Ep 238: Katy Wix

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, pre-sale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast taking the beef mints of conversation, the tomato of the internet.

The kidney beans of

friendship and the chili powder

having a lovely chat.

It's chili concani, but there's so many ingredients that you need for chili concarni that it really threw me, James.

That said, Gamble, my name is James A.

Caster.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favor ever.

Start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

Chili without rice.

And this week, our guest is

Katie Wicks.

Katie Wicks, wonderful comedian, actor, author.

She does it all, James.

Your former rival.

Former rival on Taskmaster, of course.

Your slain foe.

Yes, my slain foe.

She was brilliant on that show.

She's brilliant on everything, to be honest.

She's one of a select group of comedy actors who, if she's in it, I know it's going to be good.

Yep.

And Joe, not only do you know it's going to be good, you know that Katie Wicks is going to be good in it.

Well, that's why it's good because Katie Wicks is good in it.

You know what I mean?

That's what's good.

That's what's good.

And we're very excited about Katie Wicks coming on this podcast.

But here's the thing.

Even though Ed has already slain Katie on another show.

Is she a ghost?

That's why why she's a ghost because she lost to me on Taskmaster.

That's what happened.

Yeah.

That's why, if you watch Ghosts, there's a bit in it where they cut out where they talk about her character and how she died.

Same with Lolly because she lost on Taskmaster.

Yeah.

She was slain by Noel Fielding.

Yes.

He's slain.

And Kyle is alive in Ghosts, but he did lose on Taskmaster.

Yeah.

Charlotte Richie can see ghosts because she lost on Taskmaster.

The theory's not holding up, James.

Kyell and Charlotte ruined it for us.

Yes.

Badil's not in ghosts, but he did not even become a ghost because I ground his body down to dust in Taskmaster.

Well, Badil already lost his mind.

His brains had already been ground to dust before he even went on that show.

My nephews declared him an idiot when they watched it.

And what do they declare me?

The coolest person in the world ever.

Eddie Eddie Gamble.

Eddie Eddie Gamble, they think you're so cool.

Yeah, baby.

I think you're cool and they think you talk by saying, hey, dude, hey, man, yo.

I do do that.

When they write text messages as you to me, thinking that they're tricking me because they don't know how phones work.

And they write, yo, it's me, Ed.

Yo.

Hey, man.

And then insult me.

Yeah.

It's pretty much is what I do to you anyway on texts.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, but

you suck.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey man, yo, yo, dude, you suck.

Just say it.

Bye.

And then they're like, from Ted.

Yeah.

Because you're saved as Ted Grumble in my phone.

Ted Grumble, yeah.

If Katie Wicks chooses the secret ingredient, ingredient, which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant and she will be slain all over again.

And this week, the secret ingredient is toast.

Piece of piece of toast.

A piece of toast.

It has to be a piece of toast.

A piece of toast.

Because this was your suggestion, because based on the Desiree song, Life.

I don't want to see a ghost, aka ghosts.

Yeah, like Katie.

Katie Wicks.

I'd rather have, that's the site that I fear most.

I'd rather have a piece of toast.

Watch the evening news.

So that's where a piece of toast comes from.

But it's a very broad secret ingredient, James.

Yeah.

Popped ups or bread, she might say a piece of toast

and then she gone.

And then she's gone.

And listen, that's just the way it is.

Yeah.

That's just the way it is.

And I think that's exciting.

It is exciting, but also it's awful.

Yeah.

Because I know Katie listens to this podcast sometimes.

And I think she's excited to come on.

Yeah.

But what will we do if...

Because obviously when we kicked Jade out, it was in the dessert.

So it worked.

What are we going to do if we kick Katie out of the Poppadums or Bread course?

Seen life.

Seeing that Despace on Life.

The whole thing?

For an hour, I guess.

Yeah.

Well, let's say now that Katie has a brilliant book out called Delicacy.

So you should absolutely go and buy that.

We'll do the plug now, just in case we kick her out after five minutes.

Katie Wicks, Delicacy, out now.

Buy it on paperback and audiobook.

This is the off-menu menu of Katie Wicks.

Welcome, Katie, to the Dream Restaurant.

Welcome, Katie Wicks to the Dream Restaurant.

Why do you swallow your chewing gate?

Hi, boys.

Sorry,

it's rarely happens that we just get into it this quickly.

But just before we started recording, you said you were going to swallow your chewing gum.

Well,

you're making me out to be a ridiculous figure.

A, it's half a chewing gum.

Right.

And B, it was a sort of panic.

I was thinking of you guys.

But why were we going to swim?

I was thinking, I'll take one for the team.

Would it be easy if I just quickly swallowed half a chewing gum?

It wouldn't be if you died.

That would be awful.

I have done it before, and I'm still here to tell the tale.

How many chewing gums have you swallowed?

Over my lifetime,

maybe 10.

I don't think I even could do it.

You know what it makes you think of, and we were just mentioning Steve Coogan as well because he's done an episode recently.

I went to see Steve Coogan live when I was 13.

My mum took me to his live show.

And one of the pre-show announcements was, if you have any chewing gum, don't swallow it.

It wraps around your heart.

And so now anytime anyone mentions swallowing chewing gum, I think of that.

Wow, wraps around your heart, Katie.

You've got a big, got a big one.

There's plenty of room.

Well, I think it's insane that I've never met anyone who swallows chewing wing before, so I think you're like the most risk-takey, badass guest we've ever had on.

That could have been the one that killed me, and Ben swooped in with a receipt for, I can't remember, and I put it in there.

What was the receipt for?

What was it for?

It was for a greetings card.

Birthday?

Memory card?

A well-done card?

That's a great format.

You bought someone a well-done card, Benito.

That's nice, isn't it?

That's nice.

I hope it's for me after I've done this.

Yeah.

We give more like us a well-done card.

James put his head in satisfaction.

It's funny.

It's too wacky for you.

I see.

Have you ever received a well-done card before for something?

Maybe A-levels.

Did you do well on your A levels or was it pre-results?

Well done for trying.

Yeah.

No, it wasn't pre-results.

I did fine.

You know, I've got a BA, put it that way.

But I remember my parents giving me a well-done card for that.

What else?

Oh, maybe like first nights.

I've done a couple of plays.

You sometimes get a, it's not so much well done, is it?

Because you haven't done it yet.

I don't know, thinking of you

on your first night.

Thinking of you.

Congrats.

Cards mean nothing to me, man.

Yeah.

You know, when people, someone gives you a card and like.

It's on the message, doesn't it?

No, I'm just.

Depends on the old missive.

You'd like a blank one so you can reuse it.

Yeah, yeah.

That is ideal.

That's thoughtful, isn't it?

Here's a blank card.

Reuse this.

There's nothing inside.

Yeah.

Lovely front.

You don't like them.

No.

What's the point?

When I get a card, open it, read it, straight in the bin.

You don't display it?

No, well,

I think that's arrogant if it's well done.

What about birthday cards?

Do you want people to come in and know it was recently your birthday?

People don't really come into our house.

Okay.

Yeah, I've heard that.

Yeah.

It's still locked down.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah.

We're very safe in our house.

Me and my wife are socially distanced.

Great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you like food, Katie?

Are you a food fan?

I'm not a foodie

at all.

My parents, who are now dead, bless them.

I'm sorry I've said it.

That's atmospherically very dark, I know.

But they didn't really cook, so I never really got into it.

So my dad was like, he was from Merthyr Tydville, you know, from this ex-mining town.

Egg and chips was his whole life.

He didn't, he thought pasta was, you know, exotic, hummus, stuff like that.

When I'd come back from union, there'd be hummus in the fridge and stuff like that.

He just thought it was really foreign and weird.

And I think for my mum, it was just a massive chore, and she really resented having to do it.

So I think there was a point when I was a teenager where my mum tried to teach me to cook, but I was so resentful of being told what to do.

I didn't listen.

So I hate cooking.

I find it a massive chore.

I find it really boring.

And I love being cooked for.

Who doesn't?

I'm just so like grateful when someone gives me food.

I'm not, I'm not a food.

I don't know the names of things.

And also when I, if I go out to eat, I'm so, there's so many other things to consider before I even get to the food.

You know what I mean?

There's like a lot of sensory stuff.

I hate like noise and particular lights, and you know, who it's all about who I'm with, and I sort of almost not forget to eat, but I never really focus on the food.

You're not, yeah, you're not focusing on it, you're just trying on how I'm feeling.

You know, I've left the house, well done.

There's a lot of steps I go, you know, before I even get to a restaurant, sit down and have a meal.

And then, if the food's nice, it's a bonus, but you know, I have no, I'm such a Philistine, I have, I have no, I've been to really posh restaurants and I thought it was a bit weird.

Yeah, stuff I was eating quite like worm salad I've had stuff like that

yeah and what's the name of the place but I went to a very posh place for my birthday and um there was two I went with um the other person with me was vegan so you got an email before sort of saying you know do you want the vegan menu or the non-vegan menu that was the two choices so I'm I'm planning on being vegan eventually.

I think we'll all have to be, won't we, basically?

But so I'm sort of groping towards being vegan, but doing it really badly.

Anyway, so at this point, I was, I took non-vegan and I don't know, I had to take a breath then it was a really emotional story and then the food came and I ate this salad and the woman took it away and she said how was your salad and I said oh yeah fine thank you then she looked down at the plate and she said oh you've still got some worms left

and I thought I was uh hallucinating I thought I'd left my body you know what I mean I thought oh this is

this is like trippy now like what's just happened there and um i looked down and then i saw like three or four worms in in the plate Not like garden worms, like kind of shrub territory.

Little worms.

Yeah, they were little, but they were moving.

They were dead.

Yeah.

And I looked at them and I just, it just took me a long time to take it in, you know, to process what was happening.

And I just said, oh, no, I'm done.

Thank you.

And handed her the plate.

And I just remember being really pale and shocked.

And then the person I was with was a bit sort of, well, that's what happens when you tick, you know, non-vegan.

In a way, like morally, you're saying, I'm up for anything.

it's not what happens if you tick non-vegan, you get worm salad.

But I took their point that they were sort of saying, well, you know, be a vegan.

That's the solution.

If you don't want secret worms, you know, to them, it's just protein, it's meat.

So, um, but I felt I felt a bit violated that I hadn't been told and just a bit sick.

So, is it like a tasting menu thing where they were just bringing you out?

Is that a tasting menu?

I don't even know the tasting thing.

So, they at least explain it up, put a dish down in front of you and go, and this is a worm salad?

No, definitely.

There was no there was no prior warning yeah there was no chat about it about your worm salad you've still got some worms left uh yeah and then she saw my reaction she came back and she said she said i won't do her accent but she said is she said is the problem that you didn't like it or do you object like she was trying to understand what my reaction objection yeah yeah she she was really concerned by my and confused by my reaction and i sort of said no it's fine it's just um it's the shock the shock of eating worms i was a bit hungover i was a bit tearful i just didn't i just wanted to have a nice birthday and not be fed worms.

That's all I wanted.

You were tearful?

Because I was hungover.

Yeah.

Because you were crying as well.

Yeah.

That would be why she came back to check.

I thought the tears would bring the worms back to life and it would all be amazing.

I do want to know the name of that place, though, because I'd like to try worm salad.

I'll tell you after.

Also, at the end, they served for pudding, it was tobacco-flavoured chocolate, which went really well with a cigarette, I have to say.

So that was lovely.

We always start with still a sparkling chocolate.

Oh, yeah, not the worm stuff.

That's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

We always start with conversation.

We start the worm course.

Conversation-wise.

We start with worms.

Yeah.

But meal-wise, still a sparkling water.

And we won't drink.

The only time I think I don't really drink water.

I'm like Winkleman.

I hate it.

I find it really boring.

So I'm happy to go with whatever the other person has ordered because I'm not going to drink it, if truth be told.

The only time I drink water is in the gym.

So still, because I've never seen anyone drink sparkling water in the gym, which I might might start doing so i think i'm i i think still but sparkling like i i'd never had it before i moved to london i still think of it as really glamorous exciting thing definitely i'm at the moment i'm quite obsessed with dash water which is sparkling water with you know flavor with fruit in it yeah i've seen them in the sort of the thin cans yeah the thin cans lots of like nice pastel colours i'm obsessed with those so i'm like a complete baby like i'll only drink water if it's got a little bit of something extra in it to tell to try and make you forget it's water basically what's your favorite flavor of dash there's a green bottle so it must be lime yeah yeah yeah what does it taste like it tastes like lime yeah lime yeah lemon limey yeah if you would have whatever the other person's having yeah who would you imagine you're having your dream meal with and what would they have and what would they have Well, so I've just been at the moment, you know, Adam, who I write with, don't you?

Yeah.

With red hair.

So we've just gone away.

We just went away to, I'm writing like sort of full time at the moment.

It's just been a year of writing, which has been amazing.

I've really, really loved it.

But so we went away this week and had a lot of meals.

So I'm sort of thinking of him.

He always had sparkling and I just sort of let him.

So you're imagining maybe having the same as Adam, but he'd pick sparkling.

But I think if you like that dash, you could have Dash on your dream meal.

Oh, he drinks Dash as well.

So did you both discover Dash together, you and Addie?

Well, I mean, we'll get onto this with the drinks, but I am really obsessed.

I think there's a gap in the market for the following.

Okay, so if you, what I'm really interested in is drinks.

If you don't want alcohol, which you don't really drink very much, if you don't want caffeine, if you don't want alcohol, if you don't want sugar, if you don't want a spartamy, but you don't drink water.

The choices are so limited, aren't they?

So I'm always on the lookout for an exciting, soft drink that has none of those things that still taste nice.

Yeah.

But I never find those kind of drinks.

Like when I was filming Big Boys, actually, I found a shop that sold these drinks called Feel Good, nothing to do with May, May Show.

And they came close.

They were amazing.

But Dash comes close as well to a soft drink that has nothing in it.

No fun, no aspartamy, nothing, no, you know.

Yeah.

Because otherwise it's, you'll go to a pub and it's lime and soda.

That's the only choice.

Poplums of red.

Pop-lubs off red, can you, Wicks?

Pop-lobs off red.

Can't have popped arms, don't have a gallbladder.

Next question.

Up to you.

Right.

It's all up to me.

I didn't choose to not have a gallbladder.

Well, you made it sound like a choice.

It's the first time we've had that answer.

Okay.

Can't have popped ons, don't have a gallbladder.

Well, it's true.

Excuse me for my ignorance.

You were there.

But why does...

Yes, I was there.

When Katie lost her gallbladder.

Well, it's why I wasn't on Taskmaster for a bit.

For two episodes.

Oh, that was it.

It was a gallbladder.

Yeah, so what?

I mean, so

I had gallstones, which is incredibly, incredibly painful.

Yes, I've heard.

And they sort of came out of nowhere.

The doctor wasn't really sure why I'd suddenly got them.

What you actually was i was quite young to get them i was holding back that because i came out so well out of that that bit and uh so when we were filming uh yeah we were filming the studio weren't we yeah and it was sunday night and um i was in so much pain i think i might have texted alex horn to be like just to let you know i'm in the most i'm in hell and i don't know if i'm going to be well enough for the studio um he was like you know just don't worry about it but i think at that point they they got some standbys yeah so then i ended up in a e and they they kept me in overnight and i was really out of it because i was in so much pain and they said to me look it's got to come out because it just got to the point where my gallbladder was you know it was inflamed and stuff like that and it was in hospital you know in the in the the outfit what do you call it the gown not the taskmaster outfit no not not yet the builder's hat yeah being sick into the builder's hat in bed and they and i think i sort of decided i was gonna so i'd missed one show and i decided that that night i was gonna go in and make the studio so i went straight from hospital.

It was so dramatic.

So they kind of came around, did that thing where they discharge you, that's the word, and they're sort of making sure you're compass mentis and saying you're right.

And I was saying, oh,

I've got to go and be on TV.

And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a bit like, we should keep her in for a bit longer.

It was really like, you know, one floor of the cookie's nest.

They thought I was completely delusional.

I was like, I've got to go and be on TV.

I've got to go.

And I sort of almost had to pull the...

drip out of my arm and be like, I've got to go, I've got to go on TV.

And there was one, I had a shower in one of those sort of disabled cubicles and they just had that sort of like horrible shampoo that's like for, you know, for everything.

And I sort of said, it's something on TV and I really like glossy hair.

Do you have any like nice, nicer shampoo than the one?

Like, it's just that one.

It's just like hair body.

And they were like, no, we don't have any nice shampoo.

I was like, oh, that's okay.

That's all right.

Let's wash my hair with that stuff.

It'll be fine.

It'll be fine.

And then I got a text from my neighbour saying that a tree had fallen in front of my house and I could no longer get into my house.

So that was weird.

It just falling in the night.

There was no one in the house, but you couldn't get in or out because the tree was just blocking the front door and there's no back door.

So then when the doctor came around, I sort of said, look, there's a tree.

I can't get to my house.

There's a tree in front of it and I've got to go on TV now.

So I've got to go.

And he just thought

you've got to go on TV.

They just thought I was delusional.

Yeah.

But I did.

I went that night and I was so out of it.

And Joe Brand, who's famously an ex-uh psychiatric nurse, was looking at all my pills before we were filming, being like, okay, don't take this before the show.

And then I did, got muddled.

And she was like, take this with food, dude.

This she was amazing and really caring.

Yeah.

And we got through it.

I think anyone noticed, but I remember after that show, one of the producers texted me being like, oh, you were quite just different energy tonight.

Different, quite, what do you say?

You were quite aggressive or something.

I don't remember you being aggressive.

Well, I was on antibiotics and they made me feel very angry.

I don't know if anyone else has ever had that, but I get that a lot with antibiotics.

So bread, anyway.

So bread.

Yeah, yeah.

Just a nice bit of toast after all that.

But there were replacements for young Taskmaster.

That all began with Kay.

Yeah, that all began with Kay.

But then the next night when you might not have been coming in, Paul Chowdery was there in the building.

Yeah,

Nature's Me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Paul Jowdry.

Sorry, can we roll back?

What was your choice?

What sort of bread do you want?

Well, I, at the moment, the nicest bread I've had in ages is...

Do you know Dean Street Downhouse?

Yes.

The bread there is incredible.

That's my favourite bread.

What is it called?

I don't know, but it is it's very dense it's brown it's very spongy

like so soda bread like no it's not soda bread i've definitely had that i had that in ireland actually um no it tastes very it's very sort of rustic looking and it's the kind of you know stuff you want to sort of tear off yeah yeah that's all i've got on that bread but how do you um how do you want it because you you said a minute ago you said yeah just a piece of toast after all i think it was a general term well this is what i'm just checking though

that's my favourite bread of all time, the Dean Street Townhouse bread.

Um, but I do love toast.

I'd say I have toast every day.

Yes, I have scrambled oak and toast, I say every day, pretty much.

Lovely, but it's the Dean Street Townhouse bread that you're that's my

dream bread, just to be clear, yeah, with butter, yeah, with Welsh butter, I think.

Nice because I grew up in South Wales, I know I don't have an accent anymore.

We were never allowed butter because my mum was always on diet, so uh, it was always disgusting butter substitute for or half-up butter.

So, so because I was denied butter so much of my life I'm quite obsessed with it it still feels like a real it feels forbidden and a huge rebellious treat yeah to have it so I'm quite I'm quite obsessed with it but I do think Welsh butter is particularly delicious salted of course James you just want to tell Katie why you're so tense because I don't think you're going to be able to get through it otherwise what yes you've got a spider on me

that's the first guess I felt like that's what you were going to say first guess is there's a spider on you oh is it the secret um yes thing?

Yes.

You said secret gift.

Has anyone ever said it?

Yeah, Jade Adams said.

And do you chuck them out?

Yes.

Yeah, and you were very close just then.

By saying Welsh butter.

The secret ingredients for you is a piece of toast.

Because

bread, just a piece of toast in the end.

Oh, but I think you said that.

And I was like, but then you chose the Dean Street Townhouse.

You're red to it.

No, no, no, you're not.

Because

we pushed you on it.

What do you mean?

You said Dean Street Townhouse bread.

Yeah, no, that is my opinion.

And you clarified that it wouldn't be toast so you didn't know at the time it was a secret ingredient yeah that's my official choice but it was just i i had to make sure that we were clear on it

can i just check quickly i want to look back to something

why can't you have popadoms if you've got no right right right exactly so the gallbladder it's it breaks down fat it produces bile that breaks down fat so i can't really digest fat very well so fried things are out spicy things are out lots of things are out for me although i mean when was that like four years ago was it we did tm yes so now i can pretty much eat normally but for a long time I'd be I'd be in pain if I had yeah something like something fried would really fuck me up can you swear yeah encouraged

in character yeah in character yeah you can swear in character you can swear in character

but chewing gums fine that's got no fat in it yes

you can swallow that lovely

Your dream starter, Katie Wicks.

So I think it's going to be, I mean, again,

I can't really eat this because of what I just said, but I can eat, I'm going to eat a bit of it if that is allowed.

Paul said, for your dream meal, we can pop your gallbladder back in.

Yeah, put my gallbladder back in, would you, please?

Yeah, it's the first time the genie's had to do that.

Yeah, I thought of that.

If I'd thought of that, my whole menu would have changed, you know.

This is me pre, yeah, this is me pre-operation.

It's a plate of chips from the place that I used to go to when I was little.

So, so we lived

about half an hour outside of Cardiff.

So I go Cardiff when I say Cardiff.

So on a Friday night, we'd have the chippy tea and it was a huge deal, huge treat.

My dad would usually be working late.

So me and my mum would like drive to the chip shop.

It was in a place called Ely just outside of Cardiff and just the just chips in there was so incredible and I remember I'd sort of sit and wait in the car and I've got a really particular memory which is the one where it's like that Brian Adams song had been at number one for like 16 weeks.

The Robin Hood one.

Yeah.

The Robin Hood one.

And I remember that playing and me sort of looking out the window watching the rain form because it was what was raining at South Wales waiting for the chips to arrive just you know thinking what would it be like to be in love as this song was playing that's the sort of thing I'd be thinking and then the chips would arrive and the car would be filled with the smell of the chips instantaneously and then we'd get home and mum would insist on plates you couldn't just go straight out

but you could put the paper on the plate you didn't have to do

yeah yeah yeah yeah you didn't have to shimmy them you didn't have to shimmy all the chips off onto the plate you could just put it down, open, unfurl the paper, paper on the plate.

Is that what you'd do?

Yeah.

And then in front of our knees.

So it's those chips because they were really hefty, those chips, and they were, you know, really fluffy and fat, those chips from this chip shop.

And then we'd usually have, I'd have like a fish cake with it is what I remember.

But again, because like we only had sort of, well, in my house, there was a kind of thing of there was men's food and women's food.

That's how I was kind of raised.

So there was like like men's food was like anything,

and women were just supposed to have like Rye Vita,

yeah, men, yeah, well, it was it was exactly it was fairly patriarchal.

So, me and mum, I always had to just like eat what mum was having, which was like Rye Vita and diet food and health food.

So, like, when it came to Friday night, it was like a huge deal, just like the taste of fat was explosive because I'd just been eating like half-fat everything in the week, so it was like a really big deal, it was really exciting, yeah.

Sounds it had a really difficult job.

story.

It's just funny.

It's just funny to tag on at the end of this quite nostalgic story.

About dreaming about a really difficult childhood.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, but that was, you know, silly, silly riff.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's why I laughed at it.

But then you went, what?

You're laughing at me or with me.

It's not clear.

James obviously loved the idea of you sat in the car waiting for the chips, thinking about

what it would be like to be in love.

Yeah, yeah, thinking about what it would be like to be in love.

That song is the first time I really, it just from that song, I thought being in love is just going to be so

epic.

It's going to be amazing.

Also, I remember the music video for that song because I remember it was number one for ages.

I think it was 16 weeks.

Yeah.

So he wasn't turning up every week to perform it.

Not on top of the pop.

On top of the pop.

So like they would just show the video.

Yeah, you're so right.

But I hadn't seen that film.

Do you remember?

I just remember that like

Flaming Arrow?

Yeah.

Do you know what knocked it off?

Because you know, music traces.

I don't know with that one, actually.

Yeah, it might have been like...

Is it wet, wet, wet?

See, I'm just blurring all that era and stuff in together

because,

yeah, I mean, think twice by Celine Dion wouldn't have been long after that, but maybe that didn't make me think about love.

No,

think about Thinking Twice.

The cheap song was chair, maybe.

One of the original number ones.

Yeah.

Sometimes they would record the live performance on top of the pops and then just play that in, wouldn't you?

They would, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Remember when they were in

a few weeks ago, but like so lazy.

Yeah.

But if you're Adams, like, and I'd say by the time it gets to five weeks at number one, if you're having to go into Top of the Pops every time, you're like, oh, for the fucking thing.

I nearly, I went to South Korea recently.

This is related, I promise.

With a vegan and Tim Ki.

And I

was

the third diet.

Is this a different vegan?

This is a worm meal.

No,

same vegan.

I'm in a throttle with Tim Ki and Vegan, is what I'm saying.

We're really happy.

And I went to South Korea and Brian Adams was playing, and we nearly thought, oh, let's just go in, be funny.

Yeah.

We were looking for K-pop, and we found Brian Adams.

The opposite.

That story doesn't go anywhere.

I would have thought if you went to see Brian Adams, that would transport you back to thinking.

What would it be like to be in love?

I'd be there with my thrupple.

Yeah.

I know, exactly.

But it's slightly weird.

But it's light.

And it's twice the fun.

You too.

Not too much.

Which song?

The fly, by the way.

I must have blanked it out.

I have no idea.

I was so devo'd that I blanked it out.

I remember sitting in my car wondering what it would be like to be a fly.

Well, talking about flies, I've literally, during this chat, looked down and realised that my flies are completely undone.

At least you've got something.

At least you've got something on them.

They are currently.

And I didn't want to do them up again.

I'm going to check mine.

My tits are hanging out

for the whole thing.

Isn't that all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what it happens?

We'll put

the only clips we'll put out from this point, okay?

Honestly, I'm fine with that.

I could do it with an image change.

I'm absolutely fine with that.

You heard about Katie?

She had an image change.

What's she doing?

She gets her tits out on podcasts.

That's her tits out all the time.

Leaves them out.

It's a lovely dream starter.

Yeah.

Is it a case?

I love chippy chips.

Chippy chips is a starter.

You put me in the mood for chippy chips.

I might get chippy chips tonight, actually.

Lovely.

And that's a compliment.

It's not often during a podcast, I think.

I'm going to get that thing tonight.

Yeah.

How'd that compliment feel?

Felt like listening to me.

Felt like listening to B.

Adams

in South Korea.

Your dream main cause.

I think, it's tricky, isn't it?

But I think it's going to be

starving because

we have sex.

Yeah, we do she told us by mistake it's going to be chewing gum on toast baby

um it's going to be carbonara simple as now we usually we don't know our guests choices but um we interviewed someone else today before you came in you asked what their main course was we told you that their main course was carbonara and you went oh my god that's mine as well so now this is the only time we've ever known it's a double carbonara

No, that's good.

I mean, look, it's a great choice, but talk us through it.

Why do you love Carbonara so much?

Are you supposed to say spaghetti Carbonara?

I thought if I just said carbonara it sounds more authentic well i guess that leaves it open to maybe you could have a different shape of pasta with it no i love spaghetti you have spaghetti it's the only time i've had it i've never made it yeah i've never had a bad one but again i just think i think all pasta is incredible yeah i just you know i'm just so happy to be given a plate of pasta i've got no discerning you know like abilities when it comes to what's i mean i sort of unless it had like you know dog shit on it i honestly don't think i'd know it was really bad like other people i've been on jobs like i'm filming and you know, the catering is a big deal on filming, as you can imagine.

Because, you know, everyone's an actor, everyone's working hard.

And, you know, especially if the crew actors aren't really, you know, expanding much energy mostly, but they're always doing stuff.

And the whole day, you know, pivots around it.

And people always often complaining about the food.

I think it's like a bonding experience.

Yeah.

And I'm always like, I just can't believe I get 33 food.

It's like, what?

Someone just brings me the food.

This is amazing.

I just sit in my room and eat the food.

I'm just so grateful that someone's brought me food.

I never, yeah, like have an opinion on it.

Well, that's a good attitude to have, especially in a place of work, I guess, to be like, I'm just happy to be eating.

It's a little break in the day, time on my own.

That's, you know, that's all that matters.

The only time I've like, yeah, turned ungrateful is, I don't know, after, I don't know how many episodes of Mock the Week I did.

But

it's going to find out when you're talking about it.

But like, yeah,

the food was never that great.

on Mock the Week.

And there was a point where I went, I'm done with this shit.

Yeah.

I'm done.

On one week, I was like, I want a Nando's.

I love Nando.

I only had my first Nando's.

So those Nando's literally a cost of it.

I had my first Nando's on staff and stuff like that.

And it blew my mind.

And I'm obsessed with it now.

I have it a lot.

I absolutely love it.

What's your order in Nando's?

So I have plain.

I have to have plain.

I tried one above.

And it was like I was on that chat show where you that

show where you have to eat all the chilies and be interviewed.

That's how it felt.

Going one above plain.

Plain-ish.

That's how it felt.

Some of us have lemon and herb.

I have a chicken wrap.

Yes.

I don't eat red meat anymore, but as I say, I'm slowly trying to, you know.

Well, I did.

I know this is a controversial thing to say, but basically, I was vegetarian for a while and I got really ill.

That isn't a controversial thing to say because obviously you can do it and be fine.

I was just eating brown flakes.

I fucked it.

I got anemic.

So I wasn't doing it properly.

But I, you know, spiritually, I'm vegetarian.

Yeah.

Morally.

Like, I want to be.

Morally, I'm vegetarian.

In practice, chicken wrap.

Yeah, in practice, Nando's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is going to be a fascinating

listen back for you, I think, to hear.

I'm not listening to this back.

No.

No.

Are you going to be calling myself?

I might listen back to you.

I don't know.

I think, Katie,

it'd be interesting for you to hear

where your answers always end up.

So, like, the question there was like, what's your Nando's order?

And at the end, you're like, and then I got anemia.

And then,

I know it sounds like a bad thing to say, but like, I don't know what I'm...

And then it's like, wow, we've really ended up in a different place.

And there's not a criticism.

the i love the wraps in mando's yeah there is i get a lot of grief for it from him why it's because he puts pineapple in his yeah i do that i think that's delightful thank you katie well it's

this is how it feels like to be alone sorry carbonite yeah throttle room for another

well you've already got tin p in the vegan no i mean

we'll get rid of the vegan and the mysterious james in mysterious vegan yeah um the unnamed vegan the

the best carbonara i had i'm now i'm getting myself back to the carbonara Carbonara.

I can do it myself.

Don't need you guys.

This could have just been a monologue.

Was in Florence.

And it probably, it was a very touristy place.

It probably, there was probably nothing authentic about it.

Just me.

But I just, no, it was, it was delicious.

Cream in it?

It was very creamy.

And I think that's the key thing for me.

Right.

That it's, yeah, the creaminess.

But was it creamy from cream?

Because this is what people kick off about about Carbonara.

When people put actual creamy.

It's just creepy if it wouldn't be creamy.

Egg yolk creates the creaminess.

right okay because you're not supposed to apparently a dog has just let itself in toasty toast just let himself in toast you're the secret ingredient you can't feed it

oh

he's got butter all over his back

doing a little you're not supposed to

everyone else has had to go home so toast has been put in here is that okay because my answers aren't good enough yes yeah i love it because your answers aren't good enough we've had to introduce a dog to the podcast at least to make it more interesting we're about to have a wacky sidekick because

you're you're not delivering love.

Yeah, so apparently you're not supposed to put cream in Carbonara to get the creaminess, but you put egg yolk in Carbonara.

Have you made it a lot?

I've not made it before.

I mean, I love it.

I think it's delicious.

It feels like the biggest treat pasta-wise.

I'm going to make it.

I've never made it.

I mean, why would I?

Yeah, I just think it's delicious.

I always knew it was going to be a pasta dish.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just think it's so comforting and

kind of reminds me of being a student as well.

One of my best friends, Maryam,

she's a really good cook.

And she would, like, if we went on a big night out and we'd get in at five in the morning or something off our faces and she'd make like a big pot of pasta and all be there the next day when you got up and you were kind of shaky and scared and you know what you'd done and it would just be there on the stove just like you'd be able to sort of dip into it and you'd feel a bit more you know i'm glad that you said you don't drink much anymore because the two stories about hangover so far you've you've been in tears uh and you've been shaky and scared of what you've done so depressing you know yeah

and people should have the guts to say that more

no i'm just i mean i love it i love being drunk like for me two glasses of white wine an empty stomach is like a really transcendental journey for me it's like i feel like i'm in the center of the universe when i have two glasses of wine with an empty i feel electric yeah i really do like it's an incredible feeling yeah but i think that's a lovely main course yes it'd be quite easy to make no i think i feel like it should be because i should say i can't it's not that i can't i can cook i just don't like it i'm not terrible so if you were on can't cook won't cook which one would you be which one's i think you're big cook little cook that's the that's different isn't it that's the big idea there's two questions to answer here if you're on can't cook won't cook which one would you be and if you're on big cook little cook

break it down slow down right so you see how you hosted it it was a competition but the more interesting question isn't it is who would you be off big cook little cook oh yeah yeah i should i'd be i actually can't remember i can't picture i can picture them as both so i'm not coming to it somehow mixing it up with Big Howard, Little Howard.

Yeah, it's not them.

I can remember that.

Big Cook, Little Cook were originally a sketch comedy group called Electric Forecast.

I'd be the normal size one.

Normal size guy.

That's too vulnerable being that small.

That guy, and that guy is tiny.

He agrees.

He's tiny.

God, imagine if he wasn't in a show.

So what's Can't Cook?

I've not seen that.

Can't won't cook was when we were growing up, it was on, when we got home from school, Angela Harriet hosting it in the studio.

There would be two professional chefs, and they'd each be paired up with a member of the public, one of whom can't cook and one of whom won't cook.

So I'd be won't cook, yeah.

Yeah, you'd be on the won't cook.

You'd be won't cook normal sized.

So those are the two questions.

Normal sized, yeah.

Yeah.

I was obsessed with Big Cook, Little Cook at university.

We all were.

Because one of my best friends at university looks exactly like Little Cook.

And there's Little Cook, the one with the mullet.

Ginger guy with the glasses.

Right, right, right.

Everyone's got a friend who looks like big or little cook, you know.

It's the two.

Big Big cook, little cook are the two white guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Again, another great throttle for someone.

Imagine they didn't have a throttle with big cook, little cook.

You'd have to be medium-sized, wouldn't you?

At least the cooking would be taken care of.

Yeah.

Carbon iron now.

Big cook.

Tell little cook now.

Your dream side dish, Katie Wicks.

It's just a small lasagna, if that's okay.

That is absolutely okay.

Okay, good, good.

Probably cold.

Really?

Yeah.

Really?

Nice.

Very nice.

Cold lasagna.

Yeah.

I love a cold lasagna.

Because?

Well, a whole story about it, but

then I wrote a show.

I called it that.

That's where I know you're from.

The show.

I saw that show.

Trying to place these guys all day.

I know, right?

You saw this milk film.

That's where I know you're from.

That's where I know you're from.

Finally, a catchphrase you're getting bored with.

I would have it cold because

when the fat was all congealed the next day, like that, that is heaven.

Yeah, so good.

Because I couldn't decide between lasagna and carbon art.

I've never had a bad lasagna.

I'm quite obsessed with it, like Garfield.

How do you feel about Mondays?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean,

I think Sunday nights are the worst.

Yeah, that's true.

They missed that trick with Garfield.

He should have said sort of Sunday nights in the speech bubble rather than Mondays.

As a kid, man.

Yeah, those Sunday nights when you went to school the next day.

And the antiques road show music yeah mocking you oh so that's that was your tv thing on sunday night was antiques roadshow i it was often the uh like the sunday night drama so like the narnia one yeah yeah that one the borrowers yeah exactly i was thinking about the borrowers just then when we were talking about little

cook yeah

um

I was thinking about the borrowers.

They should do a borrower's can't cook, won't cook.

That'd be good, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

That'd be good.

Yeah, yeah.

Who's can't cook and use won't cook from the borrower?

Ariatti won't.

In fact, that's that's another one of my favourite meals.

That would be a strong content.

Me and my mum used to have,

we'd have toast with pate on it.

Yeah.

And sit in front of the Sunday night drama.

So we were so close to kicking you out of this.

Like twice.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I've swerved it.

Twice you've swerved it.

Or like cheese and crackers we'd have.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And watch Project Runway.

Have you ever seen that?

No.

Yeah.

Oh, I love it so much.

Tim Gunn.

Yeah, Tim Gunn.

That was the first thing I wanted to be was a fashion designer for ages when I was a teenager and I used to just draw dresses in my bedroom.

And yeah, I love Project Runway.

Were they good dresses looking back that you designed?

The ones I drew or on the show.

The ones that you drew?

Yeah, I think they were good.

They were always usually purple.

I'm trying to work out what I would watch on the Sunday night.

I think Antiques Roadshow definitely played a part.

And I loved

those old Narnia ones.

The old Narnia ones are so good.

Which they released on DVD a few years ago.

Yeah.

And I watched them again and they are bad.

My friend's...

Greta's making it, isn't she?

Greta Gerwigs.

That's her next film.

Is she?

You're in First Name Turns.

So Greta Gerwitz.

Yeah, Greta.

Yeah.

But also my friend's dad played Mr.

Dumbness, and that was a really big deal.

What?

No.

No, in the original.

The originals.

When I did National Youth Theatre, I must be about 15 or 16.

That was the first time I'd been to London, actually.

And yeah, I remember there was a girl on that course, and she, you know, the first thing, the second thing out of her mouth, my dad's Mr.

Dumnus.

Have you ever read it?

Yeah, yeah.

Read all of them, watch all those shows.

Little Christian boys.

Yes, exactly.

I was just thinking that.

So Little Christian Boy, Boy, you get them read to you.

He's such a big Chriso, isn't he?

Yeah, it's massive Christian.

Grief observed.

That's actually brilliant as well.

Whole thing's a metaphor for Christianity.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he doesn't make it obvious if you're a little kid.

Yeah, a lot of allegiance to the people.

The very last book.

Yeah.

The very last book, it's like he just lays it all out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Obviously, I'm talking about Jesus, as has Jesus.

Of course, you would have to make them.

But I think Christianity would be more popular if they just went with Narnia instead of the Bible.

Because if Jesus was a lion, then I would have been on board with Christianity, I think.

Yeah, if he was that weird mechanical lion in the suit, yeah, that they had in that show.

I wanted to hug that so much as well.

I wanted to hug it.

You wanted to hug it?

Yeah, I used to think about it all the time.

I want to hug Asalan so much.

I looked quite a lot like Lucy.

Oh, yeah.

Is Lucy the dark-haired one?

She's the smallest one, the little, the, the little girl.

The longest one, not the, yeah.

I look quite a lot like when I was a child, like a big bowl cut.

I love a little lasagna on the side of a carbonara.

I think that's great because I'm a huge lasagna fan.

I think it's probably if i had did a big detailed spreadsheet of all of my favorite things and all of my favorite foods i think lasagna would come out on top score wise yeah i agree it's phenomenal it's a lot it's a it's it's too much food it's overwhelming but you know this is this is a fantasy yeah absolutely and you're only having a little one you said on the side a little one yeah little cold one i'm interested so how did this

hand it as the side dish and not the starter and the chips are the starter and not the side dish because some people might think traditionally you'd have it that but it's very interesting you've got it the other way around yeah you're right i that makes more sense it could have been any configuration all that mattered was they were all included right yes that makes yes do you think you might um get some carbonara on your fork twizzle it up and then stick it in the lasagna that's a lovely idea yeah i uh

often i

often think of you which sounds so ridiculous i often think of you when i like chips in milkshakes yeah yeah that makes me think of you.

Yes, yeah.

I've gone and recorded on this podcast how much I love it.

I've been reprimanded every time.

Yeah.

Now it's been bought up again.

My mum will text me again and tell me often.

Oh, really?

When I talked to your parents about this podcast.

Yeah, you met my parents recently.

Yeah.

Your mum said, no, I think your mum said, I listen to it.

I listen to it in the kitchen.

Yes.

And your dad said, I don't listen to it, but I can hear that.

I've forgotten your mum's name, has it on in the kitchen, and I walk through and sort of hear bits of it.

so your dream drink katie it's going to be a dc diet coke dc baby it's it's just my favorite drink i love it so much and i feel that oh can i have an amuse bouche yeah when does that come traditionally start at the beginning right and start

because you've got an amuse the bouche chop it there yeah okay um a trek bar please wow first time anyone's chosen a trek bar i think it's the first time someone's requested an amuse bouche yeah and then also certainly the first time trek bars have appeared on the on the drinking lens.

What flavour?

Flavour.

I like cocoa and I like the lemon ones and I like the raspberry and white chocolate ones.

How often do you have in a track bar?

I'd say every day.

Well, here's the thing.

So when I'm writing, which I'm writing a lot at the moment,

and I might write another book, a wrote book.

And food becomes kind of fairly perfunctory.

Do you know what I mean?

Because when you're in sort of creative flow, you sort of don't want to stop.

I don't know if you've ever

experienced that, what that feels like.

Because there's always that anxiety, isn't there, that you don't know when the muse is going to, she's going to come back and whisper in your ear again.

So me and my writing partner, we just have, we both have diet, we don't really stop for lunch, we have diet cooks and treks every single day to the point where we were sort of really embarrassingly joking the other day that if we had to, if we sort of won an award, we'd have to thank Trek Bars because it's been such a big part of our process.

Like at this point, Diet Coke and Trek Bars are just the only thing that's keeping me going.

Because I hate having to think about food.

I hate having to stop and make something.

I just like to eat the same stuff every day.

It feels really reassuring and safe.

And I can digest it well.

And, you know, it's nine grams of protein.

It keeps me, it keeps my blood sugar even.

It keeps you ripped.

It keeps me ripped.

The muscles going, yeah.

Exactly.

And

we were just saying today, because when another piece of work that we'd recently finished as a treat, we'd been working on this script for about six months and we kind of got it finished.

And we went around the Harry Potter world as a treat.

Yes.

And I went semi-ironically because

I'm not massively into it.

You're not a potterhead.

I'm not a potterhead.

I'm not embarrassed to say if I am, but I'm just not.

I sort of went half ironically.

I just thought it would be a really funny thing to do.

I don't know if you've been, but.

I've been, yes.

As you approach the building, when you're in that long queue,

the traffic cones are slowly turning into wizards' hats.

So, and it was a really cute detail.

So today, because we'd just finished another piece of work, we looked up to see see if there was a Diet Coke factory as a treat that we could go to when we finished work.

And so we're looking for one.

And I said, thinking it'd be funny, I said, oh, do you think when we're standing in the long queue, the traffic cones will slowly turn into Diet Coke cans?

And we both laugh for about 10 minutes.

After about 10 minutes, I went, hang on, what are you laughing at?

And I was laughing at the idea of...

cones turning into Diet Coke cans because it's completely wrong shape.

He was laughing at the idea there'd be a queue.

And then that made me laugh again for about another 10 minutes.

I don't know if that story translates, but I think it does.

It does, definitely.

So that was really fun today thinking, well, let's look up, let's find a Diet Coke factory.

And we were sort of imagining it'd be like the box factory in The Simpsons, like you'd cut down like a vat and you'd accidentally get boxed in with all the Diet Coke on your way out.

It was so cute.

Did you find one?

Is there a tour

for a Diet Coke factory?

I think we've got as far as working out where the nearest factory was and it's Wakefield.

But so that's that's my dream drink.

And because I don't really drink very much anymore, it's the only thing i've got left that gives me a little it's my only vice that that little aspartame buzz when you open the diet coke do you say diet coke break like that you're right in partnership i'm respectfully silent actually

but we i've been calling it dc for so long that i sort of forget sometimes when i'll say to someone else oh i'm one of those dcs please and uh you know they're like what you called taskmaster tm earlier i did didn't i yeah you ever have a dc on tm oh every time yeah i mean thankfully you can not have a Gallberg and you can still have DC.

Very

GB.

Sorry.

You don't need a GB to have DC.

On TM or otherwise?

On TM, yeah.

On TM, in the studio.

They bring you your cups in little coffee cups, don't they?

No matter what you're doing.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, do you remember that I was at my friend who is who I went to Florence with, that I had the nice pastor with, my friend Henry was sat in the audience once and he said, Because someone, like a floor manager, comes over with a sort of cardboard box that's got our drinks in and does this.

And he said it looked like they were bringing out a box of kittens and that we were all like doing this and then like we just needed a morale boost of like a little break bring me the bring me the box of kittens with you okay now i can do taskmaster tm

so funny the dc straight out the can or do you want to pour in a glass of some ice i would like to i love drinking it out the can don't like a bottle i like the can i know that supposedly it's all covered in rats piss and you shouldn't do that what people say like in warehouses and stuff that the rats crawl over the the tops of the cans, and you shouldn't drink straight from the can.

But it's got to be out of the can, it's got to be out of the can.

I love it out of the can.

I quite like you know, a bit not loads of ice, so it's been dispersed beyond you know, stretched the meniscus and above.

Um, I don't like that, but I like you know, lemon and two.

I always take out at least three ice cubes, too much ice for me.

Just gets very like watery, doesn't it?

If DC is not available, I'll have a DP, but I'm not thrilled.

Doctor Pepper, uh, diet peppers.

I think, well, DC is available in the DR, of course, it is, Yeah, in the NGB, yeah.

What did you say, DR?

DR, Dream Restaurant.

Right, right, right.

Republic of.

Where?

Sorry, should let you know.

We're technically recording in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

It's a tax thing.

But my backup drinks are, if you asked, tea.

El Grey tastes like soap to me.

I don't think I'm alone in saying that.

Tea's a difficult one to abbreviate just to its letter because the same.

Yeah, tea.

And then you may as well say A.

Yeah.

But also apple, tango, sugar-free.

I love fanta fanta sugar-free i love just all soft drinks that have a spartamy in no sugar i'm obsessed with all of them like i have sometimes hurt myself from having too many fizzy drinks yeah like it just starts to there's like a stitch almost yeah i used to have a big big problem with dc like i was too late two liters a day something like that i can

yeah but also i really associate it with creativity i don't know if you do like when i'm sitting down to write it really feels like i need like just me as is is not enough Like, I need something extra.

It's like my version of cocaine to get me going.

How do you feel about this?

This is a pet peeve I've got when going to restaurants or whatever when it comes to DC.

Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes I'll order like a pint of Diet Coke.

Right.

Because I know that I'm just going to order more.

So a pint of Diet Coke.

And they don't tell you.

Oh, we actually don't have it on tap.

So they go away and they've got those little bottles and they just pour two of the little bottles in.

It doesn't come all the way up to the top and they bring it to you and you realize that you've just been absolutely swissed.

I don't think that's ever happened to me.

Has that not happened to you before?

No,

I thought you were going to say, which I hate, is when you ask for DC and someone brings DP and they haven't said, by the way, it's not the exact thing.

Right.

Because they don't think it matters.

That can happen, sure.

Yeah, has happened.

This bottle thing has happened to me on more than one occasion now, and I've been swizzed by it.

I don't think I would notice.

But is it just that it doesn't reach the top?

Doesn't reach the top.

So as a good, as a

good distance short, it falls.

Yeah.

And then you realise they've just got those little, also, those little diet coke bottles are too small.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's drinking those that and have the DC, then nothing, I think.

Sure,

your dream dessert

done.

Am I allowed, you know, one of those sort of cake stands that has three plates?

Yeah, that kind of thing.

I reckon so.

So, if that's the case, again, because we never had sweet stuff in our house, I'm kind of, I don't really eat sugar anymore.

So, this is, this is, you know,

off hours eating but on the first plate i'm gonna have a couple of those giant red strawberries and some white chocolate buttons and then second

the sweeters yeah yeah not just giant red strawberries oh no sorry this the the sort of gelatinous the like picker mix the picker mix yeah yeah those those strawberries some white chocolate buttons

um and then the second plate a small bit of cheesecake and then the third plate the uh apple crumble my mum used to make when i was little we we had um there was an apple tree that was in the neighbour's garden, but it sort of bulged over into our garden.

So we were allowed to take those ones.

And then me and my brother used to, the really little ones that weren't ripe yet, there was a sort of game where you throw them in the air, hit them really hard with a tennis racket.

And if the landing noise was metal, it landed on the roof of the, you got the roof of the farm.

That was like 10 points.

If it was a sort of gentle duff, it probably landed in the field before the farm.

So that was the, that was the cool game we used to play with.

You were built for Taskmaster.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They would absolutely do the

house, in the Taskmaster house.

I'm a Taskmaster child.

Alex one's my dad.

So that was a really fun game.

So I've got fond memories of the apple tree.

But when we hadn't plucked them off and hit them at the farm, mum would make apple crumble with those apples and it was incredible.

And also cheesecake was the first thing I learned how to make because you don't have to cook it.

That was the joy of like, and that's it.

And you just put it in the fridge.

Yeah.

And that's it.

And if I've really grown up, that I could make this thing, which was just some digestifs slam them in philadelphia something else i haven't got elsey button sugar sugar is going in there i guess yeah yeah that sounds right and put it in the fridge that was it and i i still think it is delicious i've never had are they um called american ones the ones that have got sort of the baked ones structure yeah i don't like those i like just a normal you know

open an open one Yeah, creamy, like just super creamy.

Yeah, vanilla, I guess, goes in there.

Yeah, vanilla.

I'm trying to think if I've ever had like different flavours one.

Yeah, it wouldn't be a chocolate one, anything like that.

Just a very, quite plain, traditional one.

Again, it's the creaminess.

Yeah.

The creaminess, the tang from the cream cheese, the sweetness.

Yeah, creaminess means a lot to me.

Yeah.

It really does.

Yeah, that's a great quote.

I'm guessing the white chocolate buttons and the giant strawberries were just your favourite from the pick and mix?

Yeah, I mean, they were...

There was a point where they were definitely midnight feast food for me as well.

That would be the thing I'd get from.

There was one little shop shop in the village I grew up and the woman running it had disgusting fingers and those fingerless gloves on and you couldn't she had to get it you weren't allowed to get it yourself so these disgusting fingers would like go in and you could see it all go into the bag but it was still like delicious yeah yeah I went to the Royal Darwin Museum recently and I'm the same height as Mrs Twit

I'm quite tall.

I thought she was short.

Yeah, yeah.

There's like a little thing you go in.

It's like, you know, again, I went with the vegan.

He was the height of James's father from James to Giant Peach.

I was Mrs.

Twitter.

That's good, though.

To be the height of Mrs.

Twit is good.

It's not good.

He said, I don't want to tell.

I said, what am I?

And he said, I don't want to tell you.

And I was like, go on, how bad can it be?

The crocodile.

And that's Mrs.

Twit.

The vegan would love to be in a giant peach.

Yeah.

Yeah, to write.

We'd love that.

That was another treat we've gone on because we'd done a lot of work.

Right.

So now we all know who the vegan is.

So now everyone can now...

So calling them the alias is completely pointless because you've already said your writing partner you've already named your writing partner earlier

if i say his name yeah yeah yeah

i don't think he'd be shy no you said his name earlier said his name earlier we can cut it out and keep the mystery going yeah we can cut out whatever you can do what you want these days so bleep the vegan's name when katie said it earlier did you what was it like to win tm felt pretty good yeah and then we went on holiday the next day so it was great went straight from tm to looting at looten airport stayed in a hotel and then that's what you win people don't talk about like

you win a holiday.

Yeah, they don't.

It's funny, isn't it?

Like, people, uh, whenever I, people, like, you know, ask me about it, they always say things like, you seem like you didn't want to win.

And I think I really did, but I think I just hid it well.

I think that's good, though.

I think that's the

dignified way to go.

I took it as an insult more like I didn't look, you know, passionate enough or something.

Well, you were brilliant at it.

You clearly, I think you did want to win.

You were really good at it.

I was, I think I was quite reserved.

I don't think you're reserved.

I think with me yelling further down the line and then Badil do whatever the fuck he was up to.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like I can't comment.

I'll go read you your menu back now, see how you feel about it.

Okay.

You would like some dash water with lime, but before that, you want an amusebouche of a trek bar as soon as you get in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pop numbers of bread, you would like the Dean Street Townhouse bread, not a piece of toast.

Starter, plate of chips from Ely.

Yeah, from Ely.

I think it was called Ruby something.

Ruby chips.

Main course, spaghetti carbonara from Florence.

Side dish, a small cold lasagna.

Drink, a DC with lemon and a bit of ice.

Yeah.

Or straight out of the can?

One do you prefer?

Straight out of the can, please.

Dessert, three-tier cake stand with giant strawberries and white chocolate buttons, small piece of cheesecake, mum's apple crumble.

Oh, listen to him.

Listen to toasty.

Your menu's made him hungry.

How do you feel about that?

I feel great about that.

We're going out for dinner straight after this.

You and Toast.

Toast will love some worms, actually.

To be fair.

It is very roldile worm salad, isn't it?

Yeah.

Is that the twist?

One of them get fed worms.

I should know.

I'm the same height as

I think she feeds him worms at one point.

Katie, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you, Katie.

Thank you so much to Katie for coming on the podcast.

Do not forget her book, Delicacy, is available for purchase and a very fine book it is, too.

Yes, go out and buy that.

Thank you very much, Katie, for coming on.

She did not say a piece of toast, James.

Yes, that could have been dicey.

Yeah.

But thankfully, well, thankfully for us, she didn't pick toast.

Thank you so much for listening.

We'll see you again next week.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.