Ep 278: John Kearns (Tasting Menu)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Or is it, James?

That now, some listeners already will have like, they've been walking along listening to us on their headphones and they've already stumbled and tripped up because they're like, hold on a second.

Why isn't Ed doing one of his brilliant well-thought-through introductions?

Where's the brilliant well-thought-through introduction?

Now, the reason is, is because, listen, we've got loads of formats knocking around in our heads.

Oh, boy, we're format machines.

And often we thought, how would we be able to get some fan favorites back on the podcast so they can, you know, so they can experience it all again and learn more about these wonderful guests that have just been on it once.

Isn't it unfair?

Yes.

That because of our format, we only give everyone one dream meal.

Well, we've decided that we're going to bring people back, but instead of just asking the same questions again, they're going to have a meal tasting menu style.

Yes, tasting menu style, but they'll be eating the dream meal of another previous guest.

Yes.

We're not quite sure what we're calling this format yet.

Off-menu switcheroo.

Yeah.

Off-menu jumbled up.

You know, like

when you're a kid, you both got your pat lunches and your trade.

I don't know what that's called.

Off-menu, you know when you're a kid and you've got your pat lunches and you trade yeah could be called that yeah but either way that's what we're doing and you can't stop us yes we're doing it so this is the first one we've recorded of these i'd imagine what will happen is they'll be released sporadically yeah as you know they're not going to be every week because we've still got the main podcast there's still plenty of people we want to talk to yeah we're spoilt for choice we're spoiled for choice so these will just drop in now and again a little treat into your podcast app yeah and we are very excited to have a returning guest of course A returning guest.

Everyone loved his first episode and now he returns.

It's John Kearns.

John Kearns.

Look, we know John Kearns.

We love John Kearns.

He's an amazing comedian.

He's done Taskmaster.

He's done plenty of other things.

He has got a special available on Sky called The Varnishing Days.

So make sure you go and watch that.

What an amazing show.

I mean, it's one of the best shows I've ever seen.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Flawless.

Flawless.

But that does not mean we respect John, and I'm sure we will bully him.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, we're definitely going to bully him.

And we're going to be feeding John the menu of Miriam Margulies.

Yes, John will be receiving the menu of Miriam.

Yes.

I just like the thought of them together, even though she's not going to be there.

Yes.

And it'll be interesting to hear John's reaction to her menu.

Yeah.

You know, this is not so much the dream restaurant as they're going to an actual restaurant.

They're still having a dream meal, but it's not, it's someone else's dream.

It's not their dream.

It's so, you know,

that's what a tasting menu is, essentially.

Yeah.

It's someone else's idea of a dream meal.

Yeah.

and you don't get a say in it and they're serving it to you and obviously because of that no secret ingredient no because it's all predetermined it was originally a stick of rock when miriam came on it that was the secret ingredient if she mentioned rock yeah um i guess if john says this is all delicious do you mind if i add a stick of rock to it then we will chuck it up

i can't foresee that happening can't see that you have my word listeners we will do it if he says that but of all the people we thought of to do the first little go of this type of format john was top of our list he's a a good sport he's a good sport so how we can even introduce this bit james this is all very exciting isn't it yes this is not the off menu menu of john kearns

welcome john back to the dream restaurant thanks for having me back

Hello again, John.

Is that the new catchphrase, is it?

Yeah, it had to be.

I thought as I was about to do it,

oh, I haven't settled on anything here.

Like, you know, normally I know what I'm saying when I burst out the lamp, but I guess for these ones, it's going to be hello again and then their name.

Hello.

Hello.

On first-name terms as well.

Originally, when they were on it for the first time, I said their full name.

Welcome, John Kearns to Dream Rest.

I'm just playing it for some time.

But, like, now it's hello again, John.

Hello again, John.

So when I left,

you went back in the lamp.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And I hate to break it to you.

He has popped out the lamp for some other people people since

you know you weren't the only ever episode of off menu right well it's the one i've heard yeah yeah yeah

did you listen back uh no

that should be the question we ask every guest who comes back on did you listen back to it i don't know what order this is going out in or when it's going to go out but i mean it should be fairly obvious now this is our first time attempting the new format who listens back sorry who listens back well james doesn't i'll tell you that much imagine you're on the train right yeah and someone spots one of you two and they look at your phone and you're listening to off-menu.

That's the nightmare.

Yeah.

Imagine.

Do you listen back?

If it's been like a year since we recorded it and I really enjoyed it, I'll listen back.

Yeah.

But I'll do it in the privacy of my own home, locked in my toilet so my wife can't see.

But she can hear.

Or you got headphones on.

Yeah, I got headphones, man.

We're doing all right now.

I'm playing out on speakers in the toilet.

Do you know how to fight the headphones?

You could have the door open if you had it on speakers.

Yeah, yeah.

She'd She'd still know what was going on at them.

Yeah, come on, John.

Get real.

I didn't grow up with any locks on the bathrooms or toilets in my house.

Right.

Really?

Yeah.

Why?

Didn't none of them work or was it just...

They were removing your parents.

There weren't any locks.

No locks at all.

So how did you

put your feet at the door, base of the door?

Well, hang on.

So you'd still have the door shut.

You'd be putting your feet on the door.

Of course I have the door.

Yeah, the door's shut.

I thought you were saying you grew up in like a very free household.

No.

I'm just saying there's no locks in case you just...

But why were you having...

I don't think there are any locks in any door, but front, back.

Front door, back door.

Yeah.

Locks.

Yeah.

No shit.

Windows?

Yeah, windows are locked.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you had windows.

Anything external, but like inside the house.

No locks.

But then why were you having to push your foot?

I mean, surely everyone in the house knows.

Well, you don't know the locks.

You don't know if someone's in there, though.

Yeah, so you knock.

Yeah.

I would put you accustomed to knocking and not just opening any closed door where someone could be having a shit.

Knowing that I'm...

There's only one door when that's happening.

It's not any closed door.

So what?

In your bedroom, do you have your feet on the door keeping it shut?

How small were the rooms in your house?

Were they all built so you could...

Small enough to put your feet on the door?

The toilet, yeah.

Yeah.

You could put your feet on the door.

Yeah, like main bathroom?

No.

You're kind of just staring at it open for the best.

But you are staring at it so that if they do come in, you're looking right at them

uh yeah it was small enough where you'd know if someone had come in yeah can't think of a room where you wouldn't know if someone had walked in did you ever do sock on the door handle nice sock on the door handle let him for go out

sock on the door handle right i'm just picturing like a video game me walking up the door with a sock on the door

right yeah i think i know what's going on in there okay yeah i'm not walking in no yeah if you see a sock on the door handle uh is there only one person in there?

Well, yeah, I guess so.

Talking about your bathroom and your childhood home.

Not saying...

If you saw a sock on the door handle, you'd be like, oh, my parents are banging.

Gee.

That's what it usually means.

I feel people put a sock on the handle of their bedroom door or whatever.

It means they're getting down to it.

You're telling your parents that?

Huh?

What do you mean?

Is that a symbol for your parents?

I don't think people do it when they're living at home.

Yeah.

So their parents know not to come in.

I mean, maybe some people have that.

This isn't the thing.

What?

This isn't a thing.

This is in movies.

Neither of you have done it.

I haven't done it.

I don't know anyone who's putting it.

No, I understand.

Also, I don't have many.

There weren't many doorknobs in the house.

No doorknobs.

Or locks.

Yeah, what's going on?

A flat door.

You don't put a doorknob on every door.

You guys.

I think you do.

Well, in a house.

Yeah.

You're working in a...

And how are you even shutting the door?

Is there no latch on it at all?

It's just a bit of wood.

No, I'm not sure.

I mean, bringing it back.

I knew you were going to say a bit of wood.

Because in your head, it's a bit of wood.

I bet you're either going to be a bitch.

One of the beaded curtains.

I'm going to know how it works.

You two are going to say it's like cat flaps

or saloon doors.

James would probably say saloon doors.

No, I wasn't going to say that.

In your house with no locks, saloon doors for the bathroom would be perfect.

Yeah.

You'd see my feet and my head.

That's fine.

You don't know what's going on in the middle.

Yeah.

Saloon doors, you don't know what's going on in the middle.

Yeah.

You can let them do that.

Actually, saloon doors and toilets is fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'd be fine with that?

In Japan, they don't have...

The idea was that they'd build the toilet with the most beautiful view from the house and there were no doors.

Well, it's your second time on the Off Mini podcast and the second time you started a sentence with in Japan.

What do you mean?

Oh, what?

Ghosts.

You wouldn't know you didn't listen back.

Ghosts don't have feet in Japan.

Is that what we talked about before?

No.

We talked about low lights.

Low lights.

This is awful the same book actually.

I won't be able to do that.

Ghosts don't have feet.

In Japanese cartoons,

ghosts don't have feet.

Traditionally, that's

what do you mean by that?

If you draw a ghost, I doubt he has feet.

Right.

Yeah, but that's not just Japanese ghosts.

So that's why they have saloon doors and toilets.

Is that what you're saying?

There's no saloon doors in Japanese toilets.

But is the ghost thing anything to do with the...

No, that's because we have to do that.

I know three things about Japanese culture.

Yeah.

Low lights.

In restaurants, Japanese ghosts don't have feet.

And traditionally, toilets were built with no doors facing the most beautiful view that they could get in the house.

Right.

So when we bring guests back on the off-menu podcast, John, what we want to do is a tasting menu for them.

Right.

So

it's one of these restaurants where there's no menu.

You don't have a choice.

There's a menu, but you don't choose from it.

It's a set menu.

So there is a menu.

Yeah, set menu.

It's a tasting menu.

What do you mean?

Well, what are you doing?

You don't need a menu.

You've got a problem with this already.

Well, I'm just saying you don't need a menu, do you?

You just sit there and it's brought to you.

Yeah.

Like Michel, there's a guy in North Wales.

You must know this guy.

In North Wales.

Gareth Ward.

Is it him?

In the share.

Three stars?

Yep.

Two.

Two?

Well, then, are you talking about the same person then at this point?

Because like.

No, it is him.

It's Gareth.

Is it?

Gareth.

Yeah, so get his name.

Near Mac.

He's near Mac.

Yeah, Mac.

Yeah, I've never been.

I'm going in September.

Yeah.

You know the guy on

social media who's got like

If you can't take a mate, take a date the other way around.

I don't know whatever he is.

He went there.

Do you know this guy?

No.

Tell me about this guy, John.

He's...

oh no.

He goes around.

You must know the guy.

John, you've got to give us details about him before we say what we know about him.

He's the only guy who reviews food.

The guy who takes the table and sits outside.

Not him.

No.

That's not him.

Again, different person.

The guy who walks around with a table and sits outside wrestling.

Sits outside takeaways.

That's cool.

Yeah.

He's from Bolton, isn't he?

Yeah.

Well, I like him.

Yeah, he's quite funny, actually.

This guy is quite young.

He's hip.

Well, if you've not heard of him, then what's the point?

Well, you can tell us about him wait

i i thought that was the point

the conversation in your mind was going do you know this guy we go yes and then we'd move on right

just saying the guy he he goes around the posh restaurants yeah and he goes well he goes anywhere doesn't have any posh and he just raves about it and his catchphrase at the end of it is if you can't take a date take a mate and he went to the restaurant in north wales that is two-star michelin and it was a tasting menu.

Yeah.

A bit like where I am now.

Yeah.

Oh, so this is what you mean.

So that's what that prompted.

Okay.

So, like, but I think they still have menus in those places.

Right.

I didn't know that.

Because you can look at them.

Yeah.

You can

go see you until the end sometimes.

Really?

So you can see what you've had.

Oh, I like that.

You can't see it.

It's a nice memento.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Frame it, maybe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Some people do that.

If it's a great menu, if it's, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get the chef to sign it, maybe.

That's good.

Yeah, nice.

Nice.

Was it bad?

Do you know how much something is well i guess it's like when you book it it's like a set price yeah and also like they will say sometimes like we do like a six course an eight course a twelve course this is how much they all are yeah this is how much the wine pairing is we should ask that yeah so you you've got to know you like it before you're going well i guess that goes goes for all restaurants right

Are you proud of yourself?

You feel good about that?

What?

You must feel good about saying that to me.

You must feel happy.

I feel neutral.

You must feel like

you feel like you got me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You feel really good about it.

I definitely got you there.

No, look, I'm not denying you.

You're scorched earth, mate.

But I'm scorched earth.

Yeah.

My shit is just my shoes.

I'm like

the witch, was it?

Just got me.

You won't eat those shoes where you're going, guys.

No, I'm happy for you.

It's good.

It can be a clip, maybe.

I don't know.

Because you're English, though.

Because you're English.

It could be a clip.

Well, you have legs when you're a ghost, though.

Well, when you picture Henry VIII as a ghost, he's got feet.

So, yeah, probably.

Don't know.

If I visit Japan as a ghost, maybe they're off.

I don't know how it works.

Border control tank them?

Yeah.

Customs?

Yeah.

It's like a bowling alley.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't have to take your shoes off when you go through security at least.

Yeah, yeah.

That's nice.

that's nice that's too that's like i don't know i'm on the ropes early you started on the ropes let's face it

ever since you were born yeah

you're always on the ropes

you can't come out swinging no yeah it's quite fun to be on the ropes yeah yeah yeah yeah because then the person gets cocky yeah

you start on the ropes you're ropodoping me is that what's happening yeah the tasting menu that we're going to be serving you today is the menu of another guest who came onto the podcast.

Now, I wondered whether you were going to do this.

Yeah.

I wondered whether you'd tell me or if I had to guess.

Is that a thing?

Well, I'll tell you what.

Do you want to just guess now?

The worst option out of both of them.

Yeah.

Actually, you've added a third one that's rubbish.

Yeah.

John?

Angelie Harriet?

Nope.

Two more guesses.

Rylan.

No.

These are good guesses, though.

They've all been guests so far.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Shows that maybe someone does listen back more than they say.

I mean, I'm

what am I thinking?

I'm just thinking,

what am I basing it on?

Whose dinner would we most like to serve to you and think that that would be entertaining?

Munya Chihuahua.

No, but that's cool.

Yeah, that would have been good.

We should have done Munya.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it knows Munya.

Yeah.

Yeah, that would have been good.

Too late to switch it to Munya?

Probably.

Yeah.

Miriam Margulies.

Okay.

Are you familiar with the work of Miriam Margulies?

Yeah.

Thoughts?

I liked recently, did you see she was on Romesh's show on radio too?

No.

Did you see that?

Oh, I did see that actually, yeah.

Did you see that?

No, go on, tell me about it.

He just told her he was a comedian.

Yeah.

And she stops him.

And she's like, are you?

Did you see that?

No, I didn't see it.

And he's like, yeah, yeah.

She's gobspacked.

She just can't believe he's a comedian.

And she's staring at him like, yeah, okay.

Yeah, Robesh is pretty famous for being a comedian.

That's why he's on the radio.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know who she thinks.

Yeah.

I saw a clip with her on Loose Women.

She lives with,

she's got flatmates, just with two.

She's got a lodger.

She's got lodgers.

She had a lodger when she was on this.

Also, when she was on Loose Women.

So I saw that episode Loose.

Well, I think she's on it quite a bit.

Oh, is she?

But I saw an episode of Loose Women where she starts off by eating a raw onion because they've asked her to do it because they heard in another interview she'd done, not naming the interview, that she sheets were on you that's us yeah this has started to happen john the amount of content we've provided for light entertainment itv shows without being credited yeah they just go okay on off menu they said this let's get them to do that they made timid schools two two bag cup of tea on this morning yeah

someone in the itv offices listens to this podcast on the regular and writes down ideas and they chuck them in their shows you better believe good morning britain are doing a thing about japanese guys having no feet next week yeah you watch it they're going to absolutely eviscerate

Am I on Good Morning Britain?

They pluck ideas.

Oh, no, say that.

Now we've heard.

I know I watch Good Morning Britain, but maybe they get people to text in about it.

What are your opinion on this?

Japanese feet have no ghosts.

Japanese feet have no ghosts.

I suppose that's technically true.

It's a weird way around to say that.

It's true.

Yeah, well, I like her.

I like her vibe.

You know, growing up, she was, well, she's interesting.

Like, she was the, you know, Graham Norton.

She's the crazy one.

Graham sits her next to an A-lister.

Yeah.

And the A-lister doesn't know who she is.

And they cannot believe the filth.

Like, she jumps out of a tree and gives someone a blowjob.

That's like a staple.

I don't remember the tree.

Yeah, she jumps out of a tree.

She talked about blowjobs on this.

Yeah.

And then when we ran with that, which we try and do, John, when we're interviewing someone well you go we try and be like okay they're they're going down this road we'll go down with them for the yo we're trying to be good hosts so we tried to make blow job jokes off the buck of that and she was like now watch it that's rude filthy did she you boys are filthy did she yeah you boys are filthy we're not here for filth and we'd go okay and then we'd stop and then she'd do another joke that's even worse yeah oh she's even more grotty about being fucked up the ass or something

she played you like a violin yeah she absolutely played us that's what she does yeah So the idea that she shut...

I've never seen her shut it down.

But she's a contrarian as well.

So it's like

she doesn't want to...

She wants to be the odd one out.

She's going to be a little bit more

crazy person next to the Agalista.

She doesn't want to be.

So when she's on her own.

I think if everyone else on Graeme Norton went, yeah, yeah, I'm going to jump out of a tree and give people a blowjob.

She would be like, no, that's just rude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, come on, everybody.

We're all better than this.

And they'd be like, oh, fuck.

Okay.

I guess we're not going to do that.

I feel like, what was I thinking?

I can't believe I even said that.

I can't believe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then as soon as she's got everyone back.

What, she then tells the same story like it happened to her.

No, no, no.

She won't steal it.

But, like,

if she went on Norton and she was like jumping out of a tree and giving blowjobs or whatever you said, I'm not sure the jumping out of the tree.

She definitely spoke about the BJs on this podcast.

So I believe that she would have bought that.

It's a raison d'être.

And if she said that on Norton and then John Cena or someone went, yeah, yeah.

And then I grabbed their dick.

and she'd be like, No, you do not.

John, this is a chat show on the BBC.

Can you please act like that?

And he'd be like, I'm so sorry.

She'd be like, Yeah.

And then the next thing that gets said to her, she would be like, Never get fucked up the bum.

My son's a bit like that.

If you're playing cafe with him, your son, what will he say when you're playing cafe?

Absolutely awful segue, John.

Think it through.

The contrary.

John.

Think it through.

No, I'm thinking nothing through.

The contrarian thing.

Yeah.

If you like, kids will be having fun with you, right?

So say you're in his cafe and he's going, you know, we've got six ice creams.

Now, you're saying this.

Obviously, I know about your son's cafe.

You've told me about it.

The listeners don't know.

Yeah, I think we need to hear about your son's.

So when you're talking about your son's cafe...

So you're basically on off-menu every day of your life, really.

Yeah.

How old's your son?

Three.

And he likes to play cafe.

Yeah.

That's his life.

Yeah, yeah.

That's his life.

He's raised on Detroit.

That's one of the dishes.

So he's running.

Is he running the cafe?

He runs the cafe.

I did message James.

There was one day he goes, right,

you know.

So is your son as world-weary as you already?

No, no, no.

He's like, he's like, right, cafe.

So you sit there.

He's like, okay.

At work.

If you don't like it,

gives you a plate empty.

Yeah.

If you don't like it, that's fine.

You just spit it into my mouth.

That's his cafe.

That's the rule of the cafe.

I think the way you phrased it when you texted me is that he said to you, if you don't like the food I serve, you can spit it back in my mouth.

Which I find

if you don't like the food I serve,

a really funny phrase to be chucking in there.

If you don't like the food I serve, you can spit it back in my mouth.

Really aggressive cafe.

But still making himself the

quite subservient at the end.

Yeah.

But getting the food spat back in his mouth.

So it's like he's in charge, but at the same time, he's not.

Have you ever mime spitting the food into his mouth?

No.

No, because you always like the food.

Well, I mean, the thing is, like, if you go to a restaurant,

if a waiter has to do that, the waiter's going,

you should really be spitting this in the chef's mouth.

Joey.

So is he not the chef?

Well, he is.

He's everything.

Yeah.

He's the proprietor.

He's everything.

He runs the place.

Yeah.

So, yeah, in that respect.

does he tell you what

does he tell you what he's serving you uh well he's never got what you want he says uh

no but it's usually ice cream and he goes uh what do you want strawberry chocolate or yellow yeah yeah and you go yeah i'll have some chocolate please he goes there we've run out

so you go oh that's a shame

he's just offered it yeah

So then you go, well, okay, I'll guess have some strawberry.

We've run out of strawberry.

we're closed

that's that's that's that is how it happens does he think that's funny is he laughing

you can't laugh but is he laughing no it's serious he's like what we got to do we're closed so then you go oh I better I've got to come back he's like yeah so then you walk out the room and then just as you're about to walk out he says we're open

fantastic He's got to think this is funny.

Yeah.

You think he's messing with me?

I think he's got to know that that's funny.

Do you get like mock annoyed about the weird opening?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, yeah,

you've got to go like, I can't believe I've come all this way for a chocolate ice.

Because he's loving it.

And it's closed.

Yeah.

And he's like, what'd you, you know, he's like, oh,

you can't believe it.

And I'm like, I can't believe it.

And then he's like, he looks at you.

I'll come back after work.

Okay.

And just as soon as you turn your back, we're we're open.

What's your job in this pretend play world?

Because it can't.

When you say, I'm going to come back after work,

are you still a

comedian?

In the pretend world?

No, you've got an office job.

What is the job?

I stand in the garden.

Is that a job?

Hang on.

So when the cafe's closed.

You know the answer to that.

Yeah.

You go and stand in the garden.

Yeah.

But where's the cafe in terms of your house?

Living room.

Yeah, gotta be.

But you go outside and stand in the garden.

Do you see anything?

If he hasn't opened it before I leave, yeah.

Because you've got to keep walking.

Normally he gets you before you leave.

You know that scene in Goodfellas where De Niro is looking at the,

I can't remember the wife's name now, but there's some new dresses and she thinks she's going to be shot.

Yeah, and he keeps telling her, yeah, just go down that alley.

Yeah, there's the dresses.

That's like my son.

He just goes, keep going,

keep going.

But you're like, you're going to say it's open before I've got to the door.

I know I'm not going to be standing in that garden.

I know.

And then when I am in the garden, I'm like, was he forgotten?

How long am I going to stand there?

Do you not pretend to be at work?

When you're in the garden, doing your office job or whatever it is that you're doing, the pretend game.

There's a berry bush.

There's like some black currants.

I don't know what they are.

Blackberries.

Yeah.

So I picked them.

Oh, so he just picked the blackberries.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he watches me do that.

He watches you do that for the fun that he's just standing in the living room at this point, owning the house.

And you're in the garden picking blackberries.

Because he told you that they've sold out of ice cream and they're clothes now.

It sounds quite idyllic.

Sounds quite a nice way to spend the day.

It does, actually.

Well, actually, it's a tough way to spend a day.

I think it's a bad thing to that.

Because he's got wooden.

This is the thing.

This is the thing.

He does have wooden toys of ice cream.

It's not like they're imaginary.

You can see it.

So he says it's sold out and you can see it.

He says they got them, disappeared, sold out.

Don't have any.

And they're there.

They're right in that.

And also, kids love, like if he loves chocolate ice cream yeah as the owner he can't sell it to you because he likes it yeah he wants it for himself so what's his least favorite oh you go yeah he gives you his least favourite so you go oh fantastic you've got chocolate strawberry uh yellow and uh whatever the green one is right

so you go oh i'd love chocolate yeah i'd love chocolate yeah and he goes yeah you could have that one though

it's like well i don't want the grill how about the strawberry yeah but you have that one you have this green thing.

So this is like what we're doing.

The owner of a shop who doesn't want to sell the things that they like in the shop.

Oh, a bookshop.

Yeah, I like that book.

That's for me.

Well, I want it.

Well, no, I like that book.

So, you know.

When are you going to try and teach him that lesson that he's being a bad, bad cafe owner?

When he has to, when he understands business rates,

you know, paying tax, an electricity bill for all the free, all that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

Once he knows life.

So welcome to the Dream Vest, John.

We have a wonderful tasting menu planned for you today.

Brilliant.

Would you like the wine pairing?

Yes, please.

Thank you.

So that means Ed is going to, throughout the meal, pair wine with what you're having.

I don't think it does mean that, James, because I'm not improvising wines.

You're good at wine.

You know your stuff.

But I just don't think that would be entertaining, me improvising a wine menu.

Well, we can edit it out if it isn't, but I reckon it will be.

We'll edit out every wine pairing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll keep this bit in, but we'll edit out Ed.

Well,

so people will know it didn't work.

This will be quicker.

We'll leave this bit in, and then I won't do it.

No, no, you can't.

You can just let everyone assume it had been edited out.

I believe in you more than you do.

I think you should do a wine party for me, of course.

I think you know your stuff.

Every time wine gets brought up on the podcast, Ed knows what wine they're talking about.

He knows what it tastes like.

He vibes with them on it.

I'm going to speak for you here.

Thank you.

I think if I was you, I'd just want warning.

Yeah.

Because if you know your stuff,

i know he knows his stuff yeah but i imagine he he would have liked maybe 20 minutes to think about it yeah maybe a day or so

but you don't you're just gonna throw him well i didn't think of it a day ago

right i thought of it while we were talking this is how all the best format points on the podcast have come about though yeah yeah so you just got off on the hoof you've got to come up with some wine yeah yeah or any drink i guess or any drink did miriam not have uh she hasn't included wine she didn't do a wine pairing no she's she's got a dream drink which we'll come to later just have that with every course yeah no good luck you got a wine pairing you said yes all right well yeah

it's nice to be here yeah did she talk about what the restaurant looked like any ambience she didn't but like if you want to say what you think miriam margleys' restaurant looks like if you look around this is miriam margleys' dream restaurant yeah what does it look like to you a lot of trees a lot of trees yeah

what's that cafe in uh rainforest cafe

it looks like the rainforest cafe but i mean that gorilla you're not trusting that gorilla.

That's been migged up to do some pretty sus things mechanically.

Every hour.

Every hour, on the hour, the gorilla jumps down and sucks someone off.

Could jump down from anywhere as well.

Oh, you don't know where he is?

No, they've got it.

They've got it migged up.

It's all random.

Oh, who knows what seat it is.

It's not like if you're sitting in that seat.

Oh, no.

could be anyway you've got to be able to book the seat you don't tell your mate yeah i've heard it's good man yeah you don't get a menu

how's that

yeah sit there just sit sit right there man did you see something nah

just

stay stay still for it just for a second why don't you keep looking up just

just stay still for

just to do it just stay still for a

just a second

Bang, down he goes.

Imagine taking someone in it, though.

Woo!

It is someone in the gorilla suit.

No, it's mechanical.

Like, i i in Rainforest Cafe.

Mechanical.

If you go to Rainforest Cafe, they've got a mechanical gorilla there.

Yeah.

Whose head's going left and right and whatever.

That's more dangerous in a way, isn't it?

Yeah, you wouldn't want that.

Left and right.

You wouldn't want that.

Can't go up and down.

Back and forth.

Sure, forward and backwards, the way you go.

Not up and down.

Depending on angle.

He comes down somewhere.

See, like the gorilla.

Yeah.

He's trying his best, didn't he?

Joe, it's his job.

Yeah.

He's thinking in the 90s.

In the 90s, I just turned left and right.

People love that.

Now I've got to do this.

Our kids listen to this, don't they?

I mean, last time you were on it, John, we talked about putting dick and balls for a a bread basket.

I wouldn't worry.

Anyone who's a fan of that episode isn't going to be disappointed by a mechanical gorilla blowing people.

So, yeah, yeah, Miriam Mugley's as a rainforest conference.

That's nice.

Happy.

Happy to be here.

Fun.

Fun.

Looks nice.

I'm just going to put some water on the table for you first.

Some still water with cucumber or lemon is what was specified by Miriam.

That means you've got a choice there.

Are you a fan of cucumber water?

Yeah, it's nice.

It feels posh.

In my mind, it's like in a big, it's kind of something like your mum did in the summer, like a big plastic kind of jug.

There's a lot of water there.

There's a lot of water.

Yeah.

You can't have a little thimble of water with a cucumber in it.

Well, it's got to be more water than cucumber, hasn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, cucumber is water.

Really?

Well, it's not exactly the same, because then why would you put it in water?

I do know that, Ed.

Well, I do know that, Ed.

Yeah, but you said cucumber.

No, but you're saying to me,

I know cucumber isn't water.

Hang on.

Well, let's rewind to what you just said.

Cucumber is water.

Imagine if John was ever on trial for something or like

even a witness in a trial.

You would be absolutely ripped apart.

Understand.

They would make mince meat on you.

Do you know in Blackhander when Bull Drinks,

Black Hander's on trial

for killing the pigeon, and then the witness is brought in, Baldrick walks out, and Black Hatter goes, I'm dead.

Whoever I was going to help out,

they'd be like, well, fuck.

Might as well say I'm guilty.

Yeah.

Might get a few years off.

Absolutely.

Character witness.

I'd be a good character witness for someone.

But when it comes to facts, I don't know.

I don't know if you would be, man.

If you're ever in trouble.

Well, so let's say Ed's in trouble.

Right.

And you're brought out as a character witness.

Yeah.

Mr.

Kearns, how long have you known Mr.

Gamble for?

Decade.

And.

Good start.

Really angrily saying decade.

The stenographer just writing that.

Yeah.

One word answer.

Decade.

They're happy.

Yeah.

They got it right.

Usually write loads.

Yeah, they're happy they've got.

He's like, brilliant.

I hope this guy carries on like this.

I don't.

Yeah, no, you're in trouble.

and what is your experience of Mr.

Gamble Ben what what can you speak can you speak to his character uh handsome man that's not not not a not a personality trait I think so yeah it's nice

makes him feeling better in court went to school in Wimbledon

it's Wikipedia at

university I remember watching him

watching a clip of him doing a student stand-up heat and thinking oh my god this guy's phenomenal yeah

uh he does podcasts oh fucking hell john he's going to prison man i'm being led away still in the stand you're you're avoiding saying he's a he's a good guy

what do you want me to say your honor

well no that's the judge examining cross-examining you're not being cross-examined by the judge are you

so you've just spun around and screamed at the judge for no reason or you're calling the lawyer your honor which is which is also wrong if you start saying that to the lawyer going what do you want me to say your honor everyone's was going to be like, this guy's fucking...

He's a fool of the girl.

Em asked you to speak to this guy.

You're a character witness, John.

So you can't just say, well, he grew up in Winward and he's handsome.

I saw a clip of him doing comedy once and I thought he was good.

Yes.

Stay by it, stamp.

But all of it is you avoiding speaking about if Ed's a good guy or not.

All my character witnesses are going to be character comics.

You're there with the wig of the teeth on the stamp.

Calling the lawyers, Your Honour.

Decade.

Well, he's a great guy.

I mean, how do you define a great guy?

Decade.

A great guy hasn't done anything wrong.

You know, if there's someone here,

if there's someone who's done something wrong, then that would be the first thing I'd say.

But the fact that you haven't done anything wrong in my mind means that you're a great guy.

Yeah, but you didn't say me.

Yeah.

You didn't say that.

You just said some facts about him, which can't be...

You said you know me for a decade and I went to school in Wimbledon.

Yeah.

Your boy watched the stand-up clip of him and it was good.

You thought it was phenomenal.

I grew up in South London, Your Honour.

My lords.

Yep.

People of the jury.

He's a South London boy.

Oh, fuck it.

Straight to prison.

I would trust him with my son.

That's good.

And.

You shouldn't, because I will flip out if that chocolate ice cream's not served to me immediately.

Yeah, that's true.

And

I've met his partner, his wife.

I don't know.

They seem pretty cool.

No?

I think it'd be the first trial where the defendant...

I go to prison.

Well, yeah.

I think this is the defendant and the character witness.

No,

you both go in.

Yeah, we're both in.

I think they just chuck you in the cell with him.

They'll be like, the defendant's going in and then chucking that character witness as well because clearly

something's wrong with him.

Something's wrong with me.

Yeah, he's clearly done something.

How do you say someone has good character?

You've got to give an example.

I would say Ed's always there for you if you need him.

Well, he's not.

For me, he's not.

Because our friendship isn't that deep.

I've got maybe five months.

I still understand.

You've never requested

that, though.

I've never reached out to Ed in a moment of crisis.

Yeah.

But,

Your Honour.

Do you feel like you could if you need?

I think if...

So this is the sort of thing you should be saying.

I think if I had a moment of crisis,

he's in the top.

No, don't do that.

Top 40 people I'm calling out.

That's actually more than I thought.

Yeah?

That's not bad.

I I don't think it's good enough for the Druid, the courtroom.

Whoa,

you make your own minds up.

Wow.

If you say that on the stand, he's dead.

I'm dead.

He's getting fried.

He's on the election.

They're bringing back the death penalty.

That's it.

What, just for that?

Yeah.

What you're saying?

Telling the jury you make your own minds up.

If you get a character witness and you sit them down, you keep banging on about this.

You know, I don't have any examples.

If I can only give examples.

If someone was a bad person,

then I'd go, yeah, I've got an example when they're bad.

But a good guy...

What the fuck are you going to say about a good guy?

You've got examples of whether they're good.

Do you know what's too complicated?

The fact that I don't have anything about him is actually that maybe there is something about him.

Maybe there is something.

He's squeaky clean.

He's too squeaky clean.

He's walking the green mile.

So, John, can you see why James said you'd fall apart in court?

Yeah.

Because this is a fake court.

Imagine him as a lawyer.

Yeah, yeah.

Twirling round.

Twirling.

Yeah, twirl round.

You'd twirl round.

Imagine him as a judge looking at you.

Fuck me.

Kangaroo court.

Kangaroo court.

Now we have some

heavy sourdough bread.

Or.

Brown bread.

This is another one where there was an ore in there.

You did a little sigh when you heard heavy sourdough.

Yeah, it seemed to be that spoke to you.

There's a nice bakery near me, but you buy this sourdough,

unless you're eating a whole loaf in a day, the next day it's heavy.

It's like

it's gone.

Yeah.

It's gone.

Do you not use it for toast in that instance?

Well, I read that if you wet it and then put it in the oven or something, it brings bread back to life.

I can't be bothered with that.

We've got to wet it and put it back in the oven.

If you get a baguette and it's gone hard.

Yeah.

If you dip it in water, put it in the oven,

comes back to life.

You know, like, you know, like in Fantasia when the brooms all come back to life.

It's like that.

So you keep on getting more and more pressed.

It's duplicated.

Yeah, like 40 of them.

Chasing, yeah.

Ah!

And chasing him.

The baguettes.

Jason.

Remember that in Fantasia?

Remember that?

Yeah.

With the brooms, yeah.

Scary.

Scary, yeah.

Stressful.

Genuinely stressful as a kid

thinking,

what is he going to do?

This is awful.

And the pink elephant stuff, crazy thing going on.

Is there any butter?

Not mentioned.

Mimia did not specify any butter.

Dry bread.

Yeah.

How are you feeling about that?

My nan used to make sourdough till she was like 90.

Wow.

Not sourdough.

Soda bread.

Quite a hip.

Quite a hip nan, I was going to say.

No, I've got the bread wrong.

This is your Irish nan.

Yeah, soda bread.

If anyone listening has never made the bread.

Petito's lost it.

Petito's absolutely lost it.

I don't know what you're laughing at.

Well,

it's funny that you said sour, though.

Yeah, well,

and then.

It's how quickly you realise you'd made a mistake.

Yeah.

Sour, I don't know.

Soda bread.

No, I'm completely wrong again.

Soda bread.

If anyone listening has never made bread, make a soda bread.

You need buttermilk.

I think

he's lost it.

Ben's got it.

I don't know why he lost it.

Ben's at the point now where everything you say is funny.

So

for the listener.

I don't know why he's laughing about it.

Well, there's a thing

that I'm saying.

I think you know, but like,

there's a thing that you do, John, where

you can be earnest to the point where it's very funny.

Yeah.

So you go in, if anyone's listening to this has never made bread.

Yeah.

Make soda bread.

Yeah.

And you're being really serious.

And you're stroking your beard from your chin down to your neck.

That's right.

And you're going like,

Because

buttermilk.

Yeah.

And you're just listing it like it's.

And when everything you're saying now, I'm imagining you're still in the stand.

Like a recipe.

Yeah, you're still on the stand for this whole thing.

Why am I.

Buttermilk.

When you got the bread wrong, the jury were like, we don't like this.

And he's had another 10 years added to his sentence.

And you are on the stand as a character witness for it the whole time.

So like when you go, my nan made sourdough.

No, soda bread.

They're like, oh.

If I'm in a jury and someone went, my nan made sourdough.

Sorry, soda bread.

I'm not going, hmm.

If they they were character witness, I can't trust this guy.

If they were a character witness, yeah, I'd be like that.

I'd be like, we're supposed to

be this.

This feels irrelevant.

Buttermilk, flour, I don't know, a bit of water in a bowl.

Just do it.

No proving.

You don't have to.

You don't have to prove it, correct?

What you do in court?

Yeah, you don't do it.

The burden of proof, mate.

You've got to prove lots of things in life.

But to make soda bread.

List of things you've got to prove.

You've got to prove

when you go to to uh

pay a bill yeah

you've got to bring a you got when you go to the post office or something you've got to bring a bill proof of address proof of address uh when you go to an airport you've got to prove that it's you with your passport yeah proof

making uh

uh sourdough you got to prove it wet cloth over it for an hour put it in the sun be proved

soda bread you don't need to prove it takes 20 minutes whack it in the oven nice bit of butter unsalted butter then crystal salt over it.

And your own salt.

Maybe a bit of jam, whatever you want to do.

Blackberry jam?

Handpicked?

Yeah, my mum took the blackberries to make jam.

You don't need to.

There's an apple tree in my parents' garden.

Well, you're about to ask me if I knew that there was an apple tree in your parents' garden.

Yeah.

No.

Okay.

I'll have some sourdough.

You tell us about the apple tree.

What was about the apple tree, you were saying?

It's a year on, year off.

I didn't realise apple trees were like that.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

We've got a pear tree and a...

Is it year on, year off?

Don't know.

It's a partridge in it.

Nope.

Merry Christmas.

Here, Mr.

Kearns, we have for you some chopped liver from Panzers with Ikea Round Crisp Bread.

Thank you.

Now,

I wait for you to go.

When you start talking about, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want to upset.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't want to upset.

I do have to stay for it, though.

Okay.

So we can have the conversation.

Oh, and the wine pairing with this?

Ed?

John, now you're acting like you're about to say what the wine pairing is.

You can if you want.

What is it?

I kick it round crackers from Ikea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The round crisp bread.

You know, like

some chopped liver from panzers.

From panzers.

Yeah, deli.

Panzers deli.

Ed, what's that?

What was it being paired with, Ed?

Oh, a cup of coffee.

Cup of coffee.

And a cup of liver and a cup of coffee

fantastic

fantastic

fantastic well um i like i like liver do you yeah because it's quite an acquired taste and like one of the best lasagnas i ever had had chopped liver in it wow wow said it really uh got it really meaty yeah yeah and i had liver on Pat Cahill's stagduck.

There's a really posh Italian restaurant.

What a stagda.

It begins with B

in Piccadilly.

Italian restaurant.

Posh.

Fellow Italian.

I reckon loads of people listening would have hoped.

Bango.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Went there.

And I had the offal.

Yeah.

Did you feel brave when you ordered it?

Well, no one else ordered it.

Yeah.

Were they impressed?

Was everyone like, ooh, John's getting the offal?

Yep, yep.

Because I said, I've never been there before.

You know, you can go anywhere, get a car bra or anything.

But I regretted it massively.

It was like heart-lung, disgusting.

It's awful, isn't it?

My mate, Greg's got a ragu.

I'd rather have that.

I'd rather have that.

How many people on the stag?

10.

No, only me, Greg, and Pat on the.

And this is Greg James.

Yeah.

You can decide if we edit that out or not, but I think that's a funny detail that it's you.

That's what we Greg James and pat cahill on a free man stag and you've ordered offal

well you know yeah i ordered offal but i like the liver bit i remember that yeah but you didn't like the heart or the lung no god no is that because you were thinking about what it was or was did you genuinely not like it's pretty high up on what i'm thinking about

pretty high up do you know the heart rolls out did you know that it's a muscle I actually did not know it rolled out.

I had no idea.

The heart.

So you picture the heart, you go, oh, it's the size of a fist.

It rolls out to like

a stretch of like, I'd say a foot long.

Wow.

It's all wrapped around.

Yeah.

Wow.

How was the, was there like a sauce on the offal?

No.

Just grilled.

Yeah.

It's like a delicacy.

Yeah.

And I don't think any IKEA crackers are going to

put my mind off it.

But I think chopped liver, like from Jewish delis, is more like a sort of pate consistency.

It's like chopped liver and you can sort of spread it on.

Yeah.

Yeah, like a chicken liver pate.

Sounds lovely.

This deli, is it like a famous Jewish deli?

Yeah, in London, in North London, yeah.

Fantastic, panzers.

Yeah, I love that.

Thanks.

Uh, with a nice black coffee to

really get it through me.

So, yours is the black, the black coffee is that's how you have your coffee.

Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, nice maracana with a sugar, you know, nice.

I like, I like hot coffee, yeah, can't drink cold coffee.

So, even if I have a sip and it's cold, it's done.

John, you arrived here today drinking an iced latte.

I literally saw you today

walk into this building drinking an iced latte.

I never get it.

I never, ever, ever get it.

You're on a seminar now.

It could not be colder.

Cubes of ice in it.

Oh,

yeah.

I never do it.

I went in.

I went, do you do iced coffee?

She went, yeah.

So I'll have one.

No, I never have it.

I never have it.

Mad that I know that sounds mad.

Yep.

I get the jury are pretty cool with this.

No, they're no, they're not.

No, they are.

No, they're not.

No, no, no.

Because in my mind, you're in the court.

You're going, I never have an iced coffee.

And you're holding a laugh where you're drinking.

I just need to know where I am.

Am I in a courtroom or a restaurant?

Because it feels like I'm at a restaurant.

It's a gorilla about to drop down and suck me off at some point.

I'm eating crackers and liver with a coffee, and there's 12 people on a bench looking at me.

Lawyers wandering around, waiters wandering around.

Let's not forget there's a fucking genie who won't leave my side.

I can't talk about the food.

Good God, man.

Right.

Well, do you know what, fight?

I'm in a restaurant and I'm also being judged by a jury.

Yeah.

There's a waiter.

Genie, obviously, and

there's a lawyer pacing.

All right, well there we go.

I do like black hot coffee.

I don't know, once every two years, I'll have an iced coffee.

Crackers.

Yep.

From Ikea.

IKEA, everyone knows IKEA's, that's the fun bit at the end.

Yeah.

That's your reward.

That's your treat.

That's like, you know, parents' evening.

Let's get McDonald's.

You've done the IKEA.

Let's get some hot dogs.

Meatballs.

Yeah.

Good value as well.

Mappy.

Nice restaurant.

Love it.

Love it.

Come back.

Bring people.

Bring people.

Miriam has added a soup course.

Right.

So after the liver and the coffee, there's now a soup.

Yeah, the coffee was my addition, remember?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's just the drinks pairing.

You know, well, you won't pair a drink with the soup.

Well, you will.

Chicken soup with mozzo balls

and carrots, celery, and onion.

Goodness me.

Paired with Ed?

banana milkshake.

Banana milkshake.

I don't have to drink it, I suppose.

Oh, yeah, here's this drink pair and something.

Leave it there.

Leave it there.

The gorilla can have that.

See, won't go to the distance.

Yeah.

He won't know.

That's when the gorilla.

Grabs the straw.

Can't leave his luck.

Yeah.

It's a decoy.

Folks are this one.

It's a decoy shake.

This one keeps coming.

Freezing.

I tell you what, not much girth to it, but it's a given.

Bendier than normal.

Shocking.

No, it's shocking.

It's shocking.

I hope the windows.

That's what happy gorilla.

I hope the windows.

I hope there's curtains or something.

Foliage.

Yeah, some trees.

No one can see it.

Well, I mean,

is there anything better than, you know, a fortifying bowl of

lovely chicken soup with some of those balls?

Lovely.

Butter balls?

Lovely.

I don't know what they are, really.

They're dumplings.

Yeah,

butter dumplings.

We definitely spoke about it with Miriam.

I know that it's a very salty soup, but I only know that because of the film Love and Mercy.

Have you seen that film?

The Brian Wilson film?

Love that.

When you cook pasta,

there's a rule, and

it's about how salty you get the...

How much salt do you put in when you're making pasta?

I just put like a big sprinkle, I guess.

I do big sprinkles.

But apparently it's got got to be loads, hasn't it?

It's like a tablespoon.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's a phrase, it has to be as salty as a certain sea, maybe the Atlantic.

As a particular sea.

Well, who knows that?

I don't know.

I'm watching this thing.

And the guy goes, it's got to be as salty.

I don't know what C.

I don't know what C.

What's the saltiest C?

The one where you float.

Dead Sea.

Dead Sea.

So it can't be that.

That's too salty.

It can't be that, can it?

Because then all the passes floating up at the top, popping around.

floating yeah yeah

yeah so it got maybe the Atlantic yeah

probably the Mediterranean I guess if it's Italy Mediterranean Ben's saying the Mediterranean

it'd be weird if it was a sea that didn't touch Italy yeah yeah I thought that

a lot of salt in that

a lot of salt in that soup Yeah, so I'm going to have some nice that cucumber water still there.

Again, the banana milkshake is whatever.

That banana milkshake can do whatever it wants.

Fantastic.

I tell you what, I'm bringing people here.

Yeah.

Maybe a birthday.

I'll have a birthday here.

That's nice.

But you can warn them about the gorilla?

No, don't tell anyone about the gorilla.

No.

Great games.

Have a dough.

He can't be seen.

He's big time.

Yeah, so he can't go there.

He's top 10 BBC.

He can't be seen being surprised and notched off by a gorilla.

And it's not a gorilla for anyone, you know, writes in.

Well, it's a mechanical thing.

Yeah, yeah.

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You're all set for a nail glow-up.

Let's get those nails looking fabulous, shall we?

Your main course now?

I'm going to give it to you.

Do you want to read it out?

Thank you.

What have you got for your main course?

Mummy's fried place

with olive oil and matzo meal.

Is it who's mummy?

My mummy?

This is what you have to decide, I guess, because obviously for Miriam,

this is her mummy.

She didn't say John Kearns's mummy.

So you would think that, yeah, like the main course is Miriam's mummy's place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you go to a restaurant and it says mummy's fried, whatever,

you're not thinking my mummy.

No, you're thinking the mummy of...

Yeah.

Whoever owns the restaurant.

But like, for you, I mean, this is Dream Restaurant.

You're here for the...

I mean, we could...

I don't think it's out of the question that we can make it your mummy's fried place.

I don't think

a place.

Nah, she doesn't really cook fish.

No, fish was, you went out for fish.

Yeah, you went out for like, you know, stinks the kitchen.

Yeah.

Mummy's fried place.

I wonder how she does she say how her mummy does it?

Is it like, you know, what's the difference between fried place and Miriam Marglees's mummy?

Easy for you to say.

Olive oil.

Yeah.

And matzo meal.

Huh.

Is that what was in the balls?

Yeah, I think it's the same stuff.

It's a little matzo.

It's a little matzo.

But you know, Jewish food is delicious, man.

Yeah.

Well, it's just fish and matzo meal.

Miriam Magalise's mummy's matzo meal.

It's lovely.

How fast can you say that, Channel?

Miriam Magale.

Yeah.

I mean,

do you want to have a go?

I'll try.

Miriam Magalisa's Mummy's Matzo Meal.

Ed?

Miriam Margolise's Mummy's Matzo Meal.

Miriam Margolizo's Mummy's Matso Meal.

You said Margolizo's.

Both times you've fallen at Margolise.

Yeah.

When you said it slowly the first time, you said Miriam Margalise.

Yeah.

What is wrong here?

So it's Margolis, it's not Magalis.

Okay, I think you eat it maybe just.

Miriam Margolis's Mummy's Matzo Meal.

There you go.

There we go.

Brilliant.

Yeah, brilliant.

Sounds nice.

Some chips.

No, no.

That's not on there, is it?

Tell you, that's quite healthy, that.

Yeah.

Place is quite a delicate fish.

John, just for the listener, John said it's quite a delicate fish and then looked at me as if he wasn't sure.

And he was just checking that he'd got it wrong.

Yeah, the jury can see that.

They can see you

look into the

accused with guilty eyes after you've said something.

It's quite flat, isn't it?

Flat, big flat fish.

Yeah, flat.

Yeah.

Everything's flat.

Flat fish.

Do you get any seasoned?

You know, can I do anything with this or is it just having...

Would you want to know what you're having for your side?

And then you can...

Ed, what's it paired with?

The main course?

The fish?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, come on.

Give me something nicer now.

Rose.

Oh.

There you go.

Yeah, lovely.

Dry Provence.

Oh.

Yeah.

I've had that.

Yeah.

The paler the better.

That's what I'm hearing.

Yeah.

When did you have that?

I think I've been to Provence.

Had it there.

I think I've been there.

Yeah.

There's a chapel.

The,

you know, Matisse, the artist Matisse, he built this chapel there.

And it was the last thing he did before he died.

And like, he painted from his bed, like on the walls with a long paintbrush.

With a really long one.

It's like a Taskmaster task.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Matisse, he'd have been good at Taskmaster.

Yeah, yeah.

Picasso, Taskmaster.

Do you you think Matisse would have stood up to Greg Taminam apart, though?

Like he might have been alright at the tasks, but then getting told he's rubbish in the shoe.

He's stomp off.

Yeah, yeah.

Artists.

He's dumb off.

Comedians, you sit there and take it.

Yeah.

Some of them.

Maybe they're the kids one.

I don't know.

Happy to meet Mike.

Matisse meeting Mike.

You think Matisse would like to meet Mike, wasn't he, Ak?

Matisse doing the kids one.

This is Matisse as a kid or as an adult inexplicably entered into the kids' master?

Well, the kids don't know who he is.

Well, they know he's an adult, though.

They'll be able to tell.

They know he's an adult.

He's bigger than them.

Massive.

He was massive by the end.

Was he?

Yeah.

What's the,

you know, is there like...

I'm thinking about art now.

I'm thinking, you know,

candlelight maybe.

Nice, nice place mats.

Place like the fish.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Place like the fish.

Flat fried fish.

I mean, the thing is, right, let's be honest here.

I don't know a mummy, and it's a bit of fried fish and some matzo meal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, great.

Would you like to know a mummy?

Yeah.

Would that help?

Miriam Mugleys' mummy.

Would that help if you were introduced to a mummy?

Yeah, I think, you know, I reckon the apple don't fall far from the tree.

I think you'd be like, this all makes sense.

You know, like, I met Sam Campbell's parents in Australia.

Bang.

It all makes it, it just fits.

Do you remember the first time we met Sam Campbell?

Well, maybe you...

Right, okay.

But we didn't meet him at the same time, but the first time I...

He was an arsehole to me.

Yeah.

So the first time I became aware of him.

He knows.

I told him this.

Yeah, yeah, he knows.

We were at the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

It was probably like, I don't know, 2013, 2014, something like that.

Right.

And we were in one of the festival bars in the evening.

And you came up to me looking grumpy.

And you went, have you met this Sam Campbell?

And I went, I don't know who you're talking about.

And you were like, is there a comic over here?

He's really over familiar.

He's rude.

And I was like, big for his boots.

I thought, I don't think you said big, but you were like, he's over familiar.

He's rude.

I was like, oh, I don't know who he is.

He's rude.

And we stood next to the bar.

And then like, literally, like, within a minute of you saying that to me, Sam was like doing a lap of the pub.

And he just, he didn't even stop walking he went past and he said something he leant over went mr kearns and he was like that's that's that's the guy he just kind of he just he just looped around and carried on going yeah and i was like he's a wind-up i was like oh that's it yeah that's that's what you said you he keeps winding me up he's a wind-up merchant he's a wind-up merchant you were like he's winding me up all festival he keeps winding me up yeah he'd say stuff like the great john kearns yeah that was it that was it and i'd be like i don't know you yeah he probably meant that though do you enjoy the way he said it is winding me up over familiarity yeah when you don't know someone is that the hell's going on yeah or uh someone being a bit like i i i love having the piss taken out of me but i've got to know where that's coming from yeah yeah you got to know the intention yeah yeah and if i know someone and like them you can say anything to me because i'd find it funny yeah if i don't know who you are and you're doing that I put the drawbridge up.

Yeah.

And then I look through the little hole going, what's going on out there?

who's that then i go back into the castle yeah chat to my friends come have a look look through there who's that who's that australian guy on the other side of the moat just doing weird dances and

this castle analogy where's the drawbridge don't you you've got to let things go man because i'm in the forest now now you're going to start saying it's an expression it's an expression yeah

offending you i don't want to argue in front of the lawyers about this or the gorilla or the gorilla.

Or anything.

You spending a lot of plates at this point because now you're in a castle with a drawback.

Not in a castle.

You just said you're looking at a little man dancing on the

side of the moon.

So I brought the drawbridge up.

The metaphor

being that I don't know him, so I'm not letting him in.

Now I let him in.

I know who he is.

I like the guy.

So he's in the castle now.

He's in the castle now.

He still winds me up.

He goes to me, creator of worlds.

So he keeps introducing me like that.

And again, I'm like, what the fuck's his game?

He means it.

Yeah.

But he's got a smile.

He's got a thing.

Yeah, well, he knows it's funny to say it, but he does mean it as well.

But it's like he's going over your head to the audience.

And I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, no, you do it to me.

You do it to my face.

I'm kicking him out of the castle.

He's gone.

He doesn't need my castle.

He's got his own castle.

Didn't last long.

He's in another castle now.

He's got his own castle.

Sam didn't speak to me for ages.

And then I found out he'd been texting James saying he was in the same room as me.

Yes.

This is, he plays games.

He plays games.

He was texting me saying I can't believe I'm in a room of Ed Gamble.

Yeah, he plays games.

Yeah.

He plays games and he's and he laughs about it, pissing himself laughing.

This guy always laughing.

Point is, I met his dad and I went, Apple don't fall far from the tree.

Yeah.

I met your parents.

Yeah.

Don't think I've met.

I don't think I've met anyone.

If you met Ed's...

Yeah, I don't know if you would think Apple falls far from the tree with him.

No, I didn't think that with you, actually.

Maybe a little bit.

Yeah.

Really?

I didn't think that with you, really.

No, when you get to know him.

Oh, really?

Who?

I guess it's like...

My dad.

Both.

Both.

Perfect mix.

When you're young, you think it's one, though.

Yeah,

when you're younger, you think it's one.

Well, I went through different phases.

I think I was more like my dad, more like my mum.

Same.

But now I can.

Yes.

Both their voices are in my head all the time.

Same.

Especially since having a kid.

When I'm 15, I'm like, yeah, my dad.

And now I'm like my mum.

And now you just, it's that that realization as you get older that you are that mix.

And there is no getting away from that.

But also you feel very lucky.

So it's a good mix.

I'm not moaning about it.

But yeah, that's something you don't really, it's quite, it's on the surface in your 20s or when you're a teenager.

You're like, yeah, I'm like my dad because he likes music and I like music.

He can't stop buying CDs.

He has to hide them in the car because, you know,

my mum won't let him in the house with CDs anymore.

You know, I'm like, yeah, I buy CDs.

All that stuff.

Classic.

And

now I'm older.

I'm like, yeah, my mum, I'm like, my mum.

Because you don't like CDs in the house.

I like CDs in the house, but nothing to play them on anymore.

He used to always buy music.

Yeah.

And

my mum would just, yeah.

And then he'd smuggle them in.

He'd like make me smuggle them.

I was like a mule.

He'd go, just bring them in.

up your t-shirt.

The reason why I talk about parents is Miriam Margolies' Mummy's Fried Place.

I've never met Miriam's mummy, but I'm sure that's going to be lovely.

Fried flat place with olive oil, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

And a side dish

of roast potatoes, small frozen peas, braised celery and braised carrots.

Fantastic.

Absolutely gorgeous.

It's already, sounds a bit dry.

Well, maybe a drink pair him with it to

drink me gravy.

Go on, I'll give you that.

Pint of gravy.

Oh, roast potatoes.

Beautiful.

How do you make your roasts?

Pretty classic, I'd say.

Parboil.

Parboil.

Parboil the potatoes.

Shake them around.

Yep.

Some salmonellena or ruffle.

Don't do any of that.

Some what?

Oh, no, no, no, no, don't.

No?

Well, I don't know how to say the word.

He's on me.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah, I'm on him because he said Samolema.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, what is it?

Well, no, so you have another go?

I'm doubling down.

Samolema.

Semolina.

Semolina.

Oh, Samolema.

You know what?

You don't want Samolema.

Salmonella.

That's Sam Campbell's nickname.

Yeah.

So that's what Nigela Dosh puts the Samolemo.

Yeah, I'd go maybe a bit of flour and then very, very hot fat, put it into the hot fat.

Cover it with the hot fat into the oven.

Brilliant.

Love that.

I'll have them.

Braised celery.

I've never cooked that.

It's the second time celery's come up.

I've never cooked celery.

Have you ever had cooked celery?

Celery goes into the base of a lot of stuff.

So you will have had cooked celery.

I've had a lot of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've actually done it myself many times.

Yeah, celery, onion, carrot into the base of like a stew.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do that most weeks.

Yeah.

Braised, never braised it though.

Never, I'm not going to start braising it.

Well, that's delicious.

I mean, look at that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm happy.

I mean, that's pretty basic, isn't it?

It's pretty basic, but I thought you would like that because I know.

It's very home.

I know that you like a roast and you like talking to people about how they do a roast.

I was pretty sure you would ask Ed how he did his roast potatoes because it's your you love knowing that about us James.

Well, so it's everyone has their own way.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, how do you do it?

What's the James A.

Castor roast potato?

Parboil them.

Yeah, yeah.

Put them on the tray with loads of loads of olive oil and salt and pepper.

That's it.

I forgot salt and pepper.

That's it.

Then squash them, I squash them all into the, so I push down on them with the back of a spatula, squash them all on so they break a little bit, not fully, just break a little bit, and then put them in the oven, roast the hell out of them, you get those nice little crispy bits where you've where you've smashed them.

Put your herbs in 20 minutes before the end.

Don't put them in at the beginning.

Good tip.

Rub the herbs with olive oil so they don't burn.

I love it.

What I like about this menu is you do feel like I'm in like Miriam's brain.

I'm in her house.

Another place.

Like this is no, no, no.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

No, no, no.

So is the castle inside the brain?

No.

So your castle is in Miriam's brain?

Because I can picture it that you're in the castle with the drawbridge.

You can look out of it and see people dancing the other side of the moat.

Yeah, there's a gorilla.

And then inside the castle...

Gorilla at the turret.

Yeah.

Inside the castle, there's like trees and stuff and there's a gorilla at the turret.

And then you're sitting at like a

on the stand having your meal.

And there's a jury in there.

So I can picture it all.

there's a Bible as well.

There's a Bible there, bro.

You got to swear on the Bible.

Yeah.

Does that mean anything to you?

The Bible?

Yeah.

Like, if you're swearing on the Bible, are you thinking this is serious stuff?

Are you thinking, I don't believe in that anyway?

I don't care.

You're asking me if I swear on a Bible, am I taking that seriously?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Do they have another option now?

They must do.

Like the Da Vinci Code or something.

If that's your book of choice.

That's your favourite choice.

Book of choice.

It's your choice.

It could be like Nigel Slater's Real Food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What book means the most to you?

Yeah.

You're asking me.

Yeah.

Or maybe that Japanese book, In the Shadows.

Swear on that.

I've learned a lot from you.

Yeah.

Well, you've learned three things.

Three things.

That's a lot.

What's Kermode's rule about comedy films?

If he laughs three times, it's a comedy film.

Kermode?

Yeah.

I think that's anyone who doesn't know you, which by now everyone knows you who's listening to this podcast.

By the time they've got to this point in the episode.

But like,

if people didn't didn't know john kearns i would say he's the kind of guy who takes mark kermode's rules for life very seriously and will quote the

when you hear someone uh give a rule yeah you it's it's fun and it's nice you go well is that a rule i want to live by yeah because i'm i'm always i think looking for rules are you i'm always looking for things to hang the coat on hang the hat on yeah yeah because otherwise you're just scrambling around in life so if someone goes if i laugh three times in a film, it's a comedy, I'll go, hmm, well, okay.

How often do I laugh at comedy films?

Not a lot.

But there's like sad films and stuff where there's three laughs in.

Does that make it a comedy film?

No.

Also.

That's the problem with comedy these days.

You don't know what's comedy anymore.

Well, Mark Kermode does.

If he laughs three times.

Do you think Mark Kermode, when he's laughed twice at a film, gets in his head?

Because then he's like, yes.

Yeah, 100%.

Am I going to laugh a third time?

Oh, here we go.

That third one's got to be difficult because now he's thinking, if I laugh again, it's a comedy.

If I don't, it's not.

And now he's overanalysing it because the first two laughs might have come easily.

You know, he's been like, oh, that's funny.

He doesn't get on with his son and his son had to go at him.

And that's funny that Minnie Me humped the laser.

And then after that, is he like, oh, when am I going to laugh?

Ostepaz.

Ostepaz two Spice Shagmy.

You're laughing at the title for that.

Yeah, so that's one.

Holy moly.

You're laughing at the title immediately.

You've laughed before you've gone in.

Spy Shagmy.

Laugh.

I'm laughing at the name.

I saw that film with my nan and she fell asleep in the trailer.

I watched it, I just watched it.

Just you?

Just me.

Well, my nan was there.

Yeah, but she's asleep.

Yeah.

She's still there.

You had a good time?

Loved it.

Funny film.

I'd run away from home.

Sorry?

I'd run away from home.

I was sick of it.

What?

I don't know.

I don't know how old I was, but I was sick of it.

So I went, right, I'm off.

And then I got to my nan's.

Hang on.

You run away from home with respect to your nan's house.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not at home.

I might run away from home.

Yeah, but to your nan's house, which is basically a house.

I think she's going to basically.

Anyway, she calls my mum.

Yeah.

She went, he's here.

Yeah, of course.

And I remember being at the top of the stairs, looking down.

Didn't your nan live in Ireland?

That's pretty important.

No, no one.

They're from Ireland.

She's in Tootin.

I thought you'd run away to Ireland.

And I'm looking down at the bottom of the stairs, like, yeah, I mean, what are you going to do about it?

And I can just see my nan talking to my mum.

She's like, okay, okay.

Now I'm thinking they're going to collect me.

Yeah.

My mum clearly went, he can stay there.

So I was there for three days.

I'm like, this is bad for me.

How old were you?

Well, Spider-Shagged me.

I went to see him.

That was a 12.

And I'm probably feeling a little bit cheeky seeing that.

So maybe I'm 11.

98, 99?

Yeah.

So you ran away from home?

I ran away from home.

And I'm thinking, yeah, my parents are going to be like, where is he?

Like, oh, we've got to get him back, our beautiful son.

Yeah.

My dad crosses me up.

She says, he's here.

He's here.

My mum clearly went, fuck him.

Have him.

Yeah.

And I remember going, hey?

That's gone.

That's not...

Totally called you bluff on it.

Oh, they called my bluff.

But then, well, my dad went, do you want to go to cinema?

Went to Wimbledon.

Went to cinema.

So your dad said to you, do you want to go and see Spy Who Shagged Me?

I just, I remember thinking, I want to.

She didn't say that.

I said that.

You said, did you say, I want to go and see Austin Bales of Spy Who Shagged shagged me?

Well, you know, listener, younger listeners, they'll think it's crazy, but you've got the local paper out, you've got the listings in there.

It's the only way of finding you're picking up cool in the Ojin.

You're cool in the cinema, man.

Yeah, yeah.

And we went there.

Remember, yeah, great movie.

Funny movie.

She fell asleep.

You watched it.

Yeah.

Probably, you know, I wear a wig.

I wear fake teeth on stage.

Maybe formative.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Have you seen the film?

Uh,

oh, fuck.

Yeah.

German film.

About four hours long.

Das Boot?

It's not Das Boot.

Tony Erdmann.

Tony Erdman.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it that long?

It's a long film, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, I've seen it.

Beautiful film.

Yeah, yeah.

About a guy who wears a wig, full of teeth.

You can't be serious with people.

He's always got to be joking.

Yeah, and his daughter doesn't like that.

Yeah, it affects his relationship with his daughter.

And beautiful moment at the end where she finally embraces it.

She puts on the fake teeth and the wig

and she's finally kind of being silly with her dad.

And he's like, oh, fantastic.

And he runs back into the house to get a camera to kind of capture this moment.

The film camera stays on her, just stays on her face for about a minute.

And within that minute, you see her become self-conscious again.

The silliness has gone.

And she slowly takes it off.

And then you don't see him come back.

The idea of being silliness, being light, being funny is just so, it can just go in a second.

The salad.

She added a salad course to this

as well.

So she added a soup.

Just tell me you're going to edit it out.

Just tell me you're going to edit it.

No, that's staying in.

Well, you started again like you're going to edit it out.

No, no,

I just thought there's nothing to add to that.

That's beautiful.

We don't have to punch over everything that you do.

We can just let you talk about silliness in a passionate way.

Green salad.

Yeah.

Green salad.

A green salad for you.

Remain.

Scroach potatoes.

No, I'm not.

End dive.

Endive.

End dive.

End dive.

What was a little end?

Endive.

Endive.

Rocket with a French dressing on the side.

Yeah, brilliant.

Well, no.

Go on.

Be honest.

Be honest.

I don't want it with my potatoes.

Maybe nice with a bit of fish.

Which

you haven't got mummy's fried place.

I'm not eating the salad.

Yeah.

I'm just going to leave it.

Just, yeah.

I admire your honesty with that.

You're not going to eat that.

It's not.

I mean, what?

I like salad.

Yeah.

And a nice French dressing.

I make my own French dressing.

Yeah.

Talk us through it.

White wine vinegar, Dijon mustard, salt, pepper, lemon.

I don't know if that's French, but that's what I do.

Put it in a jam jar, shake it up.

Do you pretend to be a cocktail waiter when you're doing that?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want it, though.

It's hot food, the hot, cold thing going on.

Yeah, you don't like hot cold.

Who does?

Not me.

I don't know.

So somebody who arrived today drinking an ice coffee might

enjoy playing with temperatures.

I don't know.

What about in a dessert, though?

What about, yeah, that's nice and azo, brownie ice cream, lovely.

Love that.

Love that.

I'm a contrarian.

You don't want you don't want cold salad with a roast potato, though.

I kind of agree because it like wilts the salad.

So, every now and again, it's like I'm thinking of like all the different settings and just imagining someone on the witness stand saying the phrase, I'm a contrarian.

Again, if I'm in the jury,

I'm looking at the guy going, well, you know, he's telling me that.

It's worse if you're watching someone and you lean over to the next person and you go, I think this guy's a contrarian.

Whereas if I said, I think this guy's a contrarian, and then I look up at the stand and the guy goes, I'm a contrarian.

I'd be like, okay, he's telling me.

Like Darren Brown would do.

Yeah.

Darren Brown tells the audience what he's doing.

Yeah, he said.

So then they trust him more.

Well, that's the thing about magic.

Yeah.

It's the most honest, artful because they tell you.

You know, it's a trick.

The first thing you are told is, I am going to trick you.

Yeah.

This is bollocks.

Nothing is real.

Welcome to the show.

You should open your shows like that.

I'm going to trick you.

This is all bollocks.

It's all a trick.

Welcome to the show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Curtain up.

Yeah.

Then curtain up.

Then curtain up.

So what you're saying, you're saying it offstage mic.

Yeah.

Offstage mic.

Offstage mic.

Yeah.

Hang on, Curtin.

No.

No, calm down.

You're behind the curtain.

Oh, yeah.

The start of the show.

Lovely stuff.

Maybe shoes.

Just the shoes.

Smoke.

Then I appear.

In the shoes.

Yeah.

I walk on wearing shoes and

throw the shoes away.

Don't even left them there.

Off you go.

That's a funny beginning, isn't it?

That's a funny beginning.

Yeah.

That's funny.

You walk into the theatre, blackout.

Yeah.

Voiceover.

It's all a trick.

This is all bollocks.

This is all bollocks.

I've watched this.

It's a pack of lies.

Okay.

Welcome to the show.

Curtain up, pair of shoes.

Smoke.

I walk on, wearing shoes.

Throw the shoes in the audience.

Don't know who left them there.

Crack on.

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Virgin Mary, no ice, plenty of Worcester sauce, slice of lemon, more celery.

We've got celery again.

Virgin Mary, so no booze in there.

No booze in there.

How do you feel about that?

Great.

No ice.

No ice.

Plenty of Worcester sauce, slice of lemon, celery.

Celery again.

Slice of.

I don't worry what I'll take the lemon out.

Yeah.

Worcester sauce, great.

Plenty.

Yeah, love that.

Yeah.

Do you prefer Virgin Mary or Bloody Mary?

In all honesty?

Do you know, I've probably only had it twice in my life.

Who are these people that are like hungover going, let's get the Bloody Marys down?

I've got shit to do.

Sorry.

Does Miriam drink?

Not sure.

I mean, she didn't want any booze on this menu.

No, it sounds like she doesn't.

I mean, I'm on antibiotics at the moment.

Yeah.

I can't drink till next Sunday.

So that sounds good.

I went to the dentist last week.

I've been to the dentist with you.

I said, thank you, dentist.

Do you know that when you say thank you, doctor?

I said, Thank you, dentist.

It didn't sound right.

You called him dentist?

I went, Thank you, dentist.

Yeah, they are doctors, though, you know.

Hey, yeah, they are doctors.

They are doctors, yeah.

I thought they were dentists.

The title is no, they're dentists.

No, their title is doctors.

I'm calling them dentists.

You don't go to the dentist to call the dentist a doctor.

We've got good news for you, though, John.

The dessert.

I've just realised.

Ben's laughing, Ed's laughing.

James composed with the killer punch.

This is good news.

This is good news.

Well, why is he laughing?

Because it's perfect.

It's a coincidence.

I'm laughing like that.

All right, let me think.

Why is it perfect?

Why would Ed laugh like that?

I was laughing out of happiness.

Oh, okay.

It wasn't a cruel laugh.

It's either ice cream or something to do with the gorilla.

Coffee and dark chocolate ice cream from Narduli.

I think it's in Clapham.

I think we talked about it.

Oh, I live near Clapham.

What is it?

An ice cream shop?

Yeah.

Maybe Margaret says the best ice cream.

She gets a scoop of the coffee, scoop of the dark chocolate.

That's her favourite dessert in the world.

Clapham seems like it's got some nice food places.

Oh, yeah, man.

Who's the chap?

Rue?

The chef.

He just closed.

Michelle Rue Jr.

Everything on Top Jaw, he said Clapham.

I wrote them down on a bit of paper.

I was like, yeah, I live near there.

I need to do all that.

Does he live near Clapham?

I guess so, if that's what he was picking.

A lot of chefs live in Wandsorf area.

Yeah.

Ramsey?

Does he?

Yeah.

Big house.

You'd love Ramsey.

He's one of the kind of people I think you would love to meet.

Yeah.

Like, you would love to meet Gordon Ramsey.

I would, yeah.

There's a certain figures in pop culture.

Kermode is a perfect example as well.

Like, certain people who just seem like

they're staples now.

They're part of the furniture.

They've been there for.

I like meeting the furniture.

And you're like, there they are.

Yeah, I like meeting the furniture.

Mark Kermode, Gordon Van Marshall.

Because the thing with Ramsey, right?

Yeah.

He's

we all know him as like, you know, just

almost like a TV personality.

He's on the Mount Rushmore.

But it's how good he is at the...

Like, everything else is noise.

Yeah.

And like, everyone knows him, maybe, like, everyone knew him from the telly or like just the hell's kitchen or that.

And know him now.

He sells pans.

He'll flog you anything.

But 90s,

he worked his ass off.

But he was the best.

And I like that.

I like when, you know, like when you're like a musician and you love an album and then the other albums are shite.

Yes.

But you don't care because you're like, well, they did that.

Yeah.

Like I like Rufus Wainwright.

And, you know, the last few albums, whatever, not for me.

But because he did what he did early 2000s, poses, he could do anything.

Like, it's that freedom of like, he could do anything.

I'm up for it.

Like, you've got to defend them because they gave you that moment.

And, like, if you go on YouTube and watch the,

there's a documentary about Marco Pierre White and Ramsay because they work together.

It's fantastic.

Keith Floyd turns up.

Marco Pierre White's hero.

He makes him lamb chops and mash.

They just sit there in silence eating it.

And you know, that's good.

Lamb chops and mash.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Yeah, I'd love to meet Ramsey.

I mean, he'd i think he'd hate me i think he'd just be like what's your deal he'd just he'd slap me about a bit yeah he'd point at something i'm wearing and then he'd and he'd go he'd go but there you go you got you've got ice cream well i mean you got your chocolate ice cream you're not sold out it's it's not sold out it's not close you've got it what the coffee vibe what was that a coffee ice cream and a dark chocolate ice chocolate ice cream brilliant happy with that it's a really nice meal you love iced coffee so this is like a meal that you know your favourite at school your your favourite, your mates, like you went, I can't wait to go around to their house.

Yeah.

Because, you know, matzo meal, flat fish, liver and coffee.

Yeah, I mean, the more I say it, the more I'm like, you know, you can give or take some of this.

Now, what I've noticed has happened as well is that normally when we do these episodes, the normal episodes, we ask the guests what they're going to eat and we don't know what they're going to eat.

And as they're saying their courses, Benito will write it down in his notepad.

And then at the end, he will hand it to me so that I can read them their menu back and see how they feel about it now obviously with this one I've got Miriam's menu written down in front of me but I've noticed out the corner of my eye that Ben has still been writing the menu down as we go along and is literally teed up he's about to hand it to me so I can read you your menu back even though I have read you the menu throughout the whole episode and you've got it in front of you he's already in the rhythm of what it used to be like we added drinks to it so he wants me to say that as well but i don't i don't think but i don't think we need to read the menu back but i i love that do you want me to read the menu yeah

your honor yeah

members of the jury uh gorilla

james heads

outside the castle castle uh well fantastic menu uh miriam margulies' tasting menu i had water with uh some still cucumber

still cucumber

that's the way i want my cucumber

if you get a If you get a fizzy one.

I like my water.

I like my cucumber.

I like my water.

Still.

I don't trust a moving cucumber.

Imagine a cucumber just walked, you know, flew across the room now.

Yeah, yeah, you make.

You wouldn't put that in your drink?

No.

Where you saw a cucumber and the four, you think someone's dropping a cake.

That's why cats are scared of cucumbers.

Are they?

Because I think they're snakes.

Yeah.

What's the Ken Dodd joke about a cucumber?

Gone.

What a lovely day

for

sticking a cucumber through the Vicar's letterbox and saying, Vicar, the Martians have landed.

Frank Skinner's favourite joke.

I mean I'm told by Ken Dodd.

Still with cucumber, sliced presumably.

Yeah.

Some soda bread, brown bread, chopped liver with panzers from panzers with IKEA round crisp bread.

Chicken soup with matzah balls and carrots, celery and onion.

Mummy's fried place with olive oil and matzo meal.

You got a coffee with the lever.

Coffee.

Banana milkshake with a soup.

Banana milkshake?

Mummy's fried place.

Olive oil, matzo meal, roast potatoes, small frozen peas.

Specifying that they're small.

And frozen.

Small?

What the fuck?

They're all the same size, aren't they?

Braised celery, braised carrots.

Find a gravy.

Green salad, fuck that.

Virgin Mary, no ice.

I'm having ice.

You can give me ice.

Coffee and dark chocolate ice cream from Narduli.

Happy with that, John?

I'm coming again.

That's absolutely beautiful.

It's a really genuinely beautiful meal.

I'm happy and I'm going to bring people back.

Well, thank you very much for coming back to the dream restaurant.

And after you've paid the bill, there's a little rustling in the trees above you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's gorilla time.

I hope you left a tip.

You're about to.

Yeah.

I mean someone had to say it.

Taking to prison.

Thanks John.

Well there we are James.

I think that actually that's got legs.

That's got legs.

That was good.

Yeah.

I mean look we're saying that now you know it could be that the off-menu Twitter account is just inundated with tweets be like never ever do that again.

I don't like chatting.

I don't think they will because it was nice chatting to John.

Look, the format is even looser than it normally is.

Yeah.

It's an excuse to chat to these people again.

It's nice to hear from John again, learn even more about him and his life and where his life is now.

And also just be reminded of Miriam's menu.

Yes, exactly.

And how tasty that was.

Look, the hardcore are going to love it.

Yeah, the hardcore are going to love it.

And any, there are going to be some people who that's the first episode they've ever listened to.

Crazy.

And they'll be like, oh, cool.

I get it.

Yeah.

It's a podcast where they say to a guest,

here's a meal that another celebrity likes.

Would you like to eat that?

Mug.

Seems cool to me.

Yeah.

Look, there's plenty of people that we want to get on again.

So if you have any requests for people that you'd like to hear again, maybe do this format.

Yeah.

Get in contact with Benito and he'll send you a signed shopping board.

He will.

And also make sure you mention what guest menu you would like them to eat.

Yes, exactly.

Don't forget John's special.

The Varnishing Days is available on Sky.

Thank you very much for listening to this new, it's like a pilot, wasn't it, James?

Yes, it was a pilot.

and fingers crossed we get a full series commission.

Bye.

Bye.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.