Ep 251: Helen Skelton

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the big flat cake of conversation, adding the cream of humor, the jam of friendship, and rolling it all up on the internet swiss roll podcast that is it gamble my name is james a castle together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we're inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever start a man called dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is helen skelton helen is a tv presenter she's done so many things james you know what i'm excited about bluepeter country file she is a broadcaster of much repute uh she has a book out now called in my stride it's a memoir all about her life james as memoirs tend to be.

And she talks about Strictly in it.

Okay.

You've got to promise me, man, that when Helen comes on the podcast, we don't just talk about Strictly the whole time because a lot of listeners may know this already.

You are an obsessive Strictly fan, like to the extent you are basically a mum in her 50s.

Yeah.

Like you are obsessed with it, which makes me laugh because it's just not your personality in any other way.

Yeah.

But you've got to promise me this doesn't get taken over by Strictly because this is a food food podcast.

This is a food podcast.

It's a food and comedy chat podcast.

Listen, all joking aside, you know that I love Strictly, but I respect this podcast.

I respect you and Benito and your time.

And we are just going to, we're going to stick to food.

We might a little bit mention Strictly because sometimes we go off on tangents.

But we're going to stick to food, we'll stick to the book in My Stride, Helen Skelton and her life.

But don't worry, I'm aware, man.

Like, I'm a professional, and I know this podcast means a lot to you.

Well, if that's a promise, then I'll take it as such.

You have my word.

Okay, thank you.

If Helen mentions a secret ingredient that we have pre-decided upon, she will be removed from the dream restaurant.

And the secret ingredient this week is spring onions.

Spring onion beards.

Beard.

The beards at the end of spring onions.

Now.

Benito came up with this one.

Well, he didn't.

You did.

You said it.

You know, when you get a spring onion, it's got a beard at the bottom?

Yep.

Imagine getting that in your food.

So.

I guess I'm going to interview you now, Ed.

Have you, has that ever happened to you?

Well, yeah, sure.

Little strands come off sometimes if you're using it.

If you're chopping a spring onion you chop the beards off there might be a little strand of beard and it might get into your stir-fry and that's not pleasant to find no so if helen chooses spring onions or somebody with spring onions in and we'll say do you want the beard do you want the beard in there yeah beard or no beard beard or no beard and if she says beard we cook her out yeah fair enough that sounds fair enough i think that's the best one we've done in a while

Yeah, yeah, so it's a really good one, man.

Yeah.

It's good stuff.

Yeah, yeah, it's good stuff.

Spring onion beard.

Yeah, yeah.

He suggested it before the podcast.

He said Benito was looking at his computer and trying to find ones we'd been sent in by listeners.

And Ed went, spring onion beard.

And Ben said, what's spring onion beard?

And he went, the beard of a spring onion.

Benito went, oh, yeah, okay, fine.

And Ed was like, is that okay?

And Benito went, I don't give a shit.

Yeah, I think you should give a shit, Benito.

He didn't give a shit.

And then we just started, and then he just pressed record and looked at Ed.

Oh, that was it.

No, that was another thing that happened before he pressed record.

Ed was like, he was like, are you ready, Ed?

And Ed was like, no, obviously not.

Obviously, I'm not ready.

I've got a thing of thing I've got to say at the top.

And Bed was, Swiss roll?

I don't know how to make a Swiss roll.

It's just chaoting.

And it's like got cream and jam.

And Ed thought for a little bit.

His eyes went up into the top of his

and then he went, he went, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

And then he started it.

And then he started talking about that.

Look, I can't be forced.

I've got to come up with the secret ingredients, big onion beards, and I've got to do my intro.

You know, I've got a lot of stuff to do at the top here.

Yeah, yeah,

you're spinning a lot of plates.

I'm spinning a lot of plates, man.

Not like Benito.

As far as I can work out, he just sits in the corner of the room, making everyone uncomfortable.

He's got nothing to do.

Yeah,

creeping out the guests.

They don't just sat here, go, who's this guy?

They don't like it.

Unless he's Steve Coogan, and then you just talk directly to Ben the whole thing.

Yeah,

you just deliver your whole thing to Ben, which no one would know listening to the podcast.

I urge the listener, go back, re-listen to the Steve Coogan episode, and bear in mind that for 90% of it, or 95% to be more accurate, he is looking straight at Benito.

Yeah, if you look at there's a couple of clips on our social media, and there is one where he does turn to Benito to say something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that was

like a tiny proportion of the times he did it.

Yeah, yeah, minuscule.

Yeah.

But we're looking forward to chatting to Helen about her life and career, the whole thing, and definitely not just one thing.

Yes.

This is the off-menu menu of Helen Skelton.

Welcome, Helen, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hello.

Thank you for having me.

Welcome, Helen Skelton, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I'm late.

No, no, no, no.

I always worry about James's catchphrase is we've been expecting you for some time.

And he says it to every guest.

So I always worry that guests think every time someone's running late.

Think that they've been late.

No, but I genuinely was late.

That's why I said it was a late lady.

Yeah,

it wasn't your fault for

a little peek behind the curtain.

There was a there was a late cap, and that's what's happened.

And I'll be honest with you, Helen, that we were very grateful for it because we'd not eaten lunch.

So now we have eaten lunch and you're getting two boys in a better mood.

Everybody is better when they're fed.

Yes, exactly.

Yes, that's

the podcast is all about.

Yeah.

And you've just eaten as well.

You had a very long bit of mozzarella.

It's the stringiest cheese ever.

It was really stringy.

I looked away when you were taking a bite of the sandwich because I'm a gentleman.

And then I heard a fracker and I looked over and I'd say the string of mozzarella was maybe three feet away from your face.

I couldn't tell you so awkward it was that, oh, we've just met.

Oh, she's eating a sandwich.

Oh, I don't know where to look.

Oh, now there's cheese everywhere.

The cheese will never end.

No, I feel like the ice was broken.

The ice was totally broken.

The ice was definitely broken.

Even if the cheese wasn't.

Very good, Ed.

Thank you.

Also very excited about your book, In My Stride, which is out now.

What can people expect who buy that book?

Adventures, confessions,

laughs, life.

Some people are like, oh, gosh, you overshared.

Oh, you've undershared.

So, do you know what I've enjoyed is that people have got a laugh and a smile and a nice tear out of it in places.

It's always, do you know what?

Before you put it out there, everyone said to me, Do you feel like you're about to run naked down the street?

And I said, Yeah, that's exactly it.

Because obviously, you're looking back on stuff, but you don't know how other people look back on stuff.

But your version of a time or a, you know, a trip or an adventure or a challenge or whatever might be different to how other people saw it so it's just been a nice relief to get people's feedback the weirdest thing that i've had so much of is dads buying this book for their grown-up daughters which i didn't expect that's sweet though oh it's cute like yeah yeah like grown-ups going oh my daughter wants to do this and my daughter wants to do that and i just thought if she reads this book she might which is the ultimate compliment yeah where but where do the dads know you're from do you reckon like what what what the dad's fans let's not pull on that thread

I want to say the Olympics.

Let's say that.

The Olympics.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough.

Country file.

Dads love country file.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah,

dads do love country file.

Every dad who watches country file would probably hope that their daughter would become like a presenter on country file because like this is a good wholesome person, right?

There you go.

There.

That's a great save and true.

Yeah, like

if that's how country file comes across,

I watch it and think like, oh, I see it.

We should all be like that.

James doesn't have children, neither do I.

But if he was a dad, he'd like to hope for his children to be presenters on Country File is what he's saying.

I'd hope that

I kind of birthed Kate Humble or something like that.

Or Ellie Harrison.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or Ellie Harrison.

Or Helen Skelton.

The perfect example is in the room, James.

I don't know why you're bringing Humble up.

Oh, no, I mean, we all aspire to be Kate Humble.

Yeah, that's true.

Me too.

I know you mean that.

Blue Peter and Country File.

If your daughter's going to be a presenter on any show, it's Blue Peter and Country File.

And Five Live Sport versus a lot of dads would probably aim for that versus, I'm not even going to finish that sentence.

Yeah, yeah.

But

it's the perfect mix.

If I had a son, I wouldn't wish he would be a presenter on Blue Peter.

No, they're all.

They're up to all sorts of those guys.

We fly red arrows and make stuff out of the picture.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but no, I get what Ed's saying is that the male presenters is different.

Some.

Male presenters are absolutely...

They're terrorists.

It's like you might as well be giving birth to Sid Vicious.

Blue Peter, male blue Peter presenter.

Not in my day.

No, not in your day.

Mark Baker was a Blue Peter presenter.

And a story.

That's my case.

I was very excited about the book.

And like you're saying about the over-sharing, under-sharing thing, and that intrigues me a lot because my introduction to you was through the last series of Strictly last year.

And I got very invested in your story throughout the whole series.

But what was amazing about it was that it wasn't really, it was this story that wasn't been, you weren't talking about it on the show.

And it was was maybe what we put on it rather than what you were.

I don't know.

I felt like we were projecting a bit or we were putting a lot of stuff on you

that maybe wasn't part of your journey

with that show.

No, and I think that's a really astute assessment because in our generation, in our world, we share everything, don't we?

And you get an opinion of someone and you're getting, you know, it's so easy to look at someone and go, oh, they must be mad.

Why?

Because they posted a picture of their cheese sandwich.

Like you make an opinion based on what you think their life is.

And, I mean, there's loads of Strictly in the book.

and that for me again was the biggest test when gorka who was my strictly partner when he read it and he was like oh yeah i cried in a good way like i it was i was really happy with how you shared the story and i think for me it was just a crazy full-on wonderful time but even as someone who's been in tele you know my whole adult life i totally underestimated the eyes and the expectations and the perceptions that are put on strictly you know you walk out onto a dance floor bearing in mind you're wearing a massive hairpiece that's not yours a load of makeup that's not yours and all of that is designed to make you feel amazing and a costume that's designed to make you feel amazing but if it's not yours you're still a bit like oh my gosh like what is happening to me do i am i all right about this whilst also having to keep in your head a whole dance routine as well and do a cha cha cha like i mean if you don't do that then and it's really interesting now watching it i can see the people who are just in their stride hit the ground running and the people who really want to like it who are like at the edge of the party but want to get in the the middle of the dance floor but don't quite know how and that was me yeah and i feel like i'm a bit upset like i'm always texting i was always texting like annabel croft and various people you know angela rick and i'm like just go for it just get stuck in because people tell you to do that but quite often you don't until it's too late so i was glad that i got the chance to stay in as long i guess the long-winded answer to your question is i didn't mind what people thought about me because i was in it and the longer i was in it the more I enjoyed it and found my feet.

And so I didn't really mind what people were saying.

That came across as well.

That was what I think people people got invested in with you is that you, yeah, at the beginning it was like, oh, maybe you weren't very comfortable.

And by the end, you were a completely different person, which is quite rare

on that show.

I mean, the first week I hid on the fire escape, like I did the dance.

You have to go on a Friday and I do a camera block and you learn the dance in your room and it's awkward at first.

If you're not, I don't know, some people we met and we're like, oh, awkward hug.

Like some people are quite physical straight away.

I wasn't.

So even like standing in hold with someone for the first week is weird.

You're like, oh, hello, nice to meet you.

Oh, like our cheeks are right next to each other.

Oh, you've got your hand on my back.

Oh, nice.

Hello.

It's weird.

And then you're in this costume, again, weird, the hair, the makeup, all of that.

You have to go on the dance floor, did the dance, and they went, Helen, you look like you just can't wait to get off.

And I was like, it's fine.

They can have their turn.

I'm fine.

And I went and I was on the fire escape and I was like, what am I doing?

And I couldn't understand.

why some of the others like fleur and molly and tyler and james by

they'd be like hyping each other up, dancing in the corridors, doing TikToks.

And I genuinely used to sit in the corridor and I was like, how are they doing that?

Yeah.

Why are they doing that?

Me and Ellie Taylor would look at each other and be like, what has happened to our lives?

And you want to, you want to be that person, you know, like, I want to be fun bobby, but I think sometimes it takes you a bit of time to get there.

And yeah, by the end, I got it.

By the end, I was like, oh, yeah, I really, really want to do the dance.

The week of the final, I was like, I can't wait to get out there.

Whereas for like week one, two, three, four, up until the Charleston, I was like, oh my gosh, are we still here?

like must i oh oh terrifying that came across

let me tell you

that was what was such a great thing about watching that series it's like like i mean look i know we've got to talk about food but that's what people that's what people

one of ed's favorite things is how much i'm into strictly yeah it makes me laugh because it's so antithetical to your entire personality and everything else you like that you're just obsessed with strictly yeah obsessed but you get addicted to it ellie taylor and i stood in our dressing room one day and will miller was in the next dressing room and he he was doing videos and like role-playing and like so we could hear him acting out characters.

Molly and Fleur shared a dressing room next door and they were doing TikToks and singing like acapella because they're insanely talented and just wonderful and there was all this like showbiz going around and Ellie Taylor was dressed as little bo peep with this massive bonnet on and there was a woman between my legs like sewing the gusset of my pants to the dress so that my knickers didn't flash on the zellie and she looked at me and she went helen we've got mortgages and i was like i know what's happening but when you're in it it's so, I don't know, it's so wonderful.

I was the same.

I was like, I don't want to do singing and dancing on tele.

And the more you get into it, you're like, oh, it's like running down a hill as fast as you can.

So fast you think your legs might fall off.

If you commit to it, it's just the best feeling in the world.

But I think viewers want that from Strictly, right?

They want to see someone's journey from maybe being a bit uncomfortable at the beginning and then really getting into it.

And by the end, so you can compare the end and the beginning and look at what you've achieved.

We don't need these people coming on episode one and being amazing at dancing and get nailing everything.

Sod that the ones who are confident from the start they might get to the final helmet they ain't gonna win

i've got a picture of me doing that mine hair dance on like my on my wall i showed him that earlier today i showed him that one i was like what was i think i was in suspenders and a corset crawling around on a spanish guy's back like what's happening gorka his name is gorka

it was so

great that dance me and my girlfriend we're watching it at home and after you finished it was like it's like properly like we just seem one of the best things on TV Do you think you should have a strictly podcast James because you should do the show

you are doing a good job so far.

I've started to notice

But you get what it's about like it is the magic of that show It isn't about dancing.

Yeah, it's about you know like I remember one week the sample my samba was rubbish and I was like I'm not here to do the best samba.

I'm here to be like sometimes life is a bit hard but you've just got to get on with it and do the best you can and have a laugh along the way.

And what's great about everyone on that show, Gorka for me was the personification of it.

Their job is to make you feel great and you step over the threshold of that place and everything, you know, there's people designing a hairstyle for you to feel good.

I mean, what a wonderful opportunity that is for you to appreciate that.

I mean, I loved, apart from the actual dancing in the beginning, I loved every bit of it.

And like, when it came on this year, I was so in a good way jealous.

Yeah, yeah.

So I'll tell you what, no one gives a shit about, at the start of each episode, all the professional dancers come out and they do a big dance number together.

Fast forward.

No, I'm the opposite.

Do not give a fuck.

I'm the opposite.

I think now I think.

You're fast forward the rest of the stuff.

Yeah,

I love the dancer.

I'm like the geek that looks at all the slow down gawkers bit.

I'm like, you were particularly good then.

Like I have a valid opinion.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't watch the professional dancers at the beginning.

Don't care.

I just love how much you love Strickley.

Yeah.

We can carry this on later between ourselves.

Yeah, we can carry on.

We should do a strictly podcast no no no this is the strictly podcast

we always start with still the sparkling water helen sparkling it's the strictly of waters

i'm just trying to give this episode some sort of cohesion james yeah yeah yeah fair enough have you always liked sparkling water yes i mean of all the tv shows you've done obviously strictly oh my gosh i'm aware that

oh my god i'm aware that like this might be leaded but like helen i don't want you to feel that this my reaction to this is personal against you.

No, it's fine.

I get it.

I mean you're drinking different waters on all the TV shows you've done, right?

Say you're presenting Country File.

Are you drinking a sparkling water on that or are you going to be a still water?

Yeah, valid.

Probably still.

And it's a big bone of contention.

You're not allowed to buy a bottle of plastic water.

Yeah, that's a good point.

So

you can't get sparkling water when you're on Country File.

Gosh, no.

You get whatever is in the local garage or someone gives you in the house.

Have I had wild water on Country File?

Yes.

100%.

Where's the best?

The higher you are, the better it is.

As in higher up a mountain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a big revelation about what goes on in the set of Country File.

Wouldn't surprise anyone.

Where's the Blue Peter?

Wouldn't surprise anyone.

I'm going to distance myself from these comments.

I think even the people who watch Country File, if they learned that the Country File hosts are always baked out in the country, they'll be like, yeah, fair enough.

It's natural.

It comes from the air.

You'd be all right.

So you've had some good stream water, some good natural spring water.

Yeah.

So for your water course now, still are sparkling, but is the water from the stream the best water you've ever had?

And would you like that instead?

Do you know what the best water I've ever had?

I did this trip and you could, I was obviously no shops or anything.

I had everything that I needed for the whole month in my sledge.

So you had to melt the ice for your water.

It takes so long.

Wow.

Yeah, so you have to obviously put your stove up, melt the ice, get water.

Massive big block of ice gives you a tiny bit of water.

That's satisfying because you have to really graft for it is it is it the grafting that makes it taste good or is it the water itself is good no it's the grafting it's the grafting and the fact there's nothing else to do yeah

so you're like this is amazing would you like that as for your dream meal as the water yeah water that someone has really put their effort into but does it have to be you though for the graft ideally i'd like someone else to do it just as a token

ed i'll do it yeah i'll melt down that water for you whereabouts was it this trip south pole south pole great i'm off to the south pole to get some ice and we'll melt it down for Helen.

It wouldn't last two seconds.

What are you saying?

I used to think you'd be all right.

I'd be right there.

Thank you, Helen.

No, yeah.

I'd be great in the South Pole.

No, what are you talking about?

I've gone walking around.

Me and him had to walk from

Kendall to Buxton once.

He can't go to the South Pole, this guy.

I do enjoy that you said to me away from the Lake District, oh, we're going to the Lake District.

Then you're like, oh, then you named a Michelin style restaurant.

I was like, that's not.

I mean, it would be a test.

Well, it's in the lake district.

It is.

It is.

Back in your box, Helen.

Yeah, it's valid.

Valid.

It's just when you said, we're going to stay.

History, Michelin stars.

Know your area.

I thought you were going to be like, oh, we're going camping at that beans and stuff.

Oh, fuck that.

No, no, no.

We did go to the Kendall on Celebrity Hunted.

So we roughed it for that, thank you.

Yeah, we roughed it.

I respect that.

Fair play.

Yeah, we only went to two Michelin star restaurants when we were on doing Hunted.

We had to lay low.

Yeah.

You do one on Pete 2C?

Good.

Yeah, went to a freestyle.

I've seen this clip, you know.

Yeah, you just went for a good time, didn't you?

Yeah, a lot of people not very happy with us actually.

A lot of people.

Jamelia, for example, said we annoyed her on it.

Yeah.

Bring us full circle to what we said before.

On these shows, you just got to do you.

Stay in your lane.

Yeah.

Post and ghost doesn't matter what other people think.

Yeah, they can keep their opinions to themselves.

Post and ghost, I love that.

Pop-doms or bread.

Poplums or bread, Heather Skeleton.

Poplums or bread.

Pop a dumbs.

Nice.

Now, I'd say we get percentage-wise, we're on tour at the moment and we get the percentages from the audience on who wants pop-lums or bread.

Okay.

It's pretty consistent everywhere.

And it's like 85% bread, 15% poppadums.

So it's always a delight for a guest to say poppadums because it's rarer than bread.

But bread is risky because if it's nice, warm, baked little loaves, yes, but you're never sure of that, are you?

Well, in the dream restaurant, you're sure, because we can make sure to get you your absolute dream bread.

But if poppadums are the way you want to go, we can go poppadums.

With a chutney?

Yeah.

Mango chutney.

Yeah, definitely poppadums.

None of the other dips, just the mango chutney?

No, just a chutney.

Just a chutney.

I don't know.

I don't waste my...

Yeah, the other pots just get put in the fridge for another day and i never eat them so how much chutney are you getting through oh low more chutney than poppad on to be fair

a jar for mango chutney uh gonna if i have a takeaway one of those it'll be gone yeah are you breaking into shards and uh and dipping or are you keeping the poppad on whole and biting it like a big crisp no like a i would say like a half and a half half and a half yeah not shards but a half a half yeah and then dipping or spreading dipping specific i like this yeah or dipping i think it's always the viscer

could break but but you give it a little spread or a little, you know, then you know what you're dealing with.

This isn't the, you don't get this level of excitement with bread and butter, do you?

That's true.

No one's thinking, am I dipping the bread in the butter?

No.

I must break it.

I mean, you are.

I would actually do that.

You're still thinking in your life.

As soon as you said, no one's thinking, I don't know.

Am I dipping the bread in the butter?

With a bit of salt, you are.

Yeah.

I mean, that is good.

Let's not stray from popped up.

That is a good idea.

Dip the bread in the butter.

How many poppadoms do you want?

Five.

You know the plate.

Are you going to be mother?

What on share?

Smash them.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Because they'll, again, the kids will smash the poppadums.

That's a bit of entertainment.

That's the messy house equivalent of a colouring book at the table.

Yeah.

You play with your poppadums, I'm going to enjoy mine.

You play with your poppadums.

You pick the little wins when you've got kids.

You got kids?

No.

You were saying it's quite quieter life in the lake districts compared to London, you were telling us earlier.

And that's the entertainment in the lake districts.

Get the kids to smash the poppa dumps.

Living the dream.

Yeah.

It's like, give them a bucket of ice.

Say, go outside, kids, let yourselves out for five hours.

Have a glass of water.

No, quite the opposite because they're so noisy, kids.

Yeah.

Like, mine just literally, and people think it's a bad analogy, but I often refer to my children as feral.

And people think that's bad.

Yeah, it sounds bad.

That's wonderful.

They're like wild and free.

It is great.

I mean, I've always lived in London, but we'd go and visit my cousins in Northumberland now and again.

And you just go anywhere,

run around, go feral.

It's it's great you feel yeah totally free as a kid I'd love to shot my cousin in the ass with a BB gun it was a great life

I just got back from Leeds and the food there is amazing oh the food is amazing did you go in the market no I went to a few places I had an amazing meal at a place called Ox Club yeah

and I had I went to a place called the Dough Hut and which is a donut place but they do a savory doughnut which is a bagel donut called a daigle oh and that is one of the best things i've ever eaten have you had a yorkshire wrap Yes.

That is also an excellent thing.

I like that a lot.

Ed doesn't.

Ed doesn't like Yorkshire puddings.

I don't like Yorkshire puddings.

But it's, it's a meal in a wrap.

Like it's a product.

I think I'm more on board with that because it's totally self-enclosed and it's sort of flatter, isn't it, than a traditional Yorkshire pudding.

It's just the it's the flavour of a Yorkshire pudding, but without taking up too much real estate on the plate.

And you can grab it and go.

You can grab it and go.

So when the kids aren't entertained by poppadoms and you need to be on the move, that works.

But the market in Leeds is so good for food because it's that old school.

Yeah, I have been in the past, actually.

Now you've just said that about that rap.

That's where I've had it.

It's where Marks and Spencer started.

Is it?

What?

Yes, C.

What?

I don't know why I said C.

Like, C?

But

you've proved your point.

My grandparents lived in Rothwell.

Oh, yeah.

So my grandma would always go to Leeds market and bring back, I'd say, sack fulls of broken biscuits.

100%.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely love it.

Why are broken biscuits?

Should be more expensive, I think.

yeah yeah

my first job was just down the road from mcviti's factory and i used to do breakfast so i used to have to go to work every morning at 4 30 but it was so good because i had to go past the factory and on the way back they sell off the boxes of broken biscuits yes oh i wish the wheat books factory did that when i was growing up there's less of a good smell from a wheatbix factory though disgusting thing if you enjoy a factory i did a whole series you know on factories did you mcvitty's walker's hines food factories guinea yeah there was another one

Wasn't my best word.

What was your favourite?

What was your favourite factory?

Well, I was pregnant with my third.

My least favourite, because I was pregnant with my third child, was Heinz.

What are you about to say?

I was pregnant with my least favourite child.

No, my least favourite.

Did you say which one?

No, I filmed this series in food factory super brands.

Oh, Warburtons.

That's a great factory smell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Heinz beans, when you're heavily pregnant, you do not want to put your head in a big, massive vat of blanched beans.

Oh, gosh.

It's not great.

But is that, is that, would you say for all pregnancies, or is that specific to yours?

Do you think that beans made?

made you feel ill because some people might have a craving for it right it might be the best thing possible well that combined with i spoke to the wonderful people who do the testing they have people who do the quality control and they just all day taste cold bowls of spaghetti hoops alphabeti spaghetti cold soup all of that and that's their job is to just constantly taste stuff A couple of hours of that, coupled with the blanched beans, it wasn't a great day for me.

I don't look, I didn't meet these people, and I've not seen the show.

I don't want to cast aspersions, but I bet those people look awful.

Yes, no, they know, quite the opposite, and they've all worked there for like 40 years.

They look like ghosts, Helen, let's be honest.

Yeah, surely.

I mean, as I say, it was a dark time of my life.

I was just trying not to leave you ill.

I think those people would look like,

you know, have you seen The Descent?

No, actually, you're wrong.

Very happy.

No, no, no, no.

I can't have it.

They were so happy about their cold bean tasting.

Yeah.

They think they're happy.

But they look like they're at the descent.

I've got a lot of

not eaten properly.

No, they gave me a personalised bottle of ketchup.

I can't say anything negative.

That's pretty cool.

That's pretty cool.

We live quite near a bread factory.

Me and my wife.

And during COVID, when we'd go on a little cycle every day, we'd really treat ourselves if we went the bread way.

Cycle past the factory and cycle through the smell.

That was our one bit of hope and excitement during Covid.

Guinness, that was another good smell.

Yeah.

You can do that in South London.

Cycle past hops places.

Yeah.

God, we're old now, aren't we?

We are, but not even talking about going drinking.

Molly and Fleur aren't talking about this.

TikToks.

TikToks about the best smelling factories.

Yeah.

But those TikToks are really good.

They're still worth a watch.

Oh, that's really good.

I love Molly and Fleur.

Love that Fleur's doing It Takes Two now.

Oh, of course you're an avid fact.

She's good at It Takes Two though, to be fair, isn't she?

Brilliant.

One of her TikToks, I'm in the background just eating a kit cat.

I was like, it's really tragic.

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Let's go on to your dream meal proper.

Your dream starter.

Prawn cocktail old school.

So old school?

What's changed over the years?

Well, now it's like fancy prawns in shells.

I like the small frozen prawns that have been defrosted in a sieve under hot water.

I mean, that's so risky, isn't it?

But that's what your mum did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Old school.

With loads of mayonnaise and tomato sauce mixed up on top.

Yeah.

And a bit of soggy lettuce underneath.

Yeah.

So you've made that sound pretty gross.

Yeah, a lot of the words you're using are gross words.

Yeah, but perfect, right?

You nodded.

I nodded.

Yeah, I was showing you that I understood.

We've had prawn cocktail is a very popular starter on this podcast.

Okay.

As it has every right to be.

As it has every right to be.

But often when people have said like, how they used to be, Actually, what we get is like they go massive prawns hanging off the side of like a

glass.

It's like, you know, for an ice cream Sunday glass.

And that's what they want.

So I was expecting that.

Oh, no, I mean, like the teeny, tiny bag of frozen prawns.

That's what I used to think prawns were.

Yeah.

I had no idea that prawns could be so big.

Yeah, yeah.

But and I get, we lived in France for a while, so I get the whole, like, it's proper classy to like de-head it and de-shell it and all that.

But it is a faff, isn't it?

Oh, it's a total faff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then it's basically the prawns.

The prawns are the same you'd get in like a prawn mayo sandwich, right?

The little tiddlers.

James Martin taught me how to cook a fish before I moved to France because he's like, look, if you're going to, you're going to have to cook for people come around.

Never made that dish once.

It was so complicated.

You know, when you, the whole time, I was like, this is, yeah, go on.

The key bit of the recipe is having James Martin.

100%.

Yeah.

And he's since gone, have you done that?

I'm like, oh, yeah, this is it.

I just couldn't do it.

It's too complicated.

Also, when someone who's like proper professional chef is showing you, I just think it's always going to be too complicated, isn't it?

Like, you want just like a mate who's like, oh, I can do this.

Yeah.

So I'll show you how to do it.

Yeah, okay, fine.

And also in that kind of professional environment, you feel the need to be like, yeah, yeah, I've got that utensil.

No, I haven't.

I don't know any of that stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But whatever.

James Mines got a load of like tricksy little bits of.

Oh, and he's got a knack.

He does it with flair, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

Mum's favourite.

Are you saying your mum's favourite or he's the mum's favourite?

Both.

Because he is, generally speaking, he's mum's favourite, isn't he?

And my mum's favourite.

And he's your mum's favourite.

Yeah, yeah.

Does he ride a motorbike?

Yeah.

Yeah.

so he does you'll be happy oh i told this to james

i think the other day he does like he does ride motorbikes i think when i was a little kid and this is a few years after my mum and dad had split up i decided that my mum should get a boyfriend but he had to ride a motorbike and she was like just chat up basically i was like no so cute he's got to ride a motorbike and she remembers She remembers one day this delivery man came to the door and he had his motorbike and then she turned around and I was stood next to the stairs going

like like winking.

Membing.

Yeah,

revving of a motorbike.

Go, mum, mum,

pointed at the guy.

That's like so cute and mildly worrying at the same time, isn't it?

I used to try and get my mum to get off with the delivery guy.

Yeah, I didn't think getting off was in my...

I wasn't saying go get off with that motorbike guy.

I'll ask him on a date.

Yeah, ask him on a date.

Yeah.

Be with him forever.

Yeah.

James Martin, mum's favourite.

James Martin, mum's favourite, yeah.

That's exciting.

Yeah, I think he does have motorbikes, doesn't he?

He's slightly.

He's a car guy as well.

Yeah, he's cars and motorhomes.

Yeah, he's vehicle-minded.

Yes, a lot of my knowledge of James Martin comes from the new Alan Partridge book, and I'm not sure a lot of that's real.

Is it your new book?

Sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

The new Alan Partridge book.

There's a bit where Alan goes to meet James Martin.

Great.

I'm not sure James Martin will be happy with it, but...

I used to work in Local Regio.

I often feel like Alan Partridge had an insight into my soul.

You must have been on...

I mean, I imagine there's not a single mode of transport you haven't been on, Alan's.

I'm so happy that you rephrased that question because you could have asked it in such a different way.

I was going to say you must have been on a motorbike, but it's because I know that like you do a lot of the things you've done for TV, you've been like, Helen will try anything.

Well, when I started Blue Peter, I think that Joel was the funny one.

I was the sort of cool, cultured one.

And what was left?

She'll be the one that's not afraid of stuff.

So I used to get chilled.

The three roles.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

they just used used to chuck me out of helicopters.

And yeah, you're right.

I mean, that motorbikes.

I mean, when I started on repeat, it was different.

Like every shoe had a helicopter, a motorbike, a boat, whatever.

I mean, it was just a really great time to be able to.

What do they do now then?

Well, there's a lot more kids' shows now, isn't there?

So there's a lot more,

you know, like Steve Baxhall does a lot of the sort of stuff we used to do.

Or now.

Steve Baxchall.

They're javing for it.

No, Steve Baxley.

Steve Backley.

But valid.

Steve Baxhall is like animal.

Animal guy.

He's an animal guy.

He's actually in the second partridge book.

I'd know him if I saw him.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's cool.

He's done strictly.

You'll know him from that.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so it's like there's a lot more kids shows now, so it's different.

But yeah, back in the day, I'm trying to think.

Helicopter, yes.

Boats, motorbike.

Povercraft?

Yes.

This is great.

What other modes of transport are there?

Hand glider.

Yes.

I'm annoying myself.

Unicycle?

No.

Valid.

Don't think so, no.

there's not really mode of transport

i know what you mean no

you know like like um ripley's world of weird inventions used to like regularly bring stuff to studio so it was on normal that oh what are you doing on tuesday oh riding the world's smallest car or you know taking the dogs on the back of a three-wheeler lorry it was yeah it was a weird does the novelty ever wear off with that sort of thing Were you like a three-wheeler lorry with dogs on it just going like, oh, for fuck's sake?

That's why I left when I did, because I didn't want to be the person for who it wore off.

And I went to Antarctica and that was like my last big challenge.

So I'd done mad stuff.

And like, you name it.

My first day at work on repeater, I went to Alaska for six weeks.

Wow.

And you like dropped it, chase bears, get dropped into, you know, moolands.

Then you go off to, I don't know, as I say, you name it, we went Turkey, swim from Asia to Europe, all of that.

And

then I came back to the office and I went today you're going to the World Worming Championships and you're dressing as a chicken and that was the moment at which I thought I need to go yeah soon because it's fun dressing as a chicken once yeah but you know when you like yeah what if this becomes a regular thing yeah

the worming championships yeah and ironically i literally was like i don't do like dressing up and singing and dancing on telly and then yeah ironically given the whole strictly thing what's a worming championship you stamp on the ground try and get worms to come out and whoever gets the most worms out wins that makes more sense than what i was thinking yeah oh no it's not like you have to dress like a chicken yeah it's not like a thing for pets yeah Yeah.

That's how you know which one they're sending you to.

Yeah.

What they say you're dressed up.

I also don't know why I just tried to action that out so it made more sense because that was probably worse.

It's probably good for the pod.

Yeah, we've got a video that's not.

No, they're not good for you and your life.

The dream main course.

Roast chicken dinner.

Oh, it's as good as you used to dress.

Takes me back to that good old day.

The world wherever you have.

Proper chicken, loads of stuffing, like in a big bowl, stuffing bowl, good.

In the chicken?

No, separate.

Separate.

Yeah.

You don't want to eat the chicken?

No.

You sound like a chicken there, Ed.

Sorry, I'm secretly a chicken and I'm offended.

You don't want to eat the chicken from inside.

You wouldn't want to be stuffed if you were a chicken.

Roast parsnips, definitely.

Loads of gravy, definitely.

And I wouldn't go Yorkshire pudding on a roast chicken dinner wow yes not a Yorkshire pudding fan either this is a double fucking win so you're not you're not a Yorkshire pudding fan no I get the practicality of a wrap yeah but I wouldn't put it on my dinner absolute result this is the first time there's someone here who backs me up on it but also someone are you from Yorkshire no Cumbria oh well then fair fair enough well it's not that much of a of a win for you

I thought you got someone from Yorkshire well I had a child born in Yorkshire and I lived there for a long time so it can't I mean I'm sort of adopted they claim me no no no no it's not same as you you can't you can't claim this as someone from yorkshire is agreeing with you about yorkshire puddings i just think anyone agreeing with me about yorkshire puddings is a win because people are people are evangelical about yorkshire puddings in this country yes some people put them on christmas dinners yeah i don't know what they're playing at quite nice no think of everything else on a christmas dinner there's so much lovely food to eat and then you're putting essentially a lump of polystyrene on the plate you've got you're putting packing packing materials not if you if you did a blindfolded taste test and i gave you a yorkshire pudding and a lump of polystyrene i think they'd tell the difference well i'd have if you had to put me headphones in, and then what?

Because I'd hear the squeak of the polystyrene, wouldn't I?

Yeah, I'll put some headphones on.

Yeah, you can listen to Hallelujah.

I wouldn't tell the difference.

I wouldn't tell the difference.

I'll get you to eat them.

You'll be able to tell the difference.

Polystyrene, Halloumi, yes or no?

What are they the same?

Just to eat it.

Do you like it?

Yeah, I love Halloumi.

Okay.

I like it, but if I could get rid of the squeak, I would in a heartbeat.

I hate the squeak.

Because I had a television disagreement with Paul Hollywood about halloumi.

Was this on Bakoff?

I argued argued for halloumi, he argued against halloumi.

Really?

And I didn't realise in that environment, you're supposed to just nod and listen, aren't you?

Because they're the judges and they're there to critique you.

But I thought it was like a chat.

What were you doing with the halloumi though?

Putting it on a pizza.

Right, yeah.

I can see why he disagreed with that.

He wasn't a fan.

Was he a fan of halloumi in general?

No, because apparently he lived

in Cyprus.

Yes.

Yeah.

Too much halloumi.

Too much halloumi.

He didn't know what he was on about.

Well, that's basically what I said, which didn't go down to well.

Well, yeah, yeah.

Well, good on you.

Good on you for sticking up to him.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

He's stealing a living,

Paul Hollywood.

But you clearly haven't met him in the flesh because when he stared.

The eyes.

Yeah, yeah, I've seen his goddamn eyes.

Yeah, yeah.

He looks like one of the white walkers from Game of Thrones.

He's like, well, I said Siberian Husky.

Yeah, that's a nicer way of putting it.

But also, he knows.

I've never looked into someone's eyes before and seen that I have looked into people's eyes before.

It's not comfortable for me.

I don't like doing it.

Obviously.

No, you can't hold a stare.

But, like, come on.

No, I can't hold a stare.

I don't like it.

Stop looking at me, Ellen.

But when I have, when you look in Paul Hollywood's eyes, you can see that he knows he has nice eyes.

Yeah.

And that's, I've not had that with someone before where you look at them and they look at you and you can tell all they're thinking is, my eyes are nice, aren't they?

I know, I know what you mean because they're like so blue.

You can relax and feel comfortable staring into my eyes because I'm technically cross-eyed.

So these are not great eyes.

Oh, okay.

Well, I feel a bit better about that.

What does technically cross-eyed mean?

So if I took my lenses out, my eyes would meet in the middle.

Really?

Your lens is like made of magnets that propel each other.

They repel each other.

I don't know.

How does that work?

I've got no idea.

It's amazing.

Well, that's going to be a great big finish for the end of the podcast.

You take your lenses out and look

right down that camera.

That's where it is for future reference before you take the lenses out.

So,

is this off track?

No, it's great.

Also, I'm going to bring it strictly again, but like in that dart you did from Cabaret, you looked straight down the camera and you mimed along to the song saying you're better without me or something like that.

And now I'm imagining if you had done that and taken your lenses out at the same time

when you did it, it would have been a brilliant bit in this song.

That was all the way through the show, they keep going, just stare at the lens, stare at the lens.

I've spent my life around cameras and live TV and none of that faces me.

But honestly, when you're dancing, it is a bit like, don't look at me.

Like, you know, like when you were a kid and you think, if I'm playing hide and say, if I can't see you, you can't see me.

But then I think that was the difference on Cabrera.

They were like, just do it.

I was like, okay.

It was great.

It was a great bit.

Made me emotional when you did that.

Yeah.

You mind belonged to that.

I was like, she's done it.

I know we're taking the makeup of him, but that's really nice of you to say thanks.

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

No, I mean, he means it.

He absolutely loves the show.

Yeah.

Very.

It's a really powerful moment in the show.

Have you been to the show?

God.

Get this, get this, Helen.

I was invited this week, the last Saturday, just gone, and I couldn't go.

I was invited very last minute to go and do the terms and conditions.

And I was so

literally the week before when my girlfriend and I were watching it, she was like, why haven't you done the terms and conditions yet?

And I was like, they never offered me.

And then like a couple days later, I get the email, but we couldn't do it.

Absolutely gutted.

And I said to you, I've not been offered it, Helen.

No,

I would not appreciate it.

I wouldn't fucking appreciate you.

But like, I said to them, please bear me in mind for a future.

Like, anytime there's a gap, I'd love to do it.

Are they going to ask you to do the show now?

Yeah, then they said, will you do the Christmas special, which I know is the first thing.

you did Christmas special in like 2012 yeah and then or something like that and then you came back and did uh

but I couldn't do it I'd be too stressed no you didn't know you wouldn't I'm not doing it ever Helen you really really could here's how I replied to it and I'm sure my agent would have reworded it but I said I'd rather be dead no no because I know after the Christmas special I said don't ever let me do the show absolutely not I I honestly I cannot tell you enough it's the best thing I've ever done in my my life.

Every bit of it.

Helen, for context, you said to James that he's not met Paul Hollywood in the flesh.

So you don't know about the time James went on Celebrity Bake Off, which is widely regarded as the worst performance on Celebrity Bake Off of all time.

The clip of his flapjacks has gone viral multiple times.

He's a meme.

I'm a meme because of how badly it went.

And that would happen on Strictly as well.

It would be the first contestant to shit their pants live on air.

Yeah.

Like while looking down the camber.

Yeah.

And shouting,

without me.

Like,

I

I

two days is um bake-off yeah and it's not as hardcore as what you have to do on Stritly and I absolutely fell apart I could not do a week on Stritly when I got kicked off bake off they thanked me for bringing the comedy element

well you know what I wish they'd said that to me yeah but I'm a comedian but what you did was tragic yeah they went goodbye yeah that's what they said to me when I linked but who did it when you were on Rylan god bless him Russell Tovey.

Michelle Keegan.

She won.

She's won.

She's been on this podcast.

She gloated.

She rubbed it in my face.

But yeah, but it is a hard one.

I didn't take it as serious as I thought you meant.

I thought when you got there, they told you what to cook like they do on Blue Peters.

You didn't practice?

I didn't know.

Oh, my God.

I didn't practice.

Yeah, I know that.

I dropped all my cakes and didn't realise there was hidden cameras.

There's old cameras everywhere, isn't there?

Tell me they're hidden, though, Helen.

No, but I mean, there's a lot of cameras.

There's men holding them.

No, but there's a lot of cameras you don't realize.

Yeah, yeah.

And I dropped them and I picked them up and put them on the table and just like dusted them off.

And they were like, Did you drop them?

And I was like, No, no, it's fine.

I didn't think anyone's seen.

Lied.

So they, yeah, so they made a thing of it and they were like, Helen, did you drop them?

And I was like, Oh, god, I'm committed.

I said, No, so now I have to stick to my no, even though knowing I had.

And then they were like, You've just dropped them and dusted them off and offered them to Mary Berry.

And I was like, I wouldn't have stuck to this lie if I'd known.

But I won't circle away from you doing street me.

You'd really like him.

You'd really like it.

Your dream, side dish.

Dream side dish, how did you shelter?

A corn on the cob.

Wow, we haven't had corn on the cob on a dish.

We've never had corn on the cob

as a side dish, I don't think.

Exciting.

Because people feel nervous, but someone said to me, she'd never have a corn on the cob on a date.

And I was like,

yeah.

Why?

I get it.

It's getting your teeth.

Don't care.

Getting your teeth, it's not a dignified eating process, I guess.

Like the cheese.

Yeah, it's like the cheese.

Never have a mozzarella panini or a corn on the cob on a first date.

I think club that, do you?

Yeah, the corn on the cob, I guess it's like there's sort of no way of eating a corn on the cob that can make you look sort of mysterious.

That's where I'm going wrong.

Yeah, you can't really look mysterious.

Because you basically, you have to eat it like a beaver.

Yes.

Yes.

Unless you're very accurate.

Imagine if you held it and you looked at them, eye contact.

Yeah.

But what you're doing is

you're picking out individual corn kernels and you're spelling out a message in it.

And so that when you turn it to me, the next bit,

it says like...

What's the message?

Kiss question mark.

But how would you know you're doing it the right way?

You'd have to really practice.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you have to do it

the right way around because you've got a backwards kiss on there.

Yeah, you don't want to be able to

charge it down.

I thought you were going to say you like, in my head, I was imagining you ripping out individual kernels.

Yeah.

Do you know what I've also noticed?

He can hold my stare now.

He knows I've got bad eyes.

Yes, he's not.

Yeah, yeah.

It's fine now.

It's fine now.

I know that.

Bet you couldn't be Michelle Keegan, could you?

No way.

I can't look her in the eye.

She's a cheater, for one.

You'll never look a cheat in the eye.

How do you want this corn on the cob prepared?

What's your bit of butter?

Bit of butter.

But how do you want it cooked?

Because I do it on the barbecue, Helen.

I don't mind telling you.

Oh.

There's everything on the barbecue.

Yeah, I do, actually.

I don't mind that.

I like an outside dining experience.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, country file.

Yeah.

i've got so much honestly in my cellar i've got so many like outside cooking things everything that you can cook on outside i've got it's quite sad but inside you've got them inside yeah yeah from the all inside yeah you've never used any of

them been given to you as a gift uh no no i am that person and again you know we're saying about dads want their daughters to be the kind of person country farm i think this is why i'm that person that would go to an outdoor shop and buy all the outdoor cooking equipment and not use that i've probably i've used the stove oh yeah that's all right but i haven't used the griddle I haven't used the little box.

I haven't used any of the 17 other things I've got.

But I appreciate you corn on the cob.

But what would you normally when you have corn on the cob, do you?

How do you cook it?

Because

boil it or grill it also on the barbecue.

Yeah.

I've got a little barbecue you can turn on with your phone.

What?

See, I'm tired.

He wants it.

Immediately, he wants it.

I want it because I could be on my way home and turn the barbecue on so it's ready when I get back.

That's the point.

You can turn it on from like wherever you are.

Hang on, is it a gas barbecue?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not messing with that.

oh okay you know turn up and the whole house is burned down well you leave it outside you live it's outside it's a barbecue i'd worry really good i'd worry that i turn it on on my phone and then it like makes the whole thing like judder towards the house or something

you know it's not a robot yeah it's not a rumba it's a robot you've turned it on on your phone oh valid valid it's a robot i could go crazy so you think it's jiggling it's jiggling all the way to the house judging towards the house like it's opening the door no it's smashing through you your window yeah

And then

what's the issue?

And then it sets your whole house on fire.

Right.

Because it's a turned-on barbecue.

Yeah.

Also, you've got a cat, so you might turn that on, and then the cat's like, whoa, what's going on here?

And then jumps on the barbecue.

But the cat can't go outside.

What kind of cat is that?

Yeah, what kind of cat?

It's a Siberian cat.

That stays inside.

It's a house cat.

Where does it poo?

Yeah, where does it poo?

In a litter box.

That blew your mind, didn't it?

You've never heard of a house cat before.

Well, it never ever goes outside.

No.

Gross.

You've got four cats that never go go outside so imagine what his house is like you've you you never they never go outside ever no

also we live in london people knit cats yeah especially handsome cats like ours yeah stunners we got real stunners we got real stunners helen i mean i'm so happy that the gender stereotypes are just been shot

aren't they yeah

cat guys yeah we're cat we're cat boys we're cat boys and proud okay i've got four they all stay in the house my whole life stinks of shit

I just, that's unusual, isn't it?

Yeah.

We're getting a, I think the guy doing the catio is coming this week.

I can't wait.

You've enjoyed that my dog's called Spider-Man.

What?

I knew you'd enjoy that.

No.

Wait till you hear this.

This cat is called Spider-Man.

We were destined to be friends.

This is amazing.

And check this out as well.

The cat that's called Spider-Man, he's got eyes like yours.

What?

He's cross-eyed?

They go a bit cross-eyed.

and do you love that about him yeah well we got him it's only when you take his lenses only when we take his lenses

that on its own is a really nice compliment yeah yeah slightly creepy with the context yeah yeah yeah yeah oh guess what my cat has got eyes like Paul Hollywood.

Yeah,

he does actually.

And he looks at you like he knows it as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He definitely knows it.

So you can't look him in the eye.

No, I can't look at you.

He's a cat in the eye.

Yeah, no

my kid wants a cat for Christmas.

You've got to do it.

Yeah, I mean, but I'm not sure Spider-Man will be all right about it.

Spider-Man's quite aggressive, got kicked out of the police.

That's how we got him.

He got kicked out of the police, right?

Obviously, imagine him in an office, getting his papers.

Yeah, obviously, yeah, handing your badge.

Sorry, yeah, your badge and your bone.

Get out, get out of hell and dogs.

I'm gonna ask you a question: Your dog got kicked out of the police.

Is your dog racist?

I was thinking that

I'd just been like, I'm trying to get around this.

No, he's delicious.

He likes everyone.

He's definitely a bit anti-man.

Anti-man.

Yeah.

Right.

So he's a great guard dog.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like, on my first,

strictly reference for you.

My first strictly VT where they go meet your partner.

Yeah.

Obviously, I've got three kids.

I work.

I've got a dog.

No one has time for the chit-chat small talk.

I live up north.

I work in this industry.

I know I'm getting gawker.

And I'm really excited about it because he's northern.

I'm already friends with Gemma.

Yeah, well, they live up in Manchester.

okay so i'm like this is brilliant i'm super excited but they do this whole thing don't they where they have to build up the anxiety and like run and jump at each other

you don't know me but i'm sure you're guessing i'm not a runny jumpy on a stranger kind of person so we're in the park i've got the kids and the dog and they're filming and in order to answer the question how are you how excited are you about meeting your partner i kept having to throw the ball so i'd be like ask the question right throw the ball the kids and the dog would go for the ball and i'd be like

you've got until they get back to answer the question i love that the kids are part of this as well.

You can't just say to your kids, can you stand over there?

I'm just doing some work.

Frisbee fling a pop-up dump across the park.

Right.

All of them go check it out.

Yeah.

And so, bless God, he's stood in the wings.

And again,

we both have to do this whole like, yay, this is amazing.

But it's just weird.

Like, we're in the park.

It's meant to be a secret.

It's a glitter ball.

He's really busy.

There's a crew there.

There's no end to this story.

I just thought he'd enjoy the story because he likes Strictly.

I love it.

I love hearing about Gorka.

I thought Spider-Man was about to attack Gorka.

Gorka's most attractive man on Stritly.

But what's nice is he doesn't know it.

You agree?

Benito just held his hand up and say there's five minutes, but it looked like you were agreeing.

He was the most attractive man.

That was a vote from Benito.

A lot of people do agree, but what's nice is he...

I wouldn't say he's not one of those people who's like, I know how attractive I am.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If we made you do it, you have to do it for the sake of Spider-Man, your cat, right?

Gorka.

Yeah, but that would be a great payday.

That would be great.

Yeah, because you'd have have fun.

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Your dream drink.

I do like a gin and tonic, but that is boring.

So if it was a special occasion, I am going to say a Kier Royale.

Ah, lovely.

Was this the first shout out for Kier Royale?

I know we discussed it with Rob Bryden, but I don't know if it actually, if he chose it.

I don't think he did.

Yes.

Remind us, Helen, of what Kier Royale actually is.

Champagne and Cassisse with the little liqueur with the little liqueur in the bottom.

Just like the way it it looks yeah yeah and tastes oh yeah it's a very fancy looking drink though it feels like you're not having one of those at home on on the reg are you how

if you are how often are you having one no not often but like i feel like you feel like it's an occasion

you know it's a christmas drink it's a girls around drink isn't it and i feel like gin and tonic is something everyone would say who are the girl who are the girls around oh of my friends james i want to know uh all of the girls who come around their names please yeah not in a not that's not in a creepy way well that's it look I always ask people this yes it is true but whenever people say I want it with a group of friends I'm always like who are your friends what are their names I never like what girls are around or what their names

Shelly wonderful most organized person can tell you what she's doing every day for the next six months she's the one person of my friends who like schedules in getting too drunk and boy does she go for it when she goes for it

okay yeah Shelly yeah great like wild couldn't share some of you like yeah yeah the line she's leaping over the line you know the line is a dot to her yeah

Kim, works in music, super organized, just stupidly good fun.

Like, she will, we'll go to Kim's for drinks.

She's organized, she's hired the local busker to come and sing at her house for us.

She's got like marquees, she's got caterers, she is putting on a spread.

She's a good time girl, and also just like fun, sporadic.

It's Thursday, should we have a do?

Let's have a do.

She's bringing the K Royale.

Jill,

super smart.

Do you want all the friends that would come?

Yeah, I was laughing at Jill because it reminds me of why hello, Jill.

And And I saw it.

Jill just rolls with the chaos.

Like, rocks up at my house on Saturday with five pizzas for my kids with her three kids.

There were already seven kids there.

And she was like, which ones are yours?

By that point, I'm not going to lie, I'd lost track.

Yeah.

So they were all there.

And so yeah, she'll just come in, roll with the chaos.

So much fun.

Olga, exact same thing.

She has to drive past my house for work.

So quite often on Friday, she calls back in with a bottle of Prosecco.

She is the kind of girl who her boyfriend gets like a outdoor swimming pool and then they drive a tractor.

I don't know I'm talking fast.

And then they get a tractor and they, I mean, the health and safety would not be into this.

So that's why I will make sure it's exclusively Olga, not me.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a bucket on a tractor.

So the kids jump out of the bucket and use it as a diving board.

Tractor's not moving.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like a diving board, but yes.

It's a bucket.

Yeah, it's a bucket, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a high-sided diving board.

So those girls, my sister-in-law, she's also fun.

Our other friend, Rebecca, she just gets so stressed out by the chaos of my life.

We used to live, used to house share.

You'll enjoy this.

We used to house share in London.

We were like born three beds apart.

Like one of my best friends, like family.

We lived in a flat.

It took me a while to work out that you're talking about in a hospital.

Because I just imagined a house with like eight beds in one room.

It's Cumbria.

Yeah.

Charlie the Chocolate Factory.

We lived in a house in London for three years.

When we left, we said, let's have a leaving do.

And I was like, okay, great.

I'll make a chili.

And then went to open the oven, and we realized that there's still plastic on the inside of the oven.

We lived there three years and never used it.

Oh, my God!

Wow, firstly, I like how quickly someone says, Should we have a leaving-do?

and you go, Yeah, I'll make a chili.

I'll make a chili.

It's got to be a chilly oven.

This is brand new.

Still a running joke.

I mean, that was probably 12 years ago.

I've never made a chili.

Oh, yeah.

But you've got to do it at some point, but I guess the longer you leave it, the funnier it is.

Yeah, the you're going to be.

It's a running joke.

You'll be telling me, like, let's have a get together.

Helen's going to make a chili.

Yeah.

She won't know.

So, for this part of the meal, for the drink, do you want all those people there?

Oh, yeah, 100%.

Like them all to turn up.

And do you want the tractor with the bucket and everyone diving out of that?

100%.

Slip and slide we had last time as well.

Oh, lovely.

I mean, that's popper-like, people breaking bones on that, right?

Yeah, especially like where we live, because big gardens, big hills.

Yeah.

So

there's a tarpaulin out and then just covering it and washing up liquid.

Yeah, very liquid, hose pipe.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what works well.

They're like crash mats from IKEA.

You can get a right run on those.

They sell crash mats in Ikea.

What?

Yeah, maybe not.

Why?

Like kids' play areas and stuff.

Oh, right.

Okay, it's not like crash mats for like stunt work or something they're doing in Ikea.

I don't think so.

I mean, you can use it how you want, but yeah.

Do you want to slip and slide?

We can do the Kier Royale instead of the washing up liquid.

Keir Royale Fountain, yeah, slip and slide all the way down.

Ikea Royale.

Oh, very good.

Always come back to me and go, oh, you can look at me in the eye.

Yeah, look at you in the eye now.

Never had a guest challenge me so much on the eye project before.

Your dream dessert, Helen?

Well, this is what I have at home as my comfort hidden food.

You know, like a jelly with the tangerine segments in?

No?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Let you grab made.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So like

ten of orange segments and then a jelly.

Yeah.

But the segments are suspended in the jelly, right?

Yes.

yeah yeah yeah magic it is like magic and it does look cool and it's joy it's joy i don't know as a kid i don't think i've had it since i was a kid that kind of jelly and that's why you should have it more often because it reminded me of being a little kid maybe you need to be more childlike james yeah yeah you've hardened in your old age it's like i just grown-up desserts are so i don't know i just think they're underwhelming they don't they taste good but they don't look good and jelly looks good yeah yeah jelly looks good yeah yeah suspended in

jelly.

I just think, like, as a kid, I remember those little tangerine segments in there and being absolutely gutted.

Wow.

Because I love the jelly, but then they're trying to sneak fruit in a drink.

What the hell?

Yeah.

Why you got it?

They got a bit of pineapple in there.

Sometimes did that, didn't they?

I like that a bit more, but

I never got those.

I never got given those.

It was always the tangerine.

Would you eat round the tangerine?

No, I'd eat it.

Yeah.

Because there's no way.

Like, if my parents saw that I'd left all the tangerines, they'd be like, what are you doing?

Go eat those.

I really, really, it was a close call between that and a butterscotch Angel Delight.

Wow.

This is proper party food now.

This is like kids' party food.

We're Kier Royale Deep now.

We've sticked slides.

No one's got time for a creme brulee.

My dear few has covered an Ikea crash mat in Angel Delight.

That is a different kind of film.

I had some friends from America come over this year.

And one of them really got into Angel Delight without really knowing, you know, where it sits

on the cultural landscape, how people in England feel about it, how it's viewed.

So they were like, I've just discovered this amazing.

But

you can tell what it comes in sachets.

It's like a sachet of powder.

Yeah, but they were like, wow.

I love B ⁇ M.

I love it.

Boombaggins, B ⁇ M, the northern massive Woolworths, like modern-day Woolworths.

You can buy Angel of Delight in batch.

In batch?

Oh, so much Angel of Delight.

And are you doing that?

Of course I am.

Listen, I've got three kids.

There's about 17 kids in my house at any one time.

You've got to have a lot of Angel of Delight in the cupboard.

When they were naming Angel Delight, they really went for the name that was going to sell it the most, didn't they?

I mean, we want this thing to sound amazing.

Yeah, that was clever.

Angel Delight.

Whoever came up with that.

Are you a hand whipper or an electric whisker?

That's private.

We both did the joke.

And I will not make eye contact with you while I do it.

Helen, before you ask the next question.

I have each of meg you back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Water, you would like ice water from the South Pole that's melted.

Poplar Oms or bread, you would like five popnums with mango chutney.

Starter, old school prawn cocktail.

Main course, roast chicken dinner with stuffing, parsnips and gravy.

Side dish, corn on the cob with butter.

Drink, kia royale, and dessert.

Jelly with tangerine segments, like your grandmother used to make.

Yeah.

Well, we can throw a bit of Butterscotch Angel Delight on there as well, can't we?

Have a shot.

Shot of that.

A shot of Angel Delight by Scotch.

Listen, that sounds like a fun time.

It does sound like a fun time.

And I would like to have that jelly again in my life.

Yeah.

You've made me remember that jelly.

What flavour's the actual jelly?

Orange?

Like, no, red, strawberry.

Red.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

I don't even know.

Cherry, raspberry, what is it?

Red.

Yeah, red.

Did you ever eat the jelly cubes?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amazing.

That was a good time, wasn't it?

Whenever you were allowed to do that, you're like, why are we bothering with the actual process of making the jelly?

Why are you not just giving me this jelly cube?

Why did you, you were allowed, we had to sneak it.

Oh, yeah, we were allowed one.

Okay.

Okay, so everything makes sense now.

What?

How much you like desserts, how much addicted you are to sugar.

Basically, your parents giving you an E.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or just one.

Or half.

So you're giving me like half an E.

There you go.

I'm addicted, but I can't get a lot of it.

And then I get old enough that I can get my own ecstasy.

So now I've gone insane.

Helen, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you, Helen.

James?

Yep.

What did I say?

Listen, I owe you an apology, man.

You knew what you were going to do.

I didn't know.

You knew you were only going to talk about Strictly.

I tried really hard not to talk about Strictly.

I'm sorry, Matthew.

You didn't try at all.

I wholeheartedly apologise.

I let you down.

I tried really hard.

I just wanted to find out about food and Helen's life and it just kept naturally coming up in conversation it didn't i'm sorry you cried it in every time and then helen started helen talked about it because it's in her career and once she realized that you're a fan of strictly she was giving at one point she even said you'll you'll enjoy this because you're a strictly fan she was tailoring answers to you because you like strictly oh but i can't help that that was out of my hands that one yeah and i i'm genuinely sorry and it won't happen again and if you just look

we're never having a guest on who's been on strictly before

ever again well i think you're narrowing our pool of guests pretty severely there.

Nope.

I think a lot of people would like to have, like, Molly would be great on it.

Molly who.

From the same series.

Molly Who.

What's her surname?

Strictly.

Molly Strictly.

Yes.

Right.

So you want to have a guest on you, you don't even know their surname and all you know them from is Strictly.

You know, I just know them as Molly.

When I was watching.

Molly and Carlos.

But we can't.

She dance with Carlos.

Get Carlos on it.

He's one of the the dancers.

No.

Carlos would be great.

We've recorded one with a professional dancer from Strictly.

It went great.

It did go great.

I'm one of the judges, that went great.

So we get Craig Revel Hallward on.

Benita's just told us Craig Revel Hallward once pushed past him and said he had a lot of bags.

Yeah.

Sounded like he did have a lot of bags though, Benita.

Yeah, at the theatre.

Yeah.

That would annoy me if I turned up to the theater and tried to get to my seat and someone was sat in the middle of the row with loads of bags.

Yeah.

And I would say, you've got a lot of bags.

Yeah.

I'm sure Craig Revel Hallwood's been to loads of theatre gigs yeah and seen loads of performances so he knows what the correct etiquette is yeah and how many bags he's someone with loads of bags he's going to tell them yeah apparently better been christmas shopping and then see now

now i want to have craig on because i want to ask him about do you remember if when a guy had loads of bags at the theater yeah so that'll be great and then i'll say craig on and then i'll say that was him get craig on get gorker get carlos yeah i think you should do a speak to benito Benito will produce a Strictly podcast for you here at Plosive Productions.

Why don't you want this for the whole podcast?

Because I can't stress enough I don't like Strictly.

Yes, but I think the listener already loves the fact.

I can speak for them.

Yeah.

That I love Strictly and you really don't like it.

But the listener doesn't like Strictly.

There's quite a lot of listeners who like Strictly.

No.

But also, for the ones who don't, you're their voice.

So it's perfect to have the guests on the street.

Yeah, but they also need to listen to your voice.

And it's mainly your voice on these ones because all you're doing is talking about fucking Strictly.

You were talking on that.

What did you talk about?

What did you talk about?

Talked about, can we stop talking about Strictly now and talk about food?

That probably didn't make the edit though.

Maybe you were hoping I was going to say spring onion beard and I'd get kicked out of the green restaurant.

I'd love that.

But she didn't say it.

So she stayed at the restaurant to deliver her full menu.

Do not forget that Helen's book, In My Stride, is out now.

You can go and buy that.

Yes.

And also you can buy Ed's book, Glutton.

The Multi-Course Life of a Very Greedy Boy.

That is available also.

Do go and buy it for all of your

book needs.

James's books are all out as well.

Yeah, yeah.

and look out for his next book, I Love Strictly.

I love Strictly, so sue me.

That's a good idea for a book.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Benito could produce it.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again sometime soon.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan paul who's logan paul the dad from succession

at off menu podcast that's what benito's calling us now and we're on tick tock this is embarrassing man it's not embarrassing man we're cool we're like olivia rodrigo and dad people have been asking us battering us bothering us actually they want to watch the stephen graham supercut from the stephen graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us everything that he did or benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on youtube he's going to do it follow us at off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.