Ep 247: Ardal O’Hanlon (Live in Dublin)

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much.

And enjoy the episode.

It's the final Saturday release, James.

What does that mean?

But but but

bonus.

Bonus live episode from the off-menu tour in 2023.

I mean, 28th of November 2023, this was recorded, James.

The day this is being released is the 4th of May 2024.

I'm in Japan right now.

Really?

It's the day before my mum's birthday right now.

I'm going to be sitting in my flat missing my friend.

But to cheer you up, James, you can listen to this.

This was, of course, the final night of the residency in Dublin recorded at the Bordegosh Energy Theatre on the 28th of November 2023.

As I said, there will be some callbacks from the first half that won't make any sense.

But don't worry about it.

Just relax into it.

Enjoy your life, for God's sake.

Also, some of the stuff that aren't callbacks won't make sense.

Ardel is a wonderful man with a unique mind.

Ardelo Hanlon, a wonderful special guest.

What a way to round out the tour.

Look, ending it in Dublin with Ardel O'Hanlon.

Who could ask for anything more?

Exactly.

And the secret ingredient was raisins/slash cocaine, which we are reliably informed and we should know, really, is a Father Ted reference.

Yeah, well, listen, this Dublin crowd,

they knew every single detail from Father Ted.

So even people like you and I have obviously watched Father Ted.

And love it.

Love it.

Watched it more than once.

Yeah.

Didn't know all those were like they knew everything.

And everything about all of Ardell's work, I'd say.

Yes.

Yeah.

They had a lot of suggestions for secret ingredients.

But we did land on raisins slash cocaine.

So hopefully Ardel will not say raisins slash cocaine.

Let's have a listen.

It's sad to say it's the final live episode.

But we'll be back next week, of course, with the normal recorded recorded episode yeah but very exciting here we go uh the off menu menu live of

welcome to the off menu podcast taking the oh okay

okay

Gives me a bit more time to plan what I'm gonna say

taking the mushroom soup of conversation

the turbot of humor,

the triple fried chips of conversation,

the cider of the internet,

and the knickerbocker glory of giggles.

It's the off-menu podcast, Tony Woodstyle.

Tony Woodstyle.

He's taken his coat off.

Tony Woodstyle.

Tony Woodstyle.

Tony Woods has taken his coat off, but he's left his scarf on

Tony Woodstyle.

We'll have that scarf off before the end, Tony Woods.

That's that gabble.

That's Tony Woods.

My name is James A.

Caster.

Together we own a drink restaurant.

Tony Woods, I don't own it.

By the way, the audience who listened to this podcast will not hear the first half, so this is going to be fucking weird.

Yeah.

You know, who the hell is Tony Woods?

Doesn't he mean Tiger Woods?

Is Tiger Woods the guest?

That might be your other son.

Yeah.

He let you down by not being a piano tuner.

Just people listening just going, what the fuck?

I'm turning this episode off.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and asking their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Arnold O'Hanlon.

Yeah.

Obviously.

You come to Dublin, you bag O'Hanlon, but you know it's gone right.

First email straight to O'Hanlon.

First reply?

Yes.

You'll be happy to hear it was yes.

We know the secret ingredient already, of course.

Keep that in your heads.

So let's kick off.

This is the off-menu menu of Arnold O'Hanlon.

I loved it though.

No one's danced on before.

As if this was Fiddler on the Roof.

James, what you doing?

Yeah, sorry.

Yes.

The genie has to make a proper entrance, Ardle, you understand.

Now,

would you like to rub the lamp to get the genie out of the lamp?

Of course.

Please, you you must approach the lamp and give it a little rub.

Oh,

here we go.

Oh, the power.

Welcome, Ardelo Hamlin, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Oh,

thank you, Genie.

It is so fabulous to be at the Dream Restaurant, finally, in front of Mr.

Cum and all his friends.

Mr.

Cum and the rest of the Cum family.

A dull inspiration.

James, you wouldn't have seen that because you were the genie in the lamp there, but Ardell rubbed his bottom on the lamp to get the genie out.

I thought that felt weird.

That doesn't happen before.

It felt powerful.

Yeah.

It's rare to summon a genie.

It's a rare opportunity.

So you thought you'd use your bottom?

Yes.

I use my bottom for other things as well, eh?

It's multifunction.

Do you want to take us through all the functions before we get on?

No.

You sure?

Well, it's

pretty sure it's learned up front page news if you do.

Well,

picking up stuff off the floor.

And you know the other stuff.

That'd be very useful if your arm stopped working.

Yes.

Yes.

Just pick stuff off the floor of your ass.

Just nonsense to anyone listening to this.

I suppose it is true, though.

Bit of work for the editor.

Yeah.

Poor old Benito.

Would you call yourself a foodie ardo?

Um yeah, well I yeah, I I yes, I like food.

I I I like I like uh you know touching it and and um

and

eating it as well.

I am a food eater and I like

yeah, and then I like going into a dark room afterwards and

thinking about it.

I'm thinking I have a good think about the food after the dark food.

My day does revolve around it.

Yes, I love food.

Yes.

So you touch it, you like touching it.

I love touching it.

What's your favourite food to touch, would you say?

I would say it is, I love garlic.

I love the smell of garlic on my fingers.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I don't eat garlic.

I just like...

I like smelling it.

I love smelling food and eating it and touching it.

Yeah, when you've chopped...

When you've chopped garlic,

it is nice throughout the day.

Well, I forget that I've chopped garlic, so I'll make the meal.

And then later on, I'll scratch my nose and go, what the fuck?

So you're saying that you chop garlic and then throughout the day,

you'll be smelling your fingers.

Not deliberately smelling them, but like if I have a little scratch and then like, what the hell is that?

Are you doing that in public?

And it brings you back?

I guess I'm doing it in public.

I mean,

you know.

You cook up a reputation.

The finger sniffer.

No,

I just get some really cool men coming up to me going, yeah, me and all.

I'm like, love chopping garlic, I guess, brother.

I also like chopping chilies.

Do you?

Yes, I love that.

And some people like, you know, and then you scratch your eye and you get upset.

Yeah.

I don't mind that.

You like scratching your eye, you like that?

After eating the chili.

Yes, I like that.

I like food.

It's all about the senses, isn't it?

You know, that's one of the senses, pain.

So, yeah, I love that.

I did that and picked my nose once after I chopped a chili and I had to.

Oh,

that was not nice.

I had to basically sit there with a pint of water, snorting a pint of water for the rest of the evening.

But you know, like, I'm a little bit older than you, and so you want food to be interesting and you want an experience every time you eat.

Like, I don't eat for out of necessity anymore.

I don't really have to.

I just eat for, like, to get sensations.

So

you just want to feel something?

I want to feel full.

Yeah.

And pain and

other stuff as well.

So you say when I get older, I'll enjoy the feeling of like a painful nostril after a chop of chili.

Yeah, you just want to feel thumping.

Yeah.

God's sake.

I'm alive.

So you just, yeah, you see, some people might be like, oh, I'm a bit hungry, but you're like, it's been a while since I've had a sensation.

Yes.

No, but that would be exactly it.

Yeah, so

yes, touching and smelling.

And

you know,

rubbing food on myself.

Well, we'll see.

Later on, maybe at the end of the menu, we'll check which bits you'd like to rub on yourself, which bits you'd like to touch,

which bits you'd like to smell.

Yeah.

You feel like you've pinched yourself into a corner you can't get out of here, Arden?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Yeah,

I feel boxed in.

Okay, you've got all the senses to choose from.

Yeah, I only know three of them.

You think one of them is.

I don't like looking at food.

God, no, the sight of food makes me sick.

Well,

you can't look at it.

You just rub chilies in your eyes straight away.

That's right.

Have you ever had a mishap chopping?

I have, yeah, yeah, I have.

I did that terrible thing where you're not supposed to chop a carrot when it's vertical.

Did you know that?

You're not supposed to chop a carrot when it's vertical.

When it's vertical.

I did know that actually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I didn't know I knew that, but now you've said it, I do know that, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I've done that and I've cut whole suathes of my finger.

Oh, avocados is.

Sorry, I have another question about that.

So when it was vertical,

did you put the.

Because obviously carrots taper towards the end.

Yes.

Did you put the fat end on the chopping board?

Oh, God.

Or did you...

And please don't know this really answer.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, I had the fat end, but here's the thing.

It was freestanding.

So.

You didn't hold onto it.

I didn't.

My arm wasn't working.

Comment.

So I had to just like, let's say that was the carrot.

Yep.

That can of water on the table for people who are listening, who are using that particular sense.

Oh, you must be jealous of that.

He's got all the senses now.

Which brings me on to listening to food.

Yeah.

Hearing food.

That is one of the great things about the whole eating experience.

Yes.

Yes, I love the sound of food.

I love it.

Apart from, oh, well, you know, fizzy water, I don't like the sound of that.

Right.

It's sinister.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Evil, I would go as far as to say.

Yeah.

It is evil.

You know, you've heard it.

Yeah, I've heard it.

You know what it sounds like.

So

I love the sound of other food, though.

Can you elaborate?

Well, crunchy food.

Crunchy food?

I only eat crunchy food.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I mean, most people like crunchy food.

I mean, that's the whole point of it, isn't it?

I don't give a shit about the taste, but as long as it's crunchy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

sprouts.

Raw sprouts, yeah.

They're horrible, but like they're crunchy.

Yeah.

Ice, like whatever.

Crunch the ice?

Do you like the sound of the crunch as you get through your subs?

Crisps are the greatest food of all, yes.

Because of the sound.

Purely because of the sound.

Yeah.

What is your favourite brand of crisps?

Remember where you are?

Oh, yes.

There's a crowd called O'Donnell's Crisps in Ireland.

Yeah.

Really good crisps.

You're supposed to say Tato in Ireland.

Yeah.

But that's not absolutely essential.

There are two rival tatoes in Ireland.

which mirrors the political situation in this country.

There is Southern Irish Tato Crisps.

They have a theme park.

Yes.

That's how important they are to the Irish economy.

You have Northern Irish Tato Crisps, and here's the thing.

Okay, fair enough,

they're not as good as the Southern Irish Tato Crisps.

But,

and this is absolutely true, where Tato Crisps are manufactured in Northern Ireland

is literally the ancestral home of the O'Hanlon clan, of which I am a part.

Yes, there's O'Hanlon.

No one gives a shit here about that.

They were stunned by that.

They were like, what the?

I am the rightful heir to Northern Irish Totato Crisps, and if there were any good, I'd take myself up on that.

Oh.

So what happened with the carrot?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Yeah, well, obviously, it was freestanding.

Yes.

And

I used the knife.

I didn't have a carving knife.

Yeah.

As you would traditionally use for the knife.

I was planning to carve it.

We were having it for Sunday lunch.

I think they're used for cutting off mousetails.

What kind of knife did you use?

I used an ordinary table knife, a little.

A butter knife, like a just a little bit.

You could use it for buttering if you wanted to.

Yeah, just a normal food for your dinner.

What?

Just a dinner knife for your dinner.

Just an ordinary dinner knife.

Yes.

Not even a steak knife.

Not even a steak knife.

It was the only knife to have.

How old were you when this happened?

What?

How old were you?

I was 42.

Okay.

So blunt knife.

Blunt knife, freestanding carrot, carnage.

So anyway,

I like touching food.

Now I think we already know the answer to this, but what we always start with still or sparkling water.

Now, you've already said sparkling, you don't trust it.

I don't like it.

Don't like bubbles.

Don't like...

the sound.

Is that...

Does that go for all bubbly drinks?

Yes, I don't even like champagne.

I love most drinks.

Sometimes I have to drink it, which is fine.

Oh, it's so hard to do.

But I don't choose it.

I don't like it.

Sometimes

to drink champagne.

I know, I just have to drink it.

It's so boring.

But I don't

really genuinely don't like bubbles because of the part of the sound, but I don't like any bubbles.

I don't like bubbles in the air.

I don't even like aerobars.

I mean, I just

hate bubbles.

Fuck them.

I wouldn't have.

I think of you as quite a sort of fun-loving, lovely, relaxed man.

I would never expect the words fuck bubbles to come out of your mouth.

It's probably the only time I've ever used that word.

Yeah, that's how much I fucking hate bubbles.

What about when you stand on bubble wrap?

Well, yes, I enjoy killing bubbles, if that's what you mean.

That's when you get to have them.

I don't just stand on them, like, I jump on them, I head-butt them.

That makes you stab them

with a butter knife.

Yeah.

Which is pointless.

Come on.

What?

But yes, so still.

So you're still water guy.

Still water guy, but I don't care about water.

I mean,

I know it's got its uses and stuff like that, you know.

irrigation and that sort of shit.

But

I don't really care about it.

What I am really interested in is,

well, the temperature is important.

Yeah.

But more importantly is the glass.

So, like,

I'm really interested in the heft of a glass, that kind of thing.

Yeah.

Like, that would be more important than the actual liquid in the glass.

It would be the, you know, like,

that's too thin.

Like, this little, this is a thin can of water for those listening that I'm holding in my good hand.

Be careful with the mic in that case.

And it's too thin, so it's not an is it there's no pleasure to be had

in holding this can.

You know, the temperature is fine.

Oh, I've heard that before.

Yeah.

So so it, so, like that would, if you, if I held that can for any length of time, I would probably get like tennis elbow or something.

Yeah.

Because you're using extra muscles to get a good grip on it.

Sure.

So you want something with a bit of weight you want when you pick it up?

Weight is important, yes.

Good point.

And heft, I don't know if heft is the right word to describe like

girth.

Girth.

Girth.

Girth.

Girth, heft, weight.

That's what you would like.

In that order.

So you've got those glasses.

glasses that have quite a thick bottom to them.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

When it's like

stops, but then it just carries on a big chunk of glass at the bottom.

I like that.

I mean, the point of Guinness glass is the perfect glass.

Right.

Absolutely.

They know.

They know.

And because it's also got that thing that, like, the little bulge about three quarters of the way up.

Which is

a good feature.

So girth, heft, weight, and the little bulge three-quarters of the way up.

Yeah, that's that's about all you need.

And the lip, the lip is important.

That is not too thin a lip.

Because, again, that doesn't channel the water

into the right areas of the mouth.

It channels it onto your shirt,

and that's useless.

Yeah,

forks Forks are important as well.

So, like, again, the whole, like, eating is fine.

Like, okay, you know, there's...

Prefer touching, yeah.

Prefer touching, but also prefer, like,

again, I think it's maybe getting older.

Like, my main interest at dinner will be the heft of the cutlery.

Like, we had a dinner party in our house a few weeks ago, and this is absolutely true.

So I got, last Christmas for my wife's Christmas present, I got this amazing cutlery.

Like it is the best cutlery ever.

So you bought that for your wife?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Lucky girl.

But just imagine you handing it over to her.

She loves design.

Look at the heft on that.

Even more than me, she loves design.

I mean, she's got some outlandish cutlery in her collection, which she keeps in a different room than my cutlery collection.

So, like, she got these forks, which are, like, they look nice, but they're terrible.

Now, look, you know, I shouldn't be talking about my wife in in a public forum

But I feel she needs to know

And we're not good on one-to-one

But we've these forks at home like there's only three tines Yeah

Yeah

two of them like two of them are splayed outwards like the outer two so they and the curve outwards So you literally you can't pierce anything.

There is no food that I know of that you can actually

pierce.

So, what's that fork for?

They're turning everything dirty, Arnold.

Like, it's for maybe lifting hay or something and throwing it into a trailer.

Like, it's not for.

Whereas the forks I got are, which she's very happy with, by the way.

Yeah.

They're not just forks.

They have a companion knife and spoon.

That's good.

And they're

like...

So you know brutalism in architecture, right?

These are brutalist.

So

a it's a Dutch designer called Martin Haas

yes loads of A's in that yeah yeah

like I think there's about five A's in his first name and about four in his second name okay Martin Haas

he has these amazing cutleries so

anyway still they're sparkling it was the question

It's the most cutlery chat we've had, but it is important.

Well, I'm surprised you don't talk about it more.

So,

oh yeah, so I was at this dinner party, and I literally, the next morning I was really embarrassed.

Like, I literally went around to everyone at the table because no one ever remarks in the cutlery, and we're always furious the next morning.

They say, oh yeah, the generator is like, my wife's an amazing cook, and so they're always going on about the fucking food and everything.

And then never mention the cutlery.

And so at this dinner party, I was going, what do you think of that?

So I was just one of those guys going around.

You see it there.

And I look, Maybe it doesn't look special, but when you actually look at it closely, it's all like it's imperfect.

Yeah.

So there's like there's four tines in the proper,

you know, at the and there's a stem.

Yeah.

You're talking them through the fork.

Yeah.

But like each of the each of the tines is kind of like slightly weird.

You know, it's like little wiggly tines.

Yeah, and then, but the weight is the important thing.

It's just perfect.

Like sometimes

I literally, it's not even mealtime, and I will go to the cutlery drawer.

Yeah, when I should be working,

and I will literally just walk around with the fork.

It's feeling the weight of it.

Yeah, yeah.

And the knife is like, the knife is like a saw.

Yeah,

it's a really good knife.

If a burglar came in,

which one would you reach for first, do you think?

Well, here's the thing.

If a burglar came in, I wouldn't know.

And the reason I wouldn't know is because, you see, we're very interested in design in our house.

Yes.

And my wife,

again,

it's none of your business.

Yeah.

Yes.

The more you mention her, the more I suspect she doesn't exist.

It's just, your wife is actually a fork that you put googly eyes on.

Yeah.

But she buys lamps.

So she loves lamps

almost as much as she likes cutlery.

Yeah, but she doesn't know if your wife likes cutlery.

So she buys lamps that don't throw any light.

So our house is really dark.

Because all the lamps, the lamps are lovely.

So it's always design over functionality, and that's a source of contention.

And

literally, there's no light coming out of the lamps.

So you wouldn't know which one to get for you.

You wouldn't even know, like, it might as as well be a hat stand.

It might even be a hat stand with a lampshade on it.

Like,

there's literally no light.

There could be squatters living in my house.

I wouldn't know.

This anger explains why you began the show by rubbing your ass on a lamp.

Yes.

Pop a dumps or bed.

Pop up so bad, Arnold Hanlon.

Pop a dumps or bed.

Oh,

yeah,

I'm going to go Papa Dom's.

And you know, you are,

you know why.

It's the crunch.

Yeah, of course.

Why do we expect anything else?

Of course it's the crunch.

If the bread was crunchy, I would consider it.

But bread doesn't, it doesn't really agree with me.

So I'm...

What?

Toasted.

Toasted, toasted.

For the crunch.

I never thought of that.

No, my wife bought a toaster that looks nice, but

you can see your reflection in it.

You can brush your hair in it.

It's really shiny, stainless steel, but it doesn't fucking toast.

Yeah, no joy.

No joy.

I would go pop a doms probably.

And like most people, I would eat too many pop-adoms at the beginning of a meal and

ruin everything, depending on the tips.

So, because you love touching food and you love the crunch, yeah.

So, with a stack of poppadoms,

are you smashing?

Are you smashing it with your hands?

Yeah, I would.

Sometimes I bring, like, I bring a little hammer.

Yeah.

Lovely design.

Just a little tap, tap, tap.

Martin Haas hammer.

Yeah, Martin Haas hammer.

Nice grip.

Do you ever walk around the house with your pop-adom hammer?

I do, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Burger comes in.

Feel that.

Feel the weight that's up to the toaster.

Yeah.

But I don't love pop-a-doms either.

But I would

have them.

I would have them.

I do love skips.

Someone chose a...

Skips are a big thing in our house.

Oh, yeah?

I mean, in this course, you know, it's poppadums or bread, but people in the past have picked other things.

Is that allowed?

Yeah.

That is allowed.

So if you say skips are a big thing in your house, which we will get into more detail about.

But if you would like skips instead of poppadoms or bread, I'm sure you can have a big bag of skips.

Okay, I'm going to go for that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Thank you.

And do you want the skips to be the size of popadoms um

yeah

yeah is this allowed is that is allow yeah yeah

last night of the tour fucking other restaurant in the world yeah exactly that's what that's what we're here to provide yeah yeah thank you we want you to have the best experience possible so if you have the the skip size popadoms

the popadom size skips

Sorry, I don't size skips.

Pop a dumb size skips.

Yeah, sorry.

Don't bring him skip-sized pop-a-doms.

No, then that's...

And you don't need any dips.

I mean, they're perfect.

They are perfect.

They're a perfect foodstuff.

The skips are.

Yeah.

Perfect food stuff.

They've got protein with the prawns, and they've got

the carbohydrates.

Yeah.

The other thing.

What is the other thing?

Vitamin D.

Yeah.

Yes.

The food pyramid.

I don't know that.

Yeah.

How many skips are you getting through in your house?

A large bag a day.

Really?

Yeah.

Not just me.

No,

everyone dips in.

You just open a bag at the beginning of the day.

Yeah,

they're left out.

Just left out.

So, how many people's that?

We've got you, your wife, the burglar,

the squatters.

And

the other people, the squatters, yes.

Yes, I did notice a lot of the skips had gone missing.

Yeah, my daughter's there.

One of my daughters lives there at the moment, and my son doesn't live there.

He lives in Galway, and my other daughter lives in Australia.

So there you go, you have it all now.

Is that it?

Do you need to know anything else?

That's all we want.

We just want everyone's family details, and then it's the end of the episode.

Which one of them do you love the most?

Well, one of them's in Australia, so not her.

Obviously, not her.

Burglar.

The burglar.

I love them all.

I love them all.

Let's get into your menu properly, or Dreamstarter, Ardel.

Dreamstarter.

Well, are pre-starters allowed?

Yeah,

is that a common?

Is that common?

Well, yes, oysters, obvious.

Yeah.

Oysters.

I love that.

It's one of the best things in life, an oyster.

How many oysters do you reckon you could get through?

I know the answer to that.

Actually,

last year, myself and my wife, wife we were in North America I was doing a show in a place called Canton in Massachusetts and there was a bit of trouble the public transport wasn't working properly and it was impossible to get an Uber or anything and I was staying in Boston so this man called Frank was at the audience in the audience

and

he offered us a lift back to Boston And we went brilliant.

And it turns out Frank is, he owns a really nice restaurant.

And he phoned ahead and he said, What do you like?

And we said, Oysters.

We like other stuff as well, but that was the first thing that came into our heads: oysters.

You can't say skips at that point, no, can you?

No,

it would be unsophisticated.

And

so, Frank, this is absolutely true.

Frank had laid out 50 oysters on top of the counter.

So the restaurant was closed by the time we got back to Boston, and there was just a few staff around cleaning up, but they'd left out loads of food for us.

Frank was an extraordinarily generous man.

So there was like, I would say, say, 60 oysters actually.

And myself and my wife had 24 each, I would bet.

Two for Frank?

Yeah, some greedy bastard took the other 12.

I bet that was quite the night for you and your wife after all those oysters.

I'm sorry, Ardo.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I mean,

it was a good night because we talked about oysters afterwards, how much we loved them.

and

um i yes i i love oysters and yeah yeah wonderful

i love my wife as well

i was planning to give one word answers tonight

yeah

you've got to say that you love your wife um what are you putting on the oysters because there's like obviously like the shallot sort of vinegary stuff and you can put tabasco lemon what how are you loading up what's the classic ardel oyster and did frank provide all of the accoutrements as well?

Frank just like he just he just waves it, waves a hand and oysters arrive.

Like

he is some way of, I don't know how he conjures up the oysters.

But I would go minimal.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you know you want to taste the sea and hear the sea.

Of course.

Holding an oyster shell up to your ear.

Holding an oyster shell, exactly.

And,

you know, and talking to the oyster, and

I don't know, listening to it and smelling it.

So minimal.

A shallot would be about the limit.

And

vinegar, red wine vinegar or something.

That would be about it.

I have a friend who has an oyster shucker.

People in Dublin will know there's a suburb called Ranala.

It's kind of like Hampstead or something in London.

You know, it's sort of

a bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not you.

Yeah.

And I have a friend who lives in Ranala and he said a very Ranala thing.

One day I was in his house having a cup of tea or something and he was putting things away and he said, oh god, there's my oyster shucker.

Like, that would be a Ranala thing to say.

To have your own oyster shuckers.

I have two.

Have you?

Would you prepare your own oysters?

Have done in the past.

That's why I bought the shucker, but now I use it to open parcels.

Of more oyster shuckers.

What's the handle like of the oyster shucker?

It is girthy.

Is it?

It is very girthy, but it's dangerous.

I'm like you with chopping things.

I shouldn't be trusted.

So when you've got to try and open an oyster,

it almost always ends in blood.

Yeah.

So I don't do it anymore.

Yeah.

Would you use both hands

when you're...

To shuck an oyster?

Yeah, it wouldn't be a freestanding oyster.

It would just be sort of chasing it across the table.

Vertical oyster.

Yeah.

So that's your pre-starter.

You're having 24 oysters.

What's the starter?

What's that tear you're up for?

I would go scallops, I think.

We're just working our way around the sea here.

I'm just very mercury deficient.

And little plastic bag deficient as well.

No, I love scallops.

Yeah.

And my wife does a thing with scallops.

People are now just laughing at the mention of your wife every time.

Oh, yeah, she's funny.

Remember.

Remember, Adel, if you bring up your wife, you do have to end the anecdote with, and I love my wife.

Yes, okay.

That's so important.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, this is one of the reasons why I do love her is because

the scallops she does are great.

She puts them on black pudding.

Oh, oh, yeah, great.

Yeah.

Yeah, delicious.

Anything with black pudding is just, everything is instantly improved by putting black pudding in there.

Clona Kilty black pudding would be the one.

They're the cork people you see.

What the fuck was that?

This is one of the big things in cork is the clonicy black pudding.

Well, some would say the only thing, but

I wouldn't say that.

No, you wouldn't say that.

Yeah, you wouldn't say that.

You've not said that.

So

the scallop resting on the disc of black pudding, yeah, with the

minty pea puree underneath that, just to give it a little bit of fix it, I suppose, into place.

So it's purely structural, the piece.

Purely structural.

In fact, it's really all about the architecture.

Yeah.

And then on top of that, here's the little,

here's our special twist: is a fried quail's egg on each thing.

Yeah.

I love your wife.

How about that for a wife?

How about that for a wife?

I wish I'd said that on my wedding day when we'd done the vows together.

I didn't say that.

But anyway,

so yeah, so that's a pretty good thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

What a dish.

And how many times have you had that?

Is this like a special occasions thing?

Well, I mean,

yeah, it would be a kind of a dinner party speciality.

So once every seven years.

No, it would be regular enough.

But obviously, if the same people are back, you can't give them that.

I don't know.

If I'd been to your house for a dinner party and had that, I'd be like, can I have that again if I came over?

Yeah.

Can we get the good forks out?

As long as you mention the forks.

Yeah.

Oh, first thing you do.

You're going to be invited back.

If people are wondering why they're not invited back to my house, that's the reason.

They just don't compliment the cutlery.

Yeah.

I love the little quails.

How many would you get on a portion?

Yeah, the three, the standard three.

Although I have noticed in restaurants, they're down to two in a lot of restaurants.

Yeah.

Two scallops.

Yeah, it's suspicious.

Yeah.

Where's that third one gone?

I don't know.

You tell me.

What's going on?

I mean, three is the minimum.

Any more than three is probably too many.

So

it's the time.

Yeah, there's four.

I'd be like, four, I'd give it back.

Yeah.

It's awful that this is the first time three comedians realize that there's a cost of living crisis.

It first hit me hard when they went down to two scallops.

I knew something had happened.

So I said to the waiter, come here, boy.

Can you count to three?

Take them away.

Three quail's eggs is great because that is three.

No, no, no, there's only one quail egg per person.

It's three scallops per person, three discs of black pudding from Connachilty per person.

One big lump of pea puree.

And oh, sorry, there will be a little disc of fried apple

as well.

How's that for a wife?

Yeah.

Great.

One quail's egg.

Okay, that's fine.

Yeah.

I was just gonna, I would really enjoy getting three opportunities to split the yolk.

Yeah, but we've only got one quail.

You can't overwork that poor guy.

No, no.

She's doing her best.

You used to have three quails, of course.

Sad times.

It's a cost of living crisis.

We can't afford three quails.

Yeah.

But you could have.

I mean, it's so dark in your house.

There could be three quails knocking around.

You wouldn't know.

That's delicious.

I think that sounds amazing.

So far, this is a very delicious.

It's making me very hungry.

24 oysters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We had oysters yesterday.

Every time I have oysters, I do think

this could be the day that one really makes me ill.

And I was worried yesterday.

We did have some oysters, and I was panicking that I'm going to turn up to the old.

But isn't that part of the attraction?

Well, I forgot.

Yeah, definitely for you.

Is the risk.

Evil can evil over here.

Yeah.

It'd be like the, you know, the puffer fish.

Yeah.

The puffer fish, if you eat the wrong bit, you die instantly.

Yeah, yeah.

I know that because of The Simpsons.

There's an episode in The Simpsons, I believe, so that's how I know that too.

Yeah, that's how I know that too.

There were some things that I only know because they're in The Simpsons.

Yeah.

And one is that if you eat a puffer fish, you could die.

Yeah.

I've never had one, but I would like to try one.

I mean, eventually.

Yeah, I imagine you'd love to try it.

Well, that would make you feel alive, wouldn't it?

It would.

For a while.

and we're back live during a flex alert oh we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m folks and that's the end of the third time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m what a performance by team california the power is ours

so dream main course what are we moving towards yeah well it's all it's all downhill from here i mean i the that's the really that that's my favorite part of the meal is the for is all that bit

i really starters are your favorite starters and pre-starters.

And then I'm kind of already feeling really queasy.

So I was kind of hoping you'd help me with the main course.

Okay.

I mean, I have, like, okay, I love roast beef.

So that would be, yeah, definitely roast beef and, you know, all the stuff that goes with that.

But.

So, what help do you need?

I need help with, because this is a dream restaurant.

Yes.

So there, so I suppose I do consider myself quite adventurous when it comes to food.

So I'm always looking for a new sensation.

I was in Hong Kong recently,

as recently as a few days ago, which is possibly why I'm rambling in the way I am.

And I had something I had never tried before, stink beans.

Stink beans.

Stink beans.

So

they're beans.

They're like a broad bean

or an edamame type of thing.

That's the shape of them, but they're stinky and they taste like kind of foul, but in a good way.

You know, it's kind of like a fermented, sort of a mad taste.

And the taste stays with you for a really long time.

Like, I can still taste it.

So is that, do you want stinked beans?

Are you saying that's the level of adventurous you?

Yeah, but no, but I loved it because it was new and I couldn't believe it.

And I thought for a few minutes, like, this is my favorite food ever.

I just want to eat stinked beans for the rest of my life.

You know, because it was new.

And I thought I wouldn't be able to taste something new.

Yeah.

You know, and I had durian fruit as well.

Have you had that?

Yeah.

I've not had it properly.

I think I've had durian flavoured ice cream before.

Okay.

But that's the fruit that's banned on public transport.

Yes,

and rightly so.

And you have to wear plastic gloves when you eat it.

And you have to be outside when you're eating it because of the smell of it.

And

it's absolutely overpowering.

But it's an amazing taste sensation.

It's really fleshy.

It's like a liver or something.

Yeah,

but a yellow mango-coloured liver.

Liver.

It's amazing.

Like, as soon as, like, in this meal, as soon as your wife leaves,

eating

stinks like shit.

Stinky beans.

Just stinky beans.

Yeah.

You had to wear gloves on the outside.

It's the stinkiest guy in the world.

Anyway, I want you to help me just with the main course.

Like, okay, roast beef will be the, you know, we'll fall back on that if you can't help me.

but at this dream restaurant is there something that i haven't had that maybe you guys have had that you would recommend i mean i'm a genie obviously i can make you anything yeah create you new stuff if you like beef but you also want something new that's i can make you like stinky beef oh we can invent a type of roast dinner that stinks stinky beef yeah and that would satisfy both of your needs yeah something familiar fermented beef or something Yeah, just like really stinky.

You've got to eat it.

Not even outside.

You've got to eat it like on an oil rig.

You can't be anywhere near land.

You've got to be totally alone as well.

You can't be around other people.

Yeah.

You've got to go to an oil rig and eat your stinky beef.

And you've got to wear like a full hazmat suit.

Yeah.

It's just got a straw coming out of it that you've got to feed the stinky beef into.

Oh god.

How do you make you get it up the strawberry?

You tip your head back like

a pelican eating a fish.

Sock like Pejases.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Socked like Pejas.

And

like that.

And it stinks real bad.

I was already, I don't know if anyone knows that, I was already practicing socking.

You are, I thought you're doing it.

Up an imaginary straw there.

And if you touch it,

it sticks to your fingers like garlic.

What would give it the stink?

What sort of stink?

How would you prepare the beef that would

make it

required level of stink?

It's the cut of beef is from specifically

the

rice, okay

butthole, yeah, and we just follow it along all the way to the stomach but it's just that whole root and we're so tender and

so that is the straw essentially yeah yeah it's essentially the straw

straw yeah we carve that out like literally less than a second after the cow has had a shit

so

and we carve it out so delicately that we can remove it and the cow can carry on living Yes.

And it's just got a slightly bigger canal.

Okay.

Yeah.

I don't want that.

Yeah.

But you've never had it.

I've gone back to my original.

You asked for

roast beef.

Roast beef.

It's stinks.

It stinks.

It stinks.

We've washed it, but it still stinks because it was so fresh that it had the turd.

Yeah, and the taste stays with you for a year.

Yeah.

A calendar year.

Say with you for a calendar year.

Yeah.

And you have it with just all the usual trimmings.

Okay, I'll have that.

I'll have that.

I'll have it.

I'll have it.

I trust you.

I don't know why, but I trust both of you.

Yeah, it'd be a new experience.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

It would stink so bad, and it would be familiar because it's like roast beef.

It's your favorite meal.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, if you don't want it, you don't have to have it.

No, no, no, I don't have to have it if you don't want it.

Because I pride myself on being adventurous.

Yes.

I'll eat, you know, you've got to try everything.

So I'll be the first person in the world to try that.

Also, all the cow has been eating is stinky beans.

That's all it's been eating in durian fruit.

It's just been eating that.

That's all it's been fed for like a really long time.

Okay.

Like ages.

It's growing on me, definitely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It works.

Do you s do you want the the trimmings with the roast beef to be normal trimmings or do you want them to be stinky trimmings?

Well in this case, yes.

I want it to be very normal.

Normal trimmings.

Yes.

Normal as possible.

So

what are the dream trimmings?

What are we having with it?

Well, I would go cauliflower cheese sauce.

Big thing for me.

Cauliflower cheese sauce.

Yeah.

Really big thing for me.

So just the sauce?

No, no, cauliflower with cheese sauce.

Or cheese sauce with cauliflower, whichever you prefer.

But you know why I got mixed up, right?

No.

Cauliflower.

Cauliflower cheese.

That's how I say it too.

I don't know.

I was really clear.

I mean,

I couldn't have been any clearer, Ed.

Cauliflower, Common Cheese Suit.

That's cauliflower cheese.

Cauliflower cheese sauce.

You can say cauliflower cheese, and then we all know what it is.

Well, if I said steak chips, like, you know.

Well, that's not the name of the dish, is it?

Cauliflower cheese is the name of the dish.

That's cauliflower with cheese.

I was eliding.

I was like, you know, I could have said, I could have put in the and, but for time, we've already gone over time.

Well,

I was, I was abbreviating.

Well, bad luck because it's going to be stinky cauliflower now.

That'll do me.

One of my big achievements in recent years, possibly my biggest achievement ever actually, was

I did sauerkraut.

I made sauerkraut.

Tell you what.

Okay, yeah, good.

I just think you've had bigger achievements.

Sure.

Honestly, you made sauerkraut.

Yeah.

That is, well, I consider it to be my biggest achievement.

Yeah.

I mean, honestly, like, it's,

you know,

I'm Irish, so, you know, you, you tend to like,

you know, nothing's good enough.

But.

Yeah, I think someone just cheered you being Irish, Julie.

But yeah, the sauerkraut was it was it so which is fermented and it's kind of stinky.

Yeah.

And it's like, I just, it felt great making it.

You know.

When you say it felt great.

It felt it.

It felt great because you actually have to put a huge amount of effort into it.

It's a physical effort because, I mean, there's the cutting of the cabbage.

Yeah, which is freestanding, obviously.

Yeah, with a razor on this occasion, because you've got to cut it really, really thinly.

Like good feathers.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, that's where I got the idea for the razor.

But yeah, they don't do it with a cabbage from memory.

Which is the Irish version.

Good lads.

And they'll just cook it with a razor.

That's right.

But

when you cut the cabbage and you think it's thin enough, it's not.

So

you've got to really shred it.

But then you've got to squeeze it for hours, days.

Like you've got to

knead the cabbage to get all the juice out of it.

Which is right up your street.

That's just touching, isn't it?

Just hard touching.

Honestly, so that in itself was an achievement.

But I spent like literally seven hours just

kneading cabbage.

Like,

just squeezing it and squeezing it, and you know,

and making that noise

in the dark as well.

Yeah,

in the dark,

stood in the quail.

We're another quail down, yeah.

And yeah, it was anyway,

it was a big day for me.

So, cauliflower and cheese sauce.

Yeah, cauliflower cheese sauce, sprouts.

Yep.

I'd go for sprouts.

But that might be a side.

Oh, I mean, we can move on to your side dish if you want.

Or can we just do both together?

Yeah, let's do both danums.

Let's both be dancing.

The trimmings and the side dish.

Okay, so sprouts.

Yes.

Roasted in the oven with parmesan and balsamic.

Nothing else.

Lovely.

Yeah.

Gorgeous.

Thank you.

You've got to roast them.

You've got to roast them.

This is why sprouts got a bad rep.

Yeah.

Because people were boiling them.

Yeah.

I mean, I know there's a bit of rehabilitation going on with the sprouts.

Is there?

I think so.

I I think so.

I want to be at the Vanguard.

I want to

promote Sprouts.

Sprouts were cancelled.

Before cancel culture existed, Sprouts were cancelled.

But now they've posted an apology on their iPhone notes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're coming back.

Cabbage has seen all the pretenders come and go.

Doesn't it?

Sure has.

Cabbage.

Sounds like a pirate.

Cabbage.

Cabbage sounds like a pirate?

Yeah.

Have you not known.

I think we need to get the Ardol's wife's phone number ready.

What do you mean it sounds like a pirate?

Like a pirate's name called Cabbage?

Well, I mean, Cabbage.

have you ever have you ever looked at a cabbage for like property there's a period in my life where i looked at a lot of cabbages

if i'm honest

that's true

wasn't a good time

but yes i've looked at a cabbage you have did you ever think that sounds like a pirate no

didn't cross my mind and i'm embarrassed to say that now

So you look at a cabbage.

I just think of...

Okay, I don't really think of a cabbage.

This is the first time I've thought of a cabbage in terms of pirates.

And

what I meant by that is like, you know, you've all this terrible food, kale and stuff like that,

that have been in fashion for periods of time.

Yeah.

And they've gone, rightly.

Yeah.

People have realized what were we thinking.

Cabbage has been there all along,

like,

smoking a pipe.

Not literally.

I'm not being literal here.

And it's not really a pirate.

Using imagery.

I'm using imagery of like the cabbage has been there, like an old pirate who's not at sea anymore.

Not at sea anymore.

He's not at sea anymore.

He's sitting on the dock of the bay.

Yes.

What's he doing on the dock of the bay?

He's been smug about how he's survived famine,

shipwreck.

That's a very different song.

Yeah.

Sitting on the duck of the bay,

feeling smug that I I survived famine and shipwreck.

Sitting on the duck of the bay, smoking a pie.

Or, you know, or I'm still standing is another way of.

So they've got an album now.

It's got an album.

God, stop.

Tell yourself to stop, Ardle.

You can release a Christmas album, The Cabbage.

There's a lot of people who have released Christmas albums.

Bradley Walsh.

Yes.

Jason Manford.

Why not a cabbage?

Cabbage is already.

Why not a cabbage at this point?

It is still standing.

It's sitting on the dock of the bay.

Brussels sprouts, baby cabbages, parmesan, balsamic.

Lovely.

So that's the side dish.

It's just the Brussels sprouts.

But the cabbages are maybe...

No, cabbage is just...

We just got talking about cabbage.

It's not.

The sprouts are the children of the cabbage.

They are.

Well, do you want us, maybe we could prepare a cabbage exactly the same as the Brussels sprouts.

So you've got like a giant Brussels sprout.

But with all the balsamic and the parmesan, and we've roasted it just right.

Yeah.

It would be like a big one of those.

Or could we get like

tiny cauliflowers?

Yeah.

You could...

I've always thought...

I mean, tiny cauliflowers, just chop a cauliflower, I guess.

Yeah.

As soon as I said it, I thought that too.

Because a cauliflower is basically loads of tiny cauliflowers all together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All stuck to one another.

I'm so glad you're here to keep it all legit.

But yeah, so sprouts, cauliflower cheese sauce.

Yeah.

carrots in some type of honey or you know honey glaze a honey glaze carrot lovely lovely roasted, yeah.

A Yorkie,

the pudding, not the dog, yeah, yeah.

Let's be clear, because you've been going a bit wild with this menu every now and again.

Yeah, I'm glad you chat there because I was thinking, yeah, dog or chocolate bar.

Yeah,

Yorkie and chocolate bar, of course.

Yeah, if you were to rank the Yorkies, the pudding, the chocolate bar, and the dog.

Or the dog.

Just favourites, you know, and you can apply favourite anyway.

Doesn't have to be eating it.

What order would you put them in?

I would put the Yorkshire pudding first.

Yorkshire pudding is your top.

That would be my number one.

He hates Yorkshire puddings.

Do you not like Yorkshire puddings?

Don't like them.

Is that because you've never had a good one?

Because they're very, very good.

Everyone always says this.

Everyone always says this.

But I think I probably have had what people would consider a good one.

But I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

They take up too much real estate on the plate.

No, they don't know.

And if you've listened to the podcast, you'll know this has already been disproven.

They take up too much editing.

It's already been disproven.

has pointed out that you put the Yorkshire pudding on first and everything else can go on top of that or even the small ones you can put those on top of everything else it doesn't take up any real estate

that does not work anymore led yeah

no way man and have you ever had the Yorkshire pudding which is the size of the plate are we talking about that there's that as well yeah which which which I've had which is literally the instead of a plate you have a Yorkshire pudding not instead of a plate yes You're not spending all that time on cutlery and then not even putting a plate out.

Well, I mean, it just,

it's a way of containing all the meat and

the other stuff.

Yeah, but then you're pouring.

I have had that before, actually.

And then you pour gravy in on the other stuff, and then at some point you have to breach.

You have to breach the pudding, and then all the gravy comes pouring.

Yeah, but wear shorts.

I mean.

No one's ever said that to me before.

Wear shorts.

Yeah, good on you, man.

Yeah.

Good on you saying it to him.

How's that for a guest?

Chocolate dog pudding.

That's my ranking.

Yeah.

You go the pudding last, the chocolate's first, and the dog at the dog in the middle, yeah.

I would go...

Normally I would put a dog

high up any list.

Yeah.

But I don't particularly like Yorkies.

No, yeah.

It'd be bottom of my list.

Yeah.

The dog would be bottom of mine.

The chocolate bar, the pudding would be top of mine.

Yeah, as well.

Yeah, yeah.

So I I think Ardell and I have the same,

same Rankins.

Yeah.

We're the same.

Yeah.

We're the same.

Great buds.

Yeah.

Only thing that Ed hates more than Yorkshire puddings is Kerry Gold butter.

He hates he hates it.

It's not true.

Actually, I fucking do hate it, actually.

Every Irish guest says, oh, I love Kerry Gold butter.

I just think.

I haven't mentioned that.

I haven't mentioned it.

No, no, no.

Not yet.

Might.

We just have one to wait and see.

Let's wait till dessert.

What's your dream drink then, Ardell?

Red wine.

I know.

It's that simple.

Red wine.

Just any red wine?

I'm not fussy.

I've gone through periods where I was more interested in red wine and I spent far too much money on it.

But now I'm just, I've got the ratio right, like kind of loveliness to cost.

Yeah.

So that is important, that metric.

Yes.

Do you have a favourite at home?

If you buy, if you're buying red wine for, to have with a roast dinner or something?

Is there a go-to for you?

Yeah, well, it'd be a Bordeaux if I was, you know,

I mean,

all the different ones.

But a Bordeaux would be my favourite.

Cabernet Sauvignon heavy with a Merlot, a touch of Merlot.

And that would, you know, left bank.

Left bank.

A bit of Puyak or something like that.

Lovely.

It's quite expensive.

Yeah.

But, no,

I don't buy the expensive stuff.

But where I got a test for it first was, I don't know if you ever did this gig in Paris.

There was a gig in Paris years ago.

So

one night, for whatever reason, he decided to pay me in wine and paintings.

So he had a little gallery.

This is absolutely true.

So he had a little gallery beside.

Paintings were quite nice.

So, you know, you kind of went, fair enough.

wine and paintings at least I'm at least I'm getting

something and so he went he just said go into the gallery and pick something there so we picked a painting, which we still hang in our house to this very day.

And then he says, come on and get on the back of his scooter.

So you're holding a painting at this point.

Holding a painting, yeah.

And bombing through Paris.

And he brings me to this little, I don't know what you'd call it.

It was a shop of some sort, but it was a very small, pokey little shop.

And it's sort of like it was almost one of those where you had to kind of knock on the door while peering suspiciously, you know, around.

And

you go in and they had all these one-off bottles.

And I knew nothing about wine at this stage.

And he was saying, these are the best wines.

So there's one called Chateau Latour, which is, you know, it's a very famous wine, costs about a thousand pounds a bottle.

Like, this was from 1965 or something.

And you could see it, it's like a lot of it was missing.

Well, some of it was missing through evaporation or whatever.

And so you have no idea how they were stored or anything, but they were all, I think they were found in cellars or disused houses.

Like, I don't know where they found this stuff, but it was really cheap, like maybe 20 euros.

Wow.

Yeah.

So I got a bottle of that.

And then just having a bottle of that and then reading about it and learning about it.

And like kept it for months and months and months, think, you know, like, oh, God, you know, what occasion will we open this bottle?

And eventually you open it.

And it's a bit crap because

it's really, really old and everything else.

But then, I had another experience where this person I was working with, who was very, very wealthy, and he lived in a in in sort of near Regent's Park and stuff like that and he had a wine cellar didn't drink red wine himself bizarrely but he had a fantastic seller and we were there for Sunday dinner once and he said basically go down and take whatever you want for dinner and we took a bottle of Chateau Latour and it was the most amazing drinking experience I think I've ever had So that was the same wine that you got from the little shop?

Yeah.

But this was like proper

being looked after.

Like really incredible.

I mean, I've only had it once in my life.

Yeah.

Oh, hold on.

So.

I thought you had it twice but this is the dream restaurant so oh yeah you'll have that dream one again

the rich man's house yeah not the one with the bit missing

after a gig to i assume horrific expats

oh no

who's the rich man

uh

everyone sat there going who could that rich man

i'm not going to tell you the rich man could rich

Want to tell us who the rich man is?

Nope.

Are they Irish?

Nope.

English.

English rich man.

English rich man.

There are a few.

King Charles now, actually.

King Charles II, the third, fourth?

I don't know.

Sorry.

No,

someone who works in the entertainment field.

I worked with once upon a time, briefly.

King Charles definitely drinks red wine, anyway.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's seen his weird fingers.

I met him once.

Did you?

I did, yeah.

I met him once.

I did a play in London years ago called See You Next Tuesday.

It was a farce.

And

could have looked at either one of us when you said that.

Yeah.

See you next Tuesday.

See you next Tuesday, of course.

You'll be familiar.

I was doing See You Next Tuesday.

Yes.

And Prince Charles and Camilla came along one night.

Yes.

Actually, do you know who came the night before?

Roger Moore and Michael Caine.

What?

Came together to the wow.

Yeah.

They had a dining club which coincidentally was called the See You Next Tuesday dining club.

They used to meet once a month on a Tuesday night.

Roger Moore and Michael Caine were in a dining club called the Kunk Club.

Yeah.

And they came backstage and they met us all and it was lovely.

And then the next night, he was then a mere prince, Prince Charles,

and Camilla came along and

he just whispered to me.

He said,

by the way.

So is this backstage?

This is backstage.

He walked right up to you and started whispering.

Yeah, yeah.

He doesn't, yeah, he whispers.

It's not that unusual that

a member of the royal family would whisper.

Is it?

I would say they spend most of their time at court standing behind curtains, whispering.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

That makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, whispering to each other.

Potting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what he said to me was: he said,

I don't even know why I'm telling you this.

It's a shit story.

He just said,

he just said,

he said, by the way, I love Father Ted.

He said,

so that's to his credit, if nothing else.

He loves Father Ted.

Imagine that he knew what CU Next Tuesday meant.

Oh, I think he knows.

Oh, yeah, I've just remembered some of the stuff he said.

You know, the bit I'm thinking of, right?

What the Charles has said.

Yeah.

No?

I genuinely don't know.

I'm not even

trying to tease this out of you about it.

It was reported that he once said to Camilla on the phone, they were having like a sexy conversation.

You know this, that he wanted to be her tampon.

He whispered that to me as well.

I love Father Ted.

And also before I go, Ardle,

I want to be your tampon.

We arrive at your dream dessert then, Ardle.

So

do you mind if I...

I like to eat a dessert while the guest is talking.

Can you talk about dessert?

I love dessert so much.

Oh, yes, go ahead.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

Yes, so

feel free to.

Here it is.

Little dessert here for me in a cloud.

Now, this choice, this next choice is very important, James.

It's a bit sticky.

Yep.

I don't know if I can.

I don't know if I can watch

How's the girth?

Oh my god

it's full

It's full of a cream

That looks

I'm sorry about this Ardol

I didn't know this was going to happen when I bit into this

The cream looks

exactly like cup,

and some has just dripped out onto my hand

and it's currently running down.

But it's delicious.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, Adol.

No, no, no, you go ahead.

I regret it.

Please watch us up.

Yes,

mine involves rhubarb.

Largely for sentimental reasons.

My mother's rhubarb, I can't say rhubarb very well.

Rhubarb.

There is an extra R in there, isn't it?

Rhubarb.

Rhubarb.

Rhubarb.

Rhubarb crumble.

Rhubarb crumble.

Rhubarb crumble.

My mother made a fabulous rhubarb crumble.

She made a really good crumble.

Yes.

And

I always loved it.

I've tried to replicate it myself on occasion.

So replicate causes some trouble there, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Is this making you nervous?

It is.

I don't like it, I'll be honest with you.

Yeah.

I can tell you you don't like it.

I don't like the whole concept.

I mean, you know,

nothing against penises

or the bun.

That's not a bum.

Do you think, Ardlo, do you think that's a bum?

What?

Do you think the things that dangle below your penis are a bum?

I said a bun.

Oh, a bun.

I thought you said a bum.

No.

I thought you thought the balls were the bum.

That would be a real exclusive.

Ardlo Hanlon thinks his balls are his bum.

Yes, that would be.

Also.

That would be really terrible.

So I've been shitting out my penis all these years.

That would be really weird, all right, Jess said.

Oh, silly me.

The detail

sorry.

The detail that I like here

is that they have put more of the

cream in the balls.

Yeah,

that's where most of it is.

I think there's a load of napkins there.

Well, don't wipe your hands yet.

You've got a whole fanny to finish.

I'm not eating the fanny.

This, by the way, is charnishing the memory of my lovely mother's

crumble.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Ado.

That's okay, okay, that's okay.

You're talking about your mother's lovely crumble that you used to enjoy.

Yeah.

We didn't know that you'll dessert have been so heavily tied to your mother

when we decided I would eat a chocolate cock.

It just feels more disrespectful

to sit here throughout the story with my hands.

And this isn't a bun caked

in sweet jiz.

Thank you, Alan.

This is Alid, everyone.

Round of applause.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, Ardo.

Please, wipe all the cum off your hands before Ardo remembers his mother.

This is all I'm going to remember about this night as well.

Well,

we're talking about your mother.

Anyway,

I like rhubarb crumble.

It was, yes.

Rhubarb is a is a thing that

I

like to touch.

Sometimes I cut it freestanding.

I've tried to I came across a recipe recipe for like

a more contemporary crumble with pink peppercorns.

Yeah.

A food writer called Ravinder Bogal, I think is their name.

So pink peppercorns, pomegranates, loads of orange juice as well as rhubarb.

And then the crumble can be sort of anything, loads of different nuts.

and the other stuff that goes into crumble.

What else is in the crumble?

The bread,

the biscuits or whatever the fuck.

Biscuits.

I'm getting tired.

I've never talked this much in my life

about oats.

Maybe oats.

Oats, all that kind of thing.

It's just rhubarb in the

almonds, crushed almonds.

It's mainly rhubarb, pomegranates, orange juice, lots of sugar.

And I think that's about it.

And pink peppercorns, loads of them.

To give it that crunch

and to give it that just a spice, a spice kick.

That sounds really good.

Yeah, it's really good.

It's great.

Yeah, I'd really like to try that, actually.

Do you get the.

My favourite bit of the crumble is when some of the rhubarb bubbles through the crumble at the bottom.

Bubbles.

Bubbles.

I don't want anything to do with it.

No way.

I'm so sorry.

I do not want bubbles in my rhubarb crumble.

I'm so sorry.

That's more disturbing than him eating the chocolate cock.

There's a few bubbles in that, actually.

No bubbles.

No bubbles in the crumble.

You know the thing I mean, though, where it breaches a little bit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I do like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The sort of the lava flows.

Yes, exactly, yeah.

And it goes a bit more caramelized around the edges.

Oh, yes.

I love rhubarb crumble.

What are you having the rhubarb crumble with?

What's your accompaniment with the rhubarb crumble?

Rhubarb ice cream, I suppose.

Really?

Yeah.

That's massive.

I've never heard that before.

Are you making the rhubarb ice cream?

Are you buying the rhubarb ice cream?

My wife is

making the rhubarb ice cream.

I'll make the crumble, but she will make the rhubarb.

It's like every time it's like there's a sort of 80s rap DJ.

Rhubarb.

Working in the waltzes or something.

Yeah, I should have practiced that.

I should have practiced that word before coming out tonight.

Well, you didn't know what was going to happen, to be fair.

You didn't know what's going to happen.

Thrown me completely.

i regret it i regret it so much

how many scoops of rhubarb ice cream are we talking about i would just go one i'm not really a dessert person um

i

prefer cheese yeah baby

well arbor what i'd say is

if you don't feel forced into a dessert dessert if you want to if you prefer cheese you can have a cheese board at this point of the meal can i have can i have both no no i yeah i think if you don't want the rhubarb crumble you don't have to worry about that.

You can have a cheese board instead.

You can have a cheese board instead of dessert, Ardol.

Ardol.

Oh, han, nung.

Okay.

I think, because I've had rhubarb crumble since I was like one.

You've had it too much.

I've had it too much, haven't I?

Yeah.

James, for the listener, has just tried to throw a chocolate vagina at Ardle

and it's disappeared.

disappeared.

Yet again,

this happens with all of James's breakups.

Oh, there he is.

So, so it would you like instead of the rhubarb crumble, you'd like to go for a

cheese board, yeah.

But a lovely tour, Ardle.

Whole tour's been great.

At the end of it,

you should cheese one.

I'll be a chocolate dick.

The worst end that any tour has.

Talk us through what cheeses you'd like, Ardel.

Well, there's got to be

a hard one in there.

I would go

a huda.

Oh, lovely.

Aged huda.

An aged gouda.

Yeah.

An aged gouda.

Dutch cheese, yeah.

Yeah.

Lovely.

Yeah, easier to say than rhubarb.

Yes.

Yeah.

Huda.

So I would definitely have that.

Like the older, the better.

Stinkier.

Lovely.

And a little, there's also a little bit of sweetness in some cheeses, so you are getting some sweetness in this.

You are, yeah.

Yeah.

Salty, sweet.

Salty, sweet.

No,

yeah.

Does this happen a lot?

This hasn't happened on the tour yet, actually.

I'm absolutely delighted that it's the last one.

James is now peeking out from behind the set.

A blue cheese, Ardel?

A blue cheese, yeah.

Lovely.

Sure.

A Stilton.

I would go with Stilton.

A classic Stilton.

A blue cheese.

So that would be the hard, the blue, the soft would be

a month.

Okay, I'm going to have dessert.

He'll have dessert, James.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

But a Mont d'Or.

I love Montour.

Yeah, lovely.

Montour.

Yeah.

Delicious.

Yeah.

Yeah, and oh, yeah, rhubarb crumble.

I would love to have that.

It would be great.

You'll read your menu back to you now, Arnold, so you feel about it.

It's a lovely menu.

You would like still water in a glass with good girth, heft, weight, and lip.

You want skips the size of poppadons.

You would like 24 oysters with shallots and red wine vinegar.

You would like your wife's special scallops with the discs of

clonacil tea.

Black pudding.

With a minty pea puree, a fried pearls egg and a disc of fried apple.

Main course, stinky beef with all the normal trimmings, cauliflower, cheese sauce, roast sprouts with parmesan and balsamic as your side dish, honey glazed carrots, and a Yorkshire pudding.

Drink 1965 Chateau de la Tour from the rich man's cellar.

Dessert, rhubarb crumble, rhubarb ice cream, followed by a cheese board with gowda stilton, mundor and whatever else.

Disgusting shit was on there.

The menu of Ardelo Hanyon.

Addo Hanyon.

Hanyon?

Ardelo Hanyon.

Thank you so much, Ardel.

You've been brilliant.

Ardel,

that is a delicious menu.

That's a fantastic menu.

Thank you so much, Dr.

Ardelo Hanlon, everybody.

Goodbye, Brother.

There we are.

Final show of the tour done.

Thank you, everyone who came to the off-menu live tour and made it so much fun for us.

We were all wonderful audiences every single night.

There wasn't one evening where we came off and went, look.

Yeah, exactly.

What a rubbish crowd.

Every time we were like, we're the luckiest men on the planet.

And we did say that.

And thanks so much to everyone at Plosive.

Thanks so much to our tour manager, Paul.

Thanks so much to photographer, Paul.

Thanks to our whole crew.

We had a whole crew on the tour with this, James.

There was a whole crew, which is something that like Ed and I will hold our hands up, or maybe I should just hold my hand.

Maybe Ed didn't know this, but when Benito said, hey, do you want a set?

Here's an idea for the set.

It's a lamp.

It's a clouds.

And you're going to be sitting on clouds.

There'll be a big pop-adom in the background.

We're like, yeah, that looks cool.

Yeah.

And then we turned up on the first night and there was a massive tour bus outside the venue.

And we were like, is that for us?

Like a joke?

Yeah.

And then they went, yep.

Yep.

We're like, what?

Well, it's for your crew.

Crew got to sleep with me.

What are you talking about?

We went in.

Oh, yeah.

People have to set up the set that we approve and bring it, bring it with them.

And they have to pack it down every night.

Yeah.

You know, on the residency nights, they have to do it on the final night, pack it all down and then travel overnight to the next venue.

Yeah.

Sleep it in.

So, a bunch of absolute legends.

Just so good.

Like, didn't meant that we didn't have to stress at all for the whole tour.

Yeah.

Really appreciate it.

And sorry for making you do it.

Yes.

Apologies to everyone involved.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah.

Go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off menu on youtube and full episodes but it's embarrassing man it's not embarrassing at all it's really cool we're on youtube with the great and good the coolest people in the world are on youtube me you logan paul who's logan paul the dad from succession

at off menu podcast that's what benito's calling us now and we're on tick tock this is embarrassing man it's not embarrassing man we're cool we're like olivia rodrigo and ed people have been asking us battering us bothering us actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.