Ep 232: Stuart Laws

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the cheesecake of humor, dipping it in the batter of the internet, and frying it in the hot oil of conversation.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

We own and run a dream restaurant.

Yes.

And

I know you usually say that we run it.

Yeah.

Every week we invite in a guest.

We ask them their favourite ever start and make us dessert, side dish and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Stuart Laws.

Stuart Laws, a wonderful comedian.

He's got a special available on YouTube, produced by 800 Pound Gorilla.

And it's called All In.

Stuart Laws, when we, you know, we started Stand Up Together, I've watched him blossom into the comedian he is today.

Yeah, he also, you know, a man of many talents, produced

all of my stand-up specials.

And my one.

What?

Well, he, you know, they filmed it, Turtle Canyon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He did produce yours.

Turtle Canyon, one of the hottest production properties in UK comedy.

Yeah, that's not hyperbole.

No.

They're the go-to.

Yeah.

So we've got the Steven Spielberg of

UK comedy specials here.

Yes.

However, he eats like shit.

Huh?

He eats like shit.

Oh, yeah.

He eats like a fucking...

I mean, Ed once said on this podcast that I eat like a bin.

Stuart Laws eats like a full-on garbage disposal in the most disgusting house in the world.

Yeah.

So we'll be asking him about that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look forward to this.

But we do have a secret ingredient that if he says we're going to kick him out.

Yeah.

And this week, the secret ingredient is...

Block of blocker chalk.

Now, I don't, I've only just found out about blocker chalk, James.

Yeah.

Now, I'm using my inside knowledge of Stu.

I've known Stu for a long time and I know about Block of Chalk.

I went into his office once and he had this brick, literally the size of a brick, block of solid chocolate.

And it looks like a brick as well.

Yeah, it looks exactly like a brick.

They've designed it to look like a brick full of solid chocolate on his desk.

I asked him, what's that?

He said, that's blocker chalk.

I said, wow, where'd you get that?

Something about the internet and the block of chalk people contacted him and asked him to Instagram about the block of chalk.

They'd sent it to him.

He hadn't Instagrammed it yet.

I was like, right, let's do.

Let's do something for the graham with this with the blocker chalk and then we spent the whole day eating it and it was actually delicious so then i went to get him one for his birthday which i did which was the following week he got another block of chalk but also oh it was quite a palava getting the blocker chalk because the only way you can buy it as of the time of recording is that you have to bax the man directly and uh transfer him on your banking app the money so that he then sends you the block of chalk you know i think stu might for a joke pick

yeah this is is one of the ones where I think that he actually might do it.

Yeah.

And we might get him.

So I'm going to.

We've got to get someone, man.

I'm hungry for blood.

It'd be fun to get him.

Yeah.

So I'm saying Blocker Chock, thinking that he might, you know, it depends what

Stuart Lord shows up here today.

Yeah.

It could be.

Because he could be trolling.

Yeah.

He's a bit of a troller sometimes.

And so sometimes we could get him.

He might turn up and he might do his genuine dream menu, what he would like to eat.

But he might turn up and go, I'm going to do a joke dream menu and mess around.

And if he he does that, I think he would choose Blocker Chock for like a main course or something.

Yeah.

And then we kick him out.

Yes.

And then it will serve him right for not taking the format seriously.

Yeah.

Bad luck.

Yeah.

Well, let's see if he falls into our trap.

This is the off-menu menu of Stuart Laws.

Welcome, Stu, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you so much, Bager.

Oh, here he is.

Welcome, Stuart Laws, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Have you?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, certainly in the early days of this podcast, you had a habit of every time we put a clue for a guest, replying to the tweet saying, it sounds like Stuart Laws.

Yeah.

Can't believe I'm the guest in the dream restaurant tomorrow.

Yeah.

And I never was.

No.

No, no, good.

Until today.

And this will be the first time you don't do it, I guess.

Yeah, yeah.

Keep this one secret.

Keep this one secret because, yeah.

It's a toxic atmosphere here.

Yes.

Let's bring that up straight away.

Well, because like quite often we have guests that we don't know and that we respect and we're trying to be nice to.

And with you today, we know you so well that we've just put you on edge massively by telling you we've got a great secret ingredient and we're desperate to kick you out of this.

You're definitely going to pick it and you're going to be out on your ass pretty quickly.

Yeah, you get all of the, you get all these Hollywood people in and you're like, oh, Mr.

Rudd, would love you to stay here forever.

Yeah.

We would have done.

What a lovely man.

That would have been great.

Yeah, go.

And with me, a volley of texts telling me I'm getting kicked out straight away.

Well, because we're recording three today, you're two of three, so it would really help us if we got this wrapped up in about 10 minutes so we can have a rest.

Yeah, get you out on your mouse, get Jimmy Femora rayo in.

Yeah, my speech impediment is not good.

It's not ideal name.

R and a W close to it.

I'm absolutely fucked.

Okay, so the secret ingredient's not going to be like raw veggies.

You're right there.

Yeah, but James could do with maybe an extra hour to practice Jimmy Femoral.

I don't know.

What do you think the clue's going to to be that Benito's going to tweet out about you?

He'll be like one of the nicest people I've ever met.

Didn't deserve what happened to him in the episode.

Yeah.

But we like people to be able to guess.

So I don't think there's no point tweeting absolute bullshit.

This next guy's jacked.

The thing is, the early joke that you had about saying, oh, I can't believe I'm in the dream restaurant tomorrow has been superseded.

Now everyone just tweets, is it Mark Watson all the time?

Yeah.

But the real rub is you finally got an off menu and we're never having Mark Watson on because we love that people guess it's him every time.

Yeah, we love that people always guess it's him.

So we're going to keep it going that he never comes up.

Whereas I did a short-lived bunch of tweets, which I thought was funny and then got bored of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Didn't get bored of something, though.

Listening to the podcast.

What a wonderful podcast.

Don't you try that.

Bullshit now, Stu.

It's too late.

We've picked the secret.

I love listening to it.

Every time you two are great hosts and you're so kind to your guests and you just embrace their quirks, their foibles.

Every other guest we've had, we like it to be a relaxed experience where they just feel free to chat about the stuff they like, you know, the food that they want on their menu.

With you, I want you to feel like you're in a film about Vietnam and you're walking around desperately watching out for Viet Cong traps.

And is that what the secret ingredient is, like Vietnamese food?

Yeah, it's pho.

Yeah,

I wanted to say that, but I was unsure on the pronunciation.

I don't want to be the guy coming on a food podcast going, and is it the the pho?

Now, we know your food habits.

Yes.

Disgusting.

What?

No.

Really, really, really advanced.

Delicious.

Here's what I think the secret ingredient is going to be.

Water.

Right.

Straight away.

If only we had the guts to

like, you know, we wouldn't get away with that.

I think we'd have to say water with something in it.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

attempt to get you

yeah yeah that would be something that the listener needs to know is that stuart is I mean, if you think that I like desserts and sweets, you ain't seen nothing yet.

This is why I don't think you want me kicking.

This is my age.

You know, you know that there's no way I'm picking cheeseboard.

Yeah.

I know there's no way.

I'm going to be fascinated to see what you pick, man, because like you're the only person I know who, I mean, similar ages.

Yeah.

At our age, will eat like dominoes for lunch on a workday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then have to carry on working.

Yeah.

And do you feel fine after that?

hell.

Yeah.

Absolute hell on earth.

That's why I don't get my work done.

Yeah.

And you're an exercise enthusiast.

Yes.

So like you're exercising all the time and then undoing it.

That's the only reason I exercise is to stave off what I'm doing to my body with my diet.

And every time my

friend who is my PT, he says, do you know you just need to sort your diet out and you'll be fine?

And I'm like, yeah, but that's the key, isn't it?

Yeah, I'd have to sort my diet out.

Yeah, but then, yeah, then what do you have in your life?

Yeah, exactly.

Diet and exercise at the same time.

What's the point?

Yeah,

people do that for life.

Yeah, yeah, you can't do it for life.

But I've only bursts to that, but yeah, little bursts.

I feel great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, little bursts.

And I've sort of adjusted slightly.

I used to give myself like stabbing pains in my chest because of how much salt I ate.

Talk us through it back in those days, talk us through a normal salty day.

Yeah.

So a breakfast, packet of frazzles.

Are you serious?

I've done that, yeah.

I laughed at the joke.

James immediately knew it wasn't a joke.

Then, you know, maybe go to the cinema, have a large salt pop.

After breakfast.

Like an early, early show.

And yeah, that's the next food I'm eating that day.

Salt pop.

Probably then a dominoes of some sort.

And then end with like, oh, this is bad.

All right.

One time, my friends came around to mine when I was a teenager and my parents had gone away and they came while i was eating food and i didn't know how to cook yeah

i was just eating a bowl of salted minced beef

i cooked the minced beef yeah and then you then salted it that was the seasoning now i'm better now yeah i know you're supposed to do other things like something the liver king would do do you know the liver i don't know who the liver king is but i like the liver guy he's this big he's like a social media guy he's this big rips guy yeah and he only eats like offal he looks like a caveman the liver king yeah that was me as a teenager yeah yeah the liver hunched over

i mean yeah you you base your diet on people who are ripped like but but on their cheat days yeah yeah yeah so the the the rock's cheat day yeah that's what you eat most of the time look i'm better than that now

and i'm trying and i've tried to cut out things like biscuits and crisps things like that where you just sort of snack try and get rid of those snack things but it's still so bad

it's so bad.

But it's not like James is here pretending he's all that with his food.

You are pretending you're that all the time.

Look at you.

I'm pretending I'm all that.

You are.

The listeners know.

The listeners know who I am.

They've got the measure of me.

Yeah.

I'm not fooling anyone.

He'd never eat a bowl of salted mince bread.

No, that's fair.

And have never.

I couldn't start the day with a packet of frazzles.

My brain, I couldn't do that.

No, I couldn't do that now.

I don't really eat breakfast now.

I find that more difficult these days.

So that's why I just had breakfast just now.

Yes, saw you eating it.

1.30.

What was the pastry you were eating?

A panachocola.

A panachocola.

A pana pana.

What's it?

A panachoc?

Panachoc.

Just a little reference to your podcast.

Yeah.

Just to prove you're a fan.

Just to prove.

James one time was like, let's go out for a nice meal.

Lovely.

Took me out to spaghetti house.

What?

No, he's absolutely dumb me there on that story.

Because that's not what the story is.

When was this?

That's not what the story is.

Spaghetti is.

This better have been pre-2018.

No, listen, the story isn't let's go out for a nice meal.

No, come on.

You're a good friend.

It's been a tough old.

I'll go for a lovely slap-up meal.

We were going to see a film at the View in Westfield.

Yeah.

I said, and I may have said, let's have a nice meal beforehand.

And then looked around and was like, let's go there.

Spaghetti house spaghetti house.

I just chose spaghetti house because I'd never been there before.

Well, let's go spaghetti house.

And built it.

They looked flummoxed.

They hadn't had a customer all day.

Yeah, I've forgotten about that.

Yeah, we went to the spaghetti house.

How was spaghetti house?

I can't remember now.

Can't remember what even though it was.

It was ranking like Bella Italia, Spaghetti House, ZZ.

Hang on.

Whoa, whoa, are you going up or down?

Going up now.

I think Spaghetti House is lower than Beta Italia.

Do you think?

Spaghetti House is lowest of the low, I think.

Well, this is what I've...

It's called Spaghetti House.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what you're getting?

I couldn't believe it.

The spaghetti house is where the fourth little pig live.

Stu, you've got a special out on YouTube.

Yeah, I do.

Tell us about it.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it came out a while ago and it was my 2019 show.

So it's a long, long time

in the making.

And I cut out a routine from that that was affected by the pandemic.

But when Ed came to see it, it was a, it was a bit.

He came to see it in Edinburgh in 2019.

And it was something about in 2019, your greatest fear is not being invited on your friends' podcasts.

And then everybody in the audience just looked over at Ed.

Yeah.

But also, I'd say they looked over at me because you looked at me directly on the mail when you didn't know where.

Yeah.

You don't really know what's he looking at?

Yeah.

What's he looking at?

Who's that guy?

Also, I think when you walked on stage and saw me, you basically said hello.

Like, absolutely can't

always distracted by everything.

Just look right at me.

Oh, Ed's here.

That's most of us animate when our friends are in.

If we we walk out and we see them, we're delivering the whole show.

If not delivering the jokes to them, we're looking at them after every joke.

Yeah, yeah.

They like that bit?

Yeah.

Yeah, especially if they're comedians.

Yeah.

Or doing a joke that you know that they'll like.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And delivering it with way more gusto than you normally do, because it normally does on its ass.

Yeah.

So you're doing it boys, you know,

they'll laugh at it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what you, you know, when we did my specials and you produced them, Ed and Nish were there.

Yeah, yeah.

As many people have noticed, because that's pretty much what I'm doing for the whole show.

Deliver this with more gusto.

There we go.

go got them

now your specials are available to watch online is that correct yes you produce them yep again just this credit where it's due

credit's where it credits due you can get one uh four of them on netflix yeah let's let's let's promote yours okay mine's on youtube yeah stuit laws all in stuart laws is all in uh it's uh

i mean it's i think it's good I think it's good.

It's good.

It's a structural masterpiece.

Okay.

Great.

Yeah.

Nice.

And that has been a review quote for it.

So let's not do that bit down.

Yeah.

Who reviewed it?

Who said that?

Who said structural masterpiece?

Not the big Ed Gambo.

Yeah.

Structural masterpiece.

Yeah.

I think you said it won't be for everyone.

Last time I came to promote it.

Oh, yeah.

It won't be for everyone.

Yeah.

What else could I promote?

I've got something to promote, surely.

Oh, you want to promote other stuff?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

I guess I'm probably doing my new show at this time.

Yeah.

Yeah, so come and see that.

Stuart Laws, is that guy still going?

Right.

Again, so immerely.

What have we got to complain about for that show?

It's a show title.

No, no, you've backing yourself.

You don't want to promote Putting Zoo?

Putting Zoo, the show that I didn't do, but got nominated for an award for it.

Do you hear about that?

Yes, I did hear about this.

Do you want to explain it to the listener?

So in 2022 in Edinburgh, I was up there filming and doing, directing a bunch of shows.

And while I was there, I just thought, oh, you know what?

Why don't I just pretend that I'm doing a show and just see how sort of foolish or pathetic the industry is in sort of terms of like if you promote yourself as if you're doing really well how well people will see you as doing

so I paid for a billboard with my poster which was a really shit poster that I decided to make for a show called putting zoo which doesn't exist

and just talked it up to everyone that I saw.

Turns out I really am quite good at promoting myself when it doesn't exist.

People are like, this guy's doing great.

When you know there's nothing to back it up with yeah no stakes

and uh then the comedians choice awards came out and you can be nominated for that by other comics and so i just got a few people i was like oh do you mind putting me forward for this and then enough people did that i got shortlisted for the main best show award

and then as a final prank they were like oh yeah great you have to come and do it in london so i had to then invent a show you went and did it yeah i invented a show that i said doesn't really work because my twin lives up in Edinburgh.

And so I've had to tweak it a little bit.

And I did, you know, in The Prestige, the Transported Man.

Yeah, I know that.

Yeah, so I did a.

Yeah, I mean, I watched The Prestige.

I love the Prestige, but I also know about the Prestige because good luck ever meeting up with Stu and he doesn't mention it.

He loves it.

He loves The Prestige so much.

I use it as a structural basis for everything I do.

I did the Transported Man, but I was like, obviously, some bits in this at the start, some of the show won't work because my twin's not here.

And then just had my friend and comic Rhiannon Shaw, wearing the same clothes as me, step out from the other side of the stage to pick up the ball that I'd rolled across and then carry on doing the show as me.

I thought you were going to say that no one was there because

in the film, Christian Bale does the thing where he bounces the ball across the stage, he goes in a door and then out the other door, the other side of the stage, he walks out of it again, catches the ball.

I thought you were going to do it, that you go in the door, the ball just bounces off stage.

i rolled a golf ball yeah and rhiannon stepped out picked it up said honk honk and then did some material and then went oh actually i'm going to get changed back into the other gile and then i came back on stage yeah it's not for everyone it's not for everyone

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Fill a sparkling water, Stuart Laws.

Just still, please.

Just still.

Yep.

Thank you.

Not messing with the sparkling?

You're not not a sparkling boy?

No, I've never liked sparkling.

And it always puzzles me when people pick it.

I can't get off.

I've tried every now and then.

I'm like, you know what?

You're in your late 30s now.

It's time to be a grown-up.

Have some sparkling water.

And then I try it.

I'm like, ugh.

Do you see it as spit out?

Do you see it as grown-up water?

Yeah.

Really?

I like wine or beer.

I don't like wine or beer either.

You don't have wine or beer?

And I feel like that's what I'll grow up in and like.

Yeah.

He loves cocktails.

You started having cocktail nights?

I love cocktails.

I'll have a cocktail night every now and then.

At his house?

Made margaritas.

You didn't have them.

You had the old-fashions, didn't you?

I had a margarita early on in the night.

Yeah.

People called it lethal juice.

Yeah,

it was unacceptable.

It was perfect.

It was just

to the recipe.

Yeah, I'm sure it was.

That was your recipe that you invented.

Yeah, yeah.

This lime, and then the same amount in triple sec, and then the same, and then double that in tequila.

That's a margarita.

Is it?

Well, look, that's what it tasted like for sure.

Those ingredients that you just listed there and it was delicious yeah i mean uh i mean yeah maybe it was so delicious that it instantly made me make the wrong decision and have 10 old-fashions or whatever it was afterwards it was not it was not a good next day did you say that you reacted well to all of that alcohol and then sort of felt good the next day didn't feel good the next day and in the evening i it was definitely a you know the kind of morning after where you're having to go okay let's go back over everything i said yesterday and see if i have to apologize to everyone and the only person i was mean to was you so no apologies no apologies necessary I made fun of him because I found out that he's got uh you know people used to have those uh CD wallets yes he's still got one full absolutely full to the brim not full of CDs DVDs DVDs just showing you for it's just like book after book the CD I didn't get it out as like unless it's everyone now time to have a little look at this well it sounds like

it was a photo

and then I had to go through it and explain why I had so many seasons of family guy in there yeah uh eastbound and down just like page after page of eastbound and down.

It sounds like a really good night.

I'm sorry I couldn't come.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a shame.

Lethal margaritas and then look at Stu's DVD collection.

DVD wallet.

DVD wallet.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Alphabetical order.

P is absolutely full because Prestige has got about 50 tons.

Do you think you'll ever be grown up enough to enjoy sparkling water?

Do you see that as like the next step in your life?

That would be, I think, after the midlife crisis.

That's when you readjust everything.

Suddenly I eat really clean all the time.

yeah and i'm fully into oat milk at the moment i'm halfway house oh you what cow's milk i'll have some oat milk

i'll have some cow milk and then i'll switch between right okay at the moment it's full still maybe i'll put some cordial in with the with the sparkling yeah would that work oh yeah does that count but if you want still

but if you want if what you would prefer is the cordial well here's where i'm seeing things right i'm in this restaurant all day in my head.

Okay.

So the dream restaurant

is a town.

I'm in a town.

It's the whole town as a restaurant.

Right.

Okay.

And it's a whole day that I'm there.

So I'm waking up.

I'm having some still water.

Are you in the town square?

Start off.

Where are you waking up?

In a B ⁇ B in the town.

Okay, lovely.

I'm having some tap water, some still water.

Yeah.

I progress from tap to still.

Yes.

A bottle of still just outside the door.

Okay.

The B ⁇ B owners left it there and it's chill.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you tell us more about the B ⁇ B owner in the town?

Yeah, he probably, he used to live in my area and so he wants to talk about that loads.

He sounds so annoying.

Yeah, this is in your dreams.

Yeah, yeah.

He's an annoying BNB owner who leaves you water and waits for you to talk about your town.

Yeah.

It gives me a chance to practice interacting with people in a normal way.

Okay.

Do you need that first thing in the morning?

Because, yeah, because what I've got planned for the rest of the day, I need to be match fit for talking to people.

Talking to the Airbnb owner who's annoying.

Yeah, yeah.

And he's saying stuff like, oh, yeah, yeah, I used to go down Rice Lip Lido, stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's very popular.

It was very popular during lockdown.

And he's like, well, yeah, I heard about that, actually.

And I'm like, oh, fucking, I'm blending in.

I am blending in right now.

Blending in?

In a conversation, just you and one person?

Yeah, yeah.

He barely notices I'm there.

I'm blending in, man.

Okay.

So you don't want any cordial?

No, no cordial.

Was that the secret ingredient?

No.

Is there a reason?

Is there a reason why you've chosen to have it a whole day in the town?

Oh, partly because my starter, if I ever get to it, I don't really like starters.

So

it's a slight shift on that.

Okay.

Yeah.

So we'll find out why you're having a whole day in the town.

I don't know if you're doing this if you want.

No, don't Ackroyd it.

We can't afford to do that again.

Imagine if we tried to kick Ackroyd out.

Man, the whole thing.

Halfway through his monologue.

So tap water and then still water waiting outside.

Yeah, so I'm sort of, I've probably got a little glass by the bed that I filled up the night before.

Yeah.

Little swig of that.

That gets the system going.

Start pissing myself.

Pop nubs or bread.

Pop nubs on bread, Stuart Lord.

Pop nubs or bread.

Bread.

Yeah.

Okay, every single time.

I'm like, that's going to be

so tense about the bread share.

That's where I thought it would be.

You thought we were going to pick water or bread as the secret ingredient?

Oh, yeah.

I know it wouldn't put anything past you.

Also, I imagine now there is a possibility that the secret ingredient is so random that it would never be picked by me.

It's all psychological warfare.

Yeah, whatever way around it is, it works for us.

If you get kicked out because we put a really obvious secret ingredient in, great.

If you're constantly tense for the whole episode, great.

I'll tell you what the secret ingredient is.

I won't tell you what it is.

Right.

But it'll be like a Demon Brown trick for you.

Fuck.

It'll be something where when you get kicked out,

you'll go, how did they predict that?

Which, and then I'll respect it.

Yeah, it won't be like, oh, it'll be a trap that anyone could have fallen for.

Yeah.

Oh, it'll be just like the prisoner.

It's not a trap that just anyone could have fallen for.

Is one of you a twin?

It's also not

like something that is like famously your favourite thing.

It's something that you will be like, how did they know that I was going to pick it?

I can't believe this has happened to me.

Oh, God.

You've just got yourself now a little timid little mouse as a guest.

Not for the first time.

So I'm picking bread.

Yeah, great.

And I wouldn't have known actually whether you would have picked poppadons or bread because I know that you like crisps.

Yeah.

You start there with frazzles.

I mean, you could have had frazzles here.

Could have done.

You could have had a pin.

I had a popad on with frazzle dust on it.

Oh, man.

If you'd had me on as a teenager, that would have been it.

Yeah, that would have been weird.

It would have been weird.

It was pre-podcast time.

Yeah.

Didn't know either of you.

I get a little an email

to agent underscore laws at yahoo.com.

It'll be the little bread that you get in the rack at a bnb so is this in the bnb still yeah still there okay are you now basing your choices on the fact you're in a bnb yeah that one because

it doesn't sound like it can be anyone's actual favourite do you mean toast as well

you've painted yourself into a corner where you're spending the day in the town

and you're in a bb yeah yeah yeah and now you're having to go okay so now i'm in the town so what would i have because if i'm starting the day i have the water then my bread's got to be in the bnb still so i've got to have the bnb bread even though it's not your favorite bread and it is toast potentially the favorite right here's the alternative is that i so i go do park run quite regularly it's a 5k run 9 a.m on saturday yes the toast they have at the rickmansworth aquadrome cafe it's just a delicious sourdough yeah delicious butter that's why i run it i'm getting there i'm having that every single time with either marmalade or with but what will i do i'll leave a little like quarter of each one with no marmalade on just so I can enjoy it with the butter

right and then I'm into the marmalade or to the the raspberry jam

it's perfectly possible that in the BB that you've invented in your mind yeah what they're putting in the rack is the Rittenwoods worth

aquadrome cafe cafe toast yeah that you have after or before you do park I'd love that but there's also something incredibly evocative about that sort of like whole meal half slice that's slightly soggy well you can get

the joy about that is when you're in a hotel or a BNB, they say do you want white or brown bread?

I'm always back with mixed.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You can have a mixed rack.

You can have the Aquadrome white

and then the BNB wholemeal.

I actually go with

the seeded sourdough, which is slightly wholemealy.

Okay.

Yeah.

So not to pick you up on that at all in any way.

It's fine.

It's your dream, BB.

Thank you.

This is a new podcast.

It's the rack.

It's toast, but it's sourdough toast.

But it's not the Mickmansworth Aquadrome Cafe toast that you have.

Yeah, is that the secret ingredient?

No.

No.

Although that would be very damn bad if we knew that.

Yeah.

Hand you an envelope and it says Mickmansworth Aquadrome Cafe Toast.

Just checking under my chair for an envelope.

And is the owner of the BB talking to you throughout all of this?

No, they've left me.

I've put my earpods in,

so they might still be there.

Okay, but I'm listening to case files because i'm in town to solve a case what what's the case is if someone's disappeared one of you has disappeared and i'm there to say

no

well who james has james has disappeared

in the town yeah so what town is it it's up in north oregon i was never there anyway no you were

no you were

you were james you need to work on your improv man yeah just on stage i'm not there no you are i'm not there i've never been there that's what i'm missing

never

that's where you've been tracked to anyway yeah so i'm there to solve the case and ed's ed can't do it because he's uh doing great british menu or something and it's like can't so i'm not there at all yeah you're in the gravy train yeah okay so your dream meal is spending the day in a town where i've gone missing

i love this idea you've got to solve it yeah so

This isn't going to be a meal as such so much as a day of eating while you try and solve a missing person's case.

Yeah, but it will fit your format yeah perfectly it kind of

unless i unless it get all

i quite i like the solving the case thing yeah oh yeah you're not the one who's one missing yeah will you be the one who's you do you know you've the only evidence we have at the moment is dna evidence of where you've been what sort of dna come

i'll do it before you said it

yeah why did the guy ask where'd you find it you don't want to know where it is but some of it's on the ceiling some of it's on the ceiling yeah that's yeah that's mainly where it ends up.

Yeah.

Like a rocket.

So, yeah, you've had this toast.

You fueled yourself for the day's investigations.

Yep, done a quick 5k to get myself ready.

Yeah.

And now it's out.

I'm on the beat.

And now your starter.

I was on the beat.

That's how they found Mark.

Your starter is cherry pie with black coffee.

Now.

This we could have predicted.

Were the earliest sweet entries?

Oh, no.

I respect it.

I respect it.

But that's a dessert.

That's a dessert as a starter.

Yeah.

But when am I having it?

About 11-ish.

Yeah, but then it's not a starter, is it?

No, but he's having.

It's just started to my day.

Yeah, because he's having a meal throughout the day, is what he's done.

So this is why he's done the whole thing revolves around this one choice.

The whole setup of it's an entire day and I'm in a town and someone's gone missing.

None of that would exist if he didn't want cherry pie as his starter.

That's 100% true.

And where are you getting the cherry pie and black coffee?

From the diner.

Yeah, but

isn't there a real place first of all that we can beam it in from like we did with the Mickmansworth Aqua Drive Cafe?

There's not a real place anytime I'm in America I will go to a diner and have cherry pie.

I tried to go to that one the place where Michael McKean recommended in Oregon and I started driving it's like it was like an hour and a half drive south of where I was staying.

And I was like, I'll do that.

There's some nice sights on the way.

I've got nothing to do.

started driving and then went I should actually check that it's open closed that day yeah yeah yeah just random Tuesday closed and you do a lot of holidays by yourself in America what you're trying to say nothing just try to get this to the truth just try to open up more about your life to the listener yeah i love going on holiday by myself to america specifically specifically yeah uh i'll do it i'll do it anywhere but america specifically because it's got that sort of like romantic sort of vibe to it right i like going to small town america i love crumbling americana I love all of that stuff.

Yeah.

So you're in the local diner of this town.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's just like a standard American diner.

Yeah, pulling up outside, kicking the door closed, looking back at it.

Fuck, rental company's going to be annoyed at that and put a hole in it.

Yeah.

There's a policeman sat in there as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Smoking inside.

That's nice as well.

We want that.

There's smoking inside, but only by police officers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And there's a woman.

She's about 80, 85 behind.

And she's like, hey, how you doing there, partner?

What?

Where's she from?

She's from Australia.

Even I.

Yeah.

So Shrek's in there.

You wish.

What am I getting you?

Black coffee?

Cherry pie?

And I'm like...

So have you been there before?

Yes.

Okay.

Because otherwise she's got your order exactly right.

Yeah, yeah.

The prestige.

They're really well done.

I've not seen the prestige.

Yeah, it's what happens.

The shit is really good.

That's what happens.

One of them gets us a cherry pie.

And then the other one goes crazy trying to figure out how they did it.

So is is it like a big slice of cherry pie?

It's uh it's a sixth of the pie.

That's a good size.

That's a good size.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's a good size.

Warm?

Warm.

Yeah.

Ice cream?

No, just because this time you know, you got the black coffee, you you're not having any dairy involved with it.

Yeah, yeah.

Cherry pie, black coffee, no dairy.

What's the pastry like?

It's um yeah, it is quite flaky actually now.

You asked James.

Yeah, there's a flake to it, which is nice, but there's a couple of bits where it's very well done.

Uh-huh.

Right on the rim.

Yeah.

The rim of the pie.

Yeah.

It's quite well done.

You would have to push down on it with your spoon on the plate, and then it would snap, and maybe a bit would ping off and hit the policeman or something.

Yeah, and it immediately pulled his weapon.

Yeah, yeah, he shot it out the air.

And that classic cherry pie filling.

Do you want to see bits?

I want visible cherries.

You want visible cherries?

You don't want it just to be.

I rarely have a cherry pie, you know, but it is delicious.

It's great.

And the problem is, when you are a single person who lives alone most of the time, cherry pies over here, they're only sold in big pies.

Of course.

So what am I supposed to do?

Go crazy.

Like, that's a problem for you.

Well, let's all pretend to.

Have a three-day cherry pie first.

Yeah, definitely.

I'm still, obviously I'm annoyed when people waste the opportunity of a starter to.

What would you have in this small town?

But it's not my dream to be in the small town.

Bacon and waffles.

What you've done is you've given yourself a day's work to do.

Yeah, well, I want to save my friend.

He's gone missing.

Yeah, but then I'd find him first and then have a big slap up meal.

How are you finding?

Well, I don't know because I don't know any of the clues yet.

I've got my cherry pie.

There's all the cum all over the ceiling, obviously, but I don't know that's going to help.

Well, I don't know.

I'm going to follow a trail of cum like he's a big snail.

Maybe I'd like to write a message in it.

Get the blue light on or whatever.

Well, yeah, I'm about to go through the photos.

I've got the case.

They're in that like brown folder.

Yeah.

So you've got, so you've got your pie, you've got the pictures of your friend's cum, and you're just like leafing through.

Yeah, and then

the case we have to do.

I had a guest on who said, I'd like to be looking at pictures of my cum

chewing the thing.

Maybe that's why I don't want any cream or ice cream in the cherry pie.

It's putting me in the wrong mindset.

My God.

Can't be if I'm letting this go as easy as I am, actually.

So

cherry pie, black coffee.

Yes.

You're in the diner.

Yeah.

Then a bit of investigation.

Bit of investigation.

So I've got the dictaphone, obviously.

Yeah.

I'm playing back some recordings that I've done.

I just did a couple of brief interviews the night before.

Yeah.

I was in.

Who'd you interview?

Well, the town mayor just happened to be in the bar I was in.

So I just interviewed them just to get an idea of the town.

The mayor?

Yeah, yeah.

What's the mayor's name?

Billy Grunson.

Yeah, Grunson.

Lived there since he was a kid.

Yeah.

Mayor since he was a kid as well.

How old is he now?

He's 19 now.

19 now.

He couldn't drink.

I bought him a drink and he was like, can't have that.

Yeah.

And the mayor can't be seen to have that.

Yeah.

He's in the bar.

Yeah, yeah.

He's in the bar.

He's in.

Yeah, big chains.

Had a little chat with him.

And then, of course, the high school football star.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

What's his name?

She is called because they've got

a female team now over there.

They're trying to do their bit for equality over there.

Her name is Shirley.

Shirley Grunson.

What?

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, Shirley Grunson.

Is she related to Billy Grunson?

Yes.

How?

Mother.

Shirley Grunson, the high school football star is a 19-year-old's mother.

Because the star is actually the coach.

So everyone really admires the coach.

The coach has got, she's come in because she used to coach NFL.

Yeah.

And she's come in and she said, I can turn this town around.

And so now both of the teams, the men's and the women's teams, are going to go into, they're being drafted into the NFL the next year.

College hall teams.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But as the whole team.

And what does Shirley Grunson have to say for herself?

So far I'm suspecting the Grunsons.

Shirley says, look, there was a truck that came through town the night before

with like a dangerous load on it.

Hang on, what?

Was it all his?

Yeah, well that everybody do that joke at their head.

Basically, it's here.

I don't call it the truck.

There's a couple of military towns based around the area.

So like there was some stuff going through potentially to these military bases.

Okay.

And some stuff fell off.

Okay.

So, we don't know what that is because Shirley noticed that.

If we put a pin in it and ask you what your main course is, I should have put a pin in it, then it wouldn't have gone off all over the ceiling.

What's your main course?

Whereabouts in the town are you eating it, and which Gruntson do you meet during this?

You really should have come up with a storyline before you got here.

Now, you've got the armed forces involved yeah you gotta you gotta i did come up with it yeah okay so the casino is trying to be built in the town yeah and the armed forces are involved in some way and the grunsons the coach and the mayor

her son the mayor her son the mayor

you know they're they're coach in a way he's coaching the town to be better townsfolk yeah so they're yeah coaches by nature so yeah this is taking place now this is like 5 p.m So I spent the day out on the beat.

Yeah, so you've not had a lot so far.

Yeah, yeah.

So as I said, I'm slow to get going.

Slow to get going.

I have a late breakfast slash brunch.

Yeah.

And then I'm out on the beat.

So I've had water and bread, cherry pie and coffee.

So now I'm finding the Indian restaurant.

I would say that small town America is not necessarily famous for its Indian food.

Yeah, it's weird that this place has got a really good one.

You've got one from back home that's been transported.

Yes, it does.

Yeah, yeah.

What particular restaurant is it?

Okay, so there's one that's in the old town in Amersham where I used to live, which was great called Raj Gate, delicious.

Used to always order in from there.

I think it's got to be

the one in Joe's Cross called Malik's is just great.

Yeah.

It's top end.

It's your paper.

Absolutely delicious.

Do you want that in the town?

Yeah, let's get that over there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are you ordering from it?

Well, this is where I'm now gauging whether or not I go in there and order a completely different meal to an Indian meal because that might be the secret ingredient.

Trying to get faces.

You can't get Maliks over.

And then make them do like a Chorizo broccoli pasta.

Men do dominoes.

That'd be the dream.

I'd have a Lamb Madras.

Lamb Madras from Malik's.

That's the standard go-to for me.

Any Indian restaurant I go to, that's what I'm having if I can.

Did you decide that very early on?

Because you had one Lamb Madras you liked.

Or did you go on a tour around the menu and work out what you liked?

What I did, I think, is I hit on that very early on and then occasionally I'll take a little detour, a little detour, have a little look, what's happening around,

and then always come come back to the lamb address.

So, what were the other ones you tried and did?

Carolyn Lamb, Everest Lamb,

all the biryanis, the

tikka masala's too sweet, isn't it?

And that's hey, sure.

I'm saying too sweet.

That's me, Sam.

You've had cherry pie for your starter.

And now I'm going in there.

What I'm having with it, pop a dumbs, obviously.

Yeah, that's coming in with it.

Yeah.

All of the accoutrements, onion barges.

We're just having that as a full meal because it's always good.

Rice?

Yeah, rice is going in.

What kind of rice?

Is that trick?

I'm just asking you what kind of rice just relax man just the nice rice just nice rice nice rice yeah nice rice what does that mean just nice rice but do you want like mushroom rice or

pilar rice um whatever comes well james yeah

probably not mushroom rice yeah don't like mushrooms special rice what's the special rice also has peas in it maybe some if you're offering that to me i'll have that yeah

this suspicion thing fuck it kills the flow because you're genuinely worried yeah yeah

we've never had an episode where someone's so on edge no it's nice different energy peas chuck some peas in there

no trying to stay off the old seafood as much as possible for the good of the land because if they get too comfortable they'll come on land

yeah yeah but surely you should eat more of them so then there's less of an army to eat i want them to not blame me at any point if they come on land i don't want them to look at me and be like i see where this guy's been at so it's not for the good of of the land.

It's for the good of me.

It's for the good of the stew.

Yeah.

And for the planet.

Let's respect nature.

Sure.

Am I eating beef all the time?

Yes.

I love beef.

Beef is delicious.

But you're famous.

You're not going to have kids.

Yes.

So

yeah, I've ticked that box.

So let's respect nature.

Lamb Madras.

Lamadras.

Kill a nice little lamb.

Sometimes you go into an Indian restaurant, you can tell that the sauces come from like a tin or something like that.

Sort of thinner, runnier sort of thing.

You want the proper, they've made the sauce in-house, lovely stuff, chunky, just that level of heat where you're just like, oh, okay, some sweat starts to come out.

Yeah, but it's not too, it's not like you're having to take breaks.

Who have you been to Malix with?

I go to Malik's with, there's a group of people I'm friends with who we do a lot of running.

But we will occasionally go for a curry together, a little celebration.

We went to one in High Wickham where a few of us were there and the table next to us was basically it looked like two men who almost definitely voted to leave the EU that sort of vibe they'd been out drinking all day

um late 50s and then their wives as well who didn't seem like they were allowed to talk and the lads were they were just on it shouting everything like that but there was an uneasy atmosphere there and they sat down and the plates were put out for them and I was just looking over and one of them bald head just sort of looked like he was like vibrating a little bit.

Yeah, pulsing just like just like that.

And the plate got put out in front of him and he just immediately vomited five pints of lager on it.

Oh my god.

And it just hit the plate and the plate acted as like a reflection sort of

and it just burst out all over the two women opposite and sort of almost hit our table as well.

We were so close.

And his friend immediately stood up and just announced to the entire restaurant, my friend has taken ill.

His night is over.

Like he was trying to be as formal as possible.

And then he looked over at our table and he went, your night is over too.

Was he right?

We got moved to another table.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, for a little while, we thought, yeah, maybe our night is over.

And I just love that confidence of being like, we fucked up badly.

We're going to just end everybody else's night.

Do you want them there at this?

Yeah, I'd like them there, but it's happening in the background because they kept then they were taken out and then they kept coming in to sort of apologize and to try and clean up.

And yeah, there was a lot of back and forth.

I'd love that sort of hubbub happening.

Yeah, because I think going out for a curry is always a pretty good social occasion.

My football team would always do end-of-season do's at a curry house in Beaconsfield,

Christian football team.

Shout out to Gold Hill FC.

And it's always a good vibe.

She was an atheist.

non-religious on a Christian football team, played for 21 years.

You're a ringer, you're an atheist ringer.

I was a manager for a while, but I couldn't make it official.

I don't think they think you're the manager.

I think there's another big guy for them.

Yeah, big shout out to the big guy, yeah, Paul

who's in charge of it all.

Shelly Granson.

Are you questioning anyone in the restaurant?

Yeah, just having your whole time.

Guess who's prime suspects?

The guys who did the

90 driver.

Yeah, so what are their their names barry and uh terry grandson

no barry and terry slough barry and terry slough their brothers brothers married their brothers yeah yeah married to sisters yeah who are called

shirley oh shirley again there we go

shirley and um and barbara shirley and barbara yeah what are their name what's their reading yeah

Shirley and Barbara Redding.

Barry and Terry Slough.

Slough and Redding.

Yeah,

it was a match made in the stars.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And what did they say when you questioned them?

They said that they'd seen someone the night before interacting with some of the

equipment that had fallen off the lorries and that they'd scurried away like a little like a raccoon, like carrying, you know, when raccoons scurry off and they've got something in their front,

they're running on the back legs.

Yeah.

That was that.

But it was a human.

So they should have been able to do that anyway.

So into Stewart's YouTube history then.

So to boil it down, someone took something.

Yeah, someone took something and ran into the new build, which is the casino.

It's not finished yet.

Yeah.

Okay.

So I've got a side drink to the main.

Oh, yeah.

It's a ice-cold Pepsi in a glass bottle.

And the one I'm thinking of is from a petrol station in a Ugandan village

near

Lake Victoria.

Is it Lake Victoria?

Let's hope so.

So I was there doing some work and it was extremely hot.

We were going, I think we were going out onto the lake to do some filming or something.

And I was like, I need to go and get something to drink, pop into this little petrol station, tiny little place.

And the fridge was the coldest fridge I've ever experienced.

Couldn't believe it.

Couldn't believe it.

It was a freezer.

It didn't cross the root to the tipping point, no.

Yeah.

It was probably 0.7 degrees.

And also as well, like the Pepsi that's not from.

the UK always tastes better.

I don't know what the ingredients are.

This is a massive coincidence.

So we've just like, we're doing three podcasts today.

You're the second one.

First one, we had Tahib Jamai on it of Ted Leso fame.

He chose as his dream drink a glass bottle of Fanta from Nigeria and he said it tastes different.

It's better when it's in the glass bottle.

Agreed.

Maybe it's the same.

Maybe African Pepsi is different.

Like Benito's now having to Google that, even though earlier he had to Google Nigerian Fanta and now he's googling Ugandan Pepsi.

And also the amount of time between the two of them, about two hours,

is quite weird on his

bit weird on his searches.

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Dreamside-ish.

Okay, so this is taking place now nine o'clock-ish.

In the evening?

Yeah.

So I've done some more investigating.

I found out that most likely you are hidden there somewhere in the basement of the casino.

Okay.

Yeah.

And it's because you naturally object to gambling.

Yeah, sure.

I'm anti-gamble, as Ed knows.

That's where you've ended up, right?

So I need to get there, but obviously I'm hungry because I've only had a curry

three hours early.

So it's time to get on my evening meal.

This is where I'm coming alive, right?

The brain is alive.

It's the evening meal.

It's the evening meal.

Just getting it all straight in my head.

As well as the case and all of that.

Oh, by the way,

I feel like we should have like

a palate cleanser in between.

Okay.

Like a Kendall mint cake or something like that.

Yeah.

Just in between each of the cleaners.

Yeah, of course.

Because it's the happiest, sweetest thing available.

What kind of Kendall mint cake are you having?

Just the pure, just the...

Just the one.

Just the mint, yeah.

Jesus, man.

But it's a palate cleanser.

It's not to keep me going.

It's not a palate cleanser.

It's not cleansing anything.

What do you mean?

Okay, all right.

The sweetest mint in the world.

A block of mint and glucose.

Okay, an amuse.

Let's have an amuse bouche in between then.

Well, no, because you've already amused your fucking booche.

Yeah, that doesn't go there.

Your bouche got amused like hours ago when you had toast and then cherry pie and then a full curry.

And then you're saying you can have a Kendall mint cake before your side dish.

Okay, can you have a Kendall?

If you want a Kendall mint cake,

that's a palate candle cake.

You're walking around the town all day.

You're on the beach.

You know, you need the energy.

I need the energy.

Am I allowed to snack as well on this in this restaurant?

It's not a restaurant.

It's a whole town.

It's a whole town that you're solving.

So I'm having a snack.

Having like a...

No, I'm not going to say it actually, because I think that might be the...

What?

No, I'm not going to that one.

What are you snacking on?

No, I'm just

having some chocolate just during the day.

Well, just say what it is.

Just having a Freddo.

Oh, yeah.

With some marshmallows.

What?

So you've got those in your pocket?

Yeah, the Freddo's the bread and the marshmallows is the filling.

What, you've got two Freddo's and some marshmallows in between?

Yeah, yeah.

Are you melting that?

Yeah, so we melt it a little bit.

Where are you melting it in the town?

Well, on the town bonfire.

Yeah.

I don't like this town.

It's not stopped burning for 15 years.

Is it a tyre

it's uh it's previous buildings that they don't need anymore okay they set fire as industries disappear and are not needed so there was the big mp3 player factory yeah god it's like a bruce springsteen song yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah so there's loads of musicians that are singing about their dads working at the mp3 factory

making mp3s

I think for my side, my evening meal, supper,

I think it's closed now, the Ginger Man in Boston.

boston they had buttermilk chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles and then like a roasted brussels with a balsamic reduction and bacon so that's

what dish that's one

yes

i'll let them have that yeah of course you would you're the ginger man

but case case closed

yeah chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles that's it more and more in my life now all i want my food to do is just tear my mouth apart Yes, yeah, yeah.

And then the next day, tear.

Yeah, oh, dear.

The other side apart.

Yeah.

Dick.

I want my food to tear my dick apart.

Having a piss the next morning.

Oh, fucking, I had a curry arsenal.

Oh, Christ.

Jesus Christ, the pickles coming out of it.

I've really got into just having a big jar of pickles at home lately.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you?

Yeah.

Just started, started doing it.

My dad was obsessed with pickles as a kid.

It sort of put me off them a little bit.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You'll love this.

I worked with someone recently who's so obsessed with picklebacks that if she goes into a pub with her friends and

they don't have the pickle juice to do picklebacks, she'll go to a supermarket and buy a jar of pickles so she can use the brine.

And someone texted her and said, you've been in this pub recently.

And she was like, yeah, how do you know?

She went, I've just found half a jar of pickles in the toilet.

That's why the backs of toilets are often covered so you can't put your pickles down.

That's a deleted scene from Godfather as well.

Picklebacks he goes in.

They got it taped to the back of the scissor.

Don't worry.

Are you just dunking in your fork trying to spear one?

If I'm eating something already and I've got a fork handy, but otherwise, I'll just put my fingers in.

Really?

Put that.

Yeah, no one else is eating those pickles in the house.

I'm the only one who's into pickles.

Probably with pickles.

Yeah.

Is he on the case as well?

Yeah, yeah, he's like with pickles.

Yeah.

He actually didn't get accepted by the army, so he's staying nearby and he keeps doing the tests to get in,

but he can't get in.

He can't get in.

It's a shame.

For Halloween, would you do that big bowl of pickle brain and then pickles in it and then dunking in to try and get a pickle?

Well, that's a complicated question.

It's a yes, no.

It's a yes no.

Well, if I walked into a Halloween party and that was already set up,

but you're not setting up.

I'm not doing that.

No.

I'm not.

I don't want to do it enough that I'm going to do it.

Because it's a statement.

If people turn up at yours and you've set it up, they're like, fuck it.

Well, you're not having anyone over for a start.

No,

I don't wouldn't want to.

But like, if someone was like, yeah, you got to do this.

Yeah.

Forget it.

But if I walked in and it was just there and people were like, we're all doing this.

Do you want to bob for pickles?

Before they even look back at you, your head's fully submerged.

Yeah, I'm all in.

And I'm definitely getting one.

Yeah.

I'm definitely going to get one.

I'm not going to not get a pickle.

Yeah.

It would have have to be different size pickles as well to make it harder for some people, those little tiny ones, cornichons, cornichons,

corn chans, yeah, yeah, those big ones you get in um petrol stations where you get one pickle in the packet, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I bought a couple of them for my sister's birthday the other day, she loves them.

Don't understand one of them is called a sour cis.

I don't know why you're both looking at me like this.

Did you buy her anything else?

Yeah, I got her tickets to Groundhog Day.

No one's ever bought that present.

Tickets to Groundhog Day and two big pickles.

What about, and there's pickled eggs in there as well?

What?

In the big pool, in the bobbing pool.

In the bobbing pool.

I've never really had a pickled egg, actually.

Really?

I don't think I've had a pickled egg yet.

So I think I would do it just because that'd be a bit of a fun element.

You know, don't know if I'm going to get a pickled egg for the first time while I'm blindfolded while I'm bobbing for pickles.

What's the worst thing that you could bite into that's been pickled in there?

Finger.

Little pickled finger?

Yeah, I guess like if someone's pickled a person.

Okay, let's stick to

vegetables.

Yeah.

I'm not a massive fan of umeboshi, which is the sour pickled plums in Japan.

Not a big fan of those.

It's almost too much flavor for me.

So it's sweet and salty.

Yeah, sweet and sour and very salty.

You'd like it.

Yeah, you could be up for that.

I don't think I've ever had anything pickled that I don't like.

Yeah.

I've been lucky and blessed.

Yeah, you are, actually.

Apart from in this town.

How many sliders?

And is it like on

three sliders on a bed of roasted Brussels from the ginger man?

Yeah, yeah.

I love balsamic reduction.

Big fan of that.

When I discovered that was a thing,

couldn't believe it.

So I got a little one of those, well,

I identify as a man, so I've got a skillet.

That's what we have.

That's how we identify ourselves.

I love chucking the onions.

I still don't know where each sentence is going.

I love frying up the onions on that, chucking on the balsamic.

Yeah.

It's the best.

Why did no one tell me about that?

And then you reduce it on there.

Yeah, yeah.

And what's the thing about the balsamic reduction?

It's more like, is it sweeter?

It's sweeter.

Yeah, yeah.

It's just like the saving syrup on something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's got a bit of tang as well, a tiny bit of tang.

It's mainly just quite sweet.

Yeah, it's really sweet.

And what's the drink with that?

Uh-huh.

A bottle of Prosecco.

A bottle of Prosecco.

Yeah.

How are you doing any investigating this?

Are you celebrating?

Curry.

I'm absolutely fucked.

Curry, I'm done.

Curry is the end of the night.

I've never had a curry for lunch.

I've gone for a run after the curry.

You've gone for a run after it.

So you've already done a 5k.

You've been sick, I imagine.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I've done a heart rate run where you run really slow, keep your heart rate low just to sort of process it all.

And also, I need to investigate some stuff on the outskirts of town.

Does it make you ill?

Yeah.

So is that...

Yeah, I've been puking the entire time.

Is Barry behind you on the run going, my friend has been taken ill.

His night is over.

It's not.

I'm not on the side dish yet.

And then my drink, the bottle of Prosecco, has got its own side.

Is that okay?

Hang on.

So your side dish, which is, by the way, two side dishes, Well, no, it's on the dish.

It's got a drink.

It's got a drink.

Which is a whole bottle of drink.

Which is a whole bottle of Prosecco.

And then you're saying the drink also has a side.

Yes, the drink has a side.

So what is it?

Shambourd.

Shambourd.

Yeah.

The raspberry liqueur.

Raspberry liqueur.

But are you mixing that with the Prosecco?

Yes, I am.

Thank you.

Okay, well, that's fine.

So we can, that's one drink.

So you can put a little bit of that in the bottom of the glass.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah.

So really got into that when I went to an everyman cinema for the first time.

I wouldn't do that all the time.

Don't like

cinema-based.

cinema i mean that should be surprising we went during the day i just moved into my flat and my friend matt had helped me move in and then as part of that we're going to go and watch hell or high water which was like two o'clock in the afternoon go and watch that no one's there

chris pine yeah great film really good then at the beginning they you know they come out and do the announcement like oh thank you for being here we're going to play this film uh who here and the fancy ones they've been it looks confused the fancy ones here that they send out some poor bastard yeah yeah shaking i hate it.

It makes me feel anxious for them.

I'm like, I just want to watch the film.

They were at the IMAX last night.

Oh, yeah, they do it at the IMAX.

Yeah, they do it at the IMAX.

Yeah, yeah.

Britain's biggest screen.

And is it worse if they love doing it or worse if they hate doing it?

Worse if they love doing it.

Yeah.

Because I completely understand the people who hate doing it.

Yeah.

When they love doing it and they're trying to do like five minutes.

Yeah.

They came out and they said, by the way, we're celebrating Shamboard Monday.

Who'd like a cocktail?

So I celebrate Shamboard Monday every Monday now.

Do you?

As much as I can.

Obviously, I feel bad when I don't get to celebrate.

Yeah.

And that is basically the cocktail they were offering was just Prosecco with Shambull.

Is it free?

Yeah, yeah.

Because it was Shambled Monday.

Yeah, and because Matt was driving, he was like, you can have mine.

So big shout out to Matt, the man who eats so much chocolate that he gives himself an enormous migraine.

On the last day at university, all his friends had to be led in one by one to his darkened room because he'd eaten so much chocolate.

He'd given himself a migraine that was making him want to die.

And they had to all say goodbye one by one like he was a godfather.

Matt, of course, is who we when Ed and I were on the run, we tried to get him to help us because it turned out that he knew knew one of the hunters We tried to get Matt to give us the hunter's phone number and he was very responsible and wouldn't do it Even though we kept bringing him up to ask and calling him a pork grind bastard

Now we know we could have just bribed him with a toe blow or something.

Yeah, well that's what happened when we got caught and the hunters were chasing us and when they were chasing me at one point I said we know Matt and it was the only time I saw him the front of a break character and looked confused.

What?

And then when he caught me like how do you know Matt?

I eventually told him to know him through you and then he was like that guy needs so much chocolate.

And I was like, yeah, that's the main thing I know.

It's the main thing I know about him.

How much chocolate is he eating?

Literally, you cannot leave any chocolate around.

Like, I've had like a bar of chocolate, sat around his, and I've looked away for a couple of seconds.

He's eaten it all.

It doesn't matter.

He will just go through it.

He is like a dog in that he has no off switch for that.

Yeah.

And so he will just sometimes be like, I can't do anything because I've eaten too much chocolate.

You know how you talk about you can't open it you can't have like start a terry's chocolate a tony's chocolate chocolate yeah because you'll just finish the whole thing and it's mainly just for chocolate only yeah that's any chocolate thing for matt is that if he starts it he's absolutely screwed oh it's a crushing disability

like a tobacco from an airport

they're gone yeah if you go to uh

self-ridges you can personalize one have your name put on the packet oh it's pretty good yeah i mean probably not your only name is it so it's cheap feels yeah cheap but also it doesn't really look good on the packet there's a lot of blank space ed laureone ed laone yeah that's good i could put ed laone

well he's actually the name of the uh local police chief

possibly in the town

toby laone no it's it's ed la toby laone very clearly ed laone

Now we're going on to your dream drink.

Yes.

So it's not that it's an old-fashioned.

Okay.

And that's I'm celebrating by this point you're celebrating that's i'm in the hotel

i found you right good news for me i found you do you know who was the guy who stole you who ed laureone ed laone yeah police chief the police chief okay

just be the police yeah yeah

because um billy grunson was obviously the big the mayor the mayor the mayor

yeah to remind us of billy grunson isn't no billy grunson yeah was the big suspect because billy grunson's seen all your specials so he was seen as but actually billy was delighted you were in town and was hoping to come and see you do a show, but you were like,

I'm not doing a show here.

No way.

I hate doing stand-up.

You kept screaming, I hate doing stand-up.

It was weird, unprompted, which is what drew a lot of attention to you.

And that's when Ed Lerone, who's trying to get promoted up to head of the army

from police chief, chief of the police.

That's the way it goes.

Thought, if I can get you to put a gig on, then Billy Grunson will promote me.

Okay.

So the mayor is in charge of promoting the chief of police to the head of the army.

Yeah.

How did he get me?

How did Ed Marone get me?

Well, you were wanking.

And so you were.

You were wanking.

Yeah, well, I was wondering how that factored into it.

Yeah.

So you were feeling at your weakest.

So I said, what in the I was in the BNB wanking?

Yes, but a different BB.

Okay.

Yeah.

And what I've finished.

BNB stands for bashing the bishop.

Bashing and bishop.

So what I've done.

Bashing A Bishop.

I've done it.

Bashing and Bishop.

I've collapsed back onto the bed in ecstasy.

Hang on.

You collapse back onto the bed.

Well, I've been sitting up in the bed on the bed.

You've been stood staring into the mirror.

You're stood up.

You're stood up.

Then I'm sitting on the bed.

You're sitting on the bed.

I'm sitting on the bed.

Okay.

Sitting, not shitting.

You didn't say shitting.

You're just sitting.

It seems so formal.

I can't see myself in the mirror if I'm lying down.

Very, very formal.

sitting on the edge of the bed.

Not the

bolt upright.

If I'm lying down, I can't see myself in the middle what are you doing with that little bit at the end of the bed that's for the for your shoes to go on when you lie on the bed i put my shoes on

so you collapse back onto the bed in ecstasy yeah and then eddie limon bursts

does he yeah so has he been waiting so he's grabbed that shoe protector thing yeah he's wrapped that around your face straight away yeah and then he's hit you around the head with your own shoe like i just did with the microphone yeah at which point i came a second time

And that hit the ceiling.

Because now your angles are all up.

Because you collapse back onto the bed.

Yeah.

I've already got the mirror.

Now I've got the ceiling.

So is Ed Lerone waiting?

He's listening outside, waiting for James to be at his weakest.

Yeah, yeah.

Ed Lerone has just become like a normal name now.

So that's what Ed Lerone's called me.

Yeah, because obviously Ed Lerone's got the skeleton key for the whole town.

Yeah, of course.

He's got straight in, so he can get in any door.

Yeah, yeah.

That means he could get into the casino.

Eddie's casino.

Eddie's casino.

Yeah.

Eddie's gambling casino.

Yeah.

They just love British comedians over there.

Yeah.

They absolutely love it.

There's a Goldsmith's down the road.

And other places.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll record some later.

You can drop it in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Then we discovered you down there strapped up to the roulette table.

And the wheel constantly going around and Eddie Larone saying,

if it hits 36,

I'm killing him.

And I said, You're not killing him.

And then we'd saved you.

And then celebrate, we're going to the big hotel in the middle of town by the bonfire.

I'm having an old-fashioned lovely.

Am I having one or am I?

Yeah, you're having one of those.

I imagine you have to go for a shower first.

Yeah,

and then obviously stuck a bag over your head and then just dragged you straight to the casino.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so you're having a quick shower, but obviously, you know, nature takes its course.

Have a celebratory went, doesn't it?

And you come down.

as soon as I relax,

Glunts and Storms in,

hang over my head,

takes me to the mayor's offices.

You've not learned your lenson, have you?

Yeah.

And yeah, you come down.

It's got the massive ice cube in it.

Massive ice cube.

I love a massive ice cube.

Really good.

With a stamp in the top.

Have you seen that?

The bar all put like a they stamp their ice.

I love that.

Put a little logo in the top.

The last time I had, which was a mass, massive one, was in a very fancy hotel in Seattle.

Asked you to fly fly home, but the flight got cancelled.

And then you get like 500 quid allowance if it's 24-hour delay.

And so, and you know, keep the receipts, claim it back.

So I was like, well, I don't really need anything.

I'm going to spend it all on a hotel.

Great.

I've never been in a hotel.

It costs a lot of money, that much money before.

So I spent about £450 for a night in this hotel.

And I thought, got to do it.

take the book down, sit in the bar, have an old-fashioned, I'm sure someone, some femme for towel will come over and talk to me.

Yeah, they often do that.

They often do that when people are reading a book.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, don't worry.

I didn't read the book because it looked my phone.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

And had the old-fashioned and then just went, just go back to the room, I guess.

Just watch Netflix up there.

That's good old-fashioned?

Great old-fashioned.

Wasn't that old-fashioned?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's do that.

Yeah, it's thinking it was the Olympic Hotel or the Olympia or something like that.

Yeah.

I think that no hotel room is worth more than £200 a night.

I got in there and I was just like, this is fine.

I just got a sitting room I'm not going to use.

Yeah, I agree with that, especially if you're by yourself.

Yeah.

Like sometimes when I'm on tour, like occasionally you'll just get a better room randomly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And there'll be like a sofa in there and whatever.

And you're like, I'm just going to sit on the bed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sit on the end of the bed.

Yeah, the good times roll.

Worth every bed.

You dream dessert.

This is difficult, innit?

Yeah, it's difficult.

You're a sweet toothed boy.

So many options.

yeah i mean you've already had cherry pie but let me tell you this yes and i wouldn't normally tell people this but you've been so tense the whole episode yeah yeah this is where we could get you why didn't you tell me that at the beginning but tread very lightly some of those awkward

we didn't tell you at the beginning because i thought every course was going to be a dessert oh did you genuinely i i expected something like that i'm not surprised you had a cherry pie for your starter

tread very lightly to your left might be a covered up pit with spiky sticks in it yeah yeah well that's part of the town yeah to your right might be one of those ropes that I don't know how anyone sets up, but you step in them and then it whips you up into a tree.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know how you're setting up.

How do they do that?

That's the town's rope trap near the bonfire.

So this is a problem because when I was a kid at school, I have for lunch

had a box of after eights.

What?

For lunch at school?

Yeah, they weren't even after eights.

They're the Woolworths' own brand after

cost.

Who sent you in with them?

My parents didn't like box up some after eights.

i had not taken anything i didn't have any money and i all i had was enough and i went into woolworth so i was like i can afford that and i want that so i'm gonna have that but there must have been something else in woolworth that wasn't there almost definitely yeah oh i could have gone to the bakery next door and just got like a roll or something like that yeah yeah but i went no i want that right now

not thinking about what that meant for the rest of my day and your life probably and my life

yeah you're at school yeah you're not thinking about that no did you eat all of the after eights for lunch

And also,

that much of that sort of mint fondant stuff, I think, has some sort of laxative effect.

Yeah.

I think it's not good for you.

No.

It's just like eating glue.

It's like eating a whole box of glue.

Look, I really like, from like a nostalgic point of view, I really like a frosty from Wendy's.

I don't really know what a frosty is.

Is it like all of it?

It's like halfway between a milkshake and an ice cream.

Yeah.

And I like the chocolate one there whenever we went as a family as a kid.

It was like...

Similar to McClurry?

No, because you'd have a spoon yeah you'd have a spoon to get it out but it was like not as it wasn't like i don't know it's not actual ice cream but i don't know what it just i just liked the flavor i liked the vibe of like oh we're going to wendy's which was a restaurant we didn't have here a restaurant uh a fast food place they had like dave the guy who runs it and it was all very homely i liked all of that sort of americana stuff so it felt nice but i think i just have to build my own enormous sundae that's what you want to do i think that's what i want to build build a huge sundae take us through the sundae there we we go so when i went to the island of man when i was younger there was a restaurant on the dock where you could buy an ice cream that was like this big and it was like how big for the listener uh that is about 30 40 centimeters wide circumference uh not circumference radi radius sense center centrifuge

thing size of a beach ball diameter size of a beach ball diameter yeah so it would probably be that sort of size and we'd have a bunch of people around it celebrating your return yeah yeah we're talking raspberry ripple ice cream that's going in there we're talking vanilla ice cream.

You've got to have that as your base.

Think like that.

But then you're not going anywhere like mint chock chip.

If I was to have what just a scoop by itself, maybe mint chalk chip.

But if you're building a Sunday, you've got to think about the wider context.

Yeah.

I just remembered that me, Stu, and our friend Al on a text chain did this once, building our dream Sundays and sending them to each other.

I love it.

You're chucking honeycomb in there, you're chucking marshmallows, there's raspberry sauce, there's chocolate sauce.

Second appearance of marshmallows in your meal?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, let's not forget the pocket frettos or marshmallows.

And that's building up into a mountain.

What else is going to make it things?

They're going to be like callbacks in the dessert to the rest of the meal.

Yeah, there's a little bit, there's a tiny bit of madras at the bottom.

It's all sitting in pickle juice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cherries, you can have cherries from the microphone.

That would be nice.

Let's chuck some cherries in there.

I'm still having trouble visualising this sundae.

Right.

Massive, it is.

So what's the sauce that goes in the bottom?

That's chocolate sauce.

Okay, so now you're putting a a scoop of ice cream in.

What's that?

Now we're doing...

But there'll be like loads of scoops, right?

Yeah, it's massive.

We got like 10 scoops of vanilla.

Half a beach ball-size bowl.

Yeah.

10 scoops of raspberry ripple.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember when on man versus food when he did the kitchen sink challenge?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm imagining it like that.

And then there's bits of brownie in there.

There's honeycomb, there's the marshmallows, and we're building it up.

It's building up.

And then we're doing raspberry sauce over it as well.

How much of this do you reckon you're going to eat?

Well, it's for the community.

Yeah.

so the group coming together.

Obviously, not your mind's not there, your mother's not there, isn't it?

Incarcerated, yeah, I'm there.

Ed's finished filming, so he's on a slough brothers are there with the Redding sisters.

The Slough brothers are there, but I'm not, I don't want them near the

Sundays, yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

the Redding sisters are there, though, right?

The Redding sisters are there because I feel bad about them because they've had to put up with a lot of stuff earlier in the night.

Yeah, like, get over here, get yourself a spoon, yeah, yeah.

The 85-year-old lady from the diner, I don't want to go into what's happened to her, but let's just say she won't be greeting me the next morning.

You shagged her?

You shagged the old lady from the diner,

man.

Yeah, you can never go back to this town again.

Yeah, we are.

Was the policeman from the diner at the beginning?

Was that Ed Larone or another policeman?

Another policeman.

Was he there?

Is he there?

Fucking Ed Lerone, man.

No, the police officer at the beginning's Tammy.

Yeah.

Tammy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tammy, last name, Timmy.

Is Tammy Timmy there?

Tammy Timmy's.

Tammy Timmy's there, but again, it's just

got her eye on the outside.

So most people aren't eating this ice cream.

It's you and the Grunsons.

As far as I can make out.

And the Reddings.

You're there.

And the Reddings.

And Ed's on his way in the chopper.

I'm on my way in the chopper.

There's six of us, that's fine.

Yeah.

Okay.

And we're all eating this.

Yeah.

Long spoons.

That's the key.

Long spoons.

Real nice.

I mean, it does sound a bit...

What were the ice creams again?

Raspberry ripple, vanilla.

Vanilla.

And then I think then it's like we're going around the table and we're saying, you can chuck three scoops in, but it's got all be the same.

Okay.

So what are you chucking in?

It's got to complement it.

So I'm thinking, you know, it might have a biscoff one in there or something like that.

Don't try and, well, just choose them.

Just choose them yourself.

Don't try and check it out.

No, I'm just saying.

I don't want you.

My ice cream, if you're going to.

Maybe we could all have three scoops each.

I don't want you to pick one that's going to upset the balance of it because I've been in

July.

Don't say to everyone, you can have three scoops of what you want.

Okay, you've got three within, and I'll pick, and it's you've got a caramelli one, a biscuity one,

yeah, salty caramel.

That's going in.

Lovely.

The cherry one, the cherry, whatever that is.

Strachiatelli.

No, that's the different one.

That's not the cherry one.

That's not the cherry one.

That's not the cherry one.

Yeah, that's another one I'm offering.

I mean, I'd want,

oh, actually.

I don't know.

He's really into it now.

While you're in Seattle in the hotel,

I think...

Take a trip down to Molly Moon's, great ice cream place in Seattle, and get the...

Which one?

Molly Moon's.

no which ice cream though the mocha chip get out of here that's my secret ingredient you're out of here

oh at least it was on the dessert it was blocker chock a hundred percent the secret ingredient for you was blocker chock

look The Freddo and the marshmallows was going to be blocker chock with marshmallows.

Was it?

Yeah.

Genuinely.

100% genuinely.

Are you serious?

100% serious.

And he changed it.

And I just went, there's something about blocker chock that's got such a community atmosphere to it that it's so wholesome and lovely.

Yeah.

That surely that's got to be on the list.

Also, Five Guys was on the list.

I was like, surely that's going to be potentially somewhere on there.

And that was early, so we were thinking maybe Blockerchock would be a dessert, but it was a snack.

We could have got you on your walkaround snack.

Genuinely.

We never would have solved the case.

You would have still been missing.

Still be there with Ed Lerone up in his way.

We didn't even know Ed Larone existed at that point.

But you were going to pick it.

Genuine is going to pick it.

Oh, man.

That would have been perfect.

But I'm glad we got to the bottom of the case.

Yeah, that is good.

I did what, you know, I did.

There's a part of me obviously who was like, that would be thrilling to be kicked out.

Yeah.

When you kick Jade out, one of the highlights of the entire podcast.

Yeah.

But

I'd like to talk about something.

But this feels like...

This feels like one of those Derrin Brown tricks where it doesn't work.

And then he says to them, But were you thinking of this at some point?

And they go, fucking oh, I was thinking of that.

So I think we kind of half

brown it up.

more real and read your menu back to you now see how you feel about it you want tap water then still water pop numbs of bread seeded sourdough toast with salted butter marmalade strawberry jam from rickmansworth aquadrome cafe starter warm slice of cherry pie and a black coffee main course lamb madras pop noms onion barji steamed rice from malix ice cold pepsi in a glass bottle from uganda on the side Your side dish, you want buttermilk chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles and Brussels spouse of balsamic reduction from Ginger Man, plus a bottle of Prosecco and shambor drink an old-fashioned with massive ice cube from the olympic hotel in seattle and dessert a bring your own sundae yeah

build your own but they're also bringing their own ice creams aren't they yeah maybe and we haven't even talked about the the kendall mint cake as a yeah you also have cleanser did you say the freddo's got the freddos with the marshmallows as your as your as your pocket snack but first option was blocker chock with marshmallows yeah but you can't say that now no but i but but look play back to that point there's a moment when i hesitated because I was like, hmm, well, am I going to say blocker chock or Freddo?

I feel like I gave it away a bit.

You said chocolate, and I went, what, chocolate?

And I think there's a lot of things.

Yeah, but you were doing that for a very long time.

I was doing that in everything, but I felt like, you know, when you know what you're going for, I felt like, oh, is there a tell here?

But I'm hoping he says blocker chock.

Well, you did it, Stu.

Also, if you had the, because you were saying about having the Freddo's and the mushrooms in your pocket.

If you had the blocker chock in your pocket, you call it pocket chock.

Pocket chock.

A big block of pocket chock.

Yeah.

Instead, you got frogger chock.

Frogger chocker.

You know what blocker chock is?

Yes, he's shown.

He showed me blocker chalk.

Yeah, we spoke about it in the intro.

Yeah, okay.

I think it, I think it's rude to pick as a secret ingredient a thing you'd bought for me as a gift.

Yeah, yeah, but you introduced me to it first.

Yeah, that is true.

I did buy it for you.

Back to the guy.

Yeah.

Big shout out to Blockerchock.

This guy's got no idea what's coming for him.

Yeah.

Thank you very much, Stu.

Thank you, Stu.

Thanks for having me.

Well, there we are.

Stuart Laws, our first ever mystery.

Our first ever mystery.

First ever set

over a whole day walking around a town.

Yeah.

First ever guest terrified for the whole thing.

Throughout, and that was how we like it.

Chucked out.

And then he did nearly choose...

He nearly chose Blocker Chock.

He was Gunner.

And maybe if we hadn't made...

Sorry, maybe if I hadn't made such a big deal of we're going to chuck you out, he would have been relaxed and just said Blocker Chock.

And then he would have been gone.

Yeah.

But also because I think, because it was a snack, I think he changed his mind because he wanted a portable chocolate that he could put marshmallows in between.

And, you know, I've only seen a picture of Blocker Chock.

You ain't cutting that open and putting marshmallows in it.

It's the size of a brick.

You need to cut it up with a kitchen knife.

You can't put it in your pocket.

Yeah.

So he didn't choose blocker chock.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

And I guess that means we should plug it special.

Yes.

Stuart Laws is all in.

It's available on YouTube.

It's an excellent show, which I've seen.

Yes.

As mentioned.

So go and watch that.

Yes.

Thank you, Stuart.

Lovely menu.

Lovely boy.

Lovely, lovely menu.

Lovely boy.

Well done, you.

Yep.

Sorry to my mother who listens to every episode.

I'm sure she'll have a lot to say about this one.

So, apologies for the content.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

Come.

Yeah, yes.

You won't like it.

Thank you for listening.

We'll see you next week.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

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In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Ad.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.