Ep 258: Phil Dunster

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the sausage meat of conversation, wrapping it in the puff pastry of friendship, putting it in the humour oven you got yourselves a sausage roll a podcast sausage roll sausage podcast roll that is a gamble my name is james a caster together we're in a dream restaurant every single week we're inviting a guest and we ask them a favor ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in the order and this week our guest is Phil Dunster.

Phil Dunster, a wonderful actor and of course plays Jamie Tarte in Ted Lasso.

Yes, this is our second Ted Lasso.

No.

Have we had more?

No, Nick Mohamed as well.

Nick.

Nick Mohamed.

Tahib Jama.

Phil.

Yes.

Is that all we've had on?

That's all we've had.

Come on, guys.

We've got to do better than that.

We've got to do better than that.

How have we only had three of the Ted Lasso bunch on?

Where's Waddingham?

Where's Waddingham?

Ellie Taylor.

Oh, yeah, come on.

I can't think of anyone else who's in it.

Is that it?

Is that the cast?

But we're very, very excited to have Phil Dunster on.

We're big fans of Phil's.

I've never met him before.

I've met him once.

I played shuffleboard with him at Brett Goldstein's birthday.

Were you good at shuffleboard?

I was all right.

Yeah.

I find it's a bit stressful.

Saw Dunster good at shuffleboard?

He was quite good at shuffleboard actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So maybe be good at picking the right food for his menu.

Maybe indeed.

And you've told me you've done some research for this interview, so I've done some research.

Yeah, I emailed an unnamed source, and I refused to name him.

Okay, and he told me some stuff about Phil Dunster.

Well, looking forward to you unveiling the information that you've collated.

Thank you.

But of course, if Phil Dunster says a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed, he will be kicked kicked out of the restaurant.

And this is your idea, James?

Yes.

This week, the secret ingredient is jammy tarts.

Jammy tarts because he played Jamie Tart, and it sounds a bit like that.

Yeah.

Jammy tarts.

That's good.

Also.

I can say it fast enough.

Rarely do we actually have a food that we think people might pick.

He might pick it.

He might pick it up.

Because people like jam tarts.

Yeah, no one's picked jam tarts yet.

I think jam tarts.

Jammy tarts.

I think jammy tarts, you forget about them

until you see them.

If you're not looking at a jammy tart, they're not in your head, really.

No, not really.

No one's ever craving one.

No, no, no.

Tell you what I could do with now.

So no one's ever picked them from their dream menus, but if this could be the first.

Yeah, yeah, could be.

We'll see.

We'll see what happens.

Phil is starring in Oklahoma in concert.

It is the songs from Oklahoma at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane on the 19th and 20th of August.

So if you are in London, you fancy going to watch that.

I'm sure it's going to be a wonderful show very, very soon.

It's in just a few days.

So if there are any tickets left, get yourself onto oklahomaconcert.co.uk to buy tickets.

And I'm sure we'll chat to Phil about that as well.

Yes, absolutely.

We're going to cover all the bases.

You watch us cover all the bases.

But for now, this is the off-menu menu of Phil Dunster.

Welcome, Phil, to the Dream Restaurant.

Yay!

Welcome, Phil Dunster, to the dream restaurant.

Been expanding you for some time.

The boys in the dream restaurant.

How's it feel to be in the dream restaurant, Phil Dunster?

Feels, smells, and looks great.

Yeah, yeah.

This is good.

So there's this.

When you walk into a restaurant, what smell are you looking for?

Good,

like a good

into the dream restaurant.

Just for the listener, Phil just closed his eyes to imagine the smell.

When he made that sound, yeah, that's what I exactly at that time.

So the dream restaurant is like oaky, Oh, there's a fire.

Not in the back.

Everyone's fine.

Everyone get out.

But there's a fireplace that's got an oaky smell to it.

Maybe that's from the kitchen.

Nice.

But you're not sure when you walk in if it's from the kitchen or not.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's like a bit of peril when I walk in a television.

That's fair enough.

And

big round tables, long tables?

There's

not modern tables in this fire.

Yeah, yeah.

It's got to be stainless steel.

No, there's not long tables.

I find that quite terrifying when they're like, yeah, you know, just take a seat.

There's maybe just over there, Waggamamas does this.

All love to Wagga Mamas, but holy hell, when you're like, oh, for God's sake.

But then, obviously,

there's no pressure to talk to anybody.

But then you're like, you're sort of, you're brushing up against someone that you don't.

Yeah, it's not good.

You feel uncomfortable.

You have to eavesdrop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the rule.

And you end up talking, you're sort of talking like that because you don't want this.

You maybe have a bit of benign conversations, but you're like, I still don't want you to know about what I'm going to have.

Also, it's very because it's warm at the moment as we're recording this.

That just takes me back to maybe going to Wagamamas in summer where everyone's, you know, wearing cooler clothes and you might accidentally brush up against someone's skin with your skin,

which ruins anyone's ramen.

Yeah, I don't want to brush up against anyone's skin.

Yeah.

Not my skin.

No.

Start slipping and sliding off

or sticking.

That's the worst.

Everyone's slipping off the bench at Wagamam's.

Everyone off the same end.

Yeah.

So, no, it's booths.

Is it booths?

There's booths around the edge.

And then, of course,

there's a few tables scattered around, but enough space that you're not having to stand up and like smudge your bum against their salt and pepper on their table to get past.

When it's too crowded, that's a nightmare.

Have you ever knocked some salt and pepper over with your bum?

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, often.

You've got a musty bum, so I've heard.

Yeah,

it's mustly.

What's must?

Musty.

I thought you said musty.

No, no, it's not musty.

I thought you said musty bum.

Mustly.

As in the summer, a wagon bum is a date.

No, muscly.

It's certainly.

It's muscular.

It's cumbersome.

It's muscular, I've heard.

Okay.

You should say who you've heard that from.

No.

Because otherwise.

I've got an interviewer who never reveals his sources.

Twitter.

You like musty bum?

I think for you know, it's largely, I'd say it's probably like 75% of my personality, my bum.

Yeah.

I'm very much bum forward as a person which is which is odd yeah everyone else is bummed back yeah and i don't because you know in life i don't want to see what's coming my way

then it all just yeah yeah yeah

yeah lead with the bum yeah brett goldstein told me that yes yeah and he's seen a lot of it I

he told me it by the way because I said you're coming on the podcast anything I need to know he didn't drop it in the conversation like some gossip once and say guess guess who's got a mustly bum that's that's amazing I always said look Phil Dunstan's coming on what do I need to know like food Yeah.

He told me some food stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he said, also, he's got a musty bump.

I didn't expect it to come up.

To be honest, Phil, it was the one thing that you told me that I thought, well, I won't bring that up.

But then you were going on about this stuff over with your butt.

It must have just felt like such a strange moment that that's then, I mean, this is what I mean about 75% of my personality.

That's clearly, you've been told about it in your.

extensive research.

That is the most research we've ever done for this podcast, by the way.

In fact, the only research we ever do is when someone from Ted Lasso comes on, we ask Brett.

Yeah,

that's only happened once.

Did he come on and I message Brett?

Yeah, he knows.

But he is also like, he doesn't really have much of a, he doesn't really mind about food.

He just wants to have like cashew nuts.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll never have him on.

Yeah, it's a shame.

It is a shame.

We're never going to have him on.

There's no point.

This might be a fun lesson for anyone.

It's never going to happen.

It's sort of like the ante episode where he just sort of don't really get onto any food.

He's just like, what's the, you know, what's the protein levels in it?

Yeah, exactly.

He's not as myopic as that, but when it comes to food, man, when he asks me about food, it's like he's like an alien asking about food.

When he asks you, yeah, when he's going, like, so why do you like this?

I'm like, was it just tasting nice?

Oh, interesting.

He's a curious man.

Yeah.

Tastes nice.

Trying to figure it out in his head.

You eat a lot of Nandos together, I've heard from an unnamed source.

Yeah.

Good, man.

This is good journalism, man.

Thank you.

We do, we do.

Yeah, yeah.

And what he does is he orders the roulette wings plate.

Does he?

What?

Yeah.

Platter.

Yes.

It's truly insane.

I don't know anyone.

I don't know anyone who orders that.

It's such a mad, but it's fun.

I don't like spice.

We're really going to be afraid of it.

That's my third thing on.

Yeah.

You genuinely did find that out, didn't you?

Yeah, those are the three things he told me.

We eat a lot of Nando's.

He doesn't like spice.

He's got a musty bum.

It is astounding that the bum came up.

It really is.

It's true.

You're looking over stuff with your salt and pepper pots really.

And also,

you know, when we asked you to describe your dream restaurant, you said there's some boobs and a lot of tables and chairs.

That's Nando's.

I want some boobs there, then loads of tables and chairs, but not too crowded.

That's every Nando's I've ever been in.

It's very much crowded.

So I don't want to knock over the stuff on the salt and pepper on the table with my bum.

But that's why they have, they've got, and the great thing is they've got all the sauces out of the way.

Yeah.

It's all on the side.

And are you ever tempted to go over to where the sauces are and just drag your bum across the top?

Run it across like a stick on a radiator.

Get all the sauces for the snack of sauce.

It's going to be dated because that's now out.

The peri tamer.

So what spice level do you go for in Nando's?

Peri tamer.

It's not on the

step.

That's maybe a secret, but no, it's not.

It's just a kid's one, basically.

And it's delicious and barbecuey

and rich, but not spicy.

Every now and then, I might go for a little medium.

But I just don't, the way I see spicy food is like scary movies.

I don't like horror films.

And if, because if you're watching a horror film, I feel like I can't taste the film underneath.

If it's good or not, I don't know.

And the same thing goes with spice.

I'm like, this could be a delicious meal, but you're attacking me.

Yeah.

And my head is on fire.

And, but I think, and I can maybe appreciate with my most empathetic skills, I could maybe understand that there's like a sensation.

Um, I've told you about sights, smells, and you know, yeah, but this sensation, yeah, but I just don't, I just don't have it, I can't understand it.

We were talking off-air about roller coasters, yeah, and how I wish I didn't feel like I was about to throw up every single time I came off one of those because I understand the sensation of it is a thrill, but it's funny.

You can't taste the ride under me,

under the ride.

So yeah, the spice level is just,

I want to have the tang, but none of the bang.

Great.

I think this should be the highest compliment to say to an actor.

I would say, out of all the actors we've had on the podcast, you are the furthest from the character that I associate them with.

And it's very surreal

talking to you.

Because I'm like, you should be bullying us and being

mean.

and and and from Manchester

But you know

James's main fascination is actors who can do good accents that aren't their own

What's another one that you

well when Martin Freeman was on I was like do the Fargo accent all the time

I was like I couldn't get my head around how he'd done that every time I see an actor they do a really good accent I mean

obviously my introduction to you was Ted Lasso and when I discovered you weren't from Manchester I was like what the fuck

Like, it absolutely blew my head off that that wasn't your actual voice.

So I was like, he talks like it is.

Once you see me play football, then you're really.

Oh, he's awful.

And then I discovered you got it off Dave Masterman.

Ellis pretending to be Dave Masterman, and that blew my mind even more.

Yeah, that is true.

I mean, no one's because

we don't really, or we do do impressions of Benito on the podcast, but it's usually it's him as like a demigorgen figure in

Stranger Things.

So maybe one day we'll see something.

There'll be like a new hit sitcom.

Yeah.

And there'll be a character who's like,

and it'll be like the actor will come on and go, yes, I based it on the Benagorgan.

The Bene Gorgon that you guys did.

It was based on the Bene Gorgon, of course.

But that's the highest compliment, surely.

It's your art creating more art.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't think I would call Ellison John's podcast art.

As a retro one of myself,

I must say it is we're starting beefs we're starting beefs over here yeah yeah yeah yeah it's actually it started off as a take on ellis going five yardo for the panina

and then my step towards it was liam gallagher and then h the rapper which sort of ended up sort of near h the rapper more because he's probably got more street cred and uh yeah yeah yeah football is pretty cool yeah yeah no disrespect to liam gallagher yeah you definitely went up in street cred from ellis which is absolute rock bottom.

Yeah.

Ellis pretended to be an even nerdier man than himself.

Full respect to Masterman, but

he's got a big bum.

Ellis, yeah.

Yeah, huge thighs.

Yeah, Welshman's that.

You two can never go to Nando's together.

Absolutely.

You'd need a booth immediately.

Please.

A booth for four.

Good luck getting out of the booth.

Just slap down 500 quid.

Yeah, these are for all of the compliments that are going to be on the floor.

We're just going to get this out of the way now.

The whole place is going to be a slip and slide of sprites by the end.

Now, if you would like to see the muscly bum in the flesh.

Oh.

I don't know how much flesh there'll be of that.

Trying to link to the fact that you're doing Oklahoma in concert.

That's very good.

Because we do need to talk about it.

We do.

It's very exciting.

It's two nights at Theatre Royal, Drury Lane.

Yeah.

So this is like when they do musicals, but it's not the full

set production, right?

It's more of a sort of concert.

What is in concert?

It's in concert.

It's a concert in concert.

Yes, so we're doing Oklahoma concert at Theatre Royal Drury Lane.

There's four words in it, and I always nearly get them mixed up.

Yeah.

They're going to have a 28-piece orchestra, which is more than a lot of musicals you would see because it would be very expensive to run every single time.

So it's going to be like a huge sound and it's going to be fairly stripped back in terms of the staging of it.

So I'm playing Curly and Zizi Stroulin is playing Lori Williams, who is, for the uninitiated, like musical theatre royalty, she is unreal.

And I'm not saying this is a sort of like trying to big it up in any way.

She is ridiculously good.

In the way that when you go to see musical theatre, I've never really quite understood how people make the hair stand up on the back of your neck and you want to like, you get the like lump in your throat.

Maybe this is just me.

I over-romanticise it, but I found it so powerful.

And I went to go and see her play.

She was in Pippin in concert.

And she was in Mary Poppins recently as well.

And it's just, she's so extraordinarily talented and so i'm so excited to be doing it with her and with everybody else involved but yeah it's going to be uh it's going to be really fun because it's it's nice also that it's just this sort of two two nights three shows where you can put everything into it and then you're like great yeah

go big yeah go big go to oklahoma go home first musical i ever saw was oklahoma yeah uh a production my dad my dad was a teacher so production at his school yeah and we all went along to watch it my dad in the audience he wasn't in oklahoma i know that's what you thought of me well no i didn't think it I was imagining it.

Yeah, imagine my dad with a cowboy hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that.

But I didn't know what a musical was, and I hadn't been told this is a musical.

It's like, do you want to go and see the play?

So I remember they opened with the song.

I was like, yeah, fair enough.

They've opened with a song.

And then, yeah, how old were you?

I'm like six.

Of course.

And you see, even when you were six, you're going, yeah, fair enough.

Yeah, fair enough.

It's a little song to open.

That's nice.

Then, like, less than a minute later, there's another song.

I was like, are you kidding me?

That seems weird.

Like, you didn't do one very long ago.

Hey, you don't have another song.

This is meant to be a play.

No one's stopping him going, why are you?

Sorry, you were talking, mate.

Why are you singing?

Can we have a bit of dialogue?

Why are you doing that?

By the interval, I was like, okay, so what is this?

This is insane.

They just keep on singing every single five seconds, they're singing the song that no one gets a word in.

They start having a conversation.

And then before you know it, someone's singing again.

what's going on here second half well what happens in the second half just come in just let me know more socks some of them again that we've heard in the first half

oh god but then i remember by the end of it having really enjoyed it and actually i then looked forward to yeah the the school musical every year we go and see it and then i was like i i know the vibe yeah yeah but yes one thing that is very fun about this is that Oklahoma, of course, has an exclamation mark in

the title, yeah which is incredibly rare westward hoe

has that I don't know why that stays in what in Westwood Hoe Westwood Ho Oklahoma ho ho ho ho I guess there's got to be some yeah it's got to be I understand Westwood Hoe more that someone would shout it out yeah Oklahoma is a place yeah

no Westwood Ho is a place

yeah yeah and uh oh I thought they were saying we're going westward but the actual place name has the exclamation mark in it yeah yeah what yeah that's cool I want to pitch that to the people of Kettering if we do it there.

I guess it's important that you shout it right, Westwood.

Oh,

because otherwise, if it's no exclamation mark, it does look like the word ho, which has other meanings, right?

At least I haven't put a comma in there, yeah, yeah, exactly.

I feel like any grammar in a place name feels out of place.

Yeah, I agree.

I can't think of any others,

Phil, Reading.

That's that works.

Born in Northampton.

I have the finest comedic mind.

It's like, I can't, I can't even.

I don't care.

I mean, maybe a question mark I'd put on Reddit for Ready.

Born in Northampton.

Born in Northampton.

What's all this?

Did Brett tell you that as well?

Wikipedia.

He's got a muscley bum, and he was born in Northampton.

Yeah, that's all the Wikipedia.

That's where I get it.

But moved to Reading.

Pretty early on.

So, you know, you're not...

Northampton boy, but you weren't born in Northampton.

That's it.

Northampton, close to catering.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, famous.

Yeah, yeah.

We're 20 minutes in the car.

I got pushed over on stage in Reading.

Did you?

What?

In the arts centre.

Matt stood up, pushed me over.

Yeah.

As he didn't like you.

I was singing the football chant over and over again.

He stood up, pushed me over.

The football chant?

A football chant.

Not a Redding football chant.

A Captain Town FC football chant.

It was a bit I used to do.

And it went on for ages.

That was the whole kind of point.

Yeah.

He stood up.

He was about 50, this guy.

pushed me over, sat down.

He was there with his old mum because he's a fucking loser.

And

I stood up and went,

what did you do that for?

Why did you push me over?

And his mum, it was that ancient, turned to him and went, it's okay, he's a comedian.

And that was, that was the.

He justified it to her son.

It's okay, don't worry.

Yeah, so when I said, why did you do it?

Before he could answer why he did it, she said to him, you know,

give him a reason.

He's a comedian.

You can push him over.

And then, like, it was with Mix Bill.

And I was on second.

The headliners were still to come.

Did we push everyone over just to make it look good?

Well, this is the thing thing he does.

This was the concern.

Because in the interval, the promoters come backstage and went, sorry about that.

Just so you know, we've told him if he does it again, he's out.

And the compare was like, sorry.

Are you saying everyone else in that room has two pushes of a comedic and then they're out?

Because the headliners are an improv troop who do audience participation.

So is everyone else allowed to get up, push fucking one of the noise next door over?

Well, how many of them were there as well?

Does that mean he gets to push all of them over?

Yeah, he could push him in a domino.

And then he's out.

It was quite the stressful game.

That Reading's lovely.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm not that surprised.

I'm not wholly surprised.

Not because of your material, but more because of the state of things in Reading.

But no, it is a lovely place.

And I would like to say that sounds like an outlier there.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it was.

That feels like a real shit.

She's been back to Reading since and no one's pushed you over, right?

Yeah, well, another time I went to Reading

supporting Milton Jones on tour in the early days.

And I thought I'd have quite a good good gig.

It's quite rare to have a good gig as a support act.

So I was really happy with the fact that I finally have had a good one.

And then my dad at the time used to check my Wikipedia every day and he would update it back then.

And he phoned me the next day and he went, James, I just want to check something with you.

Something's been added to your Wikipedia.

I just want to verify it.

If it's not true, I'll take it off.

Were you confronted after your Reading gig by fans who said that your show was rubbish and you cried?

I was like, no.

He's like, okay, I'll take that down.

Someone's added that to you.

Someone said his performance supporting Milton Jones at the Reddit Hex Gilman was so dire that when confronted by his performance after the show, Acaster cried.

I mean, I absolutely love that your dad was like, did that happen?

No.

I'll take it down then.

Rather than just taking it down.

Yeah, yeah.

That did happen, dad.

I'll leave it up there then.

Yeah, that is it.

Wikipedia is a user-based resource.

Yeah.

We always start with still a spark than mortar, Phil.

Do you have a preference?

I do.

that's all we need excellent let's move on with sparkling ah i love sparkling but i i i i feel conscious of the fact that often people they don't hold back when in terms of their loathing of people who like sparkling water sure people feel very strongly about it and i just i just like i mean i like well i'm not going to give away what my drink is going to be um if if i might be so lucky for you guys to ask me that i don't want to assume but um yeah i just like a bit of pizzazz at the start of the meal it sets me up right

I like a bit of Fizz.

Absolute opposite of Jamie Tart.

Jamie Tartan goes Stillwater, Tapwater.

He'd forget when he chooses Fizzy Water

as a snob.

He's up himself.

You're an amazing actor.

It really makes me laugh.

I thought I'd ever met my life.

How blown away you are by acting and people not being like their characters.

Never to this degree.

Never have I seen it to this degree.

This is incredible.

How cool Jamie is.

Are you having a bit of lemon?

I don't know.

No, no, no, I'm not.

No.

It's a bit more Jamie Tart.

Yeah.

I think Jamie Tart would have lemon.

Yeah, I think Jamie Tarte would have lemon.

I think he would think that that, oh, that's proper good, if you put the lemon in.

I reckon Jamie Tarte's putting up two fingers to the waiter or waitress.

Yeah.

And he's going, I'm going to have monster.

I know that there's a drink coming.

I'm having monster now.

Yeah.

Yeah, he went up monster.

Because he's chaotic.

Yeah.

Monster scares me, man.

Not just because it's called monster.

Yeah.

No, admit it.

You don't like horror films either, though.

No, I do.

I do.

I can taste the film underneath.

I get used to them and now I can taste the film.

But monster is scary.

Isn't the cans are too big?

Yeah.

It's called monster.

Yeah, I feel like there's also a real culture around because they sponsor like monster trucks.

Oh, right.

Okay, well, that makes sense to me.

But it's like.

pop lobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, girl, down the street.

Pop lobs or bread.

Bread.

What kind of bread are we talking?

Well, this is a question that I have for you.

Sometimes you're going to see garlicky cheesy bread in the bread section, but then other times you're going to see garlicky cheesy bread in the starters.

If this is my dream restaurant, can I have garlicky cheesy bread with some rosemary on?

Yeah, it's your dream.

Yeah, great.

And that's bread.

If it's booze.

That's bread, baby.

I've always said that.

That's bread, baby.

Yeah.

It usually gets edited out when Ed says that, but

he had said it every episode.

I appreciate you trying to stick to the rules, but you know, that's well within the rules.

Okay, great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I felt Rose.

We've let people have sandwiches for that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Just like...

We've let people have nachos.

We've let people have like

porn crackers, you know.

For crackers, I get nachos.

Okay.

I guess when it's stepped away from...

I'm not telling you how to do a podcast.

Well, you can if you want.

Any inputs.

Every input's needed.

You're the greatest actor I've ever met.

Phil, you can tell me whatever you want.

I have nothing but admiration for you.

I guess when the accoutrement to base ratio is less bread slash carb, that feels like that's then becoming a starter.

Yeah.

I think we had naturals, we've had, definitely had, yeah, tortilla chips, certainly.

Tortilla chips.

Have you ever had that, but with Poppadom?

Because I feel like bread is a higher ratio pick than poppadom.

Yes, it is certainly.

Yeah, absolutely.

Does anyone ever, if they can just run roughshod over the bread poppadom debate, is anyone doing anything particularly interesting with the poppadoms?

Are they doing cheesy garlic poppadoms?

I think we've had cheese on them.

Melted cheese poppadom sandwich before.

Yeah, we have.

Someone chose that.

Because then I promised that I'd eat one in the bath for some reason.

Yeah, and then he still hasn't done it.

And by the way, in the episode where he promised he would do that, absolutely adamant he was going to do it.

Yeah, really, like, for me.

Me saying, you're not going to do that, him being like, I absolutely guarantee you that I will.

As soon as the episode went out and people were asking for it, he went, I'm doing that.

There's no way.

That's a comic relief.

As if I do that, why would I do that?

That's a comic reliefer.

That's like baked beans,

a bath of baked beans.

Yeah.

Classic.

What was it?

Eating a poppadum in the bath?

Eating a popped-down cheese sandwich in the bath.

Okay.

He was certain he was going to do it.

I mean, if comic relief gets hold of you and asks you to do it, you do it.

I just don't think it would make a lot of money for them, really.

I disagree.

Oh, if they're asking you,

they know their stuff.

Bath of beans, I get it.

It's like, oh, gross.

I'm sat in a bath of beans.

I understand why that was a thing.

Yeah.

But just someone having a normal bath, eating something.

To be honest, I think Comic Relief would get more people to donate if they said, it is this celebrity having a normal bath.

I think a lot of people would be like, great.

Great.

Gabble's dick.

My dick.

I don't bath with my dick out of the bath.

Well, you'd be naked with the bath.

I mean, my bath.

But where are you filming it?

You've got see-free water?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I might have bubbles in it and I might be shooting it from.

No, No, you won't have bubbles in it.

I'm not getting a drone and shooting it from above.

It's not up to you.

Comment ready for filming it and they don't know what to do.

I'm out.

They know what's going to get people donating money.

If they'd gamble in the bath, it's a drone shot.

There's a stick.

He's naked.

There's his dick.

There's a stick.

But with a pop-a-dom, a cheesy pop-a-dom over it.

Yeah.

Like a fig leaf of Adam/slash Eve.

Yeah.

So you can.

But hang on, I'm eating it though.

So as I take a bite, am I revealing more and more of my dick?

It's a you pay to stay

situation.

The more you pay, you can see more of your dick from under the pop-a-dom.

Very generous mime there, Phil.

Yeah.

Good, good stuff.

All right, well, if comic relief gets in contact, I'll speak to them.

Yeah, yeah, you should speak to them.

I think that's good.

I think you get a lot of people donating when they realize that actually the beans were doing them more harm than good for getting people to chip in.

Or, faintly not, just do on OnlyFans.

Yeah, I was going to to say, I don't think Comic Relief want to make that sort of leap into OnlyFans content, particularly, do they?

Well, they've got to decide just how much they want to help people.

Like, who cares about dignity at that point?

It's making the money.

Comic Relief has got to stop worrying about their brand.

Who gives a shit?

The people worse off in the world.

Get Gamble's dick on the telephone.

On the telly?

I thought this was online content.

Well, hold on a minute.

Comment relief goes all night.

Okay, so I'm on later.

I'm not like...

You're on late.

I'm not like 7pm.

Lenny Henry's like, welcome to Comic Relief.

Let's have a look at this guy's dick.

No, no, no.

No, this is a late night one.

This is when, like, you know, one of the more edgy comics has hosted it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then go to you in the bath.

And bear in mind, Ed, it's under the water.

They're not going to get a good idea of the size.

Because it's like

magnification.

Yeah, but you can never tell with magnification sometimes.

It might do the opposite.

Oh, you reckon?

Yeah.

Just get more expenses in early.

Yeah, I've got a haunted house dick.

also you've got to make sure that you sit don't like sit too low in the bath so it floats up and is like you don't want you don't want your boy bobbing up and down

peeking out the surface i think i do like like nessie like it float like like nessie but that requires a that requires up and down nessie three yeah yeah he's really boasting if you've got a nesty yeah that's incredible i was right you know

that's incredible it is a bit like nessie in that only very few people have seen it and they're all mad

Most people don't believe in it.

Yeah,

it's actually just three tires.

Yeah

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your dream starter okay this isn't just because it rhymes but barata starter yeah uh it's particularly i went to a wedding in genoa genoa never met her nice cute absolutely love it gotta do it that's great it's great that's great that is funny

a bit ashamed i didn't think of it oh it's that's such an old joke yeah but that's why i'm yeah ashamed of it when phil said genoa i was like oh he's pronounced it that way i'm not going to be able to see see the joke.

So I'm glad you went for another bite of the cherry there.

Absolutely.

I'm delighted.

I went.

I hope your main course is from Jamaica.

She went of her own accord.

It's such a funny response.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because no one speaks like that.

No, no, no.

What's that?

Which one?

What?

So that's Jamaica.

No, she went of her own accord.

But there's no one ever says that.

I've never heard anyone outside of that joke go, oh, they went of their own accord.

Yeah.

So no one speaks like that ever.

So it makes me laugh doubly that joke because it's just just a funny way of speaking.

Sorry, Genoa.

Genoa.

Where is Genoa?

Wait, what are we talking about?

It's on the coast in Italy.

It's on the west coast of Italy.

And Amber and Lee.

Did you just do never

eat shredded weight in your head?

Yeah.

Because I have to do that.

Just checking.

It's like

my partner always has to do.

She's driving and she's like, I'm right, turn left.

And she puts her, she does the two L signs on left and right hand.

you're driving

on the steering wheel on tipx or something yeah yeah like help us out um so it's up there in the northwest of italy it's very very beautiful it's very beautiful uh amber and leo had a lovely gorgeous wedding there and one of the things was that they had a dude who was i don't know what i don't know what making burrata it you you

you throw pottery you knead bread i don't know what you do with burata but he was bulging Burata.

Yeah, he was a bulger.

He was a bulger.

That's fair enough.

He was bulging Burata there before your very eyes.

And my, oh my, it was creamy.

It was milky.

Yeah.

It was delicious.

It was fresh.

God, it was good.

It was so good.

I love it.

Absolutely love Burata.

We've sung its praises many a time.

I know.

When you come in on a show like this, you think, what's relatable food?

What's funny food?

But I can't lie.

It would just be Burrata.

Yeah.

All we want is people's genuine answers.

Yeah, yeah.

Genuine answer, yeah

people genuine answer

oh yeah that was the thing the in the dream restaurant you know that hester blumatal would do the whole you listen to something what you feel some sand yeah watch you eat a thing i want to when they order this

you've got like it's a an was it like an led volume that you're in it's or like a you're in the middle there's loads of led screens around you yeah you can see this place where i ate it it was this right in this little cove there was this like beautiful old bridge with a train going over the top of it and it was like perfect.

Oh, lovely.

And you're immediately transported there.

Yeah.

There's like a drunk auntie dancing because it's a wedding.

Yeah.

But they're not ruining your time.

Yeah.

They're keeping their distance.

They're keeping their distance.

You can have a little giggle at them at their expense.

But you have a burrata.

And it's lovely.

I just love it.

It was very, very creamy, right?

You're talking like sleep and dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Creamy.

I feel milky is.

the fresh the fresh thing i'm quite jealous of i haven't had it bulged in front of me before and then eat it speaking of which tune in's comic relief

but i

but i is is there how are we feeling about me having cheesy garlic bread and also then cheesy burrata i feel great about it that's okay yeah cheese town yeah cheese down cheesestown who i mean are you having the meal alone or with other people I'm having it with my fiancé.

Yeah.

Are they fine with you cheesing it up?

Yeah, for the time being when it's working its way through that's an issue but that's we're not in the dream restaurant by that point that's tomorrow's problem we're yeah we're on the way home yeah you're in the dream toilet yeah yeah which is not it was just another podcast we do we'll appear on that one yeah that's the after show yeah

patreon extra yeah we've got a paper yeah because people go and then out of shit yeah plot menu

plot menu this burata can i check what's coming with it well i feel like whenever you get any of the bits and bobs with it, there's going to be a sort of fig, drizzle, glazy thing, or balsamic-y thing, or rocket.

There tends to be rocket.

That's quite a sort of favourite.

But I just love it straight up.

I'm so behind that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you listed those other things, I was like, yeah, they are always there.

And especially Rocket.

Yeah.

I'm like, get out of here, man.

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm nothing against Rocket.

I like Rocket in other contexts.

With the Burrata, I'm like, this is not your show.

Yeah.

There's nothing about you you don't go with this very well yeah I don't you're moving in the texture off the texture is the big thing because you're like slopping the burata on and then the rocket's like I'll come as well can you just this is all about the burrata this is the burata show and it's hanging on there yeah it is

just dangling off the fork and now and then when you put the burata in your mouth it makes it messier yeah because it's kind of like created this tail and rocket's so peppery as well yeah rocket pushes itself to the forefront and you're like it's it's like when you want want to meet up with your friend and your friend's quite quiet, but they bring another friend with them who's really, really loud.

I enjoy you both separately, but you're treading on his.

I won't bring Nish again, okay?

Thank you.

For the millionth time, just let it go.

I thought it'd be okay.

James's burata, Nish is Rocket.

Yeah.

I mean, Nish is like Rocket in the guard of the Gates if you

have a personality.

Straight up Burata.

And I'd have it like a gob stopper.

Yeah.

Wow.

It's been bulged now.

Getting in it in.

Yeah.

If you put a whole barata in your mouth before you broke the skin, yeah, and then popped it, I think you could drown.

I hope so.

That's coming out your nose, yeah.

It's at least coming out your nose.

I just, I love it, I loved it so much.

Hit the gates of heaven, yeah, as you go.

Okay, right.

I did this podcast, and then I thought I had to do it.

And I went, and I love Barrata so much.

And he'll be like, is it Gabriel, whoever it is there?

No, he's not.

He's not bouncing.

Peter's bouncing.

Gabriel told Mary she's Peggas.

That was his only job.

And he's gone about it.

I bet all the time in heaven.

It's like, Gabriel, you ain't done nothing since that.

Shut up, mate.

It's like, well, I'm saying this.

I told her.

Okay, so I'm telling Peter that I gobbed a Brata

and it went really tits.

Then you drowned a Brata internally.

From within, you drowned.

But the funny thing is, I don't like, funny is a strong word.

Don't like runny eggs.

And I feel like it's a similar similar thing.

You you break into a burata, yeah, and it's gushing, yeah, but a but a but a

like a poached egg, a poached egg, yeah.

Come on, I mean, I do like runny eggs, but I guess it's a bit more snotty than a burrata, yeah.

Burata is just like pure milk and gold, it is, yeah, it's just cream and just looks delicious.

God damn,

another great character.

dream main course

it's an old nigella lawson it's called rapid ragu love it yeah uh it's it's actually a pam dunsta aka mum special um it's a bit it's one of those real comfort foods it would be after playing rugby with my big bum

you come home you're a bit battered whatever you've got not drunk but you know you've sort of um beaten up, you've had your shower, and you come downstairs, and mum's made a nice rapid ragu.

And it's basically, it's like, it's, I don't really eat red meat anymore because I'm such a great guy, but it's lamb, it's panchetta, it's like really fatty, oily, lovely meats, and then they put masala in it, you put masala in it, and it's sweet and tangy, but like just rich, rich, rich.

Masala as in the wine.

As in the wine.

Not as in chicken dicker.

No, no, no.

But it's one of those that I try to make now with veggie mints and bacon, panchette veggie bacon, which it's great.

We've taken a lot of steps forwards.

I'm not a veggie, but I think it's great that that's a thing, but it just isn't quite the same.

It doesn't sound the same.

Yeah, it's going to be one of those.

I'm going to delve back into some red meat.

And because it's dream restaurant, mummy's going to serve it.

Yeah.

There you go, love.

Sam Dunster.

I used to play rugby.

Until I was 13.

Now.

Benito loves this.

He rarely laughs.

Yeah.

That's true.

He rarely laughs.

He rarely laughs, especially at what we say.

He's tired of us now.

Absolutely losing it that I used to play Rogan.

You've surely mentioned this on the podcast.

I thought I had, but evidently.

Snooze to this guy.

No, because what makes Benito laugh, it's not necessarily that he's heard it the first time.

There's just about three things that always tickle him.

And I think this is one of them.

One of them is that I used to play Rogue.

Yeah, I did.

Until I was 13, I played Rogan.

What position did you play?

Wen, and then I was moved into the Scrum.

You moved into the Scrum?

I mean, we used to win all of our games.

and then we all hit 13.

The rest of the country, everyone else was 13, got a growth spurt, turned into full adult men apparently.

We didn't.

Yeah.

Got absolutely just mashed every single Sunday by the opposition.

Just fucking flowers into the ground.

Learned the hard way that we had a lot of criers on the team.

And I was moved into the scrum as one of the taller ones.

So it's like anyone who's vaguely tall get in the scrum against these rhinos that we're playing against.

It was pretty rough.

It was a rough year.

But I think a rugby game makes every meal taste better.

After you've played rugby and had the shower, crucially,

you mentioned that.

I was like, yeah, I'm there.

It's Sunday.

I'm knocking from playing rugby.

I've had a shower.

No, it's dinner time.

It's going to taste so good.

I mean, to be fair, the Mars Bar and the Mountain Dew in the clubhouse was brilliant, but that was pre-shower.

Mountain Dew.

Yeah,

that's that's proto-monster right yeah that's not that's nyon monster yeah yeah i was i was loving it and it was it was it was before it kind of like got taken off the shelves here for a bit i would do cream soda and uh what like the bacon the rashes the frazzles frazzles yeah yeah what a combo pork scratchings which frankly is absurd that that is a snack yeah it's mad that is mad inner maybe medieval times you'd understand it the fact it's still knocking about now yeah i love it of course you love it i love pork scratchings but you eat like a a medieval king.

Yeah, that's true.

It's such a hoggy meal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love it.

The hairy ones, the big fatty ones, love it.

Speaking of which, tuned into comic relief.

Yeah, so I love that it's after them.

Do you want it, because you've got the thing for your starter where suddenly they're at the wedding.

Do you want them to feel physically like they've just played a rugby match and had a shower?

Yeah, absolutely.

And they've maybe got a little graze on their face.

Yeah.

Because that's just a reminder for the other person as well.

But both people, I suppose, have just gone through a rugby match.

Yeah.

Because what is it?

It's like you're depleted.

That's what it is, isn't it?

You're depleted and like a bit like...

But you survived.

There's a problem

with rugby.

Yeah, so you think it's specifically rugby?

I tried playing other sports at school.

Yeah.

And I actually enjoyed it.

Rugby was a different feeling afterwards when going in, I felt like I'm actually like, I could get proper fucked up here.

Yeah, yeah.

Like

I could get really hurt.

You do.

And it is physically like exhausting.

And it was the only one where it would carry on regardless of the weather as well.

I played football games and it rains.

They're like, okay, forget it.

Rugby, they're like, yeah, we're playing anyway.

It's freezing.

The most pain ever is when I try to catch a ball once in the freezing cold and it just, instead of catching it, it just dinked to the end of my fingers.

And I was like, right, sub me, sub me.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I didn't know you had so many rugby memories.

Got a lot of rugby memories, man.

I used to play rugby.

He's not laughing at that.

Look at him.

No, because obviously I used to play rugby.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough.

I was prop forward.

I was about 18 stone when I was 11.

What?

No, it wasn't really, but yeah, I was a big boy.

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, you were a big boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tyson prop.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we would have been real up close.

It's a perfect scrum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You beat up our butts.

Yeah.

You were second row.

Yeah, okay, fair enough.

Were you your second row?

Were you?

Yeah, I think I was.

You were in there because you're tall.

That turns out.

I was on the left.

Yeah, yeah.

On the outside.

On the outside.

Oh, you're a flanker.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, mate.

And can you believe, James, that Phil played rugby?

Yeah.

But then he played a football player in a TV show.

Listen, I'll be lying if I didn't say I was already thinking that.

I was thinking, like, man, I wonder if any of your rugby skills informed the character of Jamie Tart, the athlete.

Well, funny, you should.

When we were playing football in Ted, they were very...

Ted Lasso.

Yeah.

Not the film Ted.

Not the film Ted.

But the bear who swears a lot.

That bear swears so much.

Got such a foul mouth for a teddy bear.

I've just got it.

Thanks for explaining that to me, man.

I finally understand the film Ted.

You shouldn't swear that much.

No, no, for a teddy bear.

They're usually quite cuddly.

We were playing football with Ted.

When we were playing football in Ted Lasso.

They were very open and ready to ask us to try and do the skills, to try and, you know, actually play it.

And they're not going to use stunt doubles for the first couple of seasons.

They didn't really use many stunt doubles for the most part.

And there was a free kick that Jamie scores in the second second series from like 40 yards out and I was like okay there's a great goal that Cristiano Ronaldo scores and I was like I'll do that he does this knuckleball in the semi-final of the Champions League against Arsenal and it's like absurd it's like it it defies the law of laws of physics and I was like I got that in my

knuckle

and so like you know by the 17th take and I've just like losing my toenails from just trying to boot it I just I tried to kick it because the only way I was going to reach the goal was to try and kick it like a rugby, like a penalty.

And you can kind of see when I do it, there's no sort of prowess at all or Ilan with how I kick the ball.

I just try and absolutely bollock it.

I just kick it as hard as I can and it just

ended up going in.

But I know that that was just purely me shutting my eyes and just hoping for the best, which is what I would do when I was playing rugby.

There you go.

Great question.

Great question.

This pasta sounds great.

I love that your mum's making it and bringing it out.

Yeah.

Yeah, she'll be there.

I mean, that's a lot.

I don't know how

many people are coming into this dream restaurant.

I don't overwork her.

If you want.

No, it can just be you and Ellie.

Okay, great.

Yes.

In that case, yeah.

Yeah, sure.

And then your mum could.

Would your mum sit down with you to eat the rapid rugby?

Sure, please.

Come and sit down.

Enjoy your wares or enjoy your meal, whatever it is that she's.

She's she's she's done it.

The products of your labour.

That's it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which you are.

You are as well.

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There's the part of me that everyone sees.

I'm Howie Mandel, the comedian.

Apparently, I know what funny is.

Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny.

OCD.

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uh dream side dish my side dish to go with this is one of them squishy taters like roast squishy yeah taters which is like where they've they've clearly just roasted a potato put a shitload of salt on it and then like smushed it yeah i like my tater like when it's got that crispy like you know when they on instagram when they

look at asmr yeah

yeah

they scrape a knife over it that's what i like it's it's too like it's too oily but i like that and it but it's it's fluffy on the inside the smush is something i've seen a lot on instagram and social media like yeah roast potatoes but what at what point they they sort of parboil them yeah get really hot fat yeah and then they smush yeah And then they're in the oven, right?

So the smush happens then rather than at the end.

I guess so.

I don't know, actually.

Yeah, I've done it.

It was before I put it in the oven.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've done it.

I've done it just so you know.

Yeah.

So it's fully formed when it comes out as a smush.

Yeah.

Parboil them.

Okay.

Put them on the tray, cover them in olive oil and all the seasoning you want.

Olive oil.

That's what I did.

Okay, great.

Fine.

And that's fine.

That's good.

What oil would you do?

Well, I don't know, but

if you're roasting potatoes, you want to use something with a higher

burn point.

Is that right?

But you didn't, and it was delicious.

No idea.

Yeah, I don't know either.

I use olive oil.

You want to use like a...

That's what the internet told me.

But if you enjoyed them and they were great, then you're the only one who's done them here at this table.

But what should I use?

Well, like, so, for example, like a steak, I wouldn't use olive oil to fry a steak because you want something with a higher burn point.

So I would use like a rapeseed oil or even like a veg oil.

Yeah, right.

So veg oil, yeah.

Yeah.

So maybe I should try it again.

Listen, I don't want to rate you over the coals for using olive oil, James.

I mean, don't like use a good use of goose fat.

Use a goose fat fat.

Goose fat is the classic.

Do you say dog fat?

Duck fat.

Duck fat.

Or dog fat.

Use a bit of dog fat.

If you see that on the internet, don't just do what you see on the internet.

That's how we ended up with Trump.

I think that's what you guys say.

If you're using olive oil on your roasted potatoes, you probably voted for Trump.

I think that's fair.

Trump's your fault.

I'll take full responsibility.

I'm happy to.

That's why you've been walking around with a cap saying Make Tater is great again.

Matter

kind of spell

that's how I'm that's how I'm gonna do curly mm tay

you won't get some burrito

and you won't get some mm tag

get damn potatoes and get all squishy and go damn good You're a fucking chameleon man

on the point of Oklahoma I was thinking what the state food is there.

Yeah.

And I looked it it up and it's just barbecued chicken, barbecued ribs, barbecued beef, barbecued vegetable, burnt tips,

spare ribs.

We ran the bath a bit too hot.

I can't believe James is trying to say I ran the bath too hot.

Tell Phil what you did the other day before you came on Zoom with me and Benito.

Speaking of burnt tips.

Phil, I think this is perfectly normal.

This is, by the way, just before he does it, I'll preface it by saying it's the saddest day I've ever heard anyone have.

I was in Bristol on tour, so I was in a hotel room.

Great city, we were.

And I had a facial booked for the weekend.

So I wanted to steam, building up to it, so that my pores were nice and open.

They weren't like slaving away, trying to like dig into all my pores.

I was like, I'll make it easy for them.

I'll steam every day.

So that morning...

I got up, I did all my exercise in the hotel, and then I was like, oh, I'm going to steam before I fully get ready for for the day.

But I couldn't find a bowl that was big enough to steam in the hotel room, so that all that they had is like a those coffee cups.

So, I filled that with boiling hot water, yeah, and I put a towel over my head, and I was steaming.

And because I was hugging the towel in, it got really toasty and warm, and it was quite early in the morning.

And I started to doze off, and then I just started to doze off, yeah.

I slowly like felt like drifted forwards as I fell asleep, but my nose arced perfectly into the mug.

So

I woke up by my nose getting scolded with boiling hot water on the tip of my nose and that startled me awake and killed well you've also unfortunately you've you've given yourself way more work than you started off with yeah for the facial

facial oh no

because what happened afterwards well because obviously i went looked in the mirror it had already blistered and started to peel blisters it was it was fucked i had a gig that night as well.

I've got to go on with a like clown's nose.

But I googled.

Good for comic relief.

Yeah, actually, perfect.

Yeah, yeah.

Googled, you know, what to do if you scold any part of your body.

Said, run it under cold tap for 20 minutes.

It's on my nose, Phil.

Yeah.

So I'm running the cold tap.

I'm bending down.

It's a hotel sink as well, so it's lower than a normal sink.

So I'm properly hunched over with my nose just under the cold tap, just vibrating, freezing and watching like Jimmy Kimmel interviews on my phone to keep me going for 20 minutes then I was hunched over for 20 minutes so I stood up back sat in felt okay then bent down again pulled my back immediately I'm incapacitated I'm on the floor I can't move I've got to text my tour manager I like able to still get my phone get tell my tour manager I need to go to an osteopath I'm

didn't even mention my nose

what's the point

takes me to the the osteo.

All the osteo's look at the osteopaths talking to me about my back, trying to figure out what happened, but all he's doing is looking at my nose.

Because he's like, how has this happened to this guy in the same day?

It's clearly something's happened here.

Because he's asked me how I've done it.

I was like, well,

I've been bent over for like 20 minutes.

And then I think that's what messed it up.

He's like, right, why have you been over?

I don't think that's relevant.

That's not your job.

It's to help me out.

Having to go on stage that night, hobbling on stage with a like red sore nose.

I mean, mean but i i think we had the zoom like 10 minutes after i got back from the osteopath yeah yeah do you know what you need a rapid ragu oh yeah yeah

get pam in with a rapid ragu there you go

on your face yeah that would have been nice yeah sorted you're right out my dad uh is a very ingenious man when it comes to diy fixes he once had he burns he gets such bad sunburn and we were on holiday we'd been on the beach hadn't slip slap slopped in the way that maybe you should have done and he has such a bad burnt face that he it was the end of the day we were like we're about to go out for dinner he's like i can't go out this is insane absolutely insane and so he filled up again a hotel sink with water but got loads of ice and put it in and he got a snorkel and just plunged his face in and just stayed there for a good 20 minutes.

I actually thought, I think it's probably one of the most ingenious things ever.

And did it work?

Did it bring the sunburn down?

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, he felt better.

Because I would have thought that that would make him even redder.

Yeah.

I thought that you'd come out absolutely glowing.

Yeah.

It's like,

if that works, that's amazing.

But I still don't respect him for thinking of it.

I mean, that's a good idea.

It's a dad.

It's a dad thing.

It's a proper dad thing.

Dad's a mad.

My dad wouldn't have pulled that off.

With all due respect to him.

He won't be listening to this, but my mum will, and she'll tell him.

But like, if my dad had even thought about that, he would have drowned himself.

He would have tried to do it.

He wouldn't have done that.

He wouldn't have thought of the snorkel.

Yeah, I mean, you're under a running tap, but that's hurting because that's that's friction.

Yeah, it was bad, yeah.

God, it was so bad.

Every now and again, checking it in the mirror and convincing myself that maybe it'll be okay.

Oh, maybe no one will notice this.

I've got a picture of it, I'll show you after.

As soon as the zoom started, what you done to your nose

straight off the bat.

What you did to your nose told her by laughing

because all I could imagine was the thing from The Simpsons: the drinking bird, the drinking bird

the sets up on the phone.

That's all I could think of.

Yeah.

That's exactly what it was.

Yeah.

I arced into it exactly like the Drinking Bird from The Simpsons that Homer puts in charge of the power plant.

Your dream drink.

It's going to be Coke Zero.

Hold on a second.

Earlier on, you said.

Yeah.

I don't want to give my dream drink away, but I'd like a bit of pizzazz.

That's true.

You did say that.

got my cooked here there's a bit in peep show when jeremy's on a date with big sus and he's like what do you want to drink and she's like i'll have the barolo fancy drink he's like i don't know what the barolo what's what is a wine when he's looking through it and he's like desperately trying to see what the prices are of these wines and then he finds the barolo and it was like the most expensive one on the menu he's like it oh god and but he's got to really like make it feel like this is good and he sips his wine he's like

yeah that's good that's that's really good i mean you know it's it's not really delicious, like hot chocolate or Coke, but for wine, that's great.

I think of that brainwashment.

And that's how you feel about if ever people go, do you want wine?

I'm like, but it's not really delicious, like hot chocolate or coke.

Yeah,

that's do you know what, Phil?

I think that as well, but I'd forgotten the Coke bit because I'm so focused on hot chocolate.

When you were talking about wine and peep show, I thought you were going to go, I think it's a big Suze line as well, where she pours them wine and then gets a hip flask out and goes, Should we make these wines Irish?

It's a good show.

Yeah, it's a good show.

It's funny.

Yeah, it's a funny show.

So you, yeah, you're just thinking, why have a wine when I can have a Coke Zero?

I genuinely, there's an elderflower Fizz, sure.

There's margarita.

Okay.

There's homemade lemonade.

Yeah.

It's just not as good as Coke Zero.

Every time it's like, that is so refreshing and delicious.

And you're specifically Coke Zero, not Diet Coke, not Coke Zero.

Yeah.

Not Coke, normal Coke, not Diet Coke, Diet Coke.

I am,

but I'm pouring it.

I don't want

when somebody pours it for you and they're pouring it from a height and there's no leaning of the glass,

you're an animal.

You're an animal.

What do you think you're doing?

You've ruined my meal.

Mum's not serving anymore.

Mum's

right.

Mum's don't do it, but she would know.

She could lean the glass.

But also, there is a phenomenon with Diet Coke and like fake, fake Cokes

that there is far more fizz from the ice because there is i believe this is right this is real pseudoscience uh more much more surface area because it's all jaggedy and you know on on the surface of the ice the

as i'm saying this this feels so not right follow it through yeah uh and uh when the when the diet coke for some reason hits the ice or the coke zero hits the ice it fizzes froths a lot you lose that pizzazz the pizzazz i'm looking for from a drink so it's going to be ice that you have poured water over and then you drain the water out because that sorts it out you pull the coke on i think you leave it a good angle uh and gently gently

and so it retains its pizzazz wow so for you frothing does not equal pizzazz big time because to me a bit of froth yeah we're in pizzazz town tune to comic relief

It doesn't work for everything, but froth the bath up.

Yeah.

Well, cheating into a comic relief.

I'll froth the bath up and you can have a look at my pizzazz.

It works.

Okay, so the froth question first.

Why is froth not pizzazzi?

Because to me, it just looks like a wasted Coke Zero.

Right.

Because I just know I'm going to taste that and it's going to be it's going to be just that little bit too flat.

And I'm like, I wish I hadn't got that now.

But for me, the pizzazz comes from like the fireworks of the carbon nation of the drink.

We can see the little ones flying off everywhere.

It's funky.

It's a giggling drink.

And you can get them with other drinks, sure.

You can get other drinks.

But if we're talking, you know, the sensation, you can get that from others, but the taste, God damn.

So Curly likes Coca Hero as well, right?

Curly is so present in this population.

Yeah, yeah.

You can tell this is the production you've currently got your head in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Curly keeps popping up.

That's how you do it.

That's how you make a character what would they drink what would they you know

on this occasion

on this occasion the character likes exactly what you like

this is less transformative this is 1906

of the american frontier and he's like i want me some barrack

give me that creamy meal rapid magoo

i mean this so also i imagine because that was such a specific way that you want it to be poured.

Bottle can, draft.

What are you, you must be very specific about that as well.

Well, that, to go back to rugby days, there was nothing like draft coke.

Yeah.

Whoa, man.

I don't know what, whatever secret sauce they had going on there

in the clubhouse that

in the glass, just that beautiful mashup of syrup and water or whatever it is.

Yeah.

That's class.

Here, it's probably going to be a can.

Well, so it's not that, so this, maybe it's not so refined.

I think it's better.

I don't like the little bottles.

Yeah.

When they bring those out,

it doesn't look like it's as much as a can.

And I especially don't like, I do get annoyed when they then, without asking me, immediately pour that into my glass with ice because I just feel like.

But why is it?

Sometimes I don't want it as cold as that straight away.

And I'd like to make that decision myself.

Okay.

So it's more like that.

I just like to I prefer to drink it out the bottle.

It already looks like I'm not getting much.

I'd like to just have it out just straight out the bottle and drink it that way.

Do you think it tastes better out the bottle?

Yeah.

it definitely does.

If it's like a hot day and it's straight out the bottle, you're holding the bottle and you feel like you're in an advert.

Yeah, I like that.

See the sweat dripping down the sides.

But also, the pouring, like, especially with the bottle,

they don't have time to pour everyone's like properly and pour the full bottle out into the glass and wait for the froth to subside.

So they just pour it in a bit as a gesture and then fuck off.

And you're like, there's half a job done here.

Yeah.

What am I doing?

Just leave it to me.

Shot that, do I?

Yeah.

It's there with the ice in it.

And like, yeah,

I don't like that at all.

Listen, you're preaching to the converted here.

Let me pour my own Coke the way I want it poured.

Don't come along, yeah, half-hearted and froth it up when I don't want it frothed.

Jeff, just jump in there sometimes.

Yeah, okay.

Just fuck off.

I should knock the glass out of the way while they're doing it.

So just pour it all over the table.

Stand up, turn around, use your ass to knock everything off the table and leave.

Everything's just demolished because you didn't want it frothy coke.

Absolute carnival.

Your dream dessert.

It is.

There's a pub near where my mum lived in Reading.

It's out in the countryside.

It's a country pub, sticky toppy pud.

It's got dates in.

It's got that almost like tangy, metallic-y taste that you get from the drizzly stuff.

And there's cocky for days.

Sorry.

So where's cocky for?

There's

custard.

Of course.

I don't think cocky

is an acceptable shortening of the word custard.

I thought you'd been given diarrhea by the...

But I thought you'd eat the sticky toppy pud, and now you have got diarrhea for the rest of the week.

Cucky.

Cookie for days.

Just so that I've got cookies.

It's so delicious, but you get cocky for days.

Yeah, I'm going to get some cocky on there with the...

I don't usually give life advice to the guests.

You've got to stop calling it that outside of this podcast and i mean in it is fine we know what it means now but don't do you regularly

call custard cocky

i do i do do you and is there does anyone else join in do you know who else calls it that who curly from oakland

curly love cocky curly love cocky sure but like

i mean also just on its own cocky should mean something else people call each other cucks all the time now yeah and stuff yeah i mean that's like a shakespearian word, that's not even, yeah, yeah.

So, if you're just like, if you say to the waiter, well, they know, they know what they're serving it, they know it's called cocky, though.

Hold on a minute, whose dream restaurant is this?

Okay, so hang on,

they know the lingo.

So, if you say to them, if you point the sticky toppy put it in, you go cuck me, yeah, they're not going to serve me Ed's diarrhea, they're going to know exactly what it is.

Yeah, it's creamy, yeah,

it's sweet, yeah, it's, I guess, eggy because of egg custard, yeah, and it's just right hot or cold?

Hot.

Hot cocky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Hot cocky, man.

How has this never

thought it was weird until now?

I don't know, it's weird.

I know, but it's it's you know, I'm it's it's who I am, it's my cross and I shall bear it.

Have you said hot cocky cold steam before?

I don't think he's had cocky.

Hot is probably the highest profile uh outing that Cucky's had.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For me so far.

Also, you're not going to be anywhere with Brett where Cucky's Cucky's on the menu, are you?

No.

To be honest, you could convince him that it's called that.

He's never seen it before.

This is Cucky.

Okay, thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you for telling me that, Phil.

I'm going to try Cucky another time.

They'll tell people that I've had Cucky with Phil Duster.

This is called Cucky.

No, it's not, Brett.

That's custard.

You can have it hot or cold, cocky.

Phil likes hot cocky.

I mean, it does sound like a delicious dessert, however much you've tried to make it sound absolutely disgusting.

I've never seen someone do so much legwork to make an objectively delicious dessert sound gross.

You can have it on the side.

When you're at my drink, you can have the cocky on the side.

You can have your hot cocky on the side.

Yeah.

Don't need to put your cocky all over your lovely sticky toppy pud.

I'll have your cocky.

I'll say,

I'll have you.

Are you going to have it?

James, do you have any cocky?

No, I'm not.

I'm not having a kid.

Listen, if you want to drizzle it all over your pud, get your cocky on your pud.

No, no, I was going to leave it.

I'm going to leave it.

I'm not going to have my cocky.

Do you mind if I have your cocky?

Yeah, if you want to have my cocky, you can.

I'm going to spoon your cocky.

Yeah.

Ed is that cocky.

Sorry, I was so turned on.

Get your hands off my cocky, Phil.

But you're having it all over your pud.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not ashamed.

And most likely, like, one of those sticky toffee puds that's like out of a...

you know, plastic cut with the film lid?

Or do you think it was made on premises?

I think it was made on premises.

It was was one of those where i think it was probably in a tray it was but it was like made in a in a big yeah silver tray it was a proper legit one good um and the cocky had like

had like those vanilla pods in there yeah but vanilla pods in that again i mean absolute like legit nice custard should not be called cocky cocky such a disrespectful term it's delicious it was delicious cocky and

is this a family thing does your whole family call it cocky it is yeah yeah so you're the dunsters all say cocky.

So Pam's not going to bat an eyelid when Cucky comes up at the dreams.

And he's used to it by now?

Ellie, I think probably still shirks it slightly.

Yeah.

Dad,

he's got a snorkel and he's like...

He's not face down to some cocky with a snorkel sticking out, is he?

His bird face straight into cocky.

Snorkel.

I love cocky.

I mean, yeah, the man loves cocky as well.

Yeah, I guess we're a cocky family.

Do you know what?

Here's what I'm hoping.

One day you'll be out having some delicious food

and

desserts.

I'm probably like,

I'll have the chocolate cake.

You have chocolate cake, don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd order chocolate cakes.

Yeah.

Did you want any cocky with that?

Hang on, so you're hoping that.

Is there someone in the service industry is going to, it's going to become, and then it's going to disseminate across all restaurants.

So are you hoping that it becomes so commonplace that one day

it will happen to us?

Or are you hoping that,

because what's happened to both of us many times is someone who works in the service industry has heard this podcast, remembers something like that that we've long since forgotten.

Not that we will ever forget this conversation, Phil.

And then we're at a restaurant and they...

The waiter or waitress will do an in-joke to us like that

and we won't know what they're talking about.

Is that what you mean?

Because I hope that never happens.

I hope if anyone's listening, if you come up to me in the restaurant and say, Would you like cocky with that?

I'm leaving your restaurant.

I will say that this will not be one of the things I forget.

I hope it is.

Every time I see custard, I'm going to go, oh, cocky.

That's a custard.

And I'll feel a bit sad.

It's cocky.

I can't have ruined delicious cocky for you.

Surely.

Well, it's custard.

And yes.

I mean, yeah, it's not getting any better each time you say it.

I tell you what, what is not just chicken that Brett has had with me is one of the cocky tarts, Hernando's.

Oh, yeah.

A pastel donata.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they.

As the Portuguese insist on calling them, pastel donata.

They call it pucky donucky.

Everyone knows that.

Brett's had one of those.

You watched him eat it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What does that do to his brain?

Well, he was like,

I said, I don't know about this.

And I was like, it's delish.

You've just got to try one.

It's delish.

And yeah, there was a little bit of cajoling, but he, yeah, he went in there in the end and he liked it um he probably wouldn't have another one because maybe i overused the term cocky

maybe yeah is it difficult for you ordering that sort of stuff when you play jamie tart and you say can i have a custard tart

i quite like it sometimes but do they go oh

oh hello Or are they mainly focused on the fact you've just used the word cocky?

Yeah,

that'll distract them, I guess.

Well, you would like sparkling water.

Garlicky, cheesy bread with rosemeat.

We'll pop it on some bread.

Gastarter, straight up, nothing on it.

Fresh burrata.

From Genoa?

I don't know,

main course.

Mum's rapid ragu after a rugby match with a cut on the face.

Yeah.

Side just roast squishy potatoes.

Say mushed, but yeah, smushed.

Smush.

Smush.

Smush tape.

Drink.

A can of Coke zero poured by yourself.

Dessert, country pub sticky toffee put in with hot cock.

It's a very nice menu.

Thanks.

Yeah, very nice.

That is really, yeah, really good.

Love Burrata.

I'm not going off piece that much, I guess.

It's classics.

Yeah, straight down the line.

Yeah.

It's on menu.

It's not off menu.

Yeah, yeah.

It's very on menu.

Yeah.

Very on menu.

So thanks.

Thanks so much for facilitating that.

Of course.

Well, thank you.

Is that what you always say when you leave a restaurant?

Thank you for facilitating that.

Yeah,

but I just give them a good, big, hearty thank you.

Yeah, well, thank you for allowing us to facilitate you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much to Phil.

That was a fun one, James.

That was a lot of fun.

We learned so much about Phil.

We learned words we never thought we'd hear.

Yeah, I'm not going to get cocky out my head for a long time.

Oh, man.

Even as you say it there, sends a shiver down my spine.

Yeah.

Thank you so much to Phil for coming on.

That was a great time.

And he didn't say the secret ingredient.

No, jammy tarts.

Didn't say jammy tarts.

Mentioned the Portuguese tart, the pasta donata at the end there, but didn't.

You know, if he had chose that, we wouldn't have kicked him out.

It's not a jammy tart.

Absolutely not.

No, it's a cocky tart.

Yes.

Phil is, of course, in Oklahoma in concert.

Pop along to go and see him play Curly with some new character additions after today.

If he does mention Barrata, let us know.

Monday, 19th of August, and Tuesday, 20th of August.

But on Tuesday, 20th of August, there's a matinee as well.

So he'll be doing three shows

at 2.30 p.m.

and then 7.30pm on Tuesday and 7.30pm on the Monday.

OklahomaConcert.co.uk for tickets.

That's going to be a lot of fun.

I love going to see a matinee.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's better than going in the evening.

It is because you're out and you're like, I've got the evening now.

Yeah, it's so

another show.

Same one again if you want to.

You can go and see Phil Dunster do Oklahoma twice in a day.

Do the double.

Yeah, do the double.

That's what we say.

I'm going back on tour.

My tour, Hot Diggity Dog, is, of course, starting again in September through to November.

Check out the dates on edgamble.co.uk if you want to come along.

Will do, Ed.

Thanks, baby.

I saw it in Hackney, and it was stupendous.

Thanks, man.

It was the best show I've ever seen.

I loved it so much, and I had a night of my life.

Just to let you know, we're recording this before James has seen the show.

Exquisite comedy.

Thank you very much for listening.

We'll see you next week.

See you next week.

Thank you for listening to the Off Menu Podcast.

Bye-bye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off-Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.