Ep 288: Bridget Christie (Tasting Menu)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

Or is it, James?

Or is it?

It's another tasting menu.

Another tasting menu.

Some of you may have heard the first tasting menu format that we did with the wonderful John Kearns.

And now we're back for another bite of the cherry.

Bridget Christie.

Would you say it at the same time?

I wasn't going to say we've got another bite of the cherry, Bridget Christie.

I was going to explain what the format was, just in case.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Explain what the format is, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, we've got a secret special guest.

Surprise.

Yes, it's a big surprise.

And we invite a former guest back into the dream restaurant, but they don't get their dream meal.

They get the dream meal of another former guest.

Yes.

So, you know, we have a fan favorite eating the meal of a fan favorite.

Yes, exactly.

And, guys, this is going to blow your mind.

The special guest having a tasting menu today is Bridget.

Bridget Christie.

Bridget Christie, one of our absolute favorites, James, on the podcast, outside of the podcast, on stage, on screen.

She's amazing.

A legend.

Very excited to have Bridget back.

So many people have come up to me since Bridget's episode and said how much they love that episode.

It's their favorite one.

They re-listened to it.

So very excited that Bridget's coming back in and also very excited that the change is back Bridget sitcom the second series it's all available now to watch on for

channel4.com yeah get yourself to channel4.com all of the episodes are now available for you to watch but I'm guessing a lot of you have probably seen it already hopefully so re-watch them so re-watch them re-watch them and then re-watch them yeah now We do have to give Bridget a tasting menu.

So we've had to pick another guest who's

been on the podcast before and just think of a menu that might you know appeal to bridget or she might have some opinions on yeah i think this time we've gone with a menu that bridget might have some opinions on rather than appeal to her because i think we've picked one of the menus that has absolutely no appeal to anyone apart from the original guest yeah and that original guest is

nick muhammad nick muhammad's menu famously one of the worst menus absolutely disgusting yep and um i'd just like to hear bridget's bridget's take on it what bridget thinks maybe we'll be surprised maybe some of this bridget will actually really like maybe she'll love all of it and be like i think this is delicious actually and you've all been too harsh on nick yes perhaps i'm not sure though uh and also it's just a great opportunity to catch up with bridget isn't it yeah this is what these are good for it's getting guests in and getting to pick their brains again and you know with john we sort of we'd sort of talked about the menus given Yeah, yeah, we definitely did.

But, you know, the backbone of the conversation was other things.

Want to get to know get to know the guest guest even more.

Yeah, so I'm sure there'll be some tangent spinning,

but it'll just be great to see Bridget again.

No secret ingredient.

No secret ingredients.

She can't be kicked out.

This is not the off-menu menu of Bridget Christie.

Christy.

Welcome back, Bridget, to the Dream Restaurant.

Good to see you again.

Mate.

Hi, Bridget.

I thought you'd say more.

Sorry.

Thanks very much for having me.

I You're drinking your

short oat cortado.

Decaf.

Decaf cortado.

Yeah.

It's smaller in here.

Are people seeing this?

Yeah, yeah.

People will kind of...

We are filming it a little bit, but they won't see the whole episode, but there'll be clips and there'll be a see.

Stand used to this by now this room, but you're not.

Because this isn't the off-menu, off-menu, is it?

But is it the same room that you do

that one and this one in?

What do you mean by all of that?

Well, this isn't the regular podcast, is it?

Because I've done that.

Yeah, you've done that so you're you're back and there's a there's a sort of a slightly new format that we're going to explain to you oh great this isn't the off menu off menu but this is where we do all of our episodes yeah

physically this is the room we do them in why have you made it smaller well i think the first time you did the show this wasn't built yet so we were just on a table in this room but the that wall wasn't there okay that wasn't ideal that room You weren't in here.

It was just Ben wasn't in here.

Ben would have been in here, yeah.

You were in the room when we were recording.

Yeah, Ben was in the room with us.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God.

It was all four of us in the room.

Well, you sat behind me or something.

And then none of us sat behind you.

We were sat all facing each other.

They were around a square table instead of a round one, like a rectangular table.

Gosh, you produced that really well.

Yeah, almost invisible.

Yeah, but that's, yeah.

Now you know what it's like to be a middle-aged lady.

So here we go.

Who said that?

But I guess it's smaller because it's as better for sound as well.

It's like it keeps the, yeah, it's not as echoey.

yeah but it's harsh like there's hard there's hard surfaces everywhere usually you'd put like curtains up and stuff and carpet mark my words i think ben has done an awful job with this yeah he's an awful job i don't think you've done a very good job and i

Bridget is always so nice to people that when she even mops isn't, she can't take it.

You take it back.

You span round in your chair and your eyes were like, I can't believe I did it.

I know, I really, I did not mean a single word of it.

You know?

is this the new format what do you mean what's what the news talking about the materials of the room no you introduced that you brought that up yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah so no no we don't bring them on and we talk about the materials in the room no that was just you were asking I was what I was going to say was is this doing what is it going well for you the podcast or this new format this new talking about what the room's made of well no but we don't we've never done that before oh okay this is the first time we've done that.

So this is a new format on top of the new format, but you've introduced, I can't stress enough, you introduced talking about the room.

Well, I'll have to play it back to check.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, don't just take us on our word.

I wouldn't.

You should listen to Back to it.

But I think in terms of how that format is going, this new one where we talk about the room, pretty well.

On paper, it doesn't sound good, but I think actually it's going quite well.

I think you can talk about anything, can't you?

Yes.

Yes.

Is there anything you'd like to talk about apart from the room itself that we can just talk about that for a bit?

Well, something has come up,

which is that I thought my guts had exploded two weeks ago.

Honest to God, I was sat watching telly, and I was like, Oh, I think I need the toilet.

Well, oh no, because this is a food podcast.

Yeah, no, I'll just tell you anyway, because it's just happened.

Yeah, so I thought either my appendix has burst, yeah, or my guts have exploded.

Either way.

Either one of those medical.

This isn't good.

And I've had two children.

And what was happening to me was worse than contractions.

Oh, God.

So I went to the downstairs toilet.

My son was upstairs revising for his A-levels.

Didn't want to marry him, but I thought, you know, I've got quite a high pain threshold.

But I was on the floor in the toilet for half an hour.

Guess what it was?

I didn't know what it was.

It was a kidney stone.

Yeah.

I was going to guess that.

That was going going to be my first guess, yeah.

Because my wife's had those.

Oh, my God.

Were you with her when she had the thing?

It was awful.

It was absolutely horrendous.

Honestly, it was worse than having maybe not my first child, but it was worse than having my second child, who was quite small when she was born.

Well, not she was bigger than a kidney stone.

But the pain of this was

absolutely off the charts.

Did you go to the hospital?

Yeah, and they did a scan, and they said, yeah, it's less than five millimetres.

You just got to pass it.

But why leave it in there, though?

Anyway, that's not the thing that I was going to say.

Oh, okay.

When you passed it, did you have a nice cup of tea?

No, it's still in there.

Like

when you gave birth?

It's in there.

I haven't passed it.

When you do, will you have a nice cup of tea and some toast, like when you gave birth?

Oh,

no.

I will keep it, though.

But I did say to the doctor, will I know when I've passed it?

And he said, some people do and some people don't.

But wouldn't it make a dropping sound?

Depends how big is it?

I mean, it's four millimetres.

Four millimetres.

I'm not sure if that would make a dropping sound.

I'm not sure.

Depends how dense it is.

Yeah.

There's calcium, isn't it?

Yeah.

But the other thing is that I also have thought that I've had a hernia for about five years.

No one can get to the bottom of it.

I have this thing that appears and disappears.

Which is like a bump.

No, it's like a long.

Can you take things out of this?

The only way I can describe it is just in front of my right hip is like a it's like a big erection.

I hope you weren't asking Ben to take things out of this because you want that taken out of it.

Yeah, I mean that's it.

No, that's very unpleasant.

Anyway, I've got

to stay in the edit.

Yes, but well, there's people, so it comes and goes, but that's the only way I can describe it like that long and that sort of shape.

Anyway, so I've been to see loads of different doctors and consultants.

Went to a gastroenterologist who did the other, the other weird scan where you have to get your blood injected with this weird stuff so it shows up everything.

Is that an ultrasound or something?

MRI?

Was it an MRI?

So

I had that, and then he called me.

And I remember I was on the

Houston.

I was going, I was on tour, and I, you know, outside the front of Houston, there's the big concourse area.

Is that word?

Anyway, he called me and he said, well, I can't find a hernia,

but two things: you've got a slip disc and you're retaining shit.

I said

that's how he worded it, that's how he worded it.

And then I laughed out loud.

And I said, Doctor, are you telling me that I'm full of shit?

And he said, In the 30 years of practice or something, no patient has ever said that to me when I've said that to them.

And I said, Well, I don't believe you.

I think you're full of shit.

And then he laughed, and then we had a bit of a giggle about it.

And I said, so is the erection?

You called it the erection.

You said, is the erection full of shit?

Do I have is my is this big erection full of shit?

Do I have an erection on my body that is made of shit?

I don't think I want this to go out.

That's a shame.

That's a huge shame.

Just for the listener, if you are hearing this, it's because Bridget said it was okay for it to go out.

Well, I mean, I can't describe it in any other...

Yeah.

But I haven't had that.

Pooh erection, should we call it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We shall.

Yeah, we shall call it that.

Yeah, we'll have to call it that.

I mean, there's no other word for it.

Has he seen this before, The Doctor?

I don't think he had it described in those terms.

Is that so the thing that keeps appearing, is that just one, is it like one big poo?

I don't know what it is.

But I haven't had one for ages.

But I'm still going to the toilet.

You're still going to the toilet?

Yeah, but you haven't seen the poo erection for a while.

Fucking.

Jeez, we haven't even, we barely started.

I don't, well, people won't be.

eating, will they?

No, they don't eat while they're listening to this.

No, we talk about, we, I mean, not specifically that much, but we talked about, you know, we talked about that.

I don't want to be, you know, people put out shows about their trauma and childhoods.

I don't want to be Bridget Christie, the poo erection person.

I don't want people to.

Turd boner.

The turd boner.

I don't want, you know, people to come and see me.

Yeah.

With that.

Because of that.

I don't think you need to worry about increasing ticket sales

if this gets out into the world.

i can't be the only person that this has happened to though right no i think there must be people listening who've had

who will go i've had a poo erection but that's the thing is that not enough people do talk about these things publicly it can be embarrassing yeah and you doing a great service to people yeah coming out publicly and saying i sometimes in my body have a poo erection

and

And other people who think they're the only ones will feel less alone and less less weird.

And And we'll be like, oh, Bridget Christie, who's this iconic comedian made...

And you're already known for

lots of things.

So it's not like the poo erection would supersede any of your previous creative ones.

It doesn't come to define you.

You just have a rection that is made completely of poo that

comes and goes

sometimes on your body.

What might happen is a doctor might get in touch and say it isn't feces.

Yeah.

It's the muscles contracting

in a tube shape.

More muscular to me.

Yes.

It would seem unusual if it was just a whole poo that was still in your body occasionally pushing itself to the surface of your skin.

And especially when it's the front.

Yeah.

From what you describe, it's the front of your body.

It's just by my hip.

So it would have to like make the journey round from the back to there and surely at some point

if it was poo

you would see it move around.

I would say

I don't think anyone was thinking it was a poo that was like recued up ready to go have you seen the substance when that bit of chicken moves around no i've not seen the substance yeah i didn't have it's like

um i didn't think that quite made sense that

anyway the change series two is out now that's very exciting it is it is out now first series everyone loved it so good thank you so much congratulations thank you the whole comedy community was very happy for you which is rare isn't it yes to To have comedians all collectively be happy for another comedian.

People were really nice.

I think that's just, you know, it's been,

you know, been 20 years.

I think that might be, you know, it hasn't.

I've not just got it yet quickly.

That might be.

Well, and you're nice and everyone thinks you're very good.

Yes.

So that helps.

Well, I mean,

just, I mean, let's stop.

No, that's very nice.

Let's talk about the poor action again.

No, no, Khalil.

I wish I'd...

I kind of have nightmares about that, though, I think.

You and me both.

So

this series is very exciting.

There's some new characters.

There are some new characters.

There's a new sister, Watkins' sister, Eel's sister,

played by the magnificent Laura Chackley.

And she just knocked it out of the park.

She does.

I've seen the first two episodes.

At the time that we're recording this, they're not all released yet, but I did see the first two, so I went to the screening.

It's fantastic.

but if you're listening to this now they are all released they are currently yes when you're listening to this all released but right now we're recording it and they're not yes so i've only seen two i've seen all of them did you

how do you wangle that

i asked very nicely yeah yeah no the she's she's brilliant no the cast is crazy we had a list you know you have your a list and then people say okay you know we're not gonna get them we're not gonna get them and um we were we were so lucky and it was just so fun.

What can you reveal about this series without giving too much away for the listener?

Well,

the panic in your eyes.

You know, obviously they didn't want me to kill Linda off, but

that was a joke.

Lots happens.

You know, there's a strike.

Linda gets put on trial.

Linda really kind of is finding herself a lot more.

She's like gaining confidence as it goes on and, you know, gets up to all sorts and becomes this reluctant messiah for the women who've found out about her ledger and that sort of takes off and she's just slowly kind of finding her voice a bit after a long time in the in the wilderness you know so that's uh it's good to play her as well because we talked a lot about at what point do we meet her like do we meet her when she's still quite oppressed and quite quiet and not very confident and do we see a lot of stuff in flashback But we decided to sort of meet her at the point at which she was still quite, you know, only working at sort of 30% of her potential.

And I'd say the second series, she's probably up about to about 60, 70.

So there's still a way to go with her.

There's room for at least one more series.

My God, totally.

Yeah, she's just sort of finding her feet now.

And I think that was the right thing to do.

It's so hard with TV because you never know if you're going to get, you know, unless they commission multiple series at once, which nobody gets kind of nowadays really you you want to write it in in a way which is satisfying but that leaves it open yeah so you can't sort of finish things off in a way and you just hope and pray that you get another one but you've got to seed things like really early and you might as well just do that in the writing process anyway and then hopefully you'll get a chance to develop those characters and those backstories and all those little seeds that you've put in that you might not actually notice when you watch it once but then if you watch the first series and the second series, you'll go, oh, that was quite a long game.

Yeah.

You know, but I think that's the satisfying way to write.

I like seeding things that are not necessarily like secrets, but they're little seeds of things that.

Well, you've got to let people know you've thought about it, right?

You've got to put the effort in and invested in those early, rather than just panicking and going, okay, well, at the end of this series, then maybe suddenly she's on top of a tall cliff and we don't know what's going to happen.

Does she?

Well, not bad.

Not bad at all.

So the format.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

This is a tasting menu.

Oh,

so we are going to present you with the menu of a former guest.

And that is what you'll be having in the dream restaurant today.

And you can just give us your opinion on each course as we go along.

Okay.

Am I there by myself?

You don't have to be by yourself.

If you would like to bring some other people, would you like to bring some other people to this?

Well, I just, not if it's not the format.

No, you can.

No, you can.

Yeah, yeah.

It's still the the dream restaurant in the sense that it can be wherever you want and you can bring whoever you want but the food you're receiving is not your dream menu.

No.

It's non-negotiable what I eat.

Yes.

It's non-negotiable what you eat.

That feels like quite a violation.

That's what we hope, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like because you're putting something in me that I might not want.

Well, I don't.

I think we've talked about certain things that are in you that you might not want and I think this is the least of your worries.

Yeah.

But also as part of this, what we're not doing is we're not holding you down and force-feeding you, like a goose,

yeah.

We won't, we're not treating you like a goose.

We're not treated you like a goose, you know.

It's um, there's a lot of things I like about France, but that is not one.

But I do feel a bit like a goose, you feel a bit like a goose today.

We'll see how we go.

I mean, it may be that I like everything and then that's fine, but oh, what do you think about this?

Well, what do you think about people being

what's going on?

What do you feel about people being tricked?

No, because I don't agree.

I can't say what I think it is like, but I think that being tricked...

Not that show,

is it a cake or is it a bottle of bleach?

You know, and they make things that look like...

Yeah, they're not tricking people on that.

Everyone's entering into that.

I was tricked once and I cried and cried.

How are you tricked?

Well, do you want me to tell you what it was?

Please.

It was a horse.

What was?

A horse.

I was 15.

I was 15 or 16.

And I was with some bikers.

And I don't know why.

Well, I was in France.

And all I had eaten, by the way, was I was totally bunged up for two weeks because all I ate was

laughing cow cheese and baguettes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That'll do it.

But we went somewhere and I just eat glue for a week.

No, not for a week.

I mean I didn't eat meat.

Oh, by the way, I'm not a vegan anymore.

But anyway, that's how I got a kidney stone.

I'll tell you about that.

In France, in the mountains or something, there wasn't anything else.

I never really ate meat.

But someone said, oh, here's, I can't remember what they said it was.

And I was like, I don't like it.

And I got really upset because I didn't eat meat anyway.

And then they said, because I didn't speak French either.

And I think I saw Cheval somewhere or so, but then people laughed because it was a horse.

You'd eaten horse meat.

Well, one bit.

Yeah, not a horse.

You'd not eaten a whole horse.

But you ate some, you had horse meat.

I don't think I'll ever get over that.

No, well, that is bad.

It's like a donkey, you know.

Yeah, yeah, quite similar.

Or a Shetland pony or something.

But it is an interesting conversation because I think that, you know, we love dog, you know, Ben's got a beautiful little dog.

That to me is no different from a, well, what's another animal that people wouldn't think is cute?

A um,

you know, a sea anemone,

you know, that's you know, those ones that the mouth is also its anus.

That eating that is the same probably as eating a like a poodle or

a cat or something, isn't it?

Yeah, it was different.

There's different.

Sure, maybe.

I was wondering the other day if if I if a what are those not cockles um what are those shell things on rocks barnacles

yeah yeah yeah if they would grow on a person

they do in the walking dead in the where some zombies have them on them are you serious yeah the ones who are on the seaside that is gross

a zombie with barnacles yeah that is that's probably one of the my worst nightmares yeah

What is it about the barnacle specifically that makes it your worst nightmare?

Well, you know, I've got triophobia, which is a fear of holes.

Right, okay.

I also don't like the idea of round things stuck on you or growing on you.

Okay, yeah.

And that is...

Imagine lots of barnacles on you.

Yeah.

But on a dead.

Which is scary anyway.

Yeah, scary anyway.

It's really scary.

Because it's sort of decaying.

Sorry, what were we talking about?

So we're going to give you a tasting menu of another guest.

Shall we tell you the guest now?

God, I'd love to know who it is.

Nick Mohammed.

Okay.

What do you think of him?

I think he's fantastic.

Yeah.

I think he's so funny and he's got such great energy.

Yeah.

Really good vibes I get from him.

Yes, very good vibes.

He's a lovely man, Nick.

Does he know that he's giving me stuff?

No, I don't think so.

We've not told him, have we been?

We've not read it by him.

No.

Why didn't you do that?

Well, I think he'll be happy either way.

I don't think he'll have a problem with it.

Because, you know, this is the menu he did on the podcast, so people know his menu.

Why did you choose his menu?

Well, that might become clear as we go through.

We thought you would find it interesting.

Well, we'll see.

Yeah, we'll see.

So, as you know, we always start with still sparkling water.

Nick chose still water with ice and with orange and mango Robinsons in it.

What?

Sorry, what?

I was going, oh, we've got so much in common because I love water and ice.

Yeah.

What does he put in it?

Orange and mango Robinson squash.

Squash.

Orange and mango squash.

How is he going to eat with that mess in his mouth?

How old is he as well?

Yeah.

Well,

I'd say we talked to Nick about squash for over 20 minutes.

Yeah, he loves squash.

Yeah, he loves squash.

Maybe on a hot day when you're not eating anything or you're like you're playing, you know, running or something.

You know, even then I just have water.

Yeah.

So not you're not a fan of squash?

Well, I'm not having it.

You might drink this.

No.

When was the last time you had squash?

Well, actually, that is a good question because when I was young, we had lemon barley water and I'm very emotionally attached to that.

And actually, I remember the residue on the top of the bottle.

Yes.

And if I think about lemon barley water, I'll just think about Gloucester in the summer in the early 1970s.

But

even having said that, I will not be having squash with my meal.

Only one of my masters.

And I am quite cross about

orange and mango.

I mean, is there a rule?

I guess.

Well, we can't.

We're not going to actually force anything.

We'll bring it all to the table.

You don't have to.

It's like if you went to

a restaurant where they do a tasting menu, you don't have to eat everything they put in front of you.

Sorry, can I just establish some rice?

If I don't have the child's squash,

which is going to ruin everything.

Yeah.

Am I just going to be thirsty?

No, there's a drink course.

No, there's a drink coming up later.

Yeah, but can I not have any water?

No, the water course is.

Yeah, that's all the water we've got.

That's the water.

That's what we've got because it's next dream.

On a technicality, you are not

giving me a choice of water.

This is the water.

This is the water choice, but Nick's already made it for you.

Because it's got squash in it.

But that's the water choice.

That's the water that we have in the restaurant today.

We haven't got anything else.

We just got still water with ice and orange and mango Robinson's.

I think a rule has been broken.

It's like saying, you know,

water is just as much the ingredient in that as all the chemicals in the squash.

Yeah, but that's how it comes out of the kitchen.

I'm not having the squash.

But we'll bring it out.

We'll bring it out anyway.

We'll put it on the table.

It's a waste of squash, so I don't want to see it.

No?

We'll put it under a little blanket.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Like one of those birds.

Yeah.

Yeah, like one of those birds.

Yeah.

And a little blanket.

You have to drink it if you don't want to, but that's all the water we've got in the restaurant.

I'm really already disappointed.

Do your kids have squash?

They're a big water fans.

Yeah.

I've got some squash in the cupboard, but we don't have it.

I've just remembered what I made.

For the first time at 53.

Oh,

it's three years after we laughed at the age.

I know.

Quite late on in the podcast for you to say your age.

Normally, it's straight out.

Quite quickly.

Homemade lemonade, which is the easiest thing.

Oh my god.

Chop up a lemon, everything.

Leave everything on it.

Yeah.

All the bits.

However, well, I would do four.

Chop up a lemon, pop it in a, you know, your bullet or whatever, a bit of sugar, bit of water.

Oh my god.

So

unbelievable.

You're whizzing up the whole, the whole lemon.

Just put the whole lemon in it.

I love it.

And then put it in a jug with loads of ice, maybe a bit of mint on the top.

It's just.

Well, that's exactly like this.

No, it isn't like the same as what we've just given you no it isn't

that's the same no it isn't you haven't chopped up a mango and a what was the other thing in it and an orange oranges and lemons are pretty similar no i don't like fake things like you know things that

you know artificially that flavour i'm not having the squash why you keep going on about it i don't know why you keep well it'll be sponsored by squash it'll be

it'll be under a blanket yeah so you don't ever need to look at it okay Okay.

But you'll know it's there.

And just to make you feel better, we'll make some homemade lemonade and we'll send it to Nick Mohammed's house.

So Nick can have some homemade lemonade.

Don't do that.

I'll just get him to make it himself.

I just thought you'd like to make it.

You won't enjoy it if it's...

You know, the most enjoyable thing is making something that's really easy from scratch and then giving it to your loved ones.

There's nothing beats that.

You know, that lemonade, you know, it's got a massive carbon footprint.

It's got poppadoms on bread now.

What are you hoping for?

I mean, a pop-a-dom.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

That's what it is.

With all the dips and the onion salad.

Lovely.

So you're happy now?

That's worked out now.

Well, I'm overthinking now because I don't know what's coming, do I?

But for now, we're back in the black.

Okay, it's fine.

This is good now.

We're not.

Okay, great.

We were in negative equity earlier.

I've got no drink, but I've got a popadom with stuff.

All the dips, everything.

Yeah, lovely.

Do you have a favourite of the dips?

Well, I like the mango chutney.

Yep.

I like the

what's the yogurt tea with little green bits.

The writer.

Yeah, love that.

So this has worked out well.

So

onion salad, lovely.

It was a bad start with the squash.

Yeah.

I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting you to be so anti-squash.

No, I don't know.

I am quite anti-squash with a meal.

Yeah.

Very much so.

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The starter, we'll just move on to the starter.

Okay.

Tortilla lasagna.

Sorry?

Tortilla lasagna.

Right.

Can I just clear something up?

Yes.

What is this business of putting two things together?

Right.

I went on a date.

Do you know about this?

Is this why you've picked this menu?

I haven't gone on a date?

No.

No.

No, 20 years ago.

Yeah, okay.

Is this why you've picked this menu?

No.

Okay.

With Nick Mohamed.

He made me this guy who was a really nice guy by the way.

Not Nick Mohamed.

No.

No.

No, they're not.

This is not...

You talked about on Puppy's Flutch their Slamdown, is it?

Jack of Potato Pizza.

No, the man who...

Oh, it gets much better.

Okay.

No, it gets much better.

No, not that one.

No, it does.

Listen, look.

I'd met him once, then went to his flat.

Normal,

really nice guy, a nurse.

I like pizzas and I like jack of potatoes.

This was a base

with no tomato, nothing, with a jacket potato on top with no filling.

And I said, oh,

oh, what's that?

And he went, a jacket potato pizza.

And I went, oh, yeah, great.

This is the thing.

Did he say that aggressively as well?

Not aggressively, well, just as in.

He was a bit defensive.

Matter of fact, what do you think it is?

Yeah, like

a jacket potato pizza.

It was the combination of things with no toppings or anything.

It was just a dry potato and a dry pizza base.

Yeah, but baked.

Yeah.

And then a base made.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he put just a plain pizza base, just the bread, in the oven, jacket potato also in the oven, I guess.

Yeah.

Bought them out, put the jacket potato in the dead center of the pizza base and then served it to you.

Yep.

But then guess what happened?

Well.

Nothing did happen.

Let me reassure you of that.

But the next thing that happened was he...

Well, things were heading in a certain direction, let's say.

And like I say, this is 20 years ago.

20 years ago.

When he undid his trouser, he had another pair of trousers on under.

So the meal was strange.

And I said, oh.

I've got, this is something that people say to me, or they've said to me all my life.

Not that I'm a passion killer, but I ask too many questions.

So he was like, oh, it doesn't matter.

You know, I've got two pairs of trousers on.

And I was like, no,

because I just need to clear it up.

You know, he's like, no, I didn't, you know.

And I was like, why have you got two pairs of trousers?

And he said, oh, it was a bit nippy.

And I was like, yeah, but

people don't wear like two things of something if they're like, that's why we've got different items of clothing.

We just wear a jacket and a shirt and a jumper.

We don't wear two hats, you know, or two pairs of shoes.

And he was like, well, why would I spend money on buying like long johns or something when I've got two pairs of trousers

but there is some logic in that but I think just with the potato combination this is the thing like the combination of his meal and the doubling up on the trousers it's like what's next yeah

yeah

and his twin's gonna come out or something

tortilla lasagna from what I remember is a layer of nachos or a layer of tortilla chips yeah then a layer of like chili no i'm out

and then a layer of it's just like loaded nachos really yeah that's all it is but nick calls it tortilla lasagna but it's not really a tortilla lasagna it's just like when you get nachos from the pub and they're layered up like meat cheese yeah nachos oh it isn't a lasagna no

he just calls it that because like it does go in the oven so it's like nachos oven baked nachos basically sorry is this his starter yes yeah yeah it's his starter this is yeah he likes making it a home yeah yeah i'm sure

you're considering it but is it is it the fact that it's two things, the two things together, which shouldn't be together?

If I had said loaded nachos is the, you know, the starter is nachos, would you feel better about it if it was just called nachos?

Because it's best at least.

I mean, I'll have it.

You know, it's just a bit of a mess.

I mean, it's definitely messy to eat.

Yeah, very messy.

You know, and it's kind of crisps and, or not crisps, but, you know.

Yeah, we'll talk to your chips.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm guessing when it's baked in the oven with the chili on and stuff, the crisps become quite soggy as well.

Yeah.

I once finished with somebody.

I finished with an ex

because oh I was so angry and I watched him doing that and I was like well I'm never going to be seeing you again.

He said oh can I have some of your dessert and I eat my dessert so neatly.

Yeah.

You know, really, it was a beautiful cake and it was very straight and clean.

Just messed the whole thing up.

He messed the cake up.

Yeah.

And then you broke up with him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you gave him what, the fork or the spoon?

What was it?

Spoon?

No, he just got in there.

I didn't give him anything.

He used his own.

He just spit it.

He just used his own spoon to destroy my berserk.

Yeah.

Were things heading in the wrong direction with him anyway?

Or was it all going fine?

And then the cake thing happened?

I hope I don't come across as quite bad.

No, you don't.

No, not at all.

No, not at all.

Because I also didn't go on a date when the guy turned up because he was wearing red dungareen.

Totally fair.

I mean, I'm on your side.

I opened the door and then I had to fake being really ill

immediately.

Yeah, I sort of went, oh, ah,

I don't feel so good, actually.

So, that guy, what was he wearing?

He was obviously wearing something different when you met him.

Yeah, like all leathers, yeah, like a sort of a biker guy.

Yeah, which he did.

And then he turned up like, like, um, who's that bloke on

CBBC?

Mr.

Tumble.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can't go to date with Mr.

Maria.

I went from Keanu Reeves to tumble.

Yeah, Reeves to Tumble.

I feel like it's, you know, not misrepresentation, but I don't think that you can just completely change who you are.

You agreed on false pretenses.

Worst thing.

He had another pair of red dangarees under.

He doubled under eagle.

So the main course, he's chosen Christmas dinner, roast, a roast Christmas dinner.

So this is the main and this is the sides as well.

So this is also the dream side for Nick, just all in the main.

So you're going to have lamb, gravy.

No, I won't.

Yorkshire pudding.

Well, I mean, strap in, Bridget, if you're already saying no.

Why won't you have lamb and gravy?

I've never, apart from in France, that tiny corner of a bit of horse,

I've never eaten meat.

But you're not vegan anymore.

I mean, you've already already eaten the tortilla lasagna that had beef all the way through it.

No, it was corn, obviously.

No, no, this is mixed menu.

No, no, that's me.

But you didn't say what the ingredients were.

The tortilla lasagna.

Yeah, we did.

We say it was layered up.

So it's the tortilla chips, then like chili beefs.

Yeah, made with.

Can I...

No one said beef.

We should have been more clear, but you've had it now.

No, I haven't had it.

You've eaten it now.

Did you enjoy it?

No, I haven't had it.

We didn't mean to trick you like the bikers, but that is what we've done.

We've accidentally tricked you so i don't think it's technically but i assumed it was corn mints you know with a q u o r n no no no no no no well like there's just no way i will have had any of it

unless you want to pay for my therapy for a year we'll have to i've i haven't had a drink yet

and i haven't had a starter and i'm not having this main either well you haven't heard there might be some bits that you haven't heard the whole thing okay go on then no no lamb yep Gravy.

Yorkshire puddings?

No.

No?

Why not?

I'll have a Yorkshire pudding.

Rice?

Sorry.

It's Christmas dinner.

Roast.

It's rice.

Sorry, rice.

This is what Nick has every year.

Gravy.

This is what Nick has every year.

Okay, carry on.

Leftover Chinese food.

Pigs in blankets.

I just can't.

Okay, so so far I've got lamb.

Lamb gravy.

No.

Gravy?

No.

Yorkshire pudding.

Yorkshire's rice.

Rice?

No.

No rice.

On principle, I'm not eating it.

Leftover Chinese food.

Pigs in blankets.

No.

Meatballs.

Is this on one plate?

Yeah.

This is the main course.

This is Christmas dinner.

This is an extreme main course.

Stuffed vine leaves?

No.

Carrots?

So why not stuffed vine leaves?

I thought you would have liked stuff.

I don't like them.

They look disgusting.

Why?

The purple piece of power.

Do you want me to tell you what they look like to me?

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

Horrible short penises.

Yeah, okay.

Well, that's ruined them for everyone now.

Carrots?

Yeah.

Pas 100%.

Pas

peas?

Yes.

Sweet corn?

Yes.

Green beans.

Yes.

Roast potatoes.

Yes.

Hot pepper sauce?

No.

Raw onion?

He has a raw onion in Christmas dinner.

His mum especially, I think he said his mum has like a big bit of raw onion when they're having a roast and

she just nibbles on it.

Lovely.

Onions are fantastic.

And last but not least, sloppy stuffing.

I mean.

Would you like to take you through what sloppy stuffing means?

No, I don't.

Because I've got some ideas.

Well, he makes the packet stuffing with water, you know, like the Paxo stuff, and he puts too much water in it.

Deliberately.

deliberately and does it in the microwave and then it's almost stuffing you can pour like a gravy like a sort of like a thick gravy or a sloppy stuffing yeah sloppy stuffing okay i'll have i'll have the sloppy really i will i never would have thought someone would have turned down the stuffed vine leaves and accepted the sloppy stuffing well i have yeah why what's your what what do you like the sound of it because um

All that's changed is the consistency of it.

So stuffing has got lovely herbs and things like that.

It's vegan, I think.

Yeah, I think it's a good thing.

he's only added water to it so it's going to taste the same

as long as it's nice and hot.

Pretty good.

So you've got basically carrots and parsnips and peas and sweet corn and green beans and roast potatoes, a raw onion and the sloppy stuffing.

That's what you would like to keep of that.

And Yorkshire, you have a Yorkshire.

I'll have that on the side or in the middle, you know, with all the veggies around it.

Well, no, but I mean, it's all coming on the plate, though.

Oh, yeah, we'll bring all of it out.

You'll just eat round the bits you don't like.

Is it going to be touching the?

Yeah, I guess so.

It's a roast dinner.

Yeah.

Well, that's a shame.

It's an extreme.

Nick Stream menu.

Nick Stream menu.

I know, and I don't want to be rude about his dream menu, but I suppose I've got to be honest.

Yeah, oh, yeah, no, you absolutely have to.

I think that people should eat things that they don't want to.

No, and you don't have to eat it, but it is all coming on the same relationship, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well,

again, that's not what we were aiming for with the format, but.

Well, you know, food is huge, right?

Food is huge.

It's all I think about all day.

Yeah.

So you can't make people...

You know, there's all these stories about kids being made to eat fat and stuff, isn't there?

I just think it can mess you up for life, really.

Well, we're not trying to mess you up for life.

No.

And you don't have to eat.

No, no, no, no.

You don't have to eat this, but it will be on the plate.

Yeah.

We bring it out to you.

like they would a tasting menu and just put it down in front of you and you can eat the bits you like you're because you're with me you're my guests by the way oh lovely yeah yeah yeah well then straight away first thing you can do is all the bits that you don't want a lamb all of that yeah pop them on my plate will you have them yeah and then you can you can add my spare veg that's a good idea we'll do swapsies yeah yeah really good idea great and then hopefully it's less like an abusive relationship yeah that would be that would be really great yeah i'm not eating this

you're not having it either i'm gonna i'm gonna order somebody else

what

this is not my taste it's not not for me i don't like it i'll order somebody else is that the rule is it that

you can just do whatever you like?

I'm the guest.

So am I.

Well, but I'm your guest.

It's making it up as he goes along.

Sloppy stuffing is one of the worst things I've ever heard about when it came on this podcast.

By the way, I don't know if you've spotted yet.

This menu is very bad.

So we've given you a bad menu.

Yeah, it's like it's making me feel unwell.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like after this, you know, I'll go home and I'll be like, you've got to look after after yourself, Bridge.

Come on.

You can't be eating like that.

But the leftover Chinese food, that, you know, that could be.

With the roast dinner.

That could be vegetarian.

Bridge's stomach growled at me because you liked it.

Well, they gave me nothing when I arrived.

No.

I got to be, you know, I got to look after myself now.

You know, I think the kidney stone is from eating a lot of tofu and spinach, which was my staple, because I love tofu and spinach.

They're very foods high in oxalates, which I've got to avoid now.

And I've got to avoid salt.

Right.

So you're off tofu now?

For a bit, yeah.

Yeah.

Does

feel like, yeah, that main course maybe doesn't meet those requirements.

Give me what I need.

Yeah.

Quite a lot of salt, I think.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not eating any of the.

I've only got the veg and the Yorkshire pudding, haven't I?

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah.

Could I have a bit of mustard or something?

Don't think so.

Let me have a look.

Not on the menu.

Not on the menu.

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So the drink is a very cold Riesling and a Coca-Cola.

Well, I wouldn't have the Coke, but I'd have the glass of wine.

So Nick went to a him and his wife went to a wine tasting thing where they tasted loads of different Rieslings and they had to rate them as to what they thought of them.

And they just about halfway through, they got so pissed they started writing down that they were 111 out of 10.

are you supposed to like spit them out

i think there's a sense of that they probably should have spat them out but i think they just they're enjoying a night off yeah and they just they just necked them they just went for it but riesling's good stuff are you are you a fan are you a fan of riesling i don't uh my niece is a sommelier so

absolute genius with wine um but i don't really know one from the other but if you've got someone like that in your life you can just trust them to tell you the nice stuff to drink, right?

Yeah, I should be texting her a lot.

But yeah, she's fantastic.

She's really highly, highly skilled.

Does she work in a restaurant?

She works for a,

this is Bab now, a Scottish brewery, a bit and I, it's completely gone from my mind.

That's okay.

A really huge.

I don't know if you know any of them.

A huge, a huge Scottish brewery.

Yeah, that I've talked about many times, and I just cannot remember anything.

Tenants?

I was thinking of Scottish breweries.

No, sorry, no, you weren't asking if you have people living in your house.

No, that's right.

I was like, yeah, at that point, I thought you were.

Oh, so they're not a brewery, they're a whiskey distillery.

Yes, sorry.

See, I even got that word in the brewery.

I did a gig in a distillery the other day.

Did you?

Yeah, no, a brewery.

Oh, my God.

Nick's meal is going down very well.

Well, I will have the wine, but I won't have the coke.

Why won't you have the coke?

Just too

carbonated, too sweet, too flavourous.

You know, with food, it's water or a nice wine, I think.

Right, okay.

Or nothing.

Well, we've brought it out on the table.

Yeah, well, I won't drink it.

Should we cover it up again?

It could go under with the squash, couldn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, put it under there.

Wouldn't he be drinking them like at the same time?

I guess so.

I guess he's going back and forth.

Yeah.

You know, he likes to have both.

But I'm with you.

I'd just stick to...

If I was having, if I'm not drinking at a a meal, I might have a Diet Coke or something.

Can I say something really mean?

Yeah.

This meal is so, like, I've got no respect for it.

Yeah.

That I probably would have the Coke, even if I'd.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm not ruining anything.

You're not ruining the flavour of all of the food, are you?

So you may as well down the Coke.

It's an abomination.

Is that too strong?

No, it's not too strong.

No, this is one of our worst menus ever.

Yes, notoriously one of the worst menus ever.

I had to completely reassess how I viewed Nick.

Yeah.

Does it change change what you think of him as a person?

Because at the top, obviously, you said he's so lovely and is such a wonderful spirit.

Has it changed your mind on him?

It's made me think that maybe it might be good to have a little chat, make sure he's okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Because he wasn't doing this for a joke.

No.

When he was telling us this, he wasn't like, this will be funny.

This is genuinely his dream meal.

Like, he was just honest.

Like, this is what he wants.

And

has he had that?

Yeah, he's eating all the stuff.

This is what he has for Christmas dinner every year.

He's easy what he has for Christmas dinner with the rice.

He makes tortilla lasagna at home.

Yeah, he loves Robinson's squash, all of it.

There's nothing wrong with any of the things, but it isn't a dream, I don't think.

Yeah, he very much picked things that he would have maybe twice a week anyway.

Because they do a quick roast at home, him and his wife.

They do like a small version of it where it'd be like chicken breast, gravy in the microwave, stuffing in the microwave.

That's already better, isn't it?

Do you think?

Yeah, just think.

I think so, yeah.

I like the sound of the meatballs and the stuffed vine leaves with the pigs and blankets.

I think that's leaves.

Yeah, but remember the stuffed vine leaves, they look like horrible,

horrible penises.

Yeah,

yeah.

Do you want us to cover those up?

Wrapped up in the wrapped up.

Because we're obviously going to put

what?

Wrapped up.

They're wrapped up.

Oh, so sorry.

You were imagining the vine leaf being the skin of the penis.

Yeah, like looks like a small horrible penis.

But you're saying when you see it, you're like someone's inside that vine leaf is a horrible small penis.

No.

But I think the vine leaf does look like the skin.

That's the skin.

The green skin of a penis.

Yeah.

Like of a of like an evil goblin or something.

You know, and that's what, you know, when you see them in supermarkets,

all I can see is six evil

castrated goblins.

Like in a Tolkien.

Yeah, just,

you know, or a David Lynch show or something.

You know what I mean?

Horrible, nasty.

Or gnomes, you know.

Oh, someone's scarier.

Sellotape vine leaves to a load of gnomes' bodies

and put them around your garden.

In fact,

I might just do that.

It'd be a good prank in the local neighbourhood, wouldn't it?

It would go out in the middle of the night sellotaping stuffed vine leaves to all the crotches of the garden gnomes.

It would make them look so sinister, wouldn't it?

Yeah, it would.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if their dicks were out?

Yeah, they haven't got any, actually, have they?

Garden gnomes?

Yeah.

They never see them.

They got dicks.

Have they?

They They must have underneath their trousers.

Who told you that?

Well, for Taskmaster, one of my prize tasks was I bought a garden gnome, which, but the garden gnome's got a massive dick and he's wheeling it around in a wheelbarrow.

Sorry, what?

You know, in Taskmaster, where you bring the prize.

You made that.

You didn't

have to be QS.

I bought it on eBay.

He's got like a huge one, though.

And it so he's got his wheelbarrows

in front of him.

Definitely a joke.

And the knobs in the wheelbarrow, so he has to wheel his own knob around.

Oh, my God.

Because it was so big, it wouldn't even fit in his clothes.

Did that get on Taskmaster?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did it get past the,

you know, whatever is it, the child?

Because, you know, we weren't allowed to switch.

Did you have a child in the studio?

No, but I think it isn't, because kids watch it, you know.

Yeah.

There's the

blue TV one.

So how did they, did they pixelate his?

Yeah, I think they pixelated his knob, yeah.

You bought this then?

Yeah.

Have you still got it?

No, I think I lost that episode, so I don't know where it is.

I can't remember what, but I didn't get great points for it, I don't think.

Yeah, but the object, where's the gnome?

I don't know.

Wherever these, I can't remember who won the episode, and even if they wanted to keep it-absolutely horrible.

Yeah, it was horrible, that one.

Why are gnomes always male as well?

Yeah, that's a good point.

All of them.

In the film Nomeo and Juliet, there were some female gnomes.

Yes.

Juliet for one.

So Juliet is a gnome as well.

Yeah, they're all gnomes.

What's this?

Is it a cartoon?

Yeah.

Nomeo and Juliet.

What's it like?

It's

basically a retelling of Romeo and Juliet, but with garden gnomes who live in different gardens.

The end can't be the same.

Yeah.

Probably the end isn't the same, actually.

I haven't seen.

How did you know that that existed?

I saw the poster when it came out.

It's quite a big film, Nomeo and Juliet.

I even know about that.

Who are playing the leads?

Good question.

I mean,

my memory, James Corden is in it, but that can't...

James McAvoy.

James McAvoy and Emily Leighton are playing Nomeo and Juliet.

Oh, sweet.

I won't watch it.

Silly idea.

Anyway, how did we get on to gnomes?

Because you were saying you wanted to sellotape stuffed vine leaves to their family.

Vog leaves.

Oh yeah.

I don't think I'll do that.

We arrive at the dessert, an extreme dessert.

So you haven't really had loads to eat yet.

I think I'm quite hungry actually.

Yes.

Quite hungry.

So hopefully this will be something that you will want to eat.

Oh god.

It's going to be like a bag of Haribos or something, isn't it?

No.

no microwaved oh god

chocolate fondant with a terri's chocolate orange in the middle bridget went on a real roller coaster there because microwaved you're really upset chocolate fondant you came back to us and then the terry's chocolate orange you don't need that

you don't need the terries in a chocolate fondant dessert it's very much the jacket potato pizza of desserts isn't it

so is this he's got a terry's orange yeah and he's taken some segments and he's no, he's just put I can't remember what I can't remember if he's put the whole thing in the middle of it or just it must be some segments yeah he's pushed some segments

into the

into the chocolate fondant and is that it by itself there's nothing yes that's that's that's the dessert yeah that's quite dry oh I've got my wine now haven't I yeah you've got your wine now yeah

it's this you know people putting things together yeah it's happened again it's happened again I mean the whole menu is like just the stuff shouldn't be put together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're going to take the Terry's out of it.

I know because I think the Terry's has gone in before the mic is gone in the microwave, right?

So it's all melted in.

Yeah, I believe so.

God, what would that look like?

What do you think it will look like if you imagine it in your head?

That's going to look bad, isn't it?

Would just look very chocolatey, I think, wouldn't it?

Are you not a fan of chocolate orange either?

I mean, I like chocolate and I like oranges.

Yes.

But you know that's not what a Terry's is, right?

What do you mean?

Well, like chocolate orange is not just a whole orange and chocolate together.

Like it's flavoured.

It's more.

Yeah, exactly.

Is it a synthetic flavouring that

you don't like orange?

I love orange.

You wouldn't have the orange at Mango Robinson's earlier.

No, because I love orange.

So you can make an orange cake where you boil the oranges in

the house smells so you boil oranges for about an hour and the whole house smells absolutely amazing.

And then you put the whole orange, like every part of it, into a food mixer, and you juzh all that up.

And then you put it into the cake mixture.

Absolutely fantastic.

Phenomenal.

I think I've done one of those with like a Palette, making like a polenta cake.

I think I've done one of those as well.

And then, but you could do like a chocolate orange cake, couldn't you?

Yeah.

And then that would be

fantastic, I think.

Yeah.

And that would be great.

You like getting whole citrus fruits and putting them in a food processor.

I like natural things, yeah, and simple things, like just

mushroom soup or just not just a potato on a pizza base.

That's a bit too simple.

But, you know, keep everything, have good ingredients, but don't try and chuck everything because, like, more isn't, hang on, less is more, isn't it?

More isn't, like, more isn't more, isn't it?

More isn't more.

More isn't more isn't it?

This is a quantity, quality thing that I think I was trying to search for.

Yeah.

This feels like just chucking a load of stuff.

Yeah, I think sort of inadvertently, we've picked absolutely the worst menu for you.

Yes.

Why would you do that, though?

Well, because we've known each other for a while.

We always want to pick a menu that we would like to see the guests react to.

And with John Kearns, we picked Miriam Margulies' menu.

We could imagine John finding that intriguing, interesting.

Yeah.

For you.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to this.

We couldn't really find anyone who was like, oh, Bridget will find this interesting or Bridget will really like it.

Eh?

I like

anything, really.

I'm not fussy, am I?

Is that how I come across?

No, not fussy, but it was just like, oh, you know, we want the guest and the menu to compliment each other.

Yeah.

We couldn't really find that.

And then we're like, do you know what?

I think Bridget casting a bit of a sensible eye over the most insane menu we've had.

Yes.

I understand.

Well, that's something we'd like to see.

Also, it's funny when you get really angry about stuff, Bridget.

Yeah.

So I knew that you would get incensed by a lot of this menu did you yeah and i was looking forward to that okay because that always makes me laugh i didn't expect it to start with the squash no i thought we were going to have a little warm-up into the starter really or even the main oh but you were angry by the squash i think the squash might be the thing i might be the most angry about and the takeaway The takeaway with it.

You actually didn't even talk that much about the rice and the Chinese takeaway in the Christmas.

I think I've given up by then.

Do you broken your spirit a bit with this?

Do Do you get Chinese takeaways?

No, it's something that I have never really got

for no reason in particular.

It tends to be pizza with toppings.

Wow, yeah.

Not just the base.

I'm not really getting much takeaways because of the salt, high salt content.

But it might be curries, things like that.

And would you eat them would you eat leftovers the next day?

Yes, I think leftover food is pretty good, reheated, sometimes tastes better.

So what's your problem with leftover chinese with a with a christmas dinner that's my problem with it okay also it was unspecified and i just after the squash and everything else i just imagined just a disgusting mess you know so that's the whole menu there was obviously a secret ingredient for that episode as well and nick would have been kicked out of the dream restaurant if he had said bran flakes how did that affect this today Oh, it didn't.

Oh, it didn't at all.

I just thought it'd be interesting to get your take on bran flakes if you like them or not.

Love them.

So they're better than the whole menu you've had.

I would have had a box of brown flakes

rather than that menu and the cardboard.

Yeah.

In the whole retaining shit situation,

are you

supposed to eat more fibre or less fiber?

Well, I spoke to another doctor about that and she said, I don't understand what he meant

because we've all got shit in us.

Yeah.

We've all got a little bit of shit in us.

Yeah.

Well, thank you so much for attending.

Is it over?

Well, that's your whole meal.

Oh, God.

It seemed...

I feel really unsatisfied.

Yeah.

Yeah, you didn't like that meal, did you?

I have to say, I've been so looking forward to today.

And

I feel like really

let down, disappointed.

By the new format?

No, I just, I was really excited, you know, and I've not really eaten anything

and

not kind of not been given an opportunity to enthuse

about.

Well, would you like to enthuse now?

We could let you enthuse about something.

I mean, we heard about the lemonade.

No, I have had a lovely time.

Thank you, Brittany.

Yeah, it's such, you should be very pleased with that.

With the time you've had.

No, it's, you know, I was hoping something might happen.

If you rub the lamp, put it up.

I'm not rubbing anything again.

Oh, yeah.

Last time you were on here, you rubbed a squirrel's dick.

Oh, my.

Do you know?

I actually didn't.

And that all came from you.

But also, what I didn't tell you was how long it took to

rub it off.

The Vaseline off the pole.

No, honestly, I didn't, because it doesn't, it just moves, doesn't it?

Like egg white.

Yeah.

And also the other thing is when I was wiping it off the squirrel was watching me and I was like haven't you had enough anyway no more rubbing no more rubbing thank you

thanks for coming back to the dream restaurant Bridget oh thank you so much for having me

wow James whoa

what an app disliked it more than I expected actually I didn't think she'd like the menu but um I didn't think squash was going to get such short shrift and uh yeah

it went pretty bad tortilla lasagna yeah man so funny yeah yeah fantastic i mean i really hope i don't know what's going to make it in and what isn't but i was laughing for most of that yeah outstanding i mean there's some bits that just visually it's very funny but just stop it and make it a face yeah which won't come across

in the audio format but hopefully you'll be able to watch at one point she was just staring me out yeah i thought she was going going to leap across the table and attack me.

Yeah, yeah.

Wasn't happy with you

at all.

And that's Nick Mohammed's fault.

He's got no idea

what a ruckus he's caused.

He's just going about his life.

I mean, I should have an email from him.

So he actually coincidentally emailed me during that podcast.

During the podcast.

Yeah.

I got an email from Nick, who I don't often communicate with.

So I've replied to that.

That's weird.

But I haven't told him about this yet because I was replying very quick in between recording the podcast and the outro.

So I'm going to have to say to him, oh, by the way, you're about to get trashed again.

Yeah.

Trashed to high hell.

Yeah, it's not going well for you then.

No.

But you know what?

I'm really enjoying this new format, getting people back in.

It's really fun.

Series two of the change is at channel4.com.

Yeah, all episodes available now.

Go and watch it.

And hey, Ed, if people want to see the tasting menus live, this format, in a live setting, getting fan favorites back and giving them the menus of other fan favorites, The Royal Albert Hall.

Does that sound like an okay venue to you?

Sounds good to me, man.

The Royal Albert Hall, March 2026.

The tasting menus off menu live at the Royal Albert Hall.

Tickets available now.

Off menupodcast.co.uk.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.