Ep 225: Susan Wokoma (Live in Bristol)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Well, it's Saturday.

That means it's time to hear another show from the off-many bonus

live tour.

This was recorded in Bristol.

It was the the first night of our residency at the Bristol Hippodrome.

Yes, first as two.

11th of October, 2023.

There'll be callbacks for the first half.

Don't worry about that.

Secret ingredient was chicken sandwich paste.

But most importantly, our special guest was the amazing Susan Wilkom.

The first of three,

like,

when we were doing this tour,

a series of Taskmaster was on that Susan was on.

And we got three people from that series on the tour.

And what a joy that was.

What a joy that was.

Because it was in real time, people being excited to see them while they were concurrently watching Taskmaster.

It was an honor.

It was a true honor.

And this is a fantastic episode with Susan.

Let's just play it.

You're going to love it.

Here we go.

Susan McComb in Bristol.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

Taking the potatoes of humor, boiling them in the water of the internet, grabbing the masher of friendship

mashing it three times going well that looks lumpy and tasteless

and then getting that magical gloopy frozen stuff instead and that's the podcast

That is Ed Gamble Money this James A.

Caster together we own a dream restaurant and every week we ask a guest their favorite ever start a main course side dish dessert and drink not in that order and literally on your t-shirt.

It's on your fucking t-shirt

This week, our guest is

Susan Pomer.

Very, very excited to have Susan on the podcast.

She is a wonderful actor.

She's currently on the current season of Taskmaster.

Very excited.

And being absolutely brilliant on it as well.

So we're looking forward to chatting to her.

We already know what the secret ingredient is.

Yes.

Keep that in mind.

Keep that in mind.

If it comes up on her menu, I will be surprised.

Shocked.

Should we crack on, James?

Yes.

Without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Susan Matoma.

There we are.

Welcome, Susan.

Thank you for having me.

Oh my god, it's so many of you.

Can I just say, I've never seen James A.

Caster do an air kiss before.

To be honest, I sort of forced you.

That was pure force.

I nailed it, though.

Well, I'll talk you through what he actually did.

And with an air kiss, it's traditional to make a kissing because, you know, it's part air kiss.

Yeah.

James didn't do that.

He just went.

Yeah.

That's how I kiss, though.

I thought so.

Of course.

Just step behind the eyes.

Yeah.

No puckering.

I can vouch for that.

And now I can.

Thank you.

Welcome to the dream restaurant, Susan.

Thank you.

Very excited to have you here.

Now, James,

thank you.

This is the main reason why I said yes to this.

Yes.

Okay, do I look away?

What do I do?

Yeah.

So,

I mean, yeah, exciting.

I mean, feel free.

We can either get the audience to rub the lamp with their minds.

Oh, or if you would like to get up and rub the lamp, that's also welcomed.

Okay, could we do a hybrid of both?

So I rub, and then everyone uses their eyes as well to get extra rubbish.

Yes, absolutely.

We can do a hybrid for extra rubbish.

Yes, excellent.

Okay, here we go.

I'm going to rub here.

Is everyone rubbing with their eyes?

Okay, let's go.

Welcome, Susan Vocaba, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

What an entrance.

He's not jumped that far across the stage yet.

That was good, right?

Yeah, that was good.

My confidence was up for all the air kissing I did earlier.

It'll do that.

It'll give you confidence.

That's magical.

Is this your first genie that you've met?

Yes, it is the very first genie.

You haven't disappointed.

Thank you.

You don't have a wispy beard?

No, no.

You don't.

No.

That's all right.

I was told you didn't like that.

I normally have a wispy beard.

Where are you getting all this information?

It's correct.

Well, Susan sent quite a long list of demands when we booked her.

No, I didn't.

Okay, all I'm saying is, Susan, we're doing 15 tour dates, it's 15 different guests, and you're the only one who specifically asked for Prosecco on their ride.

No, okay.

They respect it.

Now they like it, though.

So you're in a tricky position here.

I know.

Now, do I deny this fact or do I embrace it?

Thank you, Bristol.

Yes, I did ask for a bottle of Prosexi.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, Dan Right.

And you know what?

I've got a glass right now.

Cheers, Bristol.

Danny, one, Danny, one.

I'm really confident about that now.

Thank you.

I did ask for a bottle, yeah.

Yeah.

I did, yeah.

It's because we went to your people and said, would Susan like anything specific on her rider?

And you panicked and said, water, fruit, and then put...

I said, I so um, my publicist, which is very bougie, but you know what, I was working class, so I've earned it.

So it's

earn it now.

And uh, and she was like, What would you like?

And I don't, I don't normally know what to say with that, so I just went uh, tea, question mark, fruit, question mark, Prosecco, question mark.

And I know that she sent all those three things without the question mark.

As in, like, these are the things that she must have.

And then you've ribbed me about it for the last couple of hours.

So, um, all day, all day,

all day.

But no, I'm very proud.

But you uh, you brought us a glass of your Prosecco

before the show started.

I knew you weren't gonna drink it, though.

We drank it, did you?

Yeah, we drank it and then sat there for 10 minutes going, that was a fucking terrible idea.

I'm drunk right now,

that's why you jumped in the pit.

I definitely drink it.

Amazing.

Uh, would you call yourself a foodie, Susan?

Um, only so much that I love food, I love going to restaurants.

If I could, I would dress up like with a lace visor like they do at funerals with a feather boa with like loads of rings from all my dead husbands and like go and like sit in a corner of a fancy restaurant and eat and dine.

Like that's how I'm a foodie.

But me, like, I know, I've thought about it.

I've thought about it.

You'd be amazed how often we get that answer.

Yeah.

But I just love, I love the drama of eating out.

Like, you know, I'd really take my time with it.

But in terms of me cooking, no, thank you.

That's not what I do.

I guess I'd like to know how many dead husbands want their names out of the gun.

How many dead husbands are you talking?

I think by that, if you're going to dine on your own in that kind of

extravagant way, you need at least four, I think.

Yeah.

You need four.

And one of them you've had to divorce and remarry.

Yeah.

Yes.

And then you've earned it.

Then you've earned dining out on your own.

That's spanky.

Yeah.

So

you divorce them, remarry.

This isn't true, by the way.

Have all.

Just so you can.

No, these are just your plans, apparently.

This is my plans.

These are my future plans.

Did they die in suspicious circumstances, would you say?

Two of them did.

You've got to balance it out.

Two of them who were very old, so everyone saw it coming.

And then two of them is went,

you know.

But like, one's my age, and then one's like a toy boy.

Yeah.

But like, not too tall.

I am very young, 35.

But

yeah, and then one's like, yeah, suspicious, off a boat or something.

I like the way you're trying to like pretend like you're making that on the spot then.

You're like, I don't know, just like off a boat or something like that.

Yeah, Atlantic Ocean.

Yeah, I've thought about it

a lot.

Well, we always start with still or sparkling water, Susan.

Do you have a preference?

I do.

And it has to be sparkling water.

Right?

Hot hat.

Oh my God, are we going to start a fight, Bristol?

Yes.

The sparkling people very quickly got on board, and then the still people went, hang on, we need to add our voices.

Everyone realised it was too much on sparkling.

sparkling but my my thinking behind that is i can't the idea of parting with money for still water which you can get from a tap is weird but sparkling water i remember the first time i got offered sparkling water at like a i don't know it probably was at like a waggon mummers or something and i was like oh that's quite that's quite posh isn't it it's like sexy water i was like i will part with money for that but if it's still water you just get tap water that's my thinking behind it how did the the veil and all the rings go go down in Wagamam?

Do you have to share a table with a bunch of strangers?

That's the thing with Wagamam.

You can't get your own table.

It was like a row of school kids

mourning my husband at 19.

Hello, children.

A family trying to have a meal.

You're there.

He was pushed off a boat.

I wasn't there.

I didn't see what happened.

Eating your bang bang cauliflower.

Trying to hold the chopsticks, you've got too many rings.

Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang.

So you want sparkling water.

Do you want anything in it?

Maybe a slice of lemon.

Yeah.

A little slice of lemon bobbing around in that tumbler.

Slice, not a wedge.

Oh, no, not a wedge.

Why a wedge?

Hey, some people like wedges, though.

I don't like a wedge.

Because they can squeeze them and get a bit warmer.

No, no, no.

The thing is, with, for me, the thing is with like a slice of lime or lemon, it's purely decorative.

Come on, let's be honest.

Yeah, if you're squeezing it out like a monster and get it all over your fingers, and then what do you do?

You sort of lick it off and you put it on the napkin.

Weird.

It's purely decorative.

It's bobbing around.

It looks lovely.

It makes you look a bit posher.

It's like, yeah, that's what we're doing.

Well, we can give you a lemon finger bowl if you want.

Some people.

That was on my rider, and you didn't.

I love the idea of that.

Squeezing a lemon.

I've got water and lemon on my fingers.

Excuse me.

Can I have a finger bowl, please?

A lemon and water, please.

Thank you.

Ah.

Excuse me.

You, the one who did the doodle on my tablecloth.

Excuse me, all my rings have fallen off.

We lost them in there.

Put them back on for me.

That's a lemon.

All these waters reminding me of the death of my third husband.

he loved lemons it's what he it's what he screamed as he fell into the water

yeah

I thought I was gonna be so ready for that.

Jesus, you're good.

Best jump of the tour to be fair so far.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You Probably shitting me up.

Oh my god.

You were riding high on I Love Lemons.

No.

Nothing from Matthew Bankton last night.

He didn't move an inch.

But that guy's a ghost.

He's used to scares.

You can't scare a ghost, Matthew.

Oh my god.

Well, I'll answer it now.

Bread.

Bread.

Prepper, bread.

Prepper bread.

Prepper bread.

Warm, warm, soft bread.

We don't want anything too hard.

And also, you need really like creamy like almost melted butter on it you don't want to be shagging around like trying to warm it up and

that's

wait

you know what you do when you shag around trying to

I do know what what you mean what you're going for I've just never heard that used in that context Yeah, you know, when you're shagging like when you're trying to achieve something, so you're just putting it around trying to achieve your softer butter, fucking hell.

I hate that you're realising this in front of an audience of 2,000 people, but I think you've been using that term wrong.

A lot of people are going to have different opinions of you over the years.

Sorry, I was like, I was shagging around at the airport.

So paperback chavouse shagging around.

Customs shugging around.

Is that the GP shagging around?

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Yes.

A lot of things are going through my mind right now.

A lot of compositions.

But yes, I love creamy, creamy butter.

I haven't shagged.

Fuck it.

And warm bread.

Do you know what?

Actually, what I really love, if you go to a really like bougie place,

I love when they give you like a basket of bread and there's a variety of different breads rather than just like this is the only bread dip it in that oil fuck off like I love love the surprise of going oh that's quite nice

and i love what i really love as a as a starter is like

just fruit bread like a bit of raisins in it to just to mix it up

how do we feel what contraval she like

i will shag every one of you

outside kit off now

like no right no i'm sticking with that that's a hill i'm gonna die on.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah.

You got to stick by what you believe.

But yeah, not popular here in Britain.

The fruit bread here.

Fruit bread.

No, just a little bit.

Not like, I'm not talking excessive amount of raisins.

Just a little bit.

Dotted around.

I like those breads.

I do like the raisin breads.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I know what you mean.

And also, if it's part of a selection, it's only a small little bit.

It's only a small wedge.

There we go.

You've got the wedges back on side.

I've got it back on.

I like them now.

When you toast it though, with raisin bread, I like it to be toasted.

Not as no,

No, not if you're about to have like three courses.

No.

No.

Have I lost you?

Why is toasting it an issue if you're about to have three courses?

I don't know.

Doesn't it just make it makes it denser?

You're about to have...

Now, hang on.

You're about to have

three courses and then someone gives you toast, essentially.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Don't you think that toast is dense?

It's just me.

Oh my God, I'm realising a lot.

I guess...

But if someone someone gives you bread, it's the same, isn't it?

Nah, but if it's a little...

Nah, because if you hold a loaf, if you hold, not loaf, if you hold a slice of bread and then you hold a slice of toast, do this when you get home.

The toast is heavier.

Is this another problem with your vocabulary here?

No, it isn't.

Have you been mistaking the word heavier for the word hotter and getting them.

No,

go home and try it.

Slice of bread, untoasted, toasted.

That toasted one is heavier.

Susan, it's going to be late by the time the show's finished.

I can't go home and start shagging the toaster.

Also, you know, I think, what, what are you, three episodes into the latest series of Taskmaster?

And I feel bad that this audience already know who's not going to win.

It's a hill I'm going to die on.

And also, like, if you've watched the first three, you know I'm not going to fucking win.

Jesus.

The toast is heavier than bread.

Yes, that's what we've learnt from this.

So on this bread assortment, you've got though, you want some raisin bread?

Yes.

And...

You got to have sourdough.

Everyone's mad about sourdough, but I'm not really.

It's scratchy in your mouth.

It's a bit much.

Like, not, yeah.

Like, yeah,

you're making me doubt everything I say.

No, it's just, I can feel the audience.

You said fruit bread and they're like, okay.

Yeah.

And then you said, I don't like sourdough.

And I think people left.

Oh, yeah, because everyone was doing.

I was about to use another word out, a term.

Oh, God, because everyone was doing that at lockdown, innit?

Like making sourdough.

I wasn't.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

What did you do in lockdown?

What was I doing in lockdown?

Crying,

surviving.

Watched a lot of normal people again and again to just

to see a naked man

and the art and the art.

I found loads of websites with naked men, aren't you?

You don't have to watch normal people.

Oh, have you frequented them?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know, but no, sometimes you want to see them in kind of like not in, you don't want to see like the actual.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

You don't want to see like the actual, you just want to see like the suggestion of it.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Literally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And because there was lockdowns, you couldn't, you know, go and hang them out in the MS changing rooms.

So you had to watch it.

I was just to see a suggestion.

It's the suggestion.

I'm only here for the suggestion.

Relax.

Not in a peek behind the curtain.

Not a monster.

Can you shine your phone torch from behind it so I can see it on the curtain?

Oh, Mr.

Mescal.

So you've got sourdough, you got raisin bread.

Yeah, and just like some seeded.

You know when it's like loads of seed, like this.

Oh, yeah.

I like those.

Do you?

I like'em.

No, you don't like'em?

No, well, do you know what happened?

A bit of fluff just fell down from the ceiling, nearly went in your glass.

That was the most dramatic thing that's ever happened in the podcast.

That would have ruined that Prosecco.

I know we would have got a very angry email from your publicist.

I would have drank that.

I would have downed that.

Good on, yes.

And so, like, heavily seeded bread, I'm not a fan of because once I had, I was in May devale, and I don't know why Mayday Vale is specific.

I just don't like May devale after this, but I got some seeded bread with something on it.

I think I had like salmon on it, and I bit it, and it cracked my tooth.

And it's the first like fill-in I ever had to have at the age of 28.

Yeah, I absolutely absolutely smashed it until then.

I was like, look at my teeth, boom.

And then I had that and it was fucked.

So I don't like seeded bread, don't fuck with it.

No, I had my first fill-in a couple of weeks ago.

Really?

First worst one ever, 38.

Well done.

And the guy said,

the week before, he'd been looking at my mouth when he was

a dentist.

He was just looking at the outline of your lips going,

he's new.

He's my new dentist.

Okay, sure.

And he was like, I think we're going to have to give you a fill in, which is a shame, because at the minute you've got what we call a virgin mouth.

Okay.

Are you sure this guy was a dentist?

Where was he looking at your mouth?

What was the location of M ⁇ S changing room?

Yeah, where was in the in a surge, in a dentist?

In a dental surgery?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was laying on the chair.

Virgin mouth.

You said that's what we call this.

You've got a virgin mouth.

Gorgeous.

That's so lovely.

Yeah, they said, so I've got to deflower it.

I've got to give it a filling.

Were you really nervous before the filling?

Yes, I was.

Did you ask him if it was going to hurt?

yes this feels suddenly really sensual to be sat in the middle of this

he had to ask my father's permission

but it is like when you've never had one before it is a kind of big deal isn't it and someone's just rumpaging around in your mouth yeah you just feel a little bit like it's a bit bit tuggy, and yeah.

Just in case you're wondering, I was 11 when I lost my mouth virginity.

Some people mature faster than others, of course.

Good idea.

Let's get into your menu, Papa, Susan.

Your dream starter.

My dream starter, Pummer.

I feel a little bit hysterical.

My dream starter would be, okay, I feel like I automatically, I'm going to lose you, Bristol, but don't worry, I'll see you outside for a shack.

So it is

oysters.

All right.

I

love oysters.

I love rock oysters because you can get them throughout the year.

I like them nice and big, meaty.

Why does it all sound dirty?

But like, I like an oyster that you can really chew on.

Like, it's like a good bit of meat.

What?

Whatever, don't I?

Don't, don't, look at that.

As soon as you say, why does everything sound dirty?

And then then you look me right in the eye and go, I like one, I can see one.

Yeah.

You pitched that at the wrong guy.

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, I did.

Looked you dead in the eye.

I'm so sorry.

But no, I love oysters.

But the thing is, when I order oysters, what I hate is like...

When I'm out with a friend, I never order the amount of oysters that I actually want.

So the polite amount is like three oysters or two oysters.

I want six.

I want seven.

I want eight because I'm a pig.

Yeah.

Right?

So I'll be like, yes, thank you.

So I'll pick it up with a mate and I'll be like, oh, they'll be like, oh, how many oysters do you want?

And I'll go, six.

And then my friend will be like, yeah, three and three.

And the rage I feel

under my skin will just pick your fucking own one.

So I just look, my dream starter would be oysters, but as many as I effing want.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Meaty, juicy oysters.

That's me looking

dead in the eye.

That would be my.

What's the

collective noun for a group of oysters?

What's the.

Oyster?

Yeah, there's like a murder of crows and a gaggle of geese and stuff.

Does anyone know?

A crew?

A crew of oysters.

A crew of oysters.

Can anyone Google it?

A cloister of a colour.

A cloyster of oysters.

Please let it be awful.

A cloister of oysters.

A cloyster of oysters.

Do they hang out together, though?

Oh, there you go.

A bed.

A bed of oysters.

A bed of oysters.

Nothing

cloisters better.

I think we'll go with cloisters.

But that makes sense because they're an aphrodiac.

So like a bed.

Yeah.

A bed of oysters.

Hello.

You know.

Oh, that would explain.

Just as I was going under the anesthetic, I saw the dentist

shucking some oysters.

I just drifted away.

Into that virgin mouth.

Yeah, he was doing the shallots and everything.

Opening them with one of his drills.

Yeah.

Watching Sweller Brotherman Speed Awareness course.

Are we talking the shallots

with the vinegar or the Tabasco?

What do you have on it?

A bit of vinegar, but lots of Tabasco.

I am a saucy.

I love a sauce.

Yeah.

Fucking hell.

I love salt.

I am.

Yes, thank you.

Tabasco, lots and lots of Tabasco.

Not too much vinegar.

I don't want to sort of play.

I don't want to play with the pH balance of the oyster.

Yeah.

I could have said it now.

That's what I meant.

So yeah, loads of Tabasco, little bit of vinegar, shook it down it.

Lemon?

Yeah, a little bit, little spritz.

A wedge is allowed now.

Now we're bringing in the wedges.

Now we're bringing in the wedges.

Wedges are in play now.

Yeah, they're in play now.

They've been tagged in.

Do you want them presented on a bed of crushed ice?

Yeah,

now this.

Yes.

Because

I do, like I said, I like the drama of eating out and crushed ice.

That's very dramatic.

But then sometimes, oh, just fucking fucking just bring them, just bring them to me.

Do you know what I mean?

When they're just, and it's icy, and then I'm like, I don't need, I just want it in my mouth.

Anyway, I'm impatient.

What would be the quickest way for you?

Then, if they, what would you want them to be presented on?

I would want it to be presented by somebody just shooking them straight into my mouth.

What if we presented them on like a ruler?

So

we shucked them for you.

Yeah.

We put the oysters on the ruler.

Yeah.

We put the mountain Tabasco on, and you can just...

And then they all go down.

on a ruler, yeah, like a school ruler, yeah,

and then they just all slide down in a queue when I'm 30cm shatterproof, okay.

Thank you, that's actually what I was asking for.

Yeah, sorry, 30 centimetre shatterproof, yes.

Yes, thank you, yes, completely adequate.

I would do that, yeah, yeah,

not one of those bendy rulers that some kids are.

No, I'll do it.

You're when you hold the oysters up and they all just slip off the end, those rulers, and like every time you want to do a straight line, there's always a little hump, a little foldy bit pisses me off,

and they use them as weapons.

Fucking Joan hit me with those Bendy Vulu.

How'd you use them?

Bam!

He just.

Yeah.

No, we were using compasses and yeah.

Oh, those kids.

We had compass kids as well.

Yeah.

Oh, there's compass kids in every school.

Joan was a rare beast, though, wasn't he?

Joan meant to be my friend.

Thought it was funny.

Well, he just had a bare arm and he had his bendy vulnerabil in his hand.

He's not made of stone.

Got me.

I was like, that fucking kills.

And we fell out for a whole day.

I had a mark on my arm.

As I say to the other kids, tell Joe, if he wants to hit people with his Bendy ruler, then they're not going to be his friend.

The least cool kid of all time.

No wonder you had a virgin mouth.

I have to say that is so me as a kid.

Go and tell Sarah that I'm not going to be her friend because she was mean to me and I won't be her friend until 12 o'clock.

But then after 12 o'clock, I'll be I will resume being her friend.

Please tell her now, idiot.

Like,

great.

The kid delivering the message.

They're having a great day.

They're having a lovely day.

The kid delivering the message is like, brilliant.

I get to be amongst all the drama, but I have none of the actual, no one's pissed off with me.

So do you want the oysters on a ruler?

I can't say no to whatever the fuck that.

Yeah.

Let's do it.

No, you suggested someone comes over and is shucking them just straight into your mouth.

That would be ideal, but I'm not a monster as well.

So, like, no, I have it on the ruler.

You could be a monster.

I don't want to be impolite, so I will have them off a 30-centimetre shatterproof ruler.

I'll have them off the ruler.

Do you want someone to lift your veil as well for all this?

Because, like, you're eating.

Oh, yes, I forgot about the veil.

So, the veil needs to be.

Oh, yes, because I'm dressed like I can go to a funeral.

Yeah, that would be ideal if someone just did that.

But I could do that.

You can do it and then they can shuck them in.

Yeah, I'm not a total diva.

So, you lift a veil, then someone shucks them.

Are you catching them?

In my mouth.

Yeah.

Hopefully, yeah.

So this is like they're feeding a seal at this point.

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Okay.

You're teed up good for your dream main course.

Yes, right.

So I went to a restaurant in Florence.

Florenze, Italia, you know.

The fuck was that?

That was French.

Anyway.

And there's this restaurant called.

I told you it was French either, but

mate.

There's been a lot of good accent work tonight.

That's embarrassing.

So I went to a restaurant called Paoli and they had, so my friend Claudia, she was, she's half Italian and she was going through a breakup and she was out there for like three months and she was like, okay, we're going to go to this place.

And the pasta here is sensational.

You're going to cry.

You're going to cry because it's that good.

But all it is, all it is, is just truffle pasta.

Just spaghetti with cheese, truffle, it's going to be great.

I was like, that sounds, we're in Florence.

Florenz.

And I was like, no, I want something a bit adventurous.

She was like, no.

So you go in, you sit down, you order.

And what they do is they have this big vat of spaghetti and they cook it in front of you and there's fire and it's a whole thing and everyone's there with their camera phones like ooh, and the person who's like serving it up looks so fucking over it, they don't give a shit.

And we're like, oh, what exciting!

It's like fire and fire.

Plate it up, and honestly, it was so

good, I actually cried.

I've got video footage of me crying, and I ordered three plates

and it was so truffle pasta, just truffle pasta is like my dream main.

I love a cheesy pasta, strong-smelling pasta.

Sounds amazing.

So, there is that, but my other main is...

Thank you.

Wait.

Slip that bias.

I've got loads of questions about the first thing.

Okay, go on then.

Yeah, tell me everything about the breakup, first of all.

How's Claudia doing now?

Yeah, and also, when she said, honestly, eat this, you'll cry.

Was she saying that about a lot of things at that point?

First, I had that yesterday and I cried.

Yeah.

Sit down in this chair, you'll cry.

Wait till you you see this pigeon, you're gonna cry.

No, Jeff, no, she's all right, she's doing really well now.

That was like over a year ago.

We're good, we're past it.

And she was, and she was being honest about it being that good, you'll cry because I wasn't going through a breakup, I was fine.

So she was like, Oh, you're gonna cry.

I was like, like you guys.

I was like, Sure, sure, Claudia.

Sure, I'll cry with you if that's what you need.

And then it was,

I will do that, I will squeeze one out.

And then I ate it.

And it took

Learn to use phrases, mate.

Every phrase,

every phrase is wrong.

Jesus Christ.

Thought you were being comforting.

She was absolutely baffled by that.

That's what you need, mate.

I will squeeze one out for you.

Anytime you're gonna beat one off, I'll do it.

I mean, I'll squeeze a tear.

Doesn't anyone else use that?

No, do you know why we use it?

It means I'm going to take a shit.

That's what it means.

No, I use that all the time.

Yep.

No, you're going to squeeze like, you know, I'm really sad.

So you're like squeezing one out.

Yeah, that's what I look like.

So I did a shit

in this restaurant and the chocolate pasta was amazing.

It was beautiful.

It it was unbelievable very very good yeah but there's another now are you saying there's a contender against it or you want both what you know a contender okay let's hear it but yeah okay i might we might be able to help you here we might be able to help you out we might be able to help you here with a with a loophole but go for it okay as in like you're gonna help me decide well here's the thing yesterday yeah and on another episode of the podcast yeah people have employed a little hack and had a pasta course before their main course so if this next one is not a pastor pasta course, you can have both.

It's not.

Oh, well, you let me have both.

You can have a pasta course, and then you can have a main course.

I didn't expect that.

And because that sounded so good about that pasta course, I didn't want you not to have it.

Okay, this is.

Should I do it?

Cool.

I'll squeeze another one out.

I was going to ask what you've been eating, but we're here.

Okay, so it's not a pasta course.

So the other course is, so AJ Adudu, she mentioned Ogbono soup, which is a Nigerian dish.

Well, it's soup, but it's a stew.

Anyway, it's part of like a cluster of soups, and they're called like draw soups.

So like they're really thick and stringy, and you can make them with lots of like fish and meat, any sort of assorted meat, whatever you like.

So I heard that she did that.

I don't like, this is, I'm probably going to get beaten up after this.

This is dicey stuff.

So, I don't like bono soup.

I like okra soup, which is another, it's in the family of draw soups.

So, it's made with okra or okra.

If you're American, that was terrible as well.

Can I not act?

Anyway,

all this rada training.

So, the pods of okra, which is actually a fruit, didn't know that.

But you cook it like it's a vegetable.

And if you know, like, what gumbo is, does anyone know what gumbo is?

Basically, yeah, it's basically that.

But the thing is, to get the stringy texture, you have to use like you have to chop the okra really, really, really, really small.

And it's super spicy, and it tastes like it's quite, it's like sweet but creamy, but grassy.

You've got spinach in there.

It looks beautiful.

Like it's really, really good to look at.

And my mum was just king of making that all the, like, all throughout my childhood.

And what you normally do is that you have like a kind of pounded like root vegetable that you would dip in and you would eat it and use your hands.

But now that I'm a grown-up, I don't do that.

I just use a spoon because it's too much, and you get too full if you're doing that.

So, my very first boyfriend was like

from Tunbridge Wells.

And

any of those details relevant to the stuff?

Not at all.

Tunbridge Wells.

And just narrow it down.

No, do you know what?

The reason why I mentioned that is because he's so far away from what I prepared him.

There we go.

So he's from Tunbridge Wells, and he's like, Suze, why don't you cook me?

Why don't you cook me one of your.

That's not how he talks.

Go on.

Why don't you cook me one of your

home dishes from Nigeria?

I can't, I've said, I don't fucking like cooking.

I like eating.

I like food being prepared to me, wearing a feather boa and a visor.

Anyway, so he sounds like a great guy, by the way.

Oh, yeah, awful, absolutely awful man.

Why don't you cook me one of your home versions from Nigeria?

Why don't you cook me one of your funny little spicy things?

That's the vibe I got.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the vibe I get for this Chubba Dwell dollar product.

No, I was talking, no, as I'm doing now, I was talking about how much I love okra soup, and he was like, Well, I'd love to taste it.

And I was like,

four years.

Four years.

And so I was like, right, cool, I'm going to do that.

So

I'd made two mistakes.

First one was that I didn't chop the okra

thin enough.

It was too thick.

So, when it's too thick, you don't get the stringiness, which is the main event.

It's the main event.

So, when you had it, he was like, Well, this ain't anything like you said.

Well, this ain't anything like you said.

So, I failed there.

Fucking hate this, guys.

I think you remember you said something about stringiness.

What is this, Susan?

I wouldn't call this a main event, Susan.

Have you had Shepherd's Pie?

Oh, God, how awful.

Yeah, he was a prick.

Anyway, and no, he wasn't.

He was a little bit.

And then, so the second mistake

that I made was that you're only meant to use, like, you use Scotch bonnets.

You're only meant to use a couple.

Oh, oh, no.

Someone's about to get their come up and say.

I love it.

Good on you, Susan.

How many of you put it?

I don't think this is going to go well with a guy from Tunbridge Wells.

I have a nice big spoonful to begin with, Fula.

Down the match, pop the hat.

In for a penny, in for a pound

for Queen and Contract.

I'm laughing because you're not far off.

What was I doing?

So you're only meant to use you're only meant to use two and I use seven.

Oh my god.

I use fucking seven and my spice tolerance is high.

But even I was sweating from my eyebrows.

I was sweating from like creases in my neck.

I was like shit under my tit.

I was like, wow.

This guy was pink.

He was pink and red.

And he was like,

He fucking killed him.

Oh my god, it was funny in retrospect.

Well, that's good, you can see what he's gonna look like when he's 40, at least.

Oh my god, yeah, so I love that knee or when it's made by other people.

Yeah, so those are the those are my two, those are my two mains.

That's great.

So, can I have both of them?

That's the cook.

Obviously all I'm thinking about is out.

Steam coming out of his ears.

Also,

we've fallen somewhat into a bit of a trap here.

Yeah.

Where Ed and I establish a running joke where you can do it infinite times.

Yeah.

And all you need to do is do a different phrase before he eats it each time.

And it's going to make us laugh.

So I've got in for a penny, in for a pound, and for queen and country in my head.

And if it wasn't for the fact we're on a time limit, that would have carried on for half an hour.

But in half an hour,

I could so feel you were going to keep going.

Yeah, it would have been hard.

Oh, God, I would have loved it.

But yeah, queen and country.

Well, those are great.

Those are great.

I think past a course that made you cry,

followed by a main course that made him cry.

It's great.

Your dream side dish.

Okay, that was quite, you know, really spicy, really flavourful.

And so I thought, okay, what is kind of, because, you know, I am Nigerian in terms of my parents and culturally how I was brought up I was brought up in Pekhan where there was a lot of other Nigerian West African people but I was trying to think okay what is like

no offense the blandest most British scientists I can have so I

I had an I had another boyfriend I've had a few here we go

next on the chopping block step up

I had another one

now now this one, who I won't name, was a proper, he was a bitch.

He was a, but I did this.

Like, I think of him and I just think, what the fuck was I doing?

Like, everyone else, I'm like, good memories, some good times.

But this one, I'm like, could have done without that.

Like, scratch that fucking out.

However,

after a breakup, I tend to go, okay, what am I going to leave with?

What's like one thing that I take with me?

Can I just check?

Are you speaking of Susan now?

Are you the character with Doug Huskins?

This is me.

I'm gonna be her.

That's in about, that was about five fucking minutes.

I'm gonna be her.

But no, so he was a bitch, but

he showed me this snack.

So he was like,

why does that sound dirty?

There are a lot of innuendos in this episode.

And when you draw out a sentence like that, it's gonna be dirty.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

He showed me this.

He showed me a snack, and it was this.

So he was, we went out one night, we came in, and he was like, oh, I want to show you like my favourite nighttime snack.

I was like, babes, yeah, come on in.

By the way, may I say, oldest trick in the book.

So he's like, right, so I'm just going to get some crackers.

I was like, okay, all right, get the crackers out.

So he got some crackers.

Crackers.

And then he got, he sliced some cheese, just cheddar, just boring cheddar.

And then he got ketchup.

Yeah, that's why I'm not with him.

And

he put it on the cheese.

I was like, literally, I was watching him going, fucking hell.

Like, am I going to have to put a pillow over his head?

Or like,

humanity?

Is it down to me?

Is this the moment where I'm like, I must stop this continuing?

And then he put the other cracker on it.

I was like, fucking hell.

I don't love anyone this much.

I don't.

And then I ate it.

It was fucking sick.

Absolutely.

It was gorgeous.

So crackers, Jacob's crackers,

slice of cheddar, just a couple of slices, ketchup,

bish, bosh, put it in your mouth.

Gorgeous.

That would be my side dish.

Your dream side dish.

Oh,

I love this sound.

You lot are amazing.

You lot want to beat me up and I love it.

Your dream side dish is crackers, cheddar, and ketchup that was shown to you by, and I quote, a proper bitch.

Yeah.

You said you didn't take anything from this relationship.

No, but that was the one thing I took.

The one thing.

That was the only thing I took.

I mean, it's awful, Susan.

Yes, it is awful.

And he likes cheese boards.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know, yeah.

And he hates the...

So, like, I know I'm the last person who's now going to back you up on it because I hate cheese boards.

So, obviously, I hate that.

Yeah, of course.

No, that's all right.

I mean has he got a name?

Did he give it a little nighttime?

He strikes me as the kind of person who would give it a little cheeky night.

I'll give it a name.

It's a fucking dairily lunchable is what it is.

Oh, he was in his 50s as well.

I know.

Don't you think he's a bitch?

Yeah.

Hang on.

What?

Suddenly, I don't even give a shit about food anymore.

You were going out with a guy in the 60s.

He was like, Let me show you my favourite contact.

Now you get the pillow thing.

I was like, geez.

Try that, Susan.

Try that.

But you'll have to be quiet, otherwise, you'll wake Mother.

Again, you're not far off.

Have you bought a girl home?

Go to bed, Mother.

You're better

making Berry lunchable.

Mother, please, I'm a man now.

I sleep in the big bed.

Again, not long, you're not far off.

Wow.

You're not far off.

This guy.

If you're offered.

Wait till you see this.

It's going to blow your mind.

Catch up.

Mine many years on this planet, Susan.

Learned many a thing.

You probably haven't encountered this.

I'll let you see how I make it, but don't tell anyone.

It's a family secret.

Eat it under your hat, Susan.

A Jacobs cream cracker.

The weakest cheddar imaginable.

A suggestion of ketchup.

And here's the twist.

A second Jacobs cream cracker.

You must remember, we used to love this when we were children, because when I was born we were still in the back end of rationing

again

my nice cheese

Don't you be eating my nice cheese again.

I'll come down there and give you help.

I'll box your ears.

Oh my god.

That made that made every second of that year with that guy worth it.

Thank you so much.

Fuck it hell.

Okay, we should probably move on to the next boy show.

Oh, God.

Here we go.

Right, no,

this isn't boyfriend-related.

Drinkers and boyfriend related.

No, well, as you know, I love a glass of Prosexi.

Yes.

I do.

Thank you.

I love you, Larman.

Are we going out tonight?

See?

Yeah, I love Prosecco, but

that's not my drink of choice.

My drink of choice is a Craig David.

Okay.

Now, again, I don't think you're using that phrase right.

I just say UK garbage singer.

Yeah, there's a drink called a Craig David.

Who knows what a Craig David is?

Go woo.

It's a real drink.

Right, so what is...

Was it the same guy who taught you that one?

No, no, this was me.

This is my favourite late-night drink, Susan.

You take Robinson's orange snake

and you top it up with cold water.

Are you making Craig Davids down there?

I'll try to get your steak.

Mama, I'm making a Craig David.

Make me a Craig David while you're making the mantale.

If you go back over Craig David, you make me one.

Talk of Faraday Controls day.

Fucking hell.

So the Craig David.

Tell me what's the flavour?

He did it.

He did it.

Amazing.

Best in the biz.

Best in the biz.

That was good.

Thank you.

Oh, God,

you're good at this.

Well done.

Best in the biz.

Bloody hell.

Okay, so

I enjoyed that immensely.

Thank you.

That was great.

Thank you for having me.

Such a good time.

So a Cray David is a shot of tequila, and then you have a chaser of orange juice, not orange juice, geez, no, blasphemous, pineapple juice.

So you do gulp.

Chaser, done.

That's Craig David.

I don't know why it's...

I know you're about to ask me.

I know you're about to ask me James I don't know why it's called a Craig David but someone told me on New Year's Eve which is my birthday whoop whoop they were like do you want a drink I was like yes please and they're like I'm gonna get you a Craig David and I was like what is that and they would say tequila I love tequila pineapple juice love it like down that add that and it was lovely wow yeah I mean I don't want to know I know you said you don't know I don't know I don't think there is a does anyone know I don't think there is a definitive so I was expecting when you started lining up shots I was like there's going to be seven of them wasn't yeah no no it was just one that is a singular shot with pineapple juice is called a craig david so now what i've done because i have decorum is i've now sort of just changed it so i'll just have like a single or a double depending on what i'm going through um

tequila and then i'll have orange juice with it in one glass and that is what i call it i'm not doing shots yeah you'll take it's a long a long craig david yes i'm having a long

i'm having a stringy Craig David.

That's what I'm having.

Benito, see if you can work out why a Craig David's called a Craig David and put it up on your little screen.

Let's then Google it, not work it out in your head.

I'm having a lot of fun.

I'm putting your gas up on the fucking thing.

I'd love that as well.

Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever met Craig David either, have you?

No.

Not met Craig David.

Have you met him?

No.

I wish I'd had a story.

Yeah.

Really felt like you were setting us up for an anecdote there, because that's a pretty bold play if you don't have one ready to go.

Yeah.

I thought we'll work in the entertainment industry.

No, I've never met one.

We've got some information from Benita.

Apparently, he likes it.

That's all I've got, is what Benita says.

That's all I've got.

Apparently, he likes it.

Craig David likes tea living and pineapple juice.

So he didn't invent, well, maybe he went into a bar once and ordered it, and then someone said, We're going to call that the Craig David, and then that spread.

It's like that's what people say about espresso martinis and cake moss.

What did she say?

She asked, give me something to wake me up and fuck me up.

Something like that.

Yeah.

And they invented the espresso martini.

Imagine going to a bar and be like, give me something that's going to wake me up and fuck me up.

Like, get the fuck out.

Yeah,

bartender.

Yeah.

Give me something that's going to wake me up, but fuck me up.

How dare you?

Get out.

That'd be the end of my career.

Yeah.

That would spread like wildfire.

He came in, he said, I want somebody to wake me up and fuck me up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we barred him and kicked him out.

Everyone thinks he's a really soft boy.

If someone named a drink, a cocktail, after you, Susan McComa, yeah, what would it be?

Uh,

good question, that's a good question, right?

Yeah,

it'll be like

probably be like, uh,

already someone's having a giggle.

It would be something like shagging Susie or something, or shagger Susie.

No, Susan, I said if someone named it Susan Macoma.

We want to know.

I want to say

you know how the Craig David box up is called Craig David.

So if someone said, I want a Susan Macoma, what would have got not

shagging Susie?

Probably.

Thanks for the question, James.

I fully understood it and listened.

Probably a shagging Susie.

Oh, god.

No, the figures are all laughing, but I have to be me.

I am.

I have to walk around like this.

Fuck.

What would it be?

What would be a mitt?

Yeah, well, because I mean, I guess the query David one is just because he likes it.

Yeah.

So is there something that you've like that hasn't, isn't it a traditional cocktail, but that you would go in an order that someone should call a Susan Wacoma?

Susan Wacoma.

Well, I like...

I worked in New York for a bit.

I did a couple of plays.

And what I love about New York is like they've got that real culture of like you just go to a bar, you sit by the bar, you order your drink.

You don't have to like go out in a big group or for it to like be a thing.

It's just those are people sitting at the bar having a drink and then they go home.

And I love that.

And that's when I started getting really into like whiskey and bourbons and like pretending that I'm really cool.

So it would probably be like monkey shoulder

with

a

fuck it, put some pineapple juice in there.

So you would also do the pineapple juice.

Yeah, I do.

I love, I do genuinely love pineapple juice.

I like that.

And it's really good for

they know.

I don't explain it to you.

You do, Ed, because on the first night of the tour, which was four nights ago, we had this conversation with Jamelia.

Jamelia knows.

Jamelia knows.

There we go.

Jamelia pineapple juice, making your cup taste good.

Does

that

does it?

Well, we were all like,

look,

Ed and I and Jimmy.

Yes.

Okay.

We didn't know if that was just a myth.

I think it's, I mean.

Were you, and I don't want to put you on the spot here, but have volunteered yourself that it is true.

Yeah, it's true.

Cool.

It's true.

Benito's just put on the screen, don't make me Google this.

Yeah, just because he doesn't want the tech team to say it just dropped down and already pre-searched

as soon as he does.

But with loads of different juices.

Yeah,

just the letter D drops down.

Does pineapple juice make your cup taste like pineapple?

Does peachy tips make your cup taste like peachy tips?

From the great bonito, that's how he googles.

He writes from the great bonito every time.

When he googles it,

we arrive at your dream dessert.

Okay.

Susan.

It's been a

great meal so far.

I feel like there's going to be no cheese board here because you've already had...

Well, we've already had the finest cheese available tonight.

So I think I can relax.

You can relax.

It's not going to mean the cheese.

Thank you.

Okay, so you have an option, but I'm not going to tell you what they are.

You're going to choose.

Wow.

Wow.

This is

like the Joker.

So

there's two options.

There's one that's

quite basic, but I think that everyone everyone will be like, yeah, that's a good choice.

Or there's one that's pretty odd.

Which one would you like?

The odd one, right?

Definitely the odd one.

The odd one.

Well, the odd one, right?

Let's have a cheer.

A cheer.

Cheer for the basic one?

Cheer for the odd one?

Odd one it is.

You're not sure.

All right, that's that's they want me to do both, but it depends which one we're going to hear.

The lady who walked out and came back wanted to hear both.

Oh, you've got opinions.

This one, this one had a breather.

She had a coat on.

She was halfway out the door and she just heard odd dessert.

She was like, I've got to get back in there.

So

there's a story behind this.

Can I tell you the story?

Yes.

Okay, so

someone down there said yes.

Yeah, they really did.

They made it.

Thank you.

Yes, you may tell us the story.

So, I, actually, now I can't say the locations of these places.

So,

so you were near the Coliseum.

So, I was near a McDonald's, which is near my family home, and I was about, I must have been about 18,

and I was with my little sister.

And we had ordered two McFlurrys, right?

And it was like the one with crunchy, crunchy balls.

Crunchy, crunchy.

And so we were enjoying them.

And then

this guy came up to us and he was like,

what?

No, this is true.

So there was this guy who came up to us and he was like,

also, I have to preface this, I've got a very round face, and my mum said to me, What the fuck is this story?

I don't know, I'm really worried.

I'm really worried about this story.

All these details of red flags, whatever's about to happen.

No, I'm worried.

Is this going to be the first time you met the guy in his 50s?

No!

Wait, what?

But Flurry, huh?

I have a favourite midnight snack.

No, I've got a very round face.

And my mum warned me when I was little, she was like,

you have a very round face, so you have to be careful.

And I was like, why?

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't worry, don't panic.

It's okay, don't worry.

She said, you have a very round face.

And I was like, yeah, mum, that came from you.

And she was like, no, it just means that people will think you're friendly.

They'll think you're friendly and they'll come to talk to you.

So you have to be prepared for strangers to come and talk to you.

And she's right.

I get, I look, okay, basically, I look friendlier than I am.

Yeah.

It's my problem.

I'm basically friendly, but not any more friendly than basically everyone here.

But I have this face and everyone's like,

and I'm like, fuck off.

So we were having our Muck Flurry and this guy came and I was like, oh, it's the round face again.

And he was like, and he was like, yeah, like, I'm from Southeast London, I'm not being a dick.

He was like, yeah, so like,

do you know what's really good with like a McFlurry?

Why are you laughing, James?

I love this character.

It's funny.

You try to be cool and say, do you know what's really good with a McFlurry?

He's like, any other voice that is not cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I went up to to someone and went, do you know what's really good of a McFlurry at night, they'd put the fuck off?

No, they wouldn't.

That would be their dream James Acaster story.

Yeah, now.

Let's see if that's your catchphrase.

Sure, now.

Not back in the day when no one knew what I wasn't, Kevin.

I'd get beaten up.

Fucking hell.

I'm sorry about that.

That's okay.

Rubberoolers out in the back pocket.

I'm dead.

Not a lot of people talk to James and Kettering, though, because he's got a very long face.

Oh,

that will put people off.

Cheer up, mate.

Might never happen.

Alright, it does.

If you've got...

It's all about...

Never mind.

Anyway, so I've got a round face.

This guy comes over and he's like, do you know what goes really well with like Flori?

Why?

You look stressed.

It's funny.

It's funny, but it is stressful as well.

Alright, okay.

But the whole thing is...

I don't know where it's headed.

I can't imagine it.

Stick with me.

Stick with me.

So he's like, do you know what?

Let's just say we know that bit now.

Yeah, no, no.

To say the whole because also every time you cite the story again, you've reiterated that you've got a round face

So yeah, where was I?

I've got a round face

keep the round face in your head even though you can see it

It's the full impression of the guy

again.

I have to be me like this is this is my problem.

So

I like the impression of the guy though.

Do you keep the impression of the

money?

So he went.

do you know what goes really well of like a mottler?

And me and my sister were like, what?

And he went, this.

And he pulled.

Yeah,

yeah, now I see.

Yeah.

I don't know what his hit rate is on this chat upline.

Oh God, yeah, now I can see why you're both really stressed.

Yeah, and the way, where you choose to leave pauses and stories is wild.

I'm that kind of person who, if I'm leaving like a long voice note for my mates, I'll stop it at cliffhangers.

Wow.

To like go on to the next one.

So I'll be, and then next one.

He said this and then pulled out, sent.

I do do that.

And my friends will be like, like, oh my God, you're such a good storyteller.

But I can see how that's annoying.

So I'm going to get to it.

We're not annoyed.

I'm having a great time.

So he pulled out a large portion of chips.

He dipped it in

and then went, you're welcome.

And walked away.

Okay, so.

So

get in there.

Where did he pull the chips out from?

He had like a back, you know, like he just bought it.

He had a back.

He got it out and went boof.

So he stuffed some of his own chips

into our McFlurry's

and went, you're welcome.

And walked away.

Yeah.

Then we looked at each other.

He might be my hero.

I think that's incredible.

Then me and my little sister, we looked at each other and it was like, it was like a Thelma and Louise moment.

It was like, are we going to do this?

Are we going to do this?

Let's do it.

And we got the chips, which is all dipped in McFlurry, and we ate it, and it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted.

So, that would be my dessert.

That's great, I like that.

I like it.

It is great.

Chip chop chips.

No, McDonald's, McDonald's.

It has to be McDonald's chips.

McDonald's chips, yeah, McDonald's chips.

They lace that with like kraken sugar, icing wet.

They're not normal and they're not good for you, but like together, it's unbelievable.

It's unbelievable.

That's brilliant.

That would be my dessert.

That's brilliant.

And what?

Do you want the guy to certainty in the dream restaurant?

Someone else rings the McFlurry and then he just walks in with his bag.

Yeah.

It has to be like that, and he just goes, boom, you're welcome.

Me there, my visor, my boa, my rings.

I'm good.

I'm going to read your dream menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Thank you.

You would like sparkling water with a slice of lemon.

You would like warm, soft and bread with creamy, almost melted butter.

Sorry, I'm stifling a burp.

Do you want to let it out?

No, no, no.

No, you've got a suffering.

Starter, unlimited rock oysters with lots of Tabasco, a bit of vinegar, and a wedge of lemon.

Pasta, truffle pasta from Paoli in Florence.

Main course, okra soup.

Side dish, Jacob's crackers with sliced cheddar and ketchup.

Made by the 50-year-old man who lives with his mother.

Drink, a Craig David, and dessert, a muck flurry with McDonald's chips.

The off-menu menu of Susan Wacoma.

Susan Wacoma!

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you for coming.

Cheers, guys.

You've been absolutely amazing.

Good night.

Thank you.

There we are.

A great episode with Susan.

Thank you, Susan.

And afterwards in the bar,

us and Susan and the crew went for a drink.

Yeah.

And I sneakily went to the bar and I ordered everyone a Craig David.

You ordered everyone a Craig David, exactly.

Quite big shots and big glasses of pine.

Yeah, I didn't expect it to be as big as it was.

Yeah, what I didn't expect was you to bring all those shots back, do your shot, and then immediately go to bed.

Yeah, I was tired.

First of all, I didn't want to stay up.

And now it's time for us to go to bed.

Thanks for listening.

We'll see you again next week.

Bye-bye.

Sleep well.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September, at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.