Ep 231: Iain Stirling (Live in Glasgow)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

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And guess what?

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Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Hello, it's Saturday, and you know what that means.

It's a bonus live episode from the Off-Menu Live Tour 2023, recorded on the 21st of October 2023 at the SEC Armadillo in Glasgow.

Crunchy on the outside, smooth on the inside.

And if you're listening to this and that comes out, it's the day before my birthday.

Happy birthday, Ed.

Our special guest at this show was the brilliant Ian Sterling.

Now, some callbacks to the first half won't make sense to you.

That's fair enough.

We had a lovely evening with Ian Sterling.

Loads of nice chats to him backstage

afterwards went for a lovely drink in the hotel bar with Ian.

He was a brilliant guest, as people are about to hear.

But I just can't believe every single fucking episode.

We've got to say, oh, some callbacks might not make sense.

They get it now.

I'm not doing that for them.

You're all smart enough.

Yeah, you're all smart enough.

You know that.

Secret ingredient, as picked in the first half by our audience, was pumpkin spice.

Pumpkin spice and all things nice.

That's what Ian Sterling's made of.

This is the off-menu menu live in Glasgow of Ian Sterling.

Ian Sterling.

Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking the mints of humor.

The tatties tatties of conversation.

Removing the corned beef of evil

and putting it into the big pot of the internet.

That's right, it's a stovey pod, baby.

That is their gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week, we invite in the guests and ask them their favourite ever: starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Ian Sterling.

Very excited to finally have Ian on the podcast.

He's a good pal of ours, a wonderful comedian.

We are going to welcome him to the dream restaurant.

We already know the secret ingredient, which, if he says it, he will be kicked out.

And by the sounds of the man who suggested the secret ingredient, he will also be killed.

So, without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Ian Sterling.

Thank you, Ian.

Pop yourself down.

James, what are you doing?

Yep, sorry.

Thank you.

Ian, it is your prerogative as the guest.

If you wish to stand up and rub the lamp, that is up to you.

Would you like to rub the lamp to release the genie?

I would love to rub a lamp.

Okay, you can go over there and rub it.

Absolutely.

We could do it in our imaginations.

I don't mind, really.

Let's rub that lamp.

Yes, rub the

it's happening.

It's happening.

Welcome, IX down, into the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Hello.

Welcome Ian.

Pop yourself down.

Thank you for, I mean, that prop, I'd imagine, a lot of man hours into making that and you wanked it off.

You wanked I robbed that up a treat.

Yeah.

Yes.

I think

it's the first time the genie's ever been.

Hang on a minute.

We got we got we've what the fuck is that?

We're making you feel at home bro.

It's the you were so worried about coming across as English and you're on stage with Iron Brew Sugar Free.

Which we bought in your country.

I'll have you know it's available and I'll have you know I have a chronological disease

Yeah, it's called English bastard

And I'll have you know that for five years I didn't drink regular iron brew

And then I started drinking sugar-free iron brew and let me tell you now it tastes like normal iron brew

You're gonna drink it though, aren't you?

Just like mama used to make the secret recipe since 1901.

Well, it's just even the new stuff's the...

You know about old recipe, new recipe.

No?

No.

What?

Basically, in Scotland, we're all pro-European.

Apart from...

Apart from rules on the amount of sugar you can have in a drink.

That's the only time we get a little bit Brexit.

Right.

Do you ever have an Iron Brew Bar?

Yeah.

Do you remember them?

Yeah.

I lost my first tooth in a Wamba.

Did you actually?

Yeah, that won't surprise anyone.

Iron brew bar would kick the fucking shit out of a wham bar.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh no, I got them both free on the front cover of the Beano.

Yeah.

Do you remember when do you remember back in the day when you used to get wham bars

in a magazine for children?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was like this, because that was the sort of time when, when I was a kid, like, when I was doing sport, my parents instead of giving me water.

We just gave me sunny delight.

Yeah.

I wanted sunny delight so bad for so long.

I remember seeing the advert and being like begging my parents for Sonny Delight because it looks so great and radioactive.

And every time we're in Sainsbury's

orange, ironically.

Yeah.

Please, please let me get Sonny Delight.

And they were always like, you're never drinking that.

So as soon as I was old enough to buy my own juice,

I got a sunny delight and I drank the whole thing.

Yeah, and it is no surprise you turned out the way you did.

You running on stage tonight was exactly what a Sunny Delight kid looked like.

Yeah,

I'm full of Sunny Delight when I come out on stage and I'm proud of it.

Oh, can you still get it?

Sunny Delight.

Does it exist?

Yeah.

But it's new recipe, Sunny Delight.

Yeah.

It's fucking bullshit.

EU bullshit.

Yeah, it's not as delightful anymore.

Sunny Alright.

Thank you.

Come on, that was fun.

That's good shit.

I love Sunny Alright.

That's funny.

So this isn't so...

Look, to me, this tastes delicious.

Yes.

It's fain, innit?

It's sort of like fan.

It's got a strong man lifting up the brew.

Iron Brewman could beat the shit out of any other food or drink mascot, don't you reckon?

What's Scott,

the Otsu?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that almost sounded thirsty, the way you cheer there.

He is sexy, though.

Yeah.

That's how you get pregnant in Scotland.

The man dresses up as the Otsky.

We're talking about the Quaker oats guy, man.

Yeah,

who else would we be talking about?

Quakers fuck, man.

Quakers fuck.

Quakers fuck.

There's nothing else.

Silently.

You never know.

They're fucking.

So quiet.

Quakers, man.

Quakers fuck quiet, man.

I'd imagine this is a good one.

Sorry, sorry.

Just every time James says anything, I find it funny because it's funny.

And two, I'm I'm like, there's every chance next to her that's on a t-shirt.

Yeah, you never know.

These things escalate.

Yeah.

I feel like this is our version of what we think the Joe Rogan podcast is like.

Just going like, Quakers fuck quiet, man.

You ever see a Quaker fucking quietly?

They do, man.

Pull that up, Jamie.

Quakers fuck quiet.

Pull it up.

That's a Quaker fucking quiet.

Probably won't get away with fucking showing this shit.

The Quakers will try and silence us, ironically.

That's a good joke, Rogan.

I can do all right accents, actually.

I'll do good accents.

Do you like porridge?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What do you have in your porridge?

Salt.

Salt.

More salt than porridge, really.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Hang out with that guy.

There's a salty motherfucker right there.

Boy, he puts the olives and the anchovies in there, gobbled down.

That's a guy.

When Ian gets back to Scotland, he goes proper Scottish.

So now he's saying he has salt.

As soon as he gets back to London, it'll be almond butter and goji berries, won't it, Ian?

No, no.

This is how Ian Sterling talks in London.

He says, How do you?

How fucking dare you?

We think,

Ian, do you want to do the off-menu podcast?

You said that you swallowed a guitar.

No, I'm very Scottish all the time.

Okay.

Not true.

We said, Ian, do you want to do the off-menu podcast?

He's like, hmm, I'll let you know later, chaps.

Toodle Pip.

I'd like to do the Royal Albert Hall gigs because, of course, it was named after Albert, who was the husband of Queen Victoria.

Long live the Queen.

Is what you said.

I mean, technically, it's near out to my house, so I've not really got a fucking leg to stand on.

Are you a foodie generally, Ian?

I think so, yeah.

I sort of wasn't growing up, but then I've got slowly come around to it.

Food.

You like food now?

Food, I don't know.

When I grew up in Scotland, food was just always a hassle.

Just like the thought of it, oh, here we go again.

Yeah, but there's gonna be vegetables in this.

So when you eat out and you're like, oh, can I have this?

I bet you've put carrots in this, you prick.

Or whatever it is.

But now I've got a more refined palate.

So, every time you ate out, you were suspicious that they put carrots in it, just vegetables, or like, oh, it's got cream or whatever it is.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean, though?

I think you're angry about other stuff.

Mushrooms.

Mushrooms.

I say vegetables and cream are in very different groups.

I'm not sure exactly what you don't like.

I don't know.

I didn't know.

Just stuff that wasn't the three things I liked, I suppose.

What the three things?

Pasta.

I'd pasta sort of plain on its own when I was a kid.

Yeah.

And then I'd have a chippy.

A chippy.

With chippy sau chippy sauce.

What?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

You have like s what is it?

Salt and vinegar or heroin or what they have in Glasgow.

No, no, they don't.

We'd like to apologise for our guests.

Ian,

English English people like us can't say that.

Whoa.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

So,

plain pasta.

Plain pasta.

Plain pippa sauce.

Chippy.

Chippy.

Chippy with chippy sauce.

Chippy sauce.

What is chippy sauce?

I still don't know.

No one knows.

How dare you?

It's brown sauce and vinegar mixed together into a sort of like a liquidy goodness.

It's a real moon splitter.

I love it.

Yeah, we love it.

I love that noise.

The booze and the cheers mixing together.

You would never think that's the same audience who gave us laser-printed pop-a-dots.

G3 geniuses on the front row, and everyone else, oh, chippy sauce!

What was the third thing?

I like it.

Keep the passion coming.

What was chip chips?

Plain pasta.

pasta chips chips with chippy sauce crisps

probably

to be fair where the fuck are you gonna hide a carrot in that I know

they do them all they do carrot crisps now probably yeah I do yeah those vegetable crisps yeah I love them yeah the carrot the beetroot ones parsnip ones yeah you don't want all the beetroot parsley you don't have them oh yeah I love those yeah potpourri ones they're not pot

he's got you there though they do look like potpourri I've been done

He absolutely got me.

I mean it does look like potpourri, I'll grant you.

But you know, you're talking to a man who once ate potpourri accidentally at the end of a Nepalese meal.

Correct.

The first time I ever went to a Japanese restaurant, my old flatmate had Edamame in it, the whole thing.

Great.

And

shit himself in the restaurant.

But

would a whole Edamame do that?

I think he was was going to shit himself anyway.

Oh, I think it was on his way, but I think the husks

I think the husks tipped him over the edge.

But a whole bowl of them, he couldn't work out when no one else was having the husks.

He was wolfing them down.

And so he didn't bring it up at any point.

He didn't go, why is no one else?

Yeah, he said, stop sucking the salt off my husks.

He was raging.

Eating the buds you threw away.

Yeah.

These are good husks.

For me.

I wish I was joking.

And then he, yeah, shit himself.

Sounds like he probably did a whole bunch of things that day that were similar to that.

He sounds like a real, like, you know, carefree kind of guy.

Yeah, he's in.

I bet he eats like the whole corn on the cob, like an apple.

The whole cob goes down everything.

Even the little skewers that they go in the side.

Yeah.

Delicious.

Uh-oh.

That's going to shit my pants again for the fifth time today.

Do you ever hear about that lady that

used to she got they stopped the

hold on bear with him wait bear with him?

Do you know what happened then genuinely?

There's loads of people here, but I was just talking to you guys and then I had that weird moment where I went, oh, I'm in front of humans.

So I was talking to you and then I realized, oh, everyone's quite a minute of an anecdote and there's people listening.

Quite insulting to say I was talking to you guys and then I realized there were humans here.

You know what I mean?

Non-tanking.

You're a genie, technically.

Yes, thank you very much for respecting that.

And you're a diabetic.

Yes, I am correct.

So.

The magical mythological creature, the diabetic.

We've never seen them grown up in Scotland because the young didn't survive.

When you're born, you get given a can of iron brew and you survive it, you qualify.

All your teeth fall out, and you have to survive on edamame husks yeah

um what i can't even what were we talking about you said there was a woman you said there what was a woman what were we talking about well we'd love to narrow it down here but because you said there's a woman they stopped

they stopped doing the servettes to wash your hands in kfc yeah and she thought it was a lemon flavoring for the chicken

She was like, they've stopped doing the lemon flavoring on the chicken because she was wiping the

That's...

You can Google that.

You can Google that.

Yeah.

I don't doubt it.

Simultaneously, unsophisticated and sophisticated at the same time.

Oh, a lovely lemon dress.

Yeah.

Let me buff up this chicken with the lemon rag.

That's me doing it.

That's you doing it, is it?

Yeah.

I'm getting into this now.

It's fun doing podcasts.

Yeah.

I've never really, I've never done, I didn't do one for ages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

15 years I've been doing stand-up.

Yeah.

I didn't have one for 14 years.

And I'm married.

Imagine being married and not having a podcast.

What a waste.

I'm glad those two things were connected because for a bit I thought you were just listing everything about yourself.

Yeah.

I've never done a podcast.

I've never done for 15 years.

I'm six foot two.

Six foot two?

What is it?

Six foot two?

No, it's just like, you know what I mean?

That's because it's content now, isn't it?

Yeah.

Every time my wife, I forget to take the bins that my wife kicks off.

I go, hi, oh, hi, how I'm on.

We'll talk about that on the podcast.

On my podcast, yes.

At Wembley, wherever.

We always start with still a fucking water.

I'll have sunny delight, please.

Hey, if you want sunny delight, we will let you have a lot of fun.

I think I'm alright for I don't know if you're allowed to do this, but I generally think I'm alright.

I don't know if that's been done, but I'm alright for it.

You are allowed to do it.

We have let people do it.

Yeah, but I don't want to kill the mood.

No, no, you've not killed the mood at all, but you tell us why you're alright for water.

I don't drink it.

Right.

So it just sits there.

Yeah.

And then sometimes you ask for tap water and you feel the guy judging you.

Even if you're in an expensive restaurant where you're spending loads of money, you still think they're judging you for being a cheapskate.

Yeah, sure.

And then you're not getting sparkling water because I'm not a king.

I've got a mate called,

and I remember what I've never forgot it when we were at a stagdoo once when I was like 24, young

marriage.

It's ended now, obviously.

I was going to ask how did it work out for the couple?

Don't get me wrong.

I imagine it's relevant to the story.

I'd like to know if it ended in divorce or not.

I feel like if we just sat here in silence and watched you, you'd just tell us every single secret.

You're a journalist's dream.

Ian was telling us earlier that he's got to do promo for his tour, like we all do.

And now we're having this interview with you, I think you should have a PR person in the room with you while you're doing the interview because literally all they have to do is ask you one question and sit back, and you'll have yourself cancelled in five minutes.

Now, I hate to break it to you, but after BBC leads three years ago, that is what happens.

His name's

no, wait, no, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter about his surname.

Fuck.

Is this the groom?

That was the groom, yeah.

He got married at 24, and he said he got married too young, and everyone's presents were shite because they were skim.

That's why you shouldn't get married when you're young.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is we're at the stag do, and the couple next to us ordered sparkling water, and then

my friend

said,

His name's changed.

No, this is another person in the stag

coming up i guess

does something yeah there's you

so far yeah i'm at the table right it's a it's a young stag dude loads of people that's the one benefit of getting married young is loads of people come to the stag dude right you've got loads of mate so we've got

you

who who else we got on the stag

was there was there obviously

how old

yeah well mate he's 36 now he watch for

actually i can't say

No, wait.

No, can we actually take that out?

Yeah, sure.

Can we actually take that out?

Don't complete that sentence in your head.

That's worse.

We can take it out the recording, Ian, but you do know these.

No, no, they're fine.

They'll forget.

You know, we don't have a men in black machine.

We can't.

I wish so bad we had men in black machines.

So

there's loads of other.

Do you want me to go for everyone?

Yes.

You're an English one, but he's ginger, so it's allowed.

So.

Right, final.

He was a he's self-employed now.

I bet.

Because he went on a stag do, but then he stayed in Morbea for a week after, and they sacked him.

Is this a different stag do?

Or the same one?

That's a different one.

Yeah.

Different one.

That wasn't even master.

I didn't even know that one.

That was a friend of a friend.

It's amazing that storytelling is essentially your career, Ian, because.

I'm more one-liner voiceover out of sight these days.

So let's come

see that the couple.

It's not worth it.

Long story short, trust me, this has been worth it.

Got annoyed that they'd ordered sparkling water.

Yes.

And they said, what has annoyed you about that?

And he went,

I don't know.

I can't put my finger on it.

It just annoys me.

And then that's when my friend said, yeah, I bet they go on holiday in Dubai.

And

so not worth it.

Fucking brilliant.

So now, every time I see someone drinking Sparklemore, I think, oh, I bet you're going holiday in Dubai.

Also, I just love that we heard about so much other stuff.

And the story you've chosen is probably the least interesting night out you and your friends have ever had.

We've had some mad ones like this.

Poplums or bread, problems or bedians, darling.

sterling pop dumps or bread

I wanted to go pop a dumps because it feels like a more unique thing to do

yeah totally but then I just I want an I want a naan

and I want I want a keema nan yeah I want a big meaty boy Big meaty boy yeah I don't think we've ever had a keema nan on the planet before have we've thinking I mean we definitely had naan before and we must I mean I feel like we might have had a keema nan but like, it's very exciting to hear one.

I love a Kimana, and I would have it.

The Edinburgh-Glasgow debate will always rumble on, and we'll never know, we'll never know, we can't possibly get into it tonight.

But yeah, I mean, someone's went, Glasgow's better.

Glasgow is better.

But I would have

the best Indian in the UK is in Glasgow.

It's mother,

it's Mother India in Glasgow.

Mother India!

That is very interesting because our tour manager Paul had Mother India before the show and said it was disappointing.

Didn't he say that?

Yeah, he said that.

Bring him out.

He's bringing him out the curtain.

Didn't like the chicken.

He said the chicken wasn't very nice.

Well, maybe it doesn't deliver well.

You know, there's loads of good restaurants that don't deliver well.

We've never had Kimanan before, by the way.

Never had it.

It's just the best.

The Mother India Kimanan.

Oh.

It's sort of donor meat, but it's allowed.

It's posh.

Yeah.

Why is it?

It's donor meat, but it's allowed.

Yeah, well, you know, you can't.

Yeah, but I can't order donner meat in the day.

I'd love to.

People look at you or judge you in that.

Yeah.

Whereas you can get a key man,

ambassador.

Like a key man in a pyramid.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't go.

I'll have a

loaf of hovis and some donor meat.

People look at you funny in the street.

Yeah, they would do.

But a keem and

what do they say in India?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They say ula la.

They say ula la in India.

Mamma mea, they say in India.

Mamma mea.

Mamma mia.

Yeah, yeah.

It's very mamma mia.

I don't think I've ever had a keema nun.

What?

I always think I'm going to have meat, so I don't want another meat thing.

I don't want meat on meat on meat.

Is this a gamble talking?

I'm sorry, what the fuck is going on?

But the bread, the nun, bret is a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong.

Now and again, sure, I'll have a pechwari nun.

Oh.

Mama meat, yeah.

No.

Oh, a bigger cheer for Peshawari than the keema.

Peshwari?

Yeah.

That's like a cake.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Cakes, the notoriously delicious things that everyone loves.

But with a spicy curry, especially like a tomato-based spicy curry and a pechwari naan, you get the sweetness from the pechuari.

It cuts through the spice.

It's a wonderful combination.

You get...

Someone there.

It's like you just sum their life up in one sentence.

Yes!

But with akema,

what's that bringing?

Especially if you've got like a lamb or chicken curry.

I don't think the meat and akema is necessarily bringing anything, but I will say I've never had one, so I can't speak on the topic.

Thank you, Ian.

Oh, this isn't the direction I thought.

I thought it was just watch your favourite menu, not, we'll ask you.

We'll ask you what you like and then tell you to go fuck yourself.

I said I've never had a Kimanan and you reacted annoyed, so I was just letting you know why.

Do you know what?

I forgot I did that actually.

Fair play.

If anyone's seen me on anything, that happens a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

I get carried away, I fly off the handle, I react, and then I reflect on it, and I think about that for the next six years.

Well, listen, I've never had a Kima Nan or a pecho, none.

What?

Genuine shock from down down here.

What are you doing?

Profitable tower.

I just have a cornetto.

That's how we do it in the Acaster House.

Well, I think that sounds lovely.

Yes.

Do you want so?

If you want that at the start of the meal, do you want any sort of dips or anything with it to dip the quima nan in?

I haven't thought that far ahead.

I like meat.

I'd have like maybe chicken picora with it or something.

Hmm.

can you dip wasn't wasn't quite the question I'd asked in can you dip it I can dip it in you could I mean you could try and dip a quinana and chicken pakora sure I'm not sure it's physically possible you can blend them up

do you want a blend do you want blended chicken pakora as a dip

I've had worse than a night eh

I'll have a chicken pakora you want salt blended blended chicken pakora with your quinana no I've actually thought about this you just threw me with that sauce you never said the sauce was coming oh it's not a fucking difficult difficult question, is it, mate?

I'm asking if you want a dip.

I'll have chicken pakora.

I've MN now.

I just want chicken picora with the quimanan.

Wow.

I feel like I'm watching Clash the Titans over here.

You two are at each other's throats.

It's a bloody sight.

I actually think blended chicken picora sounds like it might be all right, you know.

You would do it?

You would eat it?

I would eat that.

You would drink that down?

Yeah, I'd clog that.

I'd clog it right down.

Yeah.

Now it's gotta be sexy.

Okay.

Right, let's do your menu properly.

Your dream starter.

I would have a

cheesy truffle resortal.

Yeah, from this.

Here we go, the judgment in the room.

It's from

a restaurant called Es Party in Majorca.

Don't be look at me.

Look at me and tell me what you want.

Don't worry about them.

Don't worry about them.

I can see you worried.

Don't worry about them, Ian.

See you worries.

This is right.

All the the great Iron Brew chat just washing away, all the credibility going.

But look at me.

You tell me about the restaurant in Mallorca and the cheesy truffle risotto.

What's from it?

I don't know why that got a laugh.

I'm trying to be serious for a second.

You should be serious.

It is serious.

It's a restaurant in Mallorca

that I like.

Yes.

Called S.

Patty.

S.

Patty?

S.

Patty.

S.

Pat.

S.

Patty.

P-A-T-I.

Oh, S.

Patty.

Espati, yeah.

Where was he?

Once my friend

Craig.

Well, he went to Espati and ordered the risotto and accidentally ate the plate.

And then shit himself.

Yeah, it's a place, it's near where I used to record Love Island.

And it does a five-course taster menu.

And I booked it for me and my

now wife, but then she was like a girlfriend or whatever you want to say.

Yeah, thank you.

Three people, big fans.

Pound of love.

But I didn't know, I didn't know, I thought I didn't know what a taster menu was.

So when we got there, you just get what you get.

Yeah.

And I'd booked it for me.

Me and Laura hadn't been going out long.

And the first course was a watermelon gazpachio.

So no, it was right.

It was soup.

It was soup.

It was cold.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was rank.

Yeah, and I was like, oh no, I'm so screwed here.

And then the second course came in, it was this cheesy truffle risotto.

And it's a mixture of one of the nicest things I've ever tasted, plus that massive relief of like, oh, I've not messed up this date with this amazing person.

So I was sort of eating it and going, oh, this is so nice.

And at the end, I'm being like, fuck your ass.

And it was just so like creamy and lovely.

And yeah, it was amazing.

And that restaurant's amazing.

It's like some run by a South African couple who live in Spain, but also go to Germany in summers.

I can't remember why they told me.

That man is on witness protection.

I like how anyone who encounters you have to be ready for their life story to be shared

on a podcast in front of an audience.

Well, he's a cool guy, Felix.

He's a good guy.

Did Laura enjoy the watermelon?

Yes,

I think she liked that.

I was too busy panicking to not.

So did you have to, if you were on the date and she was enjoying the watermelon gazpatio, did you have to act like you were written firstly that you weren't surprised that it was cold?

Yeah.

And secondly, that you were enjoying it.

So

how did you make out that the first bite you had, you were like, I knew that was going to be cold.

Did you make a face?

Great, great question.

That's a really good point.

I think I might have said that's cold.

No, I think

Is yours cold?

That's what I said.

Absolutely the worst thing you could do.

Is yours cold?

And she'd come all the way to Spain.

We haven't been gone out that long.

Yeah.

Is yours cold?

And she went, yeah, it's Gaspatio.

I didn't know what that meant.

But is this where Love Island's filmed?

Yeah, it's really neat.

It's really near.

It's in this sort of like tiny little town nearby, and it's so small.

They're sort of like, they actually got asked to film a date, like one of the Love Island dates in there, and they said no, which made me like it even more.

I was like, yes!

Rock and roll.

And it's in this tiny little town, and it's really, you should definitely go there if you're ever in the area.

Ed's been in the area before.

Oh, fuck off.

What were you doing then?

You filmed Love Island.

Oh, yes, remember that guy?

Curtis.

Curtis Pritchard.

Yes.

And then you were in Holly Oaks for a bit.

And I was in Holly Oaks for a bit, wasn't I?

Big career boost.

Everything that guy does is terrible.

And

every single so all that happened, like, oh, he looks like you or whatever.

He doesn't, but he doesn't look like you.

He literally is like you're identical.

You look more like him than his brother that hangs around with him all the time.

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Your dream main course, Ian Sterling?

I'm gonna go with.

I've thought about this a lot, genuinely.

More than you'd ever know.

Wow.

But

every time I came back to it, a proper home-cooked spaghetti bolognese.

You can't beat it.

My mum, spag ball.

Yeah.

You know what you're getting?

An offensive amount of pasta.

Oh yeah, you like pasta.

That's one of the three.

Yeah.

Forgot that.

But it was plain when you were a kid.

I know, now it's got like whatever's in the ball.

Wow, he doesn't.

You have really thought about this, haven't you?

Really?

Although, yeah, no, I like that.

And do you know when you get so much pasta and you sort of like tell people, oh, look, I've done too much.

I'm not going to get through this.

And then as the meal goes on, you get to tell people, I'm doing it.

Who are you telling?

Who are you telling going?

Everyone near you.

Look, I'm eating all the pasta.

Yeah.

Laura's got to be sitting there thinking, the signs were there with a gaspacho.

This is my own fault.

It's yours hot.

One of them looks like Ed Gamble.

Yeah,

and I like the communal element of it.

Everyone just changing the music.

I mean, that mind me did, didn't it?

Very fucking communally, and I'll be honest.

Just like you eating from a a big bottle.

It's every man for themselves

while your family just sit there watching it happen.

My mum just sits on so proud.

She cooks a really good spack ball.

And sometimes I quite like doing

when you do a corn one.

Yeah, but we don't but the best the best of doing a corn one is when you don't do you don't tell anyone.

Yeah, keep it secret.

And halfway through you go,

do you know that was corn?

Yeah.

And then everyone in the room goes, yeah, did we did you?

Takes nothing like mints, of course.

Ian's hosting the new series of Punked.

Well, it's in the first episode.

It's a doozy.

Yeah.

He gets Tiny Temper with the corn.

I go to Tiny Temper.

Hey, Tiny Temper, Edge Gamble's about to serve you real mint spaghetti bolognese.

And then Curtis from Love Island

walks out with some corn.

Punked!

He is the corn version of me, actually.

He is.

That's what I'll start telling people.

Better for the environment in the long run.

See, that's where it falls apart.

Yes.

So did your mum's spaghetti bolognese, what's different about it to anyone else's?

She.

There's loads of it.

Well, there's like, she's just really good at it.

I think she's been...

But there's something about a family recipe where you just, there's something about your own family's cooking that it's just undeniably familiar.

Yes.

I wonder where the word familiar comes from.

You're all laughing.

You've no idea how it's hard doing this in front of 3,000 people.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

100%.

It's really fun to fuck with, yeah.

Does she have any little sort of like things that are just her own, any signatures for?

No, she puts what's it called?

Mint.

No, yes.

Not soya sauce.

It looks like Parmesan.

Worcestershire sauce.

Worcestershire sauce.

Worcestershire sauce.

That's in there.

Big old game of charades here.

Worcestershire.

T tinned tomatoes.

Yeah, I don't think that's hers.

Pesata.

Chocolate.

Huh?

Chocolate.

Chocolate.

Chocolate.

She actually does do that.

That guy is fucking trolling me, man.

But dark chocolate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like 90% cocoa.

If it was your mum's recipe up on the pointless board, I'd be a different man.

I wouldn't need to do this podcast to be rolling in my billions.

If I weren't pointless.

What about

carrots?

Carrots.

Yeah, I thought she said, what about parents?

Yes.

So we're like,

sometimes, I mean, for all my front and early doors, a bit of celery might go in there sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, I know.

A boo.

One solitaire.

Boo.

It's the holy fruity, man.

You've got to put celery and carrot and garlic in the bed.

I just think vegetable is not as good as mint, so why are you putting it in a spaghet ball?

Because it's the base of flavour here.

It's not what?

Worsts flavour.

You don't just do the best ingredient and then everybody else can fuck off.

Because then it's just mint.

It's not spaghetti bolognese then.

Let's rank all the ingredients.

What's the best one?

We're just having that.

Yeah.

Avril, start from 15 and we'll go all the way up.

I'd love to hear Avril's top 15 spaghetti polones ingredients.

Where's this deep fried Mars bar?

These people laser put in some poppadoms in the interval.

Neither of you have had one, have you?

No, I've never had a deep fried Mars bar.

Snickers fries better.

It holds its shape.

Because of the nuts.

Problem Problem with a Mars bar is the caramel becomes like a weapon inside that.

It's too hot.

So I'm from Edinburgh.

I've seen many an American tourist get some molten caramel.

They've been taken down.

And no one warns them.

We see it coming up.

And deep-fried Mars bar.

Like, yeah, cool.

Good luck.

Launch into that, you mug.

My great-great-grandpeppy is from Scotchland.

Yeah, cool.

Have your molten Mars bar.

Helena.

See how you get on.

Burns and burn right on my lips.

I love this character so much.

She gets higher and higher the more she gets burned.

Excuse me, we used to castle in Edinburgh.

Hang on, hang on.

She got all these bad burns and now she's still trying to find the castle.

She's at the burn now.

she's like,

I've had so many deep-fried Mars bars.

Kiss reminds me, have you heard of Robert Burns?

Robbie Burns.

I'm going to go, I want to rub the dog's nose.

Can I go rub the dog's nose?

There's some chip shops in Scotland where you can take what you want to be deep fried and they'll do anything, right?

I mean, that's...

I think you can do that in any chip shop.

No, you can't, man.

You can't go to Nick's Fish and Chips in Ketvin and ask them to deep fry anything.

If I went in.

Are you sure have you walked in?

Oh, 100%.

Look, I'm a local celeb.

People love me there.

But if I walked into Nick's Fish and Chips and said, can you deep fry this wedding cake for me?

That's what I love about being in Glasgow: you just said deep fry this wedding cake, and anywhere else it would get

a big laugh.

I saw some people going, mmm, a gap in the market.

Not a bad idea.

I wish I hadn't got married at 22.

What would you deep fry?

Which chocolate bar are you deep frying?

Out of any chocolate bar?

Oh, that's question for me.

Thank you, Ed.

I'll move on to it, Ian.

Don't worry.

I'm giving you time.

I guess if I was to fry any chocolate bar.

Oh, my God.

Ask Ian first.

This is really hard.

If you want for structural integrity,

I've seen them all fried.

What do you mean you've seen them all fried?

Pretty much I've seen them all fried.

Yeah.

When have you seen them all fried?

Well, like, you've been in Edinburgh long enough, you've seen enough people ordering, because like tourists do it, and then you think, oh, I'm not going to do that for tourists, and then you get drunk and you've got a Twix in your hand, and you think, why not?

Can you demonstrate a tourist asking for a Twix?

Good evening to you.

Hang on.

Wait, my voice broke.

Hey.

Mom,

my great-grandpa

visited these fair isles many moons ago.

And he always wanted a nice piece of chips.

Piece of chips.

Piece of chips.

Piece of chips with a deep-fried twigs.

He was quirking those ways.

So can I please, young man, sir,

have my twigs deep fried?

No pun intended.

Mama.

Happy birth.

No twix for you.

Yep, one thing worse than a round, no round of applause, is someone trying and 3,000 people going, absolutely not.

No, that's not.

I just wanted to hear more from the characters.

Not today.

Best for structural integrity, double-decker.

Yeah.

Honestly, once it's been fried, you bite into it, it's like nothing happens to it.

Oh, yeah.

It's just in there, like, and what?

I'm not sure that's it.

Order us one of them.

Order us deep-fried double-decker.

That's what I want.

I don't want no deep-fried Mars bar.

See, the Mars bar's like inside, like,

yeah.

If that's going to scorch my mouth, that's not what my great-grandpappy died for.

I'd rather have a deep-fried double-decker, please.

Double-decker Snickers, I think we'll all agree.

Cream egg?

Cream eggs, but again, I mean, that is a

daredevil spore.

I'd rather skydive than eat

I Love that like when you had Gazpacho you didn't know it was meant to be cold, but you are a connoisseur

when it comes to deep fried

chocolate

structural integrity every single chocolate for any chocolate bar in well you're playing with fire then

top 15 deep fine chocolates for me and sterling

This audience just hands up.

They love top 15.

Yeah, they love top 15.

From about 14 to 2, it's really going to feel like they don't love it.

But they're with you.

I mean, it's up to you if you want to attempt it.

Considering earlier on, I forgot the word for wet wipe.

I think 15 chocolate bars is a stretch.

Yeah.

Cream egg would be 15.

Worst.

Okay.

Oh, it's that's bottom.

Bounty, 14.

Okay, we're doing it.

You can't not do it now.

You can't go into 14 and then not finish it in.

Well, Maltesers would be fun, but 13.

They would be fun.

They'd be fun.

It's one of those fun ideas.

They would dissolve in the fat, wouldn't they?

If you think about it.

You need a thick batter.

Yeah, it would just be more batter than anything else.

The 13, 12, Milky Bot.

Yeah,

that's too soft.

You're not getting any of the fits.

Yeah, you're right.

There's a lull, isn't it?

Yeah, but

you've got to hold strong because what they're actually doing is they are fascinated into silence.

They're fascinated.

They're compiling their top 15s in their head.

I've never been anywhere before where top 15s has even a finish.

Yeah.

Why not a top 10?

Glasgow.

Yeah.

They're obsessed with top 15s, not top 5s or top 10s like most people.

It's got to be top 15s.

Yeah.

Top 15s.

Where am I?

You've done four.

12.

11 dairy milk.

10 fruit and nut.

Okay.

Well, that's interesting because you said the nuts.

So nuts and snickers help with structural integrity.

That's why it's above.

The fruit and nut, what's that at now?

What number is it?

Fruit and nuts, 10.

Above the dairy milk, because it's got no structural integrity.

Fruit and nuts 10.

Yeah, but that's quite low down for something with nuts, which, as we know, provides structural integrity.

But

we're nowhere near the new Garbage snacks yet.

Yeah.

Can I say as well?

We are, mate.

What's the Milky Way?

We're commenting a lot on audience reaction, but I would happily have this conversation to silence and carry on because it's

so up my street.

Yeah.

Do you know that?

So we're in the top 10 now.

We're in fruit now.

We're in.

We're in.

This is great.

So number nine.

Dine bar.

Oh my god.

A dime bar.

That would be a soup once it was finished.

Fucking you.

Look, man, you put your head in the dragon's mouth.

You took your life into your own hands there.

We can't do anything for you.

Do you think a dime bar had melted?

It would be a soup with just some caramelli croutons.

But that's rock hard in the middle.

You're talking about structural integrity.

That is like a fucking iron bar.

That is incredible.

Iron brew bar, number nine.

That is not chocolate, Ian.

It's whatever you want.

It's not legal, is it?

So it can be what you want.

Eight.

Chocolate orange, who said that?

Right, we might have a spoiler for the top five.

Chocolate orange.

Deep-fried chocolate orange.

Yeah.

Just eat like a vineyard.

Oh, so

you're not going individual segments battered.

You're doing the whole thing.

No, the whole thing.

I'd dip my hand in like that.

fingers fried worth it yeah worth it

i might lose a hand yeah but it's in the name of science yeah good on you man your your mate from the edamame beans eating a chocolate orange with the foil still on

no i've done it again

so where are we in the list seven now seven now seven star bar Starbar.

Seven.

That was suggested, but that was always going to be seven.

I like like how, as we get closer to the top five and we're running out of things, you're shouting out more because you're so anxious that your favourites isn't going to be in the list.

Please!

Six bounty.

Oh, I thought bounty was.

Ian.

Bounty.

I think

celebrations bounty.

Which tastes better than bounty.

Interesting.

Man, I've never been so glad to have done a top 15 in my life.

This is controversial stuff.

This might genuinely be the most stressed on stage I've ever been in my life.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Five.

Boost.

Boost.

Boost number five.

That's a good thing.

What is interesting about this top 15, and I've seen a lot of top 15s,

is you're running through the list as if you've got it pre-planned in your head.

Hang on, every time you say a number, the first thing that someone else shouts, that's what you say.

Number five, boost, boost.

That's not true.

Number four.

What he said.

Oh my God.

There should be a law passed that that can only be said in a Scottish accent.

That was...

I got a boner when I heard that.

That was incredible.

Absolutely.

A curly whirly boner at that.

Amazing.

Yeah.

I've never heard that said in a Scottish accent.

Never.

It was incredible.

Curly Worley.

It was...

The way he said it, I imagined his eyes literally rolling round in his head.

It was.

It was.

Perfect.

So I looked he just walked up.

Yeah.

And then went back.

You know what?

There's a chocolate bar that I can't believe hasn't been said yet.

And if it isn't, said.

That's what I was hoping would be brought up.

The Kit Kat Chunky.

The Kit Kat Chunky.

Well, we've got spoiler alert.

Uh-oh.

Four.

Oh, there we go.

Now, is it a spoiler alert, Ian, or have you just remembered?

Curly Worley.

Three twicks,

two stickers, one Kit Kat Chunky.

Whoa,

what happened?

What happened to the double decker?

No double decker.

No double decker mentioned.

No Mars.

Mars didn't even make the top 15.

Yeah,

you said we haven't even got to the new Gar base bars yet, none of them made it into the top 10.

The best one

you've already

named

Your best one before that, so I thought, well, at least he's got his number one locked in.

Yeah,

Chocolate Orange never came up again either.

Oh my god!

Yeah, spoiler for the top five, shouldn't have thought so, forgot about it, as soon as somebody shouted out Curly Whirly.

I've never been made to to feel a fool about a thing that's

not known a thing that's not a thing.

Yeah.

I can't believe.

No, you're probably going to school me here.

And we really should move on from deep-fried chocolate bars.

But, and I hate to say I'm going to sound like a novice.

I'm sure you're going to think this is a ridiculous thing.

But tenants come away for not getting deep fried?

Don't even fry it.

It's just perfect as it is.

Is it?

Hey, yeah, it is perfect.

It's one of the best.

It's the best chocolate bar in Britain.

I mean, you talk about structural and I'm not saying that to Panda.

It's the best chocolate bar in Britain.

It's not

a chocolate bar.

Huh?

It's surely not a chocolate bar.

What?

It's a biscuit.

Fucking.

I'm sorry.

What?

Who's this guy?

Are we okay with this?

Sorry.

Sorry.

The Tonis Caramel wafer is a biscuit.

Whoa, so

what the fuck?

Are you even from Gasket?

It's a chocolate bar.

A biscuit?

I'm sorry.

What the fuck?

Yeah, so biscuit, you can have it with like a cup of tea, a cup of coffee.

You can have two or three at a time, like you can with a biscuit.

You've just described a chocolate bar, Ed.

It's a biscuit aisle.

Well,

aisle.

I also, that's another thing thing about Scottish accent.

Never has aisle had so many syllables in it in its entire life.

Ayela.

It should not be in the biscuit aisle.

I can't remember.

Ayela.

I'm going to campaign like people did against Jaffacakes.

Make sure it gets a cake.

What is it if they start hard and go soft?

They're a

cake.

If they start hard and go soft, it's a biscuit.

If they start soft and go hard, it's a cake.

The law decided that.

The law decided that.

Yeah, there was a big.

There was a Jaffa cake case.

You know the Jaffa Cake case.

It's about tax, isn't it?

It's about tax, yeah.

You pay more tax on

that's it, yeah.

They baked a massive one.

Hang on, you just believe everything this audience say.

And actually, you do, you are aware that you haven't got these on an in-ear.

We can hear them too.

This is like you're on Anton Deck's Saturday Night Takeaway and they're telling you everything to say.

They baked a massive one.

Yeah, they baked a massive one.

I don't know if you...

You're talking to us like we haven't heard them every time.

Look, listen,

when you're a boy from Edinburgh, when you hear a Glaswegian accent, you do as you're told.

Jaffa cakes a big deep fried as well.

We should move off this.

Dream side dish, because I've just looked at the clock.

We're at an hour.

We've got over half of it to go.

We've got half left.

This is a...

This is mad.

That's the biggest sidetrack we've done before.

Yeah, that was.

I regret doing that.

Oh, hey.

We all regret it.

Side dish Ian.

Do you know what I keep doing as well?

I keep trying to think which friends I've fully named.

Yeah.

To ask it to get it taken out.

You've not fully named anyone, but I think I feel like how many are they called?

Yeah.

Well,

more than you'd know, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dream side dish.

Thanks for asking.

Yes.

Haggis bonbons.

Very popular on the audience's menus as well.

We were reading through them.

Haggis bonbons, very popular.

Basically, you want deep fries, you want haggis, but you want to come across as

well-to-do.

Yeah.

Never heard of this.

Never did a hoggish bonbon.

Never heard of it.

My favourite is there's a place in Edinburgh called Angels with Bagpipes.

Cool pub on the Royal Mile.

It's part of the witchery.

It's like the pub bit of the witchery.

They do good bonbons.

Can you name your top 15 places to get haggis bonbons?

Probably more confident they could do chocolate bars.

No, yeah, tell us more about

haggis bonbons.

Small, succular, lovely bits of haggis,

fried,

and then they normally come with a dipping sauce, normally a whiskey dipping sauce.

In Edinburgh, we do chippy sauce with it.

A, it's a,

ay, we would have got him out.

If we had gone with you, we could kick him out now and be out after at the right time.

That would have been perfect.

Yeah, normally chippy sauce and then you dip the little circular balls of goodness and you it's there's like the two bites of bonbon is the best size and I think.

You normally get three to four bonbons a serving.

Sometimes they put it on some leaves.

If it's posh.

L-E-I-T-H.

Yeah.

Uh, they put it on that and then they sometimes even there's like little carrot, but it's like cut dead thin.

But you spot it, right?

You can spot it.

I see it straight away.

What's that doing here?

Like predator vision.

Yeah.

What's that cheeky little boy doing?

Flick that away.

Nudge it off.

Predator vision as in the horror movie character.

Ian's not one of the ones you need to worry about.

And I don't really know what else to say on that.

I love Haggis, man.

I came to Haggis too late in life, I think.

When you have to describe it, that's the problem with Haggis, but it's actually delicious.

And actually, despite what this audience thinks, vegetarian Haggis is a triumph.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

They just fear change.

Well, actually, earlier, when someone said vegetarian haggis, everyone did not get the response we were all expecting.

Everyone was like, shut up, it's great.

Really?

Yeah, actually, a lot of people are wrong.

I apologize.

Grow the veggie haggis.

The first time I had haggis, you know when you you buy it from like a supermarket in the in the plastic?

Yeah, and you steam it.

Do you know which one you got?

No, no, I don't know.

But you steam it, and then you put the knife in, and it starts oozing out like a big pimple.

Fuck me, that's satisfying.

Yeah, it's amazing.

The pressure that builds up in that fucker.

And also, the best way to cook it is in the microwave, which is dead quick.

Like, the easiest way to cook it is, in my opinion, the best way to do it.

Oh.

In the microwave for three minutes off.

How much do you ever get because you live in London now

and you speak differently there and you don't like

you kind of denounce Scotland a lot.

How often do you get to eat haggis in London?

I still have it a lot.

Get it set down.

My mum sends me it sometimes.

A care package.

Oh, she does.

What else is in the care package?

Just the big old shoebox full of spag bowl.

Iron brew, tonics tea cakes,

which are great.

Yeah.

Deep fry those.

Deep fried those.

I love a tonics tea cake.

I love a tonnix tea cake.

The dark chocolate ones are my favourites.

Is that controversial?

Said I prefer the dark chocolate tunnels tea cake to the milk ones?

No, the dark chocolate ones are nice.

The ones with jam, we don't trust.

Oh, you don't like the jam one?

No.

That's fair enough.

That's a jammy Dodger, isn't it?

It's a wagon wheel.

Wagon wheel, that's what I'm looking for.

It's a chubby wagon wheel.

Yeah.

A chubby wagon wheel.

That sounds like that does sound like something someone in Glasgow.

Oh, you fucking chubby wagon wheel.

what is that you chubby wagging wheel say that to my face you fucking chubby wagon wheel

that's a great side i love it dream drink ian

um i'll go guines

yeah but from dublin

my wife there's a pub um

sir

it's the same

what is

oh man

no no no no Dublin's much better.

Do you know what?

Ireland, because

my wife's from Ireland, and sometimes they say things like the butter's better in Ireland and like Cabry's chocolate's better in Ireland.

It's wild.

It's not.

It's the same.

But Guinness is so much better in Ireland.

It is.

It's like undeniably better.

I used to be of that thought.

And then I realised I think they're probably the same.

And I'm just being a complete wanker.

No.

No.

No, I think it's just thicker.

I'm sure.

It's

I'm sure

it used to be different because they know how to look after Guinness, they know how to look after the pipes, and they know the right glasses to use.

But I think that school of thought has transferred more over to the UK.

So I think you can get good Guinness in the UK now.

Right.

I think that's bollocks.

I think it's nice in the UK.

But when I first had a pint of Guinness in Dublin, it was like my head was in a Mr.

Whippie machine.

Yeah.

That's what it feels like.

It feels like your head's in a Mr.

Whippie machine.

Yeah, you've always said that, haven't you?

I've always,

I've said a lot of things today, if I'm being honest, and I only regret about 60%.

I don't regret 60% of it.

Yeah, no, I would go Dublin.

Lovely.

A particular pub in Dublin?

Yeah, I like down so

Bray near Dublin.

There's a few pubs down there I really like.

Do you split the G?

I've attempted it.

It's impossible.

No, it's not.

Jesus Christ.

Is that when you drink down to the.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck me, man.

I was at a wedding in Ireland, and a guy came up to me after the main ceremony, really nice bloke.

So,

hey, man, how's it going?

Didn't say he knew who I was or anything.

Just like, enjoying the wedding?

Yeah, cool.

Went into for the meal.

He went, I want to get Guinness.

Do you want to get this?

So, yeah.

Brought it back.

He went, right, you got a drink down to there.

What?

But you're a nice man.

I mean, yeah, you've got to drink down to there.

You've got to do it.

If you can't do it, we'll just carry on until you can do it.

All right.

Tried to to do it I did it in two I was quite pleased with myself he wasn't happy

and then he was getting more and more drunk and then eventually he just went why you ask people popped on bread

I thought oh shit this guy's known who I am all along

he's really got it in for me he's furious yeah

he's drunk a million guines is because he keeps trying to beat me at a competition I'm not playing

splitting the G's a nightmare nightmare, then you've got that sort of gambling thing where, like, then you think,

this time.

This pint.

Sorry.

I'm just laughing at how stupid to remember the name of the place is.

What's the name of the place?

It's called The Harbour Bar.

But I forgot that.

Oh, there you go.

So

we need to put some suggestions up, and one of them was the Harbour Bar.

The Harbour Bar is, oh, there you go.

It's very good.

It's an amazing pub.

Yeah?

It's an amazing pub.

It's got live music on

different types and different areas.

It's like a mind fuck when you're drunk.

Because you're in one gig, it's like live, rocky people, and then you walk into the next room, there's like a guy with a fiddle, and you're like, What's happening?

My life's falling apart.

That's where you want to go.

Yeah, that's what I and it's the Guinness is just next level.

I once went with my father-in-law once, and he we had like so many.

He does have his full name and job,

and anything that he's ever done to disgrace himself.

I'll have a Guinness from Ireland, and it is better.

What do you want on the top?

Oh, for you gotta go with a four-leaf clover, right?

No, no,

they fucking don't do that in Ireland.

They get angry about that shit.

No logo in the foam.

Oh,

is that a fair?

You just got mumbled, my friend.

I was like, hang on, nothing, rubbed.

You asked me.

That's surely the same thing.

I was just yes and then.

I was playing along.

You said

O'Neill's pubs do that and stuff.

It's a bit.

I think it is quite hard to do it, though.

Yeah, I think it is quite hard.

Like getting a love heart in your coffee.

This is the dream restaurant.

You can have whatever you like in the phone.

I want nothing.

Why are you pressuring me?

Well, it just seems a shame that you're ordering a Guinness in the dream restaurant and I can genie up anything in that phone for you and you're having nothing.

I could write a whole Robert Burns poem in there for you.

I want Tear Mouse then.

What?

Tear Mouse.

What the fuck?

I want Tear Mousse.

Yes.

Turin Bassoo?

He wants Tiramasu in the head.

Oh, imagine a Guinness and the head is a tour and masu.

Oh my god.

We've just spotted another gap in the market.

Ed, speak fondly of me at my funeral because I'm in heaven.

That's what I want at the top of my Guinness.

The phrase, speak fondly of me at my funeral because I am in heaven.

Yeah.

That's the good phrase.

Yeah.

Speaking of tour and masu, let's get on to your dream dessert.

I've not, I'm not, I mean,

this is why

I'm not, I'm not, despite everything that's happened tonight,

and there's a lot that's happened tonight, I've not got much of a sweet tooth,

I don't really like desserts, really.

Keep talking, keep talking, Ian.

I'm more

is full of fucking twats.

Alright.

I once went to Fat Duck, the Hess and Blumenthal restaurant, Fat Duck.

Fat Duck, yeah.

And it was a dessert.

Hey,

I'm earning.

Well, I'm not earning.

My wife's earning.

And

there was a dessert.

It was a pillow that floated.

It was floating.

I'm not making this up.

I know this is a dream restaurant, but this is just something that happened.

No, this actually happened.

There was a pillow floating, and the dessert was on the the floating pillow.

Right, that was all they said.

All I remember is I said on the plate, don't touch the pillow.

And this is, well, my wife knows me.

When they brought it over, my wife literally let in and went, Don't touch that pillow.

Because she knew

I was having that pillow.

Anyway, I don't remember what it was,

what was on it.

I don't remember anything.

I just remember the floating pillow.

I don't remember what dessert was on it.

I was just so taken aback by the pillow.

So basically, the point I'm trying to make is I want the floating pillow but I want a cheese board on it

our first live cheese board

take a seat Ian

Take a seat Ian and take your licks my friend this is not going to be nice

this is the first one of the tour.

Yep.

And I wish it wasn't a word that is a sign of affection here, but you're a cunt, mate.

James, but he's having it on a floating pillow.

I did hear that he was having it on a floating pillow because he can't remember the dessert that was on it originally, which is even worse.

But there was a lovely dessert on that floating pillow.

You can't even remember it.

And you're about to put a shitty cheese board on it.

Ian, what sort of cheeses would you like on the floating pillow?

Like the sort of the most, just the most savoury ones.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Good choice, yeah.

Probably more cracker than cheese, really.

Alright, fuck off, man.

No, I'm joking.

I do like a cheddar.

Like a mature cheddar.

Just really mature.

Yeah.

I'd like a Stilton.

Yeah.

And then I'm out of cheeses now.

Doesn't even know cheeses.

He's not in a cheese board.

He knows the main two that everyone knows.

It's called Emmerdale.

I'll have Emmerdale.

What is it?

Emmerdale.

Emmerdale.

He wants Emmerdale.

Mango.

What's it called?

Mangengo.

Mangengo.

He wants Emmerdale.

He wants Mangengo.

Stilton.

Cheddar.

Stilton, Cheddar, Emmerdale, Mangengo.

Mangengo.

What else do you want?

I'll have a baby bell.

Fuck it.

Baby Bell.

I knew we'd end up I knew we'd end up with baby bell it's a lovely it's a lovely cheese board Emmerdale and Mangango

you would not like manjango

I would like manjango not any

manjango

beautiful Spanish cheese man absolutely

it's always

offensive when someone chooses a cheese board but when you can't even name

More than two cheeses.

I named like five then

Yeah, no, you didn't I've got Nudes Flash.

You didn't.

He named five cheeses.

Five.

Two cheeses.

A soap opera.

A made-up word.

You know what?

And then a processed plasticky cheese that everyone knows.

What else do you want?

Any other cheeses?

What ones that like?

Blue.

Don't shout out cheeses for him now.

Hey, Bri!

Oh, Bri!

Aubrey.

Blue.

Blue, you said so you want blue and blue, which is nice.

Blue.

Veiny.

Vaney.

What's the veiny one?

Fucking smurf dick.

What's blue and veiny?

What's blue and veiny?

Oh, what's the meaty-looking one?

It's long and it's smooky and it looks like a sausage.

Smurf stick.

You keep saying it, we'll keep saying it.

You keep setting us up for it.

Do you know the ones?

Jesus fucking smoked.

The ones you get in supermarkets when you can buy five cheeses for a pound, the little smoke one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I like that one.

I love that.

I love that.

Sterling, you used to like host kids' TV.

Yeah,

if those kids,

those kids knew that you were a cheeseboard, motherfucker, they wouldn't have watched any of that shit.

I bet Hacker wouldn't choose a cheeseboard.

Hacker the dog, the OG,

Matt, were just innocent men.

Yeah.

How do you feel that a hacker's done his best work since you've left?

Well, I mean,

I mean, that is true.

It is mad that he sort of carried on and become a sort of stalwart of the BBC.

I'm sort of like the...

What's the...

Rob...

No, Robbie from EastEnders.

What's the...

He got chucked out of Eastenders and he's...

What?

Willard or Wallard.

What's the dog from Eastenders?

Wallard carried on.

I'm like Robbie from EastEnders.

Or whatever his name is.

Dean Gaffney.

Jim Gaffney.

Dean Gaffney.

I don't know.

Fucking hell, I've better luck getting you the name of Cheese.

We've gone past an hour and 20 now, so Ian's forgotten all words.

I've forgotten everything.

James, do you want something to cheer you up?

Yeah, I would like something to cheer me up after that.

Absolutely.

I'll have a Dairy Lee Dunker.

I'll have one of them as well.

Thank you, bro.

Fuck me, man.

Now he's gone.

You're lucky I'm not beating the shit out of you.

Oh, it's another pot.

Got a little message on the screen there.

That to end the show before we do Ian's menu, we have received

a deep-fried marshmallow.

Yeah, boy!

Yeah, boy.

I want it.

Can I film you Zeetanette?

You can.

I mean, I'm not sure where my blood glucose level is sitting now.

I'll do it all if you.

Oh, there's a lot of it.

There are two.

There are two.

There's two of them.

Yeah, you're fine.

I was genuinely gutted if I wasn't going to get a full one.

I need to film us.

You can film us doing it, Ian.

But I would.

Is there not a little bit of manjango for me?

Let me see it.

Don't be joking.

That's not funny.

There's bits of paper stuck to mine.

I've not got bits of paper to mine.

There you go.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers, everybody.

There's absolutely no structural integrity to that whatsoever.

Lady in the trampet, you wish you fucking perfect.

This is delicious.

I absolutely love this.

Yours is more full.

Look at mine.

Mine's baggy.

Oh, yeah.

Ed's got a bad one.

It's covered in paper and there's got no insides.

That's the problem with deep-fried chocolate though.

People sort of go, oh, and they think it's going to be wild, and then they eat it, and it's just really nice.

That's really right.

Can I read what I just said there?

What?

Your team just wrote on the screen,

stop talking and do the fucking menu.

Our team.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Our team will

be a little bit more.

You just sent out some molten caramel for me to eat.

I don't know what else I'm meant to do here.

Ian, I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

James's eyes have glazed over.

I've never

met a menu with a full boner before.

Don't forget all 15 chocolate bars as well, please.

Water, pass.

Poplums of bread, Kima Nan from Mother Mother India with chicken pakora blended dip.

Starter, cheesy truffle risotto from S.

Patty.

Oh, nice to have cheese from the tree.

Main course.

Spaghetti bolognese with an offensive amount of pasta cooked by his mum.

Side dish, hacker sponbons from angels and bagpipes.

Drink, a Guinness from the Harbour Bar in Dublin, in Bray.

Embra, yeah.

Dessert,

never mind.

The off-menu menu of Ian Sterling.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, Glasgow.

You've been absolutely amazing.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you very much.

Good night.

There we are.

Brilliant episode with Ian.

Thank you so much for coming to do it, Ian.

And he is on tour now doing a stand-up show relevant.

Go to IanDoesJokes.com.

That's Ian, one of the crazy Ian's with an extra eye for tickets.

I'll just say IanDoesJokes.com for tickets.

Yeah, the True fans know how to spell Ian Sterling.

Yeah, that's true.

You know?

Bye.

Goodbye.

We get it.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.