Ep 279: Stephen Graham

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking the tortellini of conversation, pouring into the boiling water of humor, bubbling away for just a few minutes until all of the great anecdotes float to the surface.

It's the off-menu podcast Tortellini, Bowl of Tortellini.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Castell together.

We own a dream restaurant.

Oh, no.

And every single week, we're inviting a guest.

We ask them their favourite ever start and make a sustained side dish and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Stephen Gregory.

Steven.

Now, uh-oh.

For those of you who may not be across of Off Menu's lore,

you might not know that James on multiple episodes of this podcast has said he can beat Stephen Graham up.

Yep.

Because of something that Stephen Graham said to Romish Ranganathan on an episode of Jonathan Ross.

He said that it's Romish's fault for not being funny if the audience aren't laughing and they're shouting and they're heckling him in Liverpool.

Well, bad luck.

He didn't bank on me seeing that episode.

I have called him out many times on this podcast saying that I beat him up for that.

And now he's walked straight into the lion's den.

Yes.

And I'm the lion.

We're assuming that Stephen doesn't know about this.

He's going to know.

He's about to know.

Is he?

Yeah, he is about to know.

Is he really?

Because there's a lot of bravado coming out of you.

Ed, if you're not going to be able to do that.

I feel like when you, because you like Stephen Graham's work as well, and I think when you actually meet Stephen Graham, I don't think you're going to be able to say anything to him.

I think, Ed, wrong.

I've said it on a podcast about three times, four times.

Yeah.

Benito put a section on the best of me calling him out.

That is basically saying it to his face.

Yeah.

I know that when I say that, he's gonna hear that so okay so if he has heard it and he's coming in what does that say to you about his level of confidence that that's not gonna be an issue he's coming with his tail between his legs to apologize for what he said on jonathan ross about romash and guess what it ain't gonna cut it no apology is gonna cut it i said i was gonna beat him up and that is what's gonna happen two hits two hits me hitting him him hitting the ground

Okay, well, I think maybe things might be different when you meet him.

Well, we'll see, won't we?

You'll be eating your words on this food podcast.

Have that as your starter main course and dessert, Ed.

Your own words.

Do we eat me?

Yeah.

You're saying I'm not going to do nothing.

I'm having my own words, am I?

That's what you're doing.

Okay, yeah.

Are we going to bother with the secret ingredient then?

Because if it's you hitting him and him hitting the ground early doors, then he's going to be at the dream restaurant straight away, isn't he?

He will be at the dream restaurant straight away.

But in the meantime...

Just for, I'll give him a sporting chance.

Okay.

The secret ingredient, which if he says he's going to get kicked out.

Yeah.

A knuckle sandwich.

A knuckle sandwich.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, that's what you're going to give him anyway, right?

Yeah, he will get that anyway.

So is it still the secret ingredient if you put it on his dream menu?

So they're not going to punch him.

Yes.

So he's at the dream restaurant.

So it's not if he selects it, because he's not going to pick a knuckle sandwich, is he?

Or is he doing it?

He might as well save himself the embarrassment and pick it because at least then it looks like he wants it.

At least then it looks deliberate.

Okay.

That'd be my advice to him.

Okay.

You should pick a knuckle sandwich mate you should order one stephen graham is i would say a national treasure so i'm absolutely devastated if you ruin this for me yeah i can't i absolutely can't wait to meet him he's done so much good stuff he's got so much good stuff coming up james oh yeah well you're you love you love this is england yeah you love time yeah you love all his work that he's done with martin scorsese yeah all the scorsese stuff yeah he's in gangs new york he was in he was in an amazing uh scene in the irishman with al pacino yeah just what and that's in a restaurant.

We can talk about that if I.

Well, no, we're not going to talk about it, though, because you're coming in all guns blazing about it.

Correct.

Yeah.

Correct.

He's not going to get a chance to talk.

Yeah.

You might as well turn this mic off, Benito, for when he sits in, because he's not going to be saying anything.

Do you know what else he's doing?

He's got some stuff coming up, Ed.

A thousand Blows launches on the 21st of February on Disney Plus.

Anything you want to say about the title A Thousand Blows?

Yeah.

Two Blows.

Two Blows.

Me Blow.

No.

And he also stars in and has COVID and Adolescence, a four-part Netflix series, which is coming soon.

All the episodes are one shot.

It looks fantastic.

And a thousand blows, he's playing a bare-knuckle boxer.

And I was led to believe he's got in amazing shape for that to truly play a bare-knuckle boxer.

And he's done all the training and stuff.

So, yeah, looking forward to this episode.

This is the off-menu menu of Stephen Graham.

Welcome, Stephen, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

It's lovely to be here.

It's a pleasure and a privilege, Stephen.

Thank you very much.

Thank you to coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Now, normally at this point, James is a genie in this, and he bursts out the lamp, and I don't know why he hasn't done that.

Oh, there's a lamp there.

There's a lamp there.

Yeah.

I just forgot.

I forgot to say that.

No, he normally interrupts the guests by sort of going

and bursting out the lamp.

And he's not done that with you, and I'm intrigued.

Oh, I thought it seemed rude.

Just didn't seem appropriate.

Is that your only reason?

Yeah.

Yeah, I just thought it wasn't appropriate to do that to him.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

So you threw him under the bus there, didn't you?

Yeah, I've absolutely thrown him under the bus because our listeners will be going white because every single other episode in, I mean, nearly 300 episodes, I'd say, Stephen, he bursts out the lamp.

But for some reason, he seems to have a quiet reverence around you that he's never had for a guest before.

We do have the lamps.

Yeah.

It's right there.

Do you want Durance to try and get into that lamp and then burst out on it?

Should we just give it a shot?

Yeah.

Okay.

The listeners will have to believe me that I'm getting into the lab.

Okay.

But you put some sound effects in post that I'm squeezing in there.

Let's talk about a thousand blows.

No, go burst out the lab.

We want you to come out of that.

Right.

So let's shall we.

Okay, we're talking.

Go and ask me.

Welcome to the dream restaurant, Stephen.

Eight.

Welcome, Stephen Graham to the dream restaurant.

It's been here for some time.

Wow.

That was good.

Fucking hell.

Oh, Tommy.

You can swear.

You can swear.

Wow.

Let him fly.

Set out the lamp.

I've never seen it before.

That was good, weren't it?

Actually, quite good.

Well done.

That's good.

We got there in the end, didn't we?

Yes, yes.

I just wanted to say it was an honor first.

Yeah, that's very nice of you.

Yeah.

It's an absolute pleasure to be here.

Good for you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for coming on.

A thousand blows.

I'm very excited about.

I'm a bit intimidated.

No, I'm not intimidated, actually.

You're a bare knuckle boxer, innit?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot more to him than just a bare knuckle boxer.

But no, look, it was a wonderful project to be a part of.

And it kind of came from

me and Hannah, we got sent a photograph of Hezekiah Moscow, who's played by Malachi Kirby, who was a young man who came over from Jamaica during the 1800s.

And it was a photograph and an image of Hezekiah in his, like, you know, his boxing attire, and stood there in this beautiful kind of regal

shape and form that he was in.

And so we got sent a photograph of that and two paragraphs, one about Sugar Goodson and one about Treacle Goodson, these two brothers who also existed at that time, who kind of ran the underground boxing scene to an extent in East London.

And you know, I worked on a programme with Danny Mays called Top Buzzer.

No, it was that was the first time.

Wow, Top Buzzer, you know, Top Buzzer.

I love Top Buzzer, man.

That was my introduction to you guys.

You

Trent Crim from the Independent.

What with that guy's actual name?

James Lance.

James Lance.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah.

Ashley Walters.

I'd watch that.

Me and my friend Jake Ashton.

Shout out Jake Ashton be listening to this.

Sids, you and Jake used to smoke a bit of weed.

Watch Top Buzz.

Let's just say that.

Because that's still, every now and again, I'll get someone come over to me and go, oh, mate, we used to love watching Top Buzzer when we were stoned.

And I was like, oh, thanks, mate.

Well, that's kind of the audience we were aiming at.

Yeah.

Yes, that's what I was thinking.

When I saw this, the castler stuff, I was like, it's a Top Buzzer reunion.

It's similar.

So it came from that that you know that was the that was it within its embryonic stages and then hannah kind of went this is really good this could be really interesting i was like okay and they were looking for a writer and she said i know who write this and i was like okay who's who's going to write it and she went steve knight and i was like

shut up love

there's no way he's going to write how are we going to get steve knight to write this and then she was like well i've been talking to his assistant they they want you to do pg blinders and blah blah blah and she went i think he would really love this you know i know what kind of stuff he likes and i'm gonna see what he says and i just kind of one of them ones where you go okay

although she is the brains behind everything do you know what i mean she's yeah she's phenomenal but um i was like okay love nice one and then literally three days later she went oh look at this and i walked over and there was an email and it was off steve night saying i would love to write this script this sounds right up my street and that's kind of how the process began do you know what i mean so if it wasn't for Hannah making that marriage in the first place, we probably wouldn't be sat here, you know.

You need someone who has that belief sometimes, don't you?

Like, yeah, I can definitely make this work.

Yeah, completely.

But also, she knew who'd be ideal to write it.

Do you know what I mean?

And thankfully, he said, Yeah, that's great.

Did you got some of the press shots here?

There's you swinging the punch.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Did you have to do a lot of training?

Did you train up for this one?

Yeah, yeah, it was.

Yeah, it was a lot of training, a lot of eating, yeah, and a lot of training.

So, take

And to get into that shape, it took six months.

So it was like, it was done properly.

I had an amazing trainer, Rob, who was kind of, he did all my training and also on my diet and everything.

And then I had a good friend who did all of my boxing training with me.

Graham, he, I was with him like three times a week and I was training five, six times a week as well.

But we I got all my bloods tested and everything and my kidney and my heart and every you had to go through a full MOT first.

And then we slimmed down, and then we kind of built up the muscle as we as we went along.

But it did, it took in the total process was six months.

Did you feel like by the end of the training that you could enter into a bare-knuckle boxing match?

It's canvas make you look really good.

I really appreciate

the dedication and the work that goes into that kind of to that pugilism.

But the MMA and boxing and all of those kind of martial arts is unbelievable.

The technique and the ability, do you know what I mean?

And the stamina and the determination.

And just that, you know, you do be, it becomes a regime.

You have to eat as healthily as it says.

You just follow everything that they tell you to do.

Do you know what I mean?

But it's lots of protein, lots of chicken, fish, vegetables, small amounts of carbs.

And you just have to keep eating these on a regular basis.

And lots and lots and lots and lots of protein.

And are you enjoying?

Because, like, it's a food podcast.

So, like, when you are doing that, does it stop being enjoyable, like eating food or are you still looking forward to it?

You know, is there certain little treats?

In the beginning, that this slimming down, the losing the weight was kind of hard.

Yeah.

And then when we got to that next stage of like, right now we're going to build from that structure, then with the eating the rice and the chicken and stuff and the broccoli and it was okay.

And then you're throwing in a whole meal bun as well or cold, whatever you call it.

That's your treatment.

But then after a while, do you know what I mean?

And in between them, you've got to make sure that you get your protein.

But when it comes to like half nine ten o'clock at night you've got to eat another 120 milligrams of natural yogurt with two scoops of whey yeah and one maltezer as you treat

it's a bit hard you know what i mean forcing that down you but it was it was a great experience and it was just that you know i really really admire and appreciate what goes into trying to achieve that look or for athletes more how quickly would you say you managed to once you didn't have to eat like that and you'd finished filming, how quickly did you destroy all of your six months of work?

I didn't.

You didn't, you just kept going with it.

That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah.

You mostly managed to keep it together a little bit, do you know what I mean, to that extent?

So you're still in boxing shape?

No,

I wouldn't say I'm fighting weight.

No, I've got my crimbos just finished.

So

there's a bit of tear,

yeah, some crackers and cheese and all that around me a little bit.

But it's something that I've kept on doing, do you know what I mean?

I've kept going to the gym and stuff and maintain that.

Also, Adolescence will be coming out in 2025 which is something that you co-wrote as well every episode's a one shot yeah one yeah there's four four episodes and each episode is one take wow I mean it's a bit of a heavy subject in many ways what was the decision behind making them one shot episodes what what about about the project felt like it needed to be that well it was it was because of we did a film we did a little

a little film called which actually is very relevant boiling point which was set in the kitchen which we loved yeah we spoke to we had Izuka Hoyle on the podcast and sponsored about that as well.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely brilliant film.

Yeah, and I thank you very much.

Thank you.

And it, you know, that was a pleasure and it was an honor to do.

And we got approached about doing something in a similar vein, but I didn't really want to do that.

I wanted to try and tell a story along the process of 18 months or 13 months and just jump in.

to this story on that timeline, maybe for an hour every time, because that's all you have, and try and progress that story along within the context of what we have to say within that time.

Do you know what I mean?

And keep the audience with you.

And I just thought, I'm obsessed with 24 hours in police custody.

Yeah.

I love it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's great, isn't it?

As soon as you, you know, it just drags you in.

And I just thought, because I love that.

And look, procedural dramas, police dramas are great.

They've been going for years.

Cracker, do you know what I mean?

Prime suspect, all of those great programs that I was brought up on.

It's trying to find a new way of telling that same story.

Do you know what I mean?

So we just thought it'd really work well with the one-shot.

It's our job then, and we're under the obligation to try and keep the audience involved, but also tell that story and have that story move along.

So I just thought it'd be a really good way to tell the story, basically.

Well, let's see if we can do this episode in the one-shot.

Yeah.

Maybe Benito won't edit anything out.

Yeah.

We always start with still a sparkling water.

Stephen, do you have a preference?

Still, please.

Still?

Yeah.

How come?

It's a bit like Alka Seltzer or something, innit?

Do you know what I mean?

I don't want to start my stomach rumbling before I've even had my dinner.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Personally.

Sure.

Would you call it mineral water?

Sparkling water?

You could if you want to.

Yeah.

So you're saying that you don't have the minerals?

Stephen Craig?

Let's see what he did there.

James is coming for you this afternoon.

Yes, he is, isn't he?

No, no.

I don't have the minerals, son.

Yes, he did it.

He said the line.

What was the actual line?

You want to see if I've got the minerals?

You want to see if I've got the minerals?

Yeah, oh, that was it.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was it.

Yeah.

Well, you want to see if I've got the minerals?

Yeah.

That's a good moment for Tom.

He comes in.

Yeah, he's brave moment.

He finds himself.

Do you know what I mean?

He gets to stand there and be, yeah, be what he's always wanted to be.

That character, which for the listener is the character in Snatch, knows a lot about,

well, maybe not food, but drink.

A whole monologue about milk that you have in that.

Yes, that's right.

What was it?

Pasteurized here.

That was a great monologue there.

I remember the day we filmed that, and yeah, and he takes the can of milk off me and then throws it out the window.

I've taken it as got, I've never researched what Tommy says about milk, I've just taken it as gospel.

Yes, and so you should.

Yeah, when I drink milk, I think I'm not, the human stomach has not evolved to cope with this, I shouldn't be drinking this.

They've only been domesticated for however long it was.

Yeah, yeah, I feel like cows have been domesticated at all.

I think, yeah, I'm just, I haven't learnt nothing.

Why am I still drinking milk?

I just shouldn't drink it.

James learns all his facts from Guy Ritchie films.

That's

yeah yeah that's how it should be yeah yeah that's that's that's all i know yeah including you know that's why i'm a genie now because he made a laddin yeah yeah yeah so now i oh now i see it i based it all on that yeah i just based my life on guy richie's career choices whenever he's cutting bread up he says guns for show nice for a pro don't you

say guns for show nice for a pro yeah do you want anything in your water do you want some ice do you want some uh no just on its own please on its own let me just enjoy

depends where we are i suppose oh this is good so where's where's the dreams happen Well, now I'm going to sound like really.

Do you know what?

Me and Alan have just come back from, we went to, I can't pronounce the name of the place, in Finland.

Okay.

Right next to Father Christmas's house.

Rovan Yemi?

That's you.

Well done.

Wow.

Yeah, good lad.

Yeah, I know.

My wife worked there.

She went and did a TV job there and she, yeah, she loves Rovan Yemi and they went and met Santa.

Absolutely.

What a beautiful place.

And we stayed in this really lovely hotel, this three-house hotel.

It was beautiful.

The lights are gorgeous.

It was amazing.

But the woman said at the desk, you won't need to drink the bottled water.

And we were like, oh, okay.

And she was like, no, what is it?

How do you pronounce it?

Rovan Yemi.

She said, Rovan Yemi.

See, I said that there.

Just leave that.

She said, Robin Yemi has the most purest water in the world.

Wow.

And I was like, really?

She was like, yeah.

And I was like, oh, okay.

All right.

So obviously we get into the room and da da da da.

And I just, my first time in me and I'm going, no, chance.

No, there's no way.

There's no way.

It's not happening.

No way.

And I literally put the case in.

I went, cheers, mate.

Thank you very much thank you did it shut the door ran in the bathroom grabbed a glass had a sip and i was like i went oh hannah she's right and she's the off doing something she's like what and i went the woman at the zest she's banged on this water's gorgeous so yeah and i would have tap water from from romania

and put your listener by the way we got to see some proper you you pretended to drink some water there

i'm not i'm not even lying here i'm not i'm not saying this to be a smart ass

I genuinely thought you'd swallowed some water.

I knew you hadn't.

I knew you'd mined a cup.

Thank you very much.

But you did it proper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you have the Robin Yemi water, do you want Father Christmas to be there?

Depends what time of year it is, really.

Sure.

Yeah, it'd be weird to see him in summer, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

I want to see Santa somewhere.

In a Hawaiian shirt.

Yeah.

And sandals.

Oh, no, that's a Bermuda shot.

That's all right.

He's a good character there, though, isn't it?

What does Santa do

when he's off?

Summer Santa.

yes yes

summer santa yeah maybe it would feel slightly different to your other work the the body of work i feel like if suddenly it would be a real left turn if you played summer santa and something we could still do it in a one huh yeah one a one shot okay on holiday santa on holiday yeah yeah what do you reckon he does do you reckon he shaves his beard because you're not going to be wanting to get recognized by everyone are you no and if you're in a hot if you're going to hawaii or something you don't want you don't want a big white beard yeah you don't yeah you don't want that okay so he shaves shaves the beards off yeah where's he going away i think yeah hawaii maybe i think he wants to go somewhere warm i guess yeah or in safari maybe i don't know if that'd be in his job is so grueling don't you reckon mrs clauses pick where he go because she's the one who's doing all the graft really

yeah

do you know what i mean so if it's anything like our house she's decided where he's going he just goes along yeah do you reckon he gets told to shave before they go i'd imagine so i'd imagine what happens is he gets told to shave every year then he complains about having to shave, but when he arrives, he's like,

oh, thank God you told me to shave because it's so warm here.

But then he forgets by next year and he's like, I'm not going to shave this year.

Do you remember what happened last year, Santa?

Yeah.

So it must be weird for him to choose a location because he can get anywhere.

He can get the whole world in one night if he wants to.

Yeah.

So it's weird for him to go, are you serious?

Well, you're going to choose one place for a week.

Yeah, but then look at it, right?

He's kind of like someone that works as a cabin crew.

Does that make English?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that makes english i think that makes english okay let's keep that english then he's kind of like a cabin crew person um and then you know they don't always get to stop off duty they have to clean the gaff clean the plane get everything done and then they're back off again sure so you know when you go oh you must see some lovely countries not really no no we stop we have a little yeah yeah get ourselves together have a coffee then we're back off again yeah and we're back home and we're in our own bed by half nine ten o'clock yeah so it's the same for father christmas innit really the same even worse yeah even worse yeah.

Yeah, he's just sitting in chimneys and fireplaces if he's lucky.

Yeah, yeah, it's just like necking brandies.

He's so pissed by the second country that he doesn't remember any of it.

Anyway, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because Rudolph's not eating all of them, is he?

No, no, son,

that's the slave.

Rudolph's going, any um, carrots in there this time, none this time, Rudolph.

I'll let you know if there's some in this in the next one.

The world's changed, sadly.

Yeah, yeah, one of those.

Um, pop-doms or bread, um, Stephen Graham, would you like to?

James normally shouts this, the whole thing is he shouts it at the guest.

Well, there's not a need to shout it every time.

What's happened is, Stephen, he's seen the pictures of you boxing.

Yeah, of course.

And he's got scared because, I mean, you're almost certainly not aware of this.

But James has called you out on the podcast before.

Oh.

Oh.

When?

He's called you out for a ruck.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold on a second.

When did I have to?

Is this fact?

I don't remember this.

It's happened.

It happened on Azuka's episode.

So So you're back up with a recording of this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's been out, you know.

Can we play the recording?

Can you find a recording while we're in conversation and we'll get back to this, Tim?

We'll just put this on hold for a minute.

Just for a minute.

We'll just put this on hold for a minute.

Yes.

James, shut up, lad.

I'm talking.

We'll just put this on hold for a minute.

If you find what he said,

hang on.

You've had your minute.

We'll find what he said and then we'll come back to him.

But for now, we'll carry on as normal.

Yeah.

We're still mates.

Okay, just for now.

I think Azooka might have said it.

No.

Maybe you've got it.

No, wires crossed.

You said it, and Azuka laughed in your face.

Okay.

I think he's got his wires crossed, Stephen, but we will carry on.

Let's carry on as normal.

We'll carry on as normal.

Let's carry on as far as it's fair.

I think you've got your wires crossed, Ed.

Okay.

You might say that.

I apologise if I've got my wires crossed, but that's fine.

I think we both know the line.

We'll find out because we've got, you know, we've got factual.

Oh, what?

He's got his future.

Which one, which episodes make sense?

This probably happened on about five episodes.

Can we all hear this?

And see what they do.

Meanwhile, Stephen Graham's just stood looking at you like he's going to rip your head off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's his resting face, right?

Oh,

he's like a giant puppy as well, though.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Oh, here we go.

Go on.

Nah, nah, nah.

I actually said that.

Sure, he is like a little puppy dog.

So he shouldn't have run his mouth off on TV shows.

Has he ever made a statement

to counter your challenge?

No, because he's a busy man who doesn't need to be bothering himself with stupid little bits of

Jonathan Ross Lee.

He

fired shots at Rummish.

That's all of us.

And I'm disappointing you, Ed, for not calling him out.

Oh, look, I'm not calling him out, but I'm very happy for you to call him out because I want to see what happens.

You know what's going to happen.

Yeah.

You're going to get your head.

You're going to get absolutely fucking pummeled.

As if, man.

That would never happen.

Have you seen him recently?

Has he seen himself?

Has he seen me?

Has he seen himself?

How's that a comeback?

Yeah, he looked at himself and went, yeah, me.

Even without him here, you panic there.

Has he seen himself?

Has he seen himself?

Has he seen himself?

Has he made me think again?

I don't want to see what would happen.

I tell you what, we wouldn't even need one take, man.

Me beating him up.

We do that in half a take.

Yeah.

Game over.

End of film.

Is it a film that you're getting beaten up in now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm the hero.

I think that might have been Edge.

That's kind of like Ed to me.

So, what did I do to Romish?

I don't know.

No, no, no, come on.

You're saying it.

It's all like, what did I do to Romesh?

I think that's out there now.

You know what I asked went then, didn't it?

What did I do to Romesh?

Answer the question.

Well, I think maybe

what that was a reference to was.

I think you might have gone on Jonathan Ross with Romesh.

Yes, I did, yeah.

And Romesh may have said, this is just my memory.

Go ahead, because I'm with you now.

I remember this fucking thing.

Go ahead.

What happened?

I think Romish might have said that Liverpool audiences aren't good audiences.

He doesn't like playing in Liverpool.

Yeah.

And he said, because they heckle and they don't listen and stuff.

And I think you said,

this is my memory.

I was just trying to remember.

I think you said,

No, I said, I'll tell you exactly what I said.

I said, maybe if you were fucking funny, did you laugh?

I rest my case, Balox.

It's over.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Yeah, well,

that's all I said.

Look, and I know some of you have this attitude where it's like, I'm just doing my job.

No, you're a comedian.

I've paid fucking 25, 30 quid here.

I've brought me missus.

That's 70 quid before I've even fucking sat down.

And I want to have a laugh.

So make me laugh.

That's your job, in it.

Yeah.

So fucking make me laugh.

I agree.

Thank you.

And that's not just scousers.

That should be all over the bastard country.

If If I'm paying money to go and watch a comedian, what?

I mean, you're like fucking Joricel.

Do you know what I mean?

You're going on and on and on about bollocks.

I don't want you doing that.

I want you to be what you should be.

Ron Seal.

Do what it says on the fucking tin.

Make me laugh, bastard.

End the story.

Can we carry on now with the show?

Yeah.

You okay, James?

I'm good.

I agree with you.

Okay.

I think that's a fair.

Yeah.

That's a good point well made.

That's a good point well made.

I always hope you back, Steve.

Thank you.

Thanks.

You know, I think,

in my defense, I think Benito edited that to sound

weird.

I think you should just admit you made a mistake and we'll move on, James.

Yeah, I probably made a mistake there.

Yeah.

Okay.

Pop dumbs or bread.

I like pop-downs, please.

Let's get into your main meal proper now.

Let's get into your main meal.

Okay.

Dream starter.

Dream starter.

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, I have, I come with an unfair advantage because I've played this game quite a lot.

We call it something different.

We call it death roll dinner.

Oh, great.

Lovely.

And on set, it's a great game to play with, you know, when you're meeting new people.

And it's kind of between takes and all that.

Because it's, yeah.

So my dream starter is, I was in New York a few years ago and I was in Chinatown.

And I absolutely love wonton soup.

Yeah.

I love wonton soup.

And when I used to go to a Chinese with my mum back in the day when I was a kid and stuff, we used to test the quality of a Chinese by its one-ton soup.

So we'd start with the one-ton soup.

And I found this, this restaurant.

I was up some stairs and I went into this Chinese restaurant and I asked for the one-ton soup and it came.

And it was like I'd found the holy grail.

It was this gorgeous bowl with some beautiful design on it.

And it was just a lovely, I can still see it now.

It just had the dumplings just floating in it, just right, a little bit of bok choy, a little bit of spring onion and stuff.

And it was just, it was, it was beautiful.

And I tasted it and it was absolutely gorgeous.

So that's my starter.

Can you remember the name of the place?

I can't.

Oh, that's.

I'll probably never find it again.

It's almost like, that's better.

Like, because it's just the complete sort of like hazy dream.

Yeah.

It's almost like it wasn't real, just the perfect one-on-soup.

Exactly.

That sounds beautiful.

It happened once and it'll never happen again.

Yeah.

Oh, look, I'm salivating.

You are, yeah,

Yeah, because I had to.

You've got a faraway look in your eyes.

Andrew,

it was wonderful.

I had found the holy grail of one-ton soups.

I think everyone's got that with like one food item where like they're trying to find the best one wherever they go.

And when you do find that one,

it is very special.

And it probably is.

I've talked about it on the podcast before.

Milton Jones and I on tour did it with custard slices.

We found one in a service station in Wales.

It was the best one.

We've never been able to find it again since.

That service has vanished.

Like it was a ghost services.

Where about in Wales was you?

It was like literally the first services we got to when we went into Wales over the bridge and it was the first one we came to and it's like it's not there anymore.

We can't figure it out.

We didn't like log in our heads what the services was called because we were just so high on custard and like now it's like we just haven't seen it again.

It was so but like yeah it was so great.

And I know what you mean.

It's probably the best that you don't even remember in the restaurant.

Yeah.

And it's the surroundings as well sometimes, isn't it?

If you're in New York in Chinatown, it's so like evocative.

And yeah.

What were you doing in New York?

Were you working?

Yeah, we were filming Boardwalk Empire.

Nice.

So it was quite a while ago.

Al Capone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You weren't still in character as Al Capone when you were

touching your taxes.

No.

No, no.

Did you keep that in your mind when you were playing Al Capone?

Did you go, remember, I'm not paying tax?

Yeah.

Does that help with the character?

No.

No, I know.

Because he was up to other stuff as well.

He had a lot of other things going on.

Yeah.

Syphilis.

Syphilis.

He had syphilis.

He went mad.

And he got that from a very young age, actually.

Did he?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And his scars were very interesting how he got his scars as well.

They were around about when he was 17, 18, or 19, I think.

Back in New York.

And he used to work in a restaurant.

And there was a fella who was there with a young lady.

And he was a bit flippant.

I was.

And like, kind of, you know,

flirting with this young girl in front of this fella.

And the fella actually sliced his face.

Oh, goodness, three times, yeah.

In a restaurant, in the yeah, it was like a kind of restaurant cafe where he worked.

Yeah, not our restaurant, not the dream restaurant.

No, that would never happen in the dream restaurant, no, that wouldn't happen in the dream restaurant, unless you wanted it to.

If that's your dream, it wouldn't stand in the way of it.

People have rarely asked for that.

No, I should.

What would you want your dream restaurant to look like?

And who do you want to be with for the meal as well?

What are the surroundings?

Obviously, I'm there with Hannah.

Yeah.

My missus.

Okay, so who can it can it?

Well, it's a dream, isn't it?

Yeah, so Yeah, totally.

Oh, my mum.

It'd be nice to see my mum again.

Yeah.

So, yeah, Hannah, my mum, my dad, I think, and my two kids, yeah.

And we're sat there.

Should we make it someone's birthday?

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

Not mine.

I don't want the attention.

Let's make it Hannah's birthday.

Yeah,

Hannah's birthday.

Yeah.

And oh, no, okay.

So now I'm bringing a lot back from the dead here.

Let's have Hannah's mum and her dad as well.

You know what I mean?

So I've brought three from the dead.

Yeah.

You don't want to have to explain to Hannah that you've had this power and you've not brought her mum and daddy, you forgot exactly.

That's right, that's what I've well done, that's what my brain quickly did.

Yeah, so it's like, okay, we'll have all of us, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, and it'd be nice for your mum to taste the New York wonton soup as well, of course, yeah, of course, as the fellow wonton soup fanatic, and she'd go, Oh, well done, lad, you found it.

Um, yeah, so that's who's there, and we're in a nice round table with one of those, what's them, what are them lovely,

lazy Susan.

I love a lazy Susan it's a great name it is a great name

it's fun to tell

it wasn't Susan definitely wasn't because she was like I'm not fucking lazy

arrived but it's that who's you know it moves around in the middle and who's

I think we'll call that a lazy Susan

but anyway one of those great tables and let's let's stick with the theme let's let's make it all although none of the rest of the food is but let's make it a lovely kind of Chinese restaurant yeah nice Yeah.

And what does make a great one-ton soup?

What's the criteria that you're looking for every time you've had?

Flavour.

Pure flavour.

But then not being stingy with the little

one tons.

Yeah.

Make sure that they've got a nice, big, you know, they're solid.

Yeah.

You don't want to be looking, you don't want to be looking for them, right?

No,

because then it's all,

isn't it?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, nice packed one-tons.

Nice.

You don't want it to leave you one ton more.

How are we feeling about that?

I'm feeling bad about it.

As soon as I said it.

How do you think that would go down in Liverpool?

I do.

That's why I'm sad at that.

Yeah.

We were doing so well.

It probably wouldn't go well in Liverpool if I said that.

I don't think that would go well in any fucking country.

Your dream main chord.

Okay, Stephen.

I'm torn between two.

Anna's roast dinner is phenomenal.

Yeah.

She makes an amazing roast dinner.

I think I'll be too full and I want to dos on the couch after that.

So that's not going to happen.

But it is amazing.

So what I am going to do is I'm going to pull it from the memory banks.

And again, it's in New York, but I can mix it about with other things, can't I?

Yeah.

So me and me, mate, Buck, we went down to

the Chelsea Harbour, is it?

I think.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

To this wonderful fish market.

And we bought lobsters.

Nice.

Right.

But they weren't like ridiculously expensive.

And they were two big, massive lobsters, huge lobsters.

And he bought these lobsters and he bought some potatoes.

And

because I think we've been to a restaurant a couple of nights before and we had lobster and it was lovely.

Lobster is my favorite.

It's delicious.

And he was like, we should buy some.

And I was like, what?

Where from?

And he was like, we'll go to Chelsea Arbor.

And I was like, well, you can cook lobsters.

And he was like, yeah, we've got a a big pot.

We'll just do them.

So we bought these massive giant lobsters and he bought some potatoes and he filled the pot.

And he literally, you know, it's not the nicest thing

when it comes to cooking lobsters.

But you do have to do that bit.

Otherwise, it's even weirder, I think.

Well, of course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That would be very weird.

I don't want to be cruel, so I'm just going to eat it like a big apple.

Yeah.

Yeah, that wouldn't.

In the big apple.

Yeah.

In the big apple.

So we.

I could get something in Liverpool.

If I did eat it like a big apple in the big apple, surely that I'd get something.

Do I look like I'm laughing?

No, you don't, to be fair.

So when you make me laugh, I will laugh.

That's fair.

Ed's done it a good few times.

Yeah, and I have, haven't I?

You've seen me laugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love gigging Liverpool.

Well, I am capable of laughing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

You laughed at it.

We are all capable of laughter.

If we are made to laugh.

Yep.

Okay.

So back to the story.

Yep.

He throws the lobsters in the pot with some potatoes.

And then we cracked them open and we had them with a little that that was it.

So them them lobsters and he had them with some potatoes.

But what I would have with my lobster, I'd have that lobster from Book.

I'd have Meantivera's chips because they just don't believe.

They were unbelievable.

They were they were the best chips ever.

They were phenomenal, Meantivera's chips.

They were thick, crispy, crunchy, but dead soft in the middle.

They were the perfect chip.

So like a fryer at home.

Yeah, she did.

She did it in the fryer.

Yeah, like the old fat, not this, not this air fryer.

No, you know, it was proper, old-fashioned, big, proper chip pan.

Better than chippy chips.

Wow.

That's a big call.

And I'm saying it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm saying it.

That's huge.

Better than chippy chips.

Wow.

Well better.

These were gorgeous chips.

So I'd have them.

And then I'd have some broccoli,

some long stem broccoli.

Nice.

A little bit of fresh chili and some parmesan on the top.

And that's it.

I'm giving you the lemon.

Yeah.

Just to squeeze gently over the lobster.

Are you putting butter on the lobster as well?

I'm not.

Okay.

Just because we're in training for, you know, we've got to lose a little bit of weight, so I'm not.

Yeah.

But you're more than welcome to.

Sure.

You can even do a Thermidor sauce if you want.

I always think that's, yeah.

I mean, it's not like I'm eating lobster every day or anything, but I like the just the meat of it is so good.

With a bit of butter is delicious.

Yeah.

So good.

It's really good quality.

And the thing's just got loads of flavour in it anyway.

You kind of don't want to cover that up.

No, you don't want to mess with it too much, do you?

That sounds really nice.

You know, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God, yeah.

That sounds amazing.

I'll get stuck into that.

Yeah.

I'll get stuck into that.

Are you putting on a bib for the lobster?

Are you a bib?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You want to get stuck right into it, don't you?

And I like the fact you've got your auntie Vera's chips with them as well.

Like, you've got like two memories going on at once there simultaneously.

Yeah.

And maybe you've always, yeah, you clearly always thought, what if I could just combine those chips with this?

Well, yeah, that was exactly.

Do you is are your auntie Vera's chips?

Do you think about them every time you're having chips?

I haven't had chips for a long time, but my auntie Vera used to make the best chips by none.

So there's my mum was all right, but she couldn't, she didn't have a patch on my auntie Vera's chips.

So that's almost good that you've had the best chips you'll ever have.

Yeah.

So now when you're in training and you're not having chips, you don't worry about it because they're never going to be as good.

No.

And even to the extent when I took my, when Grace and Alpha, when we go to the pool occasionally and when my auntie Vera was around, we go to our Vera's, the first thing them two kids would say was, Vera, can we have some chips?

And she'd go, yeah, all right.

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So your dream side dish.

Can I have some spinach?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll have a little bit of spinach then.

Garlic, fresh garlic.

Yeah, beautiful.

Mixed in there with the spinach.

I do love spinach.

More and more.

I'm a big broccoli and spinach guy because growing up, you're like, just get that down.

You know, you're supposed to eat it if you want everything else.

But now, I look forward to the broccoli and spinach.

Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah.

It's a good vehicle for garlic and butter essentially.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That's a good story.

Great vehicle.

See, that's funny.

It's funny.

What with the vehicle?

Yeah, I like it.

He said, are you sure?

What's like a small vehicle?

Oh,

let me.

Do I have to explain?

I just thought it was funny.

He said a vehicle and I just saw some little broccoli sitting on some, you know, some garlic single broccoli.

It's a vehicle.

It's me, you know.

That's what I was doing.

He played with the words.

He was very clever.

That's you doing the work.

Clever.

It's not me doing the work.

Yeah.

It's given from my head to go, ah, that's funny.

Sometimes you just have to plant the seed when you're a funny comedian.

What the?

Funny's natural anyway.

You just, you know, some people are natural.

No matter what I'm saying.

Ed and Gene Wilder don't have to work in it.

You do.

Ed and Gene Wilder.

That's what I've said, yeah.

What the fuck?

You in that echelon now?

Yeah.

Listen, I'm your biggest fan, Ed.

I pick you up all the time.

That's true.

But Wilder?

Yeah.

They're talking to gene wilder yeah and you're saying yeah yeah wow founder i'm wonker you're wonka now yeah holy moly well congratulations thank you didn't know you're the new gene wilder sometimes it doesn't matter what you say if you're funny it just yeah it just seeps out your paws doesn't it just natural ability yeah so you meant you meant to put in the image of a little bit of garlic riding on some broccoli like a vehicle No, the broccoli's

the vehicle, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, so the garlic's riding on the broccoli.

But now you're explaining it, you've made it not funny, which is just with the chili and stuff.

It's just, it has to, it has to just hit you subliminally.

Do you know what I mean?

I just saw him sitting on that vehicle.

Yeah.

He brought the garlic and the chili to life.

Yeah.

I put yourself in my shoes if I'm seeing Romish on a chat show.

Yeah.

And he's my friend and he's getting absolutely destroyed.

Like torn limb from limb.

The audience applauded your comment.

I think they found me funny.

And I think that's like, you know.

Did you speak to Romish in the the green room after?

Me and Romish text often.

He's a lovely fellow.

Yeah, we got on really well.

So Romash didn't mind.

And you've gone on this campaign

on Romesh's behalf.

You haven't even chat with him.

In the defense of war.

Yeah.

So I defended all comedy, all comedians.

Stephen likes comedy.

I love comedy.

Yeah, I guess I can't say you don't because you did find the vehicle joke funny.

And at the time, it was funny.

Yeah.

I do accept full responsibility responsibility for running the joke into the ground and removing the humour from it.

Yeah.

Wilder wouldn't do that.

And you can tell I like comedy, because I plucked out Gene Wilder from nowhere.

And even you were impressed.

I was quite impressed if it did come out of nowhere.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like.

No, no, I'm similar.

And only a true comedian could know how funny Gene Wilder actually was.

Yeah, that's true.

That's why I hurt you.

Yeah.

See, what I've done is I've beaten you without raising a finger.

That is what's scary about it.

It's like

the fight's already happened in a way.

Yeah.

It's psychological.

Psychological.

And it's over.

We now don't need to fight it.

Completely in my own head.

Yeah.

It's like,

you know,

you know, in a...

You know.

Because, like, we were, we would, we were talking about food.

Yeah.

And now I just I'm just defeated.

Yeah.

And it's like, you know, when this is England and you're talking about the food.

Yeah.

But the seeming milky.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're talking about rice and peas and making food.

Of course, yeah.

And

that's how I feel.

Yeah.

Can I tell you the quick little story about this?

I think I know this.

Oh, do you?

Well, that's an what an awful interview to.

No.

Imagine that having a guest on and them saying they're going to tell a story and going, I know this.

I think I know this one before you tell it.

I'm just doing my own head.

I can't even interview people now.

I'm just letting them

just spoil the people's stories by going, like, I mean,

Graham Norton knows everyone's stories before he says.

Yeah, Dr.

Norton is just setting people up.

Yeah.

He never says.

Yeah.

I know this.

I know this one.

The researcher told me it.

I know this one.

He's never done that anymore.

I don't know the story.

Okay, Ed.

I'll tell you.

Thank you.

The night before we did that scene.

Yeah, I know this.

Okay.

But I shall tell you.

I asked Shane and I asked Shimmy, who played Milky, because

we were filming in Nottingham, I think, at that time.

And I asked if we could go to his Nana's house and his Nana could make us some proper rice and peas.

And we sat down and had a really lovely, lovely dinner.

And I met his family.

And it was kind of, you know, for me, I wanted to do that so we could have that experience.

And then also in the same respect i wanted his nanny and his side of the family to know that what we were going to do the next day because we didn't really know what we were going to do we had an idea of where it may go but the beauty um and the genius that is shane meadows that's the kind of that's how we work you know you improvise it so you're never sure what's going to happen you don't really have an end goal It's all about where we go to and how we get there creatively as a collective, which is beautiful, which is a wonderful way to work.

So it was for me to explain that whatever happened that next day,

that's not how Stephen thinks at all.

And that's not where Stephen comes from, just to really explain it to them.

But also, you know, to share that, there's something lovely about sharing a meal with someone else's family, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean?

They accept you into their family and, you know, it was really beautiful.

And also, I felt it was vital and important for me to explain that I'm mixed race as well.

Do you know what I mean?

So they completely understood where I was coming from.

And then it just gave us that kind of sense of when we were talking about it within the scene.

We have that emotional connection and experience with it because we did it last night.

So I know what it's like to be in his joyous family, and he's speaking about what his family are like and how lovely it is.

Because I met his aunties, his uncles, as Nana, and so I saw that, do you know what I mean?

And then we took that kind of knowledge and information and that emotional connection with sitting around together into the experience of the scene, which just gave it that real kind of sense of gravity as well.

I suppose, you know what I mean?

It came from a place of truth and authenticity, which is something I think every artist is striving for.

Yeah, and when you did the TV series for This is England and you bought and the character came back, is it the same process there with the improvising?

Because I remember because I love the film so much, and then I the TV series was almost like another magic trick where you go, because obviously you always go, oh, I hope that they don't like undo what happened in the film.

And especially bringing your character back back and like reconcile, and like trying to reconcile with that character.

And I felt that by the end, it was the perfect end to it.

But it could have gone so many ways.

Were you improvising that as well?

Like that, what those characters were doing in the TV series?

Or did you have a really clear thing of this is where we want this to go between these two characters?

No, again, it's that same kind of process.

Jack as well, Jackathorne, who wrote that with Shane.

They have a structure, and we kind of have an idea of what's going to happen in the scene.

But then as again, you know, we're allowed to improvise and create in that process.

But we do have a rough idea where we're going to go to.

And it's about us finding the same objective together to get there.

Do you know what I mean?

But it's all improvised.

Jack writes so beautifully.

You absorb his writing and then you speak within the scenes and you suddenly realize that, oh, yeah, I'm saying a lot of the stuff that I've read, but you're also adding on top of it.

Do you know what I mean?

So that was, and that was one of the key reasons I I did say when, because I was, like you've just said, there, I had that same fear thinking, is it going to be as good as the film?

Surely the film's on its own.

We should leave it alone.

But it was, when it was explained, and for me, it was more about then getting to follow the other characters and letting them all have a moment in the sunshine, you know what I mean?

And I thought it was a beautiful series.

I thought it was so well done.

The television series.

That whole final series, you know, is for me when I was watching it, it's like this is all about forgiveness.

Yeah.

And I just think that's an important thing for all of us to just keep in mind in this room with each other.

I see what you've done.

Yeah.

Just like

just life in general.

Yeah, no, I get that.

I mean, you've done really well.

But, you know, I think that the key, one of the key aspects of forgiveness is to make sure that the other person, as well as yourself, accepts full accountability for their behavior.

Yeah.

Because then they're still holding on to something and you can never truly.

I'll fucking pip down, manka.

I'm trying to defend myself.

Your dream drink, Stephen Gray.

Where Minana used to live on the road in Minana, the Minana's Road, the Lemo van used to come round.

And the Lemo van was, it was, I think it was Schofield's lemonade, and it used to be a red van.

And back in the day, where you get crates of Lemo delivered, do you know what I mean?

And if you give the bottle back, it was 10 pence.

Yeah.

The bottle was 10 pence and you got 10 pence back.

But there used to be all these lovely flavours.

But I'm just thinking about that.

I remember like during the summer, running around the block and that, playing footy, and just like running everywhere.

And maybe about 13, 12,

probably about 11, 12, 11, 10, 11, 12, running into Minanas, grabbing the limo out of the fridge and just taking the top off.

And just, you know, that guzzle when you're younger.

Where you

feel like you're about to have a heart attack, but you just can't, you just, your eyes are popping out, and you've got tears coming down your face, and you just,

and then you put it down, and then that lovely bit in elf went in.

And you just had this almighty birth, didn't you?

From nowhere.

Yeah.

That.

And the particular flavor that I used to, oh, was in the fridge.

I think it was pineapple.

Ah.

Pineapple lemonade.

Pineapple lemonade.

Great.

Full of thousands of E-numbers.

Of course it was.

Bright was it like bright yellow.

Bright yellow.

Each kid was getting a hell of a head rush and a buzz from it.

Station waiting, you know what I mean?

It was our first Apple with drugs, really, lemonade.

With the amount of stuff that must have been in it.

The amount of sugar and that.

But that was it.

It's got to be.

And it was Schofield's lemonade.

It was Schofield's lemonade, and it was the pineapple flavor.

Was that the best

tasting burp from the lemonade?

Yeah, devil.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Proper taste of pineapple when it comes back up.

And it was from the depths of your soul as well, wasn't it?

Just like a little, excuse me.

It was boom.

I can't imagine how excited I would have been if there was a lemonade van coming around my house.

I'd be at the window all day.

It was great.

Sounds great.

I've never seen a lemonade van before.

Every week.

Every week.

The Lemo van used to come around.

And also, you'd jump on the back of it as well and get a little ride and get sheltered up and have to jump off, yeah, on the back of the Lemo van.

The poor Lemo van driver.

Yeah.

Every street you go.

What are you doing, you little shits?

Get off, be mad.

Yeah.

Oh, come out, egg is a tiki.

Yeah, that's what we were like,

yeah, that's what we were like when we were little.

Constantly have to tell kids to get off his head.

Yeah,

what were the other flavors?

Do you remember?

Yes, they had American cream soda.

Nice.

I love cream soda beyond that.

Which was green.

Oh, wow.

Fluorescent green.

Then they had your traditional lemonade.

You had not Coca-Cola.

You had a cola.

Oh.

And then there was like a kind of defunct.

Oh, dandelion and beardock.

Nice.

Of course.

Yeah.

Dandelion and beardock.

And then they had this kind of like Tyser, but not quite Tyser

because it wasn't Tyser.

Was it orange?

Oh, they had an orange.

Yeah, they did have an orange.

Okay.

But then they had another flavour, like a red.

Maybe it was raspberry, but it wasn't quite raspberry.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, so

they had a crate.

We used to get a crate.

I mean, I used to get a crate every...

Is it Madam?

I don't know if it must have been Friday or something like that.

Crate.

And where was Scott?

Was Schofield like a local, like, was that that guy?

I don't know if it was that fella.

It must have been the make of the, it must have been the company that made the lemonade.

And the bottles, they had Schofield on the bottle, Scoey's bottles.

I remember that because Drew Schofield lived across the road from Monana.

And at first, when I was a kid, I used to think they were his.

Drew Schofield is one of the reasons why I'm an actor today.

He's from Liverpool.

He's a wonderful actor.

And he was in a thing called Scully when I was a kid.

And because

he lived across the road from Manana, and I'd see him, I knew that.

being an actor could be achievable, it was obtainable because there's Drew and he lives across the road.

So if Drew can do it, maybe I can do it.

I even said that to the careers officer when the careers officer went,

So, what do you want to do?

And I went, I want to be an actor.

He's like, No, come on, lad, what do you want to do?

I was like, Yeah, I want to be an actor.

He's like, No, no, no, come on, proper job.

You be a bricky or an electrician or something.

I went, No, I want to be an actor.

No, you can't be an actor.

I went, I can.

Drew's an actor.

He had no fucking answer to that, because Drew was an actor.

And Drew is an actor, and he's a phenomenal actor.

His name's Drew Schofield, that's the connection.

But he's not connected to the lemonade.

I don't think so.

I'd have to ask him, uh, but no, I don't think the limo had anything to do with him.

If you'd known, if you'd found out he was, that might have destroyed your dreams of being an actor because you're like, Of course, he's just a he's in the biz, yeah, actually, he went to the lemonades.

Yeah, well, maybe that could have been his cover, yeah,

yeah.

I had a teacher at school tell me that I couldn't do any of like you know,

I was saying like I wanted to do comedy and a bunch of different things.

Can't do that, it's not gonna happen.

And then she turned, no, I'm not sure what you're going to think of this story, actually.

You are so in your own head.

You've never said that.

You've never preempted one of your stories by saying, I'm not sure what you're going to think of it.

Well, we'll see what your opinion is on it.

Oh, by the way, I've heard this one.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You know this one.

I know this one.

You know what happens?

Yeah, yeah.

I was on tour.

I went on stage in Cambridge and someone had their, not just their feet but their entire legs on the stage i looked and it was her my teacher from school who told me i couldn't do this

and i looked down it was her from two of her mates they're hammered they just ruined the whole show the whole show just shouted out shout heck then and then when i tried to deal with them they'd go show some they'd turn serious and go show some respect that's your teacher

i was like At the time, I was like, I don't know, 30.

I was like, I'm 30 years old.

I'm not going to be a teacher anymore.

They ruined it.

And I came off stage, and I was still on Facebook at the time.

I went, I went, I had a message from her because she had followed me on Facebook after I left school.

And she said, she was hammered.

She's like, that was great.

We had a great night.

We're in the pub across the street.

Come and have a drink with us.

So I messaged back.

Where's this going?

Yeah, yeah.

Now she's my wife.

I've got it.

I've got it craving at me when he's laughing.

He's like, Gene Wilder.

Gene Wilder, come with me

and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.

But basically, I said to her, I'm not going to go for a drink with her.

I did go for a drink with her.

And then she said,

the people next to us, they bollocked us

for ruining the show.

They said we ruined the show.

They don't know what comedy is.

And I said, actually, I would never do this now.

I'll just ignore the message.

But I went, actually, you did kind of ruin it.

She was like, no, we didn't.

And she was like, that's what comedy is about.

And I was like, well, I'd have been.

And it went on for a week, back and forth.

Kept replying to her, arguing with my old school teacher.

She was like, you know, we weren't about.

We were great.

And then a newspaper, a local Cambridge newspaper, wrote a review of it, the gig.

And the headline was something like sadly or tragically, it started out.

Oh, God.

The comedian's gig, tragically ruined by ex-teacher, was the headline.

Okay, I did not know the story.

That's amazing.

The whole article slags her off.

I just forwarded it to her.

I just had to forward it.

It went.

I think some people agree with me that you did.

Any response from her?

She did.

She said, well, she was like, well, fair enough there.

I'm sorry.

And that was it.

I never saw it.

So she did apologize.

She did apologize at the end.

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you're all set for a nail glow up let's get those nails looking fabulous shall we

we arrive at your dream dessert do you have a sweet tooth are you into dessert um i can be yeah occasionally but this is

there's two one sounds quite Poncey, and the other one's like really kind of yeah.

I'll go with the Poncey one first.

Okay, I've forgot the name of the restaurant.

Oh, hang on.

Where is it?

You've got the BAFTA building there, and it's just that that way a little bit.

It's called The Woolsey.

That's it.

There you go.

I've got it.

Well done.

Well done, Ed.

Well done, Ed.

Yeah, well done.

Wow.

Not bad.

See, look, I'm saying you can't just pull it out of my head, can you?

Dead can.

Dead can.

He's pulled it out of your head.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Hold on.

Yeah.

I've got to admit that that was good.

Come with me.

Mr.

One.

Okay.

So it's in there.

It's in the Wolseley, which is a really lovely establishment.

It is.

And it is a Mill Fuy.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah.

You look so happy just remembering it there.

Well, because it's absolutely delicious.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The particular one that they do is gorgeous.

Yeah.

And what is it?

What is it?

Ed, could you

do you want to describe the effect milk weight?

Puff pastry layers

with sweetened cream, would you say, in between?

Sometimes with fruit, maybe with like raspberries or something like that.

Dusted with icing sugar on the top.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And like beautiful, soft, creamy centre, but then also the real texture of the snap of the puff pastry.

Yeah, it's perfect.

Lovely.

What's the description?

yeah, well done, yeah, that's well described, yeah.

Top marks,

so that's that's that's one, yeah.

And the other one is Minana's Apple Crumble, beautiful, which is, you know, it was just so lovely.

Uh, and I just remember it so much as a kid.

I have such fond, vivid memories of being in Minana's kitchen.

We come from a big family, a huge family, and Sundays and that she used to make dinners, and but it'd be all different times, you know, people would be coming into the house at different times and all that, and everything.

And

she'd make a wonderful Sunday dinner, but her apple crumble was unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable.

It was just the perfect consistency.

There was loads of crumble because I ate it when they just give you the tiny slither of crumble.

Yeah, yeah, it was the crumble, the crumble was thick, and you could really get your teeth into it.

But then the apples were soft, but still slightly

just enough, not quite, you know, that kind of al dente type at the beginning, just for that initial, but then it was like

and

yeah, and that and the and the layer of the layer of pastry as well at the bottom was perfect.

It just used to, it just had that right density to it, and it was just delicious.

And the custard was always, always homemade.

Beautiful, always homemade.

No disrespect to you, but none of the Ambrosi are the tin stuff, do you know what I mean?

Or these days are the carton, which I find strange.

Yeah, custard in the carton.

Hillsblades.

What are you doing?

Hillsblazer.

What are you playing at?

Yeah.

Custom in the carton.

No, no, no, no, no, don't do that.

Don't do that.

But they do.

But his was proper made from scratch and it was absolutely delicious.

Yeah.

So I think that has to be up there.

And I just remember, you know, in Minana's kitchen as well, once she used to make, she used to make like little lemon tarts and jam tarts and loads of little fairy cakes and stuff like that.

And mixing the stuff in the bowl, mixing it all together in a bowl.

And then like about three or four of us stood there waiting.

And was like get the spoon it sounds terrible he's they would get the spoon then she'd take it back and give it to the next one yeah it was lovely it was the best yeah getting the spoon I remember it won't surprise you and this isn't really gonna do me any favors in the you know trying to sound tough uh I mean other than that ship sailed but like um

I I was in the scouts for like ages and uh I remember there was one uh there was one one night where they're just making something.

I don't know what it probably was like cakes or something.

It was pancake day or some shit.

And we all wanted to just like have the mixture.

And there was this really like this scout master who was a bit stern.

And he said, if you eat that, you will die.

I remember it really vividly because we were all like, we've been eating this all our life.

We're all fine.

It's like, do not eat that.

That is basically poison.

And if you do, that is very, very serious about it.

So, like, the amount of raw dough I ate as a child.

Like, love it.

Absolutely love it.

That's it.

I was like, don't, don't cook it, mum.

Yeah.

We just want that.

Yeah.

So when Ben and Jerry started doing cookie dough in ice cream, I was like, finally, someone gets me.

Yeah.

Someone understands who I am.

Yeah.

I love sweet stuff.

We've got big sweet tooth.

It's a big part of the podcast.

Yeah.

I can tell you, the only sweet thing that I don't like, Stephen, is, and it makes me wince just thinking about it.

That's Milfoy and Stephen's nana's apple grumble.

Imagine.

Imagine if I tried that right at the end.

You get away with a Milfweet bottle.

Yeah.

You get away from a

absolutely.

Taking my life in my own hands.

All the bare knuckle trading comes into force.

I'll be dead.

Yes.

No, it's the sugar in the kettle, in the water, in time.

Oh, oh, oh.

That makes me wince.

Every time I think about that, it's one of the most painful scenes I think I've ever seen in a TV show, in a film, anything.

There's obviously the performance of the person who has it.

chucked on them because obviously they just do it so well

brilliantly as well wasn't it yeah it was so fast because we're in there as well.

We're in the room.

God, we come in, we see the kettle.

We see it all.

We're like, what are you doing?

What's going on?

And then we go with, and then we see, and then we see the action of, and we come back with that person because you come back with that person, and we hear the scream.

So, it's so quickly, it's so quickly done.

Horrible.

Jimmy McGovern, what a marvelous writer.

But again, you know, that's based on those things.

I mean, that really happens in those

situations.

Which I didn't know.

I didn't know anything about that.

James Nelson Joyce, who's old soul, in A Thousand Blows.

Oh, he plays my brother in A Thousand Blows.

Oh, good.

He plays.

Oh, that's weird.

He plays Treacle.

Oh,

play Sugar.

Oh, God.

He plays Treacle.

Yeah, keep you two apart.

Yeah.

Actually, that's sugar and treacle, that's true.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah.

We shot something there, do you remember?

Oh, yes, we shot it.

In the prisons.

In the prison.

In the same prison that you start time in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We did Celebrity Hunted, LI, where you get hunted by professional manhunters.

Oh, I've seen it on channel.

I thought I've seen trainers of it.

It was a good fun to do.

Yeah.

But they always want to start it somewhere different.

And they were like, this is going to be, you're all in a prison and you break out of a prison.

Okay.

And as soon as we got there, that's the first thing they said.

The shot time here.

Well, there's one of the cells

has signs up saying, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was in that cell.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Sean, Sean's character was in that cell.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So yeah, they're very proud of it there, as they should be.

How did you just get on with...

We tried to, we tried to be funny, Steve.

Okay.

So we weren't very good at music.

So you can imagine.

Escaping the buttons.

Yeah.

We lasted a week.

Did you?

Yeah, we lasted a week.

Well, now, be honest with me then.

Is it like kind of, okay, film's finished now?

Go back to your hotel.

No, not at all.

So you've got to find places to stay along the way by a certain point when they stop filming.

Legitimately.

Legitimately, yeah.

So we would arrive, we would be basically in a race to get to where we wanted to go to be able to sleep.

So when we were like like going to pubs and you know begging for a room and all of that sort of stuff yeah it was more real than i thought if i'd known how real it was you wouldn't have signed up for it it was really good watching him realize that

it was fun but yeah i enjoyed it i had a lot of time we had some good food and drink there

one of the best pint i've ever had was on that was on the run with ed

the the timothy taylor yeah there's nothing more refreshing than a pint after a long day on the run yeah after a long day of the run is for your life i'm going to leave a menu back to you now see how you feel about it.

Okay.

You would like tap water from Rovignemi.

You would like Poppadon's.

We don't really talk much about that.

Starter, you would like wonton soup from Chinatown in New York.

Main course, you would like lobster from Chelsea Harbour.

Auntie Vera's chips on the side.

Your side dish, we've got the long stem broccoli with the chili and the parmesan.

Bit of lemon to go over all the lobster and spinach and garlic as well on the side.

Drink Schofield's pineapple lemonade.

Dessert, the milfuy from

Wolseley, and Nana's apple crumble with homemade custard.

What do you think about that?

I think that sounds really nice.

That does sound really nice.

The two desserts sort of sum up your menu really nicely because there's like some fancy things in your menu and then some stuff that means loads to you from being a kid as well.

It's a really nice mix of the two things.

Yeah, I never thought of wearing like that.

Yeah.

The lobster and Auntie Doris taste chips, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And look,

you know,

I'd like to take this opportunity, Stephen, to apologise for what I said to Azuka Hoyle in that episode.

I think that wasn't about the other episodes, yeah.

But I think we can

we can both safely say that, you know, we'll put this behind us.

Yeah, I just want you to know, though, James, that I do find you funny.

Yeah, thank you, Stephen.

You're a very.

I mightn't show it that often.

Yeah.

But I do find you funny.

Thank you.

You're a gifted actor.

You're an inspiration to some of us.

Ed, you're pointing at Ed.

Are born great.

Some of us achieve greatness.

Yeah.

And some of us just have greatness thrust upon us.

Yeah.

Which one is James?

He's not in any of them.

Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Stephen.

Thank you very much.

So, how do you think that went, James?

Well, yeah.

We don't have to release all the episodes we record, do we, Benito?

I mean, that one.

We don't have to release all the episodes.

We don't have to, but that one, I think, ranks in probably my top three.

Top one, actually.

To be honest, top one, that is the most fun I've had during a recording of this podcast.

What an amazing man he is.

We're releasing this episode, James.

I think the listeners should bear in mind that,

you know,

the way stuff sounds on audio isn't necessarily how it is in the room and like you you well i'm here to say that it's exactly what it was in the room that is so that was so much fun man yes well yeah of course it was fun for you yeah called gene wilder yeah he loved me you came up with that brilliant garlic vehicle bit

i didn't dare say it at the time but i wasn't that wasn't supposed to be a joke wow yeah wow but you know he loved it yeah he loved it oh man i mean I guess people should go and watch A Thousand Blows on Disney Plus.

I mean, I was going to watch it anyway, but I'm going to watch it with a whole new appreciation of

what it's like.

I don't know if I will be able to watch all of it.

I mean, just a still image of him.

It's like, if I had to punch out the camera.

Yeah, that's your POV, mate.

My POV.

I think he's still outside.

Oh, God, he is.

James genuinely looks.

I didn't look at you.

But he might be outside still.

Watch A Thousand Blows on Disney Plus from the 21st of Feb.

And watch Adolescents on Netflix.

That is coming soon.

Both of them look absolutely amazing.

And what an episode.

Listen to this episode again.

And I cannot wait to see what clips Benito picks for this episode.

Benito, don't put any clips out.

There's no need to put clips out of this episode.

I think

a mega mix of all the times where Stephen got angry.

and was dead staring at you because it a lot of people won't be able to appreciate that from the audio when he was just absolutely dead staring at you yeah i think a mega mix of all of those things strung together and we release it and say most awkward podcast of all time.

Benito, do not do a mega mix and do not say most awkward podcast.

Don't try and make this a bigger deal than anything.

This is viral beyond viral.

Some episodes should be allowed to fly under the radar.

No, all this one.

Not this one.

This is way above radar.

Does that mean it's also not on the radar?

It's so high above the radar, it's not on no, it's on radar.

Oh, God.

It's like a this is a

commercial commercial passenger jet.

Okay, well.

He didn't say knuckle sandwich, did he?

No.

So I think if you tried to give him a knuckle sandwich, he would have avoided eating that.

Yeah, I don't think he would have eaten that necessarily if I'd offered him a knuckle sandwich.

Lovely menu as well, got to be said.

Yeah, to be fair, the menu was pretty delicious.

Really nice.

Some wonderful stories and memories.

I think that...

From across Stephen's life.

You dropped me in it.

I didn't drop you in it.

You dropped me in it.

I was speaking.

I was just having a nice chat with him.

You dropped me right from the beginning.

I was being nice and civilly.

You dropped me in it.

I had Bolito, but little Snitch played the audio.

Yeah, that was Snitchy, actually.

He's a Snitch.

And you dropped me in it first, and then he played the audio, and that ruined everything.

And

if you hadn't done that.

It would have been a lovely episode anyway.

But from the beginning, I think we had to tell him why there was an atmosphere created by you in the room.

Oh.

Because you didn't burst out the lamp.

You didn't shout Pop of Doms or Bread because you were scared.

And you can't prove I was scared.

As soon as it was, well, you went big in the intro.

As soon as he walked into the studio, you looked like a little boy, quaking.

He's different in person when you see him in person.

He's actually quite tough.

Lovely.

We got on really well.

Really nice man.

Well, hopefully, we have someone that you can overpower next week.

Who's next week?

Benito?

Who's next?

We got on the schedule.

Well, look, you need to go and have a little lie down.

That was absolutely amazing.

I loved every single second of that.

The menu, meeting Stephen, his reaction to you.

It was absolutely perfect.

This is why, years into the game, we're still the best podcast out there.

We're still the best podcast.

Oh, no.

But unfortunately, it's the final episode because James is now so in his own head, he can't speak English.

Oh, also, before we go,

please never, when a guest says, I've got a story about that, say,

I know this one.

I did know it.

Yeah.

Listeners, I'll just step out of it quickly.

Obviously, that was really fun.

It was amazing meeting Stephen.

It was amazing he went with that.

and improvised these incredible monologues.

Just what a talent that man is.

And a lot of the stuff James was doing, being silly, what a great guy James is.

Wonderful comedian.

Pitched it perfectly.

Benito was the perfect snitch.

But when James said, I know that story, that wasn't him trying to egg on the situation.

He genuinely, a guest said,

I've got a story about that.

And James went, I know that one.

That was total instinct from James.

So now I'm getting a real dressing down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got a load of comical ones.

Yeah.

And

we've all been having a laugh.

But at the end of it, I'll still get told off for real.

I will hop my hands up.

I don't know what it was.

It was insane that i said that yeah we're having such a laugh i mean i really hope we could release some sort of clip where it shows stephen laughing and enjoying it because to go from acting like he's he's going to kill james to laughing just what an amazing thing to switch into and such a nice smiley man a lovely smiley man

i don't know if you can tell i'm buzzing after

i am going to say that now as well at the end of the episode he was a lovely man yeah a lovely smiley man we were all in on that it was all fun and i'm only saying that because i don't want another Jesuit on our hands.

I don't want everyone trolling Stephen Graham because they think he was mean to me.

No, they'll be trolling you, mate.

What?

They're trolling you.

No one's going to try because no one else in the UK is stupid enough to try and have a go to Stephen Graham.

We'll see you next week.

Don't preempt guest stories.

We'll see.

I make no promises.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.