Sharon Wanjohi

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much.

And enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, filming the Deer Hunter of Cuma, sitting by the River Koi of Friendship and eating the Cobra of food podcasts.

Filming?

That is a gamble.

My name is James A.

Because Robert Zeniro is filming Deer Hunter, they sat by the River Koi and he ate Cobra.

So that's the intro.

To give away on a dream restaurant every single week.

Basic, man.

We're inviting the guests.

We ask their favourite ever start amazing.

Daenerys

on the podcast.

Side dish and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Sharon Wanjoi.

A wonderful comic.

Sharon is absolutely brilliant.

I've gigged with her a few times.

She's always fantastic.

She's got a great vibe.

Yeah.

So I'm looking forward to having her on the pod.

We've never gigged together, Sharon and I.

No.

I've watched her videos on YouTube, think she's very funny, and heard so many good things from so many comedians.

I'm very excited to actually finally be in the room.

James doesn't kick with any new comics because he refuses to do mixed bill shows.

Yes.

Yeah, why do I have to do that?

Why don't I do a mixed bill show?

James likes to go to the Bill Murray and do his little shows for everyone.

Yes.

And not look another comedian in the eye.

Bullseye.

You're looking a bullseye.

You're looking a bullseye.

But you won't look in a comedian's eye.

Well, I will look in a bullseye.

Yeah.

I'm not scared.

But listen, I'm I'm excited to be on a podcast.

Yes.

With an up-and-coming comedian.

Absolutely.

However, if Shaman says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable,

then we will be kicking him out of the dream restaurant.

And this week, the secret ingredient is anything that's good.

Anything that's good.

Anything that's good.

Another reference to Bob De Niro.

Yeah, look, we're recording this on the day that the De Niro episode went out.

So

there is, you know, there's a lot of talk about, you know, someone suggested online that we had anything as long as it's good.

Which was Bob's answer to a lot of the courses, which we respect.

So Sharon would have to say that phrase.

So we're not going to get rid of Sharon if she says anything

that's good.

Yeah.

But if she says, oh, anything as well, as long as it's good, then out.

Yes.

Bye-bye.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Also, huge shout-out to the person who commented that it was a real shame.

that Robert De Niro had done our podcast because it means like it it it gave it gave this particular listener the vision of a dystopian future where even this amazing Hollywood star has to go on these silly little podcasts and promote their wares.

And then they ended the post, I believe, by saying, no disrespect to the lads.

Yeah, it really made me laugh.

Yeah.

Ed shared that on the off-menu WhatsApp group this morning, didn't he?

Albertito shared it, yeah.

But I was very glad to see it.

Either way, I was delighted to see it.

It was very, very funny.

Very good.

That person's listening.

Thank you very much.

We appreciate you being in our corner.

Yeah.

Sharon is doing her debut show at the Edinburgh Fringe at the Pleasants.

So if you're heading up to Edinburgh, make sure you grab what is definitely going to be a hot ticket.

Yeah, you've got to get along to that show.

But for now, this is the off-menu menu of Sharon Manjohi.

Welcome, Sharon, to the Dream Restaurant.

Welcome

to the Dream Restaurant.

We're expecting for some time.

Hummina, Hummina, Nino, Nino.

Sorry, I thought we were doing sound effects when I got really excited.

I mean, James was doing a sound effect, I suppose, of bursting out of a lamp, but Hummina, Hummina, Nino, Nino.

James is the only one that's a human.

I haven't heard Hummina Hummina in ages.

Oh, we need to bring it back.

That's good.

Hummina, Hummina, Supremacy.

When was the last time you heard Hummina Hummina?

I mean, it's got to be a cartoon or an American sitcom of some sort.

I'm pretty sure that growing up, someone would quite regularly say hummina hummana.

What were you?

What's your frame of reference for that show?

Just on the streets.

I think it's the go-to cat call.

I heard it this morning on the way here.

Someone said hummina, hummina.

Oh, yeah, I was disgusted.

But it's wintage, so I was kind of like, okay, I see a throwback.

When you turned around, did it turn out that the person who said it was a cartoon wolf and their

tongue was on rolling

themselves on the head with a millet and their eyes burst out there.

Hummina, hummina.

Nino, nino, I've heard.

Yeah.

That's that's a that's more recent.

That's that that's that's never never going away.

No, hey, I haven't heard it after hummina hummana before.

Nino Nino is a good one.

A whale comer, you a foodie?

I eat food.

Okay.

Yes.

I think that's the full extent.

I'm not like a...

This pairs whale were the whale fin

sourced in Iceland in 2014.

Like I'll just eat it's if it looks good, I'm eating it.

Would you eat a whale fin that was sourced in Iceland in 2014?

Maybe in secret.

Yeah.

In secret.

Maybe if no one found out.

Just to say I did it.

Yeah.

You know, I'd be like,

yeah, you can't say you did it because it's in secret.

To myself.

I said I'd walk around with my head held high and I'd be like, I ate a whale fin.

Anyone brings you down, anyone says humming or humming to you on the street?

Hey, buddy, I ate a whale fin.

I'll have you know.

Actually, I think that would work.

I think if you get the cat callers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think they would back off.

Yeah.

If someone said, I ate a whale fin.

I ate a whale fin.

Police.

I'd call the the police if someone said that to me.

Nino Nino.

They're coming with the Nino Ninos.

You've got a show that you're taking to the Edinburgh Festival.

I am.

So exciting.

Can you reveal what it's called?

No, because I haven't named it yet.

Great.

It's still three months.

It's still kicking in the belly.

No, we won't.

Today is the way we're going to come up with the name.

I am.

At some point during the episode, together, we're all going to...

Hummina Hummina is obviously the front runner at the moment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How are you spelling that for the poster?

H-U-M-I-Hum.

I.

Is that crazy?

I see an I in it for some reason.

I is a very sexy letter, I think.

So I think it has that kind of.

What?

Is it the sexiest letter?

No, I'd argue it's E.

E.

Yeah.

E for it.

It's like curvy, but in like a sharp way.

The best of both worlds, you know.

Lower KC.

No, no,

hell no.

How dare you?

Have some respect for me, please.

Upper KC.

Upper KC, obviously.

Is that curvy?

I think so.

It's like a 90s supermodel.

Maybe like Euro.

The Euro E.

Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe that's the association.

Wait, do they use Euros in Italy?

Last time I checked.

Okay, thank you.

I've never been, so I don't know.

I'm glad that Ed knows stuff.

That's true, right?

Google what currency they use in Italy.

Okay, so Hammond, Hamana, Nino, Nino, is currently the front runner for what your show is going to be called.

What can people expect from this show?

David Show.

Yes, my first baby.

I'm going to be a mother, you guys.

What can people expect?

Fun, pussy money, weed,

good vibes, cool people, two-for-one entry.

I know, I just want to talk about life.

Yeah.

I think I might be the first person to do that.

I don't think anyone said ever, back to back, it's about pussy money weed, two-for-one entry.

Does that not make you excited to come?

I guess, like, pussy, money, weed, I hear that.

And it's, I'm thinking someone's talking about having a lot of money rather than it being good value for the people who are paying to see that.

Yeah, sure.

You know, turn up and expect to hear about a bunch of bargains.

Some money-saving tips.

I mean, we've had some people come on the podcast in the past and choose weed.

Really?

Yeah.

As an option?

As a pairing thing with beauty

with dishes.

Genius.

Has anyone done pills yet?

No, I just.

Do you prefer pills?

Is this on record?

I've never tried records.

We've recorded.

Is this thing on i've never tried drugs ever i've never taken a paracetamol i've never tried coffee how dare you even insinuate that i'm a good christian woman i'll have you know i don't even have the wine at church

like to speak about your favorite bits of the bible

oh all of it is so juicy i don't even know where to begin what's your favorite part of the bible uh what was my favorite part i like it when jesus trashes the temple yeah that is as fuck that that gets glossed over so much.

Yeah.

The fact that you absolutely trashed the fuck out of a temple once.

This is not what we're supposed to do.

Have you read that one, the bit that's supposed to be like, that was edited out of the Bible, like Jesus as a teenager when he blinds a kid?

No.

What?

Have you read that one?

No, I've not heard that.

Look it up, Benita.

That's true.

Apparently, there's a bit of the Bible they cut out.

Because you never hear about Jesus as a teenager.

No.

And like one of the stories is he gets annoyed with a kid and blinds him with his magic powers.

Oh my God.

Jesus has an ASBO.

Yeah, yeah.

That's crazy.

makes sense

makes sense that he would have an asthma or that he would not you know growing up with his powers that he

as a teenager he would misuse them at some point it makes sense i think they should have left it in yeah like that would that connects me more to jesus yeah one like we all had we all had a difficult teenage years right if i was at house working i could turn water to wine yeah yeah i'd do that to humans mate

water to aftershock

yeah

liquid.

This is great.

I'm going to have a hang of it for sure.

But then I guess if it is like during the school years, it'll all get a bit Harry Potter, won't it?

Yeah.

A bit like the Harry Potter series, I imagine.

The Christians are going to come for you.

Yeah.

My parents are Christians, so they're going to get me straight away.

You should have said that stuff.

You're going to help.

Benito, I want to be factually accurate.

What are we looking at here?

Benito can't find anything about blinding a kid, so now I'm worried I've made that up.

So apologies to anyone who's across the scripture.

No.

If you start a rumor about Jesus, that's cool.

Yeah, give it 100 years.

That's happened.

Yeah, yeah, that's.

We always start with still a sparkling water, Sharon.

Do you have a preference?

Sparkling all the way.

All the way.

All the way.

I love it.

It makes me feel like...

It's like the water equivalent of an LSD trip, but I've never done drugs, so I wouldn't know what that feels like.

You're obsessed with them, right?

Yeah.

You are the most drug-obsessed guest ever.

Yeah, but you've never done them.

You just like the idea of them.

I just like the idea of them.

I imagine that's what it'd be like.

Yes.

Love a bit of sparkling water.

I like it when it's like a brand you've never heard of before and it's like at the back of the fridge.

No one's touched it for like 25 years and it just tastes like TV static.

Put that aside.

That's interesting because we've had the TV static thing before, but it's normally people saying that they hate that.

But you like the idea of tasting TV static.

It's so whimsical.

Yeah.

How many parts of the day do we get to inject a bit of whimsy?

Have some funny water that bubbles on your dang.

It's so like

bubble, bubble, toil and double.

It's great.

I love it.

You went into witch territory at the end.

Yes.

Is that not allowed?

No, you can.

I'm just wondering if that's the vibe you'd like for your water course.

Do you want drawing from a cauldron?

Oh my God, bubbling.

Yes.

I want to see like a frog leg just kind of hanging on the side.

Get me a glass of that, please, waiter.

I'll have 10.

Do they always hang out in groups of three witches?

Is it?

I mean, well, that's the classic.

It is the classic.

That's a stereotype.

And we don't really like that stereotype.

We?

Yeah.

Like, I'll have like a big, you know, trip to Magaloof with the girls and there's like seven of us.

So it's not always just like three witches.

Sometimes it's more.

Sometimes it's, it really depends on the friendships you form, you know.

How many are going to Magaloof are witches?

Seven or seven or seven?

It was meant to be seven.

One dropped out yesterday, which is really annoying because we've kind of already paid for everything.

But, you know, she's trying to get Eye of Newt at the moment, which is really hard.

So, you know, we'll leave her to do her thing and just kind of send her pictures in the group chat, you know.

When you get the Eye of Newt, does it have to be alive

as you scoop it out?

It depends on what you're trying to do with it.

I think if it's like topical, i think it's better to have it powdered and you can control the kind of we've really kind of

yeah yeah i'm actually thinking about it now i'm like where can i get i of new yeah no i'd like to know about it i'm sure there's some shops you can get i of new 100 yeah witches are very in right so are they yeah is it the time of the witch feels like it's the time of the witch i felt like the time of the witch was when that film came out hocus pocus not hocus pocus not the witch the lizzie maguire movie the

the craft the craft yeah yeah I'm thinking of the craft.

But now I think, like, a lot of people buy crystals and stuff and say they're a witch, right?

Yeah, and I like that.

Yeah, you like that.

I think it's fun.

You're a crystal lady?

Yeah.

If I bought a tennis racket tomorrow, I'd tell everyone I was pro-tennis.

Why does it change just because it's crystals?

What?

Nobody needs to know.

I mean, tennis rackets work for the reason that they're made, though, right?

Yeah.

What are you saying about crystals?

What is bullshit, Sherry?

Oh, I'm going to curse you.

I'm going to curse you.

Well, I'd say a tennis racket.

Yeah, You can at least prove that it is a tennis racket by hitting a ball with it and it works in a game of tennis.

I'm not saying crystals don't work, but I'm just saying it's harder to go.

I'm just saying you can play tennis without charging your racket in a full moon.

You will both begin to turn blue in three days.

I was not saying this is a warning.

I've let you know.

If you say stuff like that, you sound like Jesus when he was 14.

That's what he used to say to kids.

He was right.

You're going to turn blue.

You keep bullying me.

do you want anything in that water do you want anything any ice any slice apart from the frogs like no i just want to just apart from the frogs yeah yeah i want to get straight to the water i don't have to fight my way through ice these giant ice cubes that are now suddenly popular can i just say giant ice cubes need to get in the bin yeah sorry that's something i'm really passionate about how dare you overload my i've asked for a little bit of ice yeah why am i just seeing ice in the cup why am i chewing my drink that's rude 100

the other day so like i'm trying to stop drinking well i've i've i've stopped drinking for a bit I mean yeah I'll go back to it yeah you will there's no way I'm

there's no way I'm quitting it forever but I'm having a little break yeah right it's been about a month and uh

and I went somewhere and uh I'll try the you know alcohol-free cocktails I had a no-gronie they brought it over with a block of ice in it that was like as big as the entire contents of the glass like which is okay when it's a boozy drink you kind of accept that it's not okay really but you accept it yeah when it's a mocktail you really get fucked off.

Because then it's the same price as a normal mock.

It's the same price.

There was hardly anything, and it's basically just juice.

Oh my god, I'd be like

two sips and it was gone.

And then the waiter turned up, and I was like, you know, I was a bit annoyed.

But the waiter turned up and went, oh, you finished that quickly.

I went, yeah.

You fuck all in it.

It was made of the ice, that's why.

That's cheeky.

They were taunting you.

That was a social experiment to see if you'd say anything.

Yeah.

I think, I mean, I get it with a booze cocktail, but I'd rather have no ice in it.

Just give me a very cold glass.

Warm, jolly.

Very cold glass.

And then when you're shaking or mixing a cocktail, it gets a cold anyway.

So freezing cold glass, cocktail in there.

And then, because I'm knacking it anyway, Sharon.

It's going down quick.

I don't need ice in there to keep it cold over the next half an hour when I drink it.

You may?

Yeah, yeah.

Just put the cold drink in my body as quickly as possible.

You shake because you love alcohol so much.

Yeah, in the mornings.

Problems of bread.

Problems of bread, Sharon, Joey.

Problems of bread.

Nino, Nino.

I'm on the bread.

Switch around.

Clip.

Gotta keep you guessing.

Yeah, Nino, Nino came out.

The police knew what was coming.

It was a sting.

It felt right at the time.

A sting.

It has to be bread.

It has to be bread.

And it has to be hard bread.

And I want the bread to not be very good.

I think bread is a vehicle for butter.

If I could say to the way, hey, just bring me a spoon and I'll get on with the butter.

If that was socially acceptable, I would.

You just eat the butter with a spoon.

We could do that for your...

I mean, this is your dream, me.

This This is your dream.

It's not a secret all the time, but I'm saying if society accepted it, we'd be in a much better position, I think, just globally.

Okay.

So hard, stiff bread that just cuts the inside of my mouth.

Yeah, it's almost pain.

It feels like a bush ducker trial.

Like I'm struggling, like I'm crying.

Like, why am I doing this to myself?

Soft, creamy butter, fresh.

I want to taste the udder.

Just spoonfuls of that.

I want to taste the udder.

I want to taste the cow's name.

Well, listen.

We can do that for you we can we can have it that you just lick butter off of an udder if you like oh my gosh you don't have to go through the rigmarole of pretending you like bread or having that we can just butter up a live cow's udder and you can have the whole all the butter off of there and don't worry about it but not being socially acceptable this is your dream meal so we don't have to have anyone there oh okay empty restaurant i'm just on the floor on my hands and knees i imagine muddy for some reason i know there's mud in there somewhere you want it and i'm just licking yeah soft creamy butter butter's udder.

That sounds like my next birthday plans, actually.

That sounds incredible.

And happy birthday.

So you can taste the cow's name.

Yes.

What's the cow's name?

Oh,

where am I?

Give me a location.

Let's do Vivimpoff.

Well, Newcastle?

Yeah.

Newcastle.

I'm getting Penelope.

Penelope.

Geordie name.

I don't know any Geordie name.

Sounds good in Geordie, though.

Penelope.

Love that.

I mean, I'm not one to criticize accents, but that's what

you do a Newcastle accent.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

It's not as easy as it sounds, is it?

He really gets in his head with accents, Sharon.

Yeah, I do.

Accents mean a lot to me.

Whenever we have actors on, he always asks them how do you do voices?

He's always blown away by acting.

No, I can't understand how people can do it.

Do

a little boy, and he's just falling down a well, but he's kind of happy about it.

That's your prompt.

Oh, hey, man, I'm just falling down a well.

Oh, he's from Newcastle Newcastle as well.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm from Newcastle.

I'm from Newcastle.

I'm down a well.

The last thing I'd shout if I was down a well was where I was from.

Right.

Then anyone, you know, anyone else who kind of is from there will probably empathise with you, but if you get you out of the well, yeah.

Well, if they're from Leeds, would they just walk away from the well?

Yeah.

Oh, it's from Newcastle.

Yeah, it could be, actually.

Yeah, you can see the pitfalls of that, yeah.

Driving a wedge there.

So maybe, maybe I wouldn't say that.

Surprised myself of how good that was.

That was really active.

That was actually.

Yeah, that was great.

No, give myself a good idea.

Sharon agrees.

Sharon, do you agree?

I'm a guest, so I have to say yes.

Correct.

I'm sorry.

You do your one.

You're in Newcastle.

No.

Oh, fair enough.

No, that was enough.

We said yes to stretching pressure for you.

I value people who come and see me at Newcastle, so I refuse to do it.

I value them as well.

They know that I value them.

Oh, yeah.

They know I value them, but I will always do their accent when I do gigs there as well.

So you can do the accent.

Yeah, it's good at accents.

No, but not under pressure, I'll be honest.

He is good at accents, though.

I admire him when I go and see a stand-up.

He does a lot of voices.

I do do a lot of voices.

Does he do any problematic ones?

Yep.

No, I stick to the

broadly white European, I'd say.

Give us your best Malaysian accent.

Okay, here we go.

And a three, two, one.

Benito should do a hard cut to sound effects then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get Phil Wang to record something and then we'll drop it in.

Any particular type of butter?

Any brand that you'd like on this?

And the cow's going to be docile, by the way.

Well, this is butter, the chilled out.

There was never a doubt in my mind that the cow would be up for it.

I'd like to think they'd fill out couple forms and, you know, consent forms.

Yeah, I think so.

And the cows, yeah, the cow's not like kicking around.

No, okay.

Why am I here?

So I take it when you say brand of butter, James, surely the butter is made from the milk that's come from the other that you're looking at.

Yeah, so yeah, 100%.

I want the full experience.

I I think I'm going to bond it up.

You get a pack of butter from the soup.

Oh my God.

If I was a cow and you put someone else's butter on me, I'd start a revolution.

Yeah.

I'd start campaigning.

Yeah, I wanted to do that.

It's kind of weird for the cow to have its own butter put back on its udder, I would say.

I think it's kind of like a breastfeeding mum having milk around her nipple.

It's kind of like, oh, that's a bit, it's not where it's meant to be.

But the milk's been taken away, put into butter form, and then spread back on the mum's nipple.

I think you're turning it into something grotesque.

Breast milk, and then someone went away and made butter out of it, and then put put it on the boobs.

I think it should be like, This is not the same as if some milk got it.

Are you guys breastfeeding mothers?

That's true.

We can't speak for you.

There we go.

I'm breastfeeding mothers.

Someone's got to pay it forward.

Goes down the chain.

It's not a satisfying experience for them.

Is it like a human centipede where they're all just kind of hanging off the nipple before?

That's an awful image.

That's good.

I mean, if the makers of the human centipede are looking for a sequel, Yeah.

Your dream starter.

I want more bread.

I want more bread, but now with things on the bread.

Okay, is this the bad bread again?

No, no, now this is good bread.

Oh, no, so hang on.

You didn't have bread in the proper numbers of bread.

You have it as like a vehicle.

Yeah.

No, because you got the other, because you got the other in the first one.

So now

this is the first bit of bread you're having.

Oh, in that case, I don't think I'd have bread.

What?

I'd want bread times two.

Bread to the bread in the bread course as well.

You know, if what you'd prefer is the bread that's the vehicle for the butter, you don't want to have it off the cow's header.

We were just trying to steer you towards what you were saying you would do definitely.

If it's an option, I'm not going to say no.

But if I'm like on a first date, for example, I'm not going to bring my own cow with me.

I think that would be insane.

So I would like fake the bread.

I'd be like, oh, this bread is so good, but actually I'll have had like five tubs of butter.

I really like your instinct, which was I'm either having bread times two or no.

No bread.

Why would I have bread if I wasn't having bread before?

Because then you're having bread.

No, bread is nice when you have more bread after.

Right.

When you're in anticipation of more bread.

Okay.

Yeah.

But then you have to have bread, though, right?

You have to have bread before you have the bread.

I, I, when I have a break.

But then

I have the bread.

But the first time you have the bread, you haven't had any bread before that, have you?

I think I'm kind of always in a state of having just had bread.

I don't think I go more than two or three hours without having bread in my system.

Okay.

It makes me feel off.

It's like I haven't taken my meds that day.

We'll give you some bread.

I don't know why you don't understand this.

Yeah.

No, no, I've given up now.

So we'll give you some bread with the udder.

Yes.

But then your starter is more bread with

things on it.

With things on it.

And is this the bad, the bad bread?

No, this is good bread.

This is good bread.

This is delicious bread now.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it important to you that you start with bad bread and then have good bread?

Yes.

Because you can't start with good bread and then go to bad bread because you're like, I've just had good bread now.

I'm having bad bread.

What the heck?

Yeah, yeah.

What the H-E-C-K?

You're spilling that out because of how Christian you are.

Talk us through the good bread.

Good bread has to be soft.

In my mind, when I'm eating it, I want to see like an old Italian man who just loves his kids and he's always complaining of, oh,

Mario not do good in uni.

And I want to hear him say that

when I'm eating the bread and he has a moustache and he laughs, he has like a really big, jolly laugh.

Yeah, that's what I want to taste when I bite.

Did Mario no good do good uni no do good uni.

Yeah, what course is Mario doing?

You know, don't say plumbing.

And I really wanted to

tell.

Yeah.

Graphic designer.

God.

Why not?

Yeah.

So all the jobs are.

Why isn't he doing good now?

Why isn't he doing good?

Why may I do good?

He's just getting distracted.

He's just getting distracted by all the pretty girls because graphic design has quite a few pretty girls in it.

Does it?

It does.

I think as university degrees go, it's pretty up there in terms of the Fitbirds.

Wow.

Wow.

Or instantly regretted seeing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hamina, Hamina.

Humana, Hamina.

So you want to imagine an old Italian man complaining that his son isn't doing well at university, yeah, yeah, that's the sort of bread you want, absolutely.

So, like an Italian bread, like a focaccia or something, it doesn't have to be Italian, no, but the man making it has to be Italian, and I need to taste that, and I need to know Mary's not doing good, yeah, academically, yeah,

what's on the bread,

um, it depends on the cuisine.

I think if I'm at an Italian restaurant, I want like you know, classic bruschetta.

I want to say brochetta, I want to say brochetta, um, just want some tomatoes on that bitch, sup a bit of fucking olive oil.

Are you crazy, but a fucking sexy bit of olive oil?

Yeah, now we're talking.

That's beautiful, that.

A little bit of garlic.

Fuck it.

Why not?

It's a Sunday.

Just

get a bit crazy with it.

Where have we ended up?

So, like,

a bit more sinister for this one.

I think the cow's getting a bit scared.

Yeah.

This is sinister?

Well, the way you just said that.

Listen back to it when it goes out.

I will.

That's more of a sinister character than the person who was licking the cows out of her.

The cow's into it, though.

Is the cow there for the whole meal now?

I'd like to think so.

I think we go on the journey together.

I think if someone was eating my butter off my breast, I'd want to stay for the rest of the meal and see how they got on.

And would the cow feel like I'd want to go home?

Would the cow be eating as well?

Would the cow be just chilling, taking in the atmosphere?

Tomatoes on that bit.

Probably do a couple rounds of like, are they on a first date?

You know, just kind of have a good time.

She's just been licking the cow's tips.

So

I hope they know each other.

It's a bit much for a first date, if anything.

And do you want the Italian man to be there as well?

No, I actually want him to be in Italy.

So we never cross paths, but I know he's out there.

It's kind of like a Sophie Kinsella book where we're like kind of, we're just like ships in the night.

Yeah.

We're at the airport at the same time, but I'm going to Italy.

He's coming to London, for example.

We just, you know, keep missing each other.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I don't, I don't need many books.

It's so because other books are there, people just like missing each other narrowly.

It's like classic beach read romance.

It's me and my boss don't get along, but actually he's going to fuck me in his elevator in three weeks.

Like, it's very like wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Wow, so the character can predict what's gonna happen in the future.

I thought I like to think the readers can.

Oh, the reader can.

Oh, the reader can't.

Wait, wait, why would the character go and I'm gonna be fucked up?

Yeah, the psychology

in three weeks.

I'm gonna get fucked in this elevator.

Yeah, what a stupid

opening paragraph to a book.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me and my boss don't really get on, but in three weeks, I'm gonna fuck it.

I have like three chapters on my desk on Monday.

I'll be on board for that.

Okay, yeah, but it's not that, it's it's you just know there's an italian man in the world yes yeah yeah i just i feel his presence yeah like hold on it's like when you smell your mum's perfume in perfect you're like wait that reminds me of something yeah yeah yeah if you ever meet like an italian man who's like in his teens or 20s who's like sane about is struggling at university do you ever ask them can your dad bake

I mean, I haven't had the chance to so far, but now I'm going to be on the lookout.

I'm going to add every Mario in London on Facebook and I'm going to ask, what does your dad do for a living?

That would be my opening line.

There's got to be one.

There's got to be one.

There's got to be one Mario in London whose dad's a baker, right?

There has to be one.

Yeah.

But you also say, I think you've got to ask them, what does your dad do for a living?

And are you keeping your grades?

That's the two things you have to write.

Who are you?

And

I'm not thinking about my children.

So you're not going to waste your time with like.

Yeah, my dad's a baker.

And then you're like, right, great.

I want to meet your dad and all this.

And then you discover

they've taught their class

they're going to get first.

The teacher's pet.

That would annoy me.

So, if you find, I mean, basically, you've got to say, you've got to start going to your lectures because your dad's really worried and it's affecting his lecture.

No, because I think the fact that the dad is stressed means he's pouring that energy into the bread because he's like kneading the dough, really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mario.

So, I wouldn't want Mario to get his grades up.

If anything, I'd be like, hey, like, I know we're a great number for cat.

Let's go listen to some of the things.

But you don't like it.

I don't know.

I wouldn't.

I would, you know, ask maybe like a a youth.

I wouldn't know.

But I would

ask for the number from someone who would know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you ruin Mario's life in order to improve his dad's bacon.

People have done worse for less.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

That story was cut out of the Bible from Jesus doing that.

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Your dream man calls for a main.

I want my mother's cooking, but from the summer of 2007 specifically, I want to, when I bite into this meal, so like Kenyan food is where I'm from in Kenya, tribe-wise, it's very like earthy, it's very like maizey and grainy, and I love that.

And all together, it's absolutely chef's kiss.

But I want it from 2007 specifically because there's something about you know your mother's cooking growing up, and you just remember, like, I don't know, it takes you back to that place.

It's like that scene of ratatui.

So, I want to taste like the recession I want to taste groovy chick I want to taste basil brush like I want to just bite into it and just have all those memories flood into my head so was your mum's cooking particularly good in 2007 100 were you doing badly at school um oh my god you've just made a quick connection i was really struggling with mario there we go it works was i the mario all along yeah oh my god wow what a twist guys i'm coming out as a mario so this is a platform to do it

thank you.

You're also supported.

So, what were the things you want to taste?

Recession, Basil Brush, and Groovy Chick.

And Groovy Chick.

Specifically, Groovy Chick.

What was that?

Groovy Chick was like Bratz or Barbie that kind of like, this is marketed towards young girls.

And it had this one blonde chick with, I just remember

a lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I think you'd recognize the style of it.

If you saw it, you'd be like, oh, yeah, I know that bitch.

She likes a cartoon.

Yes.

Very skinny.

Yes.

Like,

pencil thin.

Almost, yes.

Yeah, I know Groovy Chick.

What's happened?

I see Groovy Chick around a lot now.

It's coming.

Because I guess it's like nostalgic now.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's like retro.

We get it.

It was so cool in year six.

Do you know what I mean?

I feel like the girls who wear Groovy Chick now would have bullied me back in the day, and I resent them for it.

Right.

I hate women, by the way.

I don't know if that's true.

You're in good company.

Yes.

Women, Benito.

I'm trying to get you guys cancelled.

This is great.

That sound bite that.

Cancelled by women.

We've still got a lot of people listening to the fellas are looking at it.

Let's keep listening.

I didn't know I was on the Andrew Tate podcast.

This is great.

He gets good numbers.

So what is the actual dish?

So I'd have like...

I don't know how to explain Kenyan food.

Mokimo, which is like a mash with spinach and sometimes sweet corn or maize in it.

It's absolutely stunning.

It's just like a mash, but with more flavour.

And then you have things like chapati, which is borrowed from India.

There was kind of a lot of crossover with the dishes of Kenya and India.

I'd have a classic stew, give me beef.

Again, I want to taste the cow's name.

That's going to be a recurring question.

Can I just check?

This isn't the same cow.

No, this, oh, God, no.

And I wouldn't eat in front of her.

I'd like shield myself.

I'd be like,

yeah, because if you taste the name and then it turns out that Penelope knew

you were related, maybe she hated, maybe Penelope hated this particular cow.

She was like, yeah, fuck that bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

Eat her again.

I don't know.

Something along this.

No, I'd feel bad.

Fellow countryman?

No.

That's awful.

Maybe somewhere that he'd be a British cow.

That'd be a good way to get some sort of.

Yeah, she's from Newcastle.

Penelope's not from Newcastle.

She just grew up there.

Racially, she's black.

Yeah.

And definitely African.

Like, why would you ask?

You should have asked that.

You shouldn't have assumed, how dare you?

Don't whitewash my history.

Yeah.

But

I'll say it now and then you'll go back and put it in.

okay?

And what's Penelope racially?

Drop that in.

Drop that in.

Just because I don't want to get in trouble.

Forgot to ask where the cow was born.

Sharm should answer it.

Or do you want me to.

I'll just jump in and go, Black Eye, Imagine.

Sound like that.

Yeah, so just put it in like that.

Oh, I hope AI gets a hold of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the recent crimes.

Black Eye Imagine.

That's it.

End of career.

Shaman replaces me on the podcast.

Everyone's happy.

I plan all alone.

Yeah, what is the link between,

when I was in Kenya, which is only once, I had the best samosas I have ever had anywhere.

Kenya.

Only once.

What were you doing in Kenya?

My dad...

Colonising, I imagine.

Yeah, I was colonising, actually.

It went pretty well.

When he was 23, my dad lived there for three years.

He's a teacher there.

So for his 50th, we all went back there to see the people that he used to work with.

But

there was this garage around the corner from where we were staying.

The best samosas I've ever had.

They are incredible.

They are just incredible.

They are wild.

And like, I think I think about them quite a lot.

Oh, my God.

But, like, I didn't know there was like when you just said then about the link between Indian food and the people.

There is.

There's a kind of like a mass migration in like the 60s, 50s and 60s.

So they brought a lot of food, which is nice.

And it still exists in Kenya today.

I think we just kind of borrowed a lot of like, yep, we'll have that.

That's tasty.

So now that's Kenyan.

I've been to Kenya as well.

Really?

What?

What the hell are you guys doing in Kenya?

What were you doing in Kenya?

Think of the posh's reason to go to Kenya.

Safari.

Yep.

yeah go on then i'll have a couple elephants alive thank you shay

just climbing out the jeep with a bowl of butter yeah going towards an elephant the amount of animals i let butter sharon's hungry what did you see uh most of the big ones sorry most of the main ones i'd say most of the big ones yeah the main ones yeah yeah the main ones what were the main ones pigs

i was hoping you were going to say the main ones weren't lions oh that's good yeah yeah yeah little that's a little little coming down about mains, the main ones.

Oh,

you know, the main ones.

Oh, that's.

Sorry, you really, you set me up there.

And that's really embarrassing.

Yeah, sorry.

I think you should quit comedy now.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you should quit comedy, too.

I think you should move to Mexico now, Ed.

That's really embarrassing.

We tell him this every week.

Me and Benito say, I'll quit everybody.

So Benito goes, Ed, can I have a word?

You should quit comedy.

Well, either plane tickets, just leave.

Yeah, no one has to do that.

He still books me for a stupid gig.

Kenyon Fanta.

You know about Kenyon Fanta?

Delicious.

Isn't it absolutely incredible?

And it's orange.

Yes.

It's like orange.

You know the colour orange?

Yeah.

It's,

I don't know what they put in it, but it's like crack.

And again, I've never done drugs, so I wouldn't know what that is.

I wouldn't know what that is.

Every method is just a drug.

Yeah, you really keep letting this.

It's like love crushing it and snorting it.

And it's like a drink.

Always a different drug every time as well.

We've talked about Kenyan Fanta on this podcast before.

With a Kenyan?

No, it's been people who've bought up Fanta in other African countries.

And then I've said...

Yes.

I love Kenyan Fanta.

No, maybe some people have bought up.

No, Nigerian Fantas come up before.

Nigerian Fantas come up before.

Nigerian Fanta is incredible.

I think maybe.

Yeah, maybe Kenyan Fantas.

No, you can buy that here.

No?

Where?

Yeah, in the places where the white people aren't.

Oh, as soon as I go there, it'll vanish.

The ultimate dilemma.

Yeah.

Gentrification sometimes works against us.

And then I'd probably pair it with like a watermelon elf bar, I think, just as like a little palate cleanse.

Yes.

A watermelon what?

Elf bar.

What's an elf bar?

A vape.

It's a vape.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Just to kind of like.

It's the first shout out for elf bars.

We've had someone pick a Lost Mary for them.

Oh, no.

Lost Mary at the end of the meal, surely.

Surely.

Just to top it off nicely.

I think in the middle of a meal, it's way too intense.

Yeah.

You've got to calm down there.

Whoever said that needs to calm down, maybe check in on them because that is honestly Michelle Deswa.

That's.

I ain't checking in on Michelle Deswort.

No, she said I was like Kramer.

I said I was like Kramer's English cousin.

It was bad.

How did you feel about that?

Well, I couldn't argue about it because she just said you're like,

there's an episode of Seinfeld and Kramer's English cousins coming to visit and Kramer's really stressed because they don't get on, but everyone keeps saying Kramer, but you're exactly alike.

So not only was it like spot on, she'd done me, but also completely.

It's like Seinfeld episodes.

Yeah, so it's like well

she read you for film.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

So you've are you vaping while you're eating in between bites or are you waiting until the end of the meal?

You finish the meal so you have the full experience and then you go with an elf bar just to kind of palette cleanse.

It's a palette cleanse.

It's a palette cleanse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At some point at the start of the episode, you were like, I'm not really a connoisseur with food that I've this pairs with this, but with vapes, you're like, oh, that's at the end of the meal.

100.

And after that, you have to match notes.

So like I wouldn't have a watermelon elf bar with, say, a steak.

That would be completely wrong.

What flavor vape would you pair with the steak?

I imagine I'd go for something a bit more tart, maybe a cherry, if I'm feeling a bit adventurous.

Yeah.

Perhaps a banana ice, but that is a bit crazy.

I know, I know.

Cherry and steak, I completely understand.

That's nice.

Yeah, it's like a red one.

And that's why you're intelligent.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why you're smart and amazing.

And addicted to nicotine, yeah.

He is addicted to nicotine.

It's nice, isn't it?

It's so great.

It's really nice.

Oh, it's so much fun.

I don't care what anyone says.

Everyone in this life has a vice, right?

And it might be drugs, might not be, but it might also be nicotine, might be working a lot, might be watching Shrek over and over and over and over

again.

So I think if it's nicotine, at least you're not killing children.

It's far too quick to say watching Shrek over and over and over again.

No, I've never seen Shrek.

Right.

Is this like you've never done drugs?

Do you want to know some food-based trivia about Shrek that I learned recently?

Yes.

Yeah, the gingerbread man.

Yes.

Shrek.

The person who does the voice for that.

When John Lifkoe went in to film that scene, it was just a member.

Huh?

Film?

Record.

I've got to break some bad news to you about Shrek, man.

No, it's real.

It's real.

It's real.

It's real.

Yeah, when they went to film.

When he went into record that scene, a member of the production team read the lines of the gingerbread man, and they were so good at it that they just kept in that person.

Oh, my God.

Not a voice actor, it's someone who's working on.

Do they sound like that?

Is that their real voice?

Yes, it's their normal voice.

Give us a quick blast of the gingerbread, man.

Not my gum drop buttons.

It's good, isn't it?

That is very good.

Wait till you hear his Shrek.

I do want to hear Shrek.

Wait till you hear this, Sharon.

What do you want Shrek to be doing or saying?

I want to say that.

Wait, do you want to be baking butter off a cow's address?

Yes, perfect.

Donkey!

I thought it was you.

I didn't know it was a cow, don't get it.

I thought it was you, donkey.

I swear I would never do that.

I would never, ever, don't care.

I would never, ever look butt off anyone else apart from you.

Do you like that?

Sharon looks gobsmacked.

I'm so lost for words.

There are so many questions surging through my head right now.

The first one is it was supposed to be Shrek.

Vaguely Scottish man threatening to suck off a donkey.

It sounded like...

He's apologising for the donkey.

We're not sucking off the donkey.

Yeah, the donkey's caught looking butt off a cow's out of him and isn't happy about it.

Is it in secret?

Are like the the lights off and yeah

okay in his swamp house or wherever shrek lives in a little swamp house when we when we did a live tour quite often i would force james to do a shrek impression on stage and i'd get the audience to do like improv suggest where where's shrek what's he doing and what sort of mood is shrek in and i'd say eight out of nine times that we did it nine out of nine yeah horny they all said horny oh so i've seen james be horny shrek more often than than than i thought i would oh that's that's brilliant i think that's art

i didn't like it you didn't enjoy it no which made it obviously funnier of course i think all artists suffering yeah i had to had to yes and it knew that it was good for the gig to just do it but um didn't like it that's okay didn't

he suffered in his time i really resent it and just think these are these are the

audience we've got is it these idiots they know they know i hate them yeah yeah oh don't shot sharon okay they love it yeah they love it they love that james hates them oh my god kind of sadistic yeah bdsm relationship do you have with your audience?

Yeah, BDSM stood for brilliant.

Burnt out quickly there.

I was really, it started off very quickly.

I was like, yeah, okay.

What?

Sexy?

Brilliant.

Well, BDSM, you fucking brilliant.

It's coming up, mate.

It'd be good if you planned in advance with this.

D douche.

No, because you're not a douche.

No.

Deity.

Elevate yourself.

Oh, yeah.

Brilliant deity

says,

money.

Money for all of you.

Yeah, that is what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brilliant deity says money.

Yeah, there you go.

We got there in the end.

That was worth it, wasn't it?

Dream side dish.

Okay, I don't know if this is allowed.

I don't know if this is in the rule book, but my dream, dream side dish is, you know, when you go for a night out, you get fucked up.

I'm talking about fucked up, like kissing your cousin fucked up.

And then you go, you go get a little chip.

You jump in now and say, no, I don't know.

We've all been there, right, you guys?

I know what you're talking about.

Thanks, James.

It's all so supported by you.

It's all so validated.

You go for a chippy and you get home and you are just off your face.

Like you fall asleep, kind of one tit hanging out of your short dress, chips in hand, lights on, one eyelash here, one eyelash on the wall.

And then you wake up like an hour and a half later and you're still steaming, but you're like, I didn't eat my chips.

And and they're kind of congealed and cold.

And you can taste the pigeon ankles.

That I would have that as a side dish.

They always slap.

James looks so sad.

Just sounds the most disgusting thing.

I thought this was a loving supporter podcast.

Yes, try.

Yeah, weird that James supported you on kissing his cousin and backed out when it came to eating cold chips.

Too much, yeah, actually.

You're taking

a life.

My cousin said, Would you care for some cold chips?

I'm like, Shut up and come on.

I mean, it sounds bad, Shaman.

It doesn't sound, you've not made them sound nice.

No, because you have to be in that headspace.

So it's not going to be nice when you're like, I don't know, you're sober and you've just gone from picking strawberries or something wholesome.

You have to be like, oh, I made some mistakes tonight, brother.

Like starving, but still drunk.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you've got one heel on and the other one.

God knows where it is.

Starving.

Yeah, yeah.

Who cares?

Who cares at this point?

Because you've got cold chips.

You've got nuggets that taste a little bit like what you imagine pigeon would taste like.

And you're happy in that moment.

You're so happy and unaware of the world's problems and struggle.

And it's just a beautiful moment, I think.

It's what it represents.

So how many nuggets you got in there?

I want to say like five and a half at this point because you've had a couple on the walk over.

Yeah.

You know, you've cat called some guys, made some really horrible, aggressive mistakes that night.

When you cat call some guys, what does that sound like?

What are you shouting to them?

See, now I feel like I have to say homina, homina, and you sure.

but really it'd be like, alert your ankles, or yeah, yeah, call those earlobes.

It have to be like slightly weird, just huh?

I want them to have a look of surprise on their face.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm trying to define what a cat call is, but you call those earlobes doesn't feel like a cat call.

Oh, trust me, if you were on the receiving end of that, you'd go home crying.

Yeah, yeah.

Probably move back home for a bit.

So it's what you're headed.

The aim of cat call is to destroy someone.

Not destroy, but just make them think for the next couple of years, like, like what did that mean like they're falling asleep at night they're almost there and then they're like illobes illobes illobes ill ops i would say i don't want to like tread all over your brand of cat calling but um i think traditionally they're not thinkers cat calls oh no they're not like people go home and go what did that builder yeah exactly mean when they said nice tits yeah like it's subversive pretty to the point yeah yeah but you're but you're saying the good a good cat call makes you think unravels someone it makes you go that alliteration on line two was that was intentional line two yeah so you're hanging around for line two oh this is a soliloquy baby yeah i gotta see where this goes this is shakespearean look at shakespearean in these streets getting all

these motherfucking things like yeah it's impressive

i quite like the idea of the cold chips i love that yeah you're going to be in a certain state of mind when you eat the side dish which is difficult because it's a side dish so you'd be eating the main yeah yeah and then what so when you turn to the side dish you suddenly feel

a lot has happened between the main and the side dish dish so you're eating the whole main first and then eating the side dish eating the whole main it's really wholesome you're still in the restaurant at this point and then someone goes shall we should we fuck it should we go out we're only young once you end up in a club that you've never heard of before all the alcohol is non-branded you don't actually know what they're pouring you it tastes kind of vaguely ethanoly but you're like oh this could be paint stripper yeah you're off your face you're grinded to dubstep it doesn't make any sense why are you gyrating your hips and hearing ounce

it doesn't make sense but you're having a fucking great time and you think do you know what i had my main It's time for my side dish.

You go back to the restaurant now in this inebriated state.

You have the chips.

They're hot when they get to you, obviously.

A lot more shit goes down.

Go back to the club, right?

Because we've been making a meal of this.

Order more drinks.

Suddenly, you're in a smoking area with a guy who doesn't speak English, but you're having a full-on conversation.

It's beautiful.

This is what the earth is about.

This is, we are the world.

We are the.

Do you know what I mean?

It's Michael Jackson.

Oh, my God.

He's alive.

You go back to the restaurant.

Michael Jackson's the guy, the guy in in the smoking area?

He's the guy in the smoking area.

But he can't speak English.

He doesn't speak any English at this point.

So he's come back to life, but he now can't speak English.

No, he's been living away for a long time, so it's just completely, it doesn't exist in his head anymore.

Right.

Does the cow come to the club?

Cow wouldn't come to the club.

I think that'd be a bit much.

That'd be stupid.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It'd be dumb.

Michael Jackson doesn't like cows famously, so it just wouldn't make sense, would it?

It does sound...

Ed, I'm going to need you to find some positives here because it sounds like a wake in hell.

No, I think a lot of a lot of sharon's menu is uh nostalgia and about moments in time

and i think what the cold chips signify is they may taste great in that moment they're obviously not a great tasting thing but they represent you know you've had an amazing time and you know you're just there yeah enjoying it it's okay not everyone you know not everyone's a genius in their time i like to think after i pass away people were like oh my god remember sharon on that on that off the menu podcast

and then they'll meet you in the smoking area of a club and go and i won't speak any english yeah yeah in terms of life

without michael jackson in the background

what would you be talking to michael jackson about do you think i imagine because at this point he owns a corner shop right

kind of somewhere in st john's wood and he's kind of just moved back into the area and he's like you know it's been hard for me back in my country of origin i was a doctor i've had to come here and set up a new business that sharon this isn't michael jackson mate this is some this is not michael jackson this is michael jackson because you're you're throwing a kiwi

i am pretty hammered on something called

and i don't know what it is

but it does taste like it might kill me so it might no but i like to think it is michael jackson he's just kind of is it a reincarnation no no no this is this is he's not saying he's not saying he's michael jackson though wait guys you know he's not dead right

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Your dream drink.

I want the strawberry Ribena from pre-Watts Face who made sugar evil.

You might feel that way.

He was doing it for your own good.

He was trying to be told that healthier for you.

I want that at that stage of my life.

I want it now.

I think it's great.

But no,

pre-sugar Ribena.

You don't want it now because you want to go back to the Ribena.

It was before.

I understand it now.

You understand it now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, this is another nostalgic dish.

This is nostalgia for certain times of your life.

It is.

It's a crisp Ribena.

I'm on a Mundo bike, and there's a boy I fancy two streets down, and I'm riding, and I fall off and I scrape my knee.

Ah, ah,

I go up to the boy.

Ah, hey,

I scrape my knee.

This has got to be a clip because people have got to see Sharon's face when she's doing that.

You're like, Can we not do it?

Yeah.

I've never ridden a bike before.

Can I?

The disgust on your faces is not making me feel confident.

I think it's brilliant.

I'm also confused.

I'm not confused.

I'm like that.

Are you in the moment with me?

Thank you.

Oh, I don't have any plasters.

That's okay.

I might come back tomorrow.

That's okay with you.

You might come back.

Come back tomorrow with a scrub.

Yeah, because I'm eager eager to chill by tomorrow.

I thought you were coming back tomorrow for a plaster.

No, I mean, just to vibe.

But in that moment, I'm embarrassed.

I've just scraped my knee.

So you've cycled.

So let's recap.

You're cycling on the street.

You fall off the bike, scrape your knee.

As a boy,

your age,

you can't find himself.

But he's just like standing on the street.

So he's just on the pavement.

He's just chilling.

And you go up to him and say, I just scraped my knee.

Yeah.

In an American accent.

With the wooze.

With the wooz.

And he says, I don't have a plaster.

You say, that's okay.

I might come back to vibe.

voice.

Is there anything wrong with that?

Yeah.

I'm embarrassed.

Yeah.

The boy that I like has just seen me fall down.

Yeah.

I'm nervous.

But I also like that you say, I've just scraped my knee.

And his first thing he says is, I don't have any plasters.

I don't have any plasters.

Because he wants to be helpful, but he acknowledges that in the moment he can't help.

And I like that.

He's emotionally sensitive, I think, in this version of the thing.

And he's okay with me doing a voice.

I like the voice.

See, I did it on a date the other day, and she never texted me back.

I think I killed it.

What kind of name?

Did you do that?

She was like, let's check in.

How are you feeling about this date?

And I was like,

I like this date.

You're very pretty.

Oh,

should I have said that out loud?

Oh, well.

And then I thought.

Fuck it out, Sharon.

That was not the worst thing I've ever heard

anyone do on a first date.

It's a first date.

I mean, that's crazy.

You may as well have left butter off a cow's udder at that point.

Oh, my God.

That would have been better.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I don't love let's check in.

How's this date going?

I don't love that either.

I kind of like it.

It's very Gen Z.

We're two women on a date.

How are you feeling?

Yeah.

So you quite like it, but then

what you did.

So let's dispense with that.

Oh, fuck.

James and I are millennials.

James and I are millennials.

We don't like the check-in.

Okay.

The check-in is too much.

The check-in should be unspoken.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you like that.

Oh, my God.

But then why did you then do the

evangelizing?

Yeah, yeah.

You became a little kid.

I thought it would be funny.

If I was on a date and someone said, how's the date going?

I went, well, gee,

I'm pretty good again, man.

I'd love that.

I hope I don't go toilet in my pants.

That is not what I was doing.

How dare you?

I got butterflies in my stomach.

I was being a big girl who watches way too much anime.

I gotta call my mommy and give her three rings.

Oh, Jay's, my mark's beating it out of her chest.

You're telling me you wouldn't like that.

But you said she was pretty in the voice.

I thought it was funny.

It is funny.

It's so funny.

I think it's allowed.

Apparently not.

It's funny hearing about it now.

What was her face doing when you did it?

So I wasn't looking at her while I was doing it.

And I went to laugh being like, oh no, don't cover your face.

You're making this so much worse than it is.

She's just absolutely puking everyone.

She was like, you even look pretty when you puke.

Now this has turned into bullying.

Yeah, this is bullying.

She's just straight up bullying.

So you weren't looking at her?

No.

Are you looking down for the character of the

show?

The character, for the people just listening to it, always involves Sharon grabbing the back of her neck, neck, like nervously, like the kid in Stranger Things does when something's like creeping up and you're sensing something bad.

So just like hand on the back of the neck and then looking down and then like vibrating.

And then making a noise which increasingly sounds like an al Pacino impression.

Yeah, yeah.

Take it.

Adding that to the list.

Date number two, thank you very much.

So she's not got back in contact.

When was it?

I want to say like three weeks ago now.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Yeah, no, no, that's dead in the water.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's fine, it's fine.

I've cried practice.

this

well i guess you don't like me that much

i love the character yeah the character's great i really like the character really good very rug rats i'd watch yeah really rug rats actually thanks

that's a millennial thing oh my god i know what rock how old do you think i am

well you've proudly proclaimed yourself gen z so yes and i wear that with a badge of skibbidy honour thank you very much

what's gen z 20s in your 20s yeah 20s yeah but early early 20s i'll take it okay i'm actually 16 this is illegal what you guys are doing actually

we've had a 15 year old on this podcast before no you haven't we have from stranger things on stranger oh yeah

the kid who does that actually yeah this is the kid who does that very kid who does that

when you have 15 you're old who do that you were you're in the stranger i'm not 15 in this in this you are when you were actually i'm a grown up.

You were on that date.

I'll tell you that, bro.

You weren't there.

You don't know the facts.

We arrived at your dream dessert.

Yes.

I kind of like, I feel like this is a recent food trend.

I like the desserts that look like food, but they're cold.

Like the ice cream chicken, the ice cream fry chicken, or like a sweet.

past spaghetti bolognese.

I know what you mean.

It's very sort of an online.

Disney adult.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gonna die at 50.

It's It's kind of cool, though.

I think it's

so cool.

Just like the spaghetti-like strands of ice cream, basically.

Yeah, it looks like it looks like it.

You guys are tricking me.

I'm like,

huh?

What's this?

This should be savory, not sweet.

And then it is sweet and it's delicious.

And you're like, yes, you guys got me again.

I know James wants to ask about this character now as well.

This is not a character.

This is who I am.

Oh, fair enough.

Oh, nice to meet you.

It was quite similar to the same,

quite similar to the date character.

Yeah, a bit like that kind of same person, a bit in a different environment.

Yeah, this one is a child.

Where they've been kind of tricked by.

This one is a child.

Yeah, they do brownies.

What the heck?

What the heck?

Do you guys just swear?

You're not supposed to do that.

I think I'm going to have to tell my mum.

Sorry.

But do the American voice.

It is quite similar to the other characters.

Yeah, very similar to your voice.

Yeah.

I think I just really enjoy the way that you're.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It is good.

Why am I single?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I remember when I was a kid, when first I saw one of those, like, you know, foam burgers, those little sweets,

I was so excited to eat it.

Oh, yeah.

I couldn't wait.

Right.

With all the different layers with the gummy, like, lettuce, tomato.

the burger the burger itself actually probably the least appealing part

doesn't lend itself well to the gummy we could do without it could could be a sandwich could be a sandwich could be a sandwich where you like is this gonna taste like burger or were you like oh no this is sweets i think i definitely thought like this is gonna taste like fruity sweets but the burger part of it did make me i go i don't know what that's gonna be what is that meant to be yeah like the rest of it even the bun looked quite sweet and foamy and nice but the actual burger itself i was like i don't like hopefully that's like a cola thing or something i don't

I don't either.

What's the name of the company that made those?

Like, the ones that you see everywhere?

Because it's like right at the front of my brain, and I just need to scratch that itch.

Otherwise, Amazon.

Gummy Zone.

No, it's not Gummy Zone.

No, it's not Gummy Zone.

He's angry about that.

So you've wasted his time.

Gummy Zone.

Benito's gonna.

He's getting ready to tell you you should quit comedy.

It's normally after.

You don't normally do that during.

I can tell he's gonna say it.

The fact is coming at the end of the meal.

Does that ruin the trick?

No, because I think the way I would, the way I would approach this

is that's dessert number one, because I'm tricking my brain into thinking, oh, like I'm still eating savory food, so there's more space for it.

Because I feel like your brain does this thing where you're like, oh, I'm quite full actually from the meal, but I still want dessert.

You're like, let me just do the dessert and then I'll, I'll have, I'll be in a food coma after.

If you get dessert number one and it looks like savory food, your mind is like, oh, this is more food.

Okay, we can create space for this and then we can have dessert after.

Ha ha, silly brain.

I've already had dessert.

I'm I'm only going to go and do it again, but this time you'll actually see what the dessert is.

So it's more of like a mental, psychological, I feel like the CIA might have kind of.

James, did you follow that in any way whatsoever?

I just find it very funny.

Silly brain is what made me feel like it wasn't.

Yeah, I was really, I loved silly brain that you've also eaten it.

Yeah.

And you've tasted it and you, your silly, your silly brain still thinks it's savory.

This is a spag bowl, but it tastes sweet.

Hmm.

I wonder what that's about.

Let me just keep eating.

I guess I'll get dessert after.

The character's sneaking back in there, I think.

Every time something with the finger comes, you go, hmm.

If you're honest, the character is 100%

at the wheel now.

It's completely behind the wheel.

I've taken over.

But you're just resisting doing the voice because you want to disguise it as yourself, but you know, really, it's the.

I guess this is something.

Maybe an ice cream or something.

Can we do the rest of it like this?

You can.

It's the best thing.

All I can think about is you want that date doing that.

All I can think of is you're very pretty.

Looking at the floor.

Very pretty.

But no,

you weren't saying you're very pretty.

It's that you went, she sure is pretty.

Or something like that.

You have to do like an assessment.

You said it about her.

And then you were doing it.

So you're doing like a gollum kind of thing of like, she sure is pretty.

Did I just say that out loud?

And

I love it so much.

It's so great.

I think it's a normal and fun and whimsical thing to do on a date.

And if you guys disagree with that, that is absolutely.

There's at least three people who disagree with it.

Me, James and her.

Yeah.

That was she doesn't deserve you.

That was fresh.

If you said that in two months, I'd have been like, ha ha, but actually, that could have been my future wife.

So that does sting.

No, it couldn't.

No.

But only because she wasn't down to clowns.

Yes, exactly.

You need somebody who's down to clowns.

I need someone to give it back.

Yeah.

You'll find someone who does like that kind of stuff, and it'll be great.

I know.

And that'll be it.

I'm a big supporter of people just going, I'm just going to out the gate, be exactly who I am.

You have to.

Why go on a date?

Don't waste any time.

Does she want me to be like, yes, this meal is actually quite exquisite i i really enjoy the wine bed i absolutely think

it's not good another character because i'm being a fancy lady so she's like oh this lady you've not shown up as a fancy lady though you're just suddenly halfway through the meal turning into something else i'd have to start off like that yes but if that's not what she wants she wants me and then she also wants the part of me that

let's find her pretty

you want the whole smorgasbord it's boring

I think, you know, I think it's best off out of this.

I don't think it's the fact.

I don't think she's right.

I'm sorry that I've brought us back here

because I've started thinking about it.

But like,

I don't think it's the fact that you said she was pretty.

I think if you went, it's going really well, actually, and I think you're really beautiful.

Nah.

I don't think she would go not replying to this.

I think it's the fact that you went, oh, yeah.

And then you said she was pretty.

In the character.

Sure.

I think it was the cat.

Clearly.

Yeah.

i like i i get it i thank you yeah i i think like you know yeah you will find someone who loves that character yeah and then it would be great

very nice yeah and we'll just have like a little i think next time turn up as the character from the get-go scrape your knee outside oh my god

i'll come back here tomorrow

so you do marketing huh

I want that character to get a sitcom immediately.

If there are any commissioners listening to this,

just please give Sharon

where that is the character.

The character has to live in just modern Britain, though.

The character can't live in like 50s America, clearly where they're from.

My oyster card isn't working.

They're just doing really mundane everyday.

Can I have a stamp, please?

I wonder if he knows what I'm sending.

No, we have to get away from this.

Okay, I don't know.

We are at the end of the episode, pretty much.

We've not got away from it successfully.

So what is the food?

You want a spaghetti bolognese ice cream?

I want the fried chicken ice cream.

I want it to come in a bucket.

I want to house it.

And then I want to have, finish it off with just a classic brownie.

Oh, hold on.

So there's a brownie in there as well.

As in, like, that's dessert number two.

Yeah, because you trick your tricky brains, tricky, silly grains.

What flavor is the ice cream, the actual fried chicken ice cream?

Classic vanilla.

Let's not get too crazy with it.

Does it have a little like fake drumstick that you can pick them up?

You can literally pick them up and then bite into ice cream, which is a little bit inbred, but it's fun.

Am I allowed to say that?

I don't don't know.

I don't know.

I've never heard anyone use it in that way before.

I use it very lightly.

It's actually honestly becoming a problem.

You know who else is inbred?

Marry his dad.

He's inbred.

Oh, he's inbred.

Yeah, I thought you were going to say Shaman because she was kissing her cousin earlier.

I want to set the record very straight.

I have never and will never kiss my cousin.

No, I think what you were saying is when you get so drunk that you could kiss your cousin.

You'll fly out the window.

Yes, thank you.

We see I talk.

You didn't say yes.

You're just kissing your cousin, James, it sounds like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're just making a reg.

Well, she's very pretty.

No.

Are we alright?

I think this is frowned upon.

Your mom's my dad's brother, right?

No, this is bad.

This is bad.

Naughty.

No more of this.

I don't want that to be my legacy.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel.

Will you be reading it back as yourself, James?

You want Spark and water.

Popping up some bread, you want soft creamy butter smeared on Penelope's udder with some bad bread on the side.

Perfect.

Because if you don't have the bad bread, you can't have your starter, which is good bread brochetta.

Made by an old Italian man whose son is not doing very good at uni.

Perfect.

Main course, Your Mum's cooking from 2007 with a watermelon elf bar

as well, which you will have after.

Side dish, congealed chips and five and a half nuggets from the night before.

Amazing.

Drink a strawberry Ribberina full of sugar.

Yep.

And dessert, fried chicken ice cream with a brownie.

Perfect.

I think that is the menu.

I would eat the dessert.

And the main course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not even.

Try your mum's cooking in 2007 for sure.

Abouchette is nice, yeah.

Yeah.

Abouchette is good.

Of course, actually, to be honest.

You'd eat all the chips.

I wouldn't want the chips they do sound revolting i would ever wake up in the dead of night and you just have chips next to you and you're like god not for many not for many years but i would just go more disgusting and have cheesy chips that were convenient

you beautiful man with garlic sauce on the top oh filthy yeah i've done that

filthy yeah yeah that sounds incredible it reminds me of just being at university Dad's baking some good bread, obviously.

You're not doing very well.

I wake up, chips are on my chest.

Keep going.

Gorgeous.

There's a football sock on the smoke alarm.

Ed's dad is Pan Quitidian, or whatever it's called.

Really?

No.

Oh, he's Andrew Gammon.

Sharon, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

You've been fantastic.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

I don't like that one.

Well, there we are, James.

Oh, man.

What a wild ride with Sharon.

We've had a few people do characters on this podcast, but that might be my favorite of all time.

Yes, very, I mean, at the best of episodes, towards the end of the year, there's normally a little section that Bonita puts together of characters that people have done.

Yep.

That'll definitely be in there.

That's going to have its own section.

Yeah.

I don't want any part of that on the cutting room floor when it comes to the best of.

I would watch that character for hours.

Yeah.

It was very funny to be in the presence of that character.

Yeah.

At the time Sharon became that character.

It was like everything.

Her whole physicality changed, and mannerisms really francic.

The hand on the back of the neck, man, the whole thing.

Also, Sharon did not say anything as long as it's good, yeah, didn't say that.

No, because she turned up with notes, she had notes, she listened to the podcast before, no,

yeah, and we appreciate that.

Yes, absolutely.

Uh, so do go and see Sharon at the Edinburgh Festival of the Pleasants, yes, or

just if you're not going to the Edinburgh Festival, go and see Sharon at a gig near you.

Yeah, I'm sure you find out where she's doing lots of gigs, follow her on social media.

Do all that jazz.

Absolutely.

And go and see her.

But for now, we will see you.

But for now, we will see you next week.

But for now, we will see you next week.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

You should quit comedy.

Oh, no.

Deal.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.