Ep 248: Huge Davies

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Speaker 1 Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast. Taking the grated cheese of humor, putting it onto the plate of the internet, sticking it under the grill of chat.
Cheese on a plate. Charlotte Church.

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Shout out. That is a gamble.
My name is James Zacaster. We own a dream restaurant.

Speaker 1 We invite a guest in every single week and ask them their favorite ever start of main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Hugh Davies.
Davies. Davies.

Speaker 1 Davies. Huge Davies.
Brilliant comic. Does

Speaker 1 musical stuff on stage as well.

Speaker 1 So there's some of my favorite comedy songs ever. Yes.
I love it. The dry wit of this boy.
Very dry boy.

Speaker 1 but yeah, his his musical comedy is my favorite sort of musical comedy because it's it's perfectly intertwined with the stand-up. It just feels like a proper good stand-up performance.

Speaker 1 Like the closest person I can think of is like is Bill Bailey, yeah, who does like amazing stand-up and is very proficient. It all flows into the songs, which then flows into the next routine.

Speaker 1 Fantastic stuff. Really good stuff.
Not sure what Hugh's eating habits are. No.
What he likes to eat. So very excited to hear.
Get some answers to our questions. He has a poddy.

Speaker 1 He has a potty, to be fair. Slime Country that he does with Ed Knight and Sunil Patel.
Yep. And he also does the Film Quiz podcast with Nick Helm as well.
So do listen to that. Yes.

Speaker 1 Look, we will kick him out, though, if there's a secret ingredient, which we've decided upon now. Yes, if he says a secret ingredient, we're kicking him out.
And the secret ingredient this week is

Speaker 1 cubed fetter. Pre-cubed fetter.
Pre-cubed fetter. This, of course, comes from our chat with Florence Pugh that we had.
Yep. Where we laid into pre-cubed fetter.
Yeah, the two of you hated it.

Speaker 1 I didn't know you could get feta in any other form. Yes.

Speaker 1 But, you know, really glad when stuff comes up on the pod in the chats now, when a guest says they really hate something because we can use that as a secret ingredient in the future.

Speaker 1 Exactly. It's very important.
So I guess, you know, if he says pre-cubed fetter, do we get Florence Pugh to kick him out? I think so. We'll get Pugh in.
Yeah. She can kick out Huge.
Yeah. No.

Speaker 1 And then take over his episode? Yeah, then she gets another meal. Absolutely fine.
Without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Hughes Davies.

Speaker 1 Welcome, Hugh, to the Dream Restaurant. Good evening.
Huge!

Speaker 1 Huge Davies! Ooh! Ah!

Speaker 1 I want to know, whoa, whoa, whoa, what food do you like?

Speaker 1 Now, you've not actually come out the lump yet, so...

Speaker 1 Is that the way the genie comes out in this one? What's the dream that's trying to do Davis? It's better to do for some time.

Speaker 1 Okay, goodness. What's the genie look like? However, you want me to look like that.
It's your dream. It's your dream.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 You don't want to know what I want the genie to look like. I do.
I think I do, definitely. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Kind of like

Speaker 1 loads of too many arms, like a spider.

Speaker 1 So eight arms? No, like like three spiders altogether. Like, like, like, maybe like, what, 32 legs? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great. 32 legs.

Speaker 1 big mouth as as large as the spider's body okay yeah yeah yeah yeah horrible really like greasy too yeah dripping for the grease

Speaker 1 uh like a like a jet black but there's sort of like pink in there you can't tell it's flesh or you can see pink in the colour can you see pink in the mouth uh no the mouth the mouth is also black as night yeah it's a void it's almost hypnotized you like look into it and you're like it's like looking into forever do you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah yeah and the genius says it doesn't even speak english can't even make it out what it is it's just like a wit it's like a rough wind yeah yeah so it's sort of like like a sort of pennywise's real form yeah yeah yeah yeah and that's why i want yeah i'm not wearing any clothing what the spider don't be don't be mad

Speaker 1 what clothing are you finding for

Speaker 1 eight arms and 32 legs i guess stuff that has eight arms and 32 legs

Speaker 1 are not off the rack mate no no probably not off the rack actually peace tk max they've got loads of that yeah they do actually yeah we've got to go to the back of tk max and we've got all that stuff yeah well i mean it's a disturbing beginning Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's not often this early in the podcast where someone says when you're looking into the mouth, it feels like you're looking into forever.
Yeah. It's a disturbing podcast, man.

Speaker 1 People don't know. It's not been filmed, is it? Yes.
Yes. Oh, okay.
Well,

Speaker 1 you don't.

Speaker 1 If you're listening, you won't believe what it looks like in here. It's crazy.
You do the podcast studios in like...

Speaker 1 It's in the top of a warehouse, like an office, and the podcast is a big window here, and we're like looking out over the warehouse. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And there's just loads of kids in there making off-menu merch yeah and then they're all that all of them look like bonito they're all clones they're all little clones in the breaks uh acaster goes down and screams at them yeah he disciplines them like in my spider form yeah like mrs tweety and chicken run yeah it's pretty much yeah i mean yeah one or the other spider form or mrs tweety and chicken run it's horrible yeah yeah it's really the screaming yeah can't hear it through so it's good merch check it out on the website yeah check it out on the website actually all the merch yeah do you have merch yeah okay

Speaker 1 just know that it's made by small children Yeah, yeah. Maybe is it sold out? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Well, check and get it.

Speaker 1 There's kids again. Yeah.
I'm one of the kids. I break for it.

Speaker 1 This is a bit like the Hunger Games.

Speaker 1 I won, and I get to go on the pod.

Speaker 1 You're Katniss. I'm Katniss.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the only thing I know about Hunger Games.
Yeah, cool. I love Hunger Games.
Yeah?

Speaker 1 You love the Hunger Games. This podcast could have been called Hunger Games, actually.
It would have still made sense.

Speaker 1 I love Hunger Games. You couldn't have called it, though.
What? You couldn't have called it that. Why? You'd have to explain every single episode.
Well, we have to explain off menu quite a lot.

Speaker 1 Because a lot of people say off the menu. Yeah, because it does sound, I mean, we've already breached the genie and not got past that.
Yeah, so it is a strange one, yeah. It's confusing.

Speaker 1 The whole thing's confusing. I mean, we did it independently because we wouldn't have got this commissioned.
No. No, we would have got this before.
We did it before.

Speaker 1 Someone asked what the genie looks like. Oh, never mind.
Yeah. Huge has got some sketches he'd like to show you for ideas about that the genie.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Me, are you a foodie huge? Yeah, I love food. I make, I do, I got quite foody during lockdown because I lived alone for like a long time.

Speaker 1 And then basically, as a comedian, all I was doing, I was basically every day I'll get up and I would sort of delete the things out of my calendar.

Speaker 1 And then I'd get the, check my emails, see what they'd cancelled inevitably, then I'd delete them off my calendar and then I'd have the whole day. Yeah, basically.

Speaker 1 So I ended up making like so much like food, like a ridge, like I tried to make so much food. So then the next day I'd have something to clean up.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you you were basically giving yourself a chore for

Speaker 1 a job. Yeah.
So clean, clean, clean yesterday. No dishwasher.
I had a dishwasher. I'm not doing that because then it's just deleting events off your calendar.
Even more. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've never, I don't think we've ever had anyone on the podcast who cooks in order to clean. No, but also I'm worried about the next day.

Speaker 1 So you're cooking one day, eating the food, and then you've got the cleaning up the next day. Are you then cooking on the same day as the cleaning or were you only eating every other day?

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I'll take, what I'll do is I'll clean in the morning, have a nice long four-hour break, start cooking again.

Speaker 1 In order to then clean

Speaker 1 it

Speaker 1 What sort of food were you making? What was uh was it specifically dirty food or things that crust in

Speaker 1 stuff that I thought I couldn't do I think I I like I made dumplings from scratch which was like I don't know if I could do that, but it was really it was really good. I did it.

Speaker 1 I made and also each time I'm obviously making way too much because you can't just cook for a portion for one person. No, no.
Actually, interestingly, I would have lunch every, so there was I'd have

Speaker 1 my meals with a spider actually

Speaker 1 interestingly so like I there was a spider that started making a web on the on the table yeah and I initially it was like let's get rid of that yeah but I was like if the spider goes then there won't there won't be anyone else

Speaker 1 so I had lunch with a spider every day Simon no sorry sorry Dennis Simon was a different thing what was Simon

Speaker 1 the button that squashed he drew a face no that was Lloyd hang on what huge uh in lockdown got so lonely that he drew a face on a button that squashed like Wilson and he called it Lloyd and he hung out of it all the time and he pushed it around with a in a pram yeah in a pram yeah in a pram what outside outside of your house yeah we can get away with it well I was saying you know you can get away with anything if you put it in a pram

Speaker 1 I really don't think that's true no you can go to the promotion

Speaker 1 with a pram walk around the pram yeah look at it right it could be anything if the dog if it's like a dog's in there you're like that's fine yeah fine if you saw someone with a squash in there you'd be like that's like that's fine leave that person alone don't If it had a face drawn on it, yeah, I would.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 there's something very different between saying you're getting away with it and no one wants to talk to you because you look mad. Yeah.
Yeah. Also, you'll say they're going, that's fine.

Speaker 1 Leave that person alone. Yeah.
I believe they will definitely think, leave that person alone. I don't think they're thinking, that's fine.

Speaker 1 I think they're thinking, I'm going nowhere near that person, leave them alone. They're pushing a button up squash around in a pram.
I'm asking a lot of questions about this. It worked.

Speaker 1 It helped you. Yeah, it did help me through, man.

Speaker 1 So where's Lloyd now? And obviously, we're out and about again now. I buried him in the park.
You're joking. No.
I took my niece to learn about death. I can show you photos of it, yeah.

Speaker 1 It took your niece to learn about death. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She was loving it, though. Yeah.
She was digging that hole like it was Christmas morning. How old is your niece? She was at the time, she was about two and a half years old.

Speaker 1 Right, so livid that someone else is in the pram, but I'm like,

Speaker 1 you've got to walk to lift. You've got to walk.
Lloyd's going in the pram, but you can have a lift back. Get out of the pram.
It's a goddamn funeral. Use your legs.
Lloyd is dead as well. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Getting to ride in the pram. Yeah, we all.
Was Lloyd dead when you buried him? Yeah, he had a sort of what we called at the time.

Speaker 1 He was rotting.

Speaker 1 Medically, what's what you say?

Speaker 1 If you keep a squash for three months, it rots. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I couldn't do that, man. If I'd drawn a face on something, I couldn't bury it.

Speaker 1 Well, that's the thing. I didn't draw on the face.
I initially didn't draw the face on for a friend. Yeah.
I drew it on because it was so big.

Speaker 1 I thought it would be comical to, and when you were living alone, you've got to drew the face on it. For a laugh.
Yeah, put an app on it for a laugh.

Speaker 1 I forgot that detail. So you were living alone.
Yeah. Why you got a pram and nappies in your house?

Speaker 1 Such a good question.

Speaker 1 Such a good question that I hadn't even thought to ask because the rest of it is so weird anyway. So I was staying at my brother's house,

Speaker 1 who has children.

Speaker 1 He

Speaker 1 moved to his like...

Speaker 1 his mother-in-law's house because they have a bigger house and they have a dog and two kids.

Speaker 1 He was like, I need someone to water the plants. I said I'd live there.
Yeah. I did kill all the plants.

Speaker 1 Every single one, including the ones they kept from their marriage. They were like furious.
They were absolutely furious.

Speaker 1 And then even more furious when they were like, I can't believe you spent so much time. Because the squash was there when they were there too.

Speaker 1 That's why we went to the park.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I didn't want to go alone. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So your responsibility was to water the plants. You didn't do it.
No, I killed every single one of them. Every single one.

Speaker 1 They have like, honestly, I have like over 50. And instead, you were hanging out with a button squash.
Raising a squash, I'd say. I wouldn't say hanging out with a squash.
I'm not.

Speaker 1 And the spider was in the same house. Spider, yeah.
Yeah, we all lunched. We got dinner together.
Three people. We had dinner together, eating dumplings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dumplings are.

Speaker 1 You're sitting around dumplings on three separate plates.

Speaker 1 So the squash. Lloyd's got a nappy on, a face on it, and you're pushing it around in a pram.
Yeah. Then it starts rotting.
Putting the squash to bed, too. There's photos of that.
You put it into bed.

Speaker 1 Well, it's got

Speaker 1 leave in the,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 leave it alone. You can.
yeah

Speaker 1 what will happen the spider's gonna eat it get tired the next day yeah yeah you can't have that you can't have the button squash winding that's true i feel like this always like comes up but it's not it's you know what it's just lockdown man like no it's normal no no one else i know did it can you eat butternut squash now or is it like you can't do it because you had it i actually haven't you know what i actually haven't had it since yeah i don't think i'm not it wasn't like i'd i actually haven't had any yeah do you think you could would you just think of lloyd i don't think i could eat like If you liquefy it in a soup, maybe, but I couldn't have a piece of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because you'd feel like

Speaker 1 Lloyd's family. Yeah.
Yeah. I can't believe you brought up the death of my squash like that without even.

Speaker 1 When this episode comes out, I'm sure people want pictures. I will post the pictures

Speaker 1 if people want the pictures. I think people want the pictures.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 You can see it right from when I bought at the supermarket. Yeah.
It was huge, this boy. I saw this boy and I was like, you're mine.
Because I went initially to make a stock. God, God, what a time.

Speaker 1 I had not, I've, as you can tell, I've not covered like recovered in terms of socially

Speaker 1 yeah fully it's better i think it's better that you took photos i think it's less weird that you took photos if you'd done all that and not taken any photos well the photos initially were for a laugh and then i had the squash for three months yeah caring caring for it you talked to it yeah um sure i mean of course would you tell your secrets the last of us two i've been playing through that and then discussing some of the after because it's a hard it's a hard uh hard hard playthrough emotionally yeah i wish the last of us TV show instead of Joel and Ellie it was you and Lloyd the squash

Speaker 1 I'd watch that going around with the

Speaker 1 you're like

Speaker 1 Lloyd Lloyd's immune

Speaker 1 yeah he's a fucking squash imagine he is

Speaker 1 so we always start with still a sparkling water huge still are not mental you think I honestly think people have a sparkling water are insane yeah yeah what what about sparkling water do you think it just just tastes like nothing and everything at the same time.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? You just want, you want, you want nothing and everything.
Just, just, just, it's what have water. Have, just have what is nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Tastes of absolutely nothing and

Speaker 1 just have water. Yeah.
I just don't understand. I used to go out with somebody who had a one of those, you know, you make...
Soda stream. Yeah, soda stream there.

Speaker 1 And she'd have like a bottle of it every day. Yeah.
She was quite nice, but honestly, I just liked her. It really pushed me over the edge.
Yeah. You know, like when we quite nice can i just check

Speaker 1 your girlfriend i don't normally have to do this can i can i just check this was a human and not a courgette with eyelashes stuff stuck on it you'd kiss every night

Speaker 1 i take her out my motorcycle in a sidecar

Speaker 1 holding hands in the park yeah i but yeah looping back to she was quite nice but every time it's more than my but i think

Speaker 1 she was quite nice

Speaker 1 about even an excuse when he talked about them like that

Speaker 1 it's more that it's my phone fault because I asked to taste it every time. Because you know, you go, can I have some of that every single evening? No, no, we're talking about you say

Speaker 1 she was quite nice. Not the slight

Speaker 1 we get that you didn't like the fizzy warmth. Well, I think she was, she was, she was, she was really nice.
It's more that

Speaker 1 it was, she was really nice. It's more that the

Speaker 1 soda stream, like, complete. I was like...
Was that like a red flag? Could you tell that it wasn't going to last? I can't sustain that. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't.
Yeah. I just couldn't.

Speaker 1 So I just having flashbacks now. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Even if I was like, I was like, we could put some like, we could put something else in there, make a taste of something. She'd be like, no, I just want everything and nothing at the same time.

Speaker 1 It's too much going on. It's not a relaxing drink.
It's intense.

Speaker 1 It is intense. I do understand that.
But some people want that level of intensity, you know? No, not for me, man. Not for you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you had to choose a vegetable to be your girlfriend, what vegetable would you choose?

Speaker 1 He's really thinking about it. For the listener.
He's really thinking about this. Well, ideally, you want, I'd say squash again because I did look at it.

Speaker 1 You can't do squashing that end.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I actually looked up what vegetables last the longest without rotting. So I knew that there was an end to Lloyd.
I don't want a vegetable that rots within like a few weeks.

Speaker 1 You know, you don't want even like a potato is going to go in like a month. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, you want the, I think barnett squash lasts the longest.

Speaker 1 And ideally, I'd like the longest relationship. Yeah, I think you want the longer relationship.
Yeah, and the one that ages well.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and also, yeah, it's also difficult to, you know, the squash is a lot to you have to get rid of, you have to really cut it up and get all the crap out of it and stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But the other vegetables. I'm not getting a new one.
You'll be the Leonardo DiCaprio

Speaker 1 of vegetables. That guy would say avocado.
No, because he...

Speaker 1 Every day a new one.

Speaker 1 When he comes on and he says avocado. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 People are going to think you're really weird if your goldfed vegetable is also a squash after you had like a... What, because it resembles the mother? Because

Speaker 1 you had like a squash as like your son, was it? Lloyd? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then, and then you have a squash like goldfed later on. They're going to think, oh, he's really got a thing with squashes.
Whereas if you have a mouth. Oh, I have a type, sure.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But that makes sense because if the squash is your son. Well, the mother must be a squash.
Yeah, it can't be like a tomato, can it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 yeah but i guess yeah okay so this is but it's happening afterwards as well and i've also got the bit the pen's too big for any smaller fruit you couldn't draw a face on the on like a on a grape could you no no that's true you needed to be yeah that's not vegetable for us also but yeah you know what i mean

Speaker 1 i appreciate you not calling me after that yeah because that was easy

Speaker 1 pops or bread pop an arms or bread huge gabies pop an arms or bread bread yeah yeah nice i'm having dobles from pizza express yeah okay cool don't you chuck bread off your balcony, you told me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I hoof it.

Speaker 1 And we're, this is not in a lockdown situation, by the way. No, this was it last week.
Yeah. When we were hanging out last week.
Yeah. I hoof.

Speaker 1 I hoof bread off my balcony. I hoof it.
If it gets, I buy bread rolls and sometimes if it gets a bit stale, instead of chucking it in the bin, I hoof it. hoof it from my balcony.

Speaker 1 It goes into, I live by like a lock of water and there's loads of animals in there and I like watching them fight over it. They'll fight over the bread.
What kind of animals we're talking birds?

Speaker 1 Yeah, all kinds of birds. The fish, the two, the fish have a go as well.
They have a try. The smaller ones come in, like the little duckies.

Speaker 1 Then the geese come in, frighten the ducks, and then the swans come in. The swans, I like, because the swans, they don't, they approach very slowly.
Yeah. Like

Speaker 1 a sort of like a like a big, like bowser, like, you know, like the big ship. They can see it coming in.
And then when the bread gets small enough, they'll take it to the air. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then they'll have fight, they'll fight in the air. And I'm watching this all from my sofa, man.

Speaker 1 I don't know if the doors open, yeah, you know, yeah, it was like 20, this is like 20 minutes, and it's also hoofing as well. I love the hoof, yeah, you got a hoof, you got a hoof.

Speaker 1 What makes it a hoof rather than a throw? I put my

Speaker 1 when I kick it, my foot goes all the way back to the back of my head. Oh, sorry, you kick.

Speaker 1 I really didn't. Yeah, what do you think?

Speaker 1 I didn't put that together. I thought you were just throwing it so hard that it was like, but yeah, okay, so you kick it out of the

Speaker 1 cartoon character, like I'll do a full 360 swing, like a golf swing. That's because hoof is

Speaker 1 a horse's foot. Yes, yeah, yeah.
I should have, yeah, I should have known that's something. And then the horses come and they have a go at the bread.

Speaker 1 So you're putting them on the floor, the bread, and kicking them off the floor. No, I'm taking it from the air.

Speaker 1 You throw it. I'm doing that.
Oh, my flatmate will tee it up for me and I'll smash it.

Speaker 1 It sounds quite dangerous in terms of getting on one leg, spinning the other leg around, and you're on a bowl. Not the way I hoof, baby.
No, no. Not the way I do.
Save hoof. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Plus, it's going to either go straight out of the window or just hit the ceiling.

Speaker 1 I'll just pick it up again, again hoof it again yeah i will say that i've never not hoofed i've always done it first time always always how far do you think you could hoof a dobol a pizza express dobulum oh that's hard actually because they're quite light aren't they you have to wait for it to get a bit drier because yeah

Speaker 1 and then also you'd have to have so many of them that you wouldn't immediately go through them at one time you know you've never you wouldn't save a doball you'd have to have so many that you couldn't shove any more down your gullet yeah yeah because a fresh dobo if you hoof that it's not it's not flying straight is it that's like it's gonna be like a wiffle ball actually actually i might yeah i actually might do the doughball because they they the the birds would never had anything that good yeah

Speaker 1 would you dip would you dip in garlic butter before you hoofed

Speaker 1 yeah actually yeah i would yeah yeah just just ruin my flat just explodes

Speaker 1 horrible doughball explodes on my foot in my flat then if you could what if you could like fill the lock with garlic butter and then kick the doughballs into that

Speaker 1 yeah but that's too good for the birds too good for the birds it'd be slicking and they're sliding all over the place it'd be like um shell all over again

Speaker 1 Yeah, it'd be videos of people cleaning birds. People chucks together to make their third statement of the year.

Speaker 1 I'm so coming out of the restaurant, getting everyone cups of tea.

Speaker 1 I'd love those doughballs, obviously. Yeah, I'm trying to think if someone's chosen them as the breadcourse.
I think they have. But like

Speaker 1 people love them. Ivo Graham chose it.
No, okay.

Speaker 1 Of course. That was the highlight of his menu.
Would you share doughballs with Ivo Graham? Yeah, sure, man. I mean, he's always asking me about the squash, too, so maybe not.
He is? No, no, he's not.

Speaker 1 No, no,

Speaker 1 I'd share dobles with Graham. You can't really...
I mean, I once, I took, I was on a date with someone who's from Australia and they'd never had the dobles before.

Speaker 1 And I took them to Petersburg, and they were blown away. She was quite nice.
Yeah, she was quite nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Ivo Graham had a double portion.
How do you feel about that? Adopio. A doppio.
Well, I'm not going to say it's wrong. He's just by himself, not sharing.
Yeah, apparently, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are these menus, like, are they just like realistically you eat them in one sitting? It's up to you, really, because we've had guests who... What do we

Speaker 1 who do who say part of their dream in the dream restaurant is that they won't get full oh okay so they can eat oh they've got to dream restaurant too yeah piles of stuff and so i can do that as well can i yeah if you want yeah okay if it's your dream how many dobols can you get through as a starter realistically and then how how many do you want in the dream restaurant i've never tried to get as because it's you know i don't i'm not made of money you know i'm not gonna see how many i can get yeah i reckon i could do i could do double as well actually yeah thinking about it i probably

Speaker 1 toba great yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 Let's get your doppia. Okay, we'll get your doppier.
Yeah, yeah. The doppio comes with other dips as well.

Speaker 1 This thing with the bread, though, I feel like it's like going beyond bread now. You could be like, technically, you could have a pizza now, couldn't you? Yes.

Speaker 1 Here people say pizza. I had the garlic bread with cheese and marmite from Yard Sale, which is in a pizza format.
Okay. So, yeah, I had a pizza for it.
I think I found a hack.

Speaker 1 I mean, we're open to hacks. We're open to hacks.
You know, but I think the Doughboards is a good shelter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's good. I think it's a good idea.
I did think of that on the the way here. I was going to say Poppadom's initially, but then I thought of the Doughboards on the way.

Speaker 1 I was pretty proud of myself. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your Dream Starter. Dream Starter.
I don't know if you've had this before. I couldn't think of anything better.
It's crispy, aromatic, dark pancakes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Russell Howard chose these. Oh, really? Do you want to share them with Russell Howard? Yeah, I would.
Nice little get-together, actually.

Speaker 1 Not this time, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. I just think there's no better combination of flavours.

Speaker 1 I just think, I was trying to think of a bet a better one and I can't think of a single one. I'm always in the mood.
I'm never not in the mood. I'm going to try and make an aromatic duck.
Are you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, from scratch soon. I'm going to turn to him with bread from

Speaker 1 like a line of bread rolls. Crispy aromatic duckies.
We just go down to where they are. Yeah.
Hoof the roll into your house. Yeah.
Opposite hoof. And then they all fly in there.

Speaker 1 And then you've got your...

Speaker 1 There's a bit in my flat as well where you go in and it's like a it's like an airlock.

Speaker 1 So you have to go in there and then you go into my flat through another door that'll be where the you get most that's the aromatic bit do you know so

Speaker 1 steam steam it in there for yeah yeah yeah and then through to the main kitchen very clever yeah thought about this man i mean i i hate to bring up pizza express again but i went to pizza express not too long ago with some friends not as not not not as squash

Speaker 1 some friends and I

Speaker 1 saw the menu and they there was a crispy dark hoisin hoisin pizza yeah on the menu and I was like that's incredible that a restaurant has managed to spit on two cultures at the same time yeah I've had one of those but not from Pizza Express I had one from Bella Italia when I was at university yeah yeah how do you find it that was fucking filth I mean yeah of course I mean obviously I loved it yeah yeah well that's the thing you I ordered it as like a kind of like try and bring try and bring me this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see how bad this can get.

Speaker 1 And then they brought it and they, but they, before they came up to me and went, we were out at duck because it's so popular obviously yeah yeah yeah and they said do you mind if you replace the duck with chicken i went yeah you make it worse yeah wow yeah go on make it worse in chicken yeah hoistin chicken and this thing came out and it was like it was jarring it was and then they they also put get this the raw cucumber and raw spring onions on the top of the pizza with a hoistin drizzle and i was i was sitting there i was almost i was like i was laughing i was laughing at this pizza we were all laughing at the pizza and then i had a bite and i was like it still works.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you're like.

Speaker 1 It still works. Was it a tomato? Was it like a normal tomato base pizza? It can't be.
Can't be. I refuse to beat it.
No, it was actually the one I had was Hoisin base. I think it's Hoisin base.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Hoisin base. Yeah, with Hoisin on the top.
But duck and cheese, man. But I honestly think.
It works. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like it's the thing, it's like one of the only Asian kind of things you can have on a pizza, surely. Like a dish you can have.
Think of another like Asian

Speaker 1 dish you can put in a pizza. You can't do a spot here.
Chicken katsu curry. Wontons.
I'd have a wonton pizza. Yeah, but that's not a that's not a meal, is it?

Speaker 1 It's not a flavoured combination of wonton. Chicken katsu curry.
On a pizza. Yeah, you could put the like the fried chicken

Speaker 1 and then drizzle over curry sauce. I'd have it.

Speaker 1 I know you'd have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'd have it. James, I'd have it.
Okay, fine. I don't think I would.
No, yeah. It's funny to say I'd have it.

Speaker 1 Let's talk more about this duck, though. Because I think it's a great choice.
Yeah. We need to know how you're building it.
So you've got you start with the pancake. Start pancake in the mouth.
Okay.

Speaker 1 In the mouth. No, so pancake on the floor.
Yeah. You lay them on the floor.
Be respectful. Be respectful.
Have it on the floor.

Speaker 1 And then I'm covering it in sauce. And I like, you know, like when you order it sometimes and they give you like a really measly.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I finally found a place where they just, they overload you with the sauce. And I actually have bought it.
You can buy the paste and you can make it yourself.

Speaker 1 I have it as a backup in case they don't provide enough. You bring it with you in a little vial.
Bring it with me. I'm having this at home, man.
I'm not, the amount of...

Speaker 1 I'm not eating duck in public.

Speaker 1 You know? Interesting. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So what are you, are you ordering? Because obviously you can get quarters, you can get halves. Yeah.
I'm getting a lot.

Speaker 1 I'm getting like a full. I'm getting a full duck.
You get a full duck? No, I don't,

Speaker 1 like, if I've rewarded myself, I'll get like a full. I'll get like a full duck and not order anything else.
Like I normally would have other things, but if I've had a big day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And by a big day, I mean I've completed a gig. Yeah.
Well done. Yeah.
I've managed to carry the keyboard back and forth to the gig. Yeah.
And I'll get it. I'll get a whole point.

Speaker 1 I'm in so much debt yeah yeah i'm in a lot of debt yeah i will i will sometimes just have a full crispy duck great

Speaker 1 how many pancakes you're talking for a full crispy well you normally get a packet per quarter so it's four packets yeah yeah um yeah and i will i will demolish that and we're going pancake cover it in sauce yep and then if two like maybe it depends on again it depends on how many cucumbers they give you i always buy spare i always buy spare cucumber yeah so i'm having i'm this thing is disgusting by the time you've you've wrapped it up.

Speaker 1 It's a lot. I'm having like two blocks of cucumber per half side of the pancake.
So it's like four big bits of cucumber, loads and loads of spring onions, like jam packet full of duck.

Speaker 1 This thing is like, you almost can't close it. Yeah.
You know. And you're doing that maybe 16, 17 times.
A week, yeah. Yeah.
It's more like a pasta for a pan. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you doing them all individually when you get a whole duck? Or are you lining up all the pancakes, making them all and then going to town like you want to do? No, I'm making them one by one.

Speaker 1 I used to pride myself as a kid that i could i was like i felt like i was you know like when you see like someone make a crap suzette in a restaurant they're like and i get they bring up the guy and then he does the yeah he does the thing that's what i thought i looked like when i was making pancakes i would make pancakes for my family as a kid yeah like if i got johnny's takeaway you'd be the pancake yeah i'd be the pancake guy and i'd be disheartened

Speaker 1 like when you say as a kid probably like seven years old seven years old you make the duck pancakes yeah pride yourself on it yeah yeah yeah yeah even though if i may say your technique of making the pancakes sounds dreadful What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Well, you're putting too much stuff in it. Yeah, too much stuff.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry, immediately. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry. Just forgot how I make pancakes for a second.
Yeah. It makes sense for a seven-year-old to make them like that, to be fair.

Speaker 1 To not alter your technique at all. No, you better get into your

Speaker 1 cheese now.

Speaker 1 It's bad. I have to unhinge my jaw like a bow constrictor.

Speaker 1 Eat it as a whole as it is. It's just duck pancakes now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I didn't have breakfast.
It's a night. I'm at breakfast.
This is the second episode we've done today.

Speaker 1 My stomach's starting to go. Yeah.
Starting to make it. I did offer to bring in the food.

Speaker 1 Well, you didn't. You turned up and you said, I thought about bringing the food.
Well, that's what an offer is to me.

Speaker 1 Google what offer means. No, no, I will stick to it.
I offered it. Also, interesting, what you said was, oh, I was going to make all the food and bring it in.

Speaker 1 And so far, you've got Pizza Express Doughbulls and Krispy Duck from a Chinese takeaway. You can buy those things from shops.
Yeah, but that's not making, is it?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Well, we'll see.
We'll see as many people. I kind of think it would have been easier to get.

Speaker 1 Of course, there's a microwave bullas onions.

Speaker 1 Make it from scratch, baby. Make it from scratch.

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Speaker 1 Let's get on to your main course. What is the main course?

Speaker 1 Spaghetti bolognese. Really? Really? Yeah.
You're just bringing some absolute classics to the tablet. I was thinking about some of the crazier things that I've eaten.

Speaker 1 And I just think it comes back to... I do not.
It's like... I always think your favourite film is the one you've seen, you've watched the most.
And I've probably had the most.

Speaker 1 I had spaghetti bolognese so often because I love it so much. Yeah.
And I think, see the way that I make it as well, I love the way that I make it. I finally got it down to a tea.

Speaker 1 I also have, like, you know, like, I don't eat like a lot of food apart from duck. Right.
Like, but like, I normally, I feel like I eat like a normal amount of food.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm not one of those people that's like, you know, like men will say that. Like, I just eat like so much of it and I get the spiciest thing.
And I don't have any of that.

Speaker 1 But with spaghetti bolognese, oh man, I'm, I'm eating a lot. I'm eating a lot.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, it's something about it that you can just, I almost, you don't have to, you don't have to swallow, like chew, right?

Speaker 1 you can just pretty much shove it like i had bolognese last week with my flat mate and she has a normal portion she automatically put mine into a salad bowl

Speaker 1 and then i had three salad bowls of it so i filled each port i said there was like nine three per three portions in a salad bowl i'd say and then three then two more of them portions of spooky yeah we think about 10 because then i eat the rest out of the pot yeah well i mean this is you've already gone up in my estimation because i immediately imagine you eating it directly from the pan when you said spaghetti.

Speaker 1 No, it's the pan is after. That's for dessert.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's my treat at the end of. I mean, look, who doesn't love spaghetti, but spaghetti butter? But it's not even like, I don't even realise I'm, it's not even like I'm trying.

Speaker 1 Like she's like, it's like you look, I look down and three salad bowls have gone. And I'm not even full.
Like she's like, stop it. You have to have, you have to leave some for the week.

Speaker 1 Because I do it as a batch cook. Yeah.
I end up having all of it. And you eat all of it in the one go.
I thought I was like the treats of broccoli pasta in the lockdowns, man.

Speaker 1 I'd make that pasta and I was very shocked at how much yeah i would just like just keep going yeah um i'm like that with marmite pasta there you go what marmite pasta i must have told you about my marmite pasta i didn't know i didn't know you did so much marmite all the time i love marmite pasta what do you mean if you look if you've got nothing in apart from some spaghetti and marmite and butter a bit of cheese if you've got it it's delicious i feel physically sick oh man there's no way you've told me about this boil the pasta did you know about this boil the pasta

Speaker 1 get a little pan going butter in the pan as much butter as you like Big old serving spoonful of marmite into the pan. Sort of melt it down, emulsify it a bit.
With the butter. Bit of the pasta water.

Speaker 1 A bit of cheese if you want. Sort of just get that all going.
A bit like a cachio pepe.

Speaker 1 Get that all go in the sauce and then dump the cooked spaghetti into the pan. Mix it all up.
And

Speaker 1 with marmalade. Marmite with marmite.
Marmite with marmite. Yeah.
Marmite with marmalade. Have you had it?

Speaker 1 I've had marmite with peanut butter. I don't think I've had marmite with marmalade.
Have marmite with marmalade. Yeah.
You'll love it. my dad's.
It's my dad's like thing. He makes people...

Speaker 1 When I used to have people sleep over at mine, he'd be like, have a bit of this. Yeah.
I'd try it and they'll love it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can imagine it working. Yeah, yeah.
It's really good.

Speaker 1 What's the ratios?

Speaker 1 Like not a lot of Marmite as you would normally do and then like a normal amount of normal both normal. This is spread onto like toast.
Yeah, yeah. This is not just like a...
Yeah, not your hands.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I thought it was like a spoon. No, no, no, no.
Yeah, sorry on toast. I will say that.
Not a spoon of Marmite, and then you spoon into the marmalade. Yeah, you eat it like a really

Speaker 1 horrible. Not everything I eat is horrible.

Speaker 1 Okay, so far.

Speaker 1 Is your dad called Massive Davis?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's bad stuff.

Speaker 1 It's good stuff. Yeah.
Oh, I love it. Yeah, okay, cool.

Speaker 1 I'm playing to the room. But my dad is Ivo Graham.

Speaker 1 Fair enough. We both go to Pizza's press all the time together.
Is this your spaghetti bolognese that you make? So with the salad bowls, that was for the human meal.

Speaker 1 You you want your own yeah i want mine's i want mine's talkers for it yeah

Speaker 1 any little signature twists in the huge davis bowl um i do have a secret ingredient but i don't think it's that man come on you said you got this kind of a fine art people are gonna be wanting to make this at home so first thing i'm doing is i'm cutting up a lot of celery i'm cutting a lot of carrots i'm cutting a lot of uh white onions i do it in front of i like it takes ages to do it and i'll cut it up in front of like a in front of like a film i'll do it like whilst i'm so that when i'm c cooking spaghetti bolognese i'll put it in the diary do you know what i mean yeah it'll take up like three hours to do this thing thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I cut all that down.
I then like put that into a big pot, like a big pot. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I'm getting that down so it's all like, you know, it will, I don't know what the word is, but, you know, until it gets good. And then I'm, then I'm shoving in mince.

Speaker 1 So it's pork mince and beef mince. Yeah, delicious.
So you've got it because you, because of the fat, right? Yeah. Yeah.
And then I read about that. And then I'm putting in, so this is controversial.

Speaker 1 No tomatoes. No, no, no canned tomatoes in it.
Okay. No tinned tomatoes.

Speaker 1 I put in tomato puree a whole one of those also a whole tube of tomato puree yeah man you're not seeing the pot man right the pot's huge right yeah the pot's gay it's a big boy yeah and then i've always put wine as well like a baby bath or something

Speaker 1 Lloyd's in there too. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bobbing around and marinating Lloyd and realize that you've got a squash on your t-shirt. Oh my god, yeah.
My goodness. Ed's wearing a t-shirt that has

Speaker 1 five different squashes on it. Let's see one of the one that Lloyd most represents.
Can I see the other one? Yeah. As long as you are looking at that.
Those are kind of pumpkins aren't it?

Speaker 1 I'm thinking of Lloyd and not thinking about your potential.

Speaker 1 Lloyd is the closest to the right, I think, the pale one. The pale one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he was longer, obviously. Much better.
RIP. Yeah.
Yeah. RIP, Lloyd.
So you're putting in a whole tube of the...

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then I'm getting that all together. I'm cooking this over like a long period.
I'm putting also in red wine, a lot of red wine. Yeah.
Want it to taste good.

Speaker 1 Then once that's all down, yeah, I forgot to put garlic in the mill, obviously, loads of garlic, like too much garlic. I always found that when you put the amount of garlic they

Speaker 1 people recommend, it's never a good thing. Yeah, because all these things are like the recipes are for the most average person, right? Yeah.
So put in just like a whole

Speaker 1 thing of garlic. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Cooking that down. Then I put in like loads of stock, vegetable or chicken, it doesn't matter.
Then I'm sticking in like some spices like oregano. And then I'm putting a bay leaf in.

Speaker 1 I'm then adding tomato ketchup. Wow.

Speaker 1 Is this a sugar ingredient? You shun the canned tomatoes and now you're putting ketchup in. Yeah.
I was with you all the way. Because you need a bit of sugar in there, but

Speaker 1 you don't want to put some sugar in, so I put in tomato ketchup to make it sugary, but also a bit of tomato. Do you know what adds a natural sweetness? Canned tomatoes.

Speaker 1 No, but I said I know tomatoes in there because I want to be edgy.

Speaker 1 I'm saying...

Speaker 1 Is it because you want to be edgy? Is it because you just discovered? I mean, was this something that was like

Speaker 1 my dad says that you're not meant to put in

Speaker 1 like tinned tomatoes into a bolognese.

Speaker 1 But I don't know what he he knows because i don't think they have that there i don't think they have a bolognaise in it's not a thing is it didn't we make that i'm interested about this bolognese because the tomato things spun me out not having tinned tomatoes in it like

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 ketchup um you've i was gonna you know what i knew that would be a response i was gonna make it as i said yeah but i could be asked can be asked yeah fair enough big pan so but is this that is that the end of the ingredients now after ketchup ketchup's the final thing let me think well you always you you make it you yeah, but for a long time, and then, but you're putting in loads of pasta water into it to keep it up.

Speaker 1 So you just keep cooking it until it like sort of becomes like a lovely bolognese sludge. Here's my question.
And, you know, no judgment. Salt and pepper as well.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 Loads of salt and pepper, obviously. No judgment either way, huge.
Yeah. When you eat it.
I feel like I'd say something very judgmental. No, are you putting the spaghetti into a bowl?

Speaker 1 and then putting the bolognese on top and then just sort of eating it like that or are you mixing it all up and like chopping the the spaghetti up and stuff you boil the spaghetti in a big pot as well and then you you like you spoon in a few spoons of the bolognese you mix that through with a bit of olive oil as well well you're putting the pasta straight into the bolognese and mixing it

Speaker 1 bolognese into the pasta so in the in the pot that you've got the pasta in you're putting the bolognese in the pot of of um

Speaker 1 of of the pasta and then you're like swelling that around a bit so it sort of coats the pasta and then because people are fussy, what you do is you put the pasta on the plates and then you put an extra dollop of sauce on top.

Speaker 1 Because people like having the sauce on top.

Speaker 1 You finish with Parmesan. Oh, yeah, you also put Parmesan in the sauce as well.
You put it in, but oh, I forgot Basil as well. Putting Basil in the sauce.
So you top with Basil Parmesan.

Speaker 1 I was worried there wasn't going to be a dollop because I like the dollop. If anything, I actually prefer plain spaghetti with the dollop on the top.
And then I have the choice to mix in if I want.

Speaker 1 And then I can just have just sauce or just a plain bit of spaghetti.

Speaker 1 I like to be a DJ of my my own dinner no

Speaker 1 i want it all mixed up i hate

Speaker 1 to have child i hate what are you talking about i hate having that thing

Speaker 1 do you want it all cut up for you as well and get it for you a special bob the builder fork i would love that i can imagine you have it in like a segmented plate yeah what

Speaker 1 why would i need it in a segmented plate it's all mixed together yeah no all the different bits so it's i would like that's ed would like that oh yeah maybe yeah no because i like what the different

Speaker 1 segmented plates i like to be able i could start at the edge and work my way in delicious yeah no i want

Speaker 1 make every bit of spaghetti to be covered in that bolognese that's you're spreading the sauce

Speaker 1 spaghetti you see you're spreading you're literally spreading it too thin that's why i was very on board with the dollop going on top of people people don't like it when you do that when you when you mix the sauce in with the spaghetti i'm fine with like the way huge is doing it

Speaker 1 well me too so it's all mixed together and everyone's then a dollop on the top great the way you just described is revolting isn't it the worst thing you have ever had on this podcast isn't the spaghetti get quite like it

Speaker 1 gets claggy? Doesn't it matter? If you just have to mind a bit of clag, but then you can also declag with the sauce as you wish. But you can just declag with the sauce, but no.

Speaker 1 Nah, but I want the option. Okay, fine.
I'm not going to tell you how to

Speaker 1 span. Just like mummy used to make.

Speaker 1 Your muma didn't used to make it like that. Yeah, she did.
Well, your mama doesn't animate spaghetti bolt nose, man. I think you can tell her that.
Yeah. Did you listen to the podcast?

Speaker 1 My mum is the mum of Mama Mia.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah,

Speaker 1 but that was good stuff. I like the way.
I'll probably try the the way you do it, actually.

Speaker 1 I think it's the most I've disagreed with it on the podcast. Really?

Speaker 1 The way he has spaghetti bolognese. I've never heard that before, and it's distressing to me.
Is it because it's like in your, that's well, the way a cartoon spaghetti bolognese? Maybe. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you like to live in a cartoon.

Speaker 1 It looks safe in the cartoon, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm getting the sense that the main thing is choice. And Ed wants it to be his choice.
Also, I don't mind the taste of plain pasta, so you get a little bit of that.

Speaker 1 And sometimes I just want to take a big spoonful of ragu off the top if you came to my house and I made you spaghetti bolognese but I did it in a way that wasn't if it was like all mixed in like James has it yeah would you would you have would you eat it or would you

Speaker 1 eat it

Speaker 1 splat splat the duckies are eating that

Speaker 1 or you have I'm sure it's lovely would you sit down with your marmite spaghetti and have just bare plain spaghetti and then a dollop of the

Speaker 1 stuff on top of me because it's not the it's too thin a sauce that's like a catcho pepper you've got to mix it all together. So you're covering the pasta.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But if it's like a thick, lovely, thick, slow-cooked ragu, I want to be able to experience that unadulterated rather than the thin coverings and bits of mints here and there. I want a mouthful of it.

Speaker 1 You're doing it wrong, man. I also put pancetta in it.
Okay, fine.

Speaker 1 I don't put pancetta in it. Maybe I should do that.

Speaker 1 Nice little try. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, big, big ones. The little cubes.
Yeah. The cube panchetta.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay, fine. Okay, that's a good addition.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to like the sound of that.
No. I just love it.
I just love, I think it is the only thing that I can, I can get hoof.

Speaker 1 I can hoof, you can hoof the, you can hoof the spaghetti, you can hoof down without, like, there's no end, there's no end to it. Well, okay, but now we're talking about hoofing it down.

Speaker 1 And earlier, when I didn't know what hoofing meant, it was like, uh, the hoof of a horse, come on, man. But, like, I've never seen a horse with its hoof put food in its mouth.

Speaker 1 I like lift the food up in its, but with the hoof and feed itself. Huge eats with his feet.
He kicks his food into his mouth. Yeah.
Huge. On the floor.
I I gather it in like a, again, like a spider.

Speaker 1 I gather it in, like a trapdoor spider. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, fair enough then.
I'm really happy with that selection, though. Bologna's.
Do you have bolognese before? I was worried that because it's...

Speaker 1 I think we must have done, but I'm sorry. I think someone has.
I'll tell you what. When you said it, I was like, boring in my head.
But then when you described

Speaker 1 and all that, I was like. yeah, this is.

Speaker 1 I think it's just so comforting. I just love, I just love it.

Speaker 1 I can't, I just, I thought of other dishes that I could have maybe said, like I was going to maybe go for like these fish tacos that I do that I really like.

Speaker 1 But I just think there's nothing I look forward to more than a spag. You can't go crispy duck pancakes into fish tacos because then you're just everything is kind of like

Speaker 1 it's too many wraps. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're just making, and I can only imagine how full you make those fish tacos. Yeah, no, it's disgusting.
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 There's not even like a finish to it. I just tack on.
I like, it's like human centipede. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I tack on the duck pancakes straight onto the tacos yeah and the snake continues spilling into one another yeah

Speaker 1 does anyone put bolognese so there you go you're in pretty good company uh kind of so joe kind of or joe thomas's bolognese that he chose was his own as well but he added cream to it what yeah yeah that so that that's part of his recipe is that you would put cream

Speaker 1 cream in the bolognaise

Speaker 1 What cooled us down? Well,

Speaker 1 too spicy for me. Spicy.
Is this this white he made it for johnny sweet and simon bird

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 i mean stanley tootchees mother's lasagna bolognese yeah that's the other end of the scale there pretty delicious pretty high end uh rosie from flow and joan also had it yeah but all making their own and marilynvice cup which i couldn't remember was marilyn in rice yeah there's a lot of things in marilyn rice cups interviewed that um sort of stand out further than her actual food options yeah yeah

Speaker 1 Dream side dish.

Speaker 1 The festive bake from Gregg's. Okay.

Speaker 1 We always say it doesn't matter if a menu goes together necessarily, it's just all of your favorite things, but this is a funny old combination.

Speaker 1 I was thinking as I was, I was, this is less of a cohesive menu, more of a tough mudder for your stomach. Yeah, do you know what I mean? See if you can make it.

Speaker 1 Which I love the festive bake from Greg's. Never had it.
Never had it. Don't even know what's in it.

Speaker 1 You can imagine. Can't wait to hear it.
Wow. You can imagine.
Let's guess. Let's let James guess what he thinks in the festive bake.
So, okay.

Speaker 1 Inside the festive bake. Turkey, cranberry sauce, stuffing?

Speaker 1 Pigs in blankets kind of deal. Yes, right animal.
So there's like pork in there. Ham, right? Ham.
I don't think there's ham in there. Like gambling.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 are they putting vegetables in there? Is there some like... Carrots and parsnips and stuff?

Speaker 1 I think... It's like creamy, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, from what I remember.

Speaker 1 It's all the things you said so cranberry sauce stuffing turkey those are the three main components anyway and they put like loads of like sort of christmassy sort of spices in there but uh i go to greggs every single day okay for and i don't even live near a gregg's i'll tell you that yeah do you know what i mean how far are you traveling for a gregg's it's an easy half hour walk yeah during the period during the festive period i don't even refer to it as a festive period before yeah now it's a festive period i was like you know you go into greggs every day during the festive period yeah i'm not I'm not queuing outside like it's a Harry Potter book.

Speaker 1 You're not going every day

Speaker 1 for the rest of the year. No, no, no.
But as soon as the festive bake drops, you're going every day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When do they tend to drop it? I think this time it was mid-December. I remember because

Speaker 1 I was filming a thing and the whole film crew went to go have lunch somewhere else and I didn't have lunch with everyone else because I wanted to check whether the festive bake was out and it was out.

Speaker 1 And that was the worst Gregs ever.

Speaker 1 It was the Greggs at Tottenham Court Road, which is like it's it was it was busy in there but people people know what day it was people knew yeah yeah christmas had officially started yeah yeah yeah yeah so how long's the festive bake been going for how long have you been i've been aware of it two years so this is i'm early into it but it's been going longer than that yeah yeah it's been going longer i didn't know about it really i because i just i don't really go in for like the limited edition things that a chain restaurants sell i don't buy into it but this i buy into in a big way yeah and i mean i mean like one and in a big way i I mean one a day for the whole Christmas period.

Speaker 1 Which is so it's started like mid-December. So how many are you having by the end of the Christmas period? How many have you had? I've had a minimum one a day.

Speaker 1 But how long are the how many days we're talking? The 12 days of Christmas? No, until they finish. Yeah.
Until they finish. It's like mid-January, they kind of finish.
Okay. So about a month.
A month.

Speaker 1 Yeah, about a month. One a day for a month.
About that one. Well, you say minimum one day.
Are there any two festive bake days? Yeah, sometimes I have like three. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. So we're talking probably on average 50 festive bakes during that time.

Speaker 1 Well, don't do it like it's, you know, you are eating. You know, when they put the food on the table, you can see the disgrace.
You know, it's like, it's shame. Yeah.
Don't shame me.

Speaker 1 I'm not shaming you. I'm actually really proud of you, man.
Okay. But

Speaker 1 probably about 50. Yeah, probably, yeah, 50.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Upwards of 50. Yeah.
They know me.

Speaker 1 I used to live in a

Speaker 1 in like near Twickenham and at Gregg's, I went there every single day. They know me there.

Speaker 1 And they knew it was going to be a festive bake. Yeah, they don't even, they don't even, they just leave it out.
Yeah, you know, when you're buying two at a time, did you ever feel ashamed?

Speaker 1 And I'd say, oh, one of them's for Lloyd. Yeah, then they'd have to say, who's Lloyd? I'd be more ashamed.
Yeah, it's the squash and the pram. Yeah.
I mean, so hold on.

Speaker 1 Are you getting, when you had a, you know, two or even three festive bake day, were you buying those all together? Or were you making three or two separate trips? I'm making, no, just, just one trip.

Speaker 1 One trip? Yeah, that's my, my walk. That was, so like, that was the first one was like a lockdown thing.
Yeah. So I had to do something for the day or so.
Get up, do the washing up,

Speaker 1 delete the calendar, stuff of the calendar,

Speaker 1 watch the news for a bit, go to Greg's, get myself one to three festive bakes, come back, have your real dinner. The deleting stuff of the calendar sounds like it was a real ritual for you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I had nothing to do. Other people did what they did.
They wrote books and that and they sort of like wrote scripts.

Speaker 1 What I did is I just deleted stuff off the calendar and watched it all melt away.

Speaker 1 Well, you know when you say you did nothing you had nothing to do. You know that the people who wrote books books and scripts also had nothing to do.
So then they wrote a script.

Speaker 1 No, man.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. That doesn't sound right at all.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not true. It's not true.
What's your books, man? Did you do a book in... You did a book.
Did you book? Did you do a book? Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 How sad was the meals

Speaker 1 around it? Just Torizo broccoli pasta. That was it.
Toritzo broccoli pasta.

Speaker 1 I almost went with tuna pasta bake for the main, because I really like tuna pasta bake. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You like the classic, you're a man who appreciates the classics. Yeah, something you can cook.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Who the hell was that?

Speaker 1 Do you think people who don't know who I am, which is a lot of people, do you think people will think that I'm a porn star that you're interviewing?

Speaker 1 Because you've got a huge date. Yeah, yeah, it does sound like you're a sexy voice.
I mean, we've been chatting for a while now. It would have been a terrible interview if you were a porn star.

Speaker 1 We'd not brought up anything about porn.

Speaker 1 yeah because that's the thing that podcasts like to do i see a lot of podcasts now they have porn stars on yeah i've i i yeah i mean i don't know how you do that yeah have you not had one on we've never had a uh leave a comment porn star on

Speaker 1 ask them what they eat and then there's inevitable jokes there aren't there yeah yeah of course yeah yeah i mean

Speaker 1 go into the gut immediately would it yeah well again is it point but the point porn star just wanted us to talk to talk about food yeah maybe being little snickers you do a grime very grimy podcast yeah yeah i will say yeah this is actually quite odd being here, quite surreal because it was only recently that we...

Speaker 1 So I do a podcast called Slime Country. I do it with Sunil Patel and Ed Night.

Speaker 1 And we recently, every time we read out like a fan fiction that someone's written, it just so happened that week that we found one, an off-menu one, and we had to read it out on the podcast.

Speaker 1 And I have to say, it's very, very difficult to... to listen to slash read out.
Yeah, yeah. Very hard.
A lot, very weird.

Speaker 1 Because they get weird because there's always ninja turtles and that kind of thing. But the ones where you know the people in, which is a few, we had one with Uncle Roger last week with Gordon Ramsay.

Speaker 1 And they, Gordon Ramsay was, it was translated from Chinese. Gordon Ramsay was,

Speaker 1 he was called Lao Bao for some reason.

Speaker 1 And I think Uncle Roger was, I think it was called Little Trout or something. It was quite odd.
Anyway, your one was very strange. What happened in our one? So you're...
By the way,

Speaker 1 before Hugh read this out on his podcast, he did message me to check. Yeah.
To give my consent.

Speaker 1 And I gave yours.

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah. I mean, no one's playing this, yeah, no, yeah, I knew that you'd say no, yeah, yeah, because it doesn't, as you'll find out, it doesn't hold you in great esteem.
Oh, what?

Speaker 1 So I can't remember precisely, but I got the main points of it. It starts off: James lets himself into your flat with a spare key.
Okay,

Speaker 1 you're watching some shit on television. They make sure that they say that you're watching some shit on television.
Fair enough. You crawl into Ed's lap and break down into tears immediately.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I've let myself in to do this so far. Bang on.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you're sort of.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 that's what people think. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what the fantasy is. That's like, because it's an exaggerated version of like, so they think that you come in,

Speaker 1 you're cried about how bad your day is. The section where you're talking about your bad day goes on for so long.

Speaker 1 It's so long where you're talking about all the things you're having to you i think you're like having problems with like your agent or something like that and it's just comforting you stroking your hair yeah

Speaker 1 and then

Speaker 1 you're we're like weeping you're like crying all the way through this and it's just stroking your hair yeah and then you beg him to tie you up

Speaker 1 you're like you're begging him i can't believe this someone like this oh i'm so happy we had to stop because it was like it was it's too hard it's too hard to read yeah It became difficult.

Speaker 1 There's one other option. I think it's because

Speaker 1 people have ripped, because people write these fan fictions. It's always quite funny because you don't really, because if it's like the Teenage Mutant Ninja titles, it's like a...

Speaker 1 But when it's real people that you know,

Speaker 1 it becomes quite sinister that they would, you know, there's people like in a setting in which they might have come to see you live, and the first instance is to go, like, I'm going to write like a

Speaker 1 16-chapter story about how while crying ed ed had as a go-on james whilst he's tied to a bed so i'm still crying for the whole thing yeah you're crying for the bedroom

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 but this is like also the way that it's written it's like this is just normal because you've just let yourself in yeah and like as like oh here we go again yeah i have to tie him up and fuck him because like he's crying so much about his bad day I wouldn't recommend you listen to it because it's like it's hard it's hard to

Speaker 1 listen to it all me I'm hearing about it now and it's disturbing

Speaker 1 Can't believe I'm just being painted.

Speaker 1 That's all the fan's seeming. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you not ever read a fan vection of yourself before? No. There's loads, man.
That was only one of them. We were going to do a whole

Speaker 1 month of it.

Speaker 1 James Acast a month. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Crying in all of them? We've been crying in every single one of them.

Speaker 1 It doesn't sound good. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Honestly, we don't often stop. We have to stop.
We've never stopped. We had to stop.
It was too busy. Yeah, we couldn't get to the point where you were starting to go.
You do go for it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I imagine. It's got to happen at some point.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Holy smokes. Sorry about that.
I can't believe it. I crawl in the room.

Speaker 1 Is that the bit that upset you the most? All of it is just demeaning. Like, I can't believe I'm...
I've locked myself in for it.

Speaker 1 I've let myself in with a spare key.

Speaker 1 You haven't even got up to see who it is. You're just watching TV.

Speaker 1 So, like, the fact that you're not even like, oh, who's coming in? Oh, hi, Jim. You're just sitting there watching TV.

Speaker 1 And then, after crawling, crying, and then I'm on your lap crying about my bad day. And then I beg you to tie me up.
Yes. It's not even your idea.
Yes. There's a lot of nuzzling.

Speaker 1 I remember Sunil specifically being like, why is there so much nuzzling?

Speaker 1 That is like, that is a sums up.

Speaker 1 All my every weirdo who's ever seen me is that they would get turned on by the thought of me nuzzling. That just absolutely doesn't.

Speaker 1 Oh no,

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 Thanks to whoever wrote that. And then what? Am I tied to a bed? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I said, thanks to whoever wrote that. Benito put his hand to the producer.
Wouldn't be surprised. By the way, if you're not listening again,

Speaker 1 the sound guy is David Dimbleby. They won't let him retire.

Speaker 1 Can't be.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I absolutely love that. Yeah, of course you do.
Yeah. Because I'm Big Strong Boy.

Speaker 1 Big Strong Boy watching TV. Doesn't have any feelings.

Speaker 1 I said you were watching garbage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's fair. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the worst you've come off. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's when you relax, you watch garbage.

Speaker 1 You've come off worse, I will say that. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I've got all sorts of problems.

Speaker 1 I love that. I think that, yeah, you

Speaker 1 can. Are they writing this because they find it arousing? Are they writing it?

Speaker 1 The comments below will also be like great. Like be a great story.
Bang on this. Great actor.
Because they find it sexy. Yeah.
People read it and wank off to it, I reckon. Jeez, man.

Speaker 1 Jeez.

Speaker 1 James, I know you've not enjoyed talking about this.

Speaker 1 So later on, when you let yourself in.

Speaker 1 I'm crying about what he said.

Speaker 1 When you crawl into his lap,

Speaker 1 make sure you don't get tears all over the TV remote. That's why he uses that to watch his garbage television.

Speaker 1 Garbage television.

Speaker 1 And I don't have time for much nuzzling tonight, so we're just going to have... get straight to the tying up and fucking all right yeah

Speaker 1 no no nuzzling for me i guess

Speaker 1 Crikey Moses. Does he say that? Yeah, that'll be the next one.
I've made a note of that. Right.
And then he says, at the point of climax, he shouts, Crikey Moses.

Speaker 1 But there will be another one. Because there's so many.
There will be another one of this. There's so many.
Of this. People, just look it up.
No. I'm not looking at shit.
No way. It's a dark hole.

Speaker 1 You'll never get out. Yeah, you're not looking it up.
It's about what you're complaining about, actually, during the dark hole you can't get out of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Bad day, man. You're a bad day.
Yeah. Fucking hell.
Bunch of creeps, man.

Speaker 1 That is messed up. It's scary, isn't it? Scary world, isn't it? That is scary that that's in someone's head.

Speaker 1 Isn't it scary that some you can be so good at stand-up that people will write that about you and you have then you're forced to confront it in your own podcast?

Speaker 1 Well, it's scary that if you, if you even,

Speaker 1 if you have some sort of platform and you talk about your emotions for a second, they're like, I think cry so much.

Speaker 1 It just becomes this big thing. It's hot.
It's a fucking cry. Yeah.
Go on, keep crying. He cries all the time.
He's nuzzling. He's crying.

Speaker 1 Becky for it. Nuzzling's so funny.
Also, I think you're like this. They kept referring.
They referred to Ed as Ed.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Oh, no.
They referred to James as the boy.

Speaker 1 We read the full thing. If you check out the...
This is the biggest thing.

Speaker 1 This is the biggest plug for the podcast I could do, but you've got to... Up until now.
We read it word for word.

Speaker 1 The most disturbing thing on this podcast was when Ed said he has a spaghetti plane with the a dollop on top.

Speaker 1 But this is, this is absolutely true. This is why.
Do you know what? Far too many.

Speaker 1 I hope some comedians are listening to this. I hope there's some comedians who are my friends who in the past have said to me, you should really be more open with your fans, man, and talk to them.

Speaker 1 And you could, you know, sometimes they come up to you and they want stuff from you.

Speaker 1 And you're like, oh, no, I'm kind of in a rush or whatever. And that really upsets somebody.
You should really give them the time of day. Fuck that.
If that's what this this is what they're doing,

Speaker 1 I don't want to meet a single one of these fucking creeps.

Speaker 1 Forget it.

Speaker 1 The boy. Yeah.
The boy. The boy doesn't.
If this is what's going on in their heads. Wouldn't be annoyed if you wasn't crying in the story.
Yeah. If I wasn't crying in the story.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What is a number of things? Not just a cry. If I wasn't.
The boy. I wasn't being called a boy.
If I wasn't crying. If I wasn't begging to be tied up, because you apparently don't want to do it.

Speaker 1 If I wasn't like

Speaker 1 complaining about about my death i don't i see it as more like oh fucking hell i didn't crawl into the room on all fours that's funny man i'm already this subservient like lower than you i don't like crawling into the lap a bit like you know whether the cat settles off on a bed they're changing like i'd be fine do you know what if that is if that is how i did things i'll be fine with it yeah but i'm just not

Speaker 1 anyone who does like doing that who wants to be the subservient like that fair play to you i'm not judging you but that's not how i like to do it are people putting it on me? Everywhere

Speaker 1 I've ever seen you come into you've walked in. Thank you.
I'll say that. I've got your back.
We've never nuzzled. Yeah.
Never nuzzled. Yeah.
Wouldn't roll it out. I wouldn't rule nuzzling out.

Speaker 1 That's the one thing that didn't annoy me as much. I mean, there's two.
That says more about them. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So dessert, then, is it? I guess we're only dream, drink, but like dream drink.

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Speaker 1 Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means a half day.
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Speaker 1 Dream drink, Lil,

Speaker 1 like Lil, yeah, yeah. I had a thing where, you know, when you,

Speaker 1 if you want like a canned can or something, you always you always go for like a Coke because it's just like I sort of realized that that was like that's what like advertising has done to me.

Speaker 1 So I've been going around other drinks and I think I've settled on Lil. Lil's the best one.
Very annoyed recently, they're gonna well, I don't know when this goes out, but they're getting rid of it.

Speaker 1 Well, they're check, they're changing it, aren't they? They're getting rid of it, but it's good. Aren't they just changing it? They're changing the name to to to to

Speaker 1 phanta pineapple and thingy but yeah great food yeah so it's going to taste the same it's going to be the same just the can's different no it's not not really though why uh just because it's it's you do you want the you just want lil it's called lil it's fun to say it's not fun to say phantom the boy i'm not

Speaker 1 man i'm 38 you've never been so far away in a conversation yeah before you ever played lil' don't give a shit

Speaker 1 i don't know it might make you cry yeah

Speaker 1 It will make me cry.

Speaker 1 The next story.

Speaker 1 Are you worried about totally truly? I feel like I also don't want to talk about Lilt either. I feel like this.
No, no, no, no, no. Let's talk about Lilt.

Speaker 1 This is actually a big issue that they're changing Lilt. And obviously, we all remember when they changed Cocoa Pops to Choco Krispies.

Speaker 1 People complain so much that they changed it back to Cocoa Pops. Are you going to be campaigning for it to be changed back to Lilt?

Speaker 1 No, I've got

Speaker 1 a lot of time on my hands. Busy.

Speaker 1 Everything you've said in this podcast would not suggest that. What hoofing? Hoofing.
Yeah, that's not

Speaker 1 clearing your diary every day. Yeah, clearing bolognese.

Speaker 1 Clearing the diary to prepare my meals.

Speaker 1 First, the spaghetti bolognese that takes five hours.

Speaker 1 Then the duck that I have to line up like a

Speaker 1 big line so I can eat it like a snake. I think you've got time to sign a petition.

Speaker 1 To bring back Lil.

Speaker 1 Let's be honest, I'm starting though. I'm signing a petition.
I'm making a petition. Yeah.
I'm making a petition. No, I just, I do really like Lil.
Yeah. I also like, it's alcohol.

Speaker 1 I don't really drink, but I did, I used to have a big period where i would drink white russians when i did drink a lot and i would bring all the ingredients to like parties and that and i look like a real fucking weird guy yeah yeah drinking well because it looks like milk you're drinking milk out of the glass yeah of course um but i really like i really like milk and if you arrive with the ingredients so you are arriving at a party with milk minimum a shopping bag full of stuff whatever it's got yeah you've got what's it kahlua milk yeah vodka vodka ice as well you've got to bring the ice in case of the amount of ice because i can't live without ice okay yeah so yeah i look pretty mental.

Speaker 1 I don't get a lot of, I don't get advised to a lot, I'd say. Yeah, nothing you've said now.
Turn up with two litres of Lil. Yeah.
Which is awesome. Well, I can't now.
Can't now.

Speaker 1 They've already, they've, I just checked, they've already got rid of all the lilts in the shops. There was no, there's no lilts anymore now.
No way. No, they've got rid of it.
It was a quick turnover.

Speaker 1 When I first heard, and then I went out to the bottom. I think people went on a mad Lilt grab.
Yeah, well, you would because you get to sell them to people like me 20 years later.

Speaker 1 How much do you pay £100,000?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Fair enough.
Well, like now, or in five years? In five years. Five Five years for a cannon plant.
One million.

Speaker 1 So a hundred thousand was now. Now, yeah, okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 A week after.

Speaker 1 I'm gasping. I'm gasping.
Gasping. I need to hoof that too.
Yeah. Share it with the lads.
I feel like Lil, like, this is how much advertising affects me. So it's a grey day today.
It's been snowing.

Speaker 1 It's pretty cold. It's Christmas Eve, by the way.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's 11.30 at Christmas Eve. Is that five? I'm being pulled away from my family who are about to talk into that dark, about to cover up the dark.
I wouldn't drink a Lilt on a day like today.

Speaker 1 I need it to be warm because it's totally tropical. Yeah.
I would be drinking it today. Yeah.
Yeah. Three a day? Three a day.
Would you not feel like a bit weird drinking a Lil in the rain? Nah, man.

Speaker 1 I do every... Nah.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Why would it be weird to drink a Lilt? Because it's totally tropical. More of the reason to drink it, because if it's miserable, then you want a Lilt.

Speaker 1 Right, and that would like, that brightens you up. Yeah,

Speaker 1 because I need that. Yeah.
In podcast, they call me the killer on a podcast because I really ruin a lot of them, man. Really? Yeah, yeah.
I'm real down.

Speaker 1 Actually, I'm quite excited for this one because it's about food, which is one of my two interests. Yeah.
What's your other interest?

Speaker 1 Hoofin. Hoofin.
Hoofin. Yeah.
Spaghetti, bread rolls, whatever I can get my hands on. Yeah.
So eating food and eating. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, then kicking in. And then kicking food and eating.

Speaker 1 Kicking and eating food. Yeah.
And no, I didn't say cooking and eating food. Kicking and eating food.

Speaker 1 Okay, so a can of lilt. Cold.
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, not definitely.
Yeah, okay. Cold can of lilt.
I want to punish myself with a warm lilt. Hey, I don't know.
Some people like warm soft drinks.

Speaker 1 Okay. You know, I don't want to.
Name.

Speaker 1 Huh? Name them. And name people who like them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like them. Sometimes I like them.
Do you mean you've got a warm soft drink? Sometimes I like it when a soft drink has gone flat. Yeah, we don't keep our soft drinks in the fridge at home.

Speaker 1 This is disgusting. They're just on the kitchen floor.

Speaker 1 Well, I can get them. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Call over, help myself.

Speaker 1 Can you open up the can for me, please, Ed? Yeah. You cry.
You whimper. You're clawing at the cat flap.
Go have a can please open it with your mouth boy

Speaker 1 please tie me up see the thing is you're really angry at the person that wrote that story yes but every time we talk about it like this they are they are can you imagine

Speaker 1 everywhere yeah they're going to pause this podcast so many times to clean up and then come back and play it can you frame a podcast episode can you can you frame an episode because they'll be in the house yeah yeah yeah frame it on the wall definitely they've imprisoned this person let's face it yeah this well they did something horrific after charles bronson that's they wrote that then they went on some sort of awful sexual spree, and now they're in prison.

Speaker 1 No one's telling them about this episode. They haven't got a clue what's going on.
We're playing this for the prison intercom. Disgusting.
I mean, you brought it up again.

Speaker 1 Good luck hearing it. And they're not bringing it up all the time.
I'm still dealing with it. But this is the exact sort of reaction that, you know, has led you to be the crying boy in the story.

Speaker 1 If you just more confused. You've got fucking feelings.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm the crying boy because of that. If you just took this on the chin like a normal person, person maybe they wouldn't write stories about it I've not read the end of the story.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I've not either I couldn't I couldn't even read because I find the stories take it on the chin jump. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's my job to find the stories and I didn't even want to read

Speaker 1 this one So you're not you're not gonna drink Fanto pineapple and grapefruit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, you're not even gonna drink it just to see if it tastes similar. No, because I want no I'm not having it It's not about it's it's the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Like it's not just the taste of the drink, it's the Lil. It's the picture on there.
Yeah. you know, it's beautiful, it's a beautiful picture.
The way that the

Speaker 1 way the lilt looks in the can. Look at the shelf of cans.
Well, you can't anymore. Look at the shelf of cans.
A little stands out. It's amazing.
It looks incredible.

Speaker 1 Oh, it stands out. It does.
Stands out to me. Yeah, because it's a because you're looking for a little.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It says Lilt on it. Yeah.
Yeah. No other drink says Lil on it.

Speaker 1 Your dream dessert.

Speaker 1 So this isn't something I've not had before but I used to when I used to walk back from football at my old school there was oh is this something you've not had before?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we've had people do that before this is amazing.

Speaker 1 So I've sorry carry on so I'm walking back right from football and there was like a like it was like a chippy and you can go in and you can actually buy you buy a battered Mars bar from the shop for £1.70 but if you came in with your own chocolate bar they would batter it for a pound whatever you wanted this didn't exist i I think, but Kit Kat Chunky peanut butter are my favorite chocolate bars.

Speaker 1 Correct. I would then now take that into that shop, then get that battered, and then I would have that with ice cream.

Speaker 1 But I don't know what it tastes, but I can only imagine how good that would taste. That would taste incredible.
Do you reckon? Yeah. But what a service.

Speaker 1 So what happened? Have you had like deep-fried chocolate bars before? Yeah, like I would have one every time.

Speaker 1 So what happens to, because I had some deep-fried Oreos once, and basically the Oreos is pretty much dissolved in the batter, and it was like a pretty bad dinky donut and it wasn't what I had in my head when I thought of deep fried is it batter or is it just deep fried?

Speaker 1 It was batter.

Speaker 1 So they put the Oreos in the batter, deep fried them, but then like it was like a little donut with like a kind of Oreo filling but not really and I was like this is very disappointing because I had it in my head.

Speaker 1 like an oreo that's a bit you know gooey and soft but and covered in batter so when i think of deep fried mars bars and the like i always think like it's still a solid like mars bar size block of like all the gooeiness and then outside you've got the batter but actually is it just that it kind of just like it's a gooey filling so you you the out the outside of the batter is the crispy bit you want so that's your crisp and inside it's just the it's the chocolate bar but a liquid

Speaker 1 but it hasn't like vaporized because like that these oreos it's not vaporized it's still it was like there was like like hardly anything in there yeah oreos are quite like that's a biscuit though isn't it yeah yeah well that's why i'm asking with this do you have like a chocolate bar's worth of the goo and you can go because it's all in there and it it hasn't just like piddled away to nothing no it's all it's all in there it's all trapped in there plus there's like wafer in there as well right in the kit cat chunky so yeah there's wafer too so i'm assuming that's not going away yeah you can't melt a wafer can you no no so the wafer's staying as it is yeah but yeah i tried i've tried a lot of different ones lion bar i really liked in there because i also like lion bars in general yeah snickers is good um but yeah i'd never have opportunity to deep fryer and i'd have that with ice cream yeah

Speaker 1 uh Uh, vanilla, yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you do? Oh, yeah, I mean, now you're talking.
I mean, that definitely like one of the best chocolate bars is the peanut butter kit cat chunky.

Speaker 1 So, I'd join you if you were doing that. Yeah, I've got a comedian for each course joining me, yeah.
I've got Howard, Graham, and now Acastle. Yeah, yeah, you got everything.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, all joining my house, we're gonna all hoof a roll together. I'll hoof a roll.
I was coming over, you'd like hoofing a roll with your feet tied up.

Speaker 1 I would want to get

Speaker 1 an entire big block of Whitakers,

Speaker 1 peanut butter Whitakers, or the jelly tip Whitakers or the PB and J Whitakers and have that deep fried.

Speaker 1 I've never seen huge laughs as much. I can't believe it.
I've never laughed before.

Speaker 1 Oh, gosh.

Speaker 1 Cream egg.

Speaker 1 Not a cream egg. Cream eggs are disgusting.
Oh, come on, mate. They're disgusting.
If you have a cream egg, take a look at at yourself in the mirror. I mean, I can't eat.

Speaker 1 I mean, I can't eat cream eggs. No.
I mean, medically, it would be an absolute disaster. Is that what you do?

Speaker 1 It's like the equivalent of like a vampire when they're about to go and they look into the sun like a blade. Yeah.
Is your version of that like your last day? Yeah. Just eat a cream egg.

Speaker 1 Explode. James, you untie James and then he puts an egg into your mouth.
Revenge. Yeah.
If the story ends like that, fine. Yeah, nice.
Now I'm walking out of there.

Speaker 1 Then it's like end of usual suspects.

Speaker 1 I was the powerful one all along. No, you start crawling and then

Speaker 1 you suddenly realise that. And I'm walking down the street, smoking.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Throwing off the handcuffs. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, brilliant. I love that dessert, though.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that is good. It's a good dessert.

Speaker 1 This whole thing's been overshadowed by the... It has, definitely.
Of course it has. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it's like, you know, I'm leaving this episode knowing that the world is... that much worse than I thought it was going in.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, I mean,

Speaker 1 I knew that there was fan fiction out there

Speaker 1 you know i think

Speaker 1 you recommended me to check out some of the taskmaster ones oh yeah they're just as bad yeah i knew there was taskmaster ones you know i i knew that there was off menu ones because actually a while ago i think uh someone was saying that uh they were thinking of doing another podcast with someone else and they never made it in the end but there was similar like meeting out fanfic and they were like oh the pilot's going to be off menu fan because there's loads of it and i was like oh so i knew it was there yeah

Speaker 1 but I didn't ask a follow-up question when that person said that and go well what happens in it yeah I mean I guess I could have predicted even in this room I'm feeling shame and it didn't even happen yeah you know yeah yeah yeah because I'll tell you what it was for me this then I kind of could have put if you'd said to me what roles do you think you and Ed have in it I'd have gone oh yeah I'm probably I you know I'm probably the more submissive one the boy I wouldn't have guessed the boy they never referred to you as a person

Speaker 1 it's always the boy I would have thought the audience would have, you know, that the fans would have seen us.

Speaker 1 If we're, you know, like with Greg and Alex, it's like, well, clearly it's going to be Greg, Bang, and Alex.

Speaker 1 So, like,

Speaker 1 so, like,

Speaker 1 with this, it was like, yeah,

Speaker 1 they'll probably have. Yeah, maybe, depends on who's writing it.

Speaker 1 Being kind of in charge. Yeah, sure.
I would not have guessed it was going to those extremes that it's like completely. No point of your dry eyes.

Speaker 1 No point.

Speaker 1 No point in my dry eyes. Oh, let's read Hugh's menu back to him.
Yes. Hugh.
See how you feel about this. Still water.
Pop numbers of bread. Pizza Express Dobbles.
WO. Starter.

Speaker 1 Crispy Aromatic Duck Pancakes. Main.
Your homemade spaghetti bolognese. Side dish.
Greg's festive bake. Drink.
Lilt in a cold can. Dessert.
Battered Kit Kat Chunky. Peanut butter with ice cream.

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm. Delicious.
Delicious. Yeah, to be fair, you said before this, before we started recording, you went, I think my menu is pretty disgusting.
But but I don't think it's great.

Speaker 1 I think it's that you take away the great I think it's most the greats doing a lot of the hard work there for the disgusting

Speaker 1 Yeah, Greg's on the side on the side. Nah, it's nice.
No, it's quite inspired. I'd eat every single thing on your menu I would eat after I've been swimming

Speaker 1 Every single thing. Yeah.
Don't you think? Why after you've been swimming? Well swimming food like when you're a kid is very specific, right? Things from vending machines. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Chocolate bars,

Speaker 1 bolognese. Yeah, it is quite childish actually.
Yeah, but like posh kid. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bolognese slopping out of a vending machine.

Speaker 1 Scooping it into your towel like that.

Speaker 1 Well, it's delicious anyway. I'm a fan.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 also, you know, thanks for sharing the recipe because

Speaker 1 I wouldn't have guessed there was ketchup in it. Yeah, that is the secret ingredient.
I know someone used to put your Marmite. Yeah, Marmite in pasta sauces is good.
People say that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, even if it's not just eggspoon and Marmite. Yeah.
Thank you very much, Huge. Nice for having me here.
Thank you, Huge.

Speaker 1 Well, James. Oh, sorry, the boy.
No, do not call me that. I'm a man.
Don't cry. I'm a man.

Speaker 1 Well, that was a very enlightening chat with Hugh Davies. Yeah, enlightening.
What? About who? Yeah. Not about Hugh, about some of the perbs out there.

Speaker 1 I love that. Brilliant.
And you know what? His menu, even though, I mean, he was worried it it was disgusting.

Speaker 1 I guess it was like, if you read it on a sheet of paper, you'd be like, that feels pretty basic. But then the way he described the spaghetti bolognese, obviously

Speaker 1 crispy duck pancakes, always a winner. Yeah.
Doughballs are classic.

Speaker 1 I think, you know, if I didn't know what was coming, if I sat down and said, someone said, do you want some doughballs and pizza spaghetti? I'm saying yes. Yes.
I eat them.

Speaker 1 If they then say to me, oh, do you want some Krispy Duck pancakes? Yes. Yes.
I eat those. Do you want homemade spaghetti bolognese? Yes.

Speaker 1 So like, I'm not, if I see it all on one, I'm like, I'm eating doing that as a meal. But if you're asking me as we're going along, do you now want a festive pasty from Greggs? Yeah, I'll try that.

Speaker 1 Like, so, like, and it on the deep-fried chocolate bar? Yeah. There you go.
Can't argue with it. So I'd do it.
Yeah. And he didn't say cubed feta.
He didn't say cubed feta. I don't even know.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah. When he said there was a secret ingredient in the Spag Bowl, I was like, I hope it's not the secret ingredient.

Speaker 1 I imagine if it was cubed feta, that'd be horrible in Spag Bowl, to be fair. Yeah.
But, you know, so's cream and someone did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Someone came on the podcast and chose that, didn't they? Quite a weird guy, though. Yeah, it's quite an odd person.
Odd person. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Huge has two podcasts. Slime Country, which we heard quite a lot about in this episode with Ed Knight and Sunil Patel as well, where they obviously have a section where they read fanfic out.
Yep.

Speaker 1 I'd imagine that some people will be going to seek that specific episode out. I imagine some people will be seeking that episode.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Also, the Film Quiz podcast with Nick Helm. Huge does that as well.
Love a film quiz. Yes, you do love a film quiz, actually.
So, yes, very excited about that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's I know which one of the two podcasts I'd rather listen to personally.

Speaker 1 And Hugh is a brilliant stand-up, as we say. So go and follow him on social media.
James, boy, thank you for another lovely episode. Thank you, Ed.

Speaker 1 And I guess I'll see you later when I let myself in. I need my keys back.
Thank you.

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Speaker 12 Hello, I'm Lucy Beaumont.

Speaker 1 And I'm Sam Campbell, as a matter of fact.

Speaker 17 Perfect Brains is one of the most enchanting podcasts. The effect it has on people is astounding.

Speaker 12 That is what we've heard, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 17 This changes people's lives.

Speaker 12 If you had to sum it up, how would you sum it up an in-depth look at um sumo wrestling and the scandals because it used to be considered so honourable like sumos and they all live together sumos no two podcasts are the same do you remember that one where i just messaged loads of derek's i don't think people know that i emailed a hundred dereks i don't think it was derek's i thought it was brian's

Speaker 12 yeah lucy um emailed every brian on facebook our podcast is out every friday so it's really easy to remember it's like if you've got an office job it's the first day day you feel alive again.

Speaker 17 Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains, one of the hottest podcasts. People are going crazy for this podcast.

Speaker 12 Yeah, please give it a listen.

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