today.

I don't want to do that.

No.

I'm a very efficient woman.

I'm in and out.

And I don't like whiskey.

That's how I like to approach restaurants as well.

Just to let you know.

Just let you know.

I'm in and out, despite saying my dream meal, you can hang for as long as possible.

And I don't like whiskey.

Right.

I see.

I've got to have more opinions.

No,

Kyell.

Just me, Kyle.

My friend Lola, because she just doesn't hang about when she's ordering.

Again, very chill.

And then William Shakespeare, of course, because I think he'd be very out of place.

Yeah, I think so.

I think he'd be out of place anywhere in 2024.

Yeah, possibly, actually.

Although some people on Twitter still talk like, you know, Milady and all of that, don't they?

Those men.

How would William Shakespeare react that a lot of his language has been taken on by incels?

He'd say an uncle.

Yeah, no, he'd love it.

Maybe he's the original incel.

Yeah, I think he is, to be fair.

Romeo and Juliet.

She's very young.

Just something to think about.

Is that an incel thing?

I don't know.

No, that's a pedot thing, isn't it?

And we're back to Michael Jackson.

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, allegedly,

which one we talked about before.

Just to be clear.

He wasn't my friend.

He was three years below me, and I never spoke to him.

Yeah.

But you just knew that you knew of him because his name was Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson, I went to him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone in my school knew about Chris Peacock because his, yeah,

he wasn't in my year, but everyone called him Crispy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My grandma was called Chris Martin

as in CarPlay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your grandma?

Yeah.

You know that your name's similar to us a little bit as well.

No.

I'll leave it in.

Yeah, it is quite similar.

So yeah, that's mine.

William Shakespeare, Kaylee and Lola.

Nice.

I like to keep it short.

Tessa not making the cut, husband not making the cut.

No.

Oh, yeah.

No, no.

He's sort of a like fuel, food as fuel.

Oh, really?

Really difficult.

It annoys me when, because he's clearly in very good shape as well and you're like that's

I think he's in he's in media as in like he's naturally quite lean looking

but he's yeah I think I mean he swims a lot does that mean he's in good shape I'm gonna say if someone says your husband's in good shape you just go yeah but uh James did say

yeah so there were two uh there were two sides you could have taken there and you very much went with James I think I did I think I just had to yeah he's in great shape but it is food as fuel he is he takes the piss off hue quite a lot but I think he would benefit quite a lot from that just sometimes he is like

food as fuel cute as heel quite it's quite upsetting but sometimes you know when i'm trying to make it like it's it's up to me often to suggest what we're eating for dinner because he'd be like oh anything yeah no i as you've seen i do need direction otherwise i will take everyone's opinion and then sort of get very hot

um does he mean that does he mean that when he says everything though oh really um occasionally i mean if i was like i don't know a cheese slice and an onion he'd be like like, well, not that, obviously.

Yeah.

But yeah, he will sort of, he calls it shovel it in food.

He'll just be like, yeah, I'll have some shovel it in food.

It's like,

but what about taste?

Yeah, taste food.

Yeah.

Table bed taste.

Because when I have that chat with my wife, she'll say, what do you want to eat?

And I'll say, well, what do you want to eat?

And she'll say, oh, anything.

And then we go on an hour-long conversation where I suggest things and we slowly narrow it down to the one thing she definitely wants.

Yes.

No, that is also.

I'll tell you what, everyone loves marriage in this room.

I love it.

Very happily married.

Just if we got to cook a meal.

Actually, really easy to cook a meal.

I've got to cook them anyway.

I think I was just saying a bonita.

It's got some squares in.

Bonitas in a civil partnership.

Yeah.

I'm technically inside the partnership.

Yeah, so is Stevie.

Yeah.

It doesn't count.

I want to ask about that.

I think you guys are cool.

Yeah.

Oh, you got fully married?

Yeah, fully married.

Old school.

Don't be sorry.

Had a great time.

Very tied up.

He sang hymns at his wedding.

Was there a priest?

Yes, there was a priest.

A bishop.

It was

Bishop 2-2.

Okay.

No, it was just,

as Charlie referred to her before we met her, as a goober from the council.

And then it turns out she's a lovely lady called Lucy.

You'll feel bad when you meet him in the nose.

Making fun of you for weeks.

Our ceremony was very short.

There was a 30-rock quote, and then we finished.

Did you?

Flaming lips down the aisle.

Oh, that's good.

That's very cool.

Very on-brown.

Yes, she got infection.

I was going to say about Throsh.

I was like, don't say that.

Sometimes, I mean, there's not many guests that would actually just say that, but I'd normally have to wait until after the episode and say to James, I wanted to say that then.

Yeah.

Then I'll have a good laugh.

That's the benefit of being me.

I get all the extra stuff.

I benefit because I get all the bad humor after the shows.

I'm a lucky boy.

Most people don't get the full Ed Gamble treatment.

You should do off menu the extra bite or the after the party digital.

Second helps.

Second help.

You've already done that many desserts yeah to be fair well it was just puddings it was called no loads of people got annoyed at that they were like they were saying it should be just desserts

christ

sometimes it's about the low-hanging fruit yeah isn't it and of course you're going on tour with clout yes uh the show that you did at edinburgh and what do you tell the listeners edinburgh went so well that i was just like i think i've got to go on tour i've never been on a tour before you've both done tour are they good do we like them depends each their own and see how you feel about it well james um hates touring right i think i'd be like that yeah you love it well i do i do yeah i quite like it yeah i quite like it once i'm in the rhythm of it okay but i do do a lot of just eating nandos in dressing rooms in my in market towns quite like to do that yeah yeah yeah yeah um i did a i used to never really gig outside of london because i was just frightened of um

uh i don't really know traveling and then i'd done a quite a few before i'd read quite a few previews outside of london and would do like a like a bunch of them and and travel around often known as what a tour would be like um found it quite fun i think i'm quite good on my own i think i'm quite don't have to like make decisions based on what other people want to do simply just like i'd like to eat that now and i'm not ashamed of it yeah love crisp dinners with different flavors so the different courses

yeah i did i had truffle crisps something that i've got really into this year i never really ever honestly i don't think i'd ever bought a packet of crisps until this year well that's a huge revelation yeah i've never actually gone and bought a packet of crisps myself

They're always around.

Not always.

They're always around.

But like, I'd take someone else's or I'd be like, oh, a lovely bowl of crisps.

Or at a buffet, for example, or a party.

But I have tortilla chips, loads, but not actual like flavoured crisps.

And this year, I've really got into that.

So this is your thing this year?

It's my thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was ready salted.

Oh, prawn cocktail for starters, ready salted for your main, and then and then whatever, like

a different shape for dessert.

Yeah.

Hula hoops.

So that's a crisp dish

that you have on tour.

I think it's mad to have ready salted as a main.

Prawn cocktail as a starter.

Beautiful thing.

Yeah, because it's like prawns.

Yeah.

Little things from the 70s.

Like prawn cocktail.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like the starter prawn cocktail.

Yeah.

Named after.

What the f?

Okay, yeah, sure.

Ready salted, palate cleanser, and you can eat it without getting bored.

Really?

I get bored immediately.

Or you're like, oh, fuck.

Yeah, obviously ready salted as a side dish, like a bowl of chips.

See, I would have chips as a main and do quite regularly, but I'm not a bland person.

It's just, it's all about the dip.

I would get dips as well.

So you'd get like hummus.

That's it.

Hummus.

It was dependent.

I couldn't find a lot of good salsa if I could, but prawn cocktail and salsa is pretty bad.

I think you're going to have a great tour.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to be, I'm going to have a heart attack within about four days and some sort of salt, sodium imbalance.

Massive vitamin deficiency.

Acute scurvy.

Yeah, yeah.

That I'll get like I'm a sailor, which is the true tour.

We always start with still sparkling water.

Stevie, what would you like?

I like, I've only recently got into sparkling.

Uh-huh.

Same time as the crisps?

My God, yes.

Yeah, wow.

You're having quite the year.

I'm having a massive gastronomical year.

And I've got into it, but I quite like it when it goes flat because it doesn't taste like still water.

It's still got that like aftertaste.

So I'd quite like, I suppose, flat sparkling.

Sparkling water has been there for a while, so it's not so like edgy.

Right.

Quite spiky.

That's kind of mad, isn't it?

That when it goes flat, it doesn't taste like normal water.

Like what are they putting?

What are they putting in?

Whatever they use to carbonate it is still floating around in there dead.

Yeah, it's like the out-breath of the gas.

CO2.

Carbon dioxide just floating around in the water.

That's what you want.

That's what I want.

I'd say this is the earliest red flag we've ever had in an episode.

For someone's menu.

Okay, okay.

No one has managed to make the water course sound disgusting yet.

And this is the first time.

Have you had flat?

I really don't like it.

Okay.

I don't like the flat, the flat, fizzy water.

I don't mind it.

Okay, great.

I actually prefer.

There's some still sparkling waters that are less carbonated.

Interesting.

That are a bit softer.

Let's try after.

Yeah, sorry.

So I want a list of those.

Backwai.

Badois.

Badois.

Not backwa, because that's short for backwash, probably, isn't it?

badwa badois okay i'll have that then yeah yeah you want that less gas no no no you're you're getting your flat sparkling water that's what you're getting for your dream your dream meal yeah i do want that yeah yeah that's what you're having thank you and also that means as well that people around the table who are with me william shakespeare or whatever because oh my god sparkling water would blow his mind it would it would then allow everyone else to partake yeah because they they wouldn't it's like the water would be slightly off but they wouldn't quite know why it tastes like gone off water that's what it is you know when a hummus goes quite lemony and you're like yeah i still will.

But, like, I shouldn't.

And you want that.

Yeah, gone off water.

Well, we haven't yelled about my side dish yet.

Yeah.

But it will be gone off hummus.

It's quite, it's quite nice when it's lemony.

As long as I put lemon juice in the hummus to make it taste like it's gone off a bit.

But hummus tastes fizzy when it's gone off, I think.

Well, yeah.

It's the only thing that gets more sparkling as time goes on.

That's so true.

Yeah, still sparkling dips.

Do you like other carbonated drinks when they go flat?

Because I do like it when like, you know, colas go flat and stuff like that.

I

like that.

I I like that as well I used to work in a bar and the and when the thing would be off and everyone like oh the syrup it's just syrup that'd be the drink just the syrup just the syrup with red wine

that was very quick yeah it's called a calamacho yeah it's it's it's spizzy uh for a couple of it's not the syrup no no but calamacho is half and half yeah coke and red wine yeah yeah so i just do that with but a little bit less syrup you're doing it like a barista with a shot of espresso but you're doing it with the with the coke it's like an espresso wine tini

there you heard it here

an espresso wine tini it's got nothing to do with espresso

the wine's in there but that's fine i used to drink um

uh uni bailey's and uh coke mix it up tastes like cake mix looks like vomit yeah doesn't bailey's curdle when it oh terribly yeah yeah so there's loads of photos in the early facebook years of me at clubs that look like i've just been sick in my own glass you were ordering that at at clubs yeah yeah

yeah it would be actually only clubs because in bars, like people would have opinions, whereas in clubs, it's like, yes, what next one?

They'd be like, what?

Oh, yeah, okay, fine.

And they wouldn't have judgment.

And they didn't have order anything.

And after the first time you did it, they knew exactly what you were going to do.

She's like that again.

Here she fucking comes.

Yeah.

I kind of understand why your husband only eats for fuel now.

About you, seeing these

things constantly.

It's like, I'm all right.

I just need to survive.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I think there's a I have a lot of combination.

There's been, he did ask me if I could stop eating.

um

so i used to have like not all the time but just occasionally like kidney beans in a can drain them and then just put mayonnaise in pop it up eat down a fork and he was like can you stop just cat please can you stop or eat it in another room

so we were in like a studio flat for a while so that i couldn't eat that and then then we've moved into a slight like a two bed so then i'm able to take it to a bedroom you've got your bean in a mayonnaise room yeah yeah it's i think that only happens like twice a year yeah and it's normally when i'm like quite hungover or or like a bit morose.

In terms of hangover food, kidney beans in the tin with mayonnaise mixed in has got to be the worst.

That would make me feel, that would not be even sicker.

The thought of it would make you feel sick.

The actual reality of it, like with most things, is much better than you think.

As long as you don't get a bit of water in the,

you know, like the water that it's in, that makes you feel a bit sick.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop loves or bread, Stevie Martin.

Pop loves or bread.

Bread.

Bread.

Bread, French breuguette in a basket with a little gingham serviette.

The listener won't have seen the mime, but you just sliced it basically.

Yeah, just sliced it and I put it in.

I have some plastic slices, yeah.

And pop the little napkin.

I like a little bit of decoration.

Where are you putting the napkin?

Underneath the bread.

So I can't.

Yeah, because

every mime you've done of it, you've done a couple of mimes.

You've put the bread in the basket and then you've tried to slide the napkin underneath the bread.

That's how it's like a reverse tablecloth.

you know, being pulled out from underneath something.

Yeah.

You kind of somehow are getting the napkin underneath the bread that's already in the basket.

Would you not put the napkin in and then put the bread on top?

No, no.

No, that's part of the art.

And then also pop a napkin on top, just to stop the flies.

Okay.

It's a dream restaurant.

Stop the flies.

Where are you?

Oh, I'm in a, yeah, I'm in a, it's a dream restaurant, but it is next to a sewage plant.

I couldn't control the geography of the dream, the dream restaurant, sadly.

Is this warm?

This?

The bread?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But not too warm that you're like, ooh, ooh, it's just like, so the butter melts in.

I think that's classic, isn't it?

Like, that's, you simply must must have that.

Yeah, well,

where's it coming from?

Is it coming from a bakery?

Is it just coming from the package?

I don't want to know where anything has come from.

I have just no interest in where anything has come from.

I just want it to be here like I'm in it.

Like I'm the wizard.

It's a magical place.

Yes.

Or a genie.

Or a genie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For example.

I don't, I don't, like, yeah, I don't need to know.

farm to fork, you know.

I mean, I am a vegan, so that's, I don't know what's happening on the farm.

But like, I don't need to know any of that stuff it can just be I think cheap white bread is what I want in a restaurant rather than a sort of like you know when it arrives it's like whole meal you know I'm not interested in that you just want out and about like

I want baguette yeah I mean that's fair enough this butter yeah taught me through the butter vegan of course yeah so I was gonna I was toying with the idea of just being like well rather than be vegan just have what you would like and then just have a great time I'm allergic to dairy that's why and um I would have like a right time of it the next day or during the meal and but this is a fantasy land, but I still couldn't.

And there's some really good vegan butter, but you've got to salt it.

You've got to salt it.

Otherwise it just tastes like margarine from the 70s.

It's a real issue.

So I'd want it melted pats, little pats, obviously a napkin underneath.

And on a little tiny plate like this.

Yeah.

And it didn't show it.

Do you have a brand of, because like...

Flora buttery.

Flora buttery.

Yeah, it's really good.

Accidentally vegan.

So that is margarine.

That's probably margarine.

It probably is, isn't it?

It's a real shame.

What's that UPF?

Ultra-processed food?

I don't know.

That's apparently very bad for you.

There's a book out called like, don't eat that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've seen that book.

Yeah, yeah.

I've seen that book.

Don't eat that.

And it was all like vegan stuff is really bad for you.

And that's like tofu.

So it's a real shame.

That's a shame, actually.

That's horrible for the vegans to find out.

Because I imagine, you know, a lot of people buying that book are probably vegans.

Yeah.

They're thinking about what they're eating, but they also probably think, I'm on safe ground here.

Because we know that we've gone the better route than all these other people.

And then they're like, oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah.

I've already got my options limited.

And now I can't even eat this stuff because it's ultra-processed.

Turns out there's just no way of staying alive.

Turns out, yeah, there literally isn't.

The vegan cheese, like, what is vegan cheese made?

Like, it's made of nuts or coconut oil.

Like, how is it doing that?

Save your show material for the tour

because you don't want to waste it on this podcast.

You're right, you're right.

Okay.

Yeah, yes.

You don't want to waste it on the pod.

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Let's get into your meal proper, Stevie.

Your dream starter.

Is there a napkin?

It's just a napkin.

I have a real real issue with starters but i don't want to i do want more food at this point the problem i have with starters is that it's lose lose because it's either like

obviously

he loves starters i know but it's either it i love it and then it's too small so i'm like well now it's over and or i don't like it and it's take it's detracted my appetite from the main boy interesting and also to try and get it to collaborate with the main meal i find incredibly stressful and doesn't need so actually I just sort of would want some more bread

and maybe with oil and balsamic this time oh you're mixing it up but it's the baguette I don't think so I don't think so I think I think I think olive bread yeah and then just like other stuff in the bread like what's other stuff that goes in bread tomato bread yeah olive oil bread that's forced for

nut bread I was gonna say nuts like that walnuts all right I'll have a walnut bread garlic rosemary oh fucking hell that's great we can just bring you for your starter a bread a whole bread platter with all those breads yeah um in many baskets and then it's like tear and share you know everyone's everyone's like oh

they're not gonna be sharing that with you because they've all already had bread yeah they would probably like the stars

william shakespeare something tearing and sharing it's quite a lot of bread isn't it but i'm not i i i i do i'm really into bread and i just and i don't think it would fill me up enough for the main it means that there's still like a good warm-up for the main

interesting isn't it because i'd say a lot of our guests have bought up the main problem they have with the bread basket before the meal

is it fills them up but you've said i'm pretty sure that a bread platter will not fill me up after the bread basket i've had yeah

i see i see what you're saying um and i agree with it but i'm talking sort of like a taste journey so my taste buds won't have blown out yeah

when i'm tired out yeah tired out and i won't be like longing for the starter that's just gone and being like, well, I want more of that for my main.

Can I change it to a main?

You can't.

Like, I don't have to think about it.

I just, I just know that the main is going to be the main event.

But I had, that is a lot of bread.

But, I mean, on this, if we're talking about like a bread platter with all these different breads, you could put other things with it, like

different dips.

All right.

We're back at dip town now.

I think, well, I think most of my choices are going to be dips.

I'm really, I think dips is my sort of favorite food.

Yeah.

I love, I can't, I hate, I hate dry meals.

Do you you know, like when you're like, it needs a bit more juice going on, so that dips, I'm safe.

I could just have dips with a spoon.

That would be nice.

So you do, do you do that?

Were you eaten?

Oh, almost with a spoon.

Yeah, that's a thing, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well.

Almost with a spoon, a bit of olive oil on it.

I live with an Ashkima, yeah.

He used to eat a lock of yogurt.

Yeah, he's eating.

Right as well.

Yeah.

Sometimes a little bit of whole chickpeas on, if you feel like that's it.

I still visit him sometimes and there's like a completely, what I think has been like a pot of something that has been completely cleaned.

And then I realise it's not completely cleaned up upon closer inspection that it is still a little bit dirty but someone has completely like eaten all the hummus and I realize it's hummus yeah yeah it once contained hummus and that he's done it again he's wiped it he's done it again

it's it's an excellent it's just an excellent meal and it is a complete meal

What is your main course?

My main course, nachos.

Okay.

We've already had a shout-out for tortilla chips earlier on.

Do you want to take a moment to address the listeners who are currently there are going to be some people right i'm not one of them okay getting very frustrated with this menu

why they're going to think there's no way this can be her actual dream menu she she's a comedian she's just trying to be funny we know you're not we know you're not i don't think that's funny we know you're not come up with something way funnier if i was actually going to also we haven't heard about the the nachos yet we haven't heard any details there are going to be some people listening to this who are going to be, no way, this is a dream meal.

Two bread courses and then nachos.

It's flat water, flat fizzy water.

Yeah.

Two bread courses and now nachos.

They're going to be screaming at their dreams.

Okay, okay.

So address, just address that.

I'm going to address it.

I understand that.

I'm going to address it.

So, because I find that in restaurants, nobody does it properly.

And it really gets me.

I don't think I've ever been to...

El Cameon does a good job, actually.

I don't think I've actually been to a restaurant where

there's the right source to sort of bald tortilla chip ratio.

You either left with like, or you're like given loads of little pots of stuff to put on and it's like a thimble.

Yeah.

Or one of those little paper, those paper things.

That was.

Or there's like, like, I went to one the week and it had kimchi and hummus.

It was like, are you, are you high?

Like, that's not, that's not nacho.

That's just.

I bet you really enjoyed that though, really.

No, I hate that.

No, I don't.

I love hummus.

I wasn't, I didn't want that in that moment.

Like I wanted,

you know, and I hate, like I say, I hate dry food and nachos can be really dry.

And there's never enough cheese.

And I make excellent nachos.

It's the only thing I've ever served people when they've come out for dinner.

I've only had two dinner parties.

One was a takeaway.

We just got everyone to order a takeaway and I've paid for it.

And then the other one was nachos and just orders huge trays.

And it's like, you've got to get like, it's almost like chili concarne, but poured over.

And then you do like four layers,

grill it, don't microwave it.

Like, otherwise the cheese gets like adhesive,

gluey, more cheese than you want, jalapenos, sour cream guac on the side so that people can get their own ratio right.

But you're it's like huge salad bowls of the stuff, not like this tiny.

It's very close to what I used to do at one of the pubs I worked at, except we didn't put the guac and sour cream on the side, we just dolloped on the top.

But everything else...

What pub did you like?

Star in Geddington.

Oh, no, I've never been there.

Nachos, that beef chili stuff.

Layered that up, dumped loads of cheese all over it.

But there's nothing better.

Drilling it, not microwaving, but then we dollip the sauce on the top, which

for jalapenos that's fine if there's enough right if there's enough yeah that's fine when you you're talking about the bald the the bald tortilla chips the bald chose

yeah so how many of those should there be if any every single i'll refer to it as a cho should should have the right ratio of your hot sauce your sort of chili concarni sauce it should have like a tiny little bit of guac a tiny bit of sour cream covered in cheese and salsa every single one every single one you should be able no bald ones you should be able to distribute that the sauce distribution should be even throughout even if it's not you can like mix stuff around yeah are you eating this with a fork i think you should i think there should be enough spatial um awareness of you and also enough room on the chip to be able to dip i think you should be able to dip but you can maybe have a fork if you must revert to that but that just means that you've eaten it wrong i think aren't they getting a bit soggy with all the chips yeah well let's talk about the sog because surely the bottom layer is going to be is going to be soggy as all not if it's been done and not been sat in its own juices for it it shouldn't be sat in its own juices you should be making it to order what is your technique to get this right because this i mean people have been listening to this going if i try to do this at home it's going to sog up i'm not going to get it so that there's every chip has got enough stuff on it and a little gripping point on the chip where i can always a gripping point but how are you doing this because people This could change people's lives.

If you're pulling this off at home, and I am regularly.

And you're not even using a fork, you're able to dip these after they've been in the chili concani this is this is incredible yeah it's all about the reduction of the chili concane you've got to reduce that so it's like it's not got any liquid bubbling around it's almost dry but it's not that's so you're basically cooking the chili concani longer than you think and then when it goes into the grill you're talking like five minutes that's not enough for it to to collapse under the weight of the water or the sauce like it's still retaining stability it's still got a core and because you're doing layers,

it's not like all of them in the middle are all, like they're all kind of helping each other to encase the sauce.

Like you've got your chips and there's a lot kind of go.

And also like as well, you don't put on as much sauce as you think as well.

Because you've got to think, and obviously don't put your guac and your sour cream before you put it in the grill.

That's mad.

You just do the chili concani, the cheese.

Sounds like you've done that before.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

And then you've made a stew.

You've made like a lasagna.

Yeah.

And also what's nice as as well is when you add the colder dips, that cools everything down a little bit.

So you're not like, oh, yeah.

And do you want to, for the fellow vegans listening, recommend what to use for the chili?

Yeah.

So talk us through, because obviously your dream nachos are going to be vegan nachos.

They are going to be vegan because I've never had anywhere close to good vegan nachos anywhere.

So they have to be.

Yeah.

It's like I quite like...

There's a mince called Moving Mountains, I think, which is really nice.

Corn's got a weird...

Corn's got quite a spark, flat, sparkling water flavor to it.

It's got a bit of a like, what's going on here?

And I don't want that in my nachos.

So Moving Mountains is really nice.

Also, you want like just a simple cheese like Vio Life Cheddar or something, just something that's just like not got any aftertaste.

Never get, never get a supermarket vegan cheese because they taste like play-doh.

They've got the consistency of play-doh and they taste like play-doh.

And like a horrible kind of like

underneath it.

I mean, eating like, oh,

like that noise, butter taste.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That noise, butter taste.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that sort of checks out.

That's fine.

Guacamole, my mum makes amazing guacamole.

And so the recipe is like we just mash, it's not, you know, oh God, you know, in like in restaurants, and the guacamole is like chopped.

Yeah.

It's like chopped and then and chopped avocado and then bits of onion and then like some cilantro or whatever, coriander, and that's it.

And you're like, no, so we mash it up.

You mash up the avocado with onion, mayonnaise, little bit of mayonnaise, more vegan mayonnaise, lemon juice, and then shitloads of garlic, like so much garlic, and then a bit of salsa for a bit of kick from just a pot, just the pot of salsa that you've got hanging around.

Old El Paso is fine.

And then you mix it all up and

it's just delicious.

That's a wild guacamole recipe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's wild.

That's really good.

During the Edinburgh Festival, everyone always talks about going to the old.

Is it the old?

Who took me there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're like this.

Bonita loves this.

Yeah, they're massive.

And there's vegan ones as well.

Oh, are there?

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah, Benito lost his mind when I just said that.

Yeah, really, really.

It's so good.

That's got to be like a week four thing.

Otherwise, you can't really recover

from it.

Yeah, that's just excellent.

That's actually, yeah, you're right.

That's the only place I've been where I've been like, that is what I expect.

Right.

I've been served what I expect.

Thank you.

So maybe those, but in the dream restaurant.

But with so much bread.

I regret it.

The bread, I can't tell you how much I regret the bread.

It's too late now.

Because the answer is simply, I don't want to start it, but I wanted to, I did it.

I had to say something.

I mean, I would say a classic starter is natural.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Shit.

Especially if you're with friends.

You can share.

Yay.

I suppose I have bread for my main course.

Christ.

Yeah.

Okay.

That is that.

Thank you.

Because I was wondering why I couldn't think of a starter and it's because I only like big starters as my main.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You're doing a side dish, Steve.

Is it our old friend bread again?

No, it's gotta be.

No, it would have to be something that complemented it.

So you're looking for something fresh.

You're looking for something, but not boring.

Patron Peppers.

Nice.

That's good, innit?

That came to you like a bolt from the blue, though.

It did.

Yeah.

Another starter, to be fair.

Okay.

Patron Pepper's usually classically a starter.

Is it?

Yeah.

I'd say, yeah, starter, or it's just tapas dishes.

What's a side dish?

Patron Peppers as a side dish.

It's your meal.

I'd like to throw this to you.

What would you have as a side side dish for nachos?

Just

nachos as a main.

Yeah.

The thing is, then I'm thinking, you are thinking in the realm of Padre and Peppers because you're thinking, I basically got a starter for a main.

So then you're like, I'm doing bits.

Yeah, I'm doing bits on my mind.

I'm going to get some chicken strips.

Jalapeno poppers.

That's good.

Okay, I want to change my answers.

Yeah.

Yeah, because a bit of like breaded sort of, you know, deep fried.

Yeah, that's great.

You got jalapenos and cheese on the nachos.

Again, I've been foiled by it.

And it would have to be like vegan cream cheese in the middle.

I don't know how you feel about that.

Sometimes it can be okay.

The Philadelphia vegan is actually okay.

I mean, it's just the texture is the same.

It's quite cold-tasting.

So, yeah.

I thought Padron Peppers was

a good shout.

No, it was more just like, I don't actually think when Push comes to Shove, I know what a side dish is.

Broccoli.

Yeah.

But you could have, oh, that is actually, yeah, for the best.

I mean, any type of veg,

local vegetables.

All right.

I do quite like that tenderstem broccoli.

I thought you were going to say chips because she's telling how much you love them at the start.

I know.

But I thought that, but that's not really...

That does sound like I'm just...

Nachos and chips is insane.

It is insane.

After two loaves of bread.

Yeah, which actually, to be honest, now I'm thinking about it, it is quite on-brand because

I do get excited about the bread.

And I am then feeling a bit sick about that.

Like a salad or something?

Kidney beans and mayonnaise.

Kidney beans and mayonnaise on the side.

How about that on the side?

There's probably kidney beans in the nachos in the side.

Yeah, it is, but I have been known to put some grated cheese in that.

Another thing, just some rice and soy sauce.

That's okay, though, isn't it?

Just rice and soy sauce is okay.

It's a snack.

It's not gross.

Oh, you used to eat that sometimes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You don't want that as your side dish.

Well, it's not gross.

It's odd that that's sure.

That's a snack.

Is it odd?

Because I think I would say that's quite straightforward.

They go together.

Yeah, they go together.

Yeah, it's just like I can't be bothered to make you know a stir-fry.

So I'll just get the components.

Rice and soy sauce.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

All the components of a stir-fry.

All the components of a stir-fry.

Very carby, isn't it?

Okay, no, I will stick with...

I'll go Padron Pepper Poppers.

Oh, nice.

There we go.

Don't think it's ever been done before.

Surely not.

So cream cheese in the Padre and Peppers and breadcrumbs all around?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Padron Pepper Poppers.

Yeah.

Padron Pepper Poppers.

So you never had that before.

No, I didn't.

So you've just invented

it.

No.

Yeah.

Someone must have made that.

People have made weirder things.

I think people have stuffed a Padre and Pepper before.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Peter Piper.

Peter Piper did it.

It's very good.

Thank you.

That's what the restaurant's called.

Invite him to your meal.

Do you think he'd get on.

Do you think Peter Piper would get on?

He's going to flip his lid when he sees the fucking peppers, isn't he?

He's going to be like, can I not have one day where people don't try and give me peppers?

Everywhere I fucking go.

He's better not be pickled.

Oh.

Pickled Padre Peterson.

Shakespeare, just like steadily pushing the plate to one side.

Yeah.

Into the bin.

What's the medieval version of nachos?

Mutton?

What's the medieval version of nachos?

I don't know.

Potatoes and mutton.

Yeah, potatoes and mutton, I think, yeah.

Yeah.

Your dream drink, Stevie Martin.

Okay.

I recently found what my drink is

of like what I could order in a bar and be like, yeah, that is, that is what I want.

to drink.

I really like vodka martinis that are extra dry.

So very like very little vermouth.

So little that you can't really taste it.

And really dirty with loads of olive brine in it.

And that won't go with nachos.

But I've got the sparkling water to, I suppose.

So yeah, that's, I think that's my favorite.

I can't have the lemon martini.

And also lots of people are really rude to you when you order that.

And so I went to a meeting in Soho House and I was like, well, this is the time to order my martini specifically.

And she went, you can't have it extra dry and extra dirty.

And I was like, like, but I can.

Why?

And she went, that's not how you have them.

And I was like, okay.

And then, and then I was like, well, I think you can because I've had them in other places.

And then they came back and she'd done it so full of vermouth.

It was like a little glass of vermouth.

It was like, okay.

I fucking hate those places.

Yeah.

It was like 25 pounds.

So like, come on, man.

Why would you, why would you do that?

Every member's club fucking fuck themselves.

Absolutely hate it.

Thank you.

Telling you how you have your martini.

It's not how it's done and passive aggressively doing the opposite that you asked for.

Yeah.

Even though it's like more expensive than anywhere else.

And you probably had to, someone had to pay a membership to get there.

They would have to at least sign you in.

But maybe you're a member of their...

I'm not.

What I should do is I should go to Zoha House and order a pint of wine with some Coke syrup in it.

Yeah.

Do that.

And then just stare at her unblinkingly.

Calamacho, please.

Calamacho, please.

Yeah.

Push yourself.

You had

those martinis at your wedding party.

The Stevie Martini.

The Stevie Martini.

Of course.

Come on.

I made little posters.

Yeah.

I had loads of them.

Telling people.

The problem is with martinis, because I take big sips.

Oh, they are off.

Everyone was very drunk.

So I was like, and then I was queuing for the bar.

I got my Stevie Martini.

And by the time I'd walked away from the bar, I'd drunk it.

Yeah.

So then I had to go get him to get two at a time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They also didn't really know what to do to make, I had to teach them beforehand to make it behind the bar and bring my own olives.

And then they had to go to Tesco's halfway through to get more because I've got a lot of stuff.

That's a good, good part.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I might have that or a calamacho just to balance it out because I've obviously really, you know, gotten hard on that.

We've let people have multiple drinks on this.

So if you want a calamacho at some point.

Yeah, I think I'll start with a calamacho and then go into the vodka martini later.

Do you genuinely like calimacho?

Is there something you do?

I do.

Not syrup, but like Diet Coke and red wine.

I haven't had it in a long time, but I went to my old uni last year and was like, oh my God.

And then onto the bar and they were like, we don't do wine anymore.

And I was like, oh, this is a disaster.

Then I actually did.

I went to All Bar One and

had some there.

And yeah, people are very strange when they don't like it when you order it.

They don't like it.

Well, it's just not a thing here, I don't think, really, is it?

It's not a thing.

It's very Spanish.

It's very, it's too.

I'm too, I'm a very Spanish person.

You're too Spanish.

I've often said this about you, Stevie.

It's a huge battle within me.

But there's a restaurant around the corner from where I now live that actually has Calamacho on the menu.

And it's

literally it is a thing underneath.

It's just nice.

And it's nice.

But yeah, it it's it's like um it tastes a bit like Dr.

Pepper, I think.

I had it in the Basque Country for Travel Man.

So the first time I ever had a colon macho was on camera a lot of pressure.

And I came back and told my nephews about it.

They got very excited.

I wanted to make it a barbecue and they asked me, can you film us for Joe Lysip, please?

So he can see us.

So they did it.

And they were very, you know, like...

primary school kids, but very professional all of a sudden in front of the camera.

They did the whole making it thing.

And then I remember when they made it, they went, and now to taste.

they had it.

Like bartenders did.

Yeah, yeah, it was good.

I had it when I did a Spanish exchange trip when I was 15 or 16.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My Spanish exchange, Jesus, showed me how to make it.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Did you get on?

You and Jesus?

Yeah, we got on big time.

That's good.

Yeah, he's a metalhead.

When he came to stay in England, he walked up.

We went to pick him up from the school and he walked up to my mum and said, Hello, I am Jesus.

And she went, I think we'll stick with Jesus.

excellent i like him calamacho of course that's quite young to start on the calamacho's yeah a gateway a gateway to wine i suppose yeah that's how i really got into wine was via calamacho yeah hey zeus are you noticing that there's some like uh

are you getting some like fruity appetastes i guess this one it's very coke

i think that's great that's my favorite part your menu so far yes because the other one was just bread everything Everything else has been...

I like bread.

I'm into the bonkers, but like, this is

I'd still eat it all.

Your whole menu, I'd eat it.

Okay, sure.

But this is, I want that now that I drink.

Right.

You can at any point.

Belito won't let us.

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Your dream dessert, Stevie.

Right.

When I look at the menu and there's a chocolate thing, I will always just be like, well, I've got to go for that.

But I'm actually not going to go for that because

I think, so recently I had like a really good, we were on like one of them package, we were on a package holiday type thing and we're in like the cantini bit where you're just getting our stuff and they had vegan apple pie or like vegan friendly apple pie with a custard that you could have.

It was also weirdly on the same night that we were convinced that Neil Morrissey was there as well.

What a night.

And then we had to look up where he was and he was like doing a West End show and we're like, oh, but he's got me.

And then we saw the night same day we're like that is it couldn't look less like Neil Morrissey just a weird thing to just see Neil Morrissey very specific so I just remember because I was really enjoying the apple pie while I'm like looking at Neil

it wasn't Neil it wasn't Neil sorry his name might be Neil but um

it wasn't for me to say uh yeah really like old style like deep dish chunky apple sweet but not you've got a bit the sour notes coming through and take the time to buy some vegan custard because it's actually really nice.

And no one ever, no one ever offers you anything else when you've got a vegan dessert.

They're like, that's surely enough.

You're like, oh, did you get a little vanilla ice cream for the lady?

Yeah, yeah.

It's for the lady.

And then it's quite like, it's often sorbet.

It doesn't go.

You've only got sorbet.

Like, I'll put fucking mango sorbet on an apple pie.

Like, that's fucking awful.

No.

Yeah.

I mean, that sounds very nice.

Thank you.

Piping hot?

Lukewarm, I think.

I don't want it too hot because then everything just melts immediately.

And you're like,

And the custard?

Cold?

Is that fine?

Yeah, yes.

Okay, yeah, cold's fine.

That's what I'd do.

Cold custard with hot apple pie, yeah.

Yeah, that's the best combo.

Of course, then you, yeah, you don't want it hot and hot.

No, some people do.

Some people get very angry at even suggesting the notion of putting cold custard on a hot apple pie.

That's just so much heat

for your dessert as well.

That's not good.

They're wrong.

They're wrong.

They are.

I think they are.

They're not very broad-minded people.

Yeah, I understand.

That's fine.

And then some bread on it or something.

I don't know.

And then a napkin.

How do you feel about the overall beigeeness of your menus?

Yeah, I'm quite horrified by it because I think what this is doing is it's and quite right, understandably, presenting me as this person who like just has like the palate of a child.

But it's really not true.

It's just that I, it was either that or like a roast dinner.

And I just thought, like, but I can, I can make a, like, I've had so many nice vegan roast dinners out.

You can get

I just have never had the nachos It's very unhealthy, but also you could have had the nachos as your starter and then done the roast dinner That wouldn't have gone with imagine

ordering nachos as a starter and then having a roast dinner I just don't think that compliments it I think that's nice

right God it really opened my mind I'm not sorry I've not been I've never been to a restaurant before

I think that would be nice that would be nice

El Camille

yeah

repeatedly every week because I think actually I have had starters and they've been like bruschetta but that is just bread as well.

That's actually Italian nachos.

You've got your base and you've got your tomato.

Yeah.

But at least if you'd said bruschetta, then we wouldn't have been like you've got bread again.

That would be brochetti.

This is like bread with a skirt on or that is.

I understand.

How are you?

Did you put it underneath?

Do you put the tomatoes underneath?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put the it round it.

The yeah, it's it's horrifying when confronted with how beige that meal is.

It's quite true to a lot of diets of vegans that I know though.

I don't have that sort of diet.

Okay.

Like I don't you wish you did.

Maybe it's when I go out and I'm like well in my worst, you know,

in my worst restaurants are always like I basically don't have any choice.

So I end up having a sort of like a stuffed pepper that's got couscous in it with some vegetables.

And it's like, and that's fine.

No matter where I am, it's like, that's fine.

Or there's like a fucking burger.

It's always a like everyone has a burger and chips.

And actually really nice, but I'm quite fed up of just having that.

And also I'm quite, the sadness in other people's eyes when they see there's not enough vegan options.

It's like I've, I like affect the, the vibe of the hang.

And so I suppose this is sort of like, well, hang on.

I can actually just eat like a pig, like a little piggy when I'm out and just have like, you know, all the bread, all the hearty, ridiculous stuff that I don't ever get to have.

So really go for it.

But I will be knocked out.

Like you're not going out after this or having after drinks.

Like I'm asleep.

That's what the booth will come in really handy.

This is true.

I can just slide down.

Yeah, because I can't.

Slide down.

Oh, yeah.

No, I was thinking, slide off the seat and curl up underneath the table, but that's not the best.

That's not what I meant by what the booth would be handy.

No, you could do that for the first time.

Yeah, you can do that on the table.

The floor will be handy.

You've got Kyle and Bill Shakespeare there.

You don't want to be like

the table.

I think he'd be okay with it.

He's quite a chill guy.

We went to have my first ever Pie and Mash the other day.

At a Pie and Mash place then with, because

Carl had never had Pie and mash before and we went to like a place and so that but then everyone got very angry because apparently it wasn't a specific pie and mash place right it was really nice yeah that would have been another one actually gravy pie and mash because that doesn't feel very vegan things that don't feel vegan i'm very interested in like an apple pie you don't think it was vegan bread you do

basically i just had a bit of a breakdown and said bread a lot

because i you know i'm i'm a i'm a varied woman but it hasn't come through

well let's see i'll read your menu back to you now you can see how you feel about it.

I don't like it.

Flat sparkling water.

I don't want it.

Okay, as we go through.

As we go through.

I've tried to be truthful.

I was just specifically like, I'm not going to go for the joke.

And then halfway through, you were like, you sound like you're making me top.

Okay, go on.

But each one, I want to hear whether you want to change it and why you're embarrassed by it, okay?

Thank you.

Yeah.

You want a French baguette with salted vegan butter?

That's fine.

Gingham servio.

That's absolutely fine.

I back that.

Starter.

Bread platter with olive oil and balsamic and dips.

No, I think I'd swap that for like a cheese board.

A vegan cheese platter.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

So they're a vegan cheese board.

A vegan cheese board.

Yeah, with like crackers, so it's less bread.

It's not going to be a bread.

Main course nachos.

I want to change it to a roast dinner.

Okay.

You would.

The nachos was the centrepiece of this whole episode.

No, no, no.

I know.

No, no, okay.

I'll stick with them nachos.

Okay.

And then for starter, tiny roast dinner.

Okay, so changing the starter again now.

Sorry, changing that.

Tiny roast dinner.

Completely, yeah.

So,

very, very short amount of time.

Side dish, page and pepper poppers.

That does sound delicious when you send it back to me.

I was like, yes, please.

I'd like to left.

Drink a Stevie Martini.

Great.

That's the only thing I've ever done.

And a calamacho earlier in the meal.

Yes, at some point.

Just a vegan apple pie with cold vegan custard.

Yes, yes, like that.

Yeah.

Okay.

So we're basically, yeah, the starter is the main thing that you kind of was obsessed about.

But now you're having a tiny roast dinner.

And now I'm having a tiny roast dinner.

Yes.

So like, you know, like when you eat like a like one, like a little, like a doll's house.

Little doll's house.

In the Yorkshire pudding.

The Yorkshire pudding full of...

You can't make Yorkshire puddings for vegans.

Oh, okay.

Because they've got like milk in them.

And when you do make them, they're tiny and flat, like a drinks coaster.

They look like that.

They're awful.

So I wouldn't even be bothering with that.

It would be all about the, it would be the gravy that's the thing.

So as long as it's not a jus,

I hate it when they're like, when it's, oh, here's your roasting.

It's a butternut squash with a ju on it.

I can't do that.

It has to be a meat substitute.

Yeah.

Bisto gravy.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Roast.

How tiny are we talking?

Because your issue with starters initially was it's something you like, but it's too small, so it's gone.

Yeah.

And you could have just said to us, I want a full roast dinner for my starter because it's your dream menu.

We'd let you know.

Yeah.

It's been scuppered by the rules.

All right.

That I've invented, but no one said anything about.

Full roast dinner then.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, but

full-size roast dinner.

And then, oh my god, that's amazing.

Thank you.

And then I've got the nachos to look forward to.

And then I'm not stopping there because I wasn't topping it off with the pie.

Oh, my God.

And you've got the Pedrum.

The Bisto Pedro.

Pedrum Pepper Pop.

I was going to say

Arbisto before we wrap it up.

Ah, bisto.

If Bisto are listening, Stevie does voiceover well.

There you go.

Yeah.

Not for Bisto, though.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Stevie.

I messed that up so badly, but thank you for having me.

Well there we are James the wonderful Stevie Martin she fell apart.

She fell apart as I predicted in the intro I think.

Yeah.

She fell apart probably the most anyone's changed their menu at the last second.

Yeah, really a lot of self-doubt and I imagine all the way home that's going to be going around in their head.

Yes.

Yeah, absolutely.

And that's what we like to get into our guests' heads and maybe ruin their week.

Well, if there's any constellation to Stevie, you didn't choose Stevia.

Stevia, you didn't choose the secret ingredient, so it went better

than you think it did, maybe.

Yeah, but

from self-doubt to clout, Stevie is on tour now with her show Clout.

So go and investigate the dates for that.

Yes, it's going to be fantastic.

You should absolutely hurry along.

Hurry along.

And we will hurry along and go and make a new episode for you next week.

Yeah.

Joe what?

You got yourself a deal.

See you next week.

See you next week.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey, you!

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah.

Go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of off menu on youtube and full episodes but it's embarrassing man it's not embarrassing at all it's really cool we're on youtube with the great and good the coolest people in the world are on youtube me you logan paul who's logan paul the dad from succession at off menu podcast that's what benito's calling us now and we're on tick tock this is embarrassing man it's not embarrassing man we're cool we're like olivia rodrigo and ded people have been asking us battering us bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.