Ep 250: Patti Harrison

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Speaker 1 Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, Peeling the Banana of the Internet. That's what I got this week.
That's Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster.
We're a banana, I guess. Yeah, we're a banana.

Speaker 1 I was just trying to work out whether I should do a fruit salad and I thought that's a bit involved because I need loads of these intros. So why not just do it fruit by fruit?

Speaker 1 So that this is the first of a series? Yeah, it could be.

Speaker 1 But I mean, all the episodes come out in a different order so this is the first one but you might be hearing this way after we've we've broadcast some of the other fruits in the fruit salad yeah and then eventually i guess you will say welcome to the off menu podcast yes we've got ourselves a fruit salad we've got ourselves a fruit salad yeah

Speaker 1 yeah yeah okay so that will be on an episode that you've either heard already or is coming up uh and the intro will simply be welcome to the off menu podcast you got yourselves a fruit salad yeah and then when ed has done that if you the listeners, can send in all the ingredients of the fruit salad that he's already said, send it to Bonito.

Speaker 1 You get a signed chopping board. You get a signed chopping board.
By the great Bonito, we'll sign a chopping board and send it to you. But you have to send him

Speaker 1 all of the fruits in order

Speaker 1 that we recorded them in. Yeah, because I will say that's the second fruit going in for the next time I do it.
Okay. Yeah.
That's generous of you.

Speaker 1 You could do it, that you just say the fruits and they have to work out what order we recorded the other. Yeah, that's quite hard, actually.

Speaker 1 I suppose it's for a signed chopping board, so I should make it a bit difficult. So let's just do it.
Yeah. We do different fruits.
The last one that goes out. I like banana in a fruit salad.

Speaker 1 I like it in a fruit salad. It goes a bit soft.
It goes a bit soft. You have to kind of like...
I mean, it's a weird start. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a fruit salad. But

Speaker 1 listen out for that. We'll make sure that we got ourselves a fruit salad goes out last.
Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1 And then when you've heard that, send in all the ingredients for the fruit salad in the order that we said them in. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then that we recorded them in. And then Great Bit Eater will send you a signed chopping board.
Yeah, that's tricky.

Speaker 1 How are we going to make sure that the you got yourselves a fruit salad goes out last? We'll do, yeah,

Speaker 1 we can do that. We can work that out.
I look at we can do that.

Speaker 1 Benito wants us to be very clear because he's already, we literally just came up with this idea on the spot, and he's already exasperated by it. He's absolutely gutted.

Speaker 1 But he wants to make it clear that only the first person who gets it will get the chopping board like last time, whatever it was that we did. Yeah.
And they did get it last time.

Speaker 1 He did sign the chopping board and send it to us. He will do it again this time, but it is just for the first person who gets it.
And this is harder this one. Oh, it's very hard this.

Speaker 1 And this could go on for, I mean, given how far in advance we record, this could go on for 18 months or two years. Yeah, yeah.
So you really have to be a hardcore fan. Yeah.
Also deserve it.

Speaker 1 The next intro I do, I'm almost certainly going to forget about that. I'm not forgetting about it, so I will remind you.
Yeah. Wherever you're stuck.
Yes. That's a gamble.
My name is James A. Castle.

Speaker 1 We own a dream restaurant and we invite a guest in every single week. We ask them their favorite side dish, a drink,

Speaker 1 starter, dessert, and main course. Not in that order.
First person to put them in the right order gets a sign shopping board. And this week, our guest is

Speaker 1 Patty Harrison. Patty Harrison, a brilliant comedian, writer, performer.

Speaker 1 She is, of course, in

Speaker 1 I Think You Should Leave. Yep.
And like also taking her new stand-up show to the Edinburgh Festival. Yes.
Which everyone should go and check out. She's over here in the UK quite a lot.
So do...

Speaker 1 check out Patty's live dates because she's often at the Soho Theatre. I think she likes performing in the UK.
so she's here fairly often and I would highly recommend going to see one of her shows.

Speaker 1 She was of course also in Shrill, which I absolutely love. Yeah, Shrill's fantastic.
She was in an episode of She-Hulk. She got married.
Yes.

Speaker 1 So her wedding and let's just say it didn't go according to plan. Oh, thank you very much.

Speaker 1 Very excited to speak to Patty. I think it's going to be an interesting episode.
Yes. Patty is unpredictable.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Which means that when we had to come up with a secret ingredient for this episode, an ingredient which we deemed to be unacceptable, it's pretty difficult to pick one that maybe maybe Patty would say or pick what Patty wouldn't say, but I've connected it to her work.

Speaker 1 Suddenly go connected to her work and there's one of the sketches from season three of I Think You Should Leave. So this week, the secret ingredient is a cup of dog shit.
A cup of dog shit.

Speaker 1 A cup of dog shit. We're not going to ruin the sketch for you.
No. But it's a cup of dog shit.

Speaker 20 And

Speaker 1 it is at least intended to be drunk by someone. Yes.
I think already we have certain different types of listeners.

Speaker 1 And I think there's some of our listeners are now going, oh, it's a disgusting episode. Yes.
No, thank you. But it probably will be a disgusting episode.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I would wager. So, like, you know, if you are one of those people, it's not a disgusting, but maybe you'd wait until the evening to listen to this one.
Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 1 This is a post-watershed episode and imagine. Yeah, yeah.
Should we get into it? I think we should get into it. I'm very excited about this.

Speaker 1 The first fruit salad episode. This is the off-menu menu of Patty Harrison.

Speaker 1 Welcome Patty to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Welcome Patty Harrison to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

Speaker 20 What? There were two different welcomes.

Speaker 1 Yes. Which one did you prefer? And be honest, and you can critique them if you like.

Speaker 20 Yours felt more formal.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 20 And Ed's was like more if it wasn't a podcast and it was just like meeting you in person. Yeah.

Speaker 20 So I think you maybe yours was more more appropriate for this.

Speaker 1 Mine made you feel like you're on a podcast.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I felt like I was on a podcast and it woke me up a little bit. And Ed's felt like...

Speaker 1 I like to ease. I like to ease the guests.
Yeah, docile, yes. Yeah.
That's, that's the style that I go for.

Speaker 1 Now, James always says, we've been expecting you for some time, but what's happened with you, Patty, just to let the listener know, is that we were supposed to record this another time, but you showed up a full week early.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I did. I showed up before we grew up.

Speaker 20 And the way you say it too is really, this makes it sound like I did that. Like it's my fault.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, I'm not even, I'm not saying it's your fault, certainly. And I don't think it's a bad thing.

Speaker 1 I actually think you're our keenest guest of all time. It's funny.

Speaker 20 Now, what's keen mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, eager.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 20 I was actually pretty...

Speaker 20 terrified on I remember on the ride to the the incorrect ride I took an Uber to this very studio and i remember kind of being in the car being like what the fuck am i allowed to cuss yeah what the fuck's my starter gonna be yeah

Speaker 20 and then uh yeah i i was talking to james about it earlier but i was texting with charlie because we were like also talking about like making plans at some point and i was like By the way, I'm like on my way to go record with Ed for Off Menu.

Speaker 20 And she was like, oh, he's out of the country.

Speaker 1 I was like, Yeah, right, bitch.

Speaker 20 Weird, dry sense of humor.

Speaker 1 But she was right. Yeah, she knew.
She was correct. My wife tends to know if I'm out of the country or not.
Yeah, I keep her abreast of these situations. Oh, breast? A wife abreast? Right.

Speaker 1 Well, both of you need to stop this immediately. You got a freaky marriage, man.

Speaker 20 Strange for you.

Speaker 1 Isn't marriage freaky?

Speaker 20 Hey, I, and guess what? I'm sure there's that, that's just kind of like the tip of

Speaker 1 breast iceberg. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 20 Tip of breast.

Speaker 1 That's nipple. Yeah, come on.

Speaker 1 No one says, I'd like to touch your tip of the breast. Yeah, but you would, you would say, nipple.
I'd like to touch a nipple. Yeah.

Speaker 20 Well, when you say tip of the breast, it

Speaker 20 evokes the image of, or invokes, what invokes or evokes?

Speaker 1 I'd say evokes.

Speaker 20 Evokes the image of a breast with no nipple but a point.

Speaker 20 A nipple that a breast that comes to a point with no nipple no areola no nothing i almost said cornea no cornea to it

Speaker 1 so corneas i don't i mean i don't mind it as an image yeah yeah you like a

Speaker 1 breast with an eye

Speaker 1 an eyeball no i meant with no nipple but then now now you're talking about it a breast with with an eye yeah not bad you'd like that not bad not bad what say you a breast-sized nipple

Speaker 1 and not plural just one yeah look i i think each to their own and yeah they told about you who are these each yeah when you say each to their own who are

Speaker 20 the owner well I'm I'm I'm thinking about the owner of the breast size nipple and fair enough fair enough to them and good luck these are like vague platitudes I feel deflecting like the intimacy of real details that could kind of like flesh out a greater internal world around what your real feelings are about it but that's okay and I won't push I'll be honest I've been thinking about the eye the eye nipple.

Speaker 1 And then I started thinking about what if it had a monocle.

Speaker 1 And then I felt really weird and just started talking.

Speaker 1 So it's nearsighted. Yeah.

Speaker 20 And it's got like a steampunk

Speaker 1 aesthetic.

Speaker 20 Steampunk breast. I guess that's, I wouldn't want to investigate that very much either.
No.

Speaker 1 Here's what I'm wondering. Is your menu today going to be the same as the menu that you had in your head when you turned up on the wrong day?

Speaker 20 I think you're about to fucking find out.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 20 Yeah, it actually is. I think this was, I had a lot of time to think about it.
So it has changed,

Speaker 20 to be honest, to be jokes aside, mask off. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But will we get to hear what it was originally on the day that you came a week early? Do you think we'll hear the shift? If you'd like.
Yeah. But would you say it's fair to say?

Speaker 1 that you forever changed by that day so that all the food you liked before you turned up on the wrong day, you never eat that anymore because you're scarred by the fact that you turned up on the wrong day.

Speaker 1 And now you're a completely different person.

Speaker 20 I think you're assuming that that day had that moment had more of an impact on me than it may have. That's like really presumptuous of you.

Speaker 1 What I will say is that,

Speaker 20 you know, it doesn't every day change us forever. Every day it changes us forever.
You, in the future, you is led to where you will be then by the who you are today.

Speaker 20 And what I will say is that the menu upon my first visit before my trauma was um

Speaker 20 was more earnest yeah i guess maybe the newer menu is tinged with i don't know what's it called when you're like

Speaker 20 you want to kill someone you can't oh okay

Speaker 20 you're not allowed to because of

Speaker 1 you and you have and you guys made laws yeah yeah yeah yeah we made all the laws a lot of laws and we took some of those in the us right yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 so what is the feeling when you want to kill someone but you can't homicidal rage yeah i guess

Speaker 20 homoidal rage oh oh sorry homicidal rage so yeah sorry your accents are insane

Speaker 1 i mean i would say homicidal as well yeah yeah yeah i mean i just don't say homicide enough yes i just never say it it's kind of cool but i wouldn't say homocide yeah

Speaker 20 like i wouldn't say that but what if i don't know why i said homicide what if there was some sort of branding where homocide was actually you saying you're an ally to the gay community and you're like i it's in really small tiny tiny prints i'm on the and then it says homicide yeah

Speaker 1 that's the you're allowed to say that yeah yeah yeah yeah you can say that

Speaker 1 yeah congratulations but james has said it twice so far is he's not allowed to say it no oh yeah i'm in trouble i guess i i drew that yes from something you didn't say yeah i had to i had to acknowledge it yeah i've got i had to own it and you and you i think you did awesome i think you paid yeah

Speaker 1 we always start with still or sparkling sparkling water. Do you have a preference?

Speaker 20 Um, and then and the there would be the little sound effect you add later, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Ben would add a little sound effect, or if you want, you can make your own sound effects now, and we can put them in instead for this episode.

Speaker 20 Okay, so for the spiller spark, still or sparkling, is it like the sound of a glass?

Speaker 1 It's poured in, right?

Speaker 20 I think, yeah, yeah, it's like something pouring into a glass. Yeah, if it's like

Speaker 20 like, no, that's too like hammy. I'm not trying, I'm actually not trying to ham it up.
It'd be like,

Speaker 20 I don't know.

Speaker 20 Because you know how it like goes from, like, low to high as, like, the glass gets filled.

Speaker 1 It's like,

Speaker 1 it gets a big pitch.

Speaker 20 Maybe just like,

Speaker 1 would be. Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, not only.

Speaker 1 Yeah, not only do I think we should use that sound effect for your episode, I think we should use it for the next episode as well. Yeah.
And who's the next? Well, no idea. But they're in for a treat.

Speaker 20 I was going to say, you guys have had so many guests. I was like going through the, to like listen.
I was like, you've had so, you've had every person I've ever seen

Speaker 1 on this podcast. Yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 20 You were recording. I mean, we're recording this at like 9.45.
I got here, which is like, that's, that's a normal morning time, but to record a podcast, that's like, you guys are. hammering it out.

Speaker 20 Yeah. It's almost like my time here means nothing, dude.

Speaker 1 It means everything. You're the first guest.
You're the only one we're going to care about today. Yeah.
The others who come later, we burnt out.

Speaker 20 We're not going to give a shit.

Speaker 1 There's multiple other guests, two more today, but we're not going to be listening to them.

Speaker 20 Is it who is it? Is it like Christine Aguilera and

Speaker 1 you got the first one? The Stingray. Okay, the Stingray one.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Ha ha ha.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is. It is.
Christine Aguilera and the Stingray. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Correct. Don't get them in the same room.

Speaker 1 We know that guy. Yeah.
Yeah. You're an attention horse.
I'm appreciating

Speaker 20 amazing talents. They're both.

Speaker 1 yeah what do you think the stingray would choose for still or sparkling water stingrays love water well how do they do they hide do fish drink good question

Speaker 1 are they ingesting salt water

Speaker 20 and there's also i guess that stingray would have been a saltwater ray i kind of think

Speaker 20 maybe

Speaker 20 sparkling yeah to be you know maybe it would it would be like you'd be like still or sparkling and it would be like i have to say sparkling or i'd be like i have to say sparkling

Speaker 20 and then you would be like she's lying

Speaker 1 you've never had sparkling water no no never had sparkling water so it didn't question the because

Speaker 1 they can zap right they can zap yeah what do you mean all stingrays can like zap people is that true

Speaker 1 they can't there's electric eels i think there are like skates that can generate maybe electric current but stingrays have the barb the barbs they stick it in you and it has venom in it that's how we lost yes lost steve irwin i thought they zapped people and they were like electric so were you gonna say because if a stingray could zap they make all water sparkling is that yeah like they have a little soda stream yeah a little soda stream huh yeah like stingrays could drink water and then produce sparkling water but they just stab people which is horrific yeah so it's like so how does this the this electric ray get from producing electricity to then carbonating the water well because it would like you know it just it just zaps it with all the electricity and makes it spark then that's how i think that's how it works what the soda stream yeah

Speaker 20 yeah yeah both you know i don't honestly know enough about it to that's what i was banking on

Speaker 1 with a lot of my stuff yeah

Speaker 20 And I don't even know why I'm trying to find a hole in it. That would be like a wonderful idea.

Speaker 1 We need to know what you like, though. Do you like

Speaker 1 sparkling water?

Speaker 20 I would say in my previous,

Speaker 20 the first time I thought I was coming in when I really had my heart into it, I would say, if I went to a restaurant, you know, I'm always getting flat still water.

Speaker 20 But because

Speaker 20 I am where I am now and I've had the experiences I have now, I'm going to say I'm like going to fuck up the whole dinner and get sparkling water. I'm going to start with sparkling water.

Speaker 20 Because I'm an insane piece of shit that wants to kill, but yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 To start a dinner with sparkling water that's food

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 yeah yeah

Speaker 1 it takes up so much space yeah it's textured sparkling water is like the meatloaf of drinks that are water yeah yeah yeah i get exactly what you mean do you yeah

Speaker 1 it's too much it's like you could slice it right you cut a big slice of sparkling water for yourself it's so dense yeah I feel like you could you could like stuff it. Yeah.

Speaker 20 What would you stuff it with what do you normally stuff stuff with

Speaker 20 um I don't know maybe like a turducken style thing where it's stuffed it's duck stuffed with duck

Speaker 1 sparkling water stuff

Speaker 1 a pint of sparkling water and stuffed with shot glass of sparkling water

Speaker 20 stuff with shot glasses yeah just like smaller glasses over and over with water no you're gonna do it like a turducken now if we take it back out into a turducken yeah if you went to someone's house and they're like, I made a meal and it's a turducken, but it's stuffed with glass.

Speaker 1 What would you think about that?

Speaker 20 Like, what would you think about that?

Speaker 1 What would I think about that? Yeah. It would depend on the friend.
If it was Ed, for example, if it's someone I know very well,

Speaker 1 I would be like, okay, Ed's had a nervous breakdown, but I've got to play this very delicately because I don't want to upset him.

Speaker 1 So I'd eat around the glass, but I would talk to Charlie and go, we really need to get Ed some help.

Speaker 1 He's just stuffed a turkey with a glass with another glass and he says it was a taduccan but it's clearly here's what I think though I think you inherently trust me about food so if I turned up with a taduccan that was stuffed with glass I think you'd go sounds a bit unusual and then you'd eat it yeah I would probably make a joke about it first and go Ed this is a you stuff this with glass and then he would say it's delicious I've had it before and I love it and I'll be like I guess I'm eating it and my mouth would be getting all cut up I'll be saying thank you and that'd probably probably be how it would, my Joker origin story.

Speaker 1 Yes. You know how I got these scars? My friend Ed stuffed a turkey with some glass and fed it to me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 I think that the relationship that you two have is astronomically and deeply codependent to the point of like, it doesn't just hurt. and impact you.

Speaker 20 It probably hurts the people closest to you

Speaker 20 and it ripples outward. The grep bonito.
Because I can only imagine that you would have other people there. So it's two people who are very charismatic,

Speaker 20 seem intelligent, very soft-spoken.

Speaker 20 You two in a room being like, eat the glass.

Speaker 20 And there, you know, I feel like there's a general cultural sense of like. politeness conditioning here.

Speaker 20 And so I feel like there would be a lot of people politely. And guess what? It's fresh out of the oven.
It's hot glass.

Speaker 20 But you have

Speaker 20 you have your own free will. And again, I don't know why I'm...

Speaker 1 No, it's far.

Speaker 1 I think it's, I think everything you've said is valid.

Speaker 1 Just then, I can't, you know, and also I'd like to point out if it was someone I didn't know very well, like you and I have met twice, if it was you and I went around and you were like, I've stuffed this turkey with glass, I would say, oh, cool.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to the toilet. And then I would leave and you wouldn't see me again because I would be like, I don't know Patty well enough to know that this is going to be okay.

Speaker 20 Well,

Speaker 1 she'll just kill me.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 20 That's really unfortunate to say because just like as a transgender woman, I feel like there's a lot of, there's like a pattern in my life of like cis men kind of like doing things like that to me.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ah, well.

Speaker 20 I think that would kind of drive me not to be homicidal,

Speaker 20 kind of to turn inward.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 See, the difficult thing for me now in this situation is we're now at the point in the podcast where I have to yell pop a dumb saw bread at you, but I've just been like, I'm now in an area where I think that would tip it over into full hate crime.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 I would not be a good guy.

Speaker 20 Well, lucky for you, it's opposite day.

Speaker 20 So it can't be if any hate crime today is well-intentioned and actually is kind of like a gaffe.

Speaker 20 pop-dub

Speaker 1 scream it's bread pop dumps on bread patty harrison pop dumps of bread this i my inner child is is curled curling falling out of its little cot yeah yeah and it's it um

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 20 popadoms or brett are those like little chip

Speaker 1 crisps

Speaker 20 that size okay uh okay sorry i said it that way i was gonna say i want to let you guys know i am more jet lagged than i've ever been in my life yeah and this is about for me the time i would normally go to bed in los angeles my sleep schedule is already up and bad so it would be like around like i think like 2 a.m or something

Speaker 20 you're going to bed at 2 a.m normally yeah that's like when i like start to fall asleep so even if i get in bed earlier than that i usually don't like naturally stop thinking about killing a bunch of people at the mall

Speaker 1 killing a bunch of people in movie theater killing but that's like american that's kind of like yeah i don't know i don't want to like

Speaker 1 we're in london we're talking about things you guys like um

Speaker 1 i would say bread i think originally i would have said papa dums am i saying that correctly uh i say it incorrectly every episode i've been told that and still haven't corrected myself so um have you had papa dums much in your life i think i have i think i have have you been for many sort of of late night Indian meals while you've been in the UK?

Speaker 1 Because you've done a lot of shows here, right?

Speaker 20 Yeah, not late night, not and not on this trip and not recently.

Speaker 1 Never.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 20 no,

Speaker 20 I think I've had it before. I know I've had it before.
I don't think I've had it. recently.

Speaker 20 But I think now my answer would go to bread.

Speaker 1 Any particular type of bread?

Speaker 20 You know what the not fun thing is?

Speaker 20 Is I was blemic for a really long time.

Speaker 20 And so I have this anxiety still in my system,

Speaker 20 even like long after going through treatment and like therapy and working through it, where there are foods that give me anxiety that I have during that time corrected into being like, oh, my favorite kind of bread is actually like gluten-free bread made of rice or something like that, because it's like

Speaker 20 that is what my brain internalized as like the lowest calorie bread versus what actually tastes good. So what this podcast has done is triggered all those feelings in me

Speaker 20 in every

Speaker 20 kind of cell and molecule in my body. So when you ask me what kind of bread,

Speaker 20 my body wants to say,

Speaker 20 imaginary bread,

Speaker 1 pass on the bread. Yeah.

Speaker 20 And that's a scary place to come back to.

Speaker 20 Because I was so healthy and good up until this moment in my life.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So we've done all of that work.
Yeah. And even worse, the time for you to do this podcast is it's been ages, this wait, because you turned up a week early and now it's months later.

Speaker 1 So we've basically triggered all of that. And it's been weeks and weeks and weeks that you've had to sit with that.
Yeah.

Speaker 20 And I'll just. be frank, I forgot my gun.
Things would be different on this trip.

Speaker 1 I had a plan.

Speaker 20 That being said, maybe Fakasha.

Speaker 20 I would say maybe Fakasha.

Speaker 20 That is, that is what I will say to not

Speaker 20 misconstrue anything. I think now it does take me a second to be like, well, what would I actually like? And I just like when it's like sourdough, maybe.

Speaker 20 I think that's a simple.

Speaker 20 I think I like the outside more than I like the inside, but don't tell anybody I said that.

Speaker 1 Well, we could, look, this is the dream restaurant. So we can just give you the outside of sourdough.
Yeah. A whole basket of sourdough outside.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 20 I would love the inside scooped out,

Speaker 20 very, very conspicuously thrown in the trash outside. Like there's a dumpster out front of the restaurant where people have to cue.

Speaker 20 And the employees are like really, really like trauma trained to, they have to really make a big to-do, like they have to be really loud when they throw all of it in the trash in front of everybody.

Speaker 20 They have to be like, ah, like that it's really heavy.

Speaker 1 It's like a lot of bread going to waste. That's fine.
We can do that.

Speaker 20 Wouldn't it be cool if we hadn't abused like our planet so bad, we could live in a world where like we could have a lot of fun with food waste in that way.

Speaker 1 It would be great.

Speaker 1 We did at one point live in that world, right? Where we were just having a lot of fun with food waste.

Speaker 20 Now if you could say at one point, can you plot the years out?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know.
I'm kind of thinking. The 90s.
I guess if I'm honest, I'll be honest with both of you about what the period of history I'm thinking of

Speaker 1 that popped in my head genuinely is the food fight in Bugsy Malone. And I know that's not something that really happened.
I know it was just in a film. So in your mind,

Speaker 1 Bugsy Malone is an era of history. Yeah, I was like, there was a time where we were freely wasting food because everyone was throwing food at each other and it was really fun.

Speaker 1 But I know that didn't happen for real.

Speaker 1 But in my head, as we were talking about it then, I was like, there was a time in the 50s where most kids were gangsters and we would throw custard pies at each other all the time but that meant they died and that meant they died yeah but then they came back at the end of it yeah so I have to I haven't seen it I don't know what you're talking about but

Speaker 1 the kids die well they don't they get hit by custard pies

Speaker 1 they get hit by custard pies but that then is them that's essentially them dying and being removed from the board taken off the board when that happens yeah yeah okay and that was a fun cool thing that they had a food fight.

Speaker 1 Yeah, at the end, there's like a big

Speaker 1 fight with all the guns that fire custard pies at each other and stuff. And so like they have a big one, but then they're all laughing and having a good old laugh with it.
And they sing about

Speaker 1 if you give a little love, it all comes back to you at the end. Or they're all covered in the food.
It's a shame. Do you think

Speaker 1 food fights are gone now? Forever? Yeah. You won't be able to do it.
I mean, it's unethical.

Speaker 20 Did you ever have one in school?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You did? Nah.

Speaker 1 I lied. I like food too much, so I was never going to throw my lunch at anyone.

Speaker 20 I would love someone rearing their hand back and they go to throw the food and the food's gone and then like the tips of their fingers and they turn around and see you there.

Speaker 20 And your eyes are like rolled up in your head like a shark.

Speaker 20 You have like a membrane that protects your pupils when you like eat.

Speaker 1 I love that as well.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you haven't seen Bugsy Mother.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 20 I refuse to see it because I've read the synopsis and there are themes in the film that are too close to experiences I've had in my real life.

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Speaker 1 Let's start with your dream starter then. We're at your proper meal now.

Speaker 20 Okay, see, you say a starter, but when I think of starters, I usually think of multiple.

Speaker 20 But maybe that's wasteful or decadent or whatever.

Speaker 1 Well, we've already got the skip out the front full of sourdough inside, so I don't think you need to worry about this restaurant being wasteful.

Speaker 20 Okay, spaghetti.

Speaker 1 Any specifics with the spaghetti?

Speaker 20 Ara piata

Speaker 20 Putaneska

Speaker 20 a red sauce.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's all spaghetti.

Speaker 20 It doesn't matter if it's spicy or not. I don't really like spicy food.
I like spicy food. I don't I have to like be kind of like in a headspace knowing that because I get past reflux and stuff.

Speaker 1 So you have to like prepare yourself for mentally. I'm going into the spicy food zone.

Speaker 20 Well, it depends on how spicy something is but I would say just like a normal red sauce with spaghetti would be nice because spaghetti has like is fun why is it fun why is it fun because the way it's shaped dumbass

Speaker 20 have you seen that stuff

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 what's it doing yeah yeah yeah what is it doing it's like kind of doing

Speaker 20 that's for people i forget people are listening to this um no i think i like spaghetti but i do feel weird that like that pasta like that can be the main a main and then like that's all you're getting for the rest of dinner

Speaker 20 is that because it's it's like not you there's that's not dinner doesn't feel like dinner to you well that's i guess you're going for more like the the way the italians would actually do it having it as a separate course right yeah i just feel like people order like spaghetti even spaghetti with meatballs

Speaker 20 um sorry i just called it spetty

Speaker 20 did you call it spaghetti really excited thinking about it

Speaker 1 I didn't hear that you called it Spetty.

Speaker 1 Oh, gosh.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 20 The inner child is out of its cot.

Speaker 1 I think you're the first person who's told me that inner child is in a cot.

Speaker 1 Normally, I'd imagine like an inner child being like a giddy sort of kid running around, but yours is completely asleep, right? Like a natural like little baby asleep.

Speaker 20 Well, you can kind of create any space for your inner child, but I think it's more, you know, it's like when I, when you close your eyes and you think of like childhood ed,

Speaker 20 what age would you place that?

Speaker 1 Oh, good question. Weirdly, just for the listener, Patty is the only person closing her eyes right now.

Speaker 1 Ed is not closing his eyes to imagine childhood edge, but Patty is doing that. Well, I don't need to close my eyes.
I'll close my eyes and imagine childhood age. Okay.
It helps.

Speaker 1 I think I'm maybe four, four or five. Okay.
Yeah. So I'm not, I'm not in a cop.

Speaker 1 Always seven. You're seven.
Always. Every time.
Yeah.

Speaker 20 And what is the surrounding within like if there's like a maybe like 10 foot diameter around you, I guess?

Speaker 20 What is what's the

Speaker 20 what's it look like? What's the set decor? Outdoors.

Speaker 1 It's outdoor. It's outside.
Outdoors. Maybe a swimming pool? Hmm.
Interesting. Just open my eyes to check paint.
He's still got his eyes open. Yeah.
Not doing it at all.

Speaker 1 I don't need to shut my eyes to go inside my own head. Patting eyes shutting her eyes.

Speaker 20 It's just richer that way. okay right i shut my eyes okay swimming pool i think a swimming pool yeah you swim so your

Speaker 1 inner child's kind of treading water all the time no i'm not in the swimming pool i'm around the swimming pool okay is someone watching your inner child i don't think so just you are you near the pool are you about to take a dip i might take a dip might go and get an ice cream i'm just romping around you know okay

Speaker 20 that's really that's an exciting that sounds like a summer memory yeah i think it is

Speaker 1 i think think it's from my first I think it's from my first memory which is probably when I was three or four where I was I was near a pool and put a teddy bear up a tree.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I did know about that. Yeah, I told you that before

Speaker 1 you put it

Speaker 1 through a teddy bear and then it got covered in ants didn't yeah, I had to save it from the ants. Yeah

Speaker 20 That's a strong arm to if to be a kid that young and get to throw a bear up a tree.

Speaker 1 I sort of just placed it in a branch that was near to me I think

Speaker 1 rather than throw it all the way up to the top of a tree and then ants got to it.

Speaker 20 Yeah, and then ants well i saved them from the ants yeah well i have to ask it's a teddy bear and then it got covered in ants so was the teddy bear dirty and like covered in like i don't know icing or something

Speaker 1 probably knowing me it probably had some sort of like dried sugar-based thing on there

Speaker 1 what do you think my inner child says about me patty

Speaker 20 I think your inner child has a strong sense of play that permeates into your life now, which is why you're a comedian and you cherish that.

Speaker 20 It also would seem that, you know, you're protective. You have this bear that,

Speaker 20 wait, no, that was a memory. That's not, is that set decor in your?

Speaker 1 Not really. It's just the pool, really.

Speaker 20 Oh, okay. So it's a pool.
Okay, so you like to swim.

Speaker 20 And James, what is your

Speaker 1 gun range?

Speaker 20 James, is that true? Are you being funny on your podcast?

Speaker 1 That's what I imagined.

Speaker 20 Because when I have my eyes closed and you say gun range, I'm imagining a gun range and now I'm

Speaker 20 that's just so you know, I'm really, I'm an empath and this is really scary for me to be in this gun range. And you're seven?

Speaker 1 You're seven years old.

Speaker 20 Are there, there's gun ranges here?

Speaker 1 I own this one.

Speaker 1 I own it. Your inner show.

Speaker 1 Owns a gun range, yeah.

Speaker 1 Private gun range. I own it.
It's private. Just for killing vampires.
Oh, Just for vampires. Okay, and why?

Speaker 20 What did vampires do?

Speaker 1 Well, I'm a seven-year-old. This is my main fear.
So I've mainly got all those, you know, all those things that people fire at that are normally human-shaped. They got capes and stuff.

Speaker 1 Well, what's wrong with you? They're silhouette. You can tell they're buying a cape.
Yeah, a cape.

Speaker 20 Well, that cape, it's interesting that you bring up because like a lot of vampire imagery is actually in the media is usually like queer-coded

Speaker 20 in that vampires a lot of times represent symbolically the uh kind of like puritanical fear of homosexual people and so this gun range where you are setting you're training you're militarized at such a young age to kill vampires quote-unquote vampires is there's just something really fascinating and cool there and I can't implore you enough to make make the homicide shirts and sell them on your web the off-menu website yeah i'm giving you my permission

Speaker 1 how have you done it again james i can't but well look i've learned a lot about myself this episode yeah i'm gonna go away and have a have a very long think about it it's crazy because I've learned a lot about you both on this episode and I've lost about myself

Speaker 1 I've lost

Speaker 1 things about myself yeah

Speaker 1 your dream main course

Speaker 1 Do I do the sound effect first? Benibita, when you should do like a microwave sound effect or something sometimes? A microwave? Yeah, like a microwave getting to the end of itself.

Speaker 1 That's one of the sound effects, yeah. Or like sizzling in a pan, maybe.

Speaker 20 Sizzling in a pan.

Speaker 20 What about someone opening an oven and they get hit with... Or no,

Speaker 20 it's like they, it's when someone doesn't realize a pot has been on the stove too long and that it's like everything inside is like burnt and on fire.

Speaker 20 And they open the pan and they get hit with superheated air and it actually gives them an injury.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 Yeah. Yeah.
So kind of like the sound of the metal like

Speaker 20 coming off and then the like

Speaker 1 like that. Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 20 that's good perfect yeah great we'll use that yeah you know i would say when i originally was coming to do this i was like i think what would be really nice is some sort of like like kanji i really like that like my mom's from vietnam and there's a lot of comfort foods that she would make kind of weekly that were always on the stove for better for worse whether it's she was like you know keeping track of how long they'd been on the stove or if we were going to get sick from eating it, but it always tasted good.

Speaker 20 so originally i was like a congee with yeah that that would be nice i think that's like a filling that's like the carby version of i think what maybe some people who do spaghetti for the main course i'm also i'll i'll be honest i'm pescatarian now so i'm not really it's it's like i don't know if i can really say that because i think the best congee is like a it's like a bone

Speaker 20 chicken kind of base and i don't i've never had like a vegetarian version of that But I think because of the way that I feel now in my second go, the final course would just be like a big fucking hot wad of shit filled with tampons.

Speaker 1 Piece of shit.

Speaker 20 Arabiata.

Speaker 20 It would be shit and tampons. Tampons prepared like a fusili or whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 Soaked in.

Speaker 1 the shit.

Speaker 20 A bolognese. Yeah.
A shit bolognese. Human shit.
and other, whatever's around.

Speaker 1 So, just to be clear, a human shit bolognese, is that just like someone's made a bolognese out of human shit or someone eating bolognese and then shit out.

Speaker 1 Very good question from James.

Speaker 20 Well, let's see, James. This is just like a very simple kind of science question.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 If you eat bolognese, if you go home after this, you eat bolognese. Yeah.
And then

Speaker 20 10 hours later, right? That's the normal digestive cycle.

Speaker 1 You shit.

Speaker 20 Do you look into the toilet and say, mmm, that's bolognese? I'm going to eat it again.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't say I'm going to eat it again. I wouldn't say, I mean, you said shit mixed with bolognese or the bolognese shit.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't say I'm going to eat it again, but I might be like, I've got the bolognese shits.

Speaker 1 Not after 10 hours, though. That would have to be like within an hour or two, I think, for you to look in and go, that's bolognese.
I've got the bologna.

Speaker 1 It's not even a visual thing for me. It's like, sometimes you just feel it.
You know what it is that you ate that's making you shit.

Speaker 1 But usually if you're getting getting shits that fast after eating something irritating you're not shitting that thing you're shitting the other stuff that was in there that's getting yeah which i was once told by a goddamn hotel receptionist what i tried to complain that the breakfast that i'd eaten had given me the shits

Speaker 1 and she was she was like that couldn't have been because when did you have the breakfast and i was like like an hour ago i just shat everywhere and she was like she was like that couldn't have been the breakfast i was like it would definitely i ate the breakfast and then i went to our hotel room and I just did shits everywhere and it's all covered in shit.

Speaker 1 And she was like, she googled it in front of me on the computer. And then she said to me, there you go.
That shows it couldn't have been the breakfast.

Speaker 1 It takes this long to affect you if you get food poisoned from something. It couldn't have been that breakfast that we gave you.

Speaker 1 We're not apologising for nothing. Then I had to go to the next leg of my tour.

Speaker 20 And when you say you shit, there was shit everywhere. Was that, did you like diarrhea and it ended up on the floor or something?

Speaker 1 ended up on the robe that i was wearing what oh i was relaxing i i ate the breakfast went back to my hotel had a shower put a robe on sat down to do emails chat the robe big time

Speaker 1 after your shower yeah after the shower is the worst yeah i had to soak the robe in the sink apologies to the fact that you then the level of confidence you must have had to shit in a hotel robe yes and then call reception and say your breakfast just made me do a shit in your robe well listen oh yeah i knew they were going to see that i tried to clear up the evidence i tried to i was like no so i was like and i was angry about it right what i would do is i would take that robe with me and then i'd pay them i'd pay for the robe yeah yeah i wouldn't i i wouldn't call reception and admit i'd just done a shit in the robe that is i'd call reception i'd send it to their face when i was leaving sometimes the robes though are like 300

Speaker 20 and then it's like you're gonna it's like I would want to then, because I wouldn't want, just because there's shit on it, I wouldn't want to throw it away if I was really going to take that hit.

Speaker 20 But then be like, okay, I'm going to keep the robe, but I got to wash it.

Speaker 20 But then if you put a shit robe in your luggage,

Speaker 20 the smell will get into the rest. And I say this as someone who has shit in underwear and been like, I was like, I guess I'm going to travel with it.

Speaker 20 And I put it in a bag.

Speaker 1 Guess what?

Speaker 20 It gets through the bag.

Speaker 20 It gets through through the bag and it makes your other clothes smell like poop.

Speaker 20 This was a really long time ago by the way. Yeah, yeah.
This is recent. This was maybe like

Speaker 1 ages ago.

Speaker 20 Yeah, mine was about a month

Speaker 20 from today.

Speaker 1 I would just say, even if

Speaker 1 the road was $300,

Speaker 1 I think I'm willing to spend that so I don't get into a situation where a hotel receptionist is googling how long does it take for something to make you shit yourself.

Speaker 1 Well, and then showing me the results.

Speaker 20 and also the kind of like the i don't know that's kind of like litigation or something like that the skill to be like actually

Speaker 20 yeah yeah science says here on the screen like she's probably had people do that before yeah that that can't have been the first time that the breakfast has made someone shit themselves that's what it felt like it felt like yeah she was like i've been here many times before you're not going to win this it feels like maybe the bacteria was just like sitting in your gut and as soon as food touched it inflamed it yeah so it probably was the food but maybe it was the food from the night before that's just like yeah how sometimes you'll like not if you're sick in with like a stomach flu or something and you won't have to puke or like get you don't get that like weird nauseous feeling until you actually try and eat something yeah that's what it felt did you did you tell them about the robe no no i was like they'll find out and was there any blow was there any blowback from that no they didn't follow up and go hey found that robe in the sink soaking in the sink.

Speaker 1 Don't you think we don't know what you did? They didn't do that.

Speaker 1 I don't know exactly what hotel it was. I'd know the hotel if I saw it.
Yes, of course. And they'd know you if they saw you.

Speaker 1 I think actually I was already at the point in my career where she did know me,

Speaker 1 unfortunately.

Speaker 20 And you went down and you were like, ah, shit.

Speaker 20 And what did you want to, what did you, in your head, what did you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, at the time, I guess I thought they might take the breakfast off the bill.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I don't know why I wanted that. I don't know why I thought that was a fair trade.
That was worth my dignity. Was this when you were going through a tricky time?

Speaker 1 When I'm not. I mean, you know, yeah.
I was definitely on tour. So, yeah, I was at my wit's end.

Speaker 20 You know, it really, it's tour, I think, is destabilizing.

Speaker 20 A lot of stuff, it throws your whole body out of whack, mind, body, soul. It's, it's okay.
And maybe she saw that. Yeah.
Maybe she was like, it's not the breakfast. It's your

Speaker 20 tour. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 She could have googled my tour dates and just shown me those and gone, yeah.

Speaker 20 These are too close together. Yeah.
This kind of geographically doesn't make sense.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You should go through that list and tick every time you've done a horrible shit. It's every day.
So just to be clear, though. No.

Speaker 20 The bolognese is shit mixed into the sauce.

Speaker 1 That's not your main, right? That's not your main course, right?

Speaker 1 The shit

Speaker 20 That's that's a second star.

Speaker 20 Um, that was supposed to be my main.

Speaker 1 Are we going with the con are we going with the congee, or do you want to go with the sh the shit bolognese with tampons sticking out?

Speaker 20 Well, I thought that was, I don't actually want to eat that, and that's not my dream restaurant because there's a vit, there's maybe one percent of me that would fear that there's some karmic justice to be had.

Speaker 20 That if I were to go to some sort of

Speaker 20 hell adjacent,

Speaker 20 like plain,

Speaker 20 not like secular, not affiliated with any religion that kind of like

Speaker 20 is essentially

Speaker 20 amasses information from your life into this space.

Speaker 20 And somehow this information gets in where it's like, ha ha ha, bitch, you thought it was so funny to go on those really nice people's podcasts and be such a total like emotionally deformed cunt

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 20 not take it seriously. And now you get to eat the tampon ragu sorry i keep switching it's not that bolognese

Speaker 20 uh i can't pick i would say maybe then i would go to a kanji maybe yeah yeah yeah but because it's the dream restaurant we could do the chicken bone like

Speaker 20 and no chickens get killed but it's like a silica it's like a chicken that is 3d printed yeah it's 3d it's like the meat is not yeah it's like when how they've like farmed meat in petri dishes yeah and you can't tell the difference difference.

Speaker 1 It tastes exactly as good, but no chickens get harmed at all. Not at all.
Yeah, it's a 3D printed chicken. Yeah, 3D printed chicken.

Speaker 20 Can you imagine a world where long after we are dead and gone and like in the road and there's a robot, a kind of dystopian thing?

Speaker 20 And then robots, there's kind of like robots and androids and they start eating other robots as food and they make like essentially like a kanji out of other like animal sort of robots.

Speaker 20 And like what that world is like, it's like, where do you think they're getting the flavor from the metal

Speaker 20 like if you can you imagine one of those like darpa dogs or those boston dynamic dogs yeah and just kind of like throwing chunks of that in a pot what do you think the flavor would be

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 what would you think the flavor would be well i i guess but if they're if a robot is eating a robot i guess the robot is trained to enjoy certain flavors

Speaker 1 So they might like metal. They might like the taste of metal.
But also, just to go back to the 3D printed chicken, do you mean just just 3D printed chunks of meat?

Speaker 1 Because I'll be honest, when you said it, my first thought was 3D print an entire live chicken, then kill the chicken and put it in the pot.

Speaker 1 Chop it up.

Speaker 20 I was imagining how they are able to make meat cells.

Speaker 20 They're like in a dish and they just grow the meat and it's not.

Speaker 20 technically alive,

Speaker 20 but it is like biomatter.

Speaker 1 And it's got the right texture and stuff like that.

Speaker 20 Yeah, if they could like replicate, it's like a vegan

Speaker 20 meat cell, but it's like essentially chicken cells. Yeah, that would then you could boil and get that marrow, etc.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I think we can do that for you.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. It'd be my pleasure.

Speaker 20 And we wouldn't have to get any sort of like dodgy investors involved who have the money to kind of back that kind of science or anything like that. No, like Gheelain, Maxwell, adjacent.

Speaker 1 She doesn't have to be to be involved. You've had everyone on this podcast.

Speaker 1 She's been on the podcast. She's episode two.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Was she like, macaroni?

Speaker 1 Every, every

Speaker 1 dream side dish.

Speaker 20 Probably little fingerling potatoes. Yeah.

Speaker 20 And garlic.

Speaker 1 It's a great potato.

Speaker 20 Yeah. Fingling.
Yeah.

Speaker 20 Really crispy, like when they're anything that's like crisp i don't like when it's mushy inside i like when it's pre-fried yeah yeah to like a essentially a french fry or something not the crunch i like the crunch i like when it's like yeah where the skin is just like flaking off and it's burnt yeah

Speaker 20 but not like again super like the person cooking it lifted the thing and got like blasted with superheated air yeah and inhaled it that's what you want to imagine I don't want that to happen to the person who's making it.

Speaker 20 I hope they have a very normal time when they make it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 I haven't wished that on anybody in my whole life.

Speaker 1 What if they were the best potatoes you've ever had in your life, but the person who brings them out to you, their face is like bright red. Yeah, bright red.

Speaker 20 Is it bright red because of a burn? It's not just making it.

Speaker 1 So they lifted the pot up and all the heat in the face. It's not they're so proud, they're almost blushing because they're such good potatoes.

Speaker 1 It's because they've really, they've really burnt themselves and they come out with the pot and you're like, oh my God, are you okay?

Speaker 1 But then you eat your potato and you're like, I think that might have been worth it.

Speaker 20 I just don't know why they are serving the potatoes.

Speaker 1 I guess.

Speaker 1 In this restaurant,

Speaker 20 it's like the chef or the chef des cuisine or the line cook is bringing out the food and you were doing it like this, like they're holding the pot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, too.

Speaker 1 With bare hands. With bare hands.

Speaker 20 Was that that Canadian PSA, the woman with the boiling water?

Speaker 1 What? You've seen it. You had to have seen it.

Speaker 1 I'm not sure. I have seen it.

Speaker 20 There's that really famous like Canadian series of Canadian safety PSAs where they, they're really, really graphic.

Speaker 20 Like, and it's the woman and she's like in the, she's, I think she's like a line cook. She's in a kitchen and she's narrating what's about to happen.

Speaker 20 And she's like, so unfortunately for me, like I don't see that there's a big oil, like spot oil on the floor that I should have cleaned up, but I've been rushing around, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 20 And she picks up this like giant pot of boiling water and she slips on it.

Speaker 20 And then it, it like scolds her, and she's like, lets out this blood-curdling, blood-curdling scream and gets in like the last shot of the is of the PSA is like a flash of her like scolded face and like her skin is like boiling.

Speaker 1 So, do you want her to bring you the potatoes?

Speaker 20 If she did, I would be starstruck.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 20 I would. Oh, so a crazy thing is, I posted that clip and the actor who,

Speaker 20 this was a while ago. And this is why I'm the unreliable narrator, but she either commented on the post or she liked it.

Speaker 1 Right. The boiled woman.

Speaker 20 But it is, the thing is, is like, it's an incredible performance. Yeah.
Like it is so disturbing to watch.

Speaker 20 There's like another one where a woman's like hanging something on a ladder in a store and she's like, I should have made sure the base of the ladder was locked, but I was too busy.

Speaker 20 And then she climbs climbs and she's like going. She's like, and this is an old ladder.
We should have had this door replace it, or something like that.

Speaker 20 And then she falls off the ladder and goes through a glass table and she stands up and there's all this like glass through her face.

Speaker 1 I mean, I mean, the creepiest thing, obviously the injuries are horrific. It's the

Speaker 1 beforehand.

Speaker 1 It's not happened yet. They can still stop it.

Speaker 1 And they say. They're basically just going, well, this is what's about to happen to me and I'm going to do it.

Speaker 1 That's really eerie.

Speaker 20 Yeah, it is, it's freaky.

Speaker 1 They must have commented on it, not liked it, for you to know it was them.

Speaker 1 If they just liked it and you figured out it was them.

Speaker 20 Because someone, I think, tagged them

Speaker 20 in it, like ret and like, no, because I think she's like an established actor in Canada and probably beyond.

Speaker 1 I don't really know a lot of actors

Speaker 1 by name. No.
But

Speaker 20 well, that's not your Julia Robert.

Speaker 1 Was it Julia Roberts? That would be amazing, wouldn't it?

Speaker 20 She's a stunning actress. Great cut of hair.
incredible lips, incredible style, and her own unique acting style.

Speaker 1 But that's not what this podcast is about, is it? It could be about Julia Roberts if you wanted to be.

Speaker 20 Would you have her on?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I would personally.
Yeah, I could go with you.

Speaker 1 Did we even get your side dish? Yeah. Fingling potatoes.

Speaker 1 Fingling potatoes.

Speaker 20 It was kind of my only answer that was real.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's the one thing

Speaker 20 you don't really seem to give a shit about.

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Speaker 23 November is all about gathering, friends giving feasts, Thanksgiving dinners, and football weekends.

Speaker 23 Total Wine and More has everything you need for your table and your toasts, with thousands of wines, spirits, and beers at the lowest prices.

Speaker 23 From bold reds to sparklers, you'll find the perfect wines to raise a glass this season.

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Speaker 23 With the lowest prices for over 30 years, you'll always find what you love and love what you find only at Total Wine and more. Curbside pickup and delivery available in most areas.

Speaker 23 See TotalWine.com for details. Spirits not sold in Virginia and North Carolina.
Drink responsibly.

Speaker 20 Be 21.

Speaker 1 Your dream drink. and just so you know this is where in my head I've got the secret ingredient.
Oh, okay still water. Oh I'm kidding

Speaker 20 I'm sorry. I'm feeling so laughy and I'm making a joke and I was making a joke today

Speaker 20 and

Speaker 20 I would say my dream and is this a cocktail or is this just like a glass of milk?

Speaker 1 Whatever you want. It can be a glass of milk.
I suspect you don't want a glass of milk because you you look really angry when you even said glass of milk there.

Speaker 20 Well, when I was a kid, one of my favorite flavor combinations was like spaghetti bolognese, like red sauce with like a glass of whole milk.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 I think just because it's like essentially creating the flavor combination that like a red sauce pasta with like ricotta cheese or something. It's like filling in that space.

Speaker 1 a glass of ricotta cheese maybe. Joe Thomas.
Yeah. Do what? Do you know Joe Thomas?

Speaker 20 No, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 He's an actor. He's in the in-between us, and he used to make spaghetti bolognese and pour in cream

Speaker 1 into the bolognese. It's like a vodka

Speaker 20 sauce because of that.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah,

Speaker 1 you like whole milk and bolognese. So maybe if you hung out with Joe Thomas, he could make it.
Most when I was a kid.

Speaker 1 Well.

Speaker 20 So maybe if would he hang out with me when I was a kid?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We would hang out with you when you were a kid. And also, you've got your inner child knocking about still.

Speaker 20 Is that why my so I'm closing my eyes? I'm imagining, is my inner child on a cot locked in his house

Speaker 1 waiting for the

Speaker 1 creamy bolognese. Creamy bolognese? Yeah, yeah.
That's exactly what's happening.

Speaker 1 And genuinely, the thing about Joe Thomas is I think he's always thinking about his inner child because his eyes are shut through most of the conversation you'll have with him.

Speaker 1 Why is that?

Speaker 1 He's an odd guy. He just does it.
When he talks, he just kind of closes his eyes. Yeah.
And he looks very stressed. I kind of like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 20 It seems like that's it's like a focus a centering thing

Speaker 1 no yeah i don't think he's doing it for that reason

Speaker 20 i don't think he's centering himself he's just panicking oh sometimes i feel like people close their eyes because they're pushing one out

Speaker 1 you think when people close their eyes when you're talking to them they're pushing one out and to clarify i'm talking about shit i'm not talking about calm i don't think he's like pushing one out i don't think anyone thought that when you use the phrase pushing one out that you were talking about come because what that phrase wouldn't make sense at all i thought you were about to like clarify clarify

Speaker 20 yeah i really i appreciate it there was no misunderstanding well there are sometimes you have to you have to agree that in in the queen's english and in american english there are these there are slight differences in kind of like the euphemisms and phrases you said i threw a bear up a tree yeah we would just say in a tree right yes you know that's kind of a beautiful difference so in america there's a cultural exchange happening so in america you you know, you say rub one out.

Speaker 20 Yes. To mean

Speaker 1 a cum

Speaker 20 wad, a load of it.

Speaker 20 And so I was like, maybe,

Speaker 20 maybe there's a world where I say he's closing his eyes to push one out. And one could exist in the same space as come in the queen's English.

Speaker 20 The king's English now?

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe it is now the king's English. So maybe he's not.
Because she can't talk anymore because she's dead. Maybe.
What if she dead? Huh? What if she dead?

Speaker 1 Wouldn't that be scary?

Speaker 20 What if I'm in here?

Speaker 1 She's in the lamp. The queen.
Oh, man. That would be scary if I'll go back in the lamp.
At the end of this episode, the queen's there. Did we settle on whole milk, by the way?

Speaker 20 No, that was a joke. Yeah.
I would say some sort of Bloody Mary.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 I love the, again, tomato sauce, anything savory

Speaker 20 with like a bunch of...

Speaker 20 Not like too much.

Speaker 20 You know how sometimes they'll be like, we're putting a whole fucking hoagie on the toothpick that that i'm like that's a little too much for me so but something fun on the toothpick but what yeah so what is the right balance here of stuff so how spicy do you want it i would say a spicy but not nose runny spicy uh-huh i i don't like that feeling i don't like sniffling like well i'm because eating food and then when you're like trying to wipe your nose it just feels like it inevitably gets in the food that you're eating yes you don't want snot in the food even though earlier you nearly ordered a bolognese full of

Speaker 20 i'm just checking i think those two things can exist yeah i think i can like not want to i think i can eat and tampons and still think snot is gross

Speaker 1 yeah yeah

Speaker 20 do you think oh because i eat like a shit bolognese that ooh yummy i'm gonna eat boogers yeah that's so gross that's too much gross stuff sorry yeah patty's here as our guest james and you've actually been quite confrontational throughout this whole episode.

Speaker 1 I do. I acknowledge that.
Yeah. Thank you.

Speaker 20 Did you see earlier when he it's just going to get cut out of the podcast anyway, so they'll edit it out. But I was like physically attacked.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I saw, I saw.

Speaker 20 Yeah. He, when I walked in, I thought he was going in for a hug, picked me up on my neck.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 And he said, ah, he shook me and all my money came out of my pocket.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I, and I was like, oh my God, I'm being robbed.

Speaker 20 And he's like, I don't care about that fucking money.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
That is what happened.

Speaker 20 Yeah. And then you walked in.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then he was like, oh, hey,

Speaker 1 did you see Kevin Spacey news?

Speaker 20 What's the deal with those submarine people?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I talked about it.
It was a good plateau. It was a good match.

Speaker 1 Yeah. A note to cut it all out.

Speaker 1 You just

Speaker 1 know the robbery. The robbery's staging.
The robbery? Yeah. Yeah, that's all staging.
I also want to know what else, what accoutrement you do want in. Yeah, what's on the toothpick?

Speaker 20 Well, there's got got to be pickles of some sort.

Speaker 20 I like the little onions. I like the pickled onions.
I like, I really, not in any other capacity do I really like cornichons, but I don't like sweet pickles or I think that's gross.

Speaker 20 But I would do like maybe a toothpick that is around

Speaker 20 30 inches long.

Speaker 20 I don't know how you measure that out here. Yeah.

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 20 900 centimeters yeah um 900 stone

Speaker 20 and there would probably be like 30 cornichons on it. There'd be 20 little bulb pickled onions.
There would be some lab grown shrimp. There'd be a bunch of like shrimp cocktail.

Speaker 20 There'd be a little dish that pops out and it has cocktail sauce on it. And then underneath it, there would be a little clip that holds your phone.

Speaker 20 So you can be on your phone. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 20 And then under that, there will be four to five more of the bulb onion pickle.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 20 And then for ice, it'll be french fries.

Speaker 1 I'm kidding.

Speaker 20 I don't want that. That sounds gross.

Speaker 1 I don't mind that. I may have just said that.
If someone said, do you want french fries in your Bloody Mary? I think I would say yes.

Speaker 20 I actually don't, it's French. It's ketchup.

Speaker 1 That

Speaker 1 thing. They would go soggy, though, wouldn't they? Yeah, but.
I think it's something that you at least say yes to the first time. Yeah, you try it.

Speaker 20 Well, what if they did curly fries around the rim of a glass of shrimp around the rim of like a cocktail thing and it's curly fries and then it's like a thicker base for the bloody mary that it could it functions because if you put a bloody mary if a glass on a table and you're with friends they're not going to be there long enough to be soggy people will go after curly fries so fast yeah yeah that's true yeah i'm really into that idea i love it yeah

Speaker 20 now the way you said it sound like you just want to get shit over with no i'm thinking about it is what i'm thinking you said you said i really like that.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I was somewhere else in my head. And then you fucking kicked me under the table.
Yeah. I'm kidding.
Really hard. No.

Speaker 1 What I'm thinking is there's some bloody Mary mix in the fridge here last time I was in. And I'm hoping it's still in there now because you've made me want to drink it.

Speaker 1 No, I'm thinking about pickles because I was just thinking, went to a really nice place in LA, like a pickle stall. And they did a pickle tasting plate.

Speaker 20 What was the pickle store in LA? Do you remember?

Speaker 1 I don't remember what it was called. I'm going to find out.
It was

Speaker 1 in that market, that indoor market. You live in LA.
You've never seen the pickle store, have you? It's making it up. Are you making it up? You've never seen the pickle store.

Speaker 20 No, but I believe it would be there because there are really specific stores.

Speaker 1 How long you live there for?

Speaker 20 Like four and a half years.

Speaker 1 So you don't think you would have seen the pickle store if there was one?

Speaker 20 But I moved there. Well, there was a year where I was essentially bico stole between New York and LA.
And that year, I've kind of blacked out for trauma, but because a lot of stuff happened to me.

Speaker 20 I think maybe it was at a store where they sold,

Speaker 1 I think, oh, it was pickles.

Speaker 20 I got it. Yeah, I got attacked a bunch at this store and then I just

Speaker 1 haven't gone back.

Speaker 1 Your dream desserts.

Speaker 20 Um, I love savory stuff, so I like when they do sweet stuff, that stuff that's supposed to be sweet, and then it ends up being more savory because then it's the food just keeps on coming.

Speaker 20 It feels like dinner just keeps on going.

Speaker 20 So I would say some sort of savory cake that looks like it's going to be a slice of red velvet cake. And then

Speaker 20 you cut into it and you're like, holy crap, that is

Speaker 20 a meatloaf.

Speaker 1 Now, this is probably James' worst nightmare, I think.

Speaker 20 Now, why is that?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to compute how I feel about it. Yeah.
It's weird. So it's like the opposite of like, you know, that trend of like, is it cake?

Speaker 1 And people cut into things that you think aren't cake and it turns out they're cake. This is like the opposite, right? This is something you think is cake and it's actually not cake.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's meatloaf. It's been a much harder TV show, actually.
Yeah, because they all look exactly like cakes.

Speaker 1 It's called Is It Cake? And actually, they're all savory dishes, but they visually you wouldn't be able to tell. All like objects,

Speaker 1 and they're like a table, yeah, yeah, it's a table, and someone's like cutting into it.

Speaker 20 And one of the hosts of the show is like crying.

Speaker 1 They're like, Yeah,

Speaker 20 okay, what's up? They're like, That's not cake, that's my niece.

Speaker 20 And then they cut to it, and they're cake.

Speaker 1 Everyone's like,

Speaker 1 Like a tooth, you see, like a tooth. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That poor guy from SNL. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't know his name. One of David S.
Pumpkins backup dancers. That's the one I know him as.

Speaker 20 Oh, Mikey Day. Yeah, Mikey Day.

Speaker 1 He's dancing. He dances for David S.
Pumpkins. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. He's the one who cuts into the cake.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 20 I think I saw like a funny infographic someone made as a joke that was like.

Speaker 1 And I won't talk about it anymore.

Speaker 20 I see a lot of infographics

Speaker 20 in my algorithm that just don't feel like I should occupy space talking about this here.

Speaker 20 I also watch, my algorithm is kind of bad right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 20 I had a kind of an anxiety, a really anxious couple of weeks. And I went to an anxiety spiral and I started looking up a lot of stuff about just like animal attack, fatal animal attack statistics.

Speaker 20 So then a lot of my feed now is still.

Speaker 20 cluttered with like videos of like animal attacks and stuff.

Speaker 1 That's the really unfortunate part.

Speaker 1 yeah yeah yeah i'm getting a lot of um real uh police interview footage at the moment what do you mean like youtube videos of uh like it's normally america like from interrogation rooms oh of like this murderer thought he was gonna get away with it but he really dropped himself in it that sort of stuff so you watch you what like to watch the ones where the the cops win Of course he does.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, because they're not going to put the videos on of this murderer got away with it.

Speaker 1 Because then

Speaker 1 the murderer wouldn't have got away with it if they know that. So the cops win in all those videos because if the cops didn't win, it wouldn't be a very good video, would it? Well, I

Speaker 20 would love them. I've watched videos where it's like, watch this suspected criminal absolutely serve.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, like run rings around this. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 20 That sounds good. Yeah.
It does happen. And those kind of feel nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've seen those where they like break it down going, this is the right thing to do. Because he's not saying anything.

Speaker 1 But those videos aren't very exciting when they don't say anything.

Speaker 20 Do they do interrogation rooms like that here?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 20 the police don't carry guns, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think.

Speaker 1 I've seen some British footage from interrogation rooms, but yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying that's my algorithm at the moment.

Speaker 1 Went to cross my legs and I smacked my knee on the desk. It really hurts.
So James would be terrible in an interrogation.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you right now.

Speaker 20 I have a really crazy bruise on my knee.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You see it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 that doesn't look that bad i scratched my leg when i'm gonna say no that is absolutely i'm gonna say i haven't looked at it today and it was kind of crazier two days ago yeah that's gone yeah that's that bruise has gone faded and you just showed us your knee and pointed at it

Speaker 20 i am i paid i'm not paid to be here yeah i think you will be yeah you get paid how much

Speaker 1 for what just happened to you yeah i get paid a lot of money in america yeah yeah how much do you get for think you should leave how much you get for that um so the the first season

Speaker 20 i i was just in the one sketch so i made

Speaker 20 nine hundred thousand

Speaker 20 the second season because i was in two sketches i got around forty five million dollars yeah um and they paid for my full body surgery yeah um and it wasn't it kind of wasn't an option i'll be honest they were like you're getting full and i was like if you're paying for it great and they said we are like well awesome that because that kind of that doesn't happen a lot yeah and then the third season i got a seat on that submarine and i didn't end up going which

Speaker 20 good thing right but yeah but now and then no it's just like i haven't been paid so that's why i'm striking yeah yeah

Speaker 1 i'm striking we support you just so you know

Speaker 1 i'm gonna read your menu back to you now see how you feel about it oh it's written down you would like sparkling water You want sourdough outsides, starter spaghetti with red sauce, main 3D printed chicken congee.

Speaker 1 Side dish, swingling potatoes with garlic. Drink Bloody Mary with a 30-inch

Speaker 1 skewer. Pickle skewer.
Cornichons, pickled onions, lab-grown shrimp, cocktail sauce, curly fries, holder for your phone. Dessert, meat life that looks like red velvet cake.

Speaker 20 Can I change the dessert?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 20 It's gonna be tapioca, but when this the server comes out, they do a Donald Trump impression. They go, you're fired.
And they just give you the tapioca.

Speaker 1 yeah yeah yeah you got it perfect to the best of their ability thank you for coming to the dream restaurant Patty thank you

Speaker 1 thank you both

Speaker 1 thank you so much to Patty for coming into the dream restaurant I'll tell you what very close to a cup of dog shit very close to that main course but she didn't pick the shit with um tampons in it didn't even pick the shit with tampons in it but uh you know it could have been a cup of dog shit around the corner so yeah yeah yeah.

Speaker 1 Thanks for not picking it, Patty. It was nice to have you in.
Thank you. It was lovely to have Patty in.
I absolutely love Patty Harrison. Yeah.
It was a great episode.

Speaker 1 Couldn't stop laughing that episode. So apologies to listener if it was just me laughing into my mic the whole time.
No, I love that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Benito was doing his little giggles as well. Yeah, he had a really nice day, actually, Benito.
I thought he was kicking his legs around like a little boy on a wall. He was.

Speaker 1 He was loving it on his little wall. Yes.
So congratulations to Benito. Do go and see Patty live if you get the chance.

Speaker 1 Check out her website, social media, all of that sort of stuff. And watch Shrill.
Watch, I think you should leave, watch anything she's in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and send Patty some nice videos so that her algorithm changes. Yes.
As well, that'd be quite generous. That would be very generous.
I'm on tour, James.

Speaker 1 I'm doing my show Hot Diggity Dog all over the UK. I forget it's called that.
Going all over the UK, apart from the bits that I'm not going to, and I'm sorry about that. Well, you're not, though.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not.

Speaker 1 You know what? Booking a tour is really hard. Yeah.
Because you've got to get the right venue on the right day. And sometimes you just can't do that.
Sometimes you can't do that.

Speaker 1 Sometimes you don't want to go to their stinking towns.

Speaker 1 No, I don't. I would go to any stinking town where

Speaker 1 people would come, to be honest. But I'm not.
Also, I'm not going to go from Cornwall to Scotland. So if the routing doesn't work out,

Speaker 1 sorry. Sorry.
But

Speaker 1 I'll try another time. I will.
You should move closer to Scotland. Yes.
If you live in Cornwall. Yes.
Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again sometime soon.
Bye-bye. Bye.

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Speaker 4 Why choose a sleep number smart bed?

Speaker 6 Can I make my site softer?

Speaker 7 Can I make my site firmer?

Speaker 1 Can we sleep cooler?

Speaker 8 Sleep number does that, cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side.

Speaker 9 Your sleep number setting. Enjoy personalized comfort for better sleep night after night.

Speaker 4 It's our Black Friday sale, recharged this season with a bundle of cozy, soothing comfort.

Speaker 10 Now only $17.99 for our C2 mattress and base plus free premium delivery.

Speaker 11 Prices higher in Alaska and Hawaii.

Speaker 12 Check it out at a sleep number store or sleepnumber.com today.

Speaker 23 November is all about gathering, friends giving feasts, Thanksgiving dinners, and football weekends.

Speaker 23 Total Wine and More has everything you need for your table and your toasts, with thousands of wines, spirits, and beers at the lowest prices.

Speaker 23 From bold reds to sparklers, you'll find the perfect wines to raise a glass this season.

Speaker 23 And when it comes to spirits, Total Wine has you covered from smooth bourbons and tequilas to all the essentials for your holiday cocktails.

Speaker 23 Hosting Thanksgiving, Total Wine's guides make it easy by taking out the guesswork.

Speaker 23 With the lowest prices for over 30 years, you'll always find what you love and love what you find, only at Total Wine and More. Curbside pickup and delivery available in most areas.

Speaker 23 See TotalWine.com for details. Spirits not sold in Virginia and North Carolina.
Drink responsibly.

Speaker 20 Be 21.

Speaker 24 Hello, I'm Lucy Beaumont.

Speaker 1 And I'm Sam Campbell, as a matter of fact.

Speaker 25 Perfect Brains is one of the most enchanting podcasts. The effect it has on people is astounding.

Speaker 24 That is what we've heard, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 25 This changes people's lives.

Speaker 23 If you had to sum it up, how would you sum it up?

Speaker 24 An in-depth look at sumo wrestling and the scandals, because it used to be considered so honourable like sumos and they all live together sumos no two podcasts are the same do you remember that one where i just messaged loads of dereks i don't think people know that i emailed a hundred dereks i don't think it was derek's i thought it was brian's

Speaker 24 yeah lucy um emailed every brian on facebook our podcast is out every friday so it's really easy to remember it's like if you've got an office job it's the first day you feel alive again lucy and sam's perfect brains one of the hottest podcasts People are going crazy for this podcast.

Speaker 24 Yeah, please give it a listen.

Speaker 25 We're loaded up on Buzzballs. We've got a laboo boo in both hands, and we are ready to screech.