Ep 286: Rhod Gilbert (Live in London)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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I have.

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It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

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Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

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So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

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Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Hello there and welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

It's a live one, James.

There it is.

There it is, the jingle.

It's a bonus episode.

We did some live dates at the palladium,

which is very exciting.

People, just standard episodes, new guests.

New guests, standard episodes, live at the Palladium.

We did four shows in three nights, James.

It was wonderful.

Thank you to everyone that came.

We had an absolutely stupendous time.

And now we're very excited to be able to share the audio versions, the podcasts, with the people who couldn't go.

These won't be coming out week to week, by the way.

No.

The last run of live ones we did, they came out week after week after week no they'll be they'll be popping into your inbox now and again uh but this first one was indeed the first one we recorded it was recorded on the 20th of march 2025 yeah and it is with the wonderful special guest james rod gilbert wow rod gilbert one of our finest comedians yes also we were on taskmaster together yes you were but um that was fairly uneventful i'm sure we won't get i'm sure that won't come up rod is on tour now with Rod Gilbert and the giant grapefruit, including a date at the Yventim Hammersmith Apollo in London on the 12th of June.

Go to rodgilbertcomedian.com for tickets.

You must do that.

We should also explain, James, we picked the secret ingredient with the audience in the first half.

We are not putting any of the first half stuff on the audio.

No, we won't put release the first half, but they did help us decide the secret ingredient.

If it was us, we would have said grapefruit because his news shows called that.

But he said a lot of food in a lot of titles of his shows.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The audience went with

Battenberg.

So Battenberg is Rod's secret ingredient.

Bear that in mind.

Also, bear in mind there might be some references in the live show with Rod to things that happened earlier on in the show, which you will not hear.

For instance, my intro to the top of the podcast.

Sure.

Yes.

But I think we should just hear it, James.

Yeah, I think we should just go in.

Let's dive in.

This is the off-menu menu of Rod Gilbert.

I double AD.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Taking the carrot sauce of humour,

adding the blue pasta of friendship.

It's Halloween.

That is it, Gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

Together we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invite in a guest and asking their favourite ever-starter mangles, dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Rod Gilbert!

Now you all know what the secret ingredient is.

Keep that in your head, and we'll see if we end up kicking Rod Gilbert out of the London Palladium.

Which you would love to do, right?

I would love to do it so much, he deserves it.

His despicable behaviour on Taskmaster.

Should we crack on then?

Let's crack on.

Please, welcome to the

off-menu menu for Gilbert.

Do you remember that?

It's only about 300 episodes we've done.

And I'm not a listener.

This is the off-menu menu of Rod Gilbert.

Frod Gilbert!

Gilbert!

Thank you!

Right here, please, Rod.

Oh, they're nice, aren't they?

They're lovely.

They're lovely.

You're on Palladium.

This is lovely.

You should listen to this podcast, James.

Yeah?

Yeah, give it a whirl.

What are some highlights?

Give me some highlights of it.

I think you'd enjoy it.

That's all I'm saying.

I don't know.

I've heard it, and it's good.

Yeah?

Actually, no, I think it's better than good.

I'm going to say, I'm going to, I mean, I did say this to you earlier when I arrived, but I'm going to go in a bit of a limb.

I'm getting old and a bit sentimental, and I think the audience would appreciate it if I thanked you two for this,

I think, the best podcast in the world.

Correct.

How lovely.

Not tonight.

Not tonight, obviously, but this will be the exception that makes the rule that this is an incredible podcast.

Well, I think this will be the best episode ever.

I think this will be the number one episode of Off Menu.

There's not one person that believed that.

Do you think you are getting old and sentimental, Rod?

Because we were saying the last time me and James saw you was at a wedding, and we'd not seen you for a while.

And you came up to me and James and you said, oh you two have shot up

yeah that's because I am becoming what's known as a little old man

and that's what happens when you're a little old man is the younger generation they go oh you shot up

last time I saw you both you were in cubs

I've got a question okay yeah you know the booby trap thing the secret ingredient the what secret ingredient secret ingredient yes Little old man.

With hearing aids.

I am wearing hearing aids.

Yeah, the secret ingredient is that, because I've never heard you kick anyone, I've never heard it happen.

I mean, it happened once famously, but I didn't hear it.

Do I have to pick that thing or just mention it?

Pick it.

You have to pick it.

It has to be kicking it.

That's one of my things.

You can mention it and we won't kick you out.

But if you pick it and it's in a dish,

you're out on the streets of London.

Got it.

And we're tearing up your train to get home.

Yeah.

I will be, if I get kicked out of here,

I mean, it took me six hours to get you.

And I got out of my sick bed to get here.

So if I get kicked out, I will be taking some fucking millennial with me.

I'll tell you that.

You've got to bear in mind, like, Rod lives around the corner, he's just very old, and it takes him a very long time to walk anywhere these days.

I'll be hitting you with my flat cap, young man.

Banging you with my Zimmer.

James, we should start properly, please.

We need to do this officially right.

I've always wondered what was going on.

Now, Rob, we always give our guests during the live shows the opportunity to rub the big lamp if you if you would like to.

I mean, have you got anything more phallic?

I could.

Yeah.

Welcome, Rod Gelbert, Tiller Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Pretty cool.

I'll be honest, I only remembered you had quite a bad cold when you were stood in the stream of dry ice that was pouring into your face.

I hope that hasn't affected your lungs in any way.

It's perfect for a man with throat cancer.

By the way, that's not what I was referring to when I said you had quite a bad cold.

Also, you're lucky that you don't get kicked kicked out for just saying the secret ingredients.

We didn't think they'd go there, but that's what they picked.

Throat cancer.

Oh, shit.

Oh, are you much of a foodie, Rod?

Would you say?

Am I much of a foodie?

If you're doing the podcast about food, surely you should have asked me that before you invited me on, I wouldn't.

Benito doesn't let us talk about food with the guests before they come on.

I'll tell you what I've I've done as well.

I've got notes.

We love it.

Because I'm so forgetful.

I'll tell you a bit about how forgetful I am in a minute, but am I a foodie?

Not really, but I've come a long way.

Rod, would you like me to remind you to tell us how forgetful you are?

Yes, remind me to tell you how forgetful.

Because it relates to food,

how forgetful I am.

But yeah, no, I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way.

I grew up in the 70s and 80s in West Wales.

Yeah,

Food in our house was.

I mean to be fair, like my dad wasn't interested.

My mother was working full-time, bringing up three kids, so food in our house was not exactly.

I mean, I'll give you a few examples.

Spaghetti bolognese.

Lovely.

In my house, when I was growing up, spaghetti bolognese was a tin of tomato soup, a tin of corned beef,

stir it up.

That's spaghetti bolognese.

And I still have it to this day.

I still have it.

You still eat it.

It still eat it.

Any spaghetti in in there?

I only found out it wasn't that when I got to college.

Oh, yeah, spaghetti.

On a bed of spaghetti.

Corned beef, tomato sleep, on a bed.

My mother, once, and my dad was very

simple-tasted and a very grateful man.

So he would always express his gratitude.

My mother walked in once and put a plate of boiled rice in front of my dad.

And my dad couldn't, he was very short-sighted, he couldn't actually see it.

But his standard response was, oh, wonderful, fit for a king, fantastic.

And then my mother went like this: she went, oh, I've forgotten the ham.

She came out with a fork and a packet of packeted ham and lifted out two pieces and draped it on top of the rice.

The rice.

But Hadi already said fit for a king at this point.

Yeah, yeah, and he was happy with that.

So what did he think when the ham came out?

Oh, it's just fucking mind-blown then.

Mind-blown.

But it was very simple.

Like, if my mother was away, you're not able to go.

We had sardines on toast.

That's what we had every single time.

And if anybody ever came to eat in our our house, right?

So, if ever we had, I guess, you'd call them a guest.

Yeah, oh, we do that in England as well.

Would you call them a guest as well?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Such an interesting culture there.

Tell me if I'm going too fast.

So, if we had a guest, somebody non-related, somebody not from the family, a friend, a neighbor, would come round.

My mother would literally, under the table, go like this.

She'd go,

right, kick you, and you, and she'd go like this.

She'd go, FHB, FHB.

And we all knew that meant family hold back.

Wow.

So there wasn't enough food to go around, so my mother would kick us and go, FHB, and you'd go, Actually, I'm not that hungry, and just fucking leave it.

So I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way.

Fit for a king, and just pushing it across the table.

Just not this king.

Now, Vaud, I believe that you're quite forgetful.

No, not too bad.

I am quite forgetful.

It relates to food because, I mean, and my wife's here tonight, the lovely Sean is here.

Hi, Sean was here.

Hi, Sean.

Sean, she's here somewhere.

Sean, do we not say hello anymore?

We've been backstage for ages trying to keep this guy entertained.

And we're the same.

I don't know if it's ADHD or just forgetfulness, whatever, right?

But trying to make...

I would say I've got a success rate on making a cup of tea is about one in ten.

So I will frequently put a tea bag in a cup, wander off and forget about it.

Another 10% of the time, I'll probably pour hot water on that tea bag, wander off and forget about it.

Another 10% of the time, I'll pour the hot water on, remember, I've done it good, pour the milk in, then wander off and forget about it about it.

Another 10% of the time, I'll remember it's late after a while and go, oh, this is cold now.

I'll heat, put it in the microwave to heat it up.

And then another 10% of the time, I'll go back to the microwave later on that evening, hours later, and find a fucking cup of tea in there.

Sometimes I'll put it it on for another 30 seconds and then I've wandered off again and forgotten in there again.

I'd say 10% of my cups of tea end in me successfully drinking a hot cup of tea.

And I love tea as well, it's a shame.

That is a shame.

That's a massive shame.

I once, and Sean will testify to this, I once put, it was Christmas Day, about 2016, I don't know.

I said to my wife on Christmas Day, Should I pop some mince pies to warm in the oven?

Oh no.

I'll just pop a couple of mince pies.

Now, Dunnywales, we've got an aga, right?

You know, country living.

Yeah.

An agar stays on.

That's the thing with an agar.

You'll know that.

I popped two mince pies in on Christmas Day.

Charlie, can you hear me?

It would be fucking crazy if she could have knocked, Rob.

What I meant was, I guess that was a roundabout way of asking, can we hear you?

A very roundabout way of asking, Can we hear you?

Can you hear me?

Yes, right, I can hear you.

All good.

Because we didn't sound check this.

She wasn't here earlier.

Anyway, I said, Sean, should I pop a couple of mince pies in the oven Christmas Day around tea time?

She said, that would be lovely.

When did we find them, Sean?

May.

May.

May the following year, just to be clear.

May 17, I opened the argument.

There's two fucking discs.

Two black discs.

I'm going, what the hell are these?

And then we worked backwards through April, March.

They're the mince pies I popped in the oven on Christmas Day.

So you're not doing a huge amount of cooking, would it be fair to?

Not in the agar.

No, no, not in the agar.

No, no, we've got other cooking utensils and equipment to do that.

We've got a regular oven, hob.

Do you want to carry on?

Were they

winning?

Were the mince pies award-winning?

Were they award-winning?

Oh,

fucking hell, he is good.

He is good, isn't he?

Were they award-winning mince pie?

Mind you, I can see, got nothing from the audience.

Yeah, that was...

I thought it was going to take the roof off with the fan room, but instead I've actually inadvertently and not deliberately damaged the audience.

I did a show many moons ago.

2008, I did a show called the Award-winning Mince Pie, is what James is.

A wonderful show, Rod.

A wonderful show, Damn.

Wonderful.

Oh, thank you, wonderful.

I thank you very much.

A wonderful stand-up show.

Oh, did you see it?

Yeah, at Edinburgh.

I went to see it at the Edinburgh Festival.

Because you'd have been quite sort of.

We were new comedians, and Josh Whitticom said to me, have you seen the show Rod Gilbert's doing?

I said, no.

And he went, I would go and see it again if you want to go and see it.

I went and see it.

It was amazing.

Oh, that's nice.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

I shall take that into my mind.

I was watching it and I was thinking, one day, this guy's going to mug me off on Taskmaster.

Let it go.

He's going to ruin my life.

Are we going there?

Are we talking about that?

No.

No,

it's going to come up, I'm sure.

Yeah, it'll probably come up at some point, I'm sure.

But, you know, as you've already covered,

since all the awful things you did, you very cleverly got cancered.

And I can't go in too hard on you now.

I'm just going to adjust my hearing aids up slightly to be honest.

No, I did say what you just thought I said.

Always start with still a sparkling water, Rod Gilbert.

Well, do you have a preference?

Sparkling.

A lot of hate for sparkling tonight.

Some nice cheers at the beginning, and it just morphed into a booze.

That was very few.

Yeah,

they'll be only the six.

I'm not getting any comedian, all I'm hearing really is the booze and the

No, sparkling definitely.

Partly because, and those of you who booed, right, this will get you back.

This is one in your eye, booers.

Partly because, and it's not really, I've been a big fan of sparkling water for many years.

In fact,

sorry to bring Sean in it.

Me and Sean have got a song about it.

Oh, get ready, Sean, yeah.

When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink.

Everything's disgusting, right?

When you got cancer in this area and you're having a treatment radio, everything's disgusting.

I couldn't drink water, it's disgusting tea.

Everything's disgusting except sparkling water.

And that kind of got me through.

All things sparkling, so Lucas Aid, sparkling water, I could still drink that.

Nothing else.

How are you feeling if you booed right now?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sparkling water saved my life when I had throat cancer.

Give us a boo.

But years before that, it's only when I was thinking about this podcast that this occurred to me that we have a song about it.

Well, you're going to have to have it.

Obviously, you're not doing that now.

I mean, this is, I mean, this is like, this is the kind of marital stuff that nobody should ever have to share, really.

And I think this is essentially why me and Sean are together.

Sean, if I sing the verse, will you do the chorus?

You can't make Sean sing.

Are you okay to do that?

Give her a mic.

Yeah, give her a mic.

She'll try.

She said she'll try.

We're going to try.

Charlie's got a mic for you, Charlotte.

Where is Charlie?

Sean, where...

Sean, you're downstairs.

Oh, good.

She's there.

I thought she was up there for a second.

That is not your wife.

What the fuck has happened?

This is Charlotte, my agent, who is sitting with my wife.

Thank you, Charlotte.

I thought for a second there I had tumbled through the multiverse

and not known it.

I'm in a different universe where

I've got a different wife.

Can we hear you, Sean?

Hi, guys.

Sorry about this, Sean.

That's fine.

All right, I'm going to do the verse.

Oh, my God.

So, this is the Sparkling Water song.

No pressure on this, Sean, but this is the kind of stuff Benito usually clips up for the best of at the end of the year.

This may be the kind of stuff.

I promise you, this will not be the stuff.

Ready, Sean?

Yes.

She doesn't sound happy, Rod.

Do you remember the words?

I didn't know there was a verse.

I'm using the word verse very loosely.

Okay.

But I'll get you.

You'll know when to come in, all right?

Okay.

Follow me for the challenge.

No prep done beforehand.

Knew that we were going to ask him what water he wanted.

Can I just point out that we've had this song going for about 10, 15 years?

Can you remember how it started, this song?

Like the terms that we came up with?

No?

I can't remember how or where it started.

No, but there are other people I could ring and we could put them on and they'd do it as well.

Wow.

It's not just a thing with accidents.

How big does the song start?

I can't look at you while I do it.

I can't look at you.

I'll go behind you.

I'm behind the lamp.

I'll go behind the lamp.

Oh,

get in the lamp.

Bit embarrassing doing the song, is it?

Just a a bit.

Here we go.

Ma, ma, na, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, na, na, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma.

A fizzy water.

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

Wow.

What do you reckon?

Whole audience.

Just your standard verse chorus structure.

That is it.

Ma, man, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.

Fizzy water.

It is good.

It's good.

15 years we've been doing that.

Kick that mic, Sean, if you want to get involved at any point.

Thank you.

Yep, that's it.

Pop-ups or bread.

Pop-ups or bed, what Gilbert.

Pop ups or bread.

Brett.

A lot of cheers there.

No booze this time, I noticed.

Yeah.

No, they're waiting to hear who helped you when you were in recovery.

Do you want to hear my workings out though on bread?

Absolutely.

Please.

We're not just going to move on Roger.

I'll come to my winner because I've yeah there's a lot of the time tonight where I'm very indecisive right.

So have you done a tournament for the bread?

It's a top five.

Top five lovely.

Top five Peshwari naan.

Lovely.

Nothing more to add?

I think that's a lovely number five.

I think some people would have it higher.

Some people might not even include it in the top five, but I think it definitely deserves a shout-out.

There has to be a naan in the top five.

Okay.

Four,

and this is where I maybe should have done more research.

That I think is Turkish puffy bread.

You think that's what it's called?

That's what they call it, isn't it?

Turkey?

Is it Turkish puffy?

Turkish puffy bread.

Like a big puffer fish.

Hasn't he been arrested recently?

Those parties got crazy, man.

The Turkish Pufferbread brother.

Is that what he is now?

Turkish puffer bread.

Is that how we got it?

Yeah, he's changed his name again.

He kept changing his name.

And then he went to Puffbready.

As if nobody would know who he was if you put Turkish in the front.

Turkish puff daddy.

I know what you mean.

I know the Turkish.

What's it called?

The Turkish puffer bread?

Peter.

Peter.

Peter?

Peter?

Who's making it?

Tumnis?

The one where you stick your finger in it and it goes.

It puffs an angel.

So just for the listener,

you were pretending to prod the bread and then you became the bread.

Yeah.

I was playing both roles.

You were playing both roles, yes.

I was playing me in a restaurant, putting my finger through the thin...

crusty well

through the thin what would you call it womb

I wouldn't call it that personally but I know what would you call it yes no your finger yes or Hyman thank you very much to the lady in the audience

so you put you put your finger through the the bread

through it yeah and then and then and then it ejaculates oh okay

an angel's ejaculate of steam right in your face you know the bread do you know the bread I'm talking about I know the bread you're talking about yes I know the one with the angel ejaculate come on what's number three?

How would you describe it then?

Yeah,

I'm not the one picking up with it.

I agree.

I think it's like a fresh pitcher.

I agree with all of this.

Have you been doing 300-odd episodes of this podcast and you haven't come across this before?

Well, neither of you, clearly.

You know the bread I'm talking about.

It's a big puffer thing.

They do it in the clay of the Bonito bread.

Bonito's just put on the screen.

It's called balloon bread, but it's definitely.

Oh, balloon bread, yes.

Yes.

That's what the Turkish call it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what they call their delicacy bread, balloon bread.

No, it is.

Yeah, I've heard that.

It's up like a balloon.

I've never seen it.

I've not tried it, no.

I mean, the way you've described it, I will never ever try it.

Because it involved the words hymen and angel ejaculate.

It's only at three, anyway.

A four.

It's only at number four.

Number three, there's a restaurant in New York called the Blue Ribbon on Sullivan Street in Soho that when you arrive as an amuse bush, they give you a loaf of bread.

Warm, home, as you arrive, and it's quite a late-night vibey sort of.

Does anybody know it in Soho and New York?

One person did not.

I don't know what the fuck they expected me to do with that whistle, but there we are.

Someone's lost their dog.

Anyway, so when you arrive, they give you a lot.

It's a fantastic vibey late-night restaurant.

When you say

as you arrive,

do they take your coats and stuff first?

or no no they just as you arrive you know like some restaurants might give you a glass of water or something or this they give you a loaf of warm homemade bread it's quite a late night vibey place i think they know you've probably had a few drinks

it's amazing anyway that's number three

number two yeah gotta be in any list of breads i think garlic bread

butt but with a massive butt come in yeah there is a big ass butt come in okay a big ass butt a big ass butt

a massive with a capital B.

A kind of B that if you laid it down in its front, a thong would disappear up it.

Do you think there's something sexual with bread going on with you, Russ?

Balloon bread is the only one I would have sex with.

Yeah.

We've never asked that question before.

We should start.

No.

I should add that.

Oh, it's the only one I would have sex with.

That's, but, hang on.

You said it's boiling hot

and it immediately deflates when you puncture it.

Call me Mr.

Common Sense, Brad.

Wait for it to cool down.

But is it not going to subside if it cools down?

And also, as soon as you make the hole, I believe it ejaculates.

So it's done.

If you give it 10 minutes, it's ready to go again.

Stick a film on.

But knowing you, you'll walk away and forget about it.

August rolls around.

You walk back in the kitchen half meant to fuck this.

Supposed to fuck this at Christmas.

Oh, Sean, I was meant to fuck this bread in New Year's Eve.

I was meant to fuck it.

I forgot.

Some garlic bread.

The big butt that's got big.

There's something that really winds me up about garlic bread.

Yeah.

And that is this.

Give me garlic baguette.

Give me garlic sourdoughy bread.

Give me chabata, cheabata, whatever you want.

Give me a fucking breadstick with a bulb of garlic cellataped to it.

Yeah

Give me one of those little breads that they have in church for the body of our Lord Jesus Christ

Dipped in lazy garlic they'd get more people in

do not give me do not fucking bring me a pizza-based garlic bread

No

Do not bring especially if I'm having pizza for my fucking men

Fuck off back through the fucking swingy doors Yeah, and smash it in the chef's face.

No, it's out.

It's fucking outrageous.

It is outrageous that in this day and age, when you're having a pizza as your main and they come out with the pizza garlic, really fucking winds me up, seriously.

I'm 100% on your side.

Are you?

100% on your side.

Yeah, when it's pizza as the main and the garlic bread is also a little pizza, you're like, come on, guys.

It's not even that little a pizza sometimes.

It's almost the same size.

And it's often like dry as fuck and it's just like, yeah, too crispy.

Yeah, I agree with you, Rod.

It's like seeing a trailer for the film you're about to see.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I don't want that back-to-back.

Nobody wants that.

No.

Nobody wants back-to-back pizzas.

What did you think about Peter K kicking that guy out of his gig for shouting garlic bread?

What did you think of that?

That was actually Rod.

He'd just come from an Italian restaurant.

Yeah.

Was it not connected with Peter K's material at all?

He was just really angry about getting a garlic bread pizza.

But he was listing all the garlic breads that he'd accept.

Didn't even get to the pizza-based one before he got garlic.

Well, I mean, you can come to my gig and shout garlic bread as long as it's not that fucking pizza one.

In which case, I will kick you out.

Well, the number one now, the number one

favourite bread that I believe is going to be for your dream menu.

This is going to be the one you have for the dream menu, is it?

Yeah, the one I'm choosing

is

a plain white sliced sandwich bread

with

the right amount of butter, no oils, no vinegars, no whole wheats, no granary, no seeds, no dusted in flour, no artisan.

It is a sandwich-type sliced white bread with the right amount of butter, not a twirl of white stuff that looks a bit like butter, the right amount of butter on a normal slice of white sandwich bread.

I could feel it bubbling.

You could feel it coming off.

It was popping off little bits in the moon throughout all of that.

With every detail you added.

What?

And it took one hero

Rod you listed four wildly superior breads you got us so excited one of them I chose the white came in your face

because when I was in hospital with cancer

no I wasn't no

no I just I just think I mean it to be fair it's best served with something with something like sausage egg, beans, and chips.

When you get that bread and butter with that, that's not my choice for mainstream or anything.

But when you get it with that, I think that bread and butter there

in that roll next to that plate cannot be beaten.

And I would have with it, if I could, instead of oils and vinegars, little bowls, I would have a little bowl of the stuff that would be left on the plate after that meat.

So like a little bit of bean juice.

A bit of bean juice or a little bowl of salt and vinegar.

Egg yolk, mate.

Oh, winning and bad.

So when in them bad.

Chunk the white bread and butter in the bean juice in the little salt and vinegar thing.

A bit of egg yolk maybe knocking around there.

Maybe a bit of egg yolk.

To be honest, yeah, with it, instead of oils and vinegars, I would just have a side plate of where somebody.

I was going to say where somebody'd eaten sausage egg.

It might as well be me.

It might as well be me.

It's got somebody else's plate where they've just left and I want.

So it says sausage, egg, bean and chip.

Yeah, so the grease of the sausage, the bit of yolk, a bit of bean juice, a bit of salt and bit of salt when have you eaten this last christmas recently but i would have to get somebody else to eat them okay so you polished them off well just because i'd be too full yeah yeah for practical reasons i would have to get someone in

and are you not in that scenario when you've got the sausage and the beans and everything on the plate and you've got that slice of bread

are you waiting until you've eaten all this to get the bread involved because for me I much prefer getting the bread involved as I'm eating everything else and getting it all in together.

Yeah, I do as well, but I haven't gone for any sausage, egg, beans, or chips in my menu.

No,

it's not too late to do that if you want to do it.

You could have it as part.

Joe what?

Because you love it so much as an accompaniment, I would be willing, I don't know about you, letting you have as your bread course sausage and beans

with that slice of bread.

I would, for your dream, let you have that.

I mean, it would have to be a good thing.

If you're going to do that, I mean, there's just no fucking rules whatsoever.

Popadoms or or bread?

Sausage egg, beans and chips with a slice of bread.

Come on.

I do sort of prefer Rod's notion of just having the

guest and then

wiping the plate, cleaning the plate with the bread.

That is why you are on that British menu programme.

We do have to love that.

Absolutely first time a guest has ever done that.

That we've bent the rules for them so they have something nicer and gone, without rules, where would we be as a society?

This is preposterous.

I don't want that.

I absolutely love it.

I think it helps to work within certain parameters.

Yeah, no, no, no, you should work within the parameters.

I imagine a lot of the audience would get annoyed if we did things like that.

Yeah, for example, if you had to find a Satsuma in a sock.

Oh, God.

Man, you did so well.

And instead,

you put a fucking tangerine in one and claimed that that was you finding it.

No, no, no.

Then how is that even let me talk you find where it is

let me talk you through what happened

fucking turn this up

let me talk you through if you want to go there if you want to go there

what happened was this

put the satsuma was it in this

find it find it

put it in the sock

find the satsuma

find the satsuma it was fine find the satsuma in the sock i thought ah i know the satsuma is in the kitchen wait

in the house, in the taskmaster house.

There's lots of stuff lying about.

I thought, all I have to do is go in there, get the satsuma, pop it in the sock.

When they then came out to the judging, I accidentally said tangerine.

And fucking hell, the shit I've had for that.

You wouldn't think it possible, the abuse I get in the street.

Yeah.

Do you know, when I was in hospital with cancer,

there was one nurse who wouldn't treat me because she said

I was refused chemo because you

horrible sarcastic nurse.

Mr.

Gilbert, I know you wanted us to find the cancer,

but I decided I'd put some in there instead

and accidentally stumble across that.

Does that count?

We couldn't find anything on your scan.

We're in a little tweak.

We've put a few lumps in.

Five points.

So that's what it was.

I said tangerine, and then of course, oh, it was a tangerine.

No, it wasn't.

It was a satsum I put in this hot.

But, you know, it is what it is.

It's water on the bridge, I think.

Water in the bridge.

Yeah.

I'm going to say that.

Sparkling water under the bridge, James.

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Your dream starter, Rod Gilberts.

My dream starter.

This is where I need my notes.

I got no idea.

Well, yes, I do.

I tell you what it is, and I never have it.

I never, ever, ever,

ever have it.

Big intro.

I would never ever order it.

Okay.

Intrigued to see where this goes, Rod.

Well, I would never order it because it's never as good as I think it could be in my head.

Okay.

And it's going to sound shit.

And

it's going to, I mean, it's going to get booed like this.

It's going to get booed, but it's like a palmer ham and melon or prosciutto and...

It's too...

Yeah, I mean, I'd boo it myself if I was sat out there.

But it's never as good as I think it could be, so I don't order it.

So on the dream menu, do you want exactly?

So, I want it to its full potential.

I want it, I want it to its full potential.

I'll tell you what, let's sit down.

It's not the ham's fault.

What is that?

What's up there?

Ham.

Ham.

Ham?

There's a lady up there called Ham.

A lady called Ham?

Yes.

That's a pretty name.

Yeah, it's lovely.

It's not the ham's fault.

No.

No, it's the fucking melon's fault.

Has to be by process of elimination.

Because the melon,

the melon is never

like exactly.

I'm obsessed with melon, right?

Although,

I googled this before I came on because I had the wrong type of.

I thought the melon I loved was honeydew.

It's the orange flesh one.

But it's cantaloupe.

But I, yeah, so all my life I've got the wrong.

I've called the wrong melon the wrong.

Ah, whatever, shoot me.

I've called the wrong melon the wrong melon.

I've always thought cantaloupe was the one I loved, the orange flesh one.

That's not.

It's easy.

It's easy to say.

No, it is.

It is.

It's easy to say the wrong fruit name.

Yeah, so honeydew is the.

It's easily done.

It's easily done.

I think what I have demonstrated is how easily done it is.

Yeah.

It's exactly what I've done, demonstrated how easily done it is.

What sort of melon do they put with the palm of ham when you've had?

So it would be what I think of it.

So a cantaloupe.

Yeah.

Orange.

The orange flesh.

Yeah.

Yes.

Now that is never perfect.

It's always like a little too hard or a little.

But

choosing a melon is difficult.

A ripe melon, the right ripeness of melon.

You've got to go to the supermarket and you've got to choose a melon.

When I lived lived in France in the 80s for a year, I was doing a French course

and I was in France for it.

And somebody taught me to...

You've got to like, you've got to find the...

That's a banana.

I don't know.

Could you reach out?

There's no melon here.

I just reached for the most fruit-like thing.

And the banana.

You've got to find...

What is it?

It's like the anus of the melon.

G-spot?

Yeah.

That's what you mean?

There's a spot, there's a G-spot, like an anus on a melon.

One end of it's got a little stalk

and the other end

It's like an anus.

I honestly think you've got a real problem, Rod.

It's got to be a little bit of give on that.

Don't look at me when you say that.

Look at me.

Yeah, yeah.

Direct it all here.

You don't want your thumb to go in.

Yeah.

But you want a bit of give.

A bit of elasticity.

Yeah.

And getting that right is really hard.

And of course, you're not allowed to do that in a restaurant.

If you say, can I have a little go on the melon's anus?

Well, this is the dream restaurant, Rod.

We can bring you back to the kitchen and you can feel as many melon anuses as you please.

In the dream restaurant, I'm imagining that you have someone who can, they can take all the anus work out of it for me

and bring me the perfectly ripe cantaloupe melon with the palmahan ham, which I got no problem with.

So they could bring me that.

I um

I don't know whether I should tell you this.

I mean, I mean,

this definitely is not going in the podcast.

I'll say that.

You've just been prodding melan anuses for about five minutes.

I can't imagine what you're about to say next

that is going to get you cut out of the podcast.

I

we

get your mic ready to defend yourself.

I lost a piece of melon once.

Yeah.

That's all I'm going to say.

Was it about

your person or about someone else's person?

I can't divulge that.

Is this connected with you being forgetful?

No.

It was just one of those...

we've all experimented with

we've all experimented in a sort of nine and a half weeks way with food

don't tell me you haven't experimented in a nine and a half weeks way with food at Gamble

Gamble by name

You've experimented with food in a nine and a half weeks way, James A.

Custer.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

We've all experimented with food in the market.

Yeah, yeah.

Give me a cheer if you've experimented with food.

Wow.

They all have.

And at the end, we did a food audit and there was one bit missing.

One of the bits of melon that was there at the start

wasn't there at the end.

I just love you starting by counting them all.

Like an operation.

I like to think that the melon was just resting in your anus thinking sweet revenge.

That's what you get for prodding mine in the supermarket.

Disappeared.

Gone.

Gone.

Nine and a half weeks later, I didn't came.

I didn't.

In the argument.

Never saw it again.

Never saw it.

No, I never saw it again.

Hide nor hair of it.

Do you want that to be brought out of the dream restaurant?

Like a...

Like someone from this is your life yeah

do you recognize this voice rod

and if you haven't seen the melon since that day

i believe in miracles

rod your dream main course dream main course right context yep i can't decide what to have ever okay

like i really struggle with indecision, and I get food envy.

Maybe it goes back to FHB, right?

Maybe that goes back to like there not being enough food to go around.

But I can't decide.

So, if I'm in a, if we're in a restaurant,

I'll make excuses.

I'll have a look at every, I literally wander around, I'll make excuses to go to the loo, I'll make excuses to go and have a look at like a picture on the wall, so I can have a look at what other people have.

I get terrible food envy,

and I can never make up my mind.

It's because there's a lot of stress, there's a lot lot of stress on eating out is a big thing.

You want to get it fucking right.

So I want to get, you know, I want to get the best thing on the menu.

I don't want to fuck it up.

And so I

quite often order several things.

Okay, is that what you're going to do today then?

Are you going to order?

So that's what I would do today, but I would just say,

laws of rules.

What sort of society would we be in?

I would take it a little bit further than I normally do.

Okay.

So, I've gone for, I might get a boo, might be a bit boring, but I've gone for, I think as you get older, you just crave spice.

I'm not imagining being in a restaurant with you, and I'm so annoyed.

So annoyed.

Because even now,

every time you get to a point where you think he's going to say a food, you go, oh, just completely fucking ping off in a different direction.

Next time I do your podcast, I'll just fucking print it out and email it to you, you friend.

I thought you wanted a bit of chat around the food.

Chat podcast.

Just

print it out and slide it across to you and then you can just fucking read it out yourself.

I mean the day where we are able to do that, I can't wait.

Just everyone signs up to a mailing list, we just email it to him, that's what he wanted.

I like hot food, I like a curry, I've gone really boring, I've gone for a madras.

But

and here's the but.

I can never make a under in the madras it'll say a description of the madras, wouldn't it?

thick hot spicy sword and underneath it'll say choose from prawn uh chicken beef lamb

yeah i'm not choosing

i want all of the below

so i want a prawn lamb beef chicken veg

madras wow

that's pretty cool yeah

I like that.

Every mouthful's a surprise.

Yeah.

Every mouthful.

Well, I haven't worked out whether I want it all all in one dish.

Because the sauce would be the same, but it'd bring in different flavours, aren't they?

So you almost want little separate dishes?

I think I'd have to have a separate little bowl of each, I think.

Tiny little ones, so then you can go and flex and say you've eaten every animal.

Yeah.

Any other animals that you want to put in there, Rod?

Well,

I would have it with special fried rice, which has got king prawn, lamb, prawn, beef.

Because I can't make up my mind what rice I want either.

So luckily, restaurants have catered for that with special fried rice, which has just got everything in it.

I like spicy food.

And as you get older, like when I was in my 20s and 30s, I remember enjoying a curry or a chili or something, but I didn't like put Tabasco sauce on everything and add chili flakes to everything.

I think as you get older, I don't know whether your taste buds just get a bit less effective or whatever.

I found myself spicing shit up a lot.

And this is this is

okay

After coming through the cancer thing, right?

I won't dwell on this, I'll just keep it brief, right?

But I was on a feed-in tube for a long time, and I couldn't eat and I couldn't drink and I was on, it was five hours in the night, seven hours overnight being fed through a tube.

It's pretty miserable, right?

So when I was better, you know, thank you, NHS and wonderful doctors, when I got better, I uh

um

I decided, I thought, well, you know, I miss,

I'd missed food and taste and eating and, you know, I'd missed life.

So I thought, right, I'm gonna go and have a curry and i thought i'm gonna risk because i'd also had my gallbladder out

so i thought i'm gonna risk having that meant to happen

but they meant to happen that was that wasn't part of the deal with

but i so i had cancer and then i also had gallbladder infections and things and gallstone so i had to add that that out as well right on top of it so i was in a bad way but then when i was when i came through it i i thought i'm gonna go out for a meal with friends you know which i haven't done and i'm gonna i try a curry which i haven't done

and i'm gonna going to try a madras, which I definitely haven't done.

And I got through it, and it was fine, and I couldn't really taste a lot, but it was a nice evening and everything, right?

And then the next day, I said to Sean, I'm going to take the dog for a walk.

And then,

about an hour later, I walked into the house with Rosie, our dog, on the lead,

and I was completely naked.

And Sean went, Where the fuck have you been?

And I said, I've been walking the dogs.

But halfway home, I started to panic

halfway home.

And then I started running with the dog on the lead.

And that's, well, I realise now it's one of the worst things you can do.

And five minutes from the house, I just exploded.

Exploded into my

trousers.

Into your trousers, yeah.

And it was it was coming down my leg.

And

you know that scene in the Great Escape where they're

where they're just kicking out the earth they've done from the bottom of their trousers, and it goes out over their shoe.

And then my dog started eating it.

I'm in the fucking road at this point.

So I.

It's a quiet area.

We live in a rural area.

Thank God.

I got undressed.

Why did you get completely naked?

I got...

I took my boots off.

They were ruined this room in a hedge.

You know what?

Trousers in a hedge.

I understand everything on the lower half.

Red.

You getting rid of.

By the time I'd got that stuff off, everything else was compromised.

So I threw it.

So the act of removing the stuff on the lower half tainted the top half

transference.

Yeah.

Also,

in Rod's defence,

I'd think it was weirder to see someone with just a t-shirt on.

Oh, this Winnie the Pooh motherfucker.

If they're completely naked, I'd be like, well, that's a lifestyle choice.

We live in a rural area.

Just out walking his dog.

But, yeah, someone with just a a t-shirt.

I threw all my clothes in the hedge.

Just in the hedge.

Great.

And then...

Do you have any name in the labels?

I hosed, I got to the garden, hosed myself down head to foot

with a garden hose outside kind of thing, and then came into the house naked with the dog still on a leash.

And Sean went, where the fuck have you been?

So that was my first madras back.

So just to check, check, you want a madras for your dream

main course.

I know, it hasn't put me off.

Yeah, that's amazing that it hasn't put me off.

It is amazing.

That reminded me of a story that I've heard about you, but never talked to you about, so I don't know if it's true.

I think all comics tell each other this story because it's a funny story.

And there's loads of stories of comedians having gigs that other comedians tell each other, but you never get to speak to the person.

Which one is it?

You on stage at the comedy store.

Yeah.

and the story goes that you had been unwell.

You went on stage, you shit yourself on stage, and then you said to the audience, I'm sorry, I'm quite sorry, I'm going to have to go.

I've shit myself.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

No.

You don't say the bit at the end.

Is this how conversation works?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

No.

Okay.

I did.

Charlotte, who is my agent, still my agent.

But now.

And

Charlotte used to work at the comedy store, and they were my agents.

But the reason they became my agents was, yeah, years ago, I was only doing 10 minutes at the comedy store.

So I was quite an early days of my career.

And I had food poisoning.

But it's a comedy store, right?

It's a big, at that point, you know, it's like the gig everybody wants to get, wasn't it?

It's a big gig.

It's a big, you know, it's a big exciting thing.

Your first 10 minutes, you get to try out in front of Don Ward, who ran the comedy store and everything, you know.

And

so I thought, I've got to have to do it.

I'm going to have to do it.

And I went on stage, and after seven minutes,

yes, I had food poisoning, and I shafted myself in front of 500 people.

Didn't go down the leg and over the shoe.

Front row starts eating it.

Just shat myself.

And after seven minutes, and you know how important it is, if you're doing 10 minutes at the comedy store, they put a red light on for you at like nine minutes or whenever you've recorded.

You get off at 10.

I think Think how often to mine.

Not ten and a half, not eleven, not nine, you get off at ten, right?

Seven minutes, I thought I've shot myself.

So, but I kept going and I did, I did about eight, and I thought, this is ridiculous.

I said, come on, have some fucking respect.

So I sort of shuffle off through the door at the back of the stage.

And Don Ward, you know, the guy who set up the company, who runs the comedy store,

he came back and he went, hmm, you only did eight minutes, my boy.

And I said, I'm really sorry, but I've shat my trousers.

I don't think I did tell the audience.

But what did happen was I said, I'm really sorry, I've shat myself.

And he went, on stage?

I went, yeah.

He went, and you still did eight minutes.

I went, yeah.

And he went, have you got an agent?

And he signed me up

on the back of that

on the basis that I had persevered.

I've been satisfied.

And I've been with the same management ever since.

I have another story to ask you about, Rod, while we're on stories.

It's it's shitting myself.

It's not shitting yourself.

It's food-based, though.

Is it true that once you and Greg Davis were doing gigs abroad, and you'd been out all night, you know, out all night drinking, and I think you were having breakfast maybe in a casino or a hotel or something?

It wasn't a casino, it was a bar.

A bar.

And there was another man who you didn't know who was.

German guy.

Yeah.

So this is true?

Yes.

Rod, please will you tell the story?

Well,

we were in Hong Kong, I think, and we'd been...

Sometimes those gigs

can be a bit of a party city and you're abroad and a bit giddy.

And we went out to her every night.

And on the final night, we thought we can't do it again.

We're just going to do the gig and go have an early night and stuff.

And then somebody suggested having a sea breeze cocktail, which I think is like a lot of juices, pineapple and grapefruit and stuff.

Vodka's, I don't, I don't anyway, half an hour later we were flying

and ended up on the biggest night that we'd had.

And it was about seven o'clock the next morning and we and we were being quite we were being quite sort of, I think there's one point we were spitting wine in each other's faces.

It was all a bit it all got a bit much.

It all got a bit boredy and a bit much and we were just so drunk and so like off.

And yeah, I can remember him leaning over me, spitting wine into my face.

And then, yeah, a really vague memory of a German man who thought every bar we went to, he was there, and every time we walked in, he'd go, Hello, boys!

All night.

That's my only memory of this guy.

And then in the morning, we went to like a bar that was also doing breakfast, and he was in there over a full breakfast, but just asleep.

So his face was about six inches from the breakfast,

and bit by bit, me and Greg just went up and took a piece.

So I'd go up and lick a sausage, and then

Greg would go up, and Greg could go up and like, you know, when you see a cat in a cartoon taking a slight ration of bacon out, and it just sort of slides across the bread.

And then you stop because you think he's going to wake up.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

And we lit and took it, and then he woke up, and there was completely empty plates of it.

But yeah, happy days.

Your dream side dish.

Well, I am a big fan of potatoes.

But again, I can't choose.

Dream restaurant, why should I have to?

So if we go out, if Shannon I go out, I will frequently, and I do do this, I will frequently not just have two or three mains, but I will frequently have two or three sides.

Right.

So for example, I think the last place we went out was somewhere like Code, right?

And I will have a steak or something, but then I had chips, mash,

and potato dauphin noise.

So I will frequently have mash, chips, and potato dauphin noise with the thing.

So what?

In my dream restaurant, I would lob in potatas bravas.

Something in Wales that we call tato flats, sort of thin, thin, sort of pan-fried potatoes, maybe a little bit of garlic on them, maybe.

So I would have five potato side dishes.

Very potato.

I agree with you.

You've got no other kinds of potato.

You've got the little pots of curry with different

meats and vegetables.

Yeah, I think I've got a special fried rice from.

Oh, we've got a song about this.

Have you actually?

Have you actually got a song about this?

Well, we've got a song about a Chinese restaurant in Kamalan.

Okay, can we just chat?

Sean?

I'd say someone saying, I've got a song about a Chinese restaurant never ends well.

Yes.

We're going to go to magic walk.

We're going to go to

magic walk.

We're going to go to magic walk.

You'll never guess which takeaway it is.

Is that to the tune of a magic?

I bet you, Sean is joining in, matey.

We're gonna go to mad.

What tune is it, though?

Animal Hospital.

It's the tune of Animal Hospital.

Animal Hospital!

It's the Jamal Hospital.

That's the tune.

The theme tune of Animal Hospital.

We're going to

go to the magic.

What?

I think actually.

That was actually in our wedding vows.

That song was in our wedding vows.

Yeah.

What's the shit wedding, honestly?

Rod,

Rod, you just repeated that like you had no memory of it whatsoever.

Forgetful.

You are in a home.

And she has visited you and said, that was in our wedding.

Our wedding vows.

What did I tell you?

You, wife.

Just completely naked again.

He's a forgetful guy.

What's your wife?

He walked out and then forgot what was going on.

Yeah.

Forgetful, I told you, forgetful.

I'd forgotten that song was in our wedding.

Who, Sean, was it you or Rod or both of you who sung it at the wedding?

We didn't sing it.

Somebody quoted it.

The celebrant?

The celebrant said, and do you vow to go to Magic Walk?

We're going to go to Magic Walk.

She said something about.

We're going to Magic Walk.

Do you...

What was it?

Do you promise to love each other forever, even though you sing the Magic Walk song?

That's lovely.

That's the sort of thing I'd remember, I reckon.

Love you forever?

Fuck off.

I never said that.

Are you embarrassing me in front of the old palladium?

Give me a puff of bread.

I'm gonna shag it so I feel like a man again.

You bend over, you pass me a melon.

Bloody humiliating.

What's your

best dishes at Magic Wok?

Well, it's shutting it.

What an awful lot of it.

It's not even still open.

And also, it's not even my favorite restaurant in Kamaran.

My favorite Chinese restaurant in Kamarlan is the Kuang Yik, where I had my first Chinese food when I was a teenager.

So that's your favorite restaurant.

My favorite takeaway Chinese.

My favorite sit-down Chinese.

Now that's a different question if that's what you're asking.

My favorite sit-down Chinese, we call it happy birthday Chinese.

It's because they do a birthday.

Boy, do they do a birthday.

Every 90 seconds, a fucking birthday.

Like planes into Heathrow, happy birthday.

And

not just the owners or the waiter, it is the kitchen staff come out.

The place kicks off.

I've been going there for 30 plus years.

Is that magic work?

No.

This is Maxim in Northfields in London.

Same two guys run it.

They've been there since the 90s.

Little Lloyd Langford and I used to go there back in the 90s when we lived on the corner.

Still going.

We still go there, don't we, love?

She's gone.

Still go there, especially on a birthday.

They love a birthday.

Plus, they've got a cake that is a unicorn cake that they bring out sometimes that is, well,

I mean, it's just a cake with a dildo stuck on it.

It's not.

It's not.

It's a unicorn cake, but it looks like when they first brought it out, everybody thought, why are they bringing out a cake with a dildo?

Oh, oh, it's a unicorn cake, I said.

It's quite sweet.

That's my favorite sit-down Chinese.

Why are we talking about this?

Hang on, let me work backwards.

Magic walk, song about it.

Wedding vows, back before that.

Side dishes.

How do we get onto this?

My side dishes are all potato-based.

Oh, man.

This is actually quite a tragic episode, really.

I honestly have no idea

how we get it.

This is more confusing than inception.

Just going back through the layers and trying to find how the hell.

It's like memento, isn't isn't it?

It is like memento.

However, Christopher Nolan films.

You said you were going to have a film.

I've got no idea.

You said you were going to have fried rice as well, Rod.

Oh, yes!

So I think I...

Yes, I got it.

I got this, everyone.

So I'm going to have a plate of special fried rice, probably from Maxim's.

I'm sitting down.

Probably some Maxim in North Fields, near South Ealing in West London.

Then I'm going to have a little pot of Prawl Madras, beef madras, lamb madras, chicken madras, veggie madras,

with a sides of chips, skin on and fries,

mash, potato dauphinoirs, patatas bravas, tato flats.

I like that, lovely.

It was quite a busy table.

It is a busy table.

Luckily, they've got a lazy Susan in Maxim.

I can just keep it going.

Would you like it to be someone's birthday if you're in happy birthday, Chinese?

It's always someone's birthday and happy birthday, Chinese.

Whose birthday would you like it to be?

I feel like I've got to say yours now.

I would like it to be my lovely wife, Sean's.

Because we do.

Love you forever, baby.

Love you forever, darling.

We do go there every birthday, baby.

I was going to say once a year.

So you go for your birthdays as well.

Yeah, we do go for my birthdays.

And so you've had the birthday.

But we relax there on Sean's birthday.

Do you go there twice a year?

You go there twice a year?

We go there more than twice a year.

We go there

whenever there's a birthday.

But only once per birthday.

Because we don't just go there for my birthday.

You said once a year before.

No, we go there once a year for Sean's birthday.

Once a year for my birthday, and then sometimes other people.

I wasn't...

No one thought you were going there twice a year for Sean's birthday.

That would be fucking insanity, Rod.

Time for visit too.

Happy birthday, Chinese.

So you go once a year for Sean's birthday.

Yeah.

Once a year for your birthday.

Yeah.

Any other times?

Yeah.

Are they people's birthdays?

Yeah.

Whose birthdays?

Well,

lots of our friends, Greg, for example, they also enjoy it now.

Once I took Lloyd Langford, who I'm not sure if you know Lloyd Langford, he's a great friend of ours and

a wonderful comedian based in Australia.

But I once took him there.

It wasn't his birthday, but we told him that it was.

That fucking

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Your dream drink, Rod.

That's a hard.

It's too hard.

Yeah.

It's too hard to have one drink that goes with all the courses.

Yeah.

Can I have a drink with each course?

Yep.

Yeah, we've let people do that before.

We've done it before when we chose our menus.

Aperitif, sea breeze to get me in the fucking mood.

Yeah.

If I'm going to eat this hot, I am going to need some energy from somewhere.

And that stuff, not only Red Bull nicked it, gives you wings.

Sea breeze gives you wings and

crow's feet.

Sea breeze gives you wings.

That's how crazy it is.

And crow's feet, yes.

Wings and crow's feet.

That's how much you fly when you're on sea breeze.

How much do you think the feet are the thing helping the crow fly?

There's

less wind resistance.

With crow's feet than there are with a big old pair of trainers like that for example

Yeah, you agree about that.

I can't argue with that.

If a crow was wearing my trainers, it wouldn't fly as fast.

Good luck flying with them on, Ed.

You stick them on a crow and

see how well it flies.

Yeah, I'm sorry,

do you think you're going to fucking fly?

Because you're not, not wearing them.

Well, you think you can still fly with them on?

You fucking dream.

You're fucking dreaming.

You are dreaming.

What are we talking about?

This school wants to fly.

The sea breeze gives you wings.

These fucking trainers.

And they're garish.

They are garish, yeah.

They're garish.

That's the crow talking.

Don't shoot the messenger.

Yeah, that's his crow character.

The crow says some very mean things.

He'll have to forgive the crow.

What colour are a crow's feet?

What colour are a crow's feet?

Yeah, purple.

That was morph.

Morv.

Morv.

But he looked at me, I said said purple, he looked at me like I'd got it slightly wrong.

So I went for morph.

That's true.

I don't know what colour a crow's feet are.

Crimson.

Crimson, thank you.

It's quite garish.

Crimson, yeah.

Roger, you wanted a sea breeze because it gives you wings.

Sea breeze, a pair of tief.

A pair of tief.

Then what are we on to then?

Sparkling water throughout, please.

Yep.

A fizzy water.

What's next?

Starters?

Yep.

Forget it, I'd be too busy looking for the melon.

Already this is absolutely pointless.

This video.

video.

You can have a drink with every course by the starter.

Forget that.

Don't want that.

Actually,

I'm not my main either.

I've got more important things to worry about.

What was next?

Mains?

Or like a cobra or a kingfisher with a curry?

Yeah.

Kingfisher, yeah.

Which one, though?

That's an important choice, the cobra or kingfisher.

Is it?

I can't tell the difference.

Is there a big difference?

Between a cobra and a kingfisher?

Don't think a cobra can fly, mate.

And it doesn't even have feet.

Cobra.

Cobra, lovely.

Yeah, good on you.

Is that the right choice?

I love Cobra so much.

That's the curry done.

Oh, that's it.

So we're up to...

So you've had one drink.

You've basically added one extra one.

Sea breeze.

Sea breeze.

You've got a sea breeze

and a cobra.

That's all.

Sea breeze, sparkly water, cobra.

The sparkly water you already had in the water course.

So is the cobra your dream drink or do you want to add another drink?

God, that's a difficult question.

Can't I have a dream drink with each course?

Have I misunderstood the.

It's people walking out.

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

I did not pay to see somebody try and grasp the concept.

See you, Sean.

Love you forever.

I didn't understand the question.

No, I think you're fine because you wanted a drink with every course, so we're fine.

We're sorted apart from starters.

So we've got the sea breeze, we've got the sparkling water, and we've got...

Yes, I don't want a drink with my starter.

Yeah, lovely.

It's fine.

Yeah, no, we all remember that.

Don't want one with your starter.

You're forcing drinks on people.

You basically...

I'm not worried about people who force drinks on people, Ed.

You would like in a pair of teeth, is what you mean.

Yeah.

Oh, no, because I'll have a different drink with my dessert.

Oh, yeah, so that's something to look forward to.

When we eventually get to dessert.

Yeah, when we eventually get to dessert.

um

should be anytime now.

What is your dream dessert?

Might as well

instead of when people are leaving for their trains, we should probably say

the dream dessert while we're here.

If it would help people with public transport, I can skip dessert.

No,

they won't be able to sleep tonight.

Some people have flown here from America.

Why?

Your dream dessert, Rod Gilbert.

Honourable mention,

honourable mention to affogato

lovely

and a dam blanche.

What?

A pardon?

A dam blanche.

I don't know what that is.

It's like a fre it's a French ice cream dessert with vanilla ice cream and chocolate, hot chocolate sauce.

Very simple, but done well.

Very good.

It would have been, two years ago, it would have been a really nice rice pudding with a skin.

But it's been ruined for me because

this is gallbladder related.

Not me this time.

Worse?

Yeah.

So much worse.

Where's this going?

Someone else's gallbladder has ruined food for you.

Yes.

So context, couldn't eat, couldn't drink, being fed by a tube, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

In hospital, eventually had my gallbladder out, was able to eat again.

Day one of being able to eat, I ordered in the hospital a lovely rice pudding.

But I was on a gastro ward

with approximately 35 people all with dicky tummies.

So my rice pudding arrived and I was happily eating away and then the guy whose name I won't mention in the bed next to me pulled his alarm thing

and nurses ran over, whizzed the curtain round

and I didn't see what was happening.

But when you're one meter away

from three people lifting a man onto a commode, you don't need to see much.

And that man,

that man absolutely just, you know, that Damandama, you know that scene in Damundama?

Yeah.

It was, it was, I was eating my iceberry and all I could hear, one meeting, I could have reached out and put my hand on his shoulder through the curtains.

All I could hear was,

Why was he screaming for the nurse if she was there already?

It was squealing, screaming, and

the most prolonged.

You wouldn't think that it was possible to fart for that long

without any.

So I...

What do you mean?

I was in the middle of my rice pudding.

This is one meter away.

When you say fart for that long with no...

Well, without the noise stopping.

okay i thought you didn't start timing it i wish i'd started timing it at the start

i thought you meant he was just farting no no no he was on a commode ex but exploding but with one sustaining where that can is but there was just a curtain between us and i was sitting in my chair with this rice pudding so i grabbed my uv my iv not like you

went to see if there was anything else

i grabbed my ivy drip and took my rice pudding and and shuffled out and went in out of the ward into the corridor and I ducked into the toilet where I ate my rice pudding

standing up not in the cubicle just standing leaning against the sink just I ate my rice pudding can you see yourself in the mirror at this point as well no I had my back to the mirror okay

and then when I came out I finished the rice pudding it was quiet in there there was nobody else in there it was great and then when I came out immediately to the right of where I was there was like a day room with the comfortable chairs and a TV on and people watching

people eating rice pudding,

watching bargaining or whatever there was.

So it's not rice pudding.

No.

No.

God, no.

Weirdly.

But was that an honourable mention?

No, it didn't get an honourable mention.

It didn't feel very good.

So two years ago, it would have been rice pudding.

Honourable mention, Affogato and Dan Blanche.

My winner, and I'm going to have to read this because I've wrote it down.

I tell you what, I would say that if I'd experienced that story, you just told, Affogato and Dan Blanche would be out too.

My winner, I don't know if anyone's going to have heard of this.

Give me a cheer if you've heard of this.

It's Torija de la Baquería Conellado de Monte Carlo.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Someone else over there.

No.

Someone over there has?

Torija.

Torija.

Sin.

I had one last week.

Where?

In Spain.

Story checks out.

Don't get cocky.

Where in Spain?

Malaga, where I live.

You live in Malaga?

You've flown here just for this gig?

Is anyone here from England?

Yeah, I'm here for all four.

You're here for all four of them?

You sad fucker.

Sorry, I'm late.

Thank you, we appreciate your custom.

I mean, thank you, you're welcome.

I came on my own.

You came on your own?

Obviously.

Don't worry, Rod won't be here tomorrow.

Hey, Juan, Juan, do you fancy flying over to the UK to watch the same show four nights in a row?

No.

Rod, it is not going to be the same show tomorrow night, mate.

You know what I mean.

You know what I mean.

Torisha, see.

Did you like it?

Loved it.

Loved it.

How would you describe it?

Kind of like

French toast always.

That thing's kicking off at the back.

What?

It's like a.

Eggie custody bready.

Eggy custody bready.

Right.

I googled it because I wanted to know what it was.

It's the best thing I've ever experienced.

Okay.

I had my...

Sorry, Sian.

Those bowels go down the toilet pretty fast.

Sean was there too, and she would agree that it's the best thing she's ever experienced.

Would you not, Sian?

When was this?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Right, listen, listen, there's a problem.

There's a problem here.

There's a problem here.

You don't.

You're not recognising the name Torika, but if I said to you, that kind of bread and butter pudding we had in Alicante served in a cow.

Sing the song.

Was it the thing?

Was it served in a cow?

The one that was served in the China cow.

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay.

Not ringing any bells, Rod.

Yeah, that was really nice.

It was served in a China cow?

Yeah.

Really nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, she doesn't.

What we've established tonight, Rod, is that you and your wife share no happy memories.

We went to Alicante.

We went to a restaurant called La Taberna del Gourme.

I will pay for you both to go there to try this thing.

It's a bit like...

Sorry, what?

It's a...

Yeah, I will.

I will.

Don't listen to Sean.

It's quite nice.

It's not quite nice.

It's like,

this is what it is.

It's stale bread soaked in citizens.

You were the first poem to go there.

I'll pay for you both to go there to try this dish.

Okay.

I will pay for you to go there, hotels, try this dish, and you will come back and you will, honestly,

you will never be the same again.

Rod, you know, we've shut up.

We make our own money now.

I know, but I want you to try it on me, a gift.

Thank you.

A gift.

This is what it is, technically.

Stale bread soaked in citrus-infused custard/slash milk, fried and sweetened.

It's sort of a cross between fried bread, creme brulee, bread and butter pudding, French toast.

It is fucking, and the one I had, we had, was served in a china cow,

right, with a little pail hanging off its horn, horn, and the ice cream was in that.

Elado is ice cream, so it's called Elado de Manticado.

Manticado is like a egg-based custardy, vanilla-y, nutmeg-y, cinnamon-y ice cream.

It is fucking mind-passable.

Beautiful.

It is

quite nice.

Quite nice.

We raved about that dizzy.

We had a song about it.

It's the most remarkable thing I have ever had in my mouth, and I've had mouth cancer.

Well I hope you gave the chef that compliment.

I said this is the most memorable thing I have ever had in my mouth and I've had mouth cancer.

Well I've had I think I've had this I didn't know it was called this but when I was in the Basque country I had basically exactly what you've described but with a different type of ice cream and it was my dream dessert when we last did our dream menus.

It was your dream dessert?

Yeah it was amazing.

I just said it was the French toast that I had in that place, but it was like brulee on the outside.

It was definitely like soaked in like a lemony thing in the middle.

It was like scooping ice cream, the French toast.

It was so soft and smooth.

It's incredible.

There's footage of me eating it with Joe Lysett and both of us are dancing as we're eating it, not trying to be funny.

It just is making us do that.

It wasn't served in a cow, which I'm gutted about now to just discover that that was an option.

But I agree it's phenomenal.

And apparently, that place

shouted out on the podcast.

Obviously, Joe and I went there for Travelman, and some friends of mine went there to have the dessert when they were on holiday.

And as they were ordering it, the waiter was like,

and they went, You're right.

And they went, Every English person fucking orders

because of that Travelman show.

They keep on coming in and ordering this.

We'll keep making it all the fucking time.

That's why it's so good.

That's why I said I would like to.

I'll I'd pay for you all to go there

and try it.

I will.

We're going to Helicator!

What an end to the show if we've got a couple of things.

Another cake for you guys.

That'll be the highlight of that one.

Yeah.

The whole plane is there.

Stess comes down going, what would everyone like to drink?

Fizziwada!

It is.

You will...

Just ejaculate immediately.

Fantastic.

Like an angel.

The whole restaurant was.

Everybody was just ejaculating everywhere.

Wow, well, everyone.

And you don't remember this, Sean.

How do you not remember the?

Do you remember the restaurant with the arcs of spunk?

Everything just.

It was like that tomato festival with spunk.

Sounds memorable.

And you don't remember it.

That's dear.

She remembers it.

She just said it was quite nice.

It isn't quite.

It's fun.

I cannot express to you how wonderful.

It is.

Also, with it, I would have a jug.

I would have a pint of cream because

a pint, a pint of.

When I was a teenager, I used to go, my first girlfriend and I, when we were

just in that teens where you get, you start to drive, you get a bit independent, you start to go out for meals together rather than with your family.

And we were both really into cream, don't you?

And we, with everywhere we went, whatever dessert, we would order like a jug of cream with it.

And I still absolutely am obsessed with cream.

Any cream, whipped cream, single cream, double cream, sour cream, creme fresh.

You name a cream, I love it.

Squirrel tea, anything.

Sun cream?

Listen, I'm right behind sun cream.

And is the pint of cream your drink that you're having with the dessert?

Is there a what?

Sorry?

Sorry.

It's my urinate.

Sorry.

Oh, I know, but it's still funny.

Or is the pint of cream.

The drink that you're having with the dessert?

No.

No.

He's asking you about the drink, Rod.

bruce forsyth is buried here you know

what drink would you like my old school chum

prefects together we were me and brucie

i'm gonna lead your menu back to you now rod and see how you feel about it by the way the drink with dessert is two bottles of baileys and a bag of ice anyway

ice bag of ice and what what you're fucking doing it now.

Bag of ice, so dear.

Bag of rice, dear.

What was a bag of rice?

I thought your mum was making it.

Fit for a king.

You would like sparkling water.

You would like plain white sliced sandwich bread with the right amount of butter and a little bowl of the stuff that's left on the plate.

You would like palma ham and the perfectly ripe cantaloupe melon.

Main course, prawn lamb, chicken, beef, veg madras in separate bowls and special fried rice from Maxim.

Side dish, mash, chips, skin on fries, skin on an fries, potato dough from

potatoes brabas and tateau flats.

Tateau flats.

Tateau flats.

Pretty sure I said that.

Looking forward to hearing you do the dessert, James.

Let's really hear it as well.

Drink a sea breeze as you're a pair of teeth and a cobra with your curry.

Dessert.

Here we go.

Quiet, everyone, please.

Torriga.

No.

Torija.

No.

Torija?

No.

Torika.

Harima.

Torika.

Torika, Casera, de Brioche.

No, no, no, no, no.

De Brioche, conhalado de

Mantecado

from La Terpen Tapana del Gourmet in Alicante.

You know, I said I'd like to fly you both there.

Yeah.

Can I definitely come with you?

Fuck me, I want to hear this abroad.

Absolutely, Rod, you can come with us.

And you'd like a pint of cream with that.

And two bottles of Bayleys and a bag of ice.

The off-menu menu of Rod Gil Gilbert!

I think it's a fantastic menu, Rod.

The only person who's picked a main course that made them violently shit themselves.

Yeah, it's interesting that that didn't put me off, but the guy in the next bed, having dined here, did put me off rice pudding.

Interesting, that.

Give it over, Rod Gilman.

Thank you for coming, everyone.

Bye-bye.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye-bye.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

It'd be brilliant.

There we are, James.

What a night that was with Rod.

What an absolute treat.

Thank you so much, Rod, and thank you to the audience as well.

Yes, thank you, Rod, for not saying Battenberg.

We could keep you on the Palladium grounds.

Yes.

And it gives us an opportunity to remind all of you listening that Rod is on tour now with Rod Gilbert and the giant grapefruit, including a date at the Aventim Apollo Hammersmith in London on the 12th of June.

Rod GilbertComedian.com for tickets.

But he's not the only one doing live shows, James.

No, we are as well.

We're bringing off menu live the tasting menus to the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026.

Go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets.

I'm buzzing, James.

I'm buzzing for the Royal Albert Hall shows.

They're going to be cray-cray.

But if you just want another taste of us alive, we are releasing the rest of the Palladium shows on the first Monday of every month in the order that they were recorded.

So stick around because in May, on Monday, the 5th of May, Julie and Clary, baby.

Bye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade-In and MyPlan and lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

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Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.