Ep 250: Patti Harrison

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

Time for a sofa upgrade?

Visit washable sofas.com and discover Anibay, where designer style meets budget-friendly prices, with sofas starting at $699.

Anibay brings you the ultimate in furniture innovation with a modular design that allows you to rearrange your space effortlessly.

Perfect for both small and large spaces, Anibay is the only machine-washable sofa inside and out.

Say goodbye to stains and messes with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics that make cleaning easy.

Liquid simply slides right off.

Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.

Plus, our pet-friendly stain-resistant fabrics ensure your sofa stays beautiful for years.

Don't compromise quality for price.

Visit washable sofas.com to upgrade your living space today with no risk returns and a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Get up to 60% off plus free shipping and free returns.

Shop now at washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void?

Void, void.

But with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers, a network of 130 million of them, in fact.

You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company, seniority, skills, and did I say job title?

See how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads.

Spend $250 on your first campaign and get a free $250 credit for the next one.

Get started at linkedin.com/slash campaign.

Terms and conditions apply.

A happy place comes in many colors.

Whatever your color, bring happiness home with Certopro Painters.

Get started today at Certapro.com.

Each Certapro Painters business is independently owned and operated.

Contractor license and registration information is available at certapro.com.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, Peeling the Banana of the Internet.

That's what I got this week.

That's Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

We're a banana, I guess.

Yeah, we're a banana.

I was just trying to work out whether I should do a fruit salad, and I thought that's a bit involved because I need loads of these intros.

So why not just do it fruit by fruit?

So, this is the first of a series?

Yeah, it could be.

But I mean all the episodes come out in a different order.

So this is the first one, but you might be hearing this way after we've we've broadcast some of the other fruits in the fruit salad.

Yeah.

And then eventually, I guess you will say, welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Yes.

We've got ourselves a fruit salad.

We've got ourselves a fruit salad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So that will be on an episode that you've either heard already or is coming up and the intro will simply be welcome to the off-menu podcast.

You got yourselves a fruit salad.

Yeah.

And then when Ed has done that, if you, the listeners, can send in all the ingredients of the fruit salad that he's already said, you send it to Benito.

You'll get a signed chopping board.

You get a signed chopping board.

By the great Bonito, we'll sign a chopping board and send it to you.

But you have to send him

all of the fruits in order

that we recorded them in.

Yeah, because I will say that's the second fruit going in for the next time I do it.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's generous of you.

You could do it, that you just say the fruits and they have to work out what order we recorded the other.

That's quite hard, actually.

I suppose it's for a signed chopping board, so I should make it a bit difficult.

So let's just do it.

Yeah.

We do different fruits.

The last one that goes out.

I like banana in a fruit salad.

I like it in a fruit salad.

It goes a bit soft.

It goes a bit soft.

You have to kind of like...

I mean, it's a weird start.

Yeah.

To the fruit salad.

But listen out for this.

We'll make sure that we got ourselves a fruit salad goes out last.

Yes, absolutely.

And then when you've heard that, send in all the ingredients for the fruit salad in the order that we said them in.

Yeah.

And then that we recorded them in.

And then Great Benito will send you a signed choppy board.

Yeah, that's tricky.

How are we going to make sure that the, you got yourselves a fruit salad goes out last?

We'll do, yeah,

we can do that.

We can work that out.

I look at we can do that.

Yeah.

Benito wants us to be very clear because he's already, we literally just came up with this idea on the spot and he's already exasperated by it.

He's absolutely gutted.

But he wants to make it clear.

that only the first person who gets it will get the chopping board like last time, whatever it was that we did.

Yeah.

And they did get it last time.

He did sign the chopping board and send it to us.

He will do it again this time, but it is just for the first person who gets it.

Yeah.

And this is harder this one.

Oh, it's very hard this.

And this could go on for, I mean, given how far in advance we record, this could go on for 18 months or two years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you really have to be a hardcore fan.

Yeah.

Also to deserve it.

The next intro I do, I'm almost certainly going to forget about that.

I'm not forgetting about it.

So I will remind you.

Yeah.

Wherever you're stuck.

Yes.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Castle.

We own a dream restaurant and we invite a guest in every single week.

We ask them their favorite s side dish, a drink,

starter, dessert, dessert, and main course.

Not in that order.

First person to put them in the right order gets a sign shopping board.

And this week, our guest is

Patty Harrison.

Patty Harrison, a brilliant comedian, writer, performer.

She is, of course, in I Think You Should Leave.

Yep.

And like also taking her new stand-up show to the Edinburgh Festival.

Yes.

Which everyone should go and check out.

She's over here in the UK quite a lot.

So do check out Patty's live dates because she's often at the Soho Theatre.

I think she likes performing in the UK so she's here fairly often and I would highly recommend going to see one of her shows.

She was of course also in Shrill which I absolutely love.

Yeah Shrill's fantastic she was in an episode of She-Hulk.

She got married.

Yes.

So her wedding and let's just say it didn't go according to plan.

Oh thank you very much.

Very excited to speak to Patty.

I think it's going to be an interesting episode.

Yes.

Patty is unpredictable.

Yes.

Which means that when we had to come up with a secret ingredient for this episode, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, it's pretty difficult to like pick one that maybe Patty would say or put what Patty wouldn't say, but

we've connected it to her work.

Something go connected to her work, and there's one of the sketches from season three of I Think You Should Leave.

So this week, the secret ingredient is a cup of dog shit.

A cup of dog shit.

A cup of dog shit.

We're not going to ruin the sketch for you.

No.

But it's a cup of dog shit.

And

it is at least intended to be drunk by someone.

Yes.

I think already we have certain different types of listeners.

And I think there's some of our listeners are now going, oh, it's a disgusting episode.

Yes.

No, thank you.

But it probably will be a disgusting episode.

Yes.

I would wager.

So, like, you know, if you are one of those people, it doesn't look disgusting.

But maybe you'd wait until the evening to listen to this one.

Yeah, I think so.

This is a post-watershed episode and imagine.

Yeah, yeah.

Should we get into it?

I think we should get into it.

I'm very excited about this.

The first fruit salad episode.

This is the off-menu menu of Patty Harrison.

Welcome Patty to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome Patty Harrison to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

What?

There were two different welcomes.

Yes.

Which one did you prefer?

And be honest.

And you can critique them if you like.

Yours felt more formal.

Yes.

And Ed's was like more if it wasn't a podcast and it was just like meeting you in person.

Yeah.

So I think you maybe you were supposed more appropriate for for this

mine made you feel like you're on a podcast.

Yeah, I felt like I was on a podcast and it woke me up a little bit.

And Ed's felt like

I like to ease.

I like to ease it again.

Yeah, docile, yes.

Yeah, that's that's the style that I go for.

Now, James always says, we've been expecting you for some time, but what's happened with you, Patty, just to let the listener know, is that we were supposed to record this another time, but you showed up a full week early.

Yeah, I I showed up a full week early.

And the way you say it too is really, this makes it sound like I did that.

Like it's my fault.

No, no, no, I'm not even, I'm not saying it's your fault, certainly.

And I don't think it's a bad thing.

I actually think you're our keenest guest of all time.

It's funny.

Now, what's keen mean?

Yeah, eager.

Hmm.

That's true.

I was actually pretty terrified.

I remember on the ride to

the incorrect ride, I took an Uber to this very studio.

And I remember kind of being in the car being like, what the fuck?

Am I allowed to cuss?

What the fuck's my starter going to be?

And then,

yeah,

I was talking to James about it earlier, but I was texting with Charlie because we were like also talking about like making plans at some point.

And I was like, by the way, I'm like on my way to go record record with Ed for Offmenu.

And she was like, oh, he's out of the country.

I was like, yeah, right, bitch.

You have a weird, dry sense of humor.

But she was right.

Yeah.

She knew.

She was correct.

My wife tends to know if I'm out of the country or not.

I keep her abreast of these situations.

Oh, breast?

A wife abreast?

Right.

Well, both of you need to stop this immediately.

You got a freaky marriage, man.

Strange freaky.

Isn't this marriage freaky?

Hey, I, and guess what?

I'm sure there's that, that's just kind of like the the tip of um

breast yeah iceberg yeah yeah

tip of breast that's nipple yeah come on

no one's saying to say yeah yeah no one says i'd like to touch your tip of the breast yeah but you would you would say nipple i'd like to touch a nipple yeah

well when you say tip of the breast it

it evokes the image of uh or invoke what invokes or evokes evokes i'd say evokes evokes the image of a breast with no nipple but a point yeah a nipple that a breast that comes to a point with no nipple no areola no nothing i almost said cornea no cornea to it a breast or corneas i don't i mean i don't mind it as an image yeah yeah you like a

breast with an eye

an eyeball no i meant with no nipple but then now now you're talking about it a breast with with an eye yeah not bad you'd like that not bad not bad what say you a breast-sized nipple

and not plural, just one.

Yeah.

Look, I think each to their own.

And

who are these each?

Yeah.

When you say each to their own, who are you?

The owner.

Well,

I'm thinking about the owner of the breast-sized nipple.

And fair enough.

Fair enough to them.

And good luck.

These are like vague platitudes.

I feel like you're deflecting like the intimacy of real details that could kind of like flesh out a greater internal world around what your real feelings are about it.

But that's okay.

And I won't won't push.

I'll be honest, I've been thinking about the eye.

The eye nipple.

And then I started thinking about what if it had a monocle.

And then I felt really weird and just started talking.

So it's nearsighted.

Yeah.

And it's got like a steampunk

aesthetic.

Steampunk breast.

I guess that's, I wouldn't want to investigate that very much either.

No.

Here's what I'm wondering.

Is your menu today going to be the same as the menu that you had in your head when you turned up on the wrong day?

I think you're about to fucking find out.

It is.

Yeah, it actually is.

I think this was, I had a lot of time to think about it.

So it has changed,

to be honest, to be jokes aside, mask off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But will we get to hear what it was originally on the day that you came a week early?

Do you think we'll hear the shift?

If you'd like.

Yeah.

But would you say it's fair to say that you forever changed by that day so that all the food you liked before you turned up on the wrong day, you never eat that anymore because you're scarred by the fact that you turned up on the wrong day.

And now you're a completely different person.

I think you're assuming that that day had that moment had more of an impact on me than it may have.

That's like really presumptuous of you.

What I will say is that,

you know, it doesn't every day change us forever.

Every day it changes us forever.

You, in the future, you is led to where you will be then by the who you are today.

And what I will say is that the menu upon my first visit before my trauma was

more earnest.

I guess maybe the newer menu is tinged with, I don't know what's it called when you're like

you want to kill someone, you can't.

Oh, okay.

You're not allowed to because of.

And you have, and you guys made laws.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We made all the laws.

We did start a lot of laws.

And we took some of those in the U.S.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what is the feeling when you want to kill someone, but you can't?

Homicidal rage?

Yeah, I guess so.

Say homicidal rage.

Oh, sorry, homicidal rage.

Yeah.

Sorry, your accents are insane.

They're crazy.

I mean, I would say homicidal as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I just don't say homicide enough.

Yes.

I just never say it.

It's kind of cool.

Well, I wouldn't say homocide.

Yeah.

Like, I wouldn't say that.

But what if...

Because I don't know why I said homicide.

What if there was some sort of branding where homocide was actually you saying you're an ally to the gay community and and you're like, I, it's in really small, tiny, tiny prints, I'm on the, and then it says homo side.

Yeah,

that's the thing.

Yeah, I'm allowed to say that, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can say that, yeah,

yeah, congratulations, but James has said it twice so far, is he's not allowed to say it.

No, oh, yeah, I'm in trouble, I guess.

I drew that, yes, from something you didn't say.

Yeah, I had to, I had to acknowledge it.

Yeah, I've got, I had to own it, and you, and you, I think you did awesome.

I think you paid, yeah.

we always start with still or sparkling water.

Do you have a preference?

Um, and then and the there would be the little sound effect you add later, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ben would add a little sound effect, or if you want, you can make your own sound effects now and we can put them in instead for this episode.

Okay, so for the spiller spark, still or sparkling, is it like the sound of the glass it's poured in, right?

I think, yeah, yeah, it's like something pouring into a glass.

Yeah, if it's like

like, no, that's too like hammy.

I'm not trying, I'm actually not trying to ham it up.

It'd be like,

I don't know.

Because you know how it like goes from like low to high as like the flask gets filled.

It's like,

it gets a big pitch.

Maybe just like

would be

squeezed in.

Yeah, not only do I think we should use that sound effect for your episode, I think we should use it for the next episode as well.

Yeah.

And who's the next?

Well, no idea, but they're in for a treat.

I was going to say, you guys had so many guests.

I was like going through the, to like listen.

I was like, you've had so, you've had every person I've ever seen

on this podcast.

Yeah.

Yes.

You were recording.

I mean, we're recording this at like 9.45.

I got here, which is like,

that's a normal morning time, but to record a podcast, that's like, you guys are.

hammering it out.

Yeah.

It's almost like my time here means nothing, Dee.

Means everything.

You're the first guest.

You're the only one we're going to care about today.

yeah the others who come later we burnt out we don't really give a shit there's multiple other guests two more today but we're not gonna be listening to them is it who is it is it like christine aguilera and

um the you got the first one the stingray okay the stingray

ha ha ha

yeah it is it is christine aguilera and the stingray yeah yeah yeah correct don't get them in the same room

we know that guy yeah yeah

attention whores I'm appreciating

amazing talents.

They're both.

Yeah.

What do you think the stingray would choose for still or sparkling water?

Stingrays love water.

Well,

do they hide?

Do fish drink?

Good question.

Are they ingesting salt water?

And there's also, I guess that stingray would have been a saltwater ray.

I kind of think

maybe

sparkling.

Yeah.

To be, you know, maybe it would, it would be like, you'd be like still or sparkling and it would be like, I have to say say sparkling.

Or I'd be like, I have to say sparkling.

And then you would be like, she's lying.

You've never had sparkling water.

No, no.

Never had sparkling water.

It's an interesting question, though.

They can zap, right?

They can zap.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Oh, stingrays can like zap people.

Is that true?

They can't.

There's electric eels.

I think there are like skates that can generate maybe electric current, but stingrays have the barb the barbs they stick it in you and it has venom in it that's how we lost yes lost steve irwin i thought they zapped people and they were like electric so were you gonna say because if a stingray could zap they make all water sparkling is that yeah like they have a little soda stream yeah a little soda stream huh yeah like stingrays could drink water and then produce sparkling water but they just stab people which is horrific yeah so it's like so how does this the this electric ray get from producing electricity to then carbonating the water?

Well, because it would like, you know, it just, it just zaps it with all the electricity and makes it spark.

That's how, I think that's how it works.

What the soda stream

ray?

Yeah, yeah.

Both.

You know, I don't honestly know enough about it to.

That's what I was banking on

with a lot of my stuff.

Yeah.

And I don't even know why I'm trying to find a hole in it.

That would be like a wonderful idea.

We need to know what you like, though.

Do you like

sparkling water?

I would say in my previous,

the first time I thought I was coming in when I really had my heart into it, I would say, if I went to a restaurant, you know, I'm always getting flat still water.

But because I am where I am now and I've had the experiences I have now, I don't want to say I'm like going to fuck up the whole dinner and get sparkling water.

I'm going to start with sparkling water because I'm an insane piece of shit that wants to kill, but

Yeah.

To start a dinner with sparkling water, that's food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It takes up so much space.

Yeah.

It's textured.

Sparkling water is like the meatloaf of drinks that are water.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get exactly what you mean.

Do you?

Yeah.

It's too much.

It's like you could slice it, right?

You cut a big slice of sparkling water for yourself.

It's so dense.

Yeah.

I feel like you could

like stuff it yeah

what would you stuff it with uh what do you normally stuff stuff with

um i don't know maybe like a turducken style thing where it's stuffed it's duck stuffed with duck

sparkling water stuff

a pint of sparkling water and stuffed with shot glass of sparkling water

stuff with shot glasses yeah just like smaller glasses over and over with water no you're gonna do it like a turducken now if we take it back out into a turducken, if you went to someone's house and they're like, I made a meal and it's a turducken, but it's stuffed with glass.

What would you think about that?

Like, what would you think about that?

What would I think about that?

Yeah.

It would depend on the friend.

If it was Ed, for example, if it's someone I know very well,

I would be like, okay, Ed's had a nervous breakdown.

But I've got to play this very delicately because I don't want to upset him.

So I'd eat around the glass, but I would talk to Charlie and go, we really need to get Ed some help.

He's just stuffed a turkey with a glass, with another glass.

And he says it was a taduccan, but it's clearly...

Here's what I think, though.

I think you inherently trust me about food.

So if I turned up with a taduccan that was stuffed with glass, I think you'd go, sounds a bit unusual.

And then you'd eat it.

Yeah, I would probably make a joke about it first and go, Ed, this is a...

you stuff this with glass and then he would say it's delicious i've had it before and i love it and i'd be like i guess i'm eating it and my mouth will be getting all cut up.

I'll be saying thank you.

And that'd probably be how it would, my Joker origin story.

Yes.

You know how I got these scars?

My friend Ed stuffed a turkey with some glass and fed it to me.

Yeah.

I think that the relationship that you two have is astronomically and deeply codependent to the point of like, it doesn't just hurt and impact you.

It probably hurts the people closest to you

and ripples outward.

The grebonita.

Because I can only imagine that you would have other people there.

So it's two people who are very charismatic, very, very, seem intelligent, very soft-spoken.

You two in a room being like, eat the glass.

You probably, and there, you know, I feel like there's a general cultural sense of like politeness conditioning here.

And so I feel like there would be a lot of people politely and guess what it's fresh out of the oven it's hot glass

but you have uh

you have your own free will and again i don't know why i'm no it's far i i i think it's i think everything you've said is valid just then i can't you know and also i'd like to point out if it was someone i didn't know very well like you and i have met twice if it was you and I went around and you were like, I've stuffed this turkey with glass.

I would say, oh, cool.

I'm going to go to the toilet.

And then I would leave.

And you you wouldn't see me again because I would be like, I don't know Patty well enough to know that this is gonna be okay.

Um, well,

she would kill me, yeah.

I don't know, that's that's really unfortunate to say.

Because just like as a transgender woman, I feel like there's a lot of there's like a pattern in my life of like cis men uh kind of like doing things like that to me.

Yeah, ah, well

that would kind of drive me not to be homicidal, kind of to turn inward.

Yeah.

See, the difficult thing for me now in this situation is we're now at the point in the podcast where I have to yell pop a dumbs or bread at you.

But I've just been like,

I'm now in an area where I think that would tip it over into full hate crime.

And then

I would not be a good guy.

Well, lucky for you, it's opposite day.

So it can't be any hate crime today is well-intentioned and actually it's kind of like a gaffe

Pop-dom so Brett.

Don't scream it.

Popadoms are bread.

Pop-doms on bread, Patty Harrison.

Pop dumps on bread.

This, I, my inner child is, is curled,

curling, falling out of its little cot.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's it.

Um,

Popadums or Brett, are those like little chips?

Milk crisps

that size.

Okay.

Okay.

Sorry, I said it that way.

I was going to say, I want to let you guys know I am more jet lagged than I've ever been in my life.

Yeah.

And this is about for me the time I would normally go to bed in Los Angeles.

My sleep schedule is already fucked up and bad.

So it would be like around like, I think like 2 a.m.

or something.

You're going to bed at 2 a.m.

Normally, yeah.

That's like when I like start to fall asleep.

So even if I get in bed earlier than that, I usually don't like naturally stop thinking about killing a bunch of people at the mall,

killing a bunch of people in a movie theater, but that's like American.

It's kind of like, yeah, I don't know.

I don't want to like,

we're in London.

We're talking about things you guys like.

I would say bread.

I think originally I would have said papa dums.

Am I saying that correctly?

I say it incorrectly.

Every episode I've been told that and still haven't corrected myself.

Have you had papa dumbs much in your life?

I think I have.

I think I have.

Have you been for many sort of late night Indian meals while you've been in the UK?

Because you've done a lot of shows here, right?

Yeah, not late night, not and not on this trip and not recently.

Never.

Never.

But

no, I

think I've had it before.

I know I've had it before.

I don't think I've had it recently.

But I think now my answer would go to bread.

Any particular type of bread?

You know what the not fun thing is?

Is I was blemic for a really long time.

And so I have this anxiety still in my system, even like long after going through treatment and like therapy and working through it, where there are foods that give me anxiety that I have during that time corrected into being like, oh, my favorite kind of bread is actually like gluten-free bread made of rice or something like that, because it's like

that is what my brain internalized as like the lowest calorie bread versus what actually tastes good.

So what this podcast has done is triggered all those feelings in me

in every

kind of cell and molecule in my body.

So when you ask me what kind of bread,

my body wants to say,

imaginary bread.

Pass on the bread.

Yeah.

And that's a scary place to come back to.

Because I was so healthy and good up until this moment in my life.

Yeah.

So we've done all of that work.

Yeah.

And even worse, the time for you to do this podcast is it's been ages, this wait, because you turned up a week early and now it's, you know, months later.

So we've basically triggered all of that.

And it's been weeks and weeks and weeks that you've had to sit with that.

Yeah.

And, and I'll just be frank, I forgot my gun.

Things would be different on this trip.

I had a plan.

That being said, maybe Fakasha.

I would say maybe Fukasha.

That is what I will say to not

misconstrue anything.

I think now it does take me a second to be like, well, what would I actually like?

And I just like when it's like sourdough, maybe.

I think that's a simple.

I think I like the outside more than I like the inside, but don't tell anybody I said that.

Well, we could, look, this is the dream restaurant, so we can just give you the outside of sourdough.

Yeah.

A whole basket of sourdough outside.

Okay.

Yeah.

I would love the inside scooped out,

very, very conspicuously thrown in the trash outside.

Like there's a dumpster out front of the restaurant where people have to cue.

And the employees are like really, really like.

trauma trained to they have to really make a big to-do like they have to be really loud when they throw all of it in the trash in front of everybody they have to be like ah like that it's really heavy it's like a lot of bread going to waste that's fine we can do that wouldn't it be cool if we hadn't abused like our planet so bad

we could live in a world where like we could have a lot of fun with food waste in that way it would be great because it's

we did at one point live in that world right where we were just having a lot of fun with food waste now if you could say at one point can you plot the years out oh yeah yeah I don't know.

I'm kind of thinking...

The 90s.

I guess, if I'm honest, I'll be honest with both of you about what the period of history I'm thinking of

that popped in my head genuinely is the food fight in Bugsy Malone.

And I know that's not something that really happened.

I know it was just in a film.

So in your mind,

Bugsy Malone is an era of history.

Yeah, I was like, there was a time where we were freely.

wasting food because everyone was throwing food at each other and it was really fun.

But I know that didn't happen for real.

But in my head, as we were talking about it then, I was like, there was a time in the 50s where most kids were gangsters and we would throw custard pies at each other all the time.

But that meant they died.

And that meant they died.

Yeah.

But then they came back at the end of it.

Yeah.

So I have to, I haven't seen it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

But

the kids die?

Well, they don't.

They get hit by custard pies.

They get hit by custard pies, but that then is them.

That's essentially them dying and being removed from the board.

They're taken off the board when that happens.

yeah okay and that was a fun cool thing that they had a food fight yeah at the end there's like a big like um fight with all the guns that fire custard pies at each other and stuff and so like they have a big one but then they're all laughing and having a good old laugh with it and they sing about if you give a little love it all comes back to you at the end or they're all covered in the food it's a shame you think food fights are food fights are gone now forever yeah you won't be able to do i mean that's it's unethical did you ever have one in school yeah you did no

i lied i i like food too much so i was never gonna throw my lunch at anyone i would love someone rearing their hand back and they go to throw the food and the food's gone and then like the tips of their fingers and they turn around and it's you there and your eyes are like rolled up in your head like a shark

You have like a membrane that protects your pupils when you like eat.

I love that as well.

Are you sure you haven't seen Bugsy Ball?

That's it.

I refuse to see it because I've read the synopsis and there are themes in the film that are too close to experiences I've had in my real life.

You walk in tired and hungry, one bad dinner away from losing it.

You don't like to cook.

You don't want more takeout.

You just want something good.

That's why there's Dish by Blue Apron.

Pre-made meals with at least 20 grams of protein and no artificial flavors or colors from fridge to fork in five minutes or less.

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRAN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com/slash terms for more.

Let's be real.

Life happens.

Kids spill.

Pets shed.

And accidents are inevitable.

Find a sofa that can keep up at washable sofas.com.

Starting at just $699, our sofas are fully machine washable inside and out.

So you can say goodbye to stains and hello to worry-free living.

Made with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics.

They're kid-proof, pet-friendly, and built for everyday life.

Plus, changeable fabric covers let you refresh your sofa whenever you want.

Neat flexibility?

Our modular design lets you rearrange your sofa anytime to fit your space, whether it's a growing family room or a cozy apartment.

Plus, they're earth-friendly and trusted by over 200,000 happy customers.

It's time to upgrade to a stress-free, mess-proof sofa.

Visit washablefas.com today and save.

That's washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Let's start with your dream starter then.

We're at your proper meal now.

Okay, see, you say a starter, but when I think of starters, I usually think of multiple.

But is maybe that's wasteful or decadent or whatever.

Well, we've already got the skip out the front full of sourdough inside.

So I don't think you need to worry about this restaurant being wasteful.

Okay.

Spaghetti.

Any specifics with the spaghetti?

Arabiata.

Putanesca.

A red sauce.

Yeah, it's all spaghetti.

It doesn't matter if it's spicy or not.

I don't really like spicy food.

I like spicy food.

I don't, I have to like be kind of like in a headspace knowing that because I get past reflux and stuff.

So you have to like prepare yourself for mentally i'm going into the spicy foods i don't know it well it depends on how spicy something is but i would say just like a normal red sauce with spaghetti would be nice because spaghetti has like is fun why is it fun why is it fun because the way it's shaped dumbass

have you seen that stuff

yeah

what's it doing yeah yeah yeah what is it doing it's like kind of doing

that for people i forget people are listening listening to this um no i think i like spaghetti but i do feel weird that like that pasta like that can be the main a main and then like that's all you're getting for the rest of dinner yeah is that because it's it's like not you keep there's that's not dinner does it feel like dinner to you well that's i guess you're going for more like the way the italians would actually do it having it as a separate course right Yeah, I just feel like people order like spaghetti, even spaghetti with meatballs.

Sorry, I just called it spetty.

Did you call it spetty?

I got really excited thinking about it.

I didn't hear that you called it spetty.

Oh, gosh.

Okay.

The inner child is out of its cot.

I think you're the first person who's told me that inner child is in a cot.

Normally, I'd imagine like an inner child being like a giddy sort of kid running around, but yours is

mainly asleep, right?

Like a natural like little baby asleep.

Well, you can kind of create any space for your inner child, but I think it's more, you know, it's like when I, when you close your eyes and you think of like childhood ed,

what age would you place that?

Oh, good question.

Weirdly, just for the listener,

Patty is the only person closing her eyes right now.

Yes.

Ed is not closing his eyes to imagine childhood edge, but Patty is doing that.

Well, I don't need to close my eyes.

I'll close my eyes and imagine childhood age.

Okay.

It helps.

I think I'm maybe four or five okay yeah so i'm not i'm not in a cot so what is always seven you're seven always every time yeah and what is the surrounding within like if there's like a maybe like 10 foot diameter around you i guess what is what's the the what's it look like what's a set decor outdoors it's outdoor it's outside

maybe swimming a swimming pool Hmm.

Interesting.

I just opened my eyes to check patting.

He's still got his eyes open.

Yeah.

Not doing it at all.

I don't need to shut my eyes to go and shut my own head.

Patty and I have shut our eyes.

It's just richer that way.

Okay.

Right.

I shut my eyes.

Okay, swimming pool.

I think a swimming pool, yeah.

So your

inner child's kind of treading water all the time?

No, I'm not in the swimming pool.

I'm around the swimming pool.

Okay.

Is someone watching your inner child?

I don't think so.

Just you?

Are you?

Near the pool.

Are you about to take a dip?

I might take a dip.

Might go and get an ice cream.

I'm just romping around, you know?

Okay.

That's really, that's an exciting, that sounds like a summer memory.

Yeah, I think it is.

I think it's from my first, I think it's from my first memory, which is probably when I was three or four, where

I was near a pool and put a teddy bear up a tree.

Oh, yeah, I did know about that.

Yeah, I told you that before.

Yeah, you told me.

You put it

through a teddy bear.

And then it got covered in ants, didn't it?

Yeah, I had to save it from the ants.

Yeah.

That's a strong arm to be a kid that young and get to throw a bear up a tree.

I sort of just placed it in a branch that was near to me, I think.

Okay.

Rather than throw it all the way up to the top of the tree.

And then ants got to it.

Yeah.

And then ants.

Well, I saved them from the ants, yeah.

Well, I have to ask.

It's a teddy bear.

And then it got covered in ants.

So was the teddy bear dirty and like covered in like, I don't know, icing or something?

Probably.

Knowing me, it probably had some sort of like dried sugar-based thing on there.

What do you think my inner child says about me, Patty?

I think your inner child has a strong sense of play that permeates into your life now, which is why you're a comedian and you cherish that.

It also would seem that you know you're protective, you have this bear that uh wait, no, that was a memory.

That's not is that set decor in your not really, it's just the pool, really.

Oh, okay, so it's a pool.

Okay, so you like to swim,

and James, what is your yeah, uh, gun range,

James,

is that true?

Are you being funny on your podcast?

That's what I imagined.

Because when I have my eyes closed

and you say gun range, I'm imagining a gun range and now I'm

that's just so you know, I'm really I'm an empath and this is really scary for me to be in this gun range.

And you're seven?

You're seven years old.

Are there there's gun ranges here?

I own this one in my

I own it.

Your inner

gun.

One's a gun range, yeah.

private gun range I own it it's private just for killing vampires oh just for vampires okay and why what did vampires do well I'm a seven-year-old it's my main fear so I've mainly got all those you know all those things that people fire at that are normally human shaped they they got capes and stuff well what's wrong with their silhouette you can tell they're wearing a cape yeah a cape well that a cape it's interesting that you bring up because like a lot of vampire imagery is actually uh in the media media is usually like queer coded

and that vampires a lot of times represent symbolically the uh kind of like puritanical fear of homosexual people and so this gun range where you are setting you're training you're militarized at such a young age to kill vampires quote-unquote vampires is there's just something really fascinating and cool there and I can't implore you enough to make make the homicide shirts and sell them on your web the off menu website.

I'm giving you my permission.

Like how have you done it again, james i can't well look i've learned a lot about myself this episode i'm gonna go away and have a have a very long think about it it's crazy because i've learned a lot about you both on this episode and i've lost about myself

i've lost

things about myself yeah

Your dream main course.

Do I do the sound effect first?

But if people tell where you should do like a microwave sound effect or something sometimes.

A microwave?

Yeah, like a microwave getting to the end of itself.

That's one of the sound effects.

Yeah, or like sizzling in a pan, maybe?

Sizzling in a pan.

What about someone opening an oven and they get hit with...

Or no,

it's like they, it's when someone doesn't realize a pot has been on the stove too long and that it's like everything inside is like burnt and on fire and they open the pan and they get hit with superheated air and it actually gives them an injury.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So kind of like the sound of the metal like coming off and then they're like,

like that.

Yeah.

That's good.

That's good.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Great.

We'll use that.

Yeah.

You know, I would say when I originally was coming to do this, I was like, I think what would be really nice is some sort of like, like congee.

I really like that.

Like my mom's from Vietnam and there's a lot of comfort foods that she would make.

kind of weekly that were always on the stove for better or for worse, whether it's she was like, you know, keeping track of how long they'd been on the stove or if we were going to get sick from eating it but it always tasted good so originally i was like a congee with yeah that that would be nice i think it's like a filling that's like the carby version of i think what maybe some people who do spaghetti for the main course i'm also i'll i'll be honest i'm pescatarian now so i'm not really it's it's like i don't know if i can really say that because i think the best congee is like a it's like a bone chicken kind of base and I don't I've never had like a vegetarian version of that but I think because of the way that I feel now in my second go the final course would just be like a big fucking hot wad of shit filled with tampons

piece of shit

Arabiata

It would be shit and tampons.

Tampons prepared like a fusili or whatever.

Soaked in the shit.

a bolognese yeah a shit bolognese human shit and other whatever's around so just to be clear a human shit bolognese is that just like someone's made a bolognese out of human shit or someone eating bolognese and then shit yeah i get a very good question from james well let's see james this is a just like a very simple kind of science question.

Yeah.

If you eat bolognese, if you go home after this, you eat bolognese.

Yeah.

And then

10 hours later, right?

That's the normal digestive cycle.

You shit.

Do you look into the toilet and say, that's bolognese?

I'm going to eat it again.

Well, I wouldn't say I'm going to eat it again.

I wouldn't say, I mean, you say shit mixed with bolognese or bolognese shit.

I wouldn't say I'm going to eat it again, but I might be like, I've got the bolognese shits.

Not after 10 hours, though.

That would have to be like within an hour or two, I think, for you to look in and go, that's bolognese.

I've got the bolognese.

It's not even a visual thing for me.

It's like, sometimes you just feel it.

You know what it is that you ate that's making you shit.

But usually if you're getting shits that fast after eating something irritating, you're not shitting that thing.

You're shitting the other stuff that was in there that's getting...

Yeah.

Which I was once told by a goddamn hotel receptionist.

What?

I tried to complain that the breakfast that I'd eaten had given me the shits.

And

she was like, that couldn't have been.

Because when did you have the breakfast?

And I was like, like an hour ago, I'd have shat everywhere.

And she was like, she was like, that couldn't have been the breakfast.

I was like, it would definitely.

I ate the breakfast and then I went to my hotel room and I just did shits everywhere.

And it's all covered in shit.

And she was like, she googled it in front of me on the computer.

And then she said to me, there you go.

That shows it couldn't have been the breakfast.

It takes this long to affect you.

If you get food poisoning from something, it couldn't have been that breakfast that we gave you.

We're not apologizing for nothing.

And then I had to go to the next leg of my tour.

And when you say you shit, there was shit everywhere.

Was that, did you like diarrhea and it ended up on the floor or something?

It ended up on the robe that I was wearing.

What?

I was relaxing.

I ate the breakfast, went back to my hotel, had a shower, put a robe on, sat down to do emails, shattered the robe big time.

After your shower.

Yeah, after the shower is the worst.

Yeah.

I just soaked the robe in the sink.

Apologies to that.

The fact that you then, the level of confidence you must have had to shit in a hotel robe yes and then call reception and say your breakfast just made me do a shit in your robe well listen oh yeah i knew they were going to see that i tried to clear up the evidence i tried to i was like no so i was like and i was angry about it right what i would do is i would take that robe with me and then i'd pay them i'd pay for the robe yeah yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't call reception and admit i just done a shit in the robe that is i didn't call reception i'd said it to their face when i was leaving sometimes the robes, though, are like $300.

And then it's like, you're going to, it's like,

I would want to then, because I wouldn't want, just because there's shit on it, I wouldn't want to throw it away if I was really going to take that hit.

I would then be like, okay, I'm going to keep the rope, but I got to wash it.

But then, if you put a shit robe in your luggage,

the smell will get into the rest.

And I say this as someone who has shit in underwear.

Yeah.

And been like, I was like, I guess I'm going to travel with it.

And I put it it in a bag.

Guess what?

It gets through the bag.

It gets through the bag.

And it makes your other clothes smell like poop.

This was a really long time ago.

Yeah, yeah.

This is recent.

This was maybe like

ages ago.

Yeah, mine was about a month

from today.

I would just say, even if

the road was $300,

I think I'm willing to spend that so I don't get into a situation where a hotel receptionist is googling how long does it take for something to make you shit yourself.

Well, and then showing me the results.

And also the kind of like,

I don't know, that's kind of like litigation or something.

Like the skill to be like, actually,

science says here on the screen, like

she's probably had people.

do that before.

Yeah, that can't have been the first time that the breakfast has made someone shit themselves.

That's what it felt like.

It felt like she was like, I've been here many times before you're not going to win this it feels like maybe the bacteria was just like sitting in your gut and as soon as food touched it inflamed it yeah so it probably was the food but maybe it was the food from the night before that's just like yeah how sometimes you'll like not if you're sick in with like a stomach flu or something and you won't have to puke or like get you don't get that like weird nauseous feeling until you actually try and eat something yeah that's what it felt did you did you tell them about the robe no no i was like they'll find out and

was there any blowback from that?

No, they didn't follow up and go, hey, I found that robe in the sink soaking in the sink.

Don't you think we don't know what you did?

They didn't do that.

I don't know exactly what hotel it was.

I'd know the hotel if I saw it.

Yes, of course.

And they'd know you if they saw you.

I think actually I was already at the point in my career where she did know me,

unfortunately.

And you went down and you were like, ah, shit.

Yeah.

And what did you want to, what did you, in your head, what did you do?

Yeah, you know, at the time, I guess I thought they might take the breakfast off the bill.

But

I don't know why I wanted that.

I don't know why I thought that was a fair trade.

That was worth my dignity.

Was this when you were going through a tricky time?

When I'm not.

You know, yeah.

I was definitely on tour.

So yeah, I was at my wit's end.

You know, it really, it's tour, I think, is destabilizing.

A lot of stuff.

It throws your whole body out of whack, mind, body, soul.

It's okay.

And maybe she saw that.

Maybe she was like, it's not the breakfast.

It's the tour.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She could have googled my tour dates and just shown me those and gone.

Yeah.

These are too close together.

Yeah.

This kind of geographically doesn't make sense.

Yeah.

Go through that list and tick every time you've done a horrible shit.

It's every day.

So just to be clear, though.

No.

The bolognese is shit mixed into the sauce.

That's not your main, right?

That's not your main course, right?

The shit bolognese.

Oh, that's a second starter.

That was supposed to be my main.

Are we going with the congee or do you want to go with the shit bolognese with tampons sticking out?

Well,

I don't actually want to eat that.

And that's not my dream restaurant because

there's maybe 1% of me that would fear that there's some karmic justice to be had, that if I were to go to some sort of

hell adjacent,

like plain,

not like secular, not affiliated with any religion, that kind of like

is essentially amasses information from your life into this space.

And somehow this information gets in where it's like, ha ha ha, bitch, you thought it was so funny.

to go on those really nice people's podcasts and be such a total like emotionally deformed cunt

and

not take it seriously and now you get to eat the tampon ragu sorry i keep switching it's not that bolognese

i can't pick i would say maybe then i would go to a congee maybe yeah yeah yeah

because it's the dream restaurant we could do the chicken bone like and no chickens got killed but it's like a silicone it's like a chicken that is 3d printed yeah it's 3d it's like the meat is is not yeah it's like when how they've like farmed meat in petri dishes yeah and you can't tell the difference it tastes exactly as good but no chickens get harmed at all not at all yeah it's a 3d printed chicken yeah 3d printed chicken can you imagine a world where long after we are dead and gone and like in the road and there's a robot kind of dystopian thing and then robots there's kind of like robots and androids and they start eating other robots as food and they make like essentially like a kanji out of other like animal sort of robots.

And like what that world is like, it's like, where do you think they're getting the flavor from?

The metal?

Like if you, can you imagine one of those like DARPA dogs or those Boston dynamic dogs and just kind of like throwing chunks of that in a pot.

What do you think the flavor would be?

Yeah, Ed, what do you think the flavor would be?

Well, I guess, but if they're, if a robot is eating a robot, I guess the robot is trained to enjoy certain flavors.

So they might like metal they might like the taste of metal but also just to go back to the 3d printed chicken do you mean just 3d printed chunks of meat because I'll be honest when you said it my first thought was 3d print an entire live chicken then kill the chicken and put it in the pot

yeah

I was imagining how they are able to make meat cells They're like in a dish and they just grow the meat and it's not technically alive because, but it is like biomatter and it's got the right texture and stuff like that yeah if they could like replicate it's like a vegan

meat cell but it's like essentially chicken cells yeah that would then you could boil and get that marrow

etc and meat flavor i think we can do that for you

absolutely it'd be my pleasure and we wouldn't have to get any sort of like dodgy investors involved who have the money to kind of back that kind of science or anything like that.

no like ghillain maxwell adjacent

she doesn't have to be involved you've had everyone on this podcast she's chipping on the podcast she's episode two yeah yeah yeah yeah was she was she like macaroni

every every

macaroni

Your dream side dish.

Probably little fingerling potatoes.

Yeah.

And garlic.

it's a great potato yeah mingling yeah really crispy like when they're anything that's like crisp i don't like when it's mushy inside i like when it's pre-fried yeah yeah to like essentially a french fry or something but not the crunch i like the crunch i like when it's like yeah where the skin is just like flaking off and it's burnt yeah

but not like again super like the person cooking it lifted the thing and got like blasted with superheated air yeah and inhaled it that's what you want to imagine i don't want that to happen to the person who's making it i hope they have a

very normal time when they make it yeah i haven't wished that on anybody in my whole life what if they were the best potatoes you've ever had in your life but the the person who brings them out to you their face is like gone bright red yeah right

is it bright red because of a burn it's not just making the pot up and all the heat yeah in the face it's not they're they're so proud they're almost blushing because they're such good potatoes it's because

they've really burnt themselves and they come out with a pot and you're like, oh my God, are you okay?

But then you eat your potato and you're like, I think that might have been worth it.

I just don't know why they are serving the potatoes.

I guess.

In this restaurant,

it's like the chef or the chef des cuisine or the line cook is bringing out the food and you were doing it like this, like they're holding the pot.

Yeah, too.

With bare hands.

With bare hands.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was that that Canadian PSA of the woman with the boiling water?

What?

You've seen it.

You had to have seen it.

I'm not sure I have seen it.

There's that really famous like Canadian series of Canadian safety PSAs where they, they're really, really graphic.

Like, and it's the woman and she's like in the, she's, I think she's like a line cook.

She's in a kitchen and she's narrating what's about to happen.

And she's like,

So unfortunately for me, like I don't see that there's a big oil, like spot of oil on the floor that I should have cleaned up, but I've been rushing around, blah, blah, blah.

And she picks up this like giant pot of boiling water and she slips on it.

And then it like scalds her and she's like lets out this blood curdling, blood curdling scream and gets in like the last shot of the is of the PSA is like a flash of her like scolded face and like her skin is like boiling.

So do you want her to bring you the potatoes?

If she did, I would be starstruck.

Yeah.

i would oh so a crazy thing is i posted that clip

and the actor who and this was a while ago and this is why i'm the unreliable narrator but she either commented on the post or she liked it right the boiled woman

and it but it is the thing is is like it's an incredible performance yeah like it is so disturbing to watch there's like another one where a woman's like hanging something on a ladder in a store and she's like i should have made sure the base of the ladder was locked but i was too busy and then she climbs and she's like going she's like and this is an old ladder we should have had the store replace it but or something like that and then she falls off the ladder and goes through a glass table and she stands up and there's all this like glass through her face

i mean i mean the creepiest thing obviously the injuries are horrific but it is the the

beforehand yeah that it's not happened yet they can still stop it yeah and they say they're basically just going well this is what's about to happen to me, and I'm going to do it.

That's really eerie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is, it's freaky.

They must have commented on it, not liked it for you to know it was them.

If they just liked it and you figured out it was them.

Because someone, I think, tagged them

in it, like rehearsing, like, no, because I think she's like an established actor in Canada and probably beyond.

I don't really know a lot of actors

by name.

No.

But,

well, that's not your Julie Roberts.

Was it Julia Julia Roberts?

That would be amazing, wouldn't it?

She's a stunning actress.

Great head of hair, incredible lips, incredible style, and her own unique acting style.

But that's not what this podcast is about, is it?

It can be about Julia Roberts if you want it to be.

Would you have her on?

Yeah.

I would personally.

Yeah, I can't go.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Did we even get your side dish?

Yeah.

Fingling potatoes.

Fingling potatoes.

It was kind of my only answer that was real.

Yeah.

That's the one thing that

you don't really seem to give a shit about.

Tired of spills and stains on your sofa?

WashableSofas.com has your back, featuring the Anibay Collection, the only designer sofa that's machine-washable inside and out, where designer quality meets budget-friendly prices.

That's right, sofas started just $699.

Enjoy a no-risk experience with pet-friendly, stain-resistant, and changeable slip covers made with performance fabrics.

Experience cloud-like comfort with high-resilience high-resilience foam that's hypoallergenic and never needs fluffing.

The sturdy steel frame ensures longevity, and the modular pieces can be rearranged anytime.

Check out washable sofas.com and get up to 60% off your Anabay sofa, backed by a 30-day satisfaction guarantee.

If you're not absolutely in love, send it back for a full refund.

No return shipping or restocking fees.

Every penny back.

Upgrade now at washablesofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com

Your dream drink.

And just so you know, this is where in my head I've got the secret ingredient.

Oh, okay.

Still water.

Oh.

I'm kidding.

I'm sorry, I'm feeling...

so laughy and i'm making a joke and i was making a joke uh today

and um i would say my dream and is this a cocktail or is this just like a glass of milk whatever you want it can be a glass of milk do you i suspect you don't want a glass of milk because you you look really angry when you even said glass of milk there well when i was a kid one of my favorite flavor combinations was like spaghetti bolognese like red sauce with like a glass of whole milk yeah i think just because it's like essentially creating the flavor combination that like a red sauce pasta with like ricotta cheese or something.

It's like filling in that space.

Which means ricotta cheese maybe.

Joe Thomas.

Yeah.

Do what?

Do you know Joe Thomas?

No, I don't think so.

He's an actor.

He's in the in-between us and he used to make spaghetti bolognese and pour in cream.

Okay.

Into the into the bolognese.

It's like a vodka

sauce because of that.

Well, yeah,

you like whole milk and bolognese.

So you maybe if you hung out with Joe Thomas, he could make.

make it.

Most when I was a kid.

Well.

So maybe if would he hang out with me when I was a kid?

Yeah.

He would hang out with you when you were a kid.

And also, you've got your inner child knocking about still.

Is that why my...

So I'm closing my eyes.

I'm imagining, is my inner child on a cot locked in his house

waiting for the...

Creamy, creamy bolognese.

Yeah, yeah.

That's exactly what's happening.

And genuinely, the thing about Joe Thomas is I think he's always thinking about his inner child because his eyes are shut through most of the conversation I'll have with him.

Why is that?

He's an odd guy.

He just does it.

When he talks, he just kind of closes his eyes.

Yeah.

And he looks very stressed.

I kind of like that.

It seems like that's, it's like a focus, a centering thing.

No?

Yeah, I don't think he's doing it for that reason.

I don't think he's centering himself.

He's just panicking.

Oh, sometimes I feel like people close their eyes because they're pushing one out.

Do you think when people close their eyes, when you're talking to them, they're pushing one out?

And to clarify, I'm talking about shit.

I'm not talking about come I think he's like pushing a one out I don't think anyone thought that when you use the phrase push one out that you were talking about come because what that phrase wouldn't make sense at all I thought you were about to like clarify

yeah I really I appreciate it there was no misunderstanding well there are sometimes you have to you have to agree that in in the Queen's English and in American English there are these there are slight differences in kind of like the euphemisms and phrases you said I threw a bear up a tree.

Yeah.

We would just say in a tree.

Right, yes.

You know, that's kind of a beautiful difference.

So in America.

There's a cultural exchange happening.

So in America, you know, you say rub one out.

Yes.

To mean

a cum

wad, a load of it.

And so I was like, maybe,

maybe there's a world where I say.

He's closing his eyes to push one out.

And one could exist in the same space as come in the queen's English.

The king's English now?

Yeah, maybe it is now the king's English.

So maybe he's because she can't talk anymore because she's dead.

Maybe.

What if she dead?

Huh?

What if she dead?

Wouldn't that be scary?

What if I'm in here?

She's in the lamp.

Oh, man.

That would be scary if I go back in the lamp at the end of this episode, the queen's there.

Did we settle on whole milk, by the way?

No, that was a joke.

Yeah.

I would say some sort of Bloody Mary.

Yeah.

Woo!

I love love the, I love the again, tomato sauce, anything savory

with like a bunch of uh, not like too much.

You know, how sometimes they're they'll be like, We're putting a whole fucking hoagie on the toothpick.

That that I'm like, that's a little too much for me.

So, but something fun on the toothpick, but what, yeah.

So, what is the right balance here of stuff?

So, how spicy do you want it?

I would say spicy, but not nose-runny spicy.

Uh-huh.

I don't like that feeling.

I don't like sniffling like

because eating food and then when you're like trying to wipe your nose, it just feels like it inevitably gets in the food that you're eating.

Yes, you don't want snot in the food, even though earlier you nearly ordered a bolognese full of shit.

I'm just checking.

I think those two things can exist.

Yeah.

I think I can like not want to, I think I can eat shit and tampons and still think snot is gross.

Yeah.

Do you think, oh, because i eat like a shit bolognese that ooh yummy i'm gonna eat boogers yeah that's so fucking gross that's too much gross stuff sorry yeah patty's here is our guest james and you've actually been quite confrontational throughout this whole episode i do i i acknowledge that yeah thank you did you see earlier when he it's just gonna get cut out of the podcast anyway so they'll edit it out but i was like physically attacked yeah i saw i saw Yeah.

He, when I walked in, I thought he was going in for a hug, picked me up on my neck.

Yeah.

And he said, ah, he shook me and all my money came out of my pocket.

Yeah.

And I, and I was like, oh my God, I'm being robbed.

And he's like, I don't care about that fucking money.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is what happened.

Yeah.

And then you walked in.

Yeah.

And then he was like, oh, hey,

did you see Kevin Spacey news?

What's the deal with those submarine people?

Yeah, yeah.

I talked about it.

It was a good plot.

It was a good match.

Yeah.

A note to cut it all out.

The robbery's staging.

The robbery?

Yeah, yeah, that's what's staying.

Okay.

I also want to know what else, what accoutrement you do want in.

Yeah, what's on the toothpick?

Well, there's got to be pickles of some sort.

I like the little onions.

I like the pickled onions.

I like, I really, not in any other capacity do I really like cornichons, but I don't like sweet pickles.

I think that's gross.

But I would do

like maybe a toothpick that is around

30 inches long.

I don't know how you measure that out here.

Like

900 centimeters.

Yeah.

900 stone.

And there would probably be like 30 cornichons on it.

There'd be 20 little bald pickled onions.

There would be some lab-grown shrimp.

There'd be a bunch of like shrimp cocktail.

There'd be a little...

dish that pops out and it has cocktail sauce on it.

And then underneath it, there would be a little clip that holds your phone.

So you can be on your phone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then under that, there will be four to five more of the bulb onion pickle.

Yeah.

And then for ice, it'll be french fries.

I'm kidding.

I don't want that.

That sounds gross.

I don't mind.

I may have just said that.

If someone said, do you want French fries in your Bloody Mary?

I think I would say yes.

I actually don't, it's French fries.

It's ketchup.

That

thing.

They would go soggy, though, wouldn't they?

Yeah, but i think it's something that you at least say yes to the first time yeah you try it well what if they did curly fries around the rim of a glass of shrimp around the rim of like a cocktail thing and it's curly fries and then it's like a thicker base for the bloody mary that it could it functions because if you put a bloody mary if a glass on a table and you're with friends they're not going to be there long enough to be soggy people will go after curly fries so fast yeah yeah that's true.

Yeah.

I'm really into that idea.

I love it.

Yeah.

No, the way you said it sounded like you just want to get shit over with.

No, I'm thinking about it.

You said, I really like that.

No,

I was somewhere else in my head.

And then you fucking kicked me under the table.

Yeah.

I'm kidding.

Really hard.

No.

What I'm thinking is there's some Bloody Mary mix in the fridge here.

last time I was in and I'm hoping it's still in there now because you've made me want to drink it.

No, I'm thinking about pickles because I was just thinking, went to a really nice place in LA, like a pickle stall, and they did a pickle tasting plate.

What was the pickle store in L.A.?

Do you remember?

I don't remember what it was called.

I'm going to find out.

It was

in that market, that indoor market.

You live in L.A.

You've never seen a pickle store, have you?

Is Making It Up?

Are you making it up?

You've never seen the pickle store.

No, but I believe it would be there because there are really specific stores.

How long you live there for?

Like four and a half years.

So you not think you would have seen the pickle store if there was one?

But I moved there.

Well, there was a year where I was essentially bicoastal between New York and L.A.

And that year I've kind of blacked out for trauma, but because a lot of stuff happened to me.

I think maybe it was at a store where they sold,

I think.

Oh, it was pickles.

Yeah, I got attacked a bunch at this store and then I just

haven't gone back.

Your dream desserts?

Um, I love savory stuff.

So I like when they do sweet stuff, that stuff that's supposed to be be sweet and then it ends up being more savory because

the food just keeps on coming.

It feels like dinner just keeps on going.

So I would say some sort of savory cake that looks like it's going to be a slice of red velvet cake.

And then you

cut into it and you're like, holy crap, that is

a meatloaf.

Now, this is probably James' worst nightmare, I think.

Now, why is that?

I'm trying to compute how I feel about it.

Yeah.

It's weird.

So it's like the opposite of like, you know, that trend of like, is it cake?

And people cut into things that you think aren't cake and it turns out they're cake.

This is like the opposite, right?

This is something you think is cake and it's actually not cake.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's meatloaf.

It's been a much harder TV show actually.

Yeah.

Because they all look exactly like cakes.

And it's called is it cake?

And actually they're all savory dishes, but they visually you wouldn't be able to tell.

All like objects.

You cut on them and they're like a table.

Yeah, yeah, it's a table.

And someone's like cutting into it.

And one of the hosts of the show is like crying.

They're like,

okay, what's up?

And they're like, that's not cake.

That's my niece.

And then they cut to it and they're cake.

Everyone's like,

like a tooth.

You see, like a tooth.

Yeah.

That poor guy from SNL.

Yeah, the one, I don't know his name.

One of David S.

Pumpkins backup dancers.

That's what I know him as.

Oh, Mikey Day.

Yeah.

Mikey Day.

He's dancing.

He dances for David S.

Pumpkins.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's the one who cuts into the cake.

Oh, yeah.

I think I saw like a funny infographic someone made as a joke that was like,

and I, and I won't talk about it anymore.

I see a lot of infographics

in my algorithm that just don't feel like they, I should occupy space talking about this here.

I also watch, my algorithm is kind of bad right now.

Yeah.

Why?

I had a, it kind of an anxiety, a really anxious.

couple of weeks and I went to an anxiety spiral and I started looking up a lot of stuff about just like animal attack fatal animal attack statistics so then a lot of my feed now is still cluttered with like videos of like animal attacks and stuff that's the really unfortunate part yeah yeah yeah I'm getting a lot of

real police interview footage at the moment what do you mean like YouTube videos of like it's normally America like from interrogation rooms oh of like this murderer thought he was gonna get away with it but he really dropped himself in it that sort of stuff.

So you like to watch the ones where the cops win.

Of course he does.

Well, yeah, because they're not going to put the videos on of this murderer got away with it.

Because

then the murderer wouldn't have got away with it if they know that.

So the cops win in all those videos because if the cops didn't win, it wouldn't be a very good video, would it?

Well, I've seen them.

I've watched videos where it's like, watch this suspected criminal absolutely serve.

oh yeah like run rings around this yeah oh yeah dumb that sounds good yeah it does happen and those kind of feel nice yeah i've seen those where they like break it down going this is the right thing to do because he's not saying anything

but those videos aren't very exciting when they don't say anything do they do interrogation rooms like that here because you don't the police don't carry guns right yeah i think

i've seen some british footage from interrogation rooms but yeah

i'm just saying that's my algorithm at the moment

went to uh cross my legs and i smacked money on the the desk.

It really hurts.

So James would be terrible in an interrogation.

I gotta, I'll tell you right now, I have one, I have a really crazy bruise on my knee.

Yeah.

You see it?

Yeah.

That doesn't look that bad.

I scratched my leg when I put it.

I'm gonna say, no, that is absolutely.

I will say I haven't looked at it today and it was kind of crazier two days ago.

Yeah, that's gone.

Yeah, that's that bruise has gone.

It just faded and you just showed us your knee and pointed at it.

Am I pay?

I'm not paid to be here.

Yeah, I think you will be.

Yeah.

You get paid.

How much?

For what just happened to you.

Yeah.

I get paid a lot of money in America.

Yeah, yeah.

How much do you get for Think You Should Leave?

How much do you get for that?

So the first season,

I was just in the one sketch.

So I made $900,000.

The second season, because I was in two sketches, I got around $45 million.

And they paid for my full body surgery.

And

it kind of wasn't an option, I'll be honest.

They were like, you're getting full.

And I was like, if you're paying for it, great.

And they said, we are.

I was like, well, awesome.

Cause that kind of, that doesn't happen a lot.

Yeah.

And then the third season, I got a seat on that submarine and I didn't end up going, which

good thing, right?

But yeah.

But now

it's just like, I haven't been paid.

So that's why I'm striking.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm striking.

Can we support you, just so you know?

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Oh, it's written down.

You would like sparkling water.

You want sourdough outsides.

Starter, spaghetti with red sauce.

Main, 3D printed chicken congee.

Side dish, swingling potatoes with garlic.

Drink Bloody Mary with a 30-inch

skewer.

Skewer.

Pickle skewer.

Cornichons, pickled onions, lab-grown shrimp, cocktail sauce, curly fries, holder for your phone.

Dessert, meat life that looks like red velvet cake.

Can I change the dessert?

Yeah.

yeah.

It's gonna be tapioca, but when this the server comes out, they do a Donald Trump impression.

They go, you're fired.

And they just give you the tapioca.

You're fired.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got it.

Perfect.

To the best of their ability.

Thank you for coming to the dream restaurant, Patty.

Thank you, Patty.

Thank you.

Thank you both.

Thank you so much to Patty for coming into the dream restaurant.

I'll tell you what, very close to a cup of dog shit.

Very close.

That main course.

But she didn't pick the shit with tampons in it.

Didn't even pick the shit with tampons in it.

But, you know, it could have been a cup of dog shit around the corner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks for not picking it, Patty.

It was nice to have you in.

Thank you.

It was lovely to have Patty in.

I absolutely love Patty Harrison.

Yeah, it was a great episode.

Couldn't stop laughing that episode.

So apologies to listener if it was just me laughing into my mic the whole time.

No, I love that.

Yep.

Benito was doing his little giggles as well.

Yeah, he had a really nice day, actually, Benito.

I thought he was kicking his legs around like a little boy on a wall.

He was.

He was loving it on his little wall.

Yes.

So congratulations to Benito.

Do go and see Patty live if you get the chance.

Check out her website, social media, all of that sort of stuff.

And watch Shrill.

Watch, I think you should leave.

Watch anything she's in.

Yeah, and send Patty some nice videos so that her algorithm changes.

Yes.

As well.

That'd be quite generous.

That would be very generous.

I'm on tour, James.

I'm doing my show Hot Diggity Dog all over the UK.

I forget it's called that.

Going all over the UK, apart from to the bits that I'm not going to and I'm sorry about that.

Well you're not though.

No I'm not.

You know what?

Booking a tour is really hard because you've got to get the right venue on the right day and sometimes you just can't do that.

Sometimes you can't do that.

Sometimes you don't want to go to their stinking towns.

No, I don't.

I would go to any stinking town where

people would come, to be honest.

But I'm not.

Also, I'm not going to go from like Cornwall to Scotland.

So if the routing doesn't work out,

sorry.

Sorry, but

I'll try another time.

I will.

You should move closer to Scotland.

Yes, if you live in Cornwall.

Yes.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again sometime soon.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

At Certopro Painters, we know that a happy place comes in many colors, like ones that inspire a sense of wonder or a new flavor that makes life just a little bit sweeter, or one to celebrate those moments that lift you to new heights at home or at work.

We'll make your happy place your own.

Certipro Painters.

That's Painting Happy.

Each Certipro Painters business is independently owned and operated.

Contractor license and registration information is available at certipro.com.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah.

Go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims.

And he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.