Stevie Martin

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Speaker 1 from the 20th of January, starting in Toronto, and then finishing once again in Canada, in Vancouver, on the 15th of February. And in between, I'm going all over the place.

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Speaker 1 Hello and welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Taking the...
I'm not sure I've... I think I might have done this one before, James, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Okay. The mint leaves of conversation.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's not ringing any bells.

Speaker 1 Muddling them in the glass with the muddler of humour. I definitely haven't heard you say muddler before.
Adding the rum of content.

Speaker 1 Now it's sounding like a good time.

Speaker 1 Maybe soda water. How do you make a mojito?

Speaker 1 It's soda water. Soda water of internet.
Mojito. It's a mojito.
It's a podcast hito. Danny Zed Gamble.
He's a podcast hito kind of guy. My name is James Zaycaster.

Speaker 1 Together we own a dream restaurant and we invite in every single week a guest. We ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

Speaker 1 And this week, our guest is Stevie Martin. Stevie Martin, a wonderful comic.
Wonderful online content as well, James. Yes, Stevie Martin does it all.
Stevie Martin does it all. Online, offline.

Speaker 1 What else is there? Midline. Midline.
Midline. Hey.

Speaker 1 She's very, very funny. Looking forward to speaking to Stevie.
Also a brilliant podcaster, part of the Plosive family. The Plosive family, of course, the Nobody Panic podcast.

Speaker 1 That she does with Tessa Coates. She's under the Plosive umbrella.
She's under the wing of Benito. Oh, yes, yes.
I imagine Benito having wings more than an umbrella, actually.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, even though in real life,

Speaker 1 he's more likely to be carrying an umbrella. But I imagine the Great Benito, the character of the Great Benito, yeah, have wings.

Speaker 1 Have wings, and they're very, it's a very safe place to be under the wing of Benito. It's very safe, warm and safe.
Under there, baby birds. Uh, Stevie Martin's new show, Clout, is on tour.

Speaker 1 He absolutely hates it. He doesn't like that.

Speaker 1 Her new show, Clout, is on tour soon, so keep an eye out for that.

Speaker 1 Uh, and just go and follow uh stevie on social media as well she's very very good and stevie is on taskmaster so that's very exciting very very exciting because i'd say stevie out of a lot of people i know is the sort of person who is always just slightly like one second away from a very funny meltdown absolutely there's a reason why it's called nobody panic podcast yes it's absolutely applying to the hosts yes and um stevie will panic and i i don't know what's happened on taskmaster no i guarantee the listeners right now if they watch it they're going to see Stevie Martin panicking.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. Of course, if there's a secret ingredient, Stevie really will be panicking because we're kicking her out the dream restaurant.
That is true.

Speaker 1 And we've got a brilliant secret ingredient this time, James. It's Stevie.
Stevie. Stevia.
Stevia. Suggested by the great Benito because Stevie's name is Stevie.
You pull that out of his wing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you add an er, it's Stevia. Stevia's a natural sweetener.
Oh, okay. I didn't know what it was.
Yes. And that's quite good, actually, because that is, you know, people don't really like sweeteners.

Speaker 1 so it works on every level i think it's natural i'm pretty sure it's natural yeah i don't you know i always need to check these things because i don't know if you've noticed about me james i like to say things about food with uh huge confidence and quite quite often they're wrong and people get angry about really see because because i'm not like you know we said stevie martin rules the online i'm offline these days yes i have no idea so i still think you're right about everything yeah and i don't know that people call you out correcting me all the time yeah really yeah and correctly you should correct me if i'm wrong but fair enough but but i'm walking around just regurgitating this shit and saying it to people and believing it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm sorry, man.
I've got you in real trouble over the years. Yeah, I probably look like a right fool everywhere I go.
Yeah, that's true. That's not my fault.
Yeah, I heard that's natural.

Speaker 1 That's sweet. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What the hell? Hey, Casta. Why did his mouth off again? But if Stevie says Stevia, and that doesn't count her own name.
No. If she says her own name a bit wrong, we're not going to kick her out.

Speaker 1 We're going to let that slide. Yeah, but if she says Stevia, she's gone.

Speaker 1 So this is the off-menu menu of Stevie Martin.

Speaker 1 Welcome Stevie to the dream restaurant. Hello, I've got egg on me.

Speaker 1 Welcome Stevie Martin to the dream restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time.
You since toothpaste or egg. It's toothpaste or egg, isn't it? Toothpaste or eggs.

Speaker 1 Toothpaste or egg, Stevie, pop it up. Toothpaste or eggs.
Egg Bob it up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's on my shorts, so I'm thinking. No, it's not.
It's on my lapel. Is that on lapel? No, that's the lapel.
The lapel's up there. The lapel, isn't it?

Speaker 1 For the listener. I'd imagine it's...
It's close to her knee.

Speaker 1 I'd imagine it's toothpaste given the positioning of it. Would you? Who brushes the teeth around the side? That's fairly low.
Yeah, I mean, that's like the bottom of your shirt mound to the side.

Speaker 1 I think you've lent against something chalky. Yes.
Yeah, or I've been eating egg and it's dropped into my lap. That makes more sense.

Speaker 1 Just to solve the mystery immediately. It also doesn't look like egg, I would say.
It doesn't look like egg, no. Yes, okay, fine.
But welcome. Thank you.
I love the restaurant. Thank you.

Speaker 1 What can you see in the restaurant? What's going on? So it's a very chill vibe because I don't, I think there's a place for your kind of

Speaker 1 and that's fun too. Yeah, what? But I don't know.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? No, pipes? What's the instrument? What, for the

Speaker 1 drums.

Speaker 1 A recorder?

Speaker 1 This song. Recorder, yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you mean like

Speaker 1 a fancy restaurant with like

Speaker 1 a string quartet, maybe? Yeah. Thank you.

Speaker 1 All right, there's none of that.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking it's kind of like regardless of the food i'm going to choose you know when you go to like a mexican restaurant and you're like yeah i could i could hang here for ages and have some muggles and talk really loudly and there's there's like a chill relaxed but they're still gonna like bring your cutlery like you don't have to go and get your cutlery and like get your own water and then also do all your food and serve yourself like lando's like you can still so it's like it just feels relaxed there's like a good color scheme bright i'll be honest what you describe there to me apart from you saying it's chilled does not sound chilled in the slightest.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because you said it's really loud and you're shouting at each other.
No, it's just that you can talk loudly, but there's not very loud music, so it doesn't escalate. So it's just people.

Speaker 1 And maybe there's like candle light.

Speaker 1 It was bright.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did say bright. The lot of covers, a lot of candles.
There's a lot of candles. It's sort of like five per table.

Speaker 1 It's quite dangerous. It's quite dangerous.

Speaker 1 I feel very relaxed by boiling. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a window open.

Speaker 1 And I can't. Candles keep blowing out.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe. Booths.
Booths. Booths.
Booths. Yeah.
That's fine.

Speaker 1 I can envision it. There's a place in Soho called El Cameon.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not great.

Speaker 1 But it's actually, no, it is great. It's not relaxed.
Is it good, though? This will be a theme.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to be able to come down hard on either option. There's booths.
And when you go in there, you're just like, yeah, I could hang here.

Speaker 1 Rather than that, like, I've got an hour and a half slot and I simply must leave.

Speaker 1 And it's Instagrammable. You know, it's not Instagrammable.
It's like a chill.

Speaker 1 I keep saying the word chill you can say chill yeah it's really chill yeah you'd like a chill I just want to be more chill a chill booth yeah so that I mean I understand that you would like a chill booth chill booth to have your meal in yeah with friends what friends yeah oh wow who's the who's the guest list of the dream meal the guest list of my dream meal william shakespeare of course um your friend my friend and uh my friend unfortunate name there was a guy in my school um called michael jackson yeah yeah

Speaker 1 how was michael jackson as a as a person, your friend I'm talking about? He had some problems.

Speaker 1 Yeah, quite early on. I don't think you'll mind me saying we didn't know each other.
I didn't speak to him because of his name obviously. People won't be able to find him out.

Speaker 1 So this isn't in a baby reindeer situation. People Google him, they're just gonna

Speaker 1 googleable name. Did he go by Mike? No, he went by like Michael.
It's like call me Michael

Speaker 1 the King of Pop. Yeah, Michael the King of Pop, yeah.
Poor guy. Not his fault, of course.

Speaker 1 Oh, it is, if you ask me called Michael. yeah that's true the dream guest you've asked me for well i'll have to say michael jackson now but i don't want to okay great absolutely don't have to say

Speaker 1 thank you thank you actual friends that'd be i think are nice um my friend kayell really likes food and has many opinions on food yes he's quite good to have because we've heard all of them oh he's been on this podcast of course he has yeah yeah he did tell me of course he has didn't he bring tequila or something no no we had whiskey here it was an evening record and i think the record was about three hours long yeah yeah because we started drinking whiskey whiskey.

Speaker 1 Great. That might be happening today.
I don't want to do that. No, I'm a very efficient woman.
I'm in and out.

Speaker 1 And I don't like whiskey. That's how I like to approach restaurants as well.
Just to let you know. Just to let you know.

Speaker 1 I'm in and out, despite saying my dream meal, you can hang for as long as possible. And I don't like whiskey.
Right. I see.
I've got to have more opinions. No,

Speaker 1 Kyell.

Speaker 1 Just me, Kyle. My friend Lola.
Because she just doesn't hang about when she's ordering. Again, very chill.

Speaker 1 And then William Shakespeare, of course, because I think he'd be very out of place. Yeah, I think so.
I think he'd be out of place anywhere in 2024. Yeah, possibly, actually.

Speaker 1 Although some people on Twitter still talk like, you know, Milady and all of that, don't they? Those men.

Speaker 1 How would William Shakespeare react that a lot of his language has been taken on by incels? He'd say an uncle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, he'd love it. Maybe he's the original incel.
Yeah, I think he is, to be fair. Romeo and Juliet, she's very young.

Speaker 1 Just something to think about. That's an incel thing.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 No, that's a pedot thing, isn't it?

Speaker 1 And we're back to Michael Jackson. Oh, for God's sake.
Well, allegedly. Oh, Lord.
Which one we talked about?

Speaker 1 Just to be clear. He wasn't my friend.
He was three years below me, and I never spoke to him. Yeah.
But you just knew that clearly. You knew of him because his name was Michael Jackson.

Speaker 1 Michael Jackson, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Everyone in my school knew about Chris Peacock because his

Speaker 1 he wasn't in my year, but everyone called him Crispy. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. My grandma was called Chris Martin

Speaker 1 as in Carplay. Yeah.
Yeah. Your grandma? Yeah.
You know that your name's similar to us a little bit as well?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I'll leave it in Google. I'll keep it short.
You can Google it up for you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's quite similar.

Speaker 1 So yeah, that's mine. William Shakespeare, Kayla and Lola.
Nice. I like to keep it short.
Tessa not making the cut, husband not making the cut. No.
Oh, yeah. No, no.

Speaker 1 He's sort of a like fuel, fuel food as fuel oh really really difficult it annoys me when because he's clearly in very good shape as well and you're like that's he's

Speaker 1 i think he's in he's in media as in like he's naturally quite lean looking

Speaker 1 um but he's yeah i think i mean he swims a lot does that mean he's in good shape i'm gonna say if someone says your husband's in good shape you just go yeah but uh james did say

Speaker 1 Yeah, so there were two there were two sides you could have taken there and you very much went with James I think.

Speaker 1 I did I think I just had to yeah he's in great shape but it is food as fuel he is he takes the piss out of hue quite a lot but i think he would benefit quite a lot from that just sometimes he is like

Speaker 1 food as fuel

Speaker 1 quite it's quite upsetting but sometimes you know when we're trying to make it like it's it's up to me often to suggest what we're eating for dinner because he'd be like oh anything yeah no i as you've seen i do need direction otherwise i will take everyone's opinion and then sort of get very hot

Speaker 1 um does he mean that does he mean that when he says everything though oh really um occasionally I mean, if I was like, I don't know, a cheese slice and an onion, he'd be like, well, not that, obviously.

Speaker 1 But, yeah, he will sort of, he calls it shovel it in food. He'll just be like, yeah, I'll have some shovel it in food.

Speaker 1 But what about taste? Yeah, taste taste.

Speaker 1 Tableback taste. Because when I have that chat with my wife, she'll say, what do you want to eat? And I'll say, well, what do you want to eat? And she'll say, oh, anything.

Speaker 1 And then we go on an hour-long conversation where I suggest things and we slowly narrow it down to the one thing she definitely wants. Yes.
No, that is also.

Speaker 1 Tell you what, everyone loves marriage in this room. I love it.
Very happily married. Just if we got to cook a meal.
Actually, really easy to cook a meal. I've got cooking anything.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying a bonita.

Speaker 1 It's got some squares in.

Speaker 1 Bonitas in a civil partnership. Yeah.
I'm technically in the civil partnership. Yeah, so is Stevie.
Yeah. It doesn't count.

Speaker 1 I want to ask about that. I think you guys are cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, you got fully married? Yeah, fully married. Old school.
Don't be sorry. Had a great time.
Very tied up. He sang hymns at his wedding.

Speaker 1 Was there a priest?

Speaker 1 Yes, there was a priest, a bishop. It was a bishop.
Bishop 2-2. Okay.

Speaker 1 No, it was just...

Speaker 1 As Charlie referred to her before we met her, as a goober from the council.

Speaker 1 And then it turns out she's a lovely lady called Lucy.

Speaker 1 You'll feel bad when you meet him in the night.

Speaker 1 Making fun of you for weeks. Our ceremony was very short.
There was a 30-rock quote, and then we finished.

Speaker 1 Did you flaming lips down the aisle? Oh, that's good. That's very cool very on brand yes

Speaker 1 i was gonna say about thrush i was like don't say that but you

Speaker 1 mean sometimes i mean there's not many guests that would actually just say that but i'd normally have to wait until after the episode and say to james i wanted to say that then yeah

Speaker 1 then i'll have a good laugh that's the benefit of being me i get all the extra stuff

Speaker 1 i benefit because i get all of edge humor after this after the shows i'm a lucky boy most people don't get the full Ed Gamble treatment. You should do off menu the extra bite or the yeah

Speaker 1 second hand puddings second oh you've already done that have any desserts yeah to be fair well it was just puddings it was called no loads of people got annoyed at that they were like they were saying it should be just desserts

Speaker 1 Christ

Speaker 1 sometimes it's about the low-hanging fruit isn't it and of course you're going on tour with clout yes uh the show that you did at Edinburgh and what do you tell the listeners Edinburgh went so well that I was just like I think I've got to go on tour I've never been on a tour before you've both done tours.

Speaker 1 Are they good? Do we like them? Depends. Each of the own.

Speaker 1 See how you feel about it. Well, James hates touring.
Right. I think I'd be like that.
Yeah. You love it, I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 I do. Yeah, I quite like it.
Yeah. I quite like it once I'm in the rhythm of it.
Okay. But I do do a lot of just eating Nandos in dressing rooms in market towns.
I quite like to do that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I used to never really gig outside of London because I was just frightened of,

Speaker 1 I don't really know, travelling.

Speaker 1 And then I'd done quite a few, before I'd probably quite a few previews outside of London and would do like a like a bunch of them and and travel around often known as what a tour would be like

Speaker 1 found it quite fun I think I'm quite good on my own I think I'm quite don't have to like make decisions based on what other people want to do simply just like I'd like to eat that now and I'm not ashamed of it yeah love crisp dinners with different flavours for the different courses

Speaker 1 I did I had travel crisps something that I've got really into this year I never really ever honestly don't think I'd ever bought a packet of crisps until this year well that's a a huge revelation.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've never actually gone and bought a packet of crisps myself.

Speaker 1 They're always around. Not always.
They're always around. But like, I'd take someone else's or I'd be like, oh, a lovely bowl of crisps or at a buffet, for example, or a party.

Speaker 1 But I'd have tortilla chips, loads, but not actual like flavoured crisps. And this year, I've really got into that.
So this is your thing this year? It's my thing. Yeah.
Yeah. It was ready salted.

Speaker 1 Oh, prawn cocktail for starters, ready salted for your main, and then and then then whatever, like

Speaker 1 a different shape for dessert.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Hula hoops.
So that's your crystal

Speaker 1 that you have on tour. I think it's mad to have ready salted as a main.

Speaker 1 Prawn cocktail as a starter. Beautiful dessert.
Yeah, because it's like prawns. Yeah.
The little things from the 70s. It's like prawn cocktail.

Speaker 1 It's like the starter prawn cocktail. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What the?

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 Ready salted, palate cleanser, and you can eat it without getting bored. Really? I get bored immediately.

Speaker 1 oh yeah obviously you've already salted as a side dish like a bowl of chips see i would have chips as a main and do quite regularly but i'm not a bland person

Speaker 1 it's just it's all about the dip i would get dips as well so you'd get like hummus

Speaker 1 that's it

Speaker 1 hummus uh it was hex i couldn't find a lot of good salsa if i could but prawn cocktail and salsa is pretty bad i think you're gonna have a great tour yeah yeah i'm gonna be i'm gonna have a heart attack within about four days and some sort of salt, sodium imbalance.

Speaker 1 Massive vitamin deficiency. Acute scurvy.
Yeah, yeah. That I'll get like I'm a sailor, which is the true tour.

Speaker 1 We always start with still sparkling water. Stevie, what would you like? I like, I've only recently got into sparkling.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Same time as the crisps? My God, yes. Yeah, wow.
You're having quite the year. I'm having a massive gastronomical year.

Speaker 1 And I've got into it, but I quite like it when it goes flat because it doesn't taste like still water it's still got that like aftertaste so I'd quite like I suppose flat sparkling sparkling water has been there for a while so it's not so like edgy right quite spiky that's kind of mad isn't it that when it goes flat it doesn't taste like normal water like what are they putting what are they putting in the whatever they use to carbonate it is still floating around in there dead yeah it's like the out breath of the gas

Speaker 1 carbon dioxide just floating around in the water that's what you you want. It's what I want.
I'd say this is the earliest red flag we've ever had in an episode

Speaker 1 for someone's menu. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 No one has managed to make the water course sound disgusting yet. And this is the first time.
Have you had flat? I really don't like it. Okay.
I don't like the flat, the flat fizzy water.

Speaker 1 I don't mind it. Okay, great.
I actually prefer. There's some still sparkling waters that are less carbonated.
Interesting. That are a bit softer.
That's Traafter. Yeah, sorry.
So I want a list of

Speaker 1 badois. Not backwa, because that's short for backwash, probably, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Badois? Badois. Okay, I'll have that then.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want that? Less gas? No, no, no.
You're getting your flat sparkling water. That's what you're getting for your dream, your dream mill.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do want that. Yeah.
Yeah. That's what you're having.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 And also, that means as well that people around the table who are with me, William, Shakespeare, or whatever, oh my god, sparkling water would blow his mind. It would.

Speaker 1 It would then allow everyone else to partake. Yeah.
Because they wouldn't, like the water would be slightly off, but they wouldn't quite know why.

Speaker 1 It tastes like gone off water That's what it is You know when a hummus goes quite lemony and you're like, yeah, I still will but like

Speaker 1 and you want that

Speaker 1 massager dish yet

Speaker 1 It will be gone off hummus

Speaker 1 It's quite it's quite nice when it's lemon as long as I put lemon juice in the hummus to make it taste like it's gone off a bit but hummus tastes fizzy when it's gone off I think well, yeah, it's the only thing that gets more sparkling as time goes on that's so true.

Speaker 1 Yes, still sparkling dips.

Speaker 1 Do you like other carbonated drinks when they go flat? Because I do like it when like, you know, colas go flat and stuff like that. I love that.
I like that. I like that as well.

Speaker 1 I used to work in a bar and

Speaker 1 when the thing would be off and everyone would be like, oh, the syrup, it's just syrup. That'd be my drink.
Just the syrup. Just the syrup with red wine.

Speaker 1 That was very quipped. Yeah, it's called a calamacho.

Speaker 1 It's spizzy for a caramacho. It's not the syrup.
No, because calamacho is half and half. Yeah.
Coke and red wine. Yeah.
Yeah. So I just do that with a little bit less syrup.

Speaker 1 You're doing it like a barista with a shot of espresso. But you're doing it with the Coke.
It's like an espresso wine tini.

Speaker 1 You heard it here.

Speaker 1 An espresso wine tini. It's got nothing to do with espresso.
No, no. But the wine's in there.
That's fine. I used to drink

Speaker 1 uni Bailey's and Coke. Mix it up.
Tastes like cake mix. Looks like vomit.
Yeah, doesn't Bailey's curdle when it? Oh, terribly. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So there's loads of photos in the early Facebook years of me at clubs that look like I've just been sick in my own glass. You were ordering that clubs.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 It would be actually only clubs because in bars, like people would have opinions, whereas in clubs, it's like, Let's go, next one. They'd be like, What? Oh, yeah, okay, fine.

Speaker 1 And they wouldn't have judgment. And then I ordered anything.
And after the first time you did it, they knew exactly what you were going to do. She's like that again, yeah.
Here she fucking comes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I kind of understand why your husband only eats for fuel now

Speaker 1 about you seeing these

Speaker 1 things constantly. It's like, I'm all right, I just need to survive.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think there's a I have a lot of combination. There's been, he did ask me if I could stop eating.

Speaker 1 So I used to have like, not all the time, but just occasionally like kidney beans in a can, drain them, then just put mayonnaise in, pop it up, eat that and a fork. And he was like, can you stop?

Speaker 1 Just cat, please, can you stop? Or eat it in another room.

Speaker 1 So we were in like a studio flat for a while so that I couldn't eat that. And then we've moved into a slight, like a two-bed.
So then I'm able to take it to a bedroom.

Speaker 1 You've got your beat in a mayonnaise room. Yeah.
Yeah. I think think that only happens like twice a year, yeah.
And it's normally when I'm like quite hungover or like a bit morose.

Speaker 1 In terms of hangover food, kidney beans in the tin with mayonnaise mixed in has got to be the worst. That would make me feel that would not be even sicker.
The thought of it would make you feel sick.

Speaker 1 The actual reality of it, like with most things, is much better than you think.

Speaker 1 Um, as long as you get, you don't get a bit of water in the any, you know, like the water that it's in. That makes me feel a bit sick.
Pop loves or bread, pop loves or bread, Stevie Martin.

Speaker 1 Pop loves or bread. Bread, bread, bread, French breaguette, in a basket with a little gingham serviette.

Speaker 1 The listener won't have seen the mime, but you just sliced it, basically. Yeah, just sliced it in and I put it in the plastic slices, yeah.
And pop the little napkin.

Speaker 1 I like a little bit of decoration. Where are you putting the napkin? Underneath the bread.
So I can't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because every... Every mime you've done of it, you've done a couple of mimes.
You've put the bread in the basket and then you've tried to slide the napkin underneath the bread.

Speaker 1 That's how it's like a reverse tablecloth, you know, being pulled out from underneath something. Yeah.
You can somehow getting the napkin underneath the bread that's already in the bottle.

Speaker 1 Would you not put the napkin in and then put the bread on top? No, no. No, that's part of the art.
And then also pop a napkin on top just to stop the flies. Okay.
It's a dream restaurant.

Speaker 1 Stop the flight. Where are you? Oh, I'm in a, yeah, I'm in a, it's a dream restaurant, but it is next to a sewage plant.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I couldn't, I couldn't control the geography of the dream, the dream restaurant, sadly. Is this warm? This bread? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But not too warm that you're like, ooh, it's just like, so the butter melts in i think that's that's classic isn't it who like that's you simply must have that yeah well it just

Speaker 1 where's it coming from is it coming from a bakery is it just coming from the packets i don't want to know where anything has come from

Speaker 1 i have just no interest in where anything has come from i just want it to be here like i'm in it like it i'm the wizard it's a magical place yeah or a genie or a genie yeah yeah for example

Speaker 1 I don't, I don't like, yeah, I don't need to know farm to fork, you know. I mean, I am a vegan, so that's, I don't know what's happening on the farm, but like, I don't need to know any of that stuff.

Speaker 1 It can just be, I think cheap white bread is what I want in a restaurant rather than a sort of like, you know, when it arrives, it's like whole meal. You know, I'm not interested in that.

Speaker 1 You just want to come out and about like

Speaker 1 I want baguette. Yeah.
I mean, that's fair enough. This butter.
Yeah. Talk me through the butter.
Vegan, of course. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I was going to, I was toying with the idea of just being like, well, rather than be vegan, just have what you would like and then just have a great time. I'm allergic to dairy.
That's why.

Speaker 1 And I would have like a right time of it the next day or during the meal.

Speaker 1 But this is a fantasy land, but I still couldn't. And there's some really good vegan butter, but you've got to salt it.
You've got to salt it. Otherwise, it just tastes like margarine from the 70s.

Speaker 1 It's a real issue. So I'd want it melted, pats, little pats, obviously a napkin underneath.

Speaker 1 And then on a little tiny plate like this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you have a brand of because like flora buttery? Flora buttery. Yeah, it's really good.
Accently vegan. So that is margarine.
That's probably margarine. It probably is, isn't it? It's a real shame.

Speaker 1 What's that UPF? Ultra-processed food? I don't know. That's probably very bad for you.
There's a book out called like, don't eat that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I've seen that book.
Yeah, yeah. I've seen that book.
Don't eat that. And it was all like vegan stuff is really bad for you.
Yeah. That's like tofu.
So it's a real shame.

Speaker 1 That's a shame, actually. That's horrible for the vegans to find out.
Because I imagine, you know, a lot of people buying that book are probably vegans. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're thinking about what they're eating, but they also probably think, I'm on safe ground here. Because we know that we've gone the better route than all these other people.

Speaker 1 And then they are like, oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah.
I've already got my options limited. And now I can't even eat this stuff because it's ultra-processed.

Speaker 1 Turns out there's just no way of staying alive. Turns out, yeah, there literally isn't.
The vegan cheese. Like, what is vegan cheese made? Like, it's made of nuts or coconut oil.

Speaker 1 Like, how is it doing that? Save your show material for the tour

Speaker 1 because you don't want to waste it on this podcast. You're right, right, you're right.
Okay. Yeah, yes.
You don't want to waste it on the pod.

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Speaker 1 Let's get into your meal proper, Stevie. Your dream starter.
Is there a napkin?

Speaker 1 It's just a napkin. I have a real issue with starters, but I don't want to.
I do want more food at this point.

Speaker 1 The problem I have with starters is that it's it's lose lose because it's either like

Speaker 1 obviously

Speaker 1 he loves stuff i know but it's either it i love it and then it's too small so i'm like well now it's over and or i don't like it and it's take it's detracted my appetite from the main boy interesting and also to try and get it to collaborate with the main meal i find incredibly stressful and doesn't need so actually i just sort of would want some more bread

Speaker 1 and maybe with oil and balsamic this time oh you're mixing it up but still the baguette i don't think so i don't think so i think i think i think olive bread yeah and then just like other stuff in the bread like what's other stuff that goes in bread tomato bread yeah olive oil bread that's forcatcher forcatcher yeah right and nut bread i was gonna say nuts like that walnuts all right i'll have a walnut bread garlic rosemary oh

Speaker 1 that's great we can just bring you for your starter a bread a whole bread platter with all those breads yeah um in many baskets and then it's like tear and share you know everyone's everyone's like oh but no no i'm not gonna be sharing that with you because they've already had bread yeah they would probably like the starter starter yeah with him shakespeare's not gonna be tearing and sharing that it's quite a lot of bread isn't it but i'm not i i i i do i'm really into bread and i just and i don't think it would fill me up enough for the main it means that there's still like a good warm-up for the main

Speaker 1 interesting isn't it because i'd say a lot of our guests have bought up the main problem they have with the bread basket before the meal

Speaker 1 is it fills them up but you've said i'm pretty sure that a bread platter will not fill me up after the bread basket i've had yeah

Speaker 1 i see i see what you're saying um and i agree with it but i'm talking sort of like a taste journey so my taste buds won't have blown out yeah

Speaker 1 when i'm tired out yeah tired out and i won't be like longing for the starter that's just gone and being like well i want more of that for my main can i change it to a main you can't like I don't have to think about it.

Speaker 1 I just know that the main is going to be the main event. But that is a lot of bread.

Speaker 1 But I mean, on this, if we're talking about like a bread platter with all these different breads, you could put other things with it, like

Speaker 1 different dips. All right.

Speaker 1 We're back at dip town now, aren't we? I think, well, I think most of my choices are going to be dips.

Speaker 1 I'm really, I think dips is my sort of favorite food. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love, I can't, I hate, I hate dry meals. Do you know, like when you're like, it needs a bit more juice going on.
So that dips, I'm safe. I could just have dips with a spoon.

Speaker 1 that'd be nice so you do you do that we oh hummus with a spoon yeah that's a thing isn't it yeah well hummus with a spoon bit of olive oil on it i live with anishkimo yeah he used to eat like a yogurt yeah right as well

Speaker 1 yeah yeah sometimes a little bit of um whole chickpeas on if you feel like that's still visit him sometimes and uh there's like a completely what i think has been like a pot of something that has been completely cleaned and then i realize it's not completely cleaned yeah upon closer inspection that it is still a little bit dirty but someone has completely like eaten all the hummus and i realize it's hummus hummus yeah yeah it once contained hummus and that he's done it again he's wiped it he's done it again

Speaker 1 it's it's an ex it's just an excellent meal and it is a complete meal

Speaker 1 what is your main course my main course nachos okay we've already had a shout out for tortilla chips earlier on do you want to take a moment to address the listeners who are currently there are going to be be some people right i'm not one of them okay getting very frustrated with this menu

Speaker 1 why they're going to think there's no way this can be her actual dream menu she she's a comedian she's just trying to be funny we know you're not we know you i don't think that's funny we know you're not come up with something way funnier if i was actually gonna

Speaker 1 also we haven't heard about the the nachos yet we haven't heard any details

Speaker 1 listening to this who are gonna be no way this is her dream two bread courses and then nachos is flat water flat fizzy water yeah Two bread courses and now nachos.

Speaker 1 They're going to be screaming at their bread. Okay, okay.
So address, just address that. I'm going to address it.
I understand that. I'm going to address it.

Speaker 1 So, because I find that in restaurants, nobody does it properly. And it really gets me.
I don't think I've ever been to,

Speaker 1 El Cameon does a good job, actually. I don't think I've actually been to a restaurant where

Speaker 1 there's the right source to sort of bald. tortilla chip ratio.
You either left with like, or you're like given loads of little pots of stuff to put on and it's like a symbol. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or one of those little paper, those paper things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, really.

Speaker 1 Or there's like, like, I went to one the week and it had kimchi and hummus. It was like, are you, are you high? Like, that's not, that's not nacho.
That's just.

Speaker 1 I bet you really enjoyed that though, really. No, I hate

Speaker 1 hummus. I wasn't, I didn't want that in that moment.
Like I wanted,

Speaker 1 you know, and I hate, like I say, I hate dry food and nachos can be really dry and there's never enough cheese. And I make excellent nachos.

Speaker 1 It's the only thing I've ever served people when they've come out for dinner. I've only had two dinner parties.
One was a takeaway. We just got everyone to order a takeaway and I've paid for it.

Speaker 1 And then the other one was nachos and just orders huge trays. And it's like, you've got to get like, it's almost like chili concane, but poured over.
And then you do like four layers.

Speaker 1 Grill it, don't microwave it. Like, otherwise the cheese gets like adhesive,

Speaker 1 gluey, more cheese than you want, jalapenos, sour cream guac on the side so that people can get their own ratio right. But you're, it's like huge salad bowls of the stuff, not like this tiny.

Speaker 1 It's very close to what I used to do at one of the pubs I worked at, so we didn't put the guac and sour cream on the side, which was dolloped on the top. But everything else.

Speaker 1 What's what pub did you like? The star in Geddington. Oh no, I've never been there.
Nachos, that beef chili stuff.

Speaker 1 Layered that up, dumped loads of cheese all over it. But there's nothing better.
Grilling it, not microwaving, but then we dollip the sauce on the top, which

Speaker 1 for jalapenos. That's fine if there's enough, right? If there's enough, yeah, that's fine.
When you're talking about the bald, the bald tortilla chips. The bald chose, yeah.

Speaker 1 yeah so how many of those should there be if any every single i'll refer to it as a cho should should have the right ratio of your hot sort your sort of chili concarni sauce it should have like a tiny little bit of guac a tiny bit of sour cream covered in cheese and salsa every single one every single one you should be able no bald ones you should be able to distribute that.

Speaker 1 The sauce distribution should be even throughout. Even if it's not, you can like mix stuff around.
Yeah. Are you eating this with a fork?

Speaker 1 I think there should be enough spatial

Speaker 1 awareness of you and also enough room on the chip to be able to dip. I think you should be able to dip, but you can maybe have a fork if you must revert to that.

Speaker 1 But that just means that you've eaten it wrong, I think. Aren't they getting a bit soggy with all the chips? Yeah, well, let's talk about the sog because surely the bottom layer is going to be...

Speaker 1 is going to be soggy as all of it. Not if it's been done and not been sat in its own juices, Fred.
It shouldn't be sat in its own juices. You should be making it to order.

Speaker 1 What is your technique to get this this right because this i mean people have been listening to this going if i try to do this at home it's going to sog up i'm not going to get it so that there's every chip has got enough stuff on it and a little gripping point on the chip where i can always a gripping point but how are you doing this because people this could change people's lives if you're pulling this off at home yeah and i am regularly and you're not even using a fork you're able to dip these after they've been in the chili concarni this is this is incredible yeah it's all about the reduction of the chili concane you've got to reduce that.

Speaker 1 So it's like, it's not got any liquid bubbling around. It's almost dry, but it's not.

Speaker 1 So you're basically cooking the chili concane longer than you think. And then when it goes into the grill, you're talking like five minutes.

Speaker 1 That's not enough for it to collapse under the weight of the water or the sauce.

Speaker 1 Like it's still retaining stability. It's still got a core.

Speaker 1 And because you're doing layers, it's not, it's not like all of them in the middle are all like, they're all kind of helping each other to encase the sauce.

Speaker 1 like you've got your chips and then and there's a lot kind of go and also like as well you you don't put on as much sauce as you think as well because you're you've got to think and obviously don't put your guac and your sour cream before you put it in the grill that's mad you just do the chili concani the cheese sounds like you've done you've done that before yeah oh my god yeah and then you've you've made a stew you've made like a lasagna

Speaker 1 yeah and also what's nice as well is when you add the colder dips that cools everything down a little bit so you're not like oh yeah and do you want to for the fellow vegans listening recommend what to use for the chili yeah so talk us through because obviously your dream nachos yeah are going to be vegan nachos they are going to be vegan because i've never had anywhere close to good vegan nachos anywhere right so they have to be yeah it's like i quite like this one there's a there's a there's a a mince called moving mountains i think which is really nice because it doesn't have a corn's got a weird corn's got quite a spark flat sparkling water flavor to it it's got a bit of a like what's going on here and i don't want that in my nachos so Moving Mountains is really nice.

Speaker 1 Also, you want like just a simple cheese like Vio Life Cheddar or something, just something that's just like not got any aftertaste.

Speaker 1 Never get, never get a supermarket vegan cheese because they taste like play-doh. They've got the consistency of play-doh and they taste like play-doh and like a horrible kind of like

Speaker 1 underneath it. I mean, eating like, oh,

Speaker 1 like that noise, butter taste.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
That noise, but a taste. Yeah.
Yeah. I think that sort of checks out.

Speaker 1 That's fine. Guacamole, my mum makes amazing guacamole.
And so the recipe is like, we just mash, it's not, you know, oh God, you know, in like in restaurants, and the guacamole is like chopped. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like chopped and chopped avocado and then bits of onion and then like some cilantro or whatever, coriander, and that's it. And you're like, no, so we mash it up.

Speaker 1 You mash up the avocado with onion, mayonnaise, little bit of mayonnaise, more vegan mayonnaise, lemon juice, and then shitloads of garlic, like so much garlic, and then a bit of salsa for a bit of kick from just a pot, pot, just the pot of salsa that you've got hanging around.

Speaker 1 Old El Paso is fine. And then you mix it all up and

Speaker 1 it's just delicious. That's a wild guacamole recipe.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's wild. That's really good.
During the Edinburgh Festival, everyone always talks about going to the old. Is it the old?

Speaker 1 Yeah. They're like this.
Bonifa loves it. Yeah, they're massive.
And there's vegan ones as well. Oh, are there? Yeah.
Right. Yeah, Benito lost his mind when I just said that.
Yeah, really, really.

Speaker 1 It's so good. That's got to be like a week four thing.
Otherwise, you can't really recover

Speaker 1 from it. Yeah, that's just excellent.
That's actually, yeah, yeah, you're right. That's the only place I've been where I've been like, that is what I expect.
Right. I've been served what I expect.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 So maybe those, but in the dream restaurant. But with so much bread.
I regret it. The bread, I can't tell you how much I regret the bread.
It's too late now.

Speaker 1 Because the answer is simply, I don't want to start it, but I wanted to. I did it.
I had to say something.

Speaker 1 I mean, I would say a classic starter is natural. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely. Shit.

Speaker 1 Especially if you're with friends. If you share.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I suppose I have bread for my main course.

Speaker 1 christ yeah okay that's that is that you thank you because i was wondering why i couldn't think of a starter and it's because i only like big starters as my main yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 you're doing side dish

Speaker 1 Is it our old friend bread again? No, it's gotta be. No, it would have to be something that complemented it.
So you're looking for something fresh. You're looking for something, but not boring.

Speaker 1 Padron Peppers. Nice.
That's good, innit? That came to you like a bolt from the blue, though. It did.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Another starter, to be fair.

Speaker 1 Padron Peppers, usually classically a starter. Is it? Yeah.
I'd say, yeah, starter, or it's just tap-as dishes. What's a side dish?

Speaker 1 Padron Peppers as a side dish.

Speaker 1 It's your meal. I'd like to throw this to you.
What would you have as a side dish for nachos?

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 1 nachos as a main.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The thing is, then I'm thinking, you are thinking in the realm of Padre and Peppers because you're thinking, I've basically got a starter for a main. So then you're like, I'm doing bits.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm doing bits on mine. I'm going to get some chicken strips.

Speaker 1 Jalapeno poppers.

Speaker 1 That's good. Okay, I want to change my answers.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, because a bit of like breaded sort of, you know.
deep fried yeah that's great you got jalapenos and cheese on the nachos

Speaker 1 again i've been foiled by it

Speaker 1 and it would have to be like vegan cream cheese in the middle i don't know how you feel about that that. Sometimes it can be okay.
The Philadelphia vegan is actually okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's just the texture is the same. It's quite cold tasting.
So yeah. I thought Padron Peppers was

Speaker 1 a good shout. No, it was more just like, I don't actually think when Push comes to shove, I know what a side dish is.
Broccoli. Yeah.
But you could have, that is actually, yeah,

Speaker 1 I mean, any type of veg,

Speaker 1 no local vegetables. All right, I do quite like that tenderstem broccoli.
I thought you were going to say chips because you're telling me she loved them at the start. I know.

Speaker 1 But I thought that, but that's not really... That does sound like I'm just...
Nachos Nachos and chips is insane. It does insane.
After two loaves of bread.

Speaker 1 Yeah, which actually, to be honest, now I'm thinking about it, it is quite on-brand because

Speaker 1 I do get excited about the bread. And I am then feeling a bit sick about that.
Like a salad or something? Kidney beans and mayonnaise. Kidney beans and mayonnaise on the side.

Speaker 1 How about that on the side? There's probably kidney beans and

Speaker 1 nachos in there. But I have been known to put some grated cheese in that.

Speaker 1 Another thing, just some rice and soy sauce. That's okay, though, isn't it? Just rice and soy sauce is okay.
It's a snack. It's not gross oh you eat that sometimes yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 you don't want that as your side dish well it's not gross it's odd that that's your that's a snack you eat is it odd because i think i would say that's quite straightforward they go together yeah they go together yeah it's like it's just like i can't be bothered to make you know a stir-fry so i'll just get the components rice and soy sauce yeah

Speaker 1 yeah okay all the components of a stir fry

Speaker 1 stir-fry very carby isn't it okay no i will stick with i'll go um padron pepper poppers oh nice there we go don't think it's ever been done before. Surely not.

Speaker 1 So cream cheese in the Padre and Peppers and breadcrumbs all around them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Padron Pepper Poppers.
Yeah, yeah. Padron Pepper Poppers.
So you've never had that before, obviously.

Speaker 1 No, I don't know. So you've just invented it.
No one has. I've never invented it, no.

Speaker 1 Someone must have made that.

Speaker 1 People have made weirder things. I think people have stuffed a Padre and Pepper before.
Yeah. Yeah.
Peter Piper. Peter Piper did it.
It's very good. Thank you.

Speaker 1 That's what the restaurant's called. Invite him to your meal? Do you think he'd get on...

Speaker 1 Do you think Peter Piper would get on? He's going to flip his lid lid when he sees the fucking peppers, isn't he?

Speaker 1 He's going to be like, can I not have one day where people don't try and give me peppers? Everywhere I fucking go.

Speaker 1 He's better not be pickled.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Pickled, Padro. Shakespeare, just like steadily pushing the plate to one side.
Yeah, into the bin.

Speaker 1 What's the medieval version of nachos?

Speaker 1 Mutton.

Speaker 1 What's the medieval version of nachos? I don't know. Potatoes and mutton.
Yeah, potatoes and mutton, I think, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your dream drink, Stevie Martin. Okay.

Speaker 1 I've recently found what my drink is

Speaker 1 of like what I could order in a bar and be like, yeah, that is, that is what I want to drink. I really like vodka martinis that are extra dry.
So very, like, very little vermouth.

Speaker 1 So little that you can't really taste it. And really dirty with loads of olive brine in it.
And that won't go with nachos. But I've got the sparkling water to, I suppose.

Speaker 1 So yeah, I think that's my favourite. I can't have the lemon martini.
And also, lots of people are really rude to you when you order that. Really?

Speaker 1 And so I went to a meeting in Soho House and I was like, well, this is the time to order my martini.

Speaker 1 specifically and she went you can't have extra dry and extra dirty and i was like but i can why and she went that's not how you have them i was like okay

Speaker 1 and then and then i was like but i think you can can because I've had them in other places. And then they came back and she'd done it so full of vermouth.
It was like a little glass of vermouth.

Speaker 1 It was like, okay.

Speaker 1 I fucking hate those places. Yeah.
It was like £25.

Speaker 1 So like, come on, man.

Speaker 1 Why would you, why would you do that? Every member's club fucking fuck themselves.

Speaker 1 I absolutely hate it. Thank you.
Telling you how you have your martine. It's not how it's done and passive aggressively doing the opposite that you asked for.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Even though it's like more expensive than anywhere else and you probably had to, someone had to pay a membership to get there.

Speaker 1 They've had to at least sign sign you in but yeah maybe you're a member of their i'm not what i should do is i should go to zoha house and order a pint of wine with some coke syrup in it yeah do that and then just stare at it unblinkingly calamacho please calamacho please yeah

Speaker 1 you had um uh those martinis at your wedding party the stevie martini the stevie martini of course come on i made little posters yeah i had loads of them telling people the problem is with martinis because i take big sips oh that they're awful everyone was very drunk so i was like and then i was queuing for the bar.

Speaker 1 I got my Stevie Martini. And by the time I'd walked away from the bar, I'd drunk it.
Yeah. So then I had to go get him to get two at a time.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They also didn't really know what to do to make, I had to teach them beforehand to make it behind the bar and bring my own olives

Speaker 1 for the olive price.

Speaker 1 And then they had to go to Tesco's half-way through to get more because I haven't had a lot of time. That sounds like a good, good part.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think I might have that. Or a calamacho just to balance it out because I've obviously really, you know, gotta hard on that.
We've let people have multiple

Speaker 1 drinks on this. So if you want want a calamacho at some point.
Yeah I think I'll start with a calamacho and then and then go into the vodka martini later. Do you genuinely like calimacho?

Speaker 1 Is there something you do? I do not syrup but like Diet Coke and red wine. I haven't had it in a long time, but I went to my old uni last year and was like, oh my god.

Speaker 1 And then on to the bar and they're like, we don't do wine anymore. And I was like, oh, this is a disaster.
But I actually did, I went to all bar one and

Speaker 1 had some there. And yeah, people are very strange when they don't like it when you order it.
They don't like it.

Speaker 1 Well, it's just not a thing here i don't think really is it's a thing very spanish it's very it's too i'm too i'm a very spanish you're too spanish i've often said this about you stevie battle within me um but there's a restaurant around the corner from where i now live that actually has canamacho on the menu and it's and it is literally it is a thing underneath it's just nice um and it's nice like yeah it's it's like um it tastes a bit like dr pepper i think i had it in the bath country for travel man so the first time i ever had a canamacho was on camera a lot of pressure And I came back and told my nephews about it.

Speaker 1 They got very excited, wanted to make it at a barbecue. And they asked me, Can you film us for Joe Lysip, please? So he can see us.
So they did it.

Speaker 1 And they were very, you know, like primary school kids, but very professional all of a sudden in front of the camera. They did the whole making it thing.
And then I remember

Speaker 1 when they made it, they went, and now to taste.

Speaker 1 Like bartenders. Yeah, yeah.
It was good. I had it when I did a Spanish exchange trip when I was 15 or 16.
Yeah. Yeah.
My Spanish exchange, Jesus, showed me how to make it. Oh, wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you get on? You and Jesus? Yeah, we got on big time. That's good.
Yeah, he's a metalhead. When he came to stay in England, he walked up.

Speaker 1 We went to pick him up from the school and he walked up to my mum and said, Hello, I am Jesus.

Speaker 1 And she went, I think we'll stick with Jesus.

Speaker 1 Excellent. I like him.
Calamocho, of course. That's quite young to start on the Calamachos.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 A gateway to wine, I suppose. Yeah, that's how I really got into wine, was via calamacho.
Yeah. Who's this? Are you noticing that there's some like

Speaker 1 are you getting some like fruity appetites, I guess? This one is very coke.

Speaker 1 Cama belly.

Speaker 1 I think that's great. That's my favourite part of your menu so far.
Yes, because the other one was just bread. Everything else has been.

Speaker 1 I like bread. I'm in.
It's still bonkers, but like, this is a.

Speaker 1 I'd still eat it all. Your whole menu I'd eat it.

Speaker 1 Okay, sure. But this is, I want that now.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Right. You can at any point.
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Speaker 1 Your dream dessert, Stevie. Right.
When I look at the menu and there's a chocolate thing, I will always just be like, well, I've got to go for that.

Speaker 1 But I'm actually not going to go for that because

Speaker 1 I think, so recently I had like a really good, good, we were on like one of them package, we were on a package holiday type thing and we were in like the cantini bit where you're just getting all your stuff and they had vegan apple pie or like vegan-friendly apple pie with a custard that you could have.

Speaker 1 It was also weirdly on the same night that we were convinced that Neil Morrissey was there as well. What a night.

Speaker 1 And then we had to look up where he was and he was like doing a West End show and we're like, oh, but. He's got me.

Speaker 1 And then we saw the next day, we're like, that is, it couldn't look less like me on my

Speaker 1 weird thing to just see Neil Morrissey. Very specific.
So I just remember because I was really enjoying the apple pie while I'm like looking at Neil.

Speaker 1 It wasn't Neil. It wasn't Neil, so it might be Neil, but

Speaker 1 it wasn't for me to say.

Speaker 1 Yeah, really like old style, like deep dish, chunky apple, sweet, but not, you've got a bit of sour notes coming through.

Speaker 1 And take the time to fucking buy some vegan custard because it's actually really nice. And no one ever, no one ever offers you anything else when you've got a vegan dessert.

Speaker 1 They're like, that's surely enough. You're like, oh, did you get a little vanilla ice cream for the lady? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's for the lady. And then it's quite like, it's often sorbet.
It doesn't go.

Speaker 1 You've only got sorbet. Like, I'll put fucking mango sorbet on an apple pie.
Like, that's fucking awful. No, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, that sounds very nice. Thank you.
Piping hot?

Speaker 1 Lukewarm, I think. I don't want it too hot.
Because then everything just melts immediately and you're like,

Speaker 1 and the custard?

Speaker 1 Cold?

Speaker 1 Is that fine? Yeah. Yes.
Okay. Yeah, cold's fine.
That's what I'd do. Cold custard with hot apple pie.
Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.
The best combo. Of course.
Then you don't have hot and hot.

Speaker 1 No, some people do. Some people get very angry at even suggesting the notion of putting cold custard on a hot apple pie.
That's just so much heat for your dessert as well.

Speaker 1 That's not good. They're wrong.
They're wrong.

Speaker 1 I think they are. They're not very broad-minded people.
Yeah, I understand. That's fine.
And then some bread on it or something. I don't know.

Speaker 1 And then a napkin. How do you feel about the overall beige ness of your menus?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I'm quite horrified by it because I think what this is doing is it's, and quite right, understandably, presenting me as this person who like just has like the palate of a child.

Speaker 1 But it's really not true. It's just that I, it was either that or like a roast dinner.
And I just thought, like, but I can, I can make a, like, I've had so many nice vegan roast dinners out.

Speaker 1 You can get rid of that. I just have never had the nachos.
It's very unhealthy, but also. You could have had the nachos as your your starter and then done the roasting.

Speaker 1 That wouldn't have gone with it. Imagine

Speaker 1 ordering nachos as a starter and then having a roast dinner. I just don't think that compliments it.
I think that's nice.

Speaker 1 Right. God, it really opened my mind.
I'm not sorry.

Speaker 1 I've never been to a restaurant before.

Speaker 1 I think that would be nice. That would be nice.
I've never been to a restaurant. El Camille.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Repeatedly. Every week.
Because I think actually I have had starters and they've been like bruschetta, but that is just bread as well.

Speaker 1 That's actually Italian nachos. You've got your base and you've got your tomato.
Yeah. But at least if you'd said ruschetta, then we wouldn't have been like you've got bread again.

Speaker 1 That would be brochetti. Because it was like bread with a skirt on or that is.
I'd say a hat, but I understand.

Speaker 1 Did you put it underneath? Do you put the tomato underneath it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put the it round it.
The, yeah, it's, it's horrifying when confronted with how beige that meal is.

Speaker 1 It's quite true to a lot of diets of vegans that I know though because I don't have that sort of diet. Okay.
Like I don't you wish you did.

Speaker 1 maybe it's when i go out and i'm like well in my worst you know in my in my my worst restaurants always like i basically don't have any choice so i end up having a sort of like uh stuffed pepper that's got couscous in it with some vegetables and it's like and that's fine no matter where i am it's like that's fine or there's like a fucking burger it's always a like everyone has a burger and chips and actually really nice but i'm quite fed up of just having that yeah and also i'm quite the sadness in in other people's eyes when they see there's not enough vegan options it's like i've i like affect the vibe of the hang.

Speaker 1 And so I suppose this is sort of like, well, hang on.

Speaker 1 I can actually just eat like a pig, like a little piggy when I'm out and just have like, you know, all the bread, all the hearty, ridiculous stuff that I don't ever get to have. So really go for it.

Speaker 1 But I will be knocked out. Like you're not going out after this or having after drinks.
Like I'm asleep. That's what the booth will come in really handy.
This is true. I can just slide down.

Speaker 1 Yeah, slide down. Oh, yeah, no, I was thinking slide off the seat and curl up underneath the table, but that's not that's not what I meant by what the booth would be handy.

Speaker 1 No, you could do that for the table. Yeah,

Speaker 1 now the floor will be handy. So you've got your mate, you've got Kyle and Bill Shakespeare there.
You don't want to be like

Speaker 1 the table.

Speaker 1 I think he'd be okay with it. He's quite a chill guy.
We went to have my first ever pie and mash the other day.

Speaker 1 I was at a pie and mash place then with because

Speaker 1 Carl had never had pie and mash before. And we went to like a place and so that, but then everyone got very angry because apparently it wasn't a specific pie and mash place.
Right. It was really nice.

Speaker 1 That would have been another one, actually, gravy, pie, and mash, because that doesn't feel very vegan. Things that don't feel vegan, I'm very interested in.

Speaker 1 Like an apple pie, you don't think it was vegan. Bread, you do.

Speaker 1 Basically, I just had a bit of a breakdown and said bread a lot.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I'm a varied woman, but it hasn't come through.

Speaker 1 Well, let's see. I'll read your menu back to you now and you can see how you feel about it.
I don't like it. Flat, sparkling water.
I don't want it.

Speaker 1 Okay, as we go through. As we go through.

Speaker 1 I've tried to be truthful.

Speaker 1 I was specifically like, I'm not going to go for the joke. And then halfway through, you were like, you sound like you're making me top.
Okay, go on.

Speaker 1 But each one, I want to hear whether you want to change it and why you're embarrassed by it, okay? Thank you. Yeah.
You want a French baguette with salted vegan butter? That's fine.

Speaker 1 Gingham server, yep. That's absolutely fine.
I back that. Starter.
Bread platter with olive oil and balsamic and dips. No, I think I'd swap that for like a cheese board.
A vegan cheesebutter. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, sure.
So they're a vegan cheese board. A vegan cheese board.
Yeah, with like crackers, so it's less bread. So it's a good bit of bread.
Main course nachos.

Speaker 1 I want to change it to a roast dinner.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 The nachos was the centrepiece of this whole episode. No, no, no.
No, no, okay. I'll stick with them nachos.
Okay. And then for starter, tiny roast dinner.
Okay, so changing the starter again now.

Speaker 1 Sorry, changing the dinner. Tiny roast dinner.
Completely. So

Speaker 1 very, very short amount of time.

Speaker 1 Side dish, paddle, and pepper poppers.

Speaker 1 That does sound delicious when you said it back to me. I was like, yes, please, I'd like some of them.
Drink a Stevie Martini. Great.
That's the only thing. And a Calamacho earlier in the meal.

Speaker 1 Yes, at some point. Just a vegan apple pie with cold vegan custard.
Yes, yes, like that. Yeah.
Okay. So we're basically, yeah, the starter is the main thing that you kind of was obsessed about.

Speaker 1 Yes, but now you're having a tiny roast dinner. And now I'm having a tiny roast dinner.
Yes. So like, you know, like when you eat like a like one, like little like a a doll's house.

Speaker 1 Little doll's house in the Yorkshire pudding. A Yorkshire pudding full of uh you can't make Yorkshire puddings for vegans.
Oh, okay. Because they've got like milk in them.

Speaker 1 And when you do make them, they're tiny and flat like a like a drinks coaster. They look like that.
They're awful.

Speaker 1 So I wouldn't even be bothering with that. It would be all about the

Speaker 1 gravy that's the thing. So as long as it's not a jus,

Speaker 1 I hate it when they're like, when it's, oh, here's your roasting, a butternut squash with a ju on it.

Speaker 1 I can't do that.

Speaker 1 It has to be a meat substitute. Yeah.
bisto gravy yeah okay yeah roast

Speaker 1 how tiny are we talking

Speaker 1 because your issue with starters initially was it's something you like but it's too small so it's gone yeah and you could have just said to us i want a full roast dinner for my starter because it's your dream menu we'd let you know yeah

Speaker 1 it's been scoppered by the rules all right

Speaker 1 that i've invented but no one said anything about restrictions that you've uh full roast dinner then yeah thank you yeah okay

Speaker 1 full-size roast dinner and then oh my god that's amazing thank you and then i've got the nachos to look forward to. Yep.

Speaker 1 And then I'm not stopping there because I wasn't topping it off with the pie. Oh, my God.
And you've got the Pedrum. The Bisto Peter.
Pedrum, Pepper, Pop. I was going to say, it's quite a range.

Speaker 1 Arbisto before we wrap it up. Ah, bisto.

Speaker 1 If Bisto are listening, Stevie does voiceover well. There you go.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Not for Bisto, though.

Speaker 1 Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Stevie. Hi, Stevie.
I messed that up so badly, but thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 Well, there we are, James. The wonderful Stevie Martin.
She fell apart. She fell apart, as I predicted in the intro, I think.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 She fell apart probably the most anyone's changed their menu at the last second. Yeah, really, a lot of self-doubt.
And I imagine all the way home that's going to be going around in their head.

Speaker 1 Yes, yeah, absolutely. And that's what we like to get into our guests' heads and maybe ruin their week.
Well, if there's any constellation to Stevie, you didn't choose Stevia.

Speaker 1 You didn't choose the secret ingredient. So it went better

Speaker 1 than you think it did, maybe. Yeah.
Could have

Speaker 1 from self-doubt to clout, Stevie is on tour now with her show Clout.

Speaker 1 So go and investigate the dates for that. Yes, it's going to be fantastic.
You should absolutely hurry along. Hurry along, and we will hurry along and go and make a new episode for you next week.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Jo What? You got yourself a deal. See you next week.
See you next week.

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