Ep 299: Katherine Parkinson (Live in London)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Talk about refreshing.

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A brand new phone with Verizon.

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It's off menu live.

That's right.

A little bonus live episode.

The final Palladium show, James.

We did a run of Palladium shows.

And this was the final one we recorded.

And of course, the final one we are releasing.

The 22nd of March, 2025.

And our guest was Catherine Parkinson.

What a legend Catherine Parkinson is.

Amazing actor.

We're so excited to have Catherine on the podcast.

I've never worked with Catherine at all.

Spoke to Catherine.

So someone that I've admired so much, all of her work.

Big fan.

So I'm very excited about this one.

Yes, indeed.

It was a great chat with Catherine.

She is brilliant fun.

Please remember that sometimes we'll make jokes in the show.

They're called back to the first half.

They might not make sense.

Yes.

But that's why you should have been at the show, baby.

But if you do have questions about them, just tweet the off-menu Twitter and ask the great Benito for the, just quote the thing that you don't understand

and say, dear Mr.

Benito.

Please, can you provide some contexto?

And he will reply and let you know what that was a reference to.

Yes, absolutely.

And send you a signed chopping board.

Yeah, he will send you a signed chopping board.

Of course, that goes without saying.

We also get the audience to pick the secret ingredient, and tonight, on this very night, they picked sardines.

Sardines.

Sardines, which is, of course, the title of the first episode of Inside Number Nine that Catherine starred in.

Yes.

So let's get into it.

This is the off-menu menu of Catherine Parkinson.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Taking.

time to think of something

taking the porridge of conversation,

adding the bananas of humor,

the biscoff spread of friendship,

and removing the swastika tattoo of evil.

That is a gamble.

My name is James A.

Cassidy.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we're inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Catherine Parkinson!

Yes!

The wonderful Catherine Parkinson.

You all know the secret ingredient.

Keep that in your head.

Hopefully, you won't have to kick out Catherine Parkinson.

Let's get on with the wonderful episode, shall we?

Let's do it.

Yes, thank you, James.

This is the off-menu menu of Catherine Parkinson.

Here we are.

Hello, Catherine.

Hello.

This is a much higher end set than I was expecting.

Yes, same here, to be honest.

It feels like the right set to share some vulnerable sexual stories with.

Catherine didn't watch the first half, by the way.

I did turn the thingimaging down when you said the secret ingredient, but I did hear the semen suggestion.

It's hard to do the vulnerable sexual stories if I'm not going to talk about

it.

Thank you for turning the tannoy down backstage for when we said the secret ingredient, because Julian Clary didn't.

What's his semen?

We would have kicked him out on the starter if it was.

His was a mint Terry's chocolate orange.

That's what what they chose for him.

That's quite niche, but that's I'd more likely to say that than semen.

It's good to know what we're dealing with.

Do you tap and unwrap?

I'm talking about the chocolate orange.

I don't actually, I peel.

It's fucking Clary all over again, isn't it?

Does tap and unwrap work for the chocolate orange?

Because you're supposed to bash it and then you unwrap it and it's supposed to all fall apart into segments.

It's never worked for me, that?

No, it never works.

It's a myth.

Yeah.

It's just in the adverts, isn't it?

Yeah, and we all fell for it.

And I still say it to this day, even though it's never happened to me.

Reminds me of my days as a Christian.

I think for a while I was missing the metaphor there because my first thought was, James ate a lot of Terry's chocolate orange when he was a Christian At the Chris Tingle service.

Yeah.

James, you rub your agen.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

James is a genie in this, so he's got into his lamp.

He will be coming out of the lamp, don't worry.

He doesn't do the rest of the podcast squatting down back there, even though I think the audience can't see this.

But it's a lovely squat he's got, isn't it?

I'm finding it quite off-putting.

Now, Catherine, we invite our guests, if you would like to get up and rub the lamp, if you would not like to rub the lamp.

What is this show?

which bit do I rub

that's up to you that's the first thing we learn about you

I'm rubbing the lampson to the team referral for me

There we are the genie's out

I should have warned you you were standing right in the jet of dry ice there Catherine but I knew that I was there in the squat thinking thinking

straight into the jet this is going to be great yeah I feel a bit high on it yeah there's a lot of stuff knocking about in there you're going to be tripping the light fantastic during this episode I do love dry ice is it dried ice or is it dry ice dry ice it's dry ice i don't think it's dried ice is it dried ice i've lost confidence i wanted to say that i loved dry and then i thought i should really know having done stage work

i should know what the phrase is.

And I realize I've never known if it's dry ice or dried ice.

I think it's dry ice, it's not like dried apricots.

It would make sense if you put ice out to dry, it would turn into that fog.

So I can see how you would think it was dried ice.

If they dried them in the sun, like they do with grapes, to turn them into raisins.

Hang on, so you think it would make sense if you put ice in the sun that it would turn into that fog?

Yeah,

I think that's true.

I'm no scientist.

But you're addicted to dry ice, you say.

Did I say I was addicted to it?

I am high on it right now, so that's.

But you like it.

You say you've found it.

I think, you know, I remember playing puck in my school play at Button.

Of the history of hockey.

Not in hockey.

I was one of four pucks.

It wasn't as big a deal as that sounds.

We shared the part to convey the mutability of the character, blah, blah, blah.

Fairness, you know, it was at school.

And I remember the dried, dry ice

and then sort of launching myself into it and thinking, I like this.

Being an actress, I mean, yeah, as well as a dry, dried ice.

It was the atmosphere of being in the theatre.

It was, you finally realised that you were home with the smell of the dry ice.

The smell of the grease paint.

For me, it was the smell of the dried, dry ice.

And what are the other pucks doing now?

Fuck all.

No I don't know.

I think they're probably very successful and I feel like I've dressed like somebody with a proper job ton like a bank manager actually tonight.

So I think they'd probably wear a jacket like this and have a proper job.

Imagine if all three of them right now are dressed exactly like you

somewhere in the world and all of your lives are kind of like you're just kind of tied together forever.

The four pucks.

Yeah.

All in black blazers

and black heels.

Yeah.

And black baggy jeans.

Why are you rubbing your legs?

Are you much of a foodie, Catherine?

A what?

A foodie.

A foodie.

If I could take a pill and just be done.

Oh, no.

I'm joking.

Yeah, I really.

Well, what does foodie mean?

Because I love food, but I'm not, I'm afraid, a very evolved cook.

But I really appreciate well-cooked and creative food cooked by people that are good.

So I always feel slightly like I can't claim to be a foodie because I can't do it, but I can eat it and appreciate it.

I think that makes you a foodie.

I think being a foodie is just enjoying eating food.

And I don't think there's any kind of like, you don't have to have any ability to make it.

and you definitely don't have to only like you know snobby posh food either it's just like just appreciating and loving food and thinking about it I think that's a foodie yeah I'm a foodie

you feel good to say that and admit that in the room I'm a foodie I'm a foodie like Alcoholics Anonymous I am a foodie

congratulations I'm not an alcoholic but I do have some and

backstage as well yeah getting quite the suspicious the second time tonight you've told us you're not an alcoholic no I'm not an alcoholic, but I am a secret drinker because I didn't like the idea of the optics of me with a glass of alcohol, so I did ask for it to be put in a teacup, but I've now obviously ruined that by telling you.

Do you know you told us you're drinking wine from a teacup, which, I'll be honest, makes you look like an alcoholic, husband.

Yeah, it's backfired.

I realise that.

Earlier when you told us you weren't an alcoholic, you said, I'm not an alcoholic.

And at that exact moment, our tour manager walked in with a glass of wine for you.

Yeah, yes.

What wine do you have in the teacup?

Do you know what we've provided you with this evening?

It looked like a very high-end bottle of Briseca.

I was quite impressed.

Fantastic.

It's not the usual shit they try and

pour.

Little finger out, maybe, when you drink that?

We always start

with still or sparkling water, Catherine.

Do you have a preference?

I do.

I have a strong preference.

I really like still water.

I really like, dislike the taste of sparkling water.

I don't understand it.

I like sparkling other drinks but it's very strange sparkling water you can taste the gas yeah and i don't get it but what i've started to say if i'm in a restaurant is tap water just to seem really down to earth and like

i don't even need bottled still water i can just take tap but then i realized i was sounding a bit passive aggressive because i was actually going tap water you bastards trying to rip me off don't charge me there's nothing passive about that sentence

i shouldn't have said that but but i just yeah so i'm so i'm thinking about you know just saying still instead haven't done it yet you haven't tried it yet

where do you think you might debut it what kind of restaurant a wagamama maybe

i don't know um

harvester

harvester's good place going after still water yeah i mean i i as a child did not go to restaurants i'm from a family that didn't uh do restaurants at all uh went to the harvester um down toll with Broadway.

And then I worked in TGI Fridays in Kingston

full-time

for many months

and got sort of increasingly demoted.

Did you start as the CEO?

I was never the CEO, but I was front of house and I got put back of house.

And then I got put, I was in charge of the desserts.

which was a really hard job.

I was called a dessert weedie because when they got in the weeds, I had to get on to you'd have these like little sort of bills coming through with two snap decisions.

Snap decision was a caramel basket with a banana and some ice cream and then a bit of drizzle on the top.

But when you've got to do like

six snap decisions in a hurry,

and whatever other desserts they were, I can't remember the name of the other ones because I didn't tickle my fancy as much, obviously.

But when you have to do them all in a hurry, and I'm not naturally strong-wristed, and

you have to.

That's what you're expecting now isn't it

you have to do so many questions

you have to do them in a hurry and get them out before they melt that was a real challenge on a saturday afternoon um we you know not to name drop but we had tauval and dean in once

tauvland dean order a snap decision actually no they didn't um because i remember thinking because that was the one i got good at because that's the one i did most of anyway i ended up getting really demoted because they kept finding at TGI Fridays, you have to wear a quirky hat because it's kind of a restaurant, it's a theater, it's a bit of a.

It's a bit fun, isn't it, though?

It's a bit of fun.

You've got to do an audition to get to work there, which I like the idea of, you know.

So, yeah, you've got to be a bit of a character.

And I had a Minnie Mouse hat, but they kept coming back into the kitchen and pulling out this long, ginger, curly hair and holding it up to me, nasty, nasty waiters, and saying, Another hair has fallen in.

The snap decisions and the ice creams you've got to sort this out

and I think back I felt so bad about it but you can't if you if you you can't try and stop your hair

from molting yeah I did have a bad diet at the time I don't know if that does I've never googled that does that cause

why you talking about your diet at the time it will work out if it was making your hair fall into the snap decisions

what sort of things were you eating

i i was eating i would say quite a lot of um sugar yes

because i was stealing stuff from the fridge yeah

you were eating quite a lot of snap decisions i don't know this might explain why your hair is in the desserts yeah if you're going in the fridge and snappling the food then putting it back in

If you're hovering over them a lot.

I actually think you've solved the mystery.

I think that is what was happening.

happening because now I remember there was a dessert with a bit of cookie that you stuck in it and it was those that I did steal a bit because they were solid and you could stick them in your bag or down your apron or whatever I probably should be saying this on a it's still a it's still a business isn't it I don't think it's an open case at TGI Fridays

yeah I'm gonna dig it up.

Remember we didn't know who stole those cookies.

I just listened to this off-menu podcast.

Yeah.

And it was the branch that had Torval and Dean in.

Yeah.

But, you know, anyway, long ginger curly hair.

I was the only woman in the kitchen, the only person with long ginger hair.

So it was, it was kind of, it was like an Agatha Christie, actually, in a way, but a really sort of straightforward one.

Person you most suspect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you got fired or no?

I didn't get fired, James.

No.

I didn't get fired, but I did get sort of not asked back.

That implies you went away.

A lot of that happens in my business.

I never see it as a.

You're often not recalled, and it doesn't mean, doesn't mean anything negative.

Pop up your bed, pop up your bed, Caffyn Parkerson, pop up your bread.

Very good.

I'd say quite harsh to do it as Catherine was taking a sip of Rosecco from her teacup.

Oh, I didn't think of that.

Bread.

Yeah.

Any particular type of bread?

I mean, I like a poppadon, but I prefer a salt and vinegar crisp.

Bread?

I feel, I mean, I could actually get quite emotional about bread.

Please.

I love bread.

There was a stage a few years ago when actors and actresses were giving up bread.

No way.

I have a bread maker.

Thank you.

I was in a machine, not a...

I have a man that

he lives in the garden.

No, I've

yeah, I've got bread maker, but it did fall off the kitchen.

What do you call it?

Shelf.

Island.

Counter.

Counter.

Yep.

I haven't got an island, alas.

Kitchen counter.

Someone's doing well, aren't they?

I don't have one.

I'm just thinking about them all the time.

I don't have one either.

No.

I'm not even moving house, but I go on right move and I look at all the houses, and if it doesn't have a kitchen island, I go, no chance.

I'd worry I'll get stranded on there.

You know, you can get that thing where there's a tap and it's boiling water.

Yeah.

That's the dream, isn't it?

Yeah, that is the dream.

In your kitchen.

Anywhere.

Well, I think it must be quite hazardous, though, if you've got like young children or stupid people in your family.

100%.

They'll definitely scold themselves.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, so the bread maker fell off.

Fell off the counter.

They're very lively.

I don't know if you lively?

They really get going.

Yeah, they jump about.

Little jack in a box.

Jack in a box.

I mean, maybe I've got a vault.

I'm worrying.

It sounds like you've got a vaulty one.

They're quite active.

And it fell to the floor, and we thought we were being broken in too.

But I said, don't worry.

Don't worry, darling.

Was this in the night?

Was this in the middle of the night?

Yeah,

I did the whole, you know, you put in the whole meal and the whatever and the yeast, and I did it just before bedtime.

So you put the bread maker on and then went to bed?

And then it's just.

I don't do it.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's lovely because the house smells of bread.

That is good.

And it works.

Sort of been broken into.

You're like, who's burgled our house?

You put some bread makers and put bread hair in there.

You're a breadmaker man who's in the garden just to break it in.

No, but I really like my bread maker.

What's the best bread you've made in the bread maker?

Is it broken now?

One did break, but I've got

another one.

Yeah,

I put walnuts in it.

I hope that's not the secret word.

No, you're safe.

You're okay.

I put walnuts in my bread.

It just makes me feel good.

Makes me feel a bit like Megan Markle.

Throw some

throw them in.

Walnuts in the bed.

You think that's how she's living, Markle?

Yeah.

Walnuts in the bread?

I found myself watching her series.

I found it very compelling.

She makes Ladybird Crostini.

Have you seen it?

No, no.

Describe me.

I wouldn't watch it.

I wouldn't watch that shit.

First time I ever did a gig here, Megan Markle was set up there.

Right where you are, who's never fucking heard the podcast before?

Are you?

Really?

Royal Variety performance.

Oh.

Diad on my ass.

Decided to do a story about farting during a massage.

Ate a roast chicken, went from a massage, farted during the massage.

Thought that'll be good for the audience at the Royal Variety performance.

And we all had to stand on this stage at the end for about an hour and a half to wait for Megan and Harry to come round.

They all go around shaking people's hands and speaking to them.

Megan Markle came up to me and she went, Thank you for not eating any roast chicken before you came this evening.

Witty.

Yeah, pretty good.

Then they got round to the end.

So you've got to be really polite to them.

They got round to the end, and Rod Gilbert was on the other end.

And

I saw the discussion happening.

He looked quite heated.

I went, Rod, what were you talking to them about?

He went, well, Harry asked me if I'd had a nice time at the gig.

And I said, what do you say?

I said, no.

I fucking hated it.

It was an awful gig.

Oh, my God.

Do you want the bread with the walnuts in?

Is that your dream bread?

Maybe bread, is it more satisfying eating bread that you've created yourself?

Yes.

I prefer shop ball bread, just to be clear.

I don't want to overdo it.

I obviously prefer a shop ball bread.

So

on your dream menu, you don't want one you've made yourself.

You want to go through a restaurant or I want one Megan's made.

You want me?

That's not her tonight.

Is she not there?

You're Megan tonight.

Enjoy that.

Love your show.

And you want the walnut one?

Am I what?

Do you want the one with the walnuts in it?

Yeah, but not the one I made.

No, I know that.

Walnut bread.

Warm?

Oh yeah, warm.

With a melty butter.

I don't want to feel like I've slagged off the popadom.

You've got a lot of time for crisps of all kinds.

It's kind of.

I've never had a poppa dumb that's an exciting flavor though, but I think I need to get out or more, get out,

try more poppa dumbs.

But you like salt and vinegar, vinegar crisps.

Oh, I mean, it's pretty much all I ate between the ages of 12 and 16.

Monster Munch pickled onion as well.

Shout out for that.

Wow.

Yeah.

Big fans in.

So was that before you went to the TGI Fridays then?

So it was purely crisps for those years.

TGI Fridays was onto the show.

Crisps and penny sweets, actually.

I'm so old, I remember halfpenny.

No, not halfpenny, not halfeny, half penny.

That's like Oliver Talpen.

I mean, I mean, half penny sweets.

I'm not that old.

Yeah, no, I didn't mean that.

Did I?

Don't have the first time.

You're sweet.

I'm not Dickensian.

Well, before I worked at TGI Fridays, I was a shoe shine.

Half penny sweets.

They were in the 80s.

Give me 80 bit for some scram.

Alright, Govner.

I'm not that old.

I'm 47.

I'm fine.

I want some whistle sticks and some

sherbet candies.

Go on.

Go on.

Sorry.

Dumb, done now.

I can't think of fake sweets from Victorian times.

Well, the penny sweets that were around when I was younger were really like have stayed quite vividly with me.

I heard one of your episodes where you talked about the wham bar.

Yes.

And

I had to sit down and take a moment because

I loved the wham bar.

And I hadn't thought of the wham bar for years.

I don't know if you can still get a wham bar.

Can you get a wham bar?

Yeah, big time.

You can get a wham bar.

I like the beer-flavoured sweets.

Did you ever have those?

Beer-flavoured sweets.

Little beers.

I like the fake cigarettes.

Yeah.

It's the coolest I've ever felt, I think, the fake cigarettes.

Same here.

Also,

you know, the amount of times you've told us you're not an alcoholic today.

I like beer's favourite snake that I get a hapatenum having a cigarette at the same time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But do you know what?

It wasn't good for my teeth because

I had a lot of fillings.

Yeah.

Sugar, I don't think is great for teeth.

Just to give you an insight into Catherine's love of sugar,

we always ask the guests before they arrive if there's anything on their ride or if they would like anything.

I think sometimes we want a specific drink or something.

We were hanging out with Catherine before the show, and the tour manager came into the room.

Catherine went, I noticed nobody bought me the refreshers I asked for.

He did offer to go out and get some.

Did you see me pretend that I didn't want him to?

But then

no, he hasn't.

Refreshers.

Oh, I'd love to get them.

Get them free with the Binot back in the day.

Yes,

the Beano.

I was in the

Dennis Mennis fan club.

I was as well.

Were you?

Yeah.

Didn't know they let girls in.

Do you mean Minnie the Minx?

Do you mean Minnie the Minx?

No, Dennis.

And Ganasha.

Yes.

Yes, Ganasha.

I had a pet fish called Nasha.

Oh.

Named after

the dog.

I was so, so, so into the Beano that it was all I read.

And when I got really cross with one of my brothers once, I went, I sort of mimed smoke coming from my ears and went, fume.

And he just laughed.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

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Your dream starter.

So I would have said

I would have said oysters, A, to sound classy.

B, because I used to like oysters, but and I know this is a comedy podcast, but my husband has an autoimmune disease.

Don't laugh just because she said it's

sorry, sorry about them.

Sorry, Catherine.

Are you even listening to what Catherine is saying?

Sorry, Catherine, go on.

Sorry.

Called lupus.

And

yeah, you like that, do you?

Interesting, interesting to finally see who's been listening to this podcast all these years.

Um, anyway, he...

Sorry, sorry, brother.

We went to Marseille once, amazing place, and we ate some oysters and other seafood.

And bearing in mind this was pre-fillers, people having fillers, his face

you'll see why that's relevant in a minute.

His face like swelled up so unbelievably, it was really scary.

But because fillers hadn't happened, I often think that's why, because I don't speak French, immediately I went look at him.

They took us to AE.

He was put on antihistamine drip.

This is related to the lupus.

This is how we found out he had it.

But

I always think if fillers had been a thing,

I'd have gone, you know, look at my husband and they'd have been like, yeah, wow, beautiful.

Because he did just look like he'd had loads of fillers.

Oh, what a lovely husband you have.

He's so beautiful.

So I feel grateful for the time that he had the extreme allergic reaction to the seafood.

Yeah,

very good.

Do you think that happens now?

Someone has an allergic reaction, they go, oh, tré jolie.

Sau rouge, you're sorrouge.

So that's why I would avoid the seafood of all kinds, although.

Have you not eaten oysters since that day?

I haven't, out of respect for

him and

just in case I pass.

Because the way you said that, I'm just going to double-check just for the audience, he is still alive.

It's just, you can't bandy around the phrase out of respect for him.

Yeah.

So it's one step away from Minnie's memory.

No, his ashes are actually here at the Palladium.

Now, my starter would be mackerel pate, but I've just realised, is that seafood?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, famously a fish.

Fish.

I'd have a speck of my husband no seafood.

I will just have the mackerel pate.

I really, really like mackerel pate,

and particularly made by his mum, so it kind of swallows.

Can he not have any seafood then?

Does he avoid all seafood?

Boring.

But I.

He's got an autoimmune disease.

Please, Catherine.

Sorry about Catherine.

Sorry.

Many sorry about that.

I fucking love mackerel pato though.

Yeah.

I love mackerel pate.

Do you know it can give you gout if you have a gate?

I learned that as a receptionist on Doc Martin.

So basically I'm medically qualified.

And this man kept buying mackerel and he had gouts.

this in the story?

In the story.

He had symptoms of gout and it's the purines and the mackerel that he kept getting.

So I think of that every time I stuff my face with absolute massive chunks of mackerel pattern, thinking, oh, careful.

Could get gout.

But I don't, what are the symptoms of gout?

Just sore feet.

You should know.

You worked in the industry.

Sorry, yes.

We were the receptionists for Doc Martin.

As a medical professional, obviously, I know it's, yes, it's your feet explode.

It feels quite an old school disease, Gout, doesn't it?

I know people do get it now because of all the mackerel, but it feels like it's from

the haypenny days.

Somehow, a kind of faded glamour to it as well.

Yeah.

I almost wouldn't mind.

You know what I mean?

A sort of life well lived.

Yeah.

Henry VIII got it, didn't he?

Yeah, and he was the picture of health most of the time.

That's what I think of when I think of glamour as Henry VIII.

So glamorous.

Yeah.

He had to be winched up the stairs every night.

Do you know that about Henry VIII?

They had a winch system to get him up the stairs.

What would a winch, like a stanner, early stanner, tuna stairlift?

The original stanner, yeah.

They had a lot of winch, Henry VIII.

Divorce.

Yeah.

A stanner stairlift.

Are you spreading the mackerel pate on a toast situation?

Are we talking about a toast?

Yeah, a toasted bread.

I don't think I'd spread it.

I think I'd dip it.

I don't know about, I don't know, I don't feel comfortable spreading mackerel pate.

So you want it in a bowl and you're just

dipping the bread, like just hoofing it in.

You do what you want, but

I will do what I want.

The greatest of respect.

Ed, you do what you want.

Yeah, I will.

I just think you might get gout that way.

No, because if I'm spreading, I'm having way less mackerel pate than you are, is just just dipping.

It depends on the force of the dip.

As I said, I don't have strong wrists, and

it's a very, it's a kind of, it's not even a dip, it's a sort of drop.

So is it quite a thin mackerel pate you're thinking of?

It is quite, it's the thing is, you can say you like something, but it can come in such different forms, can't it?

Because I have to say, I haven't really liked anyone but my mother-in-law's mackerel pate.

So I don't really know if I can truly say I like mackerel pate.

But you would like your mother-in-law's mackerel pate.

Yeah.

For your

so when you and your husband visit your mother-in-law, she makes you mackerel pate and your husband just has to sit in his family home hungry.

Yes.

Your dream main course, Catherine?

Well, so, yeah, so I didn't go to restaurants growing up.

And, you know, had had wonderful parents, but they worked, they were both teachers, and my dad was out doing evening classes.

My one brother was at football, the other brother was at Beavers or whatever, and I was at Christian camps.

This is what you expected.

It was up to Megan.

I went to various Christian

pointless Christian groups.

What turned out to be pointless in my case, not pointless, pointless, but

and so we were sort of

like a student house.

So there wasn't, what we didn't have was the family.

You know, my parents were quite young when they had us.

We didn't have that thing of sitting down as a family.

And I say that not to discredit them at all because they were of the best parents I could possibly have hope for.

But we didn't grow up with that environment.

So, I would have microwave meals pretty much, you know.

And

then, sort of, as I got

into adulthood,

I sort of started to go to restaurants a bit with work things.

And

I always think sort of pretending is part of becoming a bit.

So I would quite grandly choose

the most expensive, particularly if they were paying, meal on the menu to try and be something I very much wasn't.

But then pretending is becoming, I've actually started to love that meal.

And that meal would be Dover Soul, off the bone, cream spinach.

Off the bone, because I once tried to do it myself, and it just looked like a toddler had been eating the meal.

meal so

i would say that it's fine to have the mackerel pate

but at this point

the respect for your husband has absolutely gone down the toilet

i just i just didn't think about we're going just all in on seafood

do you think he might be allergic to me my

my other problem yeah let's not rule it out if you've got yeah your hair is just full of bits of fish

you know

we know that you eat hair first yeah yeah

it does my hair look like it's full of fish yeah does it can you smell it just full disclosure yeah

since you got here yeah asking for refreshers the fishy hair yeah weird stuff yeah no no i feel very bad now because i've just told you that he's allergic to seafood and I've just ordered loads of seafood as my dream.

Yeah, it's funny because really there was no need to tell that story.

Yeah.

You could have kept that to yourself or just chosen seafood, but you said.

Can you edit it out then?

Yeah, they know.

Yeah, they know.

You told us.

That's your current problem.

Yeah.

You did tell the story to make yourself sound quite noble, though, I think.

Yeah, you were saying,

yeah.

Not going to have oysters.

I've haven't had oysters since we found out my husband had lupus.

Must be nice for you because you probably can't laugh about it much at home.

Just come here and laugh about it.

Because you responded like you're hearing it for the first time every time.

When I said autoimmune disease earlier, you cracked up.

Well, I know it sounds incredible, but I just didn't think of Dover Solar Seafood.

Yeah.

Easily done.

It's a wonderful fish, though.

Wonderful fish.

Yeah.

And fancy as well.

It's one of the fanciest fish.

Fishes.

Fishes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've, um, I really want to have a more successful time snorkeling because

I

know that.

Well, when you say it's a lovely fish, I nodded as if I'd seen it.

I just meant to eat.

Oh!

I wasn't going, fucking, have you seen that?

Fucking fit fish.

Bloody gorgeous fish, that one.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, again, adding that to your list of things you'd like to do.

Poor fucking guy.

Should we go snorkeling today?

Remember, I have lupus.

For the millionth time, Caffin.

I am riddled with lupus.

Could not go snorkeling with you.

Poor fucking guy.

I'm a really good wife.

He can be near fish, can he?

He can be.

Can he go snorkeling?

No,

I never had a reaction like he had.

No, that's not true, actually.

It's...

I know, it's shellfish.

Ah.

We're fine.

We're fine.

I should have made that clearer.

Yes.

So mackerel, you're fine.

Dover soul, you're fine.

And he could, he, would he, would he have?

Does

Dover Soul have a shell?

I haven't seen it in the wild.

As far as I'm aware, it's not a shellfish, no.

I say, as far as I'm aware, it's not.

It's definitely not.

No, it's not.

I could confidently say it's not a shellfish, yep.

Cool.

Cool.

Kind of annoyed that we didn't just say yes to you, actually.

We told you the right answer, but we we could have gone yes, it has a big shell and seen just how long we could get you to believe it.

A big rainbow shell.

Yeah.

Yeah, no,

yeah, I should have said that's yeah, that's exactly what it is.

It's it's fine.

It seems to be shellfish.

So we're cool.

We're all good.

Do you remember what

restaurant you were in or what the event was where you first had the Dover Soul?

Yeah, I do.

It was the Ivy West Street and it was a work thing.

I don't want to sound really mercenary, but I did glance at the menu and check what the most expensive thing was on the menu because that's what you do, right, when you're young and hungry.

And

so I went for that.

And then, you know, I just feel like it's such a lovely meal because you don't feel too full, you feel sated,

it feels

again glamorous, like the gout, like I mentioned before.

And

what I do tend to do is order us, getting to the side dish,

fries on the side, and then I just pig out on those so it kind of backfires in terms of, yeah, but I really do like skinny chip with

the side.

That is my absolute dream side.

I'd like to say green beans, but I'd just be lying.

Would you like us to dye the fries green so people think you're having beans?

Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.

Well, actually,

earlier I was introduced to chips with pesto on them, which blew my mind.

My wife was in the dressing room eating chips with pesto on.

Yeah, it was crazy.

She bought that from somewhere, by the way.

She didn't just bring a jar of pesto with her.

Eating the pesto chips.

But they were essentially green chips, weren't they?

Yeah, they were.

They're from Shake Shack.

Yes.

Shake Shack have started doing them these pesto and we were all very excited, weren't we, to see Charlie eat the first one?

Yeah.

What's it like?

She went, yeah, quite nice.

Oh, yeah.

I like a dip with the chips.

You'd like a dip?

What dip?

You can have as many dips as you like, mayonnaise.

Yeah.

I like chips and mayonnaise.

I like ketchup too, of course.

When I was growing up, my dad's from Belfast, and HP, brown sauce, was on everything when we, the microwave meals, but everything, and vinegar.

And now I'm out in the world at large, brown sauce doesn't seem to be a thing.

They tend to send more bottles of HP to to Northern Ireland because it's got the picture of Parliament on it.

Oh my goodness.

They're trying to get their point across.

It's a bit awkward, actually.

Oh, my gosh.

Do you want this to be...

If you're eating in our dream restaurant, what would you like it to look like?

Do you want a sort of swanky, ivy sort of feel to it?

I really like low lighting in a restaurant.

I sometimes when you watch like shows in set in America like Curve Your Enthusiasm or whatever, I'm always quite struck by how lit the restaurants seem to be.

I don't know if that's just a choice in the TV show, but I want crepuscular Dickensian,

ideally candlelight, if I'm honest.

To remind you of when you were a little kid.

I'm sorry.

I often say this to Ed.

What?

Dickensian.

Opening.

Is that your Dickensian voice?

Callback.

Yes, but I don't remember you doing that voice last time.

I did.

His shoeshine.

He was doing that voice.

He didn't do that voice.

I was just joining in, sorry.

Yours sounded like from another country.

I thought, oh no, that's the end of the podcast.

I can tell you, that wasn't, that was me from England, mate.

Name an accent, I'll do it for you.

Oh, oh.

Cappin' the guest.

Cappin can choose the accent.

Okay, okay, Geordie.

Oh, no, now I have to do it because I thought you were going to give me something something cancellable.

What would you like me to say in a Geordie accent?

I love shellfish.

Well, just when we got away from it.

I thought we loved shellfish more.

Really good.

Really good.

Really good.

What accents have you done for like what's the hardest accent you've had to do for a role?

What I tend to do is I do it for the first scene and then I go, is that all right?

And then I drop it for the rest of the show.

But

I did Northern Irish once in an

Antigone, Tom Paulin's Antigone, and my dad, who's from Belfast, came and saw it and gave me Nane Elder Tan for the accent.

And I was happy with that.

You're very happy with it.

That's very good, actually.

I can't do accents, so I wish I could.

I'm so jealous every time I've done it.

Give James an accent to do, Catherine.

Okay.

I think Northern Irish is really quite hard, so I won't give you that one.

I'm going to say

Liverpool.

Now, a friend of mine is here who's from Liverpool.

And I'd like you to say I love Little Chef.

I'm not happy about this situation.

Well, the other option that's been shouted out is Shrek.

So when you...

I'm very good at Shrek.

I can do a really good Shrek.

Would you like me to do a Shrek?

I'd like you to do Shrek, yeah.

I love Little Chef.

Would you like...

I love Little Chef?

Yeah.

They've been ready for that every single night of this run.

This is the only time it's happened.

Donkey, I love the Little chef, donkey.

Outstanding.

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Your dream drink.

Wow.

Wow.

Thank you.

My drink, well,

when I was going to restaurants for the first time, as part of this effort to be this new sophisticated version of myself, I used to order a glass of white wine and a Fanta, please.

And I thought that was pretty fucking classy.

I've now dropped both.

And

I've been drinking quite a lot of I've been uh I filmed this thing called Rivals recently and

I've had to film it again and

I've pretended my research is to only drink champagne

but it's quite an expensive habit but I really like you know like the cheap Rosecco you've given me tonight

is a really good

you know second best

so what you're saying is you'd like a champagne a champagne please yeah and the more expensive the better yes would you like it out of of a teacup?

I'm happy to order the cheapest champagne in a restaurant.

I can't really tell the difference between.

I'm afraid my palate's not very that sophisticated yet.

As long as it's fizzy and not Brosecco.

Do you subscribe to the phrase champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends?

Oh.

That's what the Romans did, wasn't it?

It was the posh wine for the

richer guests and the sort of dregs for the

insignificant ones.

I think that's what it means.

That phrase.

Because if it's real pain for my sham friends, you get what I mean?

Real pain for my sham friends.

What does that mean?

I mean, it's like, I hope people who just pretend to be my friends,

I see.

Real pain.

I hope something bad befalls them.

Oh, that's awful.

This is what.

That's a bit much, isn't it?

It's a phrase.

It's not.

I see.

I don't come up with it.

I think that's really unnecessarily unkind.

They say, champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

What were you, and why did you mention the Romans?

Why did I mention the Romans?

I think you thought the phrase was that you give the good champagne to your good friends and the bad champagne to people you're not bothered about.

Yeah, I mean, I'm quite into the Romans.

They used to use pheasant feathers to make themselves sick after a meal so they could go again.

But also they always used to lie down to eat the rich Romans.

And I find that baffling because, I mean, I don't suffer generally from indigestion, but I feel like if I was prone,

you know, supine, eating pheasants and you know, God knows all these sort of rich foods that they ate, I'd definitely throw it up a bit.

Well, it's difficult, isn't it?

I do imagine if you have a mouthful and you're lying down, like chewing it and swallowing it down would be quite an effort, wouldn't it?

Quite difficult.

Yeah.

How long have you been into the Romans for?

My degree was in classics, and

I really get

actually sexually aroused talking about Pompeii.

Pompeii?

Not sexually aroused.

What is it?

Sorry.

And what happened in Pompeii?

I get excited by, you know, they found somebody who

their brain had turned to glass in the in the I mean it's it's time for

me I've got an erection

so I know you've changed your mind since then but initially you did say you were sexually aroused by the tragedy of Pompeii no

yeah no that makes me sound really um like a a psychopath.

I wa I I'm I'm get excited like, you know, I'm into a bit of mudlarking.

I do get excited about those things, which I suppose

you could dismiss as geekery but actually it's really profound and if you're not into it you're you're a bit of a bit of a cunt.

Did you want to ask what mud larking was James?

Yes mud larking I don't know what that is.

It's larking in the mud.

I mean basically it's I mean, I think you do technically need a license but you just sort of go to the riverbanks or whatever and find things like you will always find something

maybe a bone dice or a bone pipe or a bit of a glass bottle or some some dentures

and and there you are it's like you're time traveling

but it is very interesting this is something you do no

Yeah, no, I have done it.

And if you go on a guided tour, you do have to put everything back, which is a shame because...

Yeah, fuck that.

But you know what?

i found a groat i found a groat once well my husband found a groat but you know i say i found it and uh it was um poor man can't have anything yeah

but then you have to put it back so you if you do a guided around in the muddy banks of a river find something that is adjacent to

just trash

and then you can't even keep it you're told you have to put it back in the mud and you can't wear an apron like I did at TGI Fridays to get the

cookie stuff in there.

You'd look too suspicious if you were down on the riverbanks with an apron with a massive flap.

You'd be rumbled.

But no, it's just an interesting thing to do.

But that's got nothing to do with the Romans particularly.

But I just, yeah, no, I just like history.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you like history?

I do.

Yeah, I understand that it excites you, especially especially seeing things being like, this was ages ago.

That's basically what it is, isn't it?

God, this was bloody ages ago.

Oh, you really understand history yet?

Yeah.

But it is.

He still surprises me with his intellect and his knowledge on this podcast.

Because a lot of history, some history was more ages ago than other history, wasn't it?

But that exact phrase is what I think sometimes, looking at like an artefact or a painting, I go, this was bloody ages ago.

That is kind of what you're saying to yourself.

You're going, and they were the same.

Yeah.

This was bloody ages ago.

Listen, man, I think I'm a bloke walking around in this museum, and one day those people were just blokes walking around, but ages ago.

And one day you might be it bloody ages ago to someone else.

Yeah.

God.

Isn't that scary?

Yeah, I don't like that.

No, people might be going, that was bloody ages ago, IT crowd.

That was bloody agree.

What do you hope, you know, in years to come, when historians look back and they

what of your work would you hope they would discover in the mud?

Yeah,

I think I'd have to say my

you know I told you earlier I had a lot of fillings

as a child.

I was telling you about my fillings in the dressing room.

Yes.

From the high sugar diet that was normalised in the eighties culture.

And you know, I had some of those fillings taken out to be replaced with white ones.

And the dentist said, God, some of these fillings are older than you and I giggled girlishly flattered you know haha because obviously they they weren't older than me

I like the idea of some of my mercury fillings maybe surviving okay I was asking about your professional work for you

not what part of your body do you hope people find in the mud in years to come that was that would be the most sinister question I have ever asked a guest when you have died what parts of you do you hope survive and unearth by future

even so civilizations

ago historical fillings my fillings is is enough for me

yeah

do you hope that maybe in the future someone finds one of your fillings in a snap decision at TGI Fridays

oh yeah yeah I hope so chokes

well speaking of the snap decision, we arrive at the dream dessert.

Is the snap decision even in the mix?

It's not actually.

I mean, I love sugar.

Currently, I seem to find myself on a no-sugar WhatsApp because I bumped into a friend recently and I said, oh, we must meet and go for our usual cake.

And he said, no, I haven't had sugar for, what, you know, 362 days.

And I actually felt quite upset.

I feel quite upset when people tell me things like that.

I suppose I'm threatened by it.

I once tried to cut out sugar and it was like a heroin addict.

I had to go to the spare room.

I was having body aches, I was having sweats, because I think I have got quite a high sugar content.

Yeah, high sugar content.

Yeah, I think I'm,

I do think I've got quite a high sugar content.

Yeah, so I'm on this WhatsApp group, and every day it's like everyone puts

the number of days they've been without it, and then like a carrot emoji or a broccoli emoji.

And it's one of the most depressing things that's ever happened to me.

But

I love chocolate fondant.

Yeah, yeah, I had a really special chocolate fondant once at a restaurant in Bath,

and I was with my husband.

We'd had a non-shellfish meal, and he, it was like time, sort of literally, talking about time, chopped, time went slower.

And it was quite a fancy restaurant.

And one person came and like took the lid off, the head off the chocolate sponge, and another person poured molten chocolate into it.

And

my husband said he's never seen me go cross-eyed

before or since.

And I can't do it on cue.

I'm not one of those gifted people, but I did.

It was just, it was so wonderful.

It was so wonderful.

It's really special.

Did you go cross-eyed when you ate it?

Or when they were at the bottom of the corner?

It was pouring.

It was the pouring.

It was the pouring.

I think you must have seen my eyes cross with the pouring molten chocolate through, you know, just where my nose is.

But yeah, it was an incredible experience.

And, you know, on my deathbed, it will be one of the things that flickers, you know.

So they're pouring.

So the chocolate fondant is got the sauce inside it, and then they're pouring extra sauce on top.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

Yeah.

What other things will flash through your mind when you're on your deathbed?

I think that's a really personal question.

Yep.

Ed, is there anything that will flash through your mind when you're on your deathbed?

This moment, I think.

Definitely talking to you two about what will flash through my head on my deathbed will definitely be the first thing I think of when I'm on my deathbed.

That'll be annoying, won't it?

Yeah.

Also, when things flash before your eyes when you're about to die, does it have to be stuff from your life?

Well, as opposed to someone else's.

Can you imagine stuff that happens to someone else?

Like Henry VIII getting winched up the stairs?

Yeah.

I'd like that to be the last thing I think of, as if I'm, from Henry VIII's point of view,

like sort of Tudor Peep Show.

I'm just being...

I'm being winched up the stairs and I've got gout.

What would his inner monologue be if it was like Peep Show?

Getting winched up the stairs again.

Here we go.

Jeremy's going to come and have a go at me in a minute.

Something like that.

Mother Mother bloody wife.

I wonder what Johnson's thinking.

It won't necessarily be interesting things that flash through your mind on your deathbed.

I think we sort of think you can't choose your thoughts, can you?

It might be sort of some of the more mundane things that have happened to you in your life.

Yeah.

Which would be, again, a letdown.

The death is a letdown, but also a letdown.

thought processes that you're burdened with just before you go.

You'd be really frustrated, wouldn't you?

All round.

Yeah.

What kind of stuff do you mean?

What kind of boring stuff has happened to you?

Well,

I worry sometimes because my subconscious is very dull, and I have really boring dreams.

And

just last night, I dreamt in

quite a lot of detail that I was offered a

desk by a neighbour.

And you know, what would make that story really interesting would be if I was then offered a desk by a neighbour, but I wasn't.

Yeah, no.

In the dream, did you take the offer?

Did you take the desk?

I actually said we haven't got room, which is what I would say in real life.

But the thing is, you know,

my job, I don't know if you know, but I'm an actress, and my job involves imagination.

But I don't think I've got one.

that's okay but that means imagine if now you get a part of a woman who has gets offered a desk by their neighbour you're gonna be like one not only

it'd be really moving

I've already done I've already done this in my dreams do you want to act out the scene with me now I can offer you the desk yeah show people how good it is do you want me to

do you want me to direct yeah if you want to do me I'll direct yeah I'll be the neighbour okay actually that's good

Ringing the doorbell.

Oh, hello.

Catherine, hello.

Didn't know if you'd be in.

Well, it's the middle of the night.

Now, well, we heard some clattering and we looked at through the window.

Apparently, your breadmaker's gone rogue.

He honestly doesn't do what he's told.

Anyway, it reminded me.

We've got a spare desk knocking around.

And we were wondering if you and your husband, who I believe has lupus,

have any.

Love this.

Absolutely loving it.

I'm actually moved to tears.

Would you have any use for it?

Oh my goodness, that's so kind.

But we have no room.

Okay, I'll try the next house.

Good scene.

Good theme.

Good scene.

Very good.

We'll try it once more time.

And James, your character's from Liverpool this time.

I don't know if I'll be able to cry again, but.

No, no, no.

Oh, my God.

who are you?

Now, Catherine, just want to clarify: were you reacting like that because James was Shrek or he was from Liverpool?

Sorry, no, because he was in, because suddenly my imagination has kicked in, and you were green and you were very much Shrek in the middle of the night, knocking on my door.

I thought it was because that's actually all pesto.

Yeah.

Rings a bell again.

Ding-dong, good ding-dong.

Any Liverpudny announcements, please?

Ding-dong.

It's not.

Ding-dong.

Hello?

Oh my god.

We all fucking desk.

Shrek?

You got me.

Gonna read your menu back to you, Nelsie.

Here you feel the butter.

You want still water?

You would like warm walnut bread made by Megan Markle with melty butter.

Starter, your mother-in-law's mackerel pate.

Main, dover sole off the bone with creamed spinach.

Side dish of skinny chips with mayonnaise.

Drink, champagne, the very best.

And dessert, a chocolate fondant with extra sauce poured on on the top that you had in baths.

Oh my god.

The off-menu menu of Catherine Parkinson.

Give it up for Catherine Parkinson.

Catherine Parkinson, everybody.

Thank you so much for coming to the show.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, everyone.

Bye-bye, be brilliant.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, bye-bye.

There we are.

I loved that one, James.

What a great chat with Catherine.

Fantastic.

What a lovely way to end our London Palladium run.

That's all of the bonus shows now from the London Palladium.

Thank you, everyone, for coming to see it.

Thank you, all our guests, again.

All of them were fantastic.

Thank you to the great Benito.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you to the Great Benito.

He put a lot of work into those, much more than we did.

And really appreciate that.

Thank you to all the crew

as well who put up all those sets every night and then had to take them all down.

I don't think they took them down every day.

100% I realised they didn't take them

every night and put them up every day.

That would be mad.

But they had to put them up once, which probably wasn't.

And then take them down once.

I doubt any of that was a laugh.

No.

And then, you know, and poor old Charlie, I dropped his mic on the floor at one point, trying to swat a fly.

I still don't know if that's fixed yet.

So, you know,

thanks to all of them for being so fantastic, as always.

And thanks to Paul for being a great stage manager as well.

Yes, thank you, Paul.

Thank you to the snitch for taking all the photos.

Yes, the snitch took the photos.

Very good.

Professional photos.

You can see them online.

On the internet.

Somewhere else, on our socials and stuff,

and that guy can take photos of other people as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you want to take photos for you, he will do it.

And thanks to Megan and Pippa for filming it as well.

I'm not thanking that.

I've not seen any clips yet.

Well, I'm looking forward to seeing.

I'm grateful.

Yeah, yeah.

The crew will all be back with us.

Yeah.

Because we're doing more live shows at the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026.

It's tasting menus live.

Previous fan-favorite guests receive menus of other fan-favorite guests.

Go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets.

What a time to be alive!

And we'll be back for the new series of Off Menu very soon.

Yes, so no need to text me every week, Mother.

They will, it'll be out soon, and texting me isn't going to speed it up.

Mother!

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.