Ep 226: Noel Fielding

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, opening a tin of humor ravioli, pouring it into the pan of friendship, heating it up and whacking that on some cheeky toast.

Tinned ravioli on toast podcast.

I panicked, James.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James Edcaster.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week, we're inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Noel Fielding.

Noel Fielding.

An amazing comedian, James, of course.

Look, obviously,

National Treasure Territory.

Yes, I would say.

Obviously,

we are

the age

where when the bouche came out on TV, we were watching it.

All of our friends were watching it.

Everyone was obsessed with them.

So very formative comedy for us.

Absolutely.

Maybe Noel doesn't want to hear that.

Maybe it makes him sound old.

But it's not.

Nah.

He was just doing cool comedy when we were late teens.

Yes, very much so.

And look, he's still doing cool comedy because he's in a brand new comedy series on Apple TV Plus.

It's called The Completely Made Up Adventures of Dick Turpin and Noel is the lead playing Dick Turpin.

Hugh Bonneville's in it as well.

I'm very looking forward to seeing that pairing.

I'm very looking forward to seeing it as well.

It's an amazing cast.

Ellie White's in it, Mark Wooten's in it, Tamzin Grieg's in it, Asim Chowdhury's in it, Joe Wilkinson's in it, Mark Heap's in it.

I mean, it's just this.

Holy shit.

It's an absolute cavalcade.

That'd be fantastic.

Also, Noel has ties to the food world.

McWake

off.

And this is nearly, I mean, not many people left now from the tent that day, worst day of my life.

No.

So we've had.

I've been on it as well.

I had a lovely day.

Yeah, you had a nice day.

Loved hanging out with Noel.

You had a really nice time.

Have you seen Noel

since the tent?

This is the first time.

Oh, man.

First time on this.

So he's worried about coming in here that you're still going to be in that mood?

No, he had a good time.

He didn't mind.

I mean, I'm sure we'll talk about it.

I'm sure it'll come up.

It normally does, even with people who are completely unconnected to it.

But listen, we love Noel Field.

But if he mentions the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable we will kick him out of the dream restaurant we will and this week the secret ingredient is spicy carrot and coriander spicy carrot carrying and ananda soup

i was trying to say at the same time i wasn't sure if we were going with just tasty soup or spicy carrot and coriander soup and then i tried to say coriander at the same time as you but you'd said it so i said coriander and nanda and we should be saying at the same time because that's what they would do crimping yeah that's true they would say it exactly the same time but um too late now we'll never be the bush we're not noel and Julian, and we never will be.

No, no, but they that they did sing Spicy Carrot and Coriander in the soup song.

Yes, um, and so you know, I would be surprised if Noel picks something that is from

that catalogue, but if he does,

he's gone, we'll kick him out, he's gone, mate.

But that'll be a shame.

Uh, but this is the off-menu menu of Noel Fielding.

Welcome, Noel, to the dream restaurant.

Hello.

Welcome, Noel Fielding to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Now, can I just stop you there and say you're the genie and you've just appeared, right?

Yep, yes.

No one rubbed the lamp though, did they?

It's a very, very good point.

You just come out willy-nilly, is that what's happening?

Yeah, and you know what?

Because that's the only rule I remember.

Someone's got to rub the lamp.

You've just got like a door, like a cat flap.

Yeah.

A genie flap.

Yeah.

Okay.

Because you know what?

We just did, we just did a tour, a live tour of this, and we would get the guests to rub the lamp every night.

Yes.

Oh.

And yet,

when we put that in, I was like, we never do this usually.

Yeah.

Why are they rubbing the lamp every day?

The glass is different because on the tour we had a big lamp on stage.

You had a big lamp.

Yeah.

So that's easier to go to a guest.

Right.

Can you rub that lamp as well?

It's a quite dodgy territory these days, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was a lot of rubbing at the tip of the neck of the lamp and stuff.

Twenty years time.

Yeah, well, they forced me to rub that.

Yeah, yeah, it was a movie.

It's a bit weird.

It wouldn't age well, I guess.

But when it's audio only, especially at least you're aware of the genie being a thing, right?

I love you do your own sound effects.

Yeah, that's good, right?

Yeah, that's probably one of the only things you have to be able to do as a genie.

Yeah, yeah.

Do your own sound effects.

Like Robin Williams, he'd do all his own sound effects.

Because I guess if no one's rubbing the lamp, you have to do your own sound effects.

If you are coming through a cat flap, you're just coming out of cat flap and going, pshh.

Yeah.

I like that.

I've got a little cat flap.

Genie flaps.

Lovely.

Yeah.

Do you think I'm chipped?

So it knows it's me.

Yeah.

A little magnet around your car, yeah, yeah.

That's important.

First time I saw you do stand-up, Noel, the first thing you said was about a cat.

Oh, was it?

I remember it because it was like it was before I did stand-up, so I'd pretty much, you know, every gig I went to, you remember, I just come away from it and remembered every single thing.

I remember when I was young and starting, the people I liked, I'd go and see, and I'd remember everything they did.

And now, when I go see a gig, they go, People go, What did he talk about?

And I go,

no idea.

Small stuff,

but I used to be able to do whole Stuart Lee

routines and entire things yeah i used to do a lot of animal stuff basically but it wasn't uh it was you you picked up the mic stand

and the legs went uh oh yeah sort of just folded in and you went oh it's like when a cat when you pick up a cat and it goes all long

and i'll still think about it now if i ever pick up a mic and it does that i'm nothing of noel going oh i've gone all along and doing a depression of a cat

well you can have it

i used to we used to do so much stuff about

animals.

And the only other person really that was, this is when I started, that used to do a lot of animal stuff was Ross Noble.

So we used to sit backstage and if we were on the same boat.

We're talking about animals.

Okay, well, you're going to have unicorn.

But I'm having monkeys.

And we just sort of divvy out all the animals.

There's such a crossover.

All those stories of like old school, the working men's club comics who had like the blackboard of all of the topics and jokes and they crossed them off when they came off.

It's just you and Ross Noble, the whimsical animals.

Yeah, exactly.

And they'll always be like an old school, slightly old school comedian there, just tutting.

Yeah, yeah.

This won't take off what these two are doing.

This is not real comedy.

Also, imagine how furious those comics were.

Because when our generation came, we're the ones who just watched all you guys.

But those old school, it was still the same old school comedians on the circuit when we started.

They hated us.

Oh, my God.

We were even worse because they were like,

we thought this was going to get better.

Yeah, we thought it was a phase.

These guys liked those idiots.

They all go like unicorns and monkeys.

Where are the guys that liked us?

Yeah, yeah.

I do remember the first time I ever saw Eddie Izzard.

I remember watching, it was on Tally, I think.

And I just caught the end of it.

And I remember thinking, I've not heard anything like this.

And then when you go back, you go, okay, Richard Pryor, people, Steve Martin, some people were doing stuff like that, mainly Americans.

I remember when Isard did it, and I remember thinking, oh, yeah, this is not going to be the same now after this.

And there was like a period where everyone was doing Izzard.

I think there's a period of time where not just comedians, but every single student was acting like you.

Yeah.

There was a point where like, I think

everyone knew someone who had consumed so much Mikey Boosh that they basically turned into one of the characters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you go, don't talk to that guy at a party.

It's a weird thing, isn't it?

Because I was the same.

I used to watch my favorite shows like Fry and Laurie and stuff and Black Harrow over and over and over and over and over again.

So you knew every single bit,

which is such an odd with comedy doesn't really work.

It's the element of surprise.

There's something comforting about watching.

And then I would meet people and go, oh my God, I watched the Boosh a thousand of times.

And I just think, and I could never remember anything that we'd written.

They'd go, that bit where you did this.

And I'd be going, I don't remember that.

I'd go, that was Julian, I think.

There's nothing to do with me.

I don't remember.

Yeah, there's so many people who didn't turn up to lectures at uni because all they did was sit in their room watching the bouche bouche on LimeWire.

It's like a different time, though, as well, because now, I guess,

I'm glad it's got back to stand-up.

It feels like it's got back, well, I mean, podcasts are amazing because they're sort of the new way of, you can do so much for podcasts, can't you?

They're sort of, they feel like the right, they're like a sort of laid-back stand-up, a bit more jazzy stand-up.

But I remember when there was, there were programs, people made programs with scripts and rehearsed.

Yeah.

It doesn't seem to be a thing anymore.

And there were loads of people going, I'm not sure that's right.

And they want to change it.

What's this bit here?

And we go, well, it was quite late when we wrote that.

And now it's like, yeah, hey, you'll be fine.

Come in.

Just have a chat.

Oh, but I'm assuming, Noel, there was a script for the completely made-up adventures of Dick Turpin.

Lovely, James.

Which is out on Apple TV Project.

That's truly lovely.

Yeah.

Pretty good, right?

That was, I mean, he's not a genie.

Yeah, he's straight out of the cat flat.

He's out his flat for sure.

My flat-based segue flat was so smooth.

Yeah, there was, it was fun actually to do that.

Again, that was like a, yeah, that was like a real program with scripts.

And I did write a bit as well.

So

I forgot how hard it was to write.

You can spend all day trying to fix one tiny little thing.

And then

it's so frustrating.

But it is satisfying as well, but it's also very hard.

I remember it's like pushing a big boulder up a hill.

Julian and I used to get nothing all day and then we'd leave.

And it was something about the act of leaving that we'd get something.

So we go, well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, we could do this.

And then we'd get undressed and go back in and go, all right, let's stay and write that.

But I don't know.

It's tricky.

Now that I've got family and stuff, it's like, can you just write until midnight or four in the morning?

Is it just you writing on your own?

No, there's a couple of other writers.

So I would just dip in and out now.

Nice.

Yeah, I just dip in and out.

Like I'm sort of some old, I'm so old.

I just come in and go, listen, guys, let me tell you how this scene needs to work.

It was perfect, guys.

They ignore me and just rewrite it.

That's when you get your ideas right when you're leaving.

So if you just keep dipping in and out.

Exactly.

About five times a day.

I'm like the yo-yo.

I'll come in.

Non-stop ideas.

Every time he goes to the door, puts his card on it.

Yeah, I'm off again.

Oh, hang on.

It was fun, actually, because I haven't done that sort of comedy for a long time.

I kept trying to do it again, but after the bouche, I was like, oh, this isn't as much fun.

Or we were all mates, weirdly.

So it sort of just evolved naturally, the bouch.

And then the problem is, is you try and manufacture that again.

It doesn't quite work.

Or it's not, it just doesn't feel the same.

Also, it just all happened in the right way.

It was like Edinburgh, then radio, then tele, then, you know, big shows.

And then, so when you do a normal TV show that isn't that, you go, oh, this isn't as much fun.

Maybe I should not do this kind of show anymore, which is why I ended up doing panel shows and then bake off because I thought, oh, it's something else, you know?

Yeah, and it's different every day.

Yeah.

And also.

Julian was so funny.

Julian was such a strange character because it was a bit like a marriage.

So once it was over, it was like yeah you can still see each other but you can't have sex anymore

it's like

that's over

some sacred time that we look back at and go do you remember when we did that it's like a dream like your dream restaurant yeah like my dream restaurant yes so it is a dream restaurant yes it's not a real restaurant no it's just like your dream dream trying to write a joke about a dream I said, I'm trying to write a joke about leaving my keys in a dream.

Yes.

And then not being able to get get them back.

But luckily, it's a recurring dream.

So I'm waiting for it to come back.

So

I can't quite make it work.

I want to sort of write a joke where I leave my keys in my dream and then I go through all lots of different dreams to get back to the dream where my keys are.

Can't make it work.

As soon as you get up to leave, you'll think about it.

You'll solve it today.

As soon as you're leaving this, you'll go, guys.

I've got it, guys.

I could get a dream capture.

It sounds like another TV show to me.

I think you'd be back in next year to talk about the Dream Keys show.

Maybe I should mention that people say, Retrace your steps.

Yeah, you know, people go, retrace your steps, where were you?

You go, I was actually having a dream.

Maybe they're in there.

There could be a dream guardian, a guardian who keeps the sort of Paul McCartney.

Yeah, like a lost, like a lost property.

Yeah,

he could be back up.

Do you think he'll do it?

He wrote a song in a dream.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

I like

he's got a better handle on dreams than anyone else.

He's had the most amount of like success.

He's had the most dreams of anyone.

Yeah, it's the most successful dreams.

I go for quite long periods, but I don't have dreams.

Do you do that?

Yeah, absolutely.

Like, I mean,

yeah, apparently, two nights ago, I was talking in my sleep, and my girlfriend was like, What were you talking about?

I was like, I can't remember.

Can't remember what it was.

She was like, You're really stressed.

Yeah, my girlfriend said, I screamed once in my sleep.

Wow, he was screaming last night, stuck in your keys.

It's my keys.

You never get them back.

We always start with still a sparkling water now.

Well, here's the thing, right?

I prefer fizzy water, as I call it, in the child-like way.

Waiters don't like to use the word fizzy, do they?

Aha, fizzy.

You mean sparkling?

No, fizzy.

I like the bubbles, but here's what, I've ruined it for myself.

Basically, I got one of those taps where you can have

sparkling water.

And so now I've sort of overdosed on it.

I've just had it all the time.

So it's not special anymore.

Are you waking up in the morning and having a glass of fizzy water?

Just all the time.

Yeah, I'm addicted, but it's like I've had it so much now.

It's like I'm like Caligula, I'm just like, I'm bored of orgies.

So now, occasionally, I have a still water in the way that I used to have a sparkling water.

Oh, wow, that's a treat.

Yeah, still, that's interesting.

So, if you're at a restaurant, you're like, oh, yeah,

I'm out.

I'm gonna have a still.

I do like San Pellegrano.

Is that San Pellegrine?

San Pellegrino.

No, no, no.

I think, leave it as Sam Pellegrano.

It's slightly different.

San Pellegrino.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sam Pellegrano is a man.

The guy

who thought he'd had the idea to make fuzzy water and realised it already existed and just put an A in there.

Sam Pellegrino, yeah.

I like that one.

I like the glass ones.

I think when you try and put fizzy water in a plastic bottle, that doesn't work, does it?

I know what you mean.

I had a great fuzzy water the other day in a restaurant from a glass bottle.

So

I ordered some on Amazon and it arrived in a plastic bottle and it's completely killed the vibe.

And it doesn't taste the same.

No, no, no.

Bubbles don't bounce off the walls

as vividly, I imagine.

Imagine with the glass, they're pinging about all over the place.

Yeah.

Imagine being a bubble, and then someone says, I'm going to put you in a glass container.

You'd feel quite good.

Someone goes, I'm going to put you in a plastic bottle.

You'd be like, what?

Come on.

They can't bounce around.

There's no way.

I don't think that's the same for them.

It's difficult because I still love Fizzy.

I'm going to have to go Fizzy over still though.

But yeah, I've ruined Fizzy by having it in taps.

It doesn't taste the same tap seriously.

Yeah, it's a bit weird.

So for your dream meal, you probably wouldn't want it out of a tap.

No.

Also, I heard

Bob Walton saying that it dried his mouth out fizzy water.

And I thought, how can water dry your mouth out?

No one queried him on that.

And I was thinking,

there's no point.

He won't answer.

I think we'd already done like half an hour before we got to water.

So

just let him say that.

Yeah, we've got to get to sugar and tea.

I think I'm going to go fizzy.

But you know, when people order, you know, people make quite a big deal now about ordering tap water, don't they, in restaurants?

I hate that.

It's really arsy, isn't it?

I'll have tap water, thanks.

Not paying for your water.

You're like, you're in Hesdom Blumenthal.

It's not going to hurt.

I'll have tap water, thanks.

But really, Arrick.

Well, you never know what Blumenthal's going to do to the water, though, do you?

Tap water.

It's like, can I just is there a pond around here?

Just go and take this ladle and just get it.

Well, for you, if you order tap, you could mean fizzy water.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that's what you're used to.

Yeah, that's true i mean if you can get fizzy water in your taps why don't you just get um bongo or something yeah that's a good point soda it feels like the sky's the limit if we're getting if we've just got sparkling water

sparkles anyway i mean imagine that would that be would um bongo be the dream thing to have at the tap so that's a sort of dirty pink fruity liquid purely for the song yeah

would it play the song every time you pour yourself a glass yeah the only good thing about having it come out of your taps is you go do you want some water and when people come around you go sparkling?

And they go, oh,

this guy's got some quality about him.

But imagine going, on bongo, dressed you in some mbongo.

I've got it piped in.

They'd be like, oh, this guy's a serial killer.

But you're one of the few people that people go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got mbongo coming out, makes sense, yeah.

No field in his house, he had mbongo coming out of his taps.

He washes with it.

He has a full shower, the shower.

It's

one of the stickiest men you could ever meet is it still a thing on bongo i think it is is it i think it is yeah i haven't seen it in ages you can still get it you still is the carton the same yes it's pretty much the same have they done that thing though this is what i don't really like about all those weird things from the 70s and 80s were quite unhealthy but they were delicious and then they sort of go

hey we're still party rings but we're pretty healthy now and you go

your party rings dude you don't need to go yeah it's like there's they've sort of gone quite dull remember party rings were luminous almost yeah you can sort of see your way through a dark forest with a party ring it's like it'd been laminated with plastic properly like a party ring was nuts but like party rings are now quite dull they're sort of a weird yeah google party rings benito google image they used to be so bright they were they were luminous yellow yeah you knew they were bad for you but they tasted amazing yeah they were the colour of mr blobby yeah do you think they have changed because you know how like when you're a kid everything seems bigger do you think it's also a case of when you're a kid, everything seems brighter?

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah.

Your eyesight goes as you get older.

Yeah.

Party rings are duller.

Yeah, that's not.

That's not how I remember it.

Yes, green brightness turned up to max.

Yeah.

They're almost muddy.

They're muddy looking.

That's a dark pink, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's not good.

Oh.

That's where the brightness turned up to max.

The yellow's still quite good.

It's all right.

I'd like to liquefy those and have them coming out of my taps.

Yeah, that'd be good.

I can make that happen for you as Legini if you want.

Do you want that to water pulling it?

Liquefied party rings?

We'll change it to that.

Yeah, sounds good.

But the ones from the 70s and 80s.

Yeah, the ones that are luminous.

70s and 80s.

Liquefied, coming out of your tap, shower in it.

For my baths.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have a bath in it.

Because I imagine if you have access to a genie, you could say, would you draw my bath for me, please?

Well, I'm having a bad one.

Yes, but you've got to be careful when wording wishes to genies.

Yeah.

Because obviously I would just draw your bar

on a pad.

Oh, I see.

And then I'd go, there you go.

That's what you wished for.

And you'd be like, You

tricked me, one of my wishes gone.

Just

yeah,

there you go.

I've drawn you a button.

You've got a picture of it.

It's a liquefied party ring bar, so it's quite good.

It's quite a nice drawing.

I've got a photo of that now,

at least a selfie.

Poplums or bread, pop-loves or bread, no, Felden.

Pop loves or bread.

Oh my god, poplums of bread.

Bread.

I've got to be for you.

You can show your face in that tent again.

I'm not allowed to.

Contractually, I'm obliged to say bread.

i did say on the show i said no one eats bread anymore do they under 40 no one under 40 eats bread and was terrified of bread i don't want bread in me look at me if i put bread in me

but like paul hollywood makes his own bread obviously every day and he always says if you make your own you don't put any of the bad stuff in it it's healthy

it's good for you in fact and i'm thinking i'm not 100 sure it's good for you i don't believe he looks great he looks great hollywood sure but you know that's his blue eyes though yeah it's the eyes.

You could put those eyes in anything, couldn't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Still be

hypnotising.

They're like party rings.

I imagine Paul Hollywood holding two party rings over his eyes and looking through them and go.

Oh, my God.

Like a bush baby.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think a little bush.

They're so blue.

Sometimes he catches me looking at them.

Yeah, I bet.

He's like, what?

And I'm like, nothing.

They are blue.

I think maybe as blue as Paul Newman's.

Yeah.

Oh, easily.

It's nuts.

They're like a husky's eyes, you know, sort of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like Game of Thrones style eyes.

They're a little bit scary, actually.

A little bit zombie.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

They're outscary.

They're unsettling.

They're not necessarily kind eyes.

No.

No.

Cold.

And we've had him in.

He was very lovely.

Yeah.

They're not kind eyes.

Didn't remember.

He didn't remember you.

Didn't remember you.

He's like, I know you've been on Bake Off, but I can't remember what happened.

I was like, are you kidding me?

I had a fucking meltdown, Paul.

Didn't remember.

The first thing you said when you got here, you said, last time I saw you was mid-breakdown, wasn't it?

I was like, yes, thank you, no.

Thank you for remembering it.

It's nice.

Do you know what?

You held it together quite well because I knew you were struggling, but

I didn't know the full capacity.

Yes.

But you were...

Was I aggravating the breakdown?

No, it was great.

You were the only person who, at least to my face, was constantly finding it funny.

Yeah.

so everyone else was kind of like it was hilarious like okay this guy's not doing great we maybe need to keep an eye on him and every time you came up to me you were just laughing non-stop

very interesting whether it was on camera or off camera well you were using it you used it yeah yeah yeah i was leaning into it and i think you recognized that and were like well is this this is funny it was like that thing you know when someone's tripping and having a bad trip and people say we'll go with whatever they're talking about and start asking them about what meetings they've got tomorrow because they're going to freak out yeah so they go

i've got a lion's mane and you go you have got a lion's mane but that's a good thing you know

don't start going what time have you got a bit of work tomorrow because yeah you're going to make it

yeah i mean when i was like yeah i icing eggs and stuff yeah yeah you were icing eggs no i was just like cool and who's this egg that's proof yeah it is proof that does look like proof you know

it was kind of amazing it was like art what you were doing yes it was like performance art and what you were making was like sculpture, like art.

And when you've been in the tent as long as I have, seven years, you get less for manslaughter.

But when you've been in the tent as long as I have, it's quite interesting when someone just goes, no rules.

I'm just going to stop

using this food as my playground.

Yeah.

The devil's playground.

That was by the final, whatever, yeah, the showstopper.

But I mean, the technical was the...

the pig breakdown

uh when you were coming over and being like so how many of these have you have you made?

I was like, I've made none of them.

No,

I don't know why anyone would ever fucking bake.

I don't get it.

You know what?

The weird thing about baking is, right?

And they keep threatening to do this to me.

I don't know anything about baking at all.

Other than theoretically, I probably am quite a powerful bacon.

I know everything, but I've never tried it.

So

I think it's one of those things that unless you bake a little bit, you can't just come in and completely wing it.

Yeah.

But I think comedians know they can wing things sort of quite good at improvising.

So they think I can wing baking.

It's like science.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's improvising.

You just get deeper and deeper into the madness of baking.

And so they always go to me, you should go on it.

You should go on the celeb one just for a joke.

And I'm like, that's not, I don't, that won't be funny.

That'll be.

Have you seen

this episode?

It'll be like that.

When I did it,

Matt was on because there were loads of...

Yeah, and he was having a breakdown again.

Yeah,

he was not happy with all of them.

me told me to fuck off

because i just came up i was laughing at him he's like fuck off and he went i'm really sorry i'm just really stressed and i was like are you joking but like it really got to him yeah and i think he felt extra pressure because he was supposed to be good or something right whereas i just literally they go you've got to come on the show today as a baker and i go not happening not happening i will make a genie cat flap

but i'm not baking for anyone sandy had to fill in for big nasty the series i think the day before i came in to do mine yeah they were like big nasty did day one and didn't turn up on day two

and sandy had to fill in for him i mean if you ever think you're loose you know painting doing comedy big nasty i don't know how it's really funny but i don't know how he gets from a to b

it's just remarkable i think he thought i was neil from the young ones i was like that was in the that was like in the 80s i'd be be like 90.

But he was just like, you're Neil, aren't you?

From the young ones.

And I was like, no.

That guy, Nigel Planer, is about 75 now.

But like, when you say that to him, he just goes, yeah, yeah, Neil.

And that's it.

You're Neil from the Young Ones.

So like, his reality is whatever he says.

Yeah, it's amazing.

So what kind of bread are we talking?

Do you want it from the bake-off tent?

Do you want Paul Hollywood to bake it?

Oh, you know what?

He did help me make a loaf once.

I've made a loaf once.

Yeah.

And he got behind me like in ghost.

You know, it was quite essential.

That's good.

These big hands, like lion's paws, these blue eyes.

I could feel them boring into my neck.

And

I made quite a good loaf.

And I made toast.

I love toast.

Yeah.

It's a thing for me.

So what I'm going to say is garlic bread.

Lovely.

This is a bit perverse because everyone thinks I'm a vampire.

So it's a bit like an obscure form of self-harming.

Yeah, I'm a vampire and I eat garlic bread.

It's not bad for you.

I'll be fine.

I think

I really like toast and I really like garlic.

I'm half French, so maybe that's why, but I really like garlic.

So I like making my own garlic bread and I make it too strong.

Definitely.

Everyone I've ever made it for is like, oh my God.

You know, like some people are panicking about, I'm going to, I'm going to smell, my breath's going to smell of garlic.

And some people are just like, oh, when you have strong garlics like ginger, sometimes sort of can send you into the future for a few seconds.

Yeah, clears all your pores out.

It's like something happens if you go into almost into a trance.

I imagine like when shaman eat roots, it's that sort of thing.

You sort of go, have you ever had an old garlic bread?

All the shaman come round for it.

I'd imagine it's like not that far, like probably like five minutes into the future, your garlic bread.

It's almost pointless.

You just go forward to when you're finishing the garlic bread.

It's like you just miss the end of the show you're watching and then you're really annoyed and you can't get back.

That is the most annoying amount of time to go into the future.

Two and a half minutes.

Two to four minutes, yeah.

Two to four minutes.

I was boiling an egg and then I don't know what happened.

Now I'm in the future.

It's different in the future, isn't it?

Two and a half minutes into the future.

It's exactly the same.

No, I heard you went into the future.

What's changed?

Well, party rings aren't as good.

I'll tell you that right now.

How much garlic do you put in them?

What's your recipe for your garlic bread?

About six, six

garlic?

six chunks six chunks

well there's the garlic isn't there what are the sections called cloves cloves yeah there's the bulb the bulb and the cloves the bulb yeah oh i like that yeah the bulb yeah the garlic bulb well i i love breaking the garlic bulb yeah it's fun it's like a tangerine that won't a stubborn tangerine safety case chocolate orange

i like breaking i like breaking the bulb as well

But it's annoying when you're like, I've got a good one here and it comes out as a little baby one.

Yeah, that's not good, is it?

I like that.

I like peeling.

It's very satisfying, isn't it?

Yeah.

You sort of break the bulb, all comes open.

And then you pick, you select the best chunks, don't you?

The best clothes.

And then you think, well, that one will probably send me two minutes into the future.

That one may be four, a bit bigger.

And you have to peel the actual

skin.

There's all that sort of excess, weird skin, like dry skin.

Yeah, but that's why it becomes

easy.

Sort of snake shed its skin.

If they come off like full panels, that's great.

Yeah,

when they've stuck to the actual thing itself and you're having to peel it off shred by shred,

that's upsetting.

And what is that?

Is that because it's been in the drawer for too long?

Yeah.

I think you put it in the drawer for too long.

Because how long does garlic last?

I mean, I'd say I get rid of it when it starts growing the tendrils out the top.

Yeah.

The big green tendrils.

Yeah, yeah.

Speaking of women's bastardly fair.

Yeah, when you wake up and the garlic's like tickling, tickling your cheeks.

When I was a little kid, my mum had this really big cheese plant, and it was sort of, it was over by one wall, but in time it sort of got so big that it was kind of half over the door.

It was like the door frame was here and it was sort of edging in.

And I was just the right height so that every time I walked past it, it was like it just touched my bum.

It's like I was being molested by a cheese plant.

It's horrible.

It's weird.

And then we moved it and it just died.

It's like we'd had it for 10 years.

It was amazing.

We moved it to a different part of the house and it just went right.

Fuck you.

Your butt was keeping it alive.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

If I can't touch that child,

12-year-old's butt, I'm out.

Like, not worth living anymore, man, without a 12-year-old's butt.

Killed itself.

I don't even know how you kill yourself, you're a plant.

You've got no control over your own water intake or light.

Well, I'm stopping photosynthesis.

Maybe that's where it was getting its

if the sun shone out of your ass, Noel.

Maybe

that's where it was getting

its vitamin D from.

Straight out your butt.

Vitamin B.

Vitamin butt.

Yeah, it's got I think about that cheese plant quite a lot.

That's my first relationship.

Not as much as it used to think about you, I imagine.

Yeah.

That's all that happened.

Or when you were at school, just sitting there.

I can't wait until he gets back.

I wonder if what he's going going to be wearing is it the liverpool shorts

the failure track suit

well every track needs a failer track suit for that track for that cheese club

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Let's start your dream menu proper.

Your dream starter, Noel.

Okay, well, I thought about this.

And you know what?

I really like fruit.

I don't really like food.

I just want to say,

I'm quite eyes and ears.

I like, if you think about the senses, my eyes, I love looking at things.

I can hear really well.

I can hear like someone folding a map in the next street.

I've got really weirdly good hearing.

It's like super hearing.

I don't really like smelling things and I don't really like putting things in my mouth.

It's just I have a bit of a weird thing.

I don't like feeling full.

I'm waiting for them to invent tablets, you know.

I sort of can't wait for NASA to start sort of doing pop-up restaurants, you know, so that you can have food in those tubes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like dried astronaut food.

I can't wait for that.

Really appeals to me.

So you must love a frube, then that must be surely.

Oh my, there were these things in the 70s called swizzle swizzlers or swizzle sticks, and it was like the stick that you could eat, and then the two packets of sherbet cherry, I think it was, and lemon.

And you would eat the sherbet off the stick and then eat the stick.

Yeah.

It was one of those free with the beano ones.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

I loved those.

Loved them.

Little sachets.

And I mean, I used to fantasize about, you know, just all food becoming like that.

Sasha-based.

Yeah, or tablet-based.

That's a scrambled egg.

There you go.

Yeah.

It's roasting it.

And I'd be quite happy with that.

Yeah.

You know, a lot of my friends are foodies.

My wife's a foodie.

Julian was a foodie.

Julian was almost like audiastic.

It's like he'd be going, oh, oh, you know, have you tried this?

And it's just like, you know, almost rolling about the table.

Yeah.

Just like ordering loads of stuff that you couldn't eat, especially in curry houses yeah like just so many dishes and you know you're not going to get through them and just almost in a reverie and a trance and i'd be like

my half a corner

i'm done now i need to go away

so i thought about starters and i thought i really like fruit but people always have fruit at the end of a meal yeah i guess and i think it's better for you if you have it at the beginning yeah so i thought i'll have some fruit to start me off yeah

and i thought i like lychees so i'd like a refreshing bowl of light cheese.

Lychees?

That sounds absurd.

It's our first time that a bowl of light cheese has got a shout out, I think, in any course.

A bowl of light cheese.

A bowl of light cheese.

A bowl of peeled light cheese.

You don't want to peel them.

I don't want to peel them.

They're quite stubborn, the skin.

Yeah, but it's garlic.

You enjoy the peeling, right?

I do.

But not, you know, the satsuma is so, so satisfying, isn't it?

The loose satsuma.

The easy peelers, yeah.

When it takes his jacket off.

I love that.

But I feel like the lychee, you're getting a tiny bit every time.

And you're just thinking, this is ridiculous.

But I love the way they look because I'm all about the eyes, really.

And I love the way they smell.

It's like perfume, isn't it?

Really odd.

Yeah, they smell.

It's like something almost you shouldn't put in your mouth.

They smell like sort of rubbers or erasers or they smell like some sort of perfume your mum used to wear.

Yeah.

And you go, this shouldn't go in your mouth.

Funny texture as well.

Really weird texture.

They're satisfying.

Yeah.

Weird colour.

They're like eyeballs or something, aren't they?

They are.

The only time I really see them used is when people are like making Halloween things where you put your hand in a box and go, Oh, this is eyeballs, and it's just

that sort of grey colour, yeah, really odd.

It's flashy, though, isn't it?

It's really fleshy.

I like that, and I love the smell, I love the taste, and I love it when they've been peeled for you.

I think sometimes in an Indian restaurant, they'll give you light cheese as a dessert.

So, if you were in an Indian restaurant with Julie and you're just watching him eat, I'd have one light cheese.

You've already been eating 50,000 booners,

you know, 50,000 booners yeah just I literally this is a true story I think when me and Sergio went to the snooker to watch Ronnio Sullivan once and he hadn't been playing for a long time and he came back and he was winning he was in the final he hadn't done any practice and I remember at the interval we said to him all right Ronnie he went yeah you ain't you sticking around he said at the interval I'm gonna go

go for a courier I'm gonna get a bona

flat he wasn't even thinking about the match

just thinking about a booner.

I couldn't done any practice and he won.

It's like so annoying for everyone else.

It's amazing, isn't it?

I know.

A booner with Ronnie O'Sullivan.

Did you have a Booner with Ronnie O'Sullivan?

No, sadly, we couldn't.

And I think this is because we had to get back because I think it was when Serge's girlfriend was pregnant and was about to give birth any moment.

So we wanted to get back in case it happened.

So we sadly, we couldn't go for a Booner with Ronnie O'Sullivan, which is one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd love to have a Boona with Ronnie O'Sullivan.

But then I sort of got him to read something out for me, did a voiceover for this character that I did on the show called Fantasy Man, and it was one of the funniest readings of all time because he just did it straight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he did it.

He read it.

It was like a paragraph.

It had a few jokes.

And at the end, he sort of sighed like you went.

That's what we caps it here.

Great.

That's amazing.

But yeah, so in Indian restaurants, sometimes you get those like just what I what I'm saying is they it feels clean that food.

I like clean food.

Yeah.

Refreshing.

I feel like almost, you know, when they take the stone out, they've peeled it.

Yeah.

It's almost like I want a small gerbil or a mouse to wear those light cheese, like fists, get inside me and just wash my organs.

Okay.

That sounds really weird, doesn't it?

It's escalating.

Well, do you want that in the dream meal?

Do you want the gerbil or the light?

Do you want the gerbil wearing the light cheeky boxes for cleaning?

Is it a marsupial or a mouse?

Marsupal feels more gerbil.

Yeah, it's a

Is a gerbil a marsupial, it isn't it?

No, what is it then?

It's not got a marsupial.

It's got a pouch, I think.

Does it?

Yeah.

Gerbils have pouches, by the way.

I think a gerbil is a marsupial.

What the?

Or is it a desert rat?

They're rodents.

Rodents.

I've got that wrong.

They're living a lie.

How many people have you told that a gerbil is a marsupial?

Oh, no.

Quite a lot.

And people have gone, I always thought it was a rodent.

I know.

It's one of those things.

You've got a pouch.

So the gerbil wears two lychees on either fist yeah get i don't know how it's getting inside me yeah which one you want it to mask up right you want to have a covet mask on as well if it's doing this

i would imagine

yeah i'd imagine you want that if you still have a hat that doctors with long hair wear yeah yeah

well wearing their plastic hat and the shower well i always imagine it dressed as a boxer because it's

it's got the shorts yeah silk shorts and maybe a headband yeah yeah and a mouth guard So I've got a nail mate on my sewing machine, silk boxer shorts,

tiny COVID mask,

shower cap for its hair.

Yep.

Because it's got a mullet.

Yeah.

This is Australian because it's a marsupial rodent.

And then it wears them like fists.

It wears them like boxing gloves.

Gets inside me.

We're not sure how yet.

Yeah.

What do you want?

Through the mouth or the Richard Gear?

Oh, man.

Let's go up the Richard Gear, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

You have a genie, so you could just, the genie could just zap it straight into your stomach rather than having to insert it into your anus.

And then it washes my organs the way someone would wash a car on a hot summer's day.

Yeah.

With a bucket full of lychee juice.

Yeah.

Oh, so it's also dipping the lychee boxing gloves in lychee juice.

Yeah.

And then just using them like squeegees.

Working its way up.

And how long do you think it would take the gerbil?

To do all of your organs.

Wash all of your organs.

A couple of days.

Yeah.

So that's a long start.

Yeah.

So I'm under.

You're under.

Yeah.

When you come to, you feel incredible.

Yeah, yeah, really.

You would, actually.

Yeah.

That's my kind of starter.

Yeah, that's a good start.

Yeah, you're going to feel great.

Yeah, refreshed.

Your dream main course, Darwin.

Dream main course.

Okay, so there's a place in Big Sur.

I went to America and I went to Big Sur and there was a place where all the beat writers used to eat.

I used to eat hamburgers there.

Kerouac.

Richard Broughtigan used to go there, who's my favourite writer.

And I just sort of, I was very excited about going to eat somewhere where all these beat writers and cool people had eaten.

It's called the Nepenthe.

Nepenthe.

And it's basically the view is just mountains.

Beautiful place.

And the hamburger is supposedly, everyone just would say, you've got to go there for a hamburger.

it's the greatest hamburger of all time and i do quite like hamburgers but so i went there and the waiter came over and i said uh i've heard the hamburger is really good and he literally went well little brother we've been

this is true we've been making them for 50 years so it should be

he was like shaggy from scoopy

gee scoop

you gotta get the burger he was amazing yeah he was animated animated.

I don't know how they did that.

When he suddenly did that, you must have been done by then.

I was in.

I was like, who's this guy?

And then he was doing, there were so many people then.

It was just him.

He was the only waiter.

And he was sort of bobbing about.

And I just kept saying, I don't care about the food.

I just want that guy to come back.

Every time he came back, it was the most amazing experience.

of my life.

And then I did have the burger and it was the greatest burger.

Amazing.

Well, it was like, I don't don't really, you know, like nowadays, they always have very tall burgers, don't they?

You know, you go into a burger place, gourmet burgers are very tall.

They're almost like they have to sometimes put that stick in to eat them.

So they don't topple over.

And you can't, how do you eat those?

I don't know what.

There's too much stuff in there.

Yeah, I'm not afraid of it.

I quite like the little flat burgers.

Who's the fella in Popeye?

Is it Wimpy?

Yeah.

He used to say, I'll gladly pay you Friday for a hamburger today.

Do you remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And his hamburgers look nice.

Yeah.

He really wanted a Wimpy hamburger.

Is that was Wimpy named?

It must be.

Yeah, maybe.

That can't be a coincidence, can it?

He was called Wimpy, wasn't he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he looked like W.

C.

Fields.

He looked drunk as well, didn't he?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'd gladly be here.

Something was going on with him.

Yeah.

If they're done.

Oh, my friend.

He had a weird way of speaking.

Yeah.

Like W.

C.

Fields.

Like the waiter.

Well, my friend.

Oh, the waiter was out of control.

Whoa, little brother.

Little brother.

Scooby He had such a good voice.

I can't believe it.

UK comedians, we tend to like, we go abroad, especially America, and like people don't know who we are over there.

And then you get more character.

I think you encounter more characters.

You do.

And I think here, if you went into a restaurant and they've got a weird waiter,

they're like, do you want to go over to Noel Fielding?

No, I'm not doing it.

Yeah.

I'm too weird.

You think they're self-aware enough?

I'm too weird.

I'm too weird for Fielding.

He'll love it.

yeah he'll use it and we'll talk about it on a podcast i'm not going over that whereas that guy's just like who's this i don't know who this bloke is well brother

and like and it's like yeah you get to have that treat again like before you were famous you're like oh this is great i get the weird guy

there was a guy in a restaurant called the gay hussar i think it's closed down now that was in Soho and lots of politicians used to go there and and I think they did some deal where if you were in a theater show in Soho or in London you could get a cheap meal before if you were an actor so it was a 60s thing they were famous in the 60s and 70s and it's called the gay hussar and it's polish food i think and the guy that ran it the sort of matri d

was one of the weirdest people of all time and we used to go there just for him and he would just say obscure things like a stand-up and then just leave and just hover over to your table and go excuse me what uh it says you can get baked beans here and he'd go what's that about And he'd go, well, if you're interested in the greatest baked beans of all time, then this is definitely a dish that I would recommend.

And then he'd just leave.

And then he'd say really weird stuff.

Like, John Major was in here a few months ago and I saw him enjoying the beans.

And then he'd sort of be gone, like he'd be come over and he'd be gone.

And then he started talking about, he found a card on the floor, donor, kidney donor card.

And he went, i could never give my organs away

i'm gonna list a bunch of uh people that you've worked with and you tell me who's met the man who's met him oh okay fulture yeah fulcher's definitely met him berry he's a bit like fulchery weird i was gonna say he sounds like a fulture character yeah yeah

julian definitely don't think matt berry ever oh but i think matt berry might have experienced he's a quite a so-ho character matt berry yeah i think he might have known about him but i don't think he ever went with me.

Farnaby?

Definitely.

Yeah.

Farnaby and Julian were quite tight.

Yeah.

So Farnaby would have met him with them.

Interchangeable.

Yeah.

Tall northern men with small eyes.

They were very tight.

Alex Lowe.

Alice Lowe ever met him?

I would say yes.

Weirdly, the Garf, the Merengues, the Boosh.

It was like we were MC5 and they were the Stooges.

And they got a record deal before we did.

And we were furious.

It's like, hey, these young guys are amazing.

And the channel 4 went, yeah, we'll have them, not you.

We were like, wait, Zach, that's not what we meant.

We used to play the Hen and Chickens, and Matt Berry would come along and do a weird act, and then Garth would open for us.

Yeah, it was a strange old night.

You can imagine it either was amazing or the worst thing anyone's ever seen because if people weren't into it, then there was nothing else coming on.

Yeah,

it's like the man who owns the gay husband, isn't it?

And now,

from Big Swear, hey, Lol Brother.

I'm not this guy.

I've just been shown here the famous Ambrosia burger.

Yeah, that's it, yeah.

The famous Ambrosia burger.

It is absolutely incredible.

Is it like a smashed patty?

Yeah.

See, that's that's in now.

That's back in.

Is it?

Yeah.

Smashed patty.

For a while, it was like, like you say, the big thick burgers, the tall burgers, putting an onion ring in, all that stuff.

Yeah.

And now

it's back to smash.

I love the little

burger.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're quite cheap in America, those burgers, but they still taste quite good.

There's a lot more pride in their burgers there, in making a good burger.

And there's, you know, there's places here that get that now.

Yeah.

There's some really good burgers now

in the UK.

But for a while, it was just like Byron Burger or whatever.

It seems like

they're the best burgers.

I couldn't get on board.

No, I couldn't get on board.

Weird.

Go to...

Black Bear in Brixton.

Black Bear?

Their miso burger.

Yeah, that's insane, though.

Miso burger.

What's what?

This is witchcraft.

What's that?

A miso burger.

That might be the best burger I've ever had.

Yeah, it's incredible.

That sounds like one of my jokes.

There's a black bear in South London who's handing out miso burger.

I could close with that

at the end of giving you a key.

Perfect closing.

Ow.

Oh, that's my key.

What is your dream side if it's not the baked beans then?

Well, I mean, I'm thinking that it should be the baked beans.

I really like mashed potato, baby foods fielding.

My ex-girlfriend used to call me.

I used to like Farley's Rusks.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're still quite amazing.

Have you ever had one recently?

Not recently, though.

They're still good.

And they've got a bit of NASA in them.

They're in like a foil.

Yeah.

There's a carbon packet and then there's a foil protective.

To make them keep for ages, right?

I guess you can.

And they're still quite malty.

They've got like a nice sort of, I like that malty.

I'm a sucker for malt.

I like a malt milkshake.

I love a chocolate malt milkshake.

I mean, in a way, I haven't included that, but...

It's one of my favourite things.

But I like mashed potato.

My dad makes really good mashed potato.

It's the best mashed potato, really.

And whenever we're at a restaurant, it was like a family thing where we'd always go, let's see if the mash is as good as dad's.

And it never would be.

Yeah.

Occasionally it would, but we'd always say his was better.

It's not as good as yours, dad, thinking this is much better.

i had really good gordon ramsay mashed potato once yeah in claridge's or somewhere i remember thinking oh ramsey's nailed the mash yeah

he wasn't in obviously it was his stuff but you don't know he might have been in he might have been in sometimes he's in it's definitely his recipe though yeah and i've had you know

obscene mash you know mash that's so runny you're just going this is a drink I need a hip flask for this and is it puree I don't know what that is it's like what's this I need a pint of mash.

Yeah, no.

It's too much.

Yeah, I'm not.

I'm not.

See, I don't mind the runny mash.

You like the runny mash.

It's more like a sauce.

Yeah, and also the French one where they put, I don't know, I can't remember what it's called now, where they put like so much cheese in it, it almost becomes like a potato fondue.

Cheese.

I love that sticky potato cheese glue.

I love it.

Onion mash.

Yeah.

I do like the mashes, but I think the puree one's a little bit too runny for me.

It's like soup.

And then, but

maybe a hip flask of mash.

You like a hip flask of of mash?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, if it's not the runny mash, how are you going to get the mash out?

You're going to take a swig and nothing's going to...

It's going to have to be the runny mash, isn't it?

Who would do a good runny mash?

Heston.

Heston would do a runny mash.

I went to a pop-up restaurant at Heston's once.

It was 18 courses.

I was done after three.

I was so angry.

I went through such a series of emotions.

I think I cried at one point.

It's like torture.

I went with loads of my friends who were real foodies and they were loving it.

And me and my other one friend were going, oh, no, please, no more.

There was like four desserts.

And at that point, you were so full and you hated yourself.

You'd actually,

at one point, they brought a mirror and you just looked at yourself and reassessed, re-evaluated your life on this planet.

This is you now on course 15.

And you're like, you used to get naked and just look at yourself in the mirror.

And then there were so many, the palate cleansers were like courses in themselves.

So there was only, there were like four palette cleansers and 17 courses.

The desserts were like ridiculous.

They were like gold leaf sort of, you know, I don't even know what they were.

There was some bell that was made out of gold leaf.

It was insane.

But I remember just at the end, I was like, I was so angry with Heston because I just was like, this is horrible.

And then I saw him about a week later at Jimmy Carr's party and I couldn't look him in the eye.

I was like, I can't even look at this guy.

It ruined me.

Because I really don't like feeling full.

Yeah.

I mean, that story was told to the wrong guys.

That sounded like absolute hello.

Yeah, apart from being at Jimmy Carr's party, everything else sounds great.

But you think you'd be able to nail the

hip flask of mash.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, good mash, though.

So I think we should whack that in a hip flask.

Yeah, no.

I should probably say to Heston, I want it to taste exactly like my dad's mash.

Yeah.

But be runny.

Runny enough to drink.

Yeah, look, that's purifying.

I'd probably figure out a way of doing that with science.

Yeah.

They probably could, couldn't they?

And then get a little hip flask made of meringue or fondant.

I should like to eat that at the end as well.

Yeah, you got to eat the hip flask.

Meringue slash.

When you open it, that sort of dry ice cream.

Yeah, you need a bit of that.

It was made of rusks.

The hip flask.

A rusks.

A rusk.

A rusky hip flask.

Charlie's rusk.

Yeah.

A hip flask filled with runny.

Runny Heston mash.

Runny Heston slash my dad's mash.

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your dream drink noel even though you just had a hip flask full of runny matting that is my dream drink isn't it you know what when i was a little kid you could get these 10p ice poles

they were cheap as chips i don't know

and any news agent you would open that coffin you know that yeah and you could get this quite fat yeah ice poles i don't know if they were ice pops or ice poles poles poles ice poles well i was yeah.

They were long.

Oh, that's what we called them ice poles.

They were really bright colours.

Yeah.

Like blue, the bright blue one.

The bright blue one.

That looked like that was quite space foodie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was like NASA's pop-up restaurant.

And so basically, but there were these fat ones at the 10p.

So we used to go and play in the summer holidays when we were young, we used to go on our BMXs to, this is our old home, and then we'd go and play tennis.

We'd get the tennis court early.

So we'd go to this part where there was a tennis court.

And you had to get in there quick, otherwise you wouldn't get the court.

So it'd be like five of us playing all day.

We'd have like like a pound for lunch so like you'd have some crisps and a miles bar and the rest of it you'd just spend on maybe a tango or a fanta probably in those days yeah and then you'd have like 20p left and you'd get two ice poles yeah and they were i don't know what they were they were probably just all food colouring chemicals and stuff chemicals

absolutely chemical water was chemicals in it

it was a lemonade one

so good the juice from that yeah and i always used to think why can't you just get this as a drink i mean you can but it's just that little bit at the end yeah bag yeah see-through sleeping bag with the juice at the end so you save that for the end and you drink it

the point of that would it work to let them melt and then just swig the whole thing I don't know about that the problem is

the genie knows that it's almost as if someone's tried this

is that when you want to do that yeah you're not old enough to have the discipline to let it melt.

So we all think, maybe as a kid, we think they should just sell this as as a as a drink because this bit at the end is my favorite bit yeah and then

you know i remember buying an ice pole and being like this one i'm gonna let it melt all the way this is this is when i do it because it'll melt yeah and then i'd cave and start eating it having it when it was solid well also there's no information on those packets no nothing There's no ingredients.

There's no name.

They're just anonymous fat ice poles.

10p.

I don't know if the guy in the shop had made them or his wife had made them.

They're just colourful liquids frozen in a see-through sheaf.

Yeah.

Do you think that element of mystery was quite attractive to you as well in terms of like also quite hard to get into?

Yeah.

You could take out a filling.

Take it that thing open.

Yeah.

And

there was a technique to it, wasn't there?

Sort of like you sort of push it up and then you let the juice go into the bottom of it.

Yeah.

They do look a bit like, especially in those freezers, look a bit like sort of frozen lab samples.

Yeah.

Which they could have been.

Yeah.

And maybe that's what was going on.

People started buying them.

Okay.

He was just.

I mean, I didn't say they weren't.

He was just having a baroca for colour.

Hissing into

how this turns out.

I'll tell you, some kids who've got a tennis court all day are going to come in here on their BMXs.

They're going to love these.

So that, I think, again, it might be that you were a little child and that it tasted better.

It was summer.

You

Also, you know, to go out with a pound on your BMX, you were really thirsty because you've been playing tennis for four hours.

So maybe there was an element of

you were really dehydrated.

And that was keeping you alive.

Are we melting them down or do you just want the ends of loads of frozen ones?

I think if you melt them down, maybe something happens.

Yeah.

It's not the same.

It's not the same.

I think you have to let it happen naturally.

And then you just, it takes a long, probably take a long time.

Yeah.

Because there's not much juice at the bottom of the bag.

Yeah, but you can't.

Maybe there's never enough.

And that's probably what you love about it.

It's never quite enough.

Yeah.

No, you'd love a big swig of that from a pint glass.

Yeah, but you never get it.

And that's what makes you think you need it.

But if you had a pint of it, maybe you go, this is horrible.

Were you a fan of a calippo as well?

Yeah.

Love a calippo.

So good.

I would always get a lolly over an ice cream.

Right, yeah, yeah.

I do like ice cream.

I like gelatoes.

I like the sort of the ice cream man ice cream.

You used to work in an ice cream van, didn't you?

No, I used to work on it yeah i used to sell ice creams at uh a theme park all right in a little hatch so you like caligula me with the water you probably had way too many i couldn't i didn't animal the time but i still love it never got bored still my favourite food really yeah ice cream still my favorite food that's amazing but i did i did have the keys to the the mansion it was weirdly um it wasn't as i always go to say i worked in this theme park for one summer but i didn't i worked it there for one autumn you still worked around ridiculous

it was a sight of a lot one autumn yeah One one autumn I worked at

a theme park.

No one came.

So I was basically kicking about all day, helping myself to ice cream.

So you were just eating, you were just the kid.

I was just going to go.

It's a sweet shop.

But the thing was, is that I was in the place where I worked was like, there was three,

it was the little building, and there's three hatches in there.

One was ice creams, and then around the corner was drinks.

And then round the corner again was the hot food.

or the fried food.

But the ice cream hatch looked directly onto the offices where the bosses were right so they could see into you so then i would have to sneakily get some ice cream then go around to the drinks hatch eat it there yeah and then go back around to ice cream like i hadn't just been eating the ice cream all around your mouth yeah yeah i've just been doing some business really doing some stock cake

but the time that awesome the drinks hatch wow that awesome it was the only year i think i don't remember ever seeing it anywhere before or since and i think it was cornetto who bought it out but it might have been someone else where it was like a soft serve.

So it's like these kind of cylinders of ice cream, and you'd put it in this machine and then pull it down like a one-armed bandit.

And it would come out soft serve.

And it was like

a strawberry Cornetto flavor.

Magic.

A chocolate one.

Never seen them again anywhere.

Alchemy.

Yes.

So I was able to make my own like Mr.

Whippy Cornettos just for myself all the time.

And how old were you?

I was 15.

Ah, that's it.

Sweet spot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's all you care about when you're 15.

Yeah.

You're not interested in girls, cars, any, you're just interested in sugar, sweets,

ice cream.

Yeah.

I mean, you were Mr.

Whippy.

You were your own Mr.

Whippy.

Master Whippy.

I've seen that, I was like, yeah, you were.

Master Whippy.

Yeah, yeah.

I think.

The chewing gum and the sort of little balls of bubblegum you used to get in the Mr.

Whippy, they were unusual, weren't they?

Yeah, they were.

They lose their flavour pretty quick.

First time I ordered, I think they were called...

Screwballs, weren't they?

First time I ordered that, I didn't know there was chewing gum at the end.

No.

And that surprised me yeah you were choking

what the what is this like I've been going for it anyway not checking with anyone if that's supposed to be there they were quite both my ice cream men were quite there were two characters one was called George and he was Italian he looked like

a guy out of Starskin Harch he had sort of a perm yeah we used to take the piss out of home as kids just rip ice cream men don't they and then the other guy was called Ronaldi and I had quite sort of blonde hair sort of moddish hair and he used to call me Marianne Faithful

which I had no clue who that was.

Thank you, Ronaldo.

The ice cream man calls me Marianne Faithful and she'd laugh and I'd think, what's a bit weird?

What's this joke?

And then the cheese plant would explain it to you.

He was really rude.

He was kind of evil.

He'd often just like, okay, that's enough.

And he'd just drive off.

He was quite nuts.

But I liked it.

As I got older, I sort of appreciated that he was actually just really funny.

But as kids, we were mortally offended by his sort of rudeness.

Is Marianne Faithful still going?

Is she still going?

Benito's nodding.

Because I'm going to pitch this.

So we've got we've got a way in here.

She should go on the Traitors, Mary Unfaithful.

100% faithful.

Should you just tell everyone she's 100% faithful?

Or 100% Marianne.

Go around going, I'm 100% Marianne.

You know, the first time I saw Traitors' trailer,

I thought it was me.

Right.

I'm filming that.

And then my wife asked Claudia Winkleman, and I was like, oh, yeah.

It was a quick clip.

Your dream desert no well we arrived at your dream deserve

This is tricky

I found this very I found this the hardest.

I got a sweet tooth.

I'm not a savory dude.

So I do remember the first time I had Angel Delight and I baby food.

Yeah, I loved it.

But also

for some reason, there was a day where I bunked off school and started making my own Angel of Delight at home.

So I associate it with being sort of naughty.

Yeah.

And I put the telly on.

There was some weird programme about Bigfoot on.

I freaked myself out.

And it was like, you look really scary.

It was that sort of weird footage of Bigfoot.

I think it's called the Patterson footage, where it sort of looks around.

You know the one where it's walking and then it sort of looks around to the camera.

And I remember thinking, this is terrifying.

I was probably about seven or something.

Well, this is terrifying.

I was bunked off school when you were seven.

Maybe I was 12.

Yeah.

Oh, if you were 12, I bet I know who loved it that you bunked off school.

Home so early?

I won't tell, Noel.

Your secret's safe with me.

How about you go and put on those gym jams?

Oh, I'm eating the angel delight.

There, Bigfoot looks like a scary fella.

Why don't you come over here?

I'm pretty sure.

I'm going to show you a little.

I'll tell you what really delights the angels.

All right, so I was bunking off scores, eating an angel helping myself to butterscotch i think i had a butterscotch and a strawberry angel's light i was out of my mind on e-numbers and bigfoot came on it really scared me and then i couldn't look at that footage for a long time and then when i looked at it when i was older i just was like this is a guy in a suit you can see the zip yeah

so i was just like a south london dude from sutton just walking down the road oh mate

anything like bigfoot but as a kid i was like oh my wow so i sort of think of angels light and i think of bunking off the cheese plant times.

But I'm not sure about Angels Light.

There were two things at school.

I love those school dinners.

I had, I'm a 70s child, so there was 80s child.

So there was school dinners.

There were these tarts that they used to make.

And one was called a gypsy tart, I think, which I'm not, probably won't be called that anymore.

Josie Long also bought this up and it was the same qualifying.

The gypsy tart.

Yeah.

She likes the gypsy.

She loved it.

She also wasn't sure if it should be called that.

Well, I don't know what it was.

It had like a topping, a sort of beige topping yeah that was chewy but a bit crunchy yeah yeah unbelievable and then they made gypsy tarts on bake off Prue knew about them yeah Prue knows everything and it wasn't as good so I was wondering if it again

my childlike taste buds tricked me in some way but they were the problem with the the school desserts were in a week you would get gypsy tart once, but you'd also get rice pudding.

And that used to make me feel sick.

Yeah.

And I went, my there was a weird dinner lady who used to make you'd have to eat your dessert yeah and i couldn't eat rice pudding and so she said you're not leaving one day she took a stand so you're not leaving until you've eaten it and i just said i'm not going to eat it so we sat there opposite each other for like an hour and a half the problem with that was it got cold so it's even worse

And she said, you're not leaving.

And it was just awful.

I was like, we're young as well.

That was my primary school.

And so she sort of, this is a true story.

She's tried to force rice pudding into me and I puked on her hand.

You won that one.

Dexter.

Gypsy tap.

Everything was fine.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she forced.

And I was, it's the texture of rice pudding, the lumps or whatever it is in that.

And I just went.

Stories like that.

You kind of go like, From your perspective, you telling that story.

It's a perfectly reasonable story for you to go go around telling everyone understands your stance in it.

I just can't imagine her going around telling people that story and coming and thinking that she's how could she even tell that that makes her sound good in any way?

She sounds mad.

I had a standoff with him.

It was dessert as well, which isn't even good for him.

And it's not something you force kids to eat, dessert.

Yeah.

Right.

I sat there for an hour and a half with him.

And then I tried to force it down him.

And he was sick on my hand.

What of her friends are sympathising with her at any point?

Hope he was.

He's on her side.

These should be expelled.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a bad seed.

So what is out of all websites?

It's a gypsy tart.

I love maybe with Angel of the Light as a source.

Yeah.

Yeah, nice.

Is that okay?

Scotch Angel Delight.

Yeah, it's got to be.

I'm not an idiot.

Well, I'll read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

Your water, you would like liquefied party rings

from the 80s.

Polon's.

Noel already disappointed at himself, by the way, when you said that.

Your own homemade garlic bread.

Yeah, nice.

And you want to travel into the future two to four minutes.

Starter, a bowl of peeled lye cheese.

Main course, the famous Ambrosia burger.

I feel like we missed a major detail with the lye cheese.

Oh, yeah, you would like the gerbil to wash your insides with it.

Yeah.

And then you come out.

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

That's part of the order.

That's part of the order.

Thanks for picking me up on that.

Yeah.

Main course, the famous Ambrosia burger.

Side dish.

Dad's running mash in a rusk hip flask.

But made by Heston Blumens.

Made by Heston.

Drink.

A pint of the ends of 10p ice poles, lemonade, ice poles from when you were a kid.

Dessert, the school gypsy tart with butterscotch angel delight as a sauce

feel good feels amazing very 70s i'd say the 70s pops up in almost every course yeah it's interesting isn't it you seem to be really seriously reflecting on that

and what what it says about you and i'd like to have that meal with the dinner lady who forced me yeah doing sick on her hand at the end you're going to force her to eat it well i'd like her to be sick on my hands

so that

we could just even things out and then James goes back into his cat flap yeah and I go isn't that a dream

and then I'd feel my pockets

and my keys are there

perfect thank you so much Noel thank you Noel well that was a treat

well there we are a great episode with Noel I thought Exactly the kind of menu you'd hoped for.

Liquidized party rings.

His menu was shit.

What?

The menu was horrible.

Most of it was liquid and

just like sweets.

The menu was horrible, but I didn't mind because it was such a fun chat.

Yes, lovely chat.

A lot of laughter to be heard.

Also, Noel told us after that we're like the third podcast he's ever done.

Yeah.

So that's pretty cool.

Yeah, I think he's doing well, actually.

Yeah.

You wouldn't know.

Imagine if he never does another one.

That's it.

Just for just the goal.

Would you take that as a compliment or an insult?

Insult.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

Of course.

But listen, I tell you what, you should all watch is on Apple TV Plus, The Completely Made Up Adventures of Dick Turpin, which Noel is in and is fantastic.

And we're very much looking forward to seeing the whole thing.

And it's coming out on the 1st of March, so very, very soon indeed.

Make sure you watch that.

Noel, of course, did not say spicy corrupt and coriander soup.

Corrat and did it say corrupt soul.

You can't say it.

You can't say spicy carrot and coriander.

He said corrupt and coriander.

If you were in the bush,

I wouldn't take long, mate.

First writing session, I'd go, guys, can we just be sensible here?

None of this makes sense.

No, you used to be doing wacky stuff with Nish and Tom Neenan and Jesus.

It wasn't that wacky, though, man.

You would write wacky stuff and Nish kind of leaves the gig and then comes back in dressed as a Scottish person called Haggis McNish.

That's true.

That's bouche territory.

Yeah, yeah, we did do Haggis McNish.

I forget about Haggis McNish.

Yeah.

He'd come back in and just sit in the audience and pretend to be an audience member and you'd talk to him.

And then he'd take his wig off and I'd be really surprised.

Yeah.

That was in a stand-up show.

That was a mixed bill stand-up show that Hagis McNish would pop up in.

Cool fun.

Cool fun.

That's what the show was called.

Yes.

So I think you'd fit him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Boost writers room.

Yeah, but my first idea, I go, right, I've got this idea.

He's called Haggis McNish.

And then they say something else and I go, guys, come on.

Corrupt and Gary Ander.

Hey, Ed, aren't you on tour soon?

I am.

I'm on tour starting in March, actually.

So starting on March the 12th, I'm on tour all over the UK and Ireland.

The show's called Hot Diggity Dog.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

And maybe if you come to one of the London shows, there might be an appearance from a little guy called Haggis McNish.

Also,

I would encourage people to listen to Springleaf, my audio sitcom.

All 10 episodes are out wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm very proud of it.

And yeah, I'm very happy that all of it is out now.

And who's in it?

So many people, including including yourself and hagis mcnesh cute thank you very much for listening to off menu we will see you again soon bye-bye

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Dialed in on the thermostat.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Clutch move by the home team.

What's the game plan from here on out?

Laundry?

Not today.

Dishwasher?

Sidelined.

What a performance by Team California.

The power truly is ours.

During a flex alert, pre-cool, power down, and let's beat the heat together.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.