Ep 293: Stacey Dooley

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

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So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, smashing up the meringue of conversation, mixing it with the whipped cream of humor, and adding the strawberries of friendship, James.

Eaten mess.

You definitely done eaten mess before.

Yeah, I probably have.

You always tell me it doesn't matter if I've done it before.

That is a gamble, but I'm sorry.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and everything's so albatross.

We invite in a guest and we ask them for the day.

We say the same thing every episode.

Start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Stacey Dooley.

Stacey Dooley, a wonderful broadcaster, James.

Broadcaster, author as as well, writer.

Broadcaster?

Oh, yeah.

I know.

Now we're making fun of the way I say broadcaster.

Well, you didn't even say it.

You went broadcaster.

Yeah, yeah.

What did you do?

Eat a mess again, mate.

At least,

you know, I'm having to come up with something new every time.

And yeah, sure, maybe I've done eaten mess before, but I barely remember what I've done yesterday, so don't put that on me.

And you've said in the past, doesn't matter, just do...

Because I panic about it.

And you're like, just do one you've done before.

It doesn't matter.

And then you're not even saying broadcaster properly listeners i have touched a nerve

stacey dooley has one giant nerve mate of course you've touched a nerve dear mini is out now stacy dooley's new book sorry yes conversations with remarkable mothers remarkable remarkable remarkable mothers

very excited to talk about that and learn more about that book yes and also find out stacey dooley's dream menu dream yes however if stacey dooley says the secret ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable we'll have to keep we will have to kick her out out of the drinking.

Leave all that in, Benito.

Because I want people to know

that this guy's coming for me and he can't even say the things that he says every week properly.

Yeah, I can't.

You say the same thing every week.

No, I don't.

Joan always says he's a mess of the Ula's handya now and again.

Done out more than once, definitely.

So I've got one hot leg today.

Is that normal?

No,

you're having a stroke or something?

Up my upper top, top of my right leg.

Yeah.

Feels hot.

Well, it feels hot in me.

All day today.

Has that been all day?

All day you've had one hot leg?

That's bad.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe Google that, Benito.

What is it, Benito?

Blood clots, poor circulation or skin infections.

It's not circulation.

It's not skin infection.

So it's blood clot.

Blood clot.

And this week, the secret ingredient is Mini Cheddar.

Mini Cheddars.

Mini Cheddars.

The book is called called Dear Minnie, so we've gone with Minnie Cheddars.

Yeah.

Benito would like it as a point of record that he is a Chedhead.

Yeah, I'm a Chedhead as well.

I love Minnie Cheddars.

Yeah, you two are both Ched Heads.

Bonita's saying oh no and putting his head in his hands.

Is it you checking Ed Symptoms again?

Benito is very tired of producing this podcast.

Yeah, but he can't afford to quit.

So he's trapped in it.

But he's not happy about it.

He's not happy.

Well, listen, it's time to smash up the meringue of humour and stir in the cream of

friendship.

Add in the strawberries of comedy.

I merged comedy.

I wouldn't do that.

You've already said humour.

This is the off-menu menu of Stacy Dooley.

Welcome, Stacey, to the Dream Restaurant.

Very exciting.

Welcome, Stacey Dooley, to the Dream Restaurant.

But it's been to you for some time.

James, that's the energy I was after.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm actually made up.

I'm slightly put out that it's taken this long to get on this pod.

Really?

You've been trying for ages now?

I've been trying for such a long, long time, begging them.

Begging them, calling every morning.

That true.

Well, I don't get food to us, Stacy.

Yeah.

I think it made it to Benito as well.

Benito is the gatekeeper.

Yeah, yeah, no, sure.

Well, I'm here.

Thank you for my money.

Sorry about that.

We'll have a word with him afterwards.

Sometimes he can be a little bit

tricksy.

Well it's not that

he's devious.

It's malice.

Yeah it's malice.

It is malice

if if it was his way the only people we'd have on are roller coaster designers.

Oh fine.

Yeah.

Yeah I don't know a huge amount about the design of roller coasters.

Haven't done a lot of work.

Neither do we.

Neither do we because we've never talked to him.

We refuse to interview them.

So

we will never know.

But

he loves them.

He's always like, come on, this guy did the first big dip.

Now, let's talk about your new book.

Thank you.

Dear Minnie.

Dear Minnie.

This is it.

We were waiting for the release of Dear Minnie until we had you on.

That must be what happens.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love her art.

I know.

It sort of does what it says on the book.

It's not.

So, do you know what it's like when they're sort of back and forth and you're flirting with the idea of a third book?

You're like, what are we going to write about?

You know?

And then the obvious topic to try and unpick was motherhood, parenthoods.

But it's such an oversaturated market innit you know what I mean it's like there's thousands of books talking about parenthood so and I didn't want it to be too earnest and I actually don't have any of the answers so I thought well is there a world where we just ask other mums what they're doing just put it on to them

but they were a delight actually so the premise is like really straightforward it's loads of letters from mums all over the UK and they write a letter to their their kids and it's I'm delighted actually I'm thrilled with the I think that's good as well because especially with something like parenthood, if one person is saying, Here's how you do it, and this is my advice, everyone goes, Well, who who are you to tell me that?

You know, I've got my own things going on.

So it's good, you know, you're you're getting opinions from everywhere.

And I think if it had been sort of focused solely on my experience, it wouldn't have been like massively representative.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm so mindful.

Like my pregnancy was, you know, relatively straightforward.

I fell pregnant.

You know, there was no real issues there.

My birth was sort of fine.

So I thought, actually, that's so not the case for so many mums.

Of course, yeah.

Circumstances are different, etc.

So, yeah, I'm just delighted.

I'm really made up that the mums agreed to contribute.

It's a nice little read.

And dear Minnie, not Minnie Mouse.

Not Minnie Mouse.

So I think that's why Benito's agreed for you to come on because he loves Disneyland.

Sorry,

excited.

Minnie Dooley, my daughter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's, I'm completely.

Do you know what?

I never thought.

Bolly, what a great name.

Yeah, it's a good name.

And I never thought I'd be like this.

I never thought, like, I was never hugely maternal.

You know, some women, it's a sort of non-negotiable.

But the minute she came on the scene, I'm just so, so starry-eyed.

It's like the best, best part of my life is being a mum.

I love came on the scene for a kid as well.

Yeah, yeah.

It's so tweet to even say that.

I'm

not sure if she's the best part of my life, but

she's really wicked.

That's good.

That's good.

So people know they're going into this book and they're going to read a little bit about how excited you are to be a mum.

It's not, she turns up, she's an absolute pain.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Although, do you know what's funny, right?

It's like I never thought, I didn't think like I would be that mum where all she does is talk about being a mum, but actually, here we are.

Yeah.

That is what I've become, unfortunately.

I'm ever so sorry.

I think it's the best way around to be those things.

I know nothing about roller coasters, but everything about two-year-olds.

When she grows up, you need to learn if you want to about roller coasters.

Minnie Dooley's going to jump on all those roller coasters.

I know.

But you know, we took her to Disney before Christmas, and obviously Minnie Mouse was was the big event and they come around when you're having breakfast or whatever the characters and Minnie just could not could not believe that she was stood opposite Minnie Mouse

do you know she just her little she just could not believe it and it was actually beautiful seeing all the kids or whatever like so made up yeah since we're when I've been to Disney it's been me and my girlfriend and we haven't had kids with us fine the most uncomfortable part of the day for me is when those characters come over

and come over because you went to the breakfast though were were you?

No, you didn't do the character breakfast.

My partner went to the breakfast not knowing it was character breakfast in our hotel.

She was like, Do you want to come to breakfast?

I was like, No, I'm knackered.

I'm staying in bed.

She comes back up and she's like, It was a character one, and I've got my photo with Mickey and everything.

And I was like, But you're on your own at character breakfast.

It is interesting adults going to Disney without children.

Yeah.

But it's a massive market for it.

Yeah,

the actual theme part is great.

It's the characters that I'm just like, when they come up to you, I'm like, mate, come on.

It's just not for you.

I know that you're a grown adult in that suit.

Please go away.

It just makes me too uncomfortable.

I love it.

I sort of get it.

I know you're in there.

Yeah, waiting for a ciggy break half the time, aren't they?

Yeah.

I was like, I don't want to interact with you and be like, oh, hi.

Hey, hey, Pluto.

How's it going?

That was me.

I was so lame.

So the parades all kicking off and everyone stood there.

But how cringe?

I called Pluto goofy.

I got Pluto and Goofy muddled up.

So I'm screaming, Pluto, Pluto.

Kev went, that's goofy.

I was like, oh, I'm so out of the loop.

Yeah,

that doesn't make you look good.

No, Vivi Uncle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Disneyland Paris is the best one to see characters who've clearly been on a ciggy break.

Sure.

We went to Disneyland Paris and there was Jack Skellington.

Am I saying that right?

Yeah.

Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas.

Oh, fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was great and he was like meeting everyone, like massive energy.

And then he's just waved and walked off like someone shepherded him off.

And I was like, oh, no, I wanted to meet Jack Skellington.

Ten minutes later, someone else comes back out in the costume and they were like, just they couldn't have given a fuck.

No.

You're like, what has happened?

It looked like something really awful had happened to Jack Skellington halfway through.

He just came out.

He's like, yeah.

Three minutes that he disappeared.

Yeah, yeah.

There you go.

I like meeting the characters.

I'm always excited to meet Donald.

So who'd you go with?

My wife.

Yeah, just you too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She likes all that.

Yeah.

It's like a big retro thing for her.

Like, it's like pure nostalgia.

Yeah.

And, you know, I'm happy to say I was excited to meet Donald.

I think Minnie is the nicest name from the Disney universe.

Yeah.

To name a tribe.

Minnie Dooley is a great, great name.

Yeah.

Yes, Joy, Coke Coolie.

Yeah.

Kick Koofi.

Or Donald.

Yeah.

Well, not anymore.

Certainly not.

No.

He's ruined it for us.

Certainly not.

Surely the duck is not going to change his name.

The duck might have to change his name.

I don't trust that duck anymore.

Are you a foodie, Stacey?

Well, I love eating.

I love, love, love going to restaurants, but I'm not massively in the know.

So I wouldn't be able to sit here and tell you about certain cuts of prosciuttio.

I mean, that's not my scene particularly, but I do love a bougie restaurant.

I think that still qualifies as a

thing so.

Yeah.

I think so.

I don't.

We very rarely get into

the weeds of different cuts.

Well, that's perfect.

That's good news.

Fine.

I can just tell you what I like to eat if that's interesting.

You got yourself a deal.

Welcome to the podcast.

You got yourself a deal, Stacey Dooley.

Foodie dooley.

Foodie-dooly.

I'm not massively fussy.

I'll sort of eat anything apart from pigeon.

Why?

Why is pigeon the one?

I like we're ruling out stuff at the top of the episode.

That's yeah.

I mean, I will eat pretty much anything.

I will try pretty much anything, but I'm just have a bit of a phobia of pigeons.

And I know it's not the pigeon that you see, you know, in southeast London flying around.

I know it's like a kind of country wood

living.

They're not the ones with fucked up feet.

That's what I'm thinking with, like, two toes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but still, it's just not my thing.

So that's their piss that does that.

Sorry?

That's their piss that does that to their feet.

Did you know that?

No.

They've got very acidic urine and it burns their own feet away.

Ed.

Yeah.

That's true.

It's all right.

You're not having pigeon.

I didn't know that.

But

Google that.

I'll catch up.

I just need to go for a piss.

Hold on.

Now I've got one toe left.

Geez.

Wow.

That is interesting.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

If it's real, I don't know.

That's a piss that does that.

You're not sure, are you?

He's not sure.

Benito's kind of shaking his head.

He doesn't seem to.

I'm not lying.

I heard that.

And, you know, in the modern world, you don't know what's real and what's not, right?

So I prefer to take everything as fact and repeat it as such.

That's generally what's happening today, isn't it?

Yeah, if that helps.

We always start with still the sparkling water.

Always sparkling for me.

Always.

I don't really mess with still water,

which is why I'm dehydrated so much of the time.

I

exclusively drink sparkling water and builders tea with a dash of oat milk.

Sparkling always.

I think if there's a dash of oat milk in there, it ain't builders.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

What builder is asking for a dash milk?

Vegan builders?

Come on.

No vegan builders out there, I'm sure.

I never met a vegan builder.

Sometimes I do feel sort of slightly annoyed in myself when i'm sort of you know i'm in a place where there's obviously not a carton of oatley and i'm like oh have you got any oat milk i think i'll shut up do you know when i last did that millwall in the millwall caf

imagine the football girl yeah i lived in broccoli and i was we were near millwall blah blah blah anyway we were having a curry there and i said oh can have a cup of tea yeah i said have you got any oat milk she went no no which is

totally totally fair enough yeah so i just had a black tea surely millwall needs to get some oat milk in.

Millwall?

Yeah.

No way, man.

You should be modernising.

No way.

You're lucky that Millwall Football Club is currently as civil as it is.

You're lucky, man.

They're going to get oat milk.

Am I right, Stacey?

Well, no, last time I was there, I wasn't able to get a cup of tea with oat milk, which is obviously completely outrageous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm actually completely addicted to tea.

It's sort of ridiculous.

There have been a couple of occasions where I've had to try and wean myself off, and I've been like an addict, like coming off like headaches, like throwing up, like throwing up, yeah, legit.

Like that's embarrassing, actually.

Why did you feel like you needed to wean yourself off the tea?

Well, when I was pregnant, I was trying to drink less caffeine.

I'd sort of have a cup a day or whatever, and that was like the big treat.

And then there have been other occasions where, for example, I did a series with a Mormon family in Manchester, and hot caffeine was like a big no-no in their household.

household.

Hot caffeine.

Yeah, so you're allowed cold caffeine, but not hot caffeine.

Like diet cokes and stuff.

That's fine.

Red bull?

I think that's fine.

So wow, if you're a Mormon, you can have a Red Bull, but not a Twinings.

I think that, yeah.

I mean, that was what I was starting with this family.

So I thought that's totally fair enough.

So

I hadn't had a tea for like 24 hours and my head was like a drum.

I said to my boss, Alice, my director, I was like, I actually can't think straight.

So I had to leave the premises.

The runner, Love Right, had to bring me like a flask of hot tea and I downed it at the bottom of the drive.

Before you spoke to the Mormon drawer.

And then I was like back in the room.

I think I would have just got a headache from talking to Mormons for a day.

That's the level of addiction I'm at, James.

About

wanting to be rude to any Mormons.

No hot caffeine.

I didn't know that was a rule.

Yeah.

I get oat milk offered to me all the time now because I've stopped having caffeine.

And I go and I ordered decaf.

I got into decaf.

Why did you stop on the caffeine?

It would make me too anxious.

Fine.

I love coffee.

Yeah.

I love it.

But I was noticing, I was like, come on, man, you're just stressed out all the time for nothing.

Right, and then yeah.

So let's try and not do caffeine and see if that makes a difference.

It does, gutted.

Yeah.

That means I've got to carry on now.

But I started to get into decaf.

I'm like, actually, you know, it'd been long enough since I had caffeine.

This kind of tastes like a regular caffeinated coffee, you know?

We love that.

But every time I order a decaf, they assume I want oat milk.

They just assume.

They'll just say it.

So I just say I'd like a decaf flat white.

And they go, cool, decaf, flat white, oat milk.

And I'm like, no, didn't say oat milk.

And first time I was like, whatever.

Every time it's happening, every time there's something.

You do have an oat milk vibe.

Especially when I say the decaf thing.

Before they wouldn't assume it and I just said normal coffee.

Yeah.

But now I'm saying decaf.

They're like, we assume that you're a wimp across the board.

Do you know what, James?

We all have our crosses to bear.

Yeah.

And I'm really sorry that they've put that on you.

Thank Thank you.

Also, in London, I'd be interested to know the stats.

I think oat milk is probably more popular than cow's milk now.

I think you're struggling with the milk.

Apart from Millwall, of course.

Apart from Millwall calf.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you like to get a decaf in Millwall?

I think you might struggle, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe just bring your own bags.

That's what I do when I'm going to America.

Yeah.

That's when I'm going to America, I just take my own tea bags because for whatever reason, it don't matter where you are, what state, they cannot make a cup of tea.

The water's just, I say make the water, it's it's got to be boiling.

It just falls on deaf ears.

Oh, damn.

So we're all struggling.

Yeah.

Pop dumps or bread.

Pop dumps or bread, Stacey Doody.

Pop dumps or bread.

Pop dumbs or bread.

What bread are we talking?

Pop up to you.

This is your dream.

This is your dream meal.

Whatever bread you like.

I love.

Look at me.

I love Forca.

I actually do love Forcatcha.

I love brown toast.

What do you mean, look at me?

For catcher.

Like Lardi Dav, isn't it?

It is.

Your third book.

Yeah, no, you're right, actually.

And I haven't ate white bread in about 15 years.

Brown toast, For Catcher, Sourdough.

My starter.

Well, we haven't got that.

Yeah, no spoilers.

It kind of bleeds into.

Okay, let's bleed in.

Okay, fine.

Just quickly before you bleed in.

Oh, sure.

For catcher now always reminds me of the band Cleopatra.

Because it rhymes.

Cleopatra coming at you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then I think Cleopatra coming at you, Forcatcher.

Cleopatra coming at you.

Cleopatra.

get a pen and paper, write down our name.

Pen and paper doesn't work for me.

It should be Forcatcha.

Get down to paper, write down our name.

Was that the next line?

Yeah, get a pen and paper, write down our name.

You will realize our aim is the same as the others.

We all have that dream to make it to their top.

The word perfect.

Cleopatra Caminacha's.

Do you remember?

I love that song.

All I remember is Cleopatra Caminacha.

Yeah, I remember Cleopatra Caminacha.

Oh, no, I know the whole song.

But I didn't remember Get a Pen pen and paper, which is an awful rhyme.

For Catcher is a much better rhyme.

It wasn't that big back then.

For Catcher wasn't a thing when Cleopatra

could have done with you, Ed.

Yeah, they should have got me in to write some lyrics.

So you've got to write their pen and paper, write their name down, and then you realise that your aim is the same.

Yeah.

We all have that dream to take it to the top.

And when we do, we know we're never going to stop.

It did, though, quite quickly.

Yeah.

That's like locked in my song.

I haven't heard that song.

It's not on my Spotify list, but it's obviously there somewhere.

It's big.

Yeah, it's a big memory.

I did love it.

Can you remember the lyrics to Sailor V by Bewitched?

Yeah, obviously.

You just say them straight away.

Say you will, say you won't, say you'll do what I don't.

Say your truth, send to me.

Not as clear.

I think it is.

Say your truth, say to me, Sailor V.

Say La V.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Double denim, obviously.

sometimes she fights like her dad, of course.

She says that at the beginning, she says, Sometimes I fight.

People say I look like my dad

is the intro.

It's her saying, People say I look like my dad.

And then later on, she goes, I fight like my dad as well.

Fights like her dad?

Yeah.

I thought you said fart.

I thought you said you fart.

No one farts like her dad.

She doesn't fart like her dad.

She fights like her dad.

She's bewitched.

They don't really give that energy to me.

No.

She says it.

She says she fights like her dad.

Wow.

Her dad has heard it and it is.

But her dad might not fight.

We We have to remember that her dad might not be a violent.

Peaceful man.

Yeah, yeah.

I fight like my dad as well, aka.

Nothing.

Nothing, yeah, yeah.

No confrontation whatsoever, actually.

Just doing my fight with the pacifist.

So, what do you want for your dream meal?

What sort of bread do you want, Cleopatra, coming out of the middle?

This is going to merge, it's going to bleed into the.

This is going to bleed.

It's going to bleed.

I've just spilled water, like still water.

Still water, yeah.

It won't even stay in your mouth.

That's how much you hate.

It's just so gross.

So, what's my dream meal?

Yeah,

not the whole meal.

Step by to

Step by step.

Let's do the bread course.

We need to drink the anchovies.

You said it bleed one.

Yeah, you can't.

It's up to you.

Dan Akru did it all at once, but you can take a seat by step by deal.

Sorry, Joe, play footsie with you.

So,

he's never played footsie with me during the episodes before.

Yeah, yeah.

He just played footsie with me.

He's put his foot very, very daintily on top of mine.

Yeah.

And then just moved it around a little bit.

Well, because your foot's not normally there.

I thought it was part of the table.

Yeah, I thought it was part of the table.

Oh, there you go.

I'd known it was your foot.

My starters is Anchovies on Toast.

Right.

Lovely.

This is the bleeding.

Yeah.

Of course.

On toast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On toast.

Specifically, this is how middle-class I am now.

I love Anchovies on Toast from Denmark.

Love this.

Copenhagen.

Incredible.

To be precise.

I've just got back from there.

Stop.

Yeah.

Like Cleopatra, I will not.

We will not stop until you make it to the top.

Where did you stay?

Where did you go?

Oh, I don't know exactly where we stayed.

We were sitting in an Airbnb and like in the center loved going to burtell salon and getting the cheesecake every time yes love the cheesecake there loved going to uh the da sanchez place that there's the tacos yeah de sanchez thank you ed went to noma yeah yeah yeah um felt very lucky to do that yeah because that's really tricky to get into isn't it yeah is that that's like the garden not the garden shed but the greenhouse with all the greenhouses and stuff there yeah did all the bakeries and stuff all the did a sausage roll crawl perfect yeah very cheesy and he went and got loads of sausage rolls that's not a sort sort of, that's not how he got around Copenhagen.

No.

A certain type of crawl.

No, fine.

Or a roll.

But like, yeah.

Art feeling roll.

But yeah, no, I really, really love anchovies on toast.

Whenever I'm in Copenhagen, that is always like my go-to.

Is there a specific place that does them that you like?

Everywhere I've been, they just get it so right.

I wonder if that's one of their dishes.

I don't know.

I'm so excited.

It feels like it could be like Scandinavian,

doesn't it?

If a lot of places do them in copenhagen it probably is because it's not like it's on every menu it's just so perfect it's the it's the perfect perfect starter do you know what i mean and if i'm not starving i will just order that twice my little girl can have a bit there's no fuss there's no mini dooley can have a bit the full name i'm obsessed with you saying the full name because it's a great full name

so yeah that's my starters for sure so when it when it comes when it comes you get it in a restaurant is it like a big bit of toast with anchovies on top or are they like mini bits of mini bits of toast you know what they're like they're so like everything is so chic everything is so like aesthetically pleasing even the way they like cut it into like you know four fingers

pathetic they cut it into like just four chic fingers yes four chic fingers i love how you're like this is how middle class i am now i'm having this there's four fingers

whenever i see some sort of variation of anchovies on toast on any London menu as well, I'm getting that.

Like Brat,

the bread at Brat with the anchovies on top.

I've been there, actually.

It's so good.

If you like anchovies on toast, then I must.

You've got to go.

Okay, fine.

Okay, maybe that can be my treat because it's my birthday next week, actually.

Is it?

Happy birthday.

38, imagine.

Yeah, well, I can.

I can, yeah.

You are 38.

I simply am, yeah.

You simply are 38.

It's so young.

But I'm 39 in like two weeks.

When's your birthday?

March 10th.

Stop.

Yeah.

Mine's March 9th.

There you go.

We could go to Brat together.

We'll go to Brat together.

Okay, fine.

We're going for an anchovy birthday.

Would you like to come, James?

No.

No.

No, you'd like to come, James.

They might not have decaf tea, actually.

Yeah.

I can't guarantee there'll be decaf tea there.

No, no, no.

It's not your place.

I've been trapping it up with my old man vibes.

It's not your scene.

It's not your scene.

This is for people in their late 30s, Trinity.

Yeah.

But anchovies, I mean, I don't like it when they're a bit hairy and they've got little bones hanging out.

Do you know what I mean?

I like the luxurious, like, thick, long anchovies.

Yeah, the skin.

I know what you mean about the hair.

I mean, yeah, it's not hair, is it?

It is bones.

Oh, fine.

Well, that's what I assume that they're not hairy, are they?

Like, it's very thin bones.

Yeah, it's not no such thing as a hairy fish.

I don't want to

stand at any other podcast's toes here.

Maybe they are just fine, fine bones.

I don't like the skinny little, you know, pathetic ones.

I like the big, chunky ones.

In fact, in M

they've got these anchovies that they sell in this red packaging, and they're like seven quid a pack.

But they're so oh so great.

Do you make your own anchovies on toast at home?

Every now and then, but it's always a real disappointment.

Not really.

What do you think you're getting wrong?

Just I'm I'm putting my toast on the anchovies.

Yeah, it's it's it's it's not the same.

It's just not the same experience for me.

Really?

Yeah, also I'm a really dud cook.

I can't cook.

But it's toast.

I know James, you would think that, but I I'm completely incapable.

really yeah useless actually pathetic tragic just a joke actually

what what do you get wrong with toast i mean i don't what i don't like i don't like when it's floppy do you know when it's barely done it makes me gag i'm like get out of here it needs to be so close to being burnt yeah and then but not burn but not burn yeah yeah okay it's a small window yeah it's a very small window

yeah and then maybe i'm not using the right butter i don't know but it's never danish standards are you using a toaster or a grill when you're toasting the cook?

Toaster.

So, yeah, that's even harder to get it.

Are that exact thing?

You can't see it.

I can't see it.

You've got it under the grill and you're going for it almost burnt but not burnt.

Maybe you've got a chance at that.

I've got time to whip it out.

Yeah.

But in the toaster, you're just thinking how estimate.

I think it's about no.

It's a guessing game.

I also think doing it under the grill with a bit of...

olive oil on the bread before you put it under would probably make it feel a bit more luxurious.

Marco Pierre White over it.

Fine, okay.

See your reference for a chef.

Huh?

Okay, I'll do that.

So that might work.

Okay.

But yeah.

Or a see-through toaster.

Those are my only two options.

I think a see-through toaster.

Do they exist?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Do they really?

This guy thought that piss.

Yeah, actually, I'm not listening to any.

Yeah, I don't believe anything that could be.

You just take a normal toaster and you piss on it, and it goes off.

You thought people can piss their feet off.

Pigeons, man.

I don't think we can trust a body.

Do you think people can piss their feet off?

You're too good.

You did.

You said, we better be careful you can piss your feet off.

That's a delicious starter, I think.

Yeah.

that's really good and you I mean you could have had it as the bread course and picked something else as the starter but we could have done a little hat stuck in lublin's mark but um yeah no you're right choosing to just

but you've said it's the perfect starter yeah it really is the perfect perfect starter you can have it as bread as well yeah you have both you have double basically double portion we'll bring you over some anchovies on toast as your bread course and then starter comes along it's more anchovies great now that would be great actually because as as i told you you know a double serving i wouldn't i wouldn't be entirely against yeah i much prefer starters to a dessert.

Okay.

Ah, yes, here we go, excellent.

Okay.

Oh, dear.

James, you just need this.

Is how people, as young as me and Stacey, feel.

Yeah.

I didn't know that the distance.

Listen to the youth.

Listen to the

kids going to starters over desserts.

I know Generation World War I or whatever the fuck you are.

People who had to go through rationing love a dessert because it's exciting.

Yes, a little treat.

Felt like such a treat at the end.

Yeah, the Jevis can't find you if you're eating your pudding.

But we're Gen Z.

We like starters.

We're We're loosely Gen Z.

Stacy, we're Gen Z.

Well, I'm not going to lie.

You've offended me, Stacey.

I'm not happy to hear that you prefer starters to desserts.

Big on desserts, really.

Yeah, because it's what makes life worth living.

I think

when you're about to die, you won't be like

more starters than desserts.

I think you'll think, why don't I eat more puddings?

What is James about to die?

I'm not massively into cake.

We're all about to die.

It's not you guys.

You speak chickens.

You've got your whole life ahead of you.

It's going to be hard for me to continue through this episode now.

Knowing that we're

worried about what you're going to say later.

Knowing that we're heading towards a disappointing finale.

Sure, no, that is fair enough.

Keep it under your hat.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Well, let's sort of drag this out another sort of half an hour or so.

We'll drag it out.

Yeah, we'll drag it out for sure.

I was going to say, like, if for your menu, you've got a bunch of different mums that you know to write your menu for you and what their courses would would be.

Maybe that could be the next book.

We collaborate, yes, we could, yeah, yeah, dear menu, dear menu, yeah.

There you go, or let's work on off many, off many, off many.

This is perfect, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's keep talking, yeah, yeah, okay,

right now, in terms of like doing the podcast,

yeah,

finish this part

of the podcast,

okay?

Let's keep talking, let's drag it up to 40 minutes so we're not

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Your dream main course?

My dream main course.

Two options because you never know what's available.

Okay, well, it's your dream menu.

So anything.

Say both of them, and then we will make you choose.

Okay.

I want to hear both.

Well, they're both pasta.

The first one is puta nesca.

You can't believe that accent, can you?

No.

Perfectly pronounced.

Putanesca.

And the second one is cacho pepe.

Yeah, yeah.

I know these aren't massively like, oh, that's so unexpected, but I just love pasta so, so, so very much.

You know what I mean?

Like, you can't really go wrong.

I don't even mind it when it's audent, you know, when it's a bit hard.

I can sort of deal with that.

It's easy.

It's perfect.

What shape of pasta, if this is your, obviously, your dream, your dream meal?

So you can either have a pre-existing shape of pasta or you can invent your own.

Oh, I can invent my own.

I've never given someone that option before.

It's so exciting.

If we were to put an escape I would have penne,

thick penne, not the skinny little, you know, I like it when it's fresh pasta as well.

Yeah.

So like the thick tubes

a rigatone.

Oh, is that what that is?

That's a thick tube format.

Oh, fine.

So

how big are we talking, these tubes?

Thick, like a cylinder, you know?

How much of a cylinder, though, because then we're entering canalone territory.

I don't think cannellone.

No.

I think it's half penne, half.

Can you pronounce it, please?

Rigatonigatone.

Rigatoni.

Half of each.

Kind of somewhere in between the two.

Okay.

Not some penne, some rigatone, because then you're going to have an issue with the pennae hiding in the rigatoni.

Yeah, and yeah, I'm a busy, busy lady.

You can't be.

I can't be digging around for penne canne.

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

In my rigatoni.

So that kind of shape.

Okay.

I'm not fussed.

I'm not asked.

Just loosely that kind of shape.

Anchovies.

Yes, of course there's anchovies in Putanesca as well.

I just, yeah, I just,

I could eat three bowls of that and I'd still, yeah, I'd still have room for more.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

And I've got a big, big appetite.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, I just love to eat.

Putanesca is up there with the

sauces for me as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The kick.

Give the kicks.

Salt.

Yeah, I just love salt so very much.

My little girl who's two,

Minnie Dooley will not stop eating capers.

Really?

Really?

Interesting.

She loves anchovies for obvious reasons.

Well, even that's quite impressive.

A two-year-old.

I guess two-year-olds can.

That's not that uncommon, I guess.

Yeah.

But capers.

She loves capers.

Last night, this is no top-up.

I'm not saying this for like oh, something interesting to say.

She, I mean, fine if you are.

You're waiting, aren't you?

James?

It's all right.

Just say you know, it's fine.

If you are just saying something because it's interesting, just say you're allowed to.

This is appropriate.

Please do, actually.

But I have to like line up individually capers, about, you know, five or ten capers, line them up.

And then if she has a mouth of salmon or a bit of broccoli, she can have a caper.

Wow.

So they're like the treat.

It's like finish the rest of your dinner and then you can have

one caper.

Yeah.

Like the M ⁇ Ms.

It's probably going to be poorly with the salt overdose, but like she just loves capers.

She's having her veggies as well and some fish.

Well, this is it.

Anchovies, capers, and olives.

Well, when did she first have a caper?

Because that doesn't really come up in a capital.

With her Putin Eska knocking about, and she has to have a mouthful.

I mean, when did she start capers?

She's just got such a salty tooth, like me.

She's got such a salty tooth, which I probably should.

I should.

It doesn't sound as nice as sweet tooth, does it?

Salty fish.

It doesn't have a name of a pirate.

Yeah, yeah.

It does.

Salty toothpaste.

I think because they're always in the house or whatever, she's just massively into them.

That's really good.

So I'm worried now that Minnie Dooley's going to grow up and prefer starters to desserts.

i think she probably might yeah that's a shame although when she's with her nan like you know she'll have seven biscuits and a pepper pig lolly and do you know what i mean it doesn't matter how many times i say can we not give the baby a load of shit yeah she'll come home and have digestive biscuits all over her mouth

well she's desperate for salty stuff then i'd imagine well yeah she's been eating so much sweet stuff

so as you can hear her her diet is perfectly balanced

she's gonna go out the picture of health she's got everything yeah

who's whose mum is the nan My mum.

So she's our nanny, actually.

So if I'm working and Kev's away

working, my mum, I love the baby.

And them two are thick as thieves.

You know what I mean?

They're like so in love with one another.

It's all nanny-nanny.

Yeah.

They're tight.

It's because she's thinking that the biscuits are good stuff.

Yeah, she's not daft.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I bet her nan tells everyone, like, she's got to speak to them.

Yeah, and you know, and the thing is, as well, it's like I sort of, it's funny, like I don't want to be that like rigid, boring, strict mum, but also we cannot give her five digestive biscuits every day, can we?

No, no, we just can't.

No, not so actually, I'm about to lay down the law.

Yeah, at least give her a more exciting biscuit.

Yeah, yeah,

give her five digestives a day, like she's in all of a twist.

My mum needs to start listening to me.

I'm in charge.

Yeah, exactly.

Give her capers, give her a big old jar of capers, please.

Next book.

Next book.

People writing letters to their mums.

Yes.

Listen, bitch.

I'm in charge.

Times have changed.

The tables have turned.

Dear Nanny.

And you must listen to me, dear nanny.

Dear Nanny, fuck your fucking idea.

Looking after that kid is a privilege.

And it can be taken away from you at any second.

Could threaten her, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Threaten to take her only granddaughter away from her, out of her life entirely.

Here's a tin of anchovies.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

And the caccio pepe.

Yeah.

Spaghetti?

Yeah.

I think so.

How many bowls of that could you eat?

Easy three.

So we're

no closer to deciding between the two of them.

The problem is they do balance each other out so well because the caccio pepe, very rich.

It's got that creamy feel to it.

Butter.

And then, and yeah, so much butter.

And then the putanesca is like, it cuts through everything.

I don't know how you're feeling about a pasta platter, James.

Oh, I'll be open to a pasta platter.

Do you love pasta, James?

Yeah,

I ate a lot of treats of broccoli pasta during the lockdowns.

To be honest, since the lockdowns have lifted, I haven't gone near pasta that much.

Pasta dad?

Because I was having it, you know, five nights a week minimum.

That's a lot, yeah.

I was so into this chorizo broccoli pasta, it was so easy to make.

I felt every single bowl of it was delicious.

I never got bored of it until as soon as there was no longer lockdowns and restrictions and

people were calming down about COVID, suddenly I was like, I don't really want to make that anymore.

You're over it, yeah.

Yeah, my girlfriend's still knocking it back.

She had check on last night.

I was like, you have got to get yourself out of lockdown.

Yeah, we're 2025 now, babe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think I've ever made pasta at home and felt good afterwards.

Stop.

So it's either too much pasta, so I've just sat there on the sofa being like, why have I done this to myself?

Gone too far.

Or when I go back to make pasta, I'm like, remember what happened last time, Ed?

You felt awful after that.

And then you make what the normal portion is supposed to be, and then I'm starving afterwards.

Too small.

It's about eight bits of pasta.

Yeah, that's goldilocks over there.

That's not enough.

I'm goldilocks.

I'm Italian Goldilocks.

You are, actually.

I hate it when they sort of, you know, suggest portion sizes.

I think, what kind of hell is this?

It's like when you buy a pie, you know what I mean?

Like, just a supermarket pie, and they're like, should feed four.

Like, I'm like, I could eat that whole pie, no hassle.

Yeah.

If you just sell a smaller pie, if that's what you're trying to do to people.

Correct.

I want a supermarket pie now.

I love supermarket pies.

Steak and ale.

I don't like steak and kidney, just steak and ale.

What you got against the steak and kidney?

I'm guessing it's the kidney.

I think it's the kidney.

Judging by what's in, yeah,

it's not a steak, is it?

Steak and ale was getting through the door.

So you've got to assume steak and kidney's been denied for a reason.

That would be the weirdest thing ever said on this podcast if you said, love steak and ale, hate steak and kidneys.

Can't stand steak.

Yeah.

Don't love the steak.

Pastry, I don't like.

I actually don't know all the brilliant pie shops.

So I need to, because you guys are foodies, you need to, you need to point me in the right direction.

Like traditional pie shops?

Well, I like the idea of the traditional pie shops.

I used to go to that one in Peckham.

What's it called?

Is it a Mans's?

Is Mans's?

Yeah, where they do the liquor.

Yeah, yeah.

The girls in there are lovely.

And I did, you know, I did sort of enjoy it.

It doesn't sound like it.

No, listen, I do, I did.

So far, you said the girls in there are lovely.

Yeah, the girls were like brilliant.

And I loved, like, you know, it was a beautiful space.

And I don't think the liquor was for me, maybe.

It's parsley sauce, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like parsley sauce.

Rylan loves it.

Rylan loves it.

Oh, love his art.

Yeah, yeah.

I prefer gravy that hasn't really been mixed properly, so there's still like half an oxo cube at the bottom of the cup.

Okay, well, no restaurant's gonna do that for you, Steve.

Maybe I'll just sort myself out of honey.

Legitimate establishment isn't doing that.

Yeah, no, they are beautiful.

Those pie shops are beautiful inside, really beautiful.

All the tiling, you know, it's all, yeah.

I think they're protected.

I think you're not allowed to change them.

Is that right?

Yeah, because there's one in Walthamstow, which is no longer a pie shop.

It's a Japanese restaurant, but they can't change the interior.

Oh, fine.

You can go and have a nice Japanese meal, but sat in an old pie shop.

And of course, the...

Is that interesting?

Huh?

Is that interesting, what I just said?

Yeah.

It's very interesting.

Yeah.

If you ever said something and just felt like the most boring version of your dad possible,

that was me then.

Was James and I not giving you a reaction?

Yeah, that's on us.

We should have reacted more.

Thank you.

And thank you for admitting that.

Yeah, well, I mean, definitely.

I'll tell you something

along those lines.

The other day, I was cleaning out the cat litter litter tray.

This is really interesting, James.

See, that's more the sort of thing I was after.

My cat had done

a shit in,

I guess, in four parts.

Fourth, yeah, okay, four parts.

Yeah, four part shit.

Yeah.

Like it's a new TV series.

The four parts of the shit.

Yeah.

And I was scooping them up.

And it's cat litter because it's flushable.

So I was directly in the toilet.

Cat litter trays, next and toilet.

Bam, bam, bam.

Fourth one, scoop it up.

And I think to myself, oh, that's, oh, that's interesting.

That was the first bit of shit that came out of its box.

I was watching that.

So

realized that

the last bit that I scooped up was the first bit that came out of its ass.

And then I thought, my next thought was, I'm turning into my dad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wouldn't say Stacey enjoyed that anecdote.

Do you know, that's on me again, though.

I'm not massively into cats.

I don't really, I don't really like cats.

It was the cat bit that put you off that story.

That was the bit that puts you off the story.

It wasn't the drawn-out explanation of the shit.

It was the fact that it was a cat.

If it was a bloke who'd done those shits, I'd be really interested.

Bear that in mind.

What's your cat called?

I've got four.

Have you, James?

That's interesting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that, okay.

But that was Rue.

That was Rue in particular, who done those shits.

Yeah.

Rue's a small one as well.

She's one of the smaller ones, yeah.

So you love cats.

Yeah, I love them.

I love them.

I love cats.

So not into it.

I know, we're never going to marry, are we?

I My cat's not.

Especially with Kevin in the way.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a cat guy as well.

Yeah, really fine.

I'm a cat guy.

One, though.

I truly am not into cats even in the slightest.

That's a shame.

Yeah, I like dogs, but it'd be irresponsible to get a dog at the minute.

The baby loves dogs.

She's into this cat, actually, as well, that's down the road.

And I always try and swerve it.

I just

go away.

The cat, not my child.

Why do you like cats so much?

You seem to be a proper hat.

Yeah, they're sort of quite, I'll probably get cancelled because everyone loves cats, but they're sort of quite contrary, aren't they?

And they don't really need you, and they bring mice in.

I'm like, I have a massive phobia of mice, pigeons and mice,

pigeons and rodents.

It's just a hard no.

I actually had a mouse in my kitchen the other week, and I genuinely contemplated moving out.

Called your daughter Minnie.

I thought, I know.

You're actually, yeah, yeah, but more like Minnie Driver.

Right, okay, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, so I just think I wouldn't be able to actually

I wouldn't be able to trust a cat

not bringing a mouse into my house.

Well, my cat's a house cat, so has never met a mouse.

Never left the house?

Never left the house.

Do you want to hear something nuts?

Yeah, sure.

I was in a film with Minnie Driver and I played a mouse.

Stop.

That's not true, James.

That is true.

You was in a film with Minnie Driver.

Yeah.

You weren't in a scene with her, were you?

No, I wasn't in a scene with her.

You played a mouse?

We were in the same film.

What film?

Cinderella.

Stop.

Yeah, yeah, she's the queen.

I was a mouse who turns into a footman.

This is unbelievable.

It is unbelievable, isn't it?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna watch you on the way back.

Amazon.

James, that's amazing.

Yeah, pretty amazing.

That is.

I mean, I knew you were like a high-flying comedian.

Yeah, yeah.

But you also.

He's a film star as well.

I'm a film star.

He's in Ghostbusters.

I'm in Ghostbusters.

Stop this.

I'm Lars Pinfield as a parabiologist.

James, you really are.

Yeah.

He's a superstar.

Yeah.

And I still scoop up my cat shit.

You're still still so real.

Your dream side dish.

My dream side dish, I think I'm going to go for Arancini.

Again,

very technical.

Well, the reason being, I don't like it when I don't like mixing up cuisines.

Okay.

So, of course, I love other...

genres.

Yes.

Is that the right word?

Sure, sure.

But I don't like mixy-matchy.

Yes, okay, okay.

You know, so if I'd have started with Thai, I would have stayed with Thai.

If I started with Japanese, I would have stayed with Japanese.

And I love Japanese foods.

But I thought Italian, let's just stay in the same country.

Lovely.

What do you want in the arancini?

Because you can get ones with like stuff in the middle, right?

Probably like truffle and mushroom or something like that.

Great.

Yeah.

Missed an opportunity to just stick another anchovy into the meal.

I do know what you mean.

I do know what you mean.

I also like it when they fry the olives.

Oh my God.

I love that.

Yeah, that could be a nice side dish.

I love them.

I could could eat fucking hundreds of them, as could my child.

Of course.

The salt.

Yeah, there was the first time I had those was at a restaurant called Spontino, which is not there anymore.

And I'd never had it before, didn't not know it was a thing.

They bring you a little like cocktail glass thing full of just massive green olives with an anchovy in the middle, breadcrumb deep-fried.

I was like, I'd never need to eat anything else.

Fantastic.

True, fantastic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Try doing those at home.

Yeah, they would be tricky, I'd imagine.

I could.

A good one, yeah.

Be difficult.

Yeah.

Do you cook?

not not really no I can do like a few broccoli and chorizo pasta yeah for example yeah um so I've got I've got a few yeah but like actually since the lockdowns really not much at all I've probably forgotten to cook yeah a lot of the stuff that how to cook a lot of the stuff that I was cooking then you know get rusty yeah yeah yeah yeah but um you know yeah but

I mainly just roast stuff I roast a button squash but that's great I've got grenades

I just do like quick things yeah nice yeah yeah my My oven doesn't really work, so you don't really know.

Okay, this is so boring, actually.

But my oven, I've kind of, I've been in the house nearly two years, and the oven, you don't know if it's going to act as an oven or a grill.

Okay.

So you just have to.

So it just does what it wants.

Yeah, it just does what it wants.

And I can't figure it out.

I've googled it.

I've, you know, searched the...

the style of the oven.

I've asked the lady who I bought it off.

She's such a sweetheart.

Like she's sort of talked me through it numerous times.

i just i can't figure it out so i'm gonna renovate the kitchen the whole kitchen the whole kitchen's getting renovated

just to replace the oven yeah

no i just can't anymore christmas dinner it was like is this bird gonna cook yeah it did i feel like that about stuff sometimes just one thing in the house doesn't work and my first thought always my first thought is let's move yeah let's throw out the whole house and start again like me with a mouse yeah yeah which is completely rational yeah so you're not it's not it's not a case of like you're turning the dial wrong maybe i could show sometimes it's a grill sometimes it's another.

I know.

No, there's like because she says, this is so boring.

I'm so sorry.

So you're listening to this.

You have no idea how many times we have told stories that are boring and then retold them on the podcast.

Teretha broccoli pasta, for example.

Yeah, and the cat shit.

No, that is the first appearance of the cat shit.

And after the episode, I will be having a word with James and saying, please don't make that a running

or trim it down

quite substantially.

Quite solid.

Anyway, I can't figure it out.

It's like sometimes the oven's on, but the grid is also on.

It's for me, it's really annoying.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Your dream drink.

My drink.

Is this going to be Italian?

Well, I don't know what this is.

Shirley Temple.

Yeah, I'm going to say not Italian.

No,

American, I'd say.

American.

Yeah, because it's named after Shirley Temple.

the actual Shirley.

I think a certain bar as well.

I love a Shirley Temple.

And did you see recently that little lad that went viral?

He was the Shirley Temple king.

No, I didn't see this.

Can you tell us about the little lad?

Yeah, New York Times did a piece on him.

This kid's, I don't know, like 12, 13, whatever.

He was just going around the whole of New York.

Is it New York?

I don't know all of the details.

Anyway, this lad in America is sort of going around all the establishments and trying the Shirley Temples and has become like this, you know, the Shirley Temple king, stepping on my toes.

That's the sort of thing you'd do.

Because I love Shirley Temple.

Yeah, but like, I ain't got viral for it, that kid.

Yeah, because you're 40.

Yeah.

I'm 40.

Much older than us, Jones.

Yeah, I am.

Much, much older.

I think if there was a story about a 40-year-old going around trying all the Shirley Temples, it would be like, watch out for this man.

Yeah, I'd feel a bit.

Yeah.

I'd be on the news, yeah,

I'd be on a register.

What is a Shirley Temple for our listeners?

So, and for me,

I just always ask for it.

So, is it like it's ginger ale or ginger beer, I think, think.

And grenadine, the cherries, a bit of lime.

Am I right?

Yeah.

Is there anything else, Benito?

Is that ginger ale or ginger beer?

Ginger ale.

Lemonol.

Yeah, I put lime.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I put lime saza in it.

I love, listen, I love a Shirley Temple.

I don't booze, I don't drink.

Yeah.

So actually, I started ordering them out of necessity.

Just because I wanted a fancy drink also.

And the thing is, if you don't drink and you've got just your sparkling water, it's like, wait, you don't drink.

I'm like, I said crazy.

Oh, my God.

how come?

So I just have a Shirley Temple and I'm in with the gang.

I love it.

I've been in with a gang.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's nice to be in with a gang, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is there anywhere that you know does a good Shirley Temple?

Because I would say, if you, I wouldn't walk in anywhere and be like, Shirley Temple, please.

Does it panic people if you're just asking for a Shirley Temple?

It depends where you are.

I was in Glen Eagles in Scotland the other week.

Very fancy.

Very fancy.

And they made me a very nice Shirley Temple.

I bet they did.

As you can imagine.

But there's also like

a company, I think it's based in London, actually, and they make pre-made Shirley Temples.

Great.

And my pal always buys me a bottle for Christmas.

Is it like Black Notes or something?

Black Lions?

I think I know what you mean.

Yeah, nice Christmas.

Isn't that a thought?

I thought you look forward to that.

Black Lions.

Yeah, Black Lions do a nice bottle of Shirley Temple and it's already made.

Delicious.

You'll be buying that, won't you?

I'll be buying that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, especially maybe for Christmas.

Try it.

Maybe I'll add it to the Christmas revenue.

Yeah, see what you think.

What are your other?

I mean, you should be to ask this during Christmas episodes, but it's come up naturally.

You're looking forward to that bottle of the Black Lions Shelly Temple at Christmas.

What other things you can forward to eat at Christmas?

There are certain snacks and stuff we have around the house that are just at Christmas.

And not the Christmas dinner, no, but the snacks that are around.

Yeah, fine.

And

little babies.

And ovies and blankets.

We have

the Bombay Mix.

The Bombay Mix.

Obviously.

Twiglets.

Yeah.

Those celebrations, the celebrations that everyone wheels out.

Do you look disappointed then when the sweet stuff came up?

I made it.

You're like Bombay Mix.

Twiglets.

Fucking celebration of the first one.

They're just so obvious.

Okay, this is so generic of you.

Take them back.

I agree with you.

Poor Kev, getting it in the neck for bringing you chocolate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like Ferreira Roches.

Yeah.

I just, you know what?

It's like you just sit on the sofa and rot, don't you?

We put the royal family on.

Yeah.

Not the actual royal family, royal family.

I've seen every single episode.

I'm so obsessed with Ricky Tomlinson.

I can't begin to tell you.

We sit there.

That's good to rot to because they're rotting on the show as well, right?

It is.

It's our, yeah, we, yeah, we are just mirroring them.

Um, but I'll eat anything at Christmas.

My diet's pretty poor, I've got to say.

Like coming down on the train, I had a Kit Kat at nine AM.

Four fingers?

Your four fing again, four fingers.

You're laughing to yourself on the train and a mouth full of chocolate.

Can't believe it.

I'm great.

Can't believe the shot with us at 9 a.m.

Mad.

I'm so random.

I'm so mad.

So, yeah, I'll eat shit all the time.

But Christmas, I'm just like, let's go.

Yeah.

Love it.

It is good for that.

I love the Christmas snacks.

I mean, it's February as we record this.

I'm already eating it.

Yeah, I'm now excited for Christmas.

I want to get all those Christmas snacks in again.

Also, Easter, you can sort of do whatever you like, can't you?

I mean, any kind of

less and less now with Easter, I find.

Not for you, old salty tooth.

Good luck celebrating Easter.

Good luck being glad that he rose again.

Scotch egg.

Salted caramel.

Salt check is.

Salted caramel chocolate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll go to the chocolate.

Scotch egg.

Get a scotch egg.

I don't know if I love scotch eggs, actually.

Really?

Oh, here we go.

This is where the saltiness.

No.

I'm having a nightmare at the moment because I bought my wife.

We don't really do Valentine's stuff, but I was out with my friend Chloe and we both needed to go and buy stuff for our partners for Valentine's.

So she was doing it and I was like...

You felt, yeah, you must, yeah.

That's what I bought a card or whatever.

Bought a box of lint, the lint balls.

Oh, yeah, I know what you mean, yeah got about happy valentine's was that the whole present yeah yeah but my wife's not got me anything we don't do valentine's it's not really it's not really for boys we don't do anything for each other for that so she's gutted because she's like i've not done anything for you i was like well i won that i'd rather nothing than a box of lint wells i mean wait fair enough wait to hear this

i've done i've done half those balls yeah they weren't ready for her were they she's not had one no no she's not interested in them no love her art you had to take her out for dinner or what no eds I take her out for dinner all the time and take her out for dinner another time.

You're a nice guy.

Also going out on Valentine's night.

Actually, we did go out for dinner on Valentine's night.

Oh, fine.

And when I say we, I mean me and James.

It was nice.

Yeah.

Are you married, James?

No, I have a

girlfriend.

Did you get anything for Valentine's?

No.

No, okay.

Absolutely nothing.

Because she would have been...

very disappointed in me if I had.

She finds it repulsive.

Yes.

Some girls do get the yak, but not me.

I need fuss, fuss, fuss.

Yep.

Why?

Because

I just love treats.

Yeah.

I just love a treat.

I'm expecting like a bouquet, not red roses, obviously, but like a luxe bouquet.

Kev bought me a mini.

He's actually very romantic.

He bought me a mini matching necklace in his game.

Absolutely deadly if he's not.

You don't get me anything for the book team.

You're dumped.

Well, you know me, darling.

I'm a robot deck.

So you're in good hands.

No, I really want to do it.

Yeah, I really want to.

What do you get, yeah?

He got me and Minnie matching necklaces.

Oh, Minnie's getting a present.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She got a bad pay off her dad's.

Yeah, you need to set the bar high so when she's older, she doesn't go for a man who won't buy her anything for Valentine's Day.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But look,

me and James don't get things for Valentine's Day, but we're still lovely men.

So lovely men are out there.

No, that is be true.

You are both great.

But there needs to be an agreement within the relationship what Valentine's means.

Be on the same page.

Yeah.

Some girls do get the ick.

Like a couple of my pals are like, oh, it's not, there's nothing spontaneous about it.

Like, it's not for me.

Yeah, I do agree with that.

And I did only do it because, you know, I was just knocking around Sainsbury's.

Yeah, it is worse.

You're right that what Ed did is the worst

version of it.

The worst.

Well, I'm not going to bother in future.

No, absolutely not.

Truly, I think I only did it because I knew she wouldn't do anything for me.

And I knew I'd win if I got anything.

That's what loves about it.

And that's what it's all about.

It is.

Winning.

Did you get Kev anything?

Actually, I did.

I did, but it's like I don't really go to town in the same way that he does.

Why would you?

Why would you?

Don't need to.

So I got him.

The way that you want to be treated.

What did Kev get?

He's writing a series at the moment about ballroom dancing.

Cool.

So I got him some lettered pet-like paper with his name up the top.

Yeah.

Just did you, did you, did you also write May You Rot in Hell at the top?

Yeah, it wasn't enough.

Next year, year, get me more

things.

Buy my love.

Now, that's a very classy present.

Yeah.

It's like thoughtful.

Yeah.

Did you get his name right?

Spell it right.

Yeah, yeah.

Just Kevin Clifton.

It's very difficult.

No, that's nice.

That's nice.

Nice gift.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's my birthday next week.

So there'll be more treats to come.

So Kev's got a...

The treats are coming.

I feel like treats.

I think that would be a good next book.

Yeah.

I keep on pitching these books books to you.

Dear Kev.

But I would like...

Buy me more.

Dear Kev is a bad boy.

I'd like to

reviewing presents

that your partner and ex-partners have got.

Oh, wow.

So being like, here's what I got for this Valentine's, here's what I got for this birthday.

And writing.

Each chapter is about each present.

It keeps Kev on his toes as well.

Yeah, you don't want to get lazy, do you?

That's a great idea, James.

All right, fine.

I'd buy that.

I'll bring it to the publishers.

Yeah.

See what they say.

I'm not sure what it'd do for your public image.

I do know what you mean.

It would be great if it, you know, if you called it fuss, fuss, fuss, or whatever.

Maybe if I did it and pretended I was doing it in like an ironic way, but really it would be a very serious.

Yeah, just pretend.

Maybe if I just pretended.

Yeah.

The intro is all of the following book is ironic.

Yeah, yeah.

Fuss, fuss, fuss.

Chapter one.

Kevleton the doghouse.

Your dream dessert.

Now, obviously, I'm nervous going into this.

I know that you don't like desserts.

The Ferrero Rocher thing gave me a bit of hope.

But you like treats.

We know you like treats.

And treats are often sweet.

I do like desserts.

Okay.

I do.

I just prefer starters.

Correct.

But for my desserts, again, there were two options.

Key lime pie

or apple crumble with custard.

Okay.

Nice.

Yeah.

You know where you are with both of those.

Apple crumble, any crumble, really.

any sort of fruit crumble i sort of get you know when i'm i live in liverpool so i can go to any pub any restaurant and get like a decent crumble like a proper homemade crumble with like proper custards um key lime pie is like more of a treat don't really yeah i sort of yeah i have to sort of buy them in yeah where are you buying them buying them in from wait rose yeah

Stacey is pretending to smoke a cigarette

to signify the bouginess of going into waitros.

I'm actually so obsessed with wait roses.

I don't think smoking a cigarette makes it feel bougie.

It's like a skinny.

Especially when you grow, you mind rolling it up first.

Then you mind wearing fingerless gloves and doing a rolling.

With the key lime pie, are you having it just as is?

Yeah, I don't like ice cream.

Okay.

Do you?

Wow, this is.

I do not like ice cream.

I mean, if pushed, I would have like the sorbet one, you know.

We're not going to push you into it.

No, you don't want it.

I would push you into anything, but I think this is...

Disgraceful.

Sam, I feel sorry for you.

I feel sorry for me.

I just, yeah, I just think I would rather a lolly than an ice cream and even then I you know I'd have a lolly just because oh it's 30 degrees I might as well just have a lolly but not because I really am craving a lolly.

You'd prefer a bowl of cold capers.

I would.

Yeah yeah.

No I would.

And a lovely Shirley tea.

Yeah.

That would be perfect.

Yeah.

Truly.

That does sound good actually.

It does sound great.

Shirley Temple's quite sweet though I guess because so you're getting a bit of sweetness from your

drink anyway.

Yeah.

Have we made a decision between this key lime pie and the crumbling custard?

I mean it's not uniform throughout.

It's the only problem.

I've fallen at the last hurdle because you know I like it all to be one cuisine and I love teaching I could do with a tiramisu but I don't like tiramisu.

I don't know what other Italian desserts are available.

Well I guess like gilato.

That's not going to work.

I mean a little cannoli.

I do love cannolis.

Will I swap it?

Shall I swap?

Shall I swap it?

The cannoli?

It's up to you to your dream meal.

I guess it comes down to what's the most important to you is sticking with the cuisine all the way through I do like that idea or having these favourite desserts of yours yeah I'm gonna swap it what about a cannoli with the flavours of key lime pie so yes because you can fill it with whatever you wish you fill it with that yeah stuff that basically is the lime the key lime it's not even lime flavour is it is it yeah key limes made with key lime yeah so the the the lime filling it and then the

i thought i'd heard some trivia that it was like actually it's not like surprise but then as i said yeah it's the piss piss that gives it the flavor

from their videos

maybe i'm gonna swap actually so then it's all perfect you want a key lime pie flavor cannoli yeah or honeycomb because i had one of them the other day and it's beautiful i could feel it was sticking to my teeth i could barely open my jaw i thought this is great for just a slab of honey honeycomb in the cannoli in the cannoli yeah okay i'll go for that yeah i'm gonna go for that a honeycomb cannoli i feel like i'm on some kind of quiz show yeah i'm gonna i've changed my mind i'll lock it in lock it it's locked in lock it in lock your jaw with the honeycomb yeah yeah tarrant was the king of that lock it in are you sure okay you're looking at him fine just so he played it so he played a blinder every time that's a long time ago wasn't it very long time ago but like i was thinking about it the other day and thinking like he was always good on it and i think it's because it was so big but he never got another gig while it was on that's true

tarrant on tv put some respect while it was on yeah that must have been at the same time tarrant on tv it's funny i've never seen that it was it was clips of wacky shows from around the world.

I haven't seen that one, but I can look on YouTube after I've watched Cinderella.

Read your menu back to you now.

Okay, thank you.

See how you feel about it.

Okay.

You're barking water.

Yeah.

You would like poplars of bread.

You want the anchovies on toast.

Yeah.

And then starter, you want anchovies on toast again?

Yeah.

Both times from Copenhagen.

Yeah.

Main course, the pasta platter, Putanesca,

with your Bigatone Penne mashup.

and patchy pepe with spaghetti.

Side dish, truffle and mushroom avancini.

Do you feel that we didn't speak enough about it?

We didn't, but it's a good choice.

Your drink, a Shirley Temple, and dessert, a honeycomb cannoli.

That is great.

That is good.

And you've kept the cuisine consistent throughout.

And I'm really pleased about that, really.

Yeah.

But I would have an English breakfast after.

So once I've had the entire

tea.

Yeah, once I've had the entire.

Honestly, for a second, I thought you meant you're going to have a full English

after all of that.

She wasn't lying about her appetite.

Can't have all that Italian food.

Yeah.

let's get this foreblight

a full english

no then i'd have a cuppa at the end yeah lovely that's round

cup of tea at the end

and then bed is it bed after the meal that would be honest that would be a really lovely evening straight to bed after that full italian meal i love an early night yeah trudy i am in bed at eight o'clock are you yeah yeah yeah wow what time's mini dooley get into bed eight o'clock so the pair of us will get into bed

you put in a bed you go to bed yeah we sleep in my beds because Kev's always on tour.

Do you know what I mean?

My boyfriend is on tour.

He's doing Chicago at the minute.

So he's like away for months and months and months.

So I just think, oh, just hang out with Minnie.

May as well go to bed.

Get a bath, blah, blah, blah.

Get a pajamas.

Plus, Kev's up till three.

I'm trying to work out what treat to buy you next.

Correct.

He's terrified of traveling the world.

Can't get him with a giant toddler on the

total round out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're in bed at eight, yeah.

Has he brought you back anything fun from his travels?

Well, it's a national tour.

So what's he brought me back?

Not really.

Oh, dear, Kev.

Oh, no, he's really letting me down there.

He's really letting me down there, hasn't he?

Yes, Kev, please.

You've got to pull your socks up.

You've got to try harder.

Yeah.

Make an effort.

He knows your dream menu now.

He knows my dream menu.

But if he doesn't make you that, he's not going to be aware of that.

He's in Chicago.

Every night he has to hear about wives killing their husbands.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's just trying to keep Roxy alive.

Yeah.

Take it as a warning, Kev.

He's just singing Razzle Dazzle every night.

There'll be another person in the cell block tango soon.

Stacey's singing about.

He didn't buy me a treat.

He didn't buy me a treat.

I hope he didn't buy you a treat.

There just wasn't enough fuss out of my way.

I would work in that song as well.

Fussy.

Fuss, fuss, fuss.

That would be good.

Fuss, fuss, fuss.

Fussy, fuss.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant, Stacey.

Thanks for having me.

Thank you, Stacy.

There we are, James.

What a fun chat with Stacey.

Well, I hope Kev's been listening and taking notes.

Fuzz, fuss, fuss.

The three Fs.

Three F's.

Fantastic.

Don't forget that Dear Minnie is out now, Stacey's brand new book.

Do go and get yourself a copy of that.

And thank you, Stacey, for not saying Minnie Cheddars.

We didn't have to kick anyone out of that dream restaurant.

No, we did not, even though myself and Benito are both Chedheads.

You're both Chedheads, but it's not very Italian Minnie Cheddars.

No.

No?

I mean, it Cheddar.

Huh?

Aminicheda.

Yeah, good.

Thank you very much for listening.

We'll be back next week with another off-menu podcast.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

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Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7 p.m.

at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.