Ep 245: Tommy Tiernan (Live in Dublin)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

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So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

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Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Oh boy, it's not Friday.

It's not Sunday.

It's somewhere in the middle.

I was going to say it's I need to say it's Saturday before you do that.

It's the first show of our tour that came live from Dublin, our residency at the Board Gush Energy Theatre in Dublin.

That means Gasboard.

It was on the 27th of November, 2023.

And James, we only went and bagged a couple of absolute stunners for Ireland.

And the first of which is Tommy Tiernan.

Look, we absolutely love being in Dublin.

We love the comedy of Tommy Tiernan.

He's a...

a comedy icon of mine, if I'm honest.

Yes.

So this was very exciting.

Yes, and we knew it was going to be an interesting episode.

Yes.

And I think it is.

Yeah, it's a fantastic episode.

And if you're familiar with Tommy Tiernan, this is, for me, like quintessential.

Vintage.

Tommy Tiernan.

It's really good stuff.

The secret ingredient was Marietta Biscuits, which is a sort of plain Irish biscuit that we were told about from the audience in the first part.

It's a buttery kind of thing in between and you push it together and it comes out the holes.

I didn't really keep up with it, but like the Irish audience...

well one person told us about it.

Yes, we heard a lot about different Irish foods, a lot about spice bags.

Yeah, we got quite the education.

A wonderful audience to finish the tour on.

Yeah.

Obviously, this is the first of two.

First of two of a residency.

This is the Off Menu Menu live in Dublin of Tommy.

Tommy Tiernan.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Taking the sausages of conversation.

Adding the sausages of humor.

The sausages of friendship,

and putting it all in the big sausage of the internet.

It's the Off-Menu Sausages podcast.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Castle.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever-star and main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Tommy Tinnan.

So excited to have Tommy.

We've got Tommy for the Dublin show, Jason.

It's a national treasure episode.

We're very excited about it and it's live.

We know the secret ingredient already.

Keep that in your heads.

This is the off-menu menu of Tommy Tinnan.

Welcome, Tommy.

You don't get to say welcome when you're in my country.

I get to say, welcome, Ed and James.

Thank you, Tommy.

Thank you.

And was that you saying it, or was that...

Are you actually saying it?

No, yeah, I mean it, yeah, totally.

James, what are you doing?

Yes, sorry.

We've got to kick the show off properly, Tommy.

Because James is a genie now.

He's a genie in this.

So, I mean, it's up to you whether you want to rub the lamp or not, or whether we can imagine rubbing the lamp if that's easier for you.

Why don't the two of us just have a chat

and see how long he can squat behind there?

Not forgetting he is fully squatting and he does still have an ice cream in his pocket.

That's the pre-prison squash.

Tell me, to rub the rubber.

Yeah, go ahead.

They give the lamp a rub.

Where do I rub it?

You rub the radio.

There we go.

Oh my goodness.

Welcome, Tommy Tin into the dream restaurant.

We're expecting you for some time.

Although you should be welcoming me.

That's almost as amazing as Maas.

Wouldn't Maas be amazing if it was that simple?

Just

rub the goblet and out comes God.

I'd definitely go for sure.

What would you want God to say to you if he leapt out the goblet?

Sorry.

And we'd ask him for an explanation and he'd say, I don't know, I just love drama.

God talking about it.

If you think about it, yeah, the earth is like God's television.

He just

loves crime series, true crime series.

Murder, war movies.

He loves the art, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Flicking through reality for his entertainment.

Yeah.

So that's, I

want him to say sorry.

It would be a good explanation if God just went, I'm just a messy bitch.

Would you consider yourself a foodie, Tommy Turner?

Not really.

Very simple, very...

I grew up in a house where my mother really had very

little interest in us.

Really, no, it's a wonder she fucking gave birth at all.

She would stand at the cooker, but just be staring out the window.

So our food was generally heated as opposed to cooked.

So we would have had, do you remember the mashed potatoes that the robots made?

Smash.

Yes.

That was like water plus baby food or some weird shit like that.

We'd have that.

We'd have fish fingers.

We used to have the saddest fucking dinner.

Bacon and cabbage, but it was boiled to the point of being beyond nutritional.

Yeah.

Like it was the ghost of food.

It was just...

It was the saddest plate.

I've

if depression was food, it would be like it was just...

Some food makes you happy.

Like,

like, you know, kind of, if you're getting it, it, you know, the fizz from fizzy cola bottles.

Like, sucking them is just,

I'm alive.

Yeah, I do know that.

He does know that.

Or, you know, when you lick Pringles and you're kind of going, I'm very bad.

Yeah.

How many times are you listening to Pringle?

I'm a very bad man.

I presume when you lick a Pringle, just to be clear, because they're curved, you're licking the dish, not the underside.

As my father said to me as I was leaving the house, always lick the dip, Tom.

Always.

Always lick the dip.

Yeah.

Always lick the dip.

Very clear.

So apply that in whatever area of your life you feel inclined, but that's the advice I give.

Always lick the dip.

Was there any dish that you had when you were growing up that you looked forward to?

Was there like a treat dish that you were like, oh, we're doing that tonight?

No, well, my father would give us food every Friday evening.

And

his,

there was a chipper in Navin called Valley Cafe.

And it was, it was, it was like being loved.

Do you know what those places where you go in and they're not huge and the wood is dark and everybody, it's always kind of, it was never, I never seem to remember it being open during the summer, although it must have been, but it was kind of a winter, Friday evening, wintery place, and lots of physical contact.

It's like kind of chips in a wardrobe, and

the smell of

vinegar and salt and love.

So every Friday, my dad used to get us chips, and

that would have been the thing we looked forward to every week.

I did grew up in a strange house, you know, full of maritime.

Like, my mother was a very odd woman.

Like, we had to take the cat for a drive.

Like, she would say to it, like, do they, like, women want to be alone sometimes?

But my mother couldn't tolerate any living creature being in the house.

So, my father used to take us for pointless drives.

into

into the fucking the countryside with nothing in it every Sunday.

And I remember my mother, you know, we all be in the car.

My mother would open the door and say, take the fucking cat with you.

So that was for your mother's benefit because when you first said it, I assumed that you were taking the cat for a drive for the cat's benefit.

Yeah, that's what it sounded like to me as well.

It's very hard to know what cats want.

I couldn't say the cat was ever pleased or displeased being in the car.

He was just

resigned like the rest of us.

It's rare that a cat knows what day it is as well.

But I bet your cat was like, it must be Sunday.

So it's hard to know.

But that's the kind of house we grew up in, you know, kind of.

And food was never

like, we never came home gladly

as children.

Do you know what I mean?

It was one of them houses where you just go, oh, fuck.

I loved my friends' houses.

Like we had, and back in those days, like we all lived in the same type of house.

And there was, it's only as you get older that you realise, were some houses bigger than other houses?

Like, we lived in an ordinary estate house,

very small, and there was about 140 or 50 houses in the estate.

And there was an exact opposite of it across the road.

And then down there, there was one row of kind of slightly, not posh, but a row of bungalows near us.

They were fucking mad, like because one of the, there was one two-story house, and their fucking, yeah, their sitting room

was upstairs.

Who the fuck are these people

that have sitting rooms upstairs?

And we found out later that the dad was a Protestant.

And that's the kind of thing the Protestants do.

They have the sitting room upstairs.

Because historically, the Catholics would have slept with the animals downstairs,

and the Protestants would be up with the furniture.

So we were, yeah.

And they were slightly better off than we were.

And they used to have Sunday dinner every day.

The heathens.

Every day they'd have a full Sunday roast, and sometimes I'd get fed at their house.

And I look forward to food there.

So, anyway, so ours was a warring house.

So the kitchen was never a place of rest.

It was never a place of.

Like I would like to do now with my family.

We have a round dinner table and

we all take our, you know, get the phones away while we're eating and no one's allowed on their phone at dinner time.

And we just, and

we try and have conversations, you know.

But growing up, like, food was like, you know, a pit stop at a Formula One race.

You just fucking

pull in, don't speak,

shovel it into me as fast as you can,

and go to bed.

That was it.

So, yeah, so I wouldn't say I'm a foodie.

I've never been a foodie, really.

Was that the question?

Yeah.

Do I talk too much?

No, absolutely not.

We are loving this.

It's about

podcasts.

We always start with still or sparkling water for the dream meal time.

I have no fucking time at all for water.

I won't be seen near the stuff.

Water to me is the liquid equivalent of waiting.

It is, it's, it's.

Now, having said that,

there is a very special place in County Kerry in Ireland called Glan Ngyalt.

And the literal English translation of it would be the Valley of the Mad.

And

historically, if you were suffering from any sort of mental affliction,

or not even, no, because I think we're all kind of mentally afflicted, but a kind of a...

maybe an antisocial mental affliction,

they would send you to the Valley of the Mad,

to Glandenjalt.

That's where you'd go.

Free bus ticket.

You're paying far too much attention to what I'm saying.

We test each other, aren't we?

And you'd go there to drink the water from the river.

And, you know, you hear about stuff like that, and you think it's just some sort of nonsensical folk tale.

But then, in the last 20 years or so, they've done tests on the water, and they've found out that it has extraordinarily high levels of lithium.

Natural lithium.

Now, you see,

I'm stunned that you're laughing already because

you're all on tablets, aren't you?

He's a podcast listener.

This is a different, a completely different generation to my generation.

You take medication to fucking cope, right?

We took medication because we were bored of coping.

We took drugs to fucking

taste the wind and

speak the seven languages of the sun.

You fucking take drugs to get you through double mats.

So

you're a different generation.

Anyway, so lithium is a natural antidepressant.

So

they were right.

This wasn't a kind of an invented nonsense.

This worked.

So if you could get me a glass of water

from the river that flows through the valley of the Mad,

I'd have a glass of that.

Absolutely can.

To start with.

Delicious.

Lovely.

To start with.

Do you want

wedged lemon in that or anything?

I also like.

I'm on a bit of a tonic water buzz at the minute.

I was in Africa last week.

And I wasn't sure what to eat in Africa.

And the part of Africa I was in.

You'd always be worried, especially when you're going on long drives in Africa or Asia, and you're just after arriving, you'd be worried about getting diarrhea and stuff and driving through the countryside and not knowing how to cope with that.

So I wasn't sure what to eat.

I wanted to give my body a few days and I wasn't sure, didn't want to go near any of the juices.

I lived in Africa for a little while as well.

And we had a mango tree in our back garden.

I loved it, I don't think I was ever happier than when I was up the tree away from my mother

eating mangoes.

Just you and the cat.

Just me and the cat.

Just sucking mangoes.

It was beautiful.

This microphone reminds me of a mango.

So when I was in Africa and I didn't know what to, recently and I didn't know what to eat or drink to start off with, I was in a bar and I decided to go for the tonic water and I love it actually.

And I know there's quinine, is that the thing that's in tonic water?

A lot of people drink gin and tonic, so I would like like the quinine.

I love it.

So that's kind of an answer to your lemon question.

Yes.

Which is a bit like the classical Irish, the classical Irish joke about you ask somebody for directions and they say, well, I wouldn't start from here.

Problems on bread, problems on bread, Tommy Tanner.

Problems on bread.

I think I would have to.

I get full very quickly.

That might be an Irish thing as well, of like we weren't rared on starters.

No.

So

starters don't make any sense to me.

So

I'll eventually get around to the pop-doms and bread thing.

But let's start with

the sluggish starters.

So, a starter, an ideal starter for me, would just be

to be beaten.

Can I tell you one of my sexual fantasies, just to get that out of the way?

Absolutely, please.

I'd love to be alone.

That's my sexual fantasy.

No, I'd like to be,

I'd like to be alone in a warehouse, a really,

really

big

warehouse with a...

It's completely dark, but I also have a blindfold on and

my hands are behind my back.

Tied up or just behind your back?

Every time you just, you're making things awkward.

I will occasionally ask you questions of you

just have your hands behind your back like a bobby on the beat, you know.

Yeah, but hands don't any but hands are behind my back.

Yes.

And what I would like to be what I would like is a naked,

angry

Serena Williams

to run into me.

Now, the thing is repeatedly, not just once, like

she runs into me and I'm fucking knocked down to the ground like Calcietin.

And I can just hear her furious somewhere in the warehouse.

Somewhere in the warehouse.

Yeah.

And Serena's got free reign of the whole warehouse.

She destroys me.

She fucking destroys me.

Presumably she's got night vision goggles on or something so she can see exactly where you go.

She's like, this is like Signs of the Lambs kind of stuff.

She's dragging me back down to Earth with these questions.

I'm just trying to think about it from Serena's perspective.

There's no point.

I don't think she'd be into it.

I don't think she's.

So she hates being there, right?

She's just annoyed at me for some reason.

That's all I know.

Me specifically.

Probably because she heard about this fantasy.

Yeah.

What was the question?

Was it pop-a-doms or bread?

Pop-a-doms or pop-doms or bread.

But often that gets confused.

Which tennis player do you want to slam into you in a warehouse constantly while you're blindfolded with your hands tied behind your back?

Often people confuse which were the Williams sisters we've asked them to.

I think it's too easy to eat a load of pop-adoms.

Yeah.

Isn't it?

It's too easy, like you're full before you know it.

And the same with bread.

I do like pechwari nan.

I'm a big pechwari nan fan.

If the food, if I was only eating pechwari nan,

I'd have that.

But I'm conscious of having to finish this fucking four-course meal.

So

I think I'd have maybe like the hint of a pop-adom or something,

like at like a place that a pop-adom had been on.

Yes,

like a tiny pop-adom, crisp, you're thinking.

Are we back in mass now?

Are we?

We're back in mass now.

Are we back at

mass body of Christ?

Yeah.

A tiny pop-adom, if you want to

take it like mass.

Just pop it on your tongue.

Controversial, that James.

Oh, and you brought it back round to that as well.

I thought we'd wriggle out of that conversation.

The whole blasphemy thing.

Jesus Christ.

So I'd say a hint of a pop-up dumb.

A hint of a pop-a-dum.

Do you want like the smell, sort of like the.

They don't really smell that good, do they?

Pop-a-doms.

No?

Donuts.

No one has ever said, I love the smell of pop-a-doms.

No, there's a kind of a.

it's kind of an angry wet bread smell of pop-a-doms, isn't there?

If you think about it, it's kind of, you know, but again, I'm supremely conscious of

not eating too much at the start, so I'd like a

shard, a kind of a dust cloud of pop-a-doms.

Something vague and

tempting but not filling.

Do you want to know the depths of that?

Yes.

Yes, I want the gyps.

Remember what Dad said.

So let's go on to your dream starter then, because like you're not really.

Well, I think we've heard it, haven't was that what Serena went on you down in the fucking wild

no I was I was the the the starter would be again uh

like

I what I was going to say about the steak was just to be beaten across the face with the steak or something just we're not used to starters in Ireland it's not we're not rared with starters like it's such a it's a dinner before your dinner like in in Irish restaurants like we have no clue in terms of like the proportionality of portions.

We don't have, we're still stuck in that thing of that

more equals better quality.

So you'd be going to a place and you'd say, I'll have, people might say, oh, I'll have the chicken wings to start.

And you get this fucking bucket.

And, you know, there's no room for anything else.

So I'd have a sliver of something.

George Love, actually.

Yeah.

Do you remember that?

I can't remember what it was called.

The fucking.

It was after Hannibal Lecter, The Screaming of the Sheep.

It was the sequel to

Science of the Lamp.

The Screaming of the Sheep, yeah.

Cannibal and Red Dragon.

Are you thinking about if you're building up towards when Rayleigh Otto has his brain cut out?

Yes, yeah, okay.

That would not be ideal.

That you're slowly going mad

and being fed yourself.

Like, I would love to eat.

I'd.

Would you put on weight if you ate yourself?

Would you?

Like if you were afraid your own brain, would you...

Oh.

I couldn't possibly.

I'm stuffed.

What was I thinking about?

Starterly being a brain.

Oh, yes.

No, what I would love to do is,

we're probably the only animals that don't do this.

I'd love to eat something that was alive.

As you're eating it, it's alive as you're eating it.

Yeah, like doesn't.

Like all other animals

get to do that.

Like they get to.

And we do.

Remember the little fish they used to get to clean your feet?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, did you ever just fucking.

And they're going mad in your mouth.

I think, I think, I'd like that.

I'd like to put it as a starter.

Just have something that kind of.

Do you have anything that's, you know, I didn't.

People are.

Do you have any vegan options?

You've eaten gluten-free?

Anything alive?

I'd like that.

I'd like something that was alive.

Yeah.

Do they people wine people?

They can't, you know, they

wine tasters and stuff like that.

Never, they always just rinse their mouth

and

then there must be some way of doing that with the type of food that that is

you know just to have a shoal full

of these micro

sharks

Yeah

swim to freedom

Yeah, so you get a taste of them.

Yeah, and just the the

closest we've ever got to to that is Fizzy Cola bottles.

Sure.

That's the closest we've ever come to having something that's alive in our mouths.

Certain body fluids that are alive.

Yeah.

But I've never had the pleasure.

Well, this is the dream restaurant.

Yeah.

Well,

anyone can be let into that warehouse, Tommy.

It's dark in there.

I would like to try a breast milk sorbet.

We're really jumping around here on what you're taking a while to decide.

We've been through all the classes.

Why is that disgusting to people?

When we're born, it's the only thing we want.

You know, and now look at us.

Oh, we're so mature.

You know.

I hadn't developed a taste for sorbet as an infant.

Bodybuilders drink breast milk, don't they?

Do they?

Apparently, some bodybuilders buy breast milk on the black market and drink breast milk because apparently it's better, like protein and stuff.

What do you think of that?

You have a habit of just stopping this conversation, Dad.

I mean, I was carrying on, I was trying to carry on the conversation.

You're the one who threw fucking breast milk sorbet into the mix.

You can't do that, Tommy.

You can't go, I'd love to eat breast milk sorbet.

Some people do.

This guy's fucking weird.

Who invited the weirdo to do?

I'm just saying, then I would love to eat it.

The fuck is this?

How do they, like, the reason I was stunned by it was because I'm curious as to how they would get it and how like because you know w when you're a fierce amount doesn't come out

you know it's not you don't anybody want to

chip in here with some facts

not a fierce factor yeah I guess there's some people who are pretty put their hand up over there

yeah that's a bloke

my mom told me that people used to go over to Lafayette

and actually like

get paid to pump milk because people were actually buying it.

Now it was usually like fetish people, but like

Your mum told you

that fetish people

used to buy it because people were paid to go and get pumped for those people.

How did your mum happen upon this information?

Huh?

Your dad told you.

Oh no.

Okay, so he bought it.

Yeah.

He was buying it and then it said, I've heard this happens.

Fair enough.

So there you go.

There's a mobile for everything.

Yeah, so again,

not too much of a starter, just

something to whet the appetite.

Lovely.

So something kind of like the smell of something or like a

mist, like

mist from the kitchen.

So second mist of the menu, Tommy.

Or is it really...

Do you want the mist to be your own,

the smell of, it doesn't have to happen to you, but the smell of your own brain sizzling in a pan?

Because there is that bit in that Hannibal scene where he starts sizzling the brain and Raleigh O's like, oh, that smells good.

And he actually, he performs that bit very convincingly.

And it makes me think, I bet that does smell delicious because he's really selling it.

So would you like that smell?

Sure, I tried that.

To smell myself.

The

scent of your own brain sizzling in a pan.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah.

I go for that totally.

Yeah, yeah.

You're right about the Irish not understanding starters.

Just as a point of information, there never was a famine.

Just that

other people wanted the food.

I like the sound of these other people.

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Dream main course, Tommy.

I'm not

interested in that question, but I would like to talk about

my dream main course would be, again,

I'm not mad for meat.

I prefer not to eat meat.

It's not a, I'm not a vegetarian or anything.

I don't think you're actually eating a cow.

Like it was a cow, but it's fucking not a cow now.

It won't be a cow tomorrow.

It won't

it'll be something else tomorrow.

I wouldn't eat a cow.

I wouldn't have the

nerve

to go up to a cow and just start eating it.

I, you know,

I wouldn't do that.

Nobody would.

I wouldn't even do it to like a chicken or

but once it's like what's on the plate is not the thing that was in the field.

But I still don't.

I would eat

a chicken if it was somehow in the shape of a baby.

I bet they could do that.

I fucking bet they could do that.

They could genetically,

not

it would still taste like chicken, but it would just be to see the other people in the restaurant going, what the fuck is he eating?

Like you imagine that would be quite easily done.

Like a plump roast chicken lying on its back would not need that much work

to look like a baby.

Yeah.

And people would be going, is he fucking, what's the fuck?

Is he?

I think he's eating a baby.

So

let's just park that for the moment.

Don't make that weird with any of your questions.

Okay.

Sorry, I've got nothing to add there.

But I would be a big fan of roast potatoes.

So I love roast potatoes and, like I said, a very simple taste when it comes to food.

So roast potatoes, doesn't matter how badly they're roasted, overdone, underdone, rightly done.

It almost even doesn't matter what's on them.

Rosemary or salt.

I was going to say Maura, Sandra, Trasa.

I like to pull potatoes out of the lady.

Who's this guy?

Yeah.

I like this.

Puts him back in the genie bots hole.

I like him.

Who is he?

He's fucking maddies.

What was I talking about?

Rosemary, roast potatoes, yeah.

So it doesn't matter.

Good point of that guy.

It doesn't matter what's on the potatoes as long as they're roasted.

And I love them.

I'd almost eat them as

all the time as

everything, like get up in the morning morning

and just you know

have two

and then maybe just fucking skip lunch altogether and then in the evening have about seven

and one going to bed i fucking love roast potatoes and i'd like like when parsnips are roasted

little slivery kind of with the joe when they're almost over roasted and they've this almost like this

tail, a little

wisp of something defiantly burnt but still parsnippy.

Carrots, I do roast carrots.

Sometimes they put a honey thing on.

I fucking discovered this popcorn recently that has blown my mind.

Kyo's.

Have you heard of Kyo's?

You have to eat these before you go back to any cue's, kyo's.

Kyo's.

Well, this episode is going to be released audio.

I can't wait for all the tweets at Ben being like, you've done a mad job editing this because

you've clearly missed out a bit.

He was talking about all the rose vegetables he likes, and then you just hard-cut him in talking about popcorn.

So.

And all the view we're going to have to go online.

No, no, no, no, that is what that's about.

We were launching this.

What's the popcorn immediately?

No, there is there is a link and the link is that kyo's do this new popcorn now i only discovered it like two or three weeks ago it's honey and sea salt fucking popcorn

like these people have nothing better to be doing than just thinking the shit to put on popcorn it is delicious so i would the the carrots would have

a kind of a honey you know the carrots have a honey glaze on them sometimes i kind of like burnt food

Yep.

I like, you know,

food that's just fucking, it's like

annoyed at you.

That's what burnt food is, isn't it?

Burnt food is kind of like, fuck you.

Isn't it?

Like,

like when you're having rashers, like a good bit of the rasher can be all right.

And then towards the end, it's going, oh, fuck you.

So I like my main course would be

mainly veg, but if possible,

chicken in the shape of a baby.

If it was at all possible.

Yes.

And

maybe we'd have a something to glass of something.

Maybe if we'd run out of the lithium water.

We'd have a glass of I tried this whiskey recently

and do they they

like I'm very easily led.

I don't believe that for a fucking second.

There were two of us trying to do it.

I'm sorry.

I'll be at home

hating myself later.

But I was reading it, Leonard Cohn was talking about being on tour in Europe in the 70s.

And he talked about we were spending a lot of money on this really expensive red wine that had this, these extra tannins in them that were almost, he said they had, and I don't really drink red wine, but he said there was a kind of a

euphoric, kind of happy buzz of like

that wine has different stuff in it that has different effects on your body.

I thought, wow, can imagine being able to, and he said they were spending like thousands of pounds on this fucking wine.

And the idea of drinking something like that would be.

But recently I had a glass of this whiskey that just

was like the two sides of my head where my temples were turned into wind turbines.

It was just...

Beautiful.

Sounds lovely.

So it was,

now whiskey is ridiculous because it's...

I don't like I like cigars but

what I I I can't tolerate is the price of things.

Continue.

I love that during that at one point a guy down here

yeah yes well which whiskey mate if you think you

oh I'll get and I'll get a straight answer to Tom

fucking second row audience member

which whiskey and Tommy straight away names it for you yeah there you go happy to

instead of going which whiskey I like cigars

I'm talking about the price of things yeah that's right yes sorry to interrupt

that sometimes something can be so expensive that it takes the goodness out of it so you with food you know, unless if you've been taken out to a restaurant, like I was in this place in

San Francisco

last week.

Now I was pretty sure you were in Africa last week.

Big week.

So

and we went to this ridiculous

Ridiculous restaurant and it was too expensive and it kind of took the goodness out of it.

So then the same can happen with cigars.

You can get a cigar that's, you know, that costs like fucking two grand or something, and you're thinking, this doesn't make any sense.

Why is

this not right?

Like, and with wine, it's the same.

And whiskey, the reason I'm not going to tell you

is because it's too expensive.

So, if stuff is too expensive, it sucks all the goodness out of it.

And there's no reason for it to be expensive, really.

No reason at all.

So,

Papa Doms is the answer to your question.

So the main course so far, we're just quick catch-up.

We've got roasted vegetables,

so burnt they're aggressive towards you.

They're annoyed at you.

They're annoyed at you.

A roast chicken in the shape of a baby, if that's possible,

and a glass of whiskey that's too expensive and it sucks all the goodness out of it.

Yeah.

But it made your head feel like you had two wind turbines with Vasili with temperature.

I'd like that.

Also, just as a.

I know we'll come to sides now.

Hard to put a side dish for your main dish.

It's comprised of sides.

But

I used to sell mushrooms.

My dad.

That explains everything.

I would look

if I was, say, in prison in America

for murder.

Yeah.

Back to San Francisco.

Yeah.

Maybe the chicken shaped like a baby wasn't a chicken at all.

It were a fucking baby, an actual fucking baby on his back.

It's my favourite character

I've ever seen.

I had to fucking baby.

Really?

I don't like the guy, but I do want to hear more from him.

Absolutely love it.

Yeah.

Anyway, so.

Oh, he's gone again.

He just comes and goes.

I'm like, do you remember that movie Ed Norton was in?

Okay, The Incredible Hub.

Do you remember the one?

It was called

Primal Something or Other.

Fear.

Was it Primal Fear where he played the guy that was, he pretends he had two different personalities?

Yeah.

And the lawyer defended him, and at the end, he showed him that.

It was only a fucking joke.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm in prison in America.

Yeah.

For murder.

For after you know, for eating the baby.

It worked even my own fucking baby.

I just picked it up and fucking eat it.

Right.

You get uncharacteristically excited and giddy as well when you do it.

Yeah, you really come forward on your seat when you're talking about eating a baby.

I'm quite shy otherwise, aren't I?

I mean, confidence.

So I'm in prison in America for eating a baby

and

you get your last meal.

Yes.

You know, and I would, so

like, I would love to,

it's a mushroom-based event.

And

if you could get me, like, without the authorities knowing, like, I say, say, my brother was a fucking pizza chef in town.

And

even though it was his baby, I fucking it.

Oh no, oh no,

because

you have to have access to baby if you want to fucking eat it.

So,

my brother, he was just as fucking mad as I am because the way we were brought up, right?

My mother

used to make us take cat for a fucking walk.

What's happening?

So I'm in prison in America, right?

And I managed, through my contacts,

to get

to get magic mushroom pizza, right?

So I, so, you know, and they're all there.

The

other relatives or whoever the fuck, you know.

My brain is too fast for my mouth.

So, anyway,

so Joe,

when you're being executed,

there's a thing of the family of the people that you've murdered the person belonging to,

they're there because they want to see you die and they want to see they kind of want the that's part of the thing.

So, I would either do one of two things.

I'd either have like a some sort of a poisonous mushroom and and I'd be fucking dead already

so they couldn't get the satisfaction

and they'd be just fucking annoyed after getting the bus

out to the prison.

What do you mean he's fucking dead already?

So is that your family?

He's the uncle.

That's the family of the baby eater.

That's the family of the baby eater.

Anyway, so either dead already or

have come to watch Tommy die.

His brothers made the pizza, right?

His brother made the pizza, but the baby's family have come to watch Tommy die.

But

his brother is the father of the baby.

No, I thought that but the brother knew the family.

No,

it was his beer bit.

I remember that bit.

Oh, apologies.

Apologies.

Because you've got to have access to beer bit if you want to fucking eat it.

Yeah, okay, that's true.

So

it's Tommy's family

who have come.

But they're estranged.

They're a strange

family.

But

they want closure by watching you.

They want to see me fucking die, don't I?

Bastards.

And you're denying them that closure.

You're fucking dead already.

Yeah, because you've eaten a poisonous mushroom, too.

Or

they're like hallucinogenic mushrooms.

And you're just,

you know, they bring you in and they lay on the kind of the crucifix table.

And

they want to see you apologetic.

And I'm so sorry for eating your fucking baby.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't see it.

I would see this.

But I can't go back in time.

Oh, God.

Do you forgive me?

Do you forgive me?

I'm so sorry, I hate the baby.

I wish I'd never fucking seen that baby.

What even lies?

Fuck it out.

Or

I

have this magic mushroom pizza and I'm fucking gone.

I am just.

So they don't get that thing of me crying and I'm just there going, bend it!

Why is everything just your fucking bendy?

Look at the walls!

They're fucking on the roof and they're bending!

They're bending walls!

Both good options.

Yeah.

We'll get you a slice of each.

You can decide on the day.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All I'm going to be thinking about, I'll try and get to sleep tonight with that.

Yeah.

Is that character, the whole narrative of Archivist story?

Goal me, go me, James, go me.

So good.

Are you asleep?

So am I.

I'm going to go to sleep in your brain.

First voice you hear tomorrow morning will be mine going, hello, James.

Anyway, your dream side d'As your dream side dish, sorry.

So the side dish would be some sort of mushroom.

I do love mushrooms.

I think, didn't they discover a massive mushroom?

In somebody will know this.

I think they discovered like it's like the size of a county.

No, really, I did.

I think someone will know this

in Oregon, yeah.

In the Oregon Mountains, we have no,

we don't know if she's lying or telling the truth.

It's awful, that, isn't it?

Surely you do know Tommy.

You were in the Oregon Mountains last week, weren't you?

Don't get fucking smart, man.

Oh, no.

Oh, he's gone.

He's having a nap.

So, yeah, that's beside their swelling, just mushrooms.

And we used to have, like, I think

I did sell them.

My father worked for

an organisation called Chagask, which were the kind of the Farm Advisory Council of Ireland or something.

I was a teenager and I wanted extra money.

And he used to buy mushrooms off a local farmer for 50 pence a pound.

And I would go around the housing estates in our side of Navan, selling the mushrooms for 50 pence and a half pound.

So I'd make about 20 quid altogether and I'd give a tenor of that back to my dad to pay the mushroom farmer for the tenors worth of mushrooms.

And I'd have a tenor in Navin on a Saturday.

So I bought Kells.

That's a town beside Navin.

Your dream drink, Tommy Taylor.

My dream drink.

The blood of Christ.

You've got to be delicate, Tommy.

Yeah.

Shat enough to pap.

Again, you know,

I like Guinness.

I like drinking Guinness.

I like drinking whiskey.

I'm trying not to drink as much these days.

I'm trying to kind of knock it back.

So I'm on the tonic water at the minute, which I do like a lot.

But for a treat, I find Guinness gets me drunk kind of slowly, and I'm a nice Guinness drunk.

Do you know the kind of way?

It's kind of an easy, slow

and I'm bendy and friendly

on a Guinness drunk.

Yeah.

Like I'm good crack.

But whiskey gets me drink

quite rapidly

and I get a bit gnarly.

And

I like being on my own when I'm drinking ice cream.

So my ideal drink will probably be

some sort of a mushroomy

magic mushroom smoothie.

Magic mushroom smoothie.

With a hint of death.

That's exciting.

We made sure we...

It's our first night in Dublin last night.

We arrived yesterday and had a lovely meal at Massa.

Massa, yeah.

Some good tacos.

and went from there over to Wheelands to get a Guinness.

It was very nice feeling to arrive in Dublin and have a Guinness.

Oh, yeah.

It's a bit different to the Guinness in England, did you notice?

Yes.

It's a bit m more.

Do they take the time to pour it properly?

And yes, it is a beautiful, beautiful drink.

Have you guys ever had putchin?

I've heard about it.

I've heard about it.

I should have brought some.

Putcheen is this

illegal hooch

that we have here.

It's kind of like, say you're four or five years of age and

you say to your mother, I'd really like to spend most of my adult life in and out of psychiatric hospitals.

Then she'd start giving you put chain.

So

even though it's illegally made,

there is some amazingly beautiful stuff out there.

Like in the 60s and 70s and 80s, it was kind of harsh.

People were just like throwing surgical spirits into it and stuff.

It was just like an angry drink.

But in the past, I wouldn't say it's gentrified, but in the past

10 or 15 years, people have gone to a real, they put all types of berries in it.

And if you're lucky enough to get beautiful putchine,

there's all these designer gins around now, but there also is beautiful, beautiful putchine out there.

It's difficult to find.

You should never pay for it.

Somebody should give it to you and

you just owe them a favor.

What's a reasonable favor in return?

Just you fucking know.

I felt him coming back.

I felt his presence.

A favour might be that you can that you might, you know, drive

say they had a a son in college in another town.

You might drive him to college a few times.

They're just normal human stuff like

somebody might have borrowed your lawnmower a year ago and as a way of apologising for the delay in getting it back, say, here's a bottle of madness.

So a friend of mine,

it is very, it's like even more, it's even stronger than whiskey.

And a friend of mine, remember

we were out and he went drinking and he says, never,

never again.

The last thing I remember is being at that party on all fours,

barking like a dog.

And he said,

he says, I woke up by the side of the road holding onto a bicycle.

So it does that to you.

It is beautiful.

A glass of fruity putchine would be my ideal drink.

Oh, lovely.

Lovely.

Now,

I tell you what.

No, it wasn't.

Yeah, we're okay.

But every episode we have a secret ingredient.

Oh, yeah.

That if the guest picks it, we

this will sound aggressive, but kick them out of the dream restaurant and they don't get any dinner.

And on the tour, we get the audience to help us choose what the secret ingredient is.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was one of the candidates.

It was nearly that.

It wasn't that.

It was something else.

It felt a bit harsh to pick that because the reason for the guy picking that was that he knew you loved it.

Yeah, actually, he called it, yeah.

He said Tommy loves it.

So, anyway, yeah, beautiful drink, though.

Beautiful.

We arrive at your dream dessert, Tommy.

Now,

hmm.

There is a space between.

I have a shed down the bottom of my garden.

I don't know much about like reality, so

no, I really don't.

So, in terms of things, I'm not really clued into

what a thing would be or

what a thing would be?

Yeah, just

I just don't know stuff.

I've lived in the same house now for 21 years and my daughter had to tell me last week where the utility room was.

I just don't.

Just part of my brain is not engaged on that level.

So when the shed was being built, I said, I wanted a toilet in the shed?

Because it's about 30 or 40 seconds walk from the house.

And

you know, because you'd be down there drinking coffee and stuff like that, and you'd want to walk up to the house, and fucking, you know, everybody knows why you're there.

And

does that embarrass you?

Your own family knowing you go to the toilet?

Yeah, don't doubt that.

There he is in his own house.

So, but the man who was building the shed said that it would be too much,

too hard work to get, because the shed is at the bottom of a hill and the septic tank was up at the top of the hill, it'd be too expensive to get something that would drive the effluent from the bottom.

So he said, he persuaded my wife not to build me a toilet.

So I...

He wasn't wasting his time

persuading you

straight to your wife.

You're going to have to talk to him.

I've been out there for five hours.

He might have been a pilled soil.

He's not having any of it.

He's friendly to eat my baby five.

Please.

So.

He's doing a character.

So there's a gap of, say, the size of this table, what's that, maybe about four feet, between the back of the shed and the back wall.

And there's these kind of strange kind of

like, it's not cabbage, but it's kind of

some weird, I don't know what the fuck it is.

I I didn't know, so I used to piss on it, right?

You need something that like at off menu.

Who edited this?

So, this is the back around the back of the shed, right?

So, no one can see me.

So, I go around the back of the shed and I piss on this stuff.

Yes.

Right now,

my son then.

This is dessert.

Yeah.

Yes.

But you have to do it.

My son then made

dessert for us

from

rhubarb

growing down the bottom of the garden

and

it used to be my favourite dessert, rhubarb.

I used to love rhubarb.

I remember going to my granny's house in Athlone and she would make us rhubarb tart

and I used to love it.

But

I can't eat that now.

I bet your family can't eat it.

Did you tell them?

Did they all find out?

There they will when they listen to this.

They ate your pizza rhubarb.

So I would,

in my memory,

rhubarb was always lovely.

But I can't go near it now.

So I would have to get real normal, like I'm real normal.

I would say that I love ice cream and you're the kind of the, I think it's honey with caramel in it, like it's just one or two balls of that now, and with the little hard chunks of honey in it.

Is it honey?

It's like a bit of a crunchy bar or something.

Whatever it is, that honey.

Honeycomb.

Thank you.

I love honeycomb ice cream, so I'd be really boring and just had a bowl of honeycomb ice cream, please.

please.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

Good luck, James.

Thank you, Ed.

You would like a glass of water from the river in the valley of the Mad?

Yes.

Would like the hint of a pop-up dog with all the dips.

We like the smell of your own brain scissors in a pan.

You would like roast potatoes, roast parsnips, honey-glazed carrots, so burnt that they're annoyed at you, but if possible, with a chicken in the shape of a baby

and a whiskey that's too expensive and makes your head feel like a wind turbine.

You would like a side dish of a poisonous/slash magic mushroom pizza.

Drink a glass of fruity pochin.

Pochin.

And dessert,

a bowl of honeycomb ice cream.

Goodness.

The off-menu menu of Tommy Tiaden.

Tommy Tiaden, everybody.

Fantastic, Tommy.

Give it up once again for the brilliant Tommy Tiernan.

Thank you very much, guys.

Good night.

Bye.

There we are.

And don't forget, Tommy is on tour with Tommy.

How has he got this far into his career and not called a show that?

Amazing.

That's it's really funny.

Yeah.

I think think a lot of comedians, if their name was Tom, that would be your debut Edinburgh show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'd be called Tomedian in like a 50-seater playing to 10 people every day.

Yeah.

And Tommy's David show is called Tierninidian.

He's gutted he didn't spot Tomedian.

I love that Tommy's done it.

It's at Hammersmith Apollo in London this Tuesday, the 30th of April.

So if there are tickets left, go and grab them with both hands.

Go to tommytiernan.ie for tickets.

Thank you again, Tommy, for doing the show.

Massively appreciated.

We'll be back next Saturday with our final bubba bonus episode.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

at 7 p.m.

at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available

and you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.