Ep 237: Lucy Beaumont (Live in Manchester)

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

It's Saturday.

What does that mean, James?

Beaumont.

It's a ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Beaumont.

Bonus.

It's the live episode, the second live episode from Manchester with special guest, Lucy Beaumont from the O2 Apollo Manchester, recorded on the 30th of October, 2023.

Very exciting.

The third and final Taskmaster guest that we had.

Well, it's in that current series Taskmaster that was airing at the time.

Very excited to have Lucy on.

The crowd went buck wild.

They went buck wild, baby.

And the secret ingredient, as selected by that audience, was creme de month.

Creme de month.

I can't remember why now.

No, but it doesn't matter.

It wasn't funny at the time.

It doesn't matter, though.

Also, I'd say before we recorded this, we did the show, I'd say Lucy is the person who most on the entire tour and indeed the history of Off Menu, we've had to say, stop saying that.

We'll talk about that on stage.

Yeah, yeah.

She, I mean, but luckily, Lucy is a never-ending

source of weird stuff.

Yes, you're going to love this episode.

It's absolutely brilliant.

Let's just crack on with it.

Lucy Bowman, Lucy Bowman.

Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking the Moussaka of humor,

removing the spices of bad times,

adding in the lasagna flavours of friendship,

and creating the Musagna of the Off-Menu podcast.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Casso.

Together we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we're inviting a guest and we ask them their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Lucy Beaumont.

An absolutely incredible comedian currently absolutely ripping it up on this series of Taskmaster.

We are very excited excited to have Lucy on the podcast.

So, James, we've already done the secret ingredient.

Keep it in your heads.

Keep it in your heads, not out your mouths.

Let's crack on.

This is the off-menu menu of Lucy Beaumont.

Lucy Beaumont.

James, what are you doing?

Yeah.

We've got to start the podcast properly, Lucy.

So, obviously,

James, I mean, we don't assume you've listened to the podcast before.

Not everyone here has.

So, James is a genie, so the genie's in the lamp at the moment.

So, if you would like to get up and rub the lamp, you're very welcome to.

Looks disgusted.

What are you

so angry about, Lucy?

Rub James.

Rub James.

No, not Rub James.

Rub the lamp.

Can you...

So...

Rub me in this climate.

Can you see the thing that's in front of James?

That's the lamp, like a genie's lamp.

You didn't tell me I had to do this.

Well, you don't have to.

We can get the audience to...

They can rub it with their minds if you'd prefer that.

Would you prefer the audience rubbed it with their minds?

He's just totally thrown me.

Well, Well, I will, I will.

Yeah, so just to be clear, just so nothing goes wrong, the thing in front of James, the like Aladdin lamp, rub that.

Please don't rub James.

Hands off.

Hands off.

Hands off the goods.

And what'll happen?

Well, this will be the.

Do you want me to talk you through it?

Because it's a nice surprise for the audience sometimes.

I'm doing my loss and a squat back here.

I just wasn't expecting it.

No, it's all right.

It might throw you again, but it'd be exciting.

Just please go and rub the lamp.

Mrs.

No, not me, not me.

Don't rub James.

Yeah.

No, Lucy, not from behind here.

Have you seen Aladdin before, Lucy?

Does he get into the fucking lamp before he rubs?

Lucy.

I can't get through there.

Lucy, your ass is in my face.

There's a cloud.

How do you rub it from this side?

Well, I mean, you can just rub them.

All electrical stuff.

Well, you don't need to close.

Your hand was on it when you stepped over the cloud, Lucy.

just

there you go yeah

welcome Lucy Beaumont to the dream restaurant we've been expecting you for some time

oh that was amazing

Was it worth it in the end?

I shouldn't have made such a meer that should I

it's good pun.

Not pleasant for me.

No.

I was sitting for a long time behind there.

Killed my legs.

Yeah.

And then you invaded my personal space by getting in the lamp to rub it.

Now, I don't actually know much about if you're a foodie or not.

We haven't really ever talked about food much in the past.

Have we not?

No.

No.

No, not really.

I mean, a lot of us, sometimes we just talk about, you know, just what we've been up to.

Sometimes work stuff.

The other day, you texted me to let me know that you'd only just found out Barry Cryer had died.

So, you know, that's the kind of stuff we usually talk about.

Sorry, I hate to snort so early in an episode.

And how did you find out?

I tried to book him for something.

But yeah, we haven't really talked about food.

No,

but no, I do.

I am a foodie.

I do really like the food.

I like good food.

And yeah, no, food is important to me.

But some people, it's not, is it?

No,

I think it's wonderful.

No, I am.

I would say I'm a foodie.

And I'd spend good money on food.

How much?

Well, it depends.

I do like going for a nice meal.

I like to go out.

You know, what I like to go out is just on a tea time, just like on a Wednesday, just say, oh, she'll just go for tea.

I like doing that.

Wednesday tea.

Wednesday tea.

Do you know what I mean, though?

Why is it Wednesday that?

Why is it speaking?

Do you know what I mean?

Like, just real spontaneous.

I like to go, should we go out for tea?

So, spontaneously, every Wednesday.

So, like, you'll say, who are you talking to in this scenario?

My husband.

So, you go, should we go up for tea?

And what does he say?

No.

Doesn't want to go.

He's not into spontaneity.

No.

No.

But I like just, I mean, a pub meal.

I like just going to a pub for a pub meal.

Yeah, yeah.

Just off the cuff.

And then when you're there, you're like, wow.

We didn't even think we we were going to be here tonight.

Well, yeah, I'm a social butterfly.

I like being around other people when I eat.

I don't think that's what social butterfly means.

I might have been misunderstanding it.

What does it mean?

I think it means you're sort of in lots of social groups and you just flip between the different groups and rather than you like being around people when you eat.

Well, maybe you do that.

Do you go from table to table?

Well, I do now, to be honest.

Recognised a lot now.

You know, that doesn't mean you have to go table to table, Liz.

Well, I do.

I do.

I'm big in a Toby Carvery.

Yeah.

Big news.

I would say, though.

I am.

I am.

I'm not doubting it, Lucy.

I'm just imagining you going to...

Granddad.

He couldn't get a word in Edgewares when we went to a Toby Carvery together.

Really?

Yeah, he said, come and sit down.

It's getting cold.

So you're just going to go and doing pictures.

The thing I'd say, though, is that if you're,

you know, we all know a lot of comedians and who are on tele for various reasons and quite well recognised.

And

usually, if they're really recognisable,

people come to them.

Yeah.

They don't get up and go, I better go table to table.

People recognise me now.

Leaving their granddad at the table alone.

Granddad, wait there.

Gotta go table to table.

Ducking down.

Uh-oh, I got it.

You know, get in.

Well, that's good.

That's fun at the Carvery.

A lot of people recognising you at the Carvery.

Did you have to have photos with

the roasts?

What, with the actuals.

Did you were any was there any food in shop for the photos?

No, but I would have done if they'd have asked.

What would be your favourite um voice to have a photo with?

Turkey.

I love the way you answered that, because it was defensive and as if James should have known the answer already.

Yes, I'm a vegan, so it is quite defensive.

Yeah, three vegans in?

A vegan, but I do eat meat.

Yeah,

Yeah.

So you're ethically a vegan, but in practice, you're a meat eater.

I've slipped.

The rule used to be:

if I could kill it with my bare hands,

then I would eat it.

And now I won't eat anything

that holds hands with each other.

Yeah.

Can you give us an example of

one example?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Octopuses.

Okay, there's two.

And rabbits.

Rabbits hold hands with each other.

What?

In watership down, maybe, not in the middle of life.

Otters?

How often do you think that's at the fucking Toby Carvery?

Otters is the only one I could think of.

Yeah.

Oh, no, there's Martha.

Rabbits hold hands.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, yeah what real-life rabbits not cartoon ones when they skip huh

when they skip yeah

i got that right when have you seen that uh

done telling

so octopus otters rabbits rabbits those are the three things you won't eat yeah so the rule used to be that you wouldn't eat anything that you couldn't kill with your bare hands.

What did you used to think you could kill kill with your bare hands?

It's a good question.

A chicken

and a cow.

Would you mind taking us through?

Sometimes we have the same question.

How you'd kill a cow with your bare hands, the process?

Because it's really graphic.

Lucy was when Lucy arrived today at the venue.

I think, believe your opening words were, when I first heard that you guys were doing this podcast, when you first announced it, I thought it was a terrible idea and I nearly rang one of you.

This is in 2018 when no episodes had come out.

I was worried about,

yeah, I

saw an article about it and I just thought, they're so talented.

What are they doing?

It'll never catch on because you're not actually going to a restaurant, you're not really eating the food, you're just talking about food.

And I just thought it's just going to be a waste because your careers are going to end, and

no one will listen to it.

And then I know I am annoyed about being here tonight,

but it's done really well.

But no,

you've made the most.

We have made the most of it.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

No,

I'm in the wrong.

We always start with still or sparkling water, Lucy.

Do you have a preference?

Yes.

Tell us.

Yeah.

I would like still water, please.

Oh, a few boots.

Put a few

sparkling heads in because there's some fans of sparkling water.

Is this because you love still water or are you anti-sparkling?

No, I think it'd be wrong to be anti-sparkling water.

I don't mind it.

I prefer it with lime, cardial, but then you're having to get into that thing of asking for that.

I'd just rather go still.

And to be honest, don't want to get too full.

No, because I find sparkling water just fills you up a little bit more than still water.

And if we're going for it, I need to make sure.

I will have water, but I won't have a lot of water before a meal.

It is more for the when they say for the table,

it is for the table, really, isn't it?

It just makes the table look better, doesn't it?

Because if they didn't put anything down, there'd just be people waiting for a meal with nothing on the table, wouldn't

so?

It is more for the t it's more of a gesture, isn't it?

So, you see it as more as more of sort of table decoration than anything else.

People don't really drink it, do they?

The water?

No, but you do.

Oh, in Manchester, people are very proud of their water and tap water here.

Oh, no, it is really good water.

What's the tap water like in Hull?

It's not the same,

it's got a lot of fluoride in it.

Yeah.

But this water, we used to live Hebden Bridge and it was the same water.

Yeah.

That's nice, isn't it?

And it was, oh, it was good water.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you drink it there?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You don't need to filter it.

You never ever, in five years, we never had to descale the kettle.

That's how good this water is.

That's exciting.

There's not many couples I know that are being excited about that.

But no, still water, please, with a bit of lemon in.

A wedge or a slice?

Well, a wedge, please.

Do you want to talk us through the thought process then of the song?

Of a wedge or a slice?

So, yeah, it seemed to be more perplexing than I didn't intend it to be, but like,

well,

I don't really mind, really.

I mean, at home, I just sort of squeeze it into my drink.

You squeeze a

lemon wedge or

I tear it with my fingernail.

I tear when I have lemon at home, I just get the lemon and I just dig my fingernail in it to make a little hole and then squeeze it

into the jink.

I've had it here, actually.

What are you going in your bag for?

What's this?

It's a Harry Potter chilter.

Well, you brought a lemon in there.

You brought a lemon with you?

Yeah, so that's how I did it.

I just went like that.

Okay, hold on a second.

Hold on.

Now,

I asked you how you wanted the lemon.

That took you completely by surprise.

But you had that prepped.

Because I've got other things in here.

Yes, but one of the things you've got is a lemon that's cut through.

It's for the tequila.

I brought you both a tequila.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So the lemon was for the tequila.

Yeah.

Oh, I see.

So you just dig your fingernail in?

Yeah.

Is your rule with fruits you'll only eat the ones that you can tear apart with your bare hands?

That's good stuff.

That's funny.

That's cut.

That's really good.

That's man.

Yeah, I put a button in it.

Sort of is, isn't it, really?

How would you kill a lemon?

How would you kill a lemon?

Sit on it.

Sit on it.

Pop-looms on bread.

Pop lobs on bread, Lucy Beaumont.

Pop lobs on bread.

Oh my god, god, you're scared!

Yeah,

that's probably one of the most I've ever been scared in my life.

I got you.

Why have we got tequila?

For us all to have a tequila.

Oh, yeah.

That's fair enough.

When do you want us to have the tequila?

Oh, I don't mind.

When do you want to have it?

I don't, it's your show.

Not right now.

Let's wait then.

Later, I think.

Later.

Yeah.

Poppadoms are bread, Lucy.

Why why?

Why is it just poppadoms or bread?

Well, this is the question I've been asking since the beginning, Lucy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But it's a format point now, so it's too late.

But

you've missed the bridge in between the two,

which I would like to have.

Yeah.

Crackers.

You can absolutely have crackers for this.

Hang on.

Crackers is the bridge between poppadoms and bread.

Yeah.

What are you on about?

I'll buy this.

In the middle of.

If poppadoms there and bread was there, then the cracker is in the middle, isn't it?

Isn't it a mixture of both?

Yeah,

yeah, I think you're right, actually.

Would you like crackers to start this?

No, I don't want crackers either.

I want

bread.

Right, well, what the what the

I know.

Well, I just wondered why it was just popped ons our bread, but I do want bread, but I don't want fancy bread.

What I want is, do you know, Jackson?

Are you allowed to say actual names of things?

Feel free, yeah.

It's nice to know you've listened to some episodes.

Oh no, I've listened to a lot of things.

I just can't remember if they've.

Yeah, you can say, Brad.

You told us you listened to a lot of episodes

in a row, didn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can you just tell us what happened?

Why you ended up listening to Lodes and all that?

Yeah, you listened to quite a lot in a row, didn't you?

More than you were anticipating.

Yeah.

I got stuck behind a horse.

God, it was a night.

It's not yet funny to me.

Do you know what I mean?

This is only a few days ago.

Yeah.

It's bloody hot.

There's a very large wood where I live, and I couldn't get past the horse.

And if I'd have taken a different turn off, I would have had to have gone a long way around.

So I just

walked behind it.

Hang on.

Hang on, on, this is the second time I'm hearing this story.

And this is the first time that I'm realising you were on foot.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I thought you were in a car on a road behind a horse.

I didn't know you were in some enchanted woods walking.

That sounds magical, Lucy.

Yeah.

How do you get stuck behind a horse on foot?

Well, but I don't have a driver's license, so.

But

can't you walk around the horse?

I didn't want to scare it.

I just, I thought, well, I was thinking, she'll notice, because there was a woman on the horse.

I was thinking,

I was thinking she'll notice me soon and she'll move to the side and let me go past.

But

I didn't feel comfortable with trying to take over the horse.

And she just didn't for absolutely ages.

And so I listened to quite a few podcasts.

So how long would you say you were slowly walking behind this horse?

I think two hours.

It's a really big wood.

So plenty of room to maybe.

Oh, yeah.

And then finally, she noticed me and she moved to the side and she let me pass.

I was like, thank God for that.

And then my shoelace came undone.

I bent down to do it and just saw this fucking horse just

go past.

And then, then, and then, so it happened again.

I was behind the horse for ages.

She let me then again go past.

And a guy said, Come here, Moosey.

So I went to him, and the horse overtook me.

Hang on.

And he was talking to his dog.

He wasn't,

he said, I'm talking to my dog love.

I mean, it's consistent with what happens in a Toby Carvery, isn't it?

You hear Lucy, like, yep.

Yeah, oh, it was, I was so annoyed when I got home.

I was like, it's just wasted my day.

And then I've got to pick my child up from school.

Like, the whole day is gone.

I haven't got anything done.

I've been like just looking at this horse's ass for here.

How often would you say you're walking through the woods and someone beckons you over and you immediately go over, Lucy?

Exactly, Lucy.

Yeah, but in the area I live, everyone, you know, like it's the nice people and I feel the same.

It's the nice people in the world.

Yeah, but

a lot of people know my name and stuff, you know.

Well, that's what you thought.

Getting your autograph.

Ready?

So, what sort of bread was it?

So, you know,

there's a particular, I want fairly cheap bread.

What I love, it goes back from being a kid.

You know, Jackson's bread, have you had it?

It's a particular bread.

You know, the first slice of bread you take out, it's so soft, isn't it?

Like, it'll won't ever be that soft.

Like, no other slice will be as fresh and soft.

You don't mean the end of the bread, right?

No, the actual, like, when I was a kid, I used to take that slice out and just rub it on my cheek.

I was gonna ask because when you mind when you went that first loaf of bread, you went like this, so soft.

Yeah, so you as a kid, you used to rub that first.

My cheek, yeah, just it, but no other slice will be as fresh and soft as that first one that you take out.

How did you know?

Did you rub all the other slices of bread on your face?

No, I mean, like when you go back the next day, it's already changing, isn't it?

Yeah,

it's aging.

And what I used to do, I got in a really bad habit.

It's the only time my mother's ever hit me.

Here we go.

This will be the bit that gets cut out and reported by the Daily Mail.

No, not like just a little tap, like not a proper hit, just a tap on the head.

Was because what I really like doing was, you know, folding a slice of bread, and you know where the crease is, like eating that, like

biting that, but then putting it back.

So, when my mum opened it, it was just like a hole, you know,

and she just was

so angry.

I just couldn't help but do that.

So, you'd fold it, bite a hole out the middle, unfold it, yeah, and put it back in the middle.

Put it back, yeah.

Would you do that with all the slices all the way down?

No, I'd maybe do it with a couple of them, but I just couldn't help myself.

It's just like

ended up like the very hungry caterpillar.

So, I mean, mean, but you're in the dream restaurant now.

If you want for your bread course, Jackson's bread and you can just bite the middle out of all the slices, you're very welcome.

That'd be amazing.

Is that okay?

Yeah, yeah.

No one will lay hands on you.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

I would like to.

Do you know what I mean?

I'll say that, but basically,

I understand what you've described.

Yes.

I haven't experienced it myself, but I understand you're saying that the first slice is really soft, so you would rub it on your face.

I thought you understood that.

Did that bring back a memory?

No, I I

I laughed for the same reason Ed pointed out that you went it so soft and as soon as you did that I realised that you rubbed it on your face.

Yeah.

So I started laughing.

Okay.

She's so angry.

She hit me as well once for um

twice now.

Yeah, it was twice.

You said it was the only time she ever hit me.

No, I remembered another time.

They weren't hard, just like

that.

Little Exactly, just on the head.

We've been learning about the Vikings, you know, at school doing a topic.

And they showed us this video where the Vikings all had

a big banquet and they picked up them the chicken drumsticks and sort of like,

you know, and then whilst they had the chicken in the mouth, they picked up a goblet and drank.

And so my mum made me chicken drumsticks, and I did the same at home.

And she said and she hit me for she said don't be so disgusting and she didn't understand that I was trying to be a Viking

I remember that I know I I know what you mean now

I know exactly what you mean they always show the Vikings doing that as if I don't know how they found that this has any basis in history that a Viking will take a bite of chicken normally and then with it still in their mouth they'll sit beer or something and so it's all mixed in in their mouth and i remember having that instinct as a child

and as an adult, to be fair.

I mean, the Tudors, actually, not the Hikers.

It's Tudors.

It's Tudors.

But this is

banqueting stuff.

It's banqueting stuff.

Yeah.

It's banqueting stuff.

Yeah.

Do you want butter with your bread?

Well, I would love butter, but in a certain way, I went to a restaurant in London

and

they

tried to recreate it at home.

God, it went so wrong.

But it was absolutely amazing.

So

they brought the bread over, and then they brought over a candle, you know, in one of those little candle dishes, you know, like in the wee willy winky.

I know exactly what you mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know what they're called, but you know what I mean?

Where like you hook them in with your finger.

Yeah, like a candle holder.

Yeah.

But like a Victorian candle holder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As opposed to a modern candle.

They brought

it up.

They brought brought that over, and it was like this amazing culinary experience where they lit the candle.

And then I said, Have you got any butter to go with the bread?

And he said, and he pointed like that, and the

candle was made out of butter.

And as it melted, all the melted butter ran into the holder, and then you dipped your bread into the hold, and it was just like

I wanted to give a round of applause.

Yeah,

It's amazing.

I've seen it in a few places now.

I think, I mean, I might be wrong.

There's a restaurant called Restaurant Story in London where I think the

Restaurant Story.

Yeah, I think that was the first place to do it as well.

Yeah.

The thing I'd like to just dig into, you said you tried to do it at home.

Yes.

Oh,

don't worry, mate.

I was looping back to that.

I thought I'd do a quick bit of food chat.

Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, sorry.

Just to keep the podcast on brief base for a little bit, that'll be great.

Yeah, sorry, yeah.

Before we get to another story of uh of child abuse,

but they were they didn't hurt, they were little tats,

it was the 90s.

Yeah,

so you tried to make a butter candle.

Oh, god, yeah,

I've several attempts at this bloody thing.

I bought some wicks off Amazon,

right?

I don't know how they did it, but I got butter and then I rolled it into a candle shape and then put the wick in and then put it in the freezer.

It just

never worked.

When you took it out, it wouldn't, it just didn't, it didn't work.

It didn't work.

The wick would fall out or it wouldn't melt properly.

It was a nightmare.

And

I couldn't get the proper shape either.

Now, I think the issue might be, and I might be wrong about this, I'm fairly sure at Restaurant Story, I don't don't think it's butter.

I think it's, I think they use lamb fat.

I think it might be animal fat rather than butter.

I might be wrong about that, but it's it probably that probably reacts better as a candle than butter does.

Oh, also, they probably don't get their wicks off Amazon.

Oh, there you go.

If Bonito sent a message, it's beef fat, beef fat.

That's what it is.

Kill one of them.

You're right.

Where do you get that from?

Beef fat, cow.

But I mean, can you buy it

in the shop now?

I reckon so.

We get that on Amazon as well, actually.

Put it in.

Probably can.

Oh, right.

I'm not going to try that.

Beef fat.

No, now I know it's beef fat.

Do you want that on your dream menu, though?

Do you want the beef fat candle for that?

Well, yeah, but tell me it's butter.

Okay.

Thank you.

They'll tell you whatever you need to hear.

Your dream starter, Lucy Beaumont.

Um,

so

what I'd like, you know, when you go to a posh restaurant and they give you like an amuse bouche, well, I honestly sometimes think that's the best part of the meal.

Yeah, so I'd like a starter that's like

a few little things, but because I really like like real um

deep, savoury flavour.

Like, I really, I'm really, really like gravy.

No respect.

What's happened?

What did I do?

What did I say?

What you did?

No, you're fine.

You did it.

You can relax.

No, we're very happy with your love of gravy.

Yeah.

It's a troublemaker.

What's gone on?

It was the first half.

Tried to suggest that the secret ingredient that would get you kicked out of the restaurant should be gravy.

We overruled it.

We overruled it.

It's not.

The booze.

You should have heard the booze in here.

Oh, I bet.

Oh, it's Northern.

Yeah.

No, but the thing is,

since we've had a Tory government in power.

I can't even think what that cheers for.

Yeah.

You don't even know where this is going.

She might be about to say the gravy's got much better.

No, that's...

No, what I mean is, if you've noticed, gravy's got worse.

True.

That's what Andy Burnham says as he's co-host campaign.

Yeah.

The change of pace there almost made my neck snap.

That was...

Yeah.

Now,

Lucy, I'm no fan of the Tory government myself.

But I would be interested to hear how and why you think the gravy's got worse

under the current government.

Because gravy's love, and

hang on,

guys, this is a problem.

This is why the left's never going to get back on top.

If we keep just applauding platitudes like gravy's love,

this might fly in Toby Carver for you, Lucy.

So, gravy's gravy's love.

And people don't care anymore.

Who are we talking about specifically?

No, because

we've been made to believe there's no such thing as society

anymore.

We've lost some important morals.

And one of them is making gravy.

But gravy

in the good in the good Blair years

before

we're talking pre-Iraq before we went

in the in those ones where in mid-things can only get better

there was not so sure start centres and

the the beginning ones, yeah, and the first few years there was.

I can remember you'd go places and gravy was like nectar.

No, it was no, because it wasn't now, it's something they and it's about pride

in be and

it because now it's just

pack, it's just mostly packet gravy.

And what they used to do is they made the gravy

get this weeks before

they made the Sunday dinner.

And just being at home, I mean anywhere you went.

Anywhere we went.

Anywhere you went,

the stock would be

made weeks in advance.

And they would put

offal,

not offal,

they would put things in it that would condense down and down over time.

Yeah.

But now you're saying, because of the Tory government...

The Italians

the Italians still

listen when they're listening

When they make a tomato sauce,

they don't get it out of a packet no famously left wing government as well.

But I don't mean that's not political.

What I mean is that

we need to take pride in gravy again.

Yeah.

And that's a good point to end on, for sure.

We do need to take pride in gravy again.

Yeah.

Can't wait to see Lucy at the next Pride match

on a gravy flow.

So, Lucy,

I hate to push you.

Come on, if it cut me, do I not bleed?

I hate to push you 40 minutes in, but what's your starter?

Jesus Christ, it is 40 minutes in.

Oh, God, I'm so summy.

Don't you be sorry.

No, that

gravy monologue.

Manifesto.

Manifesto.

I will.

That will be.

The manifesto.

Manifesto.

The gravy manifesto.

The gravy manabisto.

I will.

Manabisto.

I get the feeling that when I'm very, very old and maybe I have dementia, that will be one of the only things that I remember.

I'll be going, she said gravy was love.

Granddads are lost.

Danny Rohas.

So you like.

Gravy is love.

So you like amusebouches and you like deep savoury flavours.

Yeah, yeah.

Gravy's got worse under a Tory government.

What do you want for your starter?

I want little Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings,

but this big,

but with cottage pie inside them, but a really intense, you know, like where it's in, it's almost like, well, you know, sometimes if you've ever had like an intense cottage pie, where

sometimes if it's done well, it's sort of like a bit like ooh, you know, at first.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't know.

So it gets

on the roof of your mouth.

Hot or salty?

No, like

unami, like intense.

An unami.

No.

Una uh.

Yeah, the umami sausage.

That other flavour.

The fifth flavour, yeah.

So I want cottage pie.

Yeah, so that's what I'd like.

So you want, and they're that size, are they?

Yes, it's really tiny.

I don't want to get too full in my starter, but I want my taste buds to get going, you know.

See, I don't normally like Yorkshire puddings, Lucy.

I'm say on this podcast a lot, I'm not a Yorkshire pudding fan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but listen, wait up.

Wait up.

I think they've actually got better under the Tory government.

But my issue with them is they take up real estate on the plate.

But these little ones seem perfect.

I like them as little, they're almost like little tapas things, little canopes, Yorkshire puddings with cottage pie in them, and I'm guessing a little bit of New Labour gravy.

Yeah, and then

in some of them, I'd like different soups

on top of the cottage pie, or are these just the little Yorkshire puddings with different soups?

Yeah, different.

This is the problem, you know, when they say, you know, when you say what's the soup of the day?

it's never what you want, is it?

You, you, you see, soup of the day,

and in your head, you pick

what it is,

and you think, oh, it's mushrooms, I want mushroom soup, and then you ask, and it's parsnip.

So, I'd like a few, there's there's different soups that I really like, and I'd like them so I can have different, I'd like a few soups.

Dudge, who wants one soup, one type of soup?

Most people.

So you've got all these

Yorkshire puddings with the cottage pie in them.

It's got a bit of cake in them.

Have you had that before?

Is that something you've had somewhere where they put the cottage pie in the Yorkshire puddings?

Yeah.

Okay.

And the soup, and then you also want about the same size?

Yeah, please, yeah.

In the Yorkshire puddings again?

Yeah.

Soup in the Yorkshire puddings.

Yeah.

But it's all in the little Yorkshire puddings.

Do you want to take us through the soups that you've made?

Yeah, yeah.

I really like mushroom soup.

Yeah.

It's brilliant.

So mushroom soup in one of them?

Yeah.

I had an incident.

Can I just check?

I can't wait to hear.

But I'm just going to check because we're 44 minutes in.

Do you have an incident per soup?

No.

No, so just mushroom soup.

I'd love to hear it.

Do you know during lockdown that

you know that nice bit where everyone was dying, but it was sunny?

I mean, yeah, I do know the bit you mean.

I'm going to say, if you say that in the future,

sunny should come after the nice bit.

The nice bit where it was sunny, but unfortunately, everyone was dying.

That's the order I'd do it in.

Well, every morning I would open the curtains and I see on the lawn this little bird, and it was there every morning.

I was hello, like that.

And I'd go downstairs, oh, that little bird was there.

And then one day I looked and it wasn't moving a lot.

And so I went onto the lawn, it was a mushroom.

I don't know what I'm gonna do

I mean

I would say

obviously there's a lot to say about that

I think the fact that for days you mistook a mushroom for a bird and talked to it is pretty big news.

Went downstairs every day when I saw the little bird again.

Yeah,

would tell your husband, I saw the little bird again.

But I would also say that story doesn't need the context of, do you remember that bit in lockdown where everyone was?

I don't think it needed that.

I think you could have said that happened at any point.

Didn't need to know it was a lockdown.

I didn't think it needed, like, in the background,

just that knowledge that everyone was dying.

Oh, God.

So, so the first soup is mushroom.

Did you eat the mushroom that you thought was a bird?

No, no, it could be poisonous, couldn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you like mushrooms?

Yeah.

What are the other soups?

It's one,

I don't, I can't even tell you where I found the recipe from.

I made it once and it was amazing.

I tried it again without the recipe because I couldn't find it.

And then,

and all it is, is you make a red pepper soup and then you make a yellow pepper soup.

And what you do in the bowl, you pour them in at the same time.

And then, so one half is red and one half is yellow.

Oh, and as I say, it was a try, and could never ever repeat it again.

Couldn't find the recipe.

I mean, the mess I made.

So

it didn't, the second time, it didn't.

They didn't stay in their separate.

So

I would love if you could make me the original yellow

pepper.

I would definitely do that, yeah.

Tiny Yorkshire buddy.

Any other soups outside of those two?

Just those.

Just those two, yeah, yeah.

Hope for the best.

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dream main course

so

all I want and I know this sounds like I've had some lovely meals and I really have

this is the first time this bloke's heard the podcast

I don't normally genuinely cry on stage, mate.

This is the first time.

This is the first time on tour that I am genuine, and I don't even know why I'm crying anymore.

The world doesn't make sense anymore.

I had

on an aeroplane,

it was meatloaf,

mash,

green beans,

and then like

a creamy gravy.

And it was

the nicest meal I have ever had in my life.

It was, and it was because

it was in one of it, it was, it had been left alone for a long time in the tray, but it just was amazing.

And because what it reminded me of is when I was a child.

Oh, don't go in there.

fuck's in there

did I bring out that mushroom and it turns out it was a dead bird all along

don't make me weak don't make me wee myself

don't make me laugh

okay well turn this off

I got

what because it what it

so much stuff in there Lucy what it reminded me of was this meatloaf is when I was a kid we used to have a thing called penny duck does anyone remember penny duck

wow

never before have I heard a comic say to as big an audience does anyone remember whatever and fucking no one

One person there yep I know Penny Duck Do you remember Penny Duck?

Are you saying Penny Duck?

I'm like Fletchers.

Are you saying Penny Duck?

Penny duck, yeah.

Penny duck.

What's yeah.

I don't know what penny duck is.

What is it?

Yeah, it is stuffing into stuff.

So you're not sure either.

Stuffing or something.

No one knows what penny duck is.

Yeah, like meat and stuff it.

So

I've done a replica for you.

So you've made this.

But you said you didn't know what it was two seconds ago.

No, I mean, I don't know exactly what it was, but I've tried to replicate the flavour at home

so you can know what I mean by.

So, this is like your basically the replica of the meatloaf I had that tasted a bit like penny duck.

Yeah, there you go.

So, Lucy, what I'd say

is this doesn't look like meatloaf

at all.

Can you don't eat it?

No,

can you take us through how you've made this penny duck?

Shall I be honest?

Yeah.

I didn't have time, so that's a vegan chicken nugget.

So you thought, my dream meal is meatloaf I had on a plane, which, but we haven't even got to the fact that sounds fucking disgusting yet.

You thought, but it reminded me of penny duck.

So I will recreate penny duck.

And then you didn't have time.

So, rather than go, I just won't do that,

you've brought us in a vegan chicken nugget

and put it in

a cupcake case with a cat on a cocktail stick.

Got a witch over here, brother.

Because it, it, but it, but that it tastes a bit like the meatloaf.

That there was reasoning behind, and then, so, what I did bring you is a patty.

I made a patty, and this I did actually really

patty.

Patty.

Yeah.

Says here, Lucy, that

penny ducks are made of offal and off-cuts of pork minced up and wrapped in a fatty membrane.

That's penny duck.

Oh, it doesn't sound nice now, does it?

It sounds like it was created as like, because duck was expensive meat, it was created as a recreation of the recreation of duck.

Yeah.

Now, Lucy, this patty

is a delicacy from Hull.

Okay, it looks like a new new potato that you've smashed up with a fork.

Yeah.

No, it's if patty is

fried potato.

Yeah, so I'm right.

With six.

And do you know what you have it with?

What?

Chips.

Hang on.

You have fried potato with chips.

Yeah.

What's a chip, Lucy?

Potato.

Fried potato, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, thank you for.

Well, actually, no.

You're not going to try it?

No.

Oh.

Oh.

Feel free.

You are more than welcome.

Do you want to try it, mate?

Who said boo?

Put your hand up.

Join it?

You're up for it?

You say you've had it before?

You've had it before.

I'll put them in the same case.

Yeah.

So you've got the vegan chicken nugget.

Oh, sorry, mate, that fell on the table.

Hold on.

There you go, mate.

There you go.

We don't want any food going to waste here.

You can have that.

You eat that.

That's not my fault.

What happens to that, man?

So, your dream meal is this

meatloaf, mash, and green beans that you had on a plane.

And the reason you liked it is because it's been sat in the tray for a long time.

It just was a taste sensation.

It was just the

nicest thing I've ever had.

I think it had helped that it was in one of those trays and was almost like sealed, you know.

But it was amazing.

Where were you getting a flight to?

Oh, gosh.

Well, do you know?

It must have been when I went to America.

First time I went to America.

Yeah.

He says he gave it one of these.

Yeah.

He's on chef's gifts at you.

He loves it.

Who does?

Oh,

do you like it?

Oh.

He likes it.

Thank you.

So you're flying to America?

Yeah.

I think maybe flying back, then that's why it was meatloaf, yeah.

I would say plain food, sort of classically, is the worst food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And meatloaf on a plane sounds like the worst possible version of plain food.

So what was it about that?

I know, I know, it doesn't make sense, but it was just everything.

I must have been really hungry.

I think maybe, because I like, you know, the snack boxes you get, I like eating high up.

I like them as well.

You know, that apparently plain food, they put shitloads of salt in plain meals because your taste buds are completely dulled when you're when you've you're at a higher altitude.

Really?

Yeah, so you can actually taste way less when you're at a higher altitude.

That might be a good thing if you're not a good chef, then, mightn't

but you're saying this is your dream meal, is yeah,

because you should go by how you felt.

Yeah, how I felt.

I felt that it was the best meal ever, and I still haven't come close to it.

Was your husband with you at the time?

No, I was the child.

The details that get left out are staggering.

Every time the most important bit isn't in there, I was on the front horse.

I was a child.

It's the first time I'd been away.

No, so

I was a teenager.

Yeah.

About 16.

First time I've been abroad, yeah.

But no,

I do like every

snack box.

There was once I was coming back from Tenerife and I wanted, you know, one of the snack boxes and she wouldn't give me one because my card wouldn't work, you know, in the chip and pin machine.

And I was getting really desperate because I was really hungry because it was a four-hour flight.

And so I brought her over, and I'm sorry to say this, Ed.

I said, I'm diabetic.

And she gave, so she gave me one.

She bent down next to me and she said, Why didn't you say something before?

I thought, Well, I haven't thought of it then

What was in the snack box?

Oh, you know the nat there's some crack ones, but you know the nice ones where they've got like a bit of hummus, a bit of cheese, crackers, little bit of pickle.

Yeah, none of those things would help in a in a diabetic.

I know, I know, which

she didn't know.

And but th then I felt really bad because I think the air hostesses were googling me.

So I had to ring my best friend, Jackie, and get her to go on my Wikipedia.

No, fuck off, Lucy.

What are you talking about?

Okay, so

this one's recent.

I was imagining you were younger again, so I was like, for me once.

So clearly this is Lucy like as a teenager again coming back from Tenerife.

But this is recently you lied about being diabetic on a plane.

This is in February.

Yeah.

So you're worried that

they would hear that you're a comedian, they were going to look you up on Wikipedia,

and it wasn't going to say you were diabetic.

So, you got your friend Jackie to say you were diabetic on Wikipedia.

Yeah, yeah,

obviously, I felt awful about it.

I think you overthought that one, Lucy, if I'm honest.

Well, then she just put, I checked, you know, when I was waiting for my luggage, and I would look through all the Wikipedia, and she'd just put at the end, and she is diabetic.

Citation needed,

yeah, Wow.

Your dream side dish.

Well, I don't need one because I've got green beans and I've got mash.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

Totally fine.

Yeah.

Your dream drink.

I don't think James is enjoying himself.

Trust me, he is.

I am enjoying myself.

Trust me.

Your dream drink,

Lucy Beaumont.

At the moment, because I go through stages like anyone, I suppose.

Yeah,

we all go through stages.

Yeah, we all go through stages.

Talking to a mushroom, that's a stage.

With drink, do you go through stages with drink like your drink of the month sort of thing?

Yeah,

the problem with drink of the month is you pick one before, and then they tell you what the drink of the month is, and it's not the one you want.

I call it drink de month.

Yeah, a drink of the month.

Yeah, I think it is.

I'm pronouncing that wrong.

So at the moment, it's a margarita.

I'd love a margarita.

I'm really into tequila.

I find you can have it in a morning.

No law against it.

Yeah, starting to explain that mushroom bird mix up now.

I've only done that a couple of times, but you don't, it doesn't, you feel all right, you know.

Well, it's an upper, isn't it?

Yeah.

When were you having tequila in the morning?

What was the

just like if I've had a hangover, you know, if I've been to

I've only done it like twice, but yeah, yeah.

Um, but yeah, I'd love a margarita, please, if that's all right.

Salty rim?

Sorry.

Just not all

over it, not all, just on one half.

Half rim, Yeah.

Half salt rim.

I like that.

Places have only started doing that recently and I respect it.

Yeah.

The half rim.

Because then you can just be like, I'll have a bit of salt.

No salt.

Yeah.

That's good.

It's lovely.

I don't know.

It's mad that this has turned back into a normal episode, isn't it?

I've got one salt in each sip and I find if it's just half, I get through that.

And then all the salt's gone and then I want it all the way around.

Oh do ya?

Yeah, I want to do round the world.

But you can ask for that, you can ask for a full rim.

Okay, I'll have that.

Yeah, I'll have it.

Full room, please.

Yeah.

Do you drink margaritas?

Yeah.

Do you?

Why is that surprising?

I can't see you with a margarita.

Can you not?

Yeah, what do you see James with?

Well, definitely a beer, definitely red wine,

even a whiskey, but just cannot see you drinking a margarita.

You can't picture me drinking.

Because you see him as sort of a man's man.

Just that I don't think

is a bit fussy, isn't it?

I don't see you as

fussy.

I like a margarita as well, Lucy.

Yeah, I could tell you.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Isn't it interesting?

Yeah.

Is that why you brought the tequilas with you?

Yeah.

I just love tequila.

I just

think it's amazing.

What type is this?

Is this a type you like in particular?

Is it a Patron?

It's a Patron.

It's got a B on it.

That's what I brought back from Tenerife.

This came back with you in

I think so.

Hang, what do you mean you think so?

Where's this come from?

It might come from Spain, I can't remember one or the other.

Tenerife's in Spain.

It's one or the other, man.

Oh, it was.

Lucy's had a bit of a funny level.

I mean, yeah, I mean, fair enough.

I mean, I thought we were probably all going to do it together, but just dove in over there like it's 7am.

Let's do it together then.

That is nice tequila as well, actually.

Let's do it together.

You ready?

Oh, I mean, too late.

You two have already got a head start.

Cheers.

Tequila.

Tequila.

Yeah.

That's very nice.

Nice, isn't it?

That's very nice.

Yeah.

Where's the best margarita you've ever had?

Ooh,

that's a question.

Yeah.

Yeah, they all are.

I go on a lot of bottomless brunches now.

I've had a good and really good one in York, actually.

Yeah.

Bottomless brunches.

New York fans in?

There's some nice cocktail bars.

Yeah.

Do you go on bottomless brunches?

Don't tend to, I'll be honest.

No.

Who are you going on bottomless brunches with?

Other 40-year-old women.

I went on one bottomless brunch and we drank so much that I lost my eyesight.

And the only reason that they let me go is because my legs gave way.

And I woke up later in a taxi and I had a bit of cucumber on my shoulder.

And I got it home, and John was still up.

And I said, I'm so sorry.

I said, because I've lost my phone and I couldn't ring you.

And I was like, I'm sorry, we had to do bedtime.

I'll lock up.

And he said, Lucy, it's two o'clock in the afternoon.

Thought you were going then?

Thought that was it.

I thought you were just going to get up.

Wow.

And then leave.

Let's dream dessert, I reckon.

You're going to like this one, James.

Oh, good.

I'm glad to hear that.

I am more of a dessert person

than, like, definitely than starters.

And earlier on,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My mind might be playing tricks on me.

No, no, no.

But earlier on, you were like, I'm all about the starters.

That's the best meal.

Yeah, I know.

You like deep, savoury flavours.

Deep, savory flavours.

I love it.

And now

you're a different person.

But if I had to pick, you know, sometimes like on a set menu,

starter and main, or main main and pudding, I would always pick main and pudding.

Good on you.

So that proves it, doesn't it?

If proof be needed,

we did a set menu today.

Yeah.

We went to Carla, Carla Bistro today.

It's very, very good.

It was an excellent restaurant, but there's starter mains desserts.

And we had starter and main, both delicious.

So good.

And we were looking at the desserts, being like, oh, great, we can't wait for this dessert.

And then we said, oh, but we're in Manchester, we need to go to Idle Hands and get a slice of pie.

So we said, we're not having dessert.

We said to the good people at Carla,

we're not having dessert here, so we won't need that on the set menu.

We'll just pay and leave.

We're going to Idle Hands for pie.

And we arrived, Lucy, and they'd sold out a fucking pie.

I have never seen him look sadder.

And he's done entire stand-up specials about being sad.

Oh, what a shame.

It was so bad, man.

Like, all the desserts at that restaurant looked amazing.

Like, I was going to get Chocolate Oblivion.

It looked so good.

Benito was all excited because Oblivion is also a roller coaster.

Very quietly to himself, he went, Chocolate Oblivion.

The world's first vertical drop for desserts.

Did to himself and then giggled to himself.

I fucking wedged him and flushed his head down the toilet.

Not having that on our tour.

We're on our way, and we're telling Paul, our tour manager, about Idle Hands.

Ah, here's all the different pies they do, the dessert pies.

You're going to love it, Paul.

We got there.

It's a little bit of paper saying, no pies, sold out of pies.

But did they do other things?

Well, they were pretty much sold out of everything.

Yeah.

But they were open.

So you could go in.

They said, sorry, yeah, they were open.

We could have got a coffee if you wanted.

Yeah.

That's it.

Yeah, and they were like, sorry,

school holidays, kids come in and eat all the pies.

But did they know who you are?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, this is what I said, and apparently, you're not supposed to say that out loud.

But the problem is, even if they were like, oh, here come those boys who keep talking about the pies,

you can't just magic a pie up.

No.

No, no, but they could have if you'd have rang ahead.

What's so good about it, though?

Well, I've never had one.

And

by the way, I'm so stroppy that the fact that they'd run out of pies, and I'm very happy for them that doing well as a business, they'd run out of pies on this day.

I will never ever have one now.

As a matter of principle, yes, that's just Ed's personality.

He was born that way.

He can't help it.

He will never go.

I love the banana cream pie, the caramel custard pie.

There's great, the key lime pies were.

Yeah, just really, just

their flavours are spot on.

The pastry's delicious.

You know, it doesn't distract from the pie.

Also, I think pies were better under the coalition government.

Well,

what is it about sweet stuff?

Is it a thing about sweet stuff that you like?

Because for me, it's like the tech, it's lots of texture.

Like, it's not just that I like, I'm not bothered about, like, sweets or chocolates.

Like, I like puddings that have got lots of textures.

Like, what?

Like a trifle?

Yeah, love a trifle.

Loads of different textures there.

Vienette.

Yeah, lovely.

You pick two things with no different textures.

Yeah, the actual.

What are we talking about?

Trifle's got tons of different textures in it.

Fucking trifle.

Yeah.

It's soft all the way down.

Nah, but like the sponge compared to to the jelly.

The sponge is soaked in stuff, so it's just literally, this is cutting into a trifle,

all the way down to the bottom.

If I blindfolded you now and I rubbed a sponge on your face, some jelly, some cream and some custard, you'd be able to tell what each of those was, right?

They're different textures.

What do you like about sweet things?

Just the flavours have always made me happy.

I love sugar, I guess.

This is always a true experiment into what happens when three people have have tequila.

The conversation has just gone fucking mad.

Oh, yes, we started out from a place of absolute sanity.

Sorry, I forgot earlier on when we listened to a

whole speech about how the Tories have ruined gravy

and it was better under Blair.

It's like a Frank sidebottle.

You'd think it would have been good under Brown.

Gravy.

Sadly not.

Oh, dear.

We've not heard your dessert.

We haven't heard your dessert.

You've just asked me what I like about desserts.

I want a couple of little desserts.

I really love it.

What's that?

There's a chain, isn't there?

What is it that they do you little desserts of each one?

This is just such a good idea.

So my favourite dessert in the world, which is just it's A, it's misunderstood.

B, it's underrepresented.

You don't see it enough, and it's the best pudding in the world, is Banoffi Pie.

Yeah.

Bonoffe pie is amazing.

You like it?

I would say, though.

What?

I think it's.

I see it quite a lot, Bonoffi Pie.

Where?

Where?

I don't see it anywhere.

I'd tell you what, where you want to go.

Yeah.

With a kind of idle hand.

They do it there.

They do a bonoffi pie, yeah, sometimes.

What do they put on the top of it?

Cream for memory?

I don't know.

I like it when it's I don't know what you might call it, but I call it miracle whip.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, yeah.

I don't like real cream.

You like miracle whip.

So you would like sort of chemically cream that you can.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get you.

Yeah.

That's what you would like.

Yeah.

And then did you get the, sorry, did you get, because you've just done Taskmaster.

Yeah.

Did you get the Bonoffee Pie on the catering at Taskmaster?

Because after James had done Taskmaster, all you said to me was, oh man, it's such a good show to do.

I was like, great, I can't wait to hear about all the tasks and how fun it is in the studio.

He went, at the studio, there'll be one day we get Bonoffi Pie for dinner.

I've forgotten about that.

It's the absolute best.

And would I lie to you, had the same catering company and there's that bonoffi pie.

And that's all I talked to David Mitchell about

in the green room.

I was like, have you had this?

He was like, yes, it's great.

Every week.

And then

because you know that wagon wheel story, don't you?

Because I've been doing it in stand-up for like all my life.

They might not have heard it.

Do you want to do it?

But it is my favourite

chocolate.

It is my favourite.

I love that because that's the same.

It's like chocolate,

you know, wafer, jam, marshmallow, chocolate.

Wafer.

But biscuit, sorry.

Oh, yeah.

Chocolate biscuit, you know.

Yeah, just making it.

So I'd like a posh version of that.

I don't want the actual wagon wheel, but if you could do me a posh version of a wagon wheel.

Yeah, yeah.

I think some places do.

I think at T-Bay services, you're going to get a kind of

posh version.

I think you can get a posh version of a wagon wheel.

It's almost like a Tummix tea cake as well.

Oh, maybe that's what I'm thinking of, but it's good.

Yeah, that's what I'd like, please.

How would you like it, posher?

What makes it posher for you?

Maybe the chocolate could be better.

Not that bothered about the marshmallow.

The biscuit's a bit weird.

If the biscuit could be like crushed hobnobs,

a bit thicker,

that'd be good.

So, you want banoffy pie little banoffy pie with Miracle Whip and a posh wagon whale?

Yeah.

Anything else?

And then

lots of ice creams, different types of ice creams with sprinkles.

Let's hear these ice creams because I had to listen to soup and that annoyed me.

But let's listen to these ice creams.

Salty caramel.

Nice.

Lovely.

A chocolate.

Yeah.

Raspberry ripple.

Yes, please.

And then just vanilla.

No, that's great.

Vanilla's a solid flavour.

I think people worry about it being too basic.

But a nice vanilla ice cream is up there.

James, not happy?

Well, it's fine.

No, that's your dream.

And like, if you want vanilla ice cream, that's fine.

I I I'm I would love this smorgasbord of dessert so who am I to complain at this point?

But like, yeah, I was getting ready for something crazy, you know.

Oh, what do you mean?

I don't know.

Like a just a bit more of a flavourful.

What like?

Like a Ben and Jerry's flavour or something.

Something with like...

But like fish food?

Have you had that?

I think it's overrated.

Ooh, big talk.

Give me a cart door any day.

Fish food is.

Give me a cart door any day, that's what she said.

I mean, you like wagon wheels.

Fish food is like chunks of chocolate and marshmallow swirl and chocolate ice cream.

It's basically like a wagon wheel ice cream.

But I think it's because it's called Ben and Jerry.

I think it's

branding, isn't it?

It's a little bit misogynistic.

Yeah, actually.

I think it's because it's two older men telling you it's good ice cream.

If it was called like Vicky and Pam,

I don't think people would like it as much.

You don't think they would have done as well if it was Vicky and Pam.

Massively, what cart door is the best ice cream?

Do you know what I like?

You know, when you bring it home from the shop, and then you know, when because like I don't drive, so like I carry my shopping home, yeah, that ice cream must have been really melted off.

You step by the horse.

That's what I like, and I cannot put it in the fridge without just getting my finger and just going around, you know, all the melted bits.

Respect, yeah, love it.

Respect.

And that's nicer than

Tom and Jerry.

Chip

but you know if you got Ben and Jerry's and you walked that home from the supermarket, you would be able to do the same thing.

It's not as smoothie, he's got all the like bit, I don't like the fish in it.

But it's a chocolate.

I don't think the ice cream is as nice.

I think it goes quite bitty.

I'm just saying, Cat Door is so smooth.

You're here to give your opinions, Lucy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We all respect them.

I'm going to read your dream menu back to you now, Lucy.

See how you feel about it.

You want still water with a wedge of lemon?

You would like to bite the middle slices out of a Jackson's loaf of bread with candle butter.

You would like little Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings filled with intense cottage pie and two different soups, which are mushroom and the half red pepper, half yellow pepper soup.

Main course, meatloaf with mashed, green beans and creamy gravy on the airplane coming back from America.

Side dish, pass.

Drink, a margarita with a half salty rim, dessert, Bonoffe Pi, Miracle Whip, a posh wagon wheel, and salted caramel, chocolate, raspberry apple, and vanilla ice cream.

Lucy Beaumont.

Give it up once more, Melissa.

Lucy Beaumont, everybody.

Thank you so much, Manchester.

You've been absolutely amazing.

Thanks so much for coming to the show.

Thank you for coming.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

There we are, a classic.

I mean,

you might want to, you know, just after that listening to that, just sit in a quiet room for about an hour and decomp and let your brain just kind of like get back to normal.

Yes.

Because otherwise, you're going to be thinking like Lucy all day.

Yeah.

I had to, regularly in this episode, for people who weren't there, I was laughing so much and I was so confused that I had to keep standing up and running around the stage like I was an audience at death in the audience of Death Jam comedy.

Yes, it was like David Blaine that just showed Ed a magic trick on the street.

Of course, Lucy is currently on tour with The Trouble and Strife.

So go to lucybaymont.co.uk for tickets.

And of course, Lucy is doing a podcast with Sam Campbell, a previous live guest on that tour of ours.

That tour of ours.

Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains.

Produced by Plosive.

Yes.

So will you be editing it, Benito?

Benito will be delegating the editing to one of Benito's angels.

Yeah, I mean, if at some point during our podcast we start referring to a different producer and we've no longer got the great Benito, it's because Lucy and Sam's perfect brains has broken him.

Yeah, and he's had to quit the industry.

Yes.

Bye.

Bye.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.