Ep 291: Julian Clary (Live in London)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Tired of spills and stains on your sofa?

Washable sofas.com has your back, featuring the Anibay Collection, the only designer sofa that's machine washable inside and out, where designer quality meets budget-friendly prices.

That's right, sofas started just $699.

Enjoy a no-risk experience with pet-friendly, stain-resistant, and changeable slip covers made with performance fabrics.

Experience cloud-like comfort with high-resilience foam that's hypoallergenic and never needs fluffing.

The sturdy steel frame ensures longevity, and the modular pieces can be rearranged anytime.

Check out washablesofas.com and get up to 60% off your Anabay sofa, backed by a 30-day satisfaction guarantee.

If you're not absolutely in love, send it back for a full refund.

No return shipping or restocking fees, every penny back.

Upgrade now at sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

It's a nut.

Oh, okay, just go ahead and do it, man.

I'm getting ready.

Go on.

Get ready.

Do it.

Just go straight in.

It's a ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

I can't do it as well as you.

I'll let you do that one.

It's a live episode of Off Menu from the London Palladium.

Recorded 21st of March, 2025.

Very excited.

Yeah.

Because our special guest is the wonderful Julian Clary, a true national treas.

A wonderful night.

We're honored to be on Julian's turf, really.

The palladium performs there a lot, just the panto there.

We're very honored to share the stage with Julian.

Now, obviously, it's another one of the shows, the live shows, where there'd already been the first half.

We'd talk to the audience a bit.

So maybe we'll back reference some stuff.

It won't make total sense, but it'll still be a laugh.

It'll still be a laugh.

It mainly makes sense.

I would say that my intro at the top of the live shows does relate to a menu of the audience members in the first half.

So if you're like, Ed's lost his mind.

Yeah.

I haven't.

In context, that is actually great.

The audience also helped us choose a secret ingredient for Julian as well.

And if Julian says the secret ingredient, as in if he includes it in his menu, we would have kicked him out of the palladium.

Yes.

Could you believe that?

You can't kick Julian out of the panel.

You can't do that.

You can't do it.

Mint

Terry's chocolate orange.

Yes.

I didn't even know there was a mint version.

Yeah, they're not popular, I don't think.

And it was a popular secret ingredient choice in the room.

I think it was a good one to go with.

Will Julian say mint, Terry's chocolate, orange?

Hopefully not.

But Julian is on tour now with a fistful of Clary, including a date at the London Palladium on the 17th of May.

So for tickets, go to julianclary.co.uk.

Well, let's get on with it.

This is the off-menu menu of Julian Clary live at the Palladium.

Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking the soft serve ice cream of conversation,

adding the tongue of a dying Nath.

who you hate of humour

sort of no other elements to that really are there no you really went in all in with the with the details

it's a it's a dying nan soft sada ice cream at McDonald's podcast

That is their gamble.

My name is James A.

Cather.

Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week our guest is Julian Clary.

You all know Julian Clary.

You love Julian Clary.

He's absolutely fantastic.

A national treasure, James.

A national trege and you all know the secret ingredient, the opposite of a national treasure.

Yes.

So keep that in your head.

And if it comes up, I mean...

We haven't had to do this in a live episode, but we're going to kick Julian Clary out the player.

We've got a lot of probably face to face, have we?

Only once on a Zoom episode.

Yes, so you know, we'll see what happens if it happens.

Yes.

Fingers crossed, it won't.

I mean, Julian is at the palladium so often, I think we would be the ones who have to leave.

And rightfully so.

He's out like Fred Flintstone.

Yes.

You know?

Yeah, I know.

When they're.

I know.

It's them who don't know, mate.

They're the ones not backing up.

They don't know.

They don't know Alex Mack.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

This is the off-menu menu of Julian Clary.

What a thrill, thank you.

It's a thrill for us, Julian.

You look fantastic.

A lovely outfit.

What a lovely outfit.

Yes, well, it wouldn't do for us all to be the same, would it?

Just goes to show we do allow the occasional heterosexual into this building.

you never know when you've got a wardrobe that needs shifting

this is a real buzz for me I come to see the Panto every year Julian so to be to be on stage with you is fantastic oh how lovely thank you yes it's a buzz for me as well

I don't know who's who are you James

And your

I'm I'm Ed.

Ed

Ed, yes.

I've interviewed you before, Julian, for the Taskmaster podcast, but don't worry about that.

No, we did speak, didn't we?

We had a cheery chat.

And when I knew I was coming on this, I listened to an episode, but you can't, when you're just listening, you can't tell you a part.

Yeah, it's quite difficult.

One of you's got a slightly wearing laugh.

Hey, hey, hey!

Yeah,

that's me.

It's sort of jabbing at you, isn't

Nice to know everyone agrees.

Anyway, I'm here now.

There it is.

Didn't do that on purpose?

No, it was completely natural.

James, we should stop properly as well.

Oh, sorry.

The Genie could get in position.

Apologies.

Yes, if you would like to rub the lamp, Julian, we would love that.

Certainly.

Is this a highlight?

Come on out.

Oh.

Welcome, Julian Clairey, to the dream restaurant.

We'll be putting you for some time.

Lovely, George.

Thank you.

Now, can I just say before we start, it's a sort of pre-warning, I had to go to an osteopath yesterday.

Yes.

And we didn't get on very well.

He asked questions like, have you ever had a sports injury?

Never been so insulted in my life.

I'm a renowned homosexual, but

there is

an issue with my back.

And what he said, this is all true.

He said, What you mustn't do is just sit still for a long time.

And he's given me this exercise: I have to tilt my hips forward and backwards quite often when deciding.

So, if you see

Ed

or James,

if you see me silently thrusting into the air,

that is why it's not some sort of auto-erotic experience

on osteopaths' urges.

So I wanted to get that out of the way, and now I'm ready for your exciting questions.

I mean, in between every course we discuss, feel free if you want to stand up and move around and do some exercises.

You're very good.

Well, he didn't say I need to.

It's just that.

Just that.

We could all do it if you like.

It's good for everyone.

No, I'm not doing it anymore like that.

No.

Top marks for you.

And if you're just listening, he was talking to me, Ed.

And you're here too.

I'm fucking steamy

fried to a crisp over it

are you a foodie Julian would you consider yourself a foodie

well you know I do I do eat obviously

I can't I'm not I can't cook I don't think it's a good investment of my time.

So my husband and I, we just sort of eat stuff

that doesn't take long to prepare.

But we go out sometimes to eat.

So yes, I'm not really a foodie, no,

I'm not a connoisseur.

No, that's fair enough.

You don't have to be a connoisseur on this podcast.

No, we do other things with our time, like ironing our t-shirts.

That's what I get for extending an online branch.

You're going to have to be a connoisseur.

Yeah, yeah, you look like shit.

It's okay,

I deserve it.

I was quite the villain of the first half, so we always start with still a sparkling water, Julian.

Do you have a preference?

Well, I don't really, because I don't drink much water when I'm out.

I read somewhere that it's not good for your digestive juices because you, if you, no, it's true, if you dilute too much, they can't do their job.

So to be polite, I would say still water, but I wouldn't actually drink it much.

Is that that popular?

Popular choice.

They're easily pleased, aren't they?

Where did you read that water's bad for your digestive juices?

Somewhere on because I suffer with acid reflux,

and I was reading about things to avoid the you know sudden retching.

I don't know why I'm looking at you when I said that,

James.

But no,

yeah, just for the listeners,

James, James again,

Ed.

James.

One syllable.

Joseph.

James.

What?

I'd go with the one syllable.

That means you're not thinking of me as James in your head.

I'm having trouble hearing him.

Yes, because he's from Northamptonshire.

I've been...

Did Panto there?

Yeah.

Eight long weeks, yes.

God bless you.

Derngate?

Sorry?

Derngate is a two-syllable word.

Yes.

Derngate.

It's Derngate and Royal, isn't it?

Yes, I was at the Derngate.

Yes, happy days.

Start the car.

So, yes, I did read that

too much water doesn't help your digestive juices if you suffer with acid reflux.

No, never heard that before.

No, it's never come up on the podcast before.

And we've done nearly 300 episodes.

I know, and somehow all 300 have passed me by.

Can't understand it.

I feel like a mouse who keeps going for the same piece of cheese.

John the mouse, John the Mouse, yeah, pop a dumb zoo bread, pop dumbs or bread, Julie Clary, pop a dumb zoo bread.

Is that popped on zoom bread?

Very well done, yes.

Yes, I think

it's quite wired, aren't you?

Yeah.

Had a little livener in the interval.

I can't leave.

I like both, but I think bread, and I think, I quite like all those breads, you know, you can get with pecan nuts in, and is it called artisan bread?

Yes.

Yes,

for me it's more about the butter than the bread.

It is.

And I was once at a very posh dinner party with

posh people

from the fashion world.

I mean and it was very just so, everything, you know, the right knife and fork and all that.

And the final course was cheese and there was this lovely cheese.

And I said to the host, I said, I'm really enjoying this soft buttery cheese.

He said, that's the butter.

And I've made a show of myself, Ed.

How much of the butter did you get through before?

Most of it.

Because, you know, it wasn't in a dish or in a wrapper, wasn't that sort of, but it was on the same wooden thing as the cheese on the side.

And somehow you're supposed to know the difference.

They're all more or less the same colour, aren't they?

Are people from the fashion world eating cheese, or do they just sort of look at it?

Probably they just looked at it.

and you ate all the butter.

I respect that Julian.

So for your bread course would you like to eat the butter on its own as well?

No I mean I like I spread it quite thickly.

I'm talking in code.

I'm quite generous with it.

But there would be a cracker involved.

We could have you ejaculated.

So

there's a cracker involved.

Yeah, with the with the butter.

I wouldn't do that there.

Popping off all over the place.

Oh dear.

Well it's been lovely.

Your dream starter, Julian.

Yes.

I have a choice of two, is that all right?

Yes, let's hear both of them.

We can try try and narrow you down on it.

Well, the first one, I used to live in the same village in Kent as Paul O'Grady, and he used to invite me over for dinner, and I went over one

making up their own jokes now.

I think it's because you're quite cacacially rubbing the inside of your thigh.

Yeah.

I didn't even know I was doing that.

Sort of self-comfort, I think.

Yeah.

That's not something the osteopath told you to do.

So I went round to Halloween it was and

there was a selection of people his manager and my husband and Paul's sister Vera.

Anyway, he served us pumpkin soup and the next thing I knew I woke up in a field.

surrounded by sheep

and that soup was enhanced.

Something I put in, he denied it, you know, the next day because I had no memory of the entire evening.

But something was put in that soup, and it was very moorish.

So, that's one choice.

Yes, the laced soup.

The laced soup.

Yes.

Enhanced pumpkin soup.

Yes.

The other choice is: have you heard of a cheese called Du de Montagne?

No.

Well, I hadn't until about.

I think it's a spike leaf film.

You said,

have you heard of a cheese called Dou de Mantin?

And I said, I think that's a Spike Lee film.

Because there's a Spike Lee film called Do the Right Thing.

It didn't.

As I was saying it, I was like, you can't even hear you, Jeff.

Why are you going for a pun that barely works?

Yes.

That also requires knowledge knowledge of Spike Lee's filmography.

Well, it was worth a try.

You know.

These things, it can be edited out.

It won't be.

Not now.

Dude de Montagna.

Yes.

Couple of years ago I was...

I was invited to play the part of Herod in the Jesus Christ Superstar musical.

It's a great part, Herod, you're only on stage for three minutes and 20 seconds.

Although from the back of the stalls some people thought I was Imelda Staunton.

But there's a lot of sitting around in your dressing room wiping down surfaces, you know, waiting for your three minutes.

And

My hobby when I was on tour was to go round wherever I found myself to Marks and Spencer's.

Because you know, they're different in each town or city.

And I was in Manchester, we were in Manchester, and I was in Marks and Spencer's collecting my bits and bobs, vegetarian lasagna, pop-tarts for afters.

I don't care who knows it.

And

I made my way to the till and I don't, this will surprise you, I don't go for the shortest cue.

I go for the most interesting looking woman on the till.

and I found this marvelous looking woman with dirty fingernails and tattoos up her neck.

I thought oh yes

she'll be good to chat to and the man in front of me in the queue was very elderly probably in his 90s.

I mean it's Manchester so you can't really tell

he was quite dodgery and he was getting his bits and bobs out and I thought shall I offer help?

I thought, no.

It'll give him a sense of achievement.

Anyway, he did what he had to do, took a while, and they put it into his little string bag and tottered off.

And then it was my turn, and I was so busy talking to this woman who was telling me how she'd slashed her husband with a Stanley knife.

And you fucking deserved it.

Speak to me like that, you bastard.

And I wasn't really paying much attention.

Now, I put my items into my Louis Vuitton shopping bag.

And I got back to my digs, put them on the draining board.

What do you think?

There was an item there that I hadn't paid for.

This old boy had left this Due de Montagne cheese behind.

And I'd put it in with my shopping.

I felt terrible.

But I wolfed that cheese down

in one sitting, and it was delicious.

So to get to the point,

you could deep-fry Du de Montagne cheese.

So that's my other alternative.

Amazing.

Would you like that cheese in the dream menu to have been stolen from a 90-year-old man?

No, that's just how I discovered it.

I mean, God bless him.

If he hadn't...

left it behind, I would never have discovered.

It's lovely.

It's got a sort of nutty flavor.

creamy and nutty.

It slips down, James.

You'll thank me for that.

You try it.

But have you had it deep-fried before?

Did you deep-fry it the first time you had it?

No, I've never had it deep-fried.

But you're just imagining.

That's how I might enhance it.

Because you do that in restaurants.

They deep-fry cheese.

I think they cover it in breadcrumbs or something.

And you get a little, what is it you have with cheese, sort of fruity compot?

A coolie?

Security.

I don't know.

I'm paralyzed here.

A chutney?

A chutney sort of thing?

Oh, it's my, oh, just in a can.

Wait, could you open that for me?

Times I've said that.

Yes, that's open.

Is it?

How did you drink it then?

It's already open.

There's a little bit there.

It does not surprise me Julian Clarity.

That's the opening there.

That Julian Clary has never drunk anything from a can before.

I've had those bottles with a sort of nipple.

Yeah.

So which which which are you thinking of going

for?

You've got the enhanced pumpkin soup.

Yeah.

You've got the deep-fried Dou de Montagne.

Well, the trouble is, if you have that soup, you never get on to anything else.

Yeah.

sort of game over.

Yeah,

as I recall.

So, um, I'd go for the old man's cheese.

You know how everything's a subscription now?

Music, movies, even socks.

I swear of it.

To continue this ad, please upgrade to premium plus platinum.

Uh, what?

No.

Anyway, blue apron.

This is a pay-per-listen ad.

Please confirm your billing.

Oh, that's annoying.

At least with the new blue apron, there's no subscription needed.

Get delicious meals delivered without the weekly plan.

Wait, no subscription?

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRIN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com slash terms for more.

Ever wonder why you have insurance for your car or home, but not your digital life?

Meet Webroot Total Protection, your digital bodyguard that is built for real life.

Webroot takes the guessing game out of cybersecurity so you can confidently browse, bank, and be yourself online without the worry of hackers lurking around the corner.

With Webroot Total Protection, you get antivirus that scans six times faster and takes up 33 times less space than the other guys.

Identity protection with up to $1 million in fraud expense reimbursement and 24-7 U.S.-based customer support.

VPN protection that hides your IP address, personal data, and location from hackers.

And cloud backup with unlimited storage that works automatically in the background.

With plans for individuals and families, Webroot makes it easy to live a better digital life.

Go to webroot.com forward slash promo and get 50% off today.

That's webroot.com slash promo to get 50% off today.

Live a better digital life with Webroot because peace of mind shouldn't be optional.

Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be home!

Winner, best score!

We the man to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We the man to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Your dream main course, Julia.

All right, yes.

It's a sort of stew made with fish.

I have an aversion to meaty stew because of a childhood trauma.

When I grew up in Teddington with my two sisters, my father was a policeman and my mother was a probation officer.

And

they had a lot of heated discussions about politics and things.

Anyway, they had one of their discussions and they weren't getting on well.

And my mother made a stew.

And it was a really hot day, I remember.

None of us really wanted to eat it.

And we sort of pushed it around our plates and left it.

And she was furious.

And so she got up and she got everyone's plate and she scraped all the stew onto one plate and my father was sitting at the head of the table with this open-neck shirt on and as she passed him she scraped it all inside his shirt

I thought good for her

and we were so it was such a shock I mean she didn't plan to do it I've discussed it with her since She's never done it since, but it was heat of the moment and she said it was very satisfying.

And I was about six, my sister was eight and ten, and they burst into tears and my mother and I laughed.

So I can't really look at a meat stew, but

there is a sort of fish stew.

James is vibrating.

It's sort of southern Indian, I think.

Quite coconutty and it's delicious.

Where have you had this fish stew before?

There's a restaurant called Namaste in Parkway in Camden Town.

Have people heard of this restaurant?

Someone went, yeah.

Have they had the fish stew?

Have you had the fish stew?

No.

They've missed out.

No.

Anyway, that's my answer to that.

I sort of want to ask more questions about when your mum scraped the stew down your dad's shirt, but

I don't know if I should.

julian

have you ever met anyone and thought

present company excluded

that you would like to scrape a stew down their shirt

i am quite like my mother i do do impulsive and unkind things

sometimes

and I've got the same sense of humour as my mother.

It's quite sort of withering and we do require a victim.

Be it, you know, I used to work with a little dog who not, she wasn't a victim, but

the butt of the jokes, or a pianist, or somebody.

Yeah.

So, um,

what was the question?

How do you choose your victim?

If, say, you're being interviewed by two people, what's the instinct that draws you to one person or another, victim-wise?

I don't know.

I mean, I'd probably go on the weaker bone structure.

But

I mean, you mustn't take that personally because...

Yeah, don't take a bonus.

How could I?

When you interviewed me on the Taskmaster thing.

Yes.

Which you remember.

Which I remember.

But you were there with your lovely bone structure then.

Thank you.

And I was quite rude to you, wasn't I?

Yes, very rude to you.

So that's just how it happens.

Just one of the requisites.

What lovely teeth you have.

Thank you.

I'm just going to

have a little suck through the slot.

I used to have much better.

If you saw me pre-pandemic, I looked good.

I lost it all during the pandemic.

You look great now, James.

Weak, weak bones.

Oh, just weaker.

The mine, I think, is the...

I feel bad now.

There's no reason why you couldn't get tattoos as well.

Up my neck, cut my husband with a Stanley knife.

Dream side dish, Julian.

Ah, there's something called ladies' fingers, isn't there?

Yep.

Yes.

Which

I'd like the sound of it.

I think it's potato, is it?

It's okra, I believe.

Oh, is it?

Okay, right.

So

they can get quite slimy, is my only complaint about ladies' fingers.

Feels slightly nauseous.

And what is okra?

Vegetable.

Vegetable, yeah.

Okra, okay.

And rice, of course, you'd have.

Yeah, it'd be very nice with the fish stew, wouldn't it?

A bit of rice.

What kind of fish is in the fish stew?

Indian.

Indian fish.

I think they have fish that we've never heard of.

Like

jack-off fish or or something jack-off fish something like that

you seem to be inventing words that you can turn into innuendos

is that legal are you allowed to do that it's a gift

ken I'd say every year I come to the Panto I think your innuendos get more and more close to the bone do you what yeah it's fantastic We came to see it last year.

You made not even an innuendo, just a joke about poppers.

What's that?

I think you made an amyl nitrate joke.

Did I?

You did something like that.

It was very full-on, and I'll be honest, I laughed very loudly, and you turned to me in the audience and said, thank you for laughing.

Yes, well, there aren't many.

There's no children come, really.

So it's not, you don't have to worry about that.

And they wouldn't know what amyl nitrate was, would they, anyway?

Is there anything that, I don't know how involved you are with the script writing of the Panto every every year?

Is there anything that you've tried to get into the script that even they've gone, no, you can't do that, should you?

Yes.

I think it was, there's, was it, Dick Whittington said on a boat, there's something on a boat.

Yes, no, no, does he?

I can't remember.

He's walking, any?

I can't remember one year from the next, but there was one year, there was a boat scene, and I wanted to make a joke about seamen on the deck or something.

And after the dress rehearsal, the producers came and said no.

But they got it in the next year anyway.

Well, no, I got it in when I was cast as Seaman Smee.

I mean, please.

So I write my own scripts.

And so I had, every time Jack came on, he said, Seaman Smee, and I said, not just now, thank you.

So great.

The one that I remember was, I think the first time I came to see it,

you were talking about a circus and said that the human cannonball shot all over the ringmaster's back, which.

I don't think I said all over.

I'm not a pro.

I'm not a pro.

I used to be the human cannonball.

I used to shoot over the ringmaster's back.

There you go.

You seem to get a bigger laugh than me.

They saw where it was going, I think, by the time you did it.

You came to speak?

Is it another filmic reference?

So side dish.

You're thinking maybe rice?

Yes.

Maybe...

Ladies' fingers.

Ladies' fingers.

Any other options?

Some mango chutney, probably.

Do you have that with fish?

I don't know if you do.

You could do, it's your dream meal if you think it would taste good.

I would be advised by the waiter, I expect.

What would go with the

that's me, though?

You're the waiter.

Yeah.

So, would you trust me if I advised you like what side dish to have?

Yes, I don't not trust you.

Oh, good.

How would you feel if you walked into a restaurant and James was the waiter?

I'd give him a big tip.

Thank you.

We appreciate the eye contact.

Thank you.

You haven't asked about any alcoholic refreshments.

Does that come later?

Well, we normally ask drink next, but would you like different drinks with every course?

Well, I'd like an aperitif.

Of course, what would you like for your aperitif?

It'd be a vodka martini.

Lovely.

But it would have to be made by Nigel Havers.

Because when we're here doing the panto every year, Nigel's also in it for reasons no one quite understands.

And

he is in dressing room five, I think.

But every year, bless him, he brings his own little mini freezer in to keep the vodka.

And the key is you put the the martini glasses in the freezer as well.

And anyway, he makes the most amazing vodka martini, which after the second show, he brings me to my room with a couple of cheese straws in the top pocket of his perfectly pressed shirt.

Do you like it dirty?

I've got a semi.

Yes.

We just completely abandoned innuendo.

My penis is semi-erect.

No,

I do like, he doesn't do a dirty martini,

but it's with a twist.

But I have had it dirty and it's slipped down a treat.

So for your dream meal, when you arrive for the Aperitif,

you would like Nigel Havers's.

Yeah, no, because I understand I can have anything I want in this sort of fantasy world of yours.

And so yes, I'd like Nigel Havers there.

Do you want him there for the whole meal?

Oh, no.

He can serve.

No, you don't want to talk to him or anything.

He can just

bring the martini and then walk away backwards.

Havers is clearly...

Is he the victim of the Pantocast?

No, he is.

Yes,

that's how it works.

I'm going to end up in a support group of Havers.

Me, Havers, a pianist and a dog.

No,

you could be the next Nigel Havers.

Play your cards right.

So any other drinks?

If you've got the pair of teeth, do you want other drinks throughout the meal?

Yeah, probably

some wine.

Yeah.

I don't know anything about wine really.

I like it when it doesn't taste of anything much.

So I put lots of ice in it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like Sauvignon Blanc.

And I like a nice pale colour.

I don't like it when it looks like a urine sample, like Chardonnay, you know, like a nice pale one.

How much ice are you putting into a glass of wine?

Depends on the size of the glass.

But one large piece of ice, yeah.

So we're going for a very pale white wine, a huge bit of ice in it, so you can't taste the wine at all.

So you're just necking it.

You're just, it's the effect rather than the taste.

No, I'm not necking it.

No, but I'd sip sip it, you know, throughout.

Very nice.

So is that your dream drink?

Is a glass of white wine with a big ice cube in it?

Haven't we just been through this?

I mean, Julian's got a point there, James.

Yeah, I know.

I'm just painfully aware that, you know, this is a live episode and

currently we've done 35 minutes and there's one course left.

Well, we've not asked Julian about the setting of the restaurant yet.

Where does he want to be?

What do you want the restaurant to look like, Julian?

Really?

Yeah.

I hadn't thought about any of this.

I don't like restaurants where you're too close to the table next to you.

I was once in, I think it's still there, Lescargo in Soho with my mother, and

there was a...

quite a young woman and quite an old man on the table next to us and it became apparent um did someone just whoop that?

Yeah, someone whooped a young woman and an old man, they were like

whoop indeed.

But they had clearly been having an affair and she was

saying she'd had enough and the relationship would come to a natural close and this man started crying

and we were gripped, you know.

We couldn't have our own conversation because we were too worried about them.

But preferably I'd like to be away from from other people

and lighting suitable for the over 60s

what's unsuitable lighting for the over 60s too harsh too bright yeah too neon

yeah

I don't really like music playing and what were you playing in the interval that awful

yes

that's Benito

Benito made that playlist all the songs have something to do with food and the first tour date we had, he went, come up to us and went, have you noticed the songs?

You notice any link between them?

And we had to be like, oh, their food base.

He was like,

Benito, is he the tour manager?

He's the producer of the podcast.

The little funny man.

Now which one is the little funny man?

There's multiple little funny men who work.

Can you describe what they look like?

Well, one little funny man man met me outside when I got out of the car.

It's probably Paul.

That might be Paul, who's our tour manager and my tour manager when I go on tour.

Oh, you go on tour?

I go on tour.

Oh, no.

James, I don't like it.

I'm in the crosshouse.

Suddenly, my cheekbones are feeling erased sharp.

Noah, what's your tour called?

I've just finished a tour called Hot Diggity Dog.

Oh, one of my favourites.

See I've just finished a UK tour of that.

Tell Julian about the controversy surrounding your poster.

Oh no.

I put some posters on the tube.

Well I didn't.

I paid some other people to do it.

And the poster was me eating a hot dog

and TFL wouldn't put the posters up.

They banned them because it said that I was promoting junk food.

So we changed the photos, we photoshopped photoshopped them and replaced the hot dog with a cucumber and they put them up.

While retaining the, for those who want it, sexual innuendo,

of something phallic in your mouth.

Happy days.

What's my turquo called?

A fist full of clary.

I wasn't banned.

Lovely.

Yeah, so you met Paul outside, and then Benito is

the other one.

Yeah.

Hasn't seen daylight for a while.

Benito.

So exotic.

Do you go on tour?

Yeah, sometimes.

Yeah, I go on tour sometimes.

Does this worry?

Very good tours.

Stand-up comedy shows.

Comedy.

Yeah.

As soon as I volunteered that information, I was like, why did I do that?

Why did I throw that out there?

Absolutely loving it.

Well, that filled five minutes, didn't it?

Ever wonder why you have insurance for your car or home, but not your digital life?

Meet Webroot Total Protection, your digital bodyguard that is built for real life.

Webroot takes the guessing game out of cybersecurity so you can confidently browse, bank, and be yourself online without the worry of hackers lurking around the corner.

With WebRoot Total Protection, you get antivirus that scans six times faster and takes up 33 times less space than the other guys.

Identity protection with up to $1 million in fraud expense reimbursement and 24-7 U.S.-based customer support.

VPN protection that hides your IP address, personal data, and location from hackers.

And cloud backup with unlimited storage that works automatically in the background.

With plans for individuals and families, Webroot makes it easy to live a better digital life.

Go to webroot.com forward slash promo and get 50% off today.

That's webroot.com slash promo.

To get 50% off today, live a better digital life with Webroot because peace of mind shouldn't be optional.

It should be pointed out as well when Julian arrived today and we met Julian for the first time,

your first words to us were, so this is about 45 minutes.

Is that correct?

And we were like, No?

Like an hour.

You were like, hmm.

How long is it edited down to?

About, well, it's normally edited down to an hour, but this one we're just gonna have to play two of the bits twice.

This will be the first episode that gets edited up.

Well,

I could pad it out with one of my lovely songs.

This is the other thing Julian asked us.

Julian says, and then at the end, do we do a finale?

I'm used to, normally this building is full of, you know, ensemble, chorus,

dancers, and all of that, and the feathers and the sequins.

And so I'm used to sort of finishing things off, as it were.

Well, what do you normally do?

You just say, here, I'm going down the pub.

Yeah, we do.

We, We finish the episode, so we'd do dessert, and then James would read the menu back to you, and then we'd sort of get everyone to clap, and we'll do a photo at the front of the stage, and that normally seems fine, but now I feel like we'd need to do something else.

Ah, I've got a lovely song called Sometimes Life's a Cunt.

Written for me by that well-known family entertainer, Gary Wilmot.

You didn't bring a backing track with you, I didn't bring my backing track, no.

Can you do it, a cappella?

Oh.

When I'm in my favourite restaurant or local.

Oh, that's another song.

Well, that one seems more appropriate for the show, to me.

That seems to be the perfect song.

When I'm in my favorite restaurant or local greasy spoon, or perhaps I take a takeaway back home.

Well, that's all I can remember.

When I'm in my local restaurant, or perhaps perhaps a greasy spoon or perhaps I take a takeaway back home

I find every

I can't remember was this was that the cunt one or is that a different one it's the cunt one I think

it help because there's another song called I Love a Knob

And the two get mixed up in my mind.

Do you remember how any of I Love a Knob goes?

No.

no

okay

i mean i don't feel bad saying this because of everything you've said to me but i feel like we're visiting you in the home

there was what about a knob

i don't remember it now

i don't

When I'm in my favorite restaurant

or local greasy spoon or perhaps perhaps I take a takeaway back home I find every meal I eat well it's simply incomplete without a knob a tasty knob of butter that's my treat I love a knob

I love a knob in my baguette sometimes a knob

Fantastic.

What a song.

What a song.

Amazing.

And that, you know,

you love butter.

We've already talked about that.

Yeah, there you are.

It's all coming together.

It's all coming together.

That's absolutely perfect.

Thank you, Julie.

Your dream desserts, Julie.

Oh, yes.

Pavlova?

Is that acceptable?

Yeah.

Yes, with all those nice bits of meringue and fruit.

And have you ever had a dragon fruit?

I don't think I've ever actually eaten a dragon fruit, you know.

Very nice.

I would specify that I want dragon fruit on it because it's lovely.

I feel with dragon fruit that it looks so impressive that it can't possibly taste nice as well.

Have you heard that before?

That's the spirit.

Well, they come, there's white or there's pink.

And

they both taste more or less exactly the same.

But it's just very, very aesthetically pleasing.

How often are you having dragon fruit, would you say?

Often as I can.

Yeah, they sell them in the health food shops, but they don't always have them in.

So sometimes you have to make do with.

What are those little red things?

Pomegranates.

Pomegranates.

Yeah.

Do you want those on the Pavlova as well?

Yes, I'm going crazy.

Do you make Pavlova at home?

No.

I think you have to beat up egg whites and then put it in the oven.

Do you do cooking?

Now and again yeah I do cooking.

Do you do cooking?

Not really.

No.

Even less Ed does a lot.

I'm not

really.

47.58.

You whisk it up.

No I don't do it myself.

Is there somewhere where you've had the best pavlova that you would like to have for your dream meal?

You go, I want to go back there and have the best pavlova I've ever had.

My mother used to make a nice pavlova but of course

she'd be a stranger to a dragon fruit.

There was no such thing in the 70s when I was growing up.

Yeah.

Well there was such a thing but you'd have to go to dragon fruit country to find it.

Ward or

big tinned peaches in my day.

But no,

homemade pavlova by my mother in this fantasy restaurant that I just can't wait to visit.

At the end of the meal, would you like your mother to tip the remainder of the pavlova down your dad's shirt?

It'd be lovely.

So you've done 300 of these.

How many homosexuals have you had on?

Did you know I'm gay?

I mean, we've got time to probably figure out.

Benito, will you just quickly go to iTunes and work out how many homosexuals we've had on the podcast?

How many, what would you guess we've had?

There's this little sweepstake before we find out the answer.

Three.

Three.

Have you had Claire Balding on?

No.

Not Claire Balding.

Keep going.

We've not had Balding.

Any others?

Claire Sweeney?

Claire Sweeney.

No.

Christopher Biggins.

Thank you for doing them in alphabetical order as well, Jimmy.

So you only know three of us.

Claire Balding isn't...

No, Claire Sweeney isn't a lesbian.

Oh, so that was a test and we failed.

Spot the lesbian.

Spot the lesbian doesn't work if you whoop yourself.

You ruin the game.

Where are your shoes from?

Oh, no.

They're Nike shoes.

Are they?

Yeah,

they're Freddy Krupp.

They're Freddie.

Oh, fuck.

Julian's just noticed my shoes and done a double take.

Like,

I may as well have been wearing two shits on my feet the way that Julian just absolutely horrified when he saw my shoes a couple of Cornish pastas down here

I was about to completely save your bacon as well and let Julian know these are Freddy Kruger themed Air Max Nike Air Max yeah

but Julian's trainers are more similar to yours yes so I couldn't see that really And I was sitting here going, please, please don't look over here.

It was too late.

You've had some wear out of them.

Yeah, yeah.

A little bit of wear.

Benito's genuinely counted, by the way.

He says, I think, 30.

It feels like more than that, though.

So one in 10.

Is that right?

It's not even the actual stats.

That's bad.

Is that good?

Is that good?

He's put

there.

He wants you to say if that's good, that we've had 30 out of 300 have been gay.

Who's asking this?

Benito, the one who said doesn't look like he's seen sunlight in a while.

Yeah, tell Benito it's very good.

You sound very well

on the gay front.

Who was your favourite homosexual out of those

30.

Present company accepted or excluded?

No, you can accept me.

Oh, you, 100%.

Well, of course.

Yeah.

Of course, you, Julian.

But.

uh.

Yes.

Of the others.

Yeah.

A fly has just landed on you.

Have you had Miriam Margolis?

Julian, there's a fly on your shoulder.

Is there?

There's a fly on your shoulder.

It's just landed on you.

There it goes.

It's gone over.

It's got sliced in half by Ed's jawline.

Yes, Miriam Margolis.

We've had Miriam Margolis.

She was great.

Did the conversation run dry with Miriam?

Rylan,

that's that person.

I believe we've genuinely got to the stage where you're shouting out the favourite gay guests on our family.

This is good.

I feel proud of this moment, Ed.

I feel proud that we're in...

Huh?

Anthony Perovsky, yeah, we had on some queer eye, of course.

Sue Perkins, of course.

Oh, now you're talking.

We've got six more minutes, so if you can.

Tom Allen, of course.

We've had Tom Allen on.

Rosie Jones.

Jess Fostercue.

Jeff Fostercue.

This is the weirdest auction I've ever been to.

This is a great moment.

We'll put this out during Pride Month.

Be nice.

I'm going to lead your menu back to you.

Just so you know, you've obviously got to the end of your menu and avoided the secret ingredient.

Would you like to know what it was?

I heard it all over the tunnel.

But I was never likely to have said that anyway.

I've loved every single second of this, Julian, may I say.

Well, Dorito, or whatever his name was.

I should have come and turned the tanai off.

Dorito should have turned the tanai off, yeah.

Yes.

Dorito neglected his duties once again.

Fucking hell.

The great Dorito.

Oh, my goodness.

Julian.

Yes.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

You were like, still water.

Correct.

Which, looking back, I wish we'd asked more questions about.

It's never too late.

Poplars or bread, you wanted artisan bread with pecans in it with thickly spread butter and a cracker.

Starter,

the old man's deep-fried cheese.

Main course.

Southern Indian fish stew from Namaste in Camden Town.

Seems a lifetime ago, doesn't it?

Side dish.

I guess we didn't really pin one down.

It was either ladies' fingers, lady fingers.

Yeah, Benito, not ladies' fingers, lady fingers.

I think it's ladies' fingers.

It's lady fingers, innit?

I think it'd be lady.

I think it's lady.

Ladies' fingers.

Lady or ladies.

Apologies, Benito.

DeVito, I apologise.

Rice or mango chutney.

Those were the three choices.

I feel like you can have all of those for your dream meal.

Yeah, I think you don't just have to have one.

No, the ladies' fingers?

Yes.

And the rice and the mango chutney.

That sounds absolutely delicious.

You wanted a pair of teeth at the start, Nigel Havers vodka martini with a twist, and he can back out of the room and not stay for the meal.

You want a very pale white wine with one large cube of ice in it as your dream drink.

And desserts, you would like a homemade pavlova by your mother with dragon fruit and pomegranate in it, then tip down your father's shirt.

That sounds good, sounds lovely.

Exactly what I want.

Thank you.

The augmenting menu of Julian Clary,

absolutely fantastic, Julian.

Hey, Julian Clary, everybody.

Thank you so much for coming, everyone.

We'll see you again.

If you're coming again, thank you so much for coming.

Bye-bye.

Thank you so much for money.

There we are.

Oh, wow.

Julian's recovered.

Yeah, James has just recovered from being absolutely obliterated by Julian.

It was over a month ago, and I've just got out of hospital.

But thank you, Julian, all the same for coming on the podcast and for not saying Mint Terry's chocolate orange because you cheated and heard it on the Tannoy.

Yes, because you'd heard it on the Tannoy, of course.

Yes, but thank you so much for coming.

Yeah.

Julia's on tour now with a fistful of Clary, including a date the London Palladium on the 17th of May.

So, for tickets, go to julianclary.co.uk.

He's also, of course, back starring in the London Palladium Panto, Sleeping Beauty from the 6th of December.

For tickets, go to palladiumpantomime.com.

I'll be there.

And a reminder: we're bringing off menu live, the tasting menus, to the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026.

So go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets.

See you in a bit.

Bye.

Bye.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.