Ep 248: Huge Davies

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are in this economy.

next time, check Lyft.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the grated cheese of humor, putting it onto the plate of the internet, sticking it under the grill of chat.

Cheese on a plate.

Charlotte Church.

Charlotte Church, cheese on a plate.

Shout out.

Shout out.

That is their gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

We own a dream restaurant.

We invite a guest in every single week and ask them their favorite ever start of main course dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Hugh Davies.

Davies.

Davies.

Huge Davies.

Brilliant comic.

Does

musical stuff on stage as well.

So there's some of my favorite comedy songs ever.

Yes.

I love it.

The dry wit of this boy.

Very dry boy.

But yeah, his musical comedy comedy is my favorite sort of musical comedy because it's it's perfectly intertwined with the stand-up it just feels like a proper good stand-up performance yeah like the closest person i can think of is like is bill bailey yeah who does like amazing stand-up and is very proficient it all flows into the songs which then flows into the next routine Fantastic stuff.

Really good stuff.

Not sure what Hugh's eating habits are.

No.

What he likes to eat.

So very excited to hear.

Get some answers to our questions.

He has a a poddy he has a poddy to be fair slime country uh that he does with Ed Knight and Sunil Patel yep and he also does the film quiz podcast with Nick Helm as well so do listen to that yes look we will kick him out though if there's a secret ingredient which we've decided upon now yes if he says a secret ingredient we're kicking him out and the secret ingredient this week is

cubed fetter pre-cubed fetter pre-cubed fetter this of course comes from our chat with Florence Pugh that we had yep where we laid into pre-cubed feta.

Yeah, the two of you hated it.

I didn't know you could get feta in any other form.

Yes.

But you know, really glad when stuff comes up on the pod in the chats now, when a guest says they really hate something because we can use that as a sequence in the future.

It's a good ingredient.

Exactly.

It's very important.

So I guess, you know, if he says pre-cubed fetter, do we get Florence Pugh to kick him out?

I think so.

We'll get Pugh in.

Yeah.

She can kick out Huge.

Yeah.

No.

And then take over his episode.

Yeah.

And then she gets another meal.

Absolutely fine.

Without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of huge davies

welcome huge to the dream restaurant good evening huge

huge davies oh ah i want to know whoa whoa whoa what food do you like Now, you've not actually come out the lamp yet, so...

Is that the way the genie comes out in this one?

What?

What the dream restaurant is Huge Davies?

It's better to do for some time.

Okay, goodness.

What's the genie look like?

However you want me to look like.

It's your dream.

It's your dream.

Right.

You don't want to know what I want the genie to look like.

I do.

I think I do, definitely.

Kind of like

loads of too many arms, like a spider.

So eight arms?

No, like like three spiders altogether.

Like like maybe like, what, 32 legs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great.

32 legs.

Big mouth as large as the spider's body.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Horrible.

Really greasy, too.

Yeah.

It's like dripping for the grease.

Like a jet black, but there's sort of like pink in there.

You can't tell it's flesh or

the colouring.

Can you see pink in the mouth?

No, the mouth is also black as night.

Yeah, it's a void.

It's almost hypnotized.

You look into it and you're like, it's like looking into forever.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the genie says,

I can't even speak English.

I can't even make out what it is.

It's just like it's like a rough wind.

Yeah.

So it's sort of like a sort of Pennywise's real form.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's why I want.

Yeah.

Am I wearing any clothing?

What, the spider?

Don't be mad.

What clothing are you finding for

eight arms and 32 legs?

I guess stuff that has eight arms and 32 legs.

Not off the rack.

It's not off the rack, mate.

No, probably not off the rack, actually.

Peeps TK Max?

They've got loads of that.

Yeah, they do, actually.

You've got to go to the back of TK Max and they've got all that stuff.

Well, I mean, it's a disturbing beginning.

Yes.

Yeah.

it's it's not often this early in the podcast where someone says when you're looking into the mouth it feels like you're looking into forever yeah yeah it's a disturbing podcast man people don't know it's not been filmed is it yes yes okay well

well you don't you don't if you're listening you won't believe what it looks like in here but it's crazy you do the the podcast studios and like um it's in the top of a warehouse like an office and the the podcast is a big window here and we're like looking out over the warehouse yeah there's just loads of kids in there making off-menu merch yeah and then

all of them look like Benito.

They're all clones.

They're all little clones.

In the breaks, Acaster goes down and screams at them.

He disciplines them in my spider form.

Like Mrs.

Tweedy and Chicken Run.

It's pretty massive.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, one or the other.

Spider form or Mrs.

Tweedy and Chicken Run.

It's a horrible amount.

Yeah, yeah.

It's really screaming.

Yeah.

I can't hear it through.

So it's good merch.

Check it out on the website.

Yeah, check it out on the website actually, all the merch.

Yeah.

Do you have merch?

Yeah.

Okay.

Just know that it's made by small children.

Yeah.

Maybe we saw it.

Is it sold out?

I don't know.

We'll check in the middle.

We go down into the other person's kids again.

Yeah.

I'm one of the kids.

I break free.

This is a bit like the hunger games.

I won, and I get to go on the pod.

You're Katness.

I'm Catness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the only thing I know about Hunger Games.

I love Hunger Games.

Yeah?

You love the Hunger Games.

I love that.

This podcast could have been called Hunger Games, actually.

It would have still made sense.

I love Hunger Games.

You couldn't have called it, though.

What?

You couldn't have called it that.

Why?

You'd have to explain every single episode.

Well, we have to explain off menu quite a lot because a lot of people say off the menu, yeah, because it does sound-I mean, we've already breached the genie and not got past that, yeah.

So, it's it is a strange one, yeah, yeah.

It's confusing, the whole thing's confusing.

I mean, we did it independently because we wouldn't have got this commissioned, no, no, we would have got this before.

Someone asked what the genie looks like.

Oh, never mind, yeah, huge has got some sketches, you know, to show you for ideas about that genie.

No, me, are you a foodie huge?

Yeah, I love food.

I make, I'm, I do, I got quite foodie during lockdown because I lived alone for like a long time and then basically as a comedian based all I was doing I was basically every day I would get up and I would sort of delete the things out of my calendar and then I'd get the check my emails see what they'd cancelled inevitably then I'd delete them off my calendar and then I'd have the whole day

basically so I ended up making like so much like food like a ridge like I tried to make so much food so then the next day I'd have something to clean up oh so you were basically giving yourself a chore for yeah so a job.

Yeah.

So clean, clean, stuff from yesterday.

No dishwasher.

I had a dishwasher.

I'm not doing that because then it's just deleting events off your calendar.

Even more.

Yeah.

I've never, I don't think we've ever had anyone on the podcast who cooks in order to clean.

No, but also I'm worried about the next day.

So you're cooking one day, eating the food, and then you've got the cleaning up the next day.

Are you then cooking on the same day as the cleaning or were you only eating every other day?

Yeah, so I'll take, what I'll do is I'll clean in the morning, have a nice long four-hour break,

start cooking again.

In order to then clean the bag.

What sort of food were you making?

What was uh, was it specifically dirty food or things that crusted

stuff that I thought I couldn't do.

I think I like I made dumplings from scratch, which was like I don't know if I could do that, but it was really it was really good.

I did it, I made and also each time I'm obviously making way too much because you can't just cook for a portion for one person.

No, no, no, interestingly, I would have lunch every so that was I'd have um

I'd have my meals with a spider, actually.

interestingly so like I there was a spider that started making a web on the on the table yeah and I initially it was like let's get rid of that yeah but I was like if the spider goes then there won't there won't be anyone else Jesus Christ

so I had lunch with a spider every day Simon no sorry sorry Dennis Simon was a different thing what was Simon what was Simon the button that squashed he drew a face no that was Lloyd hang on what huge uh in lockdown got so lonely that he drew a face on a button that squashed like Wilson and he called it Lloyd and he hung out with it all the time and he pushed it around with a in a pram

in a pram yeah in a pram what outside outside of your house yeah we can get away with it well I was saying you know you can get away with anything if you put it in a pram

I really don't think that's true no you can go to the panel you're less likely to get away with it if you put it and see someone with a pram walk on the pram yeah look at it yeah right it could be anything if the dog if like a dog's in there you're like that's fine yeah fine if you saw someone with a squash in there you'd be like that's like that's fine leave leave that person alone don't worry about a face drawn on it yeah i would oh

there's something very different between saying you're getting away with it and no one wants to talk to you because you look mad yeah yeah also you'll say they're going that's fine leave that person alone yeah i believe they will definitely think leave that person alone i don't think they're thinking that's fine i think they're thinking i'm going nowhere near that person leave them alone they're pushing a button at squash around in a pram i'm asking a lot of questions about this it worked it it it helped you yeah it did help me through man yeah i know so where's lloyd now and obviously we're out and about again now i buried him in the park.

You're joking.

No, I took my niece to learn about death.

I can show you photos of it, yeah.

It took your niece to learn about death.

Yeah,

she was loving it, though.

Yeah, she was digging that hole like it was Christmas morning.

How old's your niece?

She was at the time, she was about two and a half years old.

Right, so livid that someone else is in the pram, but I live.

You got a warp, took the name.

You got a warp because Lloyd's going in the pram, but you can have a lift back.

Get out of the pram, it's a goddamn funeral.

Use your legs.

Lloyd is dead as well.

Yeah.

Getting to ride in the pram.

Yeah, we all.

Was Lloyd dead when you buried him?

Yeah, he had a sort of what we called was at the time,

he was rotting.

Medically, what's what you say?

If you keep a squash for three months, it rots.

Yeah,

I couldn't do that, man.

If I'd drawn a face on something, I couldn't bury it.

Well, so that's the thing.

I didn't draw on the face.

I initially didn't draw the face on for a friend.

I drew it on because it was so big, I thought it would be comical to, and when you're living alone, you've got to drew the face on it.

For a laugh.

Yeah, put a nappy on it for a laugh.

I forgot that detail.

so you were living alone yeah why you got um a pram and nappies in your house

such a good question such a good question that i hadn't even thought to ask because the rest of it is so weird anyway so i was staying at my my brother's house who has who has children yeah he he he like moved to his like

his mother-in-law's house because they have a bigger house and they have a dog and two kids.

He was like, I need someone to walk the plants.

I said I'd live there.

I did kill all the plants.

Every single one, including the ones they kept from their marriage.

They were like furious.

They were absolutely furious.

And then even more furious when they're like, I cannot believe you spent so much time.

Because the squash was there when they were there too.

Yeah.

That's why we went to the park.

Okay.

Because

I didn't want to go alone.

Yeah.

You know?

So your responsibility was to water the plants.

You didn't do it?

No, I killed every single one of them.

Every single one.

I have like, honestly, I have like over 50.

And instead, you were hanging out with a button squash.

Raising a squash, I'd say.

I wouldn't say hanging out with a squash.

I'm not.

And the spider was in the same house.

Spider, yeah.

Yeah, we all had lunch.

We got dinner together.

We had dinner together, eating dumplings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The dumplings are.

You sit around dumplings on three separate plates.

So

Lloyd's got a nappy on, a face on it, and you're pushing it around in a pram.

Yeah.

Then it starts rotting.

Put the squash to bed, too.

There's photos of that.

You put it into bed.

Well, it's got...

Leave it and,

you know,

leave it alone.

You can.

Yeah.

What will happen the spider's gonna eat it get tired the next day yeah

you can't have that you can't have the button squash whining yeah that's true i feel like this always like comes up but it's not it's you know what it's just lockdown man like no it's normal no no one else i know did it can you eat butternut squash now or is it like you can't do it because you had it i actually haven't you know what i actually haven't had it since yeah i don't think i'm not it wasn't like i'd i actually haven't had any yeah do you think you could or do you just think of lloyd i don't think i could eat like if you liquefy it in a soup maybe, but I couldn't have a piece of it.

Yeah, you'd feel like

Lloyd's family.

Yeah.

I can't believe you brought up the death of my squash like that.

When this episode comes out, I'm sure people want pictures.

I will post the pictures if people want the pictures.

People want the pictures.

You can see it right from when I bought at the supermarket.

It was huge, this boy.

I saw this boy and I was like, you're mine.

Because I went initially to make a stock.

God, God, what a time.

As you can tell, I've not covered, like, recovered in terms of socially.

Yeah, so

fully.

I think it's better that you took photos.

I think it's less weird that you took photos.

If you'd done all that and not taken any photos.

Well, the photos initially were for a laugh.

And then I had the squash for three months.

Yeah.

Caring, caring for it.

You talked to it?

Yeah,

sure.

I mean, of course.

Would you take your sequence?

The Last of Us 2.

I would play through that and then discussing some of the after because

it's a hard, hard, hard playthrough.

Emotionally.

Yeah.

I wish The Last of Us TV show, instead of joel and ellie it was you and lloyd the squash

i'd watch that going around with the you're like

lloyd's immune

yeah he's a fucking squash

imagine he is

so we always start with still a sparkling water huge still are not mental you think i honestly think people have a sparkling water are insane yeah yeah what what about sparkling water do you think it just tastes like nothing and everything at the same same time oh yeah do you know what i mean you just want you want not you want nothing and everything just just just it's what have water have just have what is nice yeah tastes of absolutely nothing and this just just have just have water yeah i just don't understand i used to go out with somebody who had a one of those you know you make soda stream yeah soda stream there and she'd have like a bottle of it every day yeah she was quite nice but honestly i just liked her it really pushed me over the edge yeah you know like when we

can i just

your girlfriend i don't normally have to do this can i can i just check this was a human and not a courgette with eyelashes still stuck on it you'd kiss every night

i take her out of my motorcycle during the sidecar

holding hands in the park yeah

but yeah looping back to she was quite nice but every time it's more than my but i think quite nice she was quite nice

about even an ex girl who talks about them like that

surely there was a it's more that it's my phone fault because i asked to taste it every every time.

Because

you go can have some of that every single evening.

No, no, we're talking about yourself.

She was quite nice.

Not the side.

We get that you didn't like the fuzzy warmth.

No, I think she was.

She was really nice.

She was really nice.

It's more that the

soda stream, like, completely, I was like...

Was that like a, was that a red flag?

Could you tell that it wasn't going to last?

I can't sustain that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I couldn't.

Yeah.

I just couldn't.

So I just having flashbacks now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So even even if I was like I was like we could put some like we can put something else in there make a taste of something.

Yeah, she'd be like no I just want everything and nothing Yeah at the same time It's too much.

It's too much going on.

It's not a relaxing drink.

It's intense.

It is intense.

I do understand that but some people want that level of intensity, you know?

No, not for me mate.

Not for you.

Yeah.

If you had to choose a vegetable to be your girlfriend, what vegetable would you choose?

He's really thinking about it for the listener.

He's really thinking about this.

Well, ideally you want...

I'd say squash again because I did look up.

You can't do squash and huge.

Because

I actually looked up what vegetables last the longest without rotting.

So I knew that there was an entaloid.

I don't want a vegetable that rots within like a few weeks.

Even like a potato is going to go in like a month.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, you want the, I think...

barnet squash lasts the longest and ideally i'd like the longest relationship Yeah, I can get the longest, yeah, and the one that ages well.

Yeah, and also, yeah, it's also difficult to, you know, the squash is a lot to you have to get rid of, you have to really cut it up and get all the crap out of it and stuff.

Yeah, but you're not the vegetables.

I'm getting a new one.

You'll be the Leonardo DiCaprio

of vegetables.

That guy would say avocado.

No, because he.

Every day a new one.

When he comes on and he says avocado.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People are going to think you're really weird if your goldfed vegetable is also a squash after you had like a...

What, because it resembles the mother?

Because you had like a squash as like your son, was it, Lloyd?

Yeah.

And then you have a squash like goldfed later on.

They're going to think, oh, he's really got a thing with squashes.

Whereas if you have a mouth.

Oh, I have a type, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that makes sense because if the squash is your son.

Well, the mother must be a squash.

Yeah, it can't be like a tomato, can it?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I guess, yeah, okay.

So, this is, but it's happening afterwards, as well.

And I've also got the bit the pen's too big for any smaller fruit.

You couldn't draw a face on the on a grape, could you?

No, no, that's true.

Yeah, you needed to impact, yeah, yeah.

It's not vegetable for us, also, but yeah, yeah, whatever.

You can still, I appreciate you not calling me out for it, yeah, because that was easy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pop lobs or bread, pop lobs or bread, huge davies.

Pop lobs or bread, bread, yeah, yeah, nice.

I'm having doughbles from Pizza Express, yeah, okay, cool.

Don't you chuck bread off your balcony, you told me.

Yeah, hoof it.

And this is not in a lockdown situation, by the way.

No, this was it last week.

Yeah.

When we were

hanging out last week,

I hoof bread off my balcony.

I hoof it.

If it gets, I buy bread rolls, and sometimes if it gets a bit stale, instead of chucking it in the bin, I hoof it.

I hoof it from my balcony.

It goes into, I live by like a lock of water.

And there's loads of animals in there.

And I like watching them fight over it.

They'll fight over the bread.

What kind of animals were there?

Twin birds.

birds?

Yeah all kinds of birds.

The fish, the two, the fish have a go as well.

They have a try.

The smaller ones come in like the little duckies.

Then the geese come in, frighten the duck and then the swans come in.

The swans, I like, because the swans, they don't, they approach very slowly.

Yeah.

Like

a sort of like a like a big bowser, like, you know, like the big ship.

They can see it coming in.

And then when the bread gets small enough, they'll take it to the air.

Yeah.

And then they'll have fight, they'll fight in the air.

And I'm watching this all from my sofa, man.

I don't know if the doors doors open.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah, yeah.

This is like 20 minutes.

And it's also hoofing as well.

I love the hoof.

Yeah, you got a hoofing.

You've got a hoof.

What makes it a hoof rather than a throw?

I put my

when I kick it, my foot goes all the way back to the back of my head.

Oh, sorry, you kick.

I really didn't.

Yeah.

What do you think hoof was?

I didn't put that together.

I thought you were just throwing it so hard that it was like.

But yeah, okay, so you kick it out of the way.

You're like a cartoon character.

Like I'll do a full 360 swing, like a golf swing.

That's because hoof is

a horse's foot.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

I should have, yeah, I should have known that's on that's on.

And then the horses come and they have a go at the bread.

So you're putting them on the floor, the bread, and kicking them off the floor.

No, I'm taking it from the air.

You throw it.

I'm doing that.

Oh, my flatmate will tee it up for me and I'll smash it.

Sounds quite dangerous in terms of getting on one leg, spinning the other leg around, and you're on a battle.

Not the way I hoof, baby.

No, no.

Not the way I do.

Save hoof.

Yeah, yeah.

Plus, it's going to either go straight out of the window or just hit the ceiling.

I'll just pick it up again and hoof it again.

I will say that I've never not hoofed i've always done it first time always always how far do you think you could hoof a dobo a piece of express dobo oh that's hard actually because they're quite light aren't they you'd have to wait for it to get a bit drier because yeah

and then also you'd have to have so many of them that you wouldn't immediately go through them at one time you know you've never you wouldn't save a dobo you'd have to have so many that you couldn't shove any more down your gullet yeah yeah because a fresh dobo if you hoof that it's not it's not flying straight is it that's like it's gonna be like a wiffle ball actually i might

i actually actually might do the doughbo because they they the the birds would have never had anything that good yeah do you know what i mean would you dip would you dip in garlic butter before you hoofed

yeah yeah yeah i would yeah yeah just just ruin my flat just explodes

horrible doughball explodes on my foot in my flat then if you could what if you could like fill the lock with garlic butter and then kick the doughballs into that

yeah but that's too good for the birds too good for the birds it'd be slopping and they're sliding all over the place it'd be like um shell all over again

yeah it'd be videos of people cleaning birds.

People chose to bring up to make their third statement of the year.

I'm sorry, coming out of the restaurant, getting everyone cups of tea.

I'd love those dobles, obviously.

Yeah, I'm trying to think if someone's chosen as the breadcourse.

I think they have.

But like

people love them.

Ivo Graham chose it.

No,

that was the highlight of his menu.

Would you share Doughboards with Ivo Graham?

Yeah, sure, man.

I mean, he's always asking me about the squash too, so maybe not.

He is?

No, no, he's not.

No, no,

I'd share Dobles with Graham.

You You can't really...

I mean,

I was on a date with someone who's from Australia and they'd never had the dobles before.

And I took them to Pete's Witch Burst and they were blown away.

Was she quite nice?

Yeah, she was quite nice.

Yeah.

Ivo Graham had a double portion.

How do you feel about that?

The doppio.

The doppio.

Well, I'm not going to say it's wrong.

He's just by himself, not sharing.

Yeah, apparently, yeah.

Are these menus like, are they just like realistically eaten in one sitting?

It's up to you, really, because we've had guests who...

What do a batch cook?

Who do who say part of their dream in the dream restaurant is that they won't get full

so they can eat

a dream restaurant too.

Yeah piles of stuff and so I can do that as well can I yeah if you want yeah okay if it's your dream how many dobbles can you get through as a starter realistically and then how many do you want in the dream restaurant?

I've never tried to get as because it's you know I don't I'm not made of money.

You know, I'm not gonna see how many I can get.

Yeah.

I reckon I could do I could do double as well actually.

Thinking about it, I probably go to tobacco.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's get your doppio.

Okay, we'll get your doppio yeah yeah the doppio comes with other dips as well i think this thing with the bread though i feel like it's like going beyond bread now you could be like technically you could have a pizza now couldn't you yeah so you're like that's the hear people say pizza i had um the garlic bread with cheese and marmite from yard sale which is in a pizza format okay so yeah i had a pizza for he found a hack i mean we're open to hacks we're open to hacks you know But I think the Doughboards is a good shout.

Yeah.

I think it's good.

I think it's a good one.

I did think of that on the way here.

I was going to say Poppadom's initially, but then I thought of the Doughboys on the way.

I was pretty proud of myself.

Yeah.

Your Dream Starter.

Dreamstarter.

I don't know if you've had this before.

I couldn't think of anything better.

It's crispy, aromatic, dark pancakes.

Yes.

Russell Howard chose these.

Oh, really?

If you wanted to share them with Russell Howard?

Yeah, I would.

Nice little get-together, actually.

Have a lot of time, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah.

I just think there's no better combination of flavours.

I just think, I was trying to think of a better one, and I cannot cannot think of a single one.

I'm always in the mood.

I'm never not in the mood.

I'm going to try and make an aromatic duck.

Are you?

Yeah, from scratch soon.

I'm going to turn to him with bread from

like a line of bread rolls.

Crispy aromatic duckies.

We just go down to where they are.

Hoof the roll into your house.

Yeah.

Opposite hoof.

And then they all fly in there and then you've got your...

There's a bit in my flat as well where you go in and

it's like an airlock.

So you have to go in there and then you go into my flat through another door, that'll be where the you get most that's the aromatic bit do you know so

steam steam it in there for yeah yeah yeah and then through to the main kitchen very clever yeah thought about this man i mean i i hate to bring up pizza express again but i went to pizza express not too long ago with some friends not as not not as quash

with some friends and I

saw the menu and there was a crispy dark hoisin pizza on the menu.

And I was like, that's incredible that a restaurant has managed to spit on two cultures at the same time.

Yeah.

I've had one of those, but not from Pizza Express.

I had one from Bella, Italia, when I was at university.

Yeah, yeah.

How do you find it?

It was fucking filth.

I mean,

of course.

I mean, obviously I loved it.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's the thing.

I ordered it as like a kind of like, try and bring me, try and bring me this.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's see how bad this can get.

And then they brought it and they, but they, before they came up to me, went, we were at dark because it's so popular, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they said, do you mind if you replace the duck with chicken?

I went, yeah, you make it worse.

Yeah, wow.

Yeah, go on, make it worse.

Hoistin chicken.

Yeah, hoistin' chicken.

And this thing came out and it was like, it was jarring.

It was, and then they, they also put, get this, the raw cucumber and raw spring onions on the top of the pizza with a hoist in drizzle.

And I was, I was sitting there.

I was laughing.

I was laughing at this pizza.

We were all laughing at the pizza.

And then I had a bite and I was like, it still works.

Oh, yeah, you're like.

still it still works.

Was it a tomato?

Was it like a normal tomato base pizza?

It can't be.

Can't be.

I've a few pieces.

The one I had was hoisin base.

I think it's hoisin base.

Yeah, hoisin base.

Yeah, with hoisin on the top.

But duck and cheese, man.

But I honestly think.

It works.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like it's thinking it's like one of the only Asian like kind of things you can have on a pizza, surely.

Like a dish you can have.

Think of another like Asian

dish you can put on a pizza.

It's a smart chicken katsu curry.

Wontons.

I'd have a wonton pizza.

Yeah, that's not a that's not a meal, is it?

It's not a flavoured combination of wonton.

Chicken katsu curry.

curry on a pizza yeah you could put the like the fried chicken

disgusting gamble and then drizzle over curry sauce i'd have it

i know you'd have it yeah yeah yeah i'd have it james would have it okay i don't think i would no yeah it's funny to say i'd have it yeah

let's talk more about this duck though because i think it's a great choice yeah we need to know how you're building it so you've got you start with the pancake start pancake in the mouth okay

in the mouth no so pancake on the floor yeah lay it on the floor be respectful be respectful have it on the floor.

And then I'm covering it in sauce.

And I like, you know, like when you order it sometimes and they give you like a really measly,

I finally found a place where they just, they overload you with the sauce.

And I actually have bought it.

You can buy the paste and you can make it yourself.

I have it as a backup in case they don't provide enough.

You bring it with you in a little vial?

Bring it with me.

I'm having this at home now.

And I'm not, the amount of,

I'm not eating duck in public.

You know?

Interesting.

Yeah.

So what are you, ordering?

Because obviously you can get quarters, you can get halves.

Yeah.

I'm getting a lot.

I'm getting like a full.

I'm getting a full duck.

You get a full duck.

No, I don't,

like, if I've rewarded myself, I'll get like a full, I'll get like a full duck and not order anything else.

Like I normally would all have other things, but if I've had a big day,

and by a big day, I mean I've completed a gig.

Yeah, well done.

I've managed to carry the keyboard back and forth.

And I'll get it.

I'll get a whole point.

I'm in so much debt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm in a lot of debt.

Yeah,

I will sometimes just have a full crispy duck.

Great.

How many pancakes are you talking for?

Well, you normally get a packet per quarter, so it's four packets.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and I will demolish that.

And we're going pancake, cover it in sauce.

Yep, and then two, like maybe, it depends on, again, it depends on how many cucumbers they give you.

I always buy spare.

I always buy spare cucumber.

So I'm having,

this thing is disgusting by the time you've wrapped it up.

It's a lot.

I'm having like two blocks of cucumber per half side of the pancake.

So it's like four big bits of cucumber loads and loads of spring onions like jam packet full of duck.

This thing is like you almost can't close it.

Yeah.

You know, and you're doing that maybe 16, 17 times.

A week, yeah.

Yeah.

It's more like a pasty button.

Yeah.

Are you doing them all individually when you get a whole duck?

Or are you lining up all the pancakes, making them all and then going to town like you were?

No, I'm making them one by one.

I used to pride myself as a kid that I could, I was like, I felt like i was you know like when you see like someone make a crep suzette in a restaurant they're like and i get they bring out the guy and then he does the yeah he does the thing that's what i thought i looked like when i was making pancakes i would make pancakes for my family as a kid yeah like if i got johnny's takeaway you'd be the pancake yeah i'd be the pancake guy and i'm a dish hard pancakes

like when you say as a kid probably like seven years old seven years old you make the duck pancakes yeah pride yourself on it yeah yeah yeah yeah even though if i may say your technique of making the pancakes sounds dreadful what do you mean well you're putting too much stuff in it yeah

sorry immediately yeah yeah yeah sorry just forgot how i make pancakes for a second yeah yeah it makes sense for a seven-year-old to make them like that to be fair to not alter your technique at all no you can barely get into your

cheese now

uh is bad i have to unhinge my jaw like a bow constrictor

eat it as a whole as it is it's just

pancakes now yeah yeah i didn't have breakfast

i've had breakfast and this is the second episode we've done today um my stomach's starting to go yeah starting to make it i did offer to bring in the food.

Well, I said offering the food.

You turned up and you said, I thought about bringing the food.

It was what an offer is to me.

Google what offer means.

No, no, I will stick to it.

I offered it.

Also, interesting, what you said was, oh, I was going to make all the food and bring it in.

And so far, you've got Pizza Express Doughboals and Krispy Duck from a Chinese takeaway.

You can buy those things from shops.

Yeah, but that's not making, is it?

I don't know.

Well, we'll see.

We'll see when you move.

It would have been easier to get.

Of course, there's a microwave bull as I need.

Make it for a scratch, baby.

Make it for a scratch.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Let's get on to your main course.

What is the main course?

Spaghetti bolognese.

Really?

Really?

Yeah.

You just bring in some absolute classics to the top of the film.

I was thinking about some of the crazier things that I've eaten.

And I just think it comes back to, I do not, it's like...

I always think your favourite film is the one you've seen, you've watched the most.

And I've probably had the most, like, I had spaghetti bolognese so often because I love it so much yeah and I think it's the way that I make it as well I love the way that I make it I finally got it down to a tea I also have like you know like I don't eat like a lot of food apart from duck right like but like this I normally I feel like I eat like a normal amount of food like I'm not one of those people that's like you know like memo say like I just eat like so much of it and they get the spiciest thing and I don't have any of that but with spaghetti bolognese oh man I'm I'm eating a lot I'm eating a lot yeah and I'm like it's something about it that you can just I almost you don't have to you don't have to swallow like chew right you can just pretty much shove it like i had bolognese last week with my flat mate and she has a normal portion she automatically put mine into a salad bowl

and then i had three salad bowls of it so i filled each port i said there was like nine three per three portions in a salad bowl i'd say and then three then two more of them portions of spooky yeah we think about 10 because then i eat the rest out of the pot yeah well i mean this is you've already gone up in my estimation because i immediately imagine you eating it directly from the pan when when you said spaghetti.

No, the pan is after.

That's for dessert.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's my treat at the end of.

I mean, look, who doesn't love spaghetti but spaghetti butter?

It's not even like, I don't even realise I'm, it's not even like I'm trying.

Like, she's like, it's like you look, I look down and three salad bowls have gone.

And I'm not even full.

Like, she's like, stop it.

You have to have, you have to leave some for the week.

Because I do it as a batch cook.

Yeah.

I end up having all of it.

And you eat all of it.

In the one goes up.

I thought I was like retreats of broccoli pasta in the lockdowns, man.

I'd make that pasta and I was very shocked at how much yeah i would just like just keep going yeah um i'm like that with marmite pasta there you go what marmite pasta i must have told you about my marmite pasta i didn't know i didn't eat

so much marmite all the time i love marmite pasta what do you mean well if you look if you've got nothing in apart from some spaghetti and marmite and butter a bit of cheese if you've got it it's delicious i feel physically sick oh my god you've told me about this boil the pasta did you know about this boil the pasta knows about it get a little pan going butter in the pan as much butter as you like Big old serving spoonful of marmite into the pan.

Sort of melt it down and mulsify it a bit.

With the butter.

Bit of the pasta water.

Bit of cheese if you want.

Sort of just get that all going.

A bit like a cachio pepe.

Get that all going in the sauce and then dump the cooked spaghetti into the pan, mix it all up.

Belysimber.

Have you had

marmite with

marmalade?

Marmite with marmite.

Marmite with marmite.

Marmite with marmalade.

Have you had it?

I've had marmite with peanut butter.

I don't think I've had marmite with marmalade.

Have marmite with marmalade?

Yeah.

You'll love it.

my dad's dad's like thing that he makes people when

I used to have people sleep over at mine.

Yeah, he'd be like, have a bit of this.

Yeah, and they'd try it and they'll love it.

I can imagine it working.

Yeah, it's really good.

What's the ratios?

Like, not a lot of Marmite as you would normally do.

And then like a normal amount of...

Normal, both normal.

Both is spread onto toast.

Yeah, yeah.

This is not just like a...

Yeah, not your hands.

Yeah, I thought it was like a spoon.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, sorry, on toast.

I will say that.

Not a spoon of marmite, and then you spoon into the marmalade.

Yeah, you eat it like a really

horrible.

Not everything I eat is horrible.

Okay, so far.

Is your dad called Massive Davis?

Oh my God.

That's bad stuff.

It's good stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah, okay, cool.

I'm playing to the room.

But my dad is Ivo Graham.

Fair enough.

We both go to Pizza Pro the time together.

Is this your spaghetti bolognese that you make?

So with the salad bowls, that was the one that you made.

You want your own?

Yeah, I want my own.

I want my own.

Talk us through it.

Yeah, it's really little signature twists in the huge Davis bowl.

I do have a secret ingredient, but I don't think it's that man.

Come on.

You said you got this gun of a fine art.

People are going to be wanting to make this at home.

So, first thing I'm doing is I'm cutting up a lot of celery.

I'm cutting a lot of carrots.

I'm cutting a lot of white onions.

I do it in front of, I like, it takes ages to do it, and I'll cut it up in front of like a, in front of like a film.

I'll do it like whilst I'm so that when I'm cooking spaghetti bolognese, I'll put it in the diary.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

It'll take out like three hours to do this thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I cut all that down, I then, like, put that into a big pot, like a big pot.

Yeah.

And then I'm getting that down so it's all like, you know, it'll, I don't know what the word is, but you know, until it gets good.

And then I'm, then I'm shoving in mince.

So it's pork mince and beef mince.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you've got it because you, because of the fat, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I read about that.

And then I'm putting in, so this is controversial.

No tomatoes.

No, no, no canned tomatoes in it.

Okay.

No tinned tomatoes.

I put in tomato puree, a whole one of those.

Also in a whole.

A whole tube of tomato puree.

Yeah, man.

You've not seen the pot, man.

Right, the pot's huge, right?

Yeah, the pot's great.

It's a big boy.

Yeah.

And then I also put wide as well.

Like a baby bath or something.

Lloyd's in there, too.

Yeah.

Bobbing around in the jacuzzi.

Marinating Lloyd.

You realise that you've got a squash in your t-shirt.

Oh my God, yeah.

My goodness.

And wearing a t-shirt that has

five different squashes on it.

Let's see one of the one that Lloyd most represents.

Can I see the other one?

Yeah.

Well, as long as you are looking at the pumpkins are coming I'm thinking of Lloyd.

I think

the winter veg.

Lloyd is the closest to the right, I think, the pale one.

The pale.

Oh, this one.

Yeah, but he was longer, obviously.

Much better.

RIP.

Yeah.

Yeah.

RIP, Lloyd.

So you're putting in a whole tube of the...

Yeah, and then I'm getting that all together.

I'm cooking this over like a long period.

I'm putting also in red wine, a lot of red wine.

Yeah.

Want it to taste good.

Then, once that's all down, yeah, I forgot to put garlic in the mill, obviously, loads of garlic, like too much garlic.

I always felt like when you put the amount of garlic they

people recommend, it's never a good garlic.

Yeah, because all these things are like the recipes are for the most average person, right?

Yeah.

So put in just like a whole

thing of garlic.

Yeah.

Cooking that down.

Then I put in like loads of stock, vegetable or chicken, it doesn't matter.

Then I'm sticking in like some spices like oregano.

And then I'm putting a bay leaf in and then adding tomato ketchup.

Wow.

Is this your shape?

You shun the canned tomatoes and now you're putting ketchup in.

Yeah.

I was with you all the way.

Because you need a bit of sugar in there, but

you don't want to put some sugar in.

So I put in tomato ketchup to make it sugary, but also a bit of tomato.

Do you know what adds a natural sweetness?

Canned tomatoes.

No, but I said I know tomatoes now because I want to be edgy.

I'm saying.

Is it because you want to be edgy?

Because you just discovered.

I mean, was this something that was like

my dad says that you're not meant to put in

like tinned tomatoes into a bolognese.

But I don't know what he knows because i don't think they have that there i don't think they have a bolognese in it's not a thing is it didn't we make that i'm interested about this bolognese because the tomato things spun me out not having tinned tomatoes in it but i think ketchup though yeah

ketchup um you've i was gonna you know what i knew that would be a response i was gonna make it as i said yeah but i could be asked could be asked yeah fair enough it's a big pan so but is this that is that the end of the ingredients now after ketchup ketchup's the final thing let me think well you always you you make it you yeah, but for a long time, and then, but you're putting in loads of pasta water into it to keep it up.

So you just keep cooking it until it like sort of becomes like a lovely bolognese sludge.

Here's my question.

And, you know, no judgment.

Salt and pepper as well, sorry.

Loads of salt and pepper, obviously.

No judgment either way, huge.

Yeah.

When you eat it.

I feel like you're about to say something very judgmental.

No, are you putting the spaghetti into a bowl?

and then putting the bolognese on top and then just sort of eating it like that or are you mixing it all up and like chopping the the spaghetti up and stuff you boil the spaghetti in a big pot as well and then you you like you spoon in a few spoons of the bolognese you mix that through with a bit of olive oil as well what you're putting the pasta straight into the bolognese and mixing it

bolognese into the pasta so in the in the pot you've got the pasta in you're putting the bolognese in the pot of of um

of of the pasta and then you're like swelling that around a bit so it sort of coats the pasta and then because people are fussy what you do is you put the pasta on the plates and then you put an extra dollop of sauce on top because people like people like having the sauce on top you put you finish with parmesan oh yeah you also put parmesan in the sauce as well you put it in oh i forgot basil as well putting basil in the sauce yeah so you top with basil parmesan

i was worried there wasn't going to be a dollop because i like the dollop i if anything i actually prefer plain spaghetti with the dollop on the top and then i have the choice to mix in if i want and then i can just have just sauce or just a plain bit of spaghetti you know i like to be i like to be a dj of my own dinner no

i want it all mixed up i hate

child i hate what are you talking about i hate having that thing

do you want it all cut up for you as well and get it for your special bob the builder fork i would love that i can imagine you have it in like a segmented plate yeah what

why would i need it in a segmented plate

yeah no well the different bits so it's i wouldn't like no ed would like that oh yeah maybe yeah no because i like

segmented plates i like to be able i could start at the edge and work my way in delicious yeah no i won't i want

every bit of spaghetti to be covered in that bolognese noise that's you're spreading the sauce by spaghetti you see you're spreading you're literally spreading it too thin that's why i was very on board with the dollop going on top as well people don't like it when you do that when you when you mix the sauce in with the spaghetti i'm fine with like the way huge is doing it that well me too so it's all mixed together and then a dollop on the top great the way you just described is revolting isn't it the worst thing you have ever said on this podcast isn't the spaghetti get quite like it

gets claggy?

Doesn't it mind that?

If you just have to mind a bit of clag, but then you can also declag with the sauce as you wish.

But you can just declag with the sauce, but nah, but I want the option.

Okay, fine.

I'm not going to tell you how to

just like mum used to think.

Your mama didn't used to make it like that.

Yeah, she did.

Well, your mama didn't animate spaghetti bottle of nose, man.

I think you can tell her that.

Yeah.

Did you listen to the pod?

My mama's the mummer from Mamma Mia.

What?

Yeah, the bones.

That was good stuff.

I like the way.

I'll probably try the the way you do it, actually.

I think it's the most I've disagreed with on the podcast.

Really?

The way he has spaghetti bolognese.

And I've never heard that before, and it's distressing to me.

Is it because it's like in your...

That's what the way a cartoon spaghetti bolognese is.

Maybe.

Yeah.

You like to live in a cartoon.

It's like to live in a bonus.

It looks so safe in the cartoon, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm getting the sense that the main thing is choice.

And Ed wants it to be his choice.

Also, I don't mind the taste of plain pasta, so you get a little bit of that.

And sometimes I just want to take a big spoonful of ragu off the top if you came to my house and I made you spaghetti bolognese but I did it in a way that wasn't if it was like all mixed in like James has it yeah would you would you have would you eat it or would you

splat splat the duckies are eating that

or you have

would you sit down with your marmite spaghetti and have just bare plain spaghetti and then a dollop of the no because stuff on top of it because it's not the it's too thin a sauce that's like a cachio pepper you've got to mix it all together.

So you're covering the pasta.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But if it's like a thick, a lovely, thick, slow-cooked ragu, I want to be able to experience that unadulterated rather than the thin coverings and bits of mints here and there.

I want a mouthful of it.

Yeah.

You're doing it wrong, man.

And also I put pancetta in it.

Okay, fine.

I don't put pancetta in it.

Maybe I should do that.

I have a nice little try.

Yeah.

Big, big ones.

The little cubes.

Yeah.

The cube panchetta.

Yeah, okay, fine.

Okay, that's a good addition.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not going to like that side of that.

No, I just, I just love it.

I just love, I think it is the only thing that I can, I can get hoof.

I can hoof, you can hoof the you can hoof the spaghetti, you can only hoof down without, like, there's no end, there's no end to it.

Well, okay, but now we're talking about hoofing it down.

And earlier, when I didn't know what hoofing meant, it was like, uh, the hoof of a horse, come on, man.

But, like, I've never seen a horse with its hoof put food in its mouth and like lift the food up in its, but with the hoof and feed itself.

Huge eats with his feet.

He kicks his food into his mouth.

Yeah.

Huge.

On the floor, I gather it in like a, again, like a spider.

I gather it in like a trapdoor spider.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, fair enough then.

I'm really happy with that selection, though.

Bolognese.

Did you have bolognese before?

I was worried that because it's...

I think we must have done, but I'm just going to say that.

I think someone has.

I'll tell you what.

When you said it, I was like, boring in my head.

But then when you described making it make it and all that, I was like, yeah, this is.

I think it's just so comforting.

I just love it.

I can't.

I thought of other dishes that I could have maybe said.

like, I was going to maybe go for like these fish tacos that I do that I really like.

But I just think there's nothing I look forward to more than a spag.

You can't go crispy duck pancakes into fish tacos because then you're just everything is kind of like

it's too many wraps.

Yeah, yeah.

You're just making, and I can only imagine how full you make those fish tacos.

Yeah, no, it's disgusting.

Yeah, absolutely.

There's not even like a finish to it.

I just, I tack on.

I like, it's like human centipede.

Yeah.

I tack on the duck pancakes straight onto the tacos yeah and the snake continues spilling into one another yeah

does anyone put bolognese so there you go you're in pretty good company uh kind of so joe

kind of well joe thomas's bolognese that he chose was his own as well but he added cream to it what yeah yeah so that that was part of his recipe is that you would put cream so white cream in the bolognese

what cooled us down well

too too spicy for me

is this white?

He made it for Johnny Sweet and Simon Bird.

Um, I mean, Stanley Tootchi's Mother's Lasagna Bolognese, yeah, that's the other end of the scale there.

Pretty delicious, pretty high end.

Uh, Rosie from Flow and Joan also had it, yeah, but all making their own and Marilyn Rice Cup, which I couldn't remember was Maryland Rice Cup, yeah.

There's a lot of things in Marilyn Rice Cub's interview that um sort of stand out further than her actual food options, yeah, yeah.

Dream side dish.

The festive bake from Gregg's.

Okay.

We always say it doesn't matter if a menu goes together necessarily, it's just all of your favorite things, but this is a funny old combination.

I was thinking as I was, I was, this is less of a cohesive menu, more of a tough mudder for your stomach.

Yeah, do you know what I mean?

See if you can make a festive bake from which I love the festive bait from Greg's.

Never had it.

Never had it, don't even know what's in it.

You can imagine.

Can't wait to hear it.

Wow.

Let's guess.

Let's let James guess what he thinks in the festive bait.

So, okay.

Inside the festive bait, turkey, cranberry sauce, stuffing, pigs in blankets kind of deal.

Yes, right animal.

So there's like pork in there.

Ham, right?

Ham.

I think there's ham in there.

Like gamut.

I mean,

are they putting vegetables in there?

Is there some like...

Carrots and parsnips and stuff?

I think...

It's like creamy, right?

Yeah, from what I remember.

It's all the things you so cranberry sauce stuffing turkey those are the three main components anyway and they put like loads of like sort of christmassy sort of spices in there but i i go to greggs every single day okay for and i don't even live near a gregg's i'll tell you that yeah do you know what i mean how far are you traveling for a gregg's it's easier half hour walk yeah during the period during the festive period i don't even refer to it as a festive period before yeah now it's a festive period i thought you know you go into gregg's every day during the festive period yeah i'm not going I'm not queuing outside like it's a Harry Potter book.

So you're not going every day

for the rest of the year.

No, no, no.

But as soon as the festive bait drops, you're going every day.

Yeah.

When do they tend to drop it?

I think this time it was mid-December.

I remember because

I was filming a thing and the whole film crew went to go have lunch somewhere else and I didn't have lunch with everyone else because I wanted to check.

Yeah.

whether the festive bake was out and it was out.

And that was the worst Greggs ever.

It was the Greggs at Tottenham Court Road, which was like it's it was it was it was busy in there but people people know what day it was people knew yeah Christmas had officially started yeah yeah yeah yeah so how long's the festive bake been going for how long have you been I've been aware of it two years so this is I'm early into it but it's been going longer than that yeah yeah it's been going longer I didn't know about it really because I just I don't really go in for like the limited edition things that a chain restaurants sell I don't buy into it but this I buy into in a big way yeah and I mean I mean like one and in a big way I mean one a day for the whole Christmas period.

Which is so it's just starting like mid-December.

So how many are you having by the end of the Christmas period?

How many have you had?

I've had a minimum one a day.

But how long are the how many days we're talking?

The 12 days of Christmas?

No, until they finish.

Yeah.

Until they finish.

It's like mid-January, they kind of finish.

Okay.

So about a month.

Yeah, about a month.

One a day for a month.

Well, you say minimum one day.

Are there any two festive bake days?

Yeah, sometimes I have like three.

Yeah.

Okay.

So we're talking probably on average, 50 festive bakes during that time.

Well, don't do it like it's, you know,

you are you eat.

You know, when they put the food on the table, you can see the disgrace.

You know, it's like, it's shame.

Yeah.

Don't shame me.

I'm not shaming you.

I'm actually really proud of you, man.

Okay.

But

probably about 50.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, I'd say 50.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was at 50.

Yeah.

They know me.

I used to live in a

in like near Twickenham.

And that Gregg's, I went there every single day.

They know me there.

And they knew it was going to be a festive bake.

Yeah, they don't even, they don't even, they just leave it out.

Yeah.

You know.

When you're buying two at a time, did you ever feel ashamed?

And had to say, oh, one of them's for Lloyd.

Yeah, then they'd have to say, who's Lloyd?

Yeah.

I'd be more ashamed.

Yeah.

The squash and the pram.

Yeah.

I mean, so hold on, are you getting, when you had a, you know, two or even three festive bake day, were you buying those all together?

Or were you making three or two separate trips?

I'm making, no, just one trip.

One trip?

Yeah, that's my, my walk.

That was, so like, that was the first one was like a lockdown thing.

Yeah.

So I had to do something for the day.

So get up, do the washing up,

delete the calendar, stuff of the calendar,

watch the news for a bit, go to Gregg's, get myself one to three festive bakes, come back, have your real dinner.

The deleting stuff of the calendar sounds like it was a real ritual for you.

Yeah, because I had nothing to do.

Other people did what they did.

They wrote books and that and they sort of like wrote scripts.

What I did is I just deleted stuff of the calendar and watched it all melt away.

Well, you know what you say you did nothing you had nothing to do.

You know that the people who wrote books and scripts also had nothing to do, so then they wrote a script?

No, man.

No, no, no, no, that doesn't sound right at all.

I don't know.

Sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's not true.

It's not true.

Read your books, man.

Do you do a book in...

You did a book.

Did you book?

Did you do a book?

Yeah, man.

How sad was the meals

around it?

Just Toritzo broccoli pasta.

That was it.

Torizo broccoli pasta.

I almost went with tuna pasta bake for the main because I really like tuna pasta bake.

Yeah, you like the man who appreciates the classics.

Yeah, something you can cook.

Who is that character?

Classics.

Yeah, yeah.

Who the hell is that?

Do you think people who don't know who I am, which is a lot of people, do you think people will think that I'm a porn star that you're interviewing?

Because you've got a huge date.

Yeah, it does sound like a sexy voice.

I mean, we've been chatting for a while now.

It would have been a terrible interview if you were a porn star and we'd not brought up anything about porn.

yeah because that's the thing that podcasts like to do i see a lot of podcasts now they have porn stars on yeah i've i i yeah i mean i don't know how you do that yeah have you not had one on we've never had a leave a comment and porn star on the video yeah ask them what they eat and then there's inevitable jokes there aren't there yeah yeah of course yeah yeah i mean

go into the gutter immediately whenever well again is it

porn star just wanted us to talk to talk about food yeah me being a little sniffer because you do a grim very grimy podcast yeah yeah i will say yeah this is actually quite odd being here quite surreal because it was only recently that we so i do a podcast called slime country i do it with sunil patel and ed ed night and we recently every time we read out like a fan fiction that someone's written it just so happened that week that we found one an off-menu one and we had to read it out on the podcast and i have to say it's very very difficult to to listen to slash read out.

Yeah, yeah.

Very hard.

A lot.

It's very weird.

Because they get weird because there's always ninja turtles and that kind of thing.

But the ones where you know the people in, which is a few, we had one with uncle roger last week with gordon ramsay and like gordon ramsay was it was translated from chinese gordon ramsay was

he was called lao bao for some reason

and um i think uncle roger was i think it was called um little trout or something it was quite odd anyway your one was very strange

What happened in our one?

So you're...

By the way, when before Hugh read this out on his podcast, he did message me to check.

Yeah.

To give my consent.

And I gave yours.

yeah yeah i mean no one asked me about this yeah i know yeah i knew that you'd said no yeah yeah because it doesn't as you'll find out it doesn't hold you in great esteem oh what so i can't i remember precisely but i got the main points of it it starts off james lets himself into your flat with a spare key okay you're watching some on television they make sure that you're they they say that you're watching some on television

you crawl into ed's lap and break down into tears immediately

What?

I'm putting myself in to do this so far.

Bang on.

Yeah.

And then you're sort of.

I can't believe that.

That's what people think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what the fantasy is.

That's like, because it's an exaggerated version of like, so they think that you come in,

you're cried about how bad your day is.

The section where you're talking about your bad day goes on for so long.

It's so long where you're talking talking about all the things you're having to you, I think you're like having problems with like your agent or something like that.

And it's just comforting you stroking your hair.

And then

you're like weeping, you're like crying all the way through this, and it's just stroking your hair.

And then you beg him to tie you up.

You're like, you're begging him.

I can't believe this.

Someone buggers.

I'm so happy.

We had to stop because it was like,

it's too hard to read.

it was too became difficult.

Well, what?

Because you're finding it upsetting?

I think it's a lot of other options.

I think it's because

people have written, because people write these fan fictions, it's always quite funny because you don't really need, because if it's like the TNH Mutant Ninja titles, it's like a...

But when it's real people that you know,

it becomes quite sinister that they would, you know, there's people like in a setting in which they might come to see you live and the first instance is go, like, I'm going to write like a

16-chapter story about how while crying Ed Ed had as a go-on James whilst he's tied to a bed still crying for the whole thing yeah you're crying for the whole thing

but this is like also the way that it's written it's like this is just normal because you've just let yourself in yeah and like as like oh here we go again I have to tie him up and fuck him because like he's crying so much about his bad day I wouldn't recommend you listen to it because it's like it's hard it's hard to listen to it all meet I'm hearing about it now and it's disturbing

Can't believe I'm just being painted.

That's all the fans seem.

Yeah.

Have you not ever read a fan fiction of yourself before?

No.

There's loads, man.

That was only one of them.

We were going to do a whole

month of it.

James Acast a month.

Yeah.

Crying in all of them?

We're found crying in every single one of them.

It doesn't sound good.

Oh, God.

Honestly, we don't often stop.

We have to stop.

We've never stopped.

We had to stop.

It was too busy.

Yeah, we couldn't get to the point where you were starting to go.

You did go for it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I imagine.

It's got to happen at some point.

Yeah.

Holy smokes.

Sorry about that.

I can't believe it.

I crawl in the room.

Is that the bit that upset you the most?

All of it is just demeaning.

Like, I can't believe I'm...

I'm welcome myself in for it.

I've left myself in with a spare key.

You haven't even got up to see who it is.

You're just watching TV.

So, like, the fact that you're not even like, oh, who's coming in?

Oh, hi, Jim.

You're just sitting there watching TV.

And I have to crawl in, crying.

And then I'm on your lap crying about my bad day.

And then I beg you to tie me up.

Yes.

It's not even your idea.

Yes.

There's a lot of nuzzling.

I remember Sunil specifically being like, why is there so much nuzzling?

That is like, that is a sums up.

All my, every weirdo who's ever seen me is that they would get turned on by the thought of me nuzzling.

That just absolutely doesn't.

God.

Thanks to whoever wrote that.

And then what?

Am I tied to a bed?

Yeah.

So I said, thanks to whoever wrote that, Benito put his hand to the producer.

Wouldn't be surprised.

By the way, if you're not listening again,

the sound guy is David Dimmelby.

They won't let him retire.

Can't bother you.

I absolutely love that.

Yeah, of course you do.

Yeah.

Because I'm a big strong boy.

Yeah.

Big strong boy watching TV.

He doesn't have any feelings.

I said you were watching garbage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fair.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the worst you've come off.

Yeah.

Is when you relax, you watch, you watch garbage.

I like it.

You've come off worse.

I will say that.

Yeah.

I've got all sorts of problems.

I love that.

I think that, yeah, you

can.

Are they writing this because they find it arousing?

Are they writing it?

Other people.

So the comments below will also be like great.

Like great story.

Bang on this story.

Great actor.

They find it sexy.

Yeah.

People read it and wank off to it, I reckon.

Jeez, man.

Jeez.

James, I know you've not enjoyed talking about this.

So later on, when you let yourself in.

I'm crying about what Hugh said.

When you crawl into his lap,

make sure you don't get tears all over the TV remote.

That's why he uses that to watch his garbage television.

Garbage television.

I don't have time for much nuzzling tonight, so we're just going to have...

get straight to the tying up and fucking all right yeah

no no nuzzling for me i guess

Crikey Moses.

Does he say that one?

Yeah, that'll be an extra.

I've made a note of that.

Right.

And then he says, at the point of climax, he shouts, Crikey Moses.

But there will be another one.

Because there's so many.

There will be another one of

those of this.

People, just look it up.

No, I'm not looking at that shit.

No way.

It's a dark hole.

You'll never get out of here.

Yeah, you can't look it up.

It's about what you're complaining about, actually, during the dark hole you can't get out of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bad day, man.

You had a bad day.

Yeah.

Fucking hell.

Bunch of creeps, man.

That is messed up.

It's scary, is it?

Scary world, isn't it?

That is scary that that's in someone's head.

Isn't it scary that you can be so good at stand-up that people will write that about you and then you're forced to confront it in your own podcast?

Well, it's scary that if you even, if you have some sort of platform and you're talking about your emotions for a second, they're like, I need cry so much.

And it becomes this big thing.

It's hot.

It's a fucking cry.

Yeah.

Come on, keep crying.

He cries all the time.

He's nuzzling it's crying

for it nuzzling so funny also i think you're like this they kept referring they don't they refer to ed as ed

oh no oh no they referred to james as the boy

we read the full thing if you check out the this is this is the biggest

this is the most this is the biggest this is the biggest plug for the podcast i could do but you you gotta up until now we read it word for word the most disturbing thing on this podcast was when ed said he has a spaghetti plane with the the dogpoint topic.

But this is, this is absolutely...

This is why...

Do you know what?

It's far too many.

I hope some comedians are listening to this.

I hope there's some comedians who are my friends who in the past have said to me, you should really be more open with your fans, man, and talk to them.

And you could, you know, sometimes they come up to you

and they want stuff from you.

And you're like, oh, no, I'm kind of in a rush or whatever.

And that really upsets them.

You should really give them the time of day.

Fuck that.

If that's what this this is what they're doing,

I don't want to meet a single one of these fucking creeps.

Forget it.

Just the boy.

Yeah.

The boy.

The boy doesn't.

If this is how what's going on in their heads.

Wouldn't be annoyed if you wasn't crying in the story.

Yeah.

If I wasn't crying in the story.

Yeah.

What is it?

Number of things, not just a cry.

If I wasn't.

The boy.

I wasn't being called a boy.

If I wasn't crying, if I wasn't begging to be tied up, because you apparently don't want to do it.

If I wasn't like

complaining about my dad, I see it as more like, oh, fucking hell.

I didn't crawl into the room on all fours.

That's funny, man.

I'm already this subservient, like, lower than you.

I don't like that.

Crawling into the lap, a bit like I know where the cat settles up on a bed.

They're changing.

Like, I'll be fine.

Do you know what?

If that is how I did things, I'd be fine with it.

Yeah.

But I'm just not.

Anyone who does like doing that, who wants to be the subservient of that, fair play to you.

I'm not judging you.

But that's not how I like to do it.

And people putting it on me and making that a thing i've ever seen you come into you've walked in thank you i'll say that i've got your back we've never nuzzled yeah never nuzzled yeah wouldn't rule it out wouldn't rule nuzzling out that's that's that's the one thing that didn't annoy me as much to me

that says more about them yeah

so dessert then is it's we're gonna dream drink but like dream drink

We get it.

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Dream drink.

Lilt.

Lilt.

Like Lil.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I had a thing where, you know, when you, um, if you want like a canned can or something, you always, you always go for like a coat.

Because it's just like, I sort of realized that that was like, that's what like advertising has done to me.

So I've been going around around other drinks and I think I've settled on Lil Lil's the best one very annoyed recently they're gonna well I don't know when this goes out but they're getting rid of it

well they're check they're changing it aren't they they're getting rid of it but it's aren't they just changing it they're changing the name to to to to fanta pineapple phanta pineapple and thingy but yeah great food yeah so it's gonna taste the same it's gonna be the same just the can's different no it's not not really though why uh just because it's it's you do you want the you just want lil it's called lil it's fun to say it's not fun to say phantom the boy i'm not

My man, I'm 38.

You've never been so far away in a conversation

before.

Don't give a shit.

It might make you cry.

Yeah.

It will make me cry.

Are you worried about totally trying to get it?

I feel like I also don't want to talk about Lil either.

I feel like this.

No, no, no, no.

Let's talk about Lil.

This is actually a big issue that they're changing Lil.

And obviously, we all remember when they changed Cocoa Pops to Choco Krispies.

People complained so much that they changed it back to Cocoa Pops.

Are you going to be campaigning for it to be changed back to Lilt?

No, I've got not a lot of time, my hands.

Busy.

Everything you've said in this podcast would not suggest that.

What hoofing?

Whoofin.

Yeah, that's not.

Clearing your diary every day.

Yeah, clearing bolognese.

Clearing the diary to prepare my meals.

First, the spaghetti bolognese that takes five hours.

Then the duck that I have to line up like

in a big line so I can eat it like a snake.

I think you've got time to sign a petition.

To bring back Lilt.

Let's be honest, I'm starting though.

They don't sign a petition.

I'm making a petition.

I'm making a petition.

No, I just, I do really like Lil.

I also like,

I don't really drink, but I did, I used to have a big period where I would drink white Russians when I did drink a lot.

And I would bring all the ingredients to like parties and that.

And I look like a real fucking weird guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Drinking.

Well, because it looks like milk.

You're drinking milk out of the glass.

Yeah, of course.

But I really like milk.

And if you arrive with the the ingredients, so you are arriving at a party with milk.

With minimum a shopping bag full of stuff, whatever one's got, yeah.

You've got what's it, kalua, milk, vodka, vodka, ice as well.

You've got to bring the ice in case I'm not advised.

I can't have it without ice.

Okay.

Yeah, so yeah, I look pretty mental.

I don't get a lot of...

I don't get advised to a lot, I'd say.

Yeah, nothing you've said.

No, you can just turn that with two litres of lilt.

Yeah.

Which is awesome.

Well, I can't now.

Can't now.

I've just checked.

They've already got rid of all the lilts in the shops.

There's no lilts anymore now.

No way.

No, they've got rid of it.

It was a quick turnover.

When I first heard, and then I went out to the bottom.

I think people went on a mad Lilt rat.

Yeah, well, you would, because you get to sell them to people like me 20 years later.

£100,000.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

Well, like now, or in five years?

In five years.

Five years for a cannonball.

£1 million.

So £100,000 was now.

Now.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

A week after the bar.

I'm gasping.

I'm gasping.

I need to hoof that too.

Share it with the lads.

I feel like Lil, like, this is how much advertising affects me.

So it's a grey day today.

It's been snowing.

It's pretty cold.

It's Christmas Eve, by the way.

Yeah.

It's 11.30 at Christmas Eve.

Is that fine?

I'm being pulled away from my family.

We're about to talk into that dark, but to curl up the dark.

I wouldn't drink a Lil on a day like today.

I need it to be warm because it's totally tropical.

Yeah.

I would be drinking it today.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Three a day?

Three a day.

Would you not feel like

bit weird drinking a little in the rain?

Nah, man.

I do every...

Nah.

What are you talking about?

Why would it be be weird to drink a little because it's totally tropical more the reason to drink it because if it's miserable then you want a little right and that would like that brightens you up and yeah yeah because i need that yeah in podcast they call me the killer on a podcast because i've i really ruin a lot of them man really yeah yeah i'm real down i'm actually i'm quite excited for this one because it's about food which is one of my two interests yeah what's your other interest um hoofing hoofing hoofing yeah spaghetti bread rolls whatever i can get my hands on yeah so eating food and yeah yeah then kicking food and eating kicking and eating food yeah and no I didn't say cooking and eating food kicking and eating food

okay so a can of lilts cold yeah definitely yeah not definitely yeah okay cold can of lilt I don't want to punish myself with a warm lilt hey I don't know some people like warm soft drinks okay you know I don't want to name her name name and name people who like them yeah

I like when some sometimes I like do you mean you like a warm soft drink sometimes I like it when a soft drink has um gone flat yeah we don't keep our soft drinks in the fridge at home this is disgusting they're just on the kitchen floor that where i can get them yeah cool cool over help yourself

can you open up the can for me please add yeah you cry you whimper clawing at the cat flap go have a can please open it with your mouth boy

please tie me up see the thing is you're really angry at the person that wrote that story yes but every time we talk about it like this they are fucking they are can you imagine

everywhere yeah they're going to pause this podcast so many times to clean up and then come back and play it it.

Can you frame a podcast episode?

Can you frame an episode?

Because they'll be in the house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frame it on the fucking wall.

Definitely.

They're in prison, this person.

Let's face it.

Yeah.

Well, they did something horrific after.

Charles Bronson that was.

No, they wrote that.

Then they went on some sort of awful sexual spree.

And now they're in prison.

No one's telling them about this episode.

They haven't got a clue what's going on.

We're playing this for the prison intercom.

Disgusting.

I mean, you brought it up again.

Good luck hearing it.

And they're not bringing it up all the time.

I'm still dealing with it.

But this is the exact sort of reaction that, you know, has led you to be the crying boy in the story.

If you just more confused.

I've just got fucking feelings.

Yeah.

I'm the crying boy because of that.

If you just took this on the chin, like a normal person, maybe they wouldn't write stories about it.

I've not read the end of the story.

Yeah.

No, I've not either.

I couldn't even read because I find the stories.

Take it on the chin job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's my job to find the stories.

And I didn't even want to read

this one.

So you're not going to drink Fanto pineapple and grapefruit.

No, I won't.

You refuse to.

I'm moving back to Coke.

Yeah.

You're not even going to drink it just to see if it tastes similar.

No, because I want...

No, I'm not having it.

It's not about...

It's the whole thing.

Like, it's not just the taste of the drink, it's the Lilt.

It's the picture on there.

Yeah.

You know, it's a beautiful picture.

The way the Lilt looks in the can.

Look at the shelf of cans.

Well, you can't anymore.

Look at the shelf of cans.

The Lilt stands out.

It's amazing.

It looks incredible.

I don't know if it stands out.

It does.

Stands out to me.

Yeah, because it's a...

Because you're looking for a lilt.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It says lilt on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No other drink says lilt on it.

Your dream dessert.

So this isn't something I've not had before, but I used to, when I used to walk back from football at my old school, there was...

Oh, is there something you've not had before?

Yeah, we've had people do that before.

This is amazing.

Okay, so I've

carry on.

So I'm walking back, right, from football, and there was like a, like it was like a chippy and you can go in and you can actually buy you buy a battered mars bar from the shop for £1.70 but if you came in with your own chocolate bar they would batter it for a pound whatever you wanted this didn't exist I don't think but Kit Kat chunky peanut butter are my favorite chocolate bars correct I would then now take that into that shop then get that battered and then I would have that with ice cream but I don't know what it tastes but I can only imagine how good that would taste that would taste incredible do you reckon yeah but what a service what so what happened have you have you had like deep fried chocolate bars before yeah like i would have one every time so what happens to because i had some deep fried oreos once and basically the oreos is pretty much dissolved in the batter and it was like a pretty bad dinky donut and it wasn't what i had in my head when i thought of deep fried is it batter or is it just deep fried it was batter

so they put the oreos in the batter deep fried them but then like it was like a little donut with like a kind of oreo filling but not really And I was like, this is very disappointing.

So I had it in my head.

Like an Oreo that's a bit gooey and soft, but uncovered in batter.

So when I think of deep-fried Mars bars and the like, I always think like it's still a solid like Mars bar size block of like all the gooeyness.

And then outside you've got the batter, but actually, is it just that it kind of just like...

It's a gooey filling.

So you, you, the, the outside of the batter is the crispy bit you want.

So that's your crisp.

And inside, it's just the, it's the chocolate bar, but a liquid.

But it hasn't like vaporized because like that these oreos it's not vaporized it's still it was like there was like like hardly anything in there.

Yeah, Oreos are quite like that's a biscuit though, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, well that's why I'm asking with this.

Do you have like a chocolate bar's worth of the goo and you can go because it's all in there and it hasn't just like piddled away to nothing.

No, it's all it's all in there.

It's all trapped in there.

Plus there's like wafer in there as well, right?

In the Kit Kat Junkie.

So yeah, there's wafer too.

So I'm assuming that's not going away.

You can't melt a wafer, can you?

No.

No?

So the wafer's staying as it is.

Yeah.

But yeah, I've tried a lot of different ones.

Lion Bar, I really liked in there because I also like Lion Bars in general.

Snickers is good.

But yeah, I'd never have opportunity to deep fryer.

And I'd have that with ice cream.

Yeah.

Not of ice cream vanilla.

Ur vanilla.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What did you do?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, now you're talking.

I mean, that that definitely like one of the best chocolate bars is the Peanut Butter Kit Kat Chunky.

So I'd I'd join you if you were doing that.

Yeah.

I've got a comedian for each course joining me.

Yeah.

Got Howard, Graham and Nia Acastell.

Yeah, yeah, you've got everything.

I mean, you know, all joining my house, we're gonna hoof a roll together.

I'll hoof a roll.

I was coming over.

Good luck hoofing a roll with your feet tied up.

I would want to get

an entire big block of Whitakers,

peanut butter Whitakers, or the jelly tip Whitakers, or the PB and J Whitakers, and have that deep fried.

I've never seen huge laughs as much.

I can't believe it.

I've never laughed before.

Oh, my gosh.

Cream egg.

Not a cream egg.

Cream eggs are disgusting.

Oh, come on, mate.

They're disgusting.

If you have a cream egg, take a look at yourself in the mirror.

I mean, I can't eat.

I mean, I can't eat cream eggs.

No.

I mean, medically, it would be an absolute disaster.

Is that what you do?

It's like you know the equivalent of like a vampire when they're about to go and they look into the sun like a blade.

Yeah.

Is your version of that like your last day?

Yeah, just eat a cream egg

explode.

James, you untie James and he puts an egg into your mouth.

Revenge.

If the story ends like that, fine.

Yeah, nice.

Now I'm walking out of there, then it's like end of usual suspects.

I was the powerful one all along.

No, you start crawling and then

you suddenly realise that you're like, walking down the street, smoking.

Yeah,

throwing off, throwing off her handcuffs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, brilliant.

I love that dessert, though.

Yeah,

that is good.

It's a good dessert.

This whole thing has been overshadowed by the.

It has, definitely.

Of course it has.

But it's like, you know, I'm leaving this episode knowing that the world is that much worse than I thought it was going in.

Yeah.

You know?

I mean, I knew that there was fan fiction out there.

I've been told.

You recommended me to check out some of the Taskmaster ones.

Oh, yeah, they're just as bad.

Yeah, I knew there was Taskmaster ones.

I knew that there was off-menu ones because actually a while ago, I think someone was saying that they were thinking of doing another podcast with someone else and they never made it in the end, but there was similar, like meeting out fanfic.

And they were like, oh, the pilot's going to be off-menu because there's loads of it.

And I was like, oh, so I knew it was there.

But I didn't ask a follow-up question when that person said that and go, oh, what happens in it?

Yeah.

I mean, I guess I could have predicted.

Even in this room, I'm feeling shame.

And it didn't even happen.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I'll tell you what it was for me this then.

I kind of could have put, if you'd you'd said to me what roles do you think you and Ed have in it?

I'd have gone, oh yeah, I'm probably, you know, I'm probably the more submissive one.

The boy.

I wouldn't have guessed the boy.

They never referred to you as well.

It's always the boy.

I would have thought the audience would have, you know, that the fans would have seen us.

Like with Greg and Alex, it's like, well, clearly it's going to be Greg King and Alex.

So like,

so like,

with this, it was like, yeah,

they'll probably have.

Yeah, maybe, depends on who's writing it.

Being kind of in charge.

Yeah, sure.

I would not have guessed it was going to those extremes.

That it's like completely...

No point of your dry-eyed.

No point.

No point am I dry-eyed.

Oh, let's read Hugh's menu back to him.

Yes, Hugh.

See how you feel about this.

Still water.

Pop numbers of bread, Pizza Express Doughboards.

Duppio.

Starter, crispy aromatic duck pancakes.

Main, your homemade spaghetti bolognese.

Side dish, Gregg's festive bake.

Drink, lilt in a cold can.

Dessert, battered Kit Kat chunky, peanut butter with ice cream.

Delicious.

Delicious.

Yeah, to be fair, you said before this, before we started recording, you went, I think my menu is pretty disgusting.

But I don't think it's great.

I think it's that you take away the great.

I think it's most of the greats doing a lot of the hard work there for the disgusting.

Yeah.

Greg's on the side.

Nah, it's nice.

No, it's quite inspired.

I'd eat every single thing on your menu, I would eat after I've been swimming.

Every single thing.

Yeah.

Don't you think?

Why after you've been swimming?

Well swimming food like when you're a kid is very specific, right?

Things from vending machines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chocolate bars,

bolognese.

Yeah, it is quite childish actually.

Yeah, but like posh kid.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Bolognese slopping out of a vending machine.

Scooping it into your towel like that.

Well, it's delicious anyway.

I'm a fan.

Yeah.

And

also, you know, thanks for sharing the recipe because

I wouldn't have guessed there was ketchup in it.

Yeah, that's the secret ingredient.

I know someone used to put

Marmite.

Yeah, Marmite in pasta sauces is good.

People say that.

Yeah, even if it's not just the eggspoon and Marmite.

Thank you very much, Hugh.

Thanks for having me here.

Thank you, Huge.

Well, James.

Oh, sorry, the boy.

No, do not call me that.

I'm a man.

Don't cry.

I'm a man.

Well, that was a very enlightening chat with Hugh Davies.

Yeah, enlightening.

What?

About who?

Yeah.

Not about Hugh, about some of the perves out there.

I love that.

Brilliant.

And you know what?

His menu, even though, I mean, he was worried it was disgusting.

I guess it was like, if you read it on a sheet of paper, you'd be like, that feels pretty basic.

But then the way he described the spaghetti bolognese, obviously,

crispy duck pancakes, always a winner.

Yeah.

Doughballs are classic.

I think, you know, if I didn't know what was coming, if I sat down and said, someone said, do you want some doughballs and pizza spots?

I'm saying yes.

Yes.

I eat them.

If they then say to me, oh, do you want some Krispy Doke pancakes?

Yes.

Yes.

I eat those.

Do you want homemade spaghetti bolognese?

Yes.

So, like, I'm not, if I see it all on one, I'm like, I'm not eating that as a meal.

But if you're asking me as we're going along, do you now want a festive pasty from Greggs?

Yeah, I'll try that.

Like, so, like, and ending on the deep-fried chocolate bar?

Yeah, there you go.

Can't argue with it.

So I'd do it.

Yeah, and he didn't say cubed feta.

He didn't say cubed feta.

I don't even know.

I mean, you know, when he said there was a secret ingredient in the spag bowl i was like i hope it's not the secret ingredient imagine if it was cubed fetter that'd be horrible in spagbowl to be fair yeah but you know so's cream and someone did that yeah yeah someone came on the podcast and chose that didn't they quite a weird guy though yeah quite an odd person odd person yeah

um huge has two podcasts slime country which we heard quite a lot about in this episode uh with ed night and sunil patel as well uh where they obviously have a section where they read fanfic out yep um i'd imagine that some people will be going to seek that specific episode out.

I imagine some people will be seeking that episode.

Yes.

Also, the film quiz podcast with Nick Helm, Huge does that as well.

Love a film quiz.

Yes, you do love a film quiz, actually.

So, yes, very excited about that.

Yeah, it's good.

I know which one of the two podcasts I'd rather listen to personally.

And Hugh is a brilliant stand-up, as we say.

So go and follow him on social media.

James, boy, thank you for another lovely episode.

Thank you, Ed.

And I guess I'll see you later when I let myself in.

I need my keys back.

Thank you.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

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oh hi james have you heard the news oh yeah go on you and i are modern boys because the off menu podcast is now on youtube this is embarrassing why is it embarrassing man you love youtube i love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed, people have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance nuance on our little faces.